The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #206: Week 3 Tour Update - The Boot

Episode Date: May 1, 2017

This episode is sponsored by- BlueApron.com. Get you first 3 meals for FREE by signing up at BlueApron.com/STANHOPE (@blueapron)Week 3 Tour Update - Doug, Brett Erickson and Chaille recap mostly lows during the last leg of the tour. The episode features Kashore, the Pizza Delivery Kid.Recorded April 21, 2017 in Charleston, SC with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Brett Erickson (@IBrettMyPants), The Pizza Boy, & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List to get first crack at Future tickets. May 20th Doug Stanhope / Bert Kreischer LIVE SwapCast at the Royale in Bisbee is totally SOLD OUT.Closing song, "Party Time", by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes.LINKS:- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

This episode of the Doug Stanhope podcast is sponsored by Blue Apron. Get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash stanhope. That's blueapron.com slash stanhope. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Yeah, by the way, I was already talking because I saw you do it. We don't talk about tonight until Charlie knows back. Yeah. Yeah, just talk about whatever.

Yeah. Thank you for the drink. Could you grab me a straw? Here's the thing. Grab me a... Oh, I'll grab you a straw. No, I have a private stash. Do you want a private stash?

Straw stash? Hey, kill some time. Oh, Chaley's got it. Chaley's going to go downstairs and try to find a menu for pizza. But in the meantime, let's talk about North Korea and the implications of Kim Jong-un and his crazy... It's more like Kim Jong-pun, if you ask me. What a pussy.

Poon. That sounds like un. Hey, we're not allowed to talk until Chaley comes back and guides this. We had zero intention of pressing record on a podcast tonight, but what happened tonight in Charleston required it. So as soon as Chaley gets back, we can start talking about it. It's not even that bad, but it was for us, especially after how good this tour went.

I don't think of it as bad. But let's not even talk about it because we can't talk about it until chaley talks about it and guides us through what happened in his guidance we do when you look forward to a day off and i've uh over the course of years we've done this you've been on these tours where you go, do I really need a day off? I mean, it's good for doing laundry or something, but... No, I never feel like I need it. I always have fun. But then sometimes when you have it, you're like, oh, thank God that we have an actual day off.

But the next day, that's the problem. You have a day off. You go, oh, fuck it. Tomorrow, that's our whole plan is drinking at noon. Right. Yeah. Watching soccer. Right.

And then hockey and basketball playoffs. Yeah. And we're going to be way more drunk than we would if we had a gig at 7. Without a doubt. And then hate ourselves. Oh, it's not because I need the rest. It's just because it's the freedom of not having an obligation. Brett, my eyes are up here, not on that TV.

I was watching the Baltimore Orioles baseball game, and I don't even care. It's just to have no obligation is the fun part. You know? Maybe we can just sit at the hotel bar and just drink and fucking talk. That's the problem. Yeah. I see it as the solution. Well, the next night you go, whoa.

I feel so good. Last night I slept for fucking 10 hours. We got out of wherever the fuck we were. Columbia, South Carolina. that was a fun show i actually liked that show that was a fun show we got out of there and i was i was asleep by 11 o'clock at night which is rare and i slept for 10 solid hours except chaley did say he saw me get up once to pee. You did? But I peed in the right place.

At one point, Chaley and Carlos Valencia and I went to the Waffle House right next to the hotel. And you slept. And we went and ate. We came back. And then the three of us were talking. And you kept, you know, you do your thing where you like lay in bed with your eyes closed. But you occasionally chime in with something funny. But at one point, you were just out.

You were sleeping. You hadn't said anything for a while. And then all of a sudden, you popped up like a fucking meerkat. And you were like, what the fuck? And then you got up, and you fucking stared at us, and you went to pee, and you peed. And then you jumped right back into bed, and you went right back to sleep, and you never said a word. went to pee and you peed and then you got jumped right back into bed and you went right back to sleep and you never said a word i remember one thing probably only because chaley brought it up is i remember trashing you because on stage you go oh he's woke as fuck but then you added you

doubled down last night throwing shade throwing shade yeah which is what the kids are saying man no it's what cnn uh large that's why thick-veined negruses are saying and they they throw it around and bleach tooth fucking white women are going oh he did throw shade. I remember... The throwing shade thing was legitimate, burning me on that. But the woke thing, I say it as to be... I think it's funny that I say woke right there on purpose.

Yeah, it's a... I'm aware of it. I'm trying to say it as I'm aware of that. I don't normally use that word as a verb in that sort of way. Dave Hellam, he's a Chicago comic. He changed his Twitter thing to Al Woker. I saw that today randomly. Al Woker.

And I wouldn't have got it except for you using kids your children the terms your children use yeah my children would never say that where's

Chaley Chaley's gonna carry this podcast cause this now he's got a menu he's ordering the whole night was I don't wanna say

it's fucked it's not like early days fucked where there's a biker brawl and you fucked the wrong guy's girlfriend. But no, for us, it sucked. It was still safe. It was still safe all the way around. It was just funny.

It was fucked and funny. I thought it was funny the whole night. Like, oh, this is terrible. But terrible in a we're still safe. No one will fuck with us. I wasn't worried. But it wasn't the night you wanted to record your fucking, you know, Kimmel fucking tape.

I think we're going to pause right now because. Go smoke. Chaley has to carry this. We set it up. He's ordering us some food right now. Hit the button. I got it. Please hold.

Hey, how about, you know what? While we took this break later in the show that's going to be put in earlier without Greg Chaley, let's do a blue apron. Oh. Because I walked in, there was a, because Tom, all right, hey, blue apron, which, hang on, Tom Kanopka is our blue apron guy. Tom Kanopka is our blue apron guy. And I asked Chaley, what about the blue apron? And he said, you can stop that, which is one of the great things. Which is very cool.

Blue apron. Yeah, they send it out to you as often as you want it. You can cut it off. But Tom Kanopka is our blue apron guy. You're the guy that cooks it, promotes it, tells us what you bought. And eats it. And eats it if we're not here to help. But we went on the road for a month, and he goes,

no, I stopped the shipments because that's the great thing you can do. And I'm like, what about Tom that we left all by himself here? Tom's here hungry as fuck. I'm eating these M&M's. But you did get some. Tom has been trained like a rat in a laboratory to expect these meals to be delivered. Yes, yes. Sitting outside with the mailbox every day.

Yes. Like Ichabod. Like Dr. Pavlov. Salivating with a bell. Hey, you got it. Exactly. Probably not feeding the dog because he's not getting fed. And he goes, I passed this.

It's like child abuse or molestation. Well, this happened to me. And the dogs aren't feeding the cat. And it's just, yeah, you pass on this abuse. Maybe that's why Chaley ran out of here later on in the podcast. Hungry. Later on in the podcast. We are in Luper.

What do you have? I saw a box in there because I think, aren't you supposed to refrigerate it within a certain amount of time? No, that's an empty. I was going to give to Bingo tomorrow. Yeah, they're all empties. These are cumulative, yeah. But Shelly was nice enough. It says next week's meals.

I guess I can understand. That was before you ran out. He's earned that. He's earned that right. Here's what you're missing. Yeah. Here's what you're missing. Yeah. Here's what you can give. Chad Shank is the only one with two good eyes out of all of our bad eyes.

If you want him to read it. Where is he? Oh, he's over there. No. Yeah. I can see this one. In the land of the one-eyed men, the two-eyed man is king. Who's king?

There they are. No, it says next week's meals will be shipped Wednesday, May 3rd. The first one is lemongrass burgers and cabbage slaw. That's the funny thing. You look at it and you say, lemongrass burgers? What the fuck? It's with sriracha, mayo, and pickled carrots. The next meal, it's all three of them.

Seared chicken and creamy couscous with olive and raisin sauce. Spicy pepper and ricotta calzones with cucumber and romaine salad. Calzones. Let me just say, and you've done this when you take your wife up for your anniversary to Tucson where you go, I'm going to have to try some different

shit. I can't do your voice. No one can. But Chad Shank. Something fancy. Lemongrass with the what? When we go to the UK and we try to eat at a nice restaurant so something's edible

but there's always one weird thing you don't want to try. You go, nah. And you go, I'm fucking glad I tried this. And even if you hate it, you get material out of it. But lemongrass immediately, you go, no. And then you go into the sriracha. That will kill the taste of lemongrass.

And then you try it. And you know what? Even if you fucking hate it, you're glad you tried it because I did something different. If strawberry, jalapeno, margaritas have taught me anything, there it is. Very good. Try something that you normally would not try at all. Break pattern.

Break pattern. Absolutely. And it does come off. From experience, I know that they balance this shit out. You look at it and you say, I've never had lemongrass burgers and what a kind of couscous. Ultimately, you put it together, this shit works. Again, we've been listening to Bert Kreischer's BertCast, and he also talks about Blue Apron.

And now I can't even remember. He had some great point about Blue Apron. I'm stealing that plug. Can't remember it now. Hey, are we going to pee during this thing? No, we're going to close. I did twice. What else is in that box, Tom?

No, let's just close up. Blue Apron. They send you all the specific ingredients to a meal to your door for pennies on the dollar. It's like $10 a meal. $10 a meal. And you cook everything, and there's nothing left over in your cabinet. There's exactly what you need. No waste.

It shows up at your door. And if you want to go on a luxury holiday, and you're leaving your granny. Meaning the fucking shitty gigs you just booked us at. Yo, if you have to play Spartanburg, South Carolina, if you have to play a 99 seater that doesn't even have seats at a coffee shop in Greensboro because your filthy uncut Scots

manager is chasing some piece of tail on the other side of the fucking continent. Other world. Whatever. It's the South or North. And he just sends you to these places where you can't even reach him. And you

need to eat? Blue Apron. They'll show up and they'll bring you all the shit you need. And that's it. You just go to blueapron.com and you get food. And your first three are free. And after that, you fire your

fucking manager or make him change his accent so everyone doesn't know that you didn't have the guts to fire your manager. Blueapron.com It's a better way to cook. Done.

Get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash stanhope That's blueapron.com slash stanhope. That's blueapron.com slash stanhope. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Running wild. Doug, check yours. So, uh...

Doug, talk into the mic. Yeah, I'm talking. I'm talking into the mic. Okay. Like I did at the beginning of the show, and it didn't work, and it blew out, or whatever. We just tried to order a pizza. But the hotel... I warned you about this hotel when I watched the one-star reviews.

Not the one-star reviews. Not the one-stars I like. Just dirty. And I go, no, this place is nice compared to what I looked up online. Well, no, no. It doesn't have a phone in your room to call the front desk to figure out where the fuck you are to order a pizza. Just order a pizza. The pizza place said, what's your phone number there? And he said, oh, my phone number?

They said, no, at the hotel. And then we said, well, there's no phone in the room. We scrambled. How did we know? We were going to be caught in a lie. How can we know? Come up to be caught in a lie how can we know come up with a number really quick yeah well hang on for the record chaley is going to carry this whole podcast the same way he carried the show and getting us the fuck out of it we're in charleston

west virginia or south car, one of these fucking places. South Carolina. It's, oh, my God. I don't want to shit on any place, but I do, because Bill Burr has fucking great shows everywhere he goes, and sometimes I want to offset him by going, you know what? I do shows that suck.

And this one sucked shit. Every fucking sewer pipe of shit was pumped into this show. No one's fault except the audience. Here's how it started. When we walked up to the venue early

in the night, the three of us, and Shaley's like, I already got shit set up. You two fucking meet everyone. We meet the guy who owns the place. And he's like, hi, and we meet him. And then Doug said- Let me back up.

No, wait. I'm going to run with this. Fuck you, Bill Burr. You do so much better. Right? Wait. What? I was actually going to title the last podcast fuck you bill burr but i know he

won't listen to it i don't want him to think that i'm actually shitting on him but he has great shows all of his podcasts and what a great show it was the whole fuck you bill burr thing was that he constantly does stuff while he's on the road like he flies helicopters and he goes to basketball games you guys stay in the hotel room and we get sad and drunk. Can't figure out where we're at. And we get bitter at Bill Burr for having a life and being a good person. And having a baby and flying helicopters. Right.

Whatever. Yeah. And every fucking thing and seeing every stadium. We should have legitimately like the the first red flag should have gone up shaley after we dropped you off when you or you dropped us off at the venue and then doug's like i gotta get out of here like i'd have a drink somewhere at a bar that's not here because you can't drink at the bar be around people i have to talk to it's a green room because the venue doesn't have a green room i was a bathroom attendant that was our green room i

stood in the back hallway opening doors for men's and ladies rooms because that was the closest they had to a green room you were blocking the door otherwise you had before we even knew that we show up and i go um hey where's the bar and the lady says well in here i go no i need to be away from people and the owner says oh let me show you and he sat and talked to no no but even on the way over there as he said that yeah let me take you to one i know a perfect place follow me so doug and i follow him shaley stays to fucking set up everything and make sure everything works and then which none of it did which none of it still did but that wasn't your fault but but Doug and I follow him. Shaley stays to fucking set up everything and make sure everything works. And then we're – Which none of it did.

Which none of it still did. But that wasn't your fault. But still, like as we're walking, it's funny because I'm like – I'm trailing behind. Much like Melania Trump trails Donald. I'm trailing – Two steps back. Yeah, I'm trailing this owner and Doug walking and talking. And the very first thing the owner says, this is the red flag that should have been

the first, like, oh shit, this is going to be one of those nights. He goes, yeah, I think it's going to be okay. It's kind of all fucked up. I thought the show was tomorrow. And right away I was like, oh, this doesn't seem like a good thing. Didn't Doug look it up on their website and we weren't

even mentioned? Yeah, it said no upcoming shows. The website of the venue. Burns Alley. Upcoming shows. Click on it. We have no upcoming shows. I feel bad for tomorrow. They think there's

a comedy show tomorrow. They have shows constantly. Hey, that stand-up guy's here tomorrow. The owner's like, when I get out of the Marine Corps and then I did fucking this. He's not a bad guy. He's a nice guy. But I told you I wanted to find a bar away from this bar so I could think about my show. Right.

So you tell this guy, I just need a place where I can just hang out and be quiet and just think about my show. Right. And then, and so, yeah. So you tell this guy, like, I just need a place where I can just hang out and be quiet and just think about. That's not what he's hearing, though. You know. No, but so, right. So he's like, let me take you to this place. And as soon as we go there and sit down, he immediately starts chatting Doug up. And introducing us to people.

We could have done this at your bar, you dumbass. I think we need to say that in the area we're at, there's a bunch of one-way streets. It's a labyrinth of little alleyways and stuff, and parking was an issue. South Carolina is very – we're staying seven miles away from where the gig is because for some reason, miles away from where the gig is because for some reason a Hampton Inn you know that delicious waffle you make by yourself yeah

$500 a fucking night and we said what's going on in this town well it's a season season for what for making money New York City yeah this this owner was even like he found out that we're going to savannah and he's like oh fuck savannah like everyone talks

about how great savannah is people always say oh we're doing two nights in charleston four nights in savannah i always say reverse it. But why? For the listener. Savannah's great either, but it seems to me it's six of one, half dozen of the other. I don't think... We're also... For the listener, we have our

second night off of two. In either, we have Saturday off. We take Saturday off because before I quit comedy, I just want to stop doing weekends. I stopped doing new years. I stopped doing dumb shit.

Saturday. We have off. We can either stay two days in the same hotel, because that's what we like to do, is, hey, if we have a day off, we can either stay two nights in the hotel of the Friday or Saturday, Sunday in the town we're going to. Wait to drive or drive immediately and then camp out. Yeah, we just want to have two days. If we have two days off in the same hotel, it's nice.

And Savannah and Charleston are both ridiculously overpriced. Just rape value. Well, I mean, what's this place cost a night? Without a phone? No, no, no. Without without a phone here's the thing hannigan the filthy uncut scotsman had already booked this place and that place so i looked them both up so this place seven miles away in a fucking horrible neighborhood with nothing near it, was $120 a night. Savannah, if we booked close to the hotel,

$400 or $500 a night. I mean, to the gig. For two beds. You're talking... Two rooms. No, per room. Per room. Yeah.

Well, we sleep like beautiful little fishes. By the way, now that we don't have some skank following us around, I'd be glad to just make it one room the whole rest of the way. We did it when we started. Yeah. For the record. Well, we had suites. Those were suites.

A little more room. Yeah. Point being, it's either double night where we don't have to switch rooms, which is the biggest pain in the ass on these tours. We get to wait. It's a 3 o'clock check-in. This fucking garbage place. Oh, my God.

I'm going to fucking so snap on them. Look at the furniture. Look how nice it is. So we end up in Charleston, and the gig starts. Let's get back to the gig. Yeah, let's get back to the gig. Hold on a second. I just realized you should call them on your cell phone and ask for a wake-up call.

Because there's no phone in the room. That's fucking hilarious. No, I think I have a phone. Maybe they'll call my room. No, and then she goes, what's your phone number? You go, I don't have a phone. No, listen. Tell her you don't have a phone.

No, but that's what I mean. Sorry, Chaley just nailed that. You kind of stepped over Chaley. Please hold. I didn't mean to. I was ahead of the joke. I thought they'd just be like, call room 603 and

go over and wake them up. Because I think I have a phone in my room. I think I have a phone in my room. I don't know where you guys are. I can't believe we got him a room. I don't need one. I never needed one. The only reason I need one is so Carlos Valencia has someplace to sleep.

So let's go pound upon the gig. I didn't look at the gig. Generally, I do. I was at the end of my six-day run. We looked it up online. It's going to be horrible. You assume. But I always assumed that.

So when I saw the pictures, I go, maybe we can make the best of this. So after sitting with Jimmy and talking to his cop friends at the uh big gun nice bar big gun thank you get a big gun was nice we're looking forward to that and and while we were at big gun the other bar not where the gig was two where jimmy wanted to talk to us two separate sets of cops came in to get food like that's weird and jimmy's talking to them and so already there's this there's this weird vibe like it's just a weird vibe to me when there's cops that keep they keep coming in i think jimmy's like hey i don't know i don't know anything it just seems weird to me remember when we sat down jimmy when we said we have to go to another bar to hang out away from the crowd, Jimmy goes, I'm going to walk you there.

And he just I know. And we have bands or they're too loud. And again, Jimmy's a nice dude, but he's in this business to run a bar, not to. He wants to be the owner. run a bar not to he wants to be the owner chaley calls as soon as we sat down at the bar two blocks away chaley calls hey all these people are showing up saying they're friends of jimmy they didn't buy tickets they're already in the bar right and and uh genesis the the promoter, the liaison, doesn't know what to do. I go, well, who's running this show? Yeah.

And she goes, well, Jimmy's not here. I go, who's that? Well, that's the owner. I go, well, if he's not here, who's running it when he's not here? And I go to John. I go, who's running this? He goes, you. I go, all right.

I'll take care of this. And I go, and I just, I called Jimmy. I said, there's people here that aren't leaving the bar. No, you called me this? He goes, you. And I go, all right. I'll take care of this. And I go, and I just, I called Jimmy. I said, there's people here that aren't leaving the bar. No, you called me. Well, I called you, and then I was sorry. Because you have no idea how to get a hold of Jimmy. And here's, when you guys email me going, hey, the show's sold out. Can you get, no, I can't fucking drag you off a plane like fucking United Airlines.

So hang on, i'll randomly select people and i'll drag some cunt out of his seat no so when he's inviting his fucking friends well he he's he's a fucking he said well no no way no way but at the end of the night uh there were people that were in there that did not pay right that. That I found out from Genesis and I said, listen, I know we're never going to be back there. But she was fine. Like she was really accommodating. But I don't think she has any sway to do anything. And then he leaves and there's no one else there to do anything.

There was no sound set up. A couple of the people who were in that bar when Genesis told them, hey, you need to pay to be here, they left and they came over to the bar we were at. And they were like, oh, what's the deal? And that's when Doug and I were like, well, there's a show. And you've got to buy a ticket or you can't. And then Jimmy was like, like oh it's a 30 cover like he said it like a joke like to them like that's not really the way to present it i was

out smoking i was out smoking for that for sure because i would have remembered and it's like well yeah it's a yeah it's a 30itimately, we're worth it. I don't think he had an idea. He definitely – It's actually $35. I don't think he even knew who Doug was. This is what happened. He definitely didn't know who I was because after you went – one time when you went out to smoke, he looked at me and he goes,

so are you like the – are you his manager or something? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, whatever. No, I'm another comedian also on the bill. You're always introduced as one of the comedians on the bill. And he did, it was just weird. He said to me, I didn't remember your name until three hours ago, and I thought the show was tomorrow night. The very first thing he said was, I thought the show was tomorrow, which is.

There's your wake-up call. Oh, hey. Hey, hang on. Hang on. Brett was trying to bring the microphone to the... Yeah, right now the clock radio in the hotel, the Charleston Grand Hotel in North Charleston. That's better. Yeah, it's going off at midnight.

The fucking, what a piece of shit. I looked at the one star reviews about this place and I went, oh, it's not that bad. Yes, it is. Later it is.

Okay, so in the, in the trying to shut the radio off thing, I actually changed the time ahead an hour. So tomorrow when you fucking look at it, don't get – because I didn't know I changed it back. I saw that. Who is it at a clock radio? Well, I'm just saying, if you don't know that, you'll be like,

oh, shit, it's this time. Sometimes you dial zero to say where's pizza, but they don't have a phone. We have to get out early to get to the make sure we make it to Savannah to get to the way too long to get to what we need to talk about. To get to the Chelsea Tottenham game tomorrow. Tottingham. The fucking, the bedposts.

This place has bedposts that reach the ceiling. They're 12 feet tall. And I think that's accurate. But they don't have a phone. No phone in the room. Some phones have room. No phone in the room.

Some phone don't have room. Some phones don't have room. Separate but equal. That was very funny. So, my God. Separate but equal. That was very funny. So, hang on. Erickson and I get on the elevator, and we're talking to a black couple that enjoys my white shoes because black people enjoy my weird outfits.

And they're also carrying a cooler like a heavy big giant cooler like like they came from the pool you know like and it's you know it's late at night but they're carrying a giant cooler from not from the parking lot either elevator doors of the two open up and they get on one and we get on the other. And I said, I had to stop myself from saying separate but equal because that would be funny to my audience, but it's not. My funny is not generally funny to the public at large. Some of them felt that tonight. Yeah. Yeah, and they were all Jimmy's friends that probably didn't pay. Yeah, we...

Okay. Let's get through. Okay, so I opened the show i say you stink as people no you didn't no you didn't you didn't say that at first you said it really quiet because the mic didn't work you said it but no one heard it eventually i said yeah Eventually, I said, yeah. The mic was, I riffed. I riffed. And we got it together. It was just the equipment was pretty shoddy. The mic didn't work.

No, it was working, and it was my fault. I gave you guys an extra cable because the fucking cables they had there, they had cables that were broken on stage and asked us to use those cables yeah all right my fault i added the extra one because it was stage was so big i thought you guys would move around a little bit and you couldn't do that with the one right and that was the problem also faulty cable on stage when i was i was just trying to riff and then jimmy the owner is up there going oh it's all about me i'm i'm goofing on a guy next to you and you're not even no this is it no this is what it was you said hey uh dude with the giant hair if i can get your head down there's a guy behind you that wants to see and there's a dude

who looked like chris cubis yeah with a giant afro in the upper deck fucking balcony and jimmy was standing next to him. And Jimmy legitimately, I was standing right next to him when it happened. But you saw it from stage, which was great. He checked his own hair to see if Doug was talking about him. And that's why Doug's like, dude, it's not about you, motherfucker. You're standing right next to a guy with a giant afro. Don King fucking, the guy is Don King. I'd say Reggie Watts, but same thing, Chris Cubas. Well, I say Chris Cubas because Chris Cubas is funny say Reggie Watts but same thing Chris Cubas

Well I say Chris Cubas because Chris Cubas is funny and Reggie Watts isn't but that's alright Reggie Watts has a lot of talent Yeah he's talented He's not a good tweeter like Chris Cubas or a comedian That was not what this was about I was just saying the visual the visual

Anyway so I open the show I'm just for some reason we think that's a good way to progress this whole act is i just go out i go hey welcome to the show because i think it's really do i like that they pay attention to the opening acts more i think i go out and go hey a couple of fucking announcements i'll be out later i'll talk some shit or or you go into a bit or if you feel like i've got a couple of bits that don't fit anywhere else there is it's it's it's it's not even close to this to like the it's a world

of difference between how i do on stage after if you go up and say because regular on the podcast no and you say hey i'm trying to make this into a fucking act i brought some headliners with me and when you say the word headliners with me like that's so important i can't even stress you how important that is because it makes people go, oh, these guys are good. Like if we just walked out and did our shit before you came out, like we would still do it and it would be fine. But to have you validate us like that, like it's truly important. And I love it that you do it. I was glad you do it every single night.

That's a gimmick. We didn't know if it was going to work. It's working. It's working for Brett. It might not be working for Doug, but what do I care? No, I think it's good. And when I talk to the – Rob Gibbons, I hope it worked for him. Rob Gibbons.

He's my favorite monkey. I explain it as we're trying to actually get people to show up early because there are people we're seeing at this show not every show is is you can say that about that's another thing because people stack other if i go up front people rush in from the smoking area like oh it's going on now right and that's why i tell the guy at the front that doug's gonna start it right everyone's got to know that so So tonight, after the mic goes out, it's a clusterfuck up front. And then screaming feedback where people are putting their fingers in their ears as they try to fix the sound. And I'm just riffing.

And I'm off mic. They. John. Shaley. Shaley. Shaley. The owner came over and goes, hey, you know, you got, I'm like,

there's nothing you're going to tell me now. I know this board more than you and you've had it for 10 years. Unbelievable. He did do that. He did. Yeah. So we get it going

and I, we tag team. Tag team for the listener means I bring up the first guy, he brings up the next guy, and tonight there were three comics before me. I brought up John Gibson. Gibson did a lot of work to put this together he's a great comic he's a bartender

he's a fucking young comic he's getting it started he's got great potential him and I talked about it tonight and I told him what you said to me about him. About the fucking stabby thing? Yeah, I told him about his dad.

Him and I talked about it a lot and he was like, wow, that's so great to hear. I go, I just wanted to tell you, this is what we said about you. It's interesting. You should explore that. Way to hear more from John Gibson. Yes, let's leave it at that. Because it took me five years to get my mother's suicide to a place.

Right. Where I could. He's got definitely interesting shit to talk about. Absolutely. He does. And then he brought up Carlos, who did five minutes. Carlos Valencia, our lovely surrogate lady. Our third favorite Colombian.

Well, you know what? I'm not going to say we make love to him in the absence of a woman, but we do. I would fuck his mouth just to get him to stop snoring. Oh, jeez. You would or have? Listen, I had to sleep. A guy's got to sleep.

We're the same age, but I'm longer in this business than you. I've fucked his mouth before you ever will get a chance to. Once again, following the great standard. Erickson goes up, and at some point, while I'm working the toilet doors, And at some point, while I'm working the toilet doors, Mike, I think we already set this up where my green room was right behind the stage where you walk in to go to either the men's or ladies' room. So I'm opening doors for people. They have some homeless crack addict. Fuck you, Bill Burr. You don't know the joy of the road.

Where my green room is in the tiny 15-foot hallway between where I go out to the stage and the men's and ladies' room. So because we have all of these acts, I go out, and then the local guy goes out, and then Carlos goes out. So between every act, people get up to use the restroom, and I'm just standing there holding men's and women's restroom doors open for us.

Oh yeah, you were at the door of the second egress. Oh, that's what it was. The second egress. Then people are trying to talk to me and then poor fucking John Gibson is helping me to throw people out no yeah yeah

can we get a picture no no you need to go and we actually were he physically shoved a guy well john's the maps guy john's a big guy and john and john was great not only is he a potentially really funny guy like he was funny but he's like he's young and he's new and let's say potentially just to fucking light a fire under his ass yeah um, but he was also very much a big dude who was very happy to be like, I got you guys. He would not let people back. He did a great job. He did a fine job. When we had the sound trouble, he jumped down.

He jumped down to talk to you. And switched inputs on the thing. And was making finger noise. I looked up and I'm like, I have some help here. Channel 2. He said he threw that one guy out who was hassling you. We did throw a guy out.

He pushed him straight out the door. Bum rushed him to the alley. Much love to John Gibson. Thank you, John. There were three seats up front. This is a tiny bar. I can't give you an example of a bar you know.

It's a long, thin bar where there's a couple tables along the left and a long, long bar along the right. And at the base of it is a tiny stage. And there is an upstairs. But barely.

It's like an L upstairs looking down. It's only about six feet wide all the way around. Let's get back to all the way Aldrich. Because years ago, a few years ago, when the Bisbee Killer Termites were playing, as we like to call them. They were named something else. The last time. Blue?

Bisbee Blue. The last real team we had, we were, what do you call those? When rapists put up small children. Hilarious? No, no. I'm saying when you go on a list? When rapists want to fuck foreign children.

I don't know what that is. Just let him go. Stay with me. I'm going to hang as long as I can keep the throw up out of my mouth. Foreign exchange students. Wait, wait. So when rapists want to fuck, and that's foreign exchange students? When rapists want to fuck young children?

Well, I assume that's the only reason you would be a host for foreign exchange students when rapists want to well i assume that's the only reason you would be a host for four exchange students so we did that in bisbee you were a host for uh up and coming ball players so we had crazy rob and all the way aldrich stayed down at your house before you lived there on black knob chaley's house and uh yeah, we had them, and I didn't ever have foreign exchange students and ballplayers. They were too rough and tumble to rape. Yeah, so he's at the show. So Aldridge, who we hosted, is there, and i'm like oh my god i already know from the beginning that this show is gonna suck there's too many friends of the owner who don't know you and don't

know what's going on exactly all right so we get we get through we get through three acts. The whole time I'm standing in the toilet, outside the toilet. People are coming in. I've figured out a way to hide behind the door when people come from the showroom into the toilet area, and I open the door when I feel it nudge. Yeah. And I hide behind it.

And they go, oh, someone. It opens into you. Yeah. You know, a barrier. And then John Gibson blocks my view on their way out. Nice. But when the door is shut, I can't hear. I can hear the comedian, but I cannot hear the response.

And the response is always nothing. And I don't know if you're a comedian. You go, do I not hear the laughter? Is it me? Yeah. Well, it wasn't until Erickson. I'm following Erickson that I hear him hurrying up his bits, which on this tour, he's been dragging them out.

When I hear him hurrying up, I know he wants to get the fuck out because this crowd sucks so much shit. You hit a peak, and then you hit a valley. Oh, I hit a valley. You hit a peak at the end. And valley. Oh, I hit a valley. You hit a peak at the end. You hit a peak at the end. And when you came up at the stairs when you were done, you had high fives and bite you shots all the way up. It is what it is.

No, I'm just saying. Even when it's bad, it's good. I don't have a problem with that. But that is a fact. Like it was – even if it – listen. Even the shittiest stand-up crowd is the best crowd I've ever had. That's a fact. So I'm thankful.

But this was not necessarily a stand-up crowd. This was a crowd that might have been invited by an owner that likes to play golf and had a baby. Yeah, I'm just saying. I was still enjoying myself. So the fact that they were like, oh, yeah, you were great. They were fucking fist bumping me or whatever. That's all well and good. But it was still a let's fucking hurry up and push through this.

And it was also a thing where like we talked about this on the fucking last podcast two nights ago. Like the whole military piece. Like Jimmy, the owner, was a Marine. And I'm like, well, I'm not even delving into this'm like well i'm not even i'm not even delving into this like it was so awful tonight like i'm not delving into this it's not because it's not a piece it's not even comedy yet it's just me ranting about the military so that could that only works that only works in in a situation in which every stanhope fan is so happy that stanhope's about to come out that I can say anything I want.

And like, oh, I'll make it into a joke eventually. But it's not a joke yet. So tonight I was like, well, I'm not even starting. I'm not even doing that. I'm definitely not even doing that. So I just skipped it all and went into like, hey, here's Doug. Fuck you guys. Here's Doug. I got two bits, which this whole tour I openly told people, hey, you're a focus group.

Sorry to fuck you. Two times I had Write It Down Chaley, which is two times better than. That's not bad. Point being, I had my set. I don't know how long it went. I had my set. I don't know how long it went, but then I opened the show with saying, hey, if you guys want to buy merch, it's not available.

Because even Chaley, sober driver, ahead of time, before the show even started, this is his money. Chaley says, how about we don't sell merch? And I go, I was thinking it, but I don't want to take away from your paycheck because that's your thing. But we knew it was going to suck. Did it sound like a question when I said it? Because it was not a question when I said it. We haven't even gotten to the key fucking moment of the whole night. I do.

I'm looking here. You had some things up in the rape thing. I don't want you to. Don't tell me my push lines. You haven't even gotten to the key part of the rape thing. This is the quickest we had someone kicked out 13 minutes into your set, by the way. Who was that? That was the guy up front

when you tried to get the people up front and you were battling for 12 and a half minutes and then someone sat down there were three empty seats up front and Doug said I would like to move people up front there's empty seats up front just come up here and sit

and as soon as some guys who were in the back who were standing moved up front this one guy immediately started talking to everyone in the front row out loud, like loudly. And Doug's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, you got to stop. And he's like, yeah, I get it. And then he never did stop. Like, he never did stop.

And I said, while he was talking, I said to the rest of the crowd that was listening, I'm going to have him thrown out as soon as this bit is done that he didn't even hear in the front row because he was having full on conversations. And he was dissecting my bits. And you know what the thing about it? He's not even listening when I'm saying, you're going to get thrown out at the end of this bit because they really wanted to. My bits aren't concise. Do you remember what he said? No, he was talking the whole thing. When I turn to Erickson, it's when he goes,

I'll suck your dick. And then you're like, you went right into a bit. I go, that's it. Now you're trying to make him invisible. And then I go, I'm going to go down there. Yeah. Anytime a fucking dude who is ruining your show yells at you, I'll suck your dick. And you just ignore it and go to.

Another thing about Indian call centers is, you know, Shaley and I look at each other and Shaley goes, oh, he's done with this dude. He was so happy. He's done with this dude entirely. He goes, oh, he's done with this dude. He was so happy. He's done with this dude entirely. Charleston is a rich cunt town where he was one of those rich cunt dudes. Yes. That goes, I can blow $30 and I'll be a,

everyone will remember that I got thrown out of the show when we had him walked out in 13 minutes as Chaley has noted and audited he stood up and raised his arms yeah like he's a champion of some kind yeah fuck off Bingo told me stories about

New Orleans where they would beat the fuck out of people. You don't get thrown out. You got drug into the back room like old Vegas stores, and they beat the fuck out of you, which I'm against,

but I know where that would be satisfying for the people. You're against violence, but... What are you going to violence but what are you gonna do what are you gonna do well they're gonna beat your head flat like literally flat sorry i'm i'm fantasizing here like where it's flat where both of your eyeballs are touching each other because the sideways angle of your head when they stomped on you made your eyes come out and they touch each other. And you're going, I see me. I see me. No, that's your eyes looking at each other.

And I don't want to. I don't want. That's a horrible image. Yeah. Except for the fact that if that happened to a couple of really poor, unfortunate people, the rest of the people after that would stop doing the shit that happened tonight.

Because it's like when they say, oh, you only have to hang a couple of horse thieves before people stop stealing horses. You know? Like, that's it. You know? It's a harsh fucking ruling for horse thieves. But once word gets out that they're hanging horse thieves. Horse thieves aren't rich fucking Nancy's.

But I'm just saying, like, the point is. Hang on. Let me back up. They're done stealing horses. And I'm going to just say it. Sorry, Todd Glass. Hang on, let me back up. I'm going to just say it. Sorry, Todd Glass.

Ask my mouth or cross your penis. Faggot. That's what I would... I've stopped saying it. But yeah, these little Nancy fucking eyewear Abercrombie and Fitch. I don't even know what the fucking... I don't even know how to... He had fucking pre-ripped jeans.

Like someone ripped his jeans. His family has golf course money. Can I say faggot yet, Todd? Can I say faggot when I'm talking about some... What's the kid... What's his name from caddy shack spalding spalding you'll have nothing like it yeah he raises his arms I think of Todd Glass as an alpha male, and I still feel I can't say faggot because it upsets him. Maybe it's right. No, he's right.

He's right. You shouldn't say it. We'll move on to the word that is the word that should be the word we were using. Boobs? Well, maybe. Like, listen, this is a whole nother topic but you you've done the joke about how it was fun to say faggot because it didn't mean gay it meant like you're weak like there there will be another word that will take that that place it's cock right now

which is not right but there will eventually be a word that means weak because there will be a thing because you're right. We don't mean fag. We don't mean to disparage you because you're gay, but that's what faggot meant. Oh, Jesus. That's the show. It's probably a fucking weak premise. I'm not even going to go. But bigot is a – I riffed that one.

But anyway, we got all this on tape. All right, we're going to keep talking until the pizza gets here. Until we get funny? No. Fuck these people that want podcasts, after the podcast. We'll show you.

We'll just keep doing them. By the way, there is a payoff. There is something that happens. Oh, no, there's so much more. There's so much more. There is something that happened tonight that made me laugh so fucking hard. Turn the show. Turn the night for you.

Truly. Wait, are we talking on stage? No. Because after. Oh, no, no. Not on stage at all. We told them. After.

Look me in the eyes so we can talk about when we're pausing and stuff. Oh, I'm sorry. After I told them, we're not selling merch. I said that up front. We've got to get the fuck out. But all the way, Aldrich, somehow, this is the baseball player that lived in our house where they got fucked so fucked

you have no idea these were I don't know how baseball works but I know that they were playing less than A I know there's double A triple A they were right like where you would go out of high school especially in Arizona Less than A, I know there's AA, AAA. There's rookie leagues and all this shit.

They were right where you would go out of high school if you didn't go to college. Arizona's where the leagues are. They're rookie leagues. They played in business. Out of high school, if you don't go to college, that's the league, the Pecos League. And then they develop you to get into college or to go to a farm team. But you can't make money. No, it's $25 a week or something.

Oh, no, no. That was the first league we had in Bisbee where they did make money. So they'd make $50 a week. But if they broke a bat, oh, my soul to the company store. $60 to pay for a bat that you have to buy from the league. They fucked them over so bad. And we're sponsoring these kids, Crazy Rob and All the Way Aldrich. And they're just getting fucked over.

And I had to stop myself from Murphy, Shawcroft. You know, where you go, oh, here's $1,000. I don't want to Amy Schumer over tip you. That was in the fucking news today. Oh, she was jogging and she had to take a shit and she went to her own mattress shop and then bought someone a mattress for two grand. And then you go, hey, fuck off, Amy Schumer. That's the title of this podcast. wait what's wrong with that well it makes the news and then i'd tip 50 bucks on a hundred dollar tab

several times on this tour but i didn't buy you a mattress that's not 2000 for a shit yeah no it's way better and then they go oh burger. And then they go, oh, yeah, Doug, stand up and drink at my bar. I don't know him, but it was no Amy Schumer. I still sleep on a fucking sloppy mattress. My sleep number is still shit. No, listen,

I just jumped to my favorite part about All the Way Aldridge. I met him in the back. There's this little back alley part of this bar. What's the name of the bar? Burns Alley. Burns Alley. It's in an alley.

There's this little back alley place where we're all standing back there after the end of the show. And I meet All the Way Aldridge. And we're hanging out, him and a couple of guys he's with. And then there's these two fans that finally make it their way to you and they're like oh we're going to take a picture so like

and I love one of my favorite things of opening for Doug is photo bombing pictures of Doug because everyone wants to take a picture with Doug and why wouldn't you? I get it because I'm gorgeous you're a really handsome person you're like if Gilbert Gottfried was a Because everyone wants to take a picture with Doug. And why wouldn't you? I get it. Of course, I'm gorgeous.

Yeah, you're a really handsome person. You're like if Gilbert Gottfried was a tiny bit less ugly. So I want to photobomb it. So I'm talking to Aldridge right behind you, and I go, dude, just go with me. I want to kiss you on the lips in the background of this picture. Let's photobomb this. And he, to his credit credit was like of course like he had no question about it so like so we even we even both of us stood on our tiptoes to make sure we were high enough up in the fucking air to like be in the in the shot and these two people who fucking and their names were uh jessica i met them later jessica

and dayton dayton was a truck driver i'm because i because once it happened i'm like oh i have to see this picture i i met them and i was like yeah i was here i have to see that picture and they didn't even look at it yet and then when they looked at it they're like oh my god so i take a picture of the three of them with you smiling. And then in the background, me and this guy with a fucking flat-brimmed ball cap on, like, deep in a tongue kiss. And it's my favorite thing. It's my favorite photo bomb for sure ever. But it's almost my favorite picture I've ever seen.

Like, I laughed so hard. Aldridge and I laughed so fucking hard about it like and so then we were already like oh this is already a funny night like this it's already a shitty show it's a funny night and then it went to a whole nother level after that that's when i found out what really happened to us i i'm uh i wouldn't say I'm known for it, but I have a predilection for kissing men on the mouth. It's one of the things we like about each other. It's to get a rise out of...

Every single time. It usually happens when it's after a show, when someone wants a picture, and I go, I don't want to take a picture. I'll just kiss you on the mouth. And I fuck with people. But I did this with the two bands. Fame Riot and Unlikely Candidates.

Yeah, I don't know what band. One guy turned his face for me. Right. No, I'm kissing you on the mouth. It's probably Kyle. Back in the day, I used to do, back before I ever met you, the mouth. It's probably Kyle. Back in the day, I used to do, back before I ever met you, when I was in the road, I used to do, whenever anyone wanted to do a picture or hang out,

I would do it. I was like, let's do a shot of tequila. And it was because if you do a shot of tequila, they'll basically do it and then leave because it's too much. It's too much. And I didn't even like tequila. But I'm like, as long as I do this shot of tequila, you'll leave. But then I found out kissing them made them leave

quicker. And you don't have to drink the tequila. True. And then I met you and Doug after. Like, oh, so you guys already do this thing where you kiss guys just to get rid of them? Yeah, I'm down with that.

You steal my bed! You steal my bed! guys already do this thing where you kiss guys just to get rid of them yeah i'm down with that and i've been doing so much better than taking pictures we're not even to the end of how this whole fucked up night well you you uh you were clearly you were hitting the big beats, but you were skipping segues, and I'm like, oh, this is going to go quicker. Oh, yeah. And you did an hour. You did it straight up an hour. I'm in the back with Shaley, and Shaley's like, oh, my God, he's not even doing segues. You kept going, all right, Indian call centers. All right, this. All right, this.

All right, that. Oh, he's not even trying to connect shit up. Shaley's like, he's just trying to just – he's just doing the bit. No, he's hitting them to hit them. I learned it from you dad yeah when you started shane shane he looked at me and he goes like she looks at me he looks at his watch he's like if this is about doing the jokes and doing the comedy and getting the fuck out of here he still hit like two things for sure that were like new because you are a hostile crowd you're in a different headspace you're not

following your regular routine it's fucking great two great jackets in the same town at thrift stores yes thankfully one didn't fit you but Erickson you go it's a good jacket it doesn't fit me

good jacket you'll see it on Stanhope next week. So then you – So we get done the show. You just bailed though at the end. You got to – you did the thing you do. Did the bingo closer. And then you go – I can't remember.

You just like walked off stage. No, you said – now this is what it was. It was the opposite of like – I've gone back to my old closer, which was I look at my watch and I go, another perfect show, which I think is a funny thing to say at the end. And I don't know how it's going to end anyway, so it's fine. But like you did the opposite of that. You go, oh, I should have had a better joke for the end or something like that. And then you just walked away and you're like i guess that's the end of the show and i was like yes that's perfect i potted up marilyn manson right i figured they

weren't gonna do shit so i figured if they play music no no i did uh because i i did the line about bingo and then i said to be continued to be that's what it was to be continued and then you walked. That's what it was. To be continued. And then you walked away. And we're like, oh, shit, he's done. He walked away. And it was perfect. Because it really is to be continued with the bingo stuff. But no one knew you were going to.

Listen, aside from all of it else. No, no, we're on the show. Aside from all of the rest of it, there actually is a really brilliant. That is a thing. We'll just cut this out of the podcast. Spoiler alert for the rest of the people. Cut it now. But you should just keep saying that because that's a funny thing to say.

Pizza's here. Pizza's here. No, no. She's so worried about smoking. It's not about cigarettes. I can pay 200 bucks to have... We haven't even gotten to the good part of the podcast where this shit happened to us.

This is... Pizza's here. That means the podcast is over. But Chaley has to... What's it called? It's going to be 29-17. How are you doing?

We're podcasting right now. Do you want to talk on the microphone? How are you? All right, good. $20 more if you just tell us about yourself in three minutes. We're podcasting. You want to be on the podcast? No, it's not live.

No, we're editing it. But, I mean, Give him your mic. What's your name? Three. Three minutes. Three minutes. Y'all need to ask me questions. This is my friend Doug Stenman.

Very funny comedian. We're not joking. No, we're not joking. Just sit down and talk to Doug for a minute. What is your name? My name is Kachur. Kachur. My name is Doug. Where are you from?

I was born and raised in India. India. Okay. Well, I have a whole... I'm a stand-up comedian. I have a whole bit about Indian gang rape that's not your fault. But I wasn't involved in that, though. Wow, you hold your microphone like a rapper. Do they have rappers in India?

Yeah, we sure do have rappers in India. They have comedians. They do have all kinds of stuff in India. Who's your favorite Indian comedian aside from Russell Peters? I mean, you don't know who I'm talking about. Because in India, we got, like, different types of, like, languages. Every city got, like, different languages. Dialects, right?

And they have the whole caste system thing. Where would you fall in the caste system in India, delivering pizzas. And I mean no disrespect. No, no, no. It's all good. I actually just graduated. I bought a graduate in aircraft assembly. I'm about to do flying school in a couple of years.

But in India, did you flee India? India is a... I don't know how to be... You should ask him what India is a... I don't know how to be... You should ask him what India is like. Y'all are like making a prank video right now. I got a camera. No, no, no.

We're stand-up comedians and we try to absorb some kind of knowledge even though we drink way too much. But in India, when did you leave India? 2011. So how old are you now? I'm going, this is my kind of thing.

But it's hard with different races. I would say that you're 24 years old. 21. Wow. Got it by a year. I missed it by a year i missed it by a year in the united states they have a in carnivals they i'll guess your age and your weight you have to get it by two years and so many pounds i missed you by a year so i owe you ten dollars more okay final question he's got he's got to make some money so so what do you mean by ten dollars i get like 50 plus 10 60 we're gonna give you a more. Okay, final question. He's got to make some money.

So what do you mean by $10? Do I get like $50 plus $10? We're going to give you money. We have money. I'll be fine with $30. That's my delivery amount. It's $29 plus you get the $20. We'll give you more money. We're interested.

We're very drunk. It is on. No, it's recording. We're interested. We're very drunk, as you can tell. My mic isn't even on. It is on. No, it's recording. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. I might sound dumb. You're fine.

He's filming. No, he's just taking a picture. Anyway. Okay. So you move here 2011. 2011, yes. What are you doing? I'm thinking.

I'm thinking. You got here. Did you get your degree when you got here? When I got here, I was doing my 10th grade. Fuck. And now you're delivering pizzas. All right. Delivering pizzas, but... the technical college, right?

Yeah. Let's go the easy way with Trump. Is that fucking with you at all? Not really. I have actually watched one of Donald Trump's videos. He said he loves Indians, so I really don't bother. Yeah, he's got a hotel over there. He's like, I love Indians, and he said some Indian word, and everybody was listening to it,

and they don't even know what the hell is it. But I mean, I can't hate nobody. I'm not into politics. Neither are we. That's why I hated to go that way, but I didn't know where to go with you because we're hammered, and we just did a show in this. Why Charleston?

My dad worked right here for like more than six years, like ten years. Charleston is a good place to be a gastronome. It's not bad. We just had a bad night ourselves doing it. We just did a show at some bar. What's the name if you don't mind me asking? Doug Stanhope. Don't worry.

We'll write it down. We'll give you some shit. What's his name if you don't mind me asking? Doug Stanhope. Don't worry. We'll write it down. We'll give you some shit. Stanhope. He'll look it up while you're thinking of one more question. He'll do it. How do you spell it? D-O-U-G is the first name.

D-O-U-G. Last name is Stanhope. S-T-A-N-D-H-O-P-E? No D. Stanhope. You are tripping. last name is Stan Hope S-T-A-N-D-H-O-P-E no D Stan Hope you are tripping I'm not tripping you're tripping what what I'm verified

is that a big thing in your country y'all are crazy I don't even know who you are but I gotta respect you sir don't worry we're over tipping you I don't even know who you are, but I gotta respect you, sir. Don't worry, we're over-tipping you. I don't even know who you are. I know. You probably wouldn't even like it.

I do a whole bit about Indian gang rape now. Nah, it's not like that. Oh, no, it's really bad. You'd hate it, but you'd love it. Actually, you would love it. That's the thing about that whole Indian gang rape bit. Here, do a selfie. Do a selfie with him in the background. No, I'm going to go live.

We're going live? What are you, a periscope? Y'all guys have, like, Wi-Fi down here or no? We don't have a telephone. The password is guest. I thought it was yes, sir. It's a little tricky, right? Guest. Yeah.

Can I eat some pizza yeah so how long have you been a comedian for longer than you've been a pizza delivery guy longer than you've been alive 26 years 26 no I'm good

I don't know I don't want to ditch this bit, but I want to actually ask him about where I just... No. Kishore is right now like Googling Doug Stano. Make sure this is... Jessica. I want to ask him about the Jessica bit.

Yeah, but it's not a thing. I mean, he knows. He's already here. But he's legitimately Googling. The microphone is in his lap, and he's looking at his phone. You don't got no Facebook page or nothing? No, Facebook page. Go to Twitter, dude.

Google it. Hang on. Hang on. You need the mic. Put your phone down, and let's talk about you, and then you can look this up after. No, I'm trying to get on live. I don't even care about my bosses, I'm trying to get on live. I don't even care about my bosses. I'm going to go on live.

I'm a 50-year-old dude. I don't know about online and how to do it. Passable was guest or guest? Yeah, guest. It's not working. He's got to get on the mic, man. All right. I'm sorry.

No, listen. I've heard from the Burt cast that you can just have people off mic and it's fine. Yeah. You can have Burt's wife just talk off mic. Talking to the mic. Talking to the mic.

I sure do like comedians. Who's your favorite? I'm not into American television shows. I actually watch Indian shows. Tell me Indian comedians. Are there Indian comedians? Yeah, we sure do.

No, say their names because we've never heard of them. I'm going live. Y'all need to give me a minute. No, dude, let's go live. Don't worry. We'll wait till you get live, but you have to talk in the meantime. I sure will. I have Indian fans and they say, hey, will you come to India?

And I go, no fucking way. India is fucking awesome. It's dope. I took a fucking Uber to the airport in L.A., and I had a guy who was from India who was like, you should play India because if you're a comic, even if you're nobody like me, you could make tons of money in India because India is starving for comics who will speak English. I really don't. Are we on live?

We are on live. Hey, what up, y'all? That's Mr. Doug. Doug and Brett. Pronounce your name again. My name is Kishore. We're here with Kishore. Kishore. Kishore. We're here with Kishore.

He accidentally delivered a pizza. When he knows, he know. I didn't even know who he was. I got to Google it on Wikipedia. You shouldn't be delivering pizzas. Yeah. And you know that too. But I guess. That's the way it works.

That's how it works. Talk to the camera yourself. You have to deliver pizzas though. You're way more intelligent than that. He's wearing a box pizza t-shirt. He just told me he's a comedian. So he just got a big ass joke y'all. Yeah. I don't y'all. Yeah.

I don't need to laugh. Yeah. How fucked up is it that you kind of started at the top where you're from, and then you go, fuck, don't say that to the other people. That's Charleston shit right there. Yeah. Well, we both did We've both been doing comedy for like 25 years

Wow We started doing fucked up shit too Yeah We'll do anything to fucking make a living That's what you're doing That's all you're doing What's your dream? I want to be a pilot

I'm about to graduate in aircraft assembly in like a couple weeks He wants to deliver pizzas to the fucking people all over the world. Right? I mean, I would like to get in the cine field, but I don't have no... I don't know anybody, so there's no way I can get in.

Give me your phone. All of your friends are getting seasick because you're talking like this. It's like the. Yeah. Yeah. It's like the plane's going down. The plane's going down, bro. And the pizza's getting warm.

Yeah. And the plane's going all the way down to the 80th floor of the World Trade Center. Sleep yourself. All right. As a terrorist, Joe. Yeah. No, it's fine. We're Americans. We have no idea. Yeah. The difference between Indian and American. No,. As a terrorist. Yeah, no, it's fine. We're Americans.

We have no idea. Yeah. The difference between. Geography. No, he's not. All right. Well, evidently that audio cut out for whatever reason during our surprise pizza boy guest set guest spot.

And no, we didn't kill and rape the pizza boy. spot and know we didn't kill and rape the pizza boy uh and in fact i think uh chaley's gonna link his name onto this didn't we find him on facebook yeah he contacted me on facebook which i don't use but i was bored that day so here's back to the podcast when the audio picked back up backup. As much as we might not make sense, I really think the pizza kid might be listenable to the audience. Maybe.

It's a shame if we're unlistenable because what happened to us still was the most funny thing to me. But he was listenable. Oh, no, he was great. No, he was great. He killed it. He was just on the mic.

No, he was great. But what happened to us in Charleston, the only reason we're even podcasting tonight is because of what happened to us, and we keep talking about all the other shit without getting to the actual point. I have to dial it back, because when we say what happened to us is the opposite of when i was trashing bill burr and i think dave chappelle like they have interesting lives how dare they which are way more but when we say what happened to us we weren't fucking uh piled driven by fucking bikers or yeah we had a shitty show yeah no well what happened to us it didn't really happen to us yeah we were just there

for it it was a suck audience and i i'm pretty accurate with uh what was it me or them? Tonight, it was them. It was them. It was them. What was the other show, Erickson? Look at me. I don't know. In my one eye that focuses. It doesn't have a contact rambling around your fucking retina. There was one other show that we go, they sucked.

They sucked. And we told them. Morgan said the same thing. What night was that? The Wilmington. Wilmington? Oh, yeah. It was.

Wilmington was just feeble. I liked Wilmington. But I was early. I was early on. Maybe we couldn't follow you. Maybe we couldn't follow you. Yeah, that's probably it. That's probably it.

It might have been before they turned, but regardless. That's an old thing in comedy. When you first started out and people would go to comedy not knowing anyone on the bill, and the middle actor would go, yeah, I smoked him. He couldn't follow me. Well, yeah, you're right. But now when they're coming to see a specific person and I can't follow you. Yeah, well, it hasn't happened, so don't worry about it. It's been two nights on 14 shows that we couldn't follow them.

Yeah. We couldn't follow the audience. Tonight especially. I thought Wilmington was fine. Listen, I mean, Wilmington might have been, you know, I don't know, great. But tonight was like a thing where, like, they legitimately were at points, like, combative. You know, they were yelling shit. I'm taking pictures.

All of us. I've seen you three times. Me and you both had to yell at them and tell them and combat them and pick individuals out and talk to them. And that's new.

Hang on. Let Chaley close this up. We could just ramble all night. But Chaley, because the end of this podcast just is the biggest way this is our friday as they say on a friday yeah we just did six shows and we're just waiting for one day off and then we come to this show and jimmy hates the thing and i never did the thing like this and i thought it was the next day and and it's just all kind of fucked and not a good place for comedy and then we finally get through it even though i've given the audience every reason to hate me and I yelled at them, telling them that the worst audience ever from the beginning.

I believe I started early with telling them that they're a shitty audience. You were wrong. And that we judge them as much as they judge us, but there's no Yelp fucking site for how shitty you are as individuals. I guess I pounded down on that quite a bit. And you kept going back. Shaylee, put it in the notes that although I'm smiling, I still hate them. That was after everyone kind of like settled down.

Yeah, once they get on my side. I didn't forget. I don't forget you're a fucking cunt audience. So at the end of this whole thing. And no, listen, but let me just also recap. Also, this is the one show, all the tour, in which both Doug and Shaylee agreed going in, we're not selling merch tonight.

Fuck it. Let's just not sell merch. Let's not do an after show thing. Let's just get the fuck out of here. And then leave to Savannah early. This is before we even fucking had any interaction with these people. But they're both like, let's just not do merch. Let's just be done with it.

And I was like, all right, I guess that's fine. You know, that's fine. So it turns out – We get done with the show. Aldrich is looking. I send Aldrich with Erickson. I know you guys are going to be out back on that little porch area, and I just got to do just a little bit of work to get out of there, just a little bit. I grab the recording device, shut down everything, go downstairs, go to the car, and there's a notice taped to the window.

And they tape it on the driver's side. We're trying to bail. I've even told – No. Five minutes. We're out of here. Out the door. Right?

Yep. Number 39810, invoice. This vehicle has a wheel locking device boot on it. Any attempts to remove this tire lock or drive the vehicle will cause damage at the owner's expense. We got booted. Yeah. Yep. In three hours.

yep so our car three hours our car as we're trying to leave this shitty gig the as we're trying to leave this shitty hang on hang on jimmy the owner brings us to the other bar where we're trying to get away from people because we don't want to talk beginning of the show he brings us to the other bar and talks to us before the show where he is friends with all the cops. Right. Then when Chaley says, we have a boot on our car, he says, we finally find him. He goes, yeah, I own part of the boot company or some shit like that. He's got a financial interest in this. And then I'm paranoid. He does now.

Because I'm drunk and I'm paranoid because I kept shitting on your club and you. Right. Did you purposely boot the car? No, I wouldn't do that. But maybe I would. Maybe I would. But he evidently paid the $50.

He immediately said, I'll pay the $50. I'm like, yeah, you are. You told me where to park. He goes, yeah. It's weird. He made you park where you park. And then we got a fucking boot on the wheel. 20 feet from the...

In three hours. Yeah. This was at night. In LA, you have to have like 90 tickets before they finally put a boot on your car. And he's got a boot interest. they finally put a boot on your car and he's got a boot interest. We were trying to leave the

gig that we had been mocking the whole time. We had finally just separated ourselves from every single terrible person who, and I say terrible person. There were lots of fans who were super sweet and wonderful. But all of the people

were like, alright, we're fucking out of here, guys. Sorry, we're fucking out. We were as kind as we could be. And then we left. And we're like, all right, let's go. And we go to the fucking truck. And then we look, and there's a boot on the fucking back wheel. That's not even a thing.

No, we're not leaving. That's not a, oh, you can't leave right away. Like, no, you can't leave. All right, let's just say goodnight to a lot of people. Thank you, three people in Charleston. And Jimmy was, he's nice. He just didn't know what he was getting into, and Brian forced this upon him.

Some people are born Stan Hope gigs and some people have Stan Hope gigs thrust upon them and Jimmy we're not shitting on you except yeah yeah

well the whole podcast we have been but don't take it personal just you're drunk. I mean, Jimmy is, not us. Well, you guys are. Wait, I mean, Jimmy is. He doesn't, he's not, he's out of his element. And so are we right now, tonight.

Well, just close it up. Let's get out of here. Well, no, we have to do sponsorship. Tell me. Blue Apron. It's really delicious. I'd have to look it up. We're going to have to do it later.

I don't know who they are. No, we'll do it right now. You know what? Blue Apron, they send you food, and that's the thing. No, I'm going to do them all. Hey, do you like flowers? Send us flowers, because I'm going to shoot myself in the heart so they can study my head to see if I have CTE from having just a ginormous head. I have an awkwardly shaped head, and I don't know if that's the reason I killed myself because of this show.

I don't know. because of this show? I don't know. Maybe if you send me flowers and send flowers to my loved ones, they'll go, oh, with a card that says study his head for CTE. Well, I wouldn't have even thought about that

if it weren't for the beautiful flowers. Flowers. Flowers. We don't have pro flowers this week. We have blue apron I know I already talked about blue apron I mean it's delicious I actually had a combative

combative interlude Well that was a very fat terrible person Yeah we're not going to talk about it I mean fuck that guy I think blue apron is delicious We're going to take advantage of the first three meals for free by getting Erickson signed up when he gets back to L.A. off the tour. Yep.

Because he figured it out. He did the math and he thought this is perfect. I spend way more money on groceries for dinners that I don't end up eating on a level that like, if you, because I try to be vegetarian and when I do it, I get these recipes and I end up buying all this shit, but I, I, I throw away two thirds of it because it's only for that recipe.

And then you don't need the rest of the crap, but then it ends up just rotting in your cabinet or your fridge. And like, but at Blue Apron, they give you exactly what you want for the fucking recipe. And that Apron, they give you exactly what you want for the fucking recipe, and that's better. No, it's not exactly what you want. It's exactly what your wife wants

if you want to poon her Cooley style. If I knew exactly what my wife wanted, I wouldn't be here right now with you fed. If I knew what she wants, he'd be giving it to her. If he knew what she wants, she wouldn't be with him. I do like Blue Apron. It's good food. And they roll out.

It's not a racist thing. She's with Godfrey. All right, I'm stopping this. No, she is. No, no, no. No, Godfrey is fucking his wife. Listen, the truth is, it's only a black man who can replace me when I'm on the road. And that's a fact.

And I respect her. I don't see color. I just see God-free fucking your wife. I respect her for that. But Blue Apron is... Blue Apron is really good. You don't waste any of the... You don't even have the balls to shut this off, because we're fucking...

Part of time Part of time Drink your drinks and eat your eats It's part of time Laugh your laughs and eat your eats It's part of time Laugh your laughs and eat your eats, it's party time Smile your smiles and do your blues, it's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time

Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time One more Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time Here we go Party time Party time

Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time All right, Chaley, go quickly. Audible.

Let's do Audible. These are the Glengarry muffins. We don't get them. Why? Can you just let me listen? This is so quick to do. We don't get them. You talk about Audible.

Never say audible.com. I know that. Just Audible. Never say audible.com. I know that. Just Audible. I already corrected the fucking guy. I got it. Unless it's Audible. Just tell me what to say and stop being off topic. You're not saying anything.

Chad's going to do. Chad's going to do. As long as you don't say Adderall.com. All right. Are you fucking kidding me? as long as you don't say Adderall.com alright you fucking kidding me he'll be right back that wasn't real everybody's always pissed off at you, Hennegan.

Yeah, Joby looked tired. All right, here we go. Don't worry. Here we go. I got one. I got one. Joby was good. I'm recording.

He kept trying to tell me one simple thing about Audible. Yeah. As though he was trying. There's one podcast. He had to go to the bathroom one simple thing about Audible. Yeah. As though he was trying. There's one podcast. He had to go to the bathroom. He'll be right back. Hang on. He's a little temperamental.

We really did push Chaley to his limits on the last part of that tour. Or he did. Maybe he did. I caught a nap. I had to go on stage Joby was actually very pissed off at me when he left you do that to everyone

but you don't work with us I feel kind of sensitive I think you're overly sensitive I didn't sense that when he left but who are we to argue he was smiling but I like that you're in that place because I want to confront you about unfollowing have to get but i like that you're in that place because i

want to i want to confront you about unfollowing me on twitter i've never followed you you did there it is for that's the rebuttal matter of fact i have he said i never followed you i have uh direct messages back and forth between the two of us which are not possible unless we're following each other that's not true listen i i told i told you when you told me this that he gets drunk and cunty and probably unfollows people in the middle of the night i i don't care i just thought it would be funny to fucking talk about because why he's cunty about it it's historical uh okay okay perfect there's your answer

that's the rebuttal I think the point is that people being upset with Hennigan or Hennigan being upset with people is a lot different than Chaley who he just ran out that was the third time

since the first time was when Bingo was in the coma, and he was being a dick, and he ran out. He doesn't remember it. There was one time on this tour he ran out while I was on stage. Maybe it was the last night. It had to be the last night in Atlanta. But you'd be understandable.

Well, I told him not to come to the show because he was already and i thought well maybe i'll level out no he was worse at the end and now i'm not yeah i i i am okay we'll leave him alone. Yes. Bingo's fucked. Chaley's fucked. I have to get back to clean up that book. Yes. I hate fucking Tom Konopka's fucking theremin whistle. I hate everything.

He's got a theremin? Oh, do it. Do it. I know Tom does this. Oh, this. No, no. No, he does this whistle. It's almost, and I know what does this. No, he does this whistle. It's almost, and I know what he's doing. He's letting you know he's coming in in case you're jacking off.

That's what I think. That is the truth. Just so you know, I'm on my way in. Does he do it when he's coming into morning coffee? It's this whistle. Do the whistle. Go on. I can't now.

Come on. He'll cut out the parts where you're practicing. I'm going to think. No, that's not even a thermonaut. I can't do it. It has to be natural. I know what you're doing. I know what you're saying.

It's drop the cock. I'm entering. Doug, we know each other you are correct it's it sounds a doctor who theremin yeah yeah i can't do it good vibrations it's there there's a little yeah no there's not good at all yeah but i also know when i'm just really irritated at everything and you go i I can't hate every single thing in the world. It must be me. I should shut up. I want to do, let's bring this back to a positive note.

Stop jerking off is what I should do. Chad's thing about the war on art by, what's his name? That's a good book. All self-help books are good. And the reason is, it's been shown that just reading self-help books, even if you don't absorb them or follow their practice, alleviates depression. That would be Chad Shank's rebuttal.

Unless you overanalyze it and you just think it's fucking ridiculous drivel like religion. Sure, but the difference is it's not religion. It's repurposed religion. Okay, Chad Shank. The one I still haven't finished reading, how to influence people that think. Oh, Dale Carnegie, how to win friends and influence.

That's probably Hagen's Bible. No, no, no. What you're saying is self-help reinforces things, just like this whole thing started with the comedy classes. No, no, no. You take what means something to you. No, it's two things.

Nope. Sorry, wait. There's a particular problem with using the war on art as an example. As opposed to the art of war. Because of all of the self-help books you can read in the creative field, he actually invokes God. It's very AA-like.

Yes. But he specifically talks about God. Well, before he does that, he... He does it in the second chapter. But before he does that, he clarifies that if you're not comfortable with the word God, you can replace it. Yeah, but you can't can replace it yeah but it's repurposed the cats out of the bag yeah yeah they see that you see that you're right perennial philosophy is what they call that

yeah it's the part of religion that's true i know that people use to fucking manipulate people it's not it's not really philosophy it's just fucking it's just health it's a big difference in self help books and philosophy it's meta poop chad sh's just fucking... It's a big difference between self-help books and philosophy. It's meta-poop. Chad Shank just actually used big words that you dismissed, and I thought... Highly impressive. Well, I'm sorry, but self-help books are not philosophy.

They are just self-help books. All right, you know what? Let's all just sit there as everyone tunes out and tell us the difference. Well, a self-help... We're all going to shut up. Tell us the difference. The difference is that a self-help book

is merely a way of working with the world in a practical sense. How is that different from philosophy? Philosophy is about describing and understanding what the world is. Oh, I need way more time to think on that because those both sound like the same kind of bullshit i appreciate and package the different way i appreciate they may sound the same but they're not we're waiting for you to sound like they're different well i don't need to what you need to do is just suspend your disbelief

for the five minutes that I'm going to tell you about my philosophy. It's going to sound crazy, Doug, but if you will just believe it, believe like you believed when you were a child. I believe! We can have something going on. If you'll believe like you believed when you were a child. I feel it, Mr. Sack! But the issue is that people use the term

philosophy in places I don't mean anybody here I mean in general society I don't think anybody here has ever used the word philosophy they use it in a way which is inaccurate so that often I'm making your drink in my glass so they'll say things like my glass in my glass

as you know as you my philosophy is when in fact what it boils down to is my attitude is that's an entirely different thing from my philosophy well when i use the term philosophy i used it as perennial philosophy which is a term that's used throughout when i was studying buddhism was when i found that it's uh it's basically the the truth that lies within all of the religious teachings that allows the bullshit to come through.

It's the hook. Perennial philosophy is the philosophy that lies the truthfulness that allows you to hook people in. That's the best way I can describe it. The commonality. The commonality.

You're right there. And going back to what you originally said about the war on art, you're right in invoking that description, because what you're basically saying there is that it's not really a philosopher. No. No. It's a trick.

See, what I did there, my trick there, was to find a way to make us appear to disagree. I thought you were trying to make it seem like I came up with the idea and I was just agreeing with you. No, no. I have this written in my notebook. You guys are fucking great. I have written in my notebook.

By the way, sorry. I just need to say this. Sorry, sorry. Go on. No, I just have written in my notebook because at some point it was about feminism. Well, the dictionary definition is, and then I have written, well, who writes the dictionary? So what you say, well, no, that's not really philosophy. Well, maybe a cunt like you wrote the dictionary who gets to say what's philosophy, but we know what he is saying and what he's talking about.

And then you go down to urban speak, let's say, and you go, I don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Maybe you should talk more like middle ground people and not have your own speak, like Smartfuck Magazine versus fucking hip-hop. How to win friends and influence people. Yeah. people and not have your own speak like smart fuck magazine versus how to win friends and influence people yeah the power of talking dumb is

in an old notebook hey talk so everyone knows what the fuck you're talking about rather than smart cunt Brian Hennigan that's not technically the definition I know but the interesting thing about that serendipity that's why Donald Trump definition I know but the interesting thing about that is serendipity that's why Donald Trump's president

pretty much because he talks to people who think that sounds smart no people are fucking awful and that's why democracy shouldn't exist he sounds smart

to a lot of people. Yeah, dumb people. Who don't understand you and go, oh, I'm going to listen to dumb people like rappers rather than smart fucks and they never find the middle. So yeah, he talks

like a rapper. He's a fucking... Donald Trump is a fucking rapper because he's braggadocio about monetizing and branding and money's everything and I'm bigger and badder than you and we're going to be great. And every fucking rap song mirrors fucking Donald Trump. He's just doing the same

thing from a different point of view. No, I already wrote it down. I don't want to ever talk about the cut together. It doesn't affect your life. Alrighty then. That was great. You guys are fucking great.