The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #207: Ron White's One Way Tour Bus Abduction

Episode Date: May 5, 2017

This episode is sponsored byNumber Juan Tequila - www.TatersTequila.comANDMack Weldon (@MackWeldon). Get 20% off your first order with promo code STANHOPE.ANDAudible (@Audible). Get a FREE 30 Day Trial by signing up at www.audible.com/DougStanhope.Ron White abducts the Doug Stanhope tour in Georgia and it lasted for quite some time. Great party, plenty of stories and live music. EnjoyRecorded April 24, 2017 in Georgia at Ron White's House with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Ron White (@Ron_White), Brett Erickson (@IBrettMyPants), Birdcloud (@BirdcloudUSA), Mishka (@MishkaShubaly), Jay Whitecotton (@Jay_Whitecotton), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.NEW TOUR DATES - Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List to get first crack at Future tickets. May 20th Doug Stanhope / Bert Kreischer LIVE SwapCast at the Royale in Bisbee is totally SOLD OUT.Songs performed live on the podcast -“Vodkasodaburg” & “Damn Dumb” by Birdcloud“I Can't Remember When You Were Mine” by Mishka ShubalyClosing song, "Party Time", by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes.LINKS:- Number Juan Tequila - www.TatersTequila.com- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Well, I was sober as a judge walking around Williamsburg You know they ought to rename this place Vodka Soda Burg Cause I've been drinking with they, almost in they, say that they ain't almost, but they look like one to me. I got twenty-five bucks to blow and vodka's so to hurt. Yeah, that's five drinks, five, five, five, and only two. Thank you. I'm full of shit and some straw and some gin And now it's starting to get right in my good sober My brain is feeling sparkly, wow Oh, I'm so, I'm so broken with alcohol Everything is clear to me now

Well, I met a self-described Hopeless romantic He'll go to buy me another drink He must be retarded And go back to his fucking pad Alone in Bushwick And go back to the spoky and pad alone in the spring. And I went home with a mulatto. Oh yeah, it had some mighty cold snow.

And that's why they wrote a song about me. Oh no! I'm a spoky feline. Ha ha ha ha I threw up and mosey on back of vodka so it worked All the bartenders are all paying my fucking goods. I'm just trying to get

my time. Time. All the girls turning into bitches spending $300 on a dress, just trying to get full. And this is where I get off. Oh yeah, I'm probably never gonna stop. Cause I can't stand, never gonna stop. No way, said I'm never gonna stop, stop.

No way, I said I'm never gonna stop, stop I was the sad, sad, good shit Walking around Williamsburg Just like all the residents that live in Williamsburg And I was just trying to take this trip to my custodian bird Could I please be anywhere else in the world except for here? What are they said for here? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Let's do it! That song was number one. Are we going? Where's my Brett Erickson? That looks like it's going. Alright, uh... We're at the Ron White

chasm monstrosity mansion hey Jeremy do you think you could find one more ashtray I found one but it's up there and they're all smoking all these non-smokers are

smoking out of fear. White Cotton is here. Brett Erickson is here. Greg Chaley's here. Mishka Shabali is here. Bird Cloud is here. And Ron White is here somewhere because we're at his house, so I assume he's here.

somewhere because we're at his house so I assume he's here. Bird cloud one and two. I don't ever want to know which one's which. I don't want to have a favorite. Because I change favorites. Erickson. Yeah.

Alright, we did a show tonight. Mm-hmm. Show one of two in Atlanta. But once we saw the guest list, like stage guest list at show number one, we know show number two is going to stink. And this won't go out until after it's too late for them. We got their money. it was great because uh on stage tonight while you were wrapping up you said i feel like every second i'm up here cuts into the party we're about to have yeah and then and then you said

and then you said i'm sorry ron white and then you said sometimes I'm sorry, Ron White. And then you said, sometimes my life's more important than yours. And you were talking to the audience. But a couple people thought you were talking to Ron White. Because one guy went, fuck yeah. He thought that that meant you were going to do more time because Ron White had to wait. Because you were saying that to Ron. And I just giggled because I'm like,

dude, you couldn't be further off from what's happening right now. And it's always that one guy, thank God I didn't hear him, that, well, you don't. Ron White is one of the few guys that I know that really doesn't give a fuck and enjoys his life. We listen to three Burt Kreischer podcasts in a row

where they all talked about me. Because they're friends of mine. We listen to the people we know. It was you, Henry Phillips. It did seem a little bit like a setup as we were listening to the third one that maybe we're just listening to these so Doug can feel better about himself on the road. Like, damn.

Does Bert have any podcasts that aren't mostly about Doug? It was nice. Obviously, you go... I haven't listened to Bert's podcast except for the 200th episode because I heard they mentioned my name.

So you listened to it over... No, no, but now this time we go, well, Bert and I are doing a swap cast. That's what we call them. It still makes no sense to me when two comedians that both have podcasts. Well, you do my podcast, then I'll do your podcast. Well, then just make them both your podcasts.

Right? Just do it once? Yeah. Yeah, and put it in. You both put it out. Put it on out. And no one picks up on that. I forget my point.

Well, when we started scrolling through Birdsong. Well, you know why you made your point, Doug? I'll tell you why. It's 1.30 in the morning. So this isn't going to be like that Joe Rogan stuff I did at 4.30 in the afternoon where I'm sober for two and a half hours. And then we slowly work into a buzz and work into some kind of a... We're starting off fucked up. I'm just saying.

We are starting fucked up. And we have a million people. So you live here. this is your mansion if you can find the shuttle bus to your side of the estate at this hour yeah you just duck out and then mishkill come in and white cotton and we're happy that you brought us all the way here and when i say all the way here it was a trip i know i you know what i gotta lie to people to get them come out here i do i gotta lie to them i gotta tell them oh no it's just right around the corner i swear to god it's not we're like 50s like there's three

taco bells and then take a left and it's us i jumped out of somehow you had your tour bus pick us up at the club and you're only here for a night you just flew in today no i rode it on the tour bus did you oh all right i didn't understand that so yeah and then tour bus by yourself and jeremy your uh faithful chaley uh no we ran into each other at the club but uh yeah we do run a so you just sat alone on a tour bus i don't even want to know from where i want to think no all the way from la i want to think you made your driver missouri all right and uh and actually i I Ubered to the club to see your show. And then... From here? From here.

And then when I got there, I thought, well, maybe I can get all these people to come back to the house with me. And if I lied to them about how close it is, then I provide world-class transportation in the tater wagon. So I called and woke up my bus driver, and I said, hey, why don't you come get us? It worked. And so he came and woke up my bus driver and i said hey won't you come get us and it worked and uh so he came and got us and here we are and then he seemed freshly roused from bed by the way he drove back into the uh neighborhood god i couldn't figure out what the buggy was doing i mean jesus he's a great bus driver i can sleep like a baby when that guy's fucking driving yeah and uh but yeah i didn't know we got to a point where it seemed like we might have to turn around

and there wasn't room enough to turn the tater wagon around. It was, I held a piss for so long. That was like almost an hour drive, I think. Yeah. Based on my bladder's memory. And then you ran into my shrub. Honestly. But at this time of night god who gives a shit don't uh i i love to drop the name but this place as far as ostentatious when you pull up in

front makes the johnny depp place Because it's kind of hidden. It's like, boom, in your face is Bushwood Academy. It's fucking this gigantic, enormous front of... Well, it's Bushwood if the caddies bought Bushwood. Because it's way more fun. This is a Caddyshack reference. My point is, after I held the piss so long. It's a big house. I know it's a big house.

I know. By the time I get people over there, I'm already embarrassed that it's my house. And then I'm like, oh, yeah, they're going to have to look at it. We're embarrassed for you. I know. I know. I know. It's ridiculous.

You know what? When I was young, I played golf, but I played low-end, shitty golf. And it was my dream my whole life to not even be a member of a nice country club, be a member of any club. You know, just not the shittiest course in town do I have to play. It was the guy that owned the oil fields outside Galveston, and, yeah, it was the shittiest club still to this day that you've ever played. We listen to your

Berg Kreischer podcast. We know everything about you. That's why you bought this place. He did the podcast nine months ago. We listen to it today. We listen to it today. Tomorrow, I'll forget all this shit too. Okay, good.

I should just fres in myself on that podcast no anyway i don't apologize for it but it is this is this was my dream thing and i bought it and it was way too fucking big and i did it because i could and i was like look at me look at me look at me and look like i haven't gotten over that i'm dragging you guys out here no it's another 300 yards down the street just Just stay on the bus. Keep drinking this. Come on. Let's smoke this.

Come on. It'll be fun. You'll be there in no time. No, that's the same Waffle House. We've passed it two or three times. We're almost there now. We do have Jay White Cotton is here. Mishka Shabali is here.

Bird Cloud is here. Greg Chaley is here. And Jeremy. Meesee. What is Jeremy's? here, Mishka Shabali is here, Bird Cloud is here, Greg Chaley is here, and Jeremy Meezy. What is Jeremy's, is he Greg Chaley? What's your job? No, Jeremy is a dear friend of mine forever. He also

does stand up in town. Oh, you're just a friend? Yeah. He acted like he worked for you, the way he's working the bus. No, I mean, he's, you know, we do a lot of stuff, so, you the way he's working the bus. No, I mean, we do a lot of stuff, so he helps out whenever there's stuff going on.

Everybody tries to lend a hand. I wish I had friends like that. Well, you don't. You got me. Who doesn't lend a hand at all? I just try to get you to come over. And I go to any lengths, too. Bird Cloud just played here in the... Fuck yeah!

What would you call this room of the... How many rooms are there in this... It's a three-room house. There's a kitchenette and one lean-to and a

part of a thing. Hang on. Jeremy actually had an answer. This is the terrace level. And you don't even know the name of the room of the terrace level. Well, this is like a poker table, and then that's another room, and that's a bar. Yeah, and this is on how many floors is this? 85? It's three floors. It's three 85? It's three floors. It's three floors.

It's three floors. Now people are going to hate me for now on because I bought a house. Really? Yeah, everybody's going to start hating me. That's what I love about Ron White. I saw you the last time we were on the bus. It was Bingo and I and Tom Hester.

And you were coming from Killeen, Texas. And you had the bus parked outside of some weird bar you liked. And I made some reference to you. I go, you bought a bit from Andy Andrist, which I'm going to steal all of his bits because he does them so poorly. That guy's awful. He's our new manager. It did. He's going to manage a Bird Cloud tour just because they're all fucked up.

Bird Cloud. We'll get to Bird Cloud soon. We'll rotate you in and out. I think Bird Cloud's about to get to each other, which I was hoping. We did an aborted podcast earlier where I, we tried to do a podcast with bird cloud early when I was vaguely sober. And so were they in daylight.

And we just go, this is never gonna fucking work we just ditched it but what I the only part I missed that I want in is where I go because they're talking about they just came down for this show to

go to Ikea to buy some fucking mismatched furniture or some weird shit I thought they were just telling me that so I just say that they were gay. I was like, so you don't know, Ron. We just went to Ikea and bought some furniture together. And so you don't get the wrong idea. When you see their videos, I go,

you're probably doing a disservice to your fan base. Because if you see their videos, you think they're gay. And I said that most of your fan base don't want to picture you shopping at Ikea. They want to picture you passing out drunk while scissoring. So you stick together when all the juices that you make dry up. It turns to crust. Yeah. That's what they want. that you make dry up. It turns to crust. Yeah. Yeah.

That's what they want. We do this thing where we do these chastity braids. Like, we grow our pubes out really long so that, like, we can French braid our pussy hairs all the way down to our asshole hairs so that nothing gets in

and nothing gets out. It's like Fort Knox kind of thing. So you could also use it as a filter. But we also, you know, I mean, we still stick together that way. You know, it's some kind of a, you could, you could use it. It's like a comb over instead of vaginal rejuvenation. Exactly. You could just reverse it.

It is. Vaginal repubination. Squeeze it in again. Oh, see, this is what I was saying. I have no idea what I was saying. See, now,

when you do Rogan's podcast, somebody's all hopped up on something. Rogan's got this supernatural energy that fucking prevails over whatever kind of buzz that I've got. But you and I operate on the same level. It's 1.30 in the morning. We've been drinking.

It says fish. It says fish like fish. All right, fuck you. I'm not going to take a leadership role in any of this. I'm taking a back seat for the rest of this podcast. I remember busting Rogan's balls I didn't remember I didn't remember

there's a difference between those two I remembered and I didn't remember someone reminded me that I said it out loud where I busted his balls did you ever do the comedy store podcast downstairs in the basement and you remembered because I vaguely remembered it Where I busted his balls. Did you ever do the Comedy Store podcast downstairs in the basement?

Yes. And you remember it? Because I vaguely remembered it. But it wasn't him. Well, he was on with me and Chad Shank, who's my co-host. No, there was two. It was that chick from the Comedy Store. It's Eleanor and Rick Ingram. Eleanor Kerrigan and Rick Ingram.

And I went down there and I did it, just before I forget this, because I'll forget it. I went down there and I did it just before I forget this because I'll forget it I thought it was odd that anytime I told a story Rick Ingram would tell seven stories like we're there to listen to his

podcast I'm sitting there all evening long going hey Ron White tell me a story that reminds me about me. And I'll tell you about that story for a long time. Seven times. And I,

you know, and I, and I told him that just isn't because, you know, sometimes, you know, you, you don't know you're just trying to do something.

And, and so I, it was her, I was talking to her. I was like, you know, he really could kind of, you know,

he's got a guest. He needs to bring the guest into the conversation every once in a while. So you don't feel like you're just sitting there wasting your fucking life and that reminds me about uh house i have like this sorry the point being yes uh rogan and i i i i hated saying it out loud because i know rogan's smarter than me and he's smarter than you and he's smarter than everyone because he does those smart drugs. What's your word count with you versus a guest?

Yeah. Well, you know what? I think he's a great comic and I'm really good friends with him but I didn't. I did the podcast and it was more people saw it than they ever saw anything. So I was amazed.

I was dumbfounded by how many people listened to these things. And all my friends have podcasts except for me. And Rogan was like, you ought to do a podcast. And I was like, what do I want to do? I got a tequila company. I got other shit to do. got i don't know what that sounds like you're taking time to do it look we could just be fucking playing pool here we are podcasting well we'd be talking shit anyway and we talked about this earlier no i well i know i

wanted to i wanted to do it interests bother me yeah i don't have any. Oh, I was talking about, I was fucking with Bill Burr on an earlier podcast this week. We listened to his, I can't listen to his podcast because all of a sudden I'm talking like him and I'm doing podcasts with that fuck. I was doing that with you tonight. You just did a 10 minute drop in spot that I forced you to do. And I'm talking like you all of a sudden Tracy when you're going to turn loose some of that old pussy she didn't turn loose any of that and the other part of it is

I'm about to turn loose some of that old pussy it was the pause in the conversation where it's just three of us that don't know each other in a comedy condo and we're just busting balls and talking shit and she totally was so unfunny and she brought the only reason they hired her because she fed them brownies and shit and she would go up there with this big trays of brownies going please hire me again because she was awful awful

awful awful she was so fucking unfunny get along but there was ball busting going on that she couldn't really retaliate and then because i don't have an old pussy i gotta get to the point again this is me in mullet years. This is like 94 or something, 93. And it gets to that point where the party's over. There's three of us in a condo. And there's that lull in the conversation. And no one says anything. We're kind of drunk.

And then Ron springs up. So, Tracy, what are the chances of you turning loose some of that old pussy? And I fell out, and I stole it, and that's in the Bobby Barnett bit. I stole from you saying it in a condo once. Good, good, good, good. Is that wrong? Stealing jokes. Hey, Jay Whitecott is here. He wants to chime in.

Is it wrong to steal jokes from something, some old coot that's never going to go anywhere? Never going to remember he even said it. Never going to be a blue-collar comedy tour. I think in 93, what are the odds either one of you are still alive? Nah,

pretty shitty, boy. We were going at it that week. It was like we were blind. When did she turn loose her pussy, though? How would that change the story? You wouldn't be able to steal it. She was a great big old fat person. That doesn't mean I wouldn't have had sex with her.

Is this back in her bull riding days? She was just so unfunny. That's all I remember, really. I remember turning loose with some of that old pussy line. Was this the Houston club? No, it was the Oklahoma City

Jokers. We just played this place where they still have this sign for, remember there were two jokers across the street from each other? Yeah. Shirley Bynum. And her husband owned the other one.

Gary Bynum. Gary Bynum. And they hated each other. And I remember that she could make these vegetables with the teriyaki sauce that I liked to eat. That was the first vegetable I ever liked. She made it at that club. It was out of frozen vegetables and some kind of shit. She squirted on it, and I was fucking scooping it down.

That's the first vegetable I ever... So the husband and wife, they get divorced. They have to split up the club. So one opens a club, kitty corner from the other. We were just there. You were with me, Chaley, the Oklahoma City, where we played. Are they both still there?

And that fucking lady, we had to throw out of the club that place. I'm like, they still have this sign on the wall. And they would, like, wave. Like, one was the comedy shop, and one was the comedy shop with two P's and an E. Right. Not that. One of them got the back sign off the divorce and tried to put it in the front of their building

and they had a couple of things to it. They had barkers out front like, comedy over here, comedy. Barkers, yeah. And they would flag parking over here, going to comedy, come over here. Back when comedy was popular the first time. And they would fight.

So Shirley Bynum, the one I worked for, was fucking crazed and they hated each other. We found one of those fat jiggling machines in a thrift store. You know, the belt goes around

from the 1950s and it was for nothing. Like $10. And we bought it and put it in one of the rooms in the comedy condo. For the listener who doesn't know, it's an apartment complex with two or three bedrooms. Oh, yeah. That's the nicest explanation for that. We put that in the living room or one of the bedrooms because it was funny.

It was falling apart. And later on she called me and she goes, who did this? She swore it was her ex-husband that had the other comedy club fucking with her. We just thought it would be funny

to put a 1950s fat jiggler machine in the condo. The original scam. But she was so convinced it was him, and I'm going to get a restraining order. No, no, I did that. I thought it'd be funny for the next comedians that come in like they think that's part of a comedy condo

is to have a 1950s, sorry. She turned loose with some of that old pussy. Shirley did. Yeah, she was an Amazon woman. Do you remember? It's kind of bullshit that you stole that joke, because I really think if you hadn't, Ron could have made something of himself. That was a missing link to my whole career, Doug.

I just realized where I went off the tracks is you and Andy Andrist, where you said I go, yeah, Andy gave you one of his bits, and this is back in Austin when we did Mushrooms on Your Bus. Right. And you looked at me, you go,

yeah, what I'd do is I I'll take another comics bit that's really funny, and then I'll take all the teeth out of it so it's not funny anymore, and I'll deliver it to my audience, and they will applaud. That's true. That's true. It's actually rare, a little rarer than that, but he had this bit that I just loved,

and it was such an obscure piece, and he did it. It was amazing. I couldn't even see the humor in the fucking thing, but it was a beautifully thought-out thing inside of this fucked-up exterior that really didn't make a lot of sense, and I bought it from him.

Yeah, I don't want to go into what it is because I just don't want people to know it. Because I know everything like I just thought of it three seconds ago. So I don't want to go into the bit. But that's what it was. And it was just a wonderful, very, very innocent, wonderful piece of comedy coming out of a very complex brain. And I really appreciated it, and I saw it. That's the way you describe your child when he has an affliction. Yeah.

Right. It's a diverse brain. Yeah, he's got a super, yeah, hyped up, yeah. Yeah, so so far we've heard Andy Andrus described as a complex brain and the comedy condo described as an apartment building. Yeah, we're being easy on everybody. It's easy night. I like that you admitted that Andy has one good joke

and still didn't want to tell it. You didn't even let him have it. I swear, a bucket list shit, I want to do a whole Andy Andrus CD of all his bits the way I've worked with him so long. And he nails it. If you watch him eight nights in a row, he nails that one bit. Sometimes he forgets the setup that makes it make sense, but has three new tags he's never said before.

And where I can do, when I work with Andy, I follow him and my first eight minutes is doing the bits he just did the right way. So one day I'm just going to fuck with him and put out a whole cd of just andy andres the way it should have been yeah is it going to be called dumbing it up for the asses

that is dumbing it down for the masses was the cd he put out that took the editor a year because he taped a week's worth of shows. And then he's like, how do I? It's not that he taped it. I had that CD. It was one of the first CDs I got when I started comedy. And it's just fucking. J. White Cotton on the mic? It's recorded like shit.

That is the worst sounding CD I've ever heard in my life. Like a Walmart bit he's doing that just sounds like he recorded inside the actual Walmart. Well, there's a couple of the club games. The quality of the recording. Cause I'm not going to ever say anything good about that guy. The guy that made it or Andy, the guy that put that together.

Yeah. That guy sucked ass. That fucking thing is a Travis. Well, I'll just back away I have nothing to gain or lose but I know that editing that sound quality who gives a shit

I'll be on your side but I know how fucking off kilter every night was where he, Andy, I'll, I'll, I'll take his side on this.

This one only. Fuck. Just cut in on me when I'm stuttering. I got, you know what? I, when he was telling me about this bit, it was,

uh, I didn't have any weed. And he said, oh, I got some weed. So he spends an hour going through this huge backpack, just going through, and every once in a while he'd find like a quarter of a crumb, a pot, and he was just kind of collecting that into one pile. And I'm like, this isn't what you were talking about when you said you had some fucking weed, is it, dude? But he scrapes it all together. And even though that's all he has, he's certainly

willing to share it and tell stories. I don't even know that I ever talked to him before or again. I would love to try to do my version of what I remember of that bit. It's been a long time. Versus what

your bit is. Oh, good lord. Mine's like a Gerber product. Yeah, it has nothing to do with that. I think your version's probably different. I don't mean to interrupt, but I would like to take this opportunity to announce that Andy and I are doing shows in June together in Montana and Idaho.

So come out and see us do comedy. And then Andy will be... Why don't you do that together? Bird Cloud has hired Andy as a manager. Poor Bird Cloud. No money for Bird Cloud. No, I don't mean for that.

No, they just like him. He's going to be our pretend manager. Pretend manager. I'm not joking. Andy and I are really doing shows together in June. We would love it if people came to the shows. It's going to be Andy and I on a whole run through the Northwest. So please come see it because we're going to be begging for people to be there.

And again, like Doug said, you have to see Andy do all 12 of the shows if you want to get the jokes. So buy tickets to all of the shows of the tour. Hang on, let's take a quick break and back after this. And here's the telltale sign we're going into ad copy. copy. Mack Weldon does not support smoking cigarettes the way I always start. Mack Weldon. You know what? There's kids out there that don't have any socks, underwear, or beautifully form-fitting undershirts that I love from Mack Weldon.

There's kids out there who dress their genitals in some kind of palm leaves that probably cut. That's how circumcision probably started, is some kid wearing sawgrass as underpants, and it cut off the tip of his foreskin. as underpants and it cut off the tip of his foreskin. I once made fun of a man who had no foreskin until I saw a kid wearing Sawgrass underpants. Nothing against Sawgrass underpants. All right, let's get to the pluses of Mack Weldon. As I've discussed, when Mack Weldon jumped on board

with the Doug Stanhope podcast, I wore all of their products, socks, underpants, and the undershirt to my beautiful 1970s polyester suite. Yeah, I wear 1970s polyester suits, and they make you sweat so bad i used to do a bit about how bad fucking had to smell in the 70s when those suits were popular because they make you sweat so horrifically i remember that you were doing the on stage during the whole yeah at the studio saturday night fever yeah and then they would go and fuck in a toilet with all their pubes on, and you know it had to stink vociferously, viciously. It stank really bad. Had to have. And I

wore one of those suits, as I always do on stage, but I didn't change my socks,pants or undershirt for a week vetting this product and in front of chaley i peeled my socks off after seven days and smelled them by myself yeah i was drinking but i also promote alcohol on this podcast so it's kind of a cross-pollination of sponsors perfect it was unbelievable uh they're comfortable the shirts make you suck your gut in a little bit so if you're like me it reminds you hey there's chicks around suck your gut in because previously i was wearing another brand of actually a high dollar brand. They were just thin. And I bought that brand because they were thin, didn't show through my suits. And within a couple wearings, they're all bloated out like my gut.

Mack Weldon fights your gut back in. It's a form of exercise. When you're aware of your gut and you suck it in, it's better than no exercise at all. You're flexing your abs. Mac Weldon is the exercise of an undershirt because it stays fit and it reminds you, hey, there's chicks around.

Suck in your gut, you fat old stooge that will never do another crunch. Yeah, so there's that. Smell your own feet. To some girls, that's a turn on. Listen, I know I haven't showered in a week, but look, I can smell my own socks. How bad could you be in your? Do they have to have Mack Weldon ladies undergarments for girls that are pigs like me? Because I know Bingo.

She doesn't shower for weeks on end like I do. Maybe I wouldn't be. Never mind. Right now, if it's unisex, it's gals wearing the gentleman's cut. All right. I don't know if this is what I had, but in the bullet points, it says they have a line of silver underwear and shirts. Yeah, I definitely got those for you because it's antimicrobial,

and that helps the – that may have been why – That eliminates odor. Yes, and I did that on purpose because – Well, let me talk to the people – I want to talk to you, Mack Weldon. Why aren't all your products odor eliminating? Why do you just have one? Do you think there's people, oh, I want comfortable socks, but I don't want to eliminate the foul smell of wearing them for a week.

Just make them all silver lining. Well, not everyone wears socks for seven days in a row. And by the way, you didn't take those socks off when you got home from the gig. Don't make me go anti-Mac Weldon on you. I'm saying that the silver. Why don't you have all of your products that? Well, it's an upgrade to go from the regular dress sock. As a guy who watches pornography, and I won't say which hub or tube.

I don't want to. But I guess there are people that are into the stink. I've seen it happen. So anyway. Actually, the silver is for the underpants, not the socks. It says right here, underwear and shirts, not the socks. Yep. But I know for sure that this doesn't make sense.

I'm just telling you, the underpants definitely work. I can promote Mack Weldon because I've worn Mack Weldon all together. The full ensemble, the full triage of socks, shorts, and undershirts. And yeah, fantastic product. Hey, talk about how easy it is to order these. Yeah, it's really easy. Get a podcast, pound it out for years and hope someone comes and gives you their product for free or just do like normal people do and just go to Mack Weldon dot com and give them your credit card. It's way easier to order Mack Weldon and just pay a reasonable price using the promo code Stanhope than it is to do years of podcasting, hoping one day someone will recognize that, yeah, you have a fan base out there. The Killer Termites, the Mack Weldons, a perfect culmination of storms.

We're going to need body bags, would say Becker. That's 20% off on your first purchase using promo code Stanhope. Then after that, you can spend $100 and get 10% off immediately. Immediately, meaning they'll give you money before you even give them money. So if you spend $100, immediately you'll get $10. At checkout, you'll get that 10%.

If you spend over $100, you'll get that 10% knocked right off. If you go up to $150, you get 15%. And for my fan base, if you spend $100 on underclothing, that's a lifetime supply. Because I know you're gross grub bags like me. And yeah, one shower a year with your life expectancy,

go for the full Monty. Get $100 worth. And if you don't like it, full refund. No questions asked. Again, I'm against Mack Weldon on this. Wouldn't you ask at least a couple questions? Like, oh, what was wrong? What can we do better? It's like saying, oh, hey, I bought $100 worth.

Well, $90 technically because I got that $10 off. I didn't like it. Oh, we get it. Obviously, you didn't like it. We don't ask questions. Anyway, I'm trying to be pro my audience and pro mac weldon i used to do this when i would see a commercial like a car company our boss went out of town and we ordered too much inventory so now we're passing the savings on to you don't tell crazy charlie when he gets back from jamaica

that we were giving you these kind of discounts. And I'd call the car lot and go, hey, I'd like to apply for the position of the new purchasing agent of what? Well, no, I saw your commercial and you ordered too much inventory when the boss was away. So I assume someone's getting fired. Someone got sacked for sure. Yeah. Well, you know what?

I assume someone's getting fired. Someone got sacked, for sure. Well, you know what? When I take over Mack Weldon, as is our whole Trump-like theme for every commercial we do, we're trying to figure out how to do corporate takeovers. So when we're Mack Weldon

and it's called Greg Chaley Underpants or Chad Shank Socks, you call me and you want a refund i'm gonna ask some questions because shank or chaley they're getting sacked and we're gonna get fucking derrick or kenny in here to take over the kenny socks derrick underpants kanap shirts. You get my point. I'd stay with the name. Mack Weldon. You've already got branding. Alright. Well, I'll just you know what? Fuck Kenny and

fuck Derek. I could tell either one of them that their new name is Mack Weldon and they're just shut up and take it. And they're just going to look at their shoes and take it. Because otherwise, they get no more free plastic handled jug canadian club whiskey not my fun house not here not ever hey go to mac weldon.com and get 20

off using promo code stanhope can you spell it if you can't you don't deserve the underpants. Mack Weldon, a better way to wear underpants. God damn it, I get all of these catchphrases confused. Hey, we're back. Andy is in the top three funniest human beings, just at the table around the clock funniest people with Joey Diaz and Matt Becker

I've always said Andy is the funniest guy to the gig and leaving back to the condo or the hotel what happens at the show, it doesn't matter. It's funny on the way there and on the way back.

I can vouch for – I got an anti-story. Austin, I think it was the first Moon Tower comedy festival. He booked himself, not in the festival. He booked like the 40-seater theater, had about eight people come out, did a show, got fucking wasted, and then showed up at the Stephen H. Austin Hotel where all the Moon Tower people are hanging out and just took over. Just started ordering drinks off Rich Miller's bar tab.

The best looker. Good. And everyone just letting him just go. It's like he's charming as fuck. I don't know how he can get away with it, but I'm sure it's slowly killing him. Yeah. Yeah, the Rich Miller combination. It's in the book.

He's trying to goad me into telling a story where there's two comedy festivals. The first one's in the last book where you stood up for me when it went haywire, and in the next book is you stood up for me when it went haywire. And in the next book is Montreal where you gave me your laminate and that fucking cunt Bruce Hills.

Right. I had no idea how much they hated you. I had no idea. I mean, I didn't give a shit. I mean, you're my friend, so I don't give a fuck. But you were sitting next to me when that argument happened. I don't go by what anybody else thinks about you, but i think about you had my back yeah well fuck you know no reason you can't come in it's a laminate for fuck's sake nobody takes them seriously they fucking take them serious down there when he continued to lose this argument over and over and I was shit faced and as I've said on

stage when you're slurring people assume you're wrong yeah but you're not not necessarily you're not two plus two equals four he's drunk he doesn't know what he's talking about

oh sorry well that's in the first book, Chicago. I was on a fucking tear. I don't even, I never understood that set. Renee had just got her face pounded in by the cops. And we had to go during that festival straight from the arrest to try to get uh i remember a facial bone whatever not orbital but yeah the sinus whatever the lower this is hitting the hot chick too this not like there's a difference but i'm just saying

i went up on stage one night where I just found a football helmet in the back because it was an improv group usually plays there, and I put on a football helmet, and I just did my whole set of fuck cops. It was just hate. There was no jokes. And the thing is, everybody knows that was there. Everybody knows that you were the best comic in the room. But for some reason, you took a path that walked the whole room.

Everybody left. Everybody left, and he was defying them to leave. And fuck you, motherfuckers. No, you were at the last show. I wasn't even at the worst one? No, you were at the worst one. That was really bad, but the worst one was the closing. I was the headliner for the closing set, and there was a bachelorette party at Zaney's

in downtown Chicago, front row, and I was just snapping, and I stole the bachelorette's hat or something. Yeah. The Dictator? I don't know, but I stole it off her head and told them to go fuck themselves. And then I left, and they're chasing management around to get their hat back. And they wanted their $50 back.

And I got booed. Oh, they... Everyone walked out, whatever. Then I have to go back to the finale party and sit with Ron White where nobody will talk to me. We have a bad set. I don't know, Bird Cloud, if you've ever had a bad

set. It wasn't as bad as this one. We've had real bad sets, yeah. Where no one will talk to you? Oh, yeah. We played in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. And it was, yeah, the janitor bought a CD. Nobody clapped.

And I just, like, made fun of all these, like, middle-aged women. You've been talking about washing your big pussy. And if nobody laughs at that, you're going to go, oh, they think. I've had a lot of kids. I don't know what their problem is up there, but they didn't like it. And so it just made us even more turned on on stage. We just spread our bat wings out and just really settle into this like, oh, well if people really hate us, then

we're really going to fucking get the fuck off on it. So that was good. It was good. But where the other artists wouldn't even talk to you?

Have you ever had that show where the other acts? Lots of times, yeah. Wow. I thought your show was fantastic. I thought it was hilarious and sexy and fun, and I thought it was great. Thanks. What did you think of Bird Cloud?

Bird Cloud. That's what it was, Bird Cloud. I'm talking about Brent Erickson. So anyway what it was Bird Cloud so anyway that night no one would talk to me it's the closing night and I go to the closing party because I don't give a fuck yeah no

you'd made that really clear like an eighth of the way into that set you didn't give a fuck I kind of thought it was funny and but anyway you sat there and you were the

only guy that would talk to me of all the comics because I had just put a black stain on my entire persona and you sat with me and I gave you advice. I remember I

remember telling you that as we heard on that podcast that that story you tell this is before way before Blue Cock. Yeah, way before. I got paid $100 to do that festival, and the check bounced.

I swear to God. To this day, I have not been recouped my $100 for that fucking... I did some big shows. I did one with Gaffigan, and I was opening for him. And then for a while he would have been opening for me, and then I would have been opening for him again. And that's the way it ended for the rest of our lives. I remember telling you,

when you wrote that, when you write a story that good, write more stories. You were talking about they don't have new material or something like that. But just talking about, like, I don't have new material or anything, something like that. But I had just, like, nobody in this entire festival of my peers will talk to me except for Ron White. And then Renee got so drunk that you had to help me carry her up a service elevator. I remember that part.

To put her down. I remember the whole night. I remember the whole night. I remember the whole night. I remember just going, I don't give a fuck. It doesn't matter to me. I mean, the set went the way the set went, and I didn't care. You know, I was a big Stanhope fan before, during, and after the whole fucking thing. If you can't hang with it, you can't fucking hang with it.

There you go. But I remember you telling me about what we talked about tonight on that other podcast about you being fired from the punchline for being on acid. You got it. You got the fact sometimes you melt down. Yeah, I got it.

There was a few dull spots. I got the band from the Funnybone in Columbus, Ohio for 10 years also. I'm still banned from there, Dave Stroop. Oh, yeah, Dave Stroop. He hates you worse than he hates me. I forgot who I was talking to.

You're the one that said you hoped his baby's head caved in or something. I hope his baby dies with a shunt put in his head and bleeds pus. It was beautiful. Yeah, I got banned from the whole mid-Atlantic for a while. And that was because he didn't like Hedberg. That's what started it. That's what started it. He fired Hedberg and tried to knock him down to a middle act

after he'd done 15 fucking Lettermans and i stuck up for him and then the long story i should put that in the book but i'll tell you what happened to me who wants to promote the fucking columbus funny bone that guy's still there i was uh i they you know they had this bill foley guy that would play guitar and sing on sunday night and uh and uh and I'd had a good week and and I was but that you know but I but and the staff though they're feeding me purple shots blue shots green shots I'm drinking them all and the guy who's the uh assistant manager Dave Stroop's uh runner his girlfriend is just fucking straight up hitting on me and he's not there and she's rubbing on my leg giving me shots and bill foley's playing there at rebecca edmund fitzgerald and

shit you know and so and uh and so he she and i end up just fucking up against the wall in the fucking women's bathroom, just my hand down her pants, just making out with her. And her fucking boyfriend walks into the bathroom. And there I went for 10 years. I got a 10-year sentence. I couldn't really explain it because I had her pussy juice on my fucking finger and my tongue in her throat you you'd been into the big lick they called gitchy goomy so yeah so that was 10 years wait when you say years, you don't play at the fucking Columbus Funny Bone.

Yeah, I know, but it was a 10-year stretch. I mean, that was one of my favorite rooms, and they didn't bring me back. And then finally, when they did bring me back, it was right before I got really popular, so I was like, didn't really have to go anyway. But they had moved to a new location. I was really good friends. I used to trip with that staff all the time. I ate a lot of ass with that staff.

It was a little part of my life when I was a little rambunctious. And so everybody was coming back to see me. It was a Saturday. Most of them had been at a wedding that week, so I hadn't seen everybody, all my old friends in 10 years. Every time one of them would come in, we'd do a big old glass of whiskey and three-show night. I'm there seven hours, right?

So last show, I'm going to go back and check on the feature act, see where he's at in the show. And I can't get the two images of him within 20 feet of each other. I got full-blown double vision, and I'm trying to suck the two images back in with a fucking eye strain. And I can't even get them close. And as soon as I relax, they just spring right back apart all the way. I mean, one eye can do it, but two eyes, not even that close. And so that was my first time back and i go up the midnight show and it

was just the ugliest fucking thing that i've ever created but nobody really noticed because they were doing the books and nobody cared you know i didn't i didn't know or i forgot which is the same thing at our ages just heard on the Cruncher podcast, you used to shoot dope and get chucked out of the Navy. I didn't know all this stuff about you. We're just trying to get Tracy Brown to turn loose some of that old pussy. I know, I know. Yeah, I've got a little, I got some.

Wouldn't that be so horrible to be accused of sexual harassment when you were being sarcastic? No, we don't want you to That's the irony here I don't even want to see your pussy ever What if she did turn loose the pussy? She'd have to turn it loose

someplace else Who knows? It was like... What's worse? Hey, ladies, get on that mic. And Bird Cloud is one person in my mind because one of them's Mackenzie, one of them's Jasmine. Too big and black

to put it all the way in. What would be more offensive? Someone sexually harassing you and meaning it? Or someone going i wouldn't ever do that as a joke obviously it's a joke when i talk about fucking you who would what's worse i like to bifurcate my audience with these kind of gay pride white power people people people mean it and then they claim it as a joke. I mean, you know.

Well, the comics do that all the time. For a living. For a living. If I say I want to fuck you and I say it in a funny way and then you say no, I go, I'm just kidding. Usually if I say I want to fuck you, I'm serious. Accepted the Tracy Brown way it but not that one no that one I was just saying

hang on ladies would you be more offended if someone said hey bird cloud you want to turn loose some of that old pussy and they were sexually harassing you as an opening act do people ever hit on you

that's irrelevant. The point being, seriously, as human beings, would you be more offended if they were trying to come on to you or they were mocking you because they'd never fuck you in a million years? And I would totally fuck either one of you in a million years. In a million years, I would. I would just say I don't care have you ever been fucked ironically yeah

what's it like like okay what oh you gotta do advertisements oh shit like okay what oh you gotta do advertisements oh shit we do actually have to do an ad no let's do it now can't you just back up and cut it in

or are we doing this live no no he cuts all of this don't worry you have full buyer's remorse clause if you say anything you don't this is not live. He'll cut it out. Do you remember anything I said? I think I might regret.

No. Do you want to work the funny bone again? No. No, I'm good. You'll be all right. I'm good with them. Fuck you, Dave. Everybody knows everything anyway about me.

I don't have any secrets. Oh, shit. Hang on. Sponsor. We have more music coming up, by the way. Oh, yeah. Mischka's going to play, right? Sponsor number one, do a commercial.

What does that mean? Oh, oh. Let me take this one, Doug. There you go. I wrote it in English. Number one. No, that's right. Exactly.

We are. It's your tequila because it is actually sippable, which is unknown in tequila. I fucking hate tequila. Well, let me do the lead in there. I drank yours. If you hate it, let me. I sipped yours. let's get a little I'm not fucking

fucking tequila baby bird clouds endorsement right there I don't need your endorsement you did vodka no taste drinking whatever but it is thank you very much for giving me a chance

to plug my tequila so it's number one tequila you can go to taterst tequila. It says, number one, tequila. You can go to taterstequila.com. We'll send it to your house. You have to give us money. And then it'll prove to be the best drink of liquor you've ever had in your life of any kind. And I've never lied to you ever. Ron, tater salad white.

Let me try to enunciate what you just said. Go to what? Sherwin-Burger.com? TatersTequila.com. TatersTequila, like potatoes, but in a redneck. TatersTequila.com. Fuck you, it.

And if you Google that and you misspell it, you'll figure it out. Or you can just go back and ask Professor Stanhope. TatersTequila.com. This tequila, if I'm not wrong, I will tell you, this tequila has never lost a competition for a tequila that costs under $300, and it's only $79.

Am I right? Pretty fucking close right there, buddy. Yeah. Well, that's the way it was eight months ago when I listened to the podcast you did today. That's a fucking tasty tequila. Yeah, you'll love it if you get a try. What else do you recommend? No, you just said that a little bit backwards.

The podcast was eight months ago. We listened to it today. It doesn't matter. The tequila's never been in a contest that they didn't win. And it also won. It also got into the top five of all tequilas. Is that right? Yeah, it was voted one of the top five tequilas in the world,

and it was the only one under $300. But you're right. It's about $80 five tequilas in the world, and it was the only one under $300. But you're right. It's about $80. That's the exterior and the aho. And the other two are also out there. The other two are shitty. The Blanco, which is delicious, is $39.99, and the Reposado is $49.95. And they both won multiple gold winners.

And it's the shitty ones he's pouring into Bird Cloud's head. You can also go to oldtowntequila.com. That's where they sell it on the Alon line. And that's the way to go. And we're going to get a bunch of it sent out to the Fun House. And by the way, Bird Cloud is begging for this tequila. I'm not pouring it down their throat. They're saying, how about some more of that goddamn...

Look at them. Look at them right there. 100%. Did backflips in your house with it. Hey, Doug. Hey, Doug. I got a good idea. You know what? It's late. So let's go ahead and take a break. How about a break, Doug? Oh, you know what? There's gin. and take a break. How about a break, Doug? Oh, you know what?

There's gin. Isn't there? Okay. There's always gin. Yes. Gin, somehow we get off of gin. Gin, we had a moment, like a month of gin fizzes. It's more than a moment.

It was a while. Yeah. And then it went into Negronis. That's what queer... Negronis ruined us. I still get emails about Negronis. Hey, or not emails, but tweets where people go, Hey, thanks, Doug Stanhope, having a Negroni at a bar with a picture of their Negroni.

And we go, eh, rarely. It's just, yeah, it's a killer. What's a killer? Negronis. You can have two at best. So learn moderation. At the end of the night, do a closer. You know, we didn't talk about that.

You don't remember to buy the orange, which is imperative to have the orange rind. We don't ever have it. That turned the corner on that drink for us, by the way. It did. We actually started doing the, not only just a little zest or something, when you actually just pull out your pocket knife or get a potato peeler

and get one nice fat potato chip side. Which, if you're, you can, those are two things you can get past TSA, is orange is not really liquid. As much as a human being isn't liquid, even though you're 98% water, you can get yourself through TSA. You can get an orange, which probably more than 98 more than three ounces of liquid probably from an orange absolutely if you squeeze it hard squeeze it right yep this is a this is a a plug i don't even need to sell you give me a fucking million bullet points

but audible i can't sell hard enough i don't know how to use it because i'm uh challenged technologically is that right technologically all right audible shut up audible i don't even need to sell because I grew up in my early road years listening to books on tape back when you'd have to rent them out of a truck stop and they were on cassette tape and then DVD where I go, I don't have DVD. I only have this in books on tape? Just change the road. And back then I was traveling eight hours between gigs in a day. But you guys, you fuckheads in L.A. and New York or wherever in metropolises, Chicago, you spend like an hour and 15 minutes every day in and out of work each way. Four and 15 minutes every day in and out of work. Each way. Angry, honking your horn, and nothing will change your day like listening to books on tape.

And now it's easy for you, now that you're young and you can figure out all these... Well, they don't have that anymore. Audible's taken over the whole thing. I know. I'm saying, people today know how to use ipods and podcast the fuck i don't know what you've listened to it on chaley does that's why he has a job i listen to non-fiction i like to listen to any kind of dirty rock and roll comedians non-fiction but they have whatever you like you want to listen

to 50 shades of fuck me and masturbate and your your fiat yeah you can listen to that in traffic you're not yelling at traffic anymore you're going oh i hope traffic gets a little bit more congested so i can hear the end of this before i have to get to my graveyard shift at a fucking call center you enjoy sitting in traffic we've done this with podcasts of our friends and we've done this with audible where you're listening to a book with me autobi autobiographies, biographies, you with whatever you want to listen to, a fucking Louis L'Amour Western, probably Audible has it. Oh, my God, no, I've never even thought about that.

I usually, like, the one I was listening to was the John Ronson before we got it to the Duff McKagan, and you guys were like, eh, let's get, we want to rock and roll. Before we got it to the Duff McKagan, and you guys were like, let's get rock and roll. I love John Ronson, but with all due respect to Audible, because his voice, there's a reason that I had Chad Shank do most of my last book on Audible. And the next one, hopefully all of it, unless it's something specific where you need my voice. Hopefully all of it, unless it's something specific where you need my voice. John Ronson has a voice that you feel like you've been molested. No. Can I say that?

I love listening to his voice. And everyone in the car shouted you down. I know. Everyone in the tour van said. I have three books by him that I haven't listened to yet that I ordered. him that we i haven't listened to yet that i ordered he's one of the only authors that i've read three books of once i listened to a little bit i felt like there was an et glowing long piano finger inside of me listening to his voice and i love him the whole the psychopath test and so you've been publicly shamed oh my god is that good such a good book yeah uh read those but go to audible for other books if i'm not a

little bit fucking honest these reads will come across as bullshit and audible is the only one that i can i would do without any sponsorship. We've done plenty of plugs for them even before they sponsored. The one I was going to suggest, because the Duff McKagan one, It's So Easy, on a big portion of that tour was us listening to that book. Well, here's the problem is when you listen to Audible, when you're listening to a book, everyone in the tour van has to be on board. So that's why we always went with rock and roll biographies and like shit. We're all dealing with in the moment because everyone's on board.

And all of a sudden some Hannigan held trip where you go, why did you think Pittsburgh was near Omaha? You fucking asshole. But the drives fly by. Yeah, yeah. And if you sit in traffic listening, it makes such a difference. And I was against it because what I'm interested in

is not what you're interested in, but we found common ground through Audible. The one I was going to suggest after that because we had a couple days, but then we didn't really have long drives. The Medium Raw, Anthony Bourdain's second book. So good. And his writing, I mean, you've read Kitchen Confidential. Did you? Yeah.

You actually read the book. Yeah. I've actually listened to Medium Raw. I would listen to it again. It's that good. And I was going to suggest that one because that's in my queue. I've got a bunch of books here that I never went to. But yeah, next trip, that's definitely one we're going to put in.

Go ahead. Give the plug. Audible.com slash Doug Stanhope. Slash Doug Stanhope. It's written there. Evidently,ly his book on audible is great too slash see how i brought the commercial back you fuck yeah actually i didn't finish slash's uh autobiography years ago so that's when i would actually you know i'll pull that up because every uh month you get one uh one free book so that's a book. NoFX is on Audible. Yes.

I've downloaded that as well. That's what NoFX, that book is so great because unlike Slash and Duff McKagan, who are in the same band and have separate biographies, NoFX has all the different band members in different chapters arguing against each other. He said that? No, I remember that night. That's bullshit. I didn't have a boner and no socks. I remember the socks specifically.

I didn't touch her purse. Yeah. More bands should do books together, but they don't talk. I have not even listened to the first second of that book because you guys are giving me shit on the on the road but that is what i want to hear how how they how they tackle it because i mean i know this is one of the bullet points here is uh uh the uh

audible has great listen guarantee didn't like it you can swap it so uh yeah you could uh if you listen to duff mckagan and you prefer slash you go fuck duff mckagan i want slash's version of this story so yeah you could be a cunt like that but i know you you don't have the time you're drunk and you're uh just happy to be sitting in traffic rather than sitting at your cubicle where you can't listen to Audible. Unlike a streaming or rental service with Audible, you own your books. You make me say things that are just buzzwords. No, you're getting a good deal just by being on Audible. on audible uh hey oh if you don't like audible go to library.com and they'll stamp your book and if it's late they'll come after you for late fees well into your student loan years are far

over there's there's no it's there's audible or nothingudible or just buy a book, read it into your pocket tape recorder, and then listen to you read a book. Or get Audible and use the – Slash Doug Stanhope. Oh, slash Doug Stanhope. Fuck, I always forget my first name when we're on the podcast. But you get a 30-day free trial, and that's audible.com slash Doug Stan get a 30-day free trial and that's audible.com slash doug stanhope 30-day free trial check it out hey honey uh listen hey we're on the air in

the middle of a read so uh do you know how to read a book or would you prefer to listen to it on audible Or would you prefer to listen to it on Audible? I would love to listen to it on Audible. Did you read my book? Yes, I did. I read the dedication. She read the dedication to her. You're not going to read a book, but you would listen to that book on Audible, wouldn't you?

I sure would. All right. Well, there you go. Are you doing a podcast right now, you bugger? Yeah, I'm doing a podcast right now. Do I usually make you drop plugs during a general conversation? Okay, call me when you're done. All right. I love you.

Bye. Okay. That's Amy Bingo Bingaman. Even fresh out of a coma and brain damage, she can still listen to a book on Audible. It would have to be about her because that's how bingo works. Or as long as a greeting card. Yeah.

She read my Audible book, but she only read the dedication to her and then quit after a long time. It took her like three days to read the five sentences I wrote. Anyway, audible, belabor the point. And for the record, as I'm finishing up my second book, the only thing I look forward to is doing the audible version because this book is not the depressing mother thing. This is road stories.

It has a through line, but it's all the fun shit. And as I'm writing it, I can't wait to try to get all of these people on the audible version. of these people on the audible version because if you listen to the audible version of the last one we would stop what i wrote and have the person that i'm talking about on the audible version and i think we broke new ground doing that then hey patricia here's where i wrote about fucking you in the ass with your head hanging out of a holiday in Chicago out of a window so I could smoke while I. But no, you didn't come in my ass. You came on my back. And then we'd have back and forth.

And that was. But with the new book, there's so many people involved. Dan Tosh back when he was D.T. Tosh and I get a hooker that stole my identity and like oh I can't wait to jack up all these people to tell their versions of the story on audible and uh yeah we should charge audible a lot more this time because this is going to be the fucking best audible book ever so yeah sign up now and don't be a bitch click oh that's not how you end a plug you go oh back to the podcast to get your free audiobook go to audible.com slash doug stanhope that's audible.com slash doug stanhope slash Doug Stanhope.

There was a... When I was writing the mother book, there's a song that he has. The hoarder song that just... It's so fucking dark. The darker, the darker. Come on. Play it. Play it.

He works hard. One more, then we'll go back to talking into these mics. The girl's got to play Play it. You worked hard. One more, then we'll go back to talking into these mics. The girls gotta play a song. Oh, yeah. There's a story about the song. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a perfect hoarder song. Boxes and boxes of unlabeled crap. If I die now, they ever get unpacked? Boxes and boxes of unlabeled crap If I die now they will never get unpacked. I can't remember when you were mine. I can't remember when you were mine. I can't remember when you were mine.

2003 feels like 1989 I'm Sweet child of mine And that nightstand I Built for you, is it lonely for me alone in your bedroom? Does it cry at night or does it understand as you tremble underneath your new man's hands. I can't remember when you were mine. I can't remember when you were mine.

I can't remember when you were mine. 2003 feels like 1989 I'm sweet child of mine I'm all those messages that you've been receiving That I can't remember leaving It's a small relief still It's a good thing you're deleting

without listening they disappear like pennies down a wishing well tiny good intentions

on the road to hell. But I'll go bankrupt and that well will overflow. Before you'll forgive me and let me come home. I can't remember when you were mine. No, I can't remember when you were mine. No, I can't remember when you were mine I can't remember when you were mine No, I can't remember when you were mine No, I can't remember when you were mine

Mine 2003 feels like 1989 Oh, oh, oh, Sweet Child O' Mine That's from Mischka's album, we just killed it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, It kind of proves I can bring any party down and they can bring it right back up. I was like, holy shit. That's what it did. You're not a good Moses kid. Like, clear. Wham.

All right, can you guys play that one song? Because then we're going to go into the story and know about that song. Well, I want to, just quickly, since I see the red lights on. Is that when we're done? Still going. No, you're done whenever you leave.

I know. We have a very good story about this. We'll figure out bedrooms. or still going? No, you're done whenever you leave. I know, I'm staying here. We have a very good story about the story. We'll figure out bedrooms. We can walk around and find out where to fall down. Don't worry. Yeah, there's a... Oh, yeah. This stairs and the next stairs.

Yeah, we'll find it. Our room is right up here at the end of the hall. Just lock your door and then we're fine. You can't find the rest of them. Yeah, don't worry. I got the green tape. I did it on the worry. But that song that he just sang when I was writing the

book about Mother, I had to go through all of this the opening line. Boxes and boxes of unlabeled crap. Where that song was in my head in a loop the entire time I wrote that first book

Where I was just going through shit trying to figure out all that stuff. So yeah I love you. That's the best review I've ever heard which was uh, if there's such a thing as being too honest, Doug Hulme Doug Stan Hulme has achieved with this book I'm just trying to record it Okay, go for it Yep I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just Let's do that. Maybe right next to it. We don't want to stand up. Like stand up. Three feet back. Sleep in.

As late as you want. Come back over here and get everybody to haul them back out. It's as easy as that. Sounds good. Hey, we're going to start. Hey, can I cast them I smoke? Yeah, right. That didn't even come into play. How many cigars do you have?

Huh? How many cigars do you have? How many do I have? No. Can I have a cigar? I've got hardly any left. How big of a cigar do you like? I just like smoke like...

Ron, there's one right here. Ron. Oh, okay. Okay, here we go. Let's boogie woogie. See that little... Those cabinets right over there that's a human or that's a that's full cigar oh yeah I know okay but you'll love this one this is one that David off makes for me all right let's uh we call it the prestige. All right, let's boogie-woogie,

or let's get retarded like the Black Eyed Peas say. Ready? One, two, ready, go. And that's it. And I said, oh, honey, look at the moon. It's a beautiful night. And you said, it kind of looks like a number case in the sky. What do you think? Yeah, it sure does. And you ain't got enough damn sense to stay out of the rain.

There must be something severely wrong with your brain. I'm a little tiny looking, but I love you just the same. Alright, come on. You're damn, you're so goddamn, goddamn fucking dumb You're damn, you're so goddamn, goddamn fucking dumb Uh honey, would you like me to fix you up a special treat and you said Let's do it Yeah, cause it's a Mountain Dew

Popsicle with a spin for a spin. Honey, that sounds good. And you ain't got nothing since they had the rain. There must be something severely wrong with your brain. Someone said your mama

must have took some Accutane You're so goddamn, goddamn fucking dumb You're so goddamn, goddamn fucking dumb. You're damn, you're so goddamn, goddamn fucking dumb. Hell yeah. Yeah. Great. Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm. I like biscuits and mustard. I also like the Doug Stanhope podcast. Mm-hmm. All right, we're back from God knows what. Bird cloud. I told Kathy, she's my publicist, and she was with us earlier today. And she said, well, I want to go hang out with you guys. And I'm like, no.

Doug and I have a tendency to go for a level of debauchery that I really don't need my employees exposed to. Yeah, listen to the podcast. Oh, yeah, fuck, I forget people are listening to this shit. Everybody, I love you. Bird Cloud, what's the story behind that song You just played The dumb song Eat the mic

That song We were hung over That song took us 13 hours to write Actually But Go ahead Jazz Take it away Well we went on them.

We went on Americans Got Talent with that song. Really? Yes. They flew us down to San Antonio, Texas. We knew we were going down as sacrificial lambs. We knew that it wasn't going to be good. But we didn't know that we weren't going to be provided any fucking security and that they weren't going to fucking,

they were going to treat us like fucking shit the whole time. Like everything was like, it was bullshit. Like we went down there and we knew we were going to be the losers, okay? Like we knew that they didn't want to love us at all. So we go down there and we do all this shit. We're the dance moms. But we smuggled in a pint of Jim Beam. Or a fifth?

It was a fifth. It was a fifth of Jim Beam. The way we did it was I stuck it in my jacket pocket or my jacket sleeve, and then I took my jacket off, and I laid it down on the thing for this woman to wand us. And then she threw her jacket just nonchalantly on top of mine, and then, like, we just, like, walked in with this fucking fifth of fucking Beam. So we go on there, second to last. The exes are just lighting up under our feet.

We're looking at each other like, just let's keep going. But before that, we're like, you know, we're the oldest people there. And they're like, why the goddamn fuck are you here? Like dance moms that are our age, they had kids when they were 13. By the way, you're 31 and...

We're not talking about it. Well, you were just talking about it. I mean, you're talking to... Like you just turned 62 or something. You're young. Anyone listening? The youngest ones in the room. We're 32. I would imagine the two most fuckable chicks in the whole fucking thing. You're the youngest one. You're the youngest ones in the room. I would imagine the two most fuckable chicks in the whole fucking thing.

You're the youngest ones in the room because Mishka's girlfriend isn't here. Oh yeah, does Ron White have an age limit too? He has a 14-year-old girlfriend that didn't make the trip.

The exes are flying up under our feet. Who were they? Were they real judges? Girlfriend that didn't make the trip. The exes are flying up under our feet. And by the time. Who were they? Were they real judges? Okay. So Stern. Howard Stern.

I can't say shit about Stern. I know. He's my hero. I know. The third ex comes out. He loves you. He hates me. Mackenzie's pissed.

He hates us. He hates me too. Me and Jeff are center. Like lace fingers holding hands. Fucking Howard Stern is like, so, like, you think you're, like, shock jocks or whatever. Like, I'm the king of that shit, and you're doing a really piss poor job of it. And we're just like, well, we're not at all trying to be anything like you, you know? Like, we're just like.

Heidi Klum has her fingers in her ears. Is it over? Please tell me it's over. Fuck you, bacon neck bitch. That's a compliment. Fuck you, raw bacon neck bitch. Scary spice.

What does Klum do? Who knows? She's a fucking model. She washes that big old pussy is what she does. She's married to fucking... Seale. Shade or Seale. Seale.

Shade. Shade. Sade. Hey, I gotta tell you, they're not married anymore. Seale, quit fucking her. And Scary Spice, you know what? She doesn't have respect from her peers like you do. Like you do.

Because here we are, respecting you, even as we... Absolutely. Yeah, you like it or you don't. Right. They don't. Well, what happened was... Children liked her. The audience got out.

Small children. The problem was we were second to last. So then the last one was a very well-loved drag queen performance. But we got out at the same time as the audience. As soon as we were done, they were like, get out of here. And we got out at the same time as the audience. We had just got booed by 2,500 people in the theater. How many did it hold?

Like, you know, like, you know, it was packed out. I don't know if you've ever been booed like that, but it was real. It was really... It was really... I've walked almost that many.

It was really... I wanted to come, and I wanted to cry, and I wanted to go hide, and I wanted to get drunk, and I wanted to come and I wanted to cry and I wanted to go hide and I wanted to get drunk and I wanted to go high five everybody. You've come to the perfect house in Suwannee, Georgia. Oh, we're still in the same state

after this fucking rape drive? You ever been to a wooded area? So we get out at the same time as the crowd and we're walking out with our instruments fucking rape drive? You ever been to a wooded area? So we get out at the same time as the crowd, and we're walking out with our instruments, and they start booing us on the way to the fucking hotel shuttle. They start actually harassing us, sexually harassing us,

fucking losing their fucking minds, freaking the fuck out, being violent, and we're running our assholes off to the shuttle where all the fucking like fat moms are getting on the thing and we're like oh my god so we go back to like where the cheerleaders moms are and they're just like fucking like like not having it this one this one mom and daughter came up and they're like i thought y'all were real cool. We're like, hell yeah. I love Honey Boo Boo. So I... No, no, no. It's a little bit like that.

Listen, you didn't hear how this started, and this is going to be your most horrific editing job. If you want to put this together, is how we started before the show. Speaking of editing. That was my comment earlier. Indigestion. So this MTV pilot.

Yeah, we did it. We did MTV. Why would you? Well, you're the one who said, why don't we do a before and after? And you just went ballistic the way you were supposed to do when I was kind of sober and trying to focus on a show. You don't do the daddy role very good, Doug. You know, it's funny to watch you try to take responsibility for something.

It's really kind of funny. But, you know, you're the smartest guy, although you can't prove it on paper. Really smart fella. But you got your glasses on, you got a tie, a coat, or no, you don't have a coat on, but, you know,

you seem so serious sometimes, and, like, you're taking, I mean, you're, like, taking responsibility for people even drunker than you. You know, like you're leading us to someplace that we could be. Earlier today, we tried to do, the ladies will tell you. Yeah. We tried to do a sober version of this. We did a bad job.

Yeah, they were. We're really hungover. Yanking teeth. Trying to get them to go out of their little That's why they've been going Give us more tequila Ron We want to get trashed and do this right Tequila is tops

We'll pee on you Tops Please They're kind of tops when it comes to peeing Honestly They're more peers than Ron you have no idea how we do this peeing. Like better than R. Kelly. Ron, you have no idea how we do this. It's usually with a lot of liquor.

Because they showed up we were eating potatoes. And you left. You both left me. I was yelling, hey can someone help me? Potatoes. They weren't potatoes. Well, you know. I was yelling, hey, can someone help me? They weren't potatoes.

Well, you know. What were they? Red potatoes. Hot fix. They're called russets. Russets. Microwaves. Anyway, we get together sober. The last time we saw each other, it was a debacle,

and we don't remember any of anything that happened last time we saw each other. So when we see each other again, we just try to nurse ourselves into drinks. But we thought we should do a podcast to promote their upcoming tour with Mishka Shabali in the UK in September. Fuck yeah! That reminds me of my upcoming tour with Andy Andrist in June in Idaho, Montana, and Washington.

So check the website, brothererickson.net. I would love to plug some Ron White dates, but he's had his entire tour canceled because we talked shit about Dave Stroop in Columbus. I knew there was gonna

be a price to pay and i knew that price would be severe and i no longer have dates thank you dave banned me just for finger fucking your fucking assistant manager's girlfriend in the bathroom. Old Gitche Goomey. He was about to move to California with him, with that girl. And I'm like, seriously, dude. I mean, he was the next morning. He was driving me to the airport. He just saw it.

He didn't say anything. He's taking me to the airport the next morning. And there's this long, quiet pause where I'm not sure if he saw me pulling my hand out of her pants or pulling my tongue out of her mouth or it looked like I was just shoving her up against a wall. For another reason. Exactly, to him.

This is back before it was illegal or frowned upon. Big jokes about. Then we're on the way to the airport. The next morning, he's taking me to the airport. And there's this long pause, empty. I'm like, okay, this is horrible. He goes, Karen said you kissed her last night. And I said, yeah, you know, it might have been a dance or, you know, she might have kissed me.

I don't know. She said, you put your hands down her pants and started playing with her pussy and kissing her. And I'm like, I don't know. What do you mean by that? No, I certainly did not. And I was like, you know, I wouldn't move to California with her because she seemed to be a little slutty. That's a... A little slutty.

That's a... Ten years I got. I got ten. And I'm the one that got the ten fucking years. A quandary where you... I've been in that position where you want to say... With his boss.

Your wife is a... A cum dumpster. A fucking... I'm sorry to be the guy that knows... That breaks it, do you? I fucked her and stopped. Get out of that relationship.

In a stall. Oh my God. This out of that relationship. In a stall. Oh, my God. This will all be edited. No, no, no. I'm not telling stories, but I have stories where I, oh, I fucked your wife and sorry, and you can't tell them, but you go, don't stay with her. Have you seen her? She's got kind of a cross on you.

Don't marry her. I can't even tell you why. It's a feeling I have. It's a feeling. I'm having a feeling. It's a scratchy, itchy feeling that I have in my genital region. I don't know. Something's happened.

All right, let's kill this podcast so we can talk stories. Wait, let me plug my UK dates. Okay. Mishka is going to be opening for Bird Cloud. When? No, I'm actually I'm leaving for the UK May 1st. I'm there May 4th to the 30th. Please come and see me as if Bird Cloud wasn't coming in September.

In September. So that's your whole announcement is that you're going to be in the UK? And I'm going to be. Do you have any specific dates? I mean. Go to MishkaShibali.com. And then they're all over the place. Yeah, they're all on my website.

Mishka, his songs are the soundtrack to my life. I was digging them all night long. Great, dude. Fantastic. The best opening line ever. I think he did it tonight. The potato peelings in the sink did not turn out to the vodka. Like I had hoped.

Yeah, that was amazing. Best opening line ever written. Actually, if you want all of Mishka and Bird Cloud dates, as well as Doug Standup, go to oldtowntequila.com. And order number one tequila. And we'll be sending out tour dates with both these artists. That's a great idea. It's listed on the back of the bottle. I think we just picked up

a sponsor. Limited edition bottles with just the dates on the back. I can think of a couple. I'm sponsoring the tour just with the rest of this bottle and just passing it around. Hey look guys, you got paid tonight. Whatever you want to do with it. Fill it

back up. Or throw it up. If you just drink a little bit of it. Rain on me. Got it, baby. Rain on me. Rain on me. What are we closing on? A matoid.

Yeah, fuck it. Yes, yes, yes. Fuck it. Oh, my God. Okay, can I tell you all? Just real quick. Did you fuck the matoid? No, no.

I never fucked the Matoid. He wouldn't. Wait, what? No, he was my roommate for about six months. Who was? The Matoid. He's this. He's this. Do's a Finnish player?

He should get finished because I'm trying to close this part. Oh, you were trying to wrap it up. I just thought it would be funny. He writes these fucking amazing songs. He's the best. I can't believe he's not. He's a genius, but I can't believe he's not an international superstar.

Unbelievable. And you did him? No, he lived with me for a little bit. But you didn't. But I couldn't believe when he was my roommate. I was like, oh my God, why would he want to live with me? This doesn't sound like a story. He was an immigrant.

No. No. I don't believe you. I don't believe you. I don't believe you. I don't believe you. I don't believe you. I don't believe you.

I don't believe you. I don't believe you. Right now. We're closing up. Okay, bye. Adios, amigos. Ah! She fucked the mat.

Oh, you totally fucked him. I can tell. I can tell. Hey, you want me to... I'll close it by singing... I would fuck someone. I would fuck the mat because it would be so weird. I'm going to close this by...

I'm going to close it by singing a Tim Wilson song. Me and Billy Gardell carry Tim Wilson to his grave. This is a perfect song. It's 60 seconds long. There's hope. There's despair. There's misdirection. There's redemption

in a 60 second song, which makes it perfect. Perfect. Hold on. Who's going to die first? Who's the next guy? It's going to die. Here it is.

He tried paddling to San Diego where the waves swept him out to sea, and he washed up on the beach at Waikiki. He's the only illegal Mexican in Honolulu. He's been here 20 minutes, gowned him a roofing job to do He don't know if they're gonna make him go Or if they're gonna let him stay But it's looking pretty good Cause we're already calling him

Don Jose Don Jose Tim Wilson, everybody. Rest in peace, Tim Wilson. Rest in peace Tim Wilson Rest in peace Sounds a little bit like The only gay Eskimo The only one that I know

He's the only gay Eskimo In my tribe From Tucson to Conqueror It's got the paw. The kind of rig that's ever been made. Drilling on the back roads so I wouldn't get weighed. Lord, if you give me wheat, white sand, wine. We White Sandwine And you show me a sign

Lord I'll be willing To keep moving Get out everybody! Bye bitch! Hell yeah! Click! Did you hang up? No, I just said click. Click it. Party time.

Party time. Party time. Drink your drinks and eat your eats. It's party time. Laugh your laughs and eat your eats. It's party time. Laugh your laughs and eat your heats. It's party time. Smile your smiles and do your blues. It's party time.

Dance your dance and shoe your shoes. It's party time. Howl your howls and suck your socks it's party time Oh baby, grab your crap. Fuck your fucks. It's party time Grab your crap. Fuck your fucks. It's party time Grab your crap. Fuck your fucks, it's party time! One more! Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time! Here we go!

Party time! Party time, yeah! Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, hey! Party time, yeah! Party time