The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #208: Viceland host and author Kliph Nesteroff (The Comedians)

Episode Date: May 12, 2017

This episode is sponsored byNumber Juan Tequila - www.TatersTequila.comANDThe Shady Dell – ShadyDell.comDoug talks with Kliph Nesteroff (Viceland host and author of "The Comedians") about comedy and the law, LSD to cure alcoholism and just what is Viceland. Tom has a Vegas story and Chad explains the issue with his neighbor's dog.Recorded April 28, 2017 in Bisbee, AZ at the FunHouse with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Kliph Nesteroff (@ClassicShowbiz), Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Jobi (@StanhopeCDP), Tom Konopka (@realTomKonopka), & Ggreg Chaille (@GregChaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.Closing song, "Get Lost", by The Fame Riot. Available on iTunes.LINKS:- Number Juan Tequila - www.TatersTequila.com- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

All right, we get this podcast. We'll start out quickly. We have Brian Hennigan is with us, as well as Chad Shank and Greg Chaley. And we have a special guest. We just shot a segment for Viceland.com with Cliff Nesteroff. He's the author of comedians from the 30s through like the 80s. And then they forced Louis C.K. in to actually sell it. Absolutely correct. Absolutely correct. And we just filmed a segment about comedy classes. And is it is it possible to teach people how to be funny? And of course, you know, I have opinions. But we get done with that, and we wanted you to just do a quick set on the podcast

because you have to zip back up to Tucson. First question. First question, what's the difference between Vice.com, Vice the show on HBO, and Viceland, which was what I first learned about in 2003 or something? Viceland is a TV channel, which is what we just filmed it for. So it's not for the internet. It's for a cable station.

Vice on HBO, I guess, is what they did before they had a TV station of their own. And now I think that they have their own TV station eventually. They can dump Bill Maher because, hey, if you could teach comedy. But anyway. Well, we were talking beforehand about this sort of gimmick that people use where they have predictable punch lines and bill marr always does that thing in his monologues where it's like one is a blah blah blah the other is a black guy you know that whatever that switch is that is every are you allowed to talk shit about bill

marr at this point because uh i don't want to get you fired we do have a buyer's remorse clause on this podcast where if you say something you you shouldn't have we'll take it up i i have a tendency to make some people i think bill maher is very quick uh i think he's brilliant at what he does in his format his stand-up is fucking awful just like he took classes from the guy you showed me. I, yeah, I like, I like Bill Maher's program. I think it serves a good purpose in like political discourse. And he has people like Matt Taibbi and Jeremy Scahill.

Very great. Like people I've never heard of, which is why I don't watch it. But like really smart, like people that wouldn't otherwise be on TV at all with their politics. But his comedy, when the last writer's strike happened and he went back on the air with some kind of exemption without writers he did new rules which he wrote himself and oh my god that was uh that was a story site i gotta say uh yeah well then now you're getting me off track again

into the writer's strike where you go oh really i remember the first one saying, or the last one, oh, really? We're not going to get Suddenly Susan anymore on Third Rock from the Sun? And I don't even know the local or updated references for that. But it's sad you could only be here for overnight. Yeah, we're flying to Nashville to do a segment about Christian comedians, the church circuit. So that's why we're.

That's going to be so much more fun. I don't know. I'm a little bit intimidated that I'm going to be ambushed by like, like I'm going to be baptized or something against my will. I don't know. I don't know what to expect. You won't laugh. I guarantee you, no matter what happens, you won't. Who doesn't laugh at liars?

Come on. Well, you won't. Who doesn't laugh at liars? I mean, come on. Well, he explained this. You guys weren't in the room, but he explained for the segment this Christian comic who, the way you described her, is basically telling people why it's funny she had to ignore the church and why the church shit on her mental illness and suicidal tendencies. She's still very much, I guess, a born-again type person, and she does strictly Christian venues, or it's at least marketed that way.

Church-going people come to her gigs. But she talks about how she was suicidal well after she had found Jesus and was born again. Hypothetically, the theory is once that happens, you're happy and you're full of joy. But she was suicidal, so she talks about that in her stand-up act. And how the faith shit on it. Yeah.

She called her kids into her room and was going to tell her small children, Mommy's not going to be around anymore. You'll be better off without me. So that alone was controversial for this Christian audience. Now pray before you go to bed. Yeah. I find that hilarious. I don't know if the

rest of you think it's funny but i think it's fucking duplicity is great but the interesting thing that interesting point doug makes is that she plays the same role for her constituency as he plays for his which is to make them laugh at something that's deadly serious you know so well playing to the demographic is like uh you know political comedians are very guilty of that you know a left-wing left-wing political comedian relish in it it took me decades to get to a place where i could not have to worry about oh he said this word and that word and this subject is not funny well to my audience it is the only thing i can think of that would queer my audience away

is going sober or becoming born again. Two things that we're talking about right now. So let's get back to you and your book because we've covered this shit. But your thing, you wrote this book. You did stand-up, you said, from 1998 to 2006. Correct, yeah. And what queered you out of it other than them not showing up? Yeah. I lived in Vancouver. It literally was

people not showing up because I lived in Vancouver, which is a smaller market. I'm Canadian. At the time, I could not legally perform in New York or Los Angeles. It wasn't an option for me. So if you're in a smaller market in America and you want to take the next step up, you move. I am so bum-rushing

every question I have for you because you only have a limited amount of time vancouver canada comedy scene is so much more controlled by the powers that be not networks but the actual club owners and the courts where that kid in vancouver no one came to his defense because he wasn't funny, but he made a landmark lawsuit where some lesbian couple was heckling him and he called them dykes and they sued him for like $25,000, I think. Yeah, that was after my time. I wasn't there at the time, but I, of course, heard all about it. But again, we were talking off mic about comedy teachers

and you're like, that's the guy teaching a comedy class? Same with these things, with these court trials in Canada. The comedians who are getting persecuted, if you will, you're like, that guy? He's been doing stand-up for two weeks. Of course the audience hates his guts. He's horrible. The same as comedy teachers. That guy's teaching a comedy class.

He sucks shit. So apparently that's sort of what happened in Vancouver, and it puts a comedian in a weird position because you want to defend the comedian, yet at the same time it's a guy who's been doing stand-up for two weeks who isn't really a comedian. I'll bring it local. There was a guy locally that's just a rummy in town where they have haunted ghost, Bisbee ghost tours, and it's a scam. Every small town that has nothing else to really it's a franchise yeah yeah well we'll just say it's haunted and that'll bring people well this old rummy was tired of it

came out of the bisbee grand during a ghost tour and mooned them well there was children in the group and they were going to charge him as a sexual predator a sex offender, because they saw his asshole and hopefully part of his turkey neck, the best part of the moon, and no one rushed to his defense in a very liberal town because he's a drunken asshole. Like, you still got to defend your point of view, but still. Somebody told me, is this true that if the cops bust you for taking a leak, like in a back alley, and they arrest you, that you'll be on a sex offenders list? That is totally true because that happened to me almost.

Is that your excuse? The cop let us off. We were peeing. We went up onto this like ridge like looking for a party in Orange County. And then a cop pulled up and like six of us were all peeing on a fence. And there were girls in cars near us and they – he laid it out. He goes, this – you would be actually charged as a sexual predator. This would – you would have to be registered.

It's like what the fuck? So insane. Yeah. And nobody comes to the defense of course of a sex predator but the definition is so broad that – I have the same thing as a guy. Well, fucking a corpse. I don't know. It's fucking weird. But when you come back to comedy, still to the so far, no one's been prosecuted for a joke on stage.

Unlike Canada, unlike the UK, where we saw people getting arrested for mean tweets. we saw people getting arrested for mean tweets. Well, I have a section in my book from the 1940s and 50s that talks about guys that were arrested for their act prior to Lenny Bruce. Lenny Bruce was, of course, persecuted, mostly because he was talking about religion, and they used language as the species to throw him in jail. Television, too. TV was so squeaky clean that certain words would have you banned for life.

So there was all that censorship. But in the 40s, there were guys that would use very innocuous material god forbid they said fuck on stage literally they would be arrested for obscenity was usually the charge and be thrown in jail for up to six months and i have examples in my book about all these comedians who served jail time for the subject matter of their act there was a guy in anaheim in like 1959 very obscure named hoppy hopkins that's how he built himself he went on stage and i don't know what the material was because in the news reports at the time they didn't quote if a comedian swore on stage but he did some routine that offended an

audience member an audience member performed a citizen's arrest dragged him off stage they phoned the police and held him the comedian till they until they showed up. The police showed up, handcuffed him, charged him. He went to court and lost an obscenity case because of this citizen's arrest. The judge said that club owners would be wise to demand a transcript in advance of any comedian's

performance. And usually the club owner would get charged, too, for staging an obscene performance. So it doesn't seem to happen now like it does in Canada with those kind of court trials. But once upon a time. It just happened again. Was it Matt Ward?

I think it was. Again, like I'm not in Canada anymore. So I just hear about it, but there are guys that I don't know. I might be saying the wrong name. There was another comedian. Matt Ward used to be the comedian we worked with out of Tennessee.

All right. I got the name wrong, but there was a comic since then that got busted for and lost a case, a civil case. The problem is the cases are debated by people, of course, who have no knowledge of comedy, no knowledge of stand up, just like this judge in the 40s who said I demand a transcript. So you're already kind of in a losing battle because people just don't understand what the fuck it is you're doing. It's different than if you're on the bus and you're berating a guy you know and being just an obnoxious dick you know so but again it's hard to defend some of these guys because the guys i've never heard of to my knowledge aren't like in my pompous way wouldn't call a true stand-up a guy who's been doing

stand-up for a few weeks so it's like yes i am against his persecution but at the same time i don't like seeing him on CNN saying, we comedians. I'm like, wait, this guy's the spokesman for stand-up now? Yeah, it's difficult. But you do have to err on the side of us. Yeah, yeah. I feel the same way. I don't watch this whole fucking political shit.

But where I see even comedians that are saying well he did this well if it was obama that did that in the first hundred days or whatever you it wouldn't be an issue you're trying to find a flaw because you hate the guy and you're right to hate the guy i did this with george bush well he got a dui well if your friend got a DUI, you'd go, well, it doesn't matter. He's still a great dude. So stop pointing out the thing. Just, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, absolutely. Well, he, America is odd that way. I'm sure it's the same in every country, but you choose a side and no matter what wrong thing your side does, you defend it.

And what, no matter what wrong thing that other side does, you attack it. Even if it's the same cause by sports. Yeah. It's just bizarre. It's caused by by sports if the cowboys are your team you'll go you use steroids but you'll ignore your guy that's doing steroids exactly exactly and uh it's human nature to be a piece of shit as an animal uh and if you find you if you rise above

that level then you're alone. So, yeah, which way do you want to go? I've been watching sports since before you got here. Can't beat them. All right. I don't know where you are time-wise. Your book is The Comedians by Cliff. That's Cliff with a K-L-I-P-H.

Did Viceland.com or the overlying Vice Corporation, however it works, make you change your name into a weird spelling of Cliff from Cheers and put on, it's not a fedora, a golfing cap and horn-rimmed glasses? Yes, they did make me put on this cap. No, they didn't make me change my name, but when I was 16, it's not a very good story. When I was 16, I fell in love with this girl, this artsy girl, and she said, Cliff, you should spell your name K-L-I-P-H. And I was like, oh, okay. I thought I was going to lose my virginity if I did that, you know.

And you still think that to this day. Exactly. Exactly. You stepped on my punchline, but, yes, that's exactly where I was going with it. Well, I saw it coming. Maybe I could teach you how to misdirect me. But that's why. And I just used it as a pen name for a long time.

The Vice thing does bother me. I always loved Vice. The guy, the cool-looking guy, Sean. He's cool. He's got a beard, but not a hipster beard. The guy that announces the whole, the main guy, Stephen. No, it's not. Is it Sean what?

He should know. Shane Smith. Shane, thank you. Yeah, that's why the guy from Vice that you're trying to correct. Shane. But everyone else on that show just looks like they're trying to look as sloppy as possible to go, look, we're different. We're 60 minutes, but we're different.

We say fuck here and again. The stories always seem to be the same about some starving kid in fucking Syria trying to jump over a fucking barbed wire fence. Full disclosure, I've never seen that show. I've never watched Vice News. I've watched Viceland on the airplane five times, and it's always a guy smoking weed or eating pizza. Nothing happens in the Viceland show.

Freelancer is what you're saying. I guess. How do you spell freelancer? Is it with a F-R-Y-E? Hey, by the way, sloppy's our thing. That's our fucking M.O. We just don't have video. I remember James Inman, sorry, I'm way off topic,

but in the 90s bitching about grunge music. No, I'm not grunge. This is just way of dress. I'm dressed out of a fucking Salvation Army thrift store. Quit calling me grunge. Anyway, let's go back. is this on audio was my point yes this is now on audiobook on audible is it on audible audible.com no no no it's audible it's not audible.com it's not no there's a branding issue god damn it but that's all right

i wanted to know because we just get off a month-long road trip trying to find shit that's either rock and roll biographies or comedy biographies that are not about something that – Yeah, no. It's on audiobook now. I think you'll like it. It's mostly – the crux of the book is primarily about comedians who worked for the mafia in the 1930s, 40s, 50s, and 60s because nine times out of ten, if you played a nightclub in those days, it was run by the mob. Or a strip club. Yeah, strip clubs as well, but those were also run by the mob.

Absolutely. So I talked to all the old-timers that were still alive, a lot who have since died now, but guys like Professor Irwin Corey, Jack Carter, Shecky Green, all these guys of that era who... Tom Konopka will be jumping back in after you're leaving. That's his whole fascination. Well, I interviewed...

I was fascinated with those guys because they were squeaky clean on stage, wore a tuxedo. They would end their act with a song, I love to entertain, you know, real maudlin. Then you talk to them in real life and you say, Jack Carter, I just saw you do a rerun. I saw a rerun of you on the Carol Burnett show. Vicky Lawrence was a Nazi cunt! Just like line after line like that. You were on an episode of Password with Alan Ludden. Alan Ludden was just Bill Cullen without the limp.

Yeah, everything was... He was this great insult comment. Same thing, Shecky Green. Shecky Green, I asked him about Joey Bishop, who was the comedian

in the Rat Packs. Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., Dean Martin, Joey Bishop. I go, did you know Joey Bishop? What was he like?

Joey Bishop got so fucking far with no fucking talent, it's unbelievable. He's a fucking politician. A fucking politician. I'm just... But you see his act, it's all squeaky clean.

And then he's complaining, these kids today, these comics, they use the F-bombs. It just makes me sick to my fucking stomach. Want to clean up the goddamn language. He's just profane. So it was super, super entertaining.

But I kind of distilled that. Hennigan was with me. We did this show in Mill Valley where they bring up a lot of legends. And Mort Saul was in the audience and I was headlining. I was pretty hammered. I was given the guy from Metallica shit for ruining Napster and whatever.

I was just, I was being me otherwise with all the colorful language and he left during my headlining set and his carrier literally that was taking him to the car. Whoever booked the show was next to them. No, it was the venue guy. Overheard Mort Sahl telling his handler,

I know they have the right to, but... And that was it. I know they have the right to talk like I do, but... And then they get in the car. I didn't hear the end was it. I know they have the right to talk like I do, but, and then they get in the car. I didn't hear the end of it. But Mort Sahl, who's always compared to,

if Mort Sahl had lived, died and Lenny Bruce had lived, Mort Sahl would have been the famous one, and he was bitching about my ass. I tried to interview Mort Sahl for this book. It never quite happened. I phoned him, and he answered on his cell phone, and he was in a restaurant or a bagel shop ordering. And he said, oh, yeah, I could talk to so-and-so.

I'll be happy to help you out. But then he went to hang up his cell phone, but because he's very elderly, he didn't hang it up. I got dumped like this once. Yeah, and so I didn't hang up either. I was like, oh, I can listen to Mort Sahl's day. So I was like, I'll have a poppy seed, please. You see that Neil Patrick Harris on the Tony's last night?

Boy, he's sure something, isn't he? For like 20 minutes, I got to listen to elderly Mort Saul's Day. I don't know if that's ethical. No, it's not at all. It's legal. It's ethical, but it's legal. I wouldn't be charged with a sex offense. Unless you were masturbating to it.

Yeah. Or peeing. Or peeing in public. Near a lady. I guess I have nothing more to add. Go to Audible to get The Comedians by Cliff, K-L-I-P-H. Gets him laid. Nesteroff, Nesteroff. And, yeah, listen to that.

Cool, guys. Thanks for having me. What a read is. Pretty fucking thick. It's a dense book. It's dense. Did you do the read on it for Audible? I did, yeah. Oh, congratulations. Do you do voices like that?

Well, I don't. I asked the engineer. I was like, how do people do an audiobook congratulations do you do voices like that well i i don't i asked the engineer i was like how do people do an audiobook do they do voices because that's going to grow like tired real soon but then how do you differentiate person to person he goes oh usually people just go a little bit higher in the pitch when they quote somebody and then as soon as it got to to jack carter i was like fuck jackie mason he was a piece of shit i couldn't help it i couldn't help it so that one voice it it. So that one voice, it's in parts of the book, but mostly it's just, bravo. Good for you. I think I always just do

the Joe Rogan female voice when it's a female voice on my audio book. They all sound stupid. All right. Hey, listen, we're going to just keep this podcast going. Don't worry about sound breaking down. We don't have that kind of podcast where Chad Chaley's trying to tell me to take a break. Yeah, we're going to take a break.

We're going to take some drinks. But you guys do what you want to do. And this has been fantastic. Thank you for coming out. Thank you guys very much. We'll take a break and we'll be back after a read I have to do fucking fantastic thank you very much

sir theshadydell.com that is where you stay if you come to Bisbee and you're staying at the Shady Dell and I'm in town I will have a beer with you I won't hang out that long. We're not going to be good friends.

I don't want you to fucking tell me you're going to kill yourself. But if you're staying at the shady Dell.com vintage trailer park with all 50s, 60s trailers that we live a mile away from, and we look for reasons to go stay there. Come to the shady Dell.com sponsored by, I might even come in and clean your toilet. I don't know. All right, we going?

I don't remember what you had. I'm rolling. All right, you're rolling. All right, that was a break, but Cliff is still here, and we talked before the show about your newfound sobriety, which when Hennigan told me, by the way, he's newly sober, so you won't be drinking together. And I go, I don't care.

As long as he doesn't care that I'll be drinking. Drinking water? We're drinking together. But no, he told me that 10 months ago. Yeah, well, I was trying to quit drinking because I'd been banned from most of my favorite drinking places in Hollywood. And initially, I didn't take that as any kind of sign. Hang on. Let's start there.

Give me your top three. Musso and Frank's. Bordner's. That's gorgeous. Bordner's, that's not the bookstore. No, no, it's like down the street from Musso and Frank's. When I got kicked out of Musso? That's not the bookstore. No, no. It's like down the street from Musso and Franks. When I got kicked out of Musso and Franks, I had to find a place.

Musso and Franks. Do you know? Konopka knows. Musso and Franks is the maroon leather half circle. It's 1940s straight up. Very old school, but it's also got literary history. So famous literary drunks drank there like f scott fitzgerald william faulkner and then the 80s when bakowski started making money he would

drink there pass out in the booth and they would drag him to their car the waiter and drive him home and push him onto his lawn and until united airlines made it unpopular so i was banned from that place which i was like that stuff yeah and stuff. Yeah, but I thought it was their fault. I was like, how dare you? You don't even read good literature. But eventually I took it as a bit of a sign, and I tried to taper my drinking because I was craving it like crazy. I would wake up in the morning and had to drink. How old are you?

My listeners are all alcoholics, so a lot of them want to know, hey, at what point does it go so bad? How old? I'm 37, and I was 36 when I got off it. But I tried to quit on my own, and I couldn't for more than 24 hours. I'd go 24 hours without a drink and think I was doing great. But, man, just anything to justify, I'd go, well, it's raining. I probably should drink. Wind? Yeah, it's windy. I probably should drink. Wind?

Yeah, it's windy. I should probably drink. It's sunny. Daylight? I love day drinking much more than night drinking. It just makes life more entertaining visually. But eventually, in my book, there's stuff about George Carlin in LSD and certain comedians in LSD talking about what it did for them that was positive and helpful in their lives. In the 1950s – I'm going to back you up a bit because it's going to take them a minute to break down.

Roughly how much were you drinking in a day where you had to drink in the morning? Roughly how many drinks? I guess it's different for every person. It is. That's why the listener – my listeners, I would drink less of that so I'm good or I drink more than that so I'm going to die.

I would drink a bottle of scotch before five o'clock. A fifth. And then I would go somewhere. I either had to go to sleep or just keep drinking. Once anything wore off then obviously I kept drinking.

A fifth is quite a bit. A fifth. And I've just recently... He's talking about a 750 mil, right? You're talking about a bottle. I don't know the metric system. A fifth is quite a bit. A fifth. He's talking about a 750 mil. You're talking about a bottle. I don't know the metric system. A bottle. A full bottle. That's a bottle. I've been drinking my entire

life. I still don't know what size is the bottle that is behind the bar. Tracy. Tracy, what size is that? Is that a 750 mil? Oh, that's not a fifth. So a fifth is much less than that. Don't be a pussy on this fucking podcast.

Hang on, she said it's the same as the fifth is the same. A fifth is not the same as that. A fifth is like the pint, right? No, that's more than a pint. Oh, really? Well, the guy who's saying how much he drank is saying the size of the bottle that's behind any bar. I didn't see him say that. Yeah.

Yeah, about that size. That's it? All right. Yeah. Well, you were drunk, so you wouldn't drink that. But I'm also like a small guy. I'm not built like a drinking drinker. You're like Pete Dominick, size and look.

Yes. Yeah. And whiskey man kind of. Oh, yeah. You remember whiskey man. No. Inside reference. You look so much like who's dead, but that was a bullet through the brain.

Anyway, at your age. Yeah, so anyways, I was drinking that amount. And for this book, I had studied LSD, its effects on people like George Carlin, Richard Pryor, who all had positive things to say about it. And also when I was a teenager, 16, 17, 18, mushrooms, LSD, I always had great experiences. And all through my life, even though I didn't continue to do them, was always like, yeah, they were so important. In the 50s, when LSD was legal, its primary use in psychiatry was to prescribe it to hardened alcoholics who had tried everything to get sober and nothing else worked.

When they did these clinical experiments, it had a 50% and higher success rate. Guys who never could go a day without drinking stopped drinking forever. Those that didn't stop drinking forever stopped for a year or six months. Those that continued drinking drank less. And they credited it with making them happier, with making their lives more manageable. It also offset a lot of the trauma that maybe they were masking by drinking so much. And then, of course, it was made illegal in the late 60s, and all that research was basically not discredited, but they tried to discredit it.

All right. I'm going to write that down. Sorry. I do want to ask you, were these micro doses? Write down LSD research versus Nazis. But were these micro doses or were these like what? Because, I mean, there's no dose. The main dosage. Well, it's fascinating reading the doctor's notes.

Like I ordered all the medical textbooks from the 50s. I'm fascinated by it now. And the basic dosage was 350 micrograms, which is your typical dose for an intense 12-hour trip. That is an intense trip, but it's not too much acid, and it's definitely not a microdose. So that was the primary dosage that they were doling out in the 50s in these clinics. There was a clinic in Saskatchewan, a guy named Dr. Humphrey Osmond, who coined the phrase psychedelic. That's his word. He was an LSD doctor who treated alcoholism.

And then they would do these follow-up studies two, three years later and talk to the people. And many of them were still sober. In Saskatchewan, you can find them, unlike AA, where they're anonymous and there's a billion of them. Here's an interesting thing. Bill Wilson, the co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, heard about this. We call him Bill W. for anonymity reasons. Right, right, right, right. We call him Bill W. for anonymity reasons. Right, right, right, right. Am I signed to Bill? You can look this up.

I'm writing about this for my next book. But you can look this up. He was so impressed by the potential of LSD that before he left AA, he had a falling out with his co-founder in 1962, he was going to turn the 12-step program into a 13-step program. The 13th step was an LSD dose. And a lot of my listeners, before you send the easy tweet, now the 13th step means fucking a newcomer. So anyways, equipped with all that knowledge, that's what I did.

I administered myself by myself, not without a doctor. There is no LSD doctor. A 350-mic microgram dose to see if I could use it. I didn't even really know how that works, but to quit drinking. But you had done LSD before this, recreationally? About 20 years earlier.

But I had not in 20 years. Oh, interesting. And I did it, and it was intense, and a lot of other shit came up that was not related to alcoholism. Hey, where are you i was at home my setting was at home in my house alone in hollywood at 36 by myself yeah yeah by yourself yeah you cleaned the house yes yes key to the young listeners tidy up a lot did you build any chicken coops what Sorry, what's the address?

I'm serious. Ask off the air. No, I'm curious. Where were you living at the time? Near the Magic Castle in Hollywood. Oh, wow. Franklin. So over the course of the trip,

something that I could not have predicted happened, which was not what you want to happen when you're on LSD. There was a huge flood in my house a sink started overflowing and immediately that's a bad trip and also not sure if it's actually happening or not so and you've got to deal with other people if it is yeah it was almost like the cliche are the walls melting there's water everywhere so i texted a friend who would be sympathetic to my situation. A girl who does psychedelics. And I said, listen, this is what's going on. I need to phone a plumber. I can't operate my phone. I

can't find a number. I tried to type an email. Not sure what happened to it. And she said, Cliff, it would be nice if we got a text from you once in a while when you didn't need something from us. And that hit me. You had an intervention while you were on LSD? Sounds like Mishka Shibali.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I was just trying to patch things up. So LSD and psychedelics heighten your emotion. So that cut like a knife. It hurt so bad that I was like, okay, I'll text you on Monday. I'm going through my phone. I need somebody to help.

I texted somebody else. They said the same thing. Completely different person. I suddenly had this epiphany about my own narcissism, phone i need somebody to help i texted somebody else they said the same thing completely different person i suddenly had this epiphany about my own narcissism my own self-centered ego and psychedelics do that they kind of attack the ego and take you out of this so i was able to step out of it and go i've been like using people for my own uh needs and methods so that part of the trip suddenly everything became very made you think, I'm thinking about myself again, and what a narcissist I am.

I should think more about myself. Anyways, I finally did find a friend who came over and helped with the plumbing. Then a plumber came over at 3 in the morning with tools. I'm high on acid in my home. And this guy, this disheveled, smelly plumber, it was bad news. But often in the psychedelic experience. For a second, I always said that about L.A. After I moved here is in L.A.

I didn't know anyone who could do a thing like plumbing. Where in the rest of the world, like here, everyone. But in L.A., if you asked me if I could find a violinist that could yodel, I know three. But if I'm tripping and my plumbing goes out, I'm fucked unless I like yodeling violinists. Anyways. So you go through this. Went through that, came out of it as the sun was going up. That's the period of reflection. And your typical LSD trip, if it's 12 hours, 350 micrograms, around hour eight,

the most intense part is past, and you're starting to have self-reflection, spiritual, whatever. And so that's when I started considering all these things people had said to me and alcoholism. And I go, well, maybe they're all tied together to the ego. When I drink, I'm obnoxious, and that's sort of a selfish thing, you know. And so, anyways, I came out of it feeling great the next day. I went to bed at noon and slept for about five hours.

Then I woke up, and I went to the liquor store, and I felt a craving for booze. And I bought a six-pack of beer, and I was like, ah, shit, it didn't work. So I went home. I had my first beer. It was very enjoyable. I had my first beer, it was very enjoyable. I had my second beer, it wasn't enjoyable. Like, I could drink it, but for whatever reason... We did the top

three bars, what was your beer? We have to always be branding. It was Corona. It was a Corona. Solid choice, by the way. Solid choice. No, it was not. Go ahead.

That was... I know. Solid choice, by the way. Solid choice. No, it was not. You didn't go light beer? That was the local convenience store choice. Like, no, no, okay, I'll take that kind of thing. It was not a liquor store or beer store that I could choose. I'm a Miller Lite guy. I was hoping you were going to go with an IPA I could shit on, but go ahead. No, it was Corona. Interrupting over and over.

So I had that second beer. I didn't enjoy it. And then the third beer I opened and I didn't drink, and go ahead. No, it was Corona. I'm interrupting over and over. So I had that second beer. I didn't enjoy it. And then the third beer I opened and I didn't drink and it stayed open on my counter until I dumped it like a week later. I never had another drink after that. And mostly it was not like my decision, but I had never had another craving. So LSD, the way it works, to the best of people's knowledge,

those who study LSD. Your own individual knowledge? Well, no, from all these... Comedy classes? No, no, no, no. If you read the papers that these doctors and therapists came out with in the 50s, they kind of call it the reset button. So it resets your patterns, your habits to zero.

So I had a pattern, a habit, a craving. It's like addiction. And it reset it. And so I didn't have the cravings anymore. You're talking about one acid trip. Heavy dose. Yeah, yeah. I'm going somewhere with this because

when he told me about that before we started shooting, I thought when I had that debilitating DMT trip with Rogan, I said well, what about DMT trip with Rogan. I said, well, what about DMT? And I thought the only reason I would ever do this again is if I wanted what I'll now call a reset button, where I, you know, it was so far beyond an acid trip where you you know full knowledge of life the only reason i do it again

is if i wanted to quit something if i had liver cancer and i well i'm i'm gonna just drink myself to death but what about bingo maybe i'll do dmt to try to make myself a better person but not for fun not doing doing DMT for fun. But he went ahead and did DMT. Cliff. Yeah, I did DMT because I... Afterwards. Afterwards.

Well, I'd been reading so much about psychedelics, I was just interested in all of them. And when I was a teenager, I had never heard of DMT. When I was in high school, when I was doing mushrooms or LSD, I never heard of DMT. I guess it was around, but... And you never had to prove you were cool to Joe Rogan.

But in Hollywood there's lots of hippie, dippy charlatans around who do all kinds of new agey stuff. And there was this guy that was suggested to me who did DMT trips because I was so curious about them.

But he was kind of a flaky guy. He goes, so you're going to smoke the DMT and then all the trauma, all the stuff that you have bottled up, it's going to come out. And it might be a little bit scary, but you're going to be a new man after the 15 minutes or whatever. Just to keep it current, was he the same guy that plays the Rick Shapiro character

on Crashing on HBO? Is that what he sounds like? That's just for the people who get that joke. Go ahead. Sorry. So you get the shaman. Yeah, so I get the shaman and I take the hit of the DMT and I'm anticipating demons and shadow people and horrifying things and Mandela's.

And I smoked it, and all I just saw, white. Nothing but white. And then after about a minute, it felt very peaceful. I came out of it, and my eyes were open, and I could see the room that I was in. Like, I wasn't hallucinating. And the hippie is standing there, like, holding the pipe, like, staring at me. And I go, I think it's over. He goes, no, man, you're in both worlds now. hallucinating and the hippie is standing there like holding the pipe like staring at me and i go i think it's over i think he goes no man you're in both worlds now i go no i think it's done like

i can see you when we're talking there's no demons or you got bunk dmt bunk and the guys are convincing him it's real so he goes i'll just leave you just sit with it for the next 10 minutes but i think but then i was i brought a friend as well and she did a hit of dmt and she had a those classically horrifying intense dmt experiences she's somebody who had never done any psychedelic or any lsd so my belief is that i had sort of an exorcism from the LSD trip where all this sort of baggage did come up and come out like an exorcism so I was kind of like that's what I said to Cliff when he told me this earlier

I said it's like getting a colonic shortly after you get a colonic oh no a lot of stuff's gonna pass out of you no it already did but the LSD you're shitting no you'll be shitting something soon is going to pass out of you. No, it already did. But the LSD, you're shitting. No, you'll be shitting something soon.

Just stay on the bowl. No, there's nothing coming out of me that's new. But anyways, that was my experience with the LSD. And 10 months. I've been sober for 10 months. I haven't had a craving for a drink. Really?

Even after tonight? It wasn't a little bit. I won't lie. I didn't have a craving, but I was like, oh, it's such a shame that we're meeting today instead of 11 months ago.

Where you would have turned into a dildo, left your crew hanging in the street going, fuck Nashville and Christian comedy. I got a better idea.

Yeah, exactly. You could have been the new... No, you're cutting that. You're cutting that. He's sensitive. He's very sensitive. And we do.

He's still very sensitive. I don't mind. Even for the people in the room. Yeah, he does. They have no idea. I'm not cutting their laughter. They're laughing at your enthusiasm they don't know

how do you know my ex-wife oh stand on mic how do you know my ex-wife the delightful Julie Sebo well I did not know that she was know my ex-wife, the delightful Julie Seba? Well, I did not know that she was even your ex-wife until you said it today. We were standing in Lowell on the street in front of some rusty old car. And you said to me, I used to be married to Julie.

And I nodded like I knew who you were talking about. And I was like, Julie, Julie, in my head. But then I figured it out when we kept talking. But Julie Seba gave me like a beautiful write-up in the LA Weekly a couple years ago that was very like good for press. And then lobbied to get me on like a best of LA, LA Weekly thing, you know. So that's how I know her is just through her generous press. Yeah.

But I didn't know you guys had been married at all. Wait, for doing DMT? I'm queer enough that Pete Dominic. She keeps a secret. been married at all. Wait, for doing DMT? I'm queering off the Pete Dominic. I'm queering off the Pete Dominic and I'm going a whiskey man for sure, but

there's a little bit of less aggressive Greg Fitzsimmons there. It's the hat. It's when you take off the hat. For a helpful hint, Greg Fitzsimmons really came into his own

when he got more violent. Oh, he's always been violent. You just wouldn't see it in him. He doesn't look violent. And there's a bit of... Fuck, I just had it. Go ahead, you keep talking. Not really.

We're trying to make sure people know what Cliff looks like. Goose Kirk. Boom. Goose Kirk. Our second podcast, a friend of ours just took a chance to give up on life and move down to South America, and next thing we know he's in a Brazilian prison.

You look like a lot of folks. I guess that looks like a lot of folks. Same interviewing style. All right. We're going to wrap up. We're going to get you out of here. I don't know. I guess.

Chaley's giving me the wrap-up signal like you're not welcome. Like Chaley has more to say to help this podcast. All right. We'll be back after this with either Cliff telling you to go fuck yourself. He has more stories. All right, gentlemen. Viceland.com. The Comedians by Cliff Nesteroff.

Also available on audio if you're doing a month-long road tour and Duff McKagan ran out too soon. You want to hear some more dark shit about the entertainment industry like ours. Vicky Lawrence was a Nazi cunt. That's your out. Thank you guys for hanging an extra. Thank you, guys.

I remember nobody's name. Nesterov. And that's the only one we're plugging anyway. And there it is. Oh, Rachel. You said Rachel. And I thought of it when you said, oh, Rachel. And I go, fuck, not her.

And I go, oh, no, there's another Rachel in my head. And I'm like, oh, oh, wait, you. Fine, you're fine. And the crew, I don't remember your names. Can you just bring us into this? I am. I'm slowly bringing you into this. And they can cut it out however they want.

For the listening audience, yeah, the crew is leaving. They're going to get three minutes of us doing the podcast without Cliff Nesteroff. And then we're going to now cut to Tom talking. Tom Konopka. See, now you're laughing. There's a segue. Sorry. Tom Konopka.

Contain yourself. As Cliff Nesteroff leaves behind the book, that's why I asked him, is that on Audible? Because we have another road trip coming up. I'm saving it for Audible. But Tom Konopka is here, and he's going to read it with his one good eye. Oh, speaking of one good eye. Where are you?

There you are, Doc. Three of us on the upcoming podcast, Tom Konopka, Brian Hennigan, and myself that all have one bad right eye now. We all are men of a certain age that have one fucked up eye, evidently. But everything else is working good. The Canadians. Thank you, Chad. Konopka starts looking through the book and looking through the pictures. The comedians.

Thank you, Chad. Knopka starts looking through the book and looking through the pictures, and you were a dealer in the 70s and 80s in both Atlantic City and Vegas. He worked at the casinos is what you mean. So he would see all of these old school comics that Cliff wrote about. Yeah. I mean, he's talking about, first of all, the book, The Comedians, Cliff Nesteroff. The very top on the back the praise is mel brooks right out of it cliff nesteroff and this book are devoted to what i truly love the art of comedy

we were just talking about some of these old school comics in atlantic city i was i spoke about it on one of doug's podcasts walking up to a table a dead table was fucking maury amsterdam henny youngman and rodney fucking dangerfield all saying i thought of it first exactly you stole my joke no it was a dead game and maury and fucking uh uh henny youngman just walked up and they bought in for i don't know a thousand apiece and they were losing their ass and rodney walked up and suddenly he just it was a dead game he said hey are you guys doing? They were friends. They were all, and they were appearing at Harris. This was like 1980.

And they said, we're losing our ass. And Rodney said, I'll change that. And there was a pit boss from Vegas at Harris. And Rodney just looked at him. He says, can I do this? And he said, yeah. And I'm, I'm calling the game. I'm a dice dealer. He said, give me the stick. And Rodney got on the stick. And suddenly, whatever was being rolled, he was calling, winner five, winner six, winner seven. There was nobody else on the table. Suddenly, they went from losing two grand, a thousand, a thousand. They were up about four grand within about 15 minutes.

And, you know, this is not allowed. But in those days, you know, know these old timers it's a mob it's a mobster in vegas and that's addressed you're allowed yeah you're allowed to do these things wait no matter what they rolled rodney who had the stick said winner five yeah winner six yeah and i'm just backed up and i'm watching this and i'm watching fucking maury amsterdam which was before my time but i saw him from the early days of comedy. These are all legends. And boom, winter six, winter five.

And we're just like, is this fucking legal? And as they were ready to leave with all these chips, they were ready to split. They pushed it all and said, this is for the dealers. Keep it. What a fucking class move that was. How fucking, that is some shit. You'll never see that anywhere. You were pointing out pictures of the old El Rancho in the middle of the book.

Yeah, well. The Comedians by Cliff Nesteroff. Yeah, I mean, it's the shit. Look at the cover of this. Califf. Yeah, Califf. Califf. Califf, exactly.

I mean, but it's just, look at it. It's like Sergeant Peppers. It's a nice homage. Prince of Comedy Rights. There you go. Absolutely. I mean, but it's just, look at it. It's like Sgt. Pepper's. It's a nice homage. There you go. Absolutely. I saw Freddie Prinze himself in around 1970.

I don't know, early 70s. There was a club in Manhattan called Ye Olde Triple N. And Freddie Prinze, about a year before he was on Chico and the Man. Because he was stand-up. He did stand-up. He did stand-up, and he was a fucking killer stand-up. He was at a place that was called Ye Olde Triple N. And did stand-up. He was a fucking killer stand-up. He was at a place. It was called Ye Olde Triple N, and it was three comics. I just remember I was just hanging

out in Manhattan. I said, who's this guy? I went, and he did the thing, whatever it was, his mother or father. My mother's Puerto Rican. My father's Hungarian. I'm a Hungarian. It was all of his bits. It all came out. That kind of cuts back to what we were talking about earlier when you weren't even in the room.

Learned it in class. But I guess that would be the same rules apply where they say if Mort Saul had died and Lenny Bruce had lived, Mort would be the famous one. Well, if Jimmy Walker had

died, and Freddie Prince had lived, still no one would know either one but Freddie Prince Jr. would still be an annoyance didn't he do something it was a hard time do you have a catchphrase or something

I remember Chico and the man but I don't remember any Freddie Prince Jr. yeah yeah hoist it that was it I'm not a historian of comedy I mean I remember the people I listened to I remember my mom Bonnie oh thanks

her name was Bonnie you got a Bonnie you never know he's been on the road for a long time holy fuck that was the greatest chime in in the world. Remember your mom's name? Yeah, Bonnie. My dad listened to the albums because my mom played them.

Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby. Oh, those are that and Andy Griffith are the three that my dad turned me on to. Andy Griffith, wow. Your parents are older. We don't even know what your dad's name is, Chaley. Kanopka hasn't told me yet. Hey, ho, hey. But I'm not a historian.

Mr. Chaley! Like Jim Norton, guys like that that know every word of Richard Pryor, and I'm not that guy. I know the guys that I started with. I remember Dice Clay and a bit of Kinison

that inspired me to actually start but those memories... When you thought about doing comedy, not when you were growing up. I'm not a guy that ever goes back to listen to those guys but it's fun to read about them, their lives. I don't want to hear about their fucking jokes

because comedy has a, as I've said probably a million times, comedy has the shelf life of mayonnaise in Arizona's sun. It's not funny after a while. Once you heard Hedberg, you don't go back to Stephen Wright. Not that it's not funny, but comedy builds upon itself for the most part. There's exemptions to the rule. Woody Allen's first album with the fucking moose and the vodka and all that, that holds up somehow yeah but people

richard pryor you listen to it now and you go so many people have stolen from him i i don't who's the new guy i want to hear the new shit yeah i'll still mostly shit on it because most of comedy stinks wouldn't be wouldn't it be that what you're saying is that comedy is born from experience and not from just listening to someone tell jokes? No, that's not what I'm saying whatsoever, and you're drunk. I'm saying – Drunk and at all. Comedy is like science in that what they used to try to cure polio with before they found the cure for polio is really not as exciting to a scientist.

They finally nailed it. And then you go, all right, he did it better than I can do it. And I'm almost dead. So I'll quit. Yeah. Does that make some sense? That's the point. The fact that everyone stared blankly at me except for Chaley

until he gets it means I got it wrong. But you did it so well. I got misdirected on Drunk-A-Roll at one point. That's halfway between Drunk and Adderall, and I lost track of the story. That was our catchphrase on the last tour. Listen, you know where Larry the Cable Guy has Gitter done? Our catchphrase for this tour is Adderall.

Trust me, I tried to listen to a podcast. Erickson is my fucking favorite person to be on a podcast with, and I listened to him tell the same story three times, and it made me wish I had Adderall. All right, well, we're going to make you tell your story tonight once. I'm going to have to bid adieu to. No, you guys can keep filming, but we're going to get. Fuck, we have three...

Shit, I'm going to have to... Bingo's sleeping on the floor in there. I have my list of thank yous. All right. Shaley. Yeah, go ahead. You're on. Are we on? Because I want to tease.

The same way we heard on the Bert Kreischer podcast where he teases something. I'm just going to tease this break with what. He teases it at the front, though. I know, but we're going to. Listen, this podcast is already all fucked up. It's a blue apron, yeah. Hang on.

It's coming. Just so the crew that's leaving now will listen to the rest of what they left. If you don't know Chad Shank, he has, as the movie is titled, a history of violence. So as we're about to fly back from this tour we're in a delta sky club i get this text message it says actually i'll let you go ahead no no you gotta read it because it's your voice my neighbor's dog killed my son's little dog today so i have a story when i see you again it involves a gun and diplomacy. I'm tequila drunk and I miss you guys.

The fact that I miss these guys is probably the most telling part of that text message. Or the tequila. Maybe we'll break and plug... Number one. Number one, Ron White's tequila. We'll be back after this message. Sponsor number one, do a commercial. What does that mean?

Oh, oh. Let me take this one, Doug. There you go. I wrote it in English. Number one. No, that's right. Exactly. We are.

It's your tequila because it is actually sippable, which is unknown in tequila. I fucking hate tequila. Well, let me do the lead in there. I drank yours. If you hate it, let me. I sipped yours. Let's get a little. I'm not fucking fucked at fucking tequila, baby.

Bird Cloud's endorsement right there. I don't need your endorsement. Vodka, no taste drinking, whatever. But it is. Thank you very much for giving me a chance to plug my tequila. It says, number one, tequila. You can go to tatirstequila.com. We'll send it to your house.

You have to give us money. And then it'll prove to be the best drink of liquor you've ever had in your life of any kind, and I've never lied to you ever. Ron, Tater Salad White, let me try to enunciate what you just said. Go to what?

Taterstequila.com. Taterstequila, like potatoes, but in a redneck taters tequila. Dot com. And if you Google that and you misspell it, you'll figure it out. Yeah. Or you can just go back and ask Professor Stanhope and taters tequila.

Dot com. This tequila. This tequila, if I'm not wrong, I will tell you, this tequila has never lost a competition for a tequila that cost under $300. And it's only $79. Am I right? Pretty fucking close right there, buddy. Yeah. Well, that's the way it was uh eight months ago when i listened to the podcast you did today that's a fucking tasty tequila yeah you'll love it if you what

else i don't know you just said that a little bit backwards the podcast was eight months ago we listened to it today it doesn't matter the tequila's never been in a contest that they didn't win. And it also won. It also got into the top five of all tequilas. Is that right? Yeah, it was voted one of the top five tequilas in the world, and it was the only one under $300. But you're right.

It's about $80. That's the extra in the AO. And the other two are also outstanding. The other two are shitty. The Blanco, which is delicious, is $39.99, and the Reposado is $49.95. And they both won multiple gold winners. And it's the shitty ones he's pouring into Bird Cloud's head. You can also go to oldtowntequila.com.

That's where they sell it on the online. And that's the way to go. And we're going to get a bunch of it sent out to the Funhouse. And by the way, Bird Cloud is begging for this tequila. I'm not pouring it down their throat. How about some more of that goddamn... Look at them. Look at them right there. 100%.

Did backflips in your house with it. Dead friends and family? Funny. Happy. Happy. Happy Joy Joy. Joby is definitely the one I invited over to help me with my morose fucking comic relief, even though we couldn't make any horrible jokes.

I think we're going, so I think this story's already started. my morose fucking comic relief, even though we couldn't make any horrible jokes. I think we're going, so I think this story's already started. I couldn't make any horrible jokes because my son is as sensitive as my wife. Oh, yeah? Listen, dead dogs are fucked up. Listen, yeah. Dead cats for me.

That makes sense. Kenny seems like a very sensitive... Kenny's a sweetheart. He's a... Get on Mike. There's a sweetheart. He's a... Get on mic. There's mics available. Joby needs to get on mic for this because there's a fucking part of the story he's involved in.

Does it involve scones? I don't even know what you just said. Neither does the audience. It involves a frozen dog. That's what it involves. Joby, do you have all your bread baked? Yes, I do. No, I don't.

Tracy, you had the option of being Mike, and you declined, so you shush. No, she's on. She's Mike. Don't yell at me like that. Holy cow. Hey, don't yell at Tracy like that. I heard earlier when she declined to be mic'd. I did, but he mic'd me.

You're good. Go on with your show. I had to go over earlier for you guys for your vice thing and let that guy in the gate. And I fucking blew it 100% because I went over there and just opened the gate straight. it 100% because I went over there and just opened the gate straight when what I should have done was told them that we don't allow hipsters

in the compound. There's a couple that weren't hipsters that I go, are you really Vice? Because you're wearing a button-down shirt that seems proper for the news. I didn't know which vehicle to picture because I'm not all that up-to-date on hipsters,

but I just kept picturing hipsters popping out of a car like a clown car. Like, more and more. Like, one just showed up carrying Red Bull and granola bars at one point. We're like, whoa, you weren't even here earlier. A record player. A record player.

They are Canadian hipsters. Two out of, there was five three were local tucson crew which you know anytime tucson wait we have a project we thought we we put our our names on linkedin as film crew we didn't think this would ever manipulate or manifest. The per diem to Bisbee covers more than our fucking fee. Our rent? It covers our rent.

We all live in the same shoe. Actually, they put it in Phoenix, and they still got it in Pertuson. There's no one. All right, so let's get back to where we left you on the cliffhanger. While we are fucked out of our mind. Shit, do we start with that? Because we left people last with some, when I say unmemorable, I mean to us. We did a podcast at Ron White's house. That

turned into this... Hey, wait, hold on. Hannigan is questioning my purse. That is Chad's purse. We have to do... Here's what I have for people who question my purse. We call it a churce. We have a... Oh my god!

We're questioning the masculinity of my purse. I have brass kn churse. Oh my god. We question the masculinity of my purse. I have brass knuckles. Those brass knuckles are amazing. I'm going to steal this bit because if Chris Fairbanks, listen to me Chad. Alright, I'm sorry. Chad just pulled out brass knuckles

from his man purse and threatened me. It's not even a man first it's a woman first listen let's be honest i can i i can consciously not steal the bit but repeat it because if it's not in chris fairbanks act we were listening to chrysler's podcast for the last couple days the bird cast the bird cast because i haven't been caught up and we're doing this communal swap cast on May 20th.

Maybe that's God telling me don't say this. I thought Nicobar was in the front seat. Hey, there's a card in your yard. Chad, listen. Chris Fairbanks, who's a man, a diminutive man. Stature.

He said something about mace, and then he goes, well, I have brass knuckles in case. And if you know Chris Fairbanks, you can't imagine him even. He's like a younger version of me where you can see him beating me, but no one else. But then he said something about Burt's busting his balls, and he says,

yeah, all of my weapons are things that are silhouetted on the TSA sign, like I have a round bomb with a wick, all the things you can't bring on an airline. So when you just pulled out the fucking brass knuckles that started that, back to you.

See how I paused in case we want to cut that out and go, hey, Fairbanks, is that in your act? Because we don't want to keep repeating your act on podcasts. Well, he repeated his act on a podcast, so it's fair game. That's fair game. Fuck it. He's funny. We're doing it live! Sorry. Are we done with that? We're fucked.

We have done the two days of Atlanta. We get on the plane finally. Right before we get on the plane, we get the text that we just teased. Hey, next time I see you,

my neighbor's dog killed my son's little dog and I had to handle it with a gun and diplomacy. And then I did respond going, oh, stand down, we'll be home soon. And you go, oh, for the record, I was only going to kill his dog. But Joby's on his way over, and I'm tequila drunk.

I got tequila drunk before Joby even headed over. But Joby came over and helped the situation immensely. With a lot of tequila. Joby is the perfect person to talk you down well and then the the fucked up thing was it was well i guess i should tell the story you need to tell the story the whole thing yeah my son my son is uh he's 25 years old he's uh but he's sensitive like jenny you guys know jenny so both your sons and your podcast listeners don't but you guys know we'll understand he's a male equivalent of jenny he's very sensitive about

things and this was his fucking dog well a few months ago he had to put his other dog down so the only reason why this little dog she was a six pound malty poo maltese poodle Six-pound Maltipoo. Maltese Poodle. Her name was... No, say Maltipoo again. Maltipoo. You want me to say it sexier? For the homoerotic crowd that you're going to do audiobooks for. Maltipoo. And then I pulled out of him, and he left a Maltipoo on my bed.

You ever seen a Tribble, like Star Trek? That's what it looks like. Her name was Puff Puff. Right. Which seems kind of gay for like a young dude who's not gay to have a fucking... But he's also a stoner.

So it makes sense that her name was Puff Puff. Like actually afterwards... Does he have a gal that co-owns this? No, it's my wife's grand dog what do you call it like yeah it's it's a descendant of my wife did he name it kept my wife my you mean it's not named god damn we're getting off target i know i'm trying to the fucking story it's not named god italtese. I'm just making sure.

I don't want to say maybe your son's gay and you're just not wanting to recognize it. Listen, one of my sons might be gay and I'm aware of it, so I would know if this one was gay. He's not. All right. He's sensitive about... He just called out the other one.

Listen, by telling this story on the podcast, I'm counting on the fact that neither of my sons listen to the podcast, because I asked him if he wanted me to tell him what happened, and he said no. He's very sensitive about things, and this was his little dog.

He had to put his other little dog down a couple months ago, and the only reason why this dog was at my house was because she was fucking lonely at his house because she didn't have her little dog friend it's a whole sad fucking dog story make it go

embellish make it sadder I want my fucking listeners to cry every now and then well I don't know how to make it do the wake up in the morning oh yeah here's the thing every now and then. Well, I don't know how to make it. Do the wake up in the morning. Oh, yeah, yeah. I can do that. Here's the thing. The whole situation is once again fucked up

because I have to live with people who are sensitive emotions, have sensitive emotions, and I have zero. So I have to try to imagine what they're feeling and then mimic their feelings. Pretend.

I have to pretend. Here's a story. Fuck it. Here's a story. I was in the front yard. The little dog came outside with me. All the other dogs came outside with me in the front yard. The little dog can get out underneath my front fence though um

the rest of the dogs are fine i was out fucking around uh in the yard the little dog ran out underneath the fence because she she wanted she acted more of a guard dog than any of the other dogs so there was a big dog loose in the in the neighborhood from the neighbor's yard. She ran outside and tried to confront it, and that dog scooped it up immediately. So right away I hear, It's a terrible sound. Fuck, man. It's fucked. I turn around and it's fucked.

This dog weighs six pounds, and this is like a black lab mean dog that's picked her up. And I'm screaming like a motherfucker, you know, let it go. I'm not armed. I don't have anything on me. I don't have any way of defending this little dog other than just screaming. And the fucking dog looks at me. It's like probably ten feet away from me. Looks at me with this little white dog in his

mouth and just shakes that motherfucker and takes off with it in its mouth right so i'm so now i'm out the gate and i'm chasing it screaming at the top of my lungs to fucking cardio right so well that was the one of the fucked up things actually later because I called Jenny. I called Jenny to tell her that this had happened. And then I see while I'm on the phone that my Fitbit is on the fucking thing. And I'm like, you got to be kidding me. I just ran more than I have in the last fucking 10 years and I wasn't wearing my Fitbit. In the last fucking 10 years, and I wasn't wearing my Fitbit?

So, I chased it out through three yards. This dog was playing fucking hide and seek with me. The little dog stopped screaming before it was across my yard. Now it was a recovery mission. I'm just trying to get the dog back. Find the body. I know it's done, but the dog is just running and he's running around trees like a fucking three stooges movie and i'm chasing him around trees and he's fucking hiding yeah benny hill music and yeah i try not to i'm trying to

minimize my fucking sociopathy here because I've been watching Mystery Science Theater 3000. They have the new Mystery Science Theater 3000. That was us in Greensboro. With Patton Oswalt. Jonah, the guy from Nerd Melt. Is that where he's from? Yeah, yeah. He reminds me of J.D. Harmeyer for some reason.

I think he did really good. Oh, yeah, from Stern. But the whole show is really good. But, like, sometimes as a, I don't know, maybe it's just a bunch of people, but I feel like I have, like, a commentary going, because, like, I'm chasing him, screaming, like, dog! And I'm, like, emotionally invested in trying to stop him from killing this dog. But at the same time, there's, like, little robot dudes sitting in front of my story

going, like like holy shit you better hope he kills it because that's a huge vet bill and i'm like shut up motherfucker i'm chasing the dog like and i at one point mary jane my american bull, who's a fucking beast at this point, figures out how to jump my fence and jumps the fence and follows me, which is the only reason why this fucking dog let my son's dog go. He went in a backfield behind the neighbor's yard and was burying it. He was digging. He had a fucking... Well, I'm fat. I can't fucking run anyway so i was pretty

far behind it but i already also i wasn't trying too hard because i knew it was too late but hoping it was well i knew uh but my dog showed up when that dog was burying it and then that dog split i was able to get my dog to fucking stay with me and uh uh pick up the little dog and take her back home and um yeah it was yeah it's fucked i put her in the i i took her home i didn't know what to do because i don't want to tell my son what happened so i take her home and i i yeah i put her in the back of my truck real quick while i run and put my dog in because i'm trying to get... Because on my way back while I'm carrying the dog, all of a sudden, this neighbor dog comes charging at me.

And I realize immediately how vulnerable I am because I'm carrying this little tiny dead dog. And I'm like, holy fuck, man. So I throw it in the back of my truck and run inside and get my pistol and rack around into it. This is where my gun comes into play because I was fucking ready to shoot this dog. Well, that dog came at you. Well, it started in my yard, so I could have technically shot the dog, but he was back in his yard as I was passing by growling at me. So when I went back out, I had to go tell the neighbor that her dog had just killed my dog.

Does this neighbor know you on any level? This neighbor's cool. Now they do. This neighbor's cool as fuck. While I was here getting drunk and podcasting with you guys and the other neighbor dogs attacked my goats, this neighbor came over and helped Jenny deal with the goats. This is where the diplomacy good neighbor good neighbor but i showed up with a round racked in my 40 cal pistol because i don't

trust his fucking dog anymore because it's definitely a mean motherfucker but i need to tell her your dog is mean as fuck and something needs to happen so I go knock on the door, and then I realize I'm knocking on her door holding a loaded pistol. So I'm like, oh, fuck. I hurried up, threw it in my pocket of my shorts. I thought you were going to say, I gotta kill someone. Which I'm at home

wearing fucking shorts in the middle of the day, so I put a.40 cal pistol in there, and now my pants are falling off. So I'm trying to hold my pants up at the neighbor's house with a gun in falling down. So I'm trying to hold my pants up at the neighbor's house with a gun in my pocket and I'm like... I put a cell phone in my pocket at Safeway

and I forget to wear a belt and the whole time I'm shooing a cart one-handed while I pull the back of my shorts up. But I didn't have... Neighbor was very nice. I didn't have neighbor was very nice I didn't have any intention of shooting the neighbor I did have intention of shooting the dog but I was trying to be diplomatic

I knock on the door and I tell her your dog came into my yard and fucking killed my dog she comes outside tears up and tells me shoot him shoot him multiple times she tells me shoot him i'm hand in my pocket still on a loaded fucking gun and i'm a hair trigger away from fucking just

pulling up and shooting him i what i wanted to do is just pull up shoot it in her yard and then just walk home without saying another fucking word because i was pissed off but i'm trying to be diplomatic she's helped jenny with the goat she's she has the the dog actually belongs to a kid it's not her dog it's you know her son's dog so i'm trying to keep in mind like yours Yeah, but he's actually a kid. Your son should have had a smaller dog. Yeah. Boom. Oh, let her son kill the dog.

Old Yeller. Yeah. Well, and she was like, she kept, and then afterwards, she kept telling me, well, just shoot him. Just shoot him. And then I'm like. It's kind of like, take my wife, please. Yeah, well.

Don't shoot me. You shoot the dog. I was like, I told her, I of like, take my wife, please. Don't shoot me. Shoot the dog. I told her, I was like, I'll take no joy from shooting your dog, but I just wanted you to know that he's a bad dog and something needs to happen. Which is just diplomatic speak. It's hot as fuck outside. I don't want to shoot your dog.

Shoot your own dog. I'm tired of running. I've been fucking running. I've got to go. Yeah, I've been fucking running. I've got to go home and bury a dog. Don't, you know. You had a little help. You had a little help. Which then she told me. Oh, no, it was later.

Later on, she came over to the house, and I was still a fucking dick and racked my slide out of my pistol and fucking jacked my loaded round right out right in front of her to show that I brought over a loaded pistol just to fucking, because, I don't know, I was pissed off still. I wanted to shoot the dog, but I was trying to be a diplomat. The fact that you texted me, I knew you had to reach out to somebody. Yeah, yeah.

And you never reach out to anybody. It was, yeah. But she put it to you. She was the dog. You backed down. Well. As a diplomat. Hang on.

No, no. You phrased it wrong. No, no. He stepped up. No, no, no. I did. Backed down. I said as a diplomat.

What the fuck is her deal coming to you like you do the dirty work? She probably fucking hated that dog. She's probably afraid of that dog forever. She flat out told me, I don't want to bury him. And I'm like, I don't want to fucking bury him either. It's hot outside. I got to bury one dog already. I don't want to shoot him, but you bury him.

Well, which was the first time when she told me to shoot him, the very first thing I just pictured in my head was just't shoot him, but you bury him. Well, which was the first time when she told me to shoot him, the very first thing I just pictured in my head was just fucking shooting him and walking away and not having a conversation, which if I didn't, in a perfect world where I don't have to be neighbors with people, that's what I would have done. Yeah. But as it is, she's got like a, I don't know, a teenage, pre-teenage boy.

Now I'm worried about my dogs because he might have a vendetta. Of course. And teenage boys are the worst fucking demons, and that's why we hire them for the military. Yeah, yeah. I thought about killing the boy along with the dog just to protect my dogs. Line them up. I'm like, let's just fucking fix this.

We don't want any problems in the future. It's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's just how it is. More than once. Diplomat. But I didn't do that. We're waiting to see. Stay tuned for the health of my dogs

in the recent future. Hang on. The second text after you go, I'm tequila drunk, but don't worry, I'm good. Joby's on his way over. So Joby, who is really the perfect equalizer in this job he's no he's like your whole life is fucked but you as far as someone to bring you down off the edge whether it's bingo or chad someone who's about there's no one i'd call first. Well, and the other fucked up thing is

that I couldn't make any of the jokes that I wanted to make. Like I wasn't wearing my Fitbit. All of those things I thought about in real time. So you texted me, and I read the text wrong immediately. And he said, he texted, my neighbor's dog killed my kid killed my no it was

killed my boy's dog i read it wrong as my neighbor killed my boy's dog so i'm like at which place there's no diplomacy yeah no diplomacy in that matter. I'm like, hold, please, hold, please. Let me check. And I run down immediately downstairs, crossed over, and I throw a hungry meal dinner at my mom. I'm like, fuck, I got to go. And I leave. I load up a bunch of fucking tequila. And then I text him back.

I'm like, on my way with a fuck ton of tequila let's do this and i i head back i head over to shanks and like with a barrel of fucking tequila like i i didn't know at that point and then i read it later on neighbors dog killed my boy's dog i thought you read i thought remember, well, you thought the neighbor's dog killed his son. No, it was a neighbor killer. That's a way bigger problem. Yeah. That's a lot more tequila.

That's some Juan... Number one tequila. Number one tequila. Let's do a shot of Ron White's tequila. If that happened, it's going to involve somebody smugging tequila in their ass to me in prison because I'm going to fucking kill somebody. I wanted to kill somebody over this, but I didn't. Fair enough.

Well, this is the part that's really fucked up. It really comes over. My son and I start drinking tequila because I have a bottle of tequila and I'm like, let's just drink some tequila. We had to Google how to drink. He was like, remember on Always Sunny in Philadelphia, they have that you drink the, lick the salt and the lime.

And I was like, I don't know how to fucking do it either. We just drink tequila. This is as funny as when Junior Stopka didn't know how to pack clothes for a trip. He doesn't know how to do shots of tequila. We just drink it. I never fucking did a thing. A ritual. It's a kind of ritual.

Yeah. So we started doing that with tequila. So we were already tequila buzzed before we invited Joby. You were pretty buzzed. But Joby came over wearing more tequila and we were already tequila buzzed before we invited joey pretty buzzed and but joey came over bearing more tequila and uh i've got margarita stuff well i've got uh roger klein's mexican moonshine which is a really good tequila and then uh don julio and then i've got a bottle of coralejo which is great and so i've got some limeade and some oranges and limes, and I make a bunch of margaritas with the Coralejo. Because you do not mix Don Julio or Roger Klein's Mexican Moonshine.

You drink that shit straight. Well, technically, he started to make some margaritas, at which point I had my back turned. I had my back turned and wasn't realizing what he was doing until jenny was like do you do you want to tell jobey where the ice is and i turn around and jobey is in my chest freezer where usually usually when jobey comes doesn't come over often but he comes over yeah chick fights and jenny will get a garbage these are on tv by the way they are not actual chicks fighting in his yard as you might imagine jenny will get a garbage bag full of ice from schlotzky's and that's the ice we use whenever we're in their locker freezer

it's a longer story let's not no no no it's it is it is the story. Because I go for ice to make the margaritas, and I go to the locker freezer, and there's a garbage bag. And I grab it, and I roll it over. I'm like, this doesn't feel like ice. And I open it up, and I see a blanket. Oh, no. I didn't see it going this way i shut it immediately and at the same time i see the blanket i shut it down and then chad i hear from the back he's like ice is over here man

yeah i already knew it and and he's trying to keep it cool, I'm trying to keep it cool, and I just like, I wrap it all down, and I shut the chest, and I walk over, like nothing happened. It's like, okay, well that's a dead dog in the freezer. I don't want to play into any Asian stereotypes, but my wife does have a dead dog in the freezer right now. She is Asian. My wife does have a dead dog in the freezer right now. She is Asian. I wanted to laugh so fucking hard.

Oh, my God, we're dying. Neither one of us could laugh. Both of us. Well, we're dealing with sensitive people. I can't. Yeah. That's why I invited Joby over was because I knew that he could silently at least be as irreverent as I was

while we're being polite. Keep a little bit of decorum. But yeah, when I flipped it over, I'm like, this doesn't feel like ice. This feels like a little party. Those margaritas would have sucked.

Oh, my God. We did talk about this. What a great tribute. We did talk about this on a podcast where I forget that Chad can hear our podcasts, should he choose to. I would love to do a tour of just live podcasts, but I go, ah, Chad, he gets weirded out with people. And then you, days later... I don't usually listen, but I like to fucking keep up with you guys.

You go, yeah, I'll fucking do that. I just want to get the fuck out of my hometown. And that's where Brett Erickson responded with, yeah, that's like a week one out of three weeks response. Yeah. Yeah, he's good for the first week as we were. Did you see what I responded with? More like week zero from the comfort of home.

I get it. It sounds like a good idea in theory. I get it. Listen, I don't want to hurt anybody. Hannigan will be up next, and he'll tell us. Well, next on the next podcast anyway. I already looked at you not even listening. No, I was listening, but I didn't have anything.

Yeah, no, but I was your story. We'll save that because we're probably at fucking two hours right now. Worth waiting for. We'll say goodnight, then we'll go back. Wait, do you have more? No, I don't know. I didn't even have that much. Doc's not deader, is he?

I'm surprised at what I had. See? So, yeah, we would love to try to actually put together just a three-week tour of, we'll talk to Hennigan when he's relevant about what markets. We talked about this on the road. Like, stand-up-wise, we know what markets we do good in. Podcast-wise, Bisbee, people listen to podcasts, and they watch TV through their laptops or their cell phones

because it's not a huge market for stand-up. So to go to Austin with a live podcast, probably not. Maybe go towards San Angelo. I don't fucking know where the podcast listeners are listening from. Where do we do this? But we'll do it in small markets that we never do. Kind of like working out this new set.

Anyway. Oh, places that have low expectations. I like that. Exactly, yeah. Beautiful. I'm a fan of that. Absolutely. Wait, we're going back to Montana?

Hey! No, lower. We did. Altus, Oklahoma. Ooh. Alabama. Alabama. Yeah, but Alabama, we never play.

Let's do Idaho. You lived in Cloud. Yeah, no, we play there. We actually have a following. No, Cloud, where you lived for a while. No, no, no. Fucking shithole bar. They don't listen to me.

That'd be awesome. That's where we went when I went with you guys last time. That'd be awesome. What's the one in, where's the fucking... God hates fags. It's not Wichita. Kansas. What's Kansas? Arkansas?

Arkansas is not the capital of Kansas, you fucking Armenian. It's not Lawrence. I know that. I thought you said you were looking for another state. I'm thinking of Sebastian. Sebastian Bach. Anyway, the point is, yeah, let's –

We'll do a quick maybe even two weeks and just go out and do live podcasts in, you know, 100 seaters, nothing more. Because we tried that early on. We tried to do a live podcast. No, we did it. After a show in Austin. Oh, yeah, we did it after a show in aust oh yeah we did it it was in austin with 600 standing people that are the week after fuck it the smell of urine

permeated everything before your show and it was all like a week it was a week after uh south by southwest and we were we'd set a fucking... Everything smelled like urine. No, everything's a fucking festival in Austin. But it wasn't the crowd or it wasn't you. It was who we had on the podcast. Oh, no, it was the crowd too. We had the drunkest comics. Andy and I don't even know who else.

Everyone was... All the comics were shit-faced. We're trying to do it after a two-hour standing show at Red 7, so everyone that had sat through two hours was welcome to keep standing shit-faced while all of our comic guests, and we were new at podcasting. We couldn't control this.

We tried it. We didn't air it. I've listened to it once. And to be honest, it might be listenable now that I can work it. But I remember the best thing was at the end where you had a suicide girl. And you said,

this is the only chick who's in porn that can make sex uninteresting. I guess I was being honest. It was brutal. Might be good for the podcast, but not for our relationship. So what you're saying is at the end of the night, I can expect a fight, if nothing else. Oh, I wish.

You will be whisked off. If you even have a twinkle in your eye of anger, someone will be designateded off. If you even have a twinkle in your eye of anger, someone will be designated to whisk you back to the shitty hotel room. Motel. Let's go honest. Motel. We've learned a little in the last three years. Day in. If your girl

starts acting up. Maybe I get this. All right. That's a podcast. The next one will be Brian Hennigan, who has torturous stories about eye surgery. We have three of us here with bad eyes. Current or previous?

No, we're going to shut this down. Don't get him started on something he doesn't want to finish. He already has a pissy look in his eye is what I was going to say. Which one? I was going to say all your. Yeah. There you go. Certainly do it offline.

All your little sad stories of having bumps under your fucking eyelid. Oh, my God. That must be so sore. How do you cope with that? Wait till you hear what I'm going to have to do to keep eyesight in my eyes. Oh, no.

Try to tell me this on the road. What have you done? LASIK, we're... Fuck off! LASIK! That's the girl guides of fucking international mercenaries. We teased it. Hang on. Hang on.

Have you had anal surgery? Hang on. Shush. For your eye? I think you got tricked. Stop with the trying to close this out. The guy that we have to have on this with Joby is Shawnee. Shawnee is the only one close to Hannigan.

I think Shawnee's minus 2,300 and Hannigan's minus 2,500. That's as opposed to 2020. Okay, so 20 versus 2,300. It ain't good. Neither of them

are good. And Shawnee just got done where he couldn't fucking work for months because of one eye surgery. That's why we just had to wait for fucking eight months to get the deck he did redone. Make me feel good with my fucking eyes.

That explains why they missed all the screws in the yard. Shh. All right. Let's just wrap this up and hang on, hang on, hang on. I gotta do some thank yous. We're gonna close this out alright let's just wrap this up and uh hang on hang on hang on I gotta do some thank yous we're gonna close this out with thank yous

no we're gonna use we're gonna throw that back in start over with no I'm gonna close out with the thank yous fuck hang on Chaley we gotta talk about a couple things before we go that we should have started with.

But I wanted to hear Chad while he was fucking ripe. We can do it later. No, no. Fuck this. We're doing it now. Doing it live. Doing it live. We left with the Ron White, whatever that was.

It'll live with whatever we recorded. But then we had to do another show, the last show. We did two shows in Atlanta. And the first show, Ron White shows up. I immediately went to the front desk when I heard Ron White was going to be at the show. And I said, do you have one of those travel toothbrushes? Because I know I'm not going to be back in the morning. And they did not. And I was right.

I needed it. I hope this is a teaser for the next podcast because I really want to hear this. This is a teaser from because I don't remember the podcast where I needed a toothbrush. Then we had to go back and do another show in Atlanta at a different place. Last night.

Last night of the tour. The last night of the tour. I only know from pictures that I had to follow Brett Erickson, and I went out by laying down on the stage in my suit, waiting for him to close. Rather than wait for him to introduce me, I crawled out on the stage and laid down. And then there was a girl that got thrown out for 45 minutes i didn't notice but i i from old school days of brett erickson i remember once he said hey shut your cum catcher i know there's an issue in the audience but I forgot

by that time and I tried to be nice I don't know I got some hate I got two hate mails Hennigan you can chime in on this if you want because this won't be part of yours it started in Boston and we did that

Doug stand open friend style Morgan Murphy happened to be there just to show up anyway so I forced her to be on the bill and then Junior stopped so I went up I did 20 then I go up in between them do 20

then I come out do 20 someone sent me a fucking email again talking of sensitive souls you're very sensitive about it you get one duff email which verifies everything I think about myself

you're worthless, you had no material you should have just cancelled the show this guy's thing was something along the lines of I'm a huge Doug Stanhope fan and I know what Doug Stanhope comedy is I'm going to prove it right now. And that show in Boston

was a trusher. I brought two friends. I don't think it was that detailed. It was. It started like that then it ended like that after this show. And I don't know that the guy was wrong but that

fucked up show that I did at the end where I'm just trying to stay alive on Adderall and two days of solid drinking. Chaley, I told Chaley, you should just stay home. I'll do an hour and 35 just off notes. Erickson shouldn't be there. Chaley shouldn't be there.

They haven't slept whatsoever. I at least got two hours. I spoke to you on the phone. I don't know that. We did laps in the pool. We were fine. By this time, Erickson, by showtime leaving for the show, Erickson's by showtime leaving for the show,

Erickson's taken a two-hour nap. So now we've gone from Erickson being the drunkest to Chaley being the drunkest to me going, just both of you stay home. Let me take the bullet and I'll just do this fucking show at ye old Smith's Pub or some fucking

place. It wasn't a bad place. It sounded bad in my my head but just let me take the bullet and then i did whatever the girl got thrown out she sent a million fucking tweets and facebook and literally 30 something facebook tweets i got cur. They threw me to the curb. I remember, listen, I was a double, triple blind blackout. I remember every part of you from stage. What happened afterwards?

I know I just told you to shut up. I had sense memory of Brett Erickson. Oh, wait, are you the one he said shut your cum catcher cause I know Erickson his first CD he put out was a CD from Peoria

on a late show Friday known as the white Apollo deaf comedy jam of hecklers and he did a whole CD of just him not doing material, just fuck you and shut your cum catcher. So when he said that, it was a blast from the past.

And when you started talking to me, lady that kept tweeting, I knew it was you. I was some, oh, oh, I remember you're the one I heard him yelling at three minutes ago before I crawled up on all fours and slept waiting for my introduction. And I said, listen, you got to shut up. You can nod yes or no. And I said, listen, you got to shut up. You can nod yes or no, but this is not a conversation, which a lot of people, when they're fucked up or they're just huge, crazy fans,

and this is something I'm going to work on, is when is it okay to mock insane people? My last special, I was an advocate for mentally ill, but at some point, you're going to go, you know what, fuck you, and she was one of those. But evidently... It was almost a case of, like, there are people who won't accept they're mentally ill.

She doesn't even know she... At that point, I'm mentally ill from fucking two and a half days of Ron White. So I just get through the show. I get hate mail. I didn't get it till the next morning, but I saw he sent it within 20 minutes of the end of the show.

That was bullshit. That was worthless and pathetic. I can't believe I wasted $70 on this. I can't believe I wasted $70 on this. And the next day when I could figure out, Hennegan, help me. You called. I wrote back and I said,

listen, I would really hope that you would have said that was a waste of two hours rather than a waste of $70. Why do you have to monetize everything? Life is too short to worry about money. You'll make $70 back, but worry more about how you spend your leisure time i like i i was pumping him up to send proper hate mail that's empowering to him fucking difficult you did you did have a ps unbelievable ps something along the lines of oh did I really do a show last night? And where are my pants?

I seem to be missing 70 bucks. There it is. I think you kind of helped me with some of those tags, Brian, to give you full credit. They're good. Other notes I have, Stevia is an artificial sweetener stop selling me fucking flying j truck stop southeastern shithole fucking i need a fucking snack and a drink no artificial sweeteners and no calories oh if you look at the fine print it has stevia which tastes like fucking toxic waste oh it might be natural however

you figure that out it's not natural stevia is fucking as awful as aspartame that's something i was really mad about i still am it's also sorry go ahead stevia is the the only really big problem with the concluding episode of Breaking Bad. Wow, that was not going where I thought it was going to go. All right, let's get to the thank yous. Fuck Stevia. Stevia probably causes cancer. You know what? Tobacco's going to give me cancer.

It's natural. No, it's not natural if you do it in the wrong way. And Stevia, you're doing it in the wrong way by calling it a sweetener and saying, oh, it's zero calories. It tastes as bad as fucking Sweet and Low. What's the blue packet?

Between Sweet and Low. Splenda. Thank you. That's yellow. And that guy comes from the fucking... What's saccharin? Saccharin. Splenda. That's yellow. Splenda's yellow. What's saccharin? Saccharin. The salt mines of Moria. The mines of Moria.

Let me get to, actually, I remember one. Hank Sauce. Hank Sauce is not even on my list. Camouflage. Hank Sauce is evidently seasonal. So they just found out we plugged them and they said, hey, we just heard, I guess we live under a rock,

but we heard you plugged us and we didn't send you something in return. And I go, don't worry, we bought it. We have Hank's sauce money at this point. I'm not dropping the mic that we can afford 12 bottles of the best fucking Hank sauce is my second favorite

sauce behind Joby's Spice Sauce. Joby's Spice Sauce, yes. Joby's local. You can't get it, so that was just kind of a fuck you. Soon you can. Hank sauce. Available at the Farmer's Market in Bisbee on Saturday mornings.

Joby's bitching about not being able to get work. Maybe we send him to southern New Jersey seasonally to help Hank Sauce make the ultimate. All right, here's the thank yous. George Callis. Yeah, George Callis. Who's local here, dropped something off just after we left. It was a first aid kit with a bunch of mini bottles and lubricants and rubbers

and it was yeah and he lived here and he just said thanks two people Stanhope in Stanhope New Jersey where I want to take my next special I know

you're against it I'm not against it a special. Okay, go ahead. I know you're against it. I'm not against it. A special. Let's say A special, not the next one. Stan Hope House, Home of the Blues in Stan Hope, New Jersey. Rich Voss sent me a T-shirt. I just, I used to have one. And someone else in the same mail bag I got when I got home,

someone sent me a Stan Hope, New Jersey police badge, which I also have one of that someone sent me. So now I have two of both. But thank you, Rich Voss. Rich. I should actually text you and say thanks, because you don't listen to fucking podcasts. You're a comic.

Jim Jam Saunders is the one who sent the patch. Jimmy Jam. We already talked about tequila someone sent me a package a six pack of uk smokes as did brian hennigan's bring me a 10 pack not to one-up you someone sent olive oil these are all people who sent shit without a name. So someone sent us a four-pack of olive oil, extra virgin. Everything. Garlic. It was all infused. Chili, basil. Yeah, four bottles of it.

That was Blue Apron. We can make this like your last. Call me back to that. We can make this like your last release. It's like ISIS and terrorism. Anyone can claim they sent these things. They can just tweet, I sent that. Yeah, that's all right.

No provenance. We're just getting through the thank yous, and we'll go back and we'll plug in the plugs later. Someone who steals from Boeing sends us all this Boeing shit, so we have a dozen Boeing coffee mugs, a dozen Boeing hats. They're beautiful. Everything is tight.

I was going to grab two of the hats. I like them a lot. Yeah. Everyone's taking the Boeing. It's quality. I was hoping it was engine parts they were sending in. That's on route right now. Did we not talk about that?

Because the guy that used to send us engine parts said he finally got fired. I'm the guy that sent you engine parts. He was hoping we were going to build a drone or a fucking North Korean missile. Can we bring flight N371 into this? Yellow bird. Yellow bird habanero sauce. Someone sent that a girl named lina sent stay weird uh bracelets oh someone sent an eyeglass repair kit that i don't know if maybe i ordered that myself

and i'm giving someone credit that's like that's a perfect on the road-road kit. Where's Joby? Joby, get over here to close this out because somebody went way back in time and sent us a pillow where on one side it says lifting and the other side says laying out. Because years ago, before we did a podcast, out. Years ago, before we did a podcast,

we did... We were tweeting, texting, texting, calling, maybe calling on a phone. We were doing a yard sale. Remember when you called each other on a phone? It had to be

texting because we sent a picture. We sent Brendan Walsh... Get with the times, bakery boy. From the Bone Zone podcast, Brendan Walsh, we sent him pictures of us. That's right. Lifting and laying out. This is before Jersey Shore. Oh, way before that.

And I was having a garage sale. And we were lifting. And we took pictures of that. Pretending. Pretending, yeah. Because, you know, obviously we're weak. garage sale and we were lifting and we took pictures pretending yeah pretending yeah because you know obviously we're weak but yeah we're greased up because we're weak as well laying on top of the hood of his fucking what is it the delorean no not either way we're greased up and we're pretending to be lifting and laying out like we would do in the 80s. Someone found

that. Maybe it was Joby himself that sent that. I did not send it to myself. I don't know. We didn't have a podcast back then. Maybe it was your geriatric finger-banging cousin. Whoa, fuck. Geriatric finger-banging cousin. No, he didn't. Oh, wait, wait. Two more things.

Two more beats, because I'm not going to force him in. Hey, remember when this podcast was over? Yeah. Two more beats. As we're leaving. Hang on. As we're leaving, Chaley.

As we're leaving Atlanta. Fucked out of our skull. And we still had a six-hour layover at the Delta Sky Club. We both got recognized at the Sky Club, Chaley and I. I got recognized going in as a guy is coming off the elevator, and he goes, I know you,

and I'm wearing a stupid suit. It's the only reason you'd recognize me from comedy. He goes, I know you, and I'm getting on the elevator as it's starting to close, and he goes, we traveled together. And I'm getting on the elevator as it's starting to close. And he goes, we traveled together. He didn't know me from comedy. You were doing your mileage run, and we flew from Hawaii.

He recognized me because I sat next to him in a stupid suit when I was trying to get fucking diamond status. Coming back from Hawaii, drinking with Roseanne. But then in the six hours that we had to sit in that Sky Club, Jaylee, close it out. Tell them how you got recognized. We realized we had to switch concourses.

So I go, Doug, I'm going to rush to our concourse with the gate change. And he goes, as long as you get to a bar right next to the new gate. And I get in there, but I'm like flushed. I put on my guitar. I put everything down. And I go, can we sit here?

And I see these four people looking at me. And then it's three guys, like roughneck dudes, and one gal. And she goes, I got to ask you. I go, what? But it's not the bartender. It's someone standing next to me. She goes, I got to ask you. Are you Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley?

What the fuck? Laverne and Shirley. Squiggy alum. Look, I know I've been on a two-day bender. Jesus Christ. He told me this. I see it. I thought they were making a joke.

They were not joking. No, the three guys at the end, we walked out of there in 20 minutes, and they were like, that's fucking Squiggy. David Lander is his name. That's fucking Squiggy. They were convinced. Even when I was, and she was backing up the whole thing,

they were like, fuck him. He's fucking lying. I have something to like, I don't want to sign any more autographs or something. Jesus Christ. Go back to Queensryche. That was the reference. You look more like that guy. Alright, hey, coming up on the next

podcast, as we assume. Brian Hennigan. Maybe not. Is Brian Hennigan talking about how they're going to cut his eye out with a chainsaw? Yeah. I brought physical things to show Chaley what I'm talking about. Chaley's an easy puker. I know.

Save it. That's why it's worth getting it past TSA. Hello, ladies. Is that a close? I did pause. What are we closing on? Close like we're leaving. We're leaving right now.

Leave and leave on a song. Hang on. We're going to close on Fame Riot because they were so excited that they go, Oh, my God. They closed on our song last time? That was a few times ago. And they go, hey, can we do your podcast? And I said,

yeah, when are you going to be in Bisbee? And now I think they're reconnoitering their tour to be here soon. So yeah, Fame Riot. Here's Fame Riot. I'm here, standing right next to you Right next to you We could get lost, we could get lost We could get lost, I don't need you We could get lost, we could get lost

We could get lost What you miss? Are you off the line? I just wanna waste your time Get the picture into something new It's nothing I could ever do Go slow, I don't get it close I'm here, standing right next to you Right next to you Right next to you We could get lost, we could get lost We could get lost I did not mean to

We could get lost, we could get lost We could get lost Next to you We could get lost We could get lost We could get lost I didn't need We could get lost

We could get lost We could get lost I didn't need The step on your shoe strings Make it get lower Lower Make it get lower Lower

Make it get lower Lower Make it get lower Oh yeah We could get lost We could get lost We could get lost