The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #209: Morgan Murphy & The Bomb Squad

Episode Date: May 19, 2017

This episode is sponsored byStamps.com – Never go to the Post Office again. Use the promo code STANHOPE and get 4 weeks FREE and a digital scale.Number Juan Tequila - www.TatersTequila.comMorgan Murphy visits the FunHouse and brings along her friend Bill Petty. Doug explains that he is a student of everyone's annoying habits, declares the number one Packet condiment, and admittedly does not know what it takes to make the local paper. Morgan Murphy's new podcast, Los Feliz: The Podcast, will air soon through Feral Audio (@FeralAudio) - https://art19.com/shows/los-felizRecorded May 07, 2017 in Bisbee, AZ at the FunHouse with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Morgan Murphy (@Morgan_Murphy), Bill Petty, & Ggreg Chaille (@GregChaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.Closing song, "Wild Turkey 101", by Birdcloud. Check out Birdcloud on Twitter - @BirdcloudUSA and download their music from iTunes.LINKS:- Stamps.com – Never go to the Post Office again. Use the promo code STANHOPE and get 4 weeks FREE and a digital scale.- Number Juan Tequila - www.TatersTequila.com- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Oh, I'm making sure we're recording. Yeah, but I want to check everyone's mic. Test, test. No, what are you doing? What? Bill needs a mic. Oh. Here, you can sit over here, Morgan.

I don't like Bill's shirt mic. You can let your seat up. Well, I thought you'd have figured this shit out. Yeah, okay. Bill, you really don't want to get up? No. I mean, you can. I want you to be comfortable with it. He likes that. I don't want to get up? I mean, you can. I want you to be comfortable.

I don't want you to fall asleep either. Kids table at Thanksgiving is Bill's seat. He likes that. He likes to be below the sneeze guard. Morgan Murphy. What? And just Bill are here hey Bill

Bill is Yafet Kodo meets Seal without the acne is Seal a burn victim or is it acne no it was a childhood thing I think right yeah

some kind of like Bill would know because he's been compared to Seal enough that he goes That was a childhood thing, I think, right? Yeah, some kind of like... Bill would know because he's been compared to Seal enough that he goes, why can't I get that affliction? Or, you know, hey, maybe I have... You could get Seal pussy if you just burned brands into your face. You could get Seal pussy. Like a waffle iron on each side. Yeah, that'll work.

We could get a waffle iron. I like that women to get men are like getting their tits done and getting like better skin and you're like oh you know what you get pussy with if you just burned your whole fucking face that's what you would brand your face hey bill can you pull that just a little bit closer he does actually we actually it's fine but the closer he gets, the lower he'll talk. You know those people. We've had those guests. Murphy, Bill was just telling you to buy some fucking diesel truck on this.

Bill's a big trucking car guy. I'm always looking for advice on cars and trucks. But you're a brand whore. I'm not a brand whore. You are a brand whore. I'm always looking for advice on cars and trucks. But you're a brand whore. I'm not a brand whore. You are a brand whore. I'm not. You have a Range Rover and you say it a lot. When do I ever say that? If I say,

if I'm going to pick you up, I would say, wait for the Range Rover. It is the most comfortable Range Rover. You showed me pictures of your Range Rover. Yeah, but still. People keep asking. Yeah, but I was debating between a Range Rover and a Honda the most comfortable Range Rover. You showed me pictures of your Range Rover. Same car, though. Yeah, but still. People keep asking. Yeah, but I was debating between a Range Rover and a Honda, which I don't think is that whorish. Until you go with the Range Rover. Yeah, that's what I think.

People keep asking me to send them the picture of your shoes under the stall. What kind of shoes were those? Those were Chanel. Oh. Those were Chanel. all what kind of shoes were those those were uh those were chanel oh those were chanel but you know i like to i like to add a few nice things to my life you know when you're working when you write tv shows that nobody ever makes you need physical objects to remind you that you did anything or accomplished i agree with you completely but here in bisbee yeah I wanted that Lexus station wagon. But I could not bring myself to own a Lexus in Bisbee.

I would be a douchebag. Right. Like, I already think most of the town thinks I'm a douchebag. What? I wouldn't bring my car to Bisbee. I don't even think my car would drive into Bisbee. Just, you know. It would stop?

Yeah, it would stop. Like a shopping cart off the property? The wheels would lock if they got into Cochise County? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Artificial intelligence has been improved to the point of your cars can be uppity now. Artificial intelligence is how I think i'm writing my new set just copying myself anyway uh back to you murphy you're gonna have to carry this i'm already in a weird place yeah he always says that so don't worry yeah yeah you're fine i get it

but i can go back to bust did you leave early last night because we busted your balls too much about boxing? No, I was genuinely tired. I was wiped. We came out. When did we get over here, Bill? We got here like at noon. Yeah. Yeah, we started drinking at 1.

It was like nine hours. The fight was on at 9. But I lost $100 to you, and I said, let me go grab that $100. And I came back, and you were gone. Yeah, I did. So I thought, oh, she hates me. And I was really paranoid that you were upset with me. And then I tried calling you, and you're like, fucking Christine Levine.

The voicemail you have called is full. And I hate people like that. You're irresponsible. Christine Levine, you know how many bookings you have not got on my tours because your fucking voicemail was full? You know, I didn't know my voicemail was full, so it's nice that you told me. I'll go and check

some messages. Yeah, I really thought that I offended you. Doug, if you ever offended me, if I ever hated you, don't worry. I would never tell you. I know. You tell me passive-aggressively and act like you're kidding. I do that too.

I was looking for you when we left. I told her I'm going into that house. Oh, you didn't say that to me. I said I'm going to get your money. I didn't know. It was literally two minutes tops and you were gone. Oh, no, they left.

And I thought they were fucking me. I couldn't imagine that you could have left in the amount of time with your gate. I can speed up. It is uphill out of here. I thought you were really pissed at me. I woke up saying that and I called you at like 7 o'clock in the morning, knowing that we went to bed at like 9 o'clock at night or 10 o'clock at night. It was an early night.

It was a nice early night. I had a pleasant time. I said my goodbyes. I thought I sent you a sorry for leaving my – I think it's like I cut and pasted from my notebook, a sorry for leaving early text. I think I sent you the one that said, sorry for leaving your wedding so early. That's what I said to people.

When Bingo was in the coma, everybody in the world where I wanted to know how to use my phone enough that I could just copy and text, copy and paste, XOXO, just one message

because they just kept coming in. I don't know how to use my phone. Where is Chaley? Chaley can do this for me. I'll tell you what. Morgan, you like apps. It's called Text Expander. Yes.

You can program it to use just like three letters, and then you program it to have the same message for those three letters. Oh, I like that. And it would immediately, so you would be like, ha-ha, and then that would be sorry for leaving your wedding too early. Or Doug could do the same thing for every time Bingo gets in a coma.

He could do XOXO, and that would immediately... What would be some of the ones you'd need? Like, I would need sorry I didn't pick up, phone almost dead. That's a good one. What are the excuses that you've come up with that you've sent so many times?

But all you'd have to do is write dead, D-E-A-D, and then it would automatically fill in the text with that. I like that. So text expander. Sorry. Bill just did this like he was smoking an invisible cigarette to himself. I think he wanted my lighter. Oh, we have a lighter.

He wasn't looking at it. He was just doing that. So I gave him a cigarette, and he looked at me like I was weird. I'm like, no, you just did this with an invisible cigarette. I thought I had a cigarette in my hand. I forget. You're high, people. We don't get high.

There's no Doug Bensons around this podcast. Not yet. I want to do that show at the Royale. Doug loves movies. Yeah, that'd be great. I did his podcast, and then I smoked pot out of peer pressure, and because I couldn't smoke cigarettes. You could smoke pot on the podcast, but not cigarettes.

Getting dug with high is the one you did. And then just because I was mourning and panicky cigarette, I have to have a cigarette. So I smoked pot instead, which I knew I shouldn't. And I was so weirded out at the end of that fucking thing. I couldn't even talk to people. Could you drink while you were on that show? It's a video. Yeah,, and I was so weirded out at the end of that fucking thing, I couldn't even talk to people. Could you drink while you were on that show? It's a video.

Yeah, yeah. It's a video podcast. No, I was drinking. Okay. But pot ruins everything. I don't think I've ever seen you smoke pot. Oh, my God. It's fucking terrible.

Oh, I'm sad you can't smoke it, because if you could smoke it and you enjoyed it, you would know why it's good, but some people can't handle it. No, I can't. Mushrooms or acid, hallucinogens, I use rarely enough that every time I do them, it's brand new. And I like hallucinogens. And I'm giddy and I have to tell everyone I'm tripping. I'm tripping my balls off. And I never want to be good at that.

The same way I would have to get good at smoking pot to be able to even socialize. There was one time, a football party, where someone brought over brownies at 9.30 in the morning. I'd just woken up, and I saw someone had come in, dropped off brownies. No, no, it was just a regular football day.

And dropped off a tray of brownies, which, if it was like the night game, I'd be suspect. I'd ask about the brownies. But the fact that I was still sleeping on the couch and someone brought them in, I thought, oh, they must be –

There's also donuts. There's someone made cookies. I mean when we have one of those days, it's mixed amongst all of the regular like bakery fare that shows up on a football day. If I were going to eat a brownie, it would be 9.30 in the morning because I know how long it's going to last. Said the invisible cigarette smoker. Well, I took a bite, and it was fortunately for me a shitty brownie. It was too mucky on the inside. I wonder why.

It tastes like meat. I ate a bite through the other half of the corner away. Bingo wakes up, eats a third of the tray, as she's wont to do. Sugar. And then we find out they're weed brownies. I was sitting in here for football for five hours where I had to, I couldn't even drink because my arm was so rubbery. It was hard to get the beer to my face.

You know the weed is strong when you can't even drink. I don't know if it's strong or I'm not weak. I couldn't talk to people. I had to tell someone in the room, hey, when new people show up, explain that I'm high because I can't talk.

I spent five hours in a chair. I couldn't leave. Bingo slept for 20 hours. Fucked. Oh, I forgot. Hey, Morgan, can you hand Bill this plate of brownies? Thank you, Bill. Invisible brownies.

Slow down, Bill. Slow down, Bill. One at a time. Wait 20 minutes. Sorry for the listening people. I did that for us. Sent him an empty plate. Or is it?

Or is it? Invisible. 99% invisible. We're sponsored by 99% Invisible, a way better podcast than this one's going to be. Roman Mars. That's one of my my favorite that's a good one yesterday oh yeah went to pick up morgan and bill at the airbnb the bungalow uh what the blue moon bungalow blue moon bungalow that's who we're sponsored by. Hey, you want to stay in Bisbee, but not in Old Bisbee?

In boring Warren area Bisbee? That's where you should be anyway. You should be an adult and drink by yourself in a beautiful Blue Moon Bungalow right down the street. It really is a game changer, the whole Airbnb. It really is a game changer, the whole Airbnb. Because usually when we had company in town for Super Bowl, the only hotels were Old Bisbee or San Jose, and even San Jose is closed now.

Copper Queen. Yeah, the Copper Queen. It's like in Tucson, Hotel Congress. We go, oh, this is quaint for a second. There's no TV. Someone walks down the hallway and it's like, like a horror movie creaking. A ship listing to one side. There's no sink in the bathroom.

It's just a pan. Oh, you've been there. A bedpan and a laundry chute for your garbage hey the sink's clogged all right we shouldn't be shitting on local businesses but yeah the copper queen it has a smoking patio hold on a second copper queen just got bought they completely shut down the kitchen it'll be another month until the kitchen is completely renovated. It's this shitty hotel.

Like business people. We're trying to film something and people have to use a fax machine. There's nothing with a business center. They don't want old and quaint. They can't stay at the shady dell when they're trying to fucking

fax fucking do people fax anymore no we just had to fax we had that same problem they have to go to a fucking like a stall to shower like a campsite in some of these places yeah you can't put business

people up there they need so yeah point being Some of these places. Yeah, you can't put business people up there. They need... So, yeah. Point being, Airbnb has shit walking distance for all our drunk friends. And Weedy, right? Kitty Corner. Yeah, there's five Airbnbs in walking distance.

The Lynn House, where I stay occasionally. If you want a little bit of company, the couple who owns it is usually around, but they're very nice to me. They make me baked goods. Invisible. Matthew at Blue Moon Bungalows. Let's not get into the yellow trailer thing again. It's local problems. You see what happened?

Because of the high winds we've had, that whole beautiful orange awning just ripped almost all the way across. Oh, I saw it was down. I didn't know it was wind related. I thought it was some ordinance. They had to come in Ruby Ridge style and take down the fucking awning.

Now you're pushing it. Fifteen people died. Fucking they had to come in Ruby Ridge style and take down the fucking awning. Anyway. Now you're pushing it. So this is what happened. 15 people died. There was a fire. We're calling it Waco 2. I watched on Netflix, Chaley's Netflix, because I still don't have a Netflix account because it's so fucked up too many times. But now I just have Chaley's. But I watched the Oklahomalahoma city and the

ruby ridge back to back to kind of co-mingle and then yesterday after i just got done watching ruby ridge they shut down the one block down on van dyke street the the 100 block or on the 200 block, which means you can still spit a fucking hay seed that distance. I was thinking of the... They chew in baseball, the fucking seeds. Sunflower seeds?

Pumpkin seeds? Fucking dusty baker? Pumpkin seeds? Yeah, pumpkin seeds. Jesus seeds jesus bill clearly or just spit in fucking baseball morgan you play basketball do you spit every three or four seconds why do baseball players have to spit their nerves yeah yeah nervous energy it's replacing smoking which you used to be able to do in baseball. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Remember that? The good old days? Chewing tobacco. But why just baseball? Because there's more anxiety. There's more waiting. Yeah. Boredom.

It's like thoroughbreds. It's like thoroughbreds. Anxiety. There's no anxiety in baseball. Yeah, they're keyed up, man. Keyed up. Fucking sitting there like cops. They're they should be knitting they should be turning that that nervous energy into something i know it's me i know i mouth things and spitting and steph curry and tongues and all Hey, you're a black guy that doesn't have to lick your lips every fucking second.

Is that a black thing? I have a mouth... It's a nervous tick for most people. Tracy, what's it called? Misophonia. Misophonia.

Mouth sounds. I'm crazy about people who chew. But also the tongue licking. Fucking Kobe Bryant. I do an interview and they just lick their lips every three words.

Is it a physiological black thing where your tongue lick their lips every three words. Is that a physiological black thing where your tongue is too large for your mouth where it has to hang out and get air? I don't understand. Are you a scientist? It happens.

I think it's a chapped lip thing. It's a dehydration thing. It's a big lip thing, I think. They're out there and they're getting more air and you got to keep them moist or whatever. I don't understand it. I don't understand baseball players who have to just spit and... A lot of them chew tobacco, so you got to spit that shit out. It's not.

I fucking want because I have this thing I watch and I'm a student of your annoying fucking habit. So they're not chewing anything. They just spit. No, I bet you anything. I agree. There's still people who chew tobacco or have dip, and it's probably the bandits, so it's cleaner, and it's probably in one area that's not on camera.

No, they do it with seeds. They do it with everything. I know this because it doesn't bother you, so you wouldn't pay attention. No, there's nothing in their lip. I would watch them and go, no, no, there's not. You're just spitting nothing.

You're spitting nothing. Oh, fucking, anyway. Oh, I fucking... Anyway. Not that we had a topic. Oh, you were talking about down the street. Yeah, the cops. Van Dyke. So from 9 o'clock in the morning when I came to pick you guys up

at the Blue Moon Bungalows until, what, 4 o'clock in the afternoon, they had a block of our street cordoned off, evacuated the residents of the block, had a bomb squad called in. It didn't make the paper, still, to this. It's a day later. The Sunday paper. nothing about it.

We had a bank robbery. This is a town of 5,000 people, and our area is probably 1,500 of those. Bank robbery in our small section of Bisbee. it took a week before it made the paper an armed robbery at a bank and this didn't make the paper when you're evacuating people and bringing in a bomb squad into mayberry it doesn't make the paper yet in the paper today the sunday paper the day after it has a column of asking local residents will you be watching the kentucky derby that happened the day before they didn't even get the tense right oh if i yeah thank you because not only not only is it that bad that a fucking bomb squad

and an evacuation of a neighborhood... God damn it, those are not my glasses. I got it, I got it, I got it right here. All right. Not only do they run the day after the Kentucky Derby, will you be watching the Kentucky Derby? And I'm going to read what the local resident, just the first one. I'll keep it down. That's bingo. I'm sure. Take it.

Will you be watching the Kentucky Derby? And Brooklyn from Sierra Vista responds, I am not. I do know what it's about. I think it's very interesting. But I'm... Period. But I'm just not that into sports. Never have been. Grew up with a family that wasn't into sports because they grew up in areas

where it wasn't in their family. As well, so... You didn't even vet the fucking people you just take i don't know because where i'm from sports aren't it also sounds like there weren't any other options like they were like all right you need to you need to uh get at least four answers and then they interviewed four people and they were done. It didn't matter what the four said. Let's get the fuck out of here. Hey, will you be watching last year's Super Bowl?

Well, no, because yes, as I am not football, but I don't have cable. Is it on radio? I like going back into the deep story of like, on radio. I like going back into the deep story of like, I cannot watch because I was blinded by a I was blinded by a gasoline fire when I was fishing. It just got really

dark and deep. When we first moved here, we were going to start a fake online Bisbee News website. That sounds like a lot of work. Exactly.

That's why it didn't happen. We actually got a page done. Father Luke, our buddy back then, he was a web genius guy. He could do all that stuff, and he had nothing else to do, but we had to do the content, and I had jokes to write.

But the Bisbee taint we called it I wonder if we still have the domain but it would be so like even the observer doesn't address like downtown I remember weeklies where they would go out and send a photographer

to all the bars in the city and take pictures. Maybe it was Anchorage, actually. Did they do that? Anchorage? There was a weekly, yeah. And they'd take pictures of a bunch of people in every bar. So everyone that was at the bar that night buys the fucking or grabs the weekly to see if their picture got published. It's a fucking no-brainer. To see what they had done the night before that they didn't remember?

Or to see themselves? Well, you know what? When I retire... And start living a life of leisure? Well, wait for it. Let's take a quick break and plug some shit that you're you're gonna love it

hey remember the expression going postal that just sounds like something bill burr must have said when he's talking about stamps.com see how i paused stamps.com. See how I paused? Stamps.com. We did a special here. We filmed Pop-Up Vodka Presents Doug Stano right here in the funhouse, and it's not been released yet. It's an amalgamation, a conglomeration it's a bunch of old shit old material that never made it to a special it either got cut out or wasn't warranted and we filmed it it hasn't come out yet but i know eventually i'm gonna get shit because i mentioned in that special that stamps.com would be a sponsor that we would never

get and now we got them stamps.com turns out is something we use something chaley uses if you're a stand-up comedian and you have a CD or a DVD or a fucking T-shirt. Yeah. Anything. Yeah. A sticker. You have a fat head of yourself that you sell as an opening act. Well, you get to ship it yourself because you're an opener you don't have a team of

people like chaley uh working for you tracy licking fucking stamps you don't have to lick stamps anymore you don't you don't even have to go to the post office you can actually print the stamps right at home on your own computer. And we did that. Tell me how this works because when I was busting their balls on the upcoming straight-to-video special. Well, about a year ago, I bought a bunch of postcards, like weird postcards online. And we got those, and when anyone bought something online, merch from Stanhope, we would put an addressed postcard,

and we made custom stamps with Bingo's face on them. And we put those in the merch, and then they sent them back with a message to Bingo. And she kept getting these for months. Wow. We still get some. She would get a postcard from someone from where – That was stamps.com? You can print your own stamps at home.

I don't know what you're doing. And you do this. And she's getting a postcard from someone she doesn't know wishing her well, and there's a Bingo face as the stamp. Wow. And that was all with Stamps.com. With her handwriting. I had no idea that that's how you did that.

Wow. Chaley's a guy that, he's the creative guy. I just try to barely come up with jokes for the stage anymore. My days of trying to do fuckity stuff, they're done. Fuckity stuff. I delegate authority to you to do weird shit, but stamps.com, there I go, eating a fucking crow or my shoe again.

Well, the thing is they enable us to actually do this. We wouldn't be able to do this. If we had to go down to wait at the post office, sometimes we have bags and bags, those big Ikea bags. I get those because we have to have those. Those are full sometimes, four of them, to go down there, and we're not going to wait in line with our neighbors. My mother used to do merch for me.

If you read the book, mother used to do my merch, and she would wait. I'd get all these emails. Hey, I ordered the CD a long time ago, and I called mother, and she'd go, fuck him. They used to say on TV, six to eight weeks. Mom, it's not like that anymore. And she was well known at our post office in a small town. You go to your post office. It's not like here.

You go to your post office, and it's like the DMV, and you have to stand in line and everyone's angry yeah we know daniel is our guy and he's told chaley uh the best time to bring the fucking big boxes of shit that you guys order is it whatever two before two o'clock whatever but see you don't even have to do that anymore you can you can print all the postage right from your desk, and you can schedule a pickup right at home, which is something we haven't started doing yet, but I'm going to try and do that once we get through the next tour. I'm going to start having them pick up here at Van Dyke. That is great.

Because it's all ready to go. Everything just goes right into the truck. They scan it all. It's all perfect. go. Everything just goes right into the truck. They scan it all. It's all perfect. And it integrates well with, we use ShipStation, which is a partner with Stamps.com.

It all integrates through the website. Everything comes down as the orders, and everything's shipped directly from one basic website. We've actually done fulfillment for Mishka Shibali, Jeff Tate.

Erickson. Brett Erickson. Morgan Murphy right now. Morgan Murphy right now. Morgan. You can buy all those at DougStanhope.com. Yeah. Yeah, you'll find it.

There's not a lot of fucking, hey, and here's my other projects. Our exclusive postal partner is Stamps.com. And right now, there's a special offer. You get a four-week trial, which includes postage and a digital scale. So there's a little microphone at the top of the website at Stamps.com. You put in Stanhope, and you get a four-week trial for free. Great. And you know what?

When you do that, tweet about it. Facebook about it. Say, hey, you weren't wrong because i don't know that i'm not wrong because uh chaley does all this for me and when i say chaley does all this tracy does all this for chaley tracy tracy and denise we have two employees yeah it goes down yeah it goes i don't know who the bottom rung is. I'm the fucking Donald Trump of this motherfucker. And it's the greatest stamps you'll ever get.

How about that? Impeach me. I don't care. Stamps.com is what my underlings of underlings use to get my new cassette tape. Hey, click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Stanhope. That's stamps.com. Enter Stanhope. Enter Stanhope.

Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again unless you want to meet Daniel, who's a silver-haired fox in Bisbee. All right, we're back. Morgan, you have a podcast that I wish I could do here, but I'd make enemies. Yeah. Explain your podcast. My podcast, which should be out in a couple weeks, is called Los Feliz, the podcast.

And Los Feliz is the name of the town I live in. And it's just a local gossip. It's part of L.A. There's still a billion people that live there. It's a neighborhood. It's a neighborhood in L.A. And Bill lives there, too. And we just talk about the neighborhood

and neighborhood gossip and what business moved where and how you can get free mulch in the park and all that sort of nonsense. It's fun. I like it. It's on Feral Audio, right? Feral Audio.

Yeah, you'll find it through there. Like Will Feral or Feral Cat? Feral Cat. Sorry. Oh, wow. What are you doing? What are you eating? Peanuts?

Are you eating on the mic? He's eating invisible brownies. You're eating real peanuts. But I'm off mic. During your podcast. It's a good play. I get off mic. I'm aware.

That reminds me of when Ellen leaves her show in the middle of like between commercial breaks. She just goes away and somebody else has to take over the Ellen DeGenerera show really no that's what i'm saying why did doug leave his own podcast no i've never why we don't do video they don't know i left they don't they don't know that pete holmes had to come in and do warm-up for me. Keep the crowd going. There's a plug for Crashing. How we doing out there? Are you watching Crashing? I haven't yet, but I did watch a couple, but I haven't watched the whole thing,

which I don't think it counts when you just check in and go, yeah, I like this, I'll watch it, and then I haven't. There's a lot of things on my list of like, I watch a little bit, I mark it down as a thing I know I'd like to eventually watch, and then i don't i was hung over enough this morning where i actually wanted to pitch me and arty and dr drew on a boat for 30 days like a rowboat a A rehab boat. You can't get to your fucking... Yeah, your vice. Yeah.

The only way to quit, the best way to quit is to not be able to get it. So if you're on a fucking boat out at sea, you can't get it. So that's the pitch? I'm going to relapse. Where?

You're in the South Pacific. With salt water? But that would be fucking hilarious. But you know, you'd have to have a crew filming it, and they smoke. Yeah, they've got stuff in their bunk. Yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. You'd have to vet them properly.

And if they didn't do drugs or smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol, then they'd probably suck at their job. Yeah. They have no creativity. First off, I think you need more than just you two and Dr. Drew. So you have different story arcs. You have more than just you and cigarettes

and him. Then you have maybe someone on Vicodin. You need something sexy. You need a lady in there. Who else is addicted to anything? Ron White's a drunk but he's great at it we already got drunk handled

that's Artie Lang Artie's probably everything and denying all of it you guys would kill each other well that's the thing I know that Artie and I would have like he's that New York attitude

of comedy where they're still homophobic and weird they're kind of republican in a way there's a lot of republican nick napolo who i love yeah and i laugh at even when i vehemently disagree with the you know animal testing it's an old bit, so I'm not like stealing his material or burning his new shit. But animal testing, and I'm going to do a disservice. If hooking up a pair of jumper cables to a monkey's brain cures AIDS, I've got two things to say. Red is positive, black is negative. Yeah, no, it's fucking hilarious.

It doesn't matter. But that whole New York crew is very kind of Republican on a lot of levels. And Artie is hugely homophobic. Yeah, us sober on a fucking boat that could be a problem as much as we love each other on a drunken occasion oh when the rubber hits the road who else morgan who else would you put on this boat we need a female we need a female addict i mean i anyone i would name would be people who don't know they're addicted to anything yet do you know what I mean you're a smoker

I would love to get off cigarettes what's the longest you've gone quitting smoking like two weeks and you've been smoking how long not that long like I smoked very casually till I was like almost 30 and now like the last five years I've been where did you start though

from when to 30 uh like 18 college to 30 i'd have a cigarette at a party or whatever but i i would never uh i've never changed you kind of keep up with me smoking which is really dangerous yeah on the road at least yeah well you guys had your room and then smoking yeah we went we actually extinguished an entire bottle of Axe before we could take the car back, which that tells me, yeah, good job. Morgan, I think you do need an intervention. I thought about going to, not to a rehab place,

but to a spa in the desert to get all... I'm a grand deep into hypnotherapy. It's one of the... I also don't do like other drugs. I do smoke pot and that's it. And I don't do anything else. So it's like a very satisfying vice. That's Doug's theory.

You're out in the desert and you're way out of city limits. The buzzers are going to get you before you find a pack of cigarettes. You can't walk out of it. It's like in the book. You just need the time. People that have day jobs don't have the time to go, I'm just going to go

sit on a mountaintop Ruby Ridge and not be able to smoke because they have to work. We don't. I guess we do. I've been at jobs at offices where the access to the smoking area is like it more of my addiction to smoking competes with my laziness and the

smoking area is so far away that i just go you know it's not now it's not worth it yeah it's not worth it to get over there i when i did 30 days in the hole it's two blocks to a pack of cigarettes. Yeah. But I ain't going to walk two blocks. Fuck that. I'm a smoker. I don't have two blocks of wind in my lungs. I tried to ride that bicycle around the block, and I was gasping on a slight incline back up to the house. Did you call Derek or Kenny over to throw it in the trash?

No, no. Tom Konopka already took credit for the bike. Oh, okay. That's me playing. I play basketball in LA, like in a municipal league with a bunch of girls I didn't know before I started. And a lot of them are like in their 20s, early 20s. And I just, I play like, I'm just, I play smokers minutes. Like I can't, I can barely, and I just play like – I play smoker's minutes.

I can barely do it, and I try, and my coach is like, you going to quit smoking? And I'm like, no, I'm not. I'm very open about a bunch of beats. Remind me where you were, but I have to back up because Tom Konopka is the only guy on this podcast that listens to it when Tom Konopka took credit for the bike it was funny because he said

hey and thanks for the bike I go for the record I didn't buy you a bike I bought me a bike that I know I'm not going to use so you can use it I didn't want him to be confused that I bought him a bike.

Yeah. He just misspoke, but it was a very funny moment. So when he listens to this, yes. You didn't sign his verbal contract is basically what it came to. And now it's going to go right back to Morgan Murphy's story, who's now making a drink. But she is a basketball player. How tall are you?

5'11". 5'11". 5'11", and she was going to play 6'1 with her ego. Well, with her kicks on. Yeah, you got a little cushion there. Can I get another one of those fake sugar margaritas? You were going to play basketball against Kenny, which would have been... If there was a way to live podcast that, You were going to play basketball against Kenny, which would have been... Oh, really?

If there was a way to live podcast that, you'd have to mic them up. We could have Periscoped it. Yeah, we could have. But we didn't. We could have done a lot of things. We should be at Cafe Roca for dinner, but I start drinking too early because I can't talk to people. Even your friends who come to visit from another town, just to have some time with... because I can't talk to people socially.

Even your friends who come to visit from another town just to have some time with... But you guys haven't eaten yet, right? We had some chips for lunch and we had a breakfast. We'll eat something at some point. I'll get Bill some dry meat. Bill, you like just meat, right? Bill likes very basic meat.

Bill and I are similar opposites where I just like condiments and he just likes the thing you put on he was eating I I kind of had to force his hand and I wasn't kidding

he said oh I gotta take my vitamins and I've put out because we have candy dishes here on the bar so I made one that's just vitamins I need milk thistle is supposed to be good for your liver I just buy the hype even if it's placebo effect

and I have conjoined shit because I'm starting to get arthritis when you said you were gonna eat vitamins you poured a packet of dust, sawdust, into a small cup. Not a solo cup. Doug, that was his grandmother. Those were her ashes. How dare you?

It was a tribute, a beautiful tribute here in the funhouse. And he goes, oh, I'm going to use a small cup because the less liquid I have to drink the better. It would have been thick mud is what he was going to drink and I was

too hungover to watch him do it and I demanded he use a solo cup with more liquid and it was still thick was still thick i was gagging watching cementy it was like dirt and berries that's what the consistency it felt like i mean it was do you have an eating disorder no i don't i just. Hang on. Let me rephrase the questionee. Does he have an eating disorder, Morgan? No, he's just, he just doesn't, he's just, he's like you.

Like he doesn't need a lot of food. He's very satiated. That's not need. What he plunged down his throat was an act against eating. Like, I want to, as a little bit, I'd rather gag on mud than drink four ounces more than I have to. I just eat until I'm full. It's not like I don't want to eat more. You're against food. I'm full and it's not like I don't want to eat more.

You're against food. Bill will rock like a teriyaki chicken bowl if we get sushi or something. He'll do that. He'll do that business. That's not sushi. You know that, right? Yes, I do know. Okay.

He won't eat sushi. He won't eat sauce on things. I just hate condiments, you know? I mean. How do you hate condiments? I thought there might be an issue between Doug and Will. What do you eat on a potato? Nothing? You eat a potato raw?

If I put a little butter on it, maybe, you know? A baked potato, maybe, you know? I feel like if Doug... Do you enjoy a raw baked potato? Nobody does. What? No one in the world eats... You can't have a raw baked potato.

You only eat it for the condiments. Yeah, I guess if you're like that. I would eat sour cream by itself. But you kind of want something. You were the little kid who drank vinegar

straight out of the bottle. I do that now. Do you? I put vinegar on a lot of things. Rather than salad dressing or on a naked baked potato, I'll do that. You guys were on a baked potato diet. Still, I ate a baked potato like an apple last night. I baked it on the

grill afterwards. I still ate meat, but yeah, it was delicious. Bill and Doug, you guys would be good if you got trapped on a train together or something, because you'd open your bags, and Bill would have a bunch of meat, and you'd have a bunch of condiments, and everyone would be like, oh, it's a feast. If you grab my backpack right now, that side mesh pocket on the side of my backpack is full with just condiments.

Packets of mayonnaise, Cholula, mustard, yellow mustard. For the record, UK, with your fucking grainy, stupid fucking chunky mustard. Well, on the tour, the bag that Doug found before we even left Charlotte, I think, you found by the trash. Someone had thrown away like a swag from Sierra Nevada, and that was our condiment and bar bag the whole time. And I don't know if you knew this, Morgan, but that's where we had the balsamic vinegar. We had hot sauces and just all sorts of condiments.

We travel. Wendy's chili sauce is the most unknown condiment. But if you go to Wendy's, ask for a packet of the chili oil. It's chili sauce, but it's... It's chili oil is what it is. Yeah, spicy oil. It's the only reason I go to Wendy's. Junior Bacon Cheeseburger with the chili

oil. But you also get the baked potato with the loaded chili and cheese on it. Well, I did that a couple times because Erickson was with us and he's a vegetarian, so a couple times we did salad and potato only, just

out of solidarity with Brett Erickson and his... I don't know why you feel you need to do that. No one gives a shit. Well, Erickson probably does. No, he doesn't. He just doesn't want to say anything. Oh, come on. He's grossed out. No, no, he doesn out. He doesn't care. Wendy's doesn't have a veggie burger.

He can do Burger King or wherever they have a veggie burger. He went to Taco Bell that day. The first time. The second time he had a baked potato and a salad like the rest of us. Wow, this is the most fucking boring podcast I've ever done.

Wait, did you want me to record this? Do you want me to record this? I'm not recording. Doesn't matter. We called it an evergreen, and then as soon as I said Kentucky Derby, I would go, oh, we just dated it. No one knows what a fucking Kentucky Derby was. I want to know what happened down the street.

I want to know who was involved. I want to know what happened down the street. I want to know who was involved. I want to know arrest history. I want to know a lot of things. Do you know who lived there? Well, that house that they seem to be targeting was five years ago or so, was in the Bisbee Observer, because they raided it and found bales of marijuana

and illegal shotguns and shit and and ever since then it was like that i can't remember the movie i was trying to relate it to it's not the neighbors but rick dukeman was in it with all these sketchy skeevy white trashy, trashy people. It used to have late teenage sons were lifting weights in front of this house. Bench press. No, that house down the street.

Does anyone know who Rick Dukeman is? She does. Do you know the movie? I know who Rick Dukeman is. It was a movie where it was just this awful house. I can't even... You know what? By the time you're going to tweet me,

you've listened to this. We looked it up, too. We figured it out. So don't even tweet me. But it was just sketchy, ropey-armed, tweaky kids. And then there's some old man that was a fucking registered sex offender or a felon of some sort.

And literally six to eight broken down cars surrounding the place while the tweakery sons are bench pressing in the front yard. That's only like four feet deep before the porch, the burbs, the burbs, thank you. Tom Hanks. I was thinking the Burbs, but I would have gone Tom Hanks as my initial... That would have been the, you know, Tom Hanks.

Rick Dukeman? But it's the wrong one. It's a whole different story. Is Dukeman alive? Should I get him in the death pool? Anyway. So that house got raided busted and then all of a sudden the cars were gone no one's there the place is still desolate and then yesterday that's where the cops were at first then they block off the entire block then they bring in a bomb squad that's what i want to know where was the potential explosion

what was it was it just a scary backpack i don't know hey where are you gonna watch the uh kentucky derby yesterday um because that's what's in the fucking paper i wrote that i wrote that on that local nextdoor.com. It's an app, Nextdoor app. Weedy said, hey, what's going on? Does anyone know what happened? What the fuck was that? It was blocked off. I go, yeah, that's what happens is they cordon off an entire block.

They evacuate the citizens, and then they bring in a bomb unit, and the next day, this year, Vista, Herald, Bisbee Daily Review slash same paper. Yawn. No news here. Has the fucking Kentucky Derby Day bitched about it on the site. How many reporters do they have? Like, how many roaming people can possibly cover a story? You can be one. You just have to submit.

Yeah. All right. I will. Could I? Could I? Could I? Hair lip, hair lip. So I guess we'll find out next week, right? Well, someone wrote back, what happens if Bisbee stays in Bisbee?

And then someone wrote something else. I had a fucking, what I thought, again, I've been day drinking a lot. But I had what was, I thought, a witty retort. Oh, I said, I wouldn't put the Sierra Vista Herald underneath. If I had a parrot, I wouldn't put this newspaper underneath it for it to poop on. And someone said, I have a parrot, and I use that paper for it to poop on uh because it has no choice and i said that's why i'm against gravity and i'm going to bring up a gravity ban at the next city council meeting frig newton frig newton frig newton

i get any of your parrot going uh i uh i read about this yesterday i'm watching at the fun house. We did go down in rubberneck though. At some point we got drunk enough where it's gone on all day and I had a couple of inside tips on what was going on but just

hey, if it gets fun, let us know. Well, we won't have to. You'll know by the explosion. At that point we had to leave playoff hockey to go down and get closer. Yeah. Five or six of us walked down and stood up by the barrier. Well, they seriously had cruisers on both ends of the block. I like that we're not cowards, though. We run to the danger.

Like a hero. A lot of people and then a couple of cops we don't know came up and and we're just shooting the shit with them and they were uh the lady this thank god she didn't answer the phone that night. There was one night we were probably podcasting. And then afterwards she had this Winnebago still for sale. Mini Winnie.

For like $33,000. And it's like a nice Winnebago. Great condition. And I thought we should just go buy that right now. And we called and And I thought we should just go buy that right now. And we called and she didn't answer the phone. Hey, I'm on my way out of the country.

And I left a message. Hey, we want to buy your Winnebago right now. Oh, no, she called me back and said I'm on my way to Hawaii or something. Because we would have bought the Winnebago. I would have written a fucking check right then because we were that drunk. At midnight. I like that she's selling a Winnebago because she just found out

you can fly places. And that's why she was going out of town. The salesman didn't say this was enough. Do you have any idea how fast I could get to Houston from here? I had no clue. You mean I don't have to drive to Hawaii? But it's still for sale. That was like eight months ago or more, and it's still for sale.

But it was within the cordoned off area. So we told the cops, hey, we were just going to actually call this lady selling the Winnebago and say, hey, we want to look at your traveler van there. Is this a bad time? As there's fucking cops and bomb squads. So the cops were cool as shit. They were fun. Well, they were standing in front of the house, so

they must not have been too worried. No, they walked up to us. They saw us. All of a sudden, no one's there all day. No one rubbernecks. That's why you love Bisbee. They're all peeking through the blinds. But they don't actually show up and hang out, but we decided

to. The cops showed up the cops showed up, and we showed up, and they walked from the other end of the block. He called us a crowd. Yes. And he was actually confused, Bill. He goes, no one's been here

all day, and then all of a sudden I turn around and there's a wall of you guys. Garcia, get over there and handle that crowd. This is getting crazy. Hey, is there any way we can contact our contact and find out what really happened? Yeah, yeah. Maybe we take a break.

I'm drunk enough. Oh, yeah, let's take a break. We'll get back on track. We'll close this strong. And now a message for one of our many Serbian listeners who want to move to Casa Grande, Arizona. Florence Boulevard, 520-836-3858.

Ako volite tacos, burritos, enchiladas i stanhops, especial, dolazi tamo. Volit ćeš puno. Zdravo, ljudi. I nemoj zaboraviti. Idi jebi se. And don't forget, go fuck yourself. alright so hey are we back no I thought did we stop oh we did take a break I peed my pants thinking we didn't take a break

I could have gone out to the urinal Bill is a say we're back that just helps me a lot alright I thought you were trying to make this clumsy on purpose to give it a feel, a texture. You still haven't said it.

Hey, we're back after that plug for, what did we not plug? Let's go back and plug that. Do we have a read? Why do you do this? There's no reason for this. If there was a read, you did it, and then you said we're back,

which means you acknowledged the read. Hey, we're back. You want to mark that? Hey, we're back. Marked. Bill Anonymous, Bill? Bill Petty. Bill Petty.

Bill Petty. Maybe that's why. William Sinclair Petty. That's why he's a black guy that likes racing. He doesn't like sports except for racing. Formula One paints his toenails to match his favorite cars. Looks like

Yafet Kodo or Seal. I think we covered that. Hold on a second. We have to acknowledge. Someone just got a hat trick. It's 7 to 1. Now you're dating this evergreen. But Trace is making noise. People will always remember the day that Edmonton Oilers.

I know, it's 7 to 1. Everyone's throwing their hats on the ice. This is fucking great. Sorry, but she's going to be making noise the whole time. I'm trying to talk to Bill about being a Negro. Colored. Thank you very much. Well, we're all colored.

I have rosacea. What do you call me? A drunk. Yeah. This is Bill's first time in Bis bisbee i think he loves it this is what bill pulled off because shawny our own kind of black guy because we don't have a lot to choose from who built this place he's kind of the same. Bill fixes everything at your house, Morgan. And Shawnee fixes everything here.

I saw Shawnee's boots and I was like, oh, Bill would wear those boots. I was like, I think Bill wants this life. I saw Bill walked into Shawnee's workshop and his head exploded and he came at the same time. Pushed me, pulled me. But Shawnee gets all the obligatory, you're the only black guy, all the jokes. Right.

So when Bill shows up, y'all fed Kodo black. Right. And then Shawnee shows up last night for fight night. night for fight night i i saw him come in and i clued up bill and bill was on it and delivered the line perfectly where shawnee walked into the funhouse and bill just stopped him put his hand on his chest and said you're no longer necessary and shawty shawty almost in bingo adorable went come on guys guys so bill was the only people i felt like i could bring here as a as a compliment he's like the most low maintenance friend i have not in a like a way where i can't handle like high maintenance just there's certain people where you can be around you can be around

them and say nothing and do nothing for hours and hours on end and that would have for whatever reason it's like a dog thing like the energy's right we did that today you went to take a nap and we were perfectly comfortable talking yeah and i never thought about it. The same way I never had to think about is this making black jokes. I know he's friends of yours. Any friends of comics, comics and friends

of comics, don't get offended. We're better people than you. Mostly. The best thing was when I went to... You would bring here, you know. Automatically vetted. It's We have the odd. Yeah. The best thing was when I went to – Anyone that you would bring here, you know – Yeah, it's – Automatically vetted. You're going to say it's going to get dark, but then that opens up the T-ball for more black jokes.

The thing I know the most, and it was going to take that nap was like oddly – anybody else I had brought, I would never have gone to take a nap and left them with Doug because I would have been like, oh, they're going to bother Doug. Yeah, yeah. And I was – there wasn't even a thought in my mind that Bill would bother Doug while I went to take a nap. I would bother Bill by not

talking. Silence is mutual. I always said that people say, oh, a true friend is someone you can talk to. No, a true friend is someone you don't have to talk to. You sit in a car

for eight hours between Missoula and fucking Boise and not say a fucking word and no one feels like there's some void to fill. Bill's at my house like probably four or five days a week and I would say

most of the time, it's a few hours. We say three words. He goes, I'm going to go. I go, all right, that was fun. That was really great. Wait, you've been here? I'm going to go. It really is the most comfortable when you don't have to say a word.

We were going to do that. We were joking about doing that. don't have to say a word we were going to do that we were joking about doing that this podcast was let's do reality podcast of the last three hours we spent i love that and there's just dead silence for 45 minutes and then you go you go oh because someone scored a goal i like you go back to and then morgan murphy goes oh look at what my friend tweeted and then you go back to reading it. And then Morgan Murphy goes, oh, look at what my friend tweeted. And then you go back to 40 more minutes of silence. This is backstage pass tour. Yeah.

This is like the reality of the Funhouse. You know what it is? It's inviting other people. It's saying, hey, you know what? You're so close to us. You can be silent with us, too. Yeah. You can join in on it.

We'll call it episode whatever when people like occasionally show up here and we let them in and they're expecting that it's fucking you know all hunter s S. Thompson and crazy gunplay and Shaq is beating someone. Yeah, some craziness. Most of the time it's just silent, slumped over the bar, staring at your computer. You want to get work done?

Come to the Funhouse, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've done fucking entire episodes of the podcast, and Doug, I've asked him, him like what do you want to title this and that and then you've grunted something or you've had some question let me think about it yeah hold on 40 minutes later not right now yeah it's like hey do you have anything but that is really what it is you can you can come up here and you can get work done and you have the visual stimulation of the of the tvs but you see occasionally the people we have let in

and we don't do that anymore. Where they're like let down. Like they think it's crazy and you're just sitting there. Have a beer. It's going to be short. They just sit there waiting for all the action to happen. Or forced conversation. You know what I like about the idea of maybe

ever getting... That should be the title of our podcast. Forced conversation. What I like, the idea about getting a house here, which has always intrigued me since I've been coming here, is that when I'm home, I'm usually the... I host a lot. I have a lot of people over.

Not dissimilar to this, but I was like, I could go to Bisbee and I could never have people over and there would always be a place to go because somebody else has people over. It's Doug. Selfishly. We do have a weird dynamic like that where you're the only one that

you pick up tabs on the road when you're just on the road randomly. No, you don't do that. That's my – I'm the guy. The Lord blessed me this year with some extra income and wants me to give it to other people who need it. I like that, that philosophy. Oh, by the way, I have a house. But you're also a host.

That's your natural state. Yeah. You host. Yeah. I love it. You bought a bunch of fucking meat for a barbecue yesterday that I woke up hungover and didn't want to have. Yeah, we said that when we were drunk. But do you have friends?

I have a lot of people tell me, like, don't always pay for things because people could use you. And I'm like, oh, I was hanging out with people before I paid for everything. Like, before I had the money to pay for everything. I always had the same friends, and maybe I could get pizza once in a while. And now once in a while we get sushi. That's a story I remember hearing about Jimmy Kimmel, is that even him coming up, that he was always, like, that good to friends. He's the most loyal.

I mean, I have, like, personal stories where he just did things for me when I was in my 20s and kind of going crazy and working for him, and he couldn't have taken care of me more. You just go, oh, my God, my dad wouldn't do this. This is incredible. He's amazing. By the way, Morgan, I have a house. I've got to check out the backyard.

It's big enough to put a half court in. I want a half a basketball court. I know, but you didn't tell people that yet. It might be right up your alley. Oh, I love things right up my alley. It's a move-in ready. Hello. Sorry, Bill.

Bill's going to help me. We're going to drive out. He's going to pick out a truck for me. I want to know about Bill, because, Bill, you're a grip. I'm a grip. You're a grip, which everyone wants to know what a grip does. Grip or best boy? Grip.

What's the third one? When you're a kid. Key grip. Key grip. Best boy. Grip. Sometimes dolly grip. But the grips are the guys. I like it best when you're the dolly grip. But the grips are the guys...

I like it best when you're the dolly grip. Oh, my dolly scar. Because of my dolly. Doug loves a nice, tight dolly grip. If you know what I'm not saying. What we do, you know, you have the electricians who bring the light out and turn it on and we put everything around

the light to keep it from going where we don't want it to go. The camera has to go someplace special. We'll put it there like on the front of a train or something, which I've actually done before. Or, you know, if we have to move a set wall while we're shooting, we'll move those walls too.

But it's... So you're a grip. I'm a grip. What's the slang that you call electricians juicers we call them squints squints

I've never heard that yeah yeah because they're always they're always looking up dang that's true Bill and I met at a coffee bean and tea leaf

in our neighborhood like nine years ago that's how in Los Feliz In Los Feliz. In Los Feliz. That's how we became close. I was like, hey, this guy is not the worst. I'll hang out with him.

Want to come over and not talk to me at my house? Come over and not talk. That sounds great. Bill, I got a big box in my car and it's too heavy. Okay. And then he's there in five minutes. I'm standing right behind you. You can hang up the phone. I'm just sitting around

watching racing anyway. I usually just pause it and leave it in pause for like a half hour and go deal with Morgan and come back and pick up right where I left off. I wanted to save like $5,000 redoing my garage because that's how much they said that custom cabinets and shit would be.

So I ordered like industrial shelving from that u-line company like like that they have like factories and stuff i ordered it and it came on like a flatbed and i was like uh-oh i called bill and i was like i ordered some things and it's like a lot of industrial shelving and they probably they probably offloaded with a forklift yeah it, it was crazy. And it all got put together. Well, in LA, it's difficult to find people that know how to do shit other than artistic shit. I bet I said this on a previous podcast where in LA, like here, you can find someone who can do plumbing. They don't want to do it, but they know how.

In LA, no one knows how, but if you ask me, do you know someone who can play a violin and yodel, I know four. I know four people, but no one that can unplug your toilet. Here, they can do all that work. They just care to not do it unless they need beer money before the first of the month. Bill just drinks tequila. He drinks shots of tequila. He sips them.

Number one tequila, Ron White's tequila, number one. Let's do a spot. You're a tequila drinker. Phil, you like that, right? I do like it. It's aged in bourbon oak barrels, so it's delicious. Well, you tried it. Yeah, I did try it.

You don't have to read the box. Tell us what you thought. I thought it was good. Because you're a tequila drinker. It's kind of sweet, you know. But other than that, it was good. I said it's a honey note. I drank it.

Yeah. That's actually, there's the Añejo. There's the clear one. I don't know what that is. And then there's the- A Blanco. A Blanco. And then there's a Reposado.

I just ordered a couple bottles for here because I found out from Ron that you go to tatertequila.com and that redirects you to buy. Because we tried to find it. Can never find it. Yeah, tatertequila.com. Yeah. That's how you get it because we tried to Google it and we couldn't find how to buy it. Yeah, one of them is – And I texted him.

He doesn't answer his texts. I don't think he even... I don't think... He doesn't even own his own phone. I think his phone is handled by his PR people. He just doesn't give a fuck. His pilot comes back and tells him he got a text. Oh, I thought you meant his pilot.

No, no, no. I'm talking about the one that bill worked on i couldn't tell you what it was about we'll bury that all right all right let's just i like the pilot going now we're at 40 000 feet and also ron white says uh here's the website dip fuck numberuck. Number one tequila. You can get it at tatertequila.com, and it is fucking delicious. Doug, let's do a plug for Hank Sauce. Yes. Hank Sauce, which we were promoting, again, every promo here on this podcast, this evergreen, is pro bono. These are just things that we like from From Ron White's number one tequila

to whatever else we promoted. Well, those are probably... But Hank Sauce. Hank Sauce, a gal named Hillary sent us this. Hank Sauce. She came to the Boston show.

She also... Oh, I met her on the internet because she also had, her man had a brain trauma incident like bingos. And she came to the Boston show that you were on. Mm-hmm. And, but she sent us Hank Sauce. Hank Sauce.

And it's the fucking most incredible hot sauce that we were promoting it just because we went through bottles of it. Bill, that's a condiment. What are you talking about right here? Yeah, it sounds like a condiment. If you like Hank, you'll love his sauce. We literally went through like three bottles of it in weeks. Like a bottle of Cholula

will last you a fucking year. We went through this shit, put it on everything. Tom Konopka was eating everything with hang saws. I believe it was Camouflage was the one that we all... Camouflage is the one we like. That's the basic one. They're not all much different

but we plugged them. Didn't know it's like a New Jersey seasonal restaurant that sells this. So they finally got back and emailed, hey, we just found out through someone else that you were plugging our product and we didn't give you any free shit for doing it. shit for doing it. So they sent us a case of Hank's sauce camouflage, the Hank's heat cilantro, the herb infused

honey habanero. I haven't tried that yet because we only have one bottle. I don't fucking want any part of the... And then the mystery one. The mystery batch with fucking knopka heist did the bottle. There were two different ones. They write the name, like handwritten.

One was Shemp, and he took it because of the Three Stooges, and I grabbed the Witch's Brew. But I'm going to try it when we have tacos or something. We'll take it out this weekend. We'll take it out. All right. Yeah. Good sauce.

Yes. So go to just Hank Sauce. Hank, not Hanks. Hank Sauce. Just fucking not Hanks. Hank Sauce. Just fucking Google it. Jesus Christ. You have to spell shit up for people like that. Bill, did you get that?

Do we need to write it down for you? No, you don't need to write that down. That's a great condiment. I'll remember it. You want to have a chug off? No, not really. Oh, that would be funny. Grab two bottles.

We chug the entire bottle. You don't look. You don't look. Cafe Roker. be funny. Grab two bottles, we chug the entire bottle and then we go to Cafe Roker. Grab it blind. You have no idea how many people right now would kill to have a chug off with Doug. A hot sauce chug off. You gonna let it go?

I get so much to talk about. I have done so well on this podcast because there's so much shit in my mind that I go, I can't talk about that on the mic, but I want to talk to you guys. So we're going to go to dinner at Cafe Roca. If you want a five-star meal in Bisbee, there's only one place, Cafe Roca. It's a process.

It's an investment. It takes a lot of time. Then you get one serving of sherbet to cleanse your palate. Just get to the fucking point. The bread and butter filled me up. I'm with you. Just give me the food quickly. Bisbee jumps from two-star to five-star.

There's nothing in between. You get the two-star or you wait to get to Roko when they're open. Their slogan should be, we could be worse and still be the best. I think we could close on Morgan Murphy. Bill Petty. Thank you. Greg Chaley. Thank you.

Morgan Murphy. Thank you. And our lovely bar staff, the gorgeous Tracy Wernit at Egg Lester. Oh, yeah. Let's do the Twitters. Twitters. Twitters.

At what's your Tracy Morgan? I'm Morgan underscore Murphy. I said Tracy Morgan. I'm sorry. I'm not on Twitter. You're on Instagram, though. Bill's on Instagram. I'm on Instagram as Bill Petty.

It's just dick pics. But I did say, Yafet Kota, meet Seal. That's his scarred giant penis. With a Roddy McDowell scarf tied around his neck. He bought that beautiful scarf in Bisbee today.

Oh, that is so Planet of the Apes. Totally. That's, that's, that's... No offense. That scarf was bought from a woman who hand paints them in Bisbee. He bought that today. Oh, and you don't know her name, so there's no plug there.

Do you know her name? Come to Bisbee and ask about hand-painted scarves. The lady by Poco. Yes, she was at the end of Poco. In the alley. Oh, she's in the alley. It's not a hard town to figure out. yes she was at the end of Poco in the alley oh she's in the alley subway alley yeah on the left hand right hand side

it's not a fucking it's not a hard town to figure out you'll find it I know next time I come back I'm probably going to hit her up again you right on would you bang her

I would there you go that's a plug does finger banging count plug from a grip a plug's as good as a grip to a blind man. That doesn't even make sense. Get me off this podcast.

All right, get out of here. Let's play, fuck it, let's play Bird Cloud. The new one. Ready to pick. One, two, three, go. I got a hot body and a cool red car. I play the shit out of my fucking guitar. Belly up to the bar.

I'm badass. Wild Turkey 101, motherfucker. Wild Turkey 101 Motherfucker Wild Turkey 101 Cocksucker Wild Turkey 101 Motherfucker Wild Turkey 101 I can have any cocksucker I want

And you think I fucking care Well I don't Baby I was born to bone I'm fucking building Wild Turkey 101 Motherfucker Wild Turkey 101 Cocksucker

Wild Turkey 101 Motherfucker Wild Turkey 101 And motherfucker Wild Turkey 101 And I'm way fucking smarter than I look And I can ride a fucking tasty hook And I don't even flinch when you fuck And I am timeless, I am nationwide Wild Turkey 101, motherfucker

Wild Turkey 101, cocksucker Wild Turkey 101, motherfucker Wild Turkey 101 I got big titties and a diaper on Big titties and a diaper on. Big titties and a diaper on. I got big titties and a diaper on. Big titties and a diaper on. I got a sexy fucking tootie and a diaper on.

A sexy tootie and a diaper on. I got big titties and a diaper on. I've got big titties and a diaper on. Big titties and a diaper on. And that wild ticket 101 motherfucker. Wild ticket 101. Hard sucker. Wild ticket 101 motherfucker. Wild ticket 101 Motherfucker Wild ticket 101

Ooh, baby Take off all my tits, that is what I like Done Like that?