The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. # 21: Comedian Andy Andrist

Episode Date: February 27, 2014

It's the 1 year anniversary of the Doug Stanhope Podcast and Doug invites his first guest, comedian Andy Andrist back to Bisbee. The boys review post Superbowl incidents, "Monetizing Your Molestation" and brushes with Tinseltown royalty. This is part one of a two-fer.This podcast sponsored by Impractical Jokers which airs Thu. nights 10pm on TRU TV.Recorded Feb 04, 2014 in the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope, Andy Andrist, Junior Stopka and Greg Chaille. Engineered and Produced by Greg Chaille @gregchaille.  Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.Take a moment to signup for the mailinglist at dougstanhope.com . We have lots going on and you want to stay up to date, eBay Yard Sale, and 2014 Live Tour to name a couple.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. It's me, Junior Stopkus, sitting in with Greg Chaley producing. Andy was my first guest. Episode one was where he was explaining how we did the sting operation on his pedophile from his kinder years. So this is his triumphant return to the Doug Stano podcast, episode 21. Andy Andrist. All right. I had hoped I only start to need a drink After the liquor stores are closed I heard you change your name again

But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end La, la, la This is not, this is not, the Super Bowl party is, football is not the Super Bowl party. Football is not an open invite. As far as I know, people have been asked to leave because they're too drunk or whatever,

but nobody's ever been said, I think you're putting too much alcohol in that cup. I'm worried about your safety. You need to take a whole bottle, hide it, and then go do some quiet drinking. People were more angry. If he just started a fight, people were like, oh, he's drunk. But people were plotting his murder afterwards.

Like, that guy, we're going to find him? Facebook? We're calling around? This is day five, the last day of the Super Bowl party. It's a sad Tuesday here in Bisbee with the remnants. Greg Chaley, as always, mostly always, and Andy Andriston Jr. Stopka. And we're forcing ourselves to drink to try to plod through this podcast.

So, yeah, we're trying to be professional. I thought it was just me. You guys too? Yeah. I'm choking this down. I would almost go to, I mean, I don't want to go to an AA meeting, but I could at least have a 10-minute yarn about how I feel about this first drink of the day.

And they'd nod and go, that's right. And then I'd go, but I'm still going to force it down, motherfuckers. I'll see you in a few years. That is kind of sad. You got to take some of the edge off to do a podcast instead of for the shows. Pick me up. It's not an open party.

I know I was drunk last year on Rogan's podcast. I kind of went, yeah, sure, anyone can come. But that's not the case. My big problem is I know too many people that I can't remember. So there's a few people you know you have to keep your eye on some of them to figure out if they're people I forgot or if they're just like crashers it almost seems like you book one special weird guest each year one unknown weird like mental patient well it used to be our own like james inman and that's fine right we've yeah after that whole open invite thing yeah we had a couple of guys we had to check out last year this year one, one of the local comics from Tucson came down.

So at least he was vouched for. But you don't properly vet the people that you bring. And you're responsible if you bring a fuckhead. Right. And then what those other guys did, and that's why, like, if you were Nucky, I thought the whole group should have been brought back. And the guys who left him should have been, you know,

made to watch us break his hand with a bottle or something and then say next time you take your asshole buddy with you and then they take off they've learned a lesson the other guy's got a broken hand so he can't steal bottles for a while the guy was he's just walking up to people and saying you're a dick like my brother is just fucking spent two days barbecuing for this thing he walked off like he did time here too because you had the comics come up and they all did just pass the mic and he's walking from the mic to the back of the room in the fun house looks me and goes fuck you i'm like what there's what yeah you know if chad shank were here that guy would have been fucking brutalized and there's nothing you could have done short of a fucking elephant tranquilizer to stop him.

He's at a place where he looks for that reason. And you like trying to fill your fucking jacket pockets with booze from the open bar. It's already free and you're going to steal it. He was like stashing bottles and trees by the door. So on his way out, he could. So, yeah. He was stashing bottles in trees by the door, so on his way out he could... So, yeah, rather than take the violent way, I just found out from his friend what hotel he was staying at, where his friends were already home.

Called the only cab in town, which I think I woke her up out of bed at 2 o'clock in the morning. Bisbee Cab Company? Yeah, waited until she was out front, paid her, overtipped, because she had to deal with this asshole, and I called him. Yeah, it's actually then that's the system now. Yeah, I just called him to the front. Hey, can I talk to you for a second? And I just put him in a cab and shut the gate. There's two ways of dealing with people at the party now.

You can say, we're calling a cab ride for them, and that's the Genoa way, or we're going to shank them. They're getting shanked. Stan Hope eject. It's nice. It's subtle. It was very smooth. Just didn't even have time to rebut.

Just opened the cab doors. You could with the extra properties or whatever. You could have like they do in some of the baseball or football stadiums is where it's just like a day jail where people just screw up enough that you have to go down and get locked up in a cage. Down in the crawl space. But just like the open bar and stealing booze,

he was doing the same shit with smoking on stage. I'm like, you don't see 17 ashtrays around here? What was he doing? While he's doing his set, he's just flicking ashes on the floor and yeah you wonder i mean yelp how it should be and this should be that guy has a half a star like that guy should be booted like amy's baking company on the fucking kitchen nightmares that guy stunk it's it's amazing like you know because i'm gonna i can be in an asshole or uh not get that people are annoyed with me or whatever but i can't imagine walking around with that guy's level of

i don't fucking get how life works that you wouldn't just have a swollen face every day that you can't do the beat downs right yeah he did give a an apology to uh yeah written apology to the guy that brought him who read it to me over the phone. Yeah. If you're that big of a fuck up, you should just hire somebody for damage control. Just take that out of your whatever you can afford and have damage control hype man. Yeah. Just follows you around paying the bills. Yeah.

This is the Doug Stanhope podcast. I just was handed a note to make sure I intro the show in case you're scrolling the dial. Well, you have guests. Yeah, I introduced Junior Stopka and Andy Andrist and Greg Chaley. Yes, I did. I didn't hear you go around the horn, but I did. I said said we're the remnants of the party also uh your lovely wife my lovely wife who at some point i don't know she probably got a hold of some cocaine because she stayed up for a long time to the point where thank god it was after the impractical jokers left that she uh she fell apart but started talking to people i I don't know. I slept through it. You saw most of it. Talking to people that weren't there and trying to put blueberries in the toaster.

Yeah, she was definitely – well, I've been in a nursing home a lot lately, and it was the behavior like I see there at lunch. Smearing pudding in her hair and stuff like that where you're just like, all right. I think you determined that that was cream cheese. Yeah, cream cheese. Yeah, I know. I should have just put her in one of the wheelchairs and put her in front of Golden Girls. She was walking into the wall,

and she had an accomplice that was invisible. Sometimes you do. My brother said he left. The kitchen was in some order. It was cleaned. Sometimes you do. My brother said he left. The kitchen was in some order. It was cleaned. Yeah. Came back 20 minutes later, and it was littered with slices of white bread and dollar bills, singles. Yeah.

Maybe her imaginary friend was a stripper or a sandwich maker. Maybe her imaginary friend was a stripper or a sandwich maker. I cleaned out the kitchen, the sink, and I had fistfuls, but there was bread to it, and it was meat. But it's almost like you're digging a dead person out of the drainpipe, just handfuls of shit. Sounds like a retarded Happy New Year, bread and dollars. Yay! Yeah, and it made sense to her and her accomplice. Jen never said what she was eating. I think it was some kind of cereal, but she said at some point

she tried to snort her breakfast with a fork. And she goes, at that point, I thought, I was afraid she'd stab herself in the nose with the fork. That's a new diet. Tried to guide her into bed and she so she got in a bed monday uh at noon after being up all through the super bowl through the night about nine or ten i think no it's noon because i woke up when she went to bed i went to bed at nine and it was because the one of the final stragglers finally left so then then she went up to the main house.

Yeah, there were people sleeping outside, and it was like 38 degrees out. I remember before I went to bed just putting every extra blanket I could find on that guy. You could do like an all-star, like a reality show, have the all-stars of the annoying people who showed up, and then one of them, they're competing

for a chance to be at the party like naked guy from death valley or some of the gems we've had over the years the douchebag yeah the douchebag that yeah naked no naked guy wasn't douchebag yeah those no i'm saying yeah those are two separate and the douchebag yeah that guy was the all-time maybe party foul i vote for the opposite opposite. I vote for Glenn Wool, kings of the party, to show up. Yeah, yeah. But I see what you're saying. Yeah, well, I guess anybody who's been on the list where people have plotted murder.

It's a small list, but there's about four that I can think of. Shanking is a very violent thing. Yeah. For that to be the first in this, like, spitballing ideas of what to do to someone. Shanking comes up first. With the amount of effort we put into making this fucking thing work and some guys that much of a douchebag, you're already at the end of your rope by the time the fucking kickoff starts.

I wanted to stab the chicken when it wouldn't shit during halftime. I'm like, we do the chicken drop where it's a 10 by 10 pen with the numbers one through 100 on the ground. And you buy a raffle ticket for two bucks or five bucks or whatever. A two and a five. Yeah. And whoever, whatever number the chicken shits on first wins the pot. With 50 people screaming around the pen. Right.

Yeah. So the first chicken dropped. The chicken shits within 15 seconds. They killed all the thunder. So we go, we'll do it again at halftime. We sold another 100 tickets. Throw the chicken in the pen at halftime. We sold another 100 tickets. Throw the chicken in the pen at halftime.

$500 pot. I think we must have waited 20 or 25 minutes waiting for that thing to shit. And the game's coming back on. So we just did it as a raffle. Still better than Bruno Mars. Dang. That's the comedy bell. My brother, he has chickens. Urban chickens. I mean, they live in the suburbs outside. My brother, he has chickens. Urban chickens.

I mean, they live in the suburbs outside of Seattle. Street cred. Yeah. And that's the longest I've seen a chicken not shit. I think I blame us for not coordinating an interval feeding after the first shit. Yeah, we should. Because it shouldn't have been, and it couldn't just be corn or something like that. It should be something like mealworms.

Something like they're going to eat until there's no more. How about like Jägermeister and oatmeal soaked together? Well, if you're going to have the Andy drop, then Jägermeister oatmeal. But I think, and I was talking to Betty, who owns the chicken, that's probably what we should have done. Yeah, we get a lot of shit in this town because it's a big hippie town. And we've gotten some blowback that that's abusive. A chicken eats and shits. All right, maybe there's not 70 people waving cash in the air.

Do you think it's because it's for sport that they object? I think it's like horse racing. Those chickens, they thrive on it. You can see it in their eyes. But if you're just betting on a horse shitting, how is that cool to a horse? That's way more natural than betting on a horse to run around a

ring against a bunch of other horses. We could do free range chicken drop where we just paint huge numbers in a pasture. If I was on the death row instead of the electric chair, I'd like to say, hey, why don't you just go shit in a box and we'll bet on it.

I'd like that better. Homeless. Instead of killing the chicken, I was doing an example that went nowhere. Yeah, no, that was a complete misstep example that really made no sense whatsoever. I'm good at that. And we're not going to edit it out. No, that's staying. Junior stop, everyone. You could just put

a tarp down at one of those occupy camps remove the porta toilets we did piss roulette again and uh uh two of the guys from the impractical jokers if you didn't listen to that podcast it's probably kind of uh i felt like i was kind of stale on that. Like I just did some bland interview. When did you do the second one? Was that after the game? We did the second one after the game. And Q from the Impractical Joker said he'd do piss roulette if it was his girlfriend's piss.

And then I thought, well, I'm going to have to step up and be your opponent. Which is what you'd want it to be. Right. We got a celebrity here, and he's hauled his ass out here. I think his girlfriend probably did a well-timed career ending. Don't do this. It'll be all over YouTube. The fucking network is going to hate you. They'll cancel our show. But Sal did. against uh you played against joe big joe local guy yeah and

sal from the impractical jokers did the uh the mediating and it was which was great because he's so squeamish i had to give him a glove just to pull the trigger on the squirt bottles with the piss in them. Which, by the way, it wasn't a rubber glove. It was a wool glove. It would hold any amount of liquid that would touch it. It wouldn't roll off the glove. It would soak into the glove and hence his hand. I'm glad you didn't explain this to him ahead of time.

He did look like, I mean, just the idea of urine in someone else's mouth made him look like he wanted to kill. He kept retching. His eyes were watering the whole time. Yeah, you'll find that. You'll find piss roulette. Search Stan Hope piss roulette. If it's a black guy playing, that was last year. This year it was me and a giant.

We try to keep diversified. But it went down to the last guns again. It was fantastic. Everyone thinks we can plan that. And it's like, we have no planning skills whatsoever. We sat around Monday yesterday,

just comparing notes of what we remember from the night before. And the guy getting thrown out and the pissed roulette and the chicken drop and the thing. And not once did anyone, uh, was the game uh an issue like if you're waiting for us to go what a shitty game that was no one cared piss roulette was better than the game yeah but no one cares about this roulette was better than the halftime piss

roulette i guess i didn't explain that is where you have uh six squirt guns five have tequila one has piss and you play it russian roulette style just like the end of deer hunter people screaming it seemed like once you took a shot in the mouth and it was either tequila or piss you had to like like take it down and then like swish it a little bit like what wait a minute you know it's tequila right away i Okay. Yeah. I played it up just because I remember watching last year's footage of Shawnee, and he'd make you wait. Yeah. He cheated the expression on his face. No, that's good.

Showmanship. Yeah, because you could. Could you take a mouthful of piss and then act like it's tequila and get the other person to. Fuck. Please hold. Hey, my brother's on the line. I love we always get callers because I forget to turn my phone off.

We're doing a podcast, so you're on the air. What's the weather like there? It's irritating. With a chance of fire. Are you stuck in Atlanta again? I'm in Atlanta, and I'm waiting in line

to try to hustle a lot of some free booze or something. And then I'll head to Minute Sleep. B-15 is the gate. On the field, we'll get it right here. We land at B-5. All right. I'm standing down at B-19 at the service desk.

All right, I'll call you after the podcast. Did you have anything you wanted to add? We'd like this. This is my brother, Jeff. We did the cooking with Joby. And thank you very much. You crushed it again. Anytime, baby. Anything for you.

How are you doing on the sandwiches? I still got two left. All right. Very good. I'm saving two for a room in case I get stuck in a house. I'll be right back. I'll explain your sandwich thing when I hang up, which is now. All right.

Love you. Bye. Explain your sandwich thing when I hang up, which is now. Jeff will purposely travel with the stinkiest sandwiches in the world just to annoy the people around him. He flew out with liverwurst and hard-boiled egg sandwiches. Liverwurst? Yeah, and it sat in his bag overnight. I heard him saying, like, yeah, we got to get to their check-in,

and then I have to go get that egg salad wedge sandwich. I'm like, who the fuck orders those? It's that pre-made, like a garage somewhere, and it's a thin layer of egg salad. And he gets those, but that explains why. Because he was looking forward to getting that sandwich, and I didn't know why. Oh, yeah, he won't fly without it.

ID, check. Egg salad sandwich. But this is the third Super Bowl where he's gotten way late in Shanghai and Atlanta overnight and had to take another day off of work just to get back to Providence. That's why you stay late. Yep. Start early, stay late.

Andy Andrist, everyone is wanting to know, because we have done a couple of podcasts with you that were completely indecipherable because you were holding the mic like a rapper. Also, it was that I was holding a lot of booze before we started, and that was part of it, too. Those were like drunken free-for-alls, and then I started mouth-loving up the mic.

But people want to know what's going on with the documentary. For those of you who don't know, Andy was molested as a young teen and tracked the guy down and we did some kind of... As a barely legal... No, I was... Yeah, no, not barely legal at all. Yeah, yeah. As a supple young man.

Well, we hijacked the guy on a Mickey Mouse operation to catch a predator. Yeah. I mean, like most of what I was going to do, I just wanted to fuck the guy over. It was close to the holidays. It was like it's one of those things where you've always intended to get revenge on somebody, and then the years go by, and you kind of forget about it or whatever and you see him again go i was gonna do something to that guy's car i just can't remember what it was uh and i forget even why but this guy you know was pretty memorable because

he he would well uh one he hired me to come down and do physical work uh he had a videotaping business where he would tape little league sports or whatnot and i would carry equipment for him and do physical work. He had a videotaping business where he would tape Little League sports or whatnot. And I would carry equipment for him because he was a gimp or he was crippled. And that's how I got to know him because my dad was in a VA hospital. And this guy saw me there in my short pants.

And I was a mouth breather with pretty full lips. pants and i had i was a mouth breather with the you know pretty full lips and uh and i was running around being my parents used to tell me uh stop showing off at a you know va va hospital every corner there's an audience so i was working the room showing off in my my boy scout pants and my well yeah we we covered this actually in our first podcast ever with you almost a year ago. By the time this gets out it'll probably be our one year anniversary of sporadic podcasting. It's Andy's

Molester. Uniquely named. Yeah, Andy's Molester is the name of that podcast. But since then you gave the footage Paul Provenza saw the footage and said, hey, let's make a full lengthza saw the footage. Yeah, Paul Provenza. He said, hey, let's make a full-length thing out of this. Well, there was a YouTube clip that was up for a while.

And you yanked it. Yeah, last year, coming back from the Super Bowl, from here, and I drove out last year, Provenza called, and then he said, hey, I think I can get you a deal for that. Could you be able to pull it off the internet? I think I can get you 50 grand. And I you be able to pull it off the internet I think I can get you 50 grand and it's like let's get that down

I'm done you know I want the views I embarrass that guy I'm looking for likes and views I'm rock and roll fucking molesting videos I'll take this down for 50k or 1000 likes

it falls into that awkward gray area fucking molesting videos. I'll take this down for 50K or 1,000 likes. Yeah, that falls into that awkward gray area of liking something. I watched a Whiskey Girl Nowhere Man music video right after that. Oh, yeah. Don't want to hit like. Anyway. Right, right. I'm sure this is ground that's been covered in comedy. No, they're changing that, though.

Facebook, they're going to change it from like to – they're going to keep like, but there's going to be another thing, support. Because that's a great example. Andy's molester, you hit like because you appreciate Andy doing what he did. Or not necessarily. And all of a sudden you're on a list of people who like molesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It is an odd thing.

Push A-OK if you like foreplay with youngsters um but so yeah right now and we didn't i didn't get a chance to talk to our legal counsel who was here at the party where things started but uh um he called and we had won to show the clip and then we were in court we had to go to court just to be they try to put a gag order on it and they didn't think me and doug would show up they thought obviously these guys have better stuff to do than to show up on christmas eve or new year's eve whatever it was to show up to fight it so we won the whatever they it was like yeah you're in south florida too i think i could take a nice winter vacation to go to court yeah yeah so we yeah we spent a lot of time in preparation drinking in various bars like we are uh legal fees yeah uh but so uh it

was i could have dropped the whole thing and it would just be pedophile zero, me zero. I guess pedophile one because he didn't molest me when I was hot. But I could have left it alone, but it's a loser pay state. So because they sued us or hit us with something, and then we won, we should have gotten some money. And then they said, well, you're entitled to a dollar dollar or whatever so the lawyers seem to want to keep it going and i said well if you're having fun let's have you know keep it going and so but i mean mainly uh i you know that's the only legal thing going and and if he if the guy you get a lot of footage in the can for yeah yeah, and if he loses, he'll have to pay the lawyer about what a 1984 Spider Fiat or whatever would have cost. Did he sign the release form afterwards to use his image?

I think he did his releases on the early movies when he went to the – when he said – I think – I mean, I've had to revisit a lot of this, but he would play with me, and I think he was playing with himself, and then he'd say he had to go tinkle, but I think that was semen mixed with whatever. He'd say, I've got to go tinkle, and then it was a while, and I'd feign sleep and hope he was done, and sometimes he'd give me another little belly pat, good puppy kind of thing or whatever. But it was always over, but it was after he had to go tinkle, so that's what I think that's what that means.

I'm going to go cum. My babysitter only made me grilled cheese. I bet chicks would really appreciate that a lot. When you're about to cum, you go, hang on, I'm just going to go to the bathroom. You don't have to take this in the face again. We never have girls on the podcast so we never let ladies around it could it could be like you're just getting ready to sneeze pardon me for a minute i think i need to go calm in the bathroom

oh that's the politest guy ever you weren't gonna use this anyway is this for procreation because I can give it to you to go. To go tissue? Put it in a small Tupperware. Hey, could you give some of this to your mom? I was actually kind of thinking about her anyway. You know, this is kind of topical, which is not anything we do on the podcast.

That one gal... Traceable? Called her abuser.user yeah we were watching it today yeah no i kind of was pissed off about that because she got a lot more of a detailed confession out of the her she got a basically a phone call with the transcript coming up on the like yeah and that was something we were to be, like, legally aware of. But you had a guy on camera. Yeah, yeah.

Way better. But in Florida, though, yeah, in Florida, there's some law against taping a conversation. Yeah, it's a two-party consent state. But I saw something, and I don't even know. I didn't see, but it has to do with the statute of limitations being wiped out. So, you know, you can always go back and use your pedophile like an ATM. Yeah, on this new case where the girl got a recorded phone conversation, they put her in jail because if it's something that you could get life in prison for, there is no statute.

Potential for life if she was convicted. If the potential for life was there, then she's still... I just always thought murder was the only thing with no statute. Almost like a thirst degree. A pedophile should have to do the... Especially with guys. When a guy gets

molested or whatever, he ends up committing some heinous felony against... he does something horrible and then maybe the pedophile should have to split that jail sentence i was like i want to because i think i think when a boy when a boy gets molested by a creepy ugly dude or whatever he turns into a rageaholic and there's issues without in his life and he can't he can't use his molestation for anything useful. But, like, you take a girl, and she gets fucked by a creepy, ugly guy.

She's got life skills, you know? She can spin on a pole. There's always somebody who's going to buy her a drink. Yeah, just your coworkers are your support group. Yeah, she's not going to take a bottle, probably probably and crack that guy in the head for buying her a drink like a guy who got molested by maybe the same guy. It's interesting. How can you monetize your molestation?

Well, that's what... That would be a great book. But that's what I... Monetizing Your Molestation by Andy Andrews. But that was ultimately what I thought I wanted to go re-git, because he did all these... I know how hard it is to convert film to stuff, though. So he taped me in doing these underwear photo shoots

before I could get paid for the other gig. This is where I was pissed off and knew I got... That was a condition of you being paid, was to do the underwear thing? Well, he'd hold the money back, but I thought I had already done the gig. So it's like when a club owner, you know, has some complaints about you and the money

is sitting there and you already did the gig or whatever. Saturday Late Show is over enough in your mind. But in his mind, it's still fresh and needs to be discussed. So yeah, there was money. But then he'd go, hey, I just wanted to get a couple of quick shots.

And, you know, it's like a couple of quick shots, okay. You know, like the selfies. That's not what he wanted. What he should have said is, you know, a model's always got to be prepared for adverse conditions. And this one's a cold corner. I'm going to let's start shirtless. He didn't even warm you up?

Yeah. And the thing was, I know now, I was doing fucking enough. I mean, I see the modeling shows and they go, well, I don't, your expression or your far away eyes or whatever. But what he wanted was basically the chicken to crawl out of the cage or you know he'd keep folding down the underwear and going okay i want a little you know it's like you know those aren't even like i don't know that there's muscles you know i'm filled out a complaint yeah i'm sick i'm sixth grade and he wants the the lower lower abs like i've been doing

specialized planking or something but what you know know, and then when I became more of a savvy model, I'd just flop the dick out and get my paycheck. This is how you get outside the door. Yeah. This is how you get to the door. Hey, my flight's in an hour. Here's the dick. Can we go now?

But, yeah, that was the whole deal. But I wanted those. Like if I could just go show up at his place and say, hey, I want a copy of those. Because once you turn 19 or in your 30s, you get control of your own films. And I admit I wasn't doing money shots or I wasn't the champ of kiddie porn or nothing, but they were nice, hallmarky. You were a contender. You held your own.

Yeah, risk a serious catalog modeling or whatever. And so if I had all those awkward videos he had, then I could start my own website, you know, hot young boy, you know, caught with his pants down or whatever, and then, you know, hot young boy, you know, caught with his pants down or whatever. And then, you know, make it reasonable. That would be a very funny legal battle is selling your own child porn from when you were a kid. Yeah.

It's me. Haven't I suffered enough? You're victimizing children. Yeah, it feels great. I got to bank on this somehow. Yeah. Well. Yeah, it feels great. I got to bank on this somehow. Yeah. Well. Yeah, and then I'd be like also like a public service thing.

Like I could be my own Chris Hansen. Like if somebody, you know, re-upped and, you know, got paid for three in a row or whatever, I could, you know, maybe make a personal appearance at their house. Hey, you played three in a row. That means you're good for a bat beating. I want to see that. Yeah, that'd be great.

I just wanted you to see me now to ruin your orgasm. Right, right. Like, too, it could be, you know, just folding your underwear down and all the young boy, he's all scared and ready to cry, and then fold them down, then cut to, he's like 50, and his gut's hanging over, his dick's all shriveled out, but he's no longer upset. He's just looking for money.

You about done. I need some money to go get some hams. And then after the photo shoot, there was the small talk on the way to the airport. I always hated that. But that's where he made, then there was the small talk on the way to the airport. I always hated that. But that's where he made one. What was the conversation?

We listened to a lot of ELO. But he explained to me one time that he was sending, like, this was to make me feel like he wasn't, nothing was weird with, you know, but he was sending letters to one of the Charlie's Angels. It was Kate's. Like a fan? Yeah, fan letters. Like he was, you know, like that was a potential date that he might, you know, like I might get squeezed out of the picture

and I'll show up, you know, wanting a new sweatsuit and one of the Charlie's Angels is here. I want one of the Charlie's Angels, but I'll settle for little Andy. But you see the juxtaposition of him like waving $25 in front of Andy to roll down his underpants a little at a time for that sweet exposition. Or I'm so heterosexual, I potentially am going to date one of Charlie's Angels. And she's a lesbian. Did he stuff the money in your underpants?

No, no, no. There was an envelope of money and I knew where it was. The last gig and I got fired way before the underwear shoot. He got fired from being molested. Well, I mean, it was... No ambition.

No ambition in this kid. We've said it for a long time. It was a – No ambition. No ambition in this kid. We've said it for a long time. It's just a bad comment card. It was apparent that if he did get the second base, it would be with a bloody nose. So, yeah, we didn't get to the, oh, hey, I thought I might just take a few pictures of your stomach muscles. You know, I don't know.

I think maybe in almost every man on boy or boy on boy or man on man relationship when you say keep your hands off me i'm not a faggot that's you're broken oh that was it yeah that's that's what i said i don't want you know i'm not a faggot or you know i mean i was just learning that term i didn't know it was a a bundle of sticks but yeah that's what you know and then uh then we got freaked out yeah he got all panicky and went and sat in the other room uh i mean he's just you know it's like i the thing is is you're such a stupid kid and you don't even know the head you know like foreigner head games on my uh walkman would have been good. Oh, dude, you're just playing head games.

You're just acting all upset because you don't want me to tell my parents, and you're putting that guilt on me, pussy. You know, but I just, yeah, he did bump me up on my pay. I did get a pay increase, and then I got what they called at the time. He knows the word faggot. He's going to need more hush money. Yeah. No confidentiality agreement?

No, I never signed a release. And I never really got one either, so it worked out. But so, yeah, the last visit he got me. We were boozing, and this is one of the things I found out in court. One of the things that his lawyer stung me with is Mr. Spleen hasn't had a drink since but we drank together he'd get drinks and he'd mix them

and I remember in court thinking wow I've been drinking together or drinking by myself about 15 years more than I thought because you know I mean I thought we were both doing Jack Daniels because we you know a couple of guys hanging out that happened to like Marilyn Chambers movies. At least, I mean, I do appreciate some of the stuff.

Like the porn we watch would be porn. It's not like he didn't have two bikers fucking over a bottle of cold beer. It's all heterosexual. Yeah, yeah. I think he was just shitty at whatever sexuality my favorite part of stories is the name is mr spleen i know yeah my pbs guy with a puppet hey mr clean here with uh we're gonna not touch you wrecked me he nearly destroyed you yeah but i think ultimately though that that he just what like you know no matter who he was

trying to impress take to uh a movie into whatever it was he was an awkward fuck who didn't know about you know trimming your nose hair or just shit he just it was like a kind of i think he was just really an awkward fuck. So with a kid, he came across that way. I think that's why that sending a Charlie's angels, a letter would work out. That's why he married a Filipino woman,

you know, the things that you didn't say he was smooth. You always see a picture of molested looking like that with wiry eyebrows and hunched over and, you know, are getting jumpsuit. Not the profile, but that's what you hunched over and, you know, are you going to jump suit? Not to profile. But that's what you, you know, you say always it was a homosexual guy.

That guy's like waxing his chest, just working out. Yeah, wearing like a mesh half shirt, you know. Right. He cares about himself. Proud of his body. This is how I present myself. Right. There were no bears back then.

They were just, you know, big fat guys trying to touch you. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a whole category. I'm not saying that homosexuals are pedophiles. I'm saying that you picture in your head. That's what Putin is saying. Yeah. Well, churches are greatly involved with how homosexuals are shaped.

Because, like, Boyouts uh are always church affiliated or whatever so i think that they spoil queerness because the church is like catholic you know catholic priests have their own level of creepy uh you know but it twists you or whatever but if the if gays were really serious about building you know like their youth football league up or whatever i do think they would try to get good-looking, smooth homosexual men to work with the kids instead of these rat-faced

creeps who don't shower, take the little league team over and yell at kids and then finger fuck them in the back. That's not going to make for a happy rainbow world. That's what I think. Better queer coaches.

Hey, my eBay yard sale where I try to de-hoard my house will be coming up soon, and I'll be getting rid of a lot of the vintage suits I wear and sport coats and shit and all my football jerseys. I have like 70 football jerseys. We get rid of those and old posters and stuff that's clogging up my fucking crawl space. So that'll be coming up. Keep an eye on that.

You might only find out if you're on the mailing list. Are you like me? Are you kicking yourself for missing the Philip Seymour Hoffman garage sale? Don't be too late to the party. Doug Stanhope, who's still alive, who doesn't have a needle in his

arm yet, has got some merchandise that you can own before tragedy strikes. You're not just wasting another day of your life at a budget six hotel. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Why don't you join the mailing list before you shoot yourself or eat the Cheetos? It doesn't matter. You've got lots of options.

Could be Denny's for lunch or who knows. But join the mailing list. Would it kill you? Would it? Put your name down uh do you want to talk about home life what's home life this shit you got going on oh home life uh probably not no I don't yeah we can't it's nothing funny you make everything funny just talked about getting raped for 20 minutes not raped yeah well that's the thing soft rate that was a job that was a job yeah it was a gig yeah it was i was i mean you know it was good preparation for for what would come you know it was a it was a look into

the future you're gonna feel bad about everything and you're gonna get underpaid that chaley came up with the phrase soft rape at some point. Where were we? It really had no meaning and I go eventually that will have a meaning and then Bingo got soft raped. The first time you used it was on Stern.

Talking about that. The old mushroom dealer who looks like the big beardy guy from the Simpsons. He's like 70 years old and we went out to score mushrooms. Android's Dungeon. The guy who runs

Android's Dungeon. But she went out there alone once to go to a drum circle when she was going to first actually be social. She's just getting out of her mental illness and he's a nice old guy

with a drum circle and oh, guess what? When she showed up, it turns out through small talk, he was a massage therapist too because bingo used to be a massage therapist huh and uh so oh oh we're gonna swap massages she was really not she shouldn't have been left alone anywhere at that stage of her mental illness.

But yeah, so when he grabbed her by the clam, she just froze up and couldn't say anything. That's how you get clams out of the water or sand, though. It's much like Andy. He couldn't get his pay until he rolled down his underpants, and Bingo was waiting for the mushrooms. And it's like, no, no, she wasn't going. We got mushrooms from the guy. Oh, I thought this was a previous occasions and he said it was some point hey if you want to come to a drum circle we do this there was no drum circle there's no one there yeah and she didn't ever and now she's

naked on which you know her being naked is so normal that yeah it wasn't until he grabbed her by the clam she's like oh this is not what it's supposed to be. You would think that a drum circle is one thing you would get suspicious that you're not actually heading towards. I'm not hearing any drumming whatsoever. That's the most offensive part of me. We're getting close. We're getting close.

She just wanted to prove she could go out and be social, and some 70-year-old white-bearded man did not seem threatening. Comic book guy. Nor did he ever think that anything was wrong. He thought she really liked him. She just froze up. That's back when she was bald and seriously going to episodes of talking on a banana, kind of like she did,

which is very rare now. When she was answering the refrigerator the other morning, that's how she was all the time. Is your refrigerator running? Let me get in it and drive it around and find out. But, yeah, your wife has some brain disorder that's so weird they'll probably name it after her. No, it's got a name, but it's like, yeah, she doesn't talk to the refrigerator,

but she might cry about the way things are put in the refrigerator. But she's losing her eyesight. Yeah, she's going blind. And they say when you lose one sense another one gets stronger and i would say despondency has stepped up a notch i don't think that's a sense but i get what you're saying yeah her sense of despondency sense of entitled uh but yeah it's just uh so that's going on so and and then they keep they may need to tap back into the brain. So at that point, then I think maybe her and Bingo could get along pretty good.

They could bounce around together. But, yeah, she's blind and tippy. So she's not ever going to play soccer. How long can she work? She still has a job. What does she do? She's in a medical field. She's an office manager now, and she can see stuff.

I guess if she went blind, it would be a matter of an employee or employer wanting to keep her on for her other skill set. Despondency? I hope she's different at work if she acts the way she does at home sometimes i think she would be uh yeah she'd be home a little more they're all different in front of other people yeah that's come on let's what it's like when you have to be a caregiver or whatever like i got used to a level of i don't have to be that uh sensitive you know like you got to a level of you didn't really have to do much as shit except raise a daughter well correctly right but that's not easy you know how the kids are but uh but but

where she was self-reliant she did her own thing and and now everything i have to be like a hundred percent more sensitive to everything and then that doesn't then that's not good enough so you know that's what i need medical weed for for one and uh you know but it's just yeah it's like you have you you have to be like uh yeah where where we sit where we sit in this place i saw someone who would go wow i wish i you know had that level of concern and and empathy for the person i married or you know for another person but uh sometimes she's a pain in the ass and then uh waiting and and then she's you know it's like a fucking cousin Edna on the vacation movies they took her on the road trip

and they put their arm out and be patient and she'd get off or whatever that's what mother was like when she was dying and I had fucking no patience for right yeah nor did I feel bad with bingo like when she's gone through episodes I feel bad that I don't have that kind of patience and I'm frustrated.

And like someone else fucking deal with this. Her mother flew down once. Cause I, I, I can't, you know, you'd have to be awake. It was like having a baby where she'd wake up in a like complete blackouts

from her meds being fucked up and like walking into the heater. And you, or you know, she's going to fall on the corner of a coffee table. And that all goes into, I guess, into the same bucket of, uh,

not knowing how to help that person or where it's coming from. And with my wife, she's got a brain spots that are like little things that, you know, and we know we're like a little scrawny Ronnie Putnam had a little one thing in his brain and that killed a big fat guy and a big fat man. And one little disturbance in his brain brought him down like a small rhino or whatever.

And my wife's frail with multiple spots in her brain, and some of them have already affected her or whatever. Russ Dunn, I don't know if you remember Russ. Yeah, he died of an aneurysm too. And that is what Chaley noticed is the curse of playing Saturday night before the Super Bowl. Because we used to have a band play Saturday night. And Russ was played and then died in March. Then last year, Whiskey Girl and Nowhere Man played.

They're dead by October. This year, we're sponsored by the Haymarket Squares. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They played. They were fantastic. And they played the Super Bowl weekend party. So go get them. See them soon.

Get their stuff. Break up the jinx. Haymarket Squares, because who knows how long they'll be around. Yeah, that's why we should just do open mic that night. Start with open mic. Yeah, that would be good. Okay, you continue the, hey, guy that tried to steal my fucking booze at an open bar. You're up first.

Yeah. That's the thing. I mean, Doug and Doug will back me on this. yeah that's the thing that i i mean doug and doug will back me on this uh uh there's a you know we're not like oceans 11 or anything but we've both stolen things and it's fun to steal things especially like not you know from stores or we steal souvenirs yes things like clocks i have a wall of stolen clocks from you know like the girls gone wild tour bus. Yeah, we were. I was at a Robert Evans party with Douglas. And they did. We had an idea to have a scavenger hunt

and take a personal effect of Robert Evans. And I was the only one who took it serious enough. But he had like a picture of himself in the bathroom getting a degree a honorary degree. And it was an 8x10, and I stuffed it in my pants. A framed 8x10. And that turns your pants square. There was all these security and meatheads around.

This is a huge figure in old Hollywood. This isn't going to some dude who like MC. He was the head of a studio. He was the head of a studio for a while. Yeah. And when you originally told this story, I'm like, there's gotta be someone else named Robert Evans.

This can't be the guy. No, he had an animated show on comedy central for a second, but it was the same season that the Man Show was coming out. And so they had like a season premiere party for all their new shows. It was like, you know, a thousand people there at his estate. In the Hollywood Hills. Yeah, we jumped in his fountain naked.

No, in his pool, in that famous pool. It was a fountain. It was a pool-sized fountain, but it was a fountain. People don't swim in that. The point is you guys were naked at a Hollywood party jumping into a body of water. He was holding court off somewhere where you had to get an invite to talk to Robert Evans. Well, he came out, and everybody's out in the tennis courts area, a big buffet set up. And he comes out, and he gives a big long spiel.

And everybody was waiting for a moment to laugh or clap. But it was such a rambling, crazy fucking deal that nobody really... And then he was done and wandered off. And the Juggies said I could join them in line, which I did. And then I hadn't met Gary Busey before. But Gary Busey saw me cutting in line and he comes and gets my face and it was it was terrifying it was the guys obviously started screaming at andy for cutting he kept going yeah he goes you where you come from and you know like you like i know i

shouldn't be cutting in line get you and he followed me all the way back all the way back like hundreds of people and i'm until i'm all the way in the back. And he goes, there, you get it. Yeah, I get it. You're a fucking buddy, Holly. You know, I feel like I'm on acid listening to this story. Jump. That was early. That was early in the party.

Yeah. Yeah. One jumbo prawns in a buffet line make people crazy. Just so you know, we're to the wise. Oh, so here's how I managed to get the picture out uh of robert evans first we went and we we met robert evans we had our comedy central liaison go hey we need some we need to do blow with robert evans she's like okay i'll say but i'm sure she thought we were kidding about the blow part like she just thought we wanted to meet him so he's holding court and

he's like a line and we get up to him and he's like, pleasure to meet you. They whisper in his ear who we are and say, we're going to have a really good season. And I go, yeah, but where's the blow, Bob? Yeah, Doug goes, cut the shit, Bob. Where's the blow? He was like, looking forward to a successful run on Comedy Central. I hope both our shows are picked up and huge success.

Cut the shit, Bob. Where's the blow? And then he started into some paranoid ramble. I can't even leave the house. I can't even do that. Be around it. They'll follow me. They'll plant it in the back of my car, and then I'm off to jail.

That kind of like. And I go, but yeah, but seriously, Bob, cut the shit. Where's the blow? That's awesome. And he just, yeah. We were in the inner circle. It seemed like an hour, but it was probably more like three minutes. But yeah, then we met Slash out front.

I think I was trying to bum cigarettes from him. I couldn't find cigarettes anywhere. I asked. This was great. I go, it's a Slash. Because we were still, Craig Kilborn was in the hot tub with a bunch of coked up chicks. Craig Kilborn was in the hot tub with a bunch of coked up chicks. So this is right after the Cut the Shit, Bob Wears a Blow.

Yeah, yeah. That's the title of the series. I go, hey, Kilborn, where's the blow? And then I go, come on, these chicks aren't with you because you're funny. And then one of his harem comes over and starts berating Andy for saying. Proving that they had coke. For a long time. But then I go to Slash. I go, hey Slash, where can a guy like me find blow? Or I go, where can I get some blow?

And he goes, have you tried the bathroom? And I go, I bet that works when your name's Slash. But when you're Andy Anderson, you walk in there, they don't just bust it out. There's A. So instead of blow, you decided to steal, they don't just bust it out. There's a, but it was instead of blow. You go, you decided to steal the picture. Well, no, but I stole the picture first earlier in the evening while we're still getting to know people.

But one of the juggies was out there and I knew I had to walk past everybody to go out by our car and ditch this picture up in the Ivy is what I did. Once you got it, you had just like that kids that kids yeah the bottle of scotch in my tree but juggy kathy's out there looking like juggy kathy and i go hey would you mind walking out to my car for something so she you know i did have still had a square bulge in my pants big square boner but nobody looks at the little dude you think they're probably going i'll bet he has a big dick but they're probably not going i'll bet he's got an eight by ten or coke eight by ten you might have just went out with chocolate all over your mouth going i didn't eat anything right so but then when we were in the inner circle and after uh oj what was that shapiro we talked to shapiro a brief bit i took something that looked like urn, but maybe an urn for a small pet.

It was a small one. But then Doug showed that to her. We had that outside and then Doug said, it's Robert. That probably has some sentimental value. Yeah, so Slash gave me a clock. No one's like, that was my clock. A wall clock that you get at Ikea.

Yeah, it has to be kind of cool. But we did Doug David. And earned with ashes? Safe bet. You should probably leave it. Yeah, Andy, that's probably a little too much. Yeah, we can edit that. When I do Super Bowl party, that's one of the things I have on my prep list

is go around and take all the shit that I would steal and hide it in a closet for the people walking to the bathroom. Oh, his telemarketing trophy from 1990. Yeah, that's important to me. Just to give a little background, I pulled out Wikipedia. Robert Evans was a former studio exec, also known for his work with Rosemary's Baby, Love Story, The Godfather, and Chinatown.

I mean, he's got a lot of probably cool shit hanging around his... You probably know him if you listen to this. Patton Oswalt had a fantastic bit about his book on tape or the movie he did. Kid Stays in the Picture. I almost said No Child Left Behind. Same thing. But yeah, Patton Oswalt does this flawless impression of him

going, the elasticity of a human rectum knows no boundaries, or something to that effect. Sorry, Patton, for ruining that bit. He got discovered because he was like a ladies' pants salesman, and some rich lady's husband

was a Hollywood guy. I think he died, and she thought he looked like he could play her husband in the movie and that's how he became robert evans he was selling women's pants and had the right customer yeah we're a little uh that's why we're short to a couple of uh our fucking regulars here shaley's having to do double duty on wikipedia and i'm having a poor fucking cocktail i know you know where's our flunkies and our lackeys and our wives? Down.

If nothing else, all you need is just somebody to spin the cocktail machine. You know what we should get for this podcast is they always have, the radio guys always have the lackey intern that gets a lot of grief and is bumbling. Or when it's a slow day, have them do something so that you can berate them. Yeah, no, you need to be like, you need, we should get the opposite, like the intern that's like way too good for this show well you should that kid who got caught stealing that was everything he could be your intern like you could have him as your

intern of just tough love the guy who's trying to rob from you making poor drinks and just be available where you know and if he ever tries to get away, you know, we murder him. I believe you said shank earlier. Yeah, shank. Well, no, we tell shank to talk to him. We just tell shank to talk to him. That way we're all, you know, good with the lawyers, and then he murders him because he has a bad temper.

Yeah, I told Chad the next day, I go, you did the right thing sneaking out early. He goes, oh, what happened? I told him. He goes, oh, for once I did the right thing because that's why I left. He's just looking for someone. I saw him at the Friday night comedy show that JT Halberstadt put on locally. Yeah.

I mean, Chad, we spent a couple of weeks on tour with him. Yeah. And it wasn't until like the second, almost the third week that it was brought to my attention that he was basically a guy who doesn't get out much because he doesn't deal with people very well. Yeah. And he's aware of his anger. Totally. He's a sweetheart. And he doesn't want to be like that.

He did a great job holding it in. But when he was at that comedy show, he had not been out of the house for three months and then for him to be out two days in a row yeah it was pretty fantastic so i think leaving was probably the best thing for everyone especially the kid hiding booze and trying to steal it's not that big a deal that's what i'd be saying to him it's just a bottle you would be you'll be down playing it but at the same time you're fucking Fireball was one of the bottles he was trying to take if you're trying to steal Fireball he's a hipster

that's the fucking new Jagermeister oh well yeah the hot cinnamon I'm a whiskey drinker but I like it to not taste like whiskey at all yeah you had the bar what is that bar tracking each bottle was weighed I should have John Taffer at my next whiskey at all. Yeah, you had the bar. What is that? That bar tracking? Each bottle was weighed.

I should have John Taffer at my next Super Bowl party. Unbeknownst, Doug put a GPS locator on all his bottles. When you steal from him, it costs everybody money. Your customers are going to absorb that cost. You see what I mean?

Yes. You take booze from a man stealing money out of his pocket. I'm too upset to be here. We'll do this in the morning if I decide to come back, and I always do. Does he redecorate your house? But he can't because it's too weird. There's too many clocks on the wall. Well, I told you about the one. I've only seen one episode, and I can't vouch for it being any good,

but it was Church Rescue, where they just come in and said how they're not maximizing Jesus up. It's a new takeoff on Bar Rescue, Hotel Impossible, all that shit, where they go in and they basically find a church that's failing. How do you fucking fail at a church, right, unless you're skimming money? That's all I can figure out this is bullshit yeah that skimming money was how the church made money

I wish they would just like cut the whole Jesus thing and just you know you're not getting the you got plenty of hucksters you're just not giving them the right or coming and just making a bar they treat it like. This is what you got to do.

Get out, Jesus, and get the bottles. I have looked. Here's a graph of 11 different churches all selling the same Jesus. You need a new religion. I got it. Pentecostals. Does that mean anything to you? Of course it does.

There's no more Pentecostals around here. Get with the program. I got something new. It's newer than Scientology. You're God. Take a look at this. This was provided to us by another fucking science fiction writer. I got hands-out money grubbers to redesign your collection plate.

They've streamlined it. And what that does, it looks like there's more money in that. There's a beginning of a shift. And that encourages pilgrims. Swipe your credit card. It does. It looks like there's more money in that. There's a beginning of a shift. There's a POS system in the corner. And that encourages pilgrims. Swipe your credit card. You don't have to leave your pew. Jesus Christ.

10% straight out of your bank account. It's electronic tithing. We've also attached this to an SMS texting program. You're overpouring the blood of Christ. program. You're overpouring the blood of Christ. It's two fingers and then a nail. Two fingers and a nail. They're stealing from Christ

and they're stealing from you. Are we going to get this business on, Ryan? How long is this going? I can tell that we're having fun. We're probably over time because we started drinking late. We're an hour. Good.

But it ran for a little bit before. All right. Yeah, that before stuff was us talking about what we're about to talk about. Seattle, 48. Actually, 43. Denver, 8. No, they had a chance to kick a field goal. The only reason we do squares, and if you don't know what squares are, fucking Google it.

I'm not explaining it. I have to do that every Sunday to women. Well, you want them to be involved in the game. You play squares, and you don't have to know anything. It's just random chance. You win money. So, yeah, they had a chance to kick a field goal where they didn't towards the end to make it 46 to 8.

And that would have made someone else win. Brian Hennigan won the big pot. But I thought he's going to get fucked because they kicked the field goal. I forgot they did not so 43 to 8 for all of you guys who get all your sports news from the doug hennegan hennegan did the scariest thing uh well i passed out before the so did he i had to go wake him up saying you're about three minutes away from winning 500 bucks you might want to get up he passed out to andy and hennegan i had to go up up to Andy in the fucking fourth quarter.

He was in the front row of the fun house, dead asleep with one of my favorite rolling rock pint glasses dangling precariously out of his hand. I had to take it away from him like a little baby. I passed out on one of the impractical jokers, didn't I? I was sleeping on his shoulder. Yeah, you were leaning on his shoulder. Yeah, Sal. But, you know, I was out for that. But Hennigan came in.

If he knew where you'd been, he would have been fucking germaphobe out of his mind. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Hennigan, he comes in, and I'm asleep in the room, and he's, like, being comforting. It was like you in Amsterdam only had a blanket or, you know. But he goes, roll under this. You'll be much more comfortable. And then I goes, anything? What's going on out there?

And he goes, oh, everything's right there. And he was being sincere. I didn't get that at the time. Oh, yeah. No, he told me that. He took off your shoes and stuff. He said you were laying in bed. Where was he?

In the bedroom. And he passed out in the bedroom he was staying in. Oh, in the room. But, like, with his legs hanging off the bed in a way you don't want to fall asleep. So, Hannigan went in and took off his shoes and moved them and got blankets on them. And then Andy just woke up freaked out thinking, who's fucking with me? Yeah, no. When Hannigan's being comforting, I was like, man, they're fucking.

I've done something wrong and the police are coming. And, you know, and I just I just like get kind of a read on people's faces he's killed again yeah something happened uh put his shoes on and that's what I think that's probably why there's not a lot of Scottish women nurses let me put your leg up and no no just leave me be I'm fine it's it's a frightening language oh I haven't packed yet Oh, shit. I haven't packed yet. Off to Cincinnati? Doesn't matter.

This won't be until I'm back. I don't really go on the road until, I think, March 25th, which will be my 47th birthday. You know, you don't want to jinx it, because that's when Philip Seymour Hoffman thought he was going to have 247, but nope. Celebrity death pool. Get on

it. Eight people on the site had Philip Seymour Hoffman just based on his one stint in rehab. Good research, kids. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Was Melissa one of them? And you don't go from not in our league or home. I could just call it our team. You know what?

Joby, change it to team instead of my funeral home. It's a little too hokey. And that's not... You just ran amok by somebody giving you like six Oxycontin and you had no idea what you were doing and drank a big glass of wine. He had heroin and needles hanging out his arm, so... 50 bags and hit the...

What? He had 50 bags of heroin and hit the ATM. I saw that in the news. He hit the ATM the night before. Half a dozen times. With guys that are going to be picked off quickly because they're on camera. Even when you're on Academy Award winner. Yeah, they said he was with two men with messenger bags.

Yeah, late at night. That's going to be the profile now. Fucking bicycle messengers are going to be pulled over left and right. I just bought one. I know. My messenger bag. I keep tape to my body. That is, I mean, you would have to be a Hollywood guy to be able to access 50 bags of heroin at night, you know.

To be able to do that, just like, well, let me run down to the ATM. How many bags you bring in? Is this like small baggies? Probably, but, you know, each one's probably. Probably not, you know, fucking garbage sacks. A lawn and garden bag, 32 gallon. bag, a 32-gallon. That's a good thing about the gem show is

going on in Tucson, which makes this place crazy. It's three weeks long, though. Those are the only people who use those little baggies. Oh, yeah. If you're a fucking crack dealer, have

some turquoise on you. Well, yeah. they're similar groups too they're really they're really shower they're real intent on one thing their teeth are coming out they got the little plastic baggies lots of animals yeah i've done my share of both well i'd say go on death pool because it's you do so much research that you start feeling sorry for somebody and then maybe i should do a benefit for this guy i actually had a gem shop for a short time in death valley yeah that's that's way too inside that's a way too you had to be their story but it was in the top 15 nights of my life was the...

Hidden Gems. Room 10 Hidden... Hidden Gems. No, no. Hidden Treasures and Comedy Club. Well, we used to do this party in Death Valley at a place called Panamint Springs, which I strongly suggest,

if you want to fucking just rehab yourself, just disappear there. But there's all four of them. But not if we're having a party. No, you have to go when uh no one else goes which is during the hottest time of the year well when you if you really want to rehab you go to that one dead ballarat out past where charles banson was until where me and my brother david hitchhiked to the town of panama city and that is way up in the hills you can only

get there by a death march and you pray that the story is true that there's cabins with running water which there are there's like a pillows there's like aspirin you know but like hunting cabins in alaska that are just there for the town the last the like last person there leaves you something so you can start a fire and make gruel it was a big blow-up town right before darwin and it was up in the hills so then they got washed out so like everybody died in a couple of days or something bad but uh so this town's still there and that's where you should go if you really want to dry out because you know i've been thinking about that because my fucking lungs are so bad now.

Where can I disappear for three weeks and just be... If I'm away from cigarettes, I'm too fucking lazy. You could go there. You'd need a guide to get you up there, and then they leave you, and you'd have running water. Sounds like you know how to get there. I'd do it here, except I have too many people that come over all the time. I have too many smoker friends over all the time I have too many

smoker friends that just stop by for a thing I'm like give me a cigarette now now but even here if I didn't have any friends I'm too lazy to walk the two blocks down to the corner store to get cigarettes so that would work for me

hey I have to be honest when I hear Darwin, Panama Springs, I get very nostalgic for that area out there. I tried to go. I went, I left Christmas morning. We had a Christmas Eve party. I,

and I don't know if you know the feeling in Bisbee right here. Yeah. My, my home. And we had so much fun that I woke up with, you know, you wake up with that guilt of, Oh, I had so much fun that I woke up with, you know, you wake up with that guilt of, Oh,

I had too much fun. I must've said the wrong thing or done something bad. And the house is completely trashed. Usually like super bowl, mostly outside. We put TVs outside. You don't have to see it when you wake up Christmas Eve. We had a bunch of,

you know, our friends locally. It's fucking destroyed in the house i woke up i remember one bad bad thing i said uh you outed no one knows these people anyway so it'd be boring trickle back memories of what happened during boozing and i was thinking about just taking a long road trip anyway but then i woke up with the fear and the anxiety and I just took my dog, the one dog I thought was better than the

other dog at road tripping, and just drove for days through Nevada, and I was going to end up back at Panamint Springs. I was going to quit smoking on this trip, but then I'm in Nevada. But you woke up from the party, and instead of taking the pizza out of the record player,

you got a dog and a car and left. Right. I just bailed. All right. And, yeah, I went to a Tribble gig in Winnemucca, Nevada, which I've always said, if you're a young comic and you want to get started, comics email me all the time like, hey, I need some advice. I'm just new.

I'm writing jokes. How do you get started? Ask the guy that's just a little bit above you that's a little more successful how to get started. Because I don't know. I haven't got started for 23 years. I'm not a guy. And it's changed. It's changed dramatically.

Yes. And I don't know how you'd get if I had if I were whitewashed fucking what's a eternal sunshine of the fucking whatever. Here's one I use it. Yes. Nobody. I mean, when I was going to finish that sentence. Well, anyway, I didn't give advice. But here's a good piece of advice I gave is to go.

Well, who are you trying to call, Tribble? And go, well, tell Tribble that you're through working for Pat Wilson because she doesn't pay. She rips you off. But I told him, call all three agents and act like you're working for the other two. First of all, these people are so irrelevant except for very minor parts of the country. Oh, I know, but you just pit one against the others and say, this guy, you know, I'm not –

Good advice. And then they might want to see a tape or whatever, but you establish you work for this one and this one. But after what they polled – If you live in a town where there's two clubs where they hate each other's guts, yeah, play a favorite. I just – who was it? Just work with someone, and I said, hey, if you want to get work, distance yourself.

Oh, it was San Diego. I go, distance yourself from me, because that club owner, I just pissed him off. And if you act like you're on his side, you'll get work. I'd do that if I were young. Yeah, say I was a dick. My favorite part is, oh, if you're starting out uh sending a vhs tape of yourself yeah that's what i would that's how they told me to get started that's the advice i'd pass on to you it's almost worth like doing something weird like blair witch thing in front of it make

a look like you're murdering somebody and then have a little bit of your comedy in front of it hey do you get a chance to see that tape i'm coming on out i'd like a feature spot i was thinking about there's a couple clubs that won't book me let's get that way uh grapefruit but i thought it would be funny oh wait ah fuck i forget we were talking about having oh junior do that do that. Yeah. Yeah, that was Junior. Like, hey, we should set up Junior to try to get work like that. Yeah. And send a VHS tape with an awkward headshot and a fucking poorly written resume.

And maybe a T-shirt with my spray pen. And the worst bio ever. He talks about things that everyone can relate to. You remember writing your first bio? You have no credit. It's still out there. You have to use the phrase, and he never looked back. He was voted Calvary's favorite comic, and he never looked back.

Vernon Hills' number one comic. Watch out. Watch out, comedy. There's a new up-and-comer that's storming the scene. Voted. Voted 1989's Fresh Face. Well, we'd punch it up. We wouldn't put a date on it.

Zoe Friedman was Bud Friedman's daughter. Bud Friedman's daughter who runs Originator of the Improv Chain. His daughter Zoe Bud Friedman's daughter Bud Friedman's daughter Who Bud Friedman Runs the Originator of the improv chain His daughter Zoe Who we worked with

On the man show Yeah she was a hot shot She actually started as the The booker for Letterman That's what I'm saying When she was a booker for Letterman I was a couple few years in I had nothing but shit

For jokes But I sent her one of those micro-cassette tapes of my act with one of the headshots from a booth. One of those vending booths. Yeah, where you get four of them.

And I did get a letter back. She was amused by the idea that I would do that. But she was kind enough to go, that was funny. Can I send in a laser disc? A 45. And then I did audition for Letterman once

when I first moved to L.A. in like 96, probably. So before... Maybe 98, because I remember doing the uh doug flutie uh bit about how water noggin yeah if i had a i don't know if i i'd probably be a shake the baby kind of parent and and if what if you have a fucked up baby and it's doug doug flutie's every every sunday during football the what the quote back to my manager was, yeah, Doug Flutie's flipper baby will not be on David Letterman anytime soon. So before 96 or 97, when you think you moved to L.A.?

I moved there in 95. The audition was sometime while I lived there when I was with Joanne Astro. But before that, the point I was trying to make was you were living in your car for a number of years. Yeah, for years. That's when you first came up to Anchorage was you were still living in your car. Living out of my car. Out of, yeah. It's not like I could fly home and get in a car.

I was just driving around and staying on friends' couches if I had time off. But I had no permanent address or home for December 92 to December 95. I moved to L.A. But I was living like that anyway as a young guy. And I lived like when I was doing fraud telemarketing. I was living usually on someone's couch or fucking crack house. How long were you in? You were in Eugene, Oregon. For about a week or two weeks.

Oh, you weren't there long. After I moved to Idaho, we started doing our own fraud telemarketing. We were like, we can do this. We just need leads and a phone. We can live anywhere in the country. We don't have to fucking get commission from these cocks there because we can rob people. So we moved to Massachusetts Massachusetts back home for like a

year like this it's way overpriced back that's like 1988 I was paying 600 bucks a month for a shitty apartment it's outrageous so it does include utilities and so we moved to Idaho as a

goof because we're just we literally threw a dart at a map but it hits somewhere out west like Wyoming where there's no town. West-ish. Let's just pick Boise. Sounds funny. Let's move to Boise.

It's a long story. But, yeah, I ended up trying to do fraud telemarketing on my own. I moved up to a cabin in Crouch, Idaho. Way, way away from Boise, too. I moved up to a cabin in Crouch, Idaho. Way, way away from Boise, too. And then I was by myself in a town of no chicks, and I'm 21 or 22 at the time, and there's nothing to fuck.

I lasted about six months of drinking myself, fucking leaving Las Vegas style. It was like Bisbee, where it was a town of 400 people, where the bar opened when she got there, around noon. So I'd just be driving back and forth at noon waiting for her to get there. And I go, I can't do this. So I moved to Eugene for a week or two. Evil Knievel's brother or. Robbie?

No, no. His brother ran a scam telemarketing place there, but he fucked me over. So I moved back to Vegas and started comedy. We were just in Crouch. Oh, yeah. And we left immediately. We were going to stay the night. Like, no, this place is scary now.

We went to the place to eat. I remember this. We went to the place to eat dinner. Chicken fingers? Yeah, and it was all... I mean, we thought this was a place to eat dinner. We sit down and everything came to us in baskets after two of our choices. They didn't order the meat this week, but everything on the menu was gone. But we thought, hey, maybe someone will remember who I am and or we'll be welcomed.

And it was no, you know, it was like It was like we were white guys walking into a black bar and the record skips that kind of vibe. But they're all white people. But who are you? And we ordered dinner at a place we thought was a restaurant. And basically, we got served like we were at a softball game. Keep the story going. I'm going to piss really bad.

There's no story. That's couch. I want to hear more about baskets chicken finger baskets yeah i remember that the gal was it was like weather beaten like 40 years smoker honey i gotta tell you we're out of we're out of meat it's like whoa like we ordered the sirloin which is like 22 we still haven't looked around to see that everyone else is actually eating out of baskets with the red and white checkers

yeah this is a fucking restaurant right and then she tells honey we're out of meat it's like you mean there's no beef available here

it's like nah they didn't cut the meat and that's a lie't cut the meat. And that's a lie. Because if the meat was there, someone would have cut it. That's how they got you out of the bar? It's Crouch, man. They're not paying their bills.

No, their general demeanor got us out of the bar and the town. I know we've been driving for 11 hours, but we can hump one more hour out and get to Boise. And I'm glad we did. Yeah, let's wrap this up. Our sponsors are the Haymarket Squares. I'm sure you Google them, hire them for an event. They're out of Phoenix. They're fun. They're weird.

Are you sponsored by Saks Underpants? I'm not sponsored by anyone. I'm sponsored. Some guy is giving me shit on Twitter today, calling me a shill. And then it's just as I blocked him. But this is endless thing. Someone from the UK. Oh, by the way.

Yes, I will be playing the UK probably September, October ish, unless something weird happens. And we have the threat of something weird happening but it's been a threat since august and now so uh yes i will be coming there just get on the mailing list at my website you can be on my twitter you can be on my facebook those will all go the way of myspace get on my mailing list at dougstandup.com spend two seconds and fucking do it because we do underground shows occasionally here and there and invite only just so you have an incentive to do that because fuck those people. They'll go the way of MySpace, and I'll never find you again,

and you'll never know I'm playing there because I won't be on your local. Anyway. And check out my MySpace page. What was I in the middle of saying when I was kind of closing? That guided me to, I will be in the UK. Anyway. But you're saying. Oh, yeah.

Some guy called me a fucking shill for Delta. Yes. Delta. Fucking. If Popov won't have me as a spokesman, you think Delta? I promote things I like. And Delta has done fine by me, and I like Schill. Yep. I think you're very clear about that.

Well, you know why? Delta, because I'm a smoker, and they have the fucking Atlanta has smoking bars and cubicles. That's their hub. They have a hub in Salt Lake City. They have smoking big smoking Cincinnati is smoking that's not a big hub anymore but Vegas yeah Vegas has they just had a reasonably priced club sandwich I would be uh pitching for them you can't pack your own fucking lunch this makes this another thing about travel that sickens me and you can't do airline

material anymore it's fucking unforgivable even though this generation well forever in the 80s everyone's doing airline material that was the number one premise you know i could never say is hackneyed here the point is it's changed so much in the 80s people bitched about the shitty food on airplanes and now they bitch that they don't get food on why do you think you're fucking guaranteed to get food just bring food with you

you fucking asshole here's what sucks and it's a natural progression I still didn't know how to open those peanuts but well how do you open those peanuts but for a while you could use box cutters and then the whole thing with 9-11 and i'm back to i just don't even want them i'm trying to burn them with a lighter they're taking me off of the plane

hat that what's the deal here oh it Always close on your best guest. That was Mr. Andy Andrus, Junior Stopka, Greg Chaley. I will see you on the road sometime in March of 2014. We start in the southeast. And thanks for listening. Good night. That was Andy Andrus. And that was that podcast.

And I am going to try to quit smoking. And so who knows? Maybe I won't be able to talk. Hey, this podcast is sponsored today by Impractical Jokers on True TV every Thursday at 10 and by Doug Stanhope dot com, my own goddamn website. If you get on the mailing list there, don't trust that Facebook and Twitter will be around forever. You're not going to find me anywhere. But Doug Stanhope dot com. Get on the mailing list i don't fucking give you any problems but i will give you dates when we go out because we're going

to do uh mailing list only shows where the only way you're going to find out is last minute through the mailing list if we have a night off we've been on the road where we go, hey, yeah, we get two nights off in a row and we're stuck somewhere between Toledo and Detroit and like, I don't want this night off. I'd rather be out drinking. We can do last minute shows like that if you're on the fucking mailing list. So do

that. Play the matoid. You've been listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast, recorded live in the Funhouse, Bisbee, Arizona, with Doug Stanhope, Andy Andrus, Junior Stavka, and Greg Shaley,

engineered and produced by me, Greg Shaley. Opening song by Mishka Shubale, Party Time by The Mattoys, both available on iTunes. This podcast is sponsored by Impractical Jokers, Thursdays at 10 on CTV, and the upcoming Doug Stanhope eBay Yard Sale. Join the mailing list at DougStanhope.com for all the info and first chance to bid.

Find out about all of Doug's upcoming tour dates by joining the mailing list at DougStanhope.com. Thanks for listening. Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time. Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time. Everybody! Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time. One more! Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time. Here we go Party time

Party time Party time Yeah Party time, yeah! Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, hey! Party time! Hey! Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do