The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #210: Doug Stanhope & Bert Kreischer LIVE SwapCast

Episode Date: May 24, 2017

Recorded May 20, 2017 at the Bisbee Royale in Bisbee, AZ in front of a LIVE audience with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Bert Kreischer (@BertKreischer), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Lynn Shawcroft (@Shawcroft), Brett Erickson (@IBrettMyPants), Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Engineered by Seany Hicks. Produced & Edited by Chaille. Bartenders Ms. Tracey and Bingo.This episode is sponsored byBlueApron.com. Get you first 3 meals for FREE by signing up at BlueApron.com/STANHOPE (@blueapron) and Tio Ceddy's Agua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List to get first crack at Future tickets.Closing song, "Party Time", by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes.LINKS:- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/store- Jay Medicine Hat - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0hxQXJG4P0- Erik Myers - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8PxOFol0xI- Steve Hughes - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYk5k-vL_Ek- John The Ragin' Cajun Morgan - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXqQzNMJQg4Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Open the curtains Shawty! Welcome. Welcome to... Welcome to a delightful fireside chat with the Doug Stanhope podcast. Thank you all for coming. This is going to be weird. We try to figure out how this works. We don't know. We haven't done it.

It's a brand new art form for us, live podcasting. So it's going to get fucked up and weird. So make yourselves at home. Take care of your waitstaff, and they will overpour you. Don't drive. I get a lot of notes. Everyone's fucking wrecked. It's usually me.

Yeah, try not to heckle too much. Don't answer rhetorical questions, because we do have to put this out. So are you ready for the cast? Let's bring everyone out. First, right here, I believe, is my co only job, Mr. Greg Chaley. That fifth chair over there, we're going to have people coming in and out of that. But our special guest that came all the way back to Bisbee, because you sold him the first time,

Bert the Crusher Crusher! Bert the Machine! See, while we were getting drunk, Bert, what happened was, on the top of my list of notes get Bert's credits because I wanted to bring you out with all your credits what's the name of the Netflix special I don't have one what no I uh Showtime Showtime oh they still have that they still have cable Patrice O''Neill did a Showtime special a long time ago, probably like

13 years ago. I went to the filming and I brought some friends and he got done and we were in his green room and I said, hey man, congratulations. And he looks at me and goes, it's Showtime. Alright. Fuck your special because I'm not done bringing the most important people out.

Here's our bar staff, Tracy and Bingo. I just figured this out. We're recreating the fucking funhouse. I just figured this out. We're recreating the fucking fun house. Yeah. Oh, my God. I just figured this out. Oh, my God. Look, they even painted the stage.

I swear to God, when we got on stage, I go, what the fuck's up with the tiki bar? Oh, fuck. This is going to be so much fun. This is T.O. Setti's bar. T.O. Setti's. We'll explain it later. We looked at this beforehand. I saw the backdrop Are you fucking shitting me?

It says the fun house and I didn't realize it It was dark Hang on It says fun house in lights I gotta get the last I gotta get the last introduction First person because he's the drunkest, sitting in, you might know, Mr. Brian Hennigan, the filthy uncut Scotsman.

Hey, diva. All right, sorry. I know too many fucking faces, so I'll try to look this way. Motherfucker. Kreischer just came out of a serious bender. He has not slept, and he's refusing any offers of uppers because he's heard the bad Yelp reviews about Bisbee below. Great place to move

and fold your clothes for an hour. He just came out of the, what's it called? Vegas Crapshoot Comedy Festival. Some shitty festival in Vegas where he hasn't slept since Vegas. And we've been going since. I've been going pretty hard in the paint. Yeah, that's all I can say.

I've been partying pretty hard. I was partying yesterday. I got the IV. I got the B12 shot. And then I started drinking at six in the morning to do press and I drank all day did a show two shows last night drank all night slept two hours came in here drank all in the time of the plane if my liver makes it I'll be shocked that's what I say every time I go to the fun house I said to my doctor the last time I went

to a physical I said this is the last time I'm gonna come in here and go am I house. I said to my doctor the last time I went to a physical, I said, this is the last time I'm going to come in here and go, am I dying? Like, I said, next time I come in here, I'm going to look healthy. And she was like, You have lost a shitload of weight. I got to get a read on the audience.

I can see my Bisbee people up there. Out of towners. Alright. So I'll play to you separately. Separate but equal. Hey, I keep thinking of... When you say separate but equal, I think about when they did

Equality in America. Is that still going on? Oh, in the 60s. Not transgender, just black and white. Old school equality. You know who must have fucking been irate is the dude who made water fountains. Because he was selling them two at a time.

And they cut his business in half. Can I get a double Tito's and soda, please? No, no, no. We get a bar. We have our own bar. It's the fun house, Bert. I can't believe, I really can't believe I did

not recognize that's what we were doing. You're not really an observational comic. Is that in your act? Observationalism? No, that's a bit. A separable, equal bit. You just wasted a bit on a podcast.

I said, oh, thank you so much. That's a fucking strong bit. No, no. You just burned it. You just wasted a bit on a podcast. I said, oh, thank you so much. That's a fucking strong bit. Yeah, but I don't do jokes like that. One of the lowlights of my weekend was a tele going, I don't really like storyteller comics. And I was like, I was like, that's my whole gig. I wish I had more bits like that.

That's what Netflix said. Hennigan has been murdering it since I saw him this morning. He's been drinking since you saw him this morning. Every dog has his day. They flew out from Los Angeles together. Yes? No, we're flying back on.

We're going hard as fuck on Monday. That's right. Oh, you have no idea. Yeah, we're taking it to the streets. Taking it to the streets? Yeah, but we're keeping it real. It sounds better when a black person says it We're taking it to the street

I'm going to get really fucked up Get? Tell us about Vegas Vegas was pretty cool It was really fun No it was a piece of shit And everyone knows it in the comedy community And they'll be listening to this podcast

It's good money There you go Boom it's good money How many shows did they cancel They canceled a lot but not mine Yeah For the audience we have to Address the fact that

People are here live They tried some upstart uh comedy festival in vegas where some douchebag that didn't know how to run a festival but knew how to write a check got a lot of really good comedians there but no audience showed up i can't be a part of this because I like the guy. You haven't got your check yet. No, I got my check. Did you?

Oh, geez. Yeah, that's it. My shows are sold out. Yeah. Yeah, but you haven't gotten paid. Well, let's call Judy Brown and see what's up with that. Whoa. If I don't get paid, I'll be fucking... I'll be happy.

I could walk away from that happy. Could you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a big ego boost. It's comedy festivals. Comedy festivals are fucking insane because it is... Sometimes it's the best comics.

When we did the End of the World podcast, someone said to me, this show, for those of you who don't know, it was me, Stan Hope, Bill Burr, and Joe Rogan. Basically, yeah. I was there too. Chad Shank was there.

By the way, the people on the Marilyn Manson was there. It was a fucking insane lineup. Someone was like like you realize this would be like a $300 comedy ticket and that's the cool thing about festivals like last night I was laughing my dick off

with the funniest comics in the world and just howling laughing we flew they flew us out in a private jet this is where I knew they lost money

they flew us out in a private jet immediately I was like get the jet quick but man it was really fun there were a lot

of really talented comics the comedy community is the size of Bisbee just comedians yeah

so imagine if like all of Bisbee you all lived everywhere else but came here once a year for a festival you're like oh fuck I'm of Bisbee, you all lived everywhere else, but came here once a year for a festival. You're like, oh, fuck, I'm from Bisbee too.

Bisbee, Bisbee, Bisbee. That's what festivals are like, where you're meeting up with all. I see Bert maybe once a year. Yeah. I call him Hennigan too often. But my comic comedian friends, you see them only when you happen to cross paths on the road.

So when you're all in one place and you outnumber the suits and the bookers, even the audience. Fuck the audience. Yeah, we're partying. It's worth it, even if your check bounces. Yeah. Now I'm concerned

about that. Yeah, there's no way they made that money back. Yeah, you should be. Maybe half of it will bounce. Yeah. So, yeah, you're 50-50. It'll skip.

I'm sure you'll get paid after they've paid Tig Notaro and Dave Attell. Bert was only in Bisbee once before last year and it was overnight you got in at like 5 o'clock

we got shit faced and bingo had to drive you to the airport let's not get off on how that story went that was the start of the Desperate Measures Tour. Yeah. An Amber Alert and a mental institution later, here you are. Oh, you have no idea.

There's so many secrets about that drive that I wanted to share. Because, yeah, we won't get into it. Don't tell us. St. David is boring. It was really fucking... It was like getting a secret. Bingo was like, I'm running away.

And I was like, what the fuck do I do with this knowledge? Call Doug. Doug called me and he was like, are you with Bingo? I was like, I am. I got a secret. I don't want to tell you yet. I swear to God,

there's so many things I wanted to leave. I was going to have Washtub Willie close the show with a song, but he's out of town. He's out of town? Isn't he always out of town?

I guess he lives out of town. He doesn't have a town. I thought that was his gig. Yeah, that was a fun... That was really fun. Well, tomorrow, he says he has a lot of plans. Oh, I got big plans tomorrow.

You have plans? Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I have a lunch planned. A lunch? Yeah, I want to do like a big lunch where we all go out. I so badly want to get dressed in suits and play tennis. We can do that.

We still have the rackets we haven't used for 10 years. I think I might just take a Xanax, though. Yeah, that's what I assume. When you were saying that, after telling me you have not slept since Vegas, yeah, you have a lot of plans for lunch and shopping and stuff. I just want to experience it all. That's the problem with me. I have a hard time saying no.

You could do that tonight. Yeah, this is pretty much it, Bert. The women in Bisbee, can we all agree, are the hottest women in the world. I've seen so many fucking hot chicks. I told you. He's been drinking for fucking days. I told you those three sisters you were talking to you know the three sisters shenanigans their names are the shenanigans then there are three sisters yeah they're Irish and they're called the shenanigans? They're three sisters. Only one of them lives here.

The shenanigans? Talk about a threesome. Oh, I had a threesome with the shenanigans. Sounds like you had a threesome and got the shenanigans. Oh, I could start a new family here. This is where I want to tell

the Lynn Shawcroft story that just happened. Lynn, should I not tell that I want to tell the Lynn Shawcroft story that just happened. Oh, yeah. Oh. But, Lynn, should I not tell that story right now? No, you should. No, definitely tell it. I'm waiting for Lynn to say no. She's too busy talking.

Is she not? If you're not fucking listening, then fuck you. Yeah. You goddamn airplane no-show. There she is. So can I tell this story or not? Yes or no? The one that just happened in front of the house across from the shenanigans.

All right. All right, Lynn. I knew we should have miked backstage. My God. Let me set the scene. So. We pull up in a... We'll bring you out later because you're going to come up.

Yeah. Back to this. Lynn's a bit daffy. Okay. Lynn, she's a wreck. I'm trying to find a local reference, but you're not local mostly. So go ahead, set the scene. So we're in a surprisingly expensive Suburban.

For Bisbee, you mean? I have two Picaninny dolls in the back. The Suburban costs more than Chaley's house. And we're heading to the Mexican border. Me and Brett Erickson are on the way back. Doug realizes he recognizes a girl. This is an hour ago. Girl playing the ukulele in the street.

And he says hi to her. It's a shenanigans. Her two sisters comes out. And we're waiting for lynn the whole time we're waiting for lynn this isn't this uh what's that movie with george clooney with the big teeth oceans 11 no the site sirens oceans 12 oh no old brother where are you weren't there three sisters like that? Three sirens. It's almost like a fucking, the Iliad and the Odyssey. Three sisters come out. One's playing a ukulele. Two are kind of hot.

Hang on. No one's wearing gloves. I did not make this connection earlier. It couldn't burn. But Bert was incredibly drawn to leave the suburban. I was. Wait, wait. You're not setting the scene.

The scene is we have to be here at 7 o'clock sharp. Lynn Shawcroft says, don't leave me behind. I'm going to have my phone on. We're at the Airbnb over behind the house. And I call her. Doesn't answer. Then I call her. Then I go straight to voicemail.

Then I call her. Then you get that Mexican thing where you're like, doo-doo-doo. You get the wrong signal because you're too close to the border. We're all in the suburban. No, hold on, hold on.

Doug is talking to three sisters. We're not there yet. This is when we have to go bang on her fucking door We have to bang on Shawcroft's door at the Airbnb I go in saying hey we're leaving Everyone's waiting out front Now it's after 7 and I walk in

She's naked from the top up And she's got partials like a lot of us We're missing a lot of teeth It's been a long road Fortunately mine are all in the back. Hers, so she's got fucking spatial fucking missing teeth, naked, and I thought she got out of the shower, but the Airbnb has no air conditioning,

so it's just sweat. She's just up there top of the sweating. She goes, my phone was charging. But Doug's statement to us is, surprisingly nice breasts. Oh, she always has that nice

breasts. Surprisingly nice breasts. But then, Doug separates to talk to the three sisters. And we're sitting there waiting for them. Shawcroft says, give me 90 seconds. I'll be right down. I go, well, just come like you are. And then she mocked.

And Shawcroft might have done it. Come here just sweating, topless, and toothless. She's that cool. But I go, no, no, no, no. Like there are no teeth? No, she's got some. i go no no no no like there are no teeth no she's got some she's got she came here with no teeth like i'm just gonna do this well all right now we get to where i'm gonna have to wait the fortunately i had a road cocktail and that's when the other eight of you fat bastards are stuck in the eighth row of the suburban we're. We're waiting for Lynn. The line is perfect

on the way it was delivered. So Doug is sitting in the middle of the street talking to these three sisters. Lynn comes out, no shoes, toothbrush in her mouth, brushing her teeth, gets in the car, and someone says, hey, I think you forgot your teeth. No, no, no, no, no.

Chad. It was Doug who fucking... She ran out, spilled her purse. She gave Doug cigarettes and a toothbrush and some other stuff. Well, she spilled her purse in the road as she's jumping in. All of her shit goes everywhere, and I said, I assume you have your teeth on you? And then she went...

Oh, shit. I'm going to run back up. But wait, the line is, Doug goes back to talk to his sister and then stops. And turns around and sticks his head in the suburb and he goes, she brought her toothbrush but not her teeth.

I'm picking up all of her shit that spilled on the street out loud to himself but to us and then we watch her go oh it was the fucking party all of us fat bastards stuck in the suburban

we're laughing our ass off that's why I knew these are completely pointless. Like, we're trying to, hey, how do we do a live podcast and make it entertaining? Yeah, we got some stories there if we need them, but just getting

here. Oh. Oh. Did you take your teeth out? I can't see. That's because they're looking away. For the listener of the podcast uh Shacroft just stuck her head out the window laughing style missing teeth

saying I lose them a lot but people say they just can't tell where it's the joke is fuck the listener you said laughing style I think you lost everybody laughing style see I told you lost everybody with laugh in style. Yeah, that's... See, I told you, Shawnee. Do you have one more thing you need to repeat down there?

You... Listen. If you don't have teeth, it seems like you're poor. But not having teeth costs so much money to do anything on there. Hold on. Lynn, Lynn, I'm going to... Was that... Lynn, save it for later.

We're going to bring you out last. We tried to listen to Bert's phenomenal stories on the drive from Tucson today. And Bert would say, oh, yeah, one time I killed a guy with an ice pick. And she goes, you know what I like is Iceys. Italian ice. He's got great stories and one word sends her straight into boring. Yeah, I was very glad you were gripping

the wheel at that point because you were so visibly angry. And the booze shakes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to drive and listen at the same time? There's a part of my brain that was like, I can't believe I'm letting Stan Hope

drive me three hours somewhere. Like part of you goes like, fuck, this is white knuckling it. No, I... It was like the River Wilds have been sober for three hours in 20 years. No shit. When I sleep, I assume, we stayed overnight.

And anyway, we pick up Bert at the airport. And I had one beer waiting for him. But he shows up needing a drink really bad. And so we go back to the hotel we'd stayed at where my beer is waiting for me. And I chugged my beer and he's like, yeah, I need a drink. But I think you thought that I'd been drinking the whole time. I definitely did.

But you didn't seem worried. That is a safe assumption. Because I, I would never drive drunk. I don't ever. That's true. Lynn was lit. No, she had one drink.

It's going to bring her back. She was lit. Beetle juice. Beetle juice. Point being... Thank you so much. Point being, I tell Bert, we get a Suburban. Yeah, you can drink on the drive. Let's not sit here any longer at this bar.

Just drink because we're going to be late anyway getting back. Drink. And then when we stopped at the Pilot for mixers, because I always have booze in the car, not for me, but for guests. I'm a host. We got booze in the car, just drinking the back of the Suburban. We stopped for mixers, and you looked at me, and you said, what do you got, iced tea?

Yeah, I thought you were drinking. I didn't put it together until later. Oh, he's wondering what mixer I'm having when I'm driving two hours. No, I'm not drinking. Who cuts vodka with iced tea? I swear to God, I was like, I guess that's my new drink, iced tea and vodka. It's not bad. I've done that.

Bert had no expectation that you would be sober driving him home from Tucson. That's the white knuckling. When Chaley is not here, I'm a very good mirror of Chaley. I take care of my shit. But if you're here, oh no. It's over. Fuck you.

It's your job now. Off the charts. Breakfast. That's the Bisbee jury right there That's all of our friends Oh is that Margo is here? Oh fuck Margo is here You left me a message

Saying you weren't coming Nurse Betty is here Neighbor Dave is here Lucy St. John from Redbone If you want to buy a fucking Doug Stano per bingo outfit, Nurse Betty's back there. Gabe. Oh, Gabe, you came

anyway? You fucking cunt. Gabe. I got you, Jeff. Don't worry. I'm going. I can't do everyone. Hang on, Jeff. You've never even been mentioned on the podcast. Nobody knows who you are. I'm talking to the people.

We love you. Gabe, right before the show tonight, text me. There's some confusion. Is this a comedy show tonight or a podcast? Not that your podcasts aren't funny. All sarcastic. Like throws a dagger of doubt into your heart.

Clearly on brown paper tickets it says, this will not be a comedy show. Actually on the... I know, but perceptivity is not Gabe's strong point. That's true. Google that word, Gabe, and come back to us when you... I think he's strong point. That's true. Google that word, Gabe, and come back to us.

I think he understood strong point. Bert, your tomorrow, should you make it through? What are your plans? You want to have lunch somewhere. Where do you want to have lunch? Do you want to go to Mexico? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Ooh. Actually, I was thinking of a cool place lunch somewhere. Where do you want to have lunch? Do you want to go to Mexico? Oh, yeah. Actually, I was thinking of a cool place that has a lot of earthy tones. Poco. And I wanted to have a big table and people would be showing up. I wanted people to say stuff like, last night was fucking crazy, right? And I was like, ah. Big table.

I think Poco is the only place. By the way, when you say tomorrow is going to be fucked up, you sent me the note. But just tell people there is an after party after this boondoggle. The green wristband. You got them? Green wristbands? All right. Yeah, it's down the street, and then you take a left.

Walk. Just ask someone where's Elmo's, and then go across the street to where the crowd of people you are a left. Walk. Just ask someone where's Elmo's and then go across the street to where the crowd of people you're sitting next to are. Not giving specific directions is how we weed people out. If you can't figure it out, it's not that big a town.

They're going to be at Elmo's. What does this get me? I have a green wristband. Elmo's is like the Bisbee Lung Fung. What was that? That's why we put you on first. We'll put in Erickson

at any moment. Who's on first? There's an after party there. Once we're done and we're selling merch. Selling merch and hanging out. We'll be over there. You're going to find merch? You're going to buy merch?

Wait, you guys said there was going to be an open mic at the after party. What? We said a lot of things. Well, I was just questioning. I don't remember. I don't know. Is there a mic?

Well, that seemed like the most interesting part of the whole evening to me. We signed contracts and then immediately disowned them. So what? The after party is just a sting. Breakfast. Who's staying the weekend? Breakfast, morning's cafe in the Warren District.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. Someone will direct you to the Bisbee Breakfast Club or whatever. No, they have great food. They have great food. It's too far. For us. Where we live in the Warren District, keep Warren boring,

they have a morning's cafe where I go because it's stumbling distance from my house, but I still drive. Everyone knows my name. With iced tea. I want to do this just for Bisbee. Bisbee Breakfast Club has t-shirts that say, I couldn't wait to, I saved this for this

podcast. I couldn't wait to... I saved this for this podcast. They have their slogan is Bisbee Breakfast Club often copied, never duplicated. If you have any kind of marketing sense, first of all, you're stealing a hackneyed, cliched catchphrase wrong.

It's often imitated, never duplicated. But you have often copied, never duplicated, which mean the same thing. So they wear these T-shirts with pride as they serve the tourists. And I ate there once because it was a Thursday, and I know that because that's the only day that Mornings is closed. So I went there for breakfast,

and I said to them that I brought up the T-shirt thing, and they said, well, copied and duplicated, and they stuttered. They never thought of it. I'm just trying. Here's the thing. You know how I am on stage. You can't be a dick in a small town like that.

So I'm trying to passive aggressively be a cocksucker where I'm like, your fucking T-shirt makes no sense. But I had to do it like shuffle and jive. You know how we get along. We all get along here. And then once they got through their bad explanation, I said, haven't you opened another location?

And they go, no. Two and a third in the works. So, so, they're worse than you. Because if you try to copy, but you can't duplicate those other locations, I should stay away.

I left it at that. Check, please. Hey, when we were in high school, our coach made us T-shirts for our baseball team that said, 10% talent, 100% hard work. Did it say, we suck on the back?

My buddy Dean Kent got the shirt and he goes, how about 1% retarded? Is this Matt DiNero? I wish I still had that shirt. I didn't understand anything you said in that last one. I like that fan. Are we going to talk about Bisbee stuff now? Yeah, we're done with Bisbee stuff.

I thought we were going to talk about the Copper Queen. What? The Copper Queen. You said you wanted to talk about the Copper Queen. Yeah, it's on there. Oh, what? Hold, please. I wanted to talk to Bert. He's our guest. He's the fucking star., yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's the fucking star. Yeah. Bert the Conqueror. Is that... The machine. Nope. The machine. Let me drop some credits for the locals.

Is your travel channel show still on, Bert the Conqueror? Is that still going? I got fired. It's on somewhere, though. Did they replace you with another Bert? No. How about Triplip? Bert Convey is dead.

I Googled it. That's how I got Bert Kreischer as a guest. I go, is Convey available? No, he's dead. What about Bert Kampfert? Bert Kampfert is the number one Bert. Yeah, like when I Googled myself a lot. Fucking Germans.

No, they, yeah, yeah. I'm not working for Travel Channel anymore. So, wait, you had something. Well, fuck those credits. Yeah, fuck that. All right. Don't see Bert anywhere except on Showtime. You guys, everyone in Bisbee steals everything anyway. They find it on YouTube and do that.

We're talking about that today. The only reason I'm selling any tickets right now is because of Facebook. Fucking, I had videos that went viral on Facebook. What's Facebook? Holy shit, man. You were right about this town. Yeah, welcome to Bisbee.

They all got ukuleles, but no one's got a computer. There's three... Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, I had a bunch of shit go viral on Facebook. They all got ukuleles, but no one's got a computer. There's three. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, I had a bunch of shit go viral on Facebook, and it was the best thing that ever happened. We were talking about this today. I was like, I just want to do a special and put it on fucking Facebook.

I know. I explained why you should not do that. I know, but I still disagree. Uh-huh. Well, we'll talk about that on the flight back. All right. Oh, we're going to have a fun flight back. I have to announce, let me look at my watch, because we will be taking an intermission

so you can smoke and shit. Yeah, I'll let you know. I know. It's like an old school movie. It's like Dr. Zhivago. Yeah. I'll do my material. We'll do crowd rap while we're doing intermissions and people are smoking. So you feel like you came for a reason and you were acknowledged.

And I'll go, hey, what do you do? And then I'll just, that's great. And then, hey, where are you from? I just told myself this would be like a regular podcast, except a bunch of people staring at you. But I didn't ever take into the fact that this would be the first podcast where I just couldn't smoke weed whenever I wanted to.

Believe me, that's what made me think of intermission. I can smoke cigarettes, weed, however. But he has a rape story. You're going to be here the whole time. I'm not going anywhere now. It's not a rape story. Are we teasing that? Do you want to do that after the break?

You might want to hit it. Bert and I have a couple things. You know what? Oh, fuck. That's a great tease, by the way. We'll save the rape thing. That's a great tease. Well done. Let's close on this.

Because it's soft. I have it in my notes, but I'd get Shawcroft in for this. It's just road trivia shit. Maybe I shouldn't do this. Maybe I should check. What are you doing? No, no. I know what you're doing.

This will take longer than to cut into a break. We'll end on that. All right, yeah. No, you got gotta keep going. You got some more time here. Chad Shank, you were raped when you were a kid. I didn't mean that. Oh, shit.

This is not how I thought this story was going. See, this took a turn that I didn't know this was gonna... Hey, T.O. Sedes. T.O. Sedes. T.O. Sedes, everybody. The perfect Bloody Mary mixer. Nurse Betty sells that. T.O. Seddy's.

We got ours today at Ace Hardware. Yeah. It's industrial. T.O. Seddy's. For the stories you don't want to tell in this town at Ace Hardware. Yeah. Ace Industrial. Teal City. For the stories you don't want to tell. In this town. At Ace Hardware. I bought a book on tape by a local author that was fantastic.

People's History of Bisbee. But they sold it at the hardware store. It's a fucking great town. Why don't you live here? Tom Konopka, you should be selling fucking houses instead of blue apron here the fucking perfect host alright should we do whatever you want

should we do a break yeah let's have someone get a pizza yes I would love a pizza right now take a break we're gonna take a small intermission. So let's say seven minutes, because that's how long a cigarette takes.

We'll play some music. Ooh, ooh, can I pick the music? But of course. I want heart crazy on you. Accept that song. What? I don't know the fucking internet here. I've got 30 days in the hole music.

Can you play Bird Cloud? Yes, I can play Bird Cloud. Bird Cloud. Everyone loves the Bird Cloud. Too late. Alright, and now we're at break. Don't worry. When we say we're at break, you're at break, but don't

think we're not recording. Don't come up and say, hey, I'm fucking this problem child while my wife is in the fucking insane asylum. She's only 15, but she wanted to meet you.

Because they're taping still. We will record that. Alright, so are we going to take a break? Let's do some, yeah, you go take a break. This is a break. No, I'm going to play music. Oh, fuck yeah, that music thing. And so he can tell his story.

I don't even know how this works. Well, we did tease him with the rape story. Are we still recording? Yeah. At this point, I have to tell the story Just so people don't think I got raped You did I'm going to fucking argue with that

Alright we're done for break Point counterpoint segment with Chad and I Please hold I think we're taking a break We'll be right back We'll play about three or four songs Hey here's Burt Kreischer's request. Burt Cloud.

Have a drink. Have a smoke. We'll be right back. Tom Kanopka, tell us about your latest victory while we were out of town of eating an entire meal for two by yourself. Let's see. Off of the last podcast, what was it? I talked about the Persian cucumber.

It was the tandoori-style chicken and rice that you had fun with. We have no idea what podcast this is coming off oh that's even better sometimes we uh yeah we we did one thing about steve harvey yeah it went out before the thing that we did after the thing or who knows the thing anyway we go out of town a lot because we go on the road and you sit here and scarf up all the free blue apron well let me see yes i do this week actually this is uh for somewhere later this week it's going to be a stir-fried wonton noodles uh with bok choy and radishes this i do look forward to because i've only i think I've done maybe one or two,

maybe one stir fry with Blue Apron that was killer. And it's back to the ferikaki. Ferikaki mushrooms? The ferikaki is back. And I didn't even remember what the hell it was, but I remember the taste. It's dried seaweed and sesame seeds. It's like a savory seasoning for fish. Yeah, but this is going to be, what I liked, I was just telling Shaley,

you get the fresh wonton noodles, and these are fresh. Anybody that's ever done any fresh pasta or anything like that, you're not doing eight to nine minutes al dente. With this, it's two to four minutes. It is a fast dish. It's got the baby bok choy, shiitake. It's a tight two to four. I'm going to cut through some bullshit right here.

Cut. I'm going to cut through some bullshit right here. Cut. Because Tom brought this up today, which is exactly what I would do. Blue Apron sends you all the exact ingredients you need to make a perfect meal. But if you're a fuck up like us, you can go, all right, it came with pork chops. I don't even give a fuck about furikake much. I'm just going to make the pork chop to a point it won't poison me. I'm going to eat that and throw the rest of the shit in the trash.

Either way, you get shit delivered to your door. Yeah, it is all good. No matter how you move it around, you end up with something that is really, really fucking. Yeah, if you want to be a smart fuck and try to impress a woman with a lot of furikake but if you don't you're just a dude sitting alone staring at your bloat belly that's blocking your netflix binge i just want to put a piece of meat in my mouth whoa like a lazy old dog slowly eating it without even cutting it. I just want to put one whole pork chop in my face and slowly chew on it like a long piece of jerky. You can do that.

You don't have to make all the – you know what? It says 40 minutes or less for these meals. Oh, no. know what it says 40 minutes or less for these meals oh no if you put a piece of meat in a microwave for like three minutes you go i get i got my first three meals free i'm gonna eat them like jerky and fuck all the couscous side i'm just gonna eat meat so I don't vomit blood after I finish off this jug of old crow. Exactly.

So what else? My words exactly. What else did you throw away? You know what? I did notice that Tom, you've actually bought bok choy separate. No, no, absolutely. This is actually something you've got a taste for. Well, vegetables.

I'm trying to eat as much of just lean proteins and vegetables and trying to cut down on carbs, but not completely. And I fuck it up by buying too much carbs and saying, hey, Tom, I'll eat anything. No, but he knows Tom has eaten anything to try to put on a little bit of muscle, but now I'm trying to back it down a little bit. And that's a great thing about Blue Apron is there's no waste if you use that product. There's no waste.

I hate waste, but I'm the only guy that eats what I eat. Bingo doesn't eat anything but weird shit. So if I want like an Egg McMuffin, huge shit so if i want like a egg mcmuffin i have to buy six fucking english muffins that will go stale or rotten or moldy before i can eat more than two yeah hey what was that thing so i sneak them into tom and somehow they end up gone how did who and then i make one of them for not losing weight. No, you call me a liar. He did take umbrage. I snuck English muffins into his fucking region, and then he goes, The kitchen, he means. I'm trying to stay off bread.

I go, I snuck you English muffins, and you ate them, you liar. And then the next day, he brought it up. Hey, when we left the Airbnb, you found something that Bingo left in a drawer. What was that? We were talking about like Bingo eats, like she has odd things, but she had left the day before.

A meal with cottage cheese, I believe. Microwaved to the point where it becomes cement and then she eats it at night. Like grout. Yummy. Toss some fucking furikake on that. Jesus Christ. But it works for her.

She's looking great. She eats it in bed at 3 in the morning. Oh, the sound. And she's too lazy to go and put it in the sink. So we're at a fucking Airbnb, and she puts it in the top drawer of the dresser and the only reason i found it i was looking for something that we never use the dressers in hotels oh yeah my eye mask from my fucking chalazion and i couldn't find it and uh and then i open a drawer and there's this half-eaten bowl of grout.

Look at the grout. You know, they rate us. If she were aware of stars that you get, bingo. You're getting publicly reviewed on our stay. And we get three stars because of your cement bowl

of stink that you left in a fucking dresser drawer. She puts empty cans of... You could put soda and put it back in the fridge. You could put a bowl of grout on the top of the dresser. You were laying a trap. We don't use dressers.

We're in hotels so much that when we go to an Airbnb, we don't use dressers. Who the fuck uses a dresser other than your grandparents when they're going to be on the cruise ship for a month hoping they die and have their ashes cast off the side? Anyway, speaking of ashes, what did you not burn from Blue Apron? Every bit of it. Every bit of it worked out great. If you follow the instructions, and it is not that fucking difficult. It really is.

I was saying it is like cook by number. If you can read and there's pictures. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not like a five by seven recipe card. It's an eight and a half by 11 sheet. Yeah. And it's not paper.

It's like card stock. No. Yeah. I mean, we keep talking about this. It's like card stock. No, yeah. We keep talking about this. But one time we have to get Bingo to do Blue Apron because she honestly will take a frozen pizza and put it in the microwave for two minutes until it's just wet.

Still cold and wet. Thawed. Eat it. Barely thawed. Yeah. So I want Barely thawed. Yeah. So I want... Yeah. We can find something.

We want to do a bingo presents blueapron.com. Oh, that would be great. The beauty is like, Tom, you get the full meat. You get whatever you want on there.

You can choose whatever you want. We can do vegetarian. We can restrict if you don't want to do pork or you don't want to do shellfish or something like that. You can... Yeah. want. We can do vegetarian. We can restrict if you don't want to do pork. You don't want to do shellfish or something like that. It's totally customizable. And you're back on – you're getting it weekly now again, right?

Yeah, yeah. Because while we were on tour, I stopped it and I forgot to tell you. No, we were on tour. I don't know if you stopped it. He didn't lose a pound. He didn't lose a pound. We were stocked. So you can go week to week.

If you're going to be gone or you want to take a break for a while, you can do that as well. I think it was Fury that busted your balls behind your back. Don't worry. I only tell the truth on the podcast. Yeah, that's good. Actually, probably everyone. Bingo.

You know what you should do for uh for exercise like uh tom you better fucking lose a few pounds before you give someone exercise advice yeah you do have good posture though oh thank you it was chaley it was chaley that did a uh Why am I doing this for the listening audience? It's good for us. It's like fucking Stern having porn stars on. I can't see you. But Tom Kanopka, you have the perfect posture with the giant fucking gut.

You walk like this. Yeah, straight back. You have a straight spine. The straightest fucking spine. Yes, it's straight up. See, the core is there. I was going to the crawl space today to try to find some pictures for the book, and I saw his weights out there, and I was going to go see if I could lift those.

Then I went, I have no interest in lifting these. But I know I couldn't have. Now I'm enjoying the fuck out of it. Hey, as always, Blue Apron has been a sponsor since we started getting sponsors recently. Every month, we really appreciate them. You can get your first three meals for free. Just go to blueapron.com slash Stanhope. That's blueapron.com slash Stanhope and get those first three meals for free.

And please do that. Get them. If you fucking hate them, tweet that you hated them. They want to know. No one has. They want to know. Nobody has. Oh, I just sent, once you get on there, in my account, it says, hey, send this to a friend.

I sent it to Brett Erickson. Oh, that's great. Because we were talking about it on the tour. And he goes, oh, this would be great. Try it. I'll send you the link. You get the first three free. So when he comes out here on the next weekend, we'll find out how it's going.

All right. That sounds like a winner. Do it. Blueapron.com slash Stanhope. Blue Apron is a better way to cook, especially if you're a hobo down in Tin Town cooking beans and weenies over an open fire, especially in Bisbee where it's fire season.

especially in Bisbee, where it's fire season. All right, everyone, a loud, loud, fake laughter and applause for all those smoking people so they think they're missing something. One, two. Fucking smokers. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, shit. And that was an Afghanistan air stewardess, Bert? What?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was from Afghanistan. We know where we're going next. But Doc Mark is here. Where's Doc Mark? He saved Bingo's life. Dr. Mark.

Dr. Mark. Dr. Mark. And the lovely Robin. Hey, good boo. Oh, I was supposed to trade you up for fucking Erickson. I forgot that part. Do it live. Beat it. Get Erickson in here.

Erickson. Erickson, take Hannigan's place. Brett Erickson. We also have Christine Levine here. Yeah! Shawcroft, she's got to wait. Yeah, crazy, all right. Goddammit, we had a bank robbery here.

Pro Flowers, I just wanted to drop Pro Flowers into this because Pro Flowers is a sponsor, uh we're not the kind of people that send flowers we don't have those kind of relationships where that's necessary so when there was a bank robbery in the warren district of bisbee even yeah we sent sent flowers to the gals that worked there. Are you serious? Yeah, and I said, the note was, put your hands up in the air and party like you just don't care. So yeah, even my audience can appreciate the use of pro flowers.

So far, our commercials have been about pre-sending a spray of flowers to your own funeral. And now a bank robbery, which I think they need more boxes to tick on what's the occasion. I used to try to write greeting cards for abortions or DUIs, and I thought that would be a funny thing to sell after shows. So many ideas out there.

Hey, can I get another thank you? The best bar in the world is where you don't have to finish your drink order. The last time I was with you guys, I got so fucked up. Yeah, I was there. That happened. I sold that. I shouldn't say this. Fuck.

Never mind. I saw videotape on Periscope of us making out against your will, which is a good segue into the next rape chunk. Oh, yeah. segue into the next rape chunk. Oh, yeah. You're not supposed to run towards me when I scream rape into a microphone.

She's a real hero. So last time you got fucked up. Sorry. No, no, no, no. It was one of the favorite nights of my entire life. It really was. And if you watch it online, I swear to God it doesn't let down. It's at the time I was shooting a vlog and I shot it

and I edited it. It's the first time I've heard Nathaniel Ratcliffe. Ratcliffe. That guy. Son of a bitch! Get me a drink! Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'll play it. And I swear to God it'll sell.

It is... I wake up at like fucking 6 in the morning. Where did you sleep even? I slept in one of the rooms. Little House. Little House. Little House. It's playing right now.

Stan Hope. Oh. Oh. Okay, okay. Here, turn it down. Turn it down. I'll stop it. All right, stop it.

Stop it so we can play it from YouTube. Listen. Oh, this is our whole fucking podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pay it. We'll take a break. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. You ready? Ready? Ready? This is me. This is six in the morning. Bingo's about to run away. I just woke up.

I am fucking so happy I came out here. This was the best choice I made. Just watch the YouTube video. Yeah. I kept saying to my wife... No, I mean like right now, take out your phone and watch the YouTube video along with the rest of it.

Unless you have T-Mobile, then do it some other place. On the roof. On the roof. For everybody who has T-Mobile, I have a Verizon hotspot available for you tonight. I said to my wife when I got home, I go, we don't sing enough out loud.

She was like, what? I go, when I was a dog, we were all singing out loud. She was like, I'm not fucking going to start singing with you. I go, but there were so many moments where we all just started singing. It was so cool. How drunk did you get her before you proposed this? Oh, my wife doesn't get

drunk. She does what we call unassisted sleeps, where she just goes to bed like a fucking Mormon and just goes, goodnight. Unassisted sleeps? Yeah, I got seven registered unassisted sleeps this year oh

I can't even fathom unassisted sleep no fucking shit I lay in bed and my brain starts losing its fucking mind going we should set some booby traps unassisted sleep for Chad is

suicide by cop that's the only way I was falling asleep that's technically assisted sleep I guess I guess you did force someone's hand oh you're coming back I saw

the empty road there and I thought maybe I'm just saying I thought maybe a lot of people left all these fucking assholes up here all my friends when we do live podcasts at the funhouse they just leave we bore the fuck

out of them but oh if we're charging money and you're gonna be here we can't wait to go listen to you babble some more alright Chad Shank We can't wait to go listen to you babble some more. All right. Chad Shank told me maybe a month ago, maybe two months ago. Time flies. Maybe a week ago. No, no.

It was before this broke his news. You're like, I heard this shit on Benson Radio. Oh, no, that was two years ago. Like I said, it's... Wow. Just as a reference of how fucked up our time reference is. Two years ago, I told you I heard this fucking... Then you brought it up again in the recent months,

where you sent me emails, because you were bait, if you don't know, locals maybe know, it's Benson, that's a long way for you even, Benson is the nether region between Bisbee and everyone else in the world that nobody knows, country radio, the guy that owns the station was playing late night PSAs about how to hide your child porn. Know this one? Not that it was wrong, but how to hide it. Oh my God. It was, and they ran, oh, it's been two years that they've been running it was a few months ago

you told me about it I emailed him two years ago when I heard it and you emailed him? because because I wanted a copy of this PSA to play on the podcast he wanted proof I asked him at least

for a transcript so I could read the PSA on the transcript so we could make fun of it. There's been definitely a handful of porns that I was like, oh, that's why I don't take my computer to the Apple bar. Quick San porn. You ever watch Quick San porn? No. Oh, no.

Quick San porn? You've got a lady that knows it. Yeah, quicksand porn's hot. I don't watch the whole thing. I'm not a creep, but like... You mean you finish early? No, right when her boobs hit the dirt, that's when it gets hot.

I swear to God, I dare you not to get your dick hard. When you see tits hit mud, you're like... Little Abbott and Costello in me unassisted sleep but yeah I never uh I can't even watch when I was when I was uh my wife started and I started dating her best friend was dating this dude and they were helping him move, and he had a magazine, Barely Legal, which, for a guy, doesn't register as kiddie porn, but to a woman goes, Barely Legal? Is he into children?

And I was helping him move, and I went, it's not a big deal, and they're like, are you serious? I was like, oh yeah, fuck that guy, he's a kiddie porn guy. So back to your story. So, but he brought this up just a couple months ago. I know. And you forwarded me the emails that you had sent to him, and he emailed back saying,

well, I'm glad someone agrees with me or some bullshit. I can read you the emails. He's like, this is the left rules this state. They're just fucking people over. Like, I don't know. It might have been the right. I don't know the difference. When fucking children is a left or right situation,

we won't have that close of elections. I was such a diplomat when I emailed this guy. I'm like, my friend is a public speaker and he would be interested in your point of view because I didn't want to be like,

my friend is a stand-up comic and he makes fun of what you're talking about. But you have to understand that the guy would have had what I could find an arguable point about the difference between looking at it versus doing it. And Arizona has outrageous, some guys doing 100 years for looking at pictures of kids

naked in sexual situations. But the difference between, you can argue that, but the dude was giving you specific directions on how to have a secondary hard drive or some shit that I don't even understand, and this is where you put your child porn. The first time I heard it, I could not

believe it. I was like, this fucking guy is telling you how to hide child pornography. On the radio, he's the owner of the station doing these as midnight PSAs. That's federally regulated. There's someone watching that, right? There's someone who's supposed to, FTC. When it hit national news recently. Last week, and Chad's like, we were going to do that on the podcast.

We would have been breaking news. This podcast would have been. It was my shining moment, like a fucking breaking news guy. Wait, wait, wait. I want all of us, because we all do reads on a podcast. I want all of us to do our read for hiding your kiddie porn. Ladies and gentlemen. Back to Taylor Swift in a moment,

but right now, I want to talk to you. Do you think about fucking Taylor Swift when you didn't want to be so mean? Go ahead, go ahead. Okay. How old is Selena Gomez? Have you been sitting there Googling myself?

Well, it's okay to jack off to her now that I've got a second hard drive for my computer. Dude, Selena Gomez is the shit. That is almost verbatim the commercial that this guy read. Erickson, you're looking at me. I realized I didn't even introduce Brett Erickson.

Did I? You did. I just, I threw Hennigan out. How about this? Do you watch Law & Order SVU and cheer for the bad guys? Cheer for the bad guys! Are you like me?

Are you Catholic? Do you like the Sixth Sense? I don't know where that was going. I don't even get that, but it's funny. Oh, no. I can't believe he was doing reads. Keep going. Well, this, after Chad,

his breaking news moment was stolen by our lethargy in getting around to doing another podcast. You had the fucking evidence. You emailed it to me and this. But we just never get around to remember. It was on Newser a couple weeks ago. I know, and then it shows up. Okay, I'm going to interject.

Sometimes what I'm witnessing right now is a moment where you see something that's so brilliant and no one realizes how brilliant it is. There's a band called LFO. Do you know who that is? Okay, the lead singer's passed away. He had leukemia. He died.

But he, yeah, yeah, yeah. Spoiler alert. I know, I know. By the way. Did anybody get points in Deathpool? He was on Howard Stern. He used to date Jennifer Love Hewitt. I know everything about this motherfucker because of Google. So, his name was Rich. He had a lyric in one of his songs that I caught the same way Chad caught that advertisement.

I was laying in bed. Do you know what lyric I'm talking about? No. Oh, fuck. You don't either. Neither do you. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. Yeah yeah I do yeah I do

yeah yeah he said remember that time in high school when we broke up before the prom and you told everyone that I was gay

and I went that is the truest lyric that's ever been written in music ever cause he you know that he sat with this girl and he was like

I wanna be in a boy band and she was like I think he might be gay he was like with this girl and he was like, I want to be in a boy band. She was like, I think he might be gay. He's like, no, no, no, no. And he was like showing videos in sync. Like, look at them. Look how great they are. Look how beautiful they are. And she told everyone he was gay.

It's my favorite lyric I've ever heard and it's just like that when you heard it. Did you set this up when this was a boy band? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe, I don't know. I'm pretty fucking drunk. Can I get one more? One more?

Do you know the name of the song? We're not playing at the end of the pot. This guy was a rape victim. That's why Chad was so destroyed by listening to this child porn thing

because you told me. We disagreed with this. Okay. When Chad was a tender 15-year-old kid. 16. You were 16 and the guy... I had it written down as 15. Yeah, 15's hotter. Skinny white guys,

15 or 16 is the same thing. And he worked at Safeway. Not here. I went to work at Safeway when I was 15. But the thing was that you said that rape between a man and a woman was the same thing. That was the argument.

No, the law is that it's the same thing. Hold on. It was a check? No, common sense is different. You don't think I would sit up here and talk about getting raped by a chick? No, common sense is different. Well, yeah, you didn't think I'd fucking sit up here and talk about getting raped by a guy, do you? You were 15, you didn't know what was going on. That's fucking secret shit. You don't fucking come up and tell that.

The whole time I thought it was a dude. I've been waiting to hear this story of you getting fucked in the ass by a cop. That actually reminds me, Andy Andrus and I are going on tour in June. Your son is in the audience! And I'm the whole time, I'm like,

I can't believe he's gonna tell a story about getting fucked by a dude! Yeah, I'm not gonna tell a story like that and my family's here. Jesus. Oh, I thought you were going to tell a story and fuck me yes I did the whole time I'm like

how's this song going to hear this it's actually very brave of him I thought I clued you in during the break about what the story was I guess I forgot to say it was a woman. I did, but I... I was not listening.

No, no. We were just... Rape doesn't sound... It sounds different when I hear it. Listen. That's the point! I have a visual of a Safeway, him in the freezer with another dude.

He's holding onto a brisket going, fuck. They don't sell brisket in Safeway. Not anymore. Do you discount meat section brisket 50% off? Now it makes sense.

You think suitcases of Bud Light have handles for your convenience? Oh my God, I'm going to throw up. I'm going to throw up. Oh my God, this meat is expired.

This whole time I was waiting to hear a story where you got fucked by a dude. I've actually forgotten the story I'm supposed to tell at this point. I forgot it too.

I had it in my notes from a week ago. I've already got another one in my head so it doesn't matter what you say now. I was going to bring Margo up and recreate Can we get a brisket? At some point just want Margo on mic

if you could do like I'm trying to think of an easy duet holy shit that sounded like Vietnam I want Chad Shank I want Chad Shank and Margo to do a duet together

like Peaches and Herbs style and Margot to do a duet together. Like Peaches and Herbs style? Ebony and Ivory. I'm trying to think of an easy one. That's two men. Islands in a Stream? I just want them... Margot, as you obviously have heard on the podcast, Margot,

is here. And every time we've had her either to a party or a podcast or we shot a pilot that went nowhere, she always has a stroke right afterwards or beforehand. Every time she's scheduled. She had a mini stroke during a filming of a pilot and got up dusted herself off

and then did her spot and didn't go to the hospital until two days later that's no shit Erickson Margo, Margo you don't have to say anything but will you take Erickson's chairgo, Margo, you don't have to say anything, but will you take Erickson's chair?

He can do some barbacking for a minute. Just come up. I just want you to talk on mic. Just please. Just come on up. Walk her up. Carry her up. Jesus.

Oh, don't trust him with the purse. He's a used car salesman. All right, let's get back to anyway. Whatever prolongs this story of me getting raped. So this 24-year-old woman, according to my notes... I think maybe 26, but I don't know either. Wasn't there a husband involved? So I went to work at Safeway as a bagger at 16.

And when I got there as a 16-year-old, I immediately singled out which cashiers I would bang. Because that's how you... That's how the mind works. That's how you determine things. That's all you think about when you're that age where can I put this

not whole and then within like three months one of the ones that I picked out had me in the cooler there was no brisket involved and I wasn't bent over oh you fucked her in a safe way

no no no but we were making out a safe way. No, no, no. But we were making out in a safe way. That's where it started. Hold on, hold on. Slow it down. I just want to say, it's bad enough to get raped, but to get raped in a cooler, that's not going to be your best effort as a man.

I would be getting raped, and I would be saying, at room temperature, I'm much bigger than this. I didn't allow any fondling in the cooler. So she's 26, you're 15. What does she look like? Describe her as a celebrity. I don't know how to describe her as a celebrity. I had her fucking name, I had the joke. But that girl as Monster. Charlize Theron as Monster.

Listen, as a 16-year-old, this was one of the two people that I've picked out that I would bang. So, I mean, she was pretty hot. One of the two? Yeah, well, the other ones were like 45 years old. I was like 16. I love this. The mid-20s. If you want to go to Safeway here tomorrow and pick out who you'd bang,

your second choice is going to be over the age of 40. So you're in the cooler. You're stacking Budweiser's. She comes up behind you, grabs you, spins you around. You get caught off guard, and she starts kissing you. You are so fucking close to what happened. I should be a fucking novelist. I was stacking milk.

It's the only difference in that story. So is she. This is a new novel I'm writing called One Shade of Purple. I'm just glad you didn't call it Half a Shade of Purple. You're stacking milk? So I'm 16 years old, and I end up hooking up with this girl at Safeway.

We make out a lot in the milk cooler. And she invites me back to her house in the evening while her husband is at work on graveyard shift. She was grooming you this is his opinion i don't i don't agree with this i think i was uh you were definitely getting raped that was at the blue moon bungalows hey if you're ever in uh bisbee want to stay in the Warren District. Go to the Blue Moon Bungalows. Anyway.

That's really all there is to the story. I mean, I would... Well, you were a victim of child rape, according to the law. Where this 20-something-year-old second-place finisher molested you. In hindsight, that's probably true but thinking about it from where I was

I mean I was quite a lucky fucking fellow well look at how you are now you plot your own suicide by cop you have anger issues I think it all stems back to

a girl you really wanted to fuck that was older than you. Fucked you. But what's wrong is when you're raped like that as a child, you had to really work at it. You had to do time in the milk freezer before you even got the invite

to get raped as a child. I used to tell this story in the army, and whenever I would get accused of being a blowhard, like, oh, you're fucking just telling, you know, 16 years old, he got fucked by a safe waiver. So then I would tell the rest of the story

to even it out. And now, this is Paul Harvey with the rest of the story. The first time her husband was out of town and she invited me over, I, of course, went over immediately,

parked in a secluded spot, went in the fucking downstairs door, went inside. I assume in Globe, Arizona, that she lived in a secluded spot. Wait, Doug, can I tell you? Right now, I'm imagining the Tempe Improv condo.

You know that condo? Oh, yeah, it's in the book. Keep going. I have no idea what the fuck reference you just made, but I'm going to keep going. No, Globe what the fuck reference you just made but I'm gonna keep going no Globe Arizona is like Benson that we drove to

it's a trailer park there's a three legged dog with meth sores from scratching you're way off if you knew anything about Globe Arizona the fact that I said her husband was on graveyard shift would let you know that he worked at the mines which is top anything about Globe Arizona, the fact that I said her husband was on graveyard shift would let you know that he worked at the mines,

which is top level fucking Globe Arizona. This was a nice house. You fucked a miner's daughter? My bad. That's a different story. I love this. I love this story. So you go to his house.

Tell me this part. I'm ready. You're at her house. So I'm at her house. We go in the basement door. We go in the back. Grab some tell me this part. I'm ready. You're at her house. So I'm at her house. We go in the basement door. We go in the back. Grab some fudgesicles because you're 60. I have no idea what to expect.

Shit, are those bomb pops? All of a sudden, he got hard. Fuck you guys. I'm about to demean myself incredibly. I don't need your help. And we're going to make fun of it. So you're listening to Will Smith and Jazzy Jabs. On your walk, man.

I go to put it in. Wait, what? What are you digging? Yeah. What do you do? I'm still in the parking lot. I'm still on fudgesicles. I'm wearing fudgesicles.

You made up that part. There's no fudgesicles. God damn you guys. Wait, there's no fudgesicles? No, we're still going with it. Okay. So she brings you through the basement so the security cameras can't catch you. Well, this was probably early 90s.

No security cameras, no worries. But back when you could say the end line, no one would ever hear it. I picture shag carpet in the basement. This is my favorite thing I've ever heard. I have a visual of you sucking on a funsicle with a walkman on just with a bouncy or something

I'm gonna fuck a 26 year old I'm gonna fuck this the next part is not gonna help that story anymore so like a 16 year old who got invited to the basement of a married 26 year old I finish

immediately but I don't have the knowledge year old who got invited to the basement of a married 26 year old i finish immediately yes but i don't have the knowledge to know that she knows what just happened like i don't i don't think she realizes i just laid a load everywhere so i immediately tried to claim the high road and i was like i don't think i can do this because you're married. Because you're married. Because you're married. Hey, are you going to finish your fudgesicle? You know what? My fudgesicle is melting.

You should have dripped it on her back. The worst part of that is she invited me back so many times after that. The first time I... I fucked that up so bad. How is she invited me back so many times after that. The first time I... I fucked that up so bad. How did you invite me back? The first time I had sex with my wife. I can't...

Oh, Chad has the same story. But go ahead. You first. About Bert's wife? Yes. That's the joke. I came really quick. And I told her, I thought this was genius.

I went, shh, I think someone's breaking into my house. And I got up and left. Put on a new condom and came back. I'm like, ah, it was nothing. The next day. Wait, were you 16 years old? Because that's the only defense I have in my case.

I was 30! Yes. I love that we did the exact same thing! I don't want you to feel like a whore. You totally did. Fuck me. Hey, let's just talk for a little while, huh?

Dude, the first time I ever had sex with a chick. No one's ever made me feel that good. You ever do that one? You come too quick and you're like, my God, you're the first woman. And you make their ego. you put it on them. Like, no one has ever made me come that quick. Hey, stop it, man.

I'm still using that. I can't believe I didn't remember your name or ask for your phone number still. Stop listening to this, honey. This was true. I had an orgasm the other night. It was really quick. And my wife, right when it happened, she saw it happening in my eyes,

and she went, oh, look at him. Who else is in the room? It's me and her. Is she talking to someone? Oh, look at him. Is she talking to someone? Oh, look at him. I feel like I don't even know if I do stand-up.

I feel like I just tell secrets. I am fucking hammered. All right, well, we'll move this along. Wait, can I call myself a stand-up after this? There you go. If I call myself one, you definitely should. I got to get to Erickson's story, because I know myself one, you definitely should. I gotta get to Erickson's story because I know I'm gonna love it. It's not gonna be better than what

we just heard. Oh, I wish I would have peed instead of just smoked weed earlier. You get raped by a dude, it'll be good. Hennigan's probably too fucked. You wanna save this? This is just for us. This is a... Let's do it quickly.

Do it. Because Bert might know how this shit works. Hennigan's too fucked, and I don't want to switch people out anymore. Until the end, I would love to get Shawcroft up maybe if she's still standing. Woo!

With no teeth. with no teeth. If you read my book, Digging Up Mother, where we lived, where Hennigan lives now and Erickson lives, same apartment complex, if you wanted to get rid of shit,

you could just put it on the sidewalk and we called it Leaving It Out for the Russians because it's a Russian immigrant slash gay neighborhood no cross mingling gay or Russian but they would scavenge anything

and Hannigan said grab a store so we got a new couch we put our old couch on the street for the Russians to have. And we all in the apartment building bet whether the couch would last 24 hours or not. And within six hours,

all the cushions were gone. And we found out that what happened is the apartment manager had to throw the cushions away because a homeless guy took a shit on the couch. So the cushions are gone. And we're like, well, who's going to take the couch now? It's never, no one's going to take it. And then a couple

hours later, I hear this motorcycle pull up like a chopper style, like everything you're fucking hearing today. Right? Like just that. And it pulls up and it stops and I thought they went into the building next door because it stopped. It didn't just go by.

And then like maybe a minute later, it starts back up. We hear and I'm like, what the fuck's going on? I look out the window and this dude is on a chopper, like with long forks, tiny wheel, full biker dude, like with the Lemmy Kilmeister fucking mustache, biker vest

and everything. Even the old German fucking helmet with the fucking point spike on it. Like one of the fucking black widows from Every Which Way But Loose. What a great reference. And you just hear a fucking bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. And he fucking pulls out

and I'm like, what the fuck? And I look and he's got a rope tied to the back of his motorcycle, lassoed around the couch and he just pulls it down the street. Not on a cart, not on anything. Just and there goes my fucking couch down the street towards Santa Monica Boulevard. See you. And the best part is right on our street corner,

there's a four-way stop sign. So the very first thing that happens is he has to stop because there's another car at the... He can't just blow through it. There's another car. So he stops. And, of course, the couch doesn't stop. It keeps sliding up.

It doesn't hit him. It stops before it hits him. But then the car goes by so he hits the gas and then the slack and the rope tightens and it's a fucking couch yanks

and all the couch legs fall off but he just pulls it right down the fucking street there it goes bye couch about an hour later Carrie Mitchell went down

to the 7-Eleven and she's like I found our couch it's at the 7-Eleven two blocks's like, I found our couch. It's at the 7-Eleven. Two blocks away. The first left turn, he couldn't fucking handle it. It was over with. By the way, I know exactly where you live right now.

We got a new mattress from Casper. Casper Mattresses? Oh, we got the Casper Mattress. I haven't slept on it. Brian's going to sleep on it tonight. They're really good. And so we got rid of our old mattress. That wasn't really a sponsor.

They are a sponsor, but we're not getting paid for this. So I said, I said, I put on the new mattress. We had the old mattress. And apparently, if you're white, you have to recycle it. And so our yard guy, our yard guy's Mexican. And he goes, oh, just put it

in the fucking alley. And I go, really? And he goes, yeah, yeah, put it in the alley. It'll be gone in 25 minutes. And I said, really? And then he started backing his truck up in the alley. Did you hear a chopper? Chopper? Yeah.

I'm fucking hammered. All right. I didn't know if you were going somewhere. The rules are... The story's over. The story's over. Yeah, the rules were... I've never laughed this hard.

I've not. This is the fucking hardest I've laughed in a fucking year. Since the last time you were in the funhouse. Since the last time I was in Bisbee. I'm trying to save myself for the after party. I know we have an after party. Yeah, we have an after party Yeah we have an after party We're getting close

One thing That we have to do I was going to do that This is just soft But for road people We have to close On the three biographies We have to close on that three biographies we have to close on that

I'm going to tell you mine and this was Shawcroft inspired I want to just give her the mic and just stay over her shoulder stay like a sober sitter you know when Margaret Cho was in rehab they let her do shows but they'd have a

sober sitter stand right as soon as she make sure she doesn't go haywire. Lynn Shawcross. Lynn Shawcross. Thank you. The old winner

headburn. I'm willing to make out with everybody like when the Stanley Cup in Toronto went two years in a row. Why do you act like I'm bad? I'm just saying. You go on tilt. Pardon moi? two years in a row. Why do you act like I'm bad? I'm just saying. Rainer and Jaylee. You go on tilt. Pardon moi?

Okay. This was just going to be a dumb thing. Oh, you got a pizza. Bird Kreischer got a pizza delivered in Bisbee. That was Vanessa. Oh, neighbor Dave. Vanessa did that. If I could just tell how we fell in love, neighbor Dave.

Oh, my God. I couldn't get a pizza delivered when me and Tom Rhodes were on mushrooms with Joby, and that's how I met my neighbor. I went out high out of my tit with charcoal eyes at 5 o'clock going, I'll give you $100 if you go get us a pizza. It's a long story, but that's how you meet your neighbors. They don't deliver unless you're Bert Kreischer. This pizza looks like it has sliced hot dogs on it.

It's good. All right. This is kind of you inspired. Oh, okay. As road comics, do you tip or not tip? Actually, Hennigan would be in your seat right now. But no, no, no, no, no. His answer would always be no.

He doesn't tip. No! All right. But stay close. Put him in. Put him in. Put him in. I want to do this with you.

I'm going to make this quick He's a gentleman And a scholar No Tip what? Do you tip? I know you tip housekeeping Bert

20 bucks Really? I tip housekeeping I was an honest tipper for a long time Oh my god 20 bucks. Yes. Really? Yeah. I tip housekeeping the price of the room. But not always. I was an honest tipper for a long time. Oh, my God. And you leave the room like a fucking 17 babies let loose with plastic.

That's true. Oh, hang on. Bingo. Thank you. Sweet. Be fair. Let me introduce Lynn properly. Years ago...

Uh-oh. We were at a show. Yeah, I was supposed to do this, but I forgot. We were... No, no. No, no, it's not an anal story. Everything isn't an anal story. Oh, my God.

If I have had anal sex with you, just tell me right now. Well, that's the point. We don't know. Exactly. We did a show in downtown LA as it was just becoming gentrified and Garrett Morris had a club down there

and well, we all got, there was cocaine involved. Every good story. Several things happened. This new book, Shawcroft, the book I'm writing, it's just like road stories with a thin through line of bullshit. My favorite thing is when I called you and you told me about the letter in Dayton about reading his new book.

Hang on. Read his new book. See, don't get me off topic. This is why you were not going to be here until the end. But just know... Listen, Shawcross. During any story, I was mourning and vulnerable. Let me get to the end of the story,

then you can rebut... I get the fucking county prosecutor here. He can do this like a regular trial. I accept my rape completely. Listen, I'm just saying a lot of the stories in my book are cocaine related where it gives a false illusion that I'm a coke head. But no, those are the ones you remember. When you're drunk, you forget.

But if you do coke coke you wish you forgot do you understand I don't do coke that much I just remember the nights so one night there was you and I and bingo and we're doing this Garrett Morris

and we're all loose it was the 60's or about a year ago thanks mom We're all loose. It was the 60s or about a year ago. Yeah, it was the 60s. Thanks, Mom. Sex was sex. Well, the next morning. Last week. The next morning, we all wake up, go back to our respective- No panties on any of us.

Hotel rooms. We don't know that. Point being, we were so fucked up that we all assumed everyone else involved in the story had blacked it out. Yes. We were the only people that remembered. And we shut our mouths. No one talked about it. No.

Because we know, I know you don't remember. She knows we don't remember. Nobody remembers. We all had a personal moment. It wasn't. Mine was dark. And raped. It wasn't until a year later.

A year later. We're at the coaching horses. No one said anything. That fucked up in L.A. That fucked up. It's the last time I remember vomiting. I was so drunk. I don't drunk I'm not a puker in high school were you a puker

I remember like puking in plastic bags see this is why she can't be on the podcast she will not let you tell a story don't you feel like the tension I could get in trouble at any time yes or no isn't this segment of our tipping

the point being we were that drunk a year later, and you turn to us as we're trying to get over-served more at the coaching horses and go, hey, you remember that time a year ago when we all fucked? I'm like, I don't know. You remember? No.

Oh, you remember too? Oh, no. This night never happened. Yes. And I still can't black it out. Anyway, you remember too? Oh, no. This night never happened. Yes. And I still can't black it out. Anyway, Lynn Shawcroft. But I don't know if it happened. Bingo, did it happen?

Because it was Bingo, Doug Stanhope, and I. And normally, it would be the kind of thing I'd remember. I fucked Bingo and Doug Stanhope last night. But I don't know. But I did wake up and I looked at Bingo. We were in the same bed and Bingo looked down. She didn't have underwear on. She went and ran out the bed.

So I don't know. And I felt. That was before her vagioplasty when anyone looking at her vagina would run out of the room. But. No, she's beautiful. But I can't believe it happened, and I'm embarrassed, and I just want to apologize if I... Oh, you can't apologize enough.

And one last thing. That was the night that, like, remember it didn't end with, remember we had a threesome? I went out and smashed my face in. Oh, that was the year later. Yeah, you smashed your face. We could go on with that. And the moral of the story is I'm a good healer.

Look how I could bring this back around. Did you tip housekeeping that night and get back to the original thing? Do you, Brian Hennigan, do you tip when you go to sushi? Yes. Do you, you know how the sushi guy has a separate jar than the waitress? Do you tip that jar?

I'd never tip that jar. Bert? Do you tip that jar? Yes. Here's the thing. When I came here, obviously I'm from Scotland and the UK and I'm slightly tight-fisted. But Doug imbued me

with this idea of tipping for fucking everything. And I've gone born-again Christian tipping. I tip fucking everyone. For the record, if you went born again Christian, after Stan opened,

then that's pretty, I've seen this guy tip fucking twice the bill. Oh yeah. It's not tipping, I believe it's over tipping. I used to do a thing. It's on the list. Don't get ahead of me.

I do this thing called, I used to do this thing called what would the maid think? Where I'd leave the room in a ridiculous way. The first time I did it, I didn't tip. And then someone, and I left, what I did is I took my shirt from the day of shooting and I put it over a pillow and I put it in the refrigerator.

So it looked like a human torso in the refrigerator. It was in San Antonio, Texas. I didn't tip. Before that, it was called Cheap Dick. Yeah. And so, and then my camera guy was like, hey man, if you do that, you should tip. So now I tip 100 bucks on.

You tip housekeeping 100? Yes. I leave change that was in my pocket because I don't let them in my room. I don't trust them. So if I'm there for five days. Oh, I don't let them in my room. I don't trust them. So if I'm there for five days... I don't let them in my fucking room. You don't ever get in my fucking room.

Wait a minute. Even when you do the Axe body spray trick... Well, we've learned that now. Now that we smoke in rooms and then we... Allegedly. That's the answer to that. But I think of all people

you and Bingo should tip twice what you're paying the fucking room. Because I've seen how you've left rooms. Oh, shots fired. All I can say is the fucking ghetto of India. Yeah.

It's the worst. But that's why I don't let them in to clean. No, I understand that. I understand that. Sushi, we got past that. Bathroom attendance, where they're forced upon you. Yes. Yes.

No. No. Yes. Nope. Anakin is a yes? I won't even wash my hands. All right. Chad, let's start with Chad. Have you dealt with that word, guys? Nope. Anakin is a yes? I won't even wash my hands. Chad, let's start with Chad.

Have you dealt with that? I've never been in a bathroom where there's an attendant. I don't have this problem. But if I did, I would be broke. So I would not tip. I don't tip. I'll even avoid washing my hands. We live in a society where toilet and bathroom

are still used as demeaning terms. You're talking about someone who's willing to stand in one of such places and hand you something that makes you feel pleasant after you've done your business. I feel the very least you could afford them is the dignity of a fucking couple of fucking bugs. Sucker! Sucker!

And that's why you aren't from the USA I just want to know what happened to the real Brian Hennigan because that is some bullshit right there are you serious? Brian, are you lying? I went on an abuse-based holiday to Australia here's the important thing I went on an abuse-based holiday to Australia. Well, anyway, okay, here's the important thing.

Here's the important one, and I know you don't know the answer to this, but it infuriates me. The situation where you want to tip and you're forbidden. Oh, trust me. Give me an example. I'll tell you it. Target. Flight attendants.

Flight attendants. Flight attendants. It's true. It's true. Let the brilliance of her one word retort soak in. And then flight attendants. Tort, soak in. And then flight attendants, I used to implore you, the killer termites, to do this is when,

because as you've seen in the news recently, when a flight attendant is a cunt to you, if you just say something snarky, she'll find a reason to have you thrown off the plane and drug out. You've been drinking. So I always used to say what you do, because you

can't, as you say, tip flight attendants, when you get your drink or whatever, your pretzels, tip her a quarter. Oh. No, if she's a cunt. If she's a cunt,

don't get thrown off the plane. Wait till she brings the peanuts and go, here's for you. And tag it with a wink and a, cause you're a cunt. Oh, I can't accept tips, go, but you're worth it. And you,

how are they gonna have you thrown off a plane? He tried to give me money that wasn't enough. He insulted me. I think being thrown off a plane would be the scariest thing ever. More than like

a fucking sinkhole. No, a sinkhole is much worse than getting thrown off a fucking plane. You're sitting in your living room and the floor drops out from underneath you as opposed to, sir, we need to take you off the plane Well, wait, unless you're

jerking off to chicks with big tits hauling in sinkholes sinkholes are fucking terrifying Let me get the Lynn Sharcroft portion of this done because she will yell over everyone. Maddie, is that me? What is that? Lynn Shawcroft.

Tipping queen. Starbucks slash counter service. You pick up a pizza, that pizza where you get it to go. You're getting something to go. They have a tip jar. Yes.

Always? 10%. Always. I go to the bank on Wednesdays, and I take $100, and I turn it into ones so I can tip the world. Check me out at Rite Aid. Chad Shane. That hurts.

I'll tip the person that opens the weird case so you can get shit. I tip fucking anything and everything because it's about connecting to humans. So that's how you connect? You just give them money? Don't you even know what love is?

You and Charlie Sheen. You always turn it dirty. No. Because sometimes you make a friend over a dollar. Do you take your boyfriend when he has sex with you? Bert Kresher. Yes, yes, why? This is shit.

We're doing shit that probably you don't even care about, but our listening comic audience, room service, when you know they already include the gratuity. How do you work it, Burt? Go, let Burt go first. Let me explain to the,

when you get room service on the road, when you have disposable income because you don't have children and you didn't make those bad choices. Sometimes you get room service. But what you don't know for years in, when you get room service, they already include

a gratuity. There's like 24% already in there. But what you don't, it's not that much. So I have a quiz. You fucking liar. Anyway. But they also leave a space for you to tip. So you don't know they already include a shitty

tip. Yep. I've played that game on both sides. I say to him, we'll do a little role playing right now. You guys be the waiter and I'll be me. I'll go, is tip included? And he'll go, yeah, it is. I go, oh, cool.

Then you tip. Then I just put a line through it and I write the total. I do that. You can't double tip me, motherfucker. Yeah. But, Shawcroft, go ahead. Succinctly.

Is there a tip already included? Yes. I'll fucking tip you again. Is there a tip included? No. What I've found out. Your dad and all of your family. Service industry. Style.

Especially tonight. If you're paying with credit card what I've found out with room service is they take a chunk of the tips from the house takes a chunk of the fucking already included

tip. So you say no and then you give them cash. Always tip in cash. Always, always. Here's the thing about dating. I have a dating profile. You have to brush your teeth and tip in cash. What I do in

restaurants often is I'll tip 5% on the official bill so that I look like a cheapskate but it still looks like I've tipped. And then I give the other 15% in cash to the person directly. And that way they get it.

And that was partial political correctness and partial he's not from this country. When he says sheepskate, it's not a racial slur about tipping. He can use every goddamn thing. Hang on.

That fucking joke deserved more. It needed a sink in. It was a black people don't tip joke. Jesus. I want to go back to the flight attendant. Wait, wait, wait. One time I saw Hennigan tip humongous was when you had his credit card and we ate breakfast.

Chaley did that when he had my credit card. He was tweeting me pictures of my credit card when he was buying airport lounge where every drink is $14. He's buying lounge. Southwest Terminal in LAX, if you're here, I love you. I met a lot of people that day.

Hey, let's, let me thank all of you. One question. What can I say? I'm a very generous person. Do you tip at a petting zoo? Do you tip at a petting zoo? And is it money or penis? Only the cows. Can we go back?

I want to go back. I need to clear the stage. Come on. Come on. We're getting close. Wait, wait, wait. Before we get off the tipping thing, let's don't get off the tipping story yet

because I don't know the whole thing of it, but Bert does like a waitstaff raffle that I don't know the whole thing of it but Bert does a wait staff raffle that he would better explain than I can. Yeah, I was in New Jersey at a comedy club. What's the name of that club?

Stress Factory. Stress Factory and I had $100 extra and I was just going to give it to the staff and then I was like, ah, fuck it. Maybe we'll raffle it off. And then I thought if we got everyone in the crowd to give a dollar, we could make it $300. And it turned out being like $700.

And yeah, I've been doing it a lot. I've been doing it every show because my wife likes it. That's probably the reason we shouldn't have brought this up because we're not doing it tonight. We're too drunk to do it. We're going to do it. Just everyone pass our money.

Do we have waitresses here? Tracy! This is after party. Tracy's a real woman. Chaley made all of this happen. Gretchen and Shawnee recreated the funhouse. There's too many people to thank. I'm going to clear the stage.

Hold on a second. Not you. Shawnee built this. Gretchen painted it. They did a fantastic job. Let's hear it for them. At the after party, we're doing a 50-50 raffle. First prize is 50% of what we collect.

The other 50% goes to Studio Mariposa, which is in Naco, for Gretchen. We also have second place is going to get, we've got the entire Mitch Hedberg vinyl collection. That's second place. Are you serious? And third place will be Ron White's number one tequila. We got a bottle of that.

That's all over at the after party, so we all want you to come over and hang up for that. But yeah, this is a lot of people put this together. Let's wrap this up. You think the Mitch Hedberg box set should be number one?

Woo! No, no, let's... I made it. Nah, fuck that. It's fine. We're almost at two hours. You know this is going to last another fucking ten minutes. I'll totally talk about Blue Apron if you want to.

I love Blue Apron. Chaley, yeah, we can talk about Blue Apron. Chaley needs your seat. We're going to close this up because... I knew it. Chaley... we can talk about Blue Apron. Chaley needs your seat. We're going to close this up. I knew it. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. You can hang out.

I'm a good person despite what. You can hang out with Brett Erickson. I just need Chaley here because this is the third podcast I've done with burt kreischer and we always do a what comic would you pick kind of thing yeah the first time it was i don't know favorite comics then what would your all-star tour be and we pick the comedians like kickball. And this time we're going to do what comedian's biography would you want to read?

Meaning not autobiography, like David Tell. I use as an example, the best comic of my generation, hands down. Yeah. But I know his daily life is just salt. He's miserable. I'm going to quit. Everything sucks.

I don't want to read a biography. I want to, like, if you could know the deep, dark secrets of any comedian and we haven't put. Fuck, he's got two kids. You think he has an interesting day? No. Someone yelled Bert Kreischer. I was talking shit about you. The when you said this, it was my favorite thing.

I'm obsessed with this. I have, I wanted to do a podcast one time where I just told, I had comics on and they told their best stories about other comics. So I believe like

that is the true, like the best thing, hanging out with you is great, but hearing stories about you is better. Does that make sense? And so I wanted to do a podcast where we just have people tell like stand-up stories

and then do an hour podcast of every comic telling their stand-up stories. Mine is going to be a sleeper. It's someone that I'm really infatuated with and I hope you know because the second you said this to me, I thought this was a guy. Let me, because I only have one in my head.

And I pitched this. You have to, the rule, only rule, living or dead, we haven't discussed. One's dead. My only rule is that it's actually seeing their real life. Oh, 100%. 100%. Honest, yes. Someone else's account.

The life that flashed before their eyes if they were dying. Go ahead. You get to pick first. J. Medicine Hat. Oh. Oh. That's

early. This is where Googling. He didn't pay it out. This is just for comics listening later when this goes out. You won't know Jay Medicine Hat. He was originally a comic named something different, then turned himself into a hypnotist

because that was paying bills. I don't think he's even a Native American, to be honest with you. No, he's not. Yeah. No, no. By the way, this is why I want to. He's like Kenny Bang Bang. He's just like, oh, I need a new rack.

This is why I want his biography. Like, my favorite biography is they did a biography on the Sex Pistols on their tour through the South. And it was horrible. It was like their tour was horrible. But like, this dude was fascinating he used to tour every funny bone every four months he did every funny bone and he made legit money and he sold out everywhere and and he'd get on stage sometimes go fuck it i don't feel it and he'd walk off lots of cocaine cocaine, lots of whiskey, and died of a stroke in a Target.

Dude, that's the guy I want. I'd read that book. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'm fascinated by that guy. Because as a comic, as a road comic, you'd hear him. There's another guy.

He's not in my list, but John, the Raging Cajun. Raging Cajun? Oh, no. John Raging Cajun. Raging Cajun? Oh, no. John... Nobody here knows comedy. That's why they're here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They hate comedy.

I got another one. Mine are gonna be go... Mine are deep. So like, if you're a podcast fan, you'll hear mine, and then you'll Google them and go, shut the fuck up. But I'm ready to hear yours. One of the things that you said to me when i said we we have to do that we have to continue the tradition of what comic versus what comic i realize when you say j medicine hat you go you know the ones i have

you're not gonna like and then when you said it i go oh i like it they won't like it yeah i never put the live audience into they won't get j medicine hat no but they should but it makes me realize there's no comedians anymore that you want to hear their stories oh there's no more kinnison's there's no more i tell you my whole story on instagram you know what the fuck I'm doing. I don't have any secrets. Yeah, I'm on blood pressure medicine. I'm addicted to Xanax.

Yeah, those are all the things about me. But there are guys out there. I'm going to do number two. Oh, no. I get to pick. We do it kickball style. I get to pick my kid for kickball. I'm going last. I just thought of it.

God damn it. Fuck. The Smothers Brothers. Thank you. Should we do Q&A at the end? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Can I deflect? No, not now.

I'm so into this fucking game, that's all I've been thinking about for the last two weeks. I just thought of... No, you don't get to go. Shit. All right, I'm going with my number one because she's here, but it's true.

And that's the only bank of knowledge. My number one is Hedberg. A hundred percent. Mitch Hedberg, because... A hundred percent. Number one is Hedberg. Mitch Hedberg because... 100%. Shut it. Shut it. Stop.

That's why I didn't want to... I wanted to save that to last. But I just thought of someone else that was a fucking nail. I'll think of it when you... But Mitch Hedberg, his wife Lynn Shockcroft, is the only one that knows the fucking stories, and she's writing the book, and that's...

Hedberg was fucking so unique and amazing, but she's the only one that knows the details of the last 10 years. So, go, Ed. This dude told a story one time to me. Did you just say who about Mitch Hedberg? Because we'll roundtable a litany of us doing Mitch Hedberg. I sincerely hope you win second prize at the 50-50 raffle

because you will fucking love it. And you have to have a record player. Turn to negative and to positive is amazing. Go ahead. I feel like I should save my closer for my closer and tell you my not. We're doing three, right? Yeah.

Okay, I'm going to save my closer. So you're at number two. Number two, Eric Meyers. Eric Meyers is a comedian who has a distinct drinking problem beyond what you'll ever wrap your head around. He is a guy who I heard about first. I worked with him with Louis C.K.

And he was like, I'm not drinking. I'm just taking Xanax. I went, wow, this sounds horrible. Then he liquidated his fucking credit card and bought all audio and video equipment in West Palm, right? I was like, wow, this guy's on tilt.

So I go to the Richmond Funny Bone and they go, yeah, yeah, yeah, we had to fire him. He got drunk in between shows and pissed on the couch. This guy has the most fucking amazing stories about one time he got arrested at the Cincinnati Funny Bone walking from the seafood restaurant to the club because he was so drunk. And he got arrested.

And then he got... For the Bisbee people, that's like getting arrested at the VFW Hall going to the Second Amendment gun shop. It's a strip mall. It's fucking... Got arrested, tried to get on a plane Sunday. They wouldn't let him on because he was too drunk.

Passed out in the shower and his dad had to come and put him in rehab. This guy's got fucking stories. If I want to read a book, it is, ladies and gentlemen, it's Eric Miles. All right. All right. Well done. But you're hearing his stories. Here I go. To hear the truth

that they had nothing to do with writing, I'm going Ralphie May as my number two. Woo! Whoa! I've been staring at him going, I got nothing, I got nothing. And then I got Ralphie May.

Like, oh, if we're just going biography, Ralphie May is so full of shit. He tells me stories about me that I was there for. And he bloviates all these lies into him. And I'm like, dude, we went and had sushi one time. He's a beautiful guy, but he just lies so much. I just want to know what, like if there was a hidden camera on someone's life. A hidden camera is the perfect part. When we were there at his house, you said he didn't even need to lie about that part.

I know. He told his story. We got the refund. He didn't have to say 30 people got the refund. He told his story. When we were young kids and I had a mullet and we played the laugh stop before Pete Pirelli, the fucking good days of Mark Babbitt,

we went to a water park with Ralphie May, if you don't know him, he's a rotund person of over several thousand pounds. Look him up and get his World Records. He has neighbor Dave on his vision board. One day, baby, I could be that petite. One day, baby, I could be that petite. And there's this giant water slide in Houston,

a tube thing, and you have to climb six stories of stairs to get... And Ralphie may... Get to the top. They won't let him on the ride because he's obviously too fat. But they should have had a sign down at the first level.

So they made him do the walk of shame back down. And we were mountain climbing, by the way. More accidents happen on the descent than the ascent. I mean I've got insurance people

in my family so I use this we're not rich we're broke comics whatever 20 bucks to get in was a lot of money so I go don't worry Ralphie I'm going to use this as an excuse to get our money back and I threw a fit

you humiliated my obese friend, and I did that. And we got our money back, and there were three of us. But when we were just at his house last year, he tells this story where I told the manager there's 25 people and we got $30 a piece and then Dougie Stano brought us out for lobster because they paid us cash

and I go none of that happened there were three of us I charged it back on my visa back then it was probably the visa you get when you have to put money down. But still, I don't know. I didn't have to. Why do you have to lie to me about my story?

Like, I don't. I can tell you what my therapist says. And by the way, hold on. Doug was a gentleman. He didn't say anything. He just kicked me under the table, and we talked about it later. And then now we talk about it.

No, I actually told Ralphie. I go, no, that never happened. I said it to his face, but he kept arguing. No, no, Dougie Stanhope. I remember the lobster and everyone. I'm like, you're wrong. I'm not going to argue. Anyway, go.

You're number one. Number one. Comics, biography. I will let going to argue. Anyway, go. You're number one. Number one. Comics, biography. I will let you chime in. If you think of a comic that you really want to know what their life was like, that you would never know otherwise, you want. So obviously I have a storied past with alcohol. So sometimes comics will reach out to you when they're going through hard times

or they're not going through hard times. This guy told me a story one time. My favorite story ever. And this is why he's my number one. He had a gig at Harvard. He was in New York. And he was doing crack. And he was doing a lot of it.

And they couldn't find him for like two days. And then they found him. And his manager said, listen, the gig pays like 25 grand. The car is downstairs. Get in the fucking car, man. So he gets in the car. Do you know what I'm talking about? No.

I think I do. He gets in the car. He's got a bunch of crack, enough to get him to Boston. How much is that? And a bottle of vodka. A bottle of vodka. A bottle of vodka. He starts realizing I'm a dad.

I'm a fuck up. I've been there a lot. And he starts crying obsessively in this limo. He gets all the way to Boston and he's been sobbing, smoking crack and drinking vodka the whole time. When he pulls into Boston he realizes that the partition for the limousine

has been down the entire time and that is why my number one is Greg Giraldo Greg Giraldo that honesty that honesty that you share with another comic

that I'll share with Doug I'll share with I'll share with these guys I don't really share it on stage totally but we all

share it at moments man Greg Giraldo one time I got offered a speed on off a switchblade at a bar called

Sure Shots in Dayton and I realized that's where he wrote this joke I think I fisted a girl there I have a hoodie I have a hoodie from Sure Shots in Dayton and I know that's where that happened for Greg

and I wear it all the time and I get excited I miss him genuinely. He was the sweetest dude in the world. But man, that is the... Greg Giraldo for the Bisbee crew. They don't fucking know comedy. That's why I can live here peacefully. They don't give a fuck.

Greg Giraldo was a brilliant comedian that had quit law to do stand-up comedy and did it well and then would get fucked up on drugs and alcohol but then go right back into a lawyer's state of mind and go through rehab and then be nor he wasn't like me i'm a fuck up all the time this guy was jason turns into me i turn into Jason, he turns into me. It was a revolving door, and then he's in my new book, which you can order pre-order on Amazon.

Hey, there is a Greg Giraldo book coming out. Is there really? Yeah, they contacted me to ask me about what's involved with the audio book reading. to ask me about what's involved with the audiobook reading. And, yeah. But so, yeah. There is a Greg Giraldo book? There is a Greg Giraldo book coming out.

Look on Twitter, Greg Giraldo book. I don't know what the fuck it is. Hannigan, you said you were going to... You had number three. You had one comedy biography. I got two current existing living comedians who I think their biography, not the way they'd write it,

but an obvious one who's an intellectually thrilling comedian, Maria Bamford. Yes. I think her biography being outstanding and somebody who's completely overlooked in the so called dark areas of comedy Steve Hughes

Steve Hughes Steve Hughes the Australian guy you guys fucking know Steve Hughes I love you if you know Steve Hughes you know Steve Hughes? fuck yeah I know Steve Hughes. I love you if you know Steve Hughes. You know Steve Hughes? Fuck yeah, I know Steve Hughes. Hardcore heavy metal drummer has done all sorts of shit.

When he goes off the radar, he doesn't go off in a soft core way. He's going off because he has to go off it. I'm going to go take a piss. He goes off. Now you're making... We've applied the rules of just not their autobiography, but what the fuck, you know where I'm going. Yes.

And I'm not going to save the day. I just want to applaud Take a Piss. Hold on a second. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Can we take a piss? We don't have Doug's third. Your third. He's going to take a piss.

You're going to make everyone wait for your third? No, no. I was going to. I'm trying to not say the Steve Hughes name that you reminded me of. Oh, I'd love to see what you're fucking doing behind the curtain of Oz. Hey, can I? Yes. Can I share a secret real time?

So in South Africa, me and Steve Hughes and Alistair Berry, I probably shouldn't say his name. Am I bleeping? Am I doing this thing? Get a hold of a little bit. Get a hold. No, no, no. Don't worry about it. Get a hold of a little bit of cocaine.

And we end up just partying in Steve's room. And Steve says, I'm a fucking amazing drummer. So I put on Rush. I go, can you air drum to this? And he goes, you know, Steve, 100% mate. All right, let's go. And fucking air drums to Rush. And me and Alistair Baker just nodding our fucking heads.

Like Tom Sawyer or YYZ? Tom Sawyer. It was Tom Sawyer. It was fucking Tom Sawyer. We can all do that, right? And he was doing the fucking, Dude, he would do this. He would go like this. And then hold the snare.

Hold the snare. He legit... He clutched the snare. He would grab it. Like, it was all air drumming, and Allison and I are losing our fucking minds. This looks so real. The best is when I found out we had coke,

they go, we got sorted out, mate. Like, what's that mean? They go, we got cocaine., mate. What's that mean? They go, we got cocaine. Sounds like the cops are coming. Man, South Africa was a great time. The UK comics and none of them were UK

comics. They were all Australian. Yeah. Like Steve Hughes and Jim Jeffries, they moved to Manchester. But they had such a tolerance for drugs. Glenn Wool. He was Canadian, now London. He was three...

I remember seeing him walking past me going, oh, I've been awake for three days and I have to do ecstasy to do a children's party. I think that's in the book. And I was already going... that's in the book. And I was already going... That's in the book?

By the way, that should be the name of your book. That's in the book. No, that's in the last book. I think I'm telling him shit I already wrote. Are you not going to tell us your third? I did. I had fucking... You did Hedberg, Ralphie May.

What did Steve Hughes remind you of? I heard just another Australian comedian. You don't have a third? Jim Jefferies? Yeah, I would love to have a Jim Jefferies biography. Yeah, but you have... Listen, I love Jim, but I will say... I don't want to start fucking peace.

I would love a third- party writing of his life. That's what the point is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, it's like, one of the things that I obsess about is like, the thing, I said one time on stage and people got offended. The thing that made Jim Jefferies was that he got beat up on the store. Yeah. And, yeah, and yeah what are you doing? same with Bill

I love Bill Burr but when he did that fucking Philly thing oh the Philly thing that's different it's same same a little bit no it's not because Bill Burr went out there and confronted a seething mass

and shoved their indignity and hatred back in their face and made it funny spontaneously in the moment. Yeah, he did. It was a... They threw batteries at Santa Claus. But Jim Jefferies has... Jim Jefferies, that store thing, Brett Vincent put it online and it was amazing

but also the thing that I love about Jim's career is that like he's got that one bit that every two months goes viral because there's a school shooting he's got a bit about guns and so every time there's a school shooting, it goes viral. And I rack my brain about, like, what is the one thing that's, like, shark attacks?

Like, I rack my brain going, how do I find out? Well, I have several bits about not just school shootings, but shootings in general and mass murder. But they're all pro. So they never go viral. Oh, so-and-so killed a bunch of people. Listen to Stano's bit about why they should have killed more people when they're killing people,

and it doesn't really take off. That's the twist. And the liberal left media is keeping me down. I just want people dead. I want health care, but I also want dead people. Best line out of stand-up

from 2017 is I'm working this corner. Yeah. You know, this is the best line. Oh, ISIS. I'm working this corner. Yeah, I is the best line. ISIS. I'm working this corner. Yeah, I did that bit here on stage.

That's the beauty of it. ISIS trying to... Yeah, we're wrapping up. Do you want to do the commercial? No, we're done. Blue Apron, everybody. We're at two hours, people aboard. Blue Apron, Tom Kanopko.

Sorry, we couldn't have you on this one. You're on the others. Don't forget, over in the Gulch, I guess it's Brewery Road, right across from Elmo's is the after party. Christine Levine was here. We never got her on.

We've got a mic set up over there. We've got a stage. In about an hour, you can head over there. We never got her on. We've got a mic set up over there. We've got a stage. In about an hour, you can head over there. We've got merch for sale out there. He's got a list. He keeps holding it. It's too late. We're out of time because union shit.

I was supposed to make the announcement about Johnny Depp is buying the Loma Linda, but I don't have time. Let's save that. Ladies and gentlemen Thank you so much for coming out Chad Shake, Brett Erickson Brian Hennigan, Lynn Shawcroft Burt Grayson

The Machine Doug Stanhope, our bartenders Tracy and Bingo Shawnee up there, Gretchen Joshua and everyone here at the Royale, thank you very much for coming out Tracy and Bingo Shawnee up there Gretchen Joshua and everyone here at the Royale thank you very much

for coming out hang out order some drinks we'll be out in a minute we'll be at the merch booth just relax we're all gonna have some fun thank you

thank you so much now hit the tunes always segueing the hip high volume tune. Part time. Part time. Part time. Part time. Party time

Drink your drinks and eat your eats It's party time Laugh your laughs and eat your eats It's party time Smile your smiles and do your blues It's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time

Oh baby, grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time. Grab your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time. Everybody! Grab your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time. One more! Grab your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time, here we go. Party time, yeah. Party time.

Party time, yeah! Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, hey! Party time. Party time. Hey! Party time. Yeah! Party time.