The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #211: Bingo's Book & Chaille Challenge

Episode Date: May 31, 2017

Recorded May 26, 2017 in Bisbee, AZ at the FunHouse with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Bingo (@BingoBingaman), Rev. Derrick, Tom Konopka (@RealTomKonopka), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille. This episode is sponsored by MackWeldon.com – Save 20% with Promo Code “Stanhope” and The New Drama Series, “I'm Dyin' Up Here”, Sundays at 10/9 Central only on Showtime. Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List to get first crack at Future tickets. Check out Bert Kreischer's tour dates at www.BertBertBert.com Closing song, "Let Me Out", by Amy Bingo Bingaman. LINKS: - The Impractical Joker's Cruise - http://www.impracticaljokerscruise.com/ - Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/ - Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/ - Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, is that red light on? Rolling. Red light is on. I want to... Just to start, because I... Someone gave us this at the Swapcast a while ago, and I didn't notice because I just got back. Kelly Zahara and Joy. And it's a 1973 street sign.

Presidential inauguration, no parking, midnight January 19th to midnight January 20th. 1973. Metal sign. That's cool as fuck. Thank you very much. Whose inauguration was that? Nixon. That's a good one.

I didn't pull it out of my ass. He told me it was Nixon. I didn't even look and see if he was right. Come on. You wouldn't have known Nixon. I mean, he's a young kid, but you? I wouldn't have known him. It is topical right now.

I don't think three years ago he was the president. I don't. It's a great sign, no doubt. Bingo in a string of losing cell phones. Tom Konopka lost his cell phone. Then Bingo lost his cell phone somewhere in the hotel at the airport. We went over every possible. We were only in two places, the bar and the bed.

And the room. Yeah. Yeah. We tore everything up and asked the front desk and the bar if they found anything. But I was just coming back from Hawaii off of a bender into a bender, and I didn't know. We went through. The last call was from me four minutes long to her at 925 p.m.,

but I don't know when that was. I know I landed at 11 a.m. after a nine-hour couple of flights off of a drunk. So did I call it? Oh, wait, we jumped in the pool at one point. That had to be daytime, so who fucking knows? I didn't have anything in my pants, for Christ's sake. But yeah, you weren't drunk, you should know, but you're a retard.

As you will find out in her upcoming book entitled Finally Coming Out. Entitled Let Me Out. Ah. Bingo procrastinated on this book for so long it's a diary it's what she wrote when she was

in the mental hospital in the first mental hospital yeah the first major stay yeah from 2003 or 4 2004 which you've been fucking around with and and maybe we'll get a publisher or maybe we'll self-publish. You waited so many years over a decade that now you can just put it out on Kindle because that's how people read. You don't have to find a publisher. Which is what we're going to do. I know. It's great.

You waited long enough for it to be simple, and you can put your music out the same way, the album that goes with the book. Right. Simple. iTunes. Click a button. Someone has it on a thing that they hold in their hand.

Well, it's ready now. The record's been done forever. It's being remastered again by Doug Krebs. Already has been. Yeah, he remastered it again. And you didn't even know it. It was like a pet project he did. No. So he did that for me.

And it's ready to go. I'm just changing the names in the book now, some of the names. She's getting used to the legal process. Oh, you could get sued for that. You could get sued for that. Yeah, you could get sued for. So basically we're just changing the major names and that's it. Which, Chaley, unless you wanted to spend another fucking ten years,

there is like a control something where you can just, anytime it says, you know. Control F. Oh, wait, wait. No, on a Mac it's Control F. But, yeah, there's a hotkeys that will search out a phrase or a name. And change it all at once. Change them all or delete them all. Find and replace.

Yes, find and replace. All right. That's what we need to do. That's what she needs. No, that's what we're going to have to hire Chaley to do. Because we don't know how to do it. I was going to show her Control-F because you taught me that on whatever the fuck I'm writing it on. But that's not Apple.

But it's simple. It's going to be simple, and it's done. Or you could have done what I do and just do it the old-fashioned way and just scroll for Bryans and change them to Hannigan's for 100,000 words. So, yeah, that will be out shortly, soonly. Very soon. Available where? Do we know?

I guess you put it on Amazon and Brian knows all this shit. If you download it, it would be easiest to put on Amazon. Yeah, but you can get the book, the diary. I should reinforce it's a diary. She was writing this as it happened. It's a diary of Anne Frank in a rural Wyoming nuthouse for months. Perfect. So it's funny.

Fucking Steve Drew, the running little beautiful cunt from this theater. I said for an under, you know, it was subtitle. It's Let Me Out. And I said just Madhouse Diary. And he said, that sounds too much like Gogol's Diary of a Madman, which is an album that's, when you search Diary of a Madman, that's an Ozzy Osbourne fucking album. And he thinks it sounds too much like this writer from 1835

that only a smart, beautiful little fuck Was he right? Well, it's a book but no one fucking knows it. No one's gonna confuse bingo with a fucking literary giant from

Russia. Oh, Kenny's here. Kenny and Derek are both in the house already plotting against each other for the next Bay Oral run. Bree is here. So, yeah, now we have to do the legal bullshit of changing people's names vaguely. Evan is going to be Kevin. Oh, that's even better, yeah. That's how.

Oh, got to change it now. Evan, Kevin. I just gave him the key. Oh, don't worry. It's Nevin Stevin. The main name that she has to change was this abusive nurse ratchet doctor, the head of the main psych unit where she first got put before they moved her to another, who's just massively abusive. So I use his name in my book in just a paragraph about the bullshit of changing names.

If I change someone's name because it's libelous, so let's say I change Pat Spleen to Frank Wheeler, now can any Frank Wheeler randomly sue me for libel? Great, now I'm going to get sued by Frank Wheeler. Shush, I didn't tell him that. Okay, cut that. No, you don't have to cut that. Control F. Didn't tell him the drastic. No, you don't have to cut that.

Control F. I just don't understand. Unless you have a name that's never been. Queaselplix. I mean, what the fuck? And also, why can't you just put in the beginning of the book, all of the names have been changed? So that way you can use the real name, and that guy will go, that's obviously me. Well, no, I said it's been changed. Wouldn't you have to show some kind of either some loss or some damage to your reputation in these cases?

It's graphic. But if you guys went across, I know that one, but if you just made up a name, and then someone out of the blue goes, hey, that's my name. And they'd have to show that somehow you were connected or there was paths that crossed. So you need to change that. Yeah, but you're talking about crazy people. So they probably don't even know enough to do this. They're usually represented by public defenders.

It's the doctor. The doctors. It's by public defenders, so it's a slam dunk. It's the doctor. The doctors. The crazy people in her book have more legitimacy than the doctor who just completely outright. Right. Oh, you're not counting the doctor as crazy people? Was that the-

Ninth configuration. Ah, Stacy Cage. Was that the guy that we were trying to go find when we were in- Yeah. Wyoming last time? Yeah. He's still in practice. Yeah, we that the guy that we were trying to go find when we were in Wyoming last time? Yeah. He's still in practice. Yeah, we've got to change that name.

Yeah. We need to make it a puzzle. He's still working. Yeah, he's got to be. His Yelp reviews were not swell. No. Only three, but they all backed up everything you said about him in less graphic terms. Mine are extremely graphic.

Good. Here's an example of things you could say when you if you were to refer to someone as a rapist, but you're obviously talking in the sense of your mind like how they fucked you over and you use rapist as a fantastical analogy but in context you understand whoa he didn't rate me like you're the as feeble as i was you were like a rapist. They can take rapists, that's libel, boom. I just remembered this conversation. I like my defense better.

He was good at rapping. I was calling him a rapist. I don't know what you guys call somebody that's really good at rapping, but I remember it differently. What do you do with a psychiatrist anyway? You sit there and you rap. Yeah, exactly.

He's really good at it. Maybe he was a rappy. Yeah, exactly. Maybe I was the one rapping too much there on the couch. Bound down being fucked against my will. There was no couch. There was chains. I'm saying hypothetically.

There were chains and what? There were restraints. There was chains. I'm saying hypothetically. There were chains and what? There were restraints. There were restraints for sure. Were you ever like, what do they call it? Five point. Five point. I was going to say four point. I already dropped the name of my airport hotel, four points.

I was never five point. They never raped me, but they did lose Bingo's phone. It's not her fault. No, I was... Straight jacket? I had that shortly. I also had my hands bound and tied to this big leather waist belt. Like mitts?

So you couldn't even wrap things? No, I never had the mitts. Oh, you had the mitts when you were in a coma. I did have the mitts then. Because you were pulling the tubes out. Oh, you had the mitts when you were in a coma. I did have the mitts then. You were pulling the tubes out. You had to be restrained. You probably had it worse in a coma than the mental institution. That's what I hear.

I was out for it. I was sleeping, baby. I don't remember shit. No, you weren't sleeping. To you, you were sleeping. To us, you were fighting with us. Yes. You were a fidgety toddler.

I know. I tried to yank fidgety toddler, let's say. I know. I tried to yank out every single tube that was in me. I realized. Didn't try. And in fact, I yanked out the trachea. You yanked everything out. I yanked everything out.

I know. I know. That's why everybody was on duty to hold my hands down, and they put the mitts on me and tied my hands to the bed. Because I kept yanking. Yeah, but yeah, as far as you knew, sleeping like a baby. Yeah. For a month. For a month.

Hey, can they still use straitjackets in mental institutions? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I would assume. I was just trying to figure out who's been institutionalized. Bree, you too? Yeah. Don't try to out crazy bingo on the podcast, but we'll talk after.

So at some point, once we get the legal issues done, it's finally going to come out. Yeah. With your album. Yes. That's written about your time. Yes. Losing your being. Yeah.

And then we'll plug the shit out of it. You know they're going to. Why don't we wrap up with one of my songs? We can wrap it up with a podcast. We just started the podcast, dummy. Okay. You don't do that. You can't handle the truth until the end.

I felt like we were done. Well, you can sit in. We want you on that wall. It felt like a natural out to me, too, Bingo. I don't know what these guys are talking about. Bingo. Bingo is always worried about being on the podcast. Like, don't put me on the spot.

I don't know what to say. We'll just chime in when we got that part out and just hang out and chime in. I'll hang out. And then we have to plug Bree's book next. It's called Let Me In. Yes. Similar. The prescience of a madhouse future visit.

I'd like to, at some point, we should catch up with Derek and Bree about how their relationship is going. Sounds good. No police visits or anything. You should do that right after I leave. Yeah. Hi-oh. We're almost out of Internet, guys.

We've got to wrap it up. We told them both, hey, listen, when they were having problems repeatedly hey these stories never end well yet here they are all smiles and giggles and perfectly combed hair lovey-dovey all right uh quick break because we have to talk about mac weldon about Mack Weldon. Mack Weldon, who I've never met personally. Like Calvin Klein? Never met him either. I did meet

a guy from Tornado. He's dead now. Bill Paxton. Bill Paxton. I met him. But he didn't have underpants. How did you know that? No, he didn't sell underpants. I guess I...

Oh, okay. I was concerned. But I met him at a Fourth of July party 20-some years ago. He was a nice guy, but he didn't sell underpants. Mack Weldon, I have not met, but he does sell underpants, socks, T-shirts. Tom Konopka, you don't have underpants. You keep saying, hey, can I wear your Mack Weldon underpants? I've heard things.

And I say, sure, a little bit later on. And I say, sure, a little bit later on. And then you walk out, and I can see you in your Zuba pants walking around your balls. You go out to lift your weights, and I can see that you're chafing in your inner thighs. And then you look at me and say, hey, can I have those Mack Weldon underpants that support you so well? And I say, yes, I'll be right back. As your parents did before they abandoned you. What's the most important thing in underpants to you, Tom? Support.

Support? Yes, absolutely. Comfortpants to you, Tom? Support. Support? Yes, absolutely. Comfort. Breathability, maybe? Yes. Stank issues? Yes. Well, I don't stank that much, but this is the key.

The fox never smells his own hole. Well, hey. Whoa, did you hear that? Yeah, he went deep. He went deep on you. How deep did he deep. He just shut this whole ad copy down. He was sniffing. We'll do it, love.

It's so acne now. No, comfort. Comfort, that is it. Everything is comfort. Mack Weldon, when we first had them as sponsors, I road tested them where I went eight days on the road, I believe, at least seven, and I think I did the eighth just out of laziness, where I wore the same pair of Mack Weldon socks for at least a week on the road,

which is not unheard of for me. But usually, after the first three hours, my socks stink. You can smell them through my white leather driving shoe. I call it a loafer. They call it a driving shoe. You were definitely stress testing. I stress tested the fuck out of Mack Weldon socks. And yeah, they stayed to the point where now I keep that first pair for special occasions

where I don't want to put them on because what if I want to use these for a week? I have weird psychological problems. You know what? Those would be perfect for one of your airport bar hops. Yeah, airport pub crawl. Yeah. You can just keep going. I'm doing it on Monday.

I'm going to Hawaii for three days. I'm going to wear Mack Weldon socks because I know when I kick my driving shoe off in the first class, eat it, motherfucker. That's right. I wear weird suits in first class, and I'm going to dress around the purple Mack Weldon's I'm going to dress the suit from the purple socks

and when I kick off my shoe no one's going to turn on the overhead I'll tell you I know the answer to this already you're going to be wearing the T-shirt, right? That undershirt? Yeah, the undershirt. That is the most.

It stays stuck to your belly. Tom, I bust your balls a lot about your gut, but I have the same gut. You have a build that goes around the gut. I have the flat chest of a cancer patient with the gut of a pregnant woman. Well, the baby bump, not like full term. You've got like a baby bump. No, he's got full term. I know you asked that is in proportion.

I have cancer chest sunken with a maligned baby that would have come out had i not died before it was breach birthed point being mac weldon t-shirts suck against you in a way that makes you aware of your gut. Ah. Do you know what I'm saying? You're leading to isometrics, I'm hearing. Exactly. You're a good stand-up. Where you feel like I should suck in my gut isometrically. Yes.

It's a nudge. It's just a, hey, a suggestion. It's not an ace bandage. I used to wear another brand's T-shirt, and they'd blow out. They'd stretch out. It's when you were a kid and you wore tighty-whities, and they would blow out as you grew older, and then they would start falling down.

Your pants fit, but your underwear started slipping. And you had to reach down, pull your underpants up. The leg would blow out. And so you could fit a hand down and not touch the underpants. Your tough skins. Your tough skins. You're still solid dungarees, but your underpants fell down and it blew out the waistband. Yeah, that doesn't happen.

This is like a perma-stretch. That's good. That's a fucking great idea. So, yes, Mack Weldon, what's the ad copy read there, Chaley? You're the guy in charge. Well, you use promo code Stanhope, and you get 20% off your first order. And if you don't like it, you can come to 212 Van Dyke Street and punch me in the face.

No, if you don't like it, you tell them and you get a refund. They guarantee their product. Sounds like a better option. For me, it's a better option. I'm sorry. I just threw in some stuff that wasn't actually in the read.

It was the punching in the face thing. It's not going to make me uglier. And Mack Weldon will not make your junk uglier when you strip down to your underpants in front of a Haitian girl. I don't know where I'm going with this. Neither does she. I guess I've done this. Yeah. MackWeldon.com. Use promo code Stanhope.

You get 20% off your first order and macweldon underpants uh have an actual form of a giant cock with a vein coming through it so your little tiny beans and weenies can flop around unencumbered by the front of the underpants while that Costa Rican hooker thinks, oh, oh, my God, I'll need more lubricant. Wow. Actually, Doug, I – We should probably cut that. I added that to the underpants.

That's why I ordered a size bigger. So we had the extra room. So that's – your performance may vary. Objects are not what they appear to be. They may be a little, yeah. More veiny than in real life. You're so vain. Hey, you know what?

If that's not a read, I don't know what is. Hey, we're back. Oh, someone sent me. I get the letter here. Because someone's grandpa died in November, and he sent me all this vintage clothing that doesn't fit me. It's a bit too big, but it does fit. A lot of it fits Derek.

That baby blue suit and that suede blue jacket. Yeah, that's Reverend Derek is getting that. The corduroy three-piece. I don't know. That's a tough one. But thank you very much, Josh, from Greeley, Colorado. Oh, Greeley. Yeah, he was at that show we did.

Not last time. Two times ago, yeah. Well, no, I was going to say last time we saw Cave Maggie. No, that's Fort Collins. Never mind. Greeley. That's when they had the fire in Colorado Springs. Yeah, that was crazy. But that was the only time we've been to Greeley, I thought.

Maybe I just bleed the thank yous in. They're right there on the bottom of that page. But wait till you hear this. Chad Shank just got internet for $28 a month. I'm just completely fucking tying you to the tracks like Snidely Whiplash. I told you I don't have any stories. I know.

You go, I got no stories. What am I going to tell them? If you're talking about thank yous, I've got to give a huge shout out to everyone who sent me hundreds and hundreds of packages and cards and postcards, letters. And I don't even know how to say thanks for that. I'm still opening shit. I think you just did it. You mean someone like Mindy Carpenter? She sent some liquor with that thing. I think he just did it. You mean someone like Mindy Carpenter? What did she say?

She said some liquor with that thing. Also, Emma Wilshire. That's a UK fan who sent some vodka. Yeah. Cool. I found these down there. Thank you. We all really appreciate the vodka.

Yeah, everybody. Yeah, we're still not done with the Impractical Jokers vodka. So, Sal Volcano, thank you. We should plug the Impractical Jokers cruise coming up. I think it's in November. Are we going to go? Bingo and I are not going to attend this one. Burt Kreischer will be headlining.

Oh, there you go. Really? Yeah. one. Bert Kreischer will be headlining. Oh, there you go. Really? Yeah, he's a million comics that go on that. Yeah, we're not going to. Oh, yeah, I don't think you should. He can put on the booze suit. It's that salt air. He knows now.

I'll let Bingo go by herself. And you know what? What happens on that cruise stays on that cruise. No, it? What happens on that cruise stays on that cruise. No, it doesn't stay on that cruise. It goes out on the podcast. It would if you were alone or I were alone.

Yes. So yes, I will buy you a suite on that cruise if you want to go enjoy it without me ruining it this time. Can I pick what guy I'm going to bring? No, you're going to find him on the cruise. You don't want someone you're going to see again.

Jesus. Haven't you learned your lessons? Don't blow this. You're going to have multiple guys if you play your cards right. I'll pack the oil and I'll put a handprint I fucked Uncle Bill Black Knobs

Black Knobs Mike's dad God damn it Uncle Bill I wondered why we haven't seen Uncle Bill for a while Yeah and now he lives next to me

and I have to we have to avoid eye contact every day I'll spit in the ocean Bill We can I remember that. I don't even know what you're talking about.

If it makes sense, it makes less funny. You just said that randomly. Old spit in the ocean Bill. Bill knows. What's happened since we've been gone, Tom? What has happened? Look at it gone, Tom? What has happened? Everything.

Look at it. Do you see the whole deck? Obviously so. What's on fire, Andrew? There's nothing. That's us smoking. There was no fire. Yeah.

It's the Tyndall effect. No, Andrew. Andrew, oh, Jesus. The new patio that he put together is great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The rocks got painted before we left. I think that looks fantastic. You still haven't been up to the top of the front house

to see what Shawnee did. It's a whole new thing. But I'm talking about weirdos showing up. No, no weirdos. Tom doesn't communicate with us when we leave. We go on the road for three months. Not a text.

I assume everything's fine. Uninvited fans shitting in the little house? Is that happening? Not anymore. Not since you talked about that on a podcast. In fact, right before we left here, you said, I spurted diarrhea all over that toilet

in case that lady that always shows up one time showed up that we don't know. Yeah. And you weren't lying because when I went to take a piss, that's why the ladies want you to leave the seat down is they don't want you to

see when they destroyed the underbelly of it. So yeah, I got back and I had to piss as soon as we got back and I lifted that piss as soon as we got back and I lifted that. Fan-fucking-tastic. I did it on purpose. I don't give a fuck.

About cleaning up either when it's just us. Wait, you don't sit down to pee at this point? I do. Sam sits down to pee almost every time he pees. Yeah, sits to pee at this point? I do. Sam sits down to pee almost every time he pees. Yeah, sits to pee. In fact, when I came to the hotel room, he was sitting to pee and he wouldn't let me in the hotel room because he was

sits to peeing. Sits to peeing. Sitting to pee in Arizona is just common sense. Your nuts are fucking hot all the time. Why not dunk them in water? Listen, that's a new development development i don't want to fucking discuss well i before my balls actually touched water i have such long ball hairs that they were like

feelers of what's to come i like whiskers on a cat just just enough to wet the inside of your underwear and you pull your pants i'm like what happened yeah what is it feel it it's like you're fishing i realized too i think i have a toilet in my house that's like 18 inches off the floor so i was gonna get a squatty potty and i realized i was like i don't think i need a squatty pot. I'm already having to fucking squat down to get to this toilet. But, yeah, the ball started dunking not too long ago. You can buy a different toilet, you know. Well, you just told me.

You can buy a different toilet. Well, I mean, there's different sizes. You can get a taller one. I have a five-foot-tall wife whose feet already swing on the toilet. I'm trying to compromise. You can stack the squatty potties like Legos. Yeah. There you go.

At this point, I need extensions for the toilet seat. I'm not limber enough for a squatty potty. Yeah, I'd have to do yoga just to get my knees to go that high. But hang on. I'm doing my pre-shit stretches. No. Is the squatty potty the Howard Stern thing? Yeah, yeah.

We have one at the Hazard House. Yeah, I can't use it. I love that squatty potty. I know, I can't get my fucking legs up that high. I fucking use it every time I shit there. I love the squatty potty. Don't touch the squatty potty. All right, well, hang on, because I'm not letting you.

I think that your parents have one. Yeah, yeah. And they're limber people. It must be covered. All right, well, hang on, because I'm not letting you. I think that your parents have one. I'm not. And they're limber people. Well, not your dad so much as your mom, because I've twisted her into it. Stop it. All right, I'm not letting Chad off the hook, because you told me a story about your balls. That's a true story. I have to get some sort of ball-supportive underwear.

I know you guys have joked about this, but I've not experienced it until recently. But my balls are so hangy that I have to grab them to sleep at night. They are impeding my sleep. So I grab them and pull it up and tuck my ball sack underneath my – Your shoulder? No, no, no. Yeah, my armpits. Your armpits.

What the fuck? No, the waistband of my underwear. I like short sheet my balls. Like the balls still hang in the same spot. I just have skin all the way up tucked in my fucking underwear. The band goes down and up. Like you don't pull your sack up really high. You're able.

You just kind of bring the band down. No, I pull my sack up to my stomach and then snap it in place. Oh, he might be able to beat Duran. Jesus. This is bad. It's like an upright bass. You could play that fucker. Well, remember I have that, what's that ball thing we talked about?

Pasta? Verica seal. Yes. So my balls are very full. So I think that now once they started getting older, gravity is pulling them even more so than they would if I just had regular balls in there instead of vermicelli. Vermicelli. We have talked about Duran, the owner of Chilkoot Charlie's in Alaska. Thin, wiry kid like myself.

Not as bloated, but still, he's a small guy, and he has the longest balls. And every year it seems my balls get longer, and I think I can beat him. And eventually we have a party up there, and as the morning comes in, ball off, long ball off, he always wins. And now I'm thinking I might be able to bring Chad in like the movie My Bodyguard. My Bodyguard. I'm curious about the procedure. What is it, pull down the leg or up?

Chaley's leaving right now, but Chaley would be the one that would remember exactly how we do long ball off. I've never seen it go down. I was going to say, I'm not going to help on this. We do have a panel of judges every time, and it's all the coots people. They go, all right, Duran definitely wins again. You're never going to have longer balls than Duran. It's never close. That's why Duran goes second because then you go and everyone's like, ooh.

Duran's like, it's over. Get me a beer. We're done. We're done here. I don't know if any of you guys got a glance when Bert was getting in the pool, Get me a beer. We're done. We're done here. I don't know if any of you guys got a glance when Bert was getting in the pool, but Carrie and I both looked up about the same time, and those are the longest balls I've ever seen.

We saw it from the back. Kreischer? Kreischer? Kreischer? Kreischer can beat the – oh, fuck. Maybe it's going to go into a playoff situation. Playoffs? Yes. It's going to go Burke Kreischer versus me and Duran go head-to-head.

Kreischer and Chad Shank. And then it's the Stanley Cup. Yeah, the Stanley Cuck. The Stanhope Cuck. Cup. You threw man. Yeah, the Stanley Cuck. The Stanhope Cuck. Cup. You threw me off there. That'd be great to have a jockstrap trophy for who has the longest balls. That's the easy part.

I would wear that fucker to bed, I'll tell you that right now. That's quite a... Jesus. Oh, hey, plug Kreischer's gig. He's playing Hawaii. Will this be out? Yeah, yeah. Because he's playing the blue note.

I went to Hawaii mostly to just get the fuck out. I thought maybe I could finish the final touches on the book at my top three favorite drinking bars in Honolulu where you could smoke on the patio. It's an open-face sandwich of a bar. It's a tiki bar. Some's inside, some's outside, but there ain't no fucking wall in between.

Is this Arnold's? Yes, Arnold's. Okay. But they stopped letting you smoke because of that fucking egg joint upstairs. You can't smoke in the patio. Now you have to go out front, and it ruined all my book-writing ideas, thank God,

because I could just drink and go out and smoke and didn't do a fucking thing. So I was there for two days and Bert he's coming there five days later. I think it's the 31st he has a show there. Bert Kreischer at the Blue Note

in Hawaii if you go to BertBertBert.com Oh really? I just saidBertBert.com Oh, really? Yep. I just said BertKreischer.com so I just assumed. He probably has that too. Bert with an E. BertBertBert.com

But yeah, Hawaii is such a motherfucker to try to sell tickets because no one's from there. The people that live there don't really give a fuck. They might listen to you on your podcast or the YouTube, but they don't pay attention. They're having fun. They're getting sunburns and melanoma that spreads to their lymph nodes,

and they still don't care. They still don't need comedy. It's still a good day. Too happy, man. So he's going to be there. So try to sell some tickets. And if you go to Arnold's Tiki, Arnold's Beach Bar is what it's called. It's hidden.

It's one of three good bars in Waikiki. It's in Waikiki, like on the main drag there? Yeah, it's right underneath the cunty fucking eggs and things that doesn't like cigarette smoke floating. I love eggs and things. Yeah, it's good. And there's always a line of douchebags that don't like cigarette smoke from down below. And all the bartenders are cool. Kim and Don and Todd, every fucking bartender is cool.

The locals are cool. We went there. Every fucking bartender is cool. The locals are cool. We went there. Dawn is the one that I met with Roseanne, and she came in. She's, oh, I'm picking up that night shift, the night you're there, and I'll see you at 6.

And she walks in. She goes, hey, hi, good to see you, but wait. And then she talks to Todd, the bartender that's on duty, she's covering for, and she goes hey hi good to see you but wait and then she talks to todd the bartender that's on duty she's covering for and she goes there's a trail of diarrhea going upstairs to the john i wasn't there i wasn't there was mad dog here mad dog and he goes it must have been mad dog and six o'clock at night and i had Don on the Impractical Jokers cruise too? No. I'm just joshing you. I was going to offer to clean up Mad Dog's diarrhea because neither one wanted to do it.

And I'd been drinking for the entire trip. I don't care. I wiped diarrhea out of Bingo's ass as it was flowing out. I think you were there that night, Chad. That's different. You don't even know Mad Dog. Yeah, I was sleeping. I don't give a fuck.

I slept right through it. Thanks, though. I was the little Amish boy or whatever, put my finger in the dike as it's pouring out. How do we stop the flow? It's coming over the chuck. The diarrhea is coming over the chuck. Why didn't you call a nurse? We're going to need body bags, Becker would say.

Why didn't you call a nurse? We did. What happened? They're not very prompt. With someone shitting their fucking diaper? Not when it's a brown alert. No, it's a chuck. You didn't have a diaper. You're on a chuck. You're on a pad.

So it's flowing out of you. What were they feeding me through the feeding tube to make me shit all over the place? Imagine when you were in school and you had the volcano experiment and you accidentally mixed too much vinegar with too much baking soda and you're like oh fuck, that's more than

what I thought that was going to be. It's coming out. A chuck is an adult diaper, if you don't know, that's a giant square. It's a giant dog pee pad. Yeah, that's what it is. So as diarrhea is pouring out of you like Pompeii,

I see it's going to go over the chuck, so I start to pull up the lip of the chuck, which pours it back into your ass, onto your ass, all over your ass, and then I go back

down. I'm like, well, I don't want it on the bed. And then I'm trying to wipe it off without getting too deep. Shit, baby. Sorry about that. He's trying not to get it on his sushi while he's eating. You should hear what I was dreaming about. Man, it was fucking excellent. Sorry about that.

A warm hot tub? My hand was in a vat of warm water. A fifth grade science experiment? A chocolate friendlies frap? I was just dreaming about fondue. I don't know. How many times did I shit my chucks? Well, we stopped going after the first time we saw it. We stopped visitation right here.

We sent hospice carrier weights. That was what sent them to pull the plug. I heard about that. I heard about that. She's not plugged in. What? Are you her father? That's great. Literally, that's what happened.

That's great. I spent two days in Hawaii, almost fucked again by Delta. And you guys know my love of Delta. I could show you Delta tie tacks, tie clips,

rocks, glasses. I'm a fuck t-shirt. I got a Delta airplane, airline pilot uniform I bought off eBay, which I never wore onto a plane because I thought that would red flag me as obviously this guy is not a Delta pilot. Why would he be? Because it's cute. That's why I would. Doug Saloon with the left hand.

Here for the jumper seat. Doing the high five game that we did when we came home. Let's give me high fives. So, yeah, again, they just fucked me over they didn't i ended up it's a long story but my flight from tucson to my connection was delayed and i called and they said yeah you're you're not going to make that connection. So we could, uh, you could go to LA and then stay overnight. And then like,

it's a two day vacation. That means I'd be there for a day, which I would still be bored enough. That would be fine. But, but then they found a flight that went from Tucson back through Orlando, Florida, three-hour time zone difference back to Salt Lake

that would get me in 18 hours later, 22 hours later than the whole process. And then I call back and go, are you serious? That's what you can come up with? I go, I found a flight. I broke out my laptop. I found a flight that if I stayed in Tucson, I could have gotten there earlier the next day without having to fly all night. But then I'm thinking, oh, if I do just sit on the plane, I get all those miles, which wasn't that many more miles. Did you ever look at a different airline?

I went to leave. Well, that's the problem. Airlines are like banks and cell phone companies and cable companies. They all fucking suck. The only reason Delta was good is that's the first one I got high status on. And then they treat you well. Well, because I couldn't hit high status last year because somebody went into a coma. All of a sudden I get treated like shit again because I'm only a gold and I'm no longer diamond.

get treated like shit again because I'm only a gold and I'm no longer diamond. And so I went three times. I was at security to leave going, fuck this. I'm just going to fly tomorrow. I found a flight gets me in earlier and I go, let me go check because I know enough of the gate people now. I went to the gate to ask for a free hotel. If you're going to fuck

me over for a night, you have to pay for the hotel. I know I would have refused because they would have given me a shitty hotel where I don't know the bartender. But I asked regardless and I asked Bob and he goes, oh no, you can make that. you can make that connection

and this is after like an hour and a half of constant on the phone with delta i go he says i'll make the connection well you can try and i said yeah i'll try i make the connection easy fucking assholes they just they don't give you that extra care because you're not Diamond anymore. And I know, and I won't be as long as I keep missing Delta flights this year. I haven't been in a coma since I was in a coma.

Come on! You have no excuse. Tell them, Bingo. God damn it! Just think, I thought my CenturyLink story was going to be boring. Then I had to call customer service. Mine had a moral. If you have CenturyLink, they have a department called the loyalty department.

If you have problems with them, call, and it may take you several times of being on hold, problems with them call and it may take you several times of being on hold but they get to the loyalty department and they will suck your dick because they don't want you to leave that's their whole job the loyalty department is not called that they're called fuck you i'm canceling this and most people netflix i found was the one that didn't do it for me but most people that you've been with if you go go, I'm going to switch from DirecTV to Cable One, they'll go, okay, I'll transfer you to that department, which is really

the how do I suck your dick just enough to get you back. Like a liaison. They're the cooler. They never change us. Retention department. That's what they call it on their side. and that never changes. That is exactly. Retention department. That's what they call it on their side,

but they've spun it to be loyalty because. Either one you ask for, they're going to know what the fuck you're talking about. In the old telemarketing days, it was just the back end. In our telemarketing days, it was the, oh fuck, give them their money back

or we're going to get raided. That's really the only people in customer service that I respect is the ones that realize what an asshole I am and hang up on me because they know I have to call back and get a random other person and they don't have to deal with my shit. The odds are on their favor.

So they'll just, later. That's why I have such a serious problem that I probably need help with. With the Indian call centers is they're not allowed to hang up. So I abuse that privilege. Yeah, you do. But I always try to tell them how much I love them and how beautiful they are afterwards when they capitulate to my demands.

I love them and how beautiful they are afterwards when they capitulate to my demands. Yeah, but you tell them that you're going to fucking scoop their children's eyes out with ice cream scoops first. Grapefruit spoons. Whatever. Whatever. There's a distinction. But then you still make contact with them. Update it. Hey, listen.

I know it's not you. I do that as often as possible, most of the time. When we were in Tucson, I got the room at the A-Loft that we stayed at whenever we were there. Yeah. Because I thought I needed to stay right next to the hospital. This was the most recent time when he was going there. His son was there. Before we got the Airbnb, he had to be there with Kenny.

Yeah, like the first night. I was like, well, I got to stay close because, you know, Jenny has to go to work in the morning and I got to stay here. So I booked that room and then I talked to her. She's like, no, work gave me tomorrow off so I can hang out here. And I'm like, well, then we can find a cheaper room than the fucking one right next door. So I called them back and they refused to book.

And they're like, well, you have to cancel within 24 hours or we have to charge you $91. Did you book this through a third party like Expedia or directly through the hotel? Directly through the hotel, although it went to their booking agency at the hotel. It goes to a central. Yeah, it goes to 800.

Even though I found a... I knew that and called a local number intentionally. Tell me your son's in a coma and shitting the chucks. Listen, I told them... I told them everything I could tell them. It finally ended up with me. I'm about to pull in

your fucking parking lot! And I didn't know I was yelling at one of the call center people so she was like, whatever! She didn't fucking even care even care she's like some crazy person's going to the tucson store again i went i went in and that's when the lady was told she's like i can't uh refund your you know you have to call in and i was we're gonna charge. Well, I remember when we... Go ahead. Well, I told her, I'll burn this whole motherfucker down for less than $91. And then, like, everybody fucking swarmed in, and I was like, oh, fuck, I just made a terrorist threat again. Again. So I had to fucking schmooze it out good.

And I think that's how we got to this. I threatened them, and then I was like, no, I realize it's not you. I apologize. Tomorrow I'm going to feel bad that I threatened to burn this place down because you're here, but you understand how I feel. And I ended up with a bunch of fucking free drinks. I love you, and you're beautiful. Machiavelli.

Beautiful. This happened with fucking Hennigan. Hennigan checked in while Bingo's in a coma and he threw a fucking tantrum over some shit. And they gave him a stack of free drink coupons. I've been there a gentleman the whole goddamn time. I'm paying for every drink and over tipping. The nerve of you. They hired a new bartender because of you.

They gave us free drinks. They hired a new bartender. And you didn't get a coupon. Well, that was one of the things we figured out. Well, because of Hennigan, there is no real management at the Aloft by the UMC in Tucson. They come in like a few hours during the banker's hours is what you'd call it. Yep. But if you need a manager, he asks, I want to see a manager right fucking now.

Well, we don't really have one. Say stripes. Yeah, the fat cook waddles out and acts like security if you start to get belligerent, but that's as close as you're going to get to a manager. They just keep changing their hat. That's the fat jack. What?

Where's your... I was lucky not to go. But I understand. I berated her and then I apologized to her. I'm like, I'm going to feel really bad that I did that tomorrow. But right now, I really don't. Hey, Chad Shank, do you know, I just found this out from Dr. Mark.

I had a collapsed lung as well. I did not know that. I had one fully collapsed lung and they had to go in and scrape it out and blow it back up. And he sent us the x-rays. But I never knew that. I didn't know that. I didn't know most things. That's what my son was just in the hospital for.

I know. I had one lung completely collapsed. Oh, wow. I learned after going to the hospital with you and then going to the hospital with my son. Yeah. You learn how things start to work. Like we had the bar bar and Stan would have the I almost called them waitresses.

The nurses would bring us ice. Waitresses. The nurses would bring us buckets of ice so that we could make drinks. You learn all sorts of new tricks each time you go. The longer you're in there, the more you learn. I learned the last time I'm going to buy, if I ever

have to go to the fucking hospital for any amount of time, I'm going to buy a little red and white cooler. Because if you carry around a little red and white cooler through the hospital, people get the fuck out of your way immediately. It doesn't have to say organs on it or anything. They assume. Yeah. People just move.

You just walk around and get out of your way. Absolutely. You could put a comical radioactive sticker and not mean biohazard. I think Marilyn Manson sells biohazard stickers as part of his thing. I don't want to get detained.

I'm just trying to get places fast. That's my favorite band. Biohazard. They will fucking run out of your... We actually did that I'm just trying to get places fast. That's my favorite band. That's my favorite band. You won't get the dance. Biohazard. They will fucking run out of your... I think there's a Biohazard dance. We actually did that as a gag on that Fox hidden camera show. I wasn't part of that one. Attack of the hidden cameras got changed to...

Invasion. Invasion. Of the hidden cameras. Got changed to something. But it was... The mark is set up to... They spill the donated thing out of a red and white cooler. You have the organ.

No, he did it. That was pretty fucking funny. That wasn't mine. I saw it. I don't think I was involved in that one. I just remember. No, that's another one you're thinking about. That's where I was the paramedic that was too drunk to take a call. remember. No, that's another one you're thinking about. That's where I was the paramedic that was drunk, too drunk to take the call.

Oh, no, that's the one I saw. That was good. That's the one I saw. And you were. Made someone. Yeah, that's the one I saw. Made the mark, field the call. How was all these things not streaming?

But you were trying to. They were. They were. They take them down. That's what you have to do. Listeners, listen, the YouTube shit. Yeah, they're going to do. Listeners, listen to YouTube shit. Yeah, they're going to say, oh, it's a copyright violation. Put it back up.

Well, back in 2003. As long as it's something I've already recorded that's out, I'm not repeating it. Don't film my shit. Did you do a trach on someone and you were describing it like as it was a chicken corpse carcass? Yeah, I think that's the one. That's the one you're talking about. That's not the one I'm talking about with the organ donor. But Chad Shank has a great thing.

Yeah. Yeah, if you get a fucking kidney ICU, yeah, carry a red and white cooler and act like you're in a hurry. If you're going back and forth. Yeah. Which you're going back and forth. Yeah. Which you always are. Yeah. Walk with purpose.

Every time we go to the thrift stores, when we see uniforms, we go, all right, there's eight of these. We could all wear these. How could we fuck with people? If we all have Chinese waiter uniforms, which we do. This is how you fuck with people. You all put them on in the fucking travel suburban, except for Bingo doesn't get one. So everybody's got a manager's uniform, except for me. That's how you fuck with people. You fuck with me. That's how you fuck with people. You fuck with me.

That's how you fuck with person. I think I should take a brief moment to explain that when we do find three or four uniform jerseys that are the same,

we'll buy them while Bingo's distracted buying every fucking ball gown and prom queen outfit. And then we all change into them, me and Chaley and Tracy, and she comes out going, what's up? And we say, Bingo, these are management uniforms. Maybe when you move up to management. I never get one.

I never, ever, ever get a manager uniform. No, you do the next day when we go to another thrift store. And then you put on another uniform and I never get it. I get the hand-me-downs like I'm fucking four years old from my older sister. I hate it. That's so funny. I hate it. All right, here's your management uniform.

And then when you're putting it on, we put on the new ones and go, oh, we're upper management now. But one day. It was so funny because. Hand me down. This is all I get is that fucking hand me down. We bought two sets of management uniforms. One that we presented bingo with while we were getting into the car,

and we all donned the outfits. And then Doug and I found a reason to getting into the car and we all don the the outfits right and then doug and i found a reason to go into the back before we even left and donned the new outfits already that day and then no that moment she's still buttoning the top button and then we go back and sit in the front seats of the car and we're wearing different outfits so lame i hate that lame. I hate that game. I fucking hate that game. Derek is here. And I was going to offer the question of who have we fucked with more, Derek or Bingo?

But it's got to be Bingo. Are you fucking kidding me why would you have to ask anyone that I'll let Derek ruminate on that in case we need a strong closer we'll take a break I got right now I will say

one fucking word that will say who the winner is don't say it during the break I know the word. All right, don't. Fucking shit! No, no, I bleep that.

I definitely bleep that. That's not what I said. No, no, you can think about it. We're going to take a break, Terry. And we're not talking about this during the break. We'll be right back after I throw up. Welcome back, Terry. I drank a lot of milk last night step outside bingo i have to talk about a a television show that you won't get i'm already binging this show based on the commercial. It's kind of like Star Wars

led to Battlestar Galactica. Once there's one genre of something that works, everyone copies it, which I'm happy about now because there's a shitload of stand-up comedy series. Like stand-up comedy drama series. Or yeah, funny, whatever.

I'm not going to bring up a competitor, but stand-up is now a thing, and this show, I've only seen the trailer, and I already know everyone. This is 70ss which if you know me i'm kind of a 70s guy if

you've seen my attire i'll give you a guided tour of my closet this is 19 late 70s early 80s in this uh i'm dying up here as a drama comedy drama it has to be comedy because it's about stand-up comedy it's uh not a spoof but it it mirrors the comedy store where comedy was born in the days of letterman and carson and J.J. Walker and all these people just watching the commercial. I'm like, oh, shit. That's another season I'm not writing because I'm going to be sitting there watching Showtime. And you know it's going to be brilliant. You see, I don't even remember the actress.

There's two series right now where you go, all right, shut the fuck up, old lady actress. I can't get a job because I'm a woman of a certain age. There's the one, all right, fuck, I should have done some research. There's the one that she's like the Sopranos boss. I can't remember her fucking name. It's not Ellen Barkin, is it? It is! Ellen Barkin.

Thank you for saving me. Sometimes we freeball the commercials. But what we're talking about here is the Showtime original drama series, I'm Dying Up Here. I'm Dying Up Here on Showtime. Well, we have to say it at the front. Sundays, 10 o'clock, 9 central on Showtime.

Or you can always just go ahead and download the Showtime app, and you can start a free trial. And then you don't need to subscribe to it. Or you don't have to have it on cable. Or you can DVR it. Or you can just show up for live taping. You can't do that. I guess that part's not really in the beats. But if you are a fan of stand-up comedy at all,

this is where it really started was the comedy store in that age. But they have it in the same – you know it's Mitzi Shore and Jimmy J.J. Walker and Hacks and aspiring comics just fucking live or die. This was the Gilded Age, is that right? Or Golden Age? Golden Age. Gilded is kind of the same.

I don't know what Gilded means. This is the era that... Tracy would be the English major that would... Correct me. This was the era of late-night talk show hosts when if Johnny asked you onto the couch that you were vetted, that was it. Just be it on Carson, but if he asked you to come over, that was a big thing. This is the age that started the boom in the 80s

where there were not enough comedians to fill the clubs. So you could just have a half dozen three Jews and a monk walk into a bar jokes and you're making $3,000 a week because of this era. But it's not like a comedy show. It's a drama. I'm trying to think of an analogy. But the whole 70s shit is coming back where all these movies that are set, it's set in this perfect age of bad hair, bad suits, Bad acts. And I'm already not writing jokes to watch this. Every episode, I can't wait.

I love it. Is it bullet points? I didn't need to read the bullet points. I saw the commercial and I went, oh, fuck. I hope I'm not on the road. But you know what? Like you, I have DVR. So, yeah.

When you get back off the road, you're going to watch this. And you go, eh, I'm funnier than that. The series premiere of I'm Dying Up Here is on Sunday, June 4th at 10, 9 Central, only on Showtime. And if you don't have the premium subscription, you can go ahead and download the Showtime app And if you don't have the premium subscription,

you can go ahead and download the Showtime app and watch it on your iPad or whatever device. Yeah, if you're one of those people that watches TV shows on a phone, on a half-inch screen like they do in Bisbee, yeah, download that app. I don't know, maybe you have a fucking 60-inch laptop. Executive producer Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey. And one of the comics is our buddy Al Madrigal.

Al Madrigal's on it? Oh, that's great. Yeah, yeah. And you'll recognize a bunch of other faces, too. I recognize a lot of the people in the trailer. We don't even have to promote this. Anyone who listens to this podcast is already on top of this. And they've probably already tweeted me the end of the first episode.

Oh, you're going to see how it ends. And it's a cliffhanger. Well, of course it is because it's the first episode. I'm dying up here. If you haven't lived it, watch it and learn it. You'll feel what it's like to die up there.

And you could tell just by the trailer it's accurate, which is very rare in shows about stand-up comedy. Don't miss the series premiere of I'm Dying Up Here on Sunday, June 4th at 10,

9 Central, only on Showtime. And check it out. That's where we're going to be. Or on DVR whenever you wake up. Yeah. Gotta promise not to stop when I say you win. J. Lee said. All right, we left you last on a cliffhanger, but that will be short-lived.

Have we fucked with Bingo more than Derek? I've fucked with Derek more than Bingo on an angry level. Give me a break. I do. Personally, I think you fuck with us both as much as you can. Bingo falls for it a lot more like when you had the baby mask on and she flipped two or three feet off the ground and hit her head on the heater. But also I was mad about the dead bat for about two years. And then whenever you said, hey, we got a present for you, I actually thought it was a real present.

And I went inside and there was a dead bat under the blanket. And I was mad about that for a long time, but then I realized. I love that you were mad for two years about a joke that Stan Hope doesn't remember. No idea what you're talking about. I was mad about the bat until I went home one day, and I have a dead bat in a jar that somebody had given me, and I'm like, I can't be mad about that, because somebody has given me

a dead bat before, and I was probably supposed to put it in a jar. I don't think I did this. I think that's why I fuck with Derek more, because I don't believe him did this. I think that's why I fuck with Derek more because I don't believe him. At least Bingo believes. Do you remember the bat? In a jar?

No. No, no. The one I have is in a jar. Bingo, you can't shake your head yes and no. I remember the bat. The bat was not in a jar. The bat came in from a no. I remember the bat. The bat was not in the jar. The bat came in from a cat.

And you told me it was a present. Is this a Dr. Seuss thing? Yeah. I see you too. That's funny. He was wearing a hat. One bat, two bat. Red bat, blue bat.

I've felt bad more for fucking with Derek than I have Bingo, because Bingo pretends to hate it and loves it. Why would you do that to me? I didn't have an opinion on this until right now, but I just realized that you fuck with Bingo more publicly, so we all know about it. But you fuck with Derek privately more publicly, so we all know about it. But you fuck with Derek privately, like angry mornings and stuff that I didn't think about.

That seems more... He caught me jerking off once, and I hate him still. With a bat? He pretended not notice, but he didn't pretend well enough. You jerk off? You should have pretended better. I just thought I'm never using that towel again. Wait, which towel?

Jesus Christ. The one near the laptop. The one near the laptop. Never touch a tissue by a laptop. Hey, gay cousin Eric. The pink room is off limits. I recognize it as a hotel towel and threw it away immediately.

That's back when he used to do his job. Wait, you threw away Doug's lucky towel? I'll say all the towels around here are hotel towels. None of them are lucky. I do want to say that Doug does try to fuck with me a lot and fails because he does a thing where he's trying to fuck with me, and I'm standing there so stoned that I go, and he thinks his bitch failed, and I'm so high that I haven't caught on to the fact that he's trying to fuck with me yet. And he goes, okay, so the thing's over, and I still haven't even figured out what he's trying to do yet.

So he does try to fuck with me a lot when I don't realize he's trying to we just give you a lot of shit where we fuck with bingo so that was that was kind of the fatal flaw in the argument that we left that with I used to give you a lot of shit where we still

fuck with bingo but not so much since see bingo can bring this coma thing into anything this is the same way derrick there's good things about being in a coma and i've had to learn every good thing about being in a coma but derrick was life flighted all my knees have fucking plutonium joints and i now you you both have the same kind of You can't fuck with me because I'm retarded now Well you were both always retarded

I never ever said You couldn't fuck with me because I'm retarded now I've told you the best thing about being in a coma I've told you what that was Jump in. Just lean over his shoulder. Can he tell us? Yeah, the best thing about being in

the coma is they said, you are going to absolutely experience short-term memory loss no matter what. And I think that's fucking great because now I can say, yeah, me and my times tables, we were like this. But now with my short-term memory, I don't know what my times tables are.

But we were like best fucking friends, me and my times tables. I never knew my times tables. Fuck that shit. If people want to make fun of you for your short-term memory, they can't give you shit about it. If they want to be like, ha-ha, you don't remember anything, you're fucking retarded, then they can't be like, ha-ha, you forgot this. Oh, yeah. Difference being, we knew Bingo before her coma when she was just as retarded.

Derek sells us on the fact that I manipulated the stock market and I could see Cassiopeia in the stars. And I did all these things until my accident. We have to just take him at his word, which we don't. to just take him at his word, which we don't. I was a big player back in Festus, Missouri. All right, now this is where we segue. Go ahead.

No, I didn't think. I'm out. Bingo and I stick together. We don't make fun of each other. We don't fuck with each other. She fucks with you behind your back like we all do, but that's why I wait until I'm drunk until I go, hey, this is what we're saying behind your back

later on. I do that to Bingo too. And Bree. Tom, I'm waiting for him to get more comfortable. The number one reason I think we fuck with Bingo more, like you said, it's more public. It's more fun. Well, on Vine, when we did the ant. And then we were relentless during that tour with putting a bug in front of her.

And then the buildup of... The most fake bug ever. Yeah. Like a big – like a huge ant. It was the – That was a purple ant with fuzz on it that was three feet long. No, that was the scorpion. Yeah, but you put it in scary places for fuck's sake.

Like in my drawers. You put it in my fucking pants. I was scared to death. The best is when he's got the bug. Doug's like, Bingo's on Doug's left, and he's got the bug in his right hand reaching over to set it right in front of her face, and Bingo's

crashed out. And then he reaches his left arm around and just barely reaches over, tickles her nose just enough to where she rubs it, and then he tickles it again. She opens her eyes, and there's the fucking big ant right in front of her face. And then she flips.

She, like, ends up on the floor, which that is the reason why we fuck with her more, because it was more public, and it was more frequent. Anybody wonder why I was in a coma, you fat fucking motherfuckers? why I was in a coma, you fat fucking motherfuckers? That's why Vine shut down was because Sam Hope manipulated it because he didn't want his Vine being released of him scaring you

with a giant purple ant just before you fell down. You guys, this is the segue. Chad Shank and Bingo, you're at Safeway or not me you just look alike

all white guys look alike to him Tom Konopka and Bingo were at Safeway the local embassy did you meet each other there or did you go no no they have a story look

when you were on tour, it was three weeks. Bingo and I were at Safeway almost every day. Yeah, okay. That was the joy of it. Missing you, but getting to know Bingo that much better. Yeah. We had some fucking times. So we're at Safeway.

And I don't know who your friends were behind us, but we were in line. I know who they were. I know you don't. Is Kenny here? Kenny's girlfriend. Oh, is that who it was? Kristen. Kristen.

Oh, that's who the fuck it was. I didn't realize it. It was Kristen and her kid with kids. Yeah. Are you sure? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You mean Wriston?

You're changing the names, aren't you? Right. These are people that are... Yeah. Control F. Don't sue me. Control left. Kids with kids.

For a lot of my listeners, these are people that shouldn't have kids at their age, much less grandkids, but they do. I don't know. Anyway. No, the bottom line was that we were shopping at Safeway, and bingo, as she's walking out in front of me, and I'm pushing the cart, we walk right by the exit, and that's where they've got the red box. No, but it was the Coinstar. The green machine's right there.

And there was some big guy, actually looked about the size of Chris Dunwoody. Your audience may not know. But the guy was standing there. Tall, lanky. Yeah, tall, lanky, but an older dude with gray hair. And he had his pants pulled bare-ass all the way down to the middle of his thigh. So now Bingo goes by, and I know she sees him and doesn't say shit. I can tell she's starting to, she was laughing.

I was taken aback. Yeah, she was just like. I mean, this is dramatic. You couldn't talk. It was right in your face. And I even told her. You could see it was like a fucking, I don't want to call it a bingo card, but you could see that.

Yeah. I could sell you right. Forgive the bingo rapper. Yes. And as I'm pushing by, I just couldn't help it. I said, hey, pal, pull your pants up. Your ass is hanging out. And he said, oh, thank you.

And he was happy about it. Yes. So now, as we're going out. As he would be. Bingo was laughing so fucking hard. But then we looked back. And what is her name? Kristen.

And the baby must have heard it also. I didn't realize that was that loud. And she was bent over laughing. She was fucking dying. It was just fun to see you laugh fucking much. But you never know. There it was. Little bare-ass incident at Safeway.

See, that's how babies get killed. Exactly. You make a mother laugh so much that she keels over, smashes the baby's head in Sherry's lane at Safeway on the linoleum. That's the, that's the whole point. I'm saying don't be funny at Safeway ever. It was fucking great.

I would laugh. I almost got arrested for a sex crime for peeing in public with a bunch of other guys late night after a party in high school. And this guy's walking around bare fucking ass at the Coinstar and goes, oh, thank you. Top of the day. Exactly. What the fuck? He wasn't.

The guy was actually. Yeah. He was polite. Yeah. He said thank you and meant it. Yeah. So. Oh, thank you.

But he didn't pull it up quick enough. But if he was pants down to his thighs, that means this guy was dick out at the fucking Coinstar. He did a reverse Chad Shank. The waistband just went down to his butt cheeks. The other side, it was way up top.

He short-sheeted the front. He did the short shank. Exactly. It was fucking fun. But yeah, he was way up top. He short sheeted the front. He short sheeted the front. He did the short shank. Exactly. It was fun. But yeah, he was very aristocratic. Well, thank you. So if I had a monocle and a top hat while I'm peeing in front of fucking a cop. Smoking jacket. Exactly. Yeah, it'd be cool.

Oh, thank you, my good man. Yes. Lynn Shawcroft was here for the Burt Kreischer Swapcast. Left later than us. She was fun. She's fun, but she can't get the fuck

out of here. She's either late getting here or late leaving. We had to ditch her, but she figures it out. She did. She showed up without her teeth a lot of times. She had her teeth at night when she went at about 3 in the morning to raid the refrigerator. What'd she got?

I was texting her on the day that she was supposed to leave, and I go, well, we'll figure out a ride, but I need to get you out of the Airbnb by, let's say, 11. Is that good? And it's like 9, 30, 10, right? There's plenty of time. Right. Is that good? And it's like 9.30, 10, right? There's plenty of time.

So at 11.30, I go over there and she goes, Shaylee, Shaylee, Shaylee, I've got things put together. I'll do that and I'll just meet you over at Black Knob and that's fine. All right, all right. But then I go, hey, no, I haven't seen this place. I want to check it out. There is shit late. Like someone took a dresser and dumped everything into the bathroom. I'm like, well, I guess we ought to do a little bit.

Like an episode of Hoarders after two days at an Airbnb. I want to be a hoarder. How do I start? How do I start? I want to be on the fast track. And I want to throw everything I own right now in one spot. How do I do this efficiently? Where do I start here? to be on the fast track and i'm i want to throw everything i own right now in one spot how do i do this efficiently where do i start here this was the this was uh ground zero for for hoarderdom

yeah and then three hours later she ended up here well chad's referring to bingo that bedroom at the airbnb immediately is just chaos where we have nothing, but somehow there's shit. Half of that bedroom is yours, motherfucker. Yeah. Half of the shit wasn't mine. It was, your shit was everywhere. I was not referring to that at all, Bingo. That was Stan Hope, 100%.

I love that he segued by throwing you under the bus. That was great. What Chad Schick meant is I'm a fucking asshole. She said that you were completely chaotic, but on the Swabcast, she was saying that, Doug, how you leave everything so fucking messy. Oh, my God. I had so many things I could have said. On tour, the fucking

Hedbergs lit a fucking bed on fire in the Westin and we fucking laughed. I think they left a bunch of money on the thing but we laughed. I'm like, you're fucking calling Doug out? I held my tongue on that one. I don't remember most of that. I was not

that drunk for the swap cast that we did on stage that was my first time being on stage like that so i wanted to ask you a question about that like i don't to me it seems kind of like a fight like i remember it like i do being in a fight i just said this was that last night or today where it's like being in a fist fight when you you walk off stage oh someone was talking about that first time on stage and you go i i don't remember how it went oh it's like a fist fight you just walk out all right well then that answers my question because that's what i wanted to see because that's what kind of i that's the only thing i can equate it with is i remember parts of it, but I was not

fucked up enough that I should not remember parts of it. I think it was more of adrenaline or I don't know. When you pulled out your balls and started swinging them like a fucking lariat, that was fucking killer. That was the next day. I would have seen that

all over Twitter by now if that happened. Hey, thank you for that. If nothing else, I've not seen anywhere people that were bootlegging that podcast. That is true. Came out pretty fast. Yeah. Yeah, we put it out for free. If you can't get here, you're going to hear it.

Kenny was policing the auditorium. He did stop a couple people from what they say were pictures but were clearly video. But, I mean, it was efficient enough and it was polite enough that, you know, hey, just fucking just be here. Yeah. Yeah, everyone's cool. Relative and shit. We had a blast. Who gives a fuck what other people thought we heard two people i think this has already been recorded but two people were upset that this is bullshit because we weren't doing

stand-up comedy where you made every effort to make people aware that it was nothing to do there's no there's no stand-up anywhere. That's what it said in the ticket purchase. All over everywhere. It said, this is not a stand-up show. This is a live recording of a podcast. I'll tell you right now, I don't see how somebody who appreciates stand-up and what it is

couldn't appreciate that because I get to do the podcast all the time here at the Funhouse where we're just kind of fucking hanging out and it's low-key and stuff. So I kind of take it for granted a little bit. But the parts that I do remember was Stanhope fucking playing from the crowd was so much, like to be able to sit right there and see Stanhope doing what he does, playing to the crowd was fucking amazing to me. I'm fucking with you.

Totally agree. Am I already drunk? I came here to see memorized material in a structured way that it deviates only a little from night to night. How dare you be extemporaneous in front of us

and be off the cuff. Fuck you. Where do I get a refund? Right here to the great egress. And funny. Fuck you. Where do I get a refund? Right here to the great egress. Fuck off. Fuck that. Yeah. I've had nothing but great reports. And honestly, if we do this again, it's going to be based on whether you had fun and whether

you think there's any value to it. Yeah. It's based on if I have fun, if Burt Kreischer or my other guests have fun, if my co-hosts have fun. I'm fucking 50 years old and that's in 1800 years of a life expectancy.

That's 17th century. I'm an old man the way I live. So yeah, I'm having fun and I don't give a shit about you. Look, it was fucking great. There was nothing but positive at the theater, at the after fucking party. It was fun to give out drinks. It was fun for Tracy to make them, I'm sure.

Oh, Tracy, I'm bang on. Absolutely. Nothing but positive. This one, Jack off. Who the fuck? I recognize that was the guy that lives in that park across from the Royale. We had people that from New York that came here from New York to go just to the show. Oh, absolutely.

It's the locals. Nothing but positive. When we're doing a podcast here and they come over and drink and they leave. That's the first podcast they watched where they had to pay for drinks. This is bullshit. This is fucking... This is fucking –

This isn't a fun house. These are on the house. What? No, it was nothing but positive. Everyone was fucking cool. All right, let's close this by talking about – because Kenny just showed up. And Kenny, Chad, Chaley, you're not naked. We have no naked pictures of Derek yet

but the Chaley challenge can you explain this go ahead who do you want to explain this well it started who took the picture I took the picture it was the day after the swap cast

and we were all hanging out still the same day as the swap cast for me yeah everybody was up After the swap cast, and we were all hanging out at the pool. Still the same day as the swap cast for me. Yeah. Yeah, everybody was up. And Shaylee did a naked cannonball into the pool. But it was the running down the fucking lawn. Well, that was earlier.

That was the first naked jump in the pool. You did a couple of things. That'll exfoliate your feet. Oh, no, that was the fucking, no, that was the belly flops that I have. You guys are running all of it together. I don't know. Yeah, that's wasted. I've got you. Shaley and Kenny did a belly flop challenge and Kenny couldn't do any belly flops.

I did. I was in on that, but I left before. And Shaley did the belly flop. But Shaley had his clothes on for all. No, no, no. Right. This was later. Sorry. Sorry. You did the belly flop. But Shaylee had his clothes on for all the belly flops. No, no, no, right. This was later. Sorry.

Sorry. He did the sauna. And then all of a sudden, everybody was hanging out at the pool, and Shaylee came down pinwheeling his shorts. That's what Carrie and Tracy were saying. And I forget the quote was, come on, panty waists. Yes. Something similar to that.

Yeah. And then naked Shaylee dive bombombed into the pool, and it was one of the most hilarious moments of the day. That was killer. But the picture. Well, later, a little bit later when everybody else was, I think, in the sauna or somewhere else, Shaylee was standing over on the side, and Shawnee was walking up from the gate.

He just walked in. I have that on. And as Shawnee walked up, Shaylee just took his pants off and goes, Hey, what's up, Shawnee? And got naked. And then Shawnee just didn't miss a beat

and was like, Hey, how's it going? Shaylee and walked up to the thing. And then Shaylee said, Get your camera ready for the naked cannonball. So I pulled out my camera and fucking happened to snap

an amazing picture of Shaylee doing a naked cannonball. So I pulled out my camera and fucking happened to snap an amazing picture of Shaylee doing a naked cannonball. Perfect angle. Junk in. Completely sanitized for public consumption. I waited. Even though he gave me drunk consent, I still waited because we all

privately laughed hysterically about the picture. Why don't you post that? And I'm like, I'm going to wait until Shayla gets me okay. I do remember looking at the photo with one hand over an eye going, yeah, that's cool. But like not really. And he also said, there's not balls, right? There's no beans and weenies are hanging from that.

That's completely good to post. Yeah, we didn't edit it. Good technique, Shaylee. And with the Shaylee Challenge, I have to say, because I'm down with it. We haven't got to the Shaylee Challenge yet. So the Shaylee Challenge was after the picture. You did the same thing I did. Shaylee Challenge.

I think that's how it should be pronounced. Sure. Shaylee Challenge. Make up your mind with the C-H already. Like you said, somebody's finally spelling your name right. This is the first time in my life where people know how to pronounce my name or spell it. Yeah, we're going to pronounce it right. But it was Jason Fury responded to the original picture and said,

I'd like to see a bunch of people post this, you know, on something else. And then Stanhope retweeted it and as soon as that happened, it was on. And then since then, my Twitter's been broken. I get like, I get 40, I get about 40 per five minutes. Endless tweets. I've missed

so many of these fucking Shaylee Challenge pictures because... My phone went to fucking tilt. So many of these fucking Shaley Challenge pictures because – Yeah. My phone went to fucking tilt. At one point, I'm like, it'll be funny. Girls volleyball. I'm like, can I do my own thing?

And then I fucking did it. And then the showerhead one. I'm like, we're the Gargantuas. And I'm – night chasing there. There's a movie that we're not watching and we're both doing a thing on juxtaposer. And I go, Tracy, there's other people doing what we're doing. This is weird. I think that's when it really took off, too, was because I think some people were kind of like, oh, poor Shaley.

Like, these guys are dicks doing this to Shaley. like, oh, poor Shaley. These guys are dicks doing this to Shaley. And then once Shaley was like, no, here's the ones I made. And other people were fucking bombing in with them. There's some great ones. Hashtag Shaley Challenge.

Shaley Challenge. With a C-H. I was in Hawaii. I miss most of them. I've caught up. Lemon Party is my favorite. Too easy. Yeah, but that was skilled Photoshop work. It was.

Tracy, you layered the foot in front of one of the old geezers' heads. I get it. It's rudimentary, but I get it. That looks impressive. Well, that's my favorite disgusting picture from my history of the internet. Yeah. Where back then they called it three old queers. Yeah.

Goatsy guy would be the other. Right. With the big. But there's one that's goatsy guy like with a chick. Yeah. When I see that, I just, I don't even look at it. Oh, the 600 pound spread eagle digging. I haven't seen that one yet. That's a good one. You know the one. Yeah, I just don't even look at it. Oh, the 600-pound spread eagle digging something out of another lens.

That's a good one. You know the one. Yeah, I retweeted that one. I immediately thought about Shaylee Challenge. I like the 3D theater where the whole crowd is black and white with glasses on, and then I'm in color with 3D glasses on. That's one of the ones I missed. Yeah, I didn't see that one today.

Shaylee's got a bunch of them. I've got all of them. I'm saving all of them. You have to hashtag it Chaley Challenge. C-H-A-I-L-L-E Challenge. That's the hashtag if you want us to see it. Thanks, Jason Fury. This has fucking been hilarious.

Absolutely, Jason. Chad, let's not gloss over the fact. You fucking took a great picture. That is actually, I mean, let's not gloss over the fact. You fucking took a great picture. That is actually, I mean, do we thank iPhone? I mean, what the fuck? That was a new iPhone. Everybody's bragging about their Photoshop abilities. That picture was actually taken during a sex act, and then I Photoshopped it in over a pool.

Chad! So that was not even a cannonball. You son of a bitch. I was taken in confidence. You son of a bitch. It was during my cult initiation after the Swapcast. Yeah, skull and boners. That picture turned out so great.

I just snapped, I think, two pictures when Chaley was in the air, and I got that one, and I have just the moment he hit and splashed into the water afterwards. I tried so hard for my balls to be out. I don't know what happened. I look like a pro, but, you know, I was really trying to fuck out. They were before that shot. Brilliant shot.

Fucking bravo. All right. Let me hit some thank yous. Get the fuck out. Say thank you for the vape starter kit. Lynn Shawcroft stole that. There's a cappuccino on there. You see that?

You see some of the flavors? I don't know. I throw away... I saw... Well, I've seen at least three stories, but vaping where the thing explodes and blows people's jaws off and all their teeth out of their mouth. And yeah, no.

Bingo was trying to vape for a while. No, can we plug something? Yeah. Can we plug CBD? You know me. Hey. It helped my trach scars so much, and it helps my... Let Chad do it.

All right. Well, so both the CBD ointment that we got... Ointment and the oil. And then the CBD oil, which is two different things. One's for topical treatment, and the other one is for anxiety-type things. Well, it helps my vocal cords. I can speak better. Angle tincture.

The second one is sublingual. So one is oral, and the other one is topical, right? There we go, yeah, topical, and then one goes under the tongue. But it helped my vocal cords for speaking, my speaking voice. Absolutely. So much. And then it also took down my scar a lot. It is incredible.

You can't do that. My scar is amazing now. It really is. No, it's grotesque. It just hits me. I like the tube. That would be Doug fucking with me. No, the tube.

CBDBs. Anyway, go ahead. Go ahead with your thank yous. So someone sent a vape thing. I'm always going to miss someone. No, on that sheet right there. The one to your left. Someone from Minnesota sent something.

Right there. I know. It's written out. And said it so well. Thank you, Tom. Oh, wait. For Brian Hennigan, a Minnesota scratcher from at Salt the Graves. I don't even know what the fuck that is.

This is Twitter, but he wrote it so horribly that I'm like, hey, Chad, what the fuck? Why would you write this and then say, get me another envelope? This goes to Kenny. Is Kenny here? It's a scratch ticket from Minnesota. Oh, that's what it is. Yeah. Stacks of gold.

Hey, I think you won $2. I was looking at a scratch ticket. Kenny plays scratch tickets. Yeah, I know, but it's a winner. So you're the kind of guy that will actually fill out the back, mail it to Minnesota, and wait for some kind of cashier's check. I think so, huh? Yeah, from St. Paul.

And Jesse Ventura has a stamp as the governor because it's that old. You gave Kenny way too much credit. Kenny was thinking he was going to get $2 off bus fare to Minnesota to go collect his money. Every filled out card is entered into a contest to win. That's a funny idea is to get a GoFundMe of where to send Kenny via Greyhound bus so he can see America. I know I would be, I'd kind of be stealing this as I think it through from Ricky Gervais and the –

Idiot Abroad. Idiot Abroad. Yeah, but we're also – the best part is we're stealing it from James Inman with the Greyhound Diaries and making Kenny our new James Inman. So you know James Inman is going, you stole that from me. You're sending your idiot all the way across America on a ground bus! Hey James, our idiot was more idiot-er. Kenny, don't laugh at that.

Well, we'd have to talk his wife into it. Or pay his wife into it. Easier. And then Kenny would have to talk his wife into it or pay his wife into it. Easier. And then Kenny would have to accept the fact that we can buy you, Kenny. Your wife doesn't care as long as we give her half the money that we spend on Greyhound tickets. I don't know if you're serious or not, but I like this idea. I love this idea. I'm serious.

I love the idea of putting Kenny on a fucking bus. Actually, it should be Planes, Trains, Audibles. We give him a nice spread when he gets there. We give him a nice tour of the Alamo and San Antonio or whatever

and a good hotel, but he has to take the Greyhound bus to get there. Our idiot here. There you go. Idiot without his bra. Hey, Kenny, get your passport to Texas ready. All right. Oh, hold on.

I got something. My glasses. Sorry. I got the dates for Chrysler. Oh, shit. We got to... What about our dates? Pre-order my book on Amazon.

Yes. It's called This Is Not Fame. And just go pre-order it now on Amazon. It doesn't come out until October, but if you get it now, it'll be number one on the charts of... Can you pre-order mine yet?

Not until you fucking get it done. There's actually a link up right now. There's a page up for Doug's. You've tricked us long enough, Bingo. All you have to do is change some names. I know. You've been tricking us for 10 years, plugging your book.

It's coming. We can preorder Doug's book now? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. It still says Blotto Biography as a subtitle, but I'm saving that for the next one. That's a different book altogether. That's people who remember shit I don't even remember.

So Bert Kreischer will be playing the Blue Note Hawaii on May 31st. It's on Saratoga. It's five blocks from Arnold's on Kalakaua Street. So basically you can walk there. And, yeah, go there. It's where Dukes is. It's behind Dukes. I have dates coming up starting mid-June through God knows when.

June 20th in West Nyack. Either way, yeah, I get to go on the road. I'll have jokes. Jokes. can i can i throw out a a morgan murphy plug who goes hey can i uh do some of those dates with you well i don't know what dates i'm doing yet well do you hate me no i don't hate morgan murphy i pay her even more than my favorite comics because yeah maybe Morgan Murphy's gonna be there but she

might get a writing gig so stop fucking with me Morgan Murphy yes I enjoy you on the road stop being a fucking lightweight going well I don't think you like the yeah you're you're great.

Everyone loves you. Stop bothering me and making me pay attention to what I'm doing in the future that I don't care about. I'm still not done with the book, you fucking asshole. And bring that HDMI cable so when we want to go to your room and watch Netflix. Thank you. I might come for a little bit. Just a little, thank you. I might come for a little bit. Just a little bit. Bingo wants to come for a little bit.

She always does, and then she always backs out at the last minute. The doctors say don't do anything with any kind of stimulation. You don't even see doctors anymore. You quit speech therapy even. I did quit, but that's because I'm doing it on my own. I sing and play guitar on my own all the time. That's what I was doing in speech therapy. All right.

And all those other people that email me about stuff, one day I'm never going to get back to you. If I haven't, sometimes I'm in a mood, and I say thank you for a nice compliment. But the other ones, it's so deep. I can't get back to you. Greg Jaley was here tonight. Chad Shank was here tonight.

Ding dong, bing bong, bing, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, and was here. Tom Konopka was here. Derek was on mic. Derek and Bree did not punch each other in the face at any point. It's a fucking record. Totally early. Tracy got us drunk and...

Say that again. Castle Rock Kenny here. Go Preds. Yeah, where is Kenny? He was just here. There he is. Castle Rock Kenny. That's it.

Maybe he'll be with us. he is. Castle Rock Kenny. That's it. Maybe he'll be with us. Maybe we make Castle Rock Kenny take a Greyhound bus and try to keep up with us in the van. Where is he now? Exactly. We drive, but he has to take a Greyhound bus. The day behind the podcast. Yeah. We put a lav mic on him

and he just run this the whole way through. Hey, where are you guys? I'm in some ghetto. Dude, that gig was three days ago. Yeah. Go where you were going to go before that. That's where I was going. I was going for a close.

Hey, how about a song? I thought we were closing with one of Bingo's songs. Yeah, that's a song? You got a song? Let's get out of here. I thought we were closing with one of Bingo's songs. Yeah, that's a must. Well, my favorite is... I have two. What's your second favorite? Let Me Out. We plugged your book.

It's called Let Me Out, so we'll go with Let Me Out. Okay. Coming to you this summer. It's coming to you in a week. And this one's Let Me Out. This is the song. It's this summer. Bingo, we're pre-recording this for 2018.

Oh, okay. Okay, play Let Me Out. We're going to plug the posthumous book. I so wish I had a big, fat, three-foot ant right now to lay next to. Oh, shit. Ichabod's barking. That means there's a better guest here coming on the next podcast, a better guest at Ichabod's Barking Out.

Thank you, everyone, for listening and supporting. Good night. My discontented blood embarks Down the right side of my forehead At the where there used to be hairline Vaults of brow a clear an eye and lands on my cheekbone then continues

south till it falls from my chin the comfort of incision And demise of adrenaline A wound I attempt In desperation to shun

Yet silently crave to possess For touch and reflection As a mere souvenir When the bottom feeding is done They've taken my clothes along with my dignity My pen along with my dignity, my pen along with my creativity, my saxophone, my voice, my paper along with my belt and my confidence, My belt and my confidence.

My toothbrush and my relevance. My shoelace, my integrity. My friend and my beauty. Back off! The voices have returned. From a blinding man's holiday and are still not responding to logic or cause. More excruciating than your usual culmination, my candy apex is unsheathing its clout. A costly disorder this can be And I haven't a penny to my name To my soul, to my shame

Lucy, you walk me into hallucination. But this time, don't bring me back. They've taken my phones along with my dignity. My pen along with my dignity, my pen, along with my creativity, my saxophone, my voice, my paper, along with my belt and my confidence, my toothbrush and my relevant my shoelace my integrity my friend and my beauty fuck off let me out of this fucking concrete cage Just grab me by one breath outside There is no energy left to be had And I'm choking, I'm choking on my pride My fingernails are torn

And my blood is on the wall Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out. Mama's gonna buy you

That mockingbird And if that Mockingbird don't sing Mama's gonna buy you A diamond ring And if that Diamond ring turns brass Mama's gonna buy you A looking glass

And if that Looking glass gets broke Mama's gonna buy you A billy goat And if that Billy goat falls down Mine was gone by you The one who's holding back