The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #212: Morning After the SwapCast

Episode Date: June 6, 2017

Doug, Bert, Chad & Hennigan run through what they remember from the SwapCast. Recorded May 21, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Bert Kreischer (@BertKreischer), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), Castlerock Kenny, & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille. This episode is sponsored by ProFlowers.com – Get $10 off any purchase of $29.00 or more with promo code 'stanhope' at checkout and Casper.com –Get $50 toward any mattress purchase by visiting www.casper.com/STANHOPE. Terms and Conditions Apply. Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List to get first crack at future tickets. Closing song, "Party Time", by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes. LINKS: - Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/ - Bert Kreischer Tour Dates at http://www.BertBertBert.com - Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

no she's she's right if she was elvis and she didn't shoot the tv i i would be the boss hog that fired her oh it's not live in the times but definitely live in the time or town because we can shoot all these things you're living in the wrong place not the wrong time point where we're talking about going to one of those fourth world nations where people still have never seen running water, they haven't invented a wheel, and these they still exist.

And you just said, I would love to live in a time where you can still shoot TVs. I miss that. Because we wanted to shoot the TV because the fucking penguins just went up six to nothing. That's a lot in hockey standards. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like soccer. Point being that it's not when it's not. Yeah, you can live. If you want to go back to primordial days, those tribes still exist in the Amazon. Here's the difference. Here's the difference.

You set up your life so that you drive the ship. I set up my life that I have to get someone to agree with where the ship goes. Like I realized that. I realized that. Yeah, I realized that. No, you didn't set it up. You fell into a trap. That might be it.

Yeah. Like I said to my wife one time she said we were sitting with our business manager and she's he said what's your life goal i said to be on a beach on a bar on a beach i want to own a bar on a beach and do some stand-up do some music make ribs make french fries like make some hot wings buddy road comedy we're buddy cop road comedy yeah we're billy crystal and fucking that's tommy rocker and the guy who can dance the gay black dancer yeah and my wife goes i i get skin cancer i don't want to go to the beach and i was like oh fuck my whole life dream is fucked because she wants to go to the mountains

she wants to live in the mountains closer to the sun at high altitude yeah she wants to live in she wants to buy a place in big bear and No, no. She wants below sea level mountains, you fucking idiot. Yeah, sorry. I was just taking a coal bike to Groundhog Day, you fucking mook. Which everyone else got. I like this, Hennegan. I love this, Hennegan. The guy who puts the H in whiskey?

Yes. I didn't put it in. Say it, say it, say it. Whiskey. Whiskey. Whiskey. I feel like there should be a wall, like a volleyball between us. Because I'm surly, and I feel like I have a partner.

Oh, yeah. I don't feel surly. I feel surly. I feel surly. Do you want to come on my side? I know I'm not necessarily right. I can't find my phone. That's my biggest thing.

And I'm not supposed to talk, so I'm going to stop. Don't worry. We're going to put Mamu in. Chad's on his way over. Chad, it'll take over for you. We have to do one commercial. For Blue Apron? We'll do it.

I'll do it with my good eye. Oh, shit. Every time you kept fucking up, I kept trying to remember. We have to set up last night's podcast. That's subjective. Last night was so much fucking fun. I kept fucking up. I love that. You kept fucking up. I love that.

I kept fucking up. You mean I made the fucking go thing go? You don't know what's happening over here. The fucking card wasn't getting a good read, so I had to go get another fucking digital recorder. If I went on stage and I did five minutes of, oh, hang on.

I can't find my notes. Hang on. Where's my shoes? We did that in Charleston. But I killed the time. That's where we got the boot on the car right in front of the bar that the owner said

park there. And I came out and I go, we're getting the fuck out of here. We're not doing merch or nothing. And there was a boot on the fucking car. When Chaley says we're not doing merch, that means I don't want to make money. I'm in fear for my life. Louisiana? That's his.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we moved good merch last night. We're backing up to the venue because we might need to get out of here quick. Don't take your personal effects. Kill the headlights and put it in neutral. Is that from Blues Brothers? No, it's from that fucking Moby Scientology fucking cunt. I just copy what he does.

It's Moby, isn't it? No. No, no. Yeah. Kill the headlights and put it in neutral. By the way, Bert, we do this sometimes because we want email so people will tell us. It's smart. It's like reaching out to fans

and getting them to interact. It's kind of like when I told you it's kind of like when I bet you $20 that you were wrong with Kenny because Kenny has a virtual bet on driving yet again back to the place and you have a reason to go to show your right

and both of you fucking left and i said 20 i'll bet you 20 neither of you wanted to drive there until i bet you 20 bucks and it was worth 20 to get you out of there so your wife jumped out i threw all my money in my wallet down there as a as a hey fuck you i'll do this because the last time i bet you i bet my own paycheck i had to play tennis in a wool fucking suit to win it back with a fucking asshole cousin that didn't know how to play tennis wasn't a real cousin and bert's to catch you up he knew when he came back, you were there. He goes, no, I put $41 in there. He emptied his wallet. He goes, I'll bet everything in my wallet.

Splashed it down and left. Then he came back. I go, oh, yeah, no, you won the bet. That's such an unimpressive slap down. It's like pulling a five-inch dick going, who's sucking this dick? By the way, it's seven and a half inches. Unimpressive unimpressive when he came back and i go no i i i put the money you won your money i put it in the the the tank and he goes no i put 41 dollars in here meaning she knew he only had $41 in his wallet you fucking chump

I faked it I had no idea how much money was there I just said $41 and you go I'm only betting you $20 I'll fucking take the $20 because I handed it to fucking Kenny yeah you both wait we both lost yeah really

yeah you ran around like fucking chumps for $20. I got your fucking cranberry, asshole. We had no cranberry. Can we cut this whole part of the podcast out of the podcast? I'm going to mark it right now, and this is going to be a podcast by itself. I want to know. No, is this a new podcast?

Yeah. Brand new podcast. No, no, no. We'll keep that in. I got the clap in college. That's where we were. The clap. This is the day after podcast,

by the way. The day after swapcast. Swapcast. We also need to do a clean intro. That's what I was trying to get to earlier when you kept fucking up. Once again, fixing his fucking up in his mind.

Last night was fucking funny shit. It was the hardest I've ever laughed in a long time. Except for two people. Where's Christine Levine? She heard two people bitching about... Really? For real? Yeah, after the show.

She was just talking about this on the patio. Why would you ever... They didn't know it was a live podcast. They thought it was stand-up. Hold on. I went back with Kenny to go prove you wrong and get 20 bucks, and the comics that I fucking berated for going long

after you left, I fucking lit them up. Like, listen, when you get the fucking light, don't go into your closer, listen, when you get the fucking light, don't go into your closer, say thank you, good night. They're all sitting in front of Elmo's tripping on acid. Still. And Kenny's like locking up the place

because he finally learned how to work a key. And I go over there, I'm like, hey guys, thank you so much. And they're like, they're all hugging me and shit. We're taking pictures. Shut up.

We dropped acid last night. Oh, shit. We're taking pictures. Shut up. We dropped asses last night. Oh, fuck. Last night was chaos. Let's get a picture. Let's get a... And they're all fucking leaning in. I'm like, you guys are so hard. But Bert and I missed it.

It was so fun. They fucking had a blast. Doug called an audible very wisely, I would say. I was stumble drunk. You called an audible. No, you didn't. I need to go home. I said that?

Hold on. That's the right answer. Hang on. Kenny knows. He's a sober driver. We'll step in. Kenny, tell us what happened. Let me find out if Kenny's telling the truth.

Hang on. Let me set the listening audience up. We did the live podcast. We thought it went well. I still think it went well for us. Maybe not for people who thought it was going to be stand-up comedy, but fuck them. And then we had an after party.

It was fucking hilarious. By the way, I've been doing stand-up 18 years. It was a fucking hilarious podcast. It was funny talk to bottom. We'll get back to that. Okay. No, talk to bottom. We'll get back to that. Okay. No, no, no. We'll get back to that.

Then we have an after party because we don't want people, 150 people from out of town coming to. We're supposed to say we welcome you here, have fun at the after party. Yeah, we don't want them at the house. We don't want 150 people you don't know at the house. I had one person I didn't know at the house, and I can't find my fucking phone. Oh. And I'm still blaming me,

but I still have what's that one guy of two. Anyway, so... That guy playing happy sack. Bert comes out of that podcast having not slept from a Vegas festival. He stays up. He powers through the live podcast. We go to the after party for

about eight minutes. Out of the eight minutes you were there, for ten you were heckling, by the way. Your own... The fucking sound was shit. Let's not get into that. It doesn't matter. Is this going to be okay?

I'm going to do it again. So Kenny, Bird says, I'm going to fall down. I go, you get the right idea. Let's go drink at the fun house. We were in the back smoking a doobie, me and the pothead. What am I supposed to say? You want me to lie? Okay, we were just sitting there against the wall like some high school kids looking to dance with some girl we didn't like or whatever.

But anyways, Bert's – This is our sober driver. Bert's hanging out in the back, and he asked for a couch, so we made him a makeshift couch. He puts his feet up, and then we get done with the doobie, and I say – I didn't even know that part. Do you – Doobie. Whenever you're ready to go, let me know.

And he's like, okay, ready. Or almost, but do you know where my B&B is? So I didn't know where his B&B was at at the time. So I asked Doug, and Doug said, as soon as I asked him, he said, let's go. And it was, we were out the door. He actually grabbed Bert by the arm and drug him out through the. I said, we're going to get high or paid. I said, we're going to get, we're going to get paid. We'll be right back.

It's gone. It's in the book. Such a great line as a comic. That is so not how it happened. I'll tell you after the... It's the three ways to get out of shitty conversations. It was the perfect exit last night because

I didn't want to do Coke for today because I knew that today was my day. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. You got Coke? Yeah. You got Coke? You got Coke?

You got Coke? My vacation day was today. They found Coke and they can't find my phone. That's a time lapse. People are looking for my phone and they go, hey, what's this? It's a pail full of Coke. It was perfect. It was the perfect exit.

And then we came back here. Because I think you guys went to drop me off. Then you were like. I think you dropped me off. And I said, can I get one more cocktail? And you go, let's go to the fun house. Oh, you wanted a roadie. Yeah.

Is that the word you used? Yeah, I said, I want a roadie. Can I get a roadie? And they're like, well, let's just go to the fun house. And then you were like, you want to just sleep in the rape trailer? And I was like, oh, I'll just sleep there. By the way, best night's sleep I've ever had in my entire life. I've never

had a better night's sleep ever in my entire life. There's a cushion comforter for a mattress in there and I used it as a blanket. And by the way, I think I might be part autistic because that heaviness made me fucking so. Like a heavy on you?

Like a, yeah. Oh, it was the fucking best. Ice cold, so I'm going to turn the AC on. I'm going to so call Bert out. Wait a minute. Right now. Who put the fucking AC on in the rape trailer? That is foreboding.

I don't even know how to turn it on. Is there AC? Wait, call me out yeah it's very good hang on i was about to call out bert so any of his listeners will never be able to listen without remembering this bert kreischer is the gordon ram John Taffer of superlatives. I've never laughed harder. It was the best ever. All the hyperbole. Everything you do is the most funniest. I've never laughed harder.

Can I just tell you, you said this on stage last night because you were talking about this. And I'm going through it in therapy right now. My wife says I speak in a hyperbole. I can't just have a good time. It's the greatest time I've ever had in my life. It's the best sleep I've ever had in my life. And it drives my wife nuts because she's the opposite side of the spectrum. It's the worst thing she's ever done.

She's a lowland scot. So, like, you know the lowland scots? Yeah. Like, you know how they're like really hard working, eating root people? That's my wife. That's my wife. Brian Hennigan is aware of them, but he's

never had to mix with them because he's a posh lad. I lived in the Scottish Borders for fucking three years. He hates it when you bring up the fact that he's obviously a posh boy. I am not fucking posh. If you put an H in whiskey, you're posh. How is he not posh?

Whiskey. How am I not posh? Yeah. Because I came from the same, I came from working class Edinburgh. The same place that Trainspotting's from. Oh, you had a job? No, I was a child. Oh, you sold them heroin?

Anyway, I'm just saying, I came from this area called Ox Gangs. Oh, Ox Gangs. Oh, Ox Gangs. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Every time we bring up the fact that he's a fancy lad, we drop Ox Gangs. Got it. Yeah, my wife's got that. But I did undergo a trading places situation.

Oh, do tell. When I was, I don't know, like 13 or so, my uncle won what they call in the UK the pools, which is a way of betting on soccer matches. Oh. Yeah. And so he won a fuck of a lot of money in those days, like £300,000. Wow.

Jesus Christ. And so he... Half a mil. He and my granny moved down to this village outside Edinburgh called North Berwick, and he gave his apartment to my mum, and that was in Morningside, which is a very posh area of Edinburgh. Can I just pause? So we moved overnight from Oxgangs to Morningside.

Can I pause to... I want to ask our Scottish listeners if his accent changes the way posh black people's accents. When Barack Obama starts to talk a little ghetto or Oprah Winfrey talks a little ghetto. Steve Harvey. I can't tell. When you talk about the Oxnard or the Ox Gangs, are you getting a little bit fucking... Well, naturally it comes back,

depending on what's the emotional drive in your head. Well, I don't see a difference in your... He gets a little scottered. Can you do an accent for this part of the podcast? Can you do Dirty Scotsman? Billy it up. The one you're pretending not to be. The one you grew out of.

Yeah, I'm just trying to think how I'd do that. Oh, my God. Well, do it on a reed of blue. Does he not know what you... Oh, shit. He is looking at fucking corn. It's weird. Henningen, he doesn't know what you were doing.

Where? When? What happened? The opposite of... Oh, yeah. One of my favorite things ever is... There's something up. I want to hear the favorite thing ever.

No, no. Does he not know? Does he not know? I don't think he knows. Does anyone know? I don't think he knows about the lecture either. Does anyone know? Oh, please tell me you I just don't think he knows about the lecture either does anyone know? you told me in confidence

and I'm fucking breaking that confidence I won't remember no we're done tell your story I thought it was common knowledge I thought you would be the only one Bert that would know but since you're not

I don't know Is your wife really Scottish? No, but her family is Her family is Scottish, but it's lowland Scots Hey Get him out of there No, no, no, stay here Chad, come over here with me

One of my favorite things ever is What are we talking about? No, Chaley, not you We're talking about accents We're talking about accents I'm fucking great. We're talking about accents. I'm fucking with you. See? He's going to cry.

I'm never telling you his secret. I didn't want to know his secret. No, I don't know his secret. That's why there's secrets, you asshole. Would you like a scotch? Good. One day I'll need to know. Hang on.

We're going to say something right now. Here it is. Hang on. We're going to say something right now. Here it is. Pro flowers. It would have been nice if someone gave me flowers when I finally hit send on the final rough draft. Rough final draft. I don't know. If I die tomorrow, that's a book. If I die tomorrow, that's a book. In the meantime, we've been podcasting, and I know I haven't gotten to all my email and tweets,

but we've been imploring you to tell us your best stories of inappropriate times to send flowers because the only way I can tell you to send flowers, if you have a wife that really expects chocolates or roses or flowers on Valentine's Day or an anniversary, or remember our first kiss, you're in a ridiculous relationship, and you're harbored, send flowers for the things we did. We've told you. Our local bank got robbed. We sent pro flowers. I was actually in there this morning,

and all of them gave me a round of applause. I live in a small town. I can't guarantee you that's going to happen if you live in Chicago. But where I live, live yes send us your when you send pro flowers to someone they say in the ad copy never forget an occasion well yeah never forget one of our occasions my listeners doug stanhope podcast podcast doug stanhope, leave that in. I need to learn a lesson if I ever listen to these as my life flashes before me. Doug Stanhope podcast listeners, never forget any occasion.

Who got sentenced to community service? Who threw up in the nanny's daybed? I just came to pick up my kid, but I just get to lay down for a minute. And then you paid for the whole night plus the cost of the sheets. Send pro flowers. It's easy. You don't have to go down there and actually pick out flowers what do you do chaley you go to the website it's super easy you go to proflowers.com and they have a

special offer just for listeners get ten dollars off your purchase of twenty nine dollars or more all you got to do is put stanhope in at checkout and that's the promo code yeah or oops i did it again would be a more for my fan base that would be more appropriate for all the times that you fuck up you screw up you're mocking someone yeah flowers are flowers are murder i've talked about it on the podcast i hate buying flowers because they're gonna die in four days. And they're so beautiful. Not with Pro Flowers.

Their bouquets are guaranteed fresh for seven days or your money back. They have a seven-step quality check, which means the flowers are always fresh. All right. I just stepped into a plug. Oh, look at that. I stepped into that completely accidentally. In my head, yes. And this is a great way to help out the show. The Doug Stanhope Popcast, is that what you called it?

Poodcast? Pockdast? Pockdast. By supporting ProFlowers, you're actually supporting Doug Stanhope. Yeah, you should always plug that. Yeah, it helps us, but it's also really funny. We sent flowers to a bank robbery where we know the people with the note saying, put your hands up in the air and party like you just don't care. And when I went to the bank, because an unnamed person that sends me quarterly checks is so fucking cheap that he actually did. I already say this? All right.

You were talking about it yesterday. Yeah, you told me not to say this. All right. Anyway, point being, yeah, I went to the bank. They loved it. And I want to hear the stories of where you sent flowers to. I was always going to make greeting cards back when merch was a new thing before the Internet just to get you by on the road.

I was going to make up greeting cards for inappropriate. I'm sure they have them by now. But yes, send someone, you know, pro flowers and just send us an image, a screen grab, a screen grab of what the message was and what the occasion was. Sorry, you have ocular cancer. I'll keep an eye out for you. Sorry. Hey, I'm riffing. Don't fucking judge me.

This is not an ad copy. I want to hear Pro Flowers' hilarious read of this. It's only funny if you do it. So if you think it's something funny, get on ProFlowers.com right then and there, and you can schedule your delivery ahead of time for any date you want, and then get back to your day. It's that simple. Just don't forget to add the promo code Stanhope.

Right. And you get $10 off any purchase of $29 or more. Just go to ProFlowers.com and enter promo code Stan Hope at checkout to get that special deal. As they say at ProFlowers, you're never going to get around to going down to the grocery store, buying the actual flowers, finding a vase, and then driving it all the way over to your friend's house, who you don't even like. Because anytime you send flowers, you're tacitly saying, I don't really want to talk to you about your problems.

Here, smell this. Casper beds. It's a mattress that comes in the mail. If you can imagine that, you would think it sucks. It's brilliant. Imagine that. You would think it sucks. It's brilliant.

Casper mattresses are... I know I have ad copy here, but I'm going to get to that in a minute. It expands. You get a mattress in the mail in a box that you can put over your shoulder. It's 195 pounds. It manageable manageable it's in a box the size of a small thing you you describe it because you pull the thing out and it's like one of those inflatable slugs or dinosaurs that you amuse children with where you have a gummy bear and you throw it in water and it turns into a stuffed animal that they can sleep with. Yeah, but you don't need the water. All you do is you unbox this thing.

It's really – it's quite a sight because this thing has been compacted and then all the air – like a seal-a-meal, right? Right. So it's got this real thick plastic. And then you carefully open it. It says, hey, you know what? Just get rid of the box. Get rid of the plastic because you're going to try this for 100 nights. And if it doesn't, if it's not to your satisfaction, they pick it up for free.

So you throw away your old train-spotting piss-stained mattress that you've been heaving and sweating through forever. You put this down, and you let it sit for, what, a day, 20 hours? It doesn't even take that long because I've actually – I had a competitor's mattress, and I'm like, oh, I've seen these before. And when I opened it – That's right. You did. I didn't know about Casper. And the one that I had, there was a clear smell that you did from from off-gassing and stuff like that just as it and it took like an hour or two just to expand all the

way and it was still going you know but casper casper it was like with within a few 20 minutes that thing i was making the bed i always leave the house when any heavy lifting has to be done. But you guys did it. You pulled it out of the box, and I was waiting to sleep on it or have one of our crews sleep on it before we gave it a full plug. And just now when I told Bingo, oh, we're leaving town, we've got to do the Casper plug. I haven't slept in there yet. She goes, yeah, you did.

You passed out there and drunk the other night. That's where I found you because she was working on her stuff in the other house. Yeah. And I went and slept in there. Yeah. Slept like a baby. I can't guarantee you that Casper mattresses will make you sleep like a baby. I can't guarantee you that Casper mattresses will make you sleep like a baby if you haven't had as much to drink as I had, but I did sleep like a baby, and Hennigan slept in there.

Oh, Hennigan's the fussy cunt. Yes. He's the filthy uncut Scotsman. I can't wear an eye mask because my eyes and I can't wear earplugs and you are so loud. Well, you know what? He slept like a baby too. He didn't bitch or whine. No complaints. But I mean, this is a fucking mattress mailed to your house. You don't have to go find your friend Evan who has a pickup truck that can drive all the way. They can fit a mattress. No, this comes all wrapped up in a tight little form, and it gets mailed to your house, and then it evolves into a mattress over a matter of hours.

Not even that long. It is really amazing the way they package it and everything and the way it gets to the house. How many fucking cocksuckers did you know with a pickup truck that you just need one dude with a pickup truck to get a box spring? Yeah. You fucking assholes. Yeah. This comes in a box.

You can hoist over your shoulder like a lumberjack and bring in. You unfold it. It expands and you sleep like a baby. Designed, developed, and assembled in the U.S. of A., Doug. You know what? I don't give a fuck if this was made by slave Martians. Child slave Martians. Oh, there is life on Mars, and they spend all their time

trying to roll giant mattresses into little tiny components and tuck them into a box. It doesn't matter. Casper is an obsessively engineered mattress at a shockingly fair price. I think you'd be surprised. They've got all different sizes,

and you get on Casper.com and check out the pricing. All right. I'm going to take umbrage with that. Shockingly, my friends are amazed to own a mattress that they stole from behind a Salvation Army because the Salvation Army would not even accept that for thrift. And those are my friends that are sleeping on that mattress. So they won't be shocked, but they'll be pleasantly surprised. And Casper Badgers is completely risk-free.

Casper offers free delivery, free returns with a 100-night home trial. If you don't love it, they'll pick it up and refund everything. This one I know. I don't know if it was Shank or – no, I think it might have been Burt Kreischer. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but said, yeah, no, they're really the shit. We got the wrong size mail to us. And I go, well, how do you return that bullshit? Because that's where I spot bullshit.

Oh, and we'll pick it up for nothing. What, after I have baby Martian boys squeeze it back up into that box that it can't possibly fit in? No, they actually send some dudes out. They pick it up. Sorry about that. I'm sorry.

You said queen, and we sent you a king, but we thought you were a queen based on your act, Bert Kreischer. Yeah, it says that. There's a small little pamphlet, a booklet that comes along with it. The unboxing is really simple, and it does say get rid of the box, get rid of the packing material, because if you don't like this mattress, if you don't love it, after 100 nights, we'll pick it up, and you're not stuffing it back in the box.

It's also free shipping and returns to U.S. and Canada, Doug. Canada? They don't sleep in Canada. It's always nighttime in Canada. They can't sleep the whole time or they'll die. Or is it the other way around? I don't know. I mean, this is the new way. I mean, I never really had a memory foam mattress

before. I've had like the pillow tops and stuff like that. But this is a supportive memory foam that actually keeps you cooler. And that's the design that Casper's come up with. They say that with over 20,000 reviews, they have an average of 4.8 stars. And again, my Alex Jones conspiracy head thinks, oh, I bet that's on their own site and that's out of 100.

4.8 out of 100. But no, 4.8 out of 5 stars no 4.8 out of five stars it's pretty good out of 20 000 reviews and not just on their site it's all it's on casper i'm not burning a bit on this but you know where i'm thinking point being the ones that were one star reviews or two star reviews the reason they're not five is someone went uh i evacuate my bowels in my sleep and it didn't uh absolve all of them and you go no dissolve you meant dissolve of course it's not going to dissolve your bowels if you shit yourself and you wrote absolve i say it's a five-star mattress get fifty dollars towards any mattress purchase

by visiting casper.com slash stanhope terms and conditions apply when they find my fat cold bloated corpse it's not gonna be like elvis on a toilet it's gonna be me on a Casper mattress. This is Bingo. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Hey, Chad, you're on the podcast. This is the next day podcast. Well, for

Erickson and Chaley, it's the same. Chaley still says, hey, tonight was great. It's fucking 3.30 the next day. He does. He gets really angry like that.

He's not kidding. No, he's not kidding. He's not kidding at all. I'm not kidding. He's not kidding at all. I'm the opposite. I was in bed when Bert called me. Yeah, I was like, are you coming by? Oh, you got a phone call? What's it like to have a phone?

You can't find it anywhere. I'm blaming me for... Was I really... You tweeted back going... I tweeted... We have to remember, people are listening to this. I tweeted, I can't find my phone at everyone because we're having a party and there's a lot of people that have to get a hold of me.

So I tweeted it at everyone. And Chad tweeted back, did you check the floor? Because that's the last place I saw you. That's brilliant. That's very funny. But I didn't know, is that true? Right there on the funhouse floor is the last place I saw you. I was sleeping on the floor?

Yeah, you were laying on the floor. Yeah, you were definitely laying on the floor. I totally forgot about that. You were laying on the floor, and that's when I realized I should go to bed. I was like, if Stan was going to sleep now, then I should probably go to bed. Going to sleep is a very polite way to put it. Yeah. Yeah, you were laid.

You don't remember that? No. Oh, you were laid dead center in the middle of the floor. Dead center. Dead floor. God damn it. I totally forgot that. But what's interesting is that by the way you're describing it,

it must just have happened without anyone noticing. Nobody said Doug collapsed. I remember going to bed which is scary because i didn't oh i remember it i remember you going getting walked to the someone walked you was that you yeah that was you turn the air on and stuff oh the air was the key yeah it was the best night I've ever had. So Bert slept in the rape trailer, and I thought, I said, oh, I have to go to bed too in the memory that I have. But no, I fell asleep on the floor here. I actually didn't think I was that fucked up until I woke up this morning and didn't remember anything. You looked like you were going to pass out. You had a solid, you were perfect the whole night,

but you had a solid 12 minutes that I watched where me and your wife were making eye contact about how you were doing. You were laying your head on a champagne bottle. Do you remember this? No. And you were like, I want to fucking kill people. And your wife was smiling, just like my wife, and just smiling going, yeah, it's time to wrap it up. What he said, I tweeted it, but you have to have the Burt delivery.

What I tweeted was when Burt, we're talking about your kids, and he signed them. Your kids were here, but they're fucking almost 30. They're like 26 and 27. They're humans. They don't look like kids. They just look like humans. They seem like kids. And they're also half Asian. And Burt woke

up after we're already next day drunk. And he says, yeah. Chad Shank. Looks like a border control agent. Looks like the border patrol guy that captured his family.

Something to that effect. You're the one guy that sticks out in that group. People look at me like I kidnapped her when I go out with her. Are you with that guy voluntarily? Nobody thinks that she's going to be with me. Everyone's got ponytails. That's the only thing that makes you guys look alike.

It was more the kids than the wife. What he said. You have an Asian-y family, but you look like an angry white supremacist kind of guy. It was a really fun night last night. And not sleeping at all,

and then sleeping today and then starting drinking when I woke up, maybe my favorite thing ever. My wife will never get that. It's one of the problems I have with me and my wife, is that she doesn't get the feeling of drinking the second you wake up. I shouldn't understand that. She's like, no, I want to work out. I want to get something healthy to eat.

I'm like, nah, you're missing out what life's about. Life's about chasing the dragon, about showing up the next day going, I can make it better. Bert Kreischer, you have no idea how you berated me by coming out of no sleep from Vegas, powering through that, and then still. That's when I go, I'm going to kill myself. I'm done.

I have no energy. I have nothing left. I got that Mickey Mantle gene. It's that baseball player like Babe Ruth who would just sit in the back in the outfield and eat a hot dog. Or Mickey Mantle. Mickey Mantle. Yeah, or Mickey Mantle. Can I get one more of this?

Thank you. It's that I always wanted to sell a TV show where it was a bunch of athletes, but you got to party hard as fuck, as hard as I party, the night before and then compete. Because that's who I am. I don't believe in hard work over talent. I believe in talent over hard work. I believe in that. This came up on the podcast last night,

which we all have vague recollections of. Very vague. I don't remember much of last night. I remember being cold on stage because the air conditioning was getting me. He didn't take off his shirt. I was freezing. I was fucking cold on stage because the air conditioning was he didn't take off his shirt I was freezing I was fucking cold as shit and everyone's upset that I didn't take my shirt off oh my god let me be a multi no no we were just confused no no I asked Jenny this morning I like to crush your take his

shirt off last night she said yeah at the end in the green room? No, on stage. Oh, really? I wonder if that's what that guy's upset about. Poor man. Where's Levine? I want to hear this story. Christine Levine! She's getting a burrito. Of course she is. She's getting a burrito.

Wait, let's do that for everybody, okay? Say the one thing that is the stereotypical thing they're probably doing and you can't find them. Hey, where's Kreischer? He's drinking a Tito's and soda. He's grinding a burrito. Where's Chad Jagmees killing a guy? Why the fuck were people upset?

I don't understand. No, she ran into two people that were bitching that it wasn't stand-up comedy. It couldn't have been labeled more obviously not. Well, evidently. Oh, did Tracy just walk out when we're going to? It was labeled. Chaley made it so blatant.

Like Australian cigarette packages have carnage and death all over them. And nothing says cigarettes. You'll die like this. And here's a picture. Chaley made posters and put out the thing that says, this is no way stand up comedy. No one will be doing stand up comedy whatsoever on any level. Stand up comedy breaks out, we will stop it. Yes.

That hardcore. Yeah. But then he printed up a bunch of flyers and Tracy forgot them. Couple that with the fact that, I will say this, last night was better than stand-up comedy, in my opinion. For us, that's what I don't know. Oh, you don't think that other people saw it the way we saw it? I don't know.

We have a friend... Home field advantage is what we had. We don't know how this is going to play in Peoria as the old cliche. It won't work. Peoria just shows up as I say that. Literally, Peoria just showed up.

Well, you do live podcasts, Bert. Mine suck. Yeah, yeah. They're on SiriusXM. They're not good. Last night was, I will say, overly produced, meaning like it was perfect. I didn't realize the backdrop over there.

I just thought we'd just go on stage. I didn't know that the backdrop. I was going to talk shit about Chaley, but I realized he has to edit it. Oh, yeah. So I'll have to talk shit because I said it. He was on the phone on the road, and he threw out a number that he was paying

to get the most beautiful backdrop. I'm like, this is Chrysler's money. He paid for that? Yeah. We could have done it without that. I know. That's your money. Did everyone have a good time, though?

I had a fucking blast. Right. No one cares about the money. And the money went to good people. At some point, you kept going, this is your money. Do you remember saying that to me last night? You're like, this is your money. And I was like that to me last night? You're like, this is your money. And I was like, it was beautiful.

It was amazing. Yeah, I know. You don't care. I don't care. It was just so cool. Everything was so cool about it. And the mic, I got to be honest with you, the audio was 100%. The audio, like us talking to the mics, I know you guys had a different experience.

Well, we've never done a live podcast like that you've done dude that was the best one i've ever done we tried once in austin it went poorly because it was after a full two-hour show and my audience is fucking wrecked and yelling and fighting and and all all the comics that are supposed to be on the thing are fucked. It's easier from my perspective because I come in as an outsider and go, I just got to listen and chime in. I think from your perspective, it might be more difficult because you have to drive it.

Well, again, home field advantage where we know these people, all these people came from other places except for Jury Row of the Football Fanatics. How crazy was that? That there were people coming from all over the world to come watch that podcast. I love that. It's one of the things that I love about this business, that there's

a 250-seater, right? 250-seater, and that was a world's fair of people yeah yeah well I mean I think when we recorded the special I don't think there was anybody from Arizona in the audience really yeah no

there's a lot of Tucson Phoenix no I mean it's for the special though when we put that on sale the beer hall push yeah no no place like home when we put that on sale we didn't even have any like did you have a beer hall push sir Beer Hall Puts. Yeah. No place like home. That one's – Oh, sorry. We didn't even have any like – Sorry.

Did you remember Beer Hall Puts? Bird's been saying, hey, I just finally watched Beer Hall Puts. And I go, yeah, that was – Such a good special. We're doing the same place. Oh, sorry. There's a different special. I don't know.

Dude, that's the best. I said – I've said you and Rogan – But I've been telling you that, yeah, we're playing the same place. I don't remember the last special. You and Rogan, this last year, are the two best specials I saw. No question. I haven't watched Rogan yet.

Ah, it's great. It is great. I'll tell you the thing that I do. This is me breaking out specials. What I love about Bill Burr is he challenges himself every year to do something brand new in his act, like to try to do characters or do a voice. He just challenges himself. The thing I like about Rogan, which is insane, is that he doesn't mind getting physical or silly,

and that's so not him. The thing I love about you is that you take what you would call an economy of words and you sizzle things down to phrases that I want to use over and over again in my life. I'm working this corner is my favorite phrase I've heard in stand-up. Hey, Isis, I'm working this corner. It's something I know that it was just, do you know what I'm saying though?

Fuck you, kids with cancer. Yeah. It's such, and when I would listen to Beer Hall Push, I was like, fuck. I was sat and I was folding up my clothes on a Sunday on a hotel room, getting ready to leave on Monday. And I listened to that special and I went, oh, man, I'm not – I don't know if I'm doing this business right. Like I don't know if I'm doing this job right.

Like I just sit up and just fucking giggle at my own jokes. Okay. Like, I just sit up and just fucking giggle at my own jokes. Okay. But, like, that. Honestly, what you just said was the key to what made me start doing what I do. Where comics, what about finding your voice? Yeah. When I started doing the jokes that I would laugh at myself for writing,

going, you could never do this on stage, and then doing them. That's when I found my voice on some level where you go, oh, this is so wrong. And then you do it. You're like, oh, fuck, this is so right. Yeah. Shut the podcast down. I got to put that in the book. My big white whale right now is finding – I want to write jokes that aren't funny unless I told them to you personally.

Like I haven't figured out how to do it, but like I want to write jokes that – like do you remember what we said about Chad, about his family? Do you remember how we said that? When we said it at that moment. You said it. When I said it at that moment. You said it about his family do you remember how we said that when we said it that you said it yeah but when i said it at that moment you said it about this but it wasn't it wasn't prepared it was just family yeah don't put it on me i would never i know but at that moment that we said it we've done this like three or four times today there's no we yeah but but but you're a nice man i said it i said it but but it was like it was like in that moment the way that

we laughed at that joke that's what i'm looking for in stand that moment, the way that we laughed at that joke, that's what I'm looking for in stand-up is the way that we've done this like three or four times today where we've told a joke that we've all laughed at or I've told a joke that we gave it a lot. That's what I want to do in stand-up. But it becomes you have to negotiate a dialogue with your audience where they get your personality. Does that make sense?

Okay. I'm going to go back to something else you said, though, which was the thing about economy of words and the phrasing that Doug has, which I've always said, much to Doug's annoyance, is the thing that unites him and Jerry Seinfeld, which is this poetic attitude to language

of getting the phrase perfect for the purpose. And it takes years to get an hour. Yeah. Right now, my show sucks. And if you see me on the road, yeah, it stinks. You don't know it because I know how to sell it,

but I don't record it until I know it's good. And you don't know the difference. So fuck you. That's why you pay to see me. Is that wrong to say? No, no, no, no. And the thing about, you're talking about storytelling is that I think that's

inappropriate. That attitude to language is almost inappropriate to storytelling because you're talking about having a precisely crafted, word perfect phrasing of everything in a story. Well, that puts you in Henry Rollins' territory, or you're going out every night, and it's just a recital. You're just saying the same words and pretending.

It's an audition. Yeah, and pretending to be feeling the emotions of the story, whereas you get into the story and get carried away. It's a live audio book. Yeah. It becomes that. It's a live audio book. Yeah. It becomes that. It definitely does. What I do is I do this thing called sidebars where I find parts in the story that make me interested, where I get excited about stuff.

But yeah, it's one of the things I hate about what I do. But I also love it. I love that anyone wants to come and see me do stand-up, but when I start the machine store and I go, when I was 22, I got involved with the Russian Mafia. I fucking loathe that the next 13 minutes are going to be spent of me reciting something because that's not what I want to do. It's not what I care to do.

I love coming up with that. But it's also the other way. You're known now. You used to do stand-up comedy and you told that story and everyone loved the story. But now you're known. It's my – Transvestite Hooker was my first story like that. KP Anderson sent that to me. I don't know where – I don't know where i don't know why kp that fucking quote is the uh uh not just the closer of the book but a callback i said to kp anderson at one point when did we become the people

that we used to pretend to be and he reminded me that i go it's already in the notes for the book. I haven't talked to him in years. He's in the book. Yeah. I fucking naked splashed his wedding. I was there. I was there. You were at the wedding with KP? Yeah, of course.

You were at KP Anderson's wedding? One of my greatest moments ever, you jump in the pool naked. They were very upset. moments ever, you jump in the pool naked. They were very upset. Her parents, his in-laws have a million dollar mansion

in the top of Encino, I think. It's a beautiful place. Stanhope gets naked and jumps in. And then someone says to me, if you were more successful, that would be you. Oh my God. Yeah.

Somebody find a way in a wedding to fucking put you down. Someone bullet point this into the audio book. The audio version of this book. I can't sell a book where I go, the audio version is going to be so much better. But it's going to be. Dude, I remember that distinctly. I can tell you, you jumped south to north. I remember this distinctly, I can tell you, you jumped south to north. I remember this distinctly because

by the way, when you jumped in, I literally had a knee-jerk reaction of like, oh, let's take our clothes off, let's take our clothes off and jump in the pool. That's so my personality. It's so my personality. And someone leaned in and said, if you were more successful, that would be you. And I went, I was like, fuck.

Yeah, that was fucking insane. This was after I got not picked up for your TV show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was on that TV show. You were on TV and I wasn't. Oh, I remember that distinctly. This is the Amy Schumer reality thing? No, no, no.

That's very different. No, no. The X show. Oh. Which I don't even, I don't know if you can find that on Google. You can. I'm the only one that's ever put that online. The X show is...

It was like they were trying to do the opposite of... The man show. No, the ladies... No, the man show. The view. The view. No, so... The opposite of...

No. So what happened... No, only because I know that... He's getting quite vociferous about this. No, because... He knows. I don No. So what happened... No, only because I know that... He's getting quite vociferous about this. No, because... He knows. I don't. So they...

Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel sold The Man Show to Comedy Central, and FX wanted to buy it. And they couldn't afford it, because it was just more money. So they hired Mark Cronin and Gary Arbach to create A Man Show. And so they created The Man Show. Name dropper. Yeah. Right.

And so they created the man show or the X show. It was initially with, uh, with, um, Daphne, something Daphne Brogdon, uh,

Craig J. Jackson, Gary Valentine, John Weber, and, uh, Mark, Mark.

Fuck. I'm sorry, Mark. Anyway. And so I got hired. No one knows this Mark. Mark. Fuck. I'm sorry, Mark. Anyway. And so I got hired on that. No one knows this existed. Yeah. And so it's, by the way. Didn't it air during the day?

No, it aired 11 at night, every night on FX. I thought, I guess I taped it during the day, so I assumed it was up against the view. It taped at 6 in the morning. You have to tape really early. So like our call times were 6 in the morning. Fuck, you think I'd remember having to get up at 6 in the our call times were 6 in the morning. I think I remember having to get up at 6 in the morning. Yeah, 6 in the morning. I was on there with

Larry the Cable Guy. No, no, the other guy that no one remembers from Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Bill Engvall. Yes, Bill Engvall. Really? Yeah, he was on. He was a guest. I was a guest host yeah i it was like the arty chair

if anyone knows howard stern i i i was in the the the not the arty chair but the the guy that jackie the joke man yeah they rotated people in and out for Jackie the Joke Man's seat. On my audition, the dog attacked me. And it was like what you would consider viral now. And so that's why I got the show. Are we going back to Hitler? Because this goes back to off the air. Chad, what are you leaving?

Chad, do you know? Wow, we're way off fucking topic now. And it's my fault. No, this is perfect. This is why I listen to podcasts. So, do you know the Hitler... We're talking about Norm MacDonald's special, which is fucking incredible. But he does a bit about Hitler's dog at the end.

But Bert knows this... Eerily. a bit about Hitler's dog at the end. But Bert knows this eerily. Go ahead. Tell him the footage of Hitler's dog. The problem with Hitler's dog is he got it for a PR campaign. He wanted everyone to see him as more of a

human side, so he got a dog. Kept up his dacha up in the top of the hills or whatever. So the one video they have of him trying to pet his dog his dog freaks out obviously he's fucking hitler so he has not been cool to this dog so he goes to pet the dog and the dog goes like literally backs away from him so one of the cool things like when you when i Neil, what, Norm MacDonald's specials, I was like, I've been trying for 18 years to write a joke about this Hitler dog. Like, this Hitler dog is my white whale. Like, it is, because I never could figure it out. I had a bit where I was like, Hitler would walk up and the dog would be strung up in the bathtub with his hindquarters going, no, please, sir, no.

Like, everything I could do. And then I saw it and he was like oh yeah hitler's dog was excited to see him that's the actually exact opposite of how hitler's dog felt you have to see norm mcdonald's special which you have to see it's so fucking good it is so good but i will say that i got bait switched into this hitler dog bit because I was like, dude, I can't wait to hear his version on Hitler's dog. And it just was incorrect. Does that make sense? Yeah.

But you were saying this out on the patio while we were day drinking, doing mimosas, where you go, no, everyone knows the Hitler dog video 100% nobody knows are you serious? You've never seen it? no, we had Morgan Murphy's Jew friend who was sitting outside the circle where we go that's how white supremacist we are I should clarify

we're not, I was making a joke I'm googling it right now here's the important point. Our point is no one knows what it is, but you act like everyone knows the Hitler dog video. I'll pull it up right now. I know you're pulling it up. No one wants to hear it because they don't know it.

Nazi propaganda photo reveals Hitler's sauce... Oh, I guess that's the exact opposite of what I just said. Yeah. Don't worry. The government's watching everything you're Googling right now. Yeah, I saw it. I saw it on History Channel one time. I was like, I used to have a, by the way,

I had like so many jokes about Hitler that I could never work in. I was like, did he sign a deal with the History Channel? He seems to get a lot of work there. But like I used to watch a lot of History Channel. I loved History Channel. Before it was about alligator hunting? God damn it. In the present day?

And so, but one of the videos is propaganda. He hired people. He bought the dog just so that his propaganda would look positive about him. And so it didn't turn out well. It flipped it against him. And so, yeah, I was excited to hear Norm's joke about it but by the way i'm not shitting on special his special is phenomenal but that one joke i was bummed because i was like i've been wanting to write write a hitler for the record uh his special is phenomenal norm mcdonald's the best dude i told you this i don't

know i'll tell it one more time but like he he – whatever. I won't say it. He made – I watched him make Joe Rogan laugh the hardest I've ever seen Joe Rogan laugh in my entire life right before the election talking about Bill Clinton. And we're backstage and it was perfect Norm MacDonald. Like what you want – you know when you see Johnny Depp and he's got a bottle, a glass of wine and a cigarette and you're like, that's what I wanted. I want the hat and the bracelets and the necklaces. I want all of it. It was Norm MacDonald being Norm MacDonald in the moment and we were – Let's kill this podcast because you brought up like three topics I can't talk about on the air.

Seriously? Let's kill the podcast and then just go back to the conversation we're having. Okay. All right. Where's Chaley? The conversation goes on, but the recordable part of it. Kenny's going, what do you mean it's over? Do I have to leave? Can't you just say, okay, we're not recording?

He knows a button to hit. No, no, no, don't hit the button. Just keep going. Are we not recording? I don't want to talk about a lot of this stuff on the podcast. But you can't talk about Johnny at all. No, I can't

even remember what I was using. There were three things. One's a bit like, when can you fuck with mentally ill people? It's a bit like, when can you fuck with mentally ill people? It's a premise. Hey, did you want me to stop this? Yeah.

Yeah. Party time Party time Party time Drink your drinks and eat your eats It's party time Laugh your laughs and eat your eats, it's party time Laugh your laughs and eat your eats, it's party time Smile your smiles and do your blues, it's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time. Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time.

Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time. Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time. Everybody! Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time. Everybody. Crap your crap, Sam. Fuck your fucks, it's party time. One more. Crap your crap, Sam. Fuck your fucks, it's party time.

Here we go. Party time. Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time. Party time. Party time. Party time. Party time.

Party time. Party time. Party time. Hey! Party time. Yeah! Party time.