The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #213: Doug & Bingo's Key West Dance Party

Episode Date: June 12, 2017

Ep. #213: Doug & Bingo's Key West Dance PartyDoug & Bingo return from Key West, an update on Chad's balls and more Thank Yous.Recorded June 08, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Bingo (@BingoBingaman), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille. Bartended by Ms. Tracey (@Egglester)Tickets for Brett Erickson and Andy Andrist June 12 – 17, 2017 at http://www.BrettEricksonComedy.comSend Bar Ephemera for the new bar top to -Doug Stanhope212 Van Dyke St.Bisbee, AZ 85603This episode is sponsored byStamps.com - Go to Stamps.com, before you do anything else, click on the RadioMicrophone at the TOP of the homepage and type in STANHOPE to get a FREE 4 week Trial which includes postage and a digital scale!Casper.com –Get $50 toward any mattress purchase by visiting www.casper.com/STANHOPE and entering promo code “Stanhope”. Terms and Conditions Apply.Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List to get first crack at future tickets.Closing song, "Where To Put The Flowers", by Amy Bingo Bingaman.LINKS:Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeKilldozer story from Colorado – Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZbG9i1oGPALa Te Da Bar - http://lateda.com/Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

i got uh new glasses which i never wear because i never take out my contacts but we're in key west and i brought my new glasses thinking i i want to wear them because i bought them and they're nice and they're fucking light as a feather and one morning i'm scratching my good eye and my contact falls out. Oh, well, let me start by saying that on the flight to Key West from Tucson, I managed to break or lose both pair of my reading glasses. So I show up shit faced. 13 hours later or whatever the fucking flight is. I have no reading glasses because I need, with my contacts, I need my readers.

Without contacts, I need my glasses. But I can see up close, real close. Like Mr. Magoo? Yeah. My laptop is almost too wide if I put it at my Adam's apple to try to read. But I can read a breakfast menu. So we get to the bar and I'm fucked. I got a call.

I tweeted this. But never before or since or after I get to the hotel and I get a call from Delta that they've found the reading glasses that I left in my seat reading glasses. These are $4 and 86 cent reading glasses from Walmart that I bought on the way. We found your reading glasses uh or your glasses they didn't say readers but is this doug stanhope were you sitting and see whatever yeah we've like really like i've lost so much shit that's valuable on planes when i was drunk and delta's actually calling me now that I'm a lowly fucking gold medallion.

I'm still fighting my way back up to diamond close to platinum. And I really are you calling me? But I really needed them. And I'm at the bar at the hotel in Key West and I go, I can't read the menu. And she goes, here's some reading glasses. I thought they were hers. I said, oh, thank you. She goes, oh, they're the managers.

I go, is he here? Because I want to buy them. Anyone who uses reading glasses knows if you have one pair, you have 80 pair. You have a couple in the car. You have shit in the kitchen because you lose them. And then so I know the guy has more. So I stole his reading glasses and I wrote on my hand, Rob, the bar manager, give him back his reading glasses.

Point being, the next morning i lose one contact lens wait before you go on did delta send you your five dollar glasses that probably cost that much no send no no no oh they said they'll be waiting at the gate key west airport is the key west airport is like Fantasy Island. There's no jetway. You walk across a tarmac. It's wings. It's wings. The old show, Wings. I was just picturing them paying somebody $15 an hour

to spend $8 to mail you your $5 glasses. They said they'd be waiting for me there and I tested my own drunkard memory going, will I remember to pick them up? And I wrote before I left, the night before I wrote glasses on my hand

where once was Rob, now it says glasses. Didn't remember until I went through security. The people at the gate knew about the glasses, knew who I was, called up, and the glasses did not get sent down through security before the plane left. So, yeah, I didn't get my glasses back. But by then, I had lost one contact lens lens meaning I can see with one eye up close and one eye

at a distance and that worked for two days. Oh. I can read the menu with this eye and I can see if that's a guy or a girl from a distance. Nice ass. Wrong eye. What? nice ass wrong eye what oh rob sorry here's your glasses so the last day i just gave in and i want to wear my new eyeglasses so i took out the other

contact lens but now i'm so fucked and so used to dealing with my contact lenses that were so fucked up with my chalasians and pus eye and stuff that right now i'm not wearing glasses and i think andrew was by today and i'm like the handyman yeah he does a lot of work around here and i at some point i realized, it's not my blurry vision. I'm not wearing my glasses. But then when I go to read something, I got to put on glasses where... I'm so used to putting on fucking reading glasses that I put them on at the wrong time. Oh, those are prescription glasses?

Yeah. Oh, okay. They're good. Yeah. It seems like what you probably should have done, I mean, we can all Monday morning quarterback this thing to death, is you should have just got that one eye patch that I was going to get you,

and then when you're reading the menu, you cover the one eye, and then when the food comes, you switch the patch to the other side. I'm discombobulated. I know for a fact when he travels, he keeps a bunch of those eye masks. Just cut a hole in one of them.

Oh, I lost my eye mask too. I lost so much shit. I lost my fucking travel mug. There's a strap on those. Speaking about strap on, Bingo's here. Hi. Chad Shank is here. Chaley's here Bingo's here. Hi. Chad Shank is here. Chaley's here.

Tracy's here. And, uh, Bingo will get caught up on, are you cocktailing, Bingo? You should have one. Apple juice. You should have one. Drinking fucking vodka and apple juice.

I like vodka and apple juice. It's kind of disgusting. Moths for touch, baby. It's baby apple juice, too. But that's the thing. Apple juice you associate with children and toddlers. And vodka, not so much. Yeah, but you associate me as a child or a toddler anyway.

So go fuck yourself. Wow. No toddler ever talked to me like that. I thought you weren't supposed to. They all think it, though. And no Vietnamese ever called me nigger. Hey, I don't have to apologize for that. How about you, Bill Maher?

Anyway, let's get back to unfunny later in the podcast. Chad, let's I know you don't want to be here. It's not that you don't want to be here and I it's not that I don't want to be here I don't want to be anywhere I'm with you

I'm so just broken to the core but let's let's get to your story first because I read through my notes from Key West they're just boring shit I would complain about on Yelp if I felt I was well-versed and didn't have to hit thesaurus.com too many times. I get a bunch of boring shit later, but I get some good tips. Killdozer, you want to talk about that?

Oh, yeah. tips kill dozer you want to talk about that oh yeah uh look tracy's eye tracy's eyebrows just went out do you guys know about this are you talking about the band oh i don't know i thought it was yeah there's a band called i wonder if that's what i thought it was i'm like doug hang on tracy will do our uh pimp work of see if Killdozer is related to the incident in Colorado. Okay. This guy in Colorado, this thing I saw on social media, it's, I think it was in 2000-something. Goddamn, now I'm fucking going through any of this story.

Okay, okay, okay. I saw a YouTube clip or maybe live leak or some fucked up hole you get into years ago seeing this. Okay, it's this disgruntled guy in Colorado who had a beef with the city. He had muffler shops and stuff. And then the... Town.

It's like this size of a town. I don't even know. You know town. I don't even know. I don't even know how big it was. Well, he knew everybody. Yeah, yeah. He was involved in it. He was like a proponent of legalizing gambling. So he was involved a little bit in politics.

So he had made some enemies and different things. Plastic bag ban kind of shit. Yeah, local fucking. So the cement place next door got tired of fucking with them so they just made a deal with the city to rezone the area and uh basically took him they got rid of his driveway and took him off the city sewer and then they fined him for it like for not having sewer yeah like he and the poor guy was trying he had uh in his notes that they found later he had said like i tried i was willing to be reasonable at so many turns and now you know

sometimes a reasonable man has to do unreasonable things so he wrote him a 25 a check for 2500 for this uh these fines and wrote cowards in the fucking memo line. And then, oh, part of the thing is when they took away his road, he bought a dozer and wanted to build his own road back into his business. And they declined his permits to build the road. So anyways, he takes his dozer inside the muffler shop and makes homemade armor out of the whole thing. It's the most random.

Clint Eastwood, the gauntlet. Gauntlet on the bus. The gauntlet. Yeah, yeah. With Sandra Locke. Like a small eye hole so he can drive. He had front and rear facing cameras. Oh, smart.

He had portholes for weapons. He had food, water. He had an air rear facing cameras. Oh, smart. He had portholes for weapons. He had food, water. He had an air tank. Oh. He had to lower it over the top with a crane once he was in there. And then he didn't even open the doors of his fucking place. He just busted out, went next door, and busted down the cement place.

Yeah. Went for like two hours. He drove around town with a list It's kind of like if you remember The tank incident where someone Stole a tank in San Diego And they're like How do we stop it? There's nothing you can do And this guy's in fucking

Greeley, Colorado or some shit Even smaller than that Granby He smashed City Hall building down and eventually fell into the basement of like a hardware place or something. Oh, tie-centered. Yeah, and then shot himself.

Sure. But then it took him like 12 hours to be able to cut him out, which is kind of funny too. Is he dead there? Is he just booby-trapped? Yeah, they're all just getting overtime. They don't fucking care.

I imagine him in there, like Silence of the Lambs, listening to classical music with a small little book light and his readers, and he's checking off the list of the people that he's going to run over. I would have definitely fired a shot

and then waited for him to open up and then open fire to see, you know, oh, he killed himself. Drop, hold just the pin of the grenade. Yeah. Welcome, boys. He had all the other accoutrements that Ben Shockley didn't have in the gauntlet. Oh, damn. Shockley no-show.

That's a beat from the movie. I have lots of So what about it So you just read an article About this we were talking about what should Be documentaries I think I think it was what it was I saw this Article and this morning I read the whole Article to Jenny because it was fucking

Interesting to me And I was just trying to fucking talk when i first got here so i could try to want to be here yeah you were talking up a storm and i was so into another project that we'll talk about later on later podcasts that uh i go oh he's jacked he must have have Adderall'd. I had to. Yeah. But you didn't, but now you have. Yeah, yeah. I was trying to fake it until I make it,

and then I realized I wasn't going to work, but now I got some medicine on board, so I'll be all right, I suppose. It's medicinal. We're joking about that, that now we take drugs for what they're meant for. Is that growing up? After a lifetime of abusing drugs. Reading the label? In measured doses.

Well, I don't know. Too much. I don't want to go too hard on this. Jeez. The doctor, I had to go to the doctor to, oh, that's another story I had to tell. But I had to go, and she was trying to tell me about how much Tylenol I should take. And I was like, listen, can I just tell you that I've used recreational drugs for pretty much my entire life, so I'm not really going to start caring about how many Tylenol I take at this point.

I've snorted drugs, and I don't even know where they came from clearly that's diesel fuel i'm worried about taking five tylenol when i have a headache the first time we crushed up and snorted ritalin it was only because babbit left them at the desert party and it was in a prescription pill bottle we didn didn't know it was an upper. We just read what it was and said, fuck it, let's crush it up and store it. And it's the desert, so there's no pillid.com. It's just like, oh, there's a label on it. Crush it.

God, that was one of the best parts about that is you couldn't get internet or phone reception. And that's hard to do anymore. Pinos Altos, last time we were there, you couldn't get internet for shit. I mean, you could wait and hope, but you couldn't get cell phone reception. And that's why you went there.

And those places are getting harder to find where you go, no, I want a place where no one can get ahold of me and I can't be tempted. They're all scrambling to get it as a selling point. You know what you need to do is when they put on one of the Verizon or the T-Mobile commercials for cell service, they do that quick flash of the map and you see like on the coast it's like colored really it's like if you look if you just freeze the frame you can go up there just south of the of the capital of montana that there's no color on that map let's just go there or in the people oh oh i this doctor i had to go there to renew my uh weed certificate and i was talking to her about you said you said certificate like it's a diploma on your wall i'm good at it

listen look i've achieved something gold seal Bachelor's degree. So I have to pay for this visit where I have to do a physical anyway. So I'm like, I have a doctor. I'm just going to chat with the doctor and ask her shit. So I said, well, I've been diagnosed before with my nasal passages are too small for being the size that I am. I have to breathe through my mouth a lot. If I run or like that, they get out of breath because I can't breathe through my nose well. They've suggested doing a surgery that widens up your passages.

I said, what is your opinion on that? It's the opposite of vaginal rejuvenation. What they're doing is they're like hogging out the nose holes. Ream out your sinus cavities. And I've been on the fence about it because I don't really want to do that.

I get sinus infections anyway. People say that you get more sinus infections if you do any kind of surgery in your sinuses. So I thought fucking i'm just gonna ask the doctor while i'm here because i have to pay her fucking hundred dollars for a fucking physical just so that i can legally get a weed card at my next hundred dollar visit so um i asked her her opinion on it well she turned around and fucking googled it while i was right

there because she didn't know about it, which is all right. That's cool. I don't have a problem with my doctor doing that. But she didn't realize that she picked a veterinarian site and was sitting there fucking citing shit to me. Like, well, it says here, and I'm trying to keep a straight face. Because there's a fucking picture of a cat in the header of the website. It's fucking huge at the top. And she's not noticing?

No, no clue. She's trying to be so professional and tell me all about this fucking procedure. Well, feline AIDS. What? What's a feline AIDS? Well, that doesn't make sense. Hair balls. I'm like listen

I came to get my weed card sorry for asking a complicated question I never did tell her I just thanked her for her advice put another diploma on your wall I don't even know if that's the story that you were planning on telling me.

That was the story I wanted to tell you. Fuck. I don't have this in my notes, so I'll say it right now. Erickson and Andy Andrist are on tour. So you got it yeah good because i just saw the tweet they don't i think i busted their balls so much back in the myspace days that they're afraid to remind me now that i'm old i've been retweeting and if i can put your name in there i will but uh basically do listen erickson i gotta i gotta give credit where credit's

due erickson really doesn't ask you for anything he just does what he's gonna do and if that's why i'm not specifically hitting you up on on the twitter for that and he's not either but he does these he's the guy that that you're like how come these guys don't do anything for themselves erickson is doing things for themselves and he does it without asking for things. And I'm saying that for a reason because he didn't even ask me to do this, and I knew. So I pulled up. I got it written on my notes and everything. To plug, Andy and Erickson are doing a tour of their own, a la you back in the barnstorming days,

of just taking the fucking – the gigs where it looks like they would be fooled into doing a comedy show and it's gonna be utter chaos that's two years ago for was it last year was the last year yeah it was last year for my birthday when we went to see junior Andy and Sean Rouse. Fort Lauderdale. I just found out Sean Rouse is out of the hospital from a tell. And I didn't know he was in a hospital. What the fuck?

Anyway, the shows are everything that you go to live leak to see. They're probably brilliant. Kill those with a microphone. Yes. Probably brilliant. Kill Dozer with a microphone? Yes. Good call. You'll never have more fun watching live stand-up comedy than what we used to call

the unbookables. We should still call it that. Fuck James Inman's very affordable. Fuck James Inman. Very affordable. You know what? I'll give the dates because when this podcast goes out, they're doing June 12th in Portland at the Bossa Nova upstairs, June 15th at Charlie's at Pocatello, Idaho.

Wow, there's a run. And then June 17th at the Raven in Kalispell. Kalispell? Kalispell, Montana. That's a three-day... Well, it's over... Well, it's the 12th to the 17th. But that is... That's almost a fucking triple gig.

At I Brett My Pants and at Andy Andrist. A-N-D-R-I-S-T. That's the only way I know. I don't know where they're putting these fucking dates out. The dates are on brettericksoncomedy.com. And just follow his Twitter because he's doing, once again, he's self-promoting.

Get this on Bookables. Self-promoting the gigs with hours of advance notice. Not like promoting yesterday's gig today. He's actually doing it. And he's, and I said, just keep taking more pictures because he's taking pictures of Andy on, on stage. And it's great. And yeah, it, it, it's everything you said. It is the reason you would, you would want to go see this is why you plunked down five bucks.

I listened to a comedian on Howard Stern driving back today. reason you would you would want to go see this is is why you plunked down five bucks i i listened to a comedian on howard stern driving back today and i went uh that's my problem on stern is i'm always talking about stuff and not trying to be funny and this guy was so unfunny. And so self. I can't get into it. I don't know him. But when I used to do radio to promote a show, I'd try to be funny. And now I just talk about stuff, like real life stuff. And I don't even go for funny at all.

And I'm like, oh, shit, this guy is a wake up call to me to next time. Let's just stop fucking talking about real shit and just try to be somewhat funny. And it made me realize how few really funny comedians are out there. And I thought of Andy. I thought of joey coco diaz i thought of a tell and a tell is the funniest comic of my generation hands down and i go but he still tries and that's his achilles heel and that's why he hates his life he's always just trying to be funny and find a funnier reference and i need to do this that and this special isn't good enough like there's people that are genuinely

funny and the the rest of us have to try to make a new special uh what if i say it this way i'm not a fucking real funny dude to hang out with. I'm a depressing cunt. Fucking angry all the time. I hate all of you, except for you. It is interesting that when people want to come here and hang out in the funhouse, and if they really had the e-ticket ride, they would be sitting the furthest away from everyone. Watching me read news and complain.

And ask for a word once in a while. And it's like, dude, you got the full experience. I can't believe he was so on today. Thanks for coming. Hey, Joby has guns. If you want that Hunter S. Thompson, let's go blow up a watermelon. I got a guy for it but i'm not the guy i farm it out i'm like a fucking american industry realizing indian call centers are cheaper so uh yeah here you go shoot guns with joey you fucking go beat people up with

chad shank and chaley will bring you bird watching but, but I'm just going to sit here with my seahorse posture and read newser and complain. I won't know if you're here or not here. And I don't even know who you are or care. And I'll never remember you. I do. I do want to tell you my uncle Bill, remember uncle Bill from Idaho?

Yes. Yes, absolutely. He, the last time we were in Idaho, there was a guy so drunk in the front row at the Neuralux that my

Uncle Bill came back before the show started and then he went back out and the audience was sitting behind the guy that had been there since 4 o'clock. And Uncle Bill at one point was holding the guy up by his jacket but his head was like down and to the left so it was like he's not pulling it off and then doug finally had to say something this guy

was so drunk and he was he would just did he know him no he was just trying to help him like weekend at bernie's him through the show yeah because he goes he goes he goes great the guy is such a fan i felt bad that he wasn't going to even – this was before Doug went on. He knew there was a problem. He did not make it to the end of the show. And it was – I mean, Bill is a great guy. Yeah, clearly. He's like, I go, listen, I appreciate what you did there, but that whole thing of being too early, that's like Darwin shit.

Like they learn – they go out and then like they found out that they were part of the show and they don't remember being at the show that means next time don't drink so much don't get there at four i have for nine o'clock show i've been i've been i've been reading this book and uh ben from decapo, my new book, pre-order it now, is This Is Not Fame. It's on Amazon. Pre-order it. It's probably got a different cover still.

It comes out in October. Pre-order the fucking thing. But I read this guy's book. I told Ben when I was first starting to write this book, listen, things are fucked up at home. Bingo in the coma. Send me some books that inspire me to write because I'm going to have to do this on short notice.

And this is one that I didn't read just because the cover, the guy looks like a British writer. He does. I don't know what that means, but you're right. It's Corey Taylor. You're making me hate you. And he's making this face on the cover. And he looks like every British journalist.

He's going to irritate me. He looks like Cliff Nesteroff, who was just here. He looks like JT Habersat. he looks like Cliff Nesteroff he looks like JT Habersat he looks like Cliff Nesteroff he looks like David Cross if he was geekier so I bring this on vacation to Key West

out of default I have nothing else other than that fucking I can't remember the name out of default. I have nothing else other than, uh, that fucking, uh, I can't remember the name. Another book I haven't read. Uh,

and I read three pages and this guy's talking shit. Well, the people I party with, I'm used to all this shit and I'm not going to go to some Hollywood bullshit party. I'm like, who the fuck does this british journalist think he is who is it he's a fucking lead singer of slipknot oh fuck all right yeah you get some street cred now you go back into it and it's I hate to say kind of like

why I hated Henry Rollins Henry Rollins when I first got into him his spoken word shit on late 80s Napster I remember one of his spoken word albums opened up with why me.

I'm a part of your circle of friends. Edie Burkell is a piece of shit. And you two have what I want. Yeah. You two plays the same chord progression on every side. Like just shit. I don't know about. He's talking shit about. Yeah. He's talking. Like, just shit I don't know about. Oh, he's talking shit about...

Yeah, he's talking shit about music, which I don't know about. But I'm listening. And then he goes to... I was taking a flight from somewhere to somewhere and went into the hackiest comedy bit about... No way. The pilot being on the intercom. If you look out the left side of the window.

It was he trashed hat need music which I don't understand and segued into a bit he thought was hilarious that was the hackiest comedy bit where you, hey, keep talking about music

because at least I don't know that you're a fucking angry fraud when you're talking about music, because I don't get the game. You start doing comedy or trying to. Yeah, you're a fucking angry embarrassment. It's like being enraged, but being the worst comedian ever and swelling up about it. Anyway, so Corey Taylor. Do you like it? He goes over.

I haven't quite finished. Three quarters of the way done. I'm guessing. No, he's more than that. It's more than that. Seven eights done. Yeah. And I'm saving it because it's inspiring on such a level where he talks about a lot of shit that only he has a whole chapter about flying on airlines and children and fuck all this stuff that. writes it so brilliantly that i'm fucking dying where you go yeah you're not gonna find a mass

audience for this because most people don't fly for a living but you're fucking killing me you're fucking making me cry laughing and it's so well written i don't know if you saw the tweet i maybe i dm'd him it might have been a direct message. I said, I only wish that at HD Fatty, Chad Shank, were reading this. Because he writes so much like I want to write. Oh, wow. Where the last two books, I'm staying with, no, you have to write in the present tense instead of, oh, the past tense instead of the present.

But no, this guy writes like you talk to the point where, Chad, you remember how difficult it was to read that book on tape. I read this just endless paragraphs to bingo where I never stuttered because he writes like he talks. And stopping and go, fuck, I'm way off topic right now. Fuck this. Anyway, what was I saying? Where you you can read it without having to read it three times. And that's how I want to write.

having to read it three times. And that's how I want to write to the point where I wanted to start my third book before my next one is quite finished. So yeah, Corey Taylor, you're making me hate you. Hey, Corey Taylor, you made me hate you for writing a fucking book.

I want to write. It's fucking good. I'm not, I'm not. a fucking book I want to write. It's fucking good. That's a high praise from a guy who never gives compliments. I want to check it out. I want to read it as well. So I did tell Doug, don't give it away. I remembered two pages. 71.

Don't worry, Chaley will edit out this long pause it's it's just a line i'm no lord of the hills these hands pitching fastballs at glass houses are just as dirty as yours it's a just a great life hang on 70 I think it's 71. Trying to find an easy one. I'll probably get the hard ones too. You can do a hard one. I'm trying to get a good one. I get a lot of stuff.

No, I'm just saying how it rolls off the tongue and it fucking made me hate the shit I've written. Alright, I'm just throwing this at Chad Shank, who has not read any of this. I just found one thing where I like the opening. All right, all right.

Los Angeles can suck it when it comes to driving. Seriously. That fucking city is packed with incredibly fucked drivers, every one of them oblivious, full of entitlement and asking to get crushed under my wheels. It's not like New york where driving is a challenge and you hold on for dear life it may terrify you but you respect it in the big apple it's all about precision timing and speed oh and a shitload of honking horns and screaming east coast accents i can back that shit all day you know you're gonna have to deal with some crazy shit

so you prepare but at least you know everyone else feels the same way this is not the case in california where depending on how the energy feels an asshole in a prius may not take a left make a left turn all the day because their chakras won't allow it i fucked up because it made me laugh. It's all right. The point is, there's not 17 takes in this because I had to overwrite every fucking thing. You're going to fucking love this book so much. This guy's angst. Just palpable. You feel spit when you write it.

Finish it fast. I'm planning a suicide for a recent future. After Killer Termite's day, I hope, on July 3rd. Where's Bingo? What's today? I've been wrapping up loose ends like crazy. Do you have the chicken coop finished? A coyote keeps getting in neighbor came over to my house and told me that a uh coyote is jumping my back fence and

getting into my jumping over the fence yeah you're like a three foot uh chain link right uh no i have like a four foot field fence oh wow and they're jumping over and getting in the back i got i start off with six chickens this year i have two left and one fat coyote yeah there's a yeah and he counts that coyote when he tries to sleep so is that why you're not is that one is that why you haven't finished the coop because there's not enough to fill the coop the coop is finished i finished the coop okay whenever i did the coop i just i i was gonna put shingles on the coop is but i don't need to because of where it is it's under a tree it's all sheltered and then i realized that i can have chickens out in my whole back uh i have an acre so i have a whole back area that they're basically free and then at night they go inside this little tiny coop. Hey, do you want two acres?

That's where you punch them in the balls, Chaley. You get two acres. Come on. Didn't you go to school as a child? I have an update on my balls. Oh, really? Spaghetti balls? Hang on.

This is where Chaley will edit in breaking news. I don't know if my wife listened to the podcast about where I had to tuck them into my waistband. That's right. But hold on. Don't steamroll that. You basically going to bed at night. You'd be wearing your underpants and you would pull up on your balls and your dick, and then snap the band

underneath to keep them up high. Well, just the sack, like the chewed gum part of the bottom sack, pull up and fucking tuck underneath your waistband, and that way they're not down like an asshole baffle the whole night, trying to fucking, every time

you roll over. How did you talk about this before and not let loose with the asshole baffle? I think I came up with that one in

the interim. That is restraint, my friend. I think I was just right now. I mean, but the weenie and not the beans, that has to be up top too.

You don't twist it and invert them. Well, you could do – like you could take the skin and make like a turtle shell and pull it over the top of everything, I guess. But you could just go right up alongside. They're long. All right. Asshole baffle long. Like, yeah, pull them up. up alongside they're long all right asshole baffle long like yeah well i was looking through uh the

bank account and i saw this uh paypal charge and i was like i don't know what the what the fuck is that i'm the only one that uses paypal and i didn't spend any money so i had a phone number associated with it so i google searched this and it said uh hey this might be a fraudulent charge because i had this was a fraudulent charge. Cause I had, this was a fraudulent term. Like, well, call the bank.

What is this charge? And they're like, it's to a clothing store. And I was like, all right, can you tell me more about it? It was your wife's card that was used. I'm like,

all right. It probably wasn't a fraudulent charge. It was her card. So I called Jenny at work. I texted her working. Do you know what this is? Cause we didn't have fucking $105. Oh, whoa.

So why did you spend $105? I got you a surprise. I got three pairs of fucking Saks underwear for Father's Day. So now my balls are well supported. My bank account is fucking... I didn't know they had that size. Extra large. Balls or underwear?

Both. It's going to be weird if you're like a skinny kid with giant cock and balls and like, how do I buy these high-end underpants to go to a big and tall.

I don't know. And get them taken in at the waist? Bingo was here. She was taciturn, to say the least. And I was waiting for her to talk about Key West. Let's take a break. See if we can find Bingo. Because she left.

She sat here, said nothing. I was waiting on the key West for her to come back, but yeah, we got other problems going on, but don't we always. All right. We'll be right back after I take a shit in the urinal.

Stamps.com. We're fans. When you order merchandise from my website, be it the Doug Stanhope back-to-school lunchbox, the action figure, the stick-on fake tattoos of my genital warts based on my actual genital warts, whatever you buy. Stamps.com, when you order any of our products, are the chalice doing they're not going to a post office fuck no we live in a small town where the postman knows our name and go well you're doing some good business well you know too much about me much less back when I lived in Los Angeles, where going to the post office was akin to going to the DMV to get a driver's license. And you're learning how to pet chickens so they don't peck at your fucking

legs while you sit there for three fucking hours. Yeah. You don't have to go to the post office stamps.com. You tell them how it works. Cause I don't, I hire you. This is a, this,

this is busy as a small town. There are two post offices locally. That means there's two windows. There's two windows to go to, one at each. There's no employees. Six miles apart. There's one window at each office. So guess what?

We don't fucking like to go there. We do everything right at desk in the office on Arizona Street. And it's perfectly simple. We do employees now. And that's all we do is we use stamps.com right from our desk. We print all the postage right there. It integrates with most websites. It's fantastic. And that's the only way we can do it is because we're not standing in line licking stamps. And when you send me weird shit, as you're wont to do at 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603.

Yes, our killer termites send us a lot of weird shit. We're going to have to get to thank yous later on in the podcast. But, yeah, stamps.com. Steal all sorts of shit from work and send it to us. The beauty of it is your listeners can take advantage of stamps.com because you can print postage whenever you need it 24 seven. So when you're seven Negronis in and you feel like sending Doug your left shoe, guess what? You can, you can act on that impulse right when you have it and you don't have to

wait. All right. Termites right now, you can drop my name Stan hope S T a N H-A-N-H-O-P-E. And if you're going to use it, you're going to abuse it. You ain't going to be able to choose it. You ain't going to have it further on down the line. Things ain't going to be so fine. You're going to be sitting there all night all alone, sitting there by the telephone. And you know she ain't going to call you.

Twitter bonus points if you catch that reference. Twitter bonus points if you catch that reference. Stamps.com. Drop my name, Stan Hope, for this special offer of four-week trial. That includes postage and a digital scale. And we know that you will not be abusing that digital scale for other projects. Don't wait. scale for other projects don't wait go to stamps.com before you do anything else including that baby that's turning blue right in front of you she's choking on a lifesaver and your wife is going no it's a certs they don't even make certs anymore well it had a blue thing in the

middle is that a lifesaver no i think that might be a third brand i can't remember the name well google it no go to stamps.com and click on the radio microphone at the top of the home page and type in stanhope s-t-a-n-h-o-p-e how do you spell it again honey stand up no stanhope it's turning bluer i don't think bluer i think it's more blue is how the baby's turning go to stamps.com. Stan Hope. H-O-P-E. That's Stamps.com. Enter Stan Hope. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. Casper Mattresses.

Hey, have you ever wanted to buy a mattress without calling up some friend that you never really liked and saying, you still get a pickup truck? Well, Casper mattresses come in the mail in a box, and then they expand like miracles and dreams in front of your eyes. You pull this thing out of a box. in front of your eyes. You pull this thing out of a box. You unroll it on top of your old box spring that still has stains.

Why do you have stains on the box spring? Did you piss the bed so badly that it weeped through your old thrift store mattress and stained the springs? Why do you even have a box spring? I don't know either. I don't know why they're necessary. Casper mattresses come to you through the mail or some dude.

There's no sign on the side of the truck he pulls up in. He just beeps. You go out. You get a big box. It's not even that big a box. Anyway, you bring this thing in you unroll it it turns into the most comfortable mattress you never had to call an old irritating friend who didn't actually have a pickup truck anymore he's got a old chevy uh citation you can't even find a Chevy Citation.

They don't run anymore. It's like a Renault Le Car, but you jammed it in the back, and you had to put an orange flag on the back of the thing hanging out. It's a mattress, and then it drops out at a red light. There's a road rage. You don't have to do those Chevy Citation moments anymore. You call Casper Mattresses at 1-800. Oh, wait, they don't have a phone. It's all internet age.

Sorry, I'm in Chevy Citation age. Hey, design developed and assembled in the U.S. of A, Doug. It combines supportive memory foam to create an award-winning sleep surface with just the right sink and the right. I know xenophobe about being made in the USA, but I have traveled abroad and their mattresses suck compared to my home country. So, yeah, it's not like when you go to like Roatan and it's a mattress full of hay. You can't you can send hay through the mail, but it pokes through or feed your livestock. Nothing is a worse wake up call than a llama chewing your bedding. You're betting.

Hey, Casper is obsessively engineered, and it's at a shockingly fair price. Obsessively. Obsessively. Oh, excessively. No, obsessively. Obsessively. That's a mental disorder. Yes.

All right. They're mental about mattresses. We have to avoid cross promotions. The best deal is you can try Casper 100 hundred nights risk-free in your own home. If you don't love it, they'll pick it up and refund you everything. And Chad will back me up that most of our listeners don't think they have a hundred nights left.

So yeah, it's basically free for you, Mr. Before turning the gun on himself. You know, they do have over 20,000 reviews and an average of 4.8 stars out of five. And quickly becoming the Internet's favorite mattress. And that's not only on their website.

That's also on Amazon and Google. And the point to that didn't give it five stars. That's people that smoke methamphetamine going. Yeah, I couldn't sleep at all. I tried this mattress for 100 nights, and I keep seeing gremlins on top of my fence post, and I don't have a fence. He took it as a challenge that he couldn't stay up 100 nights.

Get $50 towards any mattress purchased by visiting casper.com slash stanhope and using the promo code stanhope. Can you spell stanhope? Terms and conditions apply. Hello, no one is available to take your call. Please leave a message after the tone. Hello, my name's Eddie and I'm four years old

and you're listening to the motherf***ing Doug Stanhope show. I found a reality show the other day called Big and Little. It's like the biggest loser for midgets.

It's big fat midgets who call a really in shape midget to come and whip them into shape i thought it was gonna be because i i love the idea of uh conglomeration of all the reality shows like my 600 pound life meets naked and afraid. They have to be 600 pounds, but forging in the fucking Tanzanian jungle. This is littlest, biggest loser. I thought it was going to be midgets and 600-pounders together at last. Oh. There's so many ways that works.

That was the great thing about Key West was just spending a lot of time just thinking about dumb shit without anyone coming over. Wait, you mean like a show where a midget gets a job swabbing out the folds of the 600-pound woman? While he's pawning something

and judging the pawn quality, and bidding on fucking storage units. You've been sitting on this, and you didn't fucking tell any of us about it. I assume it has to be pitched. It's kind of like where you think of a funny tweet about the story of the day, and then you search it, and you go, every asshole already thought of this. So I assume that with my dumb reality show, everyone's – in fact, that might have been Burt Kreischer's show.

No, it was an animated series that Adam Carolla was a voice on it, and it was animated, so it was a little different. They could do more outrageous stuff. And it was all these different characters from different reality series in a house together, Big Brother style or that kind of thing. Wow. Yeah. All right, you ready?

Yeah. Animated. I watched a documentary on Netflix, and it was animated, a lot of it. So it was kind of a bizarre thing to watch. You told me to watch that, and I fucking hated you for a while watching that. Which one? The fucking animated. You gave me a second.

It was like the tower. The tower. The tower. The tower. I'm like... You didn't like it? Till the end when they started showing the real people. And then you go, this is brilliant casting. But it's good for like naps.

If you close your eyes and listen to it, it's like a podcast kind of. You don't have to watch all that. That's exactly why I watched it. Because I could fall listen to it it's like a podcast kind of you know you don't have to watch all that's exactly why i watched it because i could fall asleep to it but in the morning i go i want to right the story's good it's yeah charles whitman yeah 25 years old went in a watchtower at the uh university Austin University, whatever, the Texas fucking college that they're so proud about. Texas A&M? 68, 66. I remember.

Late 60s. He went up there and he started fucking killing people. From a huge distance. I'm a good shot. That's a fucking good shot to get people walking around. I don't know if we said this on the podcast, but one of the early hidden camera shows I did, we went guerrilla style to Austin

and tried to get people on campus to sign a petition saying that I was with the NRA and we want to rename the tower the Charles Whitman Memorial Tower just out of respect for his incredible aim. Our conversation all comes back as soon as you said that. I do remember talking to you about this now. It might have been recorded. It might have been just sitting here like friends.

I think it was just outside. I go through such periods of time where I don't talk to people so i think that's part of why everything jumbles up and i don't remember i remember days on the road oh i'm drunk already you were gonna leave before we started yeah i was i was gonna not i was coming over to get my truck because it's been here since the UFC fight. Nice truck. Again, I forget that you have that truck. And every time I come home, I go, who's here that drives a white truck? And then I assume, because no one's here, that it's the neighbor's kid.

It's just the guy who has nowhere to go. The guy that got drunk a week ago and just left his truck because he has nowhere to go, so he doesn't need his truck. All right. I fucking lost everything on that last fight. Everything I built up during that marathon UFC day. I don't remember the outcome of a bunch of those fights, so I'm looking forward to re-watching all of that at some point. I'll bet you.

You did say you wanted to do something with this weekend where you want to stay up until 5 in the morning. That was Joby's idea on the 16th. There's fights that start at 5 a.m. Is it the Invicta? No, but it is. It's UFC. It's UFC, but I think there's females fighting.

That would involve stimulants. I thought we were staying up watching Invicta on Apple TV, and then at 5 we'd be ready to go. We have Invicta on demand, so yeah. But as I said, we'd have to have a party that we planned with stimulants. I'm not going to fucking stay up and watch Invicta all night and then watch fights at 5 in the morning sober. I think...

I think I have to leave on the 18th uh i have dates there's dates on my website i haven't looked at yet because again i have other problems that one day you will be privy to as the podcast goes but in the meantime i don't know where the fuck i'm going i know it's in the northeast yes we've got we've got a bunch of dates and i just we just listed one today that i know you don't know about and if you're on the mailing list you know about it because there was a list that went out geographically to this area. I only know about the dates where people say, hey, I'm a big fan. I started comedy because of you. I'd love to do a guest set.

I haven't even figured out who's going to be opening. Like, Brett Erickson is one of the guys that go out and I didn't even know he was on tour with Andy and Andy so now I know well there's two down Andy and Brett are two guys that go to thinking well they're probably not doing anything but fucking off no they're on tour so I know Morgan says she can do some

junior if junior stop because on tour and I can't get him So I know Morgan says she can do some junior. If Junior Stopka is on tour and I can't get him, then yeah, you can do a fucking thing. I don't know. If Junior's on tour and I can't get him. Yeah. Wouldn't that be fucking weird if Junior Stopka all of a sudden got fucking ambition? Wasn't taking your calls?

And he's doing like some kind of blue collar comedy tour but of weirdos and freaks that's selling out. No, I'm playing the Dallas Arena. What? I know it's been a while since I called but oh, you're huge now? I thought you're always available.

I don't know. Listen. Can I tell you what just got added what Worcester I saw that yeah that's how I find out where I'm playing

is people saying can I open for you in Worcester or Harrisburg I go I don't know that I'm playing there you're the

hey when you find out can you email me let me know so then I can put it up on the website I think we have about a week left to talk

and figure out I don't even know when you're I think we have about a week left to talk and figure out. I don't even know when you're flying because I have to go in early to New York City to do press. Yeah. For the CISO special with Murphy and Glenn. I still want to drive the van out. Really? Yeah. All right.

We'll talk about this tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'm going to be better. Okay. Tomorrow, I. I've heard that before. Don't we all say that? Don't we go to bed thinking that? All right.

So, uh, let's do some thank yous. Uh, John McHugh sent, sent me a Amazon echo, which is like that thing Ralphie May has like hey Siri

or whatever and it just plays music you just talk to the fucking thing Alexa Alexa that's the one who's Ralphie May so this guy sent us an Echo which is like that but also

Chad you're a fucking paranoid like me. Well, it can listen to all your conversations. Oh, it's never off. It's never off. So you go, hey, I killed a guy in the park, but he was asking for it. And I go, that wasn't a dude. That was a chick.

Well, either way. So it records that. dialing 9-1-1 confession recorded yeah technology you gotta you gotta when you tell stories about that you just change significant details even as drunk as you are when you tell drunken murder stories you change and then And then, yeah, prove that. Yeah, I was in Toledo. I was never even there where I fucking told you I killed that guy. I had to get back to my hotel, so I grabbed the bus in Fort Lauderdale. Well, you can't get a bus from Fort Lauderdale to Toledo.

He was obviously drunk. Point being that our good friend, John McHugh, sent this. So how do we know he didn't program this thing so he gets to listen to all of our off-podcast podcasts? I don't trust the McHugh. He doesn't even know that we just sit here quiet waiting to podcast and don't even talk to each other anymore. Alexa will quit.

Hey, how is your week? Save it for the podcast. Joanne Cannon and Chris Kilroy, not Killjoy. Kilroy, a.k.a. Killer. Chris Kilroy, did you nickname yourself Killer? Because if so, it's pretty weak. Hey, Funhouse Tribe from Two Killer Termites, cleverly disguised as responsible, upstanding citizens.

That means you have kids. I know it. Turncoats. They sent us something i don't know i've it's a gift which gift was this i don't know all right they sent us something nice now all you want is to hear your name people like to hear their names i'm no exception that's a minneapolis fan it like chapter one, how to win friends and influence people. Let me just do these, Chad, because I know what they're... Someone sent us... Pete, at Gruso, G-R-U-S-O, sent rum to the Funhouse.

He says also the Bundy ginger beer is coming separately. Oh, that's a dude from Australia. He sent us a case of fucking ginger beer. Oh, okay. Oh, that's a dude from Australia. He sent us a case of fucking ginger beer. Okay. Oh, yeah. Right there. Yeah. The rum.

Someone else put a bottle of ginger beer and rum. Australia. He's from Australia. That guy spent fucking. Yeah. Yeah. Can we, while we're on the topic, all these fucking assholes who email me, I'm not the stamps.com guy. That's Chaley.

So when you go, it's $25 to ship a thing? Well, yeah, it's probably because you live in Bosnia, you fucking asshole, but you're not asking the right person. Chaley should have his own fucking email on my website. It goes on all the invoices. It goes on anyone.

Is it on the website? It's obviously on the website. Hey, if It goes on all the invoices. It goes, anyone orders it. Is it on the website? It's obviously on the website. Hey, if you want to complain about shipping charges? Stanhopestore at gmail.com. And I like the complaints because that lets me know there's something to fix,

something to tweak. But you only hear a fraction of them because I only rarely check my email. They all go through you. I know, but you're only hearing the time I check it and I have deemed

enough time to forward it to you, which is you have to hit the forward button and then put in G and then it automatically puts Greg Chaley. That seems like the fault of the people who are too dumb to email the right person in the first place. No, no, that's not their goal.

Their goal is to send Doug Stanhope an email. About merch. I don't respond about merch. Well, I don't respond to it. I generally just forward it to Chaley. Sometimes I go hang on, let me forward this to Chaley because like when you wake up, you know how we wake up and you hate yourself.

Maybe if I do one nice thing by responding to an email, I'll be a better person. And for a second, you feel good and then it just goes downhill again because you make the same bad choices over and over and over again daily until

your death rattle is even brought up by your fucking producer and your bartender Stan Hope store at Gmail Doug will never answer anything related to merch from here on out. Just don't do it. I will.

I'll fucking reach out to one of you occasionally. I'm going to tell you some fucking key. I got another one. What? Oh, the boutique gin. Ben sent us and he's a very responsible guy. His lawyer said he had to leave his phone number. I couldn't read that.

First of all, he didn't send it. That was in a paper bag. No, no. He stuffed it in the mailbox. He left it in the mailbox. And then he said his lawyer told him that if you're leaving that, that's a liability. So you should put your phone number there so it shows at least you could be contacted. Doug's not at fault.

Liability is the word I couldn't read. He gets squinchy at the bottom of the note. I'm glad you said you couldn't read it because Chaley pushed it at me earlier, and I just shrugged at him. I was like, I have no idea what the fuck that says. I could tell he wasn't going to read it. I was like, I don't know. I can barely read it.

I don't know what that is. I saw a lawyer. I assumed, hey, this is a funny joke. I can't see. Bingo's waving at me. I'm about to do Key West stories if you're bingo. Are you bingo? I'm pissed real quick.

All right, pissed real quick. We're going to take one more break. Yeah, right now. Right on. Oh, one more thing. Andrew, our Andrew out here. Andrew Nelson. He's doing the bar top in the newly remodeled patio.

Yes, he is. So he's doing the bar top in the newly remodeled patio. Yes, he is. So he's doing a bar top, and he wants the podcast listeners to send matchbooks or other bar ephemera to cast in resin on the bar top. So if you want to be included. Immortalized, if you will. I think it's very cool. If you want to include it in that. Pause the podcast right now and grab a pen so you can write down. Pause.

212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. Send it to us. We like weird and vintage. If I was to somehow acquire like a big pot leaf the size of my hand. Can I get that ensconced? Oh, if you could find one. I don't know if you could. I'm going to start looking on Craigslist right now.

I'd probably press it between. All right, let's take a break. Have you ever considered driving a semi truck for a living? Then rev up your engines and come on down to Ohio Valley Truck Driver Training School. There are companies out there right now that have 10 to 15 rigs sitting every day because they don't have drivers. You can finish our course in five weeks, enroll in a full-time in a 200-hour course, or an 80-hour refresher course. The Workforce Investment Act funding is available for direct student loans for qualified applicants, and major credit cards are accepted.

Don't forget the Ohio Valley Driver Training School. Our facility has a 4.5-acre training lot and a 72-passenger bus. So call today. and a 72-passenger bus. So call today. Ohio Valley Truck Driver Training School, 1341 Highland Avenue, Williamstown, West Virginia, right here in Williamstown. Call us at 304-375-4140. That's 304-375-4140.

Your future is just 18 wheels away. Tell them the Doug Stanhope podcast sent you. Alright. Let's just blow through Key West the same way it blew through us. I did a

Brian Hennigan. I booked drunken travel I want to get the fuck out I want to get away from people I want to get some sky miles back to diamond medallion because I can't stand being a filthy

lowly gold status I want diamond so I booked drunk travel and knowing I would wake up happy about myself, going, oh, shit, I guess I have to go to Key West and take five days off. And I woke up happy. Oh, shit, I did that thing.

So Bingo and I went to Key West. Flew in. Looking good. We were looking good. We were dressed to the nines for the travel. As soon as you land there, you are enveloped in this June Florida wet heat. And I know it's a hackneyed premise about, well, the desert, it's a dry heat.

In Florida, when it's 20 degrees cooler, you can jump into the ocean and come out. Did I already talk about this? Warm from a pool. I have a pool where it's 104 degrees and you get out, you're freezing. On one stiff breeze, you're freezing. There, you're still sweating out of the ocean.

Is this ocean water or is this sweat? Even though it's 20 degrees cooler. So we went to Fort Key West and it wasn't outrageous. But one night we went down to Duval Street. That's their Bourbon Street. The drag. The main drag. Yeah.

Hogs breath. Asked our bartender at the hotel. We're at a hotel near the airport. Boring as shit. Nothing near it. Get an Uber. No, they don't have Uber. Fuck that place.

Petty cabs. We're going to cab down to Duval Street because we asked our bartender, what's a bar you would drink at? Well, we also asked for a dive and we asked,, can I say that, or should I save it? That's exactly, I know where you're going, Bingo. Okay. Bingo's back, by the way. We'll save it.

We asked her, what's a bar that you would drink at? As a bartender, a bartender will generally tell you a great dive bar. Then we go to this bar that's not a dive bar. It's a touristy bar. Was that the, can I say it? Was that the Green Parrot? No, no, that was the Schooners. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was the night. Yeah. So we go, there's a cover band. I had tweeted drunkenly on the trip down, I'm going to do a shot for every Jimmy Buffett cover song I hear. Song number two? First song. Oh, was it?

No, the first song was. Was? Happy birthday to someone in the audience. Second song, however. Jimmy Buffett. Oh, shit. Fuck. So you choked down

to Jameson, I think. Barely got it down. But the band knew us. Yeah. So it was fun even though they were a cover band.

I mean, fucking Chaley was in a cover band for Christ's sakes. We love him. Sort of. And so the next day we go, we should go out and do Duval Street.

We walked the entire distance of it. Went to find brunch because we slept through breakfast. So at 1230, we go down. All the brunch places are full. I just wanted some pumpkin eggs. Just want some eggs, Benedict. I've been fixated on Eggs Benedict. Yeah, you have.

And you can't get them in this town, which I think that's why. Denial. Mornings Cafe, even the Bisbee Breakfast Club fucking cocksuckers. But my thing was... Often duplicated, but never replicated. It's the same thing! My thing was French toast. So we were trying to get eggs benedict and French toast.

And you're even more particular than me. Yeah. French toast. We found one place. Well, it's Cuban bread with raisins in it. I don't want raisins in it. Whoa, whoa! Cuban bread with raisins? We went to Denny's.

Yeah, we did. because everything was full or weird and bingo goes uh Denny's that'll do can I just get French toast because on the Denny's menu which is really fucked up there was no just French toast there's French toast and this and that she goes can I get just French toast she goes goes, all right, how many do you want? And she goes, four. And we assumed four plates. Pieces of toast. Half pieces.

French toast comes in half. They brought out four slices of the fat Texas toast. An inch and a half thick. It was a tower of toast. Yeah. I don't think I can eat all this. I hope not. I hope no one got video of me going into a Denny's

when we're in Key West and we have all these choices of nice shit. And they don't have Eggs Benedict either. Denny's doesn't have some bastardized version? It was so grotesque. It was like if you went to Bourbon Street and went to Hard Rock Cafe.

Oh, yeah. Like, I'm fucking, I'm a dirty, dirty person. Dirty, spank me. Pee on me. That's a different restaurant. Don't they do that at Denny's? Yeah, yeah. In Bourbon Street. It's a guy named Den Don't they do that at Denny's? Yeah, in Bourbon Street.

It's a guy named Denny. So we ate there. I went down to DJ's Clam Shack. I hope I have that name right, because they had fried whole-belly clams that you can only get in New England. That's like one of your favorites. $30.

It was $27 plus tax. For a sandwich? For a basket or roll. Either way. I was thinking pool boy. $30 for just less food than she got with French toast at Denny's. Is this interesting to anyone? Hold on a sec. You bought clams at Denny's is this interesting to anyone hold on a sec you bought

clams at denny's no no we went down the street so then we walked the entirety of duval street which was a heavy sweat it's that long about an hour to walk up and down and on the way back i saw one of these places as i'm dying, dripping sweat, where I just need a water. I need a cocktail, but I need a water. My hands are shaky from the night before and the trip in. But I need a water and a cocktail. And one of these, it was called La Tida. Everything's French-themed down there.

Every brunch place is a French-themed La Bistro. And even the Banana Cafe is Banana French. And French is never appetizing. There's nothing about the idea of France being appetizing food-wise. You mean in Key West, you didn't want French onion soup for breakfast? I saw the place that we had passed earlier when everything was overcrowded and we settled on Denny's. Now, on the way back, it's empty.

And it's a patio outdoor bar. And I go, this place is empty. Let's just go here because I saw ashtrays. If they don't serve food, if they're not serving food, you get smoke. So we go in. I get a water. I get a cocktail to take down the shakes. Bingo gets a water, and we stayed there for about two hours.

We were there for a while, yeah. A couple people. There's a while, yeah. Couple people. There's a hotel adjacent. Cool bartender. Cool bartender. At one point, the bartender says, Oh, well, at four o'clock, there's a dance party. Uh-oh.

And I tell Bingo this. They were playing Like just over the In-house music was all BGs and just shit Oh what was the name of the band I called it Ambrosia

I know that song Yeah I just called the song The weakest songs Making me feel... I don't know. That's so weird. In Key West, everyone has some kind of live entertainment because it is a tourist destination and it draws people in.

You went in because of the ashtrays. And the lack of live entertainment. Because, bingo, tell them. Lack of live entertainment because, bingo, tell them, we were walking up and down from 1.30 to 3 hearing the live entertainment. Jimmy Buffett poorly sung on a Sunday afternoon. Everywhere. By one guy. I don't want to listen to anything.

I'm hungover. I want eggs. So we went to anything. I'm hungover. I want eggs. So we went to the place with the dance party. And Bingo said, oh, dance party? I want to stay and watch. She was thinking it was like a dance recital. I thought they were queens. I thought it was a dance party like that.

It is one of those things where everyone has a different interpretation. I'm thinking swinger party. Or in the afternoon on a sidewalk on the Bourbon Street, the Las Vegas strip of Key West. There's people walking right behind us at the bar. I'm trying to think of who

wants to participate in that dance party. Sweaty fucking ballroom dancing or fucking jitterbug contest. Well, as as as four o'clock hits starts getting crowded with queens, just the most elaborate queens. And then they cut off the funny overhead Bee Gees, ambrosia music

pumped through the system and now it's at one point i said to you i go they could just play this dance beat and put any they could put on the star spangled banner and it would sound like dance music. Because at some point, the music stopped, but the beat kept going. Are you just playing anything? Bass and drum or something? There was a repetitive nature. I still didn't get it. I can't even explain it.

I still didn't understand what the fuck was up. And at some point, I'm sitting at the patio bar with my back to the sidewalk about three feet away from the sidewalk and i heard a small kerfuffle of and i turn around and there's this fucking viking guy that would make chad shank take pause before he squared up this giant fucking guy he's like fucking hey dude and his wife is taking a picture and i'm like hey and i just turned around because it's still kind of empty hey oh i'll take a picture with you. He's like, fuck yeah, man. What are you doing in town?

You doing a show? I go, what are you doing in town? Where are you from? He goes, I live here. Some people live here. He's this giant Nordic,

angry, motherfucking, bikery guy. This is before I figured it out. And I said, pitched some bullshit, and I said, hey, what's a good bar to go to and this is where yeah after the night before where the bartender said oh go to this bar and it was a

i go i want to find a bar that doesn't sell t-shirts do you know one and he pitched a place that's above the bull. I remember the name of the, because we passed the bull, and that was stupid music. No, upstairs from the bull. Hey, thanks very much. We go to where they're playing shitty dance music, and I go, we got to get the fuck out of here.

And then I explained to Bingo, no, dance party means there's a bunch of fucking, you know, raver kind of old queers that are going to dance on the patio. There's no, it's not river dance, honey. There's no show. Oh, okay. Let's go then.

Someone had suggested the band from the night before and suggested the Green Parrot, which was a cool bar, and we went and found that for a drink. But as we leave La Tida, which I just thought was French-themed, like everything else, on our way out as the dance party...

No, they were serious about that. We look at the entrance. They have posters of every obviously gay thing. There's Cher. There's Drag Queen. Fuck. Every. It's just.

I didn't notice. I just noticed now it's empty. And I went in. Is this still Denny's? No, this is the one. Oh. That we ignored. but that fan of yours in front of latida which i thought was french no gay as shit thank god i'm out of the closet

and and then looking back i like i i probably looked like I was trying to bail up by going, hey, what's a good bar? Because they're playing this shit music now. I want to get out of here. Well, we just caught Stan opening a gay bar. Hey, what's your story? Where do you live? What are you doing here?

You can be gay and have taste in music. I mean, not that you do or you are, but I mean, fuck him for judging. He didn't judge. I assumed he was going to post that going, hey, stand up at a gay bar in Key West. Don't care. I actually prefer gay bars. I've only been in one, and it was with you guys in Vegas, and it was one of the best bars I've ever been in.

It was like two-for-one drinks. Everybody was super polite. I was doing blow with Andy Anderson in the bathroom, and it didn't feel weird. Like if people caught us in there together, it was like a unisex bathroom. Yeah, it's like the least thing you could be doing is blow. Yeah.

It all comes down to the shitty music. Yes, that is. You spin me right round, baby, right round like a record, baby. Or just shut up and fuck me in the ass. That's their transition song? I think he's going to turn. What's his name? Pete Burns, Dead or Alive.

I wonder who'd like that song. I never knew. It's Tracy's first gay crush. I don't know that. Pete Burns is Tracy's first gay crush. But who's... Sing some Dead or Alive. Dead or Alive.

Sing it. No, that's it. You spin me right around. Oh. That's it. No, that's... Fuck it. That's...

God, I used to remember the name of that band. I can't believe you... It's not Pete Burns. No, you're thinking of David Burns from Talking Heads. This is Pete Burns. No. It's music, and you don't know what you're talking about. So let's move on.

All right, let's move on. Let's not move on. You'd be a fan of his dead. Pete Burns used to wear an eyepatch. Dead or alive. Yeah, dead or alive. Dead or... Oh, wait. All right, I'mepatch. Dead or Alive. Yeah, Dead or Alive.

Oh, wait. All right. All right. I'm drunk now. Dead or Alive. That's the name of the band. I did say that. I know.

I was thinking you were saying the name of the song. I'm in the room. All right. Eggs Benedict. God damn it. Did you ever read Sandhopes' dates? Did you ever read them? Doug, do you want us to read the dates

I don't think we ever did it we didn't no we didn't read the read the dates cause I'm reading the rest of my notes one of them says

Kreischer I have no idea what that means uh Eggs Benedict was another one that's not even about that but I had

the rest are just like bitchy things I wanted to yelp about the hotel we stayed at where they just kept fucking up my every... So make it quick. Okay, there was a hard bull day on his... No, I'm going to go to dates. Okay. I'm saying, yeah, all my

fucking notes suck. Okay. Doug Standup is touring. He doesn't know where, but apparently there's a website called Brown Paper Tickets. You go to DougStanhope.com to figure out all the dates. Go to tour dates. Chad, what are those dates?

June 22nd, West Nyack, New York at Levity Live. June 24th, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, Harrisburg Midtown Arts Center. June 28th, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Improv. June 29th, Cleveland, Ohio, Cleveland Improv. Holy fuck. We're going that way and then back? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, fuck.

I don't even want to know this. Go ahead. I'm going to block my ears. You read them and I'm going to go. La, la, la, la, la, la. July 1st, Buffalo, New York, Trafe Music Hall. July 2nd, Rochester, New York. Comedy at the Carlson. July 3rd, Syracuse, New York. Funny Bone. July 5th,

Albany, New York. Funny Bone. July 6th, Burlington, Vermont. Club Metronome. July 11th, Providence, Rhode Island. Comedy Connection. July 12th, Manchester, Connecticut. Funny Bone. Hartford. And just added, July 10th, Doug will be returning to Worcester, Mass.

Don't even know the venue yet. I hope it's Ralph's. It better be Ralph's Chadwick Square Diner if it's not. Yeah, Dickie. Don't worry. He jumped on me. Oh, I got to fucking. I got shit to talk to you about with that gig that I just found out I have.

So when does it end? When does the tour end? We do not have an end date because people have been asking if I'm going to be here and you're going to be here and Funhouse Accessible and baseball and all this shit. And I'm like, we don't know when it ends in July. Right now. They just keep adding. It ends right here on this podcast. it ends in July. Right now, they just keep adding days. It ends right here on this podcast. It ends right here.

The bottomless tour. I go out. I say some shit. The fucking CISO special is coming out. I don't know how much of my material I burned early June 22nd or 24th. What is it? The CISO special. The one I hosted with Morgan Murphy.

Oh, South by Southwest. by southwest walsh yeah oh it gives me fucking ulcers because i stunk and i don't know how sober brian hennigan was to edit me to look better but i sucked shit and uh it's all on their backs to carry it that's a i guess that's a podcast thanks for coming chad It's all on their backs to carry it. I guess that's a podcast. Thanks for coming, Chad. Thanks for being here, Greg. I live here.

I live here. Tracy was so kind, and Bingo actually showed back up. She wouldn't get in the water. She's afraid of sharks. I'm deathly afraid of sharks and bears. And I always tell her that they come in pairs. We'll be back next podcast with even more intriguing information. Hey, someone said that the podcast you put out last was like a cock tease ending.

Yes. And I don't remember what it was. What did we build up to? I walked out at one point and said, fuck you, panty waist. And you guys kept talking. And then we did Shaylee Challenge after that. You guys all left to go to the pool. And when you decided to leave, you guys were like in the middle of stories.

You're like, let's just get the fuck out of here and talk about the way we want to talk. Because you were saying something about Johnny Depp. I do kind of remember that. Oh, no. Burt Kreischer was like, is there things you can't say? And you're like, let's just get the fuck out of here. I'm like, that is the brilliant fucking cock tease is a great person. That's a great tease to a part two.

Part two was Chaley challenge. I do remember after that going, Hey, do I shut this off? And Doug's like, yeah. And then I put in the sound effect of like a, like a hard switch, like Frankenstein's monster. Let's give a plug out to the best. The hashtag Chaley Challenge. C-H-A-I-L-L-E Challenge.

The one. Still going. Chaley Challenge. I know, but they get better and better. Not all of them, but the one that I just retweeted going, this is the best one. The video game? Yeah. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Super Mario Brothers.

Super Mario Brothers with me. I haven't seen the Super Mario Brothers. This challenge caused me to delete my fucking Twitter account off my phone. You doubled down. Yeah, yeah, this is... I don't understand it anymore. I thought I understood Twitter, and now I don't know who's liking this.

That guy's crushing it. He's doing the video stuff, which... The one where it drops Shaley out of the fucking airplane. Damn buster. Yes. As a bomb, and he skips. That's still my favorite one. That was my earliest favorite.

I gotta watch and see this one, then. There was one that was porn-related was porn related we're pooping out of pooping chaley out of a butt or something with a too easy too easy well that was that was groundbreaking at the time appreciate then the one you're talking about chad and then the fucking super mario brothers is beautiful lynn lynn shawcroft just uh texted me the other day and said, like, I texted the link to some of the Chaley Challenge stuff to John Doerr, her friend John Doerr, comedian John Doerr. And he was, like, at an airport stuck somewhere waiting for a plane, and he fucking was losing it just going through the thread like from like the first one chad's chad's picture of me cannonballing into the fucking best picture the only art i've ever made shaley and i made art together that day only time i've ever done that and he just went through

the entire thread fucking crying the whole way through and And they just made an East Coast to West Coast flight. Much more bearable. I love you, John Doerr. Bingo Bingaman, tell people where they can find you on the road. Oh, boy. All right, Bingo Bingaman's not going to be on the road. I can't make it this time. Chad Shank, he'll be at his house. Don't find him.

Greg Chaley and I will be on the road somewhere where Chad just listed dates we'll find you somehow get on the mailing list because we're pretty sure Henning is going to keep there's a bunch of open spots in there we usually only take one day off a week so there are going to be more dates get on the mailing list at Doug stand up calm and you will find out because

he every time we get a new date and again and don't be the fuck face that emails me because if you get an email from me before noon, it's going to be some angry shit like fuck you. You fucking simpleton. You're too stupid to follow me. Don't ever be my fan. I send those a lot. And then I it's a form letter letter i'd say i regret them later but

i'm not gonna notice and but yeah be on the mailing list don't be in san jose or sacramento where i just played two months ago when are you coming to sacramento i was just fucking there get on the mailing list and you would have known it d DougStanhope.com, mailing list, and avoid hate mails from me. And I won't be on tour with you this time, but I will come back to the podcast with stories. Don't you worry about that. All right. You want to play something out or you want me to just...

Let's play more bingo. Bingo's getting a lot of fan tweets and mail. Oh, yeah. You want another song? Yeah, well, what we played last time was... and mail. You want another song? Yeah. What we played last time was Let Me Out. Yeah. Let's see.

How about Peach Pie? Peach Pie. It's the New Orleans brass band one. I don't know. What do you think? I think we saved that one. Okay. Let's save Peach Pie.

The book is coming out. Yeah. Let's see where to put the flowers. I think we saved that one the book is coming out what's the where to put the flowers that's the one that breaks my heart makes me cry alright here's bingo bingaman Amy bingo bingaman with where to put the flowers

go fuck yourself I hope you cry yourself into a fucking coma it's yet another night where I don't sleep. I'm in your hometown. And you're in my new Orleans. And you're in my new release So yes, I guess I am where I am supposed to be For I seem to have some strange tendency to show a bathroom just to who is boss. The mirror has stooped to my level, but the bathtub won't

be misbehaving at least anytime soon I'm on shake number three but tonight my whiskey and me got more

therapy at a fine man that torn scrap of paper where you wrote to me quote but most of all you are the

bravest person I've had the honor to know I love you wildly First I've had the honor to know I love you wildly. Thank you. Where to put the flowers Now that the scissors have been used? My hair fell to the floor next to my heart that's now pumping booze. But I still have my lips for tap on the way and tip taps issues. But lady, I fucking miss you.

I'll fucking miss you I said lady I'll fucking miss you There is no straight In this damn town That will lead me to you in a half moon after I've eyeshadowed my entire body in blue. And there is no river here that will run me to you but somewhere in my head I hit you

right with every pectoral bar that floats on by it's yet another night where I don't sleep

I'm in your hometown And you're in my new place Thank you. must be 18 void away prohibited available in the united states must be 18 years or older he said 18 twice oh all right it's an old bit doddering old man it's a fucking bit from 2004 about how the pledge of allegiance should have those terms and conditions at the end must be 18, void where prohibited terms and conditions may apply

not available to all contestants or something like that did you throw up during I had to cough but I wanted to be down low I understood you have to I do that all wanted to be down low. I understood. I do that all the time, but that's because I have this gurgler fucking warbly cunt flubber fucking lungs full of death.

But you don't even smoke, and I thought you were throwing up. Well, I kind of smoke with you. I thought I was that funny. We're in this together.