The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #214: A Very Bisbee Colonic with Morgan Murphy

Episode Date: June 21, 2017

Ep. #214: A Very Bisbee Colonic with Morgan MurphyThis episode is sponsored by- Blue Apron – Get your first 3 meals FREE at BlueApron.com/Stanhope. Blue Apron, a better way to cook.Morgan Murphy is back in the FunHouse with her experience of the darker side of Bisbee, tourism.Morgan Murphy's new podcast, Los Feliz: The Podcast, Los Feliz – Feral Audio - http://www.feralaudio.com/show/los-feliz/Recorded June 12, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Morgan Murphy (@Morgan_Murphy), Tom Konopka (@RealTomKonopka), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.Closing song, "Humbleberry Pie", by Birdcloud. Check out Birdcloud on Twitter - @birdcloudusa and download their music from iTunes.LINKS:- Blue Apron – Get your first 3 meals FREE at BlueApron.com/Stanhope. Blue Apron, a better way to cook.- Los Feliz: The Podcast, Los Feliz – Feral Audio - http://www.feralaudio.com/show/los-feliz/- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

We're just chucking this out really fast. By the time you hear this, we're already almost there. This is podcast number whatever, Who's Counting, with Chaley. And Morgan Murphy is here with Tom Konopka. Morgan. Morgan is down last minute. Welcome. I knew you were coming when you sent me a picture out of the airplane window.

No, you didn't because I sent you a text after that and you said, you're here? Well, no, I didn't know you were in Bisbee. I knew the flight wasn't coming to Bisbee. You have to fly to Tucson. But you've been talking about possibly coming here at first for months because you're getting your kitchen redone or some shit. Yeah. You tell me a lot about it, and I don't listen.

Yeah, I'm getting a remodel. I'm not going to tell you more about it if you just told me you don't listen. I mean, that's what I'm doing. I'm remodeling part of my house, and it's an annoyance to be there. So you came here to write? I came here to write and take part in, you know, festivities and activities that the area has to offer. Of which there are none. I went to many things today.

Today you should. I went to the Jewish memorial in Tombstone. What? Yeah, I took myself to, I keep passing a sign that says like. Where's that Native American memorial at Auschwitz? Hey, genocide? Me too.

I went to the Jewish memorial in Tombstone. There's a graveyard and then there's a path off the graveyard and you gotta you really gotta find it well it's they advertise it from the road or they used to you they say yeah it says graveyard and then it says and jewish memorial yeah and i was always fascinated by it so i decided to drive out there today take a look myself as a jew and uh see where uh you know all the tough jews got what

was the name of the corral oh i call it the oive corral that up it didn't kill in the gift shop but i uh i worked on it i tested it out but it's not just uh well this is not authentic. Nothing much in Tombstone is authentic. There's no original. I get it, but I also don't see the reason. I understand that some things might be like, oh, see where old Jim was buried, but there's no reason to fake a Jewish memorial in the middle of Arizona.

There's just no purpose to it. I'm saying that there are graveyards that are authentic. There was no Jewish part of the... Jews set this up 30 years ago, you told me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jews built the memorial, like, in 84 because they wanted some recognition that there were some Jews there. Wait, 1884?

No, 1984. Boothill didn't have a Jewish section back in 1884. I get... No, it didn't. It doesn't even have a Jewish section back in 1884. I get – no, it didn't. It doesn't even have a Jewish section. There's no like Jewish names on the tombstone. It's just – there's a regular graveyard and then there's a sign that says if you want to acknowledge Jews, basically walk far away from everybody else.

And keep walking. And keep walking. And then you'll find – I was the only one at the Jewish part. Well, from the road, because the sign that you see from the road that includes Jewish tombstone, cemetery, whatever it says, Jewish. It's an add-on. It looks like it's written by our gang. Like, no girls allowed. Backwards eating. All the headstones are like that, where it's like a piece of wood and it says, like, you know, killed by

a Chinaman. Like, it all is like stuff like that, or, you know, what is it, a less more or something? They had a less more reference. A less more, like, you know, killed by an A-44, never less, never more, all that kind of, you know, poetry and stuff. There once was a man from

Nantucket, that was on the backside. Well, from the road, you would assume that when you see that, you know, shitty made sign that you go here, that the actual tombstone in the day segregated Jewish graves. Right. But it's not that at all. It's actually it's not even the real graveyard, is it? Well, it's I don't know what the history of that particular graveyard. I didn't really dig into it. Not the Jewish part, even the main one.

Isn't that like a scam? Oh, I don't know. I mean, it very well could be. I'm just saying that I don't see the point. I can see the point in scamming people with that graveyard. I just don't. I can't imagine the Jewish parts of scam because who are they? Who are you trying to scam?

Why else would a Jew stop there? Wait, Jews don't have money? No, I just don't think Tombstone's a big Jew stop. Well, it never was. But if they're all coming down here to Bisbee, get them on their way back to Tucson. All right, well, then they've got to turn the sign around. But, yeah, it was fun.

They had no Jewish stuff in the gift store, so I left. And then I came back to Bisbee and I got a thoroughly exciting colonic. Hi-yo. You say there's nothing to do. I've done cultural events today. I've had literally the liquid shit sucked out of me. That's a day. You look great. You watched basketball.

I watched some basketball. You should get one of those colonics, by the way. I got one in Alaska with Becker holding my hand because he was going to go next, but didn't. Oh, no way. Really? Second time.

I'll do you and you owe me one. I had one before, too. This was the most... It was a thrill. Is that a weird way to describe a colonic? Bingo's had a colonic at the same spot at the garden. Gardens at Mile High Ranch, I want to call it. Is that what it's called?

Yeah, we may have had the same tube. Describe the woman. Describe the woman. Lovely lady. I think her name's Maggie. White hair. I think she has a dolphin tattoo of some sort on her arm. And she is, I mean, what a delight.

Like, you walk in, and she starts talking to you, and in five minutes, you wish she'd be your mother. She's just a delight. She massages pressure points. She tells you during it. I'm not a colonic expert. I was very, she was pointing to a chart and then she's like,

why are you here? I didn't want to say I want to lose weight. I was like, oh, I'm blocked. My aura is blocked or something. She held my hand. She massaged my pressure points. say like i want to lose weight so i was like oh you know there's i'm blocked like my you know aura is blocked or something but she held my hand she massaged my pressure points and she told me i was doing a great job the whole time which made me while you hang on for my dumb listeners yeah you know who you are a colonic is where they put a hose in your ass and fill you full of water to the point you can't not shit then you shit through The one I did was a glass tube like an aquarium where they look at your shit.

It's like backfleshing a radiator. Yeah, they put a tube up your tushy, and you lie down. This is a gravity one where it's basically like it looks like an arrowhead bottle hanging from the ceiling, and she talks to you about the you know how it's all filtered like triple filtered and you just believe her and then uh and then they just fill you up with water and you feel pressure and you kind of say when to stop when to hold when to release and you do that for if we did it for 45 minutes and it was five minutes first 10 minutes i wanted to leave and then the next i was then like after and then minute 15 I was like

sign me up for Wednesday. That's five gallons by the way. That's five gallons. The barrel you showed me yesterday, that's a five gallon barrel. Well, it fit. It fit. I only vaguely remember my circumstance. I remember the woman sitting watching the shit come out of me through some kind of glass where she was.

Because you had to have this. There was a screen I could watch on. Literally, I watched a video of the shit going through a tube. Wow. And she tells you the whole thing. She's like, you'll see yellow. You'll see orange. Like, yellow is the, you know, basically

she was like, one color is the liver, one color is the gallbladder. This is what's coming. One color is your future. Phenomenal. And she was so excited about it. Anyone who comes to Bisbee, you gotta go, this lady, she was so excited about it, she made me excited about it

and then she made me feel at peace and she was massaging my feet and my legs and my back. And she would congratulate me when things would come out. It felt like I did something. I did nothing. She does this with everybody. I didn't even shit with effort. Well, Tom, that's

why I said describe the woman. Because when Bingo went up with a gaggle of gals, I think Gretchen went, and they all went to get colonics. And you could tell just by how you're talking. I know this town, and I know that woman. If me and Tom and Chaley showed up for colonics, she would not be all happy with dudes. Honestly.

I heard there was a pressure point. First of all, I couldn't disagree more. I think it's in her to be a peaceful person. Like I have never – I think part of why I – like I have never relaxed that much in such an uncomfortable setting. I was perfectly relaxed. I'm telling you, you look incredibly relaxed. Thank you. Even right now. I'm not kidding. Thank you. She did something to you. I don't know. I'm telling you, you look incredibly relaxed. Thank you. Even right now. I'm not kidding. Thank you. She did something to you. I don't know.

I don't know what she did to me. 40 minutes and 5 gallons. The way Becker and I went into our colonic, because we're coming from morning radio on a dare to do this. Well, that's always fun. Hey, I'm here on a dare. Would you mind treating me well?

The moment that we shared a joke about this between two dudes. Oh, there's no, hey, honey, you're doing a great job. No. They're pushing a car through the car wash. Shit and get out. I don't like your humor. The guy who shows up at the car wash five minutes before closing time. Get it fucking grown.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll get the bugs on the bumper. I think there's only one way to answer, to solve this basically, is that you have to go. You're right. Chaley versus Tom, round one. You gotta go. You gotta go. You'll love it.

I think. I can do it in my bathtub at the house. She actually told me about things I could do at home by myself, and I said it doesn't seem as fun without you. Did you say that? Yeah. Dougie, when you went with Becker,

was it at the same time where you were on two beds looking into each other's eyes? No, no, he didn't go. He was supposed to go next, so he sat in there with me and the radio intern that brought us to report back. It sounds like a K-Whale stunt. Of course it's K-Whale. And then Be becker we'll have to get his side of the story he said oh they said the water broke down

they're out of water switch no you gotta go and then they she lets you uh she really lets you determine your own end she really lets you go hey i'm no she's like should we do another and i'm like should we and then she kind of like got me to be comfortable with doing another round and then you go and she's like she's so kind

you don't feel dirty she's like oh sit on the toilet as long as you need to I'll be in the front like looking through the peephole yeah

I need to know where your poop goes like when you said this oh I don't know hang on you don't get it like when you leave and there's

a tooth in a jar? Do you want to take this with you? You said it's gravity-based. The stuff coming into your body. I'm picturing and maybe Tom's the only guy old enough to remember your grandma's

red rubber douchebag hanging off the fucking shower curtain. It's the gravity intake. And then this what I was and this I did mine maybe 20 years ago, 18 years ago. 95. No, no. This is later. This is later.

Oh, yeah. That was after 9-11. It was the weekend. You know, remember the girl with the strap to the bed and the... Who? We don't say those names. No, it wasn't even... I said the wrong name. I gave you the wrong...

No one heard that anyway. This is why you didn't like it. You were probably in there doing too soon 9-11 jokes in the colonic place. Or hungover... They had machines. There wasn't a bag hanging from a – No, no, no.

This is like all natural gravity-forced stuff. All natural, meaning we can't afford those machines. No, there was a video. They had a video of the poop. I don't know. This is the thing. That's a whole other thing. The appeal to gravity feed is that they're not hooking you up to the water system, the city water, and a 75 PSI going into your bowels. They do the gravity because it's basically a low pressure, and then at some point you can't do anymore, which is way less than what city water would be.

Yeah, and they – I don't know how, I honestly couldn't prove any of it, but she really explains the purification process of the water that's used in a way that makes you comfortable. Yeah, the machine outside Safeway. You get it, reverse osmosis. Yeah. Yeah.

We get it too. It's on our thing. You just keep putting quarters in it, honey, and ring the bell if you need me. It's the gym water fountain at the Boys and Girls Club in Sierra Vista. But no, I feel great. I can't believe it, but I do.

So going back. I mean, that's really what it boils down to. You don't need to look at a screen, which I – look. You could just have it like Walt Disney World where you think you're going underwater and Captain Nemo is underwater. It's a small world. It's all fucking fake. You could just have it as a circulating yellow and red crepe paper going through a loop with an aquarium pump. You don't need that.

The fact is that you feel good. That's it. You don't need all the pumps and circumstances. I also think there's a slight delay on the video feed because she would get excited before I'd see what she was excited about. Do you know what I mean? She'd be like, Oh, here we go. Oh, here we go.

Oh, you're doing wonderful. Oh, this is fantastic. You know your body needed this? Oh, of course. Here we go, a lot of yellow. And then I'd see yellow swish through. And she'd go, orange, that's fantastic. What? She was reading your aura. She didn't. I asked her. I wanted to come do it again. I was like, that's fantastic. What? Because she's reading your aura.

She didn't. I asked her. I wanted to come do it again. I was like, sign me up. I think you might be let down because it's probably one universal loop, and everybody here is the same exact fucking thing. Well, it works. Yes. Look at the yellow.

It sells. It's the rubbing. It's the rapport. Absolutely. It works. They got to teach you stuff to say when you become a therapist, right? They teach you shit in school that probably didn't mean anything. Worst shit ever.

Worst shit ever. Did you call this shit? Yeah, yeah. First of all. Before, the woman felt very cold. This was different. It was real. Yeah, it was real.

Good for you. So, everyone check it out. Okay, and who was it? Say it again. I think her name's Maggie, but it's the owner of the gardens at Mile High Ranch. No one with white hair is named Maggie yet, right? I thought it was Maggie. I might be.

She might have been Margaret, and then at some point... And there's a woman who does massages, and you can stay there. Like get a job? Hang on, hang on, hang on. What if one of us who draws short straw, Derek is here too, so you're included, One of us who draws short straw, Derek is here too, so you're included, goes to get a massage holding an enema. As soon as they pass on your lower back, you go,

oh, sorry, I forgot to let go when I was getting that clock. I don't want you guys doing anything that's going to tarnish my reputation there. No, you wouldn't do that. We're not doing anything like that. I still swear she wouldn't be nearly as nice to a dude unless he's an old hippie. But one of us that looks like... I don't know, man. I think she'd be really nice. I think if she wasn't nice, there'd be a story behind why.

And it would involve you saying or doing something inappropriate. Hey, we're podcasting. Is that cool if we got to set up a mic? I thought it'd be really ridiculous to come here and make fun of the thing you're passionate about. Is that alright if I do that? Who is passionate about flushing shit out of someone's ass?

She was passionate about it. That's why I was excited to be there and that's why I'm going back. That's why she's suspect. Because she's good? Come on. What Jewish rabbi is the guy? I want to do circumcisions. That's me.

Your theory is saying, oh, I like that place because it was shitty, which means they're not tricking you. That's your theory. I think that is his point. That is his theory. That's a selling point. Well, I mean, proctologists, they get into the job for one reason and one reason alone. People who look in your ass at the airport or the border.

That's not a proctologist. You understand that, right? I'm talking about a medical doctor. I know, but a guy who doesn't have the money for doctor school goes to the border and goes, this guy looks suspicious. That guy, everyone looks suspicious. Not that guy. He's too old.

As he's slapping gloves on. Puts his pen light in his mouth. All right, get out of here. Let's go. I ain't got all day. Take your time. Take your time. Wow.

Well, I'm going back Wednesday for the podcast. Wednesday already? Yeah, Wednesday. That is good. Thanks. We just going back Wednesday for the podcast. I think that's great. That is good. Thanks. You have your own podcast. Yeah, I think people listening probably know that already. No, they don't.

I have a very tiny little local podcast in my neighborhood. Which is called? It's called Los Feliz, the podcast, and it's about my neighborhood, Los Feliz. You've got a write-up already. Yeah. Three episodes in. We just talk about the neighborhood and what's going on and what stores

are moving into where things used to be. I heard the first one. To find it, go to Feral Audio. It's a huge... It's a conglomerate of a bunch of different styles of podcasts. A lot of comics. One of my favorites is The Hour of Goon is on there.

You guys have three episodes. It's now up. The last time you were on the podcast with Bill, the page wasn't up yet and none of the episodes. Now you say you've got a bunch in the can, so they'll start going out more regularly. Yeah, it's fun. It's interesting because I really like it, but there were a couple things, like an interview

and thing where I was like, oh, I don't want to do work. I just want to do this thing that seemed like it was no work and it was silly and it was ridiculous. So there's a couple things where I'm like, ah, that feels like now it's starting to feel a little like work. But it's fun. I like it. It's my neighbor. I go to my neighbors and we talk about the neighborhood.

You guys have great chemistry. That's all I got. Well, you get a fucking write-up after three weeks. Well, we talked about how they make keys at the local hardware store and that's all I got. Well, you get a fucking write-up after three weeks. Well, we talked about how they make keys at the local hardware store, and that's, you know, groundbreaking. That is indeed.

We were fucking with you, Erickson and I. We go, oh, yeah, we have a couple in the can, but we haven't put it out yet. And we go, oh, we're going to do our own Los Feliz only podcast. Yeah. Put it out before. Please hold.

Yeah, you had a colonic. You can get a cigarette. Is it weird that after the colonic, I didn't feel like smoking? You were saying that this morning. Is this the first? Well, no. I've had a few later, but all day I was fine. Did it taste any different?

No, I just didn't feel the earth. I don't know what happened. What, the colonic? Yeah, after the colonic, I didn't feel like... I felt I would have rather had another colonic than a cigarette. That's how it felt. Now I'm back. That is deep.

You obviously don't smoke menthols. This halfsy has been taunting me for three and a half days, and I knew I could maybe not get through this. This is exactly why I have to fucking hide in and just watch Netflix. But I'm right back to it. Anyway, we were going to fuck with you. Sorry, that's where we just went all off the fucking canvas. I just kept getting closer to fucking snapping,

and I go, all right, fuck this. I'm having a cigarette. Yes, we were trying to fuck with your podcast by putting our version of your podcast out before you ever had your premiere episode, and then you get a write-up. If Erickson and I had done that, because he lives in L.A., yeah, maybe we would have gotten a write-up for a spoof podcast i had done that because he lives in la yeah maybe we would have gotten a

write-up for a spoof podcast of a podcast that doesn't yet exist why don't you do a podcast about our podcast where you talk about our podcast after our podcast talking those feelers like a fan podcast yeah yeah and just oh sorry i haven't been smoking for so long but have you noticed my death rattle is pretty much gone after fucking three impressive three full days of not smoking i don't hear it at all i didn't smoke for a week a couple a few weeks ago i would have had a bad sinus infection and i was like ah i'm gonna stick to it okay and the minute i felt an ounce better i was back that's okay incrementally you can back up how much do you smoke at home i at the most i mean all i've gotten to like a pack

a day but i don't i i don't i haven't been doing that lately all right but yeah a pack a day is like my you know where i know i gotta start I travel, especially flying, you're limited. So when I'm sitting out here and there's never a time I can't smoke, I smoke myself to death. And writing that book just oversmoky. I just have one lit in the ashtray. It's the same with scripts. Like I can't – that's the biggest problem is that I tied it to writing and then I needed it

writing. And then because I was writing so much, I would smoke more because I was writing. And then when I wasn't writing, I was so used to how much I was smoking. It's just a, it's a terrible cycle. I mean, I got to quit at some point. It's like an addiction almost. Is it? It's hard.

It's like an addiction. It hasn't been hard for three days until I have to talk to someone. You know, someone has an issue. Like, fuck, the first thing, a phone rings. I want a cigarette for a split second. I talk for 15 minutes straight, and you need a cigarette desperately. Not at all. Oh. Let me get to some shit.

Morgan. What? You're going to be on tour with us. Yeah. Hey. Starting when? On tour. Great. Yeah. Starting when? What is it, the 22nd?

22nd in West Nyack. And then the dates are on DougStanup.com. Rattle them off. Oh, I didn't grab those. I'm sorry. It's fucking, I don't know. It's places in the Northeast. And Cleveland, right?

Am I crazy? Cleveland and Pittsburgh are as far west as we're going. And then back to New England. Just added Worcester, and there's more coming. Where's Worcester? Chad read it more. June 10th. Sorry, Worcester. Morgan's on tour until the 4th of July.

Her last day is the 3rd. Her last day is the 3rd. We have the 4th off in Syracracuse and aj is not going to be there fucking asshole oh you can stay with me oh i guess we can't because he's moving here thursday anyway so after morgan's off the tour the other support act is uh nat nat busy whoever's nat busy that week hey i think thatBusy was in that graveyard at Tombstone. Still NatBusy.

Still NatBusy. So go to DougStanup.com and get the dates. Get on the mailing list because every time a new date is added, it goes out and it's an email that goes out to the people in that area. I don't have any merch. Is that bad? I didn't get any more CDs.

I don't know. I'll make something. Don't you have your CD? Origami? Don't you have some Boy Friday hanging around your estate during construction hours that can burn some off? I gotta figure out how fast I can get some CDs. I don't think I can do it.

That being said... You got to have sign colonic bags like the douche bags. Yeah. That's an idea. Green ones. I'll sign tits. I signed tits last time I was on tour with you. At least you got tits. Yeah.

I usually have to go with ball sacks. Since we're driving out to New York, Tracy and I, Tracy bought. Yeah. It works out on paper. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Since I'm driving, Tracy is going to be, she's got a bunch of skeins of yarn. She's doing fun house color coasters that we'll be selling at the merch booth. Now that's cool. Absolutely.

Not at the farmer's market? No, no. She's coming with me to New York. Have we talked about that? Tracy and Chaley and Joby have been doing the booth at the farmer's market? No, no. She's coming with me to New York. Have we talked about that? Tracy and Chaley and Joby have been doing the booth at the farmer's market with his sourdough bread. Joby's sourdough bread. Joby's bread and his hair. Yeah, we've talked about it.

Joby, a picture of Joby should be on his label for his bread. That's a good idea. You know, it should be very like Thor bread. Then they'll just want to buy the labels and not the bread. Oh. Joby on his bread trading cards. Here's my extra sour. I'll trade you a light rye for a pumper nickel.

I'll make your eyes. He's got a ponytail in the picture with just a wisp of hair hanging down over an eye. Yeah. I'll do the photo shoot. It sounds like it. It's already in your head. Yeah.

So, yeah, we'll be driving out. Can you talk about what you're doing? I'm doing press for, oh, our special comes out on CISO. What?

Your special. Hey. All right, Morgan. I have to go out and promote that. So I'm just going to promote you guys because you were there. That'll be fun. When are you promoting stuff? I leave Saturday.

This will already be aired. He left three days ago. Yeah, I left three days ago by the time this airs. So, yeah, I go out four or five days ahead. You might not even be alive when this airs. so yeah i go out four or five days ahead you might not even be alive when this airs not at this rate not not smoking this much i just had four drags of a cigarette i'm dying again colonic tomorrow there's a bell dude um where are we staying like four seasons and stuff when you said oh i ran into tom down in old bisbee. I thought he was getting a colonic, too.

No, that was in town. I've been running into, I apparently have friends in Bisbee now. It's very exciting. I love it. I mean, I love it here. I feel like it's a little bit like getting on board your thing. Yeah. But I just find it to be easy and delightful and everything that I think I want when I don't want to be in LA.

You bumped into Alex O'Meara. He gave you a big hug. Yeah. Yeah. Even with your hair up, he recognized you. The lady who sells hand-painted scarves in that little alley with the vegan restaurant, I saw her and I said, hey, my friend Bill bought a scarf. And he goes, and she was like, didn't remember.

And I said, black guy? And she was like, oh, yeah. I was like, the only black guy who's bought a scarf from her ever. And I forget he's so handsome. I forget the guy's name that inside the Bisbee coffee shop

does those little dolls. Oh yeah. Remember the ones he has his hair is blue? Mark? Yeah. He has some dolls I need. Yeah.

The golden girls. There's four in the window of that little Bisbee mart area is four dolls. Each one is it's the cast

of the Golden Girls. And I want them for sale. Oh, no, those aren't for sale. Those aren't for sale. That just draws people in. Yeah, the Pride Festival's coming this week. There's supposed to be a curtain up so you can't really see.

Yeah. No, he did a great one of you and Bango. Classy. He's like, we have the King of Queens cast. If you need that. He's usually there. We have a Kevin James doll. I'll talk to him tomorrow. He's like, we have the King of Queens cast. If you need that. We have a Kevin James doll. I'll talk to him tomorrow. He's usually there. Nice guy.

We'll get a deal. We'll hook you up. You and Tom probably know old Bisbee better than I do. I was thinking that today when I was looking at touristy stuff. I grew up in LA and people would always tell me like, have you been here?

Have you been there? Have you been here? Have you been there? Every tourist thing. And I go, no, I never, you don't live somewhere.

You don't go there. And that's how I felt today. Like looking at every, I almost texted you a few times to go, have you been here? Have you been there? And I was like, there's no reason he would have ever.

No, but you, you're actually walking lighter. As Doug knows, I've been taking on the steps slowly, you know, part of training. I'm going to do the colonic and do that whole fucking Bisbee 1000 in about 15 minutes. I like it. Fucking, if it works, if it's that strong, absolutely.

We're going to do some steps. Tell me about the gym you were trying to tell me about. No, I was trying to explain to her Lowell. How do you explain Lowell? It looks like it's- Where the Bisbee Breakfast Club is. All right. I know where the sign pointed to the Bisbee Breakfast Club is.

It's a block that looks like an old back alley. Universal Studios. It looks like a set. So when we drove by there the very first time I went through there, I think Shaylee said, oh, and that's the gym. But the gym, the front window has that

old school shit like with the leather strap to shake your ass and all that old stuff. I thought it was a goof. Then I really peered in. It's a well-stocked, old school gym with the dumbbells, like going to the original Gold's Gym. It's fucking great. The whole block, it's 100 yards of street, but it's not connected to anything. It's between the pit and the circle.

It's the only thing there, and it's all vintage facades. Actual Woolworths 5 and Dime. Do they film there? I feel like I've seen filming. We filmed there a little bit. You could do a 1950s period

piece, and it's all right there. About the Jewish pioneers. Yes. Exactly. There you go. Yeah. That's right. Lowell used to go up when there was a mountain there. Is that right? Yeah. And in the 1950s when they started

to actually do open pit mining there, then it started to just fall in and they had to actually move homes that were up the hill. All of Bakerville, the Tweaker District, where Bakerville is across from Dairy Queen. It's one of the neighborhoods. Those are all the houses that used to be where the hole in the ground is. That's why Lowell ends at a hole in the ground.

It used to be houses. Because it kept falling in. That makes sense. the ground. It used to be houses. It kept falling in. That makes sense. What's left is where they actually stopped eroding the hill and things

stopped falling in. It's kind of a bypass and it's just a one street. That's where the Americana Festival is every March. April. It's a slope so it's a slope, so it's a natural kind of amphitheater. It's perfect for what they want. And there's

basically two businesses there that have put all those facades. Like the Harley-Davidson shop has Harley-Davidson's in the window, and an Indian motorcycle. They've got a karate thing from 1972. The gym was so... I thought it was fake for so long

until I drove through there at night one time and I saw dudes in there. I couldn't believe it. You were nice enough to lend me yours. And then Castle Rock Kenny had Olympic weights in his garage that he didn't even know about, hadn't used. So now I've been trying to work my ass into all this

and lo and behold, that fucking thing's been there all along. 24 hours a day. Well, Officer Bob Friendly hooked you up, right? Exactly. Thank you you Janice absolutely because I said I was at Poco's and I said you know I just I want to train I want to do something

I wish there was a gym he says there's like three of them I said well the one in Lowell I said you mean that's an actual gym he said of course it's not a museum for gym equipment no but the whole thing looks like a set yeah yeah the front of it I mean it's dusty and all that But then it says private club

It's fucking killer I'm loving it And then the speech shop And then the photographer Those are the two guys that have done all of that And there's also a space down there We should find out what it is There's an open space that they're renting

For wedding receptions and stuff That's down there That's completely enclosed. And at night, once again, at night, you can tell what's actually been lived in or what's a business because at night you can't hide the fact. We went there. There was that little fundraiser, whatever it was, for the yellow.

Right. Where they had all the dancers and this and that. They had the bar. They had the food. They said you had done some comedy something or other there. Yeah, we hosted a dumb thing. Whatever, but I'm just saying. Oh, the dating game.

You drive by the front of that, you'd have no idea that that even exists. It's cool. It's a hip little place. I like it. It looks good. I do like it. And you've been keeping fit with your blue apron? Yes, I have.

Let me see. About two weeks ago, I had it. It was a beef knockwurst and sauerkraut. Now, see, that's not a big foo-foo. Everybody's worried about the furikake. It's a knockwurst and a sauerkraut. You're a Polack, so. Yeah, exactly.

So, I mean, I'm German also, so I'm next to the worst, as they say. Stop it. And, yeah, that was great. I get to make my own sauerkraut. But, yeah, next week. Wait, you made your own sauerkraut? They didn't give you a my own sauerkraut but uh wait you made your own sauerkraut they didn't yeah no they actually no no you actually you have a uh green cabbage and you let it marinate and you're throwing on what was it vinegar and sugar i'm looking at it and you let

it marinate and it was it was fucking great it was uh it was great so they give you the exact amount of vinegar everything you know obviously, we've already talked. Everything, it's just cooked by number. But the knockwurst was like a 13-inch, a big fucking knockwurst. So if you're hungry or if you're horny, Blue Apron will fill you up. And for next week, let's see, seared steak fingerling. I've never heard of fingerling potatoes. I love fingerling potatoes.

Little ones. They're little ones. I think baby knockwurst. Wait, what are those? Because Bingo saw those in your kitchen today. Those are my fingerlings. Are those fingerlings? I'm fingerling my potatoes.

She goes, what are these? They're potatoes. And I go, I think that's some kind of root. No, no, no. She goes, no, they're potatoes. And I look closer. Yeah, those are potatoes. I'm going to go home and fingerling my potatoes.

It's great for a potato salad, fingerling potatoes. I love a fingerling potato. I just keep on hearing you say it. I can't tell if you're being sarcastic. I'm not at all. A fingerling potato salad is fantastic. They're very small. They cook fast.

They're like stubby little midget fingers. Yeah. They are. It almost is. Yeah. You know what they look like? Almost exactly. What?

A micro penis. Oh, wow. There we go. That's okay. Blue apron. Blue apron. Okay. And yeah, next week it's going to be what?

Spicy pork and rice balls. This week. That's what's coming this week. Oh, it is this week? Well, it's got the shiitake mushrooms and the summer squash. And again, just a great mix of stuff. The bread is all good. Wait, which one is that?

The first one is the, remember, you get three. This is the spicy pork and rice bowl. Yeah, that's the bowl. So it's summer squash. We're in summertime, so it's going to be a little bit of fresh. All of these dishes have things that would make a 13-year-old giggle, like shiitake and fingerlings. Fingerlings, exactly.

The 13-inch kielbasa. The ferrococci. Don't forget the 13-inch kielbasa. But you can actually customize your meals. So if you want something that's not suggestive, you can untick that. Yeah, it's PG. A parental block on your blue apron. Any PG-13 names of the ingredients?

PG-13 inches. Yeah. But you can select which proteins are in there. So if you don't want any pork, then you can just unselect that. Or if you want to go vegan, you can go vegan. That's exciting. I don't want the donut and the creller in the same box as my kids. But it is.

It's great. It is great stuff. How are you doing on times on cooking? They say about 40 minutes. That's an approximation because the reality is the prep time. Yeah. If you just take the time, like in the past when I've done it and maybe brought it out to you folks if I wasn't eating it all myself,

then you're under like 35, 40. But if you prepped any of this in advance, it's just chopping, hocking, and cooking, you can get done in less than 20 minutes. But here's the other thing. If you're just a fucking dude that wants to eat a meal that's delivered and you don't want to go, you don't have

to do all the weird shit. You can go, fuck mushrooms. I don't want shiitake mushrooms. I just want to eat the pork. I'm just cooking the pork. No, but you'll have a more educated mindset about it. Exactly. I've already had.

If I bought chicken around this, I know how to put it together where it's better than just bland fucking. But if you're not trying to impress some coos and you get all this stuff in your fridge, you just eat the shit you like. You can just chuck the stuff. Fuck that garnish. Fuck a garnish. I'm in a bad mood. You have endless options. They should have two versions. One for impressing

coups, as you so delicately put it. And one for just flying solo and watching the game. Stuffing things in my pie hole. That's it. A freaking gavonne. Let's go. Boom. Five minutes and out. And I've done all of the above. You have those options.

Hit those bullet points, Chaley. Hey, check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping. That's right. Free shipping. By going to blueapron.com slash Stan Hope. Yeah, they do all sorts of organic shit and they're farm friendly and they do nice things for the earth. Sometimes you don't give a fuck. farm friendly and they do nice things for the earth.

Sometimes you don't give a fuck. You just want food sent to your door so you can sit down on a Friday night and eat by yourself and just throw the meat parts in your head and the heavy starches and fuck all that other stuff. The game is on. You will love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home cooked meals with blue apron. So don't wait. Right, Tom?

Right. Like a colonic for your mouth. Like a colonic. Like a colonic. You will enjoy how it feels and tastes. That's blueapron.com slash Stanhope. Blue Apron, it's a better way to cook. Mm-hmm.

I like biscuits and mustard. I also like the Doug Stanhope podcast. Mm-hmm. I like biscuits and mustard. I also like the Doug Stanhope podcast. Mm-hmm. consistent half smoker. That's why Doug and I were going to start. Didn't somebody say that? Doug and I were going to start. That's what we were going to start, Doug. You remember that? Did you talk about that? When we were going to start our half cigarette company. A little half packs.

Yeah. Because that's all I smoke. Are we going? We're good. So we're back. Yeah, half cigarette. All right, yeah, we're back. We're talking about, yeah, we had two ideas.

We were going to do half cigarettes. Half cigarettes, because that's all I smoke. Yeah. And leave half behind. Yeah. Stanhope and Murphy's sounds like a Benson and Hedges. Yeah. Yeah, have cigarettes.

That's what people smoke. Like a small pack or when you can break in half? No, no, no. Like filters on both sides and you stand. Small pack. Stan Hope and Murphy's. Halfies. Yeah, small pack.

There it is. Small pack for people who have to smoke outside an office building in Minnesota on their lunch break when it's 30 below. Or you want a cigarette and then you forget you don't. You just want to try one and then remember that you don't. Or for starters, if you're going to start, you're probably hacking halfway through. For starters and for finishers, for quitters. There you go.

It's the full Zen circle of death. But I don't see how this can lose. Openers and closers. Openers and closers. Yeah. It's a good, yeah. For starters and for finisher, for quitters. There you go. It's the full Zen circle of death, but I don't see how this can lose. Openers and closers. Openers and closers. Hey. All right. Thank you. Quickly.

This poor girl. It's unfortunate when someone gets on Twitter and they have kind of a, a cute picture, but they only have four followers. So you immediately assume that this is a skank bot. And she wrote some nebulous, like, I don't even remember.

She tweeted something at Andy and he wrote back and somehow I get included. And I looked at her profile and I go, this is a fucking obvious bot. You don't have a cute girl with only four followers and i go andy you're obviously talking to a bot block that person and i blocked her and which turns out she was just uh is new on twitter unpopular and then i guess a bunch of people gave her shit i don't know because. Cause I blocked her, but then she emailed me go, why do you tell everyone I'm a bot now? Her name is Natasha Patterson with one T at Natasha Bella D Natasha Bella D. So she's a real person.

And sorry for besmirching your name. She's from the UK and she sent as as a gift an air freshener, which I was going to throw it out because I opened the envelope and the whole place stunk like something other than cigarettes, and I recoiled. But what the air freshener is, and this is the perfect time to bring it up because I'm re-gifting it immediately to Morgan Murphy. It says it's the Bristol stool chart.

This is my new subject, so I'm very excited about this. Thank you. Take a read of that. I am an enthusiast. Oh, all of these things came out of me. Type 1, Type 2, Type 4, Type 5, and Type 7. It's actually a stool chart that's been printed onto an air freshener from some kind of medical organization.

Wow. And it just has poop on it. And poop is funny. Yeah. So type 1 is separate hard lumps like nuts. Type 2, sausage-shaped but lumpy, et cetera, et cetera. I'll use it. I actually will use this because I may or may not have smoked in my rental car.

I'll hang this up on my way back. Is the last one called wild card? Because that's the only thing Bingo and I have. What's coming next? No idea. Oh, that's in color too. Joker, Joker, it's a triple. No whammy, no whammy.

The last one's called Bisk. Are you shitting? Are you kidding me? No, it's not at all. I'm just kidding. No, it actually is called Bisk. No, it's not. Portland Timber Football Club, that's my team.

Hey. If you follow the MLS, you know, even if you don't, it's important to always have a favorite team, whatever the sport is. When we came out of World Cup, Jones and Fremour tried to get into MLS. We picked our teams. I'm Portland Timber. You too?

Also Portland Timber. I know Bingo is. Count of Berth. She's an Oregon girl. Sounders. Seattle Sounders. That's Drew Carey's team. Me and Drew Carey. birth. She's an Oregon girl. Sounders. Seattle Sounders. That's Drew Carey's team. Me and Drew Carey.

Yeah. Lost a grand on that, but my loss was the Innocence Project's gain. So we bet for charity. Yeah, yeah. We don't need each other's thousand dollars. And do you have a team? Colorado Rapids. Colorado Rapids, says Tracy.

Wow. And the rest of you don't give a fuck but we are in qualifying right now for World Cup which now I'm I didn't know if you knew about it when I told you last night that we're starting to follow it because it's on one of the TVs

are we doing it? are we doing a tour? following World Cup next year? yes we are wow get on mic Are we doing it? Are we doing a tour following World Cup next year? Yes, we are. All right. With Erickson. Wow. He's the guy that knows.

That's the man to blame. All right. All I can re-gift you. Get on mic. Get on mic. All I can re-gift you, since you're a Portland girl, too, is a T-shirt. Oh, that's a good one. Ooh, look at that.

That'll fit me one day. Portland Timber sent me a scarf that I am not getting rid of. That's a phenomenal scarf. Now that I know which one I'm getting, now that I know I'm getting the lesser of two things, I'm not as excited. Yeah, sorry. Timber Army, come on.

But that shirt would look better on you. But I don't wear T-shirts as a scarf. What are you wearing right now? A white T-shirt? Well, it's an undershirt. You can't wear a colorful t-shirt under another shirt? No, I don't do that. Oh, sorry.

I guess I answered that. I'm sorry I didn't know all the weird, strange things about you. This would be way too big under a shirt. Workers of the world tonight. He has the scarf. He doesn't need the shirt. I'll try to pull it over my body. Jesus, they're not going to follow you around.

Make it like Christmas. Oh, I love the t-shirt. I love the shirt. You know, it's... When you're a kid and you go down to get presents on Christmas morning, your mom doesn't go, here's a Lego. I'm keeping the Nintendo. You know what I mean?

Like, that's what just happened. I love it. It's my favorite thing. But didn't your mother teach you how to be polite and go, oh, a's what just happened. I love it. It's my favorite thing. But didn't your mother teach you how to be polite and go, oh, a Lego is just fine. I love a Lego. No, I love the shirt. The scarf is fantastic. I love it.

You're not even a fan. You probably even lied about that. It's the only team I even know. That's where I was born. It's where my whole family lives. That's the only team I know. I'm going to put it on right whole family lives. That's the only team I know. I'm going to put it on right now. Maybe next time you go for a colonic.

Would you please? Oh, keep filling me up until you get the attitude out. It's right past the bisque. We haven't. We didn't fill me up to. Putting it on now. Politeness. It's actually looking quite nice.

There we go. Morgan. All right. This is the actually looking quite nice. There we go. Morgan. All right, this is the last thank you I'm going to do. I don't want the Portland Timbers to be mad at me, Doug. They're wearing their shirt. Maybe you should say something nicer about them, and they might send you some shit. What's your address?

Give your address out online, and they might send you something. 1920 Hillhurst Avenue, number 302. Los Angeles 90027. Oh, not Los Feliz? That sounds like mailboxes, et cetera, right there. BR 549. You're very wrong. It's a Box Brothers.

I wonder how often celebrities have stalkers that sit outside of mailboxes, etc. Going, he's going to pick up his mail sometime. Yeah, he's Joe Pesci. I'm thinking the exact same person. I don't know how you fucking came up with that. Really? Exactly. Like, he's got to get a tax refund.

He files early, right? Speaking of perfect segue that i fell into my last thank you and i'm just i'm not gonna fuck with it because a it's a premise i want to start working on on stage uh this is uh she sent me her name is i can't pronounce it anias Anais Anara from Basque country in Spain. She sent Bingo a nice handmade bracelet thing.

It's beautiful. I like her name too. It's a lovely name. If I'm pronouncing it right, it might be a horrible name that I pronounced so perfectly that she's going to go, oh, I'm going to change it to that. That is nice. It's beautiful.

She sent me a keychain with my album cover. She sent me a keychain with my album cover in some kind of weird glass laminate thing. That was nice, too. She does handmade stuff. Beautiful.

But she wasn't sending us stuff she was sending the main package was this was this bracelet for Johnny Depp that I probably drunkenly said something

sarcastic to her I get a lot of emails and people that want to contact mostly hugely crazy people, all hugely crazy people, including friends who have said, hey,

you think you could pass this screenplay? No! Are you fucking kidding? That's unbelievable. You know who you are. Sorry. So she sent a long letter and i'm not gonna fuck with you uh you you have some uh delusions and uh it's a nice bracelet i'm not gonna give this to johnny if i said something sarcastically that didn't cross and translate the language barrier, sarcasm is the last thing. Yeah. No, no, I'm not going to give it to him.

I don't and I'm not going to I wouldn't give him my screenplay if I thought it was great. I wouldn't do that. So, and I'll talk about this on the road because there's a, there's a lot of meat to this where there's not a lot of meat to my act, but I want to talk about the crazies. So thank you very much. You did beautiful work. And please until further notice where I gauge my own moral barometer on this road trip to figure out when it's okay and not okay to fuck with people who might have some kind of disorder. All right, we'll get it to that on the road. Thank you, Morgan Murphy, Tom Konopka, Greg Chaley.

What else? I got to take care of this. This guy sent us Christopher sent us T-shirts for everyone. Here's one. Here's one for Chad. I know we're supposed to start it with that. Here's one for me. Tragical Misery Tour 2018.

I don't know if that's been done. Tom, here's yours. It's kind of a well, it's it's yours. It's a guitar. That's the Evolutionary. I like it. Here's yours. Panamint Springs, by's yours. It's a guitar. That's the evolutionary. Yeah, evolutionary. I like it. Bingo, here's yours.

Panamint Springs, by the way. Nice. Hell on Earth, 2005. Super cute. Yeah, I love that. Just, we appreciate it, but Bingo's not a large, by the way. That's very cool. And I still grow into it.

This is that. Doug, here's yours. You got an extra large. It's also the Panamint Springs, which I love that people still keep Panamint Springs alive. You better be so grateful for that shirt right now. Christopher, Christopher, thank you very much. Hey, Christopher, we thank you. Maybe we should close on our sizes.

I am a large. No, you're a medium. Well, no, I'm a medium if it's an undershirt. I'm a large if I'm wearing it just as a T-shirt. I'm a large, which I never wear unless it says Panamint Springs on it. Timber Army? No, I'll fucking chuck that to the wayside. Which you would also wear as a T-shirt, so only send to mediums.

Seriously, Doug. If Doug's a large, I'm a fucking parachute. Doug's not a large. He's a medium. I'm telling you, Doug. a large, I'm a fucking parachute. Doug's not a large. He's a medium. I'm telling you, Doug. All right. I'm a medium. I just found one of your shirts in the wash.

It's a medium. Yeah. Which one? The DKNY. Oh, that's an undershirt. Well, yes. That's all you wear. The rape trailer is a large.

You're going to die. It's a large. I have four T-shirts that I occasionally wear To bother people Tom XL Tracy Women's medium, men's small

Women's medium, men's small Boob shirts She's in the t-shirt game So she knows sizing. She would know. Bingo's small or medium, but she will wear this extra large around the house. And Morgan? Yeah, I don't know now.

The termite tent? I don't know. I like a big shirt. I like an XL, whatever, a large XL, whatever gender you think I am. And Chad is always double X. Chad's double X, and I'm a medium. Cool.

Let's get over it. That's it. Is Chad going to be – You're going to be – We're leaving. With me. We're already gone. Doug, I'm going to see you in two days. I don't know what you're talking about.

All right. And quick, just real quick. I just finished reading Bingo's book. Bingo's book? Yeah, it's official. Let me out. What else am I going to say? Because it's true.

It's a great fucking read. It's a lot deeper and a lot more revealing than I thought it was going to be. And then you get our music. You get the CD with it, and that's killer. We're still waiting to hear back it's getting coded for a digital release so we will give you on the way we'll tease you when we know when that's ready for release we'll give you three weeks or a month notice for pre-sales hype it and don't forget you can pre-order doug's new book this is not this is not fame you can get that on amazon pre-order it's new book. This is not... This is not fame.

You can get that on Amazon pre-order. It comes out on Halloween, but pre-order it now. Get some fucking hype behind that, fuckheads. And see so, June 22nd, our special, Doug Stanhope hosts the Comedians, Comedians, Comedians

with Brendan Walsh and Glenn Wool and Morgan Murphy and myself from Austin. Yeah. South by Southwest. Can't wait to see that. Taped it in March.

You'll love to see them on it. Just because of Doug's reticence to plug it. I can't wait to see it because I know what he said when he came back. He loved watching everyone else do their comedy he has no idea what they're going to put on the film for him that's great yep hennigan uh hennigan uh edited right yeah hennigan did the editing so i know he saved me and cut out as much fucking horror as possible but i didn't leave him a lot of tap dancing room. So I do have a link that I'm not going to look at until I start working on the shit for this tour

that's coming up in two days. So yeah, I'm probably working on that right now, going, oh, fuck, oh, shit. Oh, I stepped all over that. All right, let's close it out with Bird Cloud, and we'll see you on the road. bar when I was here before and the cashier lady looked me dead in the eye and said you're a lucky man

and in countries not as cool as this they would have chopped off your hand where is an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth humble bear if I have got a promise to And I pour an I and a two for a two I'm gonna verify God's honest truth You'll learn in life's lessons the hard way

Fast forward ten years later I was drunk as fuck Couldn't keep between the lines I read myed my truck, neighbor came, I yelled and found his bird fat. Waving round a firearm, here's my second event. And I went through desert score, where it was an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Humbleberry pie, God's honest truth, no. Learning life's lessons the hard way Well, I was 35, no longer a child Demonstrating my freedoms at the protester rally

They was all like, give them a cheer I was all like, gotta kiss, bitch, up and live Then it hit me Then it hit me Then it hit me Thank you. Don't have to be a 9.9, 10.2 I'm a better fighter, I'm stronger Learning my lesson from the heart Thank you.