The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #215: SwapCast with Sam Tripoli's Tin Foil Hat Podcast

Episode Date: July 7, 2017

Doug and Sam Tripoli (Tin Foil Hat Podcast) meet up at the Aloft in Syracuse, NY for a 4th of July SwapCast. Andy Andrist and Ggreg Chaille went along for the ride.Recorded July 4th, 2017 at the Aloft in Syracuse, NY with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Sam Tripoli (@samtripoli), Andy Andrist (@andyandrist), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by- Dollar Shave Club – New members get their 1st month of the Executive Razor with a tube of Dr. Carver's Shave Butter for only $5. Get this offer exclusively at DollarShaveClub.com/StanhopeClosing song, "Ding Dong", by Birdcloud. Check out Birdcloud on Twitter - @birdcloudusa and download their music from iTunes.LINKS:- Dollar Shave Club – www.DollarShaveClub.com/Stanhope- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, this is Doug Stanhope, and this is a Swapcast with Sam Tripoli's Tinfoil Hat podcast. We're Swapcasting together at the Aloft, which is a very trendy kind of hotel that wouldn't turn off the douchey, I don't even know what kind of music you call it in the background. So yeah, that's us sitting outside on the patio listening to douche music. Any kind of music that goes with, what's that kind of furniture, Chaley? Ikea. Ikea. It's Ikea music, and it's in the background, and it's us talking.

I don't know why Chaley made me intro this to excuse us sitting outside. I think we explained it, but fucking Chaley. Listen to Chaley during this podcast. He's probably a cunt. Okay, here's a podcast where Chaley's probably never a cunt, but he's a cunty right now. Click. Did I say click? No.

And we edit ours. Because we always do our podcast drunk. And you end up saying the wrong thing. And you go, oh, fuck, we got to get that out. Legal matter. Threats. Personal threats. Losing friends.

Does that happen? I've had one on. I was on their podcast where a guy threatened to murder my daughter. What? And I was going to go murder him. And then podcast where a guy threatened to murder my daughter. What? And I was going to go murder him. And then it all worked itself out. Eat the mic. We're on.

Oh, we're on. Oh, we're on? We're always on. When I say murder, I mean I was just going to take him out and yell at him. This is not legally binding. And then kill his corpse and get rid of it. Cut the first 30 seconds. We've only had to actually pull one episode.

That was the one right yeah the uh santa cruz uh-huh yeah we have one episode where we had i did a podcast called the international bad boys hour and it was just all storytelling i mean people come out and tell some awesome crazy stuff and this one chick came on she's kind of co-host she was just basically talking about how she loved coke and she was a hooker and then then as soon as she was done, she'd instantly beg us not to put it out. So that was probably the only time I haven't put out an episode. And we kicked her off the show. It's like you can't come on and give us all this great shit about all the hooking you've done

and then tell us we can't share it. That's gold. Hey, this is a Swapcast. It's the Doug Sthope Podcast and the... Tinfoil Hat Podcast with Sam Tripoli. And we have Greg Chaley and Andy Andrist doing color commentary and drink running. I guess I should have done that before. Yeah, let's...

No, I'll get that. Let's address the audio deal. It's 4th of July and we're on the patio at the hotel. A loft hotel. I always plug them. They have a special place in my heart. This is a great hotel. They're always the same, no matter where you go.

There are some nice ones, and then there's, I love your bit on the ratings of hotels. Very funny, dude. And then there's just some shitholes, mostly where I did meth. That's where i go oh really oh it's like really i mean when i used to party it started drinking then it got fucking coke and then for a short period it got fucking really crazy i mean i would go into like third world hotels yeah just doing drugs and then get kicked out because i was creeping everybody out you ever do more than one eight ball at a six?

You know what's so weird? It's like I would just do little bits, little bing, bing, bings, you know? I never really, like, I had friends of mine who went homeless and all. I was like, you know, you always say you're productive, a functional alcoholic. I was a functional drug addict. I could, like, get shit done. Did you get all your teeth nice and white? Yeah, still brush my teeth. Isn't that most of America?

I guess that is. Functional drug addicts? I'm really amazed at how many people are so proud of their meth abuse. My mom talks about it. She talks about mobile meth stations like they just got a Starbucks. They're like, she's so excited. My brother Larry, he did meth for 30 years. It's like war stories.

It's like, really? You're a hero of some sort? He just went around and stole kids' clothes out of dumpsters. Yeah, when you go deep into it, it gets really bad. But at some point, it's just basically like they worked out the kinks of cocaine. Like everything you hate about coke is gone. With meth? Yeah.

And then it's like that's the first couple times. And then it's just like, okay. I smoked crack once in my life, and the whole time I smoked crack, I was just like, I'm smoking crack, dude. I'm smoking fucking crack, dude. That was funny. We did a show last night here at the Funny Bone in Samson Town. He headlined the club last week, and you're here because you grew up here,

so you stayed late. Did a set last night or yeah about smoking my mom too and i never get to watch like you're one of my favorites and i never get to watch anybody do sets so you're either on the road or you're you can't get out of the comedy club quick enough you know so it was fun to watch you you work last night but you did a story about smoking crack you go i couldn't really do this last week because my mom came to every show. Every show.

And she heard all the coke jokes, and I did jokes about her snatch. But I feel like smoking crack and a guy trying to suck your dick might be a little too much for your mother. That's why I kind of run the lot. It is one of those things where when you're in front of a Stanhope crowd,

there is a license to do something that you probably couldn't do during the week. Whether your mom's there or not, you can actually unleash and do things. We've had that where – Well, it's actually less of a license and more of a must. Yeah. You must tell that story. At gunpoint. It's almost expected that anything like that's going to happen.

And when it does, no one's really shocked. I think if you actually went on to normal material, they might stare at you like, I know where you are. I always feel like I've got to come up with horrible things in my life before I can work with Doug. I'm not doing shitty enough stuff. I've got to go commit some war crimes. Is there a lot of research in that for you, Andy? Yeah.

How much time you spent it must be two seconds three seconds two three seconds a month you came up with one right when you got into the car tonight what's that material contest with the kid on the plane i mean oh right you always have an interesting story i know i do yeah that's the thing i never feel like i have any fucking material when i hit a stage and then i go oh i just got in a fart contest with some kid and then well that's kind of material that's what people do and then I go, oh, I just got in a fart contest with some kid and then, well, that's kind of material. That's what people do and then they go back and they go, well, it was funny about that and let's

make it even funnier. And I just, you know, fuck that little ginger. You don't fuck with a guy who's 52 years old when it comes to bowels. Winner. I'm so tired of winning. Andy and Sam were just talking about how they could fucking destroy bathrooms.

I mean, bathrooms, airplanes. Yeah, I got challenged by a little kid. I had two kids that weren't mine sitting by me on the plane. And then I noticed one was cheesing out some gas. And then the brother that was in the middle seat put his head down to smell his brother's ass. And then he would check it against mine to see what was going on over there, to see who it was. Was this all nonverbal communication? Yeah, it's all nonverbal.

He kept kicking me with his croc, so I'm like, dude, I'm going to take your shoe and put it in the toilet if you do that again. So we had some communication, but yeah, the fart thing just started silently and ended with a racket. But, yeah, the fart thing just started silently and ended with a racket. Sam and I, let's get to the beginning. We're, I think, two of three comedians that ever came out of Vegas. Yeah, who are the three?

Shuley from the Stern Show. Oh, yeah, Shuley. And then Joe Coy was. He's from there, too. But he was in a different kind of group. He like kind of moved quickly and went. Because when I started, which was just after when you started, the local comedy clubs wouldn't let us play there.

At least they didn't let me. It was like very. The strip would all, even their fucking MCs, they'd bring them in from L.A. So we had to be street kids and go into bars. And you had just left. You'd realized you've got to get out of here. And then I had started. And when I started, there was one open mic every other week. I remember that.

You had to go, like, deep in Flamingo or Durango or some weird place like that. I remember when I first met you, I came in like I was some fucking king of Las Vegas because I had moved and now i was getting 125 a night i'm gonna walk back there like i remember it too i remember exactly where you ran the open mic right i started my own open mic because everyone was always like oh new york city congress get up like 47 times a night and i'm like oh i gotta get up more so i just would find all these empty bars be like what's your slow night give me a night and i would every night i would be running my own show and you came over to a show at the wet stop

which was across the street from the uh unlv on maryland parkway wow and you came and i still remember where you're sitting and you were somewhat heckling me a little bit and i'm like dude we cool and then for some reason it just got really cool right and then it was always been really nice man you know so you always would come in and do a little stage time we were i was such a street kid i had no clue how to play comedy clubs i was just a straight up vegas bar comic when i moved to la and like i had to learn how to play clubs. And it's a totally different animal. Yeah, well, you didn't even, in Vegas when we started, because you have no interaction with professional comedians. It was open mic, and then there was the strip that wouldn't touch you.

Yes. So maybe you could sneak in or buy a ticket to see professional comics, but they're not talking to you. You're not hanging out with them. And it was just like, it was like such a different time for comedy too like when you look at like what you were doing last night compared to what was like i started in a generation where everybody wanted to be seinfeld and it was all like you know what's up with ice cream and like and you're like i don't want to talk about this shit i want to talk about you know all the chaos going in my life and so it was impossible to get into those rooms so we just developed in like this we i'm you know we're like

we were like that japanese guy that got lost in the island and felt like world war ii was going on for like 50 years oh guam yeah we just we were living by our own rules and making our own rules of comedy and like trying to figure out what was going. I remember the open mic, it was the Escape Lounge 2, and now it's the one I did my 25-year anniversary at the Dive Bar. I'm so pissed I missed that. Oh, that's right. You had just left town the night before or something. I had a gig that night.

I would have canceled it if I could have. But the guy that ran it, Scrawnyy Ronnie he was going to make it a big deal he was always going to make everything a big deal he's like a fat creamer from Seinfeld so he's getting someone from the RIV to come down between shows

for our open mic and he got Geechee Guy where he said he's going to pay someone so we're going to be Geechee Guy came where he said he's going to pay someone, so we're going to be... Geechee Guy came down, got heckled, and said, I don't come down to where you work and unplug the Slurpee machine. The back of the room fell out. The comics had never even heard the hackiest fucking heckler retort, because they're so removed from regular comedy.

It's just a whole foreign thing, dude. Like, living in the wild. And within two weeks, everyone had a version of that. And then they would always bring them down and it was just, and it was like, I still this day remember Bruce Baum. I don't know if you're cool with him, but that dude cut my time, my first weekend

ever playing a comedy club. What was the club? It was the Riviera. Oh, right. Yeah. Sharippa. Yeah. He let me open for Nick DiPaolo, and then he asked me to bring me back like a week later, and that was a huge deal. I remember that because they weren't letting anybody go up anywhere. Was it the Dirty Show?

Yeah. The Dirty Show. Yeah. Nick DiPaolo was with this gorgeous blonde and just fighting with her the whole fucking time. Yeah, that happens. I think that's his wife, yeah. And then, I don't know if they got married, but then he had some of the funniest fucking jokes. And it was like this guy

doing real, like, it was such structured material that I'd never seen before. Like, really structured shit. And he had this great bit about, why is there a Hooters in Vegas where you can pay a chick five bucks of shit on your face? You know, it's like, the whole time I always wondered that. bit about why is there a Hooters in Vegas where you could pay a chick five bucks a shit on your face? You know, it's like, I've been wondering that. Why are there Hooters in Las Vegas, man?

And I never understood structure. So it took a long time for me to learn structure because we were just teaching ourselves. Yeah. And you had to leave to get stuff. You had to actually teach yourself once you got out of there to go, oh, don't do that. Yeah, that's not good. A relearn. What do they call that with cults where they have to deprogram?

Deprogram, yeah. And then I would just hear stories about you. And I kind of borrowed, in my opinion, was this kind of attitude was like, okay, oh, you want me to go do this fucked up shit? I'll go try it just to see if I can get a minute out of it, you know, because I would hear these stories about you. And, you know, I remember these two guys show up, and they were just hanging out. It's like, oh, dude, you know Doug Samuel?

Yeah, he's fucking great. He goes, oh, dude, he just came to our job. We do gay phone sex. And he just, like, dropped ass and did gay phone sex. And I was like. Mushrooms. I was like, holy fuck. Rob, we do gay phone sex. And he just dropped acid and did gay phone sex. Mushrooms. I was like, holy fuck. And then I heard you do the whole bit on it, and it was so fucking funny.

And I'm like, the amount of balls it would take to go fucking drop acid and do gay phone sex. It was mushrooms. This story's in the new book coming out. Ralphie May dropped me off. Is that the coaching horses? I'm not giving it away. It's in the fucking new book. I'm Ralphie May, Drop Me Off, Zab the Coaching Horses. I'm not giving it away. It's in the fucking new book. I'm not telling you. Available when?

October 31st, but you can preorder now on Amazon.com. So what number book is this? Two. Damn, that's amazing. But yeah, this one's just like the fucking road stories like that. Or not road stories, comedy stories. But when the audio book goes out, you want to do kind of like what we're doing here. You want to talk to people from the book where they just swap stories about incidents in the book.

Yeah, the last audio book, anyone that I could get that was in the book, we'd just cut at some point in the book when they're mentioned. And then, because my memory is dog shit. Yeah. when they're mentioned and then because my memory is dog shit. Yeah. So, and then we'll have like a brief mini podcast in the audio book.

But this one, I can't wait because It worked well on that one. So this one has way more people. I got to get Dan Tosh. Dan Tosh is in two different stories where I'll fucking nail him down. I'll make him do it. It's not a podcast.

Just tell your version of the story. I'll tell mine. Go to him and his Malibu place. Yeah. His drug lord fucking house he lives in. I can imagine. I went to Dane Cook's drug lord fucking place. Oh, really?

Holy fuck, dude. Who owned this? Pablo Escobar before you? Yeah. Was his brother there when you knocked on the door? Probably not. Just running out of bags. This is not Dane's house anymore.

If he got properly churned out in Vegas, you might have that house. Yeah, that's so true. Take all those edges off. Do some voices. Just repeat the same thing over and over. Where do you see yourself in five years? I'm walking. I'm just walking.

I'm just walking. I'm walking. Just walking. Oh, my God, he's walking. He's so good. Yeah. Well, the thing was we were going to go to talk to him about being part of this Dublin's doc we were going to do about the famous Dublin's comedy show.

I'm sorry. Is this the one down on the boulevard? Yeah. I don't mean to be cut, but I was doing double whiskey splash of Coke. She puts so much fucking lemon juice in this that I'm getting acid reflux. The drink that you handed me,

the empty drink, did not have whiskey Coke in there. Yeah, it did. It was like. Well, I drained it. I'm sorry. My belly hurts. Can I get a different drink?

I'll get you something. But you just handed. Can I get my. I need more whiskey and less vodka lemon. I have diverticulosis. So when I get to. It just kicked right in and then it sticks in my throat. So what am I getting you here?

Double whiskey splash of Coke. Double whiskey splash of Coke. Double whiskey splash of Coke. Yeah. Don't worry, Andy will drink that. No, I'm going to take this and throw it in her face like we usually do when someone makes it. I'm going on six months of sobriety. I'll drink that. What?

Well, I was... Anyone else? Yeah, I got busted some, but... That's right. I forgot you can't drink because he has his own story we'll get to that on yeah we well me too brother together we're not drinking tonight this is a swab cast we'll get to andy later like a kumbaya this is a teaser sir that's why i was trying to get i stopped doing drugs like you i i got to a point in my life uh where i just got pulled over and arrested too much i get

that i was like fuck it and i'm gonna take a break i respect the fuck up yeah you know you're doing great i didn't even know you're a fuck up well dude to be honest with you i had five years then i went out a little while and now i'm back up to like six 60 days so but the last one was off just smoking weed and they realized i don't like weed yeah yeah i was like oh man everybody's doing it's basically going on i never realized i'm a go fast guy i like to go fast i like you know because going fast always involves sex i like the reason i love coke and the reason i was doing coke all the time at the comic store because they were just chicks hanging out they were they were comedians but they were just hanging out for the free blow and the and the and the fucking...

So you don't have a drug problem? I have a drug and sex. They're like tag team champions. The only time I'm ever interested in sex is if I'm doing fucking uppers. Right? And girls just let you treat them like fleshlights. They just let you light them up because they're like, I'm not hungry. I'm not feeling hungry.

You can do whatever you want. They just gack out on it. Grab them by the pussy? Yeah, they just don't give a shit. Here's some blow, and you can finger blast them. They don't care. You can do whatever you want. Is this an excerpt from Bill Cosby's book?

I can't wait to run. I can't wait to run for president and just have them play this. Yeah, there's nothing off the table. My whole thing is I want to be as brutally honest. I'm not even close to Doug's level, but I just have this fear I'm going to get blackmailed at some point. Someone's going to try to blackmail me, and they'll be like, well, we're going to tell everybody this. I'm like, it's on my second album. Oh, fuck.

Yeah, I get to that point. Initially, you come out first with the story. You tell it, and then no one's interested. I mean, if you make it funny, but no one can go, oh, yeah, no, I said it first. You didn't catch me. Yeah, what if we let everybody know you do this? It's like, well, I've already let them know. They all came to my show at the Funny Bones at the Destiny Ball. And they heard that.

But I've found myself retreating for a couple of reasons where you get to a certain age where people are involved in the story. You can't mention their names without mentioning. That happened to me at the Comedy Store podcast I was talking about. There was a certain girl at a certain time who basically ushered cocaine back into the Comedy Store. And I called it the blah, blah, blah era, which was her name. And she tried to get legal stuff going on. And so it's like, okay, so I can't ever mention their names. But, yeah, I mean, like, so all my stories involve somebody crazy. And there's just, like, I'm slowly getting more and more honest with what I'm talking about on stage.

Because I'm in my mid-40s. What am I hiding about anymore, you know? There's a difference between you being honest and you not, like, making yourself culpable for getting someone arrested. Right, right. I mean, you not saying someone's name, that doesn't take the honesty out of the story. That's just self-preservation. No, I get you. I got you.

Like, I talk about how I almost got molested twice. Almost? Yeah. And the whole point is I did because I'm a grower, not a shower. You know what I'm saying? It's those banana dick kids you got to fucking keep your eye on. kids, you got to fucking keep your eye on. But it was two guys, and one was Father Dan,

and the other guy was Mr. Watts. And my mom asked me not to say his full name, but I'm like, he got convicted. Mr. Watts me dress. Was Mr. Watts going to show up and command me? Mr. Watts me shower. Yeah, but literally, like, we were playing college. We were playing high school sports, and we were like in seventh, eighth grade.

Mr. Watts would come in and shower with us and be like, okay, talk about the game. We're like, this is incredibly inappropriate. Why are you in the showers with us? And I talk about it on stage. In my book, the first book, I talked about a gym teacher that was obviously, and he would linger in the showers. And I didn't ever shower because I lived across the street. You don't now. I assume that's where it came from.

Yeah, you don't have to qualify. Why do you get a shower every day? You don't. I had showers after gym class, and Mr. Prince, they made me fucking, I don't, they might have made me take that whole piece out of the book. I remember they had a big issue. The legal on the book was so fucking hardcore. Was the guy ever convicted? No, I have no idea.

But I remember the last day of school when I was moving anyway, I called him fake. I named my high school date who left me a prom and went and fucked a 10th grader. I talk about that on stage. It's like, my friend's like, you name her? I'm like, yeah, she knows she did it. It's called revenge, motherfucker. I dated you because I thought you were going to fuck me at prom. I didn't ask to fucking

skank out because I wanted a fucking pretty woman. I asked you because I thought you were going to fuck me and you went home and fucked a 10th grader. It's like, go fuck yourself. Karma's a bitch. That's what, when you hear the phrase, I think you're pretty, it means I want to fuck you. That's it. It doesn't mean I like anything about you.

It's just, you're pretty. The two girls asked me to Cotillion. One was my friend, one was her. The second one was the biggest slut in school. I thought I was going to fuck her. Didn't happen. Doesn't problem. I'm like, I'm banging a fucking whore. Which one is available? At Cotillion? Is that what they teach you there?

Yeah, Cotillion. Where the girls ask the guys. When did you move to Vegas? I moved in 91. How old were you? I was 18. Because your family's still here, so you just moved on your own. Yeah, I moved on.

A minute. Okay, when I was young, my dad would just brainwash me into getting out of upstate New York. You got to get out of here. You got to move to Vegas. It's too late for me. Save yourself. My dad's whole life is he is now living like a college kid in Prescott, Arizona. Him, his black girlfriend, and they just sit at casinos all day.

Your dad's De Niro? Yeah, basically. And he just gambles all day. So he's kind of living the life he wanted to. He's from that age where you had to get married right out the gate. Or else you were gay. If you didn't get married by like 19, you were a momo, right? And he got married to my mom.

Both of them were miserable. My mom literally, I remember driving to my grandparents' house. And my mom would, which is a four-hour drive. It should be a two-hour drive and my mom would, which is a four-hour drive. It should be a two-hour drive. My mom driving, it's a four-hour drive. And she would drive like this. With her elbow up beside. So she couldn't see my father.

She didn't want to look at my dad. And we're like, Mom, do you have a condition? She's like, no, we're just blocking fucking looking at my old man. Love only works when you figure it out. I can't fucking stare at this cunt again. Yeah. Maybe if I look at my elbow all the time, I can get another year in. That was because it was right before just everybody.

It was kind of when people still didn't get divorced. It was just the beginning of everybody like, I'm fucking out. Like Hallmark exists in that. How old are you? I'm in my 40s, late 40s, mid 40s, mid 40s. Late. Mid early. 47. Let's not go too crazy 40s, late 40s, mid 40s, mid 40s. Late. Mid early. 47.

Let's not go too crazy. No, 44. Oh, that's weird. My mother divorced my dad because it was cool at the time. That divorce was the thing and she admitted that. Yeah. And it's like most divorces are done by women. Women do 75% of the voice because they're like, and I get half the shit?

Why not? Why wouldn't I get the fuck out of here? But then it wasn't. And it's very interesting because you ever think about your childhood and how it affects your stand-up? No. Like for me, like I listen to, you know Theo Vaughn? You ever listen to Theo Vaughn?

Yeah, I know Theo. Well, I listen to him. We were talking one day. He was telling me about how as a kid he hated his life. So he'd just make up stories to tell people. And now he's like this insane storyteller to the point where you always go is that a real story then you realize it could be a fake fuck me and my friends we just we stopped fighting we just started ripping each other new assholes like there's

this pizzeria called pontillos and if you sat in the wrong booth you would just get verbally assaulted nightly and you just learned how to get fast with it. And you had to learn how to start fucking slicing and dicing people. And that's why I'm really good at, like, crowd work and shit like that because that got my ass handed to me for so long as a kid. And then I remember the first time in Vegas where I killed a heckler and it was just like, oh! You know, it's like, this is what I'm supposed to do. Yeah, the problem is once you do that, that's all the crowd wants.

They get bloodlust, mob mentality, and they want more. They don't want you to go back to that story about the time that you missed your Greyhound bus. No, dude, kill me. Talk about this fucker, dude. Yeah. So, yeah, I moved out of Vegas in 91. I wanted to be a stand-up since I remembered. And then I just.

Why Vegas? Okay, because my dad just convinced me that I should move to Vegas. And little did I know, it was a ploy so he could buy a house for me to rent out. And they could write off on his taxes that he had to go to Vegas all the time. And you were 18. I was 18. And then I'm Armenian, so Jerry Tarkanian was the coach, and he was like, he's the greatest Armenian ever

to live in the history of time. I lived there then. So I was like, I'm going to Vegas. And it was the best time. I showed up, I had hair down the hair, and it was the best. It was the best time. Vegas was a great time.

I had just left. I left in March of 90, 90 i think why'd you leave chasing a girl to phoenix oh is that where you went to phoenix yeah i was in love so i moved i'd done comedy for six months oh no 91 sorry yeah march of 91 because i started in uh august of 90 and i left in March of 91, because I started in August of 90, and I left in March of 91 to chase this girl, and I got a house MC gig at a moribund comedy club for six months before it died. Up in Phoenix? In Phoenix, yeah. You were already well-known, though.

I feel like you came out fucking well. In Vegas Open, Mike. Yeah, but you were a legend back then. You and one other guy. Do you remember the other guy? Two of you had started it. Rob Rock was the other guy. Rob Rock.

Who eventually came out that it was almost all his stuff he stole. I remember he was putting together an album or something. And I only saw him perform once. I never saw him perform ever again. Yeah, he... put together several albums. Yeah, he came out that he had stolen everything he did, but he got pussy. That's the only reason we were in the game. That's why he started, right?

Even if you steal pussy, there's no way to get it back. Once you own it, it's yours. It was so much fun doing stand-up in comedy. How long did you do stand-up there before you left? I think three or four years. And then I basically had my own show on the Vegas Strip at what was then the Holiday Inn. Do you remember the Holiday Inn that was on Vegas Strip?

It had the giant roller. It was like such garbage. But they gave me my own show and we were so filthy that they freaked out after like three weeks so they're like you gotta go but i had my own show there and then i was in an improv troupe called the mutiny and we had uh basically had we were in all the boulder casinos every night we'd be doing a different Boulder casino, getting paid $100 a show. That time, that's fuck you money when you start, right? And then I started doing a couple things with Sharippa, and after that, I was like, oh, I did it now. For the listener, and this actually came up in an interview,

and I think it's in the new book, but Sharippa, he was, what was his character? It was a big pussy. Bobby Balaclava or something like that. Like one of the first lieutenants on... He plays a dumbered, a dullard on The Sopranos.

Yeah, but he was one of his Tony's main guys. But he ran the Riviera Club like he was, you thought he was the fucking mob. Yeah. And his famous quote is, you're doing seven minutes. Not 701, not 699. Seven.

You know, it's so weird. But when you, that Triple X show that you did for him, that's where I, like, he would slap me in the face. I came off a triple run when I, like, now I'm getting booked. And they finally booked me for a regular show. And I did some shit that killed in Butte, Montana at the Copper King. About my puppy going into heat in the car. It's just, like, shit that, and I'm doing it at the RIV, and he fucking slapped me in the face.

You don't do that fucking puppy bleeding pussy shit in my fucking club. And then years later when he's doing that triple X, he's like, instead of you're doing seven knots, 701, 699, he goes, this is triple X rated. You don't say pussy, you say cunt. Has the comedy changed? Just think about how the rules were

and what you had to do to do your type of comedy. Now it's just like you sold out the fucking funny bone in Syracuse, New York. It's such a different fucking time. Now I've done 26 years of this, so I have my own audience that I could not offend

unless I got sober or found Jesus. The only way I could lose them. But people ask me, hey, how has comedy changed? Because I hear, oh, you can't. But you still do spots at the comedy store for regular people. I refuse to do. I only do comedy when I'm getting paid by my audience that knows what they.

And that's a beautiful thing, dude. I would love to. I don't know. I'm just a stage whore, dude. It's like the night before. I did an hour on every night for like six seven nights that there were like four nights in a row at the funny i love doing stand-up i just love talking shit i love to see how far i can go with these crowds and if i don't walk a couple crowds a

couple tables i don't feel like i did my job i don't even like doing i don't feel like I did my job. I don't even like doing, I don't even like talking at all, much less on stage. Every time I, but it's made me appreciate comedy more. When I go to L.A., I'll watch shows. I'll laugh at people that I would usually excoriate when I lived there. That's not, you know, it's derivative of this and that. Now I actually enjoy comedy because I don't see it. Yeah, well that's why I wanted to come watch you is because I don't get to watch a lot of

people that, my friends and just people I look up to do it all. Like beginning to end is a luxury. I've seen you do 10 minutes, that's great. But when you can actually sit and watch an entire set and watch like how it works, why it works, what works. Yeah, yeah.

How do you do that? And having known the crowd the week before, what that area is like. But that's also, if I have to, if I say, oh, yeah, I'll do a 10-minute spot. First of all, I don't have 10 minutes. I have a bit that's 22 minutes no that's great i don't know how to cut it out but if if i'm gonna do a set i'm gonna be in my head about what am i gonna say i'm not watching the show so i'd rather just watch the show hang out i get that but i also like putting shows together at the comedy store where it's like oh doug's gonna be inside so doug's

gonna be in town then rogan's gonna be in town town. Then Rogan's going to be in town. Then Chrysler's going to be in town. Let's do a show where everybody can just get up there and talk a lot of shit and have a lot of fun. I love doing those too. Well, last night, I forgot to mention it. Last night's show was three people that were on the best podcast that ever happened. Yeah, I am so thankful you two asked me to go on that.

I really didn't expect that, and I was sitting in the back. I was just three out of my four favorite guys, you, Rogan, Bill Burr were there. The only one that I would – if David Tell was there, my head would have exploded. But that's like my favorite four. And then to be able to get asked out to go there, and for the first hour, I'm just like a kid with, like, leukemia who just won a radio contest and just, you know, just sitting there who just won a radio contest and just you know just sit there keep running you know nobody tackles you keep running yeah you know and i'm

just like watching all this and it was like i don't know if you'll ever have a podcast that will hit so well because of what was going on that night nobody expected that no for this chick to just flame out and not win and it's just like everybody in there's all your guys's fucking fans and like to have you guys talking them through this insane moment in this country was it'll never be like live updates marilyn manson backstage i just wanted to find out if condoms were going to be necessary. That was really my biggest thing. The night before, bingo, you know, air flight out. Unbelievable. You know? I have so many back stories. No memory of...

I remember fucking having to bail into the shower. Somehow they have a shower in the back of the green room. A girl peed on me, or tried to pee on me in that shower one time. We had a running bet with this chick that she wouldn't pee on me. She'd go, I'll pee on you.

It started getting some weird deer hunter thing. What? She couldn't make product. She tried. Well, it's a funny story, actually. Isn't it easy to fake peeing in a shower? Well, we didn't turn on the shower. We were just laying down.

You know what? I was waiting for when Andy was about to go on a tangent so I could pee. But since you brought it up, we do have to take a break anyway. Yeah, this break is sponsored by urine. Diddle. We'll get back to the pee story right after these messages. Greg Chaley, big fan of Dollar Shave Club. We're not beardy people like the Glenn Wools and the Brendan Walshes of the world.

No, we shave like gentlemen. Like gentlemen. Be a gentleman. Get ready for the show. Yeah, absolutely. Shave is part of it. It's kind of like our suits. We suit up for a show because if they came to see a show, they don't want to see some douchebag in a T-shirt with a beard,

some kind of ironic journey T-shirt. No, they want to see someone shaved up and shower well-dressed shined no showered necessarily i can't back you up on that they're not gonna smell you from that distance tell me about dollar shave club because chaley you have a a history I just looked it up. I became a member of Dollar Shave Club on October 8, 2012. When you say member, do you guys meet up like every third Saturday? Yeah, it's kind of like we do poker rallies. How does Dollar Shave Club work? Do they know when you need to shave?

Actually, what they do is they are available to send you what you need to shave. And the beauty is there's no hidden costs and there's no commitments. You can just put it on hold at any time. Say, like, you want to grow out a little stubble. You want to try that for a while. You want to attack her beaver with a vengeance that makes her dump you so you don't have to feel

the pressure of dumping her. You can grow out some stubble. I don't know how it works. Dollar Shave Club, it's the smart choice. Get a great shave at a great price. And they got a really good deal right now. For a limited time, get your first month with the Executive Razor.

That's the highest level. That's the highest package. 17 blades. I think it's six. It's too many for me. I have the four blades. I have my issues with too many blades, but you can choose. You go all the way down to two blades.

But for a limited time, they've got a first month. You get the executive razor with a tube, three ounce tube of Dr. Carver's shave butter, which I've used that for a couple of years now. And for only five bucks, plus free shipping. I used to use Annalise. Now I use Dr. Pud's fudge butter. You mean Dr. Carver's shave butter. You haven't used it yet. I use it. Pud's fudge butter you mean Dr. Carver's shaved butter you haven't used it yet I use it

I used it the wrong way is what I'm saying I was in a tight spot in a pickle did you just make that sound effect with your mouth you wanted a tight spot sound that's what the red light was for. I thought you actually hit a button.

I'm like, there's no button here. Go ahead. It's a $15 value. It's always free shipping, and you're going to get that first month with the executive razors. It's four cartridges, and the three ounces of Dr. Carver's shave butter

for only five bucks. And Dr. Carver's shave butter is really good. It's really smooth on the skin, and it's clear. So you can see the beard that you're shaving. A lot of times, shaving cream, it's the foam, you know, those ones we've seen forever, and you can't see if you want to carve a dollar sign.

Or an L.A. Clippers logo. There you go. How can you do that if you've got a big, thick, white beard? I don't know, but I know you just said the word that my audience will appreciate only five bucks. Yeah. Even my audience has five bucks. And like I said before, no commitments.

You can put it on hold at any time you can cancel at any time there's no hidden fees and the replacement cartridges come each month or you can go every other month isis and they go no you have to grow that shit out there's no commitment you can't go oh i joined dollar shave club but i also want to join isis where i need a beard because it's a muslim thing no no you can just pick one way or the other put it on hold maybe you don't know if this muslim thing's gonna work out right maybe the town is being overrun by american patriots and now you need to shave yep that. Now you turn it back on. Yeah, that's when you go to the seven blades because you're going to need all of them to get rid of that fuzz.

Yeah, that's thick. You made a bad decision. You know what? Sometimes the only way out of ISIS is Dollar Shave Club. I'll tell you what. You can't make a bad decision with going with Dollar Shave Club. You can only get this exclusive offer at dollarshaveclub.com slash Stanhope. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash Stanhope.

Slash Stanhope. It's your only way out of ISIS. Dollar Shave Club. It's a smarter choice. All right. Red light's on. Red light is on. Red light on. Red light go, kids.

Go. We pissed. We got a new round of drinks for me and Jaylee. And I broke up a conversation between Sam Tripoli and Andy Andrist. Someone had to do some interview. I think it was playboy.com where I had to do press for the last CISO special with Murphy and Glenn Wool and Brendan Walsh. I did playboy.com and AOL. Really? Am I doing a Radio Shack in store? Yeah. AOL. AOL like a lot like really am I doing a radio shack

in store yeah AOL AOL AOL build is a new product they've got

a new what product but it's Playboy and AOL two defunct anyway the point is that

someone said well you know why do LA comics get all this shit uh and new york comics and i like i didn't even know this is a thing but that's this is what i walked into well there's always been an la comics versus new york comics and i've you know my problem is i've always been at the comedy store which has been its own kind of like mecca dojo, you know, of certain things. Now it's like an insane asylum of the lineups. Oh, it's fucking great.

It's awesome. Unbelievable. It's awesome. Like, I get to go and be part of these insane lineups, you know. But I got to go out and do New York a little bit because everyone's always telling me to go out there. And I was like, okay, I'm going to play the Funny Bone and then Skank Fest. It's happening the week before. I'll go out and do Skank Fest and have fun.

And I got to gig out there, and it was like death squad shows with Skank Fest, Legion of Skank fans. So it was a ton of fun. But I was watching the comedy, and someone told me a quote that Duncan Trussell had that I thought really was pretty pinpoint accurate, and that the difference between L.A. comics and New York comics is, like, New York City comics tend to be, like, counterculture more, whereas L.A. comics are conformists. They can't conform quick enough. They're just begging to conform. conformists they can't conform quick enough they're just begging to conform like it's the la comics who are just always outraged about everything just hoping to get a couple extra

twitter followers are going or you know it's like whatever like some chick snitches on some guy that was like hey you want to fuck she's like no and he's like fuck you pig and then she screenshots it and puts it everywhere and then everyone's outraged that a guy was mean to a chick. And they're the quickest ones. And all the dudes who are mean to chicks shit on that guy who is mean to a chick. Like, dude, how could you do that? How could you do that? Because they're just trying to get more pussy.

And then these are the guys that I know are known for filming chicks sucking their dick when girls don't know that. Or they got restraining orders out against them by their ex-girlfriends but they're like yelling and screaming on the internet demanding women guys respect women respect them all in the hopes that maybe some shadow grouping of of gay guys who run hollywood will fucking give them an audition on a tv show or some fucking shit like that they can't conform quick enough and what i've noticed noticed, I'm not there a lot because it's a fucking living, breathing cancer, the LA. Dude, I think about leaving all the time. I'll miss the store.

Yeah. The store is unbelievable. Firing all cylinders. I got into comedy right when comedy died in 1990 after the 80s boom, and I left when it's just having even bigger than it was. Rogan and Dom Moreira were both from Dom even more than Joe, but they both kind of have one foot in one era, one foot in this new era, and they say this one's way better than that old one.

It's fantastic. It's great, man, and there's so many outlets now, but I just love being in New York and you can't say, I mean, and the reason I think that New York is better than L.A. in terms of comedy is because everybody lives on top of each other in New York. In L.A., when you really look at it, it's so segregated.

Rich Jews over here, Mexicans over here, blacks over here, you know, gay guys here, whatever it is. Nobody's interacting with each other, so they get all offended because they're not on top, and they don't realize everybody's assholes, and they should all get ripped new assholes. You know what I'm saying? That's my biz.

Everybody should have to work at Denny's for two years. And then at the end of it, there would really have, there would be no political correctness. It's like service. Because we would all equally hate each other. Like service in the Israeli army. Yeah. But for here, it would just be Denny's. Yeah.

You have to work the graveyard two years and have the universe shit on your chest. Everybody understands what hash browns are. Yeah. Right? And then we can go on from there. Yeah. We can be like, black people don't tip. And everyone's like, they don't.

They really don't. They really don't. They really don't. And no one would get offended. When I go there, I'm always just so happy to be around comedians. I don't want to do a set. I want to hang out. You're talking about the store. The store.

When you go to the store now, it's fucking booming. We did a couple of... Did we talk about this on a podcast, or did I talk about this? We've talked about it a couple of times. We're fucking with Chris Rock and Dave Spade, and I'd already taken my Xanax. All right. I've already told that story. Yeah.

That was the Morgan Murphy. Is this leading into the Andy Dick situation? Yeah. That was explained. I ended up making out with Andy Dick. You made out with Andy Dick? Yeah, a couple weeks ago. Just happens.

Well, he didn't fucking know who I was. I didn't like that. It was biting. That was less making out and more biting. Did he know who anybody was at that point? He gets blacked out crazy. No, I was the one. I wasn't going there.

I was going down the hill to get cigarettes, and I well if i have to go down this hill i might as well go two blocks up to the comedy store even though i already took my xanax and uh i only take it to sleep and then i don't remember shit but i remembered that especially after seeing all the pictures. So I was doing this charity. I went, ew, like it was the Lemon Club. Ew. Oh, Lemon Party. Jesus. Lemon Party.

Yeah, those are pictures we got last night. Remember that old fuck that came to two shows in a row? Don't ever fucking come to two of my shows in a row, you fat assholes. Oh, you hate that. I know. I know. You hate it? Yeah.

They see behind the curtain of comedy where it's the same shit. But there's still pain and they just want to watch. But I'll tell you what happens. If they tell me at the merch booth, hey, I'm going to the show tomorrow. And I go, alright. Let me fill you in, buddy.

Don't brag that to Doug at the merch booth tonight because I know that's what you want to do. That's why you're running it by me. I'm saying buy your T-shirt or don't buy your T-shirt, but don't tell him that because he will make an example. And then the next night, tell him I was at last night's show, too. And then he can't do anything because he's incensed on that. And they don't understand why. But it's just a thing that fucks with your head. Only like hot dumb chicks think that you are making up as you're going.

It's like, oh, you said the same thing. Oh, my God. I can't believe I let you. She's on my tits. Hot dumb chicks are the first people to walk out on their boyfriend who will stay. Yeah. That's a sure sign you've got to break up. You want to know if a girl's good?

Bring her to a Doug Stanhope show. If she laughs, that's a keeper. I've had so many people over the years, hey, I played your DVD special, whatever, for her just to see. If she didn't laugh, she's fucking out of here. You've got to go. And I've had a couple of chicks tell me that, which is random, but very fulfilling.

That, yeah, he's going to like you before I will. Yeah, it's kind of like if my dog doesn't like you, I'm not going to have a second date. Well, who was I dating? My buddy's like, yeah, my girlfriend likes to say the N-word a lot in jokes. He's like, it really offends me. I'm like, why? It's a joke if you guys are just hanging out i mean like if she's going around calling people that that might be a

problem but if you're having sex and she's dropping n-bombs on you that's a keeper fuck me you narcissist yeah fuck me you nagger that whole we goofed on it earlier, the Donald Trump thing. It was just locker room talk. And you go, well, you should get in a green room. Because your locker room talk is pretty fucking weak. Yeah. If all it is is grab him by the pussy. Yeah, in a fucking green room with.

Hilarious premise, but where do you go with it? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. with hilarious premise, but where do you go with it? I hate when people attack Trump for the wrong reasons. I cannot agree with that. I do this thing called twerking in politics because I think it's like

the most vapid form of entertainment is twerking. These girls who make hundreds of thousands of dollars just smacking their ass cheeks. I rip their videos from Instagram and I put political messages over them. Right. Because I just think it's it's just idiocracy. But it's like there's real reasons to hate Trump. This Russian shit is not one of them. You're making shit up.

You're and that's how you know the media is all in on it. Because they're going after net neutrality. That is way worse than fucking everybody taking bribes from the Russians, which is what's true. I did a bit when Bush was running for office. I don't know, the first time or the second time. Had to be junior. Yeah, Bush junior. The latest one. He got a DUI and died in 1972. October Surprise, it was a big deal.

They held that one out until October. Yeah, when this happened. For my fans, yeah, half of you had a fucking DUI. You're not focusing on... And it's us. Yeah. Comedians that are like, come on, don't throw fucking stones at glass houses or whatever. Yeah.

One hundred percent. I see people going off on the CNN video that Trump put out. These comics like I cannot believe he's going at the press like that. Dude, it's CNN. They're fucking assholes. Why do you give a fuck? I've switched to Fox News, and that doesn't work.

And then I just go to Headline News, where that over-bright fucking white teeth Robin Mead girl, she has the fucking super bright teeth. I just want the newser. I want the USA Today of news. Give me the beats. I don't want a panel of nine people shouting over each other.

I want you to tell me what you think, what I should be thinking. Yeah. What I've learned, just watch the fucking ABC, CBS, NBC, 6 o'clock news like your dad did when he was watching fucking Cronkite. Get 30 minutes. I saw last night the 70s, that CNN thing. And then Cronkite came up, and they were reporting about the Vietnam War. And I was like, that was when it was like,

that was just the facts, man. Yeah. Like, no Friday, just the facts. And it's so different because when you're doing CNN or you're doing entertainment television, which is for news, they have to fill. So they're going to run the CNN, Trump, WWF video over and over because they have to stretch. They're just trying to fill 24 hours of fucking news.

Here's a guy who's going to say something cunty, but let's have five people here to defend that cunty, and let's just fill up 45 minutes of country fucking talk. And that's what the, yeah, it's like, anything else going on in the news? I want to just find out what's going on and then make my own opinion of it. I don't want you to tell me. So this is what you

just saw. That's what they tell you. Have you heard ISIS took over Houston a couple days ago? That's crazy. Or the worst is that they're all named Juan and fucking they won't report it. This is what someone meant when they said this. Wait a minute.

I can't just hear what he said and form my own opinion? Yeah. Well, I think when the president keeps getting verbally attacked, he's got to verbally attack back. Stupid shit. He's an asshole. He is an asshole, but there's real asshole reasons to hate him.

Oh, yeah. Not what they keep telling us to hate him for. Nothing... Because the real shit is what you could apply to Hillary or an Obama. That stuff, if they had you start paying attention to that, you start paying attention to what they're all doing. And they don't want that. So they got to pick something that is so retarded that it can't stick to anything else. But that's

what people know about. I don't give a fuck at all. I want to hear alligator ate a baby out of his dad's hands in Disneyland. The news

of the weird kind of shit. Feel good pieces. And nownn is so overwhelmed like everything's trump and i don't i never cared i don't care it doesn't really affect my life that's why i get my news from conspiracy threads on on reddit that's where i go i heard chaley told me that you have a podcast that was all about fucking JFK assassinations. Like the tinfoil hat podcast. Yes. He's had like 25 episodes.

Was that related? Yeah. Well, once the election started going through and, you know, I was a Bernie guy. Like I keep wanting to believe in the political process. Bernie's coming back. I keep wanting to believe in it. So I get sucked into it. And Bernie was coming back. I keep wanting to believe in it, so I get sucked into it. And Bernie was my guy.

And then I would just start to see them just ripping it from him, giving it to Hillary. And I was like, dude, you guys don't see this? That one's like, no, I don't see it. I'm with her. And you're like, and then all the stuff they were bashing everybody. I'm like, you could easily say it about

the Clintons. Everything they were bashing trump on i'm like the clinton's did the exact same thing so then it just became this whole thing where i just i wanted to pick something i enjoy talking when i you know i've had a couple different podcasts podcasts and one of them i always say what can i talk in 100 episodes 200 episodes 300 episodes and i have like conspiracy i love it so that's the gist of Tinfoil Hat. Yeah, Tinfoil Hat. Tinfoil Hat is with my friend Ryan Davis, who's a huge fan of yours. He just wanted to let you know if you needed anyone murdered, he would do it for you.

You heard the name James Inman. Okay. Just going to float that out there as a possibility. James Inman once gave me some shit on Facebook, and I just love to see how long I can get people on the thread to go. And I'll just be like, what do you mean? What are you trying to say? Your point, and I'll just say it differently, and I see how long I can get them to go with me. Edmund just kept going.

I would just be like, why are you saying this to me? And then it would be like a fucking war and peace comment. And I'd be like, what's the point? Just one line fucking war and peace comment. They'd be like, what's the point? Just one line, war and peace comment. I'm glad people are still fucking with Inman. I don't have the time. Inman, that's the key with Inman. How few words can I spill out and how many can I get in return?

I'd be like three, four words and get a thousand in return i won't read them because it's fucking inman you should get him to la for your podcast but make sure he has a round trip ticket he was going off on alex jones the other day so i i was having some fun with that he's interesting yeah i just love it dude and like it's really amazing like the feedback is like like, insanely good. Like, usually, like, I did a show. I did a podcast called The Naughty Show for a while with Gareth Reynolds and this other person. And we, I mean, at some point, like, I've interviewed every cross-dressing midget out there.

I just, I'm over it. It's fun. Then I just found, like, I just love talking just love talking conspiracies. I love questioning everything. It's free. Just have fun with it. And then it just goes off. So do you think Kennedy's head got whacked by a Frisbee disc tossed by a midget?

Yes. Yes. That's a theory. I know it's true. I enjoy tragedy. Any kind of, oh, this is really fucked up. Let's get on this. One of my favorite memories of Doug is you were doing Miyagi's in Hollywood.

You remember the three-floor sushi bar? It's now Pink Taco, but it used to be Miyagi's, which was a sushi... Sounds familiar. It was owned by the people in Dublin. And Jay Davis, Dublin's was killing. They wanted to do another night across the street.

This was right after 9-11. And you were just doing this bit about kids going, mommy, is that is that plane going to fly to a building? And you're like how everybody's emotionally fucking being weird about that. You had this great riff down. I just watch Orny Adams, who's from New York. Fuck, man. Not cool. I'm like, dude, it's comedy.

Orny Adams? Yeah. Bent out of shape? Oh, man. Fuck, man. Not cool. I'm like, dude, it's comedy. It's fucking comedy. Ornie Adams? Yeah. Bent out of shape? Oh, man. Fuck. Fuck. There's stockbrokers still landing out there.

The only better name would be Steve Ranazzisi or whatever. Ranazzisi, yeah. Ranazzisi. Oh, yeah. That was hilarious. I have to pretend to be upset about this. I set a bad precedent. That guy's good. Ren Azizi's a great guy.

He did something incredibly stupid. And he fucking, he got out of it. Finally fessed up, and that beat him to the, I mean. You do it. You own it. God, I've done so much dumb shit. I got robbed by the same hooker twice in one day buying drugs. I can't judge anybody.

Oh, man. You know what I got as a great eraser? I went to my physician, and I was just talking like I do. And he goes, have you ever been diagnosed bipolar? No, I have not. And then we talked a little more, and he diagnosed me bipolar. It's the best fucking eraser you can have in life. I've done some shitty things.

I've fucking done a ton of shitty things. Now I look back and go well i had a problem and i was searching for the right mix that's great that's so great you blame everything on bipolar yeah i'm by fucking yeah i'm bipolar as fuck man i'm surprised i'm even sitting here without pancakes i love i'm crippling social anxiety. Yeah. I love it. I mean, it was the best news I could have got. I thought I was maybe dying, and I'm like, woo!

Yeah, I'm crazy. He pre-vetted you by making sure you hadn't been diagnosed with what he was going to diagnose you with. Like, you want to be the first one? Yeah. Andy, have you ever bought two left shoes in one box? Yeah. He spotted a heart arrhythmia just from one listen. Like, when we want to be the first one to tell somebody their tragic

news or super good news, he wanted to be the first one. Has anyone told you you're bipolar? Okay, guess what? You're bipolar. Woo! Where do I go? Do I get a trip somewhere? Through this door here? Or up this ramp? In the van? Oh, I love it. Do you go for a second opinion on that? No, because

I've done a lot of... You want that. No, I don? Because I was, no, because I've done. You want that. I've done a lot of, no, I don't want to fucking, I know. I've done so much creepy shit that I can't even fucking factor in. I can't discuss on podcast. I can't even weigh on a fucking scale. I've done that creepy shit. You want out. Like when you're like, hey, dude, did you make this kid smell your farts on a plane?

Exactly. And you're like, I'm bipolar. Exactly. You know. Exactly. I couldn't stop myself if I wanted to because I'm diseased. That's what I took it as. Like, fuck yeah, man.

I can't remember being happier in my life than when I was diagnosed. And probably wrong. That's how I feel about social anxiety. I have crippling social anxiety. Crippling, dude. Do you do a merch booth? What's like i do you do a merch booth what's that do you do a merch booth yes it's the fucking yeah yeah bane of my existence but it's the reason we can be out here because chaley pushes product and without chaley i don't this whole thing breaks down.

I can't do this. Yeah. Dude, all my features sell out of their shit because people want to show me that I'm not the boss. I swear to God. I go, you sell merch? I let features sell merch because they're not making any money, these guys. Yeah. So I'm like, sell some merch.

I go, you got merch? They're like, yeah. I'm like, prepare to be sold out because I'll do my act and I'll just yell racial slurs at people on stage and then to come out can i buy your thing they give me dirty looks they grab and they run off one one of the best things that uh in comedy is boise idaho this guy the feature sucked i hated his guts he did a he's a fucking hack or whatever but he uh he was selling his merch to my walkouts like people would walk out of my show, and he had his shit available, and as much of a cunt as he was, he was like, you know, like,

oh, yeah, I didn't like that guy either, or whatever, and then they would buy his shit, you know, his fucking ringtones or whatever, but they didn't buy it because they liked him, they bought it because they hated me. That happens to me all the time, dude. That's a winning marketing strategy. And it's always white.

I do a joke about, before the show, we pray the comedy gods to make white women laugh because they just always want to talk to the manager. White women love talking to the manager. And it's true. They just come out and you tell them they're angry. They're just angry. You were working with me in Sacramento. A woman, I was first, a woman leaned into a candle.

Her hair caught fire. It was Sacramento i think this lady's hair caught fire stunk up the whole fucking room she i i had a beer in my hand and i thought i'm not a hero because i didn't throw it you know but i thought that's what i should that's what a hero would do is throw a beer on her head she ran out to the bathroom and then at the end of the show, after Doug was done or whatever, she was talking to the manager, and I go, oh, I get it. You have your chick lean into a candle, burn her hair so you get free tickets, and they were exactly getting free tickets for the show. Oh, my hair caught fire.

You're a dumb cunt. You're really going for it. Yeah. Bingo in Dallas, a bachelorette party that I made cry and walk in the middle of the show. Bingo walked out into

the lobby when they were screaming for refunds and tried to sell the merch as a memento for their big occasion. That's awesome. Would you like a CD? Do people see the show that they're going to go see? Not in those cases.

Let's just walk in this rock club, and hopefully the band's good. I used to do that as a bit. It just makes no sense to me. Music is, you wouldn't go see music. You would find the type of music. No one sees the type of comedy. They don't look it up. You put that little effort into your Friday night when you sold out.

Yeah, I work five days and on Friday night I go out. I want comedy. And you want to see the guy that we fell asleep to on Letterman on Thursday. and you want to see the guy that we fell asleep to on Letterman on Thursday. I actually think now that late-night spots on television are hurting comedy. I think people watch those and don't think comedy is funny and don't want to go to shows. I can't imagine anyone actually watching network TV for any reason other than live sports.

That's it. I totally agree with you. The only reason that people come to my house for football where I live in this little hippie town no one has cable TV. They watch everything after the fact on YouTube or because they're on demand.

Yeah, you don't get HBO four minutes later. But I have live football so football fans will come to my house and that's the only reason why you would watch network tv when there's a billion other channels fucking any like jimmy fallon for any reason. Why? Because you're friends on it? Well, you know what? Just tell me how it goes. I don't want to watch Jimmy Fallon

say a word. Tell me what you said. I have no problems with Fallon, but I find it amazing that he gets such a fucking pass when Leno used to get murdered by everybody for being so super squeaky clean. And, like, he's gone beyond where even fucking Leno was. Like, it blows my mind.

But why does any of this good shit on TV at that hour on cable? Why would you watch network TV? I'm totally with you. you watch network TV? I'm totally with you. Part of it though is that Kimmel does it and Fallon, they actually are able to bring people in

by uploading YouTube clips of the funniest two minutes of the night before and then they'll churn that out on a regular basis and I don't even know if it works, but it ends up being something that someone will talk about because they saw the clip on YouTube that showed up on a Twitter feed

somewhere and never even watched the show NBC's of all the networks I think they've mastered social media more because they love to use the outrage for promotion exactly like Saturday Night Live will do the most tame shit and then before you know it, 80 fake websites are like, were you offended by Leslie Jones' bit about slavery? And it's never like I'm pissed. It's like, are you pissed? And they just like, they have 80 bots

that will just put this out and it's all done to just do this fake train wreck version of promotion. What I did last night, I'm still trying to make that. No one's really offended. Someone says that people were outraged by whatever star said this. No one's actually outraged.

They create the outrage and then they get other people to say to make an opinion how did you feel about that you shouldn't say that ever there's no outrage to begin with who's pissed show me 10 if 10 people are pissed that doesn't mean everybody's pissed

it's everything's fake and that's why I was saying to watch the news anymore. Who cares who the fucking president is? I'm 50 years old. Everything's 60. Yeah.

So my material is about generally me. Yeah, it's great, dude. Yeah. I love the way you write. You run out of material at 40 yeah you do i remember you talked about everything you ever wanted to talk about i'm like i was so right there and like the things we used to rage against now your crowd lets you go a little uh go much farther i had my uh conspiracy theory arc yeah no get that, because at some point you realize

who gives a shit, what are you going to do? Yeah, I realized everything's bullshit, and I had to rail about it, and now I'm like, who cares? I just love to just just shit in people's birthday cakes. That's more of why I do conspiracies

than this notion that anything's going to change. Like these people are like, I'm with her. Well, you know her husband was on a flight to fuck kids on an island like 27 times. Well, no, God's a pussy. He fucked children. You know that, right? And it's just like that's more of what I get off on, like shattering the fucking fairy tale

than actually like thinking I'm going to change anything. One of my highlights of Twitter was Jodi Arias. I was, like, jumping in. I was like, oh, and then I'm getting all these followers that are Jodi Arias, anti-Jodi Arias, and then going, yeah, Jodi, blah, blah, blah. And then going, well, you know, this is just another example of the church having somebody murdered to frame a woman. And then, boom, you get all these fucking 500 women going, i thought you were this way or whatever like no and then go the other way and then i mean i was like it was the most fun probably ever had on the internet it was just

yeah yeah no this is just this is how the church does it they murdered poor travis in front of jody we should all be supporting her how are you doing this i i just joined twitter and you were the only person i followed in you and cnn and now this oh it's fucking awesome i trust no one with a blue verified check yeah that's my rule anybody talking politics i don't trust them on fucking twitter, especially if they're liberals. If they're leftists and they're talking politics, I don't trust you. Unfollow, unfollow, unfollow. CNN has become the Fox News because of the beef between. Like Alyssa Milano.

She's like, we got to get Trump out. He's got to run the country. It's like, you've been famous since the moment fur sprouted on your snatch. You've never had a hard fucking day. Tony Danza trying to stick his dick in your 30-year-old. I mean, like, nobody gives a fuck, man. You've never had a hard day. You're just playing this game.

I don't trust you. It really does bother me when comics I respect are just so I mean all of us sitting here have real problems in our own lives

you're fucking trying to clutch on to 60 days of sobriety fuckhead who ruins everything, Andy Andrus sat down after that girl muddled him a fucking cucumber fucking cocktail he smashed it

he's just getting off of probation like the least of our troubles is the president and everyone's ignoring their own lives. When I dropped that drink and my finger was bleeding, I'm like God damn Trump. This is exactly

what I was talking about. Why Trump's leadership doesn't work. You both have band-aids on. How did you let's get to the band-aids that we explained that fuck face shows off the plane. He comes here to the aloft. Gets the aloft, smashes a drink,

then tries to pick at the broken glass, cuts his finger. It was my 9-11. Today was my 9-11. I was so emotional. The day Michael Jackson died, and I was just talking about how this was the black 9-11, and

everybody was just... I was like, fuck him, dude. Imagine being that doctor killing Michael Jackson. What about the guy, the Walgreens pharmacist who couldn't open for prints? Come on, man.

He just needed a pill. Hang on. Your band-aid. I caught myself reaching into my toiletries on my fucking super razor. It has three blades. They're all fucking samurai swords, and they just took out a pound of flesh. That's how you bleed when you don't drink.

Come on. This is a perfect segue. Is that who we're promoting? Yeah, we already did that. Oh. Double down, dog. Dollar Shave Club. Hey, if you don't mind a little blood in your blue apron.

White meal? Maybe we can send him some pro flowers for his hair. Are you guys out blue apron too? Oh, yeah. Dude, they say that's ruining restaurants. Nobody's going to restaurants anymore. These fucking millennials, they just sit at home, play World of Warcraft, jerk off,

they have squid porn, and they never leave their fucking house. Why is it bad? And why do we got to criticize the generation that figured it out? That's the generation that figured it out. That's what we should have been doing since the 50s. Hey, no one's stuck behind some fucking job

in a fucking cart at Walmart. Like, just move, move, move. Beep. Oh, I can get this delivered to me? Yeah. Everything. Yeah. I'm down.

I'll order it. Wait, I can get it. You guys sold me on it. I'm going to go order it. I'll send you three meals. Send me it. I'm done. I'll send it to you.

I'm done. I'm not even talking about Walmart. I'm talking about everything that can be delivered to your house. Why the fuck? Wait, I can get this without being eye-raped by the fucking fat Americans that are out in every corner? You get eye-raped all the time, don't you?

It must be so hard. I eye-rape. I'm an eye-rapist. You're an eye-rapist? Yeah. You just hang out in bushes and eye-rape bitches? Yeah, I just hang out in bushes and eye rape bitches? Yeah, I already raped that flower over there. Sam Tripoli, do you have actual lenses in those fucking weird Beastie Boy glasses?

Put them on. Kind of hairy clear lenses. Wow, everything's pretty normal here. That's a style. You rocking it? 1.75?

I don't even know, dude. Cheater category? I was going around looking for aviators because I was wearing normal glasses on stage. But you're not wearing those lip cool. Why not contact lenses? I don't trust myself. I'm so lazy, I don't want to clean anything. Let's get on the mic for this.

This is compelling. I'm so lazy, I don't want to clean anything. So I was wearing normal glasses, like regular glasses. I felt I looked like Marc Maron, and it didn't fit my act. So I was going around looking for aviators, because I want big ones. And they were all like $500 just for the frames. So I just went online, saw these for $20, got them sent to me, threw some lenses in, and bam, here we are.

And you've never looked back. Never looked back. Because of the wrong prescription. You can't fucking see if you did. Bam! Yeah, dude. So I just wear them. Some people like them.

Some people don't. Some of the creepier jokes I do get weird reactions because these Dahmer glasses creep people fucking out. I think Jeffrey Dahmer took his glasses off before he did anything. He did? Yeah. I think, yeah. Let me get a picture of you. He sat them down on the coffee table.

Let me give you a little back story of Andy Andrist. He goes, he's hung out in front of Dahmer's house, John Bonet's house. He's masturbated in ghost towns. I'm a lazy psychic. I like that. I show up after it's been solved and just toss one off. If she hadn't been murdered by her brother, she'd be hot right now. He's suing CBS now, right?

Who, Burke? Yeah, her brother. Oh, yeah. Well, he probably shouldn't have lopped her on the head with that big heavy flashlight. That's the main thing. You solved it. Well, the pineapple, come on. She's eating the pineapple.

It's his favorite snack. Big flashlight. And I feel bad for the family member that got that big flashlight for Patsy. Yeah, Patsy could always use a big flashlight, and then Bert lops John Bonet in the noggin, and nothing's ever the same since. But the house is lovely i uh have you been by the house i've been by several times it's right there in boulder my daughter goes to school out there and then i i had a pot pipe and i didn't want to stash it by

the college kids because you know how irresponsible they are he's masturbated on Mrs. Lincoln's grave. Oh, Mary. Mary Todd. Sure, Mary. You beat off on Lincoln's grave. Not Mary Todd. No. Mary the daughter. What is it?

Just like American history excites you? I try to get involved. I try to help out in the community. I respect that. I mean, you know. I respect that. No. First and foremost, the guy's going to chuck off.

You're in a cemetery. You've got to find some shade. I agree. And Mary, it wasn't Mary Todd. It was Mary something, but it was a nice shade. He's not kidding. So hold on, shade gets you horny? No, no, I was already horny from the drugs.

The jerks have them. Okay, we here's... Okay, we're on a shared podcast, but... Wait, hold on a second. You do the Nature Jack. We've talked about that. Yes, but I need to clarify. Is that a cemetery shade jack? Or is that two different things?

The cemetery jack was a medical emergency. Okay. That was a life-saving situation. A fatal boner or something? I mean, I could have been the next Abe Lincoln if I hadn't choked all the poison out or whatever. I respect that. But nature jacking is kind of like a Zen thing. Does anyone own that domain, by the way, nature jacking?

I'm not good at anything. I'm about to buy it. Andy does not. Yeah. I was going to do t-shirts, but I got nappy after a joke. One of your guys jerking off. But people have misconstrued that. Nature jacking is not, I'm going to go out and chuck one off on the fucking national trail

and take a picture and send it to Andy Andrews. That's not what nature jacking is. Nature jacking is a way of leaving every fucking negative image you have behind and going to a higher plane and chucking one off. It's not about, oh, I'm just chucking one off because maybe a tourist will see it.

It's about getting beyond that. This is a chapter in the Tibetan Book of the Dead, right? Well, yeah. Whack off your sins away? i think i respect that yeah well it's not even sins it's like you know because if you like now i can't come unless there's a glacier melting or something but when it started i was just like trying to get past pornography trying to get past oh i need to do this to come or whatever trying to get past everything i learned

and then it's like oh i'm on a glacier this is beautiful the sun's shining and and oh hey there's nature and then bam that's all you need you don't need women you don't need stories you don't need the ladies telling you things you just need mother nature you just need a cool wind uh maybe a little bit of sunlight or maybe it's just dusk or whatever you Sounds like you're going to beat off anyone. No. It doesn't matter where he's at. In Syracuse? Where are you going to drive me in Syracuse?

There's a golf course out here. You might want to put a couple holes and ones over there. That's what a regular jacker would do. We're going to wrap this up. Let's wrap it in a sock and put it away. If you enjoyed the background music, that's shitty Aloft music. The bartender does not have access to a volume knob.

Somebody made this music. And they were working on the notes, and they were just like, no, what about this? The band wanted people to listen to them, and then the they were just like, no, what about this? The band wanted people to listen to them and then the lead singer was like, no, how can we get people to not listen to us? That's what I want. We're looking for elevators, guys. Think elevators. I'm hammered.

We'll get to Andy Andrist and his fucking other problems. He just got on the tour. He just landed. Yeah, I just got here. How many dates are you guys doing together? Seven. Seven more gigs. We have six scheduled, but we're

willing to do less. They're terrible gigs because I have to go back to where I'm from and I don't want to talk to a lot of those people. This is a problem.

Have you had this problem where you have to be public to sell your gigs? Yes. But there's people you go, oh, can I not let them know? Four people will be able to see. I don't want to. They come to your show because it's a social event. No, this is my fucking job.

I don't want to hang out with you. Yeah. The ideal tour would be like a witness relocation situation where you're like, this is not Doug Stanhope, it's Steve Hennings. And then Steve just goes out.

People at Birkin don't come sit with you after you bought your Whopper and be like, you know, mean, great. Oh, you get a job at Burger King. I'm going to come hang out with you. No, it's my job. When are you coming back to our Burger King? It's not a hangout situation. I know for you it seems like I am, oh, I'm just coming to town. I know for you it seems like I'm just coming to town to yell.

To see you and then maybe do a little stage time. Do they, because they all expect you to, like Burt Kreischer I'm sure has to deal with like people just wanting to get boozed with them. Like I for the long time, because they did an audio show, everyone's like let's go to a strip bar

hey I'm going to bring this slut to the show and see if you can get her to do weird shit. Like, I would always get that. Wasn't that with Attell? It gets worse and worse. Attell had to stop doing that show, Insomniac, because it just got too crazy. Oh, my God, yeah.

He just got insane. He quit drinking. His fucking job made him quit drinking. Yeah, I've been there, dude. I am there. It might have been that Vegas night that we were there when Hedberg was in Vegas. So, yeah, I have to go back to where I used to live one time. My mom brought everyone she knew to my shelves, you know, for a whole week.

It was fucking rough. They're all nice people, but, you know, it's like I'm a scumbag. But it's also a job. Yeah. My mom's not very friends. Hey, come to Kinko's. See Sammy. If you were a dishwasher at TGI Fridays that traveled.

Right. Yeah. You're going to be in our neck of the woods. We're going to come hang out and watch you dishwash. Yeah. Waiting for you after the show. Just fuck off. I don't do that anymore. Hey, Doug, we really

enjoyed your dishwashing a couple weeks ago, but we came out and saw it recently, and it just didn't seem like you put much effort into the dishwashing tonight. No, they don't care about your dishwashing. I saw your dishwash last night. That's the point. They don't care about the dishwashing. They just want to be there.

They're going to watch you dishwash for an hour that they don't even care about, hoping you hang around for eight hours. Yeah, to meet with you. And now you're with chicks. You don't really care anymore. Well, now you are with chicks. Do you have a chick? Yeah, I have a girlfriend. Thirteen years.

Gross. Really? I love her to death. Every day I pray she's getting railed by someone, I could just grab my fucking passport and just fake my own death and disappear. That's marriage. You're not even married. You have the same fantasies I do.

Do you travel with your passport? No, I wish I had. Do you have a go bag? You do? In case you just gotta go? I respect the fuck out of it. You got a go bag? Ditch bag.

Sometimes you have to just fuck it. I'm dead at the end, and those days are closer and closer. Travel with your passport, because you know what? At the end of this tour, I get a flight to Tucson, but maybe I go to Tahiti, Guam. I saw you wash dishes in Guam, dude. You were so good. You were so good. Remember Guam 87,

bro? I came out. I brought my whole family to see your Guam dishwashing show. Man, I love your shows, dude. I spent six months in Guam. I love Guam. I love Guam. I love Alaska. Yeah. Alaska gets it. Has he been to Alaska? He booked twice up there. They haven't booked me since. I'm Alaska gets it. Has he been to Alaska? He booked twice up there.

They haven't booked me since. Well, I'm not booking him. He's a lovely cool guy. It's not on. Talk off the air. It's not on. Talk off the air. You did great. You brought me other comics, too, which I always love.

The waitress was so hot. It was this little blonde girl, and she was such an alcoholic. She would literally sit on people's faces for a shot. And it was like five guys in a row. They would just lay down. She would sit on their face, get up, next guy. I was like, I love Alaska. What was the problem?

No, I'm singing the fucking praises. Alaska likes guns, coke, and fucking. I'm all in. And they got moose. Oh, you didn't get deep? I was talking about, you know, the political process of fucking the deep state, and I lost them.

I had a great time, Doug. I love you very much, man. I'm so thankful. I'm glad you had me on your podcast. I'm glad you had me on your podcast. I'm just glad I was sitting in an adjacent chair that I could do both of them. Yeah.

Congratulations on doubling down, bro. Double win. I love watching you perform, Doug. You're one of my favorite comics. So the fact that we're friends is really cool. And I'm always appreciative. We're a legacy. I feel like I creep you out sometimes, but I'm cool with that.

I'm going to creep Doug out. No, you've never creeped me out. Okay, cool. Well, I'm insecure as fuck, so that's how it is. You're starting to creep me out. That's cool. I get creep'm insecure as fuck, so that's how it is. You're starting to creep me out. That's cool. I get creeped out easy. All right.

Next time we'll have Shooley on for the three Vegas comics. Oh, that'd be good. That would be great, dude. There's some great young comics out there. It's a good thing. They have it easy. Yeah, but the world's going to end in like four years. I'm cool with that too, though, dude.

I'm cool with that. Yeah, get some Chuckles before the end. All right. Thanks, Doug. Sam, you got any dates coming up? I'm going to be at the end of July. July 26th, I'm in Toronto with Brian Redband and Dean Del Rey. And they have a couple little things here and there.

Oh, that's right. They hit you. I have a couple dates in August, but I can't remember them. So where do they go to get information on you? Go to samtripley.com or just social media at Sam Tripley across everything. And check out my YouTube page.

I put up shit all the time. I do. I put videos of me just ripping the crowd for an hour. I'll do that. It's youtube.com backslash Sam Tripoli. All right, and that's the tinfoil hat with Sam Tripoli and Punch Drunk Sports. Me, Ari Shafir, Jason Tebow. You read it.

All right, get on the mailing list at dougstandup.com, and some of the dates are sold out coming up. All the New England dates. New England dates are sold out. If you are anyone that I'm ignoring, yeah, fuck off. Or call me and I'll ignore you and fuck off. I love it. But get on the mailing list

and then we got another tour coming up in August. So get on the mailing list. It's the only way you're going to find out Because I don't I'm happy to Die in a fucking I got out of this tour Last week or so

Who knows in August Check back Good night Thank you ma'am Let's play Bird Cloud. Middle of the blue, full of Mountain Dew, put your pride upon my shelf. Oh, King Coast, if you're meaner than my hay hole, I'll be coming like a fountain when I come. Dip it on in the water, cause it's water, you like water, and the water will turn you on. Rub-a-dub-dub on a 12-inch stub Yeah, that's what I'm talking about

Until then I stick my whole hand in And I shake it all about It'll make your hair curly, put hair on your chest My daddy said it makes you go blind But I fiddle with myself for I am the best Till I become sensitized. Hey, dill, dill, ding, dong, ain't long to get someone to fiddle with myself. Little boy blue, full of mountain dew, put your pride upon my shelf.

Oh, king, call, stick your needle in my hayhole i'll be coming like a fountain when i come dip it on in the water cause it's water you like water in the water well turn me on rub a dub dub upon a 12 inch sub yeah that's what i'm talking about until then i stick my whole hand in and i shake it all about it'll make your hair curly put hair on your chest my daddy said it makes you go blind. But I feel it with myself, for I am the best. I've become desensitized. I've become desensitized.

And the water will turn you on. Hidden tracks. I like that. So I was at the comedy store. We're hanging out, and there's this gorgeous little brunette there. And somehow the conversation got going on about peeing on people, if people were into it or not. She's like, I've always wanted to pee on somebody. I'm like, I bet you wouldn't pee on me.

She goes, I bet you will. And we just start betting, and all of a sudden it becomes like Deer Hunter, where everyone's like, just throwing down fucking my pocket. There's fucking money. It gets up to like $300. Oh, man. So this chick's like, let's go to the back. We go to the back, and you know where you were talking earlier

about how there was a shower there. I take my shirt off. I lay down. And there's like 15 dudes in here watching this fucking thing. So she's sitting on top of me. I see her muff. She got like toilet paper in her snatch. I remember that. And she's sitting on top of me. I see her muff. She got, like, toilet paper in her snatch.

I remember that. And she's like, there's... Dingleberry. She had a little piece of paper right on her snatch. I don't give a shit, dude. Coming out. I'm a savage. I'd fucking lick that right off there, you know? Surprised it went to 300.

So we're sitting there. We're like, okay, pee. She's, like, sitting there. She couldn't pee. She goes, I can't do it. Everyone's like, ah. And they walk off. She goes, man, I really wanted to pee on you.

I go, well, let's go back to my place. It's only a mile away. She goes, okay. She jumps in the car. We drive off. We get in my bathroom. I take all my clothes off. I get there.

She gets on top of me, and she fucking pisses all over me. And it was great. I'm like, wow, this is not that bad. It's actually like a warm fucking shower. So I get up she goes start putting on clothes i go what are you doing she goes what i go go in the bedroom she's like we're having sex i'm like yeah i'm not a port-a-potty you don't just pee on me and fucking go so we go in the back and i fucking slam it right so then the whole time i'm like you you look like Miley Cyrus. Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Miley Cyrus?

No, yeah, I've heard it here and there, blah, blah, blah. Let's just, I say, oh, and it was Miley Cyrus and we cut the podcast. We can do that on ours. It was her stunt double. She ended up being her stunt double. If you watch this AMA, American Music Awards, there's a scene where Miley Cyrus is dancing on stage. Everyone's going crazy.

And this girl dances down the thing. And in the seat is Miley Cyrus. She gets up and takes over. That girl that was dancing was the one who pissed all over me. The switch. Yeah. How much stunt doubling does the hand of Montana? Well, you love pissing, you love buck plugs.

Right place, right time, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right place, right time. All the good shit. Well, I don't believe in heroes, but I'm going to pass out. You are, sir, my hero. I love it, dude. I've never gotten a girl pee on me since.

Sadness. I can't get them to stop. Every time I sit still. Dude can't get him to stop. Every time I sit still. Dude, you're funny, man.