The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #216: End of the "You Had To Be Here" Tour with Andy Andrist

Episode Date: July 15, 2017

Ep. #216: End of the "You Had To Be Here" Tour with Andy AndristDoug, Andy and Chaille finish up the tour in Hartford, CT and work backwards with the highlights and stuff they could remember. For a lot of it you had to be there. Check out the new tour dates for Aug 2017 at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates .Recorded July 12th, 2017 after show at the hotel in Hartford, CT with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Andy Andrist (@AndyAndrist) & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored byPROFLOWERS.COM – To get 20% off your Farmstand Flowers™ or any other bouquet of $29 or more, go to ProFlowers.com, and use promo code “STANHOPE” at checkout..AndSTAMPS.COM - Click on the Radio Microphone at the TOP of the homepage and type in STANHOPE to get your FREE 4 week Trial which includes postage and a digital scale!Closing clips of Andy Andrist and Doug Stanhope recorded live at The Shaskeen in Manchester, NH on July 08, 2017.LINKS:- ProFlowers.com – www.ProFlowers.com- Stamps.com – www.stamps.com- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hit it once, hit it twice, and now here we are. Oh yeah, just set it down for drinks because, I don't know, at night, it's the condensation, the fucking humidity in New England. Oh, in Hartford, yeah, holy shit. I haven't been in New England in the summer in I don't know how long, but it's brutal. It makes my hair so frizzy yeah you forget sometimes you need like a burner shirt just to wear around before the show to sweat through you got fucking ape and then uh ditch it and put on a clean chair which you'll sweat through in

about 20 minutes after an alcoholic bender where you you wake up early go back to sleep and now you're trying to sleep till one this is body says oh no you have to sweat out a fever that you didn't have this always it seems like when you see a fat person here it's like how do the how do you fucking keep it up it seems like you just sweat sweat it out you couldn't maintain being a big fatty in new england but it turns out you can. That's why I love those fevers where you sweat through the sheets in a hotel. Yeah. And you go, oh, I'm losing so much weight by being deathly ill.

If I could get mono every year, I would do that. It was the best diet I was on. I was on it in college. Fucking mono and just everything I ate, I puked up. You never hear about mono anymore. I know, I know, because, yeah. It was the kissing disease when we were kids. You get it from kissing.

I got mono, and my dad brought me to the doctor, and they said, you have the most advanced or whatever superlative case of mono i've ever seen and they wanted to do a blood test and i didn't want a needle and i told my dad i was probably 14 and i said no i'm not getting a needle i'll be fine yeah and my dad goes okay guy i lived so i was right you didn't go to the spike parents should have probably listened to a doctor but well and here i am you are a free range like this you were a free you're a free range chicken right from the beginning maybe that's the that's how advanced

it was that's when he's 50 this is going to come back to haunt him. That'd be a good title for the tour is Free Range Chickens. A lot of this tour, I thought the title of the tour should have been, you had to be there because yeah, by the way, Andy Andrist and I are here.

Chaley will be on the podcast once he stops pissing blood. On a balcony, a first floor, a second floor balcony in Hatford, Connecticut. Hatford. Overlooking the fucking breakfast. Fucking slubs. We were fucking filing out for fucking breakfast here in New England. And the fucking eggs and that toast.

We were going to do the podcast before the show. We were going to do the podcast before the show, and we waited an extra hour to get a room with a balcony so I could smoke, even though you can't really smoke on the balcony here. But fuck it, it's close enough. Yeah. And we were going to do the podcast before the show, but it's the last day of the tour, so I'm trying to repack senior we got senioritis tracy's here the tracy of the the tr of the trailies tracy and chaley they're driving back well kind of halfway from hartford it's a long story but we had to repack and andy's got a flight in seven hours and then i fly out later in the afternoon and then i'm trying to work travel for the august tour and then oh yeah we'll podcast at five well no i'm still trying to figure out what rooms and who flies from where to what

and we were not in a mood to podcast. So we thought maybe after the show would be better. And we're not as fucked up as I thought we would be. It felt like a snow globe, and then you shake it up, and that's what it fucking felt like, is we're sitting out here getting ready to podcast. I'd be like a mannequin if we did the podcast then. There's nothing to say. Yeah.

But here we are a few drinks later, and we're going to force one out because I'm leaving, and we have to. Andy got on the tour after Morgan Murphy. They switched out. I don't know. Maybe we already told this story. Let's go just from tonight backwards. All right.

Yeah. from tonight backwards. Because Andy was so fucking brilliant tonight on stage that on the next tour, Andy's on the tour, and we're going to at least force him to listen to one bit he nailed. Yeah, that'll be painful, but I'll muster through. The worst thing is when you riff a bit, because we're all always, as I'll say, because we're in New England, half cocked. Half cocked.

We're half cocked on stage. Half in the bag. Yeah. And you riff a bit, but Andy doesn't fucking write anything down. And so we're going to force him to listen to at least one bit he got right because you try to recreate a riff and then you're trying to make it into a bit that you didn't work out you're just trying to remember last night but last night's crowd isn't there right they're gone so god damn it the fucking your your wife stuff the fucking naked and afraid stuff.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, I did do some difference. I was dying. Yeah. I saw at least one. It might have been two different waitresses because I was standing there by the entrance. And I was trying to hide in a corner that isn't really a corner. And there's a waitress standing next to me twice that i saw the first

one i was going to make a joke that if she had rosary beads she would have been twirling them yeah you forget the how fucking nervous the you know a wait staff in a club because they if they fucking hate what's going on then they're going to stiff the waitresses. So I'm always sensitive about that. It's like if they're wincing. Well, I never thought of it, and I thought of it the other way, in that the waitress seemed so upset by your act. I only see them after I get off stage,

and I told Heidi was our girl that served the green room tonight. Yeah. And I said. Yeah, they didn't seem to be like. I mean, they helped us. They weren't unfriendly, but they seemed like the opposite of a comedy club staff that wanted to hang out with us. They seemed like fucking genuinely nervous and fucking afraid to talk to us or be around us, which is cool.

When Chaley gets back, he has the memory and the notes. There was one funny bone that was brand new. It was Albany. Albany, yeah. They just made you, because it was only two years old, so it felt like the old days were, oh, they all love comedy they're not bitter yet yeah but you forget i'm i see the waitresses after the show and you tip out the one that was

serving you in the green room and i just asked did they did they drink a lot did they tip well and i said to heidi tonight i go, I go, from what I know, my crowd, as much as they might be assholes, drink the most and tip just under gay crowds. Yeah, yeah. Gay crowds are notorious for the best tippers.

Oh, gay crowds are good tippers? Yeah, because they have disposable incomes because they have no kids. Right, right, yeah, yeah. And they usually work in some kind of service industry. Oh, I'm sorry. That's a bad stereotype. I'm sorry. You're great tippers.

Anyway, we're talking about... They're great on the ice. Tonight... The homos. It was the last night of the tour. It's at a Funny Bone, which if you've ever been to a Funny Bone, you've been to every Funny Bone. Yeah, well, it was a Funny Bone in a mall.

Which they're all in a mall, but this is an internal mall rather than sometimes their adult destination where you walk through a court yeah i was going to reference mall shootings but i didn't want to be in that gray area where security'd come down but i that's immediately what i was thinking about the material about the shootings and stuff but oh fuck yeah i could like you know like local reference it to hey we're in a mall do you guys see that uh you know that shooting in the af the African mall there and how that played out? It's like run for the kiosk.

If the fucking shooter's in the mall, run for the kiosk and get in the middle and hunch down there and then wait for some panicky lady to make a break for and then get out of there. It's probably not a good idea for the one reason that I see, being at the merch booth, that Doug's crowds, sometimes those people come in with backpacks. Mm-hmm. So that looks a little suspicious.

Then let's get back to last night or the night before. That's at Ralph's Chadwick Square Diner. Ralph's Chadwick Square Diner was the original punk rock club when I was growing up where punk rock had a mystique. And Mohawks, these crazy people. I just saw a Mohawk. I was on the bus. I saw someone with a Mohawk. Why do they get their face pierced like that?

That's crazy. Yeah. Oh, I know. That's still to me. I still think that's a fucking asshole move. I don't think it happened yet. It's like skateboarders before they knew how to slide down a railing. They just went up and down in an empty pool.

There were two kinds of people back then, those who had members-only jackets and those who didn't. In 83, I went to Francis Crick in Wisconsin because my grandfather was dying. And I remember I had sandals on, like Flo Ho sandals because I was from Southern California, surf culture. And guys in the bar called the Back 40 were seeing who could hit me

with flicked matches to land on my feet. I remember that. They're like termites here. I had no idea they were all fucking... My ex, Victoria, they were all my ex victoria they were all in a punk rock and her boyfriend she said at the time would go to whatever the phoenix punk rock club he'd throw darts into the mosh pits yeah wow me and my brother threw milk duds at the movie theater just people randomly i feel like like that's the fucking precursor to a school

shooter like just randomly hitting people with a milk dud i wish i could still do that i can i can i can go to a movie and get milk duds and throw them at fucking you should do it now that you're grown and you're on stage you should throw it back at the audience. I was like you once. Whap. Whap. So Hartford. No, not at Worcester. No, we're going backwards. But the guy came in with a backpack.

I know. That's where I'm going back to. All right. Because there were. I wonder if John Lennon watched that guy undo his backpack and set it down. Hinkley? Yeah, Hinkley. I wonder if Hinkley sat down his backpack and set it down. Hinkley? Yeah, Hinkley. I went to Hinkley, sat down his backpack, and got a selfie first or whatever.

Maybe he's good in a camera. So Ralph's. Oh, whatever. Sure, sure, young man. I told Hennigan. I gave Hennigan shit. I go, we can't do any more of these fucking standing gigs. He goes, Ralph, you told me to book that. I go, I fucked up up what do you say that's

funny i'm just thinking about you you know how fucking john lennon selfies are fucking a wish you know anyway sorry no i smoke right there i used to smoke marijuana i don't now because i'm on a probationary period but if i did that would be one of those moments whereas i'm a little bit high i'm just laughing in my own head and when you're not on a probation period oh that's yeah yeah i'm back and say what really there's a responsible drug user when i can come back and i've learned my lesson and the slap on the wrist is healed up put some lanocaine on it uh i know better i made some rough choices and it was to not shoot the cop when he fucking pulled me over. It was a learning experience.

Yeah. You know, you had your pot era from the time you were a child until you were 52 years old. Yeah, that's what clarity offered me, is a look back and a glimpse of the future. It was that cop that pulled you over that made you see, hey, this is the time that i have to make some changes for the last 40 years i i guess i had a few missteps but that one cop that pulled me over he probably saved my life gave me a stern look oh yeah no the one who made me see through my mistakes. Yeah. And, in fact, I mean, I didn't. Well, there was a time where I was angry about it, where I wrote down both of their addresses in a little brief history. Stop, stop, stop.

Stop. No, the system. Anyway, yeah. Let's get back to Ralph's. I'm still on probation, but Ralph's is not. Ralph's Chadwick Square Diner. That was the third from last show where I did tell Brian Hennigan, oh, book Ralph's. My Homecoming, I've done it twice, and I forget because it's so long

between times that it's a bad mistake. You've done three, they told me. That was the third. That was the third. Oh, you're going backwards. Yeah, twice before in the last 10, 11 years. But it worked third. Oh, you're going backwards. Twice before in the last 10, 11 years. But it worked out, right? The show? That was the worst

audience. Oh, yeah, yeah. Interruptus. Yeah. A lot of... Interrupt... Alright, let's go back to last night. Providence, Rhode Island. It's a comedy club. It's a nice comedy club. Small, 240 seaters.

Seated. And on a Tuesday night. Did you explain seated versus standing? I mean, it's obvious. Yeah. But rock and roll clubs, you've been to a rock and roll club. Hey, some band you never heard of is there and you're all gonna wedge in like as you said great white push to the front yeah yeah i always

like to bring up the possibilities of fucking our imminent demise in those situations like you know we could all fucking burn to death all the exits are blocked or whatever. So this, yeah, last night in Providence, seemed like it's going to go swimmingly. My cousins were there. They're older. They're in their 60s. They're retired. The joke I made was, like, they're important straight people.

I go, he's like the governor and she's a nun. Yeah, a mayor and a nun. Yeah, but he had some high political position or something. Her husband? Yeah. Okay, yeah. They're great people. He had nice teeth.

Yeah. Yeah, he seemed to be like a... A bald guy that you go, I wish I was that cool of bald. Yeah. He had a nice head. Perfect shaped head. Perfect tan. Oh, retired tan.

You said they're retired, right? Yeah. That made sense. Probably works out. She said the greatest compliment I ever got was from Bingo because they had been at a show at Ralph's 10 years ago and talked to her when she was at her craziest. She was probably bald back then, too, and she was the only better bald head than Denise's husband. She said, I was talking to Bingo about whatever, the scripture or however she phrased. She's a big Jesusesus yeah oh no and the

good word and bingo said you're the coolest christian i've ever met you're they're all like something to that effect where she wasn't preachy but she just said what she believed in and said i understand if you don't believe in that. Not a lot of Christians can say that. Here's the problem. When you do stand up comedy and you're playing a place where you know people, you can't make it secret from them. Like, this is my job. Oh, you're a traveling salesman.

I see you're going to be selling vacuum cleaners in eau claire i'm going to come to your gig well i'm selling vacuum cleaners this is an inappropriate time i don't always want to socialize on the job and that's my daytime mood. I wake up. I'm like, fuck, I forgot. David and Denise are coming. And in the morning, I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to yell at people. You listen to the podcast. I yell at anyone.

Fast food. I'm just angry. I enjoy the angry morning, Doug. And that's why it sucks we've been staying in such nice hotels, because I really liked that fucking when you cheesed off at us. No, we're getting back to that, because there's a hotel when we go backwards on this tour. Yeah, there's nothing quite like Doug pissed off in the morning and then taking it out on a low-level schlub who created

a problem by being such a low-level schlub. Or proximity. Oh, fuck a problem. Was that this morning? Where I was going to stiff? Oh, yeah. Hampton, Providence. Was that that?

Yeah, they have breakfast. It's a $15 buffet, but you can't order off the menu. I go, I just want one egg and one piece of toast. That's what I eat. The minimum amount of food that will get the car to the next destination. It's fuel. They have a bill to breakfast that says two by three by four.

Oh, and you know what? I want one and one and one, and they don't know what to do. Well, it was a $14 omelet for me, and I puked it up. So basically, they were like, what the fuck is that? I go, I just want to order off the menu. You can't do that. If you can't keep down a $14 fucking omelet, then you have no business fucking eating. They fucking served me.

Obviously I was already fucking full of eggs. They shouldn't have been serving me. She's a Providence waitress that acted like she worked at Walpole. No, we don't have that. No, you can't order off the menu. It's just a buffet. I just wanted one egg and one piece of toast.

She was like a cunty teacher that had favorite students and we weren't them. Because she was nice to everybody else, but she was cunty to us and real dismissive. So then Doug told her how he was just going to order everything because it was $14. We're going to pancakes and French toast. And she goes, well, you better get all your orders in now because he's going to stop cooking in 10. We're closing in five minutes. Yeah.

Give me everything. Which? Bacon. I want everything. Canadian bacon. Get rid of that. Cut to me doing a load of wash and running back up to the room before I realized you guys had gone to breakfast.

And Doug has just opened up a clamshell to-go container with everything stuffed in there. Waffles, pancakes. Four plates of food. French toast, omelets, pancakes, French toast, omelets, sausage, bacon. You got stuff you knew we weren't going to eat just to pull it off. I wanted every fucking thing.

If I can't just get a reasonably priced one egg and one single piece of toast, which if I haven't bitched about this on the podcast, you can't get one piece of toast. I just want one egg about this on the podcast. We've talked about this, yeah. Yeah, you can't get one piece of toast. I just want one egg and a piece of toast. Oh, you get two pieces.

I don't want two pieces. I don't want to waste it. So I got fucking everything. And let's not confuse this with being picky. You don't want to waste. That's all it is. Instead of putting two pieces of toast in the toaster, just put one piece of toast and then cut it in half and I'll eat that.

Yeah. And if you're a fucking mom or whatever, then just, you know, put the other half an egg on the back burner and take it home to your kid or whatever. Don't give it to him. Skim a little bit. You got to have one piece of toast. Take it home. Oh, I got your trailers. You're kind of into that, too, right?

Don't waste food. Oh, no. Just make what you're going eat or yeah or and and you are very polite about it and when you get the odd person like this because they always say like no no honey it's three eggs we'll do it it's like i'll pay the same just want one egg and then they understand most people understand at the bar last night before oh i gotta get back to get back to Denise and David. All right, let me finish that because it's very important. We can talk about your breakfast regimen forever.

I was in that mood where, all right, fucking, I can't make secret shows because I have to promote them, and you can't say, oh, this show only for people I don't know because I'm not in the mood to socialize for whatever reason. And on this tour, I've had a lot of reasons, nothing dark and secret, just shit I don't want to talk about, where I felt that way when she's, oh, shit, Denise and David. And then we get to the bar early. We met them early at the hotel. And as soon as they showed up, I remember how much, again, I wouldn't say born again.

She's probably always been Christian. I don't ask a lot of questions. But a heavy Christian butt gets the jokes and she's happy to be there. And I was so happy because I forgot last time when she was at Ralph's 10 years ago and then they were in Boston and I really love their company. But that's at five o'clock. I get a couple of drinks at happy hour. They show up at 6. And we have a nice discourse for an hour.

And I go, oh, wow, I wish we had more time and didn't have this bothersome show I have to do. I know they'll swear they don't feel obligated, but they do. They feel like they still have a sense of family, where at this point in my life, my family is you guys. Blood relative, I made a joke something about, that's like saying, oh, you have hep C too? Yeah, the same blood. No, no.

Hey, Shaley, write that down. Yeah, Shaley. I had so much fun with them and marianne hanley who brought me a toy it's a long story yeah do you remember that thing like yeah it's in the van i know but did you remember like she no no it's like it's a three-year-old yeah no yeah it looks like a she was my next one she's in the book she's the one that actually showed up in Hollywood when I was 18. Yeah, digging up mother. And she showed up. Yeah, the old neighbor. And she showed up with her punk rock boyfriend and their dog and squatted in my illegal flat.

Fucking basement apartment with their dog. Anyway, it was her. Her mother, when I was a kid, evidently, I had a yard sale with my toys because I wanted a better toy. So I had a yard sale, and it's on a side street. No one drives up and down. And so her mom came over, who is now 93 years old. When I was a kid, came over and bought my play school mailbox.

Mailbox with like... But you put the block through the block and put the circle through the circle. And she remembered that she had that and sent it with Marianne, her daughter, to give me. I don't know if you're going to remember this. Well, you'd be like two or three. If you remember two or three, it has to be very tragic. Cows go moo.

The cow goes moo. Moo. No, I don't. I guess I do. It's familiar. The horse goes meerr. That's what Mary Ann said to me. Do you remember it?

I go, I remember every single kid had one of these, but I don't remember actually getting the block right. I remember the hokey pokey if somebody played it instinctively. Squares are still square, right? Yeah, yeah. All right, Tracy, our bartender. What are you having? All right, so yeah.

What are you drinking? It so yeah What are you drinking? It was really nice to see them And they sit through whatever you make me I don't give a fuck You know what make me a Manhattan Because we have those in that bottle That's going to get thrown away The pre-made Manhattans The cherries leaked all over

I threw them away a while ago I don't need the cherry It says man on the But they do feel, I know it's a family obligation that I don't have anymore. We'll go to the show. You're going to hate the show.

You don't like the show. So what I do in that situation is I make fun of them throughout the show because I don't care how strong your Jesus is, it ain't stronger than your ego and people like to have the fluff taken out of them so i you know you mentioned them a lot and they love it turns out a pa is louder i'm glad you didn't warn me like you got christian relatives coming to this show to maybe like if i can ease off or something because then i would have done

is the less atheist bit where i go at least they'll like my closer but then i fucked up my whole act because let's get into that chaley explain to what happened at portland why i got my whole fucking act screwed up first of all wait portland was empire no no oh sorry providence i mean last night uh providence connection Andy's on stage. Portland was Empire. No, no. Oh, sorry. Providence, I mean. Last night. Providence. Comedy Connection. Comedy Connection. One chick, and comics will understand this.

I'm standing in the wings by the kitchen. The bank vault. And the couple that is closest to me facing the stage, I'm at their back. Chick won't stop talking. that is closest to me facing the stage. I'm at their back. Chick won't stop talking. Man, man, man. Guy in front of her turns around and goes,

just shut the fuck up. This is half-brow seating where people are seated at a long table facing towards the stage and you're seated with people you don't know. Either way, everyone's facing the stage in a comedy show this guy turns around and just fucking shut the fuck up just watch the fucking show if you're a audience member don't do that. Tell a staff member. Yeah. Politely. Because she's like Providence hot for her age. I mean, there's a lot of handicaps.

But she's with a dude that thinks, oh, my God. Besides the accent. I can't believe this guy, girl is out with me. He's like this older, fat, circle-spined like us. Like when I drape myself on Juggie Cathy for a second. It's like, that doesn't look right. Deep cut.

What that starts is this guy now has to think, do I stand up for her and try to fight the guy where he obviously couldn't nor did that guy want to fight because they both agree that she's a tool that is too drunk to shut the fuck up but he's trying to fuck the girl so he's in a quandary. Yeah. The guy wants to hear the show, the yield. Yeah, how much you concede to getting pussy. So I'm trying to watch your set.

I always have to watch Andy's set to see where he's going to go off the rails or where he's going to lead me into a bit that I want to do that I can segue from. But I'm not. I'm watching this whole transaction, and I go, all right, I'm going to have to have her thrown out right away. But I got past that. I told her, listen, you got to shut the fuck up or you're going to get thrown out.

I don't want to do that to you, but I know you're so drunk that you will never recover, and you seem like you're unable. Because after that guy yelled at her i whispered in her ear i go he doesn't have a good bedside manner but he's right you really need to stop talking because it's a show on people and she shut up for about four minutes then started talking again then i the by now we got all the wait staff Don't chew ice in the microphone. I know. I got it.

Just put the microphone down when you chew. Yeah. We can wait for those pearls of wisdom. Just relax. Yeah. Okay. So then I think that's over with. About 15 minutes into my set, there's a kerfuffle.

Again, this is a small place. This is a 240 cramped cedar. And to my hard right, I see people scrambling. I thought it was a fist fight. There was a commotion. You get the lights in your eyes. There's a commotion. Everyone's staring at it.

And you know that staff is on high alert for the blonde. For the other one. So you're already hyper aware not the same problem this is a new problem i didn't find out till the end because i have now i have to go like tap dancing all right i'm not going to try to work material here because everyone's staring at whatever it is, a fist fight, a violent death, an ISIS bombing. I don't know. I just know that everyone's in a... Cluster, yeah, yeah. Security's rushing.

People have fallen down. People are standing up. You did handle it. I was surprised because I thought... You haven't recorded? Oh, yeah. You could drop it in right there, a little bit of it. All right.

Or you don't. And if you don't... Wait, wait. Hold could drop it in right there, a little bit of it. All right. Or you don't. And if you don't, you... Wait, hold on, hold on. Shaylee, write it down. Shaylee, write it down. Note. If we don't, we don't. Yeah, if we don't, we don't, because we're so backed up on podcasts.

This is what I remember. When I went out there, I also... It's like an opioid constipation. We're so backed up. Literally. Well, I could use some help, guys. So I remember seeing you, and you made a decision. I just saw it in your face that, like, oh, this is different.

It wasn't the kind of commotion where, like, you didn't see, like, a big dust. Like in cartoons, there's this big dust thing with sparks coming out of it. It was you realized, and then you moved on. This is going to last for a while. This was a medical issue and that was they immediately got everyone up because this table. Someone was on the floor. I don't know why, but he ain't getting

up right away. Do you even know what happened? I found out after the fact. In the meantime, I had to spend several minutes shucking and jiving. Trying not to look. And then I go, I'm already in the middle of a bit that's a long bit, and if I don't get back to it, I can't start it over. Let's just sell the shit out of this bit, which I think I did pretty well.

Yeah, because I heard the beginning of the kerfuffle, and then I didn't hear that much, and I could hear you. So it was like, oh, I didn't know it was a serious medical situation. where evidently the guy tried to stand up drunk from what we hear, fell, smashed his face on the table. This is what I heard from the staff afterwards. Wait. I want to hear his whole thing. Started bleeding, had a seizure.

Then they carried him out and the fire trucks came and at some point I made a joke because there was like a six top that was gone in a sold out show and I go oh that's one of my bucket list things is to sell out the exact

same show twice I offend enough people that leave or they're too drunk that they get thrown out or they fucking have fights and then I look back 20-30 minutes later there's four people

sitting at that table and I go are these the friends that came back that had to be no one's waiting in line for a sold out show that long. So what happened? You're smirking at me. Because the people that were sitting at the table got up. They didn't even know the guy, but they saw what happened.

And then now they're standing in that station right in front of the green room, which is a vault. It's an old bank. And I went out there to see what was happening. That's when I saw you react. And I pulled a bunch of those people into the green room so they were out of the way because I found out what happened. The guy was sitting there and he just, he didn't try to get up. He just fell over. He passed out. And when they lifted him up, he was bleeding on his head, his forehead. And all of a sudden he went into a seizure. So he blacked out, went into a seizure. And then everyone from the table was

like freaking out. And then the staff went over there, and then everyone from the table was freaking out. And then the staff went over there and then pulled everyone on the table off. And that's when you looked over and saw no one at that table. But it took a while to get him up because when he was having the seizure, he was off the chair and I guess on the ground or something. And then when they finally got him out of there, it took a while to get him out of there. And they tried to get only the people that knew him to help. Okay. So it was his fault. Yeah. He drank himself. So fuck him. while to get him out of there and they tried to get only the people that knew him to to help okay so it was his fault yeah he drank himself so fuck him like i was so wrong and the only detail i had

wrong as he stood up i assumed if he hit his head so hard that he bled it was standing no he he give him some space everybody he's an alcoholic give him some space He might swallow his tongue. He's an alcoholic. But I smirked because it was funny because selling it out twice, those people that were kind enough to get out of the way so the staff could get this guy out, it took a while to get him out. They just came back. They just went back out there.

Either way, it was just enough kerfuffle that it made it. That's why you go to live comedy and not just watch Netflix, because everything's perfect on Netflix. And if it wasn't, they edited it out. Edited it, as always. But it was just enough to make chaos to kind of brand my market. But it didn't fuck up the show. No. That was great.

Yeah, because everybody, that moment where they look, you know, that's why you slow down on the freeway. It's right there at a table away. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Here I am. Ringside seat for drama. Love it.

Night before, Ralph's. That was not chaos. for drama. Love it. Night before, Ralph's. That was not chaos. That was the opposite. That was, again, that was yet another standing show, which we're not supposed to do. But that one specifically, Ralph's,

I told Brian, oh, book Ralph's. We haven't done that. Punk rock bar, oh, Book Ralphs. We haven't done that. Punk Rock Bar upstairs. New England in the summer. Humid, stanky, ranky. No air conditioning. Jammed in. 188 people.

All pushed. people all pushed I'm scared because I'm afraid of people that might remember me from middle school that I don't remember at all

they all knew you no one could hold back I didn't talk to people that were like me and Doug and doggy we go way back way back and i'm like how is everyone that was great oh he was great yeah that big fucking dude too who was that done yeah he was a i wish i had a good analogy he was like a he was like franken begley jr franken begley like frankenberry and ed begley yeah frankenstein and ed begley i was thinking

frankenberry ed begley jr was six foot nine and just sat there squat and stared at his knees during middle school and i thought oh i can pick on him because everyone picks on me but that guy just stares at his knees all the time. And one time I tried to fuck with him and he threw me up against the wall. I'm sure there's a movie scene that I can't remember that's like that. Yeah, my bodyguard. Yeah, yeah. It's just, yeah, fuck yeah.

I was just thinking my bodyguard. Leave the kid alone. Yeah. Hey, we need to take a break because we need to do that spot. All right. So get to it. Just weave into it. Weave into it.

There's nothing else to say about Ralph's. Ralph's is where the guy is. I snuck in there with no fake ID when I was like 16 or 17 just because there was no one watching the door and we snuck in and it took about four minutes before someone spotted me because I looked like I was 12 and you gotta go

but I was so enamored that I still I just shouldn't play there I love it still great bar if you like filthy punk rock bars Ralph's is your place. I will never play there again. I'm too old.

And now, after the break, page two. All right, people. ProFlowers, do we say.com? Sometimes they don't want you to say.com. Proflowers.com. Andy Andrus. www.proflowers.com. Welcome to 1998.

Yeah, you got to put them W's up there. That's a lot of syllables. Whoever came up with www. lot of syllables whoever came up with w w w well the same people who probably labeled w w w the world wrestling or w you know wwe world wide web yeah it's uh it's stupid it's uh more syllables to say that than the words but let's not fuck with the internet let's not get bogged down in details when you got to get a lady when's the last time you gave someone flowers uh probably pretty recently because i i sometimes grow them or i just clip them in my yard like a fucking nancy i go out and create a little fucking joy basket and right in my yard and he's the guy that, oh, you have cancer and you're dying.

Are you going to use all those Oxycontin? Can I have one? And then he tries to chop it up and snort it, but they made some kind of new unsnortable Oxycontin that turns into a gummy bear in his nose. Yet at home, a white picket fence and he grows flowers yeah yeah the opioid addiction and flowers are in two baskets that america has pretty full at times so you cut you cut like right out of your garden yeah yeah here's a day lily with aphids. Sometimes I'll borrow from a neighbor or two. But, yeah. Or a grave site.

Yeah. And sometimes if you just give flowers, people are happy. It doesn't matter if you stole them off of somebody's grave or, you know, somebody's, you know, you can borrow flowers from a grave and then arrange two or three and make it a nice birthday bouquet. You know what? On Mother's Day, if your mother's dead, she doesn't care about flowers on her grave. Give those flowers to someone like a Walmart greeter. Just go, hey, I got these for you, old man that still has to work at 79 years old saying, oh, no, Trump's going to make the economy great again. Hope against hope.

You see a sniper up in a bell tower, maybe a nice bouquet of flowers might talk him down. The problem is it's hard to be unpredictable. If you see someone with a sniper rifle, you want to be able to do that right then. That's a moment where you like if you could just get online, you could take care of it. Every time we've talked about pro flowers, I say I like to give flowers to people for no reason. Oh, it's Valentine's Day, you have to, which you know is

a scam. But you know, flowers are beautiful. They're going to die soon anyway. They don't care about their kids. Give them to someone for no reason at all. I like to give them to people that I don't really like. Yeah, don't be lame like you go to a bar and get a rose and then hand it to somebody who's not going to fuck you. Exactly.

Yeah, give it to some hobo. He might fuck you. Andy, I buy flowers for myself all the time. Oh, I know. I've I've seen it I've seen it it queers me out but uh I like flowers yeah yeah yeah pro flowers was gonna send us something for for this commercial and and I said Doug we're not gonna be at the house what do we do and Doug said I don't know and I said I said I'll take care of it we'll send it to denise she take care of uh the merch the merch while we're away that's why you're getting merch when we can we can be on the road for a month and you still get flowers sent to her and you know why because

she just paid off her car she posted it on facebook she was happy that she paid off her car and i said that's enough of a reason, and just sent it. And she had no idea. And then she posted online. She had no idea who sent these, but thank you. She thought she was finally going to find a husband, and it's just because she sent people some dumb CD and a T-shirt. Very efficiently. Sometimes you can send flowers and break someone's heart.

You could do that to an ex. You could send proflowers.com to a girl that dumped you and go, Hey, I really enjoyed our time. The other, oh my God. There's like 10 other people she might think it was from. Predictability is boring. Surprise someone. Absolutely.

Yeah, send flowers to someone you hate. And they do it quickly? Hey, right now you can send Pro Flowers, Farm Stand flowers, and get 20% off the collection or any of their other unique exclusives. Fuck, that sounds like I'm reading it. Sorry. Yeah, no, you read it. That's your job. You read this stuff, and we give it color. Or we mock you for reading it. Send Pro Flowers, you read it. That's your job. You read this stuff, and we give it color.

Or we mock you for reading it. Satin Pro Flowers, Farmstead Flowers. That's what Denise got. And get 20% off of this collection or any of the other unique exclusive bouquets of $29. Wow, you know a lot about flowers. You have to use the promo code so we can pay Chaley to do these commercials because we don't do commercials for shit we don't like. Doug, you're getting way ahead of yourself.

You're getting way ahead of yourself. Yeah. These flowers are guaranteed to stay fresh for at least seven days or your money back. That sounds like some kind of GMO or HGH. How can a flower stay alive for seven days? It's their secret and your benefit. Have you ever seen a Monsanto mum? They're beautiful.

A Monsanto? Each one is beautiful like the other one. Do you mean Monsanto? Yeah. But still, you got the mum. He did. He got the easiest part right. I always say send flowers to people you hate with someone else's name on it.

I love the fact that people could get flowers, and they have a bunch of people that they think it could come from, and it's not the one. Yeah, and I was molested as a kid, and I send a nice basket of flowers to my molester out in Florida every Father's Day. That's awesome. And you know what? You're getting 20% off of your Farm Stand flowers for any other bouquet or any other bouquet of $29 or more. All you got to do is go to proflowers.com and use Doug's code Stanhope at checkout. It's secret. Code Stanhope at checkout.

It's secret. That means they need to know who's actually doing the business, who's actually selling this. Stanhope, they don't go, oh, Stanhope gets special prices. No, they have to know that my listeners are actually doing this shit, and that way we keep promoting them. That's proflowers.com and the code Stanhope. And all you do is you put that – You pause like you're cutting that out.

No, no, no. I just got to be able to get it in there. The code Stanhope, you put it in right at the beginning, and it takes it off right away as soon as you pick one of the flowers. All right. Or you add a vase or you add chocolates. A vase. I think we say vase. Doug, we actually sent flowers to Tracy when she had to leave the tour for a week.

Well, she shouldn't have had to leave the tour. She had to fix that black eye you gave her. Well, that was part of the note. I don't know what you wrote on the card, but it wasn't enough. Well, a lot of people fall down the stairs in the elevator. Can you write a note with ProFlowers? Yes, you can. You Can you write a note with ProFlowers? Yes, you can. You can actually write a note.

And the greatest thing is you can choose any perfect surprise bouquet. It's simple and it's quick. You do it right online and you put in that code Stanhope and you get the 20% off the bouquet. To get 20% off your Farmstan flowers or any other bouquet of $29 or more, go to ProFlowers.com and use the code Stanhope at checkout. That's proflowers.com and code Stanhope. Yeah, that's proflowers.com. Use the promo code Stanhope.

That's a commercial. Don't wait to make someone's day. Go ahead and be unpredictable. Very unpredictable. Portland, Maine. We're going back to Portland quickly because that was – unpredictable. Portland, Maine. We're going back to Portland quickly. Portland was great.

We actually walked around for the first time. Yeah, we had an outing and went and got some fried clams. Yeah, we're back. We're back. I know we're back. You need to acknowledge that we're back. What, they hear that we're still talking and they think it's still a Pro Flowers commercial?

No. All right, we're back. Hey, hi. Hey, everybody. Hello. Hey, buddy. So we're in Portland the night before the other night that we talked about, and Portland was great. It was part of the Portland Comedy Festival.

And Portland was great. It was part of the Portland Comedy Festival. And we walked around and we got whole belly clams. We walked for the first time. Yeah, we walked like seven or eight blocks. And I have an ingrown toenail. It was torturous. I'm not allergic to lobster, we found out. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Because Shaley wasn't sure. When was the last time you had it before this trip? Probably 10 or 15 years ago. And you got all fucked up from it? Three times within, like, two years. What happened? Did you get all, like, rocky face?

Like, vomitous. Oh. Yeah, like, really bad. Well, in New England, McDonald's sells the McLobster roll. In New England, McDonald's sells the McLobster roll. Yeah. And Chaley saw that early on, and he's like, is that really a thing? And I said, that was my dad's favorite lobster. It's like on the reader board.

Yeah. Like, don't they already know it's there? But there was like McDonald's in New Mexico that had the Hatch Green Chili Burger or something. They do localize some weird shit. But Chaley is like, I should try that, but I'm allergic to lobster, which I always forget every time I try to get them to eat lobster. But then when I went to get whole belly clams, which you can't get anywhere else in the country,

any red lobster, any seafood, whole belly fried clams you cannot get outside of New England. Hang on. Or Key West. Can you explain exactly what that means, a whole belly clam? Have you ever eaten a steamed clam? Razor. Yeah, with a whole belly. Like you can get clam strips strips which is just the neck frozen

you can get those at Safeway and Bisbee but with the big wet phlegm belly it's the sand you chew into it and you feel the grit of the sand that's good luck by the way seven years of winter

you ever dig those cock looking clams Seven years of winter. You ever dig those cock-looking clams? Whoa, whoa. We're talking about shellfish. Yeah, it's the shellfish. You dig these clams up. They have like a big dick. Gooey duck.

Mussels. Gooey duck, yeah. Gooey duck. Yeah, so you go down, and this is when I went clamming not long after I'd been molested. So it was similar. It's a Northwestern. I had to dig those big holes. He'd run away from home, and it's the only way he could eat on the coast of Oregon. Naked and afraid.

Yeah. And he felt like his whole life, just the big, long things were going to be put in front of him. And after his molestation, looked like Artie Lang's nose. Artie. Artie's doing well, right? Shout-outs to Artie like Artie Lang's nose. Artie. Artie's doing well, right? Shout outs to Artie. Sometimes these podcasts don't go up for weeks, so we're hoping for the best.

Get well sooner. Rest in peace, bro. Whichever way it goes. Enjoy every sandwich I saw you eat. Alright. We're always off topic. Portland was great. They're very welcoming.

We had a blast. The Uphills were there from Bisbee. Yeah, our neighbors, Uphill, Kim, and Dave were at the show. All right. Let's move on. Where was I when I disappeared? That was like early on. That was way early.

We're going backwards. I like this going backwards. Better than trying to remember. To show how much we forget. You keep notes. Thank you. The whole Portland scene was great. We did stuff.

We felt like we were actually enjoying touring. Oh, the Speakeasy. The Lincoln. The Lincoln. Well, you can't tell them about the Lincoln. It's a Speakeasy. We bought t-shirts. They're telling everyone about the Lincoln. Let's keep up the mystique that they

don't really have. I said Speakeasy because we found a couple in the last few years and now they're becoming a thing like moonshine was hey we got moonshine remember that time at the relapse in atlanta and someone brought actual they made it in their fucking backyard somewhere in georgia where deliverance was filmed and they were passing it around and we had to throw people out. It got crazy. But now Moonshine is they sell it in liquor stores and it's not really Moonshine

the same way Absinthe is not anything other than another fucking high-powered alcohol. Disgusting drink. Now speakeasies. Oh, no, there's actually a few speakeasies in town. Do you know about the one? Yeah,

it's always a bookcase that you have to push open and it's a fucking bar. We still couldn't get in. But it was cool as shit. Yeah, we didn't know. We were knocking on the glass. We just stood up the window like kids trying to get in a bar. The one, I can't remember the name. The one in Milwaukee was the first one.

The safe house, I think it's called in Milwaukee. Are they? Probably not. But they do a thing, and you have to go. And again, it's a bookcase, and it's a door that says import, export something. And you go in, and you just stand there. And then they have a camera, and they're all watching you inside the bar.

And they go, what's the password? And you go, I don't know. Some guy told me to come here, and I forgot. And they go, all right, come in. Push the bookcase. And it was cool the first time, but now it's kind of becoming, I still like it. You know how their bullshit is if you were to lay down a bump,

do a bump on the table, and they're like, fucking freak out. We could lose our liquor license. What? Come on, man. Great character, will you? Real speakeasy, I can smoke. Yeah. Where's the ashtray?

Yeah, yeah. Well, then it would have to be a club. And we've been to places like that where you have to sign a ledger and have some dues or something that you pay. That's what I... Stumblers. I really want to do in Bisbee is start a private club. Oh, well, speakeasy. We have it.

It's called the Funhouse. I know. That's why I'm not doing it. Yeah. A misdirect bar. The deal with... I like your thinking there. Yeah, yeah.

The thing with the speakeasies is you have to be willing to risk having a night where no one shows up. If you're trying to get more asses in the seats, that's not a speakeasy. That would be the best night ever in a speakeasy. I know. Fuck yeah. The night we were there was nice. The thing is, you do memberships. I agree.

This is how Utah, and I might be completely wrong on the specifics. I agree. and then they write your name down, you pay $5, and then you drink for the night. So what you do is, hey, you want to come to the Fun House, it's a $1,000 membership fee, even though you're just road tripping from Pensacola to Santa Cruz, and you emailed me saying, I really just want my bucket list is to drink one night with Doug Stano. Well, you have to be a lifetime member for $1,000. How come you've never told me this?

This is brilliant. It is. And we do take credit cards. I've had so many brilliant ideas tonight. We take credit cards. Yeah. So commute from Pensacola back and forth, and you'll always be welcome, even if no one's here. Yeah.

You'll be in the bar, even if they move there. They'll be a bartender. It's still feasible. Well, it's when we're open, which is when I'm there and in the mood. But if you're a member, there's always a bartender. Hours vary by mood and availability. Fine print on the back of the membership card. There's always fine print.

So that was Portland. Yeah. Let's get back to fucking day before is Manchester. Yeah. Shaskine. That was the first. Another standing room only. That was theaskin. That was the first. Another standing room only. That was the first one.

That was the first one. And it was, that was a 6 p.m. show. Five o'clock. I think that's the first time I yelled at Hennigan. Go, what the fuck are you doing? This is a standing room in the summer where the light is blaring into my eyes. We've had four shows where the sunlight was coming through. Yeah, the crowd's all sunburned.

Standing in line. From the show. From inside the show. The sunburn's coming from inside the show. You must get sunblock into the show. Henninga did put on our rider sunblock on four of the shows. Yeah, Nick, I'll put on I want some sunglasses next time we do a 6 o'clock show.

I fucking hate squinting. When I shit on all these shows, the crowds, except for Worcester, were great and toughed it out. But that was another one where they're just jammed in standing 6 p.m. hard out at 730. No green room. No parking. Yeah, it's like they went through the same vetting process or the same process on the man show where you just had to sit through fucking misery and then you finally get in there and get your two beers.

Oh, as an audience member. I mean, they sit in bleachers. They get to sit down or whatever, but that's what standing room is. They have the same dull look on their face from being tortured. No, they were a great crowd, I thought. Oh, no, yeah, but I mean just in general. Well, I didn't see your set. Oh, sure.

I don't know what you did, but Manchester. Hold on, fun parts and he went back to old material and then you went up and did his material better than i've done that so many times he went way back and uh even frank and kara who were there were talking about like oh wow he went way back and couldn't get it right yeah yeah. Yeah. It was fun. The fun parts of Manchester, we had the day before Manchester off, so we're in the same hotel for two days. And it was the hotel that was the fun shit,

because that's where we showed up. There's a few hotels where they had weddings. Our show was on a Sunday. We showed up on a Saturday. Yeah. We like to take weekends off because weekends are the worst people. And we pull in on a Saturday, which is our day off, and we see a lot of things going on. Yeah. A lot of children.

A lot of girls. Yeah. Whenever you get to a hotel, like a big lobby, I always look for a theme. In that one, it was really apparent there was a theme going on. Andy, you have a daughter. I have a daughter who did ice skating, so it was a similar vibe. What age were they?

Because I wouldn't know if they're 6 or 14 or what. Well, they went from John Bonnet to Scrumptious, age-wise, because there was actually some adult, or not adult, but at least legal dancers, I think. No, there was no 18. No, no, no, no. I don't know. Those were moms.

Yeah. I did get confused a couple times. No, no. Really? There was a lot of very short dance moms on TV. really but there's a lot of the moms very short dance moms on tv yeah it was a lot it was the dance moms and then they all try to distance themselves from the behavior of the other dance of the you know like the show but it was mostly john bonnet's yeah yeah i went in i snuck in uh uh and watched some of the dancing. So basically what this is,

it's a convention. It's the creepiest thing I've ever heard. I didn't take that many pictures. It's a convention wrapped around a competition. This is a moneymaker. It's a comedy competition. What was it? Step up to dance.

No, yeah, step up the number two dance. Yeah, to dance. It's basically a JonBenet beauty pageant for dancing rather than beauty. Well, and how come people don't pitch about this? Because the trophies, there's so many fucking trophies. I don't know how many dance groups were there, but everybody gets a fucking trophy. Yeah. It's like soccer, dude.

And nobody complains about chicks getting them for fucking dance. That's America, dude. Everyone gets a trophy. You lost. Yeah, no, but we had. No, hang on, hang on. Okay. The first day, our day off, Andy and I are day drinking at the hotel bar.

I go out to smoke. I am off of a big runner drunk the night before. You weren't there. No, and I wasn't drinking. Yeah, he was sleeping during the day. I know. I wasn't drinking, and you guys were immediately. Right.

So day off. Just setting it up. So we were drinking at the bar, and then we rode the elevator up, and then the dance moms were in the elevator. So then I just. No, no. I'm earlier than this. Okay, earlier.

Earlier, we just sat down to drink when we first got to the hotel, and I went out to smoke, and two dance moms came out to smoke because everyone in New England smokes even during pregnancy and the one lady came out together and she was like screaming at me like when Bingo came out of the coma and

she said I have to pee and the calls went around to everyone and I'm at the hotel and her mom's there and we're high-fiving. She said she has to pee. And we're just anyone that would listen. My daughter just said, I have to pee. She's in a coma.

Her mom was so ecstatic. This woman came out that ecstatic that she was a dance teacher, dance mom teacher. And she goes, to me, I'm just smoking all hung over from the night before you. They came out to smoke the two of them. And she looked at me because she'd already told the other woman enough time. She goes, six of my eight students just got picked to go to the next level or whatever.

I had six of my students just got picked. And I high fived her and I hugged her. She didn't care. And I just thought of bingo just got picked. And I high-fived her and I hugged her. She didn't care. And I just thought of, bingo has to pee. You need to tell as many people as possible. It's like a pyramid scheme. And then I said, are you like those dance moms? Like the show?

She goes, no, I'm a dance teacher. She's a dance mom. Meaning the other woman is a mother of one of the kids. I scanned the dance moms kids she doesn't even know the show like no i i was kind of being insulting are you a crazy person that fucking molests children's egos with the consent of the parent and uh and then i came back in. I said, oh, six of your eight? So you have two students that are really bummed out? And she goes, yeah, actually, you're right.

I go, I'm sorry. I always find the negative in things, and then I left. And then I went into Andy. I go, go outside at that smoking area and high-five the shorter woman and say, I heard six of your students. No way. Yeah, and he did it. I just went out and I go, fuck yeah, we got it done.

We got it done. And then she's like, I'll be wildered and gave me a five. That was the day I was wearing my yellow polyester leisure jacket, not a sport coat, but a leisure jacket, my yellow shorts. And she asked. Yeah, I was like the weird fan who sees the coach. Well, she asked him, she said, are you with the guy in yellow? Yeah, are you with the man in yellow?

Like, what do you mean? He goes, I don't know any guy in yellow. I don't know no man in yellow. And then we went upstairs, so we're riding the elevator. So going to a lot of ice skating competitions with my kid. Later that night. Yeah. No, you guys obviously were flying high off of this immediate ruse.

Yeah, yeah. No, it was fun because we just kept talking about it. There's a lady that we enjoyed talking to from Atlanta who was there mocking the dance moms because she was a golf mom or whatever. Another disease. who was there mocking the dance moms because she was a golf mom or whatever. But we were first telling her, like, well, we're talent scouts. We're talent scouts. We're going to open a strip club in, like, nine years, and we're here trying to get some talent or whatever. The losers, the ones without trophies. The ones crying.

Yeah, and she was laughing at everything. And then we were just goofing because the fucking ladies were around drinking and stuff, and then Doug, one of them was Doug was talking about, like, he was going to be the drunk judge or, you know, or like, you know, like, let the rumor spread that he was one of the judges. Before that, though, you guys are going up and down the elevator. So we're in an elevator and they just were there. And I like, you know, because I went to a lot of ice skating competitions and you overhear the shittiest stuff. You're versed in how to talk. Yeah. So I was like, you know, there's just a couple of mothers and me and Doug. And I'm like, I think I'm addicted to disappointment. That's why I come to these.

My daughter is such a little shit. She can't dance for shit or whatever and then we're trying to out trash how bad in the elevator with all these dance moms late at night we're just we kept riding we didn't leave the elevator we just stayed in it to fuck with dance moms yeah we're like fucking sugar sugar uh adult kids riding the elevator up and down just to fuck with people. And I'd say, oh, your daughter, my daughter, so I can dance better than her. Yeah, my kids. That's a Brendan Walsh thing I stole from some of his trolling on YouTube. She's fat. She's stupid.

Her mother told her she could do this, but I'm the guy that has to be here on the weekend to look at the embarrassment. And we're trying to out loudly. Every time I see my daughter cry and her mascara runs, she reminds me so much of her mother. Like shit like that. Just say really fucking awful stuff and then stand there. We kept doing this to the point where security management and anyone else, they're following us around. So we forced Shaylee to get up. Hold on.

Shaylee did not. Hold on. You guys were going up and down the elevator with ever getting off on the floor. You would just keep going up and down until finally, after three trips up and down, you came back to the room and said, Shayla, you have to come out and do this. And I'm still hungover from the night before. Yeah. And surly.

Totally surly. And I finally, finally go with you guys. But it was like you were reluctant. Under duress. You were reluctant. You didn't like this thing. Well, I get up, put on some clothes. He's the improv player that says no.

I get up. Doug is stumbly drunk and Andy has now taken off his shirt, taken off his pants and put on shorts. In the room. In the room. Yeah, yeah. Taken off his pants, put on shorts and he just has wearing my overcoat. And wearing an overcoat.

And Doug's like perfect this is and i'm like you're not getting in an elevator i was like let's go right the elevator yeah the m&ms i'm like i'm not doing this and doug's like i don't remember this part doug's like i'm i'm gonna fucking i'm gonna punch you shaley if you don't fucking go down i'm like look at andy and you're like this is perfect i go this is not andy and he looked at himself in the mirror holding the bag of M&M's. It looked like he's naked under a thing. He goes, I'm changing.

Yeah. And I go, I'm going back to bed. I get in bed and Doug goes, Shelly's right. You got to change. And then I went down with you guys. And that was embarrassing as fuck. Well, it got worse the next night because that was our night off. Yeah.

The next night after the show. You pulled up your pants. Oh, yeah. You went full. Wasn't that the next night because that was our night off. The next night after the show. You had pulled up your pants. Oh, yeah. You went full Rain Man retard in the elevator on one of them. We go down. This is the first night. Yeah, weird. We started getting dance kids, like eight girls at a time.

Doug's got his Bermuda, like yellowami fucking 1970s outfit on with his bermuda shorts like right below i push my belly out kind of like how we almost got busted in fucking treasure island 10 years ago yeah so we go we go down to uh we go down to the down to the bottom floor it's andy and i and i go and I got an ice bucket like I and I'm not dressed like you guys and Andy's now wearing regular clothes

and Doug is looking like fucking just ridiculous with his shorts up to his tits. Yeah, like Angus Young's retarded. Yeah. But I have them yanked up over I can bloat out my beer belly

to eight months pregnant. So you guys and I pull my shorts up over it. It's almost the ball hangs out. It's your thing. Yeah. So then you come down and Andy and I are down there. Andy goes in with you and you go, I'm not, I can't do it.

I can't. And you, you both go up and then I go up separately and it's the place is crawling with moms and kids and dads and literally six minute waits for an elevator which doesn't sound like much unless you're waiting for a fucking elevator so i go back up and now doug is fuming mad but he's still got his shorts up of way up above his belly almost to my teeth now he's pissed at andy because now andy's disappeared because andy's like i'm i'm cashed out and so doug's like fucking show you and you actually fucking punched me and said you're fucking going yeah well okay i went full retard i go i'll go once and we go down and god damn it if fucking like two like grown like like x two grown ex-military dudes

with their short dance dads. Dance dads with their short Long Island wives. And then some kids walk in and Doug's on one side of the elevator

and I'm where the buttons are and Doug is now doing his retard thing where he's like I like to dance developmentally disabled sir sorry so he's doing it to a T with his belly his belly hanging out and I'm

standing in front of the thing and I'm like I just want to dance he's like I can dance I can dance and I'm like ladies floor I'm like, ladies, floor. I'm like. J. Lee distances. Yeah.

I don't know you. Ladies, what floor are you going to? Sir, to me, what floor are you going to? I like to dance. That's what started it. Now I see the people in the thing. I'm like, it's the end of the corner. They're looking down.

And then one of them says something like nothing. Like, oh, that's good. Right? But it's like, sir, floor. It's like, I don't stay here. I go up and down. I go up and down. I go up and down.

I really, I can do cerebral palsy and retarded. I know I sound like Carlos Mencia. You know what? But I look retarded. And today I got two different tweets saying that I look like Donald Trump Jr. when I was younger, who I have not called out on Twitter for having a disturbing head because I know I hate him because he's a reflection. Don't get off topic. But yeah, I can do retarded. I was going to say your retarded impression is very presidential,

and then you brought up Trump. Well, the weird thing is you did that, and then I got up, and I go, that's it. I'm done. I can't fucking do this. Yeah, right. Yeah. It was.

But didn't you talk to one of the women? The next day. That was our day off. The next day, these kids, – this is the finals day. We got a show. It's so early. You guys couldn't fuck around. You guys were hung the fuck over.

After the show, since it was so early, we were back at the hotel bar by 8 o'clock. And then people started coming in because now they've got all their shit going on. And some of it's wrapping up. Some of the losers' parents were coming into the bar. And a lady came in and you talked to her and she said, I saw you in the elevator. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she told the story totally relieved that you actually weren't special needs. Monster. And she points to me because we thought she's pointing to me she goes we thought you were the handler i go i certainly was not

with him and she's like no we got out of the elevator we were like i think he was special but he had a handler with him yeah well there's one more up and down there was one this was probably after that ride i i got in there back with uh uh starting to be overtired retard doug and uh and and there was about eight little girls on there and uh then doug was like a slappy retard where he's like i wasn't i was the handler but but I was also getting slapped by the retard and then to have to explain to the kids, he does this sometimes or whatever. Well, Andy and I probably had a plan, I would assume, and Andy went off topic. And I probably slapped him for not sticking to the script that I'd put together.

So he went all Crispin Bale in character and slapped me like six times in front of kids that could testify. Hold on. By the way, you did get cut off on our off night by Karen at the hotel bar. I was having so much fun, which never happens on the road.

Andy is... Go ahead. You happens on the road. Andy is... Go ahead. You can tell the part. The point is, I never have fun on the road. I'm miserable, but I get to a place where I go, alright, this isn't a special, but I have an act.

Finally, I have what I don't even have to think about. I can do an hour and fifteen without thinking about it or reading notes, which after the last several years with all the bullshit and trying to write books and off the road on the road, it was comforting and had a night off. And I was laughing cause we were fucking around.

Andy Andrist, all these people fucking, I brendan walsh i am so envious of because he's still a goofball and i can't remember the last time i was anything other than a curmudgeon on the road and i was having fun and i let my face know it when i was drunk at that bar and they assumed i must be shut off. Hold on. And I'm like, if I was my usual self, I would drink until you were doing side work with the door locked, and you'd go, that guy is fine. But because I was having fun and laughing and drunk, less drunk than I usually am, you get cut off.

And I go, you know what? I'd say the same thing. I'll feel better in the morning drinking less. And I have booze in my room. So good on you. I don't care. I'm having fun. Even you shutting me off.

The fact that I remember that shows you that I wasn't that drunk. Here's what happened before you got cut off i just remembered this we went back down in the elevator after the lady within you did the dance that whole thing we go back down and we start to i i walk out of the elevator and i'm i'm done and i was going to go to to the jd JD's tavern and have a drink and two fucking steps out of the elevator, you start yelling at me and you're like, we're two dance dads that had an argument in the elevator and as I walk across the lobby in front of the front desk to get all the way across the lobby to JD's, you're yelling, don't walk away from me, sir,

because our daughters will prove it on the dance floor. And you're yelling this. And I'm walking. Escalating. Oh, no. I'm walking with my phone up against, trying not to. He's like, walk away. Sir.

Sir. Sir. Walk away. But if you ever say that again about my – this whole thing. And then I get to JD's Tavern and you're following me. It's so much fun. You're stomping. Keep walking.

I'm following you. And then I get into the JD's Tavern where they have some weird lady hostess thing where no one talks to her. Like a tobacco indian like just standing there i was like oh i see andy and he's he's working one of the moms for like an angle and i go oh shit i don't want to fuck this up and as soon as you get there i go i'll just tell doug discreetly let's let's not fuck this up for andy because he's he's got an angle i could see it as i right and i go i turn to you and i go hey doug just relax uh and he's got a thing don't tell me you kept going with the whole thing sir like sir you'll tell me

to relax i'll tell you what i go that's it i'm done now the manager yeah yeah max radison comes over and now i'm like radison really the name we made up for the guy. He came over and I'm like, I'm done. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. And then you stayed and I left. And as I'm walking back through the lobby past the front desk, I hear over the radio. And I hear a guy go, no, I think they're just messing around, but we'll keep an eye on them. They had security.

I remember being shadowed. I called you and told you. think they're just messing around but we'll keep an eye on them they had security yeah i remember being shadowed yeah i called you and told you hey yeah they were having impromptu training at some point i remember as i was going to bed i assume that i remember trying to explain to them how funny it was what we're doing and exactly what we were doing and they did not laugh i go no no that's funny i remember saying that i'm talking like al franken right now after listening put your tasers on tase six hours uh that was uh yeah and that was it for me i went to bed all right so let's get to the fun part that's gonna make me angry or do you do we go to a break because we have one more commercial. Let's go to a break and

then re-drink. Yeah. I'm low. Tracy's bored. We'll be right back. I'm going to do a commercial but it'll be in real time. Please hold. Stamps.com, Andy.

This is about not going to the post office. Andy, you sell CDs. I do. Every three or four years, someone orders one off your... That's a little... Yeah, that'd be a good...

That's generous. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and I go to... In fact, I have a P.O. box. So I go there and I see these long line of dullards that are standing there. And Lori, who just retired, thank God, would yap with every fucking lady in there about, oh, how's your kids and all that. And then everybody, like, I started turning around around and looking just staring off into the distance and uh fucking and then i'd get up there and laurie would always say the same fucking thing the fucking dumb look on her face go thanks for your patience like fucking we deal we're small town so this will never go to the post office again when i lived in la that was as bad as the dmv but now i live in

small town where i know my postman and he knows my name is stan and calls me stan for years but the three people like you're saying in a small town can be as long of a line as 400 in la because they know each other and they want to get yeah we're a community how's you how's the kid in the thing and you this is as bad as la don't go to the fucking post office the thing is today anything you can do at the post office, you can do now right from your desk at Stamps.com. You can buy and print official U.S. postage for any letter or package using your own computer and printer. And unlike the post office, Stamps.com never closes. Ruben, my guy, you know what? I love my post guy at my small town post office just like it was some kind of Andy Griffith shit.

You can come over to my house when we're watching UFC if I'm in town. And you won't have to stand in line, and you're more than welcome there. But I don't want to stand behind three long-winded people at the post office. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like if we didn't have stamps.com, an account, because we do everything from the store. And then the only reason we even take it to the post office, because we've got everything ready to go, and we just hand the big bag of stuff over to Daniel, and they scan it in.

Daniel's a new guy. Raul or Rafael, whatever the fucking, the old guy he retired yeah so it's already it's already done we get a printout and there's a barcode and they they scan it it all goes in and we only do that because we like daniel we like to we like to say hello to him he asks about you all the time. But they actually give you a time where you go, all right, this is the slow time, and they wait for you. Yeah, yeah. That's a good thing about the post office. But it would be nice if he just came for UFC, picked up the bundles, and took them back. But we don't even have to do that because you can actually schedule a time that the post office will come and pick up your packages after you've already put all the postage on them.

your packages after you've already put all the postage on them but chaley's one job is actually hamstrung by his need to be nice and over fucking do everything yeah no i i stamps would come right to me no i like daniel we love daniel i know yeah he uh But other people aren't like that. So you guys listening, fuck them, get stamps.com. This is really just for comics. Comedians, you got to fucking ship that merch. You got a new CD, DVD, MP3. I guess you don't mail an MP3. I mail many diffs to myself in the future. You'll remember this shit.

Yeah. Don't deliver until... Just get stamps.com. Is there a promo code, Jaylee? Hey, right now, use Doug's name, Stanhope, for this special offer. It's a four-week trial, which includes postage and a digital scale. Don't wait. week trial, which includes postage and a digital scale. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else, including your mother who's having a heart attack. Hang on, mom. I have to go to

stamps.com on my dial-up connection and then remember how to spell Stanhope. Huh? Are you breathing, Mom? Hang on. It's still buffering. Click on the radio microphone at the top of the home page and type in Stanhope. That's stamps.com. Enter Stanhope. For chibbony's sakes. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. Except to say hi.

Alright, we're back. So much happened in those two days. After our 6 p.m. show, after our day off fucking with everyone in the elevator, we did our 6 p.m. show that everyone toughed it out. They were a great crowd under the circumstances. Then we get back in our hotel. They have stand-up comedy. A different, nothing to do with us.

Every Saturday night, the best of stand-up comedy and they have people that maybe gilbert gottfried is on the poster maybe gilbert would do that place by the way banquet hall kind of like earlier in the tour when we get our fucking show shut down i don't know if these are going to come out of order these podcasts anyway voted best in new hampshire doesn't mean anything yeah yeah unless you qualify that's fake news that's fake fake news voted best of anything it's like fucking who voted and you can say that. Voted best by my mom. So we thought it would be funny since our show was at 6 o'clock with a hard out of 7.30, which we pushed to 8. Because there was a band, Joshua Tree, playing afterwards. Yeah, yeah. You got to get out of there. So we had to bail, and we thought it would be funny

because the show at the hotel that we're staying in in a banquet room, like poor people have weddings in, just like Scranton, Pennsylvania, where we ended up having to do that show earlier in the tour. Yeah, they do a show there. So we thought it would be funny to put our merch booth because we couldn't do a merch booth at our own show because we had a hard out and had to leave why don't we set up our merch booth four blocks away outside of someone else's show when it closes and i dismissed it at first because i thought if we're drinking early for a 6 p.m show we will get there by 8 and their show is at 8 30 that means it's done by 10 at the

latest we'll be too drunk to pull this prank off but fortunately we were just drunk enough yeah that was a great idea and then frank said he would set it all up. But we're on a landing on like the mezzanine level at this hotel. And this is still the Dance Moms hotel. Oh, yeah, the Dance Mom hotel. There's a lot of that activity going on. But they basically have left the podium to the banquet room. And Frank went up there and there's this weird

long, thin table that lays behind a couch. That's a thing, right? That's a weird furniture thing. And it's heavy with marble and it's steel, like tube steel. And he put it

on there and we got it all set up and Doug's like, we need to move it right in front of the door. They're about to close the show. You can tell. When you listen between the cracks of the door, you can tell. You can hear the rhythm of the hackery. Yeah.

I said that on stage tonight. I go, you know when a comic is moving the mic stand towards the center of the stage after he's been moving that means he's going towards a closer and you can tell by the rhythm of the voice if someone just does an act that is an act that's why the manager tonight says um what does he usually close with do you want oh he said do you want music to go up to i go no andy's bringing me up and his closer is anyway never mind here's doug yeah tonight was i'm done play music i have to be right there he said i'm done tonight yeah i did yeah so i announced yeah i mean that was i mean the tour's over. I formally announced that I'm done.

Yeah, I don't like, I mean, you know, I don't care if they fucking know who I am or name-wise or whatever, but I mean, it's announced early, and then people always say, I'm so-and-so, and that's my time or whatever. And it's like, that seems so fucking dumb. It's like, hey, that's me again. The point is, I had to explain to the manager tonight why I couldn't have music

because you won't give me time. Oh, I could. I could stand there. We got, we can work that out. No, I don't need it. I don't need music.

You don't always have to. This isn't an intervention, Andy. We don't always have to take drinks. Because I couldn't play fucking Aberfeldy to go up. Summer's gone.

All right. After the boys of summer. Wrong song. I know. Again, the second night, we're shit-faced. After show. After the show, we have the merch booth set up a good 20 feet from. No, I make everyone move it right in front of the door as we hear this guy.

Like one door couldn't open because we were in the way. And we angled it. Everybody who came out of that room had to swing by the marble, the ivory table of merch. The marble, the ivory table of merch. You come out of Amway sales meeting, that kind of room in the mezzanine level of a fucking Radisson or whatever it is. It's like a Disney ride that opens in the store. You walk out the exit and you're in the fucking store. Exit through the gift shop. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's what we set up. And it was effective. We moved some merch. We moved some merch. We moved some merch. The headline. I assumed the comedians would think it was funny that we did this. That's what you would assume. You wouldn't do this.

You wouldn't fuck with comedians. They're our only friends. So we thought if we're playing six blocks down and then we come to your show and set up a merch booth i assumed that it would be a competing merch yeah and he didn't have his own he didn't have merch none of them did there's three comics like most shows in comedy well we're in manchester new hampshire and there's three comics. We've asked. Andy looked it up online. He got their names, and we looked at their bios.

One of them said he had a Facebook page that said, I'm a licensed plumber. Did stand-up comedy for 10 years, then fell out for 10 years, trying to get back into it. So his first credit is licensed plumber. Not casting aspersions. Because, I mean, you look at the fucking guys I bring out. Yeah.

Their credits aren't great. All they can do is ruin plumbing. their credits aren't great all they can do is ruin plumbing that's so relevant on so many levels with Andy this week I know yeah I go I thought you were having a coughing fit I didn't know there was vomit involved and

when I'm brushing my teeth to leave the hotel this morning he comes in and he wipes something up out of my peripheral vision off the floor and throws the paper in the toilet and i see it's yellowed so he he was yeah he remembered some vomit he forgot and now that i'm brushing my teeth to leave he goes oh i i should probably clean up that vomit yeah i always clean up like up. I mean, you might notice, but I do sort of a pre-cleaning of the room. And it's because I throw so many fluids around.

Andy is so much like Bingo. Andy's so much like Bingo that when they try poorly, it's adorable. It's cute. Yeah. Andy's the blender without a lid. Yeah. And then he tries to clean it up. I'll clean the room and then get nauseous and fucking break a glass and puke and then,

you know, walk out that way. And it looks like Vandalism. He'll kill a hooker and then buy her Uber for the body. Sure. Something like that. It's nice for the family. I didn't have time to write an analogy. So we get done with the merch.

We're at the merch booth. And by the way, your enthusiasm at the faux merch booth was amazing. You were hawking shit like it was your first gig. Yeah. People are coming out and people, by people, I mean, what, 28 people? Dance moms and dads who... Yeah, people who got suckered into sitting at the bar. Or whatever, maybe.

Or just trying to get away from the dance moms or dads or kids. So, yeah, it's a banquet room of a place that doesn't sell shit. But he was killing. I will say that. He was killing, but it just made me feel contempt. Doug, Andy did sneak in. Yeah, I was in there for a bit yeah yeah yeah I tried to glue a smile on my face but it became painful so I left this is where I

fucking snap on Boston comedy Boston comedy is so legendarily insular uh What's another word for... Douchey? Douchey is a word. What did she say? Inside. Very inside. When I started... Xenophobic.

If you were not in the Boston, if you ever saw the documentary when stand-up stood out, that's when... It's a... Boston comedy in the 80s when stephen wright got his first shot on carson and everyone's jealous and everyone's but all these boston comics most of them don't leave boston and they don't let anyone in it's when stand-up stood out and you wouldn't let anyone else in. It was the Donald Trump era of

fucking no immigration status for other comics. And I didn't do it. I'm from Worcester, but I started comedy in Vegas. And I go, I should go back to Mass and do Boston. No.

All these fuck... It's the weirdest element of comedy. And these relics still survive and they've inbred Boston so much that there's no comedy clubs in Boston anymore because it's the same

guys with the same accent which they produced the best comics ever but those comics left, and the fucking relics just cannibalized their own feces so much. They're doing New Hampshire. Yeah. Oh, and like people from Natick.

And you know what? Those fishermen that you used to amuse in 85 are gone, and you're not doing Coke anymore, and no one's amused, and there's no comedy clubs really left. And so we get one of these from the headliner of that show that we were selling merchandise outside his show, and I thought he'd laugh. He's at the door greeting people as they leave.

Yeah, he's this pudge faced corpulent his headshot I know there's another comic out of Utah who does a bit of how he looks retarded but he does kind of have a down syndrome meets

Corky-esque yeah like what's that place that does photos in the mall like a retarded guy who got a glamour shot? What does headshot look like? And I know I did worse. By far, we're worse. I remember when he, like, the customers are coming out,

and I'm saying, hey, would you like a memento of the show, CD, vinyl? It's all our stuff. And we weren't on the show. You were doing what we thought he would be doing. Yeah. But he wasn't doing anything. No, he was just receiving his well-earned slap on the back for some jokes recanted and such. This is a gig in a hotel room like Andy and I used to do in the early days with triple gigs.

Voted best in New Hampshire. But there you would get a room. These guys didn't even get a room. They had to drive back to fucking Boston. The fucking opener. The opener was the cool kid. He bought merch. The middle guy we never met.

You saw him the next day. Yeah, yeah. Loading the shit. The headliner looked at us selling merch. Took pictures. And I was waiting for him to laugh and go, hey, I'm a comic. You know, you're a comic. But Boston Comics, those fucking ingrained, inbred, fucking arrogant cunts are such filthy

pieces of shit the same they were they were the same way when I started I did an open mic at Stitches and they're just so fuck you most of my life comics are my best friends like on the road even when you

didn't like the other guy you're in the trenches even when you didn't like the other guy you're in the trenches boston comics you appreciated it fucking solidified everything yeah that i felt in 1993 i only felt bad about wanting to do this because you really the day before even before you started drinking you thought it was funny and i thought this would only be bad if they have merch. Which none of them did. So when we did that, it was 100% funny. I thought it'd be funnier if they had

merch. But it's 100% funny that now they don't even have merch and he should see how funny. He took pictures. Yeah, he took pictures of you doing that and still didn't think it was funny. And then he came out and said snarky.

Good luck. I hope you sell a lot of your stuff. And that was like some sort of a Nucky Thompson half threat or whatever. Like, oh, really? Yeah, I hope your store does good business. Okay, thank you. Before it catches fire.

You probably thought we were actually trying to make money. No, no, no. Yeah. And then the opener. But I made- Opening kid. I sold a disc. Opening kid came out, and he was cool as shit.

Yeah, no, he said, he goes, I had to be in the room with that. Like, he fucking dissed on the headliner. We probably just got him canceled from all his gigs. Oh, yeah. Because that headliner probably listens to the podcast. Then let's not say his name. He's taking pictures of you. But he was cool as shit and hung out.

And at some point towards the end of the night, I said, what room are you in? We're going to have breakfast in the morning. He goes, oh, no, in? We're going to have breakfast in the morning. He goes, oh, no, I have to go back to Boston. I go, they don't give you a room here? He goes, no. I don't know if he even got paid. I gave him the money we made from the merch table.

We did actually make money from the merch table, which I didn't know until the next morning when chaley told me he goes yeah we actually sold a few things and uh he gave all the money to that opening kid and so if that that angry uh boston comics listening put out a fucking disc man put it on a table he's not listening he doesn't even have email yet yeah he listens to all days of fucking when stand up stood out are coming back and he still thinks Natick is a funny reference he's still dropping clips on MySpace one of the two of the wives

or gal pals had a luggage cart and they were loading the PA and they were flipping us more shit than he did. You don't remember that? No, no. Oh my God.

They're like, so what's our cut? And it's like, nothing. What's our cut? What are you doing here? 4% of nothing. They just take...

Obviously they weren't getting it, but they were flipping a shit about it. But Paper Tiger, man, nothing was happening. We're just like, we're just going to keep selling until there's no one in there. It's like going to the local neighborhood moving sale and going, what's my cut? Yeah, yeah, yeah, kind of squeezing my shit over here. Who are you going to complain to? All right, let's wrap this podcast up.

Go backwards a little bit. Those are the best stories. I know those are the best. Well, in Club Metronome. Metronome in Burlington, Vermont. Oh, that was the first stand-up. I'm sorry. I said the other one was the first stand-up show, the Sesh Skeen, but it wasn't.

Burlington at the Metronome was our first stand-up show, and that was the first time we stopped doing merch. First time doing stand-up ever? Standing room. Oh, did I say? I'm sorry. I said stand-up. Oh, standing room.

Yeah. It's weird, but I say? I'm sorry. I said stand-up. Oh, standing room. Yeah. It's weird, but I love Burlington. We will never do another stand-up show. I promise you. Standing room. And I will eat my words. Standing. Standing. Yeah, and then

they talked it out. We love Burlington. Full daylight during that show. Get some good vintage ties there. Then go backwards. Yeah, that was the that show. Get some good vintage ties there and then go backwards. Yeah, that was the early show. Yeah. I don't think we have any other good stories.

Let's just wrap it up. Burlington was fine. Albany was a funny bone. If you've ever been to a funny bone or an improv or a levity, you've never seen anything. Oh, which city was it in? Doesn't matter. It's beside a Chuck E. Cheese or a fucking David Buster's.

They're fine. They're fine. They know how to do it. It's in, out, get your jalapeno poppers. We really like those at this age where you go, oh, I don't have to worry about, oh, I have to swim through a fucking sewer pipe to get to what used to be the green room to smoke out a vent. Dumpster walk. Yeah, it's a tradeoff. That was a walk.

It's a tradeoff. What's comfortable for me versus you or both of us? Yeah, sometimes it's a comedy club. And if you like orderly stuff, we're on a brutal hangover where you think maybe I should kill myself and leave refunds in the will. I like order. refunds in the will I like order but sometimes you like the chaos

of a fucking seizure or someone throwing a hissy fit and we've had all of it someone's hair catching fire in a candle occasionally it's good times sometimes you're our entertainment sometimes

when you smash your head open bloody on the table and then go into a seizure, I might have to scramble to cover for the awkwardness, but I am so highly amused when you're so violently drunk that maybe they will take you to court like those kids at Penn State. It's the only thing other than Trump on CNN, Chaley, when you clear your face up at me. Penn State, I'm trying to, is that Andy's bit? No, no, no, Penn State right now, there's a hazing trial where they get a kid and he drank himself to death and fell down and smashed his head. It's still the same old Jerry Sandusky hazing culture.

Somebody passes out and gets fucked. Yeah. Oh, really? He joined a fraternity to be the good one? Fuck it. He couldn't wait to drink himself to death. He thought he could beat the odds. We are

Penn State. We are Penn State. We are Penn State. His name was Penn State. We are Penn State. Dun dun dun dun dun dun. What is that?

Yes, we. She's doing French. No, she's doing just. Jesus. Charlie Hebdo. You fucking cunt. It's French. All right.

Fuckhead. Yes, we. Charlie Hebdo wasn't French. Really? No, he was imported. He was a Guatemalan immigrant. He cleaned a lot of hotel rooms in In Paris. In Charlie Hebdoville. Oh.

All right, let's go. Jesus Christ. We'll just stop this podcast before we're the ones. I can't stop it until you tell us who we're playing out on. Let's play out. You know what? Let's, for one time, play out on a moment of silence for Charlie Hebdo, who lost his life. And also those three brave souls and then the shooter in Alabama.

Charlie Hebdo's dead. So is he in Alabama. Let's do a moment of silence in French. I'm going to do my moment of silence. Jesus, I keep fucking killing this and you keep talking over it. I want to do my moment of silence for the people falling out there out in Alabama. Shouldn't you be silenced? This won't go out until no one even knows about the story and by the time this goes out. I know, but I mean, that's my moment of silence.

I was doing a moment of silence in French and that was... I mean, it's not the best joke, but it was a great closer. Fucking Andy Andrews, why did I book you on the next tour? I know, coming up. We're regrouping. Hey, check out Doug Stanhope. I have 16 hours to cancel your ticket and bring out Roseanne Barr. Doug Stanhope has new tour dates for August.

Go to DougStanhope.com. Oh, yeah, Midwest, Wisconsin, Michigan, the underbody parts, maybe Minneapolis, I hope. We're switching from one obnoxious accent to another. Alright.

Me and Andy and Tracy and Chaley will be out there. I'm going to fuck his wife this time. Andy and I have had this bet. Who's going to fuck her first? But I'm the smoker and she loves the cigarettes. Dirty, dark cigarettes. Keep that in. Don't you cut that out, Chaley.

I use the term make love to because I know Tracy's not just some slab of meat. I made love to you. You know what it's like. I don't know why you're jealous. It smells like cigarettes. It know what it's like. I don't know why you're jealous. Yeah, it smells like cigarettes. It's pretty bad. All right.

And you got to finish by yourself. All of Andy talking out of this podcast. Okay, this moment of silence is for the troops. And then Dale Earnhardt Sr., who, if he would have just made one more turn, left turn. Hang on. Hang on. Know what? You know what?

This is what happens, Andy, when you keep fucking talking. Greg Chaley has taped every show of this tour, and he's going to close this out to teach you to shut the fuck up with one of the worst bits of you fucking up on this tour. How about that? Can you do that, Greg Chaley? Pick one of the shows. Yeah, just... Pick one of the...

No, you have to get three minutes of him. No, no, no. You're making me do more work, so you pick a show. I should try to probably... No, you can't put his material. I know a show. He's got Manchester.

Hey, ladies and gentlemen, we're closing on Andy Andrist at his best. Hey, ladies and gentlemen, we're closing on Andy Andrist at his best. I used to think about dying a lot. I still do or whatever. But I don't want to die in a way where people will blame me. Because people will blame you. There's always some old lady at every funeral that knows the scoop.

Even though the family's lying deliberately. There's some old cunt that'll go, Oh, you don't want drugs. You don't want drugs. That's so cute. Drug addict. That's why I want to be eaten by a bear. Nobody to fucking blame pin that on you. Like, oh, what a a fucking addict what's wrong with that guy he was eaten by a bear you old hag you fucking cunt eaten by a bear and the prime of his life was just fucking organs were rotten. Whatever. But they don't have to inform me that I went out in the woods on heroin and poked the bear in the face.

Had rotten garbage in my underpants. My favorite death story of all time is a carnival worker. Like I used to read no pitchforks and show it to your staff. Everybody, you know, I mean, everybody's going to die, and it's funny. But a carnival worker, it said, a carnival worker dies on the job, is what the headline in my paper said. And when you read a headline like that, you don't want to just rush into it. You

want to get your coffee ready and have a bagel. Enjoy the moment. It's a carnival worker who died being a hero or whatever. Anyway, but what happened, he was running the Superloop number eight, number nine roller coaster in Lindley, Washington. And I don't know if you've ever done math or fixed anything, but if you have, you probably understand this, but I don't. So he was greasing the tracks of the roller coaster he was in charge of after loading passengers on it.

Greasing it while I was going, and it said hair, but I read it mullet. His mullet got caught under the tracks of the train and it said he was dragged screaming behind the...

If you've ever been on a roller coaster and the carny who put you on it is screaming like a cunt behind you, hands up! This is a... We don't know if this is gonna stop. And then he got to the super loop part, I assume. You know, and then he got lifted up to heaven.

But that's what, yeah, they tried to imply. But his hair broke loose, and he went flinging through the air in front of, it said, horrified onlookers. But if you've ever seen a carnivore flying through the air, about to die, you're interested. Horrified onlookers, they said. They probably didn in grief counselors. Like, how long would you grieve a cardi that you just saw? To me, that would be like just a hand stamp. That's cool.

I did see it. I did. How am I done at times? Hey, everybody. I'm about done here. I don't have a big closer. I wish I did, but I drink a lot, and I don't really care about anything. So I fuck up a lot.

They fucking don't. Anyway, I mean, you know, shit. Fuck, what I mean? Come on, goddamn it. How many of you are top earners or whatever? I'm kind of a fucking slug or whatever. Hey, hey, man. Hey, man. You guys ready for your headliner?

Well, get your hands together and grab some wheat and hand it to me, all right? All right. Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know who this is. I think it looks gay. Andy Andres, trying to go into the well, trying to go some old school material and he fucked it up. Here they're caught in the tracks and it flung him 60 feet to his death. And they have grief counselors on them. This is Andy's last bit.

They have grief counselors because it said horrified onlookers. But you know what? If you've been to a carny, there had to be highly amused onlookers. That's what I would have been. And the whole fucking obituary thing. I like to read obituaries because I like to know how someone dies. That's what I like to

know. If someone's my age and they die and they're young, I want to know. But it always says that they, oh, he was lifted up in the arms of Jesus. But how? Why did that happen? Was he jerking off in a sauna? I like to do

that. My heart beats like a little bunny rabbit. I don't know. That goes into the whole whatever other bit you fucked up.