The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #217: Back in the FunHouse and Chad has Stories

Episode Date: July 21, 2017

Doug is back from the road and Chad Shank brought some stories.Recorded Aug 19, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille. Bartended by Ms. Tracey (@Egglester)This episode is sponsored by- Blue Apron – Get your first 3 meals FREE at BlueApron.com/Stanhope. Blue Apron, a better way to cook.Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List.Closing song, "Double Dare", by Molotov Jukebox.LINKS:Sneaking backstage McGregor vs Mayweather Presser in London - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PL1BC1s8CQPablo Francisco video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UGE7iJ9uo4Under Arrest - https://www.netflix.com/title/80080436Chad Shank Voice Over info at AudioShank.comSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

We were driving out to the first gig, Tracy and I, and I think we were going to meet you later that day in Nyack. Nyack, New York. And we were still driving to Nyack from Niagara Falls. And he said, oh, grab some smokes and then mixers, which we always do that. Like, do you need anything kind of thing? Smokes, all right. And I see a tobacco shop in a strip mall in the middle of fucking I don't know where. Right?

We're a little ways from Nyack still. And I go in there and there's this shotgun store straight back. And in the back are two machines that... It's spitting out cigarettes. They're making cigarettes. filters with filters and then the guy just grabs a handful and then he throws them in a plastic bag and then i go uh do you have some yellow american spirits right because i figured this is a place that would have that right no no we have these and he's holding this bag up right and i go what

what what are those and he goes they're better they're better and and i agree they probably are like more akin to america fucking horrible no i'm saying in his mind he's like we're not big tobacco we're little liquor store you know so i go i can't new york yeah you're farming fresh tobacco and the fuck i was i was picturing like an immigrant kid in the back opening ripping open bags of buglers and dumping them in a big box i should have kicked open the back door there might have been a field so i i said some sprouts coming up between the broken concrete no batch so i was thinking i can't leave without getting some but then they only sold them in this like like a carton right and they're very inexpensive i can't remember the price now but i said tracy's at a good price he goes yeah it's really good but

that's probably a reason for that i'm picturing him in like a big loaf of bread bag like did you bring your own sack so uh i did get uh i think i got like a what turned out to be about a handful and he put them in a smaller zip box worth about 20 cigarettes but in the plastic bag we put it in the you know the junk compartment between the front and drive you know passenger driver seats and it hasn't been jostled except for maybe a quick stoplight. And then I pull the bag out the next day, and the tobacco's all fallen out of the cigarettes mostly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Turns out those boxes are really good for transporting tobacco cigarettes.

Yeah, you put them in a Marlboro light package eventually with a big X in Sharpie to warn you. I had a cough this bad when I was mid-20s because I used to smoke generics when I was broke, and they're all the same. My mother always, it's all the same generics always the same and sometimes it is a lot of the times it is canned peas yeah pretty much the same but tobacco i had a fucking cough like an elderly smoker when i was 25 from smoking fucking generic cigarettes slim price the blue stripe there was a million

generic cigarettes. Slim price. The blue stripe. There was a million. Alright, so yeah, Chad Chang, we're back home! Chad Chang is back! In the funhouse. Generic cough.

Chad has a fucking bunch of stories. We've told ours. I don't have a bunch of stories. I wrote down a couple of things. You don't think that's a bunch of stories we've told ours I don't have a bunch of stories I wrote down a couple of things you don't think that's a bunch of stories it's how you tell them but I want to start because you were the Mayweather

McGregor shit scam fest but I'm still tempted to buy it but no, no, you don't buy it don't buy it just see the next day how they hugged for fucking

12 rounds that's the first thing that I thought too I wish there was some way we could get everybody so that the guys have to pay them a million dollars a piece and nobody bought the pay-per-view if we could start that well the Irish would buy it. They'll buy it anyway.

Yeah, they'll buy it. How much money do they have? They'll fucking steal it. They were really amped up. I mean, I said during the SportsCenter, one of those shows, one of the boxing pundits was saying, oh, I'll watch these press conferences, but I'm not watching the fight. No way.

And it's what Doug and I were talking about while out on the road. It's like it is going to be exactly what you said. It's going to be a hug fest and then collect a paycheck, and it's just everyone spending that $60. And even now the guys on TV aren't even hyping it. The Pacquiao Mayweather fight, somehow I knew it was a fucking, but it was an excuse for a party that everyone was disappointed in. And I do a whole bit about all these people that are just, everyone talks about all these people that are just famous for being assholes.

Fucking Ann Coulter is milking a fucking seat assignment on delta just to keep in the news cycle just a 36 upgrade yeah how magnanimous of you like oh what if i say i spent ten thousand dollars of my time booking the how much of an asshole can i be so I get mentioned? No, don't watch the fucking... Everyone who watches or pays for, I should say, the Mayweather fight, can't you periscope it? Couldn't we buy one dude's

ticket to go and periscope the fucking fight and then just watch it on some dude's cell phone? I mean, I'd watch it, but I wouldn't use my account. It would seem there might be some litigation down the line if you're rebroadcasting without specific permission. I think it'd be better if everybody just waited until the next day.

Somebody bootleg it the next day, and then everybody share it. None of us bought it the day before, and I think it's $100. It always comes out, though. The next day, they always show it on clips. And those are the authorized clips. The good part, you can make one of those moving gifs out of. It's going to be a boring fight. God damn it.

I wish if we'd have talked about this ahead of time, we could have had a great hashtag for people to not support the fucking fight but i think the fight's like in august yeah mid-august yeah they just got done with the press release or the press conferences so you were telling me about uh oh this morning i saw i was on a bit of a rabbit hole and i i did see a really good knockout uh mike tyson tindy natinian i can't remember the guy's name and i'm like i remember boxing when that was the 80s right yeah and then it got to this other thing where this guy was basically doing he's i don't know if he's got many things but he was talking about just one-on-one with the camera and it's a youtube

channel where he says uh my mate called me and it was during when they had the press conferences going on for Conor McGregor. And this guy said, well, I'm going to this, and I don't have tickets. And thank you, driver, for Mayweather. He fucking Instagrammed his fanned-out press credentials. So this guy not only had backstage press credentials that morning, but also the promoter credentials to get in. He goes, I can do this easy. And he basically went on Photoshop and he goes, I'm going to take Mayweather's nipple and put it as his left eye. Oh, that's funny.

I'm going to keep that. And he made these things. They look fucking amazing. He went and bought a fucking laminator down at the Best Buy or whatever. And he did the whole thing. Went in and was in the dressing room after everything walked out he's videotaping this whole thing with your fucking sky the spy cam thing and everything and he's narrating this is fucking hilarious i'll get it i'll find it i'll put a link in the in the show notes but it

is a thing where he's like he doesn't give a fuck and he's not hurting anyone he's like this is how ridiculous it is and he just goes oh this is this looks i don't know i'm no one fucking questions him he goes down this one hallway the guy goes hey you got the wrong one there he leaves and then goes back in with the same guy with he just switched the one that he had the promoter one so he could get by i've said a million times con art is the best art form when it's done well absolutely we were that jeff tate show in somewhere fucking uh iowa and the guy tried to get in i'm a photographer he's trying to get in the back door where i'm smoking i'm like i don't have a photographer this is like the shittiest gig ever anyway like i wouldn't want anyone to oh no i have a just get your bullshit good yes i i love a good con artist yeah but that just happened remember that we were like it was one of

the last few dates because andy was on the tour and the guy was like uh he talked to someone else at the gig and and so that person introduces like the local opener or something it's like hey this is the guy he's from the syracuse or the nyack register it's like i go what does he want he goes well he's here to do an interview with doug i go hey doug this guy and you're like no like right in front of him it's like I don't do press at a show, especially not for a show that we've already done. Yeah. Help me sell tickets after the fact.

Thank you, retroactive guy. It was one of the funny bones. It was one of the funny bones I remember. Yeah. Oh, that was probably Hartford, the last one. It was. It was that big mall. Well, that's every funny bone.

Every funny bone. So, yeah, don't watch the fucking mayweather fight do not watch that bullshit fucking hype we're gonna act like we're fucking assholes and hate each other what a you hope something bad will happen but you're gonna see if something bad happens and mcgregor goes fucking haywire and goes to reflex action and tries to take them down at the knee yeah you'll see it the next day for fucking free all over the place yeah yeah well right after there'll be someone taping it and then they'll put it up as as a way to get i have click i have a fight pass and i don't have cable so I don't get to watch the fights that are on TV until a month

later. So I have to actively try to avoid finding out what happened in no-name fights. And I can't. You always find out what the fuck happened. So I guarantee you, you'll know what happened. It would be fun to have some kind of counter-programming.

Alright, you can watch the Mayweather fight or you can watch Kenny versus Derek in the fun house. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll do it on the roof. We'll make it a ring. And they'll do foxy boxing with those big oversized boxing gloves.

Foxy boxing. The big samurai suits. Yeah, yeah. The samurai suits. Sumo. Sumo suits. Yeah, yeah. In Alaska, when I was in the Army, they had a club that you would, they had those suits.

Oh, yeah. That was the time. That was the big thing. There's a lot of those available. Like you were talking about trying on clothes at the fucking Goodwill. Oh, my God. Somebody else would climb their drunk sweaty ass out of a big fat sumo suit

and you'd go climb your drunk ass in there. So gross. Someone gave us... I gave it to Tom Knopka, but someone at a merch booth. We get a lot of shit. Thank you everyone who gave us gifts on the road. Thank you.

I don't remember you. I hate being at the merch booth. You know what of shit thank you everyone who gave us gifts on the road thank you i don't remember you i hate being at the merch booth you know what i i say it frequently but uh someone gave us one of those uh martin lawrence uh sweatsuits it's like a vinyl it's a like a sauna suit sauna suit that's when martin lawrence like went crazy 20 years ago and just had a gun, and he was in one of those sauna suits out of his mind running down the streets of L.A. and noontime traffic. And I had used those before trying to shed some pounds. Oh, that's why they gave it to us then. I don't think I ever talked about it.

Really? Never? That seems like a weird thing. Yeah. They thought you were trying to make weight for wrestling? I have no idea why they gave me one. But I used to use it. They? What?

The military? Who gave you one? No, no. That guy. The audience. Whoever gave me one. But I never talked about it. But I used to use it until that Martin Lawrence thing came out.

And they said, oh, if you wear that for too long, you get kidney failure, fucking renal failure from sweating so much. One time I drove from L.A. to Fresno, which is probably three and a half hours. It was in May, and I did it in my Dodge Neon, late 90s, trying to fucking sauna, sweat it off. I drove from L.A. to Fresno with the windows up and the heat on,

and my shoes were squishing like I just came out of a pond when I got to the hotel. I sweat through everything, just wet. Everything soaked through, pouring wet. I didn't know that could kill you. I didn't know. That was in Buffalo.

We did the Trouth Music Hall or whatever. I fucking love that place. It was Jim and Christina gave us a care package. J. Lee's got notes. One of those things I kept for as many days as I could until I had to just leave them behind. It was the honeycomb chocolate that was fucking delicious.

Never do that again, Jim and Christina, because it's chunks of honeycomb. It's like caramelized sugar and then dipped in milk chocolate. And yeah, I was putting them in the fridge at night. So they'd be nice and crunchy. He would leave them behind and then I would grab it out of the fridge and bring it to the next place. You sure? Yeah.

I have a weird thing about waste. Morgan did it too. Because I know she didn't want to leave them behind, but she made me like, no, Shaley wants those. And I'm like, I left them in their room because I figured we could just leave it behind. And then Andy. Yes. And Andy's like, yeah, these are great. They're fucking delicious.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. She just ate them all. What the fuck's the matter with you guys? Oh, my God. There were so many. Thanks, Jim and Christina, for all that stuff. And everyone else. Yes.

Don't go through all your notes. No. Last, we left Chad Shank. Yeah, I'm sorry that we all missed. The Beckers were here in town, but we were on the road. And they watched some fight here. No, Tracy came back while they were here. Tracy was back.

That's right. They did watch the fight over here. Yeah, I missed the Beckers while they were here, too. Oh, that's you. That's right. They did watch the foot over here. That's right. Yeah, I missed the Becker's while they were here, too. Oh, that's you. That's your phone. All right. So the wife, start there. The what?

His wife, Jenny. Jenny. She got shit canned. Our bartender left with my drink sitting right there. Can you help me out, Doug? It's almost. Oh, wow. That's Chad's other glass, by the way.

That's his backup glass. It's a backup. This one's good for security as well. That's why I like this. Yeah, it's a sawed-off bottom of a Grey Goose bottle. I was going to make those in Alaska because I had access to tons of bottles. They don't recycle up there.

But the only problem is you've got to buff down those edges, and it's glass, like really fine glass particles. I don't want to fucking mess with that. But where did we get that one? I bought that in Sierra Vista, that art in the park. Yeah. Got to buy something.. Gotta buy something. Gotta buy something.

Jenny bought it for me. Back when she had a job. Every time I go to the farmer's market down there, I just go to walk around the loop. There's nothing, but I have to buy something. Oh yeah, I need green onions. I'll put those

on top of an omelet. But I have no reason to fucking be an art. Well, and Jenny doesn't drag me to much of those things, but in October in Sierra Vista, you guys would probably like it. The whole big park in Sierra Vista is filled with... Where they have the farmer's market. That's a good farmer's market. Yeah, that whole park is filled with vendors of all kinds of fucking crazy art.

Hey, we're trying. Unless I'm on acid, then I fucking buy a lot of shit. Remember that fucking libertarian convention we went to in Denver, and I bought all those photographs framed? I spent like $800, and I was tripping my balls off. And all these, like, just some photographer in a booth and I'm like, this is amazing.

I still have one of that dark alleyway. It's kind of, that portrait. It's out in the laundry room area. Do you remember? You were with me. The art gallery.

That fucking guy just kept buying shit. It's a business idea. Let's sell bottled water for a dollar with hits of acid in it and sell fucking pictures of fireworks for $800. Be at the entrance.

God damn it. Halfway down is Jenny. Yeah. It's one of those mornings where you have to go, hey, I supported an artist. No, you fucking blew money like an asshole because you're on drugs. No, I supported art. You know, the morning where you find the,

ah, I got to figure out how to make this okay. And you do. Your brain does that. I say tomato, tomato. You're doing both, really. I went down a fucking, we both went down YouTube, but this was just Wikipedia. John Wayne Gacy, they found some remains of unidentified victim.

Now they... Anyway, I go down to fucking John Wayne Gacy, like going through and I'm like, all right, I woke up hungover and I felt like shit about myself and I got to fucking get to work and I'm not working on my... Oh, I'm not John Wayne G i'm not john wayne gacy

you can find one way you're not an asshole i i don't i don't even have to go outside myself i fucking find other things i'm like remember all the time that you spent regretting this thing that you did a long time ago now look at how dumb this thing is compared to that. Like that you could have went to prison for. This is just dumb. Yeah. Like, yeah. Yeah, Scranton, Pennsylvania. I could have tried. Oh, Pablo Francisco video comes out.

All right. I'm fine. I'm fine. I watched that. That is the most fucked up I've ever seen a comedian on stage. And another rabbit hole I went down with Tracy was in the hotel when you were up in Phoenix, Chaley. I go, I want to tweet that that's the most fucked up I've ever seen any comic on stage. And in our circles, we've seen comics the most fucked up on stage.

circles we've seen comics the most fucked up on stage and i went i should just go youtube drunk comic on stage to see if there's one i forgot due diligence yeah but then i'm four hours later then booed off stage booed heckler punched someone punched someone now i'm just watching fist fights that have nothing to do with comedy but i can't i i can't find anything i've been booed off stage but i my worst was uh i can't it's not uh scotland hennigan would remember it's the one north of the north. Fuck it. Let's go back to your wife. The most fucked up I remember being on stage, I remember. It was my point. It was somewhere in Scotland where people were demanding refunds.

Because I was sitting on stage, Henry Phillips came up, and I was singing the Welcome Back, Cot Carter theme song with Henry Phillips playing for no reason. It was pretty fucked up, but I was just melting down. I wasn't out of my fucking head on drugs. I was aware. I just didn't give a fuck. Pablo was out of his fucking. He was, I would guess, cracked out.

That seems like a kind of crack thing where you don't Yeah, it was out of his teeth. You're not a doctor. That's why I said assume. I think you're saying that because the author of the video had subtitled it and put titles in there

about what they said they observed as being on stage. It was a should we release the killer termites moment where I watched the video from the guy that was fucking filming in the audience bootlegging, and he complete footage. He has a second one where Pablo falls off the stage

and at the end of this fucking exploiting this fucking tragedy he puts all our love and hope for Pablo for a speedy recovery yet he's tweeting it complete footage comic on drugs Pablo on drugs in a loop

don't forget to visit my t-shirt shop yeah fucking cocksucker I wish I I oh I can almost oh shit I jakey airplane you don't know anyway I did see Lynn's uh Lynn Shawcross tweet what was that I think the real crime here is the is the lax photo video policy at the comedy club that's my tweet that was my tweet she might have retweeted it that was mine she had something to say about it though i didn't know it was a retweet yeah no i said that yes that is that oh fucking pablo a huge apology for not enforcing the fucking no cameras and video it's bullshit so his fucking management should be to blame for not having

it taken down immediately and I looked up the law as I was in that fucking when is it okay to film a concert I don't think it's illegal to use a small chunk like that but I don't know

to be we don't know but he probably just realized what a shit show it was and said, whoa, and then started recording. I'm not saying that's okay, but he probably wasn't recording the entire set. That would be the defense I used too. Exactly. But he wasn't recording it to release it. I mean I caught someone at Ralph's near the end of the show and I'm like I can see him

because I'm in the back in that kind of eagle's nest I can see when shit's going on and I go right down in there and I can't see him but then I see the shirt and I know it's the guy and he brought it down and I just go hey stop what are you doing and this super

huge fan of yours and I'm like, what the fuck? Like, just stop, dude. Just don't do it. Hey, sorry. Now he's interrupting and all that. It's like this is, he's still in the middle of the bit that you were recording. It's just one of those things.

You're not helping anything. And what are you going to do with it? Nothing. And I think the sad part is I think it's just people who are like really like a fan like to have it like i don't know what it is i don't know if i know if i ever told you guys the story when i went on the road with you guys at one of the shows we were after we were outside and so one of the people from outside or from inside made it outside when you were smoking and you were expanding on a joke that was were working on, and you were just bullshitting with everybody in the back, and you were doing a lot more of it.

And I looked down, and one of the guys that was out there had his phone just recording down to the side. And I just went over next to him like I was talking to him. I was like, this is pretty cool to get to hang out back here. And he was like, this is really cool. And I was like, then you cool to get to hang out back here and he's like this is really cool and i was like then you're fucking stop being a dick and i made him delete it when he's like i'm sorry i'm sorry yeah and that guy at ralph's ended up hanging out later and was apologetic the whole time and everything's like what you're not you're clearly not thinking and i think it's one of those things like just like i'm so glad to be here. It just doesn't help.

You're going to see it. It's going to be on a DVD sooner or later. Relax. Yeah, the better version. Yeah. Anyway, your wife got fired. Oh, yeah. She did.

Jenny. Jenny got fired. There's not much of a story to it other than on her last day of work, they told her, we need you to come in on Monday. And it wasn't her last day of work. They're downsizing. Yeah, but it was her last scheduled day for the week.

And they said, we need you to come in on Monday. And she already kind of knew what was going on. So she was like, well... It's kind of office space scenario where everyone's getting brought into the we mentioned office space and friday both talking about this because they said we need you to come in monday she's like well can't you just tell me now i'm here and they know we need you to come in monday at 9 30 and then she went in monday at 9 30 and they fired her so i think i'm fired on

your day off had to come in on your day off to get fired yeah the whole weekend you're thinking what the fuck why Monday what and I told her yeah well it was her Monday was her day off I told her I just told her you're out of town I'm out of town you can let me know

by mail or whatever fuck you guys so does she get paid for that day? That was the other thing that I told her to ask, but she won't do that. That is one of those things, though. Her response is that I wish I was you in these situations, which is

she never wishes she was me, but in these situations, because she would never do that. But she can be the good cop to your bad cop, go in, get fired, and then you can call up and go, you're going to pay my fucking wife. Well, they sent her home. I almost called you when you guys were texting you when you were on the road to see if I could get information on a lawyer I should talk to

because they gave her a two-page note she had to sign, a letter she had to sign. She's not allowed to talk about any of this i don't think i'm allowed to talk about this but they don't know who i am yeah wait on monday when she went in on her own time yeah yeah then they had her sign a huge non-disclosure for getting fired and it had a whole bunch of stuff and i think what it is is they're fucking people over and there might be a class action in the future all right and Well, then that won't matter. But that's like an exit interview.

When you leave corporate, you have to go in and talk to someone, but it's not on your fucking day off. And the things you sign are things basically what you kind of either implied or you signed when you got hired. You're just saying you're not going to be a dick and say a bunch of shit. Kind of the equivalent of clicking here to accept the terms and conditions that's what i told you it's probably just standard but it was there was one there was one paragraph that was very um like i said it was specific to uh you won't uh i don't remember what the fuck i said no i just told her to fucking sign it no disparaging comments or something. They gave her... No, that part was easy. I understood.

There was a part, though, about not ever being able to file. Not ever? Yeah, like a file. In this universe or any other? You can't. For all of time. Whatever legal speak. It might have said that.

I don't know. In perpetuity throughout the universe. Throughout the universe. Forever and ever. Amen. Yeah, billionaire contract with scientology but they held her they were going to give her like two weeks you know like 1500 bucks severance pay and they basically held that hostage and says you have 48 hours to return this or we're

not going to give you that so i was like see that's where i would be like i'm gonna talk to a lawyer yeah i thought about but then i talked i tried call, and the one lawyer that I called was like, well, that would be $250 to come. Is that the guy I told you about? No, because I tried to look through my emails to find that, and I couldn't find it, so I was going to see who it was. Yeah, yeah. But in the end, I was like, it's probably just standard.

Just go fucking sign it. When you try to, oh, well, chaley must have texted me this at some point well we've been texting for fucking 10 years i'm not scrolling back that far i've done that i don't want to look at stuff i've looked but morgan murphy just like your address so i could fucking send you a check yeah but she's a massive texter. She sends me a million texts when we're in the same hotel. No, not just you. She's got millions of texts to go through, but on your thread. On my thread.

It's brrrr. Sure, it was five weeks ago was when you sent me your address from the last tour, but in the meantime, you sent me eight pictures of your feet holding a daiquiri or some fucking shit. So, yeah, I get to ask again. Oh, you need fucking shit. So, yeah, I gotta ask again. Oh, you need her address? No, no, I got it. I text her again. I go, hey, give me your

address again. I'm not fucking scrolling. But, yeah, so... Is she down? You're out of work. The wife's out of work. Look at this fucking segue. You're selling shit off your fucking property. I sold my hot tub. That was

kind of a self-involved decision, though. I knew I was about to have to work on it. Good call. I'm going to sell this. And then the people that bought it started messaging me on Facebook. Hey, this is not working. I'm not a fucking hot tub

mechanic. I don't know. They were cool about it. They were just wanting advice. They know that I sold not a fucking hot tub mechanic. Caveat emptor. I don't know. They were cool about it. They were just wanting advice. They know that I sold this one at a good price. But then I also, I was hanging on to my, the truck that died

when I was coming over here that time, my Toyota. It was a 1990 Toyota, four-wheel drive, extended cab. It was a really nice truck. I was thinking

I might put an engine in it at some point, but i was like fuck it i'll just sell it i think the cartel fucking came to my house and bought it they're in the they're in the market for used cars i found out especially this vehicle one of my neighbors told me that uh that vehicle especially will go down to uh mexico because uh the be a cartel vehicle is driving to Iraq? Yeah, with like a 50 cow mounted in the back of it. Yeah, that's

I hope that's what my truck is. Vehicle of choice. I hope my truck becomes a vehicle of violence somewhere. Yeah, these guys showed up with Mexican guys and fucking nice ass cowboy hats and cow snake skin cowboy boots. yeah yeah breaking bad those

yeah creased fucking pants and creased jeans i always love that they weren't even jeans they were i don't know what they were some sort of uh mexican uh no smiles fake really nice guys fucking super nice guys good to talk to like bullshit with talk me down more 50 bucks lower than i've said i was gonna go on the price of it yeah you don't want to feel like a chump and well not you them like i'm not i'm not doing the the asking price that's my downfall when i'm selling stuff and i have i was like well this person already showed up and if i don't take what they offer that means i have to talk to a whole other person. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that worth 50 bucks to me? Yeah, that's worth 50 bucks to just not have to talk to anybody else about this. But these guys fucking busted out. As soon as I sold it to them, they took off their fucking cowboy hats and fucking pulled the whole front end off the truck, hooked the fucking tow bar up to it. They had fucking lights up on the top. They brought tires

that would fit he messaged me he's like the tires are good and i'm like the tires are great you know you can tow it wherever and he brought tires that they could put on in case they weren't i was like i think the fucking cartel has been sitting in my front yard for like an hour getting this truck ready to tell i think you could have got that extra 50. They were motivated buyers. We were just telling a story when we had a yard sale when we first moved here in the first year or so back in. It was around. Yeah. Here at the house. And at the end, we still had a bunch of shit.

And this Mexican family showed up, not cartel, but maybe the thrift store next to the cartel. Because they, I don't know if we offered or they brokered a deal to buy everything that we had left. And they pulled up in this Tom Joad fucking Grapes of Wrath pickup truck that was already loaded to the max. It was fucking Beverly Hillbbillies and we yeah sure take it all for whatever small amount of money i just want it gone and the guy spent i think two two and a half hours with his family tying every bit of the shit onto what was already this chaotic swaying, leaning tower of pizza fucking pickup. And then he had to take that corner onto

Hootson and the whole thing is shifting. Uneven path to begin with. You know when someone's working at your house? Maybe you don't. Chad doesn't. He knows. I don't want to watch. I don't want to. If I hire someone to do some shit at the house,

that's because I'm too lazy to do it, yet I'm still going to be sitting here hungover on my laptop reading news or fucking with someone on Twitter while they're sweating their asses off right beside me, and I don't want to see it. And I remember us coming in and out of the house and then oh they're still out there we want to have you know happy hour cocktails and these people are still out there tying my fucking you know whatever onto a fucking giant truck i guess some fucking you know oh yeah that remember how you got me that tabletop fucking foosball thing for Christmas?

It's gone. And now he's up there standing on top of a pile of stuff trying to tie foosball. I can't watch this. Can we turn it upside down? I don't know. It's every weekend in Sierra Vista. If you go through Sierra Vista, they'll go through the yard. It looks like Jenga on a fucking pickup truck with bungee cords.

A bad game of Jenga. Yeah. When my mom passed away, the estate sale goes in. I got a whole thing on the estate sale. But they said, I said, what happens with everything that doesn't sell?

This is 50 years, 40 years living in a house, and we've already gone through everything. There's going to be a lot of shit left over. And no matter what it was, we didn't want it. And she goes, I have a guy. And the guy came over to do a walkthrough before the estate sale,

and he pulled up in one of these Tom Joad Model A thing with a crew. They had just cleaned out four other houses, and it was all wrapped up, and there was a trailer behind it. And I go, he's not, he knows he's not taking it tonight, right? He's okay, we have red flags, we put a red flag on the back. That's legal? Sure as shit, after the sale, there was a lot of stuff, and some good stuff too. I'm like, I can't believe it didn't sell.

And this guy got everything for like 200 bucks. After the sale, there was a lot of stuff. Some good stuff, too. I can't believe it didn't sell. This guy got everything for $200. I'm like, whoa, this is a scam. This is a total scam. He paid her $200 in front of me, but he probably paid the estate sale people way more. On the other end, there had to be some kind of... He loaded everything like a champ on that truck. I didn't care.

Tetris. I needed it out of there because we were selling the house. But it's fucking insane. And I think that's what it is. They lump up with someone who's going to have the access to that. And, oh, all that stuff goes to Mexico because I talked to the guy. And I go, what are you doing with all this? You got a thrift store or something?

Where's this going? High end over there. No, exactly. We had a couch that was maybe 55 years old. You sat on it and the dust would go up from the cushions, like just breaking down every time you sat on it. No one sat on the couch for the last 15 years. He goes, oh, that's good.

For what? Firewood? To smoke out an enemy? He goes, all of this will sell in Mexico. I have my, he said friends, I knew cousins. They would all, it all just goes right down to Mexico. They just drive it across the border. You guys have probably had it around here, too.

But where I'm at, I've sold a car that was not for sale. There's guys from Mexico that will drive around with a trailer and just go and ask you if you want to sell your car. In L.A., I used to get those under my windshield wiper. The Dodge Neon, same car. Hey, if you want to sell this car, call this number. I didn't. I should have.

Piece of shit. We need to take a break. Yeah, let's take a break. Sounds good. Blueapron.com. Again, after a month on the road, come back, and I get all this mail and shit I have to deal with, and I'm like, oh, fuck. Blue Apron.

It's monsoon season in the hot Arizona summer. And I'm picturing all this stagnating pork and fish and shit that's been rotting outside my front door. No. Chaley knows. Blueapron.com. You can suspend. Hey, I'm going out of town. Don't put rotting pork on my fucking front porch.

I put everything on hold while we were gone. It would have been a funnier commercial if you didn't. Boxes and boxes like Legos out front. Wasps swarming around. Yellow jackets. That's a problem out here. So I not only put the delivery on suspend, which you can do at any time. You can actually pause your subscription at any time.

And I also changed it. I changed it to vegetarian, and I had it delivered over to Tracy. It would be very funny to try to get Blue Apron delivered to our hotel on the road because all our gigs are one night. our hotel on the road, because all our gigs are one night. All right, Blue Apron is delivered to a fucking Motel 4 on the outskirts of rural route, wherever, in Schofield, Wisconsin, and then we try to make it in a microwave. That's a way funnier commercial.

The dilapidated inn. I was picturing it getting there the day after you left and some construction worker that doesn't speak English is trying to figure out why he's getting this. I think it's a bomb. I pictured the microwave in the lobby. We cook everything in, like where they do breakfast in the morning, the free breakfast.

Yeah, there's some pamphlets to go to see some waterfall as their only attraction other than the microwave. Your microwave and shrimp in the lobby overwhelming the Patel's food smell from the back. Couldn't hurt it. Couldn't hurt. It's a duel of stinks. Hey, by the way, Blue Apron's mission is to make incredible home cooking accessible to everyone, even with a microwave.

That's fantastic. I like Blue Apron does everything that you want them to do, including send it to your motel room when you're in Schofield, Wisconsin. Listen, this is how easy it is. You just go on and you say, I want to suspend it during this week, this week, this week, whatever. You can just do that. And you can change the address. I can get it sent on the road.

We will not have a way to cook it unless we do your breakfast nook at the motel. It's funny. Let's see if we can get it sent to one of those toll road highway rest area where you go, it's always fucking Burger King. Burger King, you motherfucking suck pieces of shit. You just capitalize on where you can get a contract where you don't have a choice.

And you know what? I do. Because Blue Apron at the concierge station, I go, hey, Burger King, can I use your microwave? Because I'm going to make sashimi fucking mushrooms, shrimp salad with fucking cuckoo potatoes. Wait a minute. Are you talking about saffron and tomato? fucking mushrooms, shrimp salad with fucking cuckoo potatoes. Wait a minute. Are you talking about saffron and tomato? Leave that in. I can't even fucking read this.

Bucatini? Oh, you guys are having bucatini? No, saffron and tomato bucatini pasta and sweet corn and pepper empanadas. We know what those are. Yes. I think. Burger King doesn't. No. Corn and pepper empanadas? We know what those are. Yes. I think. Burger King doesn't.

No. And you can also heat up purple rice and miso spinach bowls. Hey, can we get some of your extra large coffee cups? We want to make a purple rice and miso spinach bowl. You know what? With the road, being on the road, wouldn't it be great if Blue Apron could deliver after like 3 a.m.? When we're like, oh, fuck, I'm hungry all of a sudden. Can I get Blue Apron at 3 a.m.? Because Domino's stops at like 145.

Just make an app and Morgan Murphy will buy it. Charge whatever. If you say you'll deliver at 3 a.m., uncooked pork could lead to, fuck it, I'm eating it. You know, the great thing is that Blue Apron ships the exact amount of each ingredient required for each recipe. And they're reducing food waste. So there's not too much pork. I'm a huge fan of not wasting to a hoarder kind of extent. Yeah, why would you spend a lot in restaurants or a high end grocery chain?

I peel one of those packets of salt, you know, the paper packets you get in a three tubes, three tubes. Yeah. And I, I, I set it up right in case I need salt later.

It's a fucking weird, you really do that. Yeah, I'll do that. But then I'll like later in the day, go, that's fucking salt who cares but for a while i've been with you for like eight years i've never seen you do that because i don't i try not to be around you when i eat jesus that's weird hey you know what those

who spend a lot at restaurants or at high-end grocery chains can now spend under ten dollars per person for a delicious meal. Yeah, and act like you're a fancy fuck when you're trying to make a meal for a chick. No, I can cook. I love to cook for the ladies because I don't have $140 to take you out. No, I'm a fancy cook. Do you know that Guy Fieri guy? Yeah, I have the same hair, and I can cook a better meal

that just showed up in a box outside of my door, like your cat will when we break up years later. Actually, $10 a piece, and you can still afford to go to Dairy Queen afterwards. How do we get to Blue Apron? What's their address? Do you have to drive there? Actually, they come to you, Doug. Oh, that's right.

Each meal comes right to your door with a step-by-step, easy-to-follow recipe card and pre-portioned ingredients, including pork, and can be prepared in 40 minutes or less. Even my fans can do it? Even... Well, hold on. Yeah, it says right here, even Doug Stano's fans can do this. I wonder if other podcasts, we should make them do it. Even, well, hold on. Yeah, it says right here, even Doug Stanhope's fans can do this. I wonder if other podcasts, we should make them do that.

Listen, when you send out ad copy, even if it's Bill Burr or fucking Sam Tripoli, whoever, it's so easy, even Doug Stanhope's fans, they have to read that copy. They get the same copy, yeah. I was just thinking that they put, read that part again. I was thinking they may have put that many peas in there just to fuck with you each meal comes with a step-by-step easy to follow recipe card and a pre-proportioned ingredients and can be prepared in 40 minutes or less hey you're popping the mic they've got a separate deal with the pop filters that they're working out amazon all right i think i have to read something at the end and with my giant muggy rocky chalazion i i

will read the call to action listeners you now sign up foron. Check out this week's menu. Get your first three meals free. No such thing as a free lunch. But, yeah, there is. I made it happen for you. I made your dad wrong. Free shipping. Go to blueapron.com slash Stanhope.

Can you spell it? You will love how good it feels. No, Chad, go to that. There you spell it? You will love how good it feels. No, Chad. Go to that. There you go. Barry White. Oh, where am I? You will love how good it feels. No, no.

I'm going to be your coach. You're going to love. Oh, I thought I was doing it conversational. No, you're making love to it. That's a lot of different conflicting instructions. Making love to a Chinese, no, Japanese boy who looks like a lady, but you're trying to. I love that he goes, not Chinese, Japanese. Why is this picturing the guy?

You will love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron. So don't wait. Ow! Oh, too strong. Blue Apron, a better't wait. Ow! Oh, too strong. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. No, no. Oh.

Oh! Oh, I said that. See, they fuck you up when they don't have numbers. It's just bullet points. Keep this. Fuck it. You keep this.

That's blueapron.com slash Stanhope. I love how you say my name because Blue Apron, that's a better way to cook. All right, we're back. I have some shit I don't even want to talk about, but I know what you're going to talk about. I'm just going to make sure I don't. Go ahead.

Facebook, which you use. I don't. Well, does anyone post? I have Facebook. Does anyone post on your Facebook? Well, Hennigan posts dates and stuff, and if I need something, like occasionally, hey, I'm stranded on the side of the highway. Or does anyone have a flamethrower?

If people see something on your Facebook, someone is maintaining it. Yeah, someone is maintaining it. Yeah, someone's maintaining it. I just don't check the comments and all that bullshit. It's way worse than Twitter. Yeah, because people aren't limited to 140 characters, and people aren't going to unfollow them if they fucking comment 400 times. That's why. And then people get into infighting

in the comments and it's just too fun i don't use it very often but i was listening to i had to listen to a book on like marketing and stuff for my homework for audiobook uh narration and uh we'll get to that next podcast so i was i've been i've been trying to interact more on facebook and stuff and uh so i got a message we've talked about before like getting just weird crazy messages and which people then when you you respond you're in that mood where you go hey i'm gonna be a nice guy and i'll interact and then you get the one fucking guy who goes oh this is a friendship now that's that's the most common thing i think that happens. But then you get some that are just fucking rambling and bizarre that don't make sense at all.

And I think some of them are like trolls they call people, I guess, that are just trying to get you to fucking respond. Like this one that I got, I thought this was like a South African scam one almost because, well. Nigerian. Nigerian lottery winners. I say that like I'm defending white pride. Not South Africa. We wouldn't do that.

You want me to just read you the message? Yeah, yeah. Read the message yeah yeah read the read the message okay and chaley you say what this is we'll we'll play uh how do we respond so yeah because i was fucking nice and oh don't tell it you're queering it dude says dude what the hell is wrong with her call me she just ran off with my property property and stiffed me with a massive bill my number is which is that's what threw me off please call me what the hell is going on with what the hell's going on her fucking family is burning up my phone apparently she's lost her

shit call me please i don't know i don't go to bars i don't do this shit but what the hell is going on so I didn't that was I don't even think I saw that like that was just went by without me knowing it he looked up Chad Shrank who is his best friend and this is a this is a woman oh it's a woman yes and it's then I get

a bunch of question marks what the hell is her problem bro why is she accusing me of fucking you? Okay, LOL, I know she's losing her shit, but what the hell? Do you know me? Fuck, I don't fuck around. It's got a bunch like she was doing. So these are separate in a row.

Yeah, and the cuss words are all fucking asterisked out. On a non-censored site? Do you know me? Fuck, I don't fuck around. I've been fucking celibate what the fucking fuck i'm assuming these are just f words with asterisks lol i don't do the bar scene and she accused me of fucking you then she accused me of going to bars with you dude you know me you've known me for years now what the hell is this crazy shit she shows up and puts 240 worth of my clothing walks out the door and stiffs me with a goddamn fucking bill of 80 and fucking beats feet what the fuck is up with this crazy bitch

there then her fucking family auntie honey betsy what the fuck ever louis lewis what the fuck is going on chad okay even my friend a, bro, we might keep some distance. But whoops, come on. What is your deal? She's losing her shit. Apparently, she's mentally ill since her childhood. This is news to me. You know more.

Fuck, I don't even want to keep reading this. I'm already for my opinion. Sorry, I'm already wrong. Okay, so it just keeps going. I'll go down. But she said my name. Well, what's your deal, bro? I'm about to wash my hands of this woman.

You know we've never done that. Okay. So I wake up. Lost your hands? I wake up. I shouldn't have paraphrased that way. Sorry. I wake up in the morning and I see this. So I messaged back.

I think you messaged the wrong person. Because there's a phone number in it. Even though the rest of it is disjointed and rambling i'm like all right then i already called it chad frank yeah that stank you get the fucking wrong guy that's what i would have thought so yeah so i get a message immediately back this is 6 44 in the morning when i woke up no remember we had a long talk last night about Lewis and what's going on and that we're both worried about her. She's losing her you know and just not doing very well.

And then we were talking about the court thing. LOL. Do you not remember asking me what you should do? It's me. Yes, I was responding. So now I'm like, all right, somebody's just fucking with me because I've clearly said you messaged the wrong person, and now you're fucking with me.

And there's a thread you can go back and see. And you can click on people's profiles. This person had friended me. I was friends with this person. I started accepting friend requests from just whoever a while back. Yeah, you do that early on, and then you regret it once you become Chad Shank status. So I responded back, but then now I was being a smartass do that early on and then you regret it you know once you become chad shank status so so i responded

back and then i but then now i was being a smart ass because i i was like all right somebody's fucking with me and i just said oh of course how could i have forgotten our long talk about lewis sorry see you in the loony bin then thinking i would be done with this conversation. What do you mean? She says. Liz, are back on Chad S. Facebook? I speak text, so forgive my grammatical errors. So now I was going, all right, that's Nigerian fucking phone scam. Please forgive my grammatical errors is a standard thing in those. But speak text means they're speaking broken English into the phone

and there's a conversion taking place. Right, right. Are you okay? And hey, how about you stop stalking the guy's Facebook and causing trouble? This is just weird, girl. What is going on with you and your family? Burned up my phone last night liz i know this is you on chad's facebook right now and that's nuts girlfriend that is crazy okay i care for you both

i don't know what's going on with you but i'm pretty sure you sat in my house and we're surfing his facebook and responding to people so chad i'm pretty sure this is you again. By the way, that's fucked up. Okay, that's really weird. So now I'm confused, but now I'm agitated by it. I was trying to be nice at first, but now I'm agitated. So I just said, Liz killed herself. I hope you're happy with what you've done. No response?

Oh, I wish. That was what I was hoping would happen was no response oh i wish that was what i was hoping would happen was no response not funny liz not funny at all she says what so i said i'd show you a picture but the cops are here and they'll probably think i'm weird if I take one now. That works on the timeline. Liz, I know this is you on Chad's Facebook. What is going on with you, girlfriend? This is not okay. This is not normal.

Are the cops there? They probably need to be. What's your crazy? What's going on with you? I'm going to just start skipping stuff. You know this is not my problem. None of this is my problem. Give me back my money. What's going on?

Get off this man's Facebook. That's nuts. Give me a time frame. How long has this gone on? Hours? First to last. I can look and see probably what the time stamp is but it started i this i woke up at like six in the morning and i read this and just i started and she was immediately

responding back as soon as i would type there would be little dots let me just interject if you get a fucking really crass email from me like Fuck you. You fucking fuck. Check the time, because it's about that time of the morning where I wake up self-hatred, and I want to put it on you for your dumb question. So look at the time stamp. Wake up or go to sleep.

You sometimes get in a jag at the end, but the real vitriol comes out in the morning. Just want to make that clear. Well, that's when you hate yourself the most. I know. And you have to put it on someone else. Well, I tried to be a diplomat, and she didn't let me. So then I just went on Google Images and found a stock photo of a woman hanging herself in a hallway that's like an art photo though

that's kind of a glamour shadowed yeah i wanted it i wanted it to be very vague because i don't know what liz looks like yeah is if you're gonna kill yourself anyone if you're gonna hang yourself on 60 minutes and they didn't want to show who the person was, that's the photo. Ansel Adams was into suicide photos. Oh, by the way, the chick that was messaging me, the other reason why, because I clicked it and I was like, all right, this is just a fucking troll message, is because it was like a hot blonde who was a yoga instructor with just a bunch of fucking memes of chicks doing yoga.

And I'm like, this is a, you know. Oh, dude, that's me. It's not a real account. Like, I'm just fucking fangirling my fucking rage on this. So I text this fucking picture of the black and white vague picture of this chick hanging in a hallway and it said, told ya. If you could just put a Shaley Challenge photo.

Me cannonballing in the back. So I get back. Liz, that is psychotic. That is seriously psychotic. Your family wants to baker act you. I love you. This is fucked up. She starts mentioning kids' names.

I won't say that. Your kids are unsafe. You're a horrible, sick-in-the-head mother. You're say that uh your kids are unsafe you're a horrible sick in the head mother you're gonna lose your kids every woman named liz can sue us right now yeah yeah well and i might have substituted a different name well you went from lewis to liz somewhere no i'm just reading um that was part of why it seems so crazy. So then she tells me, they're going to take your kids. You're going to take your kids. So I said, so I'm still pretending I'm me because I haven't admitted that I'm somebody else.

I said, cops took them. They cut her down and took her away. I'm going to take a nap. Stop by later if you want. And I did a winking emoji uh just to make it legit yeah yeah uh this is all saved on my phone and you seriously need to go to the clinic for mental help i don't mean that in a bad way but you're stalking you're on this person's facebook your kids are not safe so i just said so you're not stopping by commit to the bit again another huge one you're not mentally well right now you need serious help

it's not okay you're gonna lose your children you're sending me psychotic pictures of some other woman hanging in a hallway. I was disappointed with that because I was like, damn, I didn't trick her at all. Yeah, maybe I should have had a picture of a fat woman. We all went with fat. Chasey did it on the side. All right, all right. Again, I'm starting to feel bad again reading all of this.

Call in your family. You have serious mental problems. You're insane. So then I just said, all right, this got boring fast. I'm just going to delete you. You need serious mental help. Serious mental help. This is malicious.

You're vindictive. You're violent, aggressive. You're beyond psychotic. You've been doing this. All right. Don't play games with me so i said are you fucking serious with this because now i can't do it anymore did you even look at who you're talking to i'm not sure who's fucking with who now because i still don't know i'm like i'm convinced this is not a real person. Did you forget you did this in front of my face? Did you forget you tried to do it from my phone? Crazy.

Did you? Because it's saved on my phone. Boom. Okay. Yes, you did that. You did that from my phone. You did it from his phone. We all have proof. Crazy. Yes, you're busted. So I said, so you think you can lock someone up because you have messages from a stranger's account? I said, it sounds like you are the crazy one. And then I'm assuming she finally clicked on my profile because the next message I got was, please do not contact me again. And scene. I then click on this person's account and go through the whole thing until I find a picture that says

me and Liz. And I go, oh shit. I click on that account. It goes to here. In a relationship with Chad Shank. There's another dude named chad shank this was all serious and i was being a fucking dick i i can't apologize she blocked me now what What about Chad Shank? You should friend him.

Hey, how's Liz? Well, and then I didn't realize I was blocked because then my other message back was after she said, don't contact me again, is I was like, wait, what about Liz? I'm worried now. What about the Dufresnes? Bush, search party of three. That was my weird Facebook message. That was fucking fantastic.

I hated Facebook at the beginning of that, and I loved it at the end because it is actually a source of entertainment, and it is ridiculous. At that hour, you know when you wake up at that hour and there's nothing going it's too early to even go get breakfast not that chad leaves the house and i understand like you know let's just fuck with this let's just keep prodding this beast well especially if you start out trying to be legit and go hey this is you know check check

who you talk to because now I've justified everything else I've done. I've already been nice, so I can just say whatever I want. It's not your job. They're coming at you. We couldn't call her on speakerphone. I do have her phone number. Yeah, she did block you, but she gave you the number too soon.

Nah, no. No, let's not. Let's do it off the air. No, for us. That would be fun. Cocktease the audience. Let's take a break. Consider it.

Yeah, we'll regroup. I think we're going to have to call. I'll do it on Star 67, and we'll just see if they answer. I can call from Skype, and then we can record it. But I could do it with a speakerphone. All right. We've got to use the burner phone then. We can do that.

All right, so let's figure out how this might go sideways. Yeah, she knows it's associated with Chad. Yeah, I know. That's why. All right, we'll take a break. Sidebar, Your Honor. Ten-minute recess. We'll be back.

Hi, I'm a nine-year-old girl, and you're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Hey, bro. Hey, what the hell is going on with Liz? Question mark. She just showed up in Tiffany with like an $80 bill. I took her out to eat, sober her up. She, um, what the hell? I don't do bars, bro. You fucking know that, bro.

She spit me with an, bill in fucking D.C. Her family is calling me, asking me what's wrong with her. They want to fake her after, bro. What the hell? This is not my problem. What the hell is going on?

What? No. I told her. Yeah, we jumped the gun. All right, Chad didn't realize he had a voice thing on Facebook. I didn't even know you could do voice things on Facebook, so I didn't notice that until later. That was one of the passages that you had read. Was it?

Yeah. The Baker Act. The Baker Act one. Which Baker Act means family members can get you incarcerated. Was it? Yeah. The Baker Act. The Baker Act one. Which Baker Act means family members can get you incarcerated. Involuntary. Like 48 hours

or something like that. Yeah. It's very popular. And it is very popular in Florida. It's very popular in Florida because that's a threat.

All right. Everyone's live. This is fun. All right. That's what I'm fun. All right. That's what I'm saying. All right. The cat even wants us to call. So let's fuck it.

We're going to call. I blocked the number. It's Kimberly, and it's about Liz and Chad. Speaker. And speaker. Come on, Kimberly. that's too many stop stop that is the difference between Facebook and Twitter. If she tweeted you that, you could retweet her phone number,

and hey, you put it out in public. I don't know if it's... Could you repost that on Facebook, and it's illegal to give out... Well, it was a private message, and I kind of felt like a dick enough for what i did i mean she was having a serious fucking situation well it turns out yeah she was having a serious situation you didn't know no and what you did was honestly you you tried to broach that that subject of are you sure you got the right person we didn't know you had a

recording this is why we need to burn her phone i didn't know person we didn't know you had a recording this is why we need a burner phone i didn't know that i didn't know you could have recordings on clearly that was a female in some kind of distress over the situation and not a nigerian warlord trying to get more money i think i would have changed my responses had i listened to that That's why we should always have one of the burner phones here when we do this shit. All right. Anyway, so Kimberly, you know, I hope everything

with the other Chad Shank. Did you even click on the other Chad Shank to see if he measures up? I clicked it to see if it was a person and it didn't have anything public. Or the millions of Chad Shanks that have adopted your moniker. Yeah, somebody has chadshank.com, dick.

Just got it recently. I went and looked, and somebody got it already. Rogan still has joerogan.net because some real estate guy has joerogan.com. And then at some point point he threw out some absurd figure to sell it and I go, why don't you just put your fans onto that guy and

break his spirit? Like how many people want to look at that property at 15 Elm Street every fucking day where that guy can't do business and then pays you that same... Well, it's probably illegal to harass people. That's his name.

Hedberg had the same thing. Hedberg had MitchHedberg.com. And then it was because someone else did it for him. And then that kid goes, hey, I don't want to do this anymore. Do you want to... He had Smacky the Frog on there. It was this whole thing, right? And then that's when I started working with Mitch.

And I go, where's your web presence? What are we doing here? And he goes, some kid. Maybe you should contact him. Well, he let it go, and it lapsed, and immediately – because, I mean, Hedberg, even in the infancy, people were hitting it, colleges. And immediately some Japanese porn company picked up on it or whatever, and I said – well, and then I looked into it. Well, what we do here is we can go to arbitration.

It will cost $10,000 minimum to get in there and go to arbitration. with Ask Jeeves, I think, at the time. Your name as MitchHedberg.net comes up, because I reserved that name, I go, that comes up second. So why even fucking go down this road? What do you want to do? And that's why I agree with Rogan.

Look, live and let live. That guy got it first, whatever. He doesn't want to take the offer. That doesn't matter. And it didn't hurt anything. I'm saying that's why you have to keep yourself in check where I would say, Hey, everyone fuck up this dude's whole fucking career. Cause he tried to high ball me on a dollar amount for his website.

When I'm the more obviously famous Joe Rogan of the Joe Rogans. And maybe you could get legal problems when you sick killer termites on people. You've got to think it through. Isn't highballing the most famous guy with that name called capitalism, though? Yeah, but it's also, well, all my fans will fuck with you i'm not saying that's unfair that's a response to capitalism i guess one guy that that is wearing all black even to this day back in the early 90s decided to register big mac.com now is he a fucking douchebag for realizing what was going to happen or speculating?

And then McDonald's comes along and goes, we want that and we deserve it. Fuck you. You're going to pay $20,000 for that. That's capitalism. That is the way it fucking goes. Absolutely. But when you can respond by retaliating. I think that should be a legal response to capitalism. That's why every fucking podcast we do, we should have a lawyer present.

Well, I just went with audioshank.com is what I got. That's fine. It just redirects to my Twitter account. I don't have a website. You figure your own. You figure your own. You will soon, sir. Let's get to the

fun shit. This is the all about Jack Shank. God damn it, why was she answering the phone? That was... You know what, now, let's try it one more time before I move on to the next subject. Move your mics back. We still have to do what we were going to do.

Got it, got it, got it. But now, she's perturbed. Who called? Now look, honestly, she's got a blocked number coming in Or a number she doesn't recognize I don't know what comes up You think this girl doesn't have bill collectors calling her?

Hang on It's quarter to eight Florida time Oh, we should wait until way later Yeah, we'll try Maybe we try one more time at the end of this podcast We've got plenty of booze We can do this forever Hold on We'll try it. Maybe we try it one more time at the end of this podcast. We've got plenty of booze. We can do this forever.

Hold on. Shit. Speak. I like the FBI. Please leave your message. Oh. Yeah, she fucking swiped reject. She works an early shift at the strip bar.

Still sleeping. No, she hit reject because it only rang twice. No, you left a message, and it went right to voicemail, which means that she's not answering the phone. No, I agree with Stanhope. She swiped it. She swiped it. It only rang twice. Last time it rang five fucking times.

She declined. Yeah, that's a reject. Yep. All right. By the end of this podcast should it end at all we will try one more time we will put out her phone number

I mean what were you going to say no I wasn't going to say that at all nor would our lawyer agree where's our lawyer we should have a sound effect we need a sound effect for the lawyer just to go to it alright let's go to it. All right.

Let's go to your alleged daughter. Oh. Because you, I thought there was, and we've never really brought her up on the podcast. No, no, no. A couple of times. A couple of times. But there was, off the podcast the podcast

i used to tell you guys horrific stories and then there was a long long stretch where yeah i go chad hasn't brought up the daughter wait a minute the last story you told me was things were working out that's the things have been going. She figured her shit out. Yeah. I'm surprised. It's been over a year now. That's why I said. She's moved out of town. She's on her own.

Yeah. No more problems. Yet. Here we are. Still, this one's not a problem. It sounds funny, but she's moved back to the town where her mother lives. All right. And she's never had any really contact with her mother for her whole life

until maybe some teenage years, a few times here and there. But she's got, I don't even know how many siblings she has. Her mother has like 10 kids maybe or so from different dudes. Was Tom Joad one of them you made a you made a arm motion like you're describing the girth of her vagina like by the this many dudes or the width of a sunrise yeah that may have been a subconscious motion i I'm not sure. That's how I read it. But she's been in contact. She's been trying to keep in touch with all of these little half-siblings that she has all over, which has been one of the positive things

because she found out that everybody there is all fucked up too, and she's been trying to be like a positive role model for younger siblings that she has. So she's been trying to be like a positive role model for younger siblings that she has so she's been doing really well but she recently found out that uh some of her siblings her mom lied about who their father was so there's been a bunch of confusion and drama and uh we're not just trying to uh bait 23andMe.com into sponsorship. Oh, do they do that? DNA. I looked it up on Amazon, and I was like, oh, that's like fucking 12 bucks.

I can do that. And then you read further, and they want you to pay a big lab fee and stuff. So not only did she find out. We will never be sponsored by 23andMe.com, by the way. And anyone who does it's a fucking... Hold on a second. 23andMe is actual science.

Well, it's just still... For what? You're going to find out you're the same person you already are. No, you're reacting to the shitty commercials. This is the best application I can give. I was adopted. I don't even know my dad. I met the best application I can give. We're having a fight here.

I was adopted. I don't even know my dad. I met my mom when I was fuck, I don't even know, in my 20s. Right? Yeah. Like knowing the genetic background would be interesting to me. So they're not shams on that. Jenny's made the same point to me

because she doesn't know her dad. I had an ex who was jamming me up for some shit oh you never tell us totally fake and i found i i i looked into it the the numbers i got which may be different now was 75 percent of the men who think that they are the father in a situation where, like, you're the dad, incorrect. Yeah. Because the law is on the women's side because all she has to say is who's the father. Fuck women. No, I'm sorry. What I'm saying is, well, you're not disparaging 23andMe.

I'm disparaging the commercials They're fucking awful I've never heard of them But the science is there That's why I like coffee Because I have a genetic disposition To caffeine Oh, now I'm going to go to Italy

Because I found out I'm part Italian And that's why I like fucking boats Up and down Venice So it's not that it's not science, it's on principle. Turns out I am an octoroon. I'm so slutty because my mom was slutty.

I only thought New Orleans was a street. That's on my first album about I'm promiscuous because I'm a Sagittarius. No, you're a whore. And that's the same thing. But the science behind it is what it is. I mean, we don't have a relationship between 23andMe,

but what I'm saying is that is something that I am kind of interested in in that I don't know. So we are begging 23andMe for a fucking... Well, we'll see what happens. Get a hold of Chad on his Facebook. Also, in addition to finding this out she started meeting other

well there was like a couple of dudes that whenever this first happened I kind of was new I didn't have a relationship with this chick we did a bunch of blow at a bar and then we spent like a three day weekend together.

Oh, I probably shouldn't be telling. My daughter will probably listen to this. She's an adult. I don't care. Do you want to back up on that? No, no. We're fine. I was young.

I mean, I was a kid. You plunked seed, and then bad things happened. Yeah, yeah. I remember a broken rubber. It was incidences that happened so that when a couple months later, whenever I started getting phone calls that I ignored out of fear for like three days, I remember the exact conversation when she called me. She was like, hey, what's up?

And she said, I took a test is the first thing she said to me. And I go, I'm guessing you failed or you wouldn't be calling me. This is exactly what I said. He had it as a kid. Even back then, Chad, Chad, Chad,

Chad had the fuck. She didn't call you and tell you, Hey, guess what? I'm not pregnant. Yeah. Victory. I hadn't talked to her since that weekend.

And then, but, but then I knew, uh, she was, she was, she had troubles, troubles you know she's been in prison in and out pretty much my whole my daughter's life so at that time i was headed down a bad road of uh like gang type violence i was doing you know collecting money and stuff like that so i thought

about it and i was like well probably that dude that dude or that dude, those are dudes that had her previous kids. I was like, it's probably me or that dude or that dude, but both of those dudes were fucking sketched out. I was like, this poor baby probably has a better chance with me than anybody else. Either I have to go all the way this way, or I'm going to go all the way this way. I just fucking decided to take knowing, even because I went to one of the doctors, the road properly traveled. Well,

cause I know that I'm fucking extreme. So I had to, you know, one extreme or the other, this one, I'll probably be alive in a few years if I go this way, cause I have to take care of this other person this way. I will probably either be a running some sort of drug organization or dead.

So I went this way knowing, will probably either be running some sort of drug organization or dead. So I went this way knowing. Even when I went to one of the doctor's appointments, I asked the doctor, I was like, is there a way to tell that it's, you know, and she got mad about it. Oh. Yeah. Red flag.

When I took the baby home from the hospital, she told me flat out, if you do a dna test with that afro comb in its hair there's she has brothers she has brothers and sisters that look like that and i definitely would have known that uh but she told me at the hospital too when i was taking her if you do a dna test i won't let you take her. And I knew then, too. But again, my options were to keep going and be in the person I was or be a different person that was hopefully a better person than the person I was. Like, I don't have, I'm not a person for real.

I can just fucking adapt to whatever situation. So I chose that situation. So now she's curious to see if I'm really her dad. And Rich runs into when. I'm a little bit curious now myself. It won't make any difference at this point because I'm. It's done. It's done, but.

Yeah. Still. All right, 23andme.com. They're not a sponsor. But that's actually what happened. Oh, wait. How about, is Maury Povich still on the air?

Let's make this big. That's what I was thinking, too. We could do Maury Povich stuff. Steve, his security guy is still there. Yeah. I can probably get the other two dudes that I suspect to offer up some DNA.

To be in the room? They're both meth heads. I'd probably give them like 20 bucks. They'd give me some DNA. Give them a fucking... You know the scam from the movies in the first 48? Give them a fucking Diet Pepsi

and then grab the can. With a plastic glove on. That might work, except for that I haven't seen these people in 20 years. So if I walked up and handed them a Diet Pepsi, I'd probably look suspicious. Nah, they're parched. Meth does really dehydrate a lot. Actually, if they're Mexican, probably Fanta. They are. They are.

They are. Fanta, that's a New England product. Really? That's international. Fanta, the good flavors are out of this country. All right. All right. Well, we'll find out.

Is she coming back this way soon? No, she can just go. No, she's working. Scrape them all. Exactly. But it doesn't matter. Well, and that's the thing is that she has a good sense of humor, which is why actually one of the things,

she is fucked up in the head the same ways that I am. So it's a good nature versus nurture argument too because she's fucked up exactly the same way I am. She's manipulative in the ways I am. So it's a good nature versus nurture argument too because she's fucked up exactly the same way I am. She's manipulative in the way as I am. She's got a lot of my personality traits. We'll see what the study shows. She's super good looking.

There's a lot of things that don't point to her being mine as well. I'm curious. She's curious. But neither one of us care. Super good looking like how hot? I'm not showing you a picture of my 20-year-old daughter. Well, then you're different than Officer Bob Friendly who goes,

oh, look at my daughter. She's really hot. Marry her. Get her out of my house. She's making me crazy. When my parents, two weeks before my brother and I were twins, before we were born, the lawyer who was handling the adoption called my parents and said, turns out she's spitting out two. I'm paraphrasing.

Turns out we're spitting out two. Do you want to go with one of the other moms? Because this was all done in the newspaper. And my parents were like, no, no, we'll take both of them, right? So we – and my parents decided at birth that when we could understand what was going on, they always said we were adopted. It was our anniversary day, which was in October. And that was one of those things. We always knew we were adopted.

It was always open that we were adopted, and it was never a thing. It was always open that we were adopted, and it was never a thing. So when I did meet my mom, my birth mom. And punched her in the face directly. My parents freaked out. One of the only times I saw my dad cry was that time. Ah, hang on. Chaley's going to cry.

Let's milk it. Fuck, I let Tracy leave the room. Because Tracy would, if Chaley cries, Tracy will cry. It'll be the. Like dominoes. It was a thing. It really affected them. But then my whole thing was letting them know, that doesn't matter to me who raised me, which is, Chad, your situation. It doesn't matter that there's someone else

because the person that put the time in is what matters. Yeah. And like I said, she has my sense of humor. We share a lot of jokes. But she can get that from being around you. That's what I'm saying. That's nature versus nurture. I'm literally curious to know.

Well, one of the things, before she went and got her shit together, she started to get into drugs and stuff, and her mother was into drugs and stuff. And one of the things I told her, I was like, it kind of makes me feel like I wasted my whole time because I could have just left you with those people if that's the fucking way you were going to go. And it worked.

She straightened her shit up, so I'm proud of her. But you were with someone who was like that. It seems like there's that kind of thing where you don't know where you're going to go. And it ends up that she just went to the other side. I have no answers. I'm curious to see. She's curious to see. I do a bit when I'm stuck about the Sklar twins,

which I think is funny and would be very funny in New York or L.A., but in the middle of the country, people don't fuck. It's a tough road to hoe. It's a weird fucking bit. But the point of the bit is twins are, they always act like they're different, but they never really are. But when you hear stories about twins, hang on, someone's here. Are you burning the bit?

No, no, I'm saying that when you hear about twins that have been separated at birth and find each other, I always wonder, is it that thing like we were talking about, like astrology, where they try to find how they're exactly alike. Oh, you like cream pie? I like cream pie. Not the porn, but – or maybe the porn. But however it works, where they're just trying to figure out how they're exactly alike and ignoring how they're exactly different based on nature nurture. So I like that uh

we'll field your arguments on twitter no i'll tell you what though uh when i finally met my birth mom and uh my brother and i ended up getting a fight and it was uh we didn't talk to each other for two years huge huge fucking fucking deal we never spent and at the same time he was with a gal who wanted to break us up as as siblings what the fuck is that right but i gotta tell you it's evil that uh meeting her answered a lot of questions like like the whole thing fuck you stanhope come on god damn you're fucking crying on the podcast. He loves it when people cry. But Tracy hasn't started crying yet, so keep going. Can I get a drink?

God damn it. Listen, when I met her, my birth mom, there was no... It was a weird... Conoption fit. Yes, yes, yes, yes. No. All right, go ahead. Go ahead.

Here's a weird thing. A lot of things, like Uncle Bill. I have a stepbrother, Evan, who lives in Santa Cruz. He's been to a show. Yeah, yeah. Seeing them and noticing that connection meant more to me at that moment than I ever thought it would. Fuck you.

I'm letting you go. You're fucking soaking this in. But honestly, that was a big thing. And you've seen all these people. There is a through line on all this that I never thought mattered until I met them. And it meant nothing in my relationship with my parents. Right. Shaylee, I know exactly what you're saying.

My daughter was very lost for a while, and I couldn't help her no matter what. And then meeting and knowing all of her siblings and stuff has really helped her. Like I said, it's made her so. I get what you're saying. That makes sense. I don't know how to make fun of you.

Shaylee, I do. I looked at Stan Hope as I said that. Oh, you met my birth mom in Medford. Yeah. Oh, good. She was at that show? Yeah. Oh, my God.

That was the worst show ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back to Pablo Francisco. She's not a big fan of you, by the way. Whose mom is? whose mom is remember remember when we were crying on the airplane after whiskey girl died yeah yeah the whole flight yeah and but you turned to me side by side seats we flew first class that time and you looked at me and go but it's good radio as you're crying and you crying that's good radio if you fucking edit this out i'm gonna listen to this podcast

yeah chad shank huh no tears no i got you i got where we're going. Because you have a Netflix recommendation. We got to... But we... Should we take a break? Let's all hug Chaley. No, fuck off. Let's go.

Let's go to the spot break. Well, I have to do the thank yous. We've been on the road for a fucking month. So I'm going to speed through them right now. No, no, no. Let's do a spot break and then that. All right, spot break. I need a tissue.

Kleenex. Kleenex.com. Go to Kleenex.com when you listen to the great J. Lee. This is one of my favorite podcasts in a long time. Yeah, I missed you guys. It seemed really gay, but I missed you guys. I'm not used to missing people. It was weird.

It was nice to hear, because last time we saw you, you were a little violent. We're still rolling. Should I stop this? Are we on a spot break? I thought that's probably what you guys would make fun of me for the entire podcast as soon as you guys got back.

We let you do that yourself. Again. What am I putting on? My glasses. I was reading glasses. It's the opposite now. What are you doing? Thank you. He doesn't need them.

He doesn't have contact lenses. Oh shit, that's right. He doesn't have contact. Oh, shit. That's right. Yeah. I keep. It's so. He's got his crusty glasses. He's waving at the fence.

And I go, hey. And I grab my glass. I go, oh, no. Now I see who it is. What? You didn't know it was me? I know. I knew it was you.

He saw the hat. Kind of like what looked like a hat. At some point, this is what I see. All right. This is a lot of thank yous in a row. And as always, I will miss some. But we were on the road for a month and came back to a devastating amount of shit at 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603.

Send it to Zoom. Someone sent to Doug McCloud some, I don't get the ball cream. It's one of those make your balls smell fresh, like at our age. Oh, shit. That's this. That's Fresh Body. Yeah. Yeah.

He sent it to Doug McLeod without a name. So anyway, metal flower. We met this guy on the road. He made us a metal flower in the colors of the house. Sorry, I can't. If you're waving at me, you're a fucking bore, J. I was going to say the fresh balls, the ball scrub that you don't even know I'm motioning to. I said I'm going to speed through these.

It's freshballs.com. All right. Thank you. Thank you know I'm motioning to you. I said I'm going to speed through these. Freshballs.com. Thank you. Drew Schwessinger. Schwessinger. You figure out how to spell it. He makes these metal flowers. It's beautiful. It matches the house. Brian Burke.

You know what? I'm just going to mention your name. I'm not even going to mention why, but he bought the red jacket off the last eBay yard sale and sent a picture framed of him at Machu Picchu wearing. Nice. So you are going to mention why. Well, no, there's another thing. There's another thing I don't want to mention.

I'll tell you off the air. Lisa Connelly sent us all these refrigerator magnets that Tracy might have noticed are all over the, and she sent, I think other shit. Well, we asked for matches, matchbooks,

a lot of people, bar top for Andrew. He's a lot of people sent those, but she sent a shitload coasters. And I don't even know if I want to do that bar top, but we asked you to send them and you did. Some anonymous person sent the poop scoop you i don't know it's to pick up poop with i we appreciate it but i think the handle's too short yeah that would be pretty gross after the first time you used it

unless you want to yeah thank you just shut up and say thank you stanhope wait now i want to see this what do you gotta like bend over and scoop it in with your hand i don't know it's not just picks it up like a grabber like a bug grabber but it's like only eight inches it's like you're almost there anyway yeah and then and then it would be covered in poop uh john clavis or clavis sent uh the national lampoon 10th uh anniversary hardcover. Oh, that's good.

Tom Knopp is already into it. And also I wrote down journal going, I'll remember. Oh, Tom, you're the one that fucking pointed that out. So weatherproof journal where you can write in a bathtub or naked and afraid in a rainstorm. write in a bathtub or naked and afraid in a rainstorm. If you picked

a journal and a pencil to take. Your partner would hate you. Really not a fire starter for a knife? My notes suck so much. Lynn Galleria Galleria She sent something.

Someone sent a whole vintage tuxedo. The three of you sent something. Jeff Van Gonca sent a vintage tuxedo. I haven't tried it on yet. It's still wrapped in the plastic in the pants. I'm sure too small until the AIDS kicks in. But a yellow, just, what's the movie dumb and dumber like old school vintage yellow tuxedo very fucking cool we still have to do that we do this as soon as the podcast

is over we steve and portland sent all these vintage ties where chaley and i are gonna pick the ties like we're picking kickball. I'll take that one. All right, I'll take that one. I'll take that one. Wait, who goes first? We'll flip a coin. Jesus, didn't you ever play kickball? I think you should breathalyzer off for it.

Paul Wiley sent a bunch of camel matches. Yes, that's a great idea. Get the breathalyzer ready. Whoever blows highest wins. And I'm guessing by the tears, I win. What? Someone sent a $5 toke chip. Not a toke, but a chip from the Winner's Circle in Winnemucca.

Wow. That's the gig I went to when I outed Butters on Christmas. Drove north. And I went, yeah. So there's a $5 chip from Potts was the last name. 20 bucks. You got 20 bucks in cash. Yes, thank you very much.

I appreciate it. Someone sent these really great wood signs that say Doug and Bingo, the Bingamons, three different signs. Funhouse. From Anchorage. Yeah, from Anchorage. Lane Ran, if I can read your Lane Ran. If I can read your... Lane Ran. If you can read your writing about their name.

Yeah, they wrote it more fucked up than me. Oh, okay. Oh, someone had a Freemasons member token for the alleged bar top that got sent to the wrong address. But yeah, now we're, we're fucking Freemasons. That's Rob.

Squeaky tiki. Oh, okay. So there's two people with ties. We're still put them all in a big box. Squeaky tiki sent the big box of vintage ties. They're out of manlius, New York. And any other thank yous?

We've got Golden Frog Press, Vince Duggar. Oh, that's these weed comic books and stuff. Doug and I aren't into the weed culture, but he sent well done comic books. Listen, all this is very nice.

The bong raps are really cool. Is that a thing? To be honest with you, I'm not into weed culture either. I'm just into weed. It's like my medicine, so I don't know. But these are cool. 420 is just another minute he has to live.

So I guess we'll just send this out. I spend most of my days hoping I don't have to smoke weed, but I always have to. That you don't hit 420? Yeah. Shit. I hope my mind doesn't make me have to smoke weed today.

Is that all the? Oh, fuck. The T-shirt. That's brilliant. My new favorite T-shirt that these guys brought me says Shank Audio on the front of it with a skull with headphones, and it even says HD Fatty on the back. I don't know who it's from. It just says to Chad.

Yeah, they were on one of the last podcasts. You know who you are. That's my new favorite shirt. Thanks. And it says Shank Audio and my website that I bought is audioshank.com and then I made a Twitter account that is Shank Audio, but I haven't done anything

with it yet. I'm still learning audiobooks. I don't need to promote them yet. And marketing, apparently. I don't need to market something I don't know how to do yet, but I'm working on it. Alright, Chad, you have a Netflix. We're going to close out on your Netflix recommendation, which I need now because I've got a few weeks off before we go back

on the road. Fuck! God damn it! We didn't plug dates. I'm going to do it right now. That's on my list. All right. Well, let's do it right now. That's the last segment. Well, that is. Now, this is the last segment.

We start in DeKalb. And oh, my God. I remember being there on one of the most fucked up shows with Jeff Tate. We start in Champaign, by the way. Oh, I thought it was DeKalb. Well. All right. Well, you tell me. Where, I thought it was DeKalb. Well. All right. Well, you tell me.

Where are we going? The list is over there. I gave it to you today. We start in Champaign, I know, because that's where the van's parked. But it's Champaign, Illinois. Yeah. All right. It's two hours.

We're good. All right. I thought it was. All right. Then it's one of the. It's either Champaign or DeKalb that was the fucked up one where we're doing the podcast in the back room with Jeff Tate and Brett Erickson

last time we were there. Oh, yes. They're both fucking gigs. I go, I'm never going back to this place, so I don't care. Oh, we're going back. Eat crow, faggot. It was like a clubhouse that a bunch of the arguing rascals, when they got older, said, let's build a clubhouse.

And then they got a liquor license. But it was towards the end of the tour where we gave more of a shit about the podcast and the show. I think the podcast actually was revolving whoever was not on stage. The show was better backstage there were like couches like from like different like parts of the state there was just all highway salvage fun highway salvage couches yeah bunch of mexican guys dropped them off off the back of their trucks then we're in rochester minnesota duluth hey you what? It's a fucking 88-seater, and everyone's giving me shit.

Sold out. It's sold out. Yeah, of course. It's 88 fucking seats. But I can't wait to go back to Duluth. I have fun stories. I'll tell you when I get there. I'm pushing for that, by the way.

Rather than standing shows, fucking cut the capacity and do a sitting show. Well, there's two standing shows, but I don't think they're confirmed. There are two standing shows. No. You said on the last podcast. It's fucking Hennigan. You said on the last podcast, I'm never doing a standing show again. But Hennigan books these fucking tours.

Ralphie Bay or Ron White or all these guys, they're booked for fucking New Year's Eve 2020, and we start a two-and-a-half-week tour, and we don't know where it ends. We show up, and it's no seats and no PA. Hey, Shaley, figure it out. I have to accept some blame for this. I'm probably hard to work with,

where I quit comedy every other night, and I don't remember I said it. Well, you missed it. We're in show field. Chad Shanks said, probably? Well, come on. As we said in a bender the other night, on a night off,

it's the top-down kind of problem. You're fucking crying on podcasts. Hennigan's got eye surgery. Who does that during a tour? Don't let my emotions dictate how this podcast goes. Oh, it's a shit surgery. Don't let my emotions dictate how this podcast goes. Let my drunkenness. Alright, this is a town

I've never even heard of. What is it? Showfield, Wisconsin. Cuckoo's Nest Comedy Club. That would be a good gig. In Showfield, Wisconsin at Cuckoo's Nest. I love it.

I love it when their whole career falls apart from your eyes. I love that Cuckoo is like C-O-O-K-O-O. They wanted to stand apart. K-O-O-C-O-O. They're nuts. They're different coos. They're zany.

And then we go to rookies, which we remember. Cheer up, Chaley. Chaley, cheer up. You're a homosexual and everyone knows up. Thank you, Junior. You had to be there. You had to be there, and we have to be there again.

That's home of Brad from Brad and Kelly. Skyline Comedy Club, our good friend Cliff. We're going back there. He's in the new book, by the way. You can pre-order the new book. This Is Not Fame by Doug Stano. Pre-order it now at Amazon.com. Then Milwaukee, our triumphant return to Milwaukee,

where last time some fucking stooge, like you were talking about, snuck backstage, but he stole our shit. I forget. He stole the booze box. We had a really cool, like, Tracy, what do they call those things? It's a vanity. It's from the 70s, a Samsonite vanity that we had all the booze bottles in. It was really fucking cool.

Yeah. It holds the glass and the mixer in the bottle. All right. Then we are on to these are there's more dates coming out. Don't worry. Brian Hennigan. If you see a day off, he'll fill it the day before. So be on the mailing list at Doug Stanoff dot com.

And you will find out first that we're playing down the street the next fucking day that we don't know about. We should, I don't know, I should get on the mailing list to figure out where the fuck I'm playing, because you probably find out before I do. Well, I check brown paper tickets. Muskegon. And I put in Stanhope.

Back Alley Comedy Club. I like it by the name. In Muskegon, Michigan. The legend lives on from the Chippewa down to the big lake they call Gitche Gumee. I think then we take a booze cruise to get across the fucking ocean. No, that was previous to that. I don't know. Kalamazoo.

This time, we're under a roof. Last time we were in Kalamazoo, I remember that motherfucker. Outdoor Halloween-themed thing where you're outdoor and you're facing apartment buildings across the street and I was just hurling Nazi slurs to the people trying to sleep. They gave us a green room that was two buildings away and eight floors up. Un-fucking-believable.

And then everything on stage was covered with tarps. But it just begs, what's going on behind me? He's already told me. I think we're South Bend and we're trying to... We're driving west after that, so I think we're going to be doing Casey and Denver.

All right, those are the dates. Again, get on the mailing list. I can't say it often enough. Before Chad closes us out with the Netflix recommendation, I've been back into, because I've been on the road too long, don't know Netflix, but I have caught up on, I'm dying up here on Showtime. It's getting better. At first, I'm like, ah, this is so cliched,

but then I realized people don't know stand-up comedy they have to force all the shit that we're aware of up front for people to know how the business not only works but worked back then 1975 backstory yeah so for the first couple episodes i'm like yawn boring, boring, nice outfit, 1975. I have the same outfit, Rick Overton. But now I'm, I think, five or six episodes in, and I think they're going to get to, it's all a mirror of comedy in that era,

and Mitzi Shore from the Comedy Store, and they're going to get into the strike, I'm sure of it. So, yeah, now I'm into it. I know I gave, Eric Griffin is on the show, and he's fucking fantastic. He's from – he was on Workaholics. Anyway, when I was shit-faced at the Comedy Store, I had seen the first episode, and I said, that sucks. All drunk.

And then I heard back. Also, our guy. Al Madrigal. I guess heard from Eric Griffin. I didn't like it. And he's like, don't know. Stay with it. It gets better.

It does. So if I talk shit at the comedy store, it was the least of the crimes I committed before making out with Andy Dick. So, yeah, it gets good. All right. What do you got for Netflix, Chad? Let's wrap this motherfucker up. All right. Joby turned me on to a show called SWAT Miami, which is just one of those ones.

It's like cops kind of that will make you angry at all the stuff, but it's real quick. There's like one season of it. And afterwards I found a show called under arrest, which I think it's from maybe the nineties. Is it a TV show? It's a TV show. And I think there's like three seasons of it, but it's a Canadian.

It's like Canadian cops. And at first I was... Hey, do you mind doing life or what's your schedule? If you're not busy. It's the best comedy show that I've seen in a long time. These guys are

way more aggressive than US cops. But not in a I'm gonna shoot you way. Just I'm like they're they're like doing uh three stooges like poking people in the eyes and fucking grabbing their chin and choking them they're all the things that would just be outrageous if these videos were in the united states that these cops were doing because i think a while back it was like a guy who got choked and they were like you can't choke people they choke every motherfucker on this show the the part that makes it funny is that they're so polite is because most of the time they don't charge anybody there's

like a guy walking down the street and they're like hey what's your name he's like i don't have to tell you and they're like no you really do and he's like no I don't have to tell you. And they're like, no, you really do. And he's like, no, fuck you. And then they get in this huge fight. And five guys take him down and beat him on the ground and pull his head back and choke him and fuck him all up. And they handcuff him. And then when it's all done, they're like, they just unhandcuff him. And they're like, we're going to give you a ride to your brother's house, eh? You didn't have to make all that happen.

And I'm like, no, you didn't have to make all that happen. This is hilarious. Can I get you some poutine, eh? Under arrest is fucking funny. Good. I got three weeks off. I have to take one of them to actually not think about anything and watch dumb shit on TV.

Don't tweet me about it because by the time you hear this, I'm already done. I'm backed up. And thank you, Chad Shank. Welcome back. Chaley, thanks for crying. There are no tears in podcasts. Tracy, thank you. And we'll revisit our lives again one day.

Let's close it out with... Hey, you forgot the merch. Buy merch. Buy merch? Well, you say buy merch. Hang on. Don't close out yet. You're closing it.

You didn't give me notes about buy merch. You're the merch guy. Jesus Christ. Do I say, hey hey you forgot my act when we're on the road nightly buy merch at doug stanhope.com uh get over there and we've got some of the red hot chaley peppers shirts left over and we got a lot of stuff coming up we even have our underling employee that now there's two layers of employees and denise is here she doesn't ever say a word but she's here and she's the one who sends you the merch when we're on the road yes so denise

give her a silent round of applause in french that's a good callback all right uh we're gonna play out on molotov jukebox because, did you see it on Twitter? Nat Tenya, the sexiest woman alive, and Bingo would agree, she got some kind of role in a Hollywood kind of series, so the band is dismantled until she's done. So now she's in L.A., and we can get her out here for the next party on her off time. So let's play out

Molotov Jukebox. I double dare you to get your ass out here, Nat Tenya. I'm not up to scratch You started before me So get them in Every drink you drink I'll match

To dance our way home Under a dirty early sky To what couples do Argue and screw All screw and argue But I think it'd be different with you He points over there He wants to let me double

Then we are going anywhere He points over there He wants to let me double Then we are going anywhere With you So one day we do in the end? We went to that ridiculous club with your friend Last time we went we said never ever again

To getting our wallets great And I suggested the strip club For the neon naked girls and the late boss You got body at security Don't worry baby let them keep their eight pounds Quickie let's go call Chaos elsewhere Let's go call it chaos elsewhere Let's go

He points over there He wants to get me, double get me, I'll go anywhere He points over there He wants to get me, double get me, I'll go anywhere With you guitar solo I'm going to do another one tonight. Have a slow one. Good for me. See no one.

All I want is you and a cold beer. Come over here. Let me whisper Spanish in your ear. Come over here. Let me whisper Spanish in your ear. A vodka in your tummy. ¿Cómo va a ir? Dame un beso para el señor Amor, cariño, dame otro besito Amor, cariño, dame otro besito Despacito

Amor, cariño, dame otro besito Amor, cariño, dame otro besito, tu espantito Y voy a saber, y voy a saber, y voy a saber, y voy a saber, y voy a saber Double daily If one's over there If one's a daily Double daily I'll go anywhere I'll go anywhere All right. If you sat through and listened and enjoyed Molotov jukebox, here's the hidden track. We have to call.

By now it's 10.15 Florida time, and we're going to call Kimberly to see how things are going with Liz and Chad Shank. And someone else. Other Chad Shank. Liz and Chad. I think Lewis was a typo from the text-to-speech is what I eventually figured out. But I read it that way so everybody would know that I did think it was a...

I'm not really an asshole if somebody's having a fucking rough time. I think we've all figured out what's going on because we've heard the... Later we heard the audio recording that you didn't know was there. I'm dialing. It's dialing. It's Derek. Go out and tell Derek we're on the phone. Kenny and Derek are here now.

The party's starting. Good job. I'm leaving a message. Please leave your message for... Bop, bop. Kimberly, don't leave an entire nation. No, the whole world needs to know what's going on with Liz. That's it? That's all you left?

That's it. No context. No context. No context. What the fuck? She could easily backtrack and figure it out, but she's too dumb. Can you look at her friends? I can, yes.

Can you find the other taxing? We're going to kill it. We're going to kill it. That was the end. Oh, that was over. And good night.