The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #218: You Can't Take A Xanax Back

Episode Date: July 28, 2017

Doug and Morgan Murphy go over some of the events that started the June 2017 road tour. This is part one of a 2 parter.Recorded June 30th, 2017 at the Hospitality Inn in Buffalo, NY with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Morgan Murphy (@Morgan_Murphy), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List.Closing song, "Bandit", by Birdcloud.LINKS:Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

I'm going to climb into my bed, and then climb over, I'm going to get next to my pillow, and my smaller pillow. Look at that, Jaylee. There's two pillows in this motor lodge, and one of them is like a half-size pillow. Like a pillow that is on the armrest of a couch in a room you don't use. Are we good? I like that ambient freeway noise. Ever since I heard Bert Kreischer and David Tell, and you could hear Bert's chickens clucking, I'm all, yes, we need chickens. In lieu of that, we have the highway noise.

How have we not listened to that podcast? Oh, I did When Tracy and I were driving to I guess you already listened to it That would be rude Oh, I suggest anyone who wants to get into comedy Not into comedy, but into people talking about comedy It's really good

Yeah Fucking Kreischer and Attell I'll listen to it again I know you will It's really good. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking Kreischer and Attell. I'll listen to it again. I know you will. It is. It's worth listening to. If one morning I wake up sober enough to drive where you can edit a podcast, then I'll get that queued up so we can listen to it while you're working on shit with your headphones.

That's a good idea. All right. Alright, Murphy. I just wrote this down because it immediately bothered me. It bothered me so badly the other morning. We were at that Holiday Inn Express. Yeah, I didn't wake up

like that. I didn't wake up like the commercials. I woke up going listen, have you ever stayed in one of your fucking rooms every time you open the fucking door the do not disturb sign flies off the fucking handle from the the gumption from the wind of opening the door from the inside door yeah something hanging on the door yeah everyips it off. Yeah. Every single time, invariably, get a different fucking do not disturb sign or get a magnet like some places have. I think the residence in Marriott residence in, I think they have magnets every fucking

time. Even Nyack had a metal one that not only fell off, but would clang every time. Very loud. It still went on. It was, it was for a do not disturb sign, especially it was quite disturbing. It was quite disturbing. It should have been a cowbell. There's a, there was a comedian whose name I will never know, probably before I even started when I was just watching comedy no I had

to have been doing comedy because I I got the joke like I got it and he said he would take the do not disturb sign down to the front desk and go um can I get another one of these this one doesn't work work. Just fucking maids ignore it. Well, we have a workaround for that. For the do not disturb signs that fall off. It's real simple. You just use a piece of tape. Chaley duct tapes all of our do not disturb. Not duct tape. Duct tape will leave a residue

and now you're leaving a place worse than when you got there. I'm going to go for gaffer's tape. Gaffer's tape. Gaffer's tape. It's a little pricey, but... It's bright green? Yes.

Well, it's bright green for reasons. I was thinking about, because Chaley comes by, and as the tour manager, he tapes your Do Not Disturb sign down without you asking. You just know, because it's bright green, and I was thinking just to fuck with them, to get a different fluorescent color of tape and tape our own down. Who else is he seeing? Is he courting other tour managers?

I like the green tape because I never know what room I'm in. That's also why it's green. I walk down the hall, and I look for the green tape, and I walk into that room, and occasionally it's your room, Chaley. I don't care. I say hi, and's also why it's green. And I walk down the hall and I look for the green tape and I walk into that room and occasionally it's your room, Shaylee. I don't care. No. I say hi and I go back to my room. Shaylee's done that without Do Not Disturb. Just put the tape on the doors

so we know what room we're going to. We did that at the HVAC in Harrisburg. They're not all easy to remember. They're not all obvious area codes. Well, as I tout myself i know all the area codes from 1987 from my telemarketing days so if i'm in 312 and you're in 305 i go you're in miami and i'm in chicago so that's how you're. I tell that. I say that to bingo.

We had. Well, of course, you know that it's it's 405. That's Oklahoma City. That's how you remember bingo. I wouldn't. Why would I know? I'm just fucking with you. We had.

We had. I haven't remembered any on this tour except wherever we were yesterday, which was 213. And he was 218, which is upper, I would say, Terre Haute, Indiana, or South Bend. 218. That's where you were last night. Yeah. Now we're in 115, which is the area code from a movie where they have to... It's area code 115-555.

Greenfield 646. It's the number that would be the phone number in the movie. Yeah. Where you just go, give me 115. Do they still do 555 in movies? Yes. Yeah. I think that started with,

Danny, I got your number. 867-5309. And didn't they get sued? I don't know. Because people who had that number were just getting repeatedly called by fucking Beavis and Butthead? Call it now. Well, what? Area code 555. 115. 115 no i don't know so i i i don't know if you want to talk about this but the road hacks we were talking about the one you came up with that i thought was

ingenious that you i don't know hashtag road hacks we're in uh buffalo new york right now. Me and Greg Chaley and Morgan Murphy. Week seemingly five, but we've only done five gigs. Yeah, it's only been one week or so. I had to start doing press in L.A. for a few days and fly to New York for a few more days to do more press, and that's a month. But we took off three days before you even went to L.A. And that's a month. But we took off three days before you even went to L.A. Chaley thought it would be a good idea to drive our own van from Arizona to Nyack, New York, to start the tour, which I loved the idea. And I said, well, I'll drive back with you if you're going to do it.

I bailed out of that. So he left about the same time I left. On Wednesday. Yeah, the Wednesday before a week. We both left a week before. I had to do press in LA and New York. And then we met up in Nyack on the first gig. So by then

I'm in my head the tour is over. I fucking press like that. It's a weird way to do it. Not even that much. It's those cities are so overwhelming to me. And there's any place. You had the AOL build thing.

You had some stuff where you had to... Do you have notes? Yeah. They're here somewhere. They're here somewhere they're here somewhere thanks for starting the podcast without the notes because i had when i met up with you after a week i had to go all right this is what i remember beat beat beat beat beat and then we we've only done five gigs. This tour, so slipshod, which is fine, because, again, I'm working on shit.

I'm working towns like Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, because it's a place I never played and don't have to play again. It's my 15 minute workout at the comedy cellar that lasts an hour and ten. I'm surprised you don't like bigger cities. As a person who likes

people and chaos, I'm surprised you don't like the feeling of walking around New York and experiencing it. I can't tell if you're not being sarcastic, but you should be. No, I'm being totally earnest. Did I like chaos? You like people who are, you know, you like, I think you are, I feel like you would like New York.

I feel like you would like what New York has to offer, specifically. I get why you don't like L.A. I don't get why you don't like New York. You don't have to drive. I dislike New York has to offer, specifically. I get why you don't like LA. I don't get why you don't like New York. I dislike New York for the same reason I dislike Pittsburgh physically.

It's claustrophobic to an extreme and I'm not going to repeat every reason I fucking hate New York, but I don't understand why anyone could possibly enjoy it. It's chaos. I like chaos when two dudes at a dive bar

are having a fucking conniption fit and fighting with colostomy bags over a toothless woman they both think is theirs. That's fun. It's a single focus chaos. I like Andy Andrist unless

it's on my credit card. Causing chaos. Just Andy. Single focus. Nework city is the what do you call it the the the channel the nfl channel that we watch where red zone red zone i was gonna say red tube again six screens yeah it's like spinning plates you're constantly yeah there's so much attention all over everyone's in the red zone when you're in New York. That's what you're saying.

And in your face. And in your personal space. And you can't sublet it. It's fucking just, get the fuck out of my way. You know, after, I'm getting close to that when we stopped at that rest area today on the Ohio Turnpike or the New York fucking. Service Center. So it was both sides. It's when you're on the toll road and you can only go one place, the service area.

It's got a McDonald's and a fucking Tim Hortons and a fucking Baba Ganoush and whatever. so many people in there where after there's a point I hit on the road after too long that's my just get the fuck away from me you Chaley just fucking get away I'm so tired of someone

always being there and that's when I first started hitting it today when we went into that service area. There was a fucking Indian family that was forming a fucking hands across America. Blockade. Yeah.

Just get in a single file! I lasted in that women's room for, I'm not going to like comedy it and go two seconds. It wasn't two seconds, but it was 20 to 25 seconds that I lasted. I have the best prostate in the business. I piss quick and I'm out, and she was already coming out when I was coming out. I didn't make it. I walked in.

I looked in a stall. There was no toilet paper. I walked out. Got back in the car. Held it. We stopped for you. Yeah, I held it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. There was no toilet paper. I walked out, got back in the car, held it. We stopped for you. Yeah, I held it. I couldn't do it.

I couldn't do it. That's great. I couldn't do it. And honestly, I'm going to say this. I went into a stall that an Amish woman left, and I went into it, and there was no toilet paper, which either means she finished a toilet paper or an Amish woman went pee-pee or poo-poo with no toilet paper. Oh, she whittled her own out of fucking some kind of birch log that she carried with her.

They bring their own corn cobs. Sitting there with a potato shaver fucking whittling off a fucking piece of soft birch. Swirling the water with her finger because she's not allowed to use the button. finger because she's not allowed to use the button.

Gross. Boy, you have to understand, this is like a truck stop. Imagine if they held a state fair at a truck stop. It was like that many people, everyone dazed and confused, and just, get the fuck out of my way. It's three o'clock on Friday, 4th of July weekend. Is this? Yeah. Yes. That's why I made that thing.

Yeah. Wait, 4th of July. It's a long weekend. It's a four day weekend. That's why you saw those fucking boats swerving all over. Oh my god. That's, and so that, because we, Tracy and I basically, basically were retracing some of the route that we did because we went up to Nyack.

We made good time, so we went up to Niagara. I should have looked at the itinerary. We would have been up here already. So we went up to Niagara Falls. So we've done this road. There was no one on this road. We traveled it last week. Well, yeah, it's Friday,, yeah, 4th of July weekend.

That makes sense. Which I don't mind New York when we're out here, out in the sticks. It's different. But we didn't, the closest we ever had to get to New York City, Manhattan or anything, was Nyack. And that was enough. I can't remember the last time I was in the Northeast during summer. Yeah, because we went fall last time. Yeah.

Not to be a braggart, but we are at a level for years now, many years, where we can choose our gigs around the weather. I can't remember the last time I saw winter. I can't remember the last time I had to be on the road and worry about black ice and freezing. It was the time you guys in that rental car. Florida in the winter? That rental car.

Oh, it's that fucking Cincinnati. That was the last time. Well, Cincinnati's different. That wasn't a road trip. That was a gig. Yeah, it was a gig, but it was a full week. Don was the last time. Well, Cincinnati's different. That wasn't a road trip. That was a gig. Yeah, it was a gig, but it was a full week. Don't do those anymore. So you left for Nyack.

Me? No, Chaley. Tracy and I. 2,400 miles. Actually, 27. And I wasn't supposed to leave until the Saturday, but I ended up having to leave later the same day as you. That's right.

Last minute press in L.A., and all I remember of that, Murphy was there, and of course, has pictures, as Murphy always does. Your most embarrassing moments, if Murphy always does. Your most embarrassing moments if Murphy's around. She is the TMZ of this tour. I didn't post it, though.

So how am I the TMZ of the tour? I like to document history. I like to document life. I like to... Get good shots. I'm going to be very honest with you. Thanks, Ken Burns. I started comedy when I was 19. I probably have to be very honest with you. Thanks, Ken Burns. I started comedy when I was 19. I probably have at very least 10,000 photographs from 18, 19 to 30 that are printed out, that are in bins in my garage. From laundromats to huge theaters. Yeah, you're bitching about a small breakout on your face that no one else has noticed until you keep bringing it up.

But I don't see you videotaping your embarrassing moments. I'll videotape right now. I know you would. I was complaining about plane travel and what it does to your situation. It's fine. I'm not mad. Bye, Chaley. I'm not mad about Bye, Chaley.

I'm not mad about it. I just... It happened. I'm commenting on it. I'm in a place right now where I don't... I like being with you guys, so I don't care. I go on Twitter. I see a picture of myself pissing in a fucking... Some green room or...

I had to... If I ever thought you would want me to put it up, I wouldn't put it up. I don't put things up if I don't ask. Unless you don't understand. I wake up hating everybody. So if that's the first thing I see, I hate you. Yeah. And then by afternoon, I go.

I like, by the way, you said you woke up differently than people wake up in those commercials. You know, but like, what like, you know the hotel commercials? Holiday Inn Express. Hey, I stayed in a Holiday Inn Express last night. I feel like the part of the story that's missing from that is that you go to bed very differently than people go to bed in those commercials. You're not like in your matching PJs with the blanket symmetrically pulled up to your chest.

I woke up sideways this morning. Your head over the fucking... Yeah, I just woke up. I was sleeping in the bed the wrong way. I can't remember what time your head and hand were leaning on a nightstand next to the bed. He had the spins. Yeah, you were like, this pillow's a little too soft. This bed's a little too soft.

Oh, the nightstand's perfect. That's what I'll lean against. And then I woke up and complained about the pillows. They were tough like fucking plasterboard. All right, you can tell that story now. like fucking plasterboard. All right, you can tell that story now. This is back when we played Boston a long time ago.

That was with Junior. Yeah, with Junior. The makeup gig. And Murphy was on the East Coast, so she was just going to come in for the show to hang out, but I'm like, no, you're on the fucking show. Why was I on the East Coast? Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember now.

You were in New York or something. I was doing like a comedy knockout on True TV or something like that. Is that the network it's on? I don't know. I was doing a TV show. I did stuff. Then I came in. I've flown into the Hilton.

When I go to Boston, which I hate almost more than anything, just aesthetically, it's just, it's fucking chaos. It's like London. None of the streets make sense. Nothing makes sense.

You don't know where you are. Everything's a roundabout in a spaghetti circle. So I stay at the airport it's expensive everything's fucking expensive in Boston it's like New York it's like

what's the value here I'm gonna spend $300 on a hotel to be where it just it stinks to be next to the theater Doug so I stay next to the airport where I can leave quickly.

And I say the Hilton, Logan Hilton, is attached to the airport. Barely. I could have found an airport 15 miles away more easily than I found the Hilton

at the airport by walking from the airport to the Hilton having to follow the signs. There is one sign. The sign is not directed to the Hilton but the airport by walking from the airport to the Hilton, having to follow the signs. There is one sign. The sign is not directed to the Hilton, but directed to the 9-11 Memorial. And then when you get there, you're at the Hilton. Yeah.

Well, they came from here. The terrorists, they left Logan. You don't get credit for the fucking departure airport. credit for the fucking departure airport. There should be a plaque at the apartment complex I lived in in Englewood where I found out about 9-11.

In the grotto. So I'm staying there and coming from Tucson, a small market, if I have to go to the East Coast for a gig, I have to leave not just the day before, but the morning before, which means coming from Bisbee, I have to drive the night before to Tucson. If it's a 6 a.m. flight, I have to go to Tucson the night before rather than get up at 3 in the morning and drive to Tucson.

Which most people would do. I go to Tucson and stay at a hotel. You've just realized, after spending 12 years out there now or so, that there's a better way to do this, and that is get to your destination the day before, so if there's any fuck-ups, and get to the airport the day before, so if there's any fuck-ups, and get to the airport the night before. Stay in a room where you know the hotel, you know what it takes. You've got your routine down.

You fucking miss a gig. Always a day before. When you were fucking 28 and you were a middle act. Or 35 and a middle act. Go ahead. You're playing knuckleheads in the Mall of America and making 350 bucks for a week. If you miss the first day because of a flight fuck-up,

they'll cover for you. Now, I miss a fucking theater in Boston. It's a hit. That's a fucking theater in Boston. It's a hit. That's a fucking chunk of money. So you get there early. And there was a... So I get there. I land at whatever.

Fucking 10 o'clock at night. Bar is open. I hit the bar at the Hilton. Having old fashions. Because when I drink at a fucking fancy bar, I'm going to order drinks that I don't know how to make myself. Give me an old fashion. Muddle something.

Muddle it. I don't muddle at home. I have vodka and mixers in my purse. Thank you. I could drink in the room. So I'm drinking, and this girl, I go outside to smoke, and there's a girl outside smoking, a young lady, and she started talking to me.

Smokers talk. That's the great thing about smokers. Yep, you sit outside and you converse because you're in the fucking colored only section of life. Misery loves company. Yep, and I had just ordered some food, which as you both have finished my plates, I don't really eat. I eat two bites and then I hope Chaley or Murphy or Hennigan. You eat less than anybody I know.

You would have been like, you'd be the only person at like Auschwitz going, I've had too much. I have to. Oh, and rice? Nah. No sides for me. So I just ordered something.

I go, hey, I ordered a French dip or whatever. You want half of it? Because I won't finish it. She said, yeah. Wait, to the smoker out front? Smoker out front. Smoker front. Yeah, she's been in the lounge.

And so we talk and she was, I made some junkie reference. And she goes, yeah, well, that's why I'm here. Her story was, from what I remember, I want to say Mallorca. She was somewhere in the Mediterranean. She was going on a Greek cruise. Yeah, that's the Mediterranean, right? Yeah, but I mean, I was trying to remember the exact situation. But it was a cruise. That's right., right? Yeah, but I mean, I was trying to remember the exact situation. But it was a cruise.

That's right. It was a cruise. When I made a junkie reference, she goes, well, that's why I'm here. I was supposed to be going on this basically a rehab intervention cruise her father had paid for, but she missed her flight. I don't think anybody else on that cruise knew that that was why she'd be there. Yeah. Like, I don't think that was, like, it wasn't a rehab cruise. Like an entire 4,000 people.

It was a fun cruise that her father thought would be a good rehab for her. For your final interview, we want you to go down a shuffleboard on the Lido deck. down a shuffleboard on the Lido deck and then 4,000 people go and here's how your addiction has affected me I have to listen to 4,000 of these yeah but if you accept this gift just all right just as long as no anyway she had missed her connection. That's when I got fucked with the whole Atlanta storm. She had missed her connection to get to the cruise. Cruise ships don't wait for you. You get fucked on a flight. I know that from I Love Lucy, by the way.

I know that very well. Gotta take a helicopter out. And it's very comedic. Go ahead, Doug. Anyway, this girl was from Nova Scotia and missed her flight connection, is not going to make the cruise, so there's no reason to fly on the next flight to fucking Greece.

By the way, I don't appreciate that everyone looked at me like they don't understand Lucy couldn't get the cruise ship and then had to get lifted out to it. I don't understand that. I'm barely hanging on to my train of thought. Okay, well, sometimes what I say is fun, too. This is fucking Morgan Murphy in the green room when you're staring at your set list. And she goes, oh, that reminds me of me.

Let me talk about me for a minute more. So the girl, you're the one who wanted to tell his story. The girl's from Nova Scotia blah blah blah and then she tells me her dad's because she's a junkie and she's trying to quit and he was going to bring her on this cruise as this pseudo intervention

and she just opened up and it was not like whiny or anything just yep that's how the shit goes and now I'm not going to make it. And she said, so once I missed my flight, I got on a bus and asked where the worst part of town was so she could go hook up, fucking shoot up. I think the kids call it score. Fucking shoot up. I think the kids call it score.

However she said it, at some point I said, all right, well, I gotta go crash. And I said, like, what room are you in? Or where are you staying? I assumed she was staying in the hotel. And she goes, oh, no no I'm sleeping in the airport I just had nothing to do for the next 16 hours till I get my flight back to Nova Scotia and I had two beds

in my room and I said you can crash in my room then it was obvious that I was no threat after a fucking long plane ride was it obvious she was no threat?

no but I remember I gave her $100 I did hide my valuables anyway on my person but then I go here's $100 so you don't rip me off in the middle of the night and

but Murphy was coming in I was coming in which by the way I would judge you but I did I let a stranger in my room in Amsterdam once so I get I get when someone has a need late at night but I flew in Doug out of the room

before you talk I want chaley to be thinking about all the times we've had strangers in our room yeah so i fly in middle of the night i don't know when i landed and uh doug you gave me the instructions to the uh well you said the air hotels at the airport follow the 9-11 signs. Got to the hotel. Got to your room. I was expecting a beautiful, perfectly made, tucked in, military style, just pristine bed. But there wasn't one.

There was a lady lying in it. And someone's been sleeping in my bed. This junk's too cold. I don't even remember if we slept. I just remember going, Hi. And then... Did anyone sleep?

Was that a sleeping night? I think, no. You were in at like 4.30, 5 o'clock in the morning. Very much red-eyed. Where I assumed she'd be ready to go back to the airport, which she was. I remember you waking me up. I know she got up. Yeah, I woke you up.

Yeah, she probably got up. She got up. Get away from my stuff. Yeah, she got up. Well, I left the door barred. Of course. Open, so you could get in without a key. Got in.

Paid her a hundred bucks. Yeah. General trust is with the passers-by that won't walk into my open room and steal my shit. And her, I paid her a hundred dollars to not steal my shit. shit and her I paid her a hundred dollars to not steal my shit yeah she was uh royally uh fucked up and uh woke up looked for her stuff I remember her looking for her stuff in the morning and uh picking up her pants didn't she wake up on the floor no no she was definitely in the bed woke up looked for her stuff what I remember most of the she looked for her stuff. What I remember most of the day, she looked for her and she wondered why her...

The biggest mystery of the night morning was why her pants were wet. Everything was soaking wet. Like not drugs sweat wet, but like... But it wasn't the bed. That's the thing. It was not the bed.

Corner of the bed on the floor that's why i think i think at one point you came in and i think we woke back up and she was on the floor for some reason but then all of her shit was wet she pissed the floor anyway i wake up in a delirium, and she's going back to the airport, and her clothes are wet. So I, Morgan Murphy, who had brought with me my favoritest pajamas, my pajamas with little dogs on them. Jewish-related. Jewish pajamas. They were dogs, but they were all different kinds of Jewish dogs. Hebrew puns.

Yeah, like Goldman Retriever, etc. And I had my Jewish pajamas on, or in my luggage. And then this young lady, who reminded me of a me if I had never made a correct decision. And been a junkie. And been a junkie. And been a junkie. Had no dry clothing. To wear back to Nova Scotia. So I gave her my Jewish pajama pants.

Which she put on and pulled up around her neck and they still drug at their heels. I'll be very honest with you. The worst part of this whole story is not that I lost my pants. It's not that a woman is lost to a drug. It's that if you're an oversized head and you're six feet tall, the last thing you want to do is see a petite young lady get into your clothes. It is so mortifying. And she put on my goddamn pants

and she somehow made them work and she left with them and I've never seen them again. Never in my life have I seen a woman's shoe and tried to slip my foot into it and it fit comfortably. That's my shoes.

Morgan Murphy has a man's ten and a half. It's fucking crazy. So you're proportionate, let's say. Yeah, but I lost my favorite pajamas. Five foot two fucking junkie from Nova Scotia putting on her fucking sweatpants. Right now you're wearing LeBron James sweatpants that he can't wear anymore because

he slimmed down and shortened. I don't know if that works. It works. Point being. I have a... It wasn't the most flattering. It's weird to do a good deed and also feel fat during it.

You should be feeling good about it. Yeah, I was like, look at me, I'm doing so fat. I'm making such a fat difference in the world. And it was a brief goodbye. That's one of the people that you meet that you really want to hear back from. I liked her. I liked her for the same reason. I think we were talking about this earlier.

I like people who own their shit. I like people who go, I'm a junkie. I'm going to go do drugs. This is what I do. This is who I am. I have friends who are like so off the rails who come over hammered and fucking ready

to pass out and never even tell me that they're hammered. They're like, no, I'm fine. I've been doing nothing. Like, fucking be honest about who you are. I liked her. That's why I gave her my goddamn pants. I would follow this train of thought except I get to a place where I go, oh, that's a funny bit. I wrote it down.

I'm not burning it on a podcast. Don't burn it. Not for Dollar Shave Club. Not for anybody. Hold on. Did she go and score junk and then come back? No, no. She said when I met her, she said she had.

She had been sitting around the airport all day. So she was just wandering through. She found the Hilton by default because she was just wandering so many places, killing time in an airport. But, yeah, she left and said goodbye and, hey, hope you do well. And also we had matching backpacks. That's right. Remember that? That's right.

We had almost identical Herschel backpacks. Herschel? Yeah, Herschel. But to the point where I was like, we're not that different. She and I, we went into a store. We picked out a backpack. We picked almost the same one. You paid for yours.

I paid for mine. She stole hers. Yeah, she stole hers. Hey, Nova Scotia. picked out a backpack we picked almost the same one you paid for you yours i paid for mine stole hers yeah she stole hers hey nova scotia hers wouldn't make it past a tsa swab whose would if it's used uh and nova scotia if you can find that junkie that stayed in my room uh and she's gonna to give me my $100 back, then we'll work a deal because I get a lot of, you know, not a lot, but a

fair amount of, hey, you play Canada, but you never play Nova Scotia. Well, if you find that junkie girl that crashed in my bed at the fucking Logan Hilton. So that was a loan, that $100? No, I gave her $100 to not steal from me. And by the way, when you told me there's a junkie or something,

you said, oh, no, I gather you said, oh, she's a junkie, blah, blah, blah. I went in and put all my nice stuff at the bottom of my backpack. Like, you know what to do. Well, I sleep in my clothes anyway. It's not odd for me to sleep in my entire suit. Tie,

tie clip, shoes. Yeah, sometimes that's how you'd fall asleep. You went six days that last tour wearing the same pair of socks. This, when I was a kid, I would always sleep fully dressed.

I didn't care. If they tested the DNA of your suits and the sweat in your suits, they would find you and a guy who died 25 years ago. But only that. Only that. But Bingo pointed this out the other day because I've always been bald on my lower calf. Mid-calf down. You know, 1970s gym sock range because I would sleep in my sock.

I'd always... And then Bingo noticed the other day that... That happens? If you sleep in your sock, it gets bald? For your entire fucking life. I should have always slept with a sock around my vagina. That's what I told Bingo because... Sorry, I didn't let you finish.

No, it's fine. I was just thinking about it. That would have been so much easier than what I've been doing. I should have just put a sock over my pubic area and hoped it never grew back. I do prefer a shaved or trimmed lady if I'm in those parts, but if you shave a vagina does it look any better I remember Joey Scazzola was an open mic king this year's by the way in uh yeah go ahead oh shit I forgot your in Phoenix and he had a joke about how ugly a vagina is and he he said to the effect of like if you were a little kid

and you just saw a disembodied vagina on the sidewalk you would pick it up and chase your friends with it with a stick and you'd go don't touch me don't touch me

like a squashed bug yeah turns out yeah Joey was a queer didn't know that until later on he was one of those opposed to a penis which you would try to uh i don't know copy and use as bedside sconces i would i would be with you on balls because if you've ever shaved a penis is uglier than a vagina and balls are uglier than a penis. What? Hold on. Absolutely. A vagina is a fucking

bacteria trap. I've said, you can cut this, I've said a tells shave vagina joke on the air, right? Like I've said this

on your podcast. Have I not? I don't think he's still using it. No, he doesn't. Dave Attell's shave vagina joke. Don't burn his material.

He has a gig in fucking Cuyahoga. It might be a decade old, and I might have said it on your podcast already. It's one of my favorite jokes of all time, where he says that he was with a girl who had a Brazilian wax or whatever. But he always gets there like a week after whoever she does it before is gone. And it looks like her vagina's been up all night trying to solve a murder. It's one of the best jokes ever. And it looked like her vagina

was up all night trying to solve a murder. Anyway. By the way, I almost called a picture I took in Pittsburgh. I almost titled it, I shaved. Well, I did shave. I shaved. I wanted to say I shaved my vagina for nothing, and that's what I wanted to title Pittsburgh.

Because I thought I'd maybe made a Tinder match. And then I woke up the next day and went, well, that was an ill-timed, you know, landscaping job that I did there. Hey, it's always better to be prepared for no battle than show up in a fucking war without a gun. Just for the job you want. Yeah. in a fucking war without a gun. Dress for the job you want. Yeah.

Chaley, have you thought about people that have slept in our room? I remember Chad Ryden when he was too drunk and that was in Louisville, Kentucky. We were somewhere and the host, the host of the show or the guy who helped put it on, so he did a few minutes up front, his girlfriend left or something. I think it was a place where they had the Jägermeister party during your show at the farm.

Oh, yeah, that's Charleston, South Carolina. And then we took him back to the motel that we're at, and then you let him sleep in our room. But we only had one room. And you're like, ah, you can bunk with me. You shared a bed with him, and I shared a bed with whoever. Yeah, I did that with Chad Ryden. But there was a band somewhere.

I gave them my first... Oh, no, they gave me my first TV Be Gone. Oh, where was this? We put up a whole band once. We've let a lot of people fucking crash in our room. I let people crash in my room because people have let me crash. I will say this. I went to Montreal 11 years ago.

New faces. Knew nothing. Knew no one. Was exactly where I am now. And I went there and the hotel said that I didn't have a room until tomorrow. And this was a time in my life where I didn't have money for a room for tonight. And Steve Byrne, God bless him. God bless him. God bless him.

And I never fucking see him, and I'm not saying this because he's like a friend that I hang out with, but I will never forget that Steve Byrne, comedian at Montreal, said, I have two beds, you can sleep in my room. And at the time, my luggage was lost. Another luggage loss situation. And the only picture I have of that day in Montreal is me in Steve Burns t-shirt with a sheet wrapped

around my lower body in Steve Burns room that he let me have that will, I'll never forget, like it's those stories about comedians where you go, I didn't fuck, I wasn't buddies with this guy, we just kind of knew each other and he was so nice and he was like stay here.

And since then, I have let a multitude of personalities stay in my hotel rooms. I feel like you have to. It's karma. It's also one of the benefits, benefit is the wrong word, of being a drunk. Perks? Well, no, you just go, of being a drunk. Perks?

Well, no, you just go, yeah, fuck it, just fucking crash here. As long as you're gone in the morning, don't drive, don't fuck up. I don't know how many opening acts we don't even remember.

We just said, just fucking crash here, don't drive, don't be a fuck up. You can't start a career with a fucking DUI. That's just one thing. But that band who, again, they gave me a TV Be Gone, which I didn't figure out until we had to look it up online how it works. But that was their gift.

Hey, this is... Never... Again, all these people that you want to hear from, hey, I don't know if you remember us. No, I don't, but I want to. By the way, a TVB-Gone is like a comedian's version of like a casserole. Like, you know what?

Thank you so much. Let me give you this so that your life is better and easier. I don't get that. It like comedians wouldn't be like hey have this casserole they'd be like have this thing this thing that turns every tv off in the bar when you're there like with the push of a simple button. It was. There's so many of those people that, yeah, just remind me of this story. I got a drunk dial from Bert Kreischer, Sal Volcano, and I believe Owen Benjamin the other night. Imploring me to go on the next Impractical Jokers cruise. That was the one you went on a year ago. on the next Impractical Jokers cruise. Like, I can't.

That was the one you went on a year ago. Yeah, that turned poorly. It doesn't mean it's not a good idea to go on a cruise. But on the message, they were telling me stuff that I don't, I knew I was drunk in the hot tub in the rain and started a party. And I was the fucking lamp hot tub in the rain and started a party and I was the fucking

lampshade on the head guy. But they were in the voice message saying, yeah, he even got this old woman, like 80 years old with a walker to get in evidently. And this, I didn't remember until they said, I've refused any people that were attractive from the pool. Only fat and ugly old people. Circus freaks only. Yeah, I was evidently throwing people out or denying them. You can only get in if you've been rejected from another club.

Yeah, that's what I was doing. I didn't remember the details and I went, I should go back. But I wouldn't remember again if I was fun. But there's those stories where you go,

I was hammered. You need all the other people to remind you of the details. Somewhere there's a band out there that's broken up and one went solo and the rest have jobs and

yeah. I want to get those emails. Don't you fucking remember? No, I don't. I'm counting on you. Back to LA. No, we got to start in LA because I went out there to do some Back to LA. Oh.

No, we got to start in LA. Because I went out there to do some press. I don't even know what we did or didn't do or what fell through. It was CISO stuff, wasn't it? It was CISO. Yeah, it's all CISO related. But I remember one, I think maybe the first night where I go, I'm just going to take a Xanax and fucking chill out. Oh, I remember because I said I was going to the comedy store and you said, I'm taking a Xanax and going to bed.

Yeah. And I said, all right. Then I realize I'm out of cigarettes. So I go, Hennigan was with me. Let's just walk down to that fucking Cabo Cantina place they always sell cigarettes and we're gonna have to walk

back up that fucking nightmare hill but and we get down there and they don't sell cigarettes there anymore and I'm like well we're already down here it's a Mexican restaurant but they always did yeah and there's also by the way i'm going to say a lot of places in that area that used to sell cigarettes

that don't there was a great newsstand right across the street still doesn't not there anymore point being stopped there's that little tiny uh i want a cigarette shop halfway between there and the comedy store set in the back that sells cigarettes. And then when we get there, we go, might as well go to the comedy store. It was a Thursday. Yeah, I was surprised to see you. Well, Hennigan says, yeah, we might as well go to the comedy store

because Mitchell is working and Thursday is like their slowest night. You can't take a Xanax back. their slowest night. You can't take a Xanax back. When you ask me what the title of this... Chaley always says, what do you want me to title this? You can't take a Xanax back.

Because we show up at the comedy store and it's fucking chaos. And I'm already And I'm already... Go to Mitchell's bar. Someone says Chris Rock is in the OR. Chris Rock's doing a set. I had emailed Chris Rock, which I shouldn't have done years ago when I did Louie's show

Louie forwarded me a couple of compliments Robin Williams won I did a bit about that the other was Chris Rock saying Stan Hope was great fucking Chris Rock spelling oh my god

if TMZ could look at that fucking email Stan Hope was great. Fucking Chris Rock spelling. Oh, my God. If TMZ could look at that fucking email, he can't spell a fucking thing. Anyway. Sounds like you got the message. I read a Rolling Stone interview just before I left with Chris Rock, and it was very inspiring on a lot of levels. And I was day drunk in the funhouse, and I went, fuck it, I'm going to email him. And I just emailed him succinctly because I had his email address that Louis didn't fucking blot out.

Oh, he didn't blind CC it. You took it from a group? From fucking Louis. That's not good. Yeah, I know. My mom did that once with Jimmy Kimmel's email address. So I know

How do you guys not know how to fucking I would know. I didn't know she knew. And Louie would trust me enough not to do this. And I forewent that trust however that word is. You could have made a phone call and got the email.

Anyway, I just all I emailed was I don't know why I always get compared to Bill Hicks when I should get compared to you. It's a better comparison, if anything. I think I'm more like Chris Rock, but because of that, it's a racial thing. Right. That feels like a rom-com line, the end of a rom-com. You know?

That feels very like, I don't know why. As good as it gets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jack Nicholson. And then I woke up the next day thinking, ah, fuck, I'm such a dick. I emailed Chris Rock. But then he emailed back just as succinctly, I understand. back just as succinctly i understand he said a fucking really nice thing that i want to use as a blurb in my book which is also a dick move where it's yeah you know i i took something you said in

confidence and put it on my book uh but it was a fucking great sentence and then he said i know what it it's like everyone compares me toor when I'm trying to be like Carlin. So I had just gotten that back and now I'm in L.A. and they say Chris Rock's in the O.R. So I sprint out there. I couldn't remember a fucking word he said but I know in the moment,

the same reason you don't go to bed watching stand-up comedy when you're drunk because you're gonna absorb something that you go but he did something that i kind of do or did which doesn't matter but it was fucking brilliant and he's doing notes he's doing in his next days yeah so you're in a twilight time of type of thing either way i only caught the last five minutes, but he's doing just what I'm doing now. Like, well, all right, hang on.

I got to check my notes to see if I missed some shit. And it was fucking great and, again, inspiring. But now I'm fucking melting. My tongue is hanging out of the side of my mouth like one of those pug dogs that can't keep their tongue in their mouth and i said hi and he said hey man and i go uh fucking come into the mitchell's bar the vip bar in the back and immediately i realized i can't say a fucking word socially to a sober person there's a bunch of fuck-ups at the bar, my friends.

I was there. You were there? Yeah. And then Spade shows up, and I'm like, oh, fuck, I had just met Spade for the first time the last time I'd been in L.A. And then we heard him on Stern, too. So then I'm sitting there trying to make conversation.

I'm like, oh, I'm way too fucked up. So Andy Dick walks over over and i go hey you you sit down i saw that moment by the way i saw that precise moment where you in a in a almost poetic uh you know sort of uh dismount yeah poetic dismount like a choreographed dance, replace yourself with Andy Dick in the booth next to Chris Rock. I put Andy Dick and, I mean, David Spade and Chris Rock and his gal pal in a corner booth.

Hey, have a seat. What are you drinking? They probably weren't drinking at all. They probably weren't drinking at all. And I went, awkward moment. Apologized for emailing him without his consent. I don't know, man.

It's fine. Then we had the same conversation that we had via email. Repeated it. No, that's what I said, because Richard Pryor and I were like, Hey, Andy Dick, have have a seat and then I went to the bar and hung out with my drunk friends

Jezelnik was there Dom Herrera was there I like that back bar I like everything about the comedy store right now in a way that is almost shocking. Because I've grown up witnessing the Comedy Store and being a part of the open mic and then leaving and then coming back. The decline and then telling people who I started with and they're like, oh, that's all those guys from the Comedy Store.

I was like, I know. And now it's phenomenal again. It's unbelievable. It's great. To the point where I'm intimidated to be there. Oh, and now it's phenomenal again. It's unbelievable. It's great. To the point where I'm intimidated to be there. Not so intimidated that the last flashbacks of that Xanax fucking night of Brian Hennigan going, Oh, it's the slowest night.

We'll just hang out with Gary Mitchell. Yeah, it turns into me making out with Andy Dick. It's a reunion for Saturday Night Live. I don't know what started it. Probably me saying, hey, Andy Dick, do you want to make out? No, I think you kept saying, like, I think people were talking about homosexuality. And the way that somebody would overcompensate by going i'm straight i'm straight you were going i'm gay you were declaring your homosexuality at the bar as i always do yeah you wanted to make sure the people knew you were also gay all right that sounds like me. I remember it started with Andy Dick not knowing who I was again.

And I kind of take it personally. I don't think I'm on any level famous, but I would assume comedians know me. I take liberties when I say Andy Dixon, comedian. But he's kind of a comedian. Yeah. Yeah. I would be mad if he didn't know me, but he does. I've met him a few times, but you'd assume he'd know who I was.

And then I remember giving him shit for not knowing because someone introduced me and he's like, who? And I introduced you. I brought him in because I had been in and then somebody said, Andy's calling for you on stage. Oh, that's right. I said no. And then they said, no, he keeps calling for you so i went back and went on stage with him and then i left and uh said i'm going to the back bar and brought him in and that was the uh intro introduction all right well then it makes sense because you introduced me and i gave him shit i told him the

few times i remember meeting him and then he pretended to remember, which I know that look. I do that look all the time. At some point I was making out with him and you all have pictures. Thank you for that. I have a picture. It wasn't a private moment. I don't just have a make out picture.

I have a picture of a very specific make out moment, which is the bottom lip bite that was my move that was my move that's your move I don't think like

I remember apologizing for my breath I don't think like you're like someone on his radar he might just meet you and I mean I don't think like you're you're like someone on his radar it's like he he might just meet you and

I mean I understand it's not like you've never been backstage at one of your shows or anything no no he wouldn't be or you've gone to one of his

performances he wouldn't remember me now after making out with me on camera now you have the picture and that's what I was saying it wasn't a private moment where

he and I were in a phone booth making out and paparazzi caught me on camera. And that's what I was saying. It wasn't a private moment where he and I were in a phone booth making out and paparazzi caught us on camera. Let's get out of here. Let's get out of here. So that's what I remember from L.A. other than doing an interview that I shouldn't be involved with that I

I if that's Brian Hennigan that's God saying you're not supposed to talk about this I told her no that's bingy anyway I was doing a photo shoot for an interview for a magazine

that I should have nothing to do with anyway. Let's say it's a car and driver. You at least own a car. I'm a bus person. You own a car and you have a driver. I was doing a photo shoot, which I hate more than anything. Photographers just...

A cell phone camera would get the same shot. Sorry to say it, but it does. I've seen Hennigan's fucking pictures. You don't... It doesn't need to be an hour. So at one point, we're on the roof of the fucking magazine

and I have to piss now because I've been drinking and there's a potted plant of a dead cactus on the roof. No, it's daytime. So you're drunk and it's daytime. Yeah, I'm day drunk

and I have to piss and the pisser's fucking several floors down in this makeshift fucking... So there's a dead cactus in a fucking potted plant and I go, oh, I'm going to piss in this. The guy, not the photographer, but the dude that's this day job fucking worker. The guy that has to hold this silver thing to shine the sunlight just perfect. So you get this perfect. Yeah.

Production assistant. The guy that holds the thing to glare. The reflector. Yeah. He's not even a part of the company. He's a sidekick to the fucking hump that got lucky for getting a job where they think, oh, we need better than a fucking iPhone

for this picture. We need an iPhone with a guy that holds a reflector. And I just piss in the plant and evidently the kid, I can't believe I had to witness. It's like one of those things where you go am I going to get a lawsuit

am I going to get some frivolous bullshit lawsuit where he claims like sexual harassment mental anguish he had to look at the back of my fucking shorts and imagine my penis pissing into a dead cactus on a roof

a moribund fucking roof that no one goes to because no one smokes in L.A. That's the only reason you'd go up there. By the way, you were hydrating a succulent. Anyway, I saved that plant. I heard that fucking Sam fucking Sasquatch or whatever his last unpronounceable name is. He said, yeah, I delivered them a new plant. He took it out in a garbage bag. I thought he was kidding.

It wasn't until we left that I found out that kid was throwing a fucking conniption because I pissed in a fucking plant. Jesus. Maybe that's how he got the job. He actually waters the plants. Rock and roll is dead. You know, we are only at L.A., and that was almost two weeks ago, and we're over an hour right now.

All right, well, let's make this a part two because then we get to New York, and I have to piss really bad, and there's no potted plants, so I'm going to New York, and I have to piss really bad, and there's no potted plant, so I'm going to use a toilet. All right. Well, Morgan Murphy will weigh heavily in this part two. And...

Was that a fat joke, by the way? Shaving your vagina. Why didn't we segue that into Dollar Shave Club? Dollar Shave Club. I'm still focused on you saying Morgan Murphy will weigh heavily and not leading to a fat joke. All right. Well, I did reflect upon Dollar Shave Club. That is a sponsor.

It doesn't have to be a full commercial. We'll do the full commercials. But we can also mention our sponsors. All right, that's a podcast. Click. It's part one of the tour podcast. Yeah. I said click.

Did you hang up? No, I just said click. Bye. No, I just said click. Bye. I woke up in a pool of my dog's own vomit. I guess he must have overdosed last night. I was fixing my transmission on my 97 Chevy.

Scratching all my titties and drinking Miller Lite. Well, bandit, I guess you done picked your poison. That antifreeze I spilled on the drop. And maybe if I'd bought you that expensive dog food, may have just decreased your appetite. If I had not got drunk and knocked over the bottle of anti-freeze upon the drive, oh, then, bandit, you might still be alive. Well, I guess I got frustrated that damn truck's so hard to fix. And you was trying to get my attention, showing mommy your brand new tricks.

You was bucking like a bronco and eating lots of grass. You was whimpering like a whimper will and scooting around on your ass And now you're stiffer than the oak tree to which I had you tied to I made some

mistakes, it don't mean mommy didn't love you If I had not got drunk and knocked over the bottle of anti-freeze upon the drive. Oh, then, bandit, you might still be alive. Oh, bandit, you might still be alive This is the worst

damn day of my life