The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #22: Comedian Andy Andrist - Pt.2

Episode Date: March 7, 2014

Part 2 of Doug's post Super Bowl party interview with Andy Andrist. Doug, Andy and Junior discuss Hollywood party crashing, 'ON SET' of the Man Show, boxing Tonya Harding, comedy tapings and mic control.This podcast sponsored by Doug Stanhope's eBAY Virtual Yard Sale beginning March 25th. Details at dougstanhope.comRecorded Feb 04, 2014 in the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope, Andy Andrist, Junior Stopka and Greg Chaille. Engineered and Produced by Greg Chaille @gregchaille.  Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.Take a moment to signup for the mailinglist at dougstanhope.com . We have lots going on and you want to stay up to date, eBay Yard Sale, and 2014 Live Tour to name a couple.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. All right. We're in Bisbee, Arizona, in the fun house, in the football room, with me, Andy Andrist. Junior Stopka's sitting in with Greg Chaley producing. Oh, you know what? I want Andy Andrist to do a drop. We've never had a drop.

You're listening to Doug Stanhope's podcast instead of doing what you should be doing. I'm Andy Andrus and I'm... But... But once clean means I wait till you're done. Pause and I'm Andy flupin' Andrus. Okay, go ahead with what you're saying. I'm Andy Andrus. And I'm listening.

Now I'm turning Doug's mic on. I'm Andy Andrus and I'm listening to Doug Stanhope tell me how to say, I'm Andy Anderson. I'm listening to Doug Stanhope's podcast. This is how you should say it, Andy Anderson. I'm listening to, hey, I'm listening to Doug Stanhope. No, you say, but that's what we're doing. And you should be doing what what you should get a job and

how about this get a job and listen to doug stanhope podcast while you're at work you could leave the basement of your mom's house wouldn't kill you i'm sorry that's our sponsor mom's house this is part two with Andy Andrist. All right. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink And I turned into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink

After the liquor stores have closed I heard you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you in the end La la la You know what? This episode, I wanted to change up the usual Mishka Shabali, Am I the Only One Drinking Tonight, which we commonly open with, but I opened with that one because that is the best opening line of any song ever.

The potato peelings in the sink did not turn into vodka as I had hoped. That's what I heard that song, and I fell in love with that guy immediately. That's been playing the last three podcasts. Oh, good. Oh, I don't know. I don't fucking listen to my own podcast. Who does that?

You think Stern goes home and goes, well, I can catch the repeat if I leave quick. I'm always checking to make sure a podcast isn't going on around me oh shit we have a cat in here don't let us forget to bring the cat out of here hey let's try junior with his his id here's junior so you say and you're andy andrews. And you're listening to Doug Stanhope podcast, and you're having a good time doing it. Okay. All right, here we go.

All right. Hey, this is Junior Stopka, your local alt comedian. I put the alt in it. It's always my fault. Do you like mailing lists? Everyone does. Do you like mailing lists? Everyone does.

Go out to DougStanhope.com and say, email him or Twitter him. Don't be a Google player hater. Mailing list that shit. We'll do shows for you and your family or the other family that you have a problem with but you can't say anything because some of them touched you but you can't say that go on a doug stanhope.com mailing list email doug stanhope.com your life may depend on it

the potato peelings in the sink did not turn into a body. You live or fail. You hear me complain. I'll be the dead or in jail. That's Amish guy, and he's playing, and Adrian Greener's playing drums. That's like a YouTube clip that filmed at Adrian Greener's basement, which is a recording studio. He was in Entourage.

He was the main player. I don't know Adrian's name. And it's a really good song, and Mishka's got a chick backup. You should watch that. Yeah, it's really... Adrian Greener's from Entourage. He's one of the... The main guy.

Are you a hot shot? You can find her right now. Adrian Greener and Mishka. We don't need to play that. They'll find it. They don't need to hear a shitty version over a fucking iPhone. They're still trying to figure out why we brought

up Robert Evans. I don't know who that is. Robert Evans? Yeah, I just tried to nod and pretend like I knew who that was. Well, he slashed his buddy for one, and he had way too many cops, but I remember that.

Why are you not talking to the microphone because he doesn't think so we already said it's over yeah this podcast's over but i remember that that spiel of going while people are waiting everybody's like going because you know it's it's just my property and uh enjoy my cheese or whatever but but it was this long, and then people just were kind of frozen. Robert Evans, enjoy my cheese. A self-help book. A reflection. I thought it was some kind of alt singer that I didn't know about. Robert Evans.

Have you heard of the Godfather? Yes. He produced that, which usually means he just forked over money and then showed up like a big shot. He still makes money. He still makes money on that. I know, but I don't know what a producer does a producer in my world is a guy that forks over money believes in your project he's still while there was still like those old days where they would own a bunch of actors the studio he was the head of one of the studios so they had like a radio producer actually fucking works i think movie movie producers, and I have no idea.

This has no. That's what I'm doing. I have no knowledge. No actual facts involved. None whatsoever. I just think that they fork over money and then complain when it goes over budget. So Provenza is like, somehow I'm a movie producer, but he's been busy on it for a couple months and i said i send him a thing saying so i'm a movie producer so i'm just waiting for you to show up with a product and then i steal

credit for it and he goes yeah you might want to get coked up and punch your wife and i said done so i feel that's how business works in our world. Yeah, yeah. Can you farm? How much of the movie is completed? I have no idea. He's like the guy who made the Unbookables with a vision. Is it going to be like Bad Grandpa? Like Doug said, there's like three good scenes and the rest is just you crying. I have no idea what he's... Going across the country.

I have no idea. We've got to find this guy. Wait a minute. I got a beach ball hit my head. I have no idea. On the way. It could be that. At this point, I don't care.

We'll label this bonus track. I'm done. I could totally slide this in. This will fit with the Robert Evans. I wish I knew who that was again. Well, he didn't have blow. What was it, Gary Busey? When your inner circle is Craig Kilborn with about six whacked out broads

that you'd want to damage control out, and then OJ's attorney, and then Robert spieling the dug, and even Slash was outside. What was the Gary Busey one? You talked about that. I was like, that's probably the greatest story there. He just menaced me all the way to the back of the line, but I still about that. I was like, that's probably the greatest story there. He just menaced me all the way to the back of the line. But I still feel that. You were jumping the buffet line, right?

But the Juggies could have been holding my spot in line, too. In theory, I mean, they said, yeah, come. But, I mean, at that point in my life, joining the line seemed like an okay thing to do. Somebody was holding your ticket, or they had the booze, or you had the, you know, so you joined. Or they had the tits. But whatever it was, I didn't see what I was doing was wrong. But after Gary Busey got in my face, menaced me.

For cutting into a buffet line. Well, here's the story. In back of him. He cut into a buffet line because he knew people that were with us. The Juggies. We're also buffet line. Well, here's the story. In back of him. He cut into a buffet line because he knew people that were with us. We're also in line. But it's a party where pretty much everyone knows someone in line. It's the same as if you cut in the line at Safeway and Bisbee. Just because I know that person.

So let me get my card ahead. We all know everyone. Get the fuck in the line. And I will say something. It's the first time I ahead. We all know everyone. Get the fuck out of the line. And I will say some, I mean. It's the first time I agree with Gary Busey. No, yeah. What is wrong with you? And I will say most times I would not be the person cutting in line.

And I felt like it was okay. I took a moment's lapse there. But I was glad Gary Busey was deranged. Seven or eight people in front of me and and felt like that was a good use of his time because i learned my lesson what did he say to you he just it was like kind of his character in that lethal weapon movie where he was saying lots of stuff but none of it made sense but about crowding and getting back and all the way and then i was like all right i kept moving back 10 feet and going, how about right here?

No, no. You're going to be a scalloped potato. Well, then, yeah. You're cutting from me, boy. And then when I was all the way and back, and then he might even held it so someone else joined the line, and then I had to get in back of them. And then he goes, okay, that good?

He monitored to the point to where he saw he slipped back in line we went back like 75 people like the line so it wasn't just get behind him it was like i want you to be appropriate in your selection of joining this line which means where they're starting to fan tail in right it was a life lesson and then because he is, he seemed, I don't know, I mean, they say actors seem smaller. He seemed bigger and more menacing than what I thought he could have been, too. He's not standing on Apple boxes.

He's every bit of Gary Busey. And if he's acting crazy, he's a great actor because he seems just kind of crazy. Andy, what was on that buffet line that you were so intent on getting? Or was it just to be with the juggies? No, yeah. It was just I was standing over there and I was kind of just. Before you tell your story, the juggies are the hot women on the man show.

Well, some of them were tired old whores, too, that were from the previous administration. We didn't understand the politics of it, but if you fuck the producer, then you had some say in things, and we didn't understand that. That's why there were a couple of holdovers, but I never really treated them like people because they really were just pushy cunts like andy i was i was at one of the tapings yeah yeah and i still i don't even know what to say you did

on i was like radar o'reilly on mash no no I did things. No, no. You weren't there Monday through Wednesday. You're right. I wasn't there. I was more like after MASH. After everything went to shit. You weren't there Monday through Tuesday afternoon. Monday night through Tuesday 6 a.m. You're right. I wasn't there when all the

real serious work went down. But when I was there, you showed me where to get a real beer during production well if i took you to the closet then yeah no he went to this like there was a ton of fake beer because that's what i guess they did on on camera and then you said yeah come with me and we went to like the props. Yeah, the props closet. Some dude had a couple of six packs of beer. And as soon as you walked in, that guy handed you a beer. Yeah, it was behind the scenes.

But the props closet was where you'd want to be. That's where they held the real beer and the fake beer. Yeah, like Doug and Joe were doing a pretend party up front. And in the props closet, sometimes the midget would be in there, but there'd be a couple of jugs. It's just in back of where the audience was. I was looking for vodka on the mic. It was just in back of where the audience was,

and the hoopoe heads or whatever would have to sit. They'd have to sit. Was that your dancers like in a living room? That's a Hollywood term for people that are in the audience. Cop factories. One time I took an audience picture of the man show, and it looked like a Special Olympics cheer team. There was like four retards in a row, and they got big stretchy pants on,

but they wait for their drinks. Oh, you're fucked. Yeah, they get like two beers over the course and sometimes it's like four hours they have to sit there. They watch a 30 minute show thinking, oh, we get to go there and drink for free. But no, they sit there for four hours and they get two warm beers over

four hours. And they'll run four openings sometimes. Hold on a second. Let's back up a little bit. So you're in a studio audience. You had a studio audience there. We despised. Where did they get the people from they would show up they would like there was a series of people's place they showed up at warner brothers and show up andy they're bust in because they're held captive it's almost kidnapping yeah yeah but i joined i was out in line and there were just there were a mixture of tourists and some locals.

I have no idea. Because we'd have to sort through them for rubes for different skits. So you'd kind of get the information. Oh, yeah. Sometimes we'd, because we're going to do an audience participation. Like the price is right. But I don't think we did that. I know I did, obviously.

I would wander around out there and sometimes. On his own, rogue. Yeah. No one said, Andy, you're the guy to find them. What about the guy dribbling into his chest? So the best part about the props thing, Doug would be up front, and everybody needed to be accounted for or whatever. The writers, not really.

And then the music would start, which means the show started, and there'd be a couple of juggies that weren't in the shot, and sometimes the midget, and then I'd be in the back with the props, and then you'd hear the hoopoe heads stomping. The show was finally starting and all that, but then we'd do shots and beers, and that's what I really think of the man show. It was pretty fun that way, but the taping must have been hellacious.

Yeah, they put me on fake beer for a while because I had a couple episodes. They thought I was a little too shitty drunk, and then I'd just have them... I'd override them. Go, yeah, fuck that fake beer stuff. Get me real beer. No problem. Wait a minute. You were cut off from your own

show. Yeah. What did they serve you? Fake beer and a man show beer thing and then i'd like make it real beer who makes a decision that like i don't know probably somebody told steven props guy because it would steven steven would override it if we'd want him to uh you know was rogan a beer drinker by the way no he'd be drink beer but he's he drinks drinks beer like your your dad does uh i'd like to have a couple during the uh college uh playoffs it'd be great if you did ziggy zaki with dmt oh so thank you saying oh where am i so this was great there was a guy that

he was a he was a a weird weird dude uh rowdy at a bar thing. It was called Drunken Crossfire. And they brought him into the show. And he was out of control, fat. His name was Fish. And he came in, and he brought up that guy. He goes, hey, that Siggy Socky guy. But we poured him.

He deserved it. All right, let me clean this story up. We did one of the gags we did was at a bar towards the last call where we got four people with opinions and did drunk crossfire back when crossfire was on CNN. Like a panel. Yeah. Panel is this. And then they actually stole that idea and try to make it. I know. Yeah.

Crossballs or. Yeah. Something like that. Oh, yeah, he crossed balls or... Yeah, something like that. So one of the guys that was very verbose as a drunk in a bar, they got some attention, so they brought him in to be a studio guest on one of our, like, best of wrap-up, I don't know.

But he came in as such an obnoxious asshole and trying to grab Juggies' tits. He's this fat fucking loser. He tried to plant fingers in Ralphie Mays' girl, who's probably used to big clumsy fingers, you know, but yeah, he was going to drink a whole pitcher of beer on the show to out of

respect for the Ziggy soggy guy. So, but he was going to do the Q and a, so he had a M and he wanted a whole pitcher of beer. So the, somehow the props guy ended up with the pitcher of beer. They were setting up the shot and the stools and everything. The pitcher of beer came over, and somebody tells me,

because I had a run-in with him on the drunken crossfire, said, piss in it. And I felt funny about it. I was new to the waterworks or, you know, the yellow arts. The yellow arts. But they're asking me to piss in the guy's symbolic beer.

Symbolic in that he was going to drink this as a toast to the guy who died. You're talking about Bill the Fox Foster. Yes. We're over there. The shot's getting ready to go. And then Ray, who's a hothead, who's always...

First of all, let's just not use names. Steve. These guys still work. Yeah, yeah. Jim, Joe, Terry, Frank. Anyway, he saw I wasn't going to piss in the container. He pours out about five inches of the beer, and then he hits it with...

He's got a big dick too. So I should say his name because it's good advertising. But a big dick, like a fire hose level of urine, probably well hydrated. And he filled that beer to the top with piss, and his phone went over, and then props guy stirs it. And it goes back to Fatty Fish, who's already drunk and menacing in between them, and then he does a spiel for the, hey, how about that Siggy Soggy guy, blah, blah, blah. Ahoy, hoy, hoy.

Chugs half a pitcher of beer. Small pitcher, but pitcher nonetheless. Of urine pouring down the side of his face. Yeah, but it was like the biggest moment for me in TV. Sal Volcano would have hurled i didn't get i didn't get that excited about the tapings of the show because it was kind of slow and redundant but when when that big fatty who who he was getting ready to drink that piss and the studio audience was uh you know finally into a hoopla because they got their second beer

or whatever and uh and and i was chanting go go because i was like yes he really gonna drink the piss and then not only did he drink it then he drank it and then it just flowed down both sides of his face and then he sat there like you know but he i'm sure he's had piss in his mouth before but here's the great thing at the end of it he's getting back in the town car that brought him out. And they go, can we take your picture? So it was like six inches of still piss beer. And he goes, no.

He grabbed it back and said, I want my man show beer. So he drove another 40 minutes back to his shithead town and drank our piss all the way out there and you thought just watching the show sucked yeah they never showed what is that you know what you asked sal and quinn about what sketches that didn't get on air maybe you can say something about the sketch we've done that so many times on the rogan podcast well the one the one we always wanted to do was i just want i thought it'd be cool to to do like an emergency delivery of alcohol to the homeless because you know they're thirsty and whatnot and why should

they have to beg for it and then that was the whole thing we wanted to do but it just we couldn't do it that's the one we always talk about on every interview but but maybe we'll get a show one day and oh here's what i wanted to do is uh is uh it was a confessional it was kind of they've done it for beer ads like a lot of things that's like uh but like a like you'd fuck over your friend like you tried to fuck his girlfriend and so you'd confess it but you'd confess it in front of a glory hole so it was like glory hole confessional so you just see a guy's lips moving gone i can't believe what i did to dale uh you know the chick made dinner and everything was going good we had a bottle of wine then i tried to fuck her or whatever and then you would punish him through the glory hole and the man show table or whatever.

And I wasn't adamant very often, but I said that and everybody liked it and they had a chuckle. And then they started modifying it for TV and they go. And then by the time it came around, it was no longer even my idea. And it was a Catholic church confessional. You got to remember, this is 2003, 2004. It was just a couple years before cable went completely tits out with Always Sunny in Philadelphia doing glory hole shit.

Yeah, so it came back around as the Catholic Church confessional, and I was like, no, glory hole confessional. It's only funny if you're through, you can call it whatever you call it, but it's a guy talking through a urinal hole. And then it was something else. And that's when I'd wander and go. I'd smoked a lot of weed. Just going, fuck it.

All right. You know, half idea. There were a few little flare-ups. It was your idea to have me fight Tonya Harding, who had just gone in for the infamy to infamy she was going into professional boxing did we have the anniversary of that this year like 20 years or something over her the clubbing no with the clubbing like a winter thing yeah maybe but uh andy came up with that idea and she was like i wanted to do it for a halftime replacement show. She agreed to do it, then showed up, said, I won't actually fight.

It has to be staged. I can't beat a man. And the idea was that I'm a fucking aged, out of shape fucking chain smoker. Doug had to gain weight for the part. Anyway, the point, this is what i'm segwaying to she wouldn't sign the boxing gloves that i've boxed her with because these are just gonna end up on ebay and i don't sign things because they'll just end up on ebay no that's why you sign things so yeah so she wouldn't sign them so when jake lamotta came the first time he came,

I got Jake LaMotta to sign the Tonya Harding boxing gloves that are still sitting in there. Again, something I should have hidden. I hope they're still there after the Super Bowl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now more valuable. And I was considering selling them on eBay, my eBay dehorred yard sale just to fuck with Tanya Harding. The best moment I got from that, because, well, I had a run-in with Tanya in Portland

where I was just like, yeah, where she was real cunty, and then I had to apologize to the club or whatever. So when she was boxing, then I was... Apologize to the club? Well, at Harvey's, like, Tanya's upset with you for whatever I'd said. What's the connection to Harvey's with Tanya Harding? Well, I didn't like this.

A lot of your parts of the story. Anyway, Tanya was worse than I am. She was cunty to me in Portland. So I carried that with me. So when Doug, we're sitting there and we're reading about her boxing, I asked Doug,

I go, would you punch that Tanya Harding bitch? And he goes, yeah, I'd fight her and and so i was that's how that all happened and i wanted it to be real and i wanted it to not be tv tv at all no it was and i wanted doug see here was the plan how it was going to be beautiful because a man doesn't just punch a woman unless he mouse off or you're in a limo and there's no

cameras you know how whatever you know i mean a man's got to do what a man says the phrase what unless he mouse off or you're in a limo and there's no cameras. You know, how, whatever. You know, I mean, a man's got to do what a man's got to do. Or she says the phrase, what a beautiful morning. Well, maybe that makes you a jerk, but I'm not every man's, you know, judging. You're not judging other people. I'm not Judge Wapner. We'll make this a two-parter,

and it'll start with Doug Junior and Andy Sober and then part two trunk. Yes, the Doug Stanhope virtual eBay yard sale. De hoarding my house. All this shit that I have that drags me down, that I hold on to for sentimental reasons or just basic hoarder reasons. Posters and shit. Well, someone will want it. Maybe you do. I don't know. I'm putting this shit on eBay and selling it. All these vintage sport jackets and pants. If you're a size 32 waist and a size 40 jacket, man, are you in luck. All we do on the road, our only interest,

other than drinking and driving the fuck out of there and finding a breakfast taco, is thrift store. So we thrift store and we find any ridiculous anchorman, Caddyshack, vintage, dumb slapshot has the best vintage suits in them. The original slapshot, not that dumb remake. Yeah, but I have overloaded closets with all these stupid outfits that you see me wear. So now I'm just going to have a virtual eBay yard sale. I have old tapes, memorabilia.ia shit i don't want my goddamn crawl

space i'll probably jam free shit in whatever you win on ebay check doug stanhope.com for a link because i don't know how ebay works but you you are going to put someone here in bisbee and business we'll probably throw a small chunk of that towards some ridiculous charity. You want a fucking poster? Because I know my family won't. 45 posters from the Shit Town Comedy Tour that are leftovers. You want them? They're on eBay.

I'll sign your shit. I'll rub my balls on it. Get this shit out of my crawl space. The Doug Stanhope Virtual eBay Yard Sale. Oh, it's coming up just before we kick off this march 25th road tour how about this with a little more seltzer water don't worry we got a girl over here to make drinks that's why we have her the only one who has a job here oh but but so so i wanted doug to keep because doug wasn't you know he was more flabby

or less you know and i honestly thought maybe tanya was taking it more for real uh but she was a scared you know she just used to punch in paula jones in the back of the head and a few over i was at that taping that was the one time i went to the man show oh yeah yeah yeah and she looked menacing refused to get out of the dressing room, right? There was a little bit of a, like, hey, this is Doug, Tanya. You know now what she was doing. Well, I don't know. And I don't know that we need to talk about it.

But she refused to get out of the dressing room to even come to taping. They called her to come out to get ready to go, and she would not show up. Because she was smoking crack cocaine. Well, that's not... That will be edited. Wow, it must have been, again, as I said with Bingo, it must have been crack cut with fucking bacon fat, because she was not...

Here we go. Positive point, Tanya Harding. First woman in the Olympics to do to do it yeah that's right triple axel the first the first olympics that tanya was in she was younger and not it said they had no no damage with her first person to make the olympics interesting after the collapse of the uh communism yes soviet union collapse but she could land the triple axle but but her she wasn't landing it well in practice i really felt bad for her when she showed up and all the writers like just fucking go for it and knock her out anyway no that but i wanted her to beat doug for the whole time

except for the last 30 seconds and then to go stan hope because because she was known as a man beater and you would have taken a beating because i wanted but i really wanted blood and the whole she puked in her corner yeah she was not in my the girl i was with at the time one minute rounds they weren't even real rounds no they were are you fucking kidding because there was no action they kept making these one minute rounds four minute rounds hoping to get like oh stretch like this podcast hey we could edit it down well not when i'm fucking dying my mother's my mother is my corner person and she's giving me beer and cigarettes in the corner letting me smoke because i can't hold a cigarette well you're boxing you're

bugging you're you're but she was literally vomiting in her corner. Tonya Hardy, not your mom. No, my wife is her corner person, Renee. And she was puking. She pissed herself at one point and told Renee she pissed herself. But they kept stretching these rounds and just even fake boxing. Once I hit her a little bit and I said, are you okay? And she said, no.

Fake boxing, by the way, is almost the same as real boxing when you are the participant, correct? Wind-wise, yeah. That's all that matters. I was fucking dying. And I could have knocked her out quick. Chad Shank says that now.

He's like, I fucking use elbows, man. But they better go down quick because I don't have any fucking wind left. Neither of them I would pair up against like horseback. Was there a pre-meeting during the Tanya Arding thing that you couldn't hit her in the face or breasts? No. It was an introduction is what it was. We thought when we – it's on. Okay.

She agreed to do it. And she's made some small page news for she's going into boxing. So she's coming. We think it's going to be a real – Danny Bonaduce style boxing. This is celebrity. But we thought it was going to be a real fight, and that's what I planned for. I didn't expect – I didn't train, but I planned that it was a real fight. And she showed up like, no, I'm not going to fight for real.

You're a man. I'm not going to fight a man. And her boyfriend slash manager at the time, who was also the referee in the ring, was this giant black dude who looked like the guy from the Green Mile. He died. Michael Clark. the Green Mile. He died. Michael Duncan Clark. He's done. He's done. Well, he seemed more like a pimp than a boyfriend, but he was in charge.

Well, he was. If she's doing the man show. Cannot dance with the old joke. Why are you fucking my wife? I have to. But you. He also imposed himself as the referee of the fight so yeah no i think it would have been a problem if i actually did go to town so what was it what was the middle

part i forgot it was they she thought it was a real fight and then they told you what no i we thought it was going to be a real fight and she said no i won't actually she thought it was going to be a real fight, and she said, no, I won't. Actually, she thought it was going to be a big comedy thing. And I know that's the comedy is that you're an Olympic trained athlete that's going into professional boxing, and I'm a wheezing fucking fat pig. Junkard who's smoking on the brakes and drinking beer. And I couldn't fucking throw a punch to you. So we thought that would be actually a you could get it by looking at an even fight i guess i guess nobody was aware

of that it was just going to be a complete fix and and uh so i ran a sports book on it remember that i got a bunch of money from everybody like props and everybody and i i made several side you did a side thing yeah i made several hundred. You did a side thing. Yeah, I made several hundred dollars on a fixed fight until we took off for Vegas. But the fix wasn't in on this thing. It was, yeah, because there was no. I couldn't hit her. He couldn't hit her.

I could pretend to hit her. And when I hit her, it felt like an actual connection. But you were trying. Are you okay? No, I couldn't. But you saw her. When she showed up, she was very athletic looking and square. And so everybody thought.

No, I wouldn't want to fight her. I wouldn't want to fight her. Everybody thought she was going to kick Doug's ass in the second round. Well, clearly, that's why I bet that much money. But she was thrown up between rounds one and two. She was terrified. i really felt bad for her as a human being like she was so skittish like a dog in a sarah mclaughlin commercial fucking terrified like just knowing like that i'm just gonna get fucked with at every angle

because ever since the scandal all they do is she's just a fucking mockery magnet. The best thing I got of that was the argument I had with Tanya years ago in Portland. I wanted a picture with her, and she was snotty. And then I just said, well, fuck you. I saw you in Penthouse. Was she technically a juggy that night? No, but I took a picture of her with juggies it was great it was like it's like hee-haw she and it's her and three juggies and she's

horrific to look at like she looked yeah horrific she yes there's people that you see that they're everyone has their own brand of ugly that just makes you mad. Like personally? Yeah. I have the face of someone I fucking hate in other people. There's different looks. God, I wish I could come up with something. It'd be like, but it's like.

No, no, no. We can be ugly. I want to be funny ugly. The picture is like. You're finugly. Finugly? I'll You're finugly. Finugly? I'll go with finugly. If you took like three Victoria's Secret models

and then stood them with a woman of like a 40-year-old woman with Down syndrome. That's what the picture is just such a contrast. And, you know, like, you know. She looks like my brother. Who, Tonya? Tonya Harding. With a blonde wig.

That pasty skin and the kind of awkward bloats. With a blonde wig, he could show up to personal appearances. Yes. But he doesn't make me mad ugly. Seth Green. Is that his name? Seth? I was trying to think of people that't make me mad ugly. Seth Green. Is that his name? Seth?

I was trying to think of people that just make me mad. Off the powers. Jamie Kennedy just makes me mad. I'm trying to find a current reference. To what? Spiky haired tips? No, it's just someone that makes you. Frosted tips.

You know they're a cunt in real life just by the way they look. And that's all you came up with is Seth Green and Jamie Kennedy? I'm trying to remember... Well, I don't remember stuff anymore. Until I see them. I go, I hate you, but I will never remember until I see you again. You don't see those people.

On the television. I have the television. The telly stands there and mocks him. Not Andy Samberg. It's someone like him. Seth Meyers? There's that Jewy guy with the unibrow. There is a Jewy look.

That clammy, I could stick a nickel to your forehead kind of look. Hitler did a lot of things wrong, but he did run a pretty good Olympics. Did he? I don't know. Did his Olympics go off without a hit? A tight camp. I bet his Olympics were without a terrorist event. Except for the one he created himself.

Well, sure, he was orchestrating. You know, a lot of people talk shit about Hitler. There was not a lot of knockout games during that era. Gary B.C. will just throw you off this podcast right now. Oh, good goodness. I trust that people will understand Andy. Oh, my God. I thought it was going to be me.

Oh, no, you're succinct. They won't understand what you mean, but they'll understand what you say. I'm good at Andy. I get to a talking point, it just comes out of the middle. You ever slap a roll of toilet paper so it flaps the whole roll out? That's what Andy talks like when you're drunk. Hey, let's talk about Junior. He just did HBO.

Oh, he did. Junior. I don't even know the show on comedy central junior. Your first, there's no, there's no name for it. And they didn't even tell me what day I would perform, but that's why I thought I was going to get cut.

So I didn't tell anybody about it. That's yeah. That's something I tell it. Never tell someone you're going to be on TV till you see it in the fucking. Sure. No, no, exactly. It was like, you're going to have a party. I go, I don't even know if it's going to be on TV until you see it in the fucking... That's your... Exactly. It was like, you're going to have a party?

I go, I don't even know if it's going to be on the damn air yet. You know? Yeah. Sorry for the word damn. Easy with the language. We'll bleep that. I don't even know how you found Junior, but Junior's been on tour with you off and on for the last two years.

And in Chicago before that. And the year before that, we did a few dates. But when we played the Lakeshore Theater in Chicago before that and the year before that we did a few dates but when we played the Lakeshore Theater in Chicago with Ritter oh my god that's more than two years not when you were there because when I used to bring the unbookables because that was horrible

we'd get a little too self indulgent so he said no on the unbookables I get a guy you're really going to like locally so yeah he john not john ridder junior uh ridder captain ridder captain midder ridder is all you need to know he put us together he's like i got a local guy and he's you'll love him and i fucking fell in love with him and yeah we've been together ever since

yeah there we go so you got the Dave Attell thing I know he saw you he loved you wasn't that in Dallas or Austin we crashed his show

but Junior wasn't part of that. How did he see? He probably saw when we played B.B. King's. B.B. King's, I was there. He came to the B.B. King's show in New York. But I was also in Houston where

he thought I was going to be one of those comics for like, hey, I'm Chad What's-Her'sFat-Guy with a girlfriend. But he thought I was going to be like one of those new comics with the fucking, hey, where'd you start comedy? I was just like, I don't give a shit. I just want to hang out. But he was so super nice, and he's the quickest motherfucker I've ever seen in my life. When I went to the main stage in Chicago, he brought me up on stage which was very nice and i didn't i just went over

to see him because i love him to death atel atel has a habit of bringing you on stage if you just go to see him like come on up and we'll do improv and talk and chat and then he just he's funny and you're just standing there with a drink and go i I don't know what to say back to you. But he had a show. He called me about it and said, hey, listen, Comedy Central, they're doing a show and they want you to do it. I told him there's no way you'd do it. But I didn't know it was his show.

I'd do a Tell's fucking show for sure. I thought they were just using him as a conduit to like, try to get comics on the show. And he's saying, they're not going to burn, you know, time they could use for this money. But it was his show and he put junior on it. Junior.

And I always say, my only advice is to never take advice because people will just tell you how to be like him but i gave junior advice i go you fucking send me this okay do that bit do that i did fucking email doug and he sent me the script and i go uh-oh i gotta uh did you do it did you yeah i did it i did it you gave me advice for something it was like i was kind of stressing on i think it was just the chicago comedy festival and you go you're not going to be the next david schwimmer so just have fun that hurt no but you know what can i say can i say thank you to all my friends here i know this

is kind of a faggy moment here don't worry we're all drunk hey this moment everyone's already stopped this moment is sponsored by Errant Glory Hall Sex. I only listen to podcasts when we're on the road during the day, killing time driving between gigs. I don't listen to shit at home. But if I were listening to this podcast during the day, I would have just stopped at a bar and just started drinking and missed the gig because that's all this podcast can lead you to. It's an intervention day.

But you killed. We got calls from people that were there going, fucking Tom Rhodes called, sea bubbles called. For a podcast? No, when he did that Attell show. He fucking destroyed, Junior destroyed his first TV. Tom was on a previous

show that same night. They were taping a bunch of shows. Wasn't he in the audience? I mean, or backstage? Who? Tom Rhodes. Tom Rhodes. Tom Rhodes. I think Doug, I'm pretty sure Doug got Tom Rhodes to me to be my chaperone.

Yes, I said take care of Junior. He's not really good at this. Tom Rhodes was there, and he Facebooked how he killed. It was good. Well, yeah, and he texted me. But, yeah, I did call him. Because he's one of the few drinkers left out there. Who, Attell?

No, Rhodes. Rhodes. Yeah, Rhodes and Ron White are the only two that ever come to mind of the guys that are big league guys that haven't fucking cashed in and a8 out and yeah i i can't stand that that's my one pet peeve there's no more everybody's sober everybody's like i gotta quit you know what if you do good for you but fuck you i'm still smoking and drinking and i need i need some uh so yeah i told roads keep an eye he said he's doing the show and i said keep an eye on junior stop because he's a fucking

drinker and he needs a buddy and i knew you were gonna panic and be terrified just when you did the fucking andy did the jim norton thing was that the hbo yeah yeah down and dirty with jim norton how'd that go i the the set i did i thought went okay compared to what was going on were you drinking no no i might you always wonder if it's it was a shitty show it was a terrible stressful situation because of what they that we we the people from out of town and there was a lot, stressful situation because of what they... The people from out of town, and there was a lot of New York comics that were just waved through. The people from out of town went and did a hurried set downtown, and then they go, we can't use that, that, that.

So they took out like half of what I had. But Andy, you've got to keep in mind andy doesn't really know what the fuck he's gonna say when he's saying it but before he did that he refused to rehearse like to go over material or he's not that guy i know i know he's not that guy i'm just saying that but if i would have rehearsed and i just would have had more problem bailing on the two that they took away because i knew what i was going to do that's what they'd seen and then they go well now we can't use it because we're going to have that that you know they were looking at it from a production standpoint going so but i and i looked at rouse rouse gave me good advice he goes just put the right bit at

the end that way if they don't want it, they can drop it. But he was right. Ultimately, that's what I did, is I had the right bit at the end. And then how did it go? Well, the guy who was in charge of HBO and greenlighting that show was the one in charge of all the good shows, and he happened to punch his wife at the De La Hoya fights, and he got fired. And then the new guy was responsible for all the military shows.

And I started off with an amputee military joke. That's not it. But anyway, that's a silly. Let him let him continue. No, I won't let him continue because I'm his friend and I know where this goes. But there's no military connection. Andy, this is an intervention now you need to be quiet while doug tells you how much he loves you i've never seen the set

but i've seen your sets a lot and they probably weren't gonna do what dan schlissel did and just edit piece it yes well in process, I went through with them, but they also told us they were eliminating a couple of people that. I don't think anyone would be better at podcasting than if Andy did a fucking. I don't think I bought. I thought the set went pretty well, though. I think you'd be great with just you talking into a microphone for an hour. Listen, I am.

I do that at home and nobody listens. It's a Mr. Microphone and it yells at his dog. Hey, good looking. I'm not a comic, but I'm out in the audience quite a bit for many years. Andy, I fucking love you. You were so funny. But the thing you do that I'm sure you did on HBO was you cupped the mic, which turns into this thing

where we're talking like this. We have two great podcasts with you, one with just us and one with me and you and Provenza. The Provenza one. Provenza was on both. Yeah, yeah. It was both of them. But a third of it is undecipherable.

There was some of that. But a third of it is undecipherable. There was some of that. Others were technical. Andy, I've run open mics up in Anchorage for two years against my will watching these guys. And the one thing I tell them is when you touch a microphone and you change the dynamics of an SM58, the Shure microphone that is standard everywhere, when you touch that microphone.

Corporate shill. When you touch that. I know, that's just all political jargon. Sponsored by Shure microphone, the SM58. When you touch that microphone. Corporate shill. When you touch that. I know, that's just all political jargon. Sponsored by Shure microphone, the SM58. It's the best microphone, $99, everywhere, guitar center. When you touch that thing, you change it. And I've told you numerous times, lightly. It's too late.

I know it is. It's too late. But I tell other comics, the whole reason you have a microphone is because you want to be heard. And when you grab the microphone like this you want to be heard and when you grab the microphone like this you change the dynamics of what you're doing and it really affects the performance but you know you're you're so fucking brilliant it's just that if if you're brilliant and you turn your back on the audience and don't have a microphone in your hand they don't give a shit. People are so fickle.

My point exactly. He wasn't touching the microphone. Was that clear? Yeah. That's you. In my entire life, Matt Becker and Andy Andrus are the funniest people I've known just to hang around all the time. And people leave a party and go, who was that one guy that was doing that thing? It's not an act.

Those are just people that are fucking mad. They ask about me, Becker, they remember. They go, who was the other guy in the hoodie? He slipped away. Becker. He mumbled and the mic didn't make sense. Who's that guy in the Haymarket Squares hat at DougStanhope.com?

Yeah. Andy's going to be fucking great when he's 50 like Eddie Pepitone. I think so. It's coming up. It's coming up quick. I think Andy's going to be the... I can't remember the name of the documentary. Blackfisher.

Man. There's actually three. There devil and daniel johnston but there's two other musicians that went fucking insane and you know the one guy that had a rodriguez no the guy from peak floyd oh no no no these are known as well as daniel johnston or less but the one guy that went insane and Daniel Johnston. No, I already, the only way he could sleep was turning on like five different TVs to white

noise. And then radios, he had to have a cacophony of white noise to drown out the fucking shit going on in his head uh some caller email me with that you're the one who has to have the tv set the big band era music loud kills the silence people that show up party crashers that are not invited it's not an open thing people will a few people have shown up because i give out my address maybe hunter thompson just got tired of people dropping in you know but the thing is what people don't understand about us

is at this hour we're a bit lively but when we wake up it's fucking us dead silent corpse like staring at each other and you put on a little big band swing music. Who's going to clean up this mess? Derek. Hey, this podcast is sponsored by Reverend Derek. He takes care of all the shit around here and gets no respect, and I keep it that way because I don't want him getting too big for his britches. Well, getting in a car accident and having brain damage keeps a guy in check.

There's a lot of fake brain damage there. You know what? The perfect point, ETC. When I was doing my celebrity death pool, like I was doing my research, that's all the helmet-to-helmet contact. ETC? Yeah. I'm like, ETC, I found a Wikipedia page for all these old NFL players

who have fucking brain damage and shit and going to kill themselves Dave Doerson style, Chicago Bears 85. Oh, the greatest team of all time. So I get a list of that. And I want to say, yeah, Derek, Derek is there. And I'm like, yeah, the fucking ETC or ECT. He goes and he spilled out the whole word. He gave me the whole brain damage a lot to fucking slide.

He's a pretend retard. He's smarter than he plays on. But good scam. All right. Let's wrap this up. Jesus. I want to know about Juggie feuds. What do you mean Juggie feuds?

There wasn't Juggie feuds. There was feuds between us and the Juggies. Doug had one where it was one of the old school juggies and she was trying to make the previous show yeah from the previous shows and she goes come on doug there is no i in team and you said yeah but there's a you and cunt is i stole that from matt becker but yeah no on a street corner while while we were filming, she saddles up to Doug and me on a street corner, and she says, come on, there's no I in team.

And then Doug said that, and then she went back and talked to the producer. Hush, hush, communique. That was Juggie. What was that, Juggie? I don't know. The blonde one. No one knows.

But she really did belong to adam and jimmy it was like somebody didn't clean out their locker and there's like a filthy jockstrap it's not really yours but nobody gets rid of it and then it just stays there it's still good what are you doing but we had some fresh new jobs i want to hear about crazy juggies we didn't really uh associate with they only came in once in a while the ones that would come yeah they only came in for taping and but the ones that i thought was interesting is the they were the girls who did the trampoline and we'd get them for a hundred bucks and i went there for auditions one day and it was a small trampoline set up and they all had exercise trampoline yeah yeah like a ridiculously small one and i called for that uh i wasn't even supposed to be there

but i and they all and they clearly you weren't supposed to be there they all had heels and they were chicks like you're not you may not even abusive, but you'd probably punch them once in a while. Just dumb, weird. They wore high heels to a trampoline audition? Yes, exactly. So unprofessional. Yeah, no. And they would say this.

And then the rest of the people at the audition, they just let me talk. It was a lady, the casting lady. And then the rest of the people at the audition, they just let me talk because they didn't know. It was a lady, the one casting lady. And so I was the lead there. All of a sudden, I infiltrated it, and I'm in the lead. You were running the audition? Audition, yeah. Now that is a reality series.

Did you ever? Here was the line I would say. They would go, do you want me to jump on the trampoline? And I'd go, sure, that's cool. Let's see some of that. And they had the heels on, all of them. And they'd say, do you want me to hit the heels or use the heels on the trampoline? And I would say, can you jump on the trampoline with those without breaking your neck?

And they would giggle and say, no. And I'd say, well, take the heels off then. say no and i'd say well take the heels off then at andy andrist at junior stopka on twitter booked them you have a bar book them don't be they don't fucking do anything to try to get booked they don't seem that ambitious i'm surprised they're terrified of rejection. Yes. Yeah. So, yeah. No, no. I saddle up with rejection. Sometimes you just assume rejection and then accept it, even though you'd never asked. Right. But yeah, they'll come out and play your joint. Would you buy me a sandwich?

Junior, let's do a segment for my podcast on manscaping. Manshowscaping, I call it. No, manshowscapecoating. Hey, quick break. This podcast brought to you by Josiah Ossego, Tucson comedian that admitted to bringing that shithead to my party. And him and Ali, another Tucson comic. You two are great guys, and thanks for coming.

I'll tell you something about Tanya Harding. I got very hard while I watched her box. If you know, DougStanhope.com. Love y'all. And there's two new Jesus movies coming out One about Noah's Ark Has Russell Crowe Pray about it

That's how bad it got This podcast was sponsored by Jesus Bring your congregation Alright I'm done I have to pack and I have to go on the God damn road Good night All right, I'm done. I have to pack and I have to go on the goddamn road. Good night. And that was Andy Andrist.

The next podcast is just going to be me. I'm going to go crawl into my house and try to rehab on my own terms, my own meaning of the term. I am going to try to quit smoking and uh so who knows maybe i won't be able to talk maybe i'll fail uh maybe i'll kill who knows tune in is that a cliffhanger i hope he doesn't smoke cigarettes anymore what do you guys think chat rooms becoming rooms become engulfed with will he quit or not how long will he make it oh doug i know it's selfish to say but he looks so sexy with his cigarette i kind of hope he doesn't quit that's it i'm hitting the road play the mattoid

you've been listening to the doug stanhope podcast recorded live in the funhouse Party time. You've been listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast, recorded live in the Funhouse in Busby, Arizona, with Doug Stanhope, Andy Andrus, Junior Stavka, and Greg Shaley, engineered and produced by me, Greg Shaley. Opening song by Mishka Shubale, Party Time by The Matt Toy. Both available on iTunes. This podcast is sponsored by the upcoming Doug Stanhope eBay Yard Sale.

Join the mailing list at DougStanhope.com for all the info and first chance to bid. Find out about all of Doug's upcoming tour dates by joining the mailing list at DougStanhope.com. Thanks for listening. Smile your smiles and do your blues. It's party time. Dance your dance and shoe your shoes. it's party time Dance your dance and shoo your shoes, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your crap, Sam

Fuck your fucks, it's party time Everybody! Crap your crap, Sam Fuck your fucks, it's party time One more! Crap your crap, Sam Fuck your fucks, it's party time Here we go!

Party time, yeah Party time, yeah Party time, yeah Party time, yeah! Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, hey! Party time. Yeah! Pock the time. Did you have something else you wanted to do, Doug?

No. I don't even want to do this.