The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #221: Middle of the Tour Podcast (Wausau, WI)

Episode Date: August 25, 2017

Doug and Andy are 6 shows into the tour and go over the ups and downs, highs and lows. Chaille and Ms. Tracey help with some of the fuzzy parts. New dates added for Sept, Oct & Nov of 2017. Get on the Mailing List or go to http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/.Recorded Aug 14th, 2017 at the Stoney Creek Inn in Wausau, WI with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Andy Andrist (@AndyAndrist), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by- BlueApron.com. Get you first 3 meals for FREE by signing up at BlueApron.com/Stanhope (@blueapron)LINKS:- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Fuck your background noise. It's already recording. We need a minute. We ain't got a minute. I gotta clean my penis. Alright. Andy's gotta clean his penis. I just wanted to put water in my nose.

Alright. We just finished Wausau. Greater Wausau. Wausau adjacent. It was a Wausau, Wisconsin where all the greats play.

We had to play a sub-community. I don't know what we just did we just did an old western town set it looked like a downtown uh deadwood my god we couldn't sell out wausau i shouldn't say we on this yeah because when i announced i'm going to be there, tickets didn't move at all. Andy Andrist, Greg Chaley, myself in Wausau adjacent, adjacent because we're not staying in the same suburb of Wausau. We're in a different one. Tracy is doing the bartending.

But wait, where's my drink? We'll get to Bert Kreischer eventually. Is this your tease? Yeah, this is a tease. How about that? Professional. But let's get through tonight because I sucked. For the first time, this is the first day of the second week of this tour. And for the first time, I felt good during the day.

I was writing shit. i just kept writing stuff i'm like hey i feel great what are we doing because i should be doing something and chaley's saying just relax i'm like no for the first time i feel productive i don't know why you're me and i'm you i'm like like, chill, man. Chill. Lay back. No, I... But you... Okay. Oh, fuck. I just realized what I should have been doing for the book.

Just one last thing for the book I didn't do. But anyway... But we had a night off. We didn't have a very long drive. And then we had a short drive today. And you did a lot of writing last night. You were sitting out on that porch. Yeah, I didn't even get to that. I was writing more shit. So, I mean, you had a very... writing last night. You were sitting out on that porch. Yeah, I didn't even get to that.

I was writing more shit. So, I mean, it was relaxing. All right. Let's go to the show. We go to the show in Wausau, where I've never played before. And it's a very weird venue. Not a bad venue, but a weird venue. Like, to get to the stage you walk down

three floors through the audience it looked like a hamster habitat from above like have a trail yeah have a trail is a perfect way yeah through the audience like like you're fucking i was gonna say the name of the fight we're not promoting but like you're a boxer who has to have all sorts of ups and downs and through the audience. It's weird. And he has a great set. Yeah, really good.

We'll have to review it. I was fucking around with the opener and I spent way too much time thinking about how to try to make the opener have fun at well i don't think the audience was going to be that great anyway i don't i still don't think they were great it felt like that opener who was uh taping uh his short he was trying to get a five minutes set on tape and i go i'll help you you were acting like you were his uncle and going now

listen everyone but you cleared it by by destroying you were his uncle and going, now listen everyone. You told the audience to react in a way that was unnatural and then that skewed the whole curve. I got up there and I still felt like they were giving too much. You were collateral damage? Yeah, yeah.

Listen, this isn't that funny. But yeah, you did pipe him up pretty good. There were people who I felt originally, like from the beginning, that I was being pompous to a point where if it was a Doug Stanoff audience, which they had to be on some level, we'll get to it. I know you have a story about this,

but I told you to shut your fucking mouth until we're taping. Yeah, we all had to. You know when you're being over the top, I'm a douchebag. We're very aware of that. You feel like, oh oh I'm Dustin Diamond you're lucky to have me I felt like I was you're welcome Duluth

or whoever yeah Werther I was not being a douche but I would refuse to even try to pronounce the name of the town do we go with Andy's story first or Chaley's story? Andy first.

While I'm on stage, failing, because I'm trying to force a long, long bit up front that I wrote that was funny during the day, and you go, I wrote this during the day expecting an audience that's not here. So I did kind of an impromptu meet and greet. After you get off stage. Yeah, an emphasis on the meet.

But there's a lady in the lobby who wanted a cigarette and then attached herself to me. And I don't think she said she didn't like me very much uh but she wanted that's how she introduced you something like that and she just kept feeling a little bit more specific well she just kept tracy was there but she just kept spilling drinks and making sort of like creepy old lady sweet talk about wanting to see my penis or whatever uh how old go ahead uh Probably my age. I'm a pickle. She's 40. I'm a pickle.

The winners are hard on people out here. She was anywhere from 42 to 60 something. I'm going middle of that. Tracy bets the middles. Yeah. It was hard to judge, but she was a little sketchy.

I heard she was like fight club. Yeah. I have opioids. I have uppers. I have downers. Yeah. Yeah, let's go. Where are we going to do them or whatever?

And then we kind of settled on she just wanted to see my dick. And so I went to the bathroom, and I came out, and Shaley's been telling me to look out for cameras. But I just wanted to get it over with, so I pulled my dick out. And then she wasn't even looking. And I was like, oh, there's a camera right there. So I basically tried to get myself rebooked. It would have splayed my dick out.

But then she didn't believe it or whatever. But anyway, she was sitting there. Falatted? I'm trying to read your notes. My dick shows better in mid-range. Because there's no disappointment. Did she put her readers on? Did she put her bifocals on?

Yeah, there were three point O's. Cheaters. Three point O's. And I go, good, I got to put my cheaters on too. And that's just a sleep mask. So I helped her boyfriend walk her out into the car after she fell under the bench. Go ahead.

I'm talking. Well, I don't want to brag or nothing, but we walked her out to the car, and then he said, she's my designated driver and i said i know that is i got a couple wait hang on fight fight club what happened no well she yeah she he goes that's my designated driver and i go you know plan b maybe or whatever but we did put her in the passenger side for legal reasons i will say that and uh and she goes, I still want to see your dick.

You got to back up for a second. I was just moving a couch over to this little table so I could sit because I tried to stand in the aborted podcast we abandoned earlier. So now I'm sitting. I missed Fight Club. Chaley, explain. Yeah. Well, no, he went out to the car, but then. Who's the dude?

The dude was her boyfriend. So Andy and the boyfriend... We both arm and arm like a Civil War injury. Wait, this woman blew you in a car as he walked? No, no, no. She blew me standing outside of the car. She was sitting in the car. I just was fulfilling an obligation to show my dick to her that I did misfired in the club.

All right. For ego purposes, how long did they wait for my set to not fulfill them before she came out to blow you? I paid $35. I'm getting something. I'm sucking35. I'm getting something. I'm sucking the fucking other guy's dick. Well, and she didn't even think she knew I was with the show, to be honest. I don't think she, there was, yeah. There was no entry into the conversation like that.

It was pure and simple cock greed. Like the ladies out here, when they're not even hungry, but they're at a mini mart and they see cheese curds. It was pure and simple cock greed. Like the ladies out here, when they're not even hungry, but they're at a mini mart and they see cheese curds. It was like that. It was like, oh, I need something. And he goes, I'm one of her boyfriends. Like, she's a hot commodity here. Of course, it's Wausau.

Wausau, they call her Wausau, the Wausau cannonball. What was her name? Fuck. Yeah, Debbie. Let's just say Debbie for sake of, yeah. And I didn't, she didn't, I didn't, you know, I mean, I was showing her my penis, but she was like, I mean, it was very vacuum-ish

where I put it close to her and she took to it like a bass on a worm or whatever. And the first one was, and then I pulled back, and then she did a better one. It was like, if she started lead with that one, I'd probably still be with her. The second one was slow and passionate, and then the third one was, again, a suckling, like a choking victim. We just got air. And that's where I said goodnight. Middle acts have all the fun.

Oh, tonight it was headlining. Yeah, it was completely platonic and passionless. Like a marital one. It's really like more of a medical check. It was pretty clinical, except for being outside in front of a camera. Oh, yeah, that part. But yay, yay, I haven't updated my headshots for a while, so I got a new headshot video.

We are at the... Kevin. First night of the second week of, I say a month long, whatever. It's 21 days and basically a month. Chaley's looking for math. Point being, we did a week. We did Champaign, Illinois, DeKalb, Madison, something. Rochester.

Rochester and Duluth. Then we had a night off. And then we started tonight. This is where it starts. We'll go back to a recap. But the whole tour, we have been Burt-casting. The Burt Kreischer podcast, we've been binging. The one that was...

I'm doing a six-hour podcast and here's a 17-minute intro with me and my wife and we talk about Blue Apron. You think you fucking bitch about my Blue Apron fucking spots. He and Leanne are passionate

about Blue Apron. I know. We like it. I mean, I cook it I couldn't even promote the blowjob I got earlier you know I mean if you're desperately out of them but it's a

five and a half hour podcast less than 17 minutes of him I'm fucking with you Bert he sets up his podcast. On this podcast, this is what happens. And a lot of times, he just gives away the plot. You were sleeping today or editing when he set up the whole podcast.

And he goes, and this guy, he's the best storyteller ever. Everyone's the ultimate best. He's the best storyteller ever. Everyone's the ultimate best. And he's like, during the live podcast he's putting out, he's already told you everything he's saying to the guy. You know how I always say on the podcast, I probably told this story before. He sets up the story with the story.

On this podcast, I go, hey, if this... I'm fucking with you too much, Bert. If this was a podcast, we're going to be positive. The point being... We've had some mega drives, and his podcast is not over yet, and then we get

back in the car the next day and finish it. We're doing a month of Bert casting, because what I love about the Burt cast, I'll be honest, he mentions my name in every single podcast. And that's a way to rope a listener. And then he mentions my name, but he calls me James Inman. We'll get to that. Don't even.

No, don't edit. Fucking Inman will fall for if we ever get to that. Don't even... No, don't edit. Fucking Inman will fall for if we ever get to that plant, but you're off topic. He mentions Stanhope. That was funny because the first couple of gigs, we have long drives,

and every time he said Stanhope, Chaley would say, drink, and then everyone in the van says, drink, when he says, well, Stanhope, drink. And it got to the point that as much as it fulfills my ego, it got embarrassing. Because I want to listen to Burt Kass. Got me drunk. And I don't want you to think.

You were driving. I don't want people to think, oh, I just want him to mention my name more. Like, I'm playing this for you. Which I would do if there was a chick and I go, oh, we're on a long drive. I go, you like podcasts? Let's put in any random

Burt Kreischer podcast and then I'd act surprised when he mentioned my name. Oh, that's me. Oh, that Burt Kreischer podcast, and then I'd act surprised when he mentioned my name. Oh, that's me. Oh. Wow. Oh, that Burt Kreischer. I didn't know you were famous.

I thought you were just cruising the bus station. So at one point early on in our Burt cast trek, after so many times of drink, drink. He said, you know the great thing about Stanhope? He surrounds himself with the coolest people ever. And Shelly goes, fuck, drink, chug. Finally, you guys got recognized. It was funny. And that was two days in.

And then we did this five and a half hour Danish and O'Neill. And that lasted three days. And the first one was the Joey Cocotillas. Joey Cocotillas. Over three hours. All right. This is where this starts. Because we're going to start a thing.

Oh, you're going to do that. Okay. Yeah. We're going to start a thing. Oh, you're going to do that. Okay. Yeah. We're going to start a thing. We've already done it. The first one we listen to, because you just, I don't know how to do podcasts. Chaley does. So I go, I want to listen to Bert.

And he's swiping through. I've listened to Bert before, right before he came on the Swapcast and Bisbee. Yeah. Listened to a few. Loved that he always mentioned my name somehow. And I like it. But this one, I go, oh, Joey Diaz. Everyone loves Joey Diaz on a podcast.

So I go, let's listen to that. Well, the first drink was like, yeah, well, I don't do shit like that. Like Dougie Stanhope, his publicist called me to get him on my podcast to promote a show. And that's where my soul sunk like a hernia going through your balls. A publicist called Joey diaz without my knowledge like if i needed to do a podcast to promote something i my friends like stern i'm afraid of i'm afraid they're gonna say we don't like them anymore for fucking a dozen years or more but more for fucking a dozen years or more but i'd have a publicist call them so i wouldn't know but joey diaz or like fucking rogan no i'll call you go hey can i do your podcast and you say no and he goes no a publicist called me and and he they want uh do you stand up to do my to promote

probably the book or something or the fucking cISO that's now defunct. I think it was Comedians, Comedians, Comedians or something. Whatever it was, the idea that he would think I wouldn't call him. First of all, I don't know that Joey Diaz actually has a podcast. Yeah, he does. Boy, I know he does, but I know he does periscopes and shit. I don't know if he stays up with any of this shit.

So, but I would call him directly. Yeah, if you wanted to be on his podcast. Yeah, no, I wouldn't call him directly. What I would do is I would say it on my podcast hey i have a book or something coming out um tweet joey ds and tell him to listen to the the one-hour, three-minute mark of my podcast, and then if he responds, tweet me at the 51-minute mark of his podcast and send me a link, and I'll go,

why does Dougie Stenholm have to talk about this on a podcast? You know why? Because we don't. Fucking Kreischer mentions my name in every one of his podcasts, but he never answers my calls. So what I'm going to start now is pod calling. So right now, actually go back however long this conversation started and tweet Bert Kreischer that at some point we're talking about him.

And then I'm going to wait because now I'm addicted to his podcast. And then when he responds on his podcast, at the whatever, four hour and 31 minutes in yeah please be yes give me a and then and then we're well even rogan rogan and i talk about every three months and he says he wants to come to bisbee and i say we should tour together. It's just stuff. But it's easier to talk via podcast. Rogan was the first guy that started texting after he said texting was dumb and then started mocking me for texting. And I don't want to text because I have fumbly booze-shaked thumbs.

You can do it by voice. No, we're going to do it by podcast. All the podcasters out there that are friends, hey, drop me a line on your live podcast, and I will respond on my podcast via listeners. Yeah, once the listeners, hey, Rogan asked you to be on his podcast. When are you going to be in town, Doug?

That's how I met. I haven't met him in person yet. But Dean Wien from Wien. Yeah. I got an email from him, but I also got a bunch of tweets from people saying, Hey, Dean Ween from Ween is talking about you on Facebook. He wants to meet you. Well, you know what?

This is a good way to talk to my... Let me try it. Hey, Bert, I'll bring a fat joint we can smoke together in Denver. Direct message. I already explained to people to go back to where we start pod calling. I thought you said pot calling. It's like smoke signals or beating drums. Let me go back to what fucking Joey Diaz said on the first Burt cast we listened to on this. He's like, yeah, the publicist called.

And he's, Doug, Stanhope wants to be on your fucking show. And, but I, they said he shows up with a bunch of people. And I know they're all like fucking hippies and shit. And the only, the only thing I could think was when we do, because he went into a long thing about when he does Joe Rogan's podcast, I want to bring him a pack of cigarettes because I know Joe hates cigarettes. And I love to watch Joe's face every time he hears the fucking lighter click. You see? Joe snaps his head.

He snaps his head. He, he snaps his head. He fucking hates it. I love it. I love it. But he shows up with like four hippies. Hennigan loves to come along. Hennigan's the only one who goes along with it. He's the hippie.

He goes to Burning Man. He is a hippie. He's a fucking hippie. That's it. You go to Burning Man man he's a hippie he's a fucking hippie one time you go to burning man you're a hippie yeah one time well joey ds gets every fact wrong but it's usually when he's talking about me it's in my favor if i fucked uh uh two girls in a week i fucked 40 whores at one time so I like that I like his but

several times when I've done Rogan's podcast like one time it was you and Bingo that was at the Ice House yeah that was a long time ago and then other times it's me and Hennigan or maybe me and Bingo and Hennigan and Bingo might be the hippie

or there's no hippie at all Iigan, and Bingo might be the hippie, or there's no hippie at all. I don't know. He shows up with 40 hippies. He brings his own personal Burning Man. Well, you are on the cover of High Time magazine. Yeah, that's kind of hippie-ish. That's fucking way hippie.

He opens for fish. Point being, Joey Coco Diaz, if I need to do your podcast, and I would love to, I would pod call you directly. No hippies. Who else? Danish and O'Neal. That was the five and a half hour of Burt Kreischer. That was, yeah, they started it, I think it was 9 o'clock they announced it. Where did we drive at the beginning to where it was? That was the long one. I want to look at my notes.

Doug will yell again. Where were we? Weren't we driving? That was one of the long drives. I think that was DeKalb to Madison. I think that's where we started the Danish. And then we had like 20 minutes. We had three gigs, but this is the great thing.

The Burt cast has always ended within minutes of us hitting our gig. Yeah. Yeah. He wraps up when we see a Goodwill or Subway. It's been perfect. So we're going to start. We started Swapcast, which is only working with Bert and two other. There's a couple.

There's a couple. I forget to write it down when I hear it. I looked it up. It's not even on fucking Urban Dictionary, the Swapcast. But I don't understand the business of this. I think I would be more proud if it was in wikipedia well you start with urban dictionary and you earn your open mic bones of the internet i don't know we could we could actually submit it to wikipedia rogan actually

called me and this is the other idea i have to pitch and wait on a phone or a pod yeah no it was after uh that fucking we were doing that swap uh the swap cast the uh mobile green room yeah no and i think it was madison uh and i was the other idea that i have no refunds my album like is one of my most popular albums, if you want to call it that. Where do you get it? Yeah, where do you get it? Well, they stopped producing it, and I had a shit deal on it. I get fucked.

I'm like, oh, my God. And anyone who's worked for them and is not currently will tell you. Can't get it. Discontinued. Well, how about that? Just fucking sell it back to me. Get your catalog back. All right.

So here's my idea. It's not a new thing for artists to get fucked by a label and not be able to get that back. They love that from the music industry. Yeah. But this is what, this is a fucking shard of brilliance

from what's left of my brain. By the same way that musicians can't get their shit back, proprietary rats, comics can't get copyright on a joke. Can't get copyright on a joke. So what happens is what if I take no refunds and redo it myself? And instead of saying, ah, I say, oh, just like Vanilla Ice and fucking David Bowie.

Well, you can't copyright comedy. Well, then I'm just going to do the exact same album in the exact same outfit, 10 years older. Repackage. And if you sue me, then you set precedent for all other comics having copyright, proprietary, etc., etc. And the only problem with that is having to do a 10-year-old album and act like those stories are relevant today. Like put the fire behind something that's been out there for 10 years.

So my other idea, Burt Joe anyone Burr I don't know who has an early album that they got fucked by the commission the recording company

whoever owns the label whoever produced it usually has rights that would be more fun I've always talked Andy I've always talked about doing Andy Andrist's

greatest hits by Doug Stanhope because Andy is the funniest guy but fucks up his bits every night yet adds ten new tags

to an old bit Doug Stanhope does Andy Andrist well that's private that's private that can hit a lot of shelves you can walk him you can walk him to your car Andy yeah I hope does, Andy Andrus. Well, that's private. That could hit a lot of shelves.

You can walk him to your car, Andy. Yeah. Problem is, no one's scrambling for your album. Well, once the eclipse gets closer, I think people will be heading to the local library or Walgreens to get Andy Andrus dumbed down for the masses. All right, let's take a break and we will be back after these messages i listened to a an episode of behind the podcast with bill burr and he says what he does is he picks up a mic he hits record and then he talks for an hour and then hits send it and it's out yet you seem to have

all these gadgets like cords uh paperwork okay levels yep but you know what bill burr he doesn't need to have paperwork for uh you you know what Bill Bird doesn't have to do? He doesn't have to eat at a fucking Coney's stand unless he acts like, I like to get the flavor for the fucking Michigan scene where I'm eating. A Coney dog used to be good. Remember, Chaley, when you had something that you thought you really enjoyed and then you eat it again, like when you were a kid and you had peanut butter and jelly, but you had thick layers of peanut butter and you go, oh, this is disgusting.

I can't imagine how you used to eat it. And on this tour, we're listening. We're binging on the Burt cast, Burt Kreischer's podcast, who is also sponsored by Blue Apron, but when you hear Bert Kreischer talk about Blue Apron with his wife, Leanne, you would think that's his you porn of food. And at first you go, this is a little bit overbearing until you ate too many Coney dogs because you booked too many fucking dates in Michigan. And you're like, they put mustard on a Coney dog the same way you would put cheese on nachos. Like, no, a thin line of mustard. And then you go, oh, ooh, that blue apron. He keeps talking about it, and the more he talks about it, I miss home and an actual beautifully cooked, healthy, nice.

Affordable. Affordable. Well, a coney dog is not really robbing the bank. Really? You had that coney dog, and they decided how much mustard to put on it, so you had to order another one, and then you ended up canceling it. You'reing it right so it would have been over ten dollars i didn't want to be a dick and return it so if you would have four dollar and fifty cent coonie dog if you would have gotten the meal you wanted made the way you wanted it with a chef in the back who has no idea who you are what you want that would have been over ten dollars for the meal. Well, this is what brought this up, I thought,

because we've eaten so many shitty meals on the road, and I know it's a staple of comics saying, on the road it's hard to eat well, which is usually an excuse, but at the same time, it's hard to eat well and eat what you know is good. And we were talking about, wouldn't it be funny if we could get blue apron to send meals that I could just bring into a shitty restaurant and go, listen,

what you're doing. I ate here yesterday. It's not good. So here's blue apron. You got a kitchen cook this up it's easy directions and you won't feed that stuffing into my head that i have to swallow because i only have hours before i have to drink and do a show look look here we can actually do real grill marks you don't have to be back there painting them on with the

fingernail polish. Chickenish breast. Chickenish breast. Actually, that's the beauty of Blue Apron, Doug. On the last run of the tour, I actually stopped Blue Apron altogether because you can stop and start as you want. You go to the website

and you can pick the meals you want. It's like a local opener has to shut off. Oh, I'm no longer at that address. That was my cousin's couch for a week. Yeah, just send it to this P.O. box. Can you get Blue Apron at a P.O. box? I don't know. I might be a little drunk.

They ship everywhere. All right. But what I did this time, since we were going to be on the road, I decided to send a couple of the meals to Denise, who's running the merch store back in Bisbee. So she's been getting the boxes, and she's been cooking them while we've been gone. And you can't get them sent to a lot of hotels, we found out. Hey, can you send that ahead to a hotel we're not checked into yet so we can bring it to a restaurant? I know it stinks that's next door, but it's now closed.

Sorry, we're just in a fucking bad place right now. They'll even deliver to Flint. They need it. Talk about a food desert. The one thing, asterisk, Blue Apron does not ship bottled water with the meal. So Flint, just take what you can get with the meal. Water, that's on you. They do send everything you need to make the meal except the water.

And easy to follow directions with pictures. And you can make the meals in 40 minutes or less my god i just i just miss you can't make it all in a microwave which at best on the road you could get a microwave but you could you could probably you could probably do it i'm doing naked and afraid in my head thinking a blue apron like oh we could do it a microwave we could we could burn it on top of the hood of the car if we leave the car running long enough we can make blue apron they have all the all the packets of spices and the things to mix it with as you just put it all in the carburetor but i'm an old dude maybe they don't have carburetors anymore, especially with the cooking oil.

Well, we do have a coffee machine, and we've got a microwave and an refrigerator. You can make everything in a Blue Apron meal in a Keurig K-cup. That's the truth. And if I'm wrong, sue me and take away my sponsorship. If I'm wrong, sue me and take away my sponsorship. Well, actually, Blue Apron does have a freshness guarantee. When that box gets to your door every week, every ingredient in your delivery arrives ready to cook or they will make it right. Ready to cook in a K-cup. I say drunk hanging off a bed, but I guarantee you Blue Apron is available in a K-cup.

bed, but I guarantee you Blue Apron is available in a K-cup, and it's like that movie where they repo man, and they just have food in a can, and it says food. All right, this is not really right. You're sort of right in that it's easy, and it comes with step-by-step, easy-to-follow recipe card and pre-portioned ingredients and can be prepared in 40 minutes or less in a kitchen. You know what? K-cups can be made in less than four. Well, I think Blue Apron comes in a K-cup. No, it comes in a box.

Oh, the box. The box. That's right. It's not a K-cup. Yes. All right. I pack light. Hey, here's what we're going to miss because we're going to still be on tour.

But Denise is going to get it because she gets to do the Blue Apron back in Bisbee while we're gone. Next week, she's got vegetable lo mein with eggplant and bok choy, fried eggs and French green lentils with tomatoes and mustard dressing. And then I picked another one for the spicy Korean chicken bow with green bean and tomato salad. Delicious. Oh, hey, hey, Blue Apron. Can you send our merch gal a coney, which is it's pig and trails with too much mustard.

Squeeze nacho cheese. Like they go, you want cheese on your Coney? And I go, yeah. And they do that pump cheese from the ballpark. Oh, the napalm.

Like, can you send that? Send that to her and go April fools. Hey, it's blue apron, April fools. I sent you the most disgusting thing that Michigan is proud of when we're craving a blue apron. And all we get is pig entrails with fake squeezy cheese. I don't think they're going to do that.

But I can switch it so we can send her the, for next week's meal, the cornmeal crusted shrimp po' boy with tomato and cucumber salad. That's as close as we can get to Michigan's finest coney dog, which is just, they don't do coney dogs, Doug. I know. You don't either. Listen, Blue Apron. You don't either. Listen, Blue Apron, Burt Kreischer, if I die out here in the killing fields of Coney dogs and shitty gigs,

I will you my Blue Aprons so you can double down and get as fat as Tom Segura. Hey, check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash stanhope. You will love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals

with Blue Apron. So don't wait. Tomorrow never comes. Act now. Act fast. That's blueapron.com slash Stanhope. Blue Apron. It's a better way to cook.

Hey, we're back. Bert, if any comic out there this is the Doug talks to Bert Kreischer that's the title of this and we'll start pod calling by that I talk to I talk to Bert Kreischer

not about him I'm talking to you Bert I talked to Bert Kreischer. Not about him. I'm talking to you, Bert. You just haven't answered yet on your podcast, Calling Me Back. So listen, Bert, listen. If you had an album where you didn't have the rights and they're fucking you over, I still have to buy that fucking thing for eight dollars a dvd even though no one buys dvds but i want to sell them after shows well how about we do each others which is funny you have to do no refunds memorize it do it poorly i do yours as best I can and then we sell those

just to set precedent. Either you sue us and set legal precedent where comedy can be copywritten or they shut the fuck up and beat feet because they, yeah, it's a fucking phenomenal idea.

Then you could do another album of Bert's rendition of your album, No Refunds. And then we can do my original idea that's fucking a decade old of doing That Nigger Is Crazy, nigger is crazy where i do a compilation of all the bits of comedians that are either uh comedy police or known hacks but either way just to set precedent where you can't do this you can't do this no yeah i just did so someone please stop me from just blatantly stealing fucking jokes well he said uh instead of between the exact same bits and that way you burn the old people that used to matter and don't matter none no more great white stanhope should be remade oh my god that should be burned remade i'd sue i'd sue on that one you cannot do that it was terrible yeah i was too young they took it it's like child porn

my first album the great white stanhope is like tracy lord's porn where you can't even own it. He was too young in his career. He was taking advantage of. Or the Andy Andrus beta tapes buried in Florida. All right. Well, there we started. Bullet point where I said Joey Diaz. it's too late now you'd have to rewind all right yeah let's get back to tonight all right yeah we're gonna start pod dialing

comics that are friends that never talk to each other because you don't know what to say it's so much easier to get drunk and say hello on a podcast so here's a pod dial for burt kreischer oh yeah pod dial i think you coined it yeah well like swap cast hey pod dial at bill burr thanks for retweeting that thing that i said about the fucking i don't even know what you call it. It doesn't have a 911 yet, but yesterday's... Virginia? Yeah. Yeah. Charlottesville, Virginia fucking...

Or as the racists call it, the Dodge Charger that actually spun out of control for a minute. You did give that guy a good joke. We worked on it together. It's a long story. Anyway, back to tonight. So you were on stage and... Wausau. Wausau.

Raider. By the way, I'm smoking. We rented the suite just to podcast in the Stony Creek. Let's give him a plug. This is nice. The Stony Creek in Wausau adjacent. And I looked it up because we were going to podcast in the shithole last night, and there was no chairs, really.

They had a lot of beds. Long story. They did? Yeah. We had six beds. Like a, I don't know what it would be like a single twin bed in the corner away from like a regular room it was a motor in halfway here where like uh construction guys that are road crew house yeah that that single bed in

the corner looked more like a hostage quarters rather than just a child. But it was like, yeah. Plastic sheets. Two full beds and then a thing shoved into the corner for whoever you have latched up in the car. It was perfect for what we needed and we sought it out and came up lucky. But what was my point? The suite. You got the suite tonight point the suite you got the suite tonight oh we got the suite yeah just for uh this is so good if you're a smoker they didn't make me initial tomorrow on checkout it's right now it's good no i didn't i didn't have to initial the box i'm sorry you've never

had a credit card where you had to check into a hotel about what they do. Yeah. No, I've been asked to leave hotels when I've had credit cards, like immediately. No, when you were smoking your fucking skunk weed. Yeah. Well, you hang out with hippies, so you got to expect some of that. Well, hold on a second. Have we told that story?

I don't think we have. Oh, all right. Go ahead. I toured with Brett Erickson. Yeah, you and Erickson tried to do your own alone tour. We had a long trip. We got to a hotel. We checked in.

I went out to go smoke pot because I have glaucoma or whatever. It hurts. It's long drives and the squint from the road. So I walked out and uh erickson went it was napping he just dozed off for the first 15 minutes in the hotel i'd like walk out i walked by this black guy who's walking a couple guests down the hall and uh and then uh and then when i come back he's walking out of the room. He was in the room with Erickson, the manager. Manager, like day manager?

And then he's sniffing me. I don't like that. I don't know what race you are, but please don't heavy sniff me when I'm walking. And so the phone rings, and then it's a lady. She says, you have to leave the hotel, the manager said, and you're going to have to pay $250, and he doesn't want to meet you, doesn't want to talk to you about it. I so want Brett Erickson's side of the story.

No, it's exactly. So far, it's pretty accurate. Well, I mean, let's look. Okay, we do have to back up. Andy doesn't drive. Erickson gets to the hotel after driving from the gig, and he just wants to crash out and take a nap. Andy will not not smoke pot.

I know. Well, when it's medicine, you know, like if you... But not when it's in a state where it's illegal. And the first day you go, and then you would take a walk, but then that night you would just start smoking in the van. That's the thing is Andy went out. He left, right? And Doug, we've had this before.

Like you go outside to smoke, but if you come in after going outside to smoke cigarettes and you stand in the room and someone knocks on the door and then the door opens in that rush of air, they'd go, who's smoking in this room? Because your jacket has the smoke. Yeah, and in fact, the guy came from, he let himself into the room while Erickson was napping. Yes. And sniffs the room, and he doesn't smell any pot. But then he walks by me coming back from the car, of course.

And that air wash. Yeah, yeah, and I smell like weed. So basically, I did your laundry, and your pants gave off an offensive smell, and it would be like, hey, man, you can't come into the hotel because I smelled your pants, and he didn't want to talk about it. Well, we've talked about this with putting rotten fish in rental cars so they can't go, oh, you broke the smoking policy. Well, you couldn't smell that over the hint of rotten fish in fucking summer in Louisiana.

There's no way you could have smelled that. Did I drop a trout? I'm so sorry. Yeah, so we got- So what happened was Erickson was asleep. He was awakened by the manager, and the manager asked to come in. And Erickson goes, sure, come in. No one's smoking in here, because no one was. And that And Erickson goes, sure, come in. No one's smoking in here because no one was.

And that's Erickson's side of it. Then Andy comes in. No, I just went out to the car because it was Idaho Falls, and I respect them. Oh, because you have to. Yeah. So then we got the thing, and the guy didn't want to talk to us. And then he finally did, and it was like bad Santa. We're in the office with him, and then he finally dropped the $250 thing,

and Brett goes, good, that's all I wanted, and he left, and I just stared at him. Wait, this is at night? No, no, middle, no, like 11.30, 12 o'clock check-in time, or, you know, it was early afternoon. Wait, you just checked in and started smoking weed in the room? That's when the glaucoma gets to its worst. Yeah, no, yes.

It was our time. They were west of us, and it was about 4 o'clock our time. 4.20, close to home. Point being, you get thrown out of a hotel in the same daylight that you checked in about 20 minutes after we checked i thought it was way less worse that i thought you got thrown out at night no no you got thrown out immediately yeah yeah i see i get it all wrong and then i thought you were not as bad as you sound now and not as bad as much as brett might back you up on that story we've been on the road for

eight or nine days and one day you say andy and then you just fucking reek up everything you were smoking weed where you could see the the trail of it as ricky williams says i prefer to say using cannabis for medical purposes okay last night in that flop house motel you moved for some reason you moved a heavy like you had a park bench that was made out of steel in front of your thing with a butt can right beside it. Every place had a butt can. And the owner lady that ran it, she reminded me of my mother so much. We pull in. It's like 15 rooms in a motor lodge, motel, Inn, full of people that live there.

But they had rooms four and five open for us. I think those are the only two ever available. Well, at some point, Andy goes out, and I hear him dragging the metal. It's a wrought iron, like, park bench type thing that you would get at Lowe's. And everyone is taking turns in front of their room sitting in them because they're all these sloppy social service

kind of people that live in weekly rental motels. Weekly rate, yeah. And they all know each other and they just go out, they smoke. Everyone has a butt can. You used to. Or maybe that was me.

The fucking coffee can you jack off it. What? It's on one of my albums. Maybe I stole it from Andy. They're very Grapes of Wrath vibe. Like they're migrant workers who never look for work. Very friendly. At some point in the late afternoon,

I hear that scratching of wrought iron, heavy bench. Andy is, for some reason, which I still don't know and will get to you for an answer as you make up one now. He's moved the butt can that was by the door

and now he's moved it on the other side and moved the... Derek did it in front of the window. What? What? Get your part of the bench in front of the window? The whole fucking bench is in front of the window. All I know...

No, they're all just setting a little off for the window. Is this an OCD thing? I just... No, I just... I thought it would be better if it was in front of the window here's the thing he only moves it not even a foot and moves the ash can on the other side and i go what were you doing with the thing and as andy does during any podcast you listen to you're my other thing the same just moving in the burr so i ignore it then he lights up a fucking joint with the kowtow trucker couple

right next to us with the wind going in their direction and lights up a joint here's what i hang on i'm not done the is, now you have your weed smoke 11 inches closer to the people sitting next to us, and I'm like, is he doing this shit on purpose? He moved it that way? Yeah, he moved it towards the people, the manager's office. No, watching the fucking wind.

Like it matters. Oh my God. Well, it might. These are old. These are not fucking hippies. These are old crustaceans that are probably Trump voters if they had ID. And that place probably calls the cops quite a bit. Legalize it.

Thanks for making a political statement on my dime. Yeah, I'm now the smoker's smoker. I can now find another door, because that's not something. If everybody's smoking something that's going to cause cancer, why should we be like, I don't like that scent? Well, because yours is illegal, and theirs is not. And cheese curds are at many marts here in the state. So, I mean, who's killing who? Well, you know what?

I'm glad you didn't get your dick sucked by any of those women, because the one tonight... No, those ladies were too old by about a year. Damn it! I mean, I didn't ask for it. And they were all accompanied. It's like you're just goofing off at a car wash in the vacuum. And you go, I wonder if that'll get close to my dick. And you wave it around.

And then, I mean, you know, blowjob's a strong phrase. Is that why you wash your car in running shorts? I'm giving you shit. Even though I'm the one who fucking ate a fucking horrible comedy dick tonight. No, no, no. Well, you had walkouts. I mean, I guess I did. I guess.

Go ahead. I was out doing blow and getting my dick sucked. So I thought your set went good. I tried to force a new 15 up front. Trifecta. Yeah, I know. He got blow. He had a good set. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Someone touched his dick. I've never done a triple-double. I mean, you know, it's probably... Mark this one. You know, it's like I want to be like Graypole. Part of it was on, you know, other people helped out. Takes a village. Yeah, takes a village.

That village idiot to pass out and fall under a bench and have to... I don't know if I was just paranoid. Because it was a weird setup, and we did not even come close to selling out Wausau. No, no, you know what it was? It was a mix-up in our numbers. All right, we can talk business off the air. No, you know what it was? There was a mix-up in our numbers. We can talk business off the air. No, you said the number that I told you,

that wasn't even close to what we were going to sell. It was all fucked up. It's a fucked up venue anyway. Not bad, but it's weird. There's like three tiers. It's an old cowboy. There's people way below you. There's people a little bit above you.

And then there's a third tier. But it's still only a 200 and something senior. I think Shaley said it best earlier. It was like a dance club that they sold to a comedy club. And they told him, you can't make any changes. Because that's what it was. He did say that. That was a good description. But it turns out it wasn't a dance club.

It was a cowboy bar. And I don't know what the distinction between... Line dancing versus... Whatever, yeah. And that's what that tour is. The electric slide versus the fucking hokey pokey. Nakey breaky stage. I had so many dated references tonight.

You did say that. I was like, thank you so much because I'm dating myself with everything I say. Because you were very off script tonight. But at one point. That's what the point of this tour is. Exactly. And I forced myself to do that. And it hurts when it fails.

But I knew what you were doing. And you kept saying that I had a frown on my face. But people kept leaving. And I thought they were going to smoke. Which I used to. They were doing drugs with me. I used to snap on people. because I used to have walkouts back in the day when people are just there to see comedy.

I would have massive walkouts. And when smoking bans started passing, I'd yell at people, Oh, you can't take it. Fuck you. And they're just going out to smoke. They're coming back. And I'm, so this time people are leaving and I just leave it alone and they don't come back.

And someone that I was having a repertoire with from the audience, like, Hey, where's that lady? I was, this is a call back to, she left. Where's her friend?

They left. Oh really? There's a lot of people that left. So go ahead. Well, you had gotten the obligatory shot sent to the stage or something. I couldn't see because of a post in my way. I couldn't see you for part of it. But you got a drink and you said, please don't do this.

This is it. I'll drink this one, whatever. And then fast forward. It's like you're about 50 minutes in. And Tracy and I are out at the merch booth getting ready. And it's a service bar out there. There's nobody there. And you can hear the conversations across this bar, what's going on.

And this couple that had walked out, that Tracy said were a walkout, they came back in. And they said, oh, we had a great time. Great time. We just got to go. There's a relative thing. just got to go there's a relative thing we got to get out of here and uh you know get a throw another shot on that tab for stanhope get him and get you know what get him too get up and i'm like just what and chase and i look at each other it's like shaking our heads. Oh, God, what do we do? Because I'm like, should we just?

Well, I realized today that I never do shots. No. Again, the Burt cast. Yeah. Times. Hey, he talked about you again at this moment. Tweet him. Hey, he talked about you.

The Burt cast where he's talking about doing shots. And I drink some beers and I do shots and I do this and that. Tito's. But I don't do shots because when I switched a few years ago, several. Several, now. To mix drinks, to do a shot. What am I going to do a shot of? I'm already drinking liquor.

I used to drink beer and do Jägermeister. That's a good point. You would drink Miller Lights all night long. Yeah. But I do have do Jägermeister. That's a good point. You would drink Miller Lights all night long. Yeah. But I do have a Jägermeister. So when they started with the Send 2, I'm like, this could keep going, like an auction, right? So I walk over there. I'm not usually very – I don't really have a really good bedside manner sometimes.

People, they don't like me immediately. That happens. That's just a talent. Less and less. That's a gift I have. I walk out and I said, excuse me for interrupting. If I could just assist you here. Let's not do the shots, the one shot or the two shots.

Now is the time I usually take a double whiskey splash of Coke to the stage. And if you would like to buy Mr. Stanhope a drink, might I suggest that? It doesn't sound like that to me. That's exactly what I said. Did you do that with that cadence? Yeah. But I'm wearing almost the same outfit just a different color palette than you and you have kind of a like

an old man purple mohawk kind of thing but not like stand up 80s he still had to ask it seems like you might know him. And I just turned it. And I go, I said, thank you for the drink for Mr. Stanhope. And I left. And I left it at that. And that was it. And that's why you got the drink you got instead of the two bullets.

I'm not saying, I won't say where, but I'm not sure who I learned this from. It was probably you. No, I don't know. But the dummy shots. I don't want to do 30 shots with people after a show, but I tell a waitress. For the listener, back in the day when people would just show up for comedy, not knowing who they were seeing, but if you were drinking, they would just send you shots to the point they wanted you to die and at any week at coots yeah i used to do that too where i was i for some reason i was a company man montana

was the worst of like word they just send you like 50 shots you like you didn't know how to say no but you wanted the club to make money off of you so you got booked back. So you'd go send me dummies. Make it look. Which I think that's illegal. Yeah, it's probably illegal. Rarely enforced. Find a person at the bar

and go, look, a bunch of people are going to offer to buy me shots tonight because I was hilarious. And if you just pour a bunch of water in the vodka bottle, I'll just keep sucking them down and playing it up. And I did that. Madison. Well, I wasn't going to say that. But thanks for all the shots.

Madison, what happened? He told the bartender, oh, that's where you were pouring. I finally got a little loose with the water. I got plenty drunk even though I wasn't doing shots. This is where we had that crazy green shirt guy that got ejected. So the bartender says, Andy and the bartender are like, hey, look, they're going to start buying me shots. Can we just do water? She grabbed a bottle out of the trash, a vodka bottle,

and filled it full of water, like halfway, right? And then Andy tells me, I'm like, Andy, that's really smart. Good for you. And then we're at the bar at the end of the show. I remember. I still blackout drunk. And he grabs, and I'm thinking, this fucking genius, he could drive us home, right? He grabs the bottle from behind the bar.

Yeah, where's the keys? And throws it up. I remember that. And he's like, glug, glug, glug. And right then, the owner of the bar walks behind the girls. And I'm like, I see that. I'm like, they don't know that he was there. And so I grabbed it.

And I go, no, it's fake. And then I look at Andy and Andy. Oh, you called him out for being a fake? Yes. The fucking owner was. You pull the owner aside. You don't tell the fuck. The owner was walking up wondering what the fuck.

He's behind the bar. Fuck that guy. And I look at Andy and Andy is shithouse drunk. He was supposed to do the fake shots so he didn't get wasted. He was fucking stumbling drunk. Even though it was turning down all the free shots I was doing, I was still, you know, I did what they wanted. I got fucked up.

She told me, she goes, yeah, he's kind of a hard ass. He didn't know we were doing that. And I'm like, well, I hope. Because at one point, I almost thought it was real vodka. Early on in our careers, you would have to, in some gigs, go, listen, after three or four, I'll give you the fucking high eye. Because that's all the audience wanted was to send you shots and watch you fall apart on stage.

And I don't blame them. We do that to Inman. By the way, Inman... James Inman. James Inman will be on the 29th and the 31st of August, this year of our Lord, 2017. And James Inman, in case people don't know, star of your podcast, star of the Unbookable, star of stage and screen.

I don't know if I've had more requests for someone other than James Inman. Yeah, James has told me, he's like, I'm the most popular guest on the podcast. So that's why they, and it's always a train wreck. So it's always fun. You know why we can't get guests that will lose their mind and shit their pants easily in Bisbee, Arizona. Yeah. Or on the road anywhere. Yeah, if you like fluids leaking out, James Inman's your podcast.

James Inman's your podcast. So he will be both on the shows in Kansas City at the Improv and the Asian Theater. In Denver. Kansas City's the 29th. Yes. Denver. 31st. Last night of the show. Last night of the tour is the 31st.

And Denver, there might be a very special guest there. Really? That we have maybe or not probably mentioned on this podcast. That got cut. No, no. We cut that last podcast, and this is where we're going right now. Okay. We tried to do a podcast before the show, sober during the afternoon.

I tried to save it by getting really high but i couldn't do it for everybody it just you didn't try hard enough i know well it was like doing the local news yeah and what happened here and what and it was all negative because i'm not a positive guy and i go let's just try to do this and not just shit on everyone. We hated. Let's just put this as an addendum. This is the first week of the tour. Well,

how did the last week, the last beats of last week's tour. That's what I'm saying. This, this we're, we're going to do a wrap up of the first week of the tour and we're going to do it positive, even if it's negative. We're going to do it in a positive fashion rather than shitting on club owners, clubs, anyone.

So you guys both displayed great wrestling skills. Yeah, that's all right. No, that's what I said. Every time we do these, we try to do it chronologically rather than what's fucking important. Oh, awesome that you went right to the end. I still have fucking rug burns on my knees from the last night of the first week where Chaley came in at some point and I tried to wrestle him. We were in Duluth. We were in Duluth and We were in Duluth.

And I don't know why. You guys were at a gay bar. And do you know? Hang on, Tracy. Hold on. Andy was on acid. Tracy's going to talk. Andy remembers part of it for sure.

But I think you were the instigator. I'm sure I was. Greg was down in Greco-Roman stance, and you leaped off the bed. Let's go back to the beginning of that night. Someone gave drugs to Chaley for you that he thought was pot when he was just doing sound checks. And he said, the guy says, hey, here's 120. Yeah. This is what Chaley heard.

Here's 120 milligrams. Here's a piece of tinfoil. Which can cause dementia. He looks at it and he sees a gummy. And gummies, edible gummies are a thing. That's weed, man. Yeah, he thought it was weed. He gave

it to me. So we're walking to the gig and he gives it to you and he goes, this is 120 milligrams. And we're walking to the gig, and he gives it to you, and he goes, this is 120 milligrams. And we're in a breezeway, so that just skips right over my head. Here's some drugs. No, it didn't skip over your head. Well, he gave me some numbers, and then I thought it was weed. But even 120 milligrams of weed, that's quite an amount.

Well, according to Joey Cocodias. Timestamp, Joey Cocodias. Timestamp. Joey Cocodias has been brought up. Yeah. He's talking about, I did a fucking thousand fucking megastars or some shit. As far as edible weed goes, I can probably get right close to overdosing without it being a problem. But that's why I just ate it. And then I ate the other half.

Three steps later they were saying that one of the you're so small one of the burt casts he was saying that would when joey was on joey had done a thousand at some point and then danish and o'neill said something like like eight milligrams either way and Andy eats half of 120 milligrams, and then before we even get the rest of the jet way, he eats the other half, and you said,

that's 120 milligrams. He goes, it ain't my first rodeo. Well, cut to... It was, actually. Yeah, cut to the end of the show. It was not pot, and the guy did not the show. LSD rodeo. It was not pot. And the guy did not say milligrams. He said micrograms of LSD in a gummy bear.

I know what a microcephalic head looks like next to a small head. Not a millicephalic. Yeah, it started getting all squirrely. Microcephalic? Yeah, microcephalic. Versus millicephalic. Yeah, those were the old school Zika. I get off stage.

Andy Andrist is tripping his fucking balls off at the merch booth, which I wait. I need 10 minutes to go smoke a cigarette and calm down before I get in behind the booth to sell merch. I need to calm down and get into that headspace of politician. Sign shit. Take pictures that I beg you not to want. Let's be positive. And Chaley says, that weed wasn't weed. Andy's tripping.

And I see Andy, and he's just scribbling his name on shit and looking up at the lights. He had tracers coming out of his pen, he said. Yeah, there were lights coming out. I mean, it was like one of those fancy ones you'd order. We need to say this. Andy had a really, had he wanted to time it, he couldn't have done it better because he went up,

when we were walking over, we were like 10 minutes from going on stage which andy goes up almost immediately he had a great set that night fucking fantastic came off and we're standing in the hallway looking at you through that window to the stage and he goes that guy didn't say they were like hallucinogens in that weed did he and i'm like no that's weed that's weed. And I'm like, no, that's weed. That's weed, dude. And I had no idea. And two more times he asked me, it feels like there were hallucinogens in that gummy. Well, for the record, that was the last show of the first week.

And we're walking distance, a block from the hotel. So Chaley is hammered because, yeah, it's our last night, and he deserves it for all the work he does. Yet he knows how much I hate the merch booth, and he wants to... Duluth, the place we played, is like the smallest place ever. It's a little tiny bar that when the show is done, you walk out into a big bar that now has Friday night fucking egghead drunkard people. The perfect place to trip on acid. So Chaley's drunk. I don't want to be there at the merch booth, but Chaley does.

This is Chaley's moment to shine. Hang on. And he's like, no, I'll take your picture. No, let's try it again. Try it from a different angle. I'm like, Chaley, just get me the fuck out of here. And then he tells me, you're tripping your balls off. You're going to go.

It's the end of the week. We get out of it. Go ahead. Go ahead. No, my plan was to get us out of there and if i'm taking the pictures it's because these fuckers don't know how to work their own phone okay that's it because they're going to take they're going to take multiple pictures and yes i was drunk and we're going to walk back but honestly that was a good show you i mean it was duluth the audience people from canada that came

down for the show. How they even found out, because half the tickets were bought immediately from being on the mailing list, being in Duluth. No, all of them. All of them were bought from the mailing list. So there were a lot of podcast fans, and it was great. And yeah, we set it up even though it was a fucking fuck up. Can I quickly put in before I forget? Yeah. And I've put in before I forget? Yeah.

And I've been telling audiences this. The reason I'm playing way outside of your city that actually has a sports team is to get this ready to play a major market. I don't have open mic where I live, so I do this out in the fucking bum skirts where they appreciate you rather than you fucking that's why we're not in proper wausau once i get it ready we're going across the street get ready wausau yeah we're gonna take that other exit fuck you roth's child up by the goodwill we're

taking a right instead of a left next time all right so i'm gonna that's not hard to understand right that you would you would work smaller towns and then circle back through later on in the year or next year. It's not hard for the listener to understand, but comics... No, you just go to the comedy cell fucking 85 times a week for nothing.

No, I don't have that kind of longevity. Or patience. In my life. I'm talking about life. Yeah, I probably won't live that long to do 85 sets at the con. I don't want to hear myself. I don't want to say these things over and over again. I do what I do, you do what you do, and we're good.

Well, we're listening to other podcasts and how positive. And I know you care about your fans or whatever, but it just seemed like really hollow. It's like people going on about people you should care about, but you don't. I mean, I do enjoy whatever, but it's like I don't go out and do comedy because I love people laughing. In fact,

that's really bothersome a lot of times. They don't really care about other people. If all of you would just be quiet and sit on your hands. I can't even make the people around me happy. The people who are in my inner life happy, and I don't care about that. Let alone... Anyway, I mean, I love the fans.

As long as you end on a positive note, Andy, it all works out, right? Well, that's what we're trying to do. I'm going to go around the table. Oh, I got my story from the first week. The first week, again, we played Champagne, DeKalb, Madison, Rochester, Duluth. That was the first five days. And Chaley already has, just tell me one fun story. We're going to try to be positive.

We're going to be all Bill Burr. Everything's good. Wait, Tommy Rhodes? Oh, fuck. He's more positive. We had to go to the, in Madison, we had to go to the venue and then turn around really quick and come back and get you guys and then head back there. We took an Uber. We just parked the car because it looked like a weird situation where there would be no parking, right?

And when we came back, I saw this – At the gig. There was no parking. At the gig. And the hotel is downtown, so it's valet parking. Valet. We'll just leave the car there, get an Uber real quick. We'll just drive up.

It's right there by the Capitol. So it's like there's this fucking awesome looking frontage to this bar. Cocksucker. That's a closing story, but go ahead. That's the best story of the week. And I go, Tracy, I bet you Doug doesn't even know that place is there because I got a text from you we're in the bar, hotel bar

drinking that stuff you could see it if there was a window on the side of that bar you could see Andy and I were in the Holiday Inn or whatever the fuck it was bar it wasn't bad

only the two of us, it was empty and it was a holiday in. I'll take your word for it, because I was blackout drunk. No, no, no. This is early, before the show. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They found this place. Right, okay.

And we made a mental note. While we were sitting there having a couple of men's. So we had to go up really quick, change, come back down, like 20 minutes, and then we had to jet to the place. And then we do this whole show. Everything that goes on at madison great crowd and uh we head back and we go to this the tornado room oh my god and we go in there bird chrysler you would fucking love this place everyone mark and they get a And they get a lot of comics end up going there. Bill.

I want to say Nick. Bill Burr. No, it was David Tell. Hang on. Let me go back to where was it where we went to that spaghetti place. Oh, it's San Jose. Oh, fuck. You guys weren't even there.

You weren't there. No, I wasn't. You weren't there and you weren't there. We've talked about this on a podcast. This place in San Jose where the last time I had dinner with Laura Kimball, may you rest alive in my act. Oh, my God. It's the best, but it's like that.

May she tan in shade. The fucking tornado room was so much better this is what I love about the tornado room I'm sorry he brought up Burr Burr the last time I went to that fucking place Spaghetti place in San Jose Burr if you can

mark this and just say oh by the way the name of that place in San Jose, the spaghetti place, because he was there the week before I was there and then Todd Barry was coming in. Don't mark Todd Barry. He's no Brendan Walsh. Go ahead. What?

Oh, sorry. The tornado room, they had this super low light, and the smell of charred steaks was just dripping off everything in there. And that guy was a good bartender, knew how to fucking bartend, wasn't phased by our old fucking fuddy-duddy drinks. And then... That's what they sell. You told me the year it was open. It's 40s or 50s. I don't know.

But it's... Old neon. The thing I love about that place, the number one thing, is their late night menu is fucking awesome. The sirloin that we had, we had scallops. I mean, the shrimp cocktail. All really good, none of it to go.

Because you don't want some fucking assholes walking up with their mesh tank top and their flip-flops coming in, being assholes, waiting for a steak sandwich to die for. But I staggered up. I'll get to you, Andy. And I love that. When he explained that, when our bartender explained that to me, I said, that's what makes this place great,

is that you have a policy that says, fuck the money, we want this to be a good spot. You have to understand, we had already done this fucked up show in madison uh where like a guy got fucking tased and it's just a bunch of bullshit not not during the show we we heard about this new part of the act and yeah i got blackout drunk because i hate violence well that's what happened we get back this tornado place uh the tornado lounge is right beside our hotel.

So you're fucked up. Andy's so fucked. You bring him up to the room, lay him down. Do you remember his quote? You'd be surprised. He went into our bathroom and duck walked across when he realized it wasn't his bathroom. He had the conjoining rooms.

With his pants down. And then he fucking fell down on the bed. And I go, perfect. This is great. We'll close that chapter. And I look in there and he opens his eyes and I go, hey Andy, maybe it's just good to call it a night. And he goes, you'd be surprised.

Yeah, and he were, too. And we left. But this is after the show. This is Madison, Wisconsin, which is the capital. We are at the capital. I'm already, like, anytime I hear, like, New York comics go, yeah, and then we went out to dinner at fucking 10 p.m. I'm like, what restaurant do you know is open at 10 p.m.?

Because the markets I work, the fucking Taco Bell is closed at 10 p.m., and I ate Pop-Tarts out of a vending machine. So what the fuck? So this is like after midnight where you tell me you drove me by it on the way to the gig. And I'm like, oh, my God. Just the neon. The look. The old neon on the outside.

The brick and the window. It's like madmen still alive. And it's not a facade. It's a real. It's been open that long. Four deep booths. So you guys come back from dropping andy in bed we go in there and it is that era nothing has changed and wearing the suits that we wear

we shuffle in there like we were the original owners and within short time, someone from the show, which the show was like 20 minutes away. It's not like we went. It's not next door. No. I'm like, no one's going to fucking know me in this place.

I can't believe it's still open. The bar's open. Oh no, the restaurant is open too we get these giant shrimp cocktails then some people at the bar recognize me in a suit that belongs in this bar and they go oh we were at your show and then the wait staff goes oh the guy so i'm in the back in the kitchen no one recognizes me ever. And like Bert Kreischer said in one of the podcasts, I love it when people recognize you out of school where it's not going to be some fucking...

At the bar where you just performed. So I'm in the back. The fucking guy that's cooking steaks is posing for pictures. Oh, is that where you went? Yeah. For a while, yeah. Yeah, they asked me to come back you're on the line it was fucking great you want to take the tongs a little bit stanhope like just the fact that anyone serves food at this hour in the most incredible place and then i ordered shrimp cocktail and then we smelled steak and I'm like we should get a steak

let's get a steak we get a steak he's got a steak then I'm sitting in the limelight and I look over through the big picture window and there's Andy surprise I told you you'd be surprised

i don't even know how he knew to go down that street no because that was a five way it was i got kicked out of at least two bars but i was pretty blackout so there could have been a third one i just remember all this negativity uh the opposite of this pot yeah he was trying to find us he kept going into bars around and they go whoa like yeah one of them was like i was like a fucking airplane trying to land on the wrong runway fucking waving lights and shit and uh i mean i didn't even say hey how you doing or could I get a cocktail? No, no.

I mean, discrimination. I got a disease. They said you can't come back in here or something. Yeah. They accused you of being there earlier. That's what lost him. I don't know. But I know I saw him out of my peripheral vision because we had the front seat at the bar. And I go, that's andy hang on what what

okay i'll be yeah i was like you know like well you went you whipped right by us there's a guy played for the dodgers the first black guy so it would have felt like i was denied from going into multiple places and then i run into a few teammates and they vouch for me and I sit down. I did. I walked out and I said Andy, Andy. Not only was I welcome, they served me, I think. There was a bar next door that you were heading towards because you could see it was a

bar with a line. Oh, that was an Irish bar. And I said Andy, I saw him, thank God. And he came back and I stopped him at the door of the tornado, and I said, you've got to get your shit together. Don't say anything, because you're obviously drunk. I will get you.

Well, that's what everybody was saying. That's exactly what they were saying. I had to talk you down. The consensus was. I mean, I should have ran into you first. Or just stayed in bed. Either way. I know't yeah i don't i that my i want to meet blackout me sometime because i think we should sit down and have a meeting because we should get on the same page i've been at that meeting yeah it's chaotic and it seems like it'd be fun. At this point, I've already made my bones, as they might say.

Everyone knows me, so you're kind of good. I think I told you that probably. Did I eat? Yes. Actually, you ate a lot of my food because I can't. I need like two pieces of steak. You had like one bite of that steak i was surprised because it was smelled so good oh my god it was good so long to chew it

with so few back teeth as blackout drunk as i get i sort of have a good survival instinct except for when i blacked out before the coke arrived that one time it's like you know i usually wake up it's like there's something i need to get up for, stagger around. All right. I think you're going to admit to things from years ago. So let's move on to this perfect old-fashioned madman steakhouse. I get you sequestered. You're sitting down behaving yourself. Fuck yeah. I'm a good man.

Everyone is happy. I go out to smoke a cigarette in front of the tornado. That's our fucking sponsor for this. Tornado room. Did you just stagger out with weed? Hang on. Oh, no. No.

You know the story. You just don't remember it. He doesn't remember eating a magnificent steak. How's he going to remember what you're going to tell him? It's the fucking smell of it. I already ate a giant shrimp cocktail. Like giant shrimp. A tacky shrimp.

Colossal. I go out to, listen to this. I go out to smoke a cigarette. And I'm standing there. And it's the diagonal meter parking in front. And there's a GMC. i remember it was a gmc kind of like a tahoe but whatever a gmc version was and not a new one and so i'm i'm standing in front of it and there's a widescreen television set facing towards me from the back seat.

Like it's taking up the entire back seat. It's like 48 inches. It's not a little thing. Yeah. It's not a computer screen. And there's a dude, an old dude, sitting in the front seat alone. And I'm staring at this. It's very close.

It's not an aberration. I did not get dosed with LSD like Andy did in Duluth. But I was drunk. But Andy was drunker. So you guys know, the listener, how that feels. When someone's drunker than you, you feel sober. Oh, I could drive. Andy's barely standing up.

And I stopped a couple people on the street. I go, hey, I don't want to be weird, but is that a dude with a TV that's playing towards us? Flat screen. Yeah, in a parked car at a meter. And yeah, that's, fuck, that's weird. And then I went down to that bar Andy was headed towards. I go, hey, I don't want to bother you, but could you just look at this?

You can see it from. That's a dude. It's like what you would think would maybe a homeless dude, but the car is not that old, but it's not that new, and he has a widescreen, full-color TV playing towards him that he must be watching through the rearview mirror.

It was playing towards the front, and he was in the front seat. Yeah, you're right. That's fucked up. People that thought I was a homeless person person because it's that kind of neighborhood. They did that to me when I went in that bar. Well, Chaley, I didn't know, doesn't smoke. He was inside the restaurant watching the same thing.

But it was like. Just cable? I'm trying to figure out what, like why would someone be doing that? Because he kept turning. Like he was turning from the front seat driver's position. He was turning around, looking over his shoulder, and then flipping the channels. Do you remember what he was watching? No.

CSI Miami. David Caruso. Why are you watching CSI Miami? In your rearview mirror. it's the fucking weirdest thing maybe one day we get to fucking Douglas Thax Douglas another

a weirder story that's a weirder story we're not going to get to but this guy so after the third time I had look at this random people the guy just it's like oh wait oh you have the password to my hard drive i wasn't looking at nothing he sped off i wonder why he left because the show wasn't over you're watching his tv through the window of the best madman bar.

All right. Did we kill it? I don't know. We're at the 12-hour mark on this podcast. There's a lot of shit, but we'll leave the negative alone. Okay, I'll shut up then. We did that sober podcast early, and it was just, fuck that guy. The green shirt guy, fuck him. Yeah, whenever we should be like we're sober, and then we're just such pricks.

Hey, if you were at a show on this tour, and some fucking new owner chased you down when you were in a blackout drunk because he wouldn't just let you fucking leave. He needed to take your keys and chase you three blocks and tase you and then come back and tell Chaley and I different stories. I would love to hear from you because I think maybe that guy was a prick. All right. I got a couple of plugs. If you ask to see somebody's penis, that doesn't mean you should suckle it.

And if you're going to give out drugs, label them. Okay. And I'll be in Honeybone somewhere. I hope. This was Madison as well. Chaley comes out. We're doing mobile green room where we go, fuck the green room. That's black mold.

And ask anyone who knows me. If I'm afraid for my health, it's a problem. But there was some flooding issues in the basement green room. I'm kind of the parakeet. The canary in my coal mine. Like I started gagging, puking, and that means there's black death. It was uncontrollable. You could not stop.

Yeah. Even when you went back up above ground. Yeah, that was bad. This night, there was... We're doing... Mobile green room means we sit in the van by a fire exit rather than be in the green room where I can't smoke or Andy can't control his gag reflex.

So we're sitting out there drinking and smoking in the van and Chaley says, Listen, there's a couple that came to the show. You're going to notice them because they stick out like a sore thumb. This is kind of a punk rock-y club. And this... Fuck it, let's say elderly.

They're not listening. Oxygenarians, I'd say. Old fucking people. Well, Chaley had found out when he sat them, or had them sat, or someone sat them, that their son had bought them tickets because he's living in africa but he wanted an autograph so he sent his parents like fucking point men in vietnam in a hot fucking zone

and he you told me that and i didn't see them because the lights from stage but at some point in the set i remembered you told me and i'm looking for it and then i saw them and i go oh you must be that kid's parents and i fucked with them because when you fuck with people that are it's it's it's a def jam thing oh we got white people here oh white people you probably feel out of sort and they go ah and everyone oh they're talking about me i don't i no longer feel like i will be killed because they're talking about me and that's what I did to them. The kid emailed me. Oh, he did? Yeah, yeah. Oh, awesome.

He's in Kenya, Africa, studying biology virus, plant viruses or something. He said it sucks, but he loves black women with big asses, but he can't wait to get home. But thank you for fucking with my parents. And I hate it here. He said, what exactly did you say to my parents? Because they're kind of, he didn't say brain dead. But they're old. He had earplugs in the whole time. He said, my mother was really amused.

But my dad, not so much. Not a smile the whole time. He looked like Mike Pence. I remember saying that about him. With better hair. He had thick hair. Either way. Matinee idol.

He asked me what I said. I said, I don't remember. I'll bring it up on the podcast and hope someone else remembers. That wasn't his mom that I met tonight. That'd be awkward all right i gotta go put salve on my uh rug burns on my knees from wrestling chaley on the last night yeah i thought we started with that i mentioned it we never well when i was coming down from my lsd i started with it that's true brushed over and i don't know i mean i'm i don't know how it started but greg was on the uh was in the wrestling mat zone and then doug leaped off

his bed like a superhero that was aged he lungeded at me. Yeah, he lunged at me. I was only wearing underpants and a t-shirt. Chaley was fully dressed. I tried to toe bar that cocksucker. Right before I started this tour, my dog was attacked by two bigger dogs. No, don't you know. You're not doing it. You're not doing it.

But one nudged him, and then the other attacked him. The first gig was in champaign illinois and andy tries to riff a bit and he andy has bits he's done for 20 years he can't quite get right but he can make them funny yeah but that night he tried to do a new bit and he dropped the fucking n-bomb five times in the first night of the tour. Four times in five minutes. It's like trying to fix a gunshot wound with another gunshot. Yeah. You just kept going, and no one knows what you're talking about.

No one was following. I go, oh, this is going to set the tone. I was talking about my dog. I told my dog anyway. Hey, here thing i'm we're not going to talk about is the fucking dude that got drug out of the fucking decalb show for filming where i wouldn't do the last sentence of my show and i go oh we did this in oklahoma city to a chick that was just a heckler but this dude was filming and and I go, I'm not doing the fucking last sentence.

The OKC thing was... Let's just kill it. I'm tired of talking about it. I'll tell it to Bert Kreischer. Mark this. If we can ever get him on a podcast again, you guys should talk about it. You know what would help us if you didn't

travel with all the fucking hippies you know it's like a gypsy carnival it's a bunch of fucking dope close this out already we're done we're done take a piss yeah we're done and you don't have to edit so you can just put this out right now okay

just put it out right now it's already done they're listening right now you know what you're gonna he's gonna close out to just the end of the podcast rather than, oh, I'm going to stay up for five hours and figure out how to put fucking Bird Cloud. Bird Cloud and Mitchka are out of the country. And you know what? You don't need people to leave this country.

It's America. Bye. And let me just plug Andy Anderson, who's the character we were talking about, not really me.