The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #223: SwapCast with Bert Kreischer in Denver, CO

Episode Date: September 6, 2017

Bert hooks up a road SwapCast at the home of Wende Curtis, owner of the Comedy Works in Denver. An epic night of booze, steaks and talking about the road.Recorded Aug 30th, 2017 at Wende's beautiful home in Denver, CO with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Bert Kreischer (@BertKreischer), Wende (@ComedyWorks), Andy Andrist (@AndyAndrist), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), & Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Bert & ChailleThis episode is sponsored byMVMT Watches - Get 15% off today —with Free shipping and Free returns —by going to MVMT.com/StanhopeProFlowers.com - To get 20% off any bouquet of $29 or more, go to ProFlowers.com, and use the promo code “STANHOPE” at checkout.More Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List.Closing song, "Party Time”, by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes.LINKS:Chad Shank Voice Over info at AudioShank.comSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, this podcast coming out right now, you can listen to Bert Kreischer's elongated description of it, which would inevitably lead to an 18-minute read of Nails Plus or something. No, really, honestly, yeah, fake fingernails have made my family complete. We click them around at each other when we high five. No, hang on. I have a long story. Bert Kreischer is the authentic article to a fault. Yeah, this is a swap cast Kreischer and I did.

Bert Kreischer is my newest friend ever. I love Bert Kreischer. Bert Kreischer makes me feel funny and alive. And I want to eat his heart to steal his joie de vivre. And his podcast is sponsored by who? Let's just rattle him off. I didn't hear him. No, he loves everything. He loves everything.

He loves everything but ticket sales in Singapore. If you're in Singapore, go see Bert Kreischer. We're putting in our sponsors. What? Oh, our sponsors? Oh, Movement Watches. He doesn't have one of those. Pro Flowers.

Does he have Pro Flowers? Who's he going to send them to? Everyone? Because he loves everybody. He's happy to, everyone's his favorite, the best in the world. You know what? You have the best thing ever.

He's a king of superlatives. So send flowers to everyone that you think is the best in their field. All right, here's us. It's really, this is a fucking great swap guest. Well, talk back to me. Oh, you don't have a mic. Wendy. It's my Wendy. Oh yeah, Wendy Curtis.

Well, we explained that in the podcast. I'm not going to do what Bert Kreischer does and tell you what's coming up in the podcast so you don't have to hear the podcast. Yeah, during it we discuss how Wendy doesn't hate me after all. Yes. Wendy Curtis was a fantastic hostess.

Owns the comedy works in Denver that I always shit on. Because I played it once and I thought they hated me. So I fucking hated it. Until she was the perfect host. And we showed up. With a posse. We showed up. With it. We showed up with a posse. We showed up with Andy.

Inman actually showed up at some point, which leads to the next podcast you're going to hear. Oh, God. Andy and Inman. Oh, they fucked up. Mostly Inman. And Joby and Chad Shank and Jenny, I showed up like we come into her beautiful house poolside at this King Arthur round table, long 10 seat table set up perfectly for smoking and drinking and podcasting outdoors in Denver. And I got my own cook and my own bartender. Tracy's slinging drinks Joby's in there grilling cutting steaks

like no you just relax don't worry we brought our own service industry to your house it was so fucking fantastic not to mention a co-host a producer and Bert Kreischer, who I love and adore. If you're in Singapore, go see Bert Kreischer.

Here's the Swapcast. You want to sit next to me? Chaley, you want to sit next to me and just look at it? Come on in. Come on in. Come on in. Yeah. We're recording right now, by the way. And this is what I love about my podcast is that I love the authenticity of when it starts.

Do you like that? You guys are connoisseurs of my podcast, correct? Well, yeah, we are. You start with the – yeah, you start – you do an intro to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't do that. Doug loves that, though. I never listen to my podcast because Chaley edits them.

But what we do is we start, record right away, and then at whatever point – Your podcast is – but you guys have a lot more legwork behind your podcast. You guys do breaks, and then you take a break. I'm all by myself, so I just do mine straight. What do you think of the level, Shaylee? Well, a lot of our breaks are fake. Shaylee goes, oh, yeah, we were supposed to do a read on this one. So then we do a fake break.

Okay, Shaylee says, okay, say, oh, we'll be right back. And then we can put the read that we did two days later into it. And then we got to get on a regular schedule. Look at Shaylee just so working. I need someone. Chad, you need Chad to talk. I'm talking right now. You're number two.

Okay, yeah, I'll check it out. Okay. Okay, yeah, you need to be up more than what you had. Okay, Chad, give me a level. So those breaks are fake because I pee during those. I've been in those breaks. Okay, Chad, give me a level. So those breaks are fake? Because I pee during those. I've been in those breaks. Oh, no, we have real breaks, but sometimes we actually fake a break.

This is so many things. Chaley overworks our podcast so much. Your podcast sounds great. By the way, I love pod calling. Do you like it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just listening to that on the plane here to see what you guys

are talking about. Yeah, it's fucking great. Yeah, podcalling's great. Well, I thought it would be annoying after I... I never thought that how many people on Twitter... Like, one person is all it takes. Yeah. But then you're gonna get this same repeated tweet. Hey, Doug Stanhope's

podcalling you. Like, I can imagine Mad Flavor going, but then you're going to get this same repeated hey Doug Stanhope's pod calling you like I can imagine mad flavor going what is with all these Joey's the last guy you want to pod call because he'll be like Doug what the hell what's going on like you know what we did Joey and I were on Joey's podcast and got

probably I didn't eat edibles but probably the highest I've ever been around a human being and we started telling a story about Ralphie Mae. By the way, this is not a pod call, so no one tell Ralphie about this. Yeah. Can you just keep this away from Ralphie? One time, he came into my podcast with Joey, and he fell asleep in the middle of it.

Wait, who did? Ralphie or Joey? Ralphie. Both of them at different times. Ralphie. We're working shifts. That's a lot of sleep at me in one room. My favorite is when Ralphie falls asleep.

Because Joey's in the middle of telling a story. Ralphie falls asleep. And Joey is still telling a story. He's like, look at me going, the fuck? But he's still telling his story. And then Ralphie got up and fell on one of Isla's one of the girls' chairs and just destroyed it. But Joey

told the story wrong, but I wasn't going to correct him. He was like, yeah, he fell in a fucking dollhouse and demolished it. And so I was like, yeah. Like Godzilla? Yeah, Ralphie texted me. He's like, dude, do I owe you a dollhouse? Oh. Oh. Wendy, do you play Ralphie?

Yeah. We're at... Right now, we're at Wendy's house. Wendy owns... Wendy Curtis. She owns the Comedy Works. Hiya. So, Wendy, let's start with the idea.

Why do you hate me so much? There we go. I don't hate you. Oh, my God. It breaks my heart to think that you think that I hate you. I don't... I think... I don't even know if I actually met you. I thought the only time I worked at Comedy Works, I thought you were out of town.

I don't even remember. It was so long ago. Well, yeah, I don't think you were there. That's why you wouldn't remember. Right. So then how could I hate you? Or you might have been there the first night. I think you were there the first night, not for the rest of the week.

I remember you had some retired cop that works security. Yeah. It was the last night, and I flicked him some shit, just jokingly. And he stopped me at the end of the show, after everyone's gone, and said, don't you ever make me look, put me in that position again. It was just so minor. Right. I just, I never got booked back.

So I assumed you hated me. Well, and you know, it could be such that for whatever reason, you didn't get booked back. But then it happens that. I suck too. I didn't have a good week. I don't know about that. But obviously you have a name.

And because I thought that you were just doing small theaters and rock and roll clubs and things like that. Oh, no. Back then I was pretty weak. What year is this? I was a strong horse in a weak field. But here, I don't know if you still do it. Comedy Works has always rotated out local headliners as your opening act. Right.

And so it's a different guy every night, every show. You don't know who you're following. And I didn't have the chops to deal with, all right, this guy just blew it away in a different way than the guy on the first show blew it away. And how do I adapt? All my hosts this weekend all fucking destroyed. And I was watching Frank Castillo's going all fucking destroyed. And I was like,

and I was watching Frank Castillo's going up after him and he'd call me in the green room and he goes, they're fucking lighting it on fire out there. Yeah. So wait, so what,

so did you know Joey Diaz? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Way back when. Boss? When he was a new talent guy. Do you love Joey?

Do you miss Joey? I love Joey now. He was a pain in my ass back then. Wait, give me an old school Joey Diaz story. He was just Joey. That's who he was. He was always that guy.

He was always that guy. See, I met Joey and Joe after when they became new people. I remember even Joey telling me, he's like, dog, you don't remember Joey when he didn't smoke weed. He was against it. He used to fucking really hate weed and then i think you called you told me a story about joey we were like dude there was a very different joey than we all know right now uh what would you call him joey joey nichols oh that was that was that was mid knowing joey i met joey on a Tribble gig when he was a host, like the house emcee at the Joker Broker in Boulder, Colorado. I remember it because I had a driver's license from that gig address. I lived on the road for three years, so I didn't have a fixed address.

But I found out as my license was expiring, you get it the same day in Colorado. So I just used the address of the gig, went down there, and I had a Colorado license of the place that Joey was the once-a-week triple gig. Really? The first time he came in, he's like, I can't stay long. I got the push-me-pull-you flu. I don't know which end to aim at the wastebasket and which one to aim at the... Push me, pull you, flu.

Going out of both ends. It's so funny. The only Joey I know is the guy that I see at Fourth of July for the family parade with his daughter and his wife. And there's still a hint of the old Joey. And there's this mom, I don't know her name, she's

trying to be a periscope superstar, I guess. And so she's on Periscope. A what? Yeah, I don't know, man. It's the new YouTube superstar. Her name's Rice Rice Baby. She's Asian.

I'm not even joking. I'm not even joking. And she's Periscoping. And she's like, what's up, fam? she's like what's up fam um she's like she's like yeah i know it's a little yeah a little heartbreaking but uh i have a couple cocktails in me we're at a park she's got her periscope up she's got six viewers and i said hey you want to increase your viewership she's like yeah and so i share it with all my fans they start showing up i go hey guys let's look for joey diaz she goes who's joey diaz she's like she's brand friendly for whatever brand she has and then i bring her over to joey diaz

and he's sweating and he's like what's up cocksucker and and he takes over her periscope and it's fucking hilarious and then my my daughters come up they're like uncle joey and he's like what's up el diablo and they're, oh, that's Isla? And this poor woman's Periscope. I don't know her name. Rice Rice Baby, I think, is it. Wendy, what does your husband do for a living? Because I don't want to believe that you can build this kind of estate off owning a comedy club. He's not my husband.

Talk directly into the microphone. And he's my boyfriend. And he's only just now moving in. This is my house. Comedy built this. This is the house that comedy built. You give so many comics that are at our age false hope that you could make money

off of making a comedy club. No, no. You guys can make it faster than I can because I got 200 and some employees between the two clubs and the restaurant and all that. But every comic at a certain age considers, I should just get my own club. Do you know any comic that stopped and was successful making a comedy club? No.

I don't know a single one. No. I think that's such a rare thing that you've got both sides of that. I think there's some great comedians with a good business sense, but I think the minute that you start trying to blend that into a career, you're doomed. I think you're either a good comic or you're a shitty comic with a good business sense. I don't think you can be a good comic with a good business sense. No, I think there are some good comics with a good business sense. I don't think you can be a good comic with a good business sense. No, I think there are some good comics with a good business sense.

But I don't think they have any business owning a comedy club. Business of comedy but not business of business. Exactly. They have a good business sense. Who's the best business comic

you've ever worked with? The guy that's like, hey, let's increase the ticket sales to $32 and whatever. Well, I do think that Rogan is a pretty sharp business person at many different levels. Yeah.

And I think that... What about Bill Burr? You know, I don't know that side of him enough to know that. I love Bill Burr, though. I love Bill Burr. When you give him the check at the end of the week, does he look at it you give him the check at the end of the week, does he look at it? I don't remember.

Like, I always wonder, like, if Bill, like, is, like, I get ticket counts, and I stress about ticket counts. And, like, I said something to Bill one time. He's like, dude, they sell out. And I was like, oh, there's two types of comics. There's comics that worry about ticket counts and comics that don't. Segura, by the way, stopped worrying about ticket counts. Oh, then I guess I'm a third transgendered kind of comic. Why?

What are you? I don't care at all. But there's comics that don't look at ticket counts, that don't sell ticket counts. Burr sells out. Segura sells out. So they don't have to be concerned about it anymore. But I'm sure they did at one point. And you're sold out.

Aren't you sold out tomorrow night? Tomorrow, yeah. But we just got done this run of half shitholes in the Midwest. Yeah, I sold out 88 seats in Duluth. Yeah, but who cares in Duluth, right? I know. It's an 88-seater. I like playing some dank places where I don't feel any compulsion to...

It's probably... I don't know what the word is. Sometimes I like going to a shithole where I go, hey, the onus is on them. If I do poorly here, I don't give a shit. I don't have what the word is. Sometimes I like going to a shithole where I go, hey, the onus is on them. If I do poorly here, I don't give a shit. I don't have to go back. I don't have an open mic where I live. So I just go out on the road.

I saw a bad idea. You play places. They really appreciate you coming. And if they don't know you, some of these places had no fucking idea who I was. And it's 140 seater. You just get it half full. But I don't care. I'm trying to work shit out, and I have fun there. I I was. It's a 140-seater. You just get it half full. But I don't care. I'm trying to work shit out, and I have fun there.

I don't care about Singapore. Well, not now that you can't sell a sling. Sold 200 seats to a 650-seater. I was going to do a video because I do videos to promote my dates, Wendy. I was going to do a video and go, hey, guys, this video is for just those people who bought tickets. I want to thank you, and I need you each to bring three more friends to my show. If you're finding out that I'm playing Singapore, this video isn't for you. This is for people who already know I'm there.

I was going to ask you, a comic, the fatal flaw in a comic trying to run a comedy club would be he's going to book people he likes, not people people like. Well, Andy thinks he's funny. I mean, I worked for, I helped these people in New York City do this club, and that was the deal. Are you talking about Vinnie Brand? No. It was comics. C-O-M-I-X. Comics in the Meatpacking District. They opened in 2007 and they were open for five years.

Steve Hofstetter. No, it wasn't. I did comics. It was... Oh, comics. The comics. I did that. Gina Savage was booking it at a time. Yeah, it had like 14 different bookers. But I consulted on that club, designed the club, etc, cetera, for three years.

I was one of the comics that helped bury it. Me too. I got five grand for a weekend when I wasn't getting three anywhere else. But one of the owners wanted to be a comic. And he was doing bringer dates at Caroline's. And he thought he was funny. And it's just this yeah, it just, it's just this weird,

it's a weird vibe. It's a, it's a totally weird vibe. I got one. Who's a comic that you book because it's your own taste. Oh, you go. I, if I didn't love this,

it probably wouldn't be the best business decision. I'm looking over at my team because some of them are here. My team. What's your name? Jeffrey. Jeffrey, you're the only guy I haven't met yet. I remember you from a gazillion years ago. What's that?

I remember you from a gazillion years ago downtown. Yeah. I have a picture. Back when I hated you. Let's not get off topic. Yo, wait. I'm curious. I want to know.

I don't know. Who would it be, you guys? Some people that you go, I just love watching this person. There's so many. Did you love watching Attell? Yeah. I mean, there's- Someone who doesn't necessarily sell out.

When you could have booked someone who would have sold out, but you go, I just love this person. Well, I mean, like Attell, when he did like Sk skanks for the memories, he wasn't selling out back then. Wait, he wasn't. So when he recorded skanks, was it? I don't think so. Skanks is post insomniac. No, no, no.

No, it's pre insomniac. It's pre. Yeah. And he did another one. Right. He did another one like a year later after Skanks at the club again. Maybe it was two years later that he ended up not putting out. Oh, that's the one I probably like the most.

I think he has at least three different ones he wouldn't put out. I know he edited one for like two years and then decided not to put it out. And you know it's the best shit ever. He was brilliant to watch way back then. And honestly, Chappelle, like years ago, 20 plus years ago,

I worked for Montreal for a couple of summers because I knew everybody. And Chappelle was like 22 maybe or something. In his 10th year everybody. And he was like, Chappelle was like 22 maybe or something. In his 10th year of comedy. He was like, and I didn't really know who he was 20 plus years ago. I hadn't seen him live.

And it was just like, you might as well have dropped me in this theater with this guy in this pool of light. With a stool and a microphone and an ashtray and a lot of fucking smoke. But, you know, that was, I mean, that was, you didn't even have to like comedy and you knew that there was something about that guy. Yeah. That was amazing. Is there anyone you take credit for breaking?

No. No. Like internally at night, like if it wasn't for breaking? No. No. Like internally at night, like if it wasn't for me. No. Did you ever have a guy turn on you and won't work your club that you go,

I booked you when you were shit. No. No, you won't work my club. You know, I feel like I've always felt like my position about all of this is simply to create a platform to control all of the elements,

like the bugs that we hear. No, this is perfect ambient noise. By the way, let's describe that we're in the back pool of, I don't know. It's the backyard of my very gay home. I love it. I'm a gay man in a woman's body, and it's very Bellagio meets, I don't know. I'd say I'm bald. But I can still see skyscrapers right there, even though the sound of it's not cicadas,

but bugs. Yeah. Yeah. This is just beautiful out here. It's like gurgling water from the pool. And the homeless people stay in the park across the street. Oh, cool. Yeah. So it's like-

She laughs at him every morning, writes jokes about him. No, I do not. I take him food and Ted doesn't know. Oh, I had problems with my homeless people. Do you know where the ice is? Sorry, we bring our own bartender. The ice is right the first cabinet right there. So did you ever see a comic that came on the road and you're like, it's a matter of time before he's dead?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. How many times were you right? Because we have a death pool and Joe B. that runs it. And tell us who's up next. Well, I mean, there's people, you know, now I don't want to talk about

who they are. Not local. Let's not go local. What did you say? Did you say local? What are you saying? What is she mouthing? Does anyone know she's mouthing? But yeah, there's people that you just know it's a matter of time. Todd Glass?

Todd Glass. Why did he say that? Todd just came to the club the other night. He's looking bad. This is hard, I think. What? I'm just kidding. By the way, that's not a pod call.

No one has called Todd. Todd was in town. There was a festival this weekend. Yeah. And so Todd was in town. He wanted to come by the club, but he came early. We had to go to dinner, and I never ended up catching up with him. Did you have Geraldo in here before he died?

Yeah. Yeah. He was one of my favorites to watch. Wow. Wow. Never saw him live, but I listened to his disc and loved it. Yeah. He was one of my favorites to watch. Wow. Wow. Never saw him live, but I listened to his disc and loved it. Amazing. He was just so intelligent.

He's got... His stories of partying were my favorite. We talked about this. Did we? Yeah, we did. About the time he got in the limo. Did I tell you about this? I don't remember anything.

I don't remember this morning. He, he, uh, he, one of my favorite things about comics is I like, I don't know, I don't like, uh, I'm not a fan of comics who have it all together. Like, uh, like. Yeah, give me an example. I'll give you an example. I was going to say, you've known comics that have it all together? Like John Mulaney.

I love John Mulaney, but I'll tell you why I like John Mulaney. Not because of who he is today. Who he is today is like this organized, button-down professor comic who writes his jokes probably on a tablet and then flips through the tablet before he goes on. So I'm not shitting on John Mulaney. I'm just saying that he just seems like he's got his shit together. The reason I like John Mulaney is in college he was addicted to Coke

and couldn't stop listening to Steely Dan. So I go, oh, you're cool. I get you got your shit together. That's cool. But you got part of the broken toys in your head. I like that. But I don't like the comics that – that's why I say I don't believe in good businessmen, good comics,

because I don't enjoy in good businessmen, good comics, because I don't enjoy people who I feel like... Like, one of my favorite things about Doug is when I found out Doug writes his material. I was like, wait, I remember watching you going, oh, this is all off the top of his head. And you were like, yeah, it might seem like that. Oh, okay. Yeah, I get that.

And then I was like, oh, shit, this is well-crafted. Well, that's... I don't know, Wendy, if you ever had to deal with Rick Shapiro. Oh, I love Rick Shapiro. But I was, he's so good at that that I really thought, at that point, a seasoned professional really thought it was all off the top of his head. And then you work with him twice, and then you see him a third time, and you you go when's the last time you really did suck a dick for heroin and he goes like 20 years ago and you go yeah you should suck a more recent dick if you're gonna keep putting that into a bit like it's off the top like i just thought of this

is like it happened this morning i heard him on opiate anthony one time have you ever had rick shapiro in here no i heard him no i don think so. He was talking about sucking dick for heroin and he was like, and he just was, it was so conversational in a room of guys that are not cool with dudes sucking dicks.

Wow. And he was, except for, save a few, but he was like, The quiet ones. He was like, he was like,

ah, they were like, did you do it? He was like, I was so bad. Halfway, I was doing it like the game Operation. I was like, ah, they're like, did you do it? He's like, I was so bad. Halfway. I was doing it like the game operation. I was just trying not to touch the sides.

And halfway through, the guy's like, you're worse than my wife. I'll just do you. So I let him suck my dick. I was like, oh, my God. If I had had that life experience, I mean, I guess I could get it. This guy is crazy. James Inman, who will be here in a little while, probably after the podcast is over. He's crazy like that, but crazy talented, too.

But also a schemey kind of guy. Yeah. And everyone was telling me he's a New York guy, and I rarely go to New York. I hate New York, but they always told me, oh, you'll love Rick Shapiro. And he was going to do a guest set at some small ramshackle for a minute club. I was doing bar. In New York? Yeah, in New York.

And they say he's stuck in traffic. He's not going to be here in time for the guest set. So I went up and I said, listen, this guy that I keep hearing about said he's not going to be here in time, but I'm going to start my set. And when he shows up, I'm going to put him up to do a guest set. And then I'll come back because I really want to see this guy. I heard so much about him. He went up and did an hour and 45 minute guest set.

Well, in the middle of my set. And I was rolling. And they're like, should we give him the light? Should we give him the hook? Like, no, no. No. I was calling Bingo, my girlfriend, going, this guy's fucking crazy funny. He's hilarious.

He's not even on my radar. Yeah, well, I don't think. That's what happened. I called Dave Attell after that, and he goes, don't buy the Kool-Aid. I saw it. It turned into multiple problems after that. I used to book a club up in... I love the way that just trickled off. It turned into multiple problems after that.

I was booking a club up in Anchorage. When I met Doug was when I booked a club up in Anchorage, and I booked it throughout the years. I just stopped in 2013 when I started working for Doug full-time. I worked at a club. Yes. We had fun. You booked me way before Wendy would book me. Yeah.

I take chances. I take chances. So I remember one time, this was a while ago, we were at Bisbee, and I was looking to fill a week, and Doug said, book Rick Shapiro. And I said, wow. Like I said, multiple problems. If Doug says book him, we booked him.

And he did the Tuesday night. And it was almost a fire hazard, the rush to the door. I mean, it was insane. And I wasn't up there because I was with Doug on the road. And Duran, the general manager of the club, we had three stages. This was just a fill-in just to get people in there until 10 o'clock, and then we got bands going on all night. It's a crazy place. And he lets him go on Tuesday night, and then he goes, look, I'm going to pay you, and you

can stay in the hotel room, but this isn't a good fit. But paid him for the full week, paid him for the full week, and said, if you want to leave now, you can leave now. Or you can hang out. We didn't know. They'd already kicked him out of the hotel for smoking. And I go, why did they kick him out? And Duran goes, well, he was smoking. And they go, you put him in a hotel?

We've got shitty band houses that he's used to. He's like, no, we put him in the thing. That's a bat's on you. So's like, well, no, we put them in the thing. That's a bats on you. So you got to pay the two 50 or whatever. And yeah. And he goes, he goes, I'll just,

I'll just, I'll get the, I'll leave. And they paid to fly him out of there. It was a, it was a, it was a graceful exit, but honestly it was one of those things where,

where it's, it's not for everyone. There's a few comics that are too much problem to book, where you go, I know you're going to kill on stage. He did not in this case. It wasn't his fault. First of all, it wasn't his fault. In Anchorage, I am legendary for –

Chaley, when he booked it, I would say, you've got to book this person, you've got to book this person. And I had the worst batting average in recommendation history. Martha Kelly, who's brilliant from Baskets. You know Martha? She opened for me in the rowdiest stand-up crowd. Austin? Yeah, in Austin. 700 people standing.

Bikers up front in colors. And destroyed. And she's late. That's one of her things. She's always late for the gig. And really, these people are going, I'm walking from my car right now. I couldn't find parking.

Rick Shapiro is like, he's like, imagine if if what's the girl's name? Shit. By the way, this is my favorite part of the podcast, is when you're listening to it, and someone goes, what's the girl's name who does the voices? Maria Bamford. I was going to say Bamford, but when you said that, Chaley is, we've BurtCast binged on this tour over and over just at least 17 hours of Burt cast. And I'm like, I was going to say, Chaley is your co-host every time we listen because he's answering those questions. Chaley's yelling at the radio. Maria Bamford did not have friends and family.

That's Rick Shapiro. Yeah. She took a bent towards the homeless. Like, yeah, Rick is... I've run into him a couple times. Every time I run into him, we're like Eskimo brothers, because we share a certain person. Is that like Irish twins? No, Eskimo brothers is when you fuck the same person. Eskimo cousins, right?

It's when you both fuck the same person. But in comedy, Eskimo brothers is when the same person stole a joke from you. Oh, I think then me and Andy are inbred because we've been to Eskimo cousins a lot of times. They're Siamese twins that have been separated. Oh, okay. That's a joke I've never been able to work into a bit. Twins are always so cute. You ever notice that?

Unless they're conjoined, huh? Yeah. I've never been able to work that into a bit. Twins are always so cute. You ever notice that? Unless they're conjoined, huh? I've never been able to work that into a bit. By the way, what was the water fountain bit I told you guys about segregation? A long time ago, everyone's like, you gotta tell it in your act. And I just still can't find a way to get it in my act.

Tell us the joke. I do remember, but I don't remember. I don't remember how I said it on the podcast, to be honest with you. I just came up with it on stage. You know who I feel bad for at the end of Segregation? The guy who made Waterfowl. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was selling them two at a time, and they just cut his business in half.

Yeah, that's Bubblers, yeah. What kind of comedy do you like, Wendy? I like it all. I like, well, that's, I like it all. What did you think about my set? Let's dissect my set. You just did a week here, right? I just that. Well, that's... I like it all. What did you think about my set? Let's dissect my set. You just did a week here, right? I just did.

He did three nights, three off nights, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday that he sold out. Sold them out, whatever. Two shows a night. Sold them out, whatever. I don't know how you do two shows a night. That's impossible when I hear you talk about that. Can I tell you? I really think if Doug can do this, I can do this.

I have... I never got the shakes before until the last trip to Bisbee. I was saving this story for you, but go ahead. I've heard you tell this story. The last trip to Bisbee broke me. This trip. It was so bad. I almost put us all in the drink going across the Mississippi.

That means dead. We weren't going to go off into the soft shoulder. We were going to go off a bridge. The going across the Mississippi. That means dead. We weren't going to go off into the soft shoulder. We were going to go off a bridge 80 feet down. I get vertigo a little bit, but the alcohol nerves now, and we're doing a 12-hour drive from Columbus to Kansas City. Oh, yeah, now it's fine. Now I'm perfect. And I'd just done about 350 miles.

And I'd take over and I'd take an Adderall and drank two cups of coffee. I won't even drink caffeinated coffee now because my alcohol nerves are so bad. It was slow release. And then I get vertigo. If I get a little bit nervous when I'm sober, I'm a lot

nervous. Dude, I can't fuck with coffee right now. And Doug doesn't drink coffee anymore. So I took a time-release Adderall to drive 12 hours, go across the Mississippi. I'm on a bridge, even though it's a short bridge. And I started shaking so badly. I went into a panic attack where I don't know that I can control the car that bad. And then it's endless. Like this bridge, it's not stopping.

The one with the grate. So even if you look down, it's not cementing. I had to make Chaley take the wheel and hope my foot could stay. I have my headphones in because I'm trying to edit a podcast to get it out. And I'm just sitting there and I catch his hand moving so rapidly that I'm like, what the fuck? I pull the thing out, and he goes, grab the wheel. I pull the headband thing out, and I'm like, what the fuck?

And he goes, grab the wheel. And I'm holding it going, what the fuck is going on? Panic attack. Panic attack. Yeah. Should have taken Xanax. It should have gone the other way. It should have gone the other way.

I've been there so many mornings where I go, I should have just taken a Xanax when I woke up and been done with it. Gone right back to bed. But that night in the rape trailer was... Hold on. Hold on. Explain that. Rape trailer.

Some of the audience wants to know what the... We have a destitute version of this. So one of the things my wife loves, and she says this all the time. It's the reason I'm here tonight. By the way, I got to talk to you about this. We'll have to talk about the air, but don't tease people and go oh, I want to tell you.

So Leanne wants you to tell the girls there's no Santa. Oh my God. Only if we videotape it. I'll fly to LA for that Oh my god Cause George and I Still believe in Santa

And uh She's like 26 now I think And Leanne's like We gotta tell them Like George is 13 And then I said

I don't I don't wanna See the look in their eyes It's gonna break my heart She goes Well maybe we'll have One of our friends Like tell them

And I said I said I don't Who And then she goes You know we should have one of our friends like tell them and i said i said i don't know who and she and then she goes you know we should just have doug fly out and just sit him down in their room like the wolf you know light a cigarette go you're gonna find a lot of shit you're not gonna want to hear we're gonna start with the tooth fairy georgia wrote a letter to the Tooth Fairy the other day going like, hey, I list. In calligraphy. And so.

Full grown up team believe in the Tooth Fairy. Our legs crossed. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Can I tell this story, Chad? Oh, shit. We're still recording? Sorry, Chad. I remember, Chad, I remember, so we were in Bisbee, and I remember talking to Chad, and

his kids were off to the side. By the way, I'll edit this out. I won't edit this out because I don't edit things, but let me know if you really don't want me to say this, and I'll edit it out, but I don't want to. But we were sitting in the funhouse. Chad never wants anything edited out. We were sitting in the funhouse, and I go, Chad, I can't believe you let your kids smoke. And his kids are right next to him smoking cigarettes.

And he goes, yeah? And then he leans down and does a line of coke, and I go, never mind. can't believe you let your kids smoke. And his kids are right next to him smoking cigarettes. And he goes, yeah? And then he leans down and does a line of coke and I go, never mind. I can't believe I brought that up. What I actually said was did you not see me do a bump with my kids earlier? My kids are grown. Hysterically.

How do our levels look? Good? But what I was going to say what I was going to say was that Doug's got a rape trailer that is actually extremely comfortable it's a trailer it's a fake vintage trailer like a old

it's a Shasta teardrop shaped small and we put it up there just for the confused looks are not going away he has a rape trailer and still nobody's explained what that is we just had it up there just for... The confused looks are not going away. He has a rape trailer and still nobody has explained what that is. We just had it up there. And so I spent the night. I went out.

My wife says to me at times because I don't... I have friends, but I don't have any friends really. It seems like I have a hard time. I don't trust people. And I feel like I bother people but there's like a handful of people I really know that I'm not bothering

that I like to spend. Ari Shafir is one of them. My wife always says, Ari called my wife and said, hey, Bert should come to Calgary with me. I'm going to Stampede. He needs some time around friends because I just work. I'll just work. And so Liam was like, you should go to Calgary with Ari. One time I was like, hey, I'm on the road. I was thinking about swinging by Bisbee and she's like, you should go to Calgary with Ari. One time I was like, hey, I'm on the road. I was thinking about swinging by Bisbee.

And she's like, you should go to Bisbee and spend the weekend with Doug and relax. Have fun. Like, be able to be around someone, you know. It's like I don't have any hobbies either. And so she says. Hang on. This reminds me. We have to get into that 90-day thing.

But Jaylee will write it down. But go, go. So I don't know where I was. I don't know how I got there, though. Oh, Doug says, hey, let's do a live podcast. I've been on the road hard. And Leanne's like, you know what? You're just doing one-nighters in Vegas and whatnot.

Just get on a plane, go to Vegas, and spend the weekend with Doug. Like take an extra day. Yeah, go to Tucson. Bisbee. And go to Bis, and spend the weekend with Doug. Like, take an extra day. Yeah, go to Tucson. Bisbee. And go to Bisbee and spend, like, an extra day with Doug. And I was like, really? She goes, do the show, but then spend Sunday with him, and then come home Monday.

Like, relax. So I was like, great. I partied really hard the whole week, and then I got to Bisbee, and we partied really hard. And then we woke up the next morning, and I literally pillow-to-mouth champagne. Like, it was... I got into the funhouse and they were like, champagne?

And I was like, okay. So I started drinking champagne. We went out in the pool. We played... That's where the Shaley Challenge came in. Oh, that's right. Oh, shit. I forgot all about that.

Yeah. Oh, dude, I saw it the other day that people were doing it. Yeah, still doing it. And we all played dead in the pool. We have an above-ground pool, Wendy. It was fun as shit. But Chaley, it's got a deck.

So Chaley did a naked cannonball, and Chad Shank took a perfect picture of him midair, pull that up, show her, and then on the Twitter they do the Chaley Challenge where they Photoshoposhop his naked cannonball going into every different thing or coming out of every orifice adorable it was great adorable it was funny shit everything was great until the sun set and then the vampires came out and i and i i went to bed too early was my mistake and then i woke up i woke up before the sun was up and bisbee just shaking like and doug's

like uh you need a smoothie in my head i was like can we find a clean bottle of whiskey because all the bottles of whiskey were like at the very last sip of them and i was like i could use a cocktail and so we had a we had a bottle of whiskey and did a silent drive from Bisbee to Tucson. I don't think we spoke at all. Me, Doug, and Brian. And again. And then I got to the airport. Wait, who drove?

You drove the whole way. You drove the whole way. Oh, shit. And then got to the airport. Go in. I take a shit. I come out to the bar. And they're like, you don't look good.

And I go, I just shit blood. And come out to the bar. They're like, you don't look good. I go, I just shit blood. Doug starts laughing hysterically. He goes, or was it beets that I put in the smoothie? I was like, oh, thank God. Oh, thank God. I was like, I totally thought I shit blood. I remember that. Yeah.

But I don't know where this was going. Oh, shakes. The boo was going. Oh, shakes. The booze shakes. Oh, the booze shakes. It was so bad that I called Dr. Drew, and you're the one who told me you actually talked to Dr. Drew about shit. Oh, all the time I talk to him about it. I'm talking to him. I talk to him.

Go ahead, and then I'll parallel into what we... Actually, I emailed him, but I've talked to him. Go ahead, and then I'll parallel into what we... Actually, I emailed him, but I've talked to him. I had some other issues that weren't about me that I actually reached out because you told me you talked to him. Yeah, I always call him. I ruptured a talk school, and I call him. He has been such an asset and an ally. Dude, he's the best. I have a book coming out that I write about

how I shit on him and he brought me on his podcast because of it and it's unrelated but I went back and listened to the bit that I did about him. That's like three specials ago and it's probably the most vicious personal attack I've ever made on anyone.

Oh, wait. I would agree with that. When I listened to it, I was like, oh, shit. I've been talking to him about other problems, and I knew I shit on him, but I didn't know how I imagined his death and

the most brutal ways and how he should be killed. Look at Wendy just shaking her head. Do you think maybe he hasn't listened to it either? Hey, when this started, you looked at Wendy. When I was talking about having the shakes that bad, you looked at Wendy, and Wendy has a story. No. What's your story, Wendy?

I don't have any story, but I love Dr. Drew. I love him. You can't imagine him. You don't drink booze at all, Wendy? Yeah, I do. When I do, it's like a half a bottle of tequila. You had a look of recognition where you know the story about someone else

when someone started talking about the show. Is that again? Yeah. Wait, I want to be a part of this. Can you just tell me what you're saying? I'll tell you later when we're not recording. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't care about that. All right. Now we're going to create a fake break during that swap cast and throw in our own things. That's it. That's my new watch. It'll be here in two days. All right.

It's called the Abyss abyss watch by movement mvmt.com mvmt a watch this is the only watch i would have as a sponsor because i am a minimalist time to me is when to get the fuck off stage i don't want flashy anyone who wears a rolex is a douchebag they have a fake personality they have an empty soul that they fill with name brands i like simple i like white on black doug just saying you like a big face for your weak eyes yeah no i like simple i don't like flashy absolutely you got you got a leather band and a big plain white face with a silver whatever they call them the metal around it the thing that or the same watch for most of my life, looked like this. Only this, it's got quality.

I don't have to buy a new one every eight months because it's a piece of shit. This is nice. It's got a white face, black band. Classic. There's no flash. If someone's going to rob me, they're going to steal my tie clip before my watch

what's interesting is movement watches start at just 95 dollars doug if you're trying to get laid with your watch this ain't gonna block you all right this is a good looking watch but it's not flashy. It's not bling. It's utilitarian. You don't have to keep the fucking tag on it so you know it's not a knockoff. Do they do that? Yeah, that's why the fucking thing. Why the hats, the flat black hat.

Exactly. I don't think that's the market. Well, if that's my market, stop listening. Three things, Doug. Classic design, quality construction, and styled minimalism. Exactly. Minimalism. We're kind of all about that.

Hey, they've sold over 1 million watches in over 160 countries. That's movementmvmt.com oh and the great thing about a movement watch is if uh you leave it behind in a hotel room somewhere in grand rapids housekeeping will ship it back to you for seven bucks if they find it is that what it was seven bucks seven dollars and six cents or something awesome yeah yep i don't think that has anything to do with movement but that has something to do with you and tracy had a giant big foot stopping beef about whose fault it was that you left your goddamn watch in a hotel but guess what it got back to us the issue was we had the same watch she likes to wear men's

watches and it's it's a it's a larger face right i mean yeah and uh i think as my eyes get more and more uh poorly functioning they know how to mark it to you right so uh i think she saw it on the on the bureau in between the beds and uh we left thinking she probably thought it was mine. I knew it was hers because mine was on my wrist. And we left. And so it was enough that we would call back and it would get shipped to us for $7.50. Movement has nothing to do with shipping, by the way. Yeah, the shitty watches I used to get that all looked the same.

I would have just gone to fucking Target and gotten another one for 11 and had to buy a new one six months later because it sucked if you go buy a movement watch you get 15 off with free shipping and free returns by going to mvmt.com slash stanhope and uh i'm gonna have to tell you this the date is always wrong if you don't uh care to figure out how to fix the date because i don't give a shit what the date is and so my date is always wrong i can fix that for you no no i use that as an excuse oh weren't we gonna have lunch on the 18th i'm sorry i never figured out how to fix the date on my movement watch wait is really the 24th i'm really late i'm so late but i'm on time movement watches movement watch wear uh wear a movement watch and dress like the real stars. Go to movementmvmt.com slash Stan Hope and join the movement.

Who's the last person we gave pro flowers to? That would be Evil E. We send it to Safeway. Oh, yes. But we've been gone the whole time, so we don't even know. We've been gone for so long. How long has this bullshit been going on? Pro Flowers, it keeps you in touch.

You know that person that you started a road trip, you go, oh, we'll just bust this month out, and then you come home and you don't remember any one of your friends? It's not even a month it's only 21 days this will be easy that's not well then you add three days coming in and out yeah you don't remember any one of your friends what you do is you just jot down addresses and you go just tell them i love them here and again with proflowers.com. Send someone proflowers.

Send someone you don't know. We just read the police beat. That'll be in an upcoming episode of the Doug Stano podcast when Chad Shank is here. Yeah, and I thought I saw there's a new cop that just got hired. Oh, really? Yeah, there's a it cop that just got hired. Oh, really? Yeah. It's the Bisbee Observer. They're desperate and thirsty for stories.

And still have a sense of humor. New cop gets hired. Yeah. He gets a profile. And I thought, why not send pro flowers to the new cop? And i thought nah that might seem a little bit you could say it's from the correctional institute yeah we could do that pro flowers would do that yeah actually doug you can actually pick any time in the future to send the flowers if you remember something like me i forget things at the moment but i remember things way in advance and then i

forget that's why i have a notebook to write things down. Pro Flowers does it for you. Day before Super Bowl. Yes. Send the new cup, a dozen roses, say thanks for stopping by eventually. Look for me. I'll be the one asking you to not shut us down

before 10 p.m. Yeah. We're not doing football this season. That's what we would have done in the years past. So ProFlowers has a really good thing like that. You can actually keep dates, and they'll remind you, a little tickler file, if you will, to remind you when someone's birthday is,

or an anniversary, or Super Bowl, or whatever. And that's all on ProFlowers.com. I always had that idea, and I'm sure a million people have done it, was to make greeting cards for bad events, bad choices. Hey, sorry about your abortion, but you can do that. Someone has an abortion,

send them ProFlowers. Someone gets a DUI, send them ProFlowers to the jailhouse. If they get rescinded or no way, sorry, they get sent back, then you have a beef. Well, give it a shot. You're going to brighten someone's day. Try it.

And you can customize your note that goes to the person. So it's all right there. On the website, you just go to ProFlowers.com, and don't forget to use promo code Stanhope. Hey, ProFlowers bouquets are guaranteed to stay fresh for at least seven days or your money back and you control the delivery date. Like I said before, you can do it way in advance or just a couple days in advance. You do send pro flowers in a very inappropriate manner to the guy that's now banging your wife and go, hey, better you than me. Yeah. That kind of thing. Please tell us about it so we can have really honest, fantastic reads for pro flowers.

reads for ProFlowers. Hey, ProFlowers wants to help you surprise someone for no reason at all while also surprising you with a special deal for Doug's listeners. Hey, you know what? Get 20% off any bouquet of $29 or more right now

by using the promo code Stanhope. ProFlowers.com Stanhope. You get it it but do it to somebody weird so we can promote this and make it a natural read that is funny people are suckers for flowers it never ends it just happened doug you said who do we send flowers to last and And I said, Evilly, and you lit up. It's fun. You should do it. To get 20% off any bouquet of $29 or more, go to proflowers.com and use my code, Stanhope. My secret code, Stanhope.

That's also my email password. I shouldn't have said that out loud. Use Stanhope at checkout. That's proflowers.com and code Stanhope. Don't wait to make someone's day. Click. Did you just hang up? No, I just said click.

I like biscuits and mustard. I also like the Doug Stanhope podcast. Mm-hmm. my website. Texas through Louisiana, Alabama, Florida, all the swamp states, all the hurricane states, all the flood water pants states. And what else am I pushing?

That's it. That's it? Alright. Now we're back to the Swapcast. See how quick that was? Brevity is key. So today, I text, Runner's World did an article on me. On you?

Thanks, Wendy. I'm sorry, do you run? And I'm on the cover of High Times Magazine. I apologize. I don't smoke weed. I moved the mic away from you before I said, what? I'm on the cover of High Times Times and you're in Runner's World. He's in Runner's World and I'm on the cover of High Times.

I don't smoke and he don't run. Oh, you do run. I do. I run. I get on the treadmill. I'm not that big of a runner. I just get on the treadmill. I try to do like.

That's walking. Yeah, I walk a lot. But I run at times. I walk really fast and so I sent an because I I talk about

Rogan Tom and Ari in this article so I sent them a link and if you're

listening to this right now you've already heard the episode so you already know what's going on I don't know what's going on yet because this is

this is taped Thursday and I'm going to release it next week but I'm doing Rogan Monday to talk about the bet. And then I said, hey guys, who wants to challenge me in a marathon? And then Seguro's, Ari's like, I go, who wants to make a bet?

And Ari said, I'll make a bet you'll be dead before 57. And I was like, ugh. You can do that at Doug Stand Up Celebrity Death Pool. Where's Jovi? And then

Rogan was like, Rogan was like, this is fake news. You're not in shape. And then I was like, I'm in great shape. And then Rogan's like, I'll make a bet you can't drink for 90 days.

All right. For my listeners, if you don't listen to the Bert Kreischer podcast, him and Tom Segura have a running thing who is fat, and they try to fat shame each other into shape. And then they were talking about doing some kind of decathlon. Yeah, we did a bet at one point. We did a bet of who could lose most weight. Tom won. I lost, and I lost my beard in the bet. on or we did yeah we did a bet at one point we did a bet of who could lose most weight tom won

i lost and i lost my beard in the bet and then and then joe's like let's do another bet he let's do another bet but we couldn't find anything that was really authentic you know like a bet should be authentic it shouldn't be like forced because then no one really has stakes in it so joe was like i bet you can't drink for 90 days I was like I can do that easy as fuck And he was like no you can't What's the wager? That is what we're figuring out Monday I did this once with Henry Phillips

We're both hard smokers And I bet him Alright we're going to do 30 days Whoever loses If you smoke before 30 days is up The first one to smoke Owes the other guy500, which back then was a week's pay as a featurette. And he smoked, and he really needed the money. Yeah.

And so I waited until two minutes before midnight of 30 days because we were working Minneapolis together and I just lit up a cigarette. I go, all right, we're even. Because I couldn't take his money. I've already thought of that. Because, first of all, I don't, like, I'm being dead serious when I say this. I don't want to quit drinking

in that I love booze. I love what booze does to my head. I love being buzzed. I love it. I fucking love it. Now, granted, I should, I granted, I probably drink too much, and I definitely may have quit drinking for 90 days. It's not a problem,

but there are these parts of your brain where you go, oh, wait, I can't do that. I'm doing the Impractical Jokers cruise. That's why when you told me about the 90-day thing, I said save it for the podcast because I don't want to quit drinking. You were talking about this on your podcast a few weeks ago about that guy that tried to sober up at 39. The actor from some vampire show, black guy that died.

He was an alcoholic. Sweet, sweet. That's what Joe texted me. He was like, hey, man, you should. But by the way, hold on. I'm not that bad. I can stop drinking. I'm not going to have a stroke.

That's what he was like. You should check out Amy Winehouse. When she stopped drinking, she died. And I was like, how much do you guys think I drink? I know how much I drink. Twice a day. But like, and definitely I have a program. When I don't drink,

I definitely... We work our way to unassisted sleeps in our house. Unassisted sleeps when you go to bed without drugs or alcohol. It happens after three days. A sleeping pill and then a Xanax for the first night, sleeping pill the next night.

Over the counter? No, no, no, no, no. Well, when you say sleeping pill, I do a Xanax. I'll do an OTC, Sominex, completely underrated. Sominex just over the counter shit. Yeah, that does a Xanax job if you're only using it to sleep. Really? Andy and I have been doing it.

Sominex is a double dose of Benadryl. Is it really? Yeah, I looked it up. It's just a two times Benadryl. But yeah, we got to find out what the wagers are, what the stakes are. Well, if death is the stake. First of all, I can't imagine. I've quit drinking before.

Do you know how much you drink in a night? Yeah. I wouldn't have no idea. I guess between 12 and 20 drinks. I know for a fact that I think that unless Tracy's pouring them, then it's more. I think the six drinks is nothing. By the way, this is not pod calling back to me. Like, I don't need this coming back to me and being like, God, Bert, I'm being honest right now.

to me. I don't need this coming back to me and being like, God, Burt. I'm being honest right now. But if I did a show, if I did last night and I'll have a drink for a show and I won't even finish it. I'd never drink on stage. That's the other part. We heard you talking about this. It's six drinks

and then I'm good to go on stage. Oh, no. See, I don't even... That's the elusive part of my career. Everyone thinks I'm this big boozer comic. But when I perform, I am stone fucking sober. I bring a... Mackenzie, you can attest. Mackenzie, come over here.

Will you just tell them how I drink? Because no one's ever going to believe me because they think I'm lying. Here. This is Mackenzie. She works over at Comedy Works. She's been with me all week. And the mic is very short, so... I mean, you had maybe three cocktails through two

shows maybe three and that's generous i get it i get a cocktail for the first show and i definitely by the way both monday and tuesday i drank that cocktail on the first show because i was losing my mind and my voice was shit and then i'll have a drink on the next show and then i'll have drinks throughout the night but for me to have six drinks i don't count that as drinking like i go like if i have like if i have six drinks i go that was a light night i'm going to bed i'm being healthy which is probably super unhealthy but but like but you go to doctors i go to the doctor every year and by the way i always time it on times when I'm not drinking, which is a cheat. Who was I with?

Who was I with? Who was I fucking with? Oh, this will make the story so much better. Wait, you go to doctors with someone else? Oh, it's with Bill Burr. And I go, we're at the store one night. And I go, he goes, hey, Bill's not a big boozer. But oddly enough, when I'm around him, he likes to have a cocktail.

I don't know why. He's like, sometimes I think he's lying. Sometimes when I would listen to Bill Burr say, yeah, I get a little buzzed. I have a few. I have a few Budweiser's. Yeah. How many is a few? I like to have a few drinks.

Have you ever gotten drunk with Bill? No. I tried to one night. I'm going to plan, when I get this 90 days up, I'm going to plan the perfect drinking night. Where we all go do Rogan's podcast. It's me, you, Burr. We'll do a six-person podcast, but we all get fucking hammered. I think we did that at the end of the world party, but I don't remember.

It's the best podcast I've ever been a part of. We got to redo it somehow. So Bill says to me, he goes, I don't know what I was telling about in this story. Oh, you're a drinker. So we're about to go drink. And he's like, hey, let's go get a little nip, something, a little something. I go, I can't. I got a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

I want to be healthy for my doctor's appointment. He looks at me and goes, hey, that's not how it fucking works. You go in hot to your doctor. You don't go to your doctor all fucking warmed up and ready. It's not like eating Oreos before you go to the dentist. Is that Steven Wright? Is that Steven Wright? No. Is that Stephen Wright? Is that Stephen Wright?

No. Is that Stephen Wright? No, I remember it was some kid we had to take to the dentist when we were some default babysitters for some teenage pregnancy kid when I was trying to get him to eat Oreos before we had to take him to the dentist. We were like 15-year-old babysitters for some chick. If I did 90 days without drinking, I'd be skinny as fuck, for one. Rogan used to tell me that in the man show days. When I was skinny as fuck, except for the same bloat,

I still have the skinny chest, but the belly's just getting bigger. You know, if you didn't drink, you know the calories and that, you'd be in good shape. I think Rogan has... I'm being serious when I say this, and I realize I'll probably have a conversation about this already, but I think he has a real distaste for booze. Like, he does drink,

but he doesn't... I don't think he likes... I don't think he likes the way I drink. Genuinely. Yeah, and I have a distaste for people who don't drink well. Every time I've seen him in the last few years, I remember him. No, I drink now, and he's drinking Jack. I've had so many drinks with that guy, and it's not who he is. He's not like a teetotaler at all.

And by the way, on the bet, I can smoke weed. Let's get back to that. Sorry. So do you still think you'll lose weight? I just, can I tell you? I just wish weed did to me what alcohol does. Because I don't, I mean, I like weed, but only when I've been drinking.

Like, I don't like, like, alcohol shuts my brain off, and I love that. Yeah. Weed turns my brain on, and I'm like, man, I don't know for friends. It turns my brain on to everybody hates me and wishes I wasn't here. Yeah. Which is a common refrain. Joe says that's your ego self-destructing itself.

You need to do that so that you lose your ego. And I was like, I don't know. Wait, that's not just true? Mushrooms, that's so hard for me to do. Really? Yeah, I haven't tripped in so long. Yeah, I don't want to do them. It's such a process.

I've said a million. It's the exercise of narcotics where you're going to work out. It's going to take a while. You're going to fucking deal with shit. And the opposite of boozing where you go, ah, let's have some drinks. And the morning you go, I'm never going to drink again. Mushrooms, you start out, I don't know, I don't want to do this at all. Oh, shit.

And then you wake up going, I've got to do that more often. It's exercise. Yeah, I can do drugs during this thing, but I can't drink booze. Wait, what drugs? I can do anything. Well, you haven't made the rules yet. Yeah, I haven't made the rules yet, but I drugs? I can do anything. Well, you haven't made the rules yet. Yeah, I haven't made the rules yet, but I'm sure I can do coke. I thought you didn't do coke.

I like coke. I love occasional coke medicinally. For this podcast, I would do a bump, and I wouldn't want it anymore. I'd do a bump. Yeah, but I wouldn't want anymore. I wouldn't be chasing it down. My problem is tomorrow, I would regret it so fucking much. I'd be dead. I'd do a bump. Yeah, but I wouldn't want anymore. I wouldn't be chasing it down. My problem is tomorrow, I would regret it so fucking much.

I'd be dead. I'd be dead inside the airport. I'd be asking Wendy Curtis, watch me, Jack. Watch me, Jack. He's asleep. Watch me, Jack. He will sleep.

Watch me, Jack. Good Lord. You guys have a whole different relationship with drugs than I do. I'm just talking about drugs, huh? Awkward things. I don't. Do you ever do drugs?

No. How long has the Comedy Works been open? 36 years. 36 years? 36 years? 36 years in a couple weeks. All right. What's the comedian that has the most tenure that you booked that still works there now?

Good question, Doug. Hey, can I light a cigar? Will that kill you, Wendy? No, that's fine. I don't know. There's a lot. She just won't pay the opener tomorrow so she can steam clean the umbrella. Wendy.

Why did you hate Doug? Don't you love his brilliance? I have never steam cleaned the umbrella. You never paid an opener? You never paid an opener? That's funny. This is like a little bit of my dream come true. I've said this.

By the way, I was listening to your podcast today, and I listened to a podcast to relax, and they put me to sleep oddly enough because I feel like my friends are in the other room. And so, well, mine came on after, and I put me to sleep oddly enough because i feel like my friends are in the other room and so well mine came on after and i heard me talking about you and i did not realize how much i bring you up on the podcast i don't realize that and but like i said i said something that i really was embarrassed about because i was like oh doug's heard this but i have to i have to note it right now so So like I am – I will say this. I am genuinely friends with Doug. I talk to him.

I text him. You are my newest friend. Someone I feel like – this is actual friendship. Yeah, and so – but I am a genuine fan of his before I was a friend of his. I do not know where this story is going. Neither do I. Anyway, anyway. Oh, so I heard him on the podcast and I said, like, don't ever think that I'm with him.

I'm not stealing little private fan moments. And that was one of them. When you were like, I can't pay an opener so I can steam clean this umbrella those are great when you're like I always say this because a tell came to my house to do a podcast dude

the chickens were aggressive and he one of my favorite tell lines ever is when he's like I can't believe these women are drinking whiskey with Diet Coke. Diet Coke? I don't. The line goes, I'm looking for the kind of woman that goes outside and starts yelling the N word at an eclipse.

Like, I just like those things when man that podcast by the way the video is up but if you see me and sagura because sagura is and by the way don't pod call tom on this but like sagura is a legit like to the point where he was doing a tells pacing when he was young like he was doing his pacing and his timing. We loved him that much. It's infectious. It's infectious. And when Scurr says something, Attell goes,

Jesus, make eye contact if you're going to talk to me like that. Andy and I, Andy left too, but Andy Andrist is here with me. He's on the road with me. But Andy would get shit where they go, oh, he's just trying to be Stan Hope. I go, no, Andy and I have been friends for 20 years. And you just like a tough crowd. All those guys kind of got the similar. You know, I fucking your chinless. You're a zilch.

Yeah. And, you know, Andy and I, I'm stealing more from Andy than he's stealing from me. He's naturally funnier. But don't you think that's kind of common? I feel like there's whomever one of the hottest, the couple of the hottest comics are, the younger comics do kind of take on their rhythm, their timing a little bit.

And, you know, you see a little bit of that. Definitely happens. When I started, I was inspired by Dice Clay, and I tried to not sound like Dice Clay, and I sounded like Dice Clay. But when it's Friends, you have to deal with this.

The comedy police. I would love to pick up some of your fucking inflections. I would, dude. Like, one of the things I, when I'm working on my new hour, one of the things I love about what you do, Doug, and I wish I had more of this. I have it in one part of my act right now. Burr has this a tad bit too. Is you guys, like when you talked about ISIS and you're like, I'm working this corner.

Like it's such a great line that it's not, you know, it's not funny in the sense that if you pulled it out and put it, gave it to somebody, they wouldn't think it's funny. But put in context of that story it's so great and like i have one in my act right now that i go like i've been really dissecting how comedy works and like what no not you but i'm coming out to see you by the way uh before you film your special because he keeps saying hey i need feedback i'm gonna i'm gonna just i was gonna come to singapore but i think we're too far gone, Doug. No, I'm fixing it now.

So if you don't like it, I just can do it. You're not taping it till February. Yeah. So I'm going to know, but I'm going to, I'm going to have to be sober for fucking 90 days. If you need somebody to bring Jesus,

he needs him to bring three people to Singapore. So if you're going to go there, we'll go along. I did five months sober, of everything after my second Dewey. Andy Anderson is like, oh, yeah. Court appointed. Yeah, yeah. But I did do the time, and it sucked, but I plugged away at it.

Kept trying. Weren't you, like, online, like, finding other things? You, like, choked down some choke down some spirulina or something? Kratom? Yeah. I mean, yeah, I needed to get some. I heard Kratom's great. Yeah.

You learn what you can and can't do drug-wise. I could do coke on Monday and then still get through, but, you know. Cyanide. Yeah, yeah. Piss test was a random thing, so you had to have no weed, which was a tough one. Anyway, I'm going to go back and get a drink. Wait, we didn't ever get the answer. Yeah, Wendy, what was the question?

What was the question? The question was the comic that still works for you for the longest amount of time. I don't know. That's a long... I don't know. That was a lot. Who was the guy that did Time and Chattanooga for trying to buy crack? Rick Kearns.

Is he still around? Is Matt Woods still around? Nope, no Matt Woods. But yeah, Kearns is around. Who's the guy that you still book? The Argus Hamilton of the comedy works. How's that for an analogy? You know what?

The ones that I hear from other comics are the Roy's. John Roy and Chuck Roy? No. I don't know who John Roy is. And Chuck Roy, no, doesn't work for us. But, like, I mean, like, one of the oldest ones that I can think of might be George Lopez, honestly. He still works my club. And he started in the kitchens?

No. That's not funny, Bucks. Is it okay to pee in the pool if you're not in it? No, you can't pee in the pool. All right. If you're not wearing a bathing suit. What are those sound-masking waterfalls for? By the way, we went to my buddy Eric Grusin's house,

and someone said something about peeing in the pool, and Isla goes, I always pee in your pool. And Georgia goes, I actually wait to pee in your pool. And he was like, what? He got so upset. Wait, so wait, who have you broken? Like, what's a comic that you feel responsible for that you go,

you know what? I brought this up. She won't take it. No, it's just that I don't feel like it's... Why are you humble? Because I don't think that's my... That's not my thing in this business. My thing is to present, to create a space I worked your club one time and then I made it

exactly fucking taking responsibility for Stanhope I just I feel like by the way there's an email about my weekend this week to all my agents and managers so yeah there's like yeah

but there was like you are you have been in this business probably successfully longer than anybody. Maybe, but I just don't think it's that big of a deal. Hang on, I'm sorry to interrupt you, Wendy. We have a caller. Caller, you're on the air with Burt Kreischer and Doug Stanhope on the Doug Stanhope-Burt Kreischer Swapcast. Oh, Christ.

What am I supposed to say now? I haven't back yet. Come on. You're actually on a podcast. Don't go into it. Alright, I was just telling you. You kind of broke ranks there. Alright, this is going to get aired. I'll call you. I'll text you when we're done. So, yeah. All right. This is going to get aired. So, all right. I'll call you.

I'll text you when we're done. All right. Love you. Bye. So, Wendy, how much of my act did you see last night? I think probably I was there the last 30 minutes, but that included when you brought me on stage and whatever, I think. Wait, stop, raffle. Oh, yeah, I saw that on a periscope last night.

Yeah? Yeah, I saw you guys. That was fun. I caught two names, not just one. I caught two. But I've never thought it was my deal to, first of all, to judge. Like, young comics, I'm never going to squash somebody and go, you know, you're not funny. You're not – because I don't know.

I don't know what the – because I've seen them turn around. I've seen people that you've watched for two or three years. That's why comedians could never run a good comic club. And suddenly it like – it turns for them. And suddenly like what the hell happened? Because I think in my head that New talent kid's never, this is ridiculous. He'll never make it. But then he turns.

And so I would never, ever squash somebody's stuff. If I started the Bisbee Comedy Club and I had a, oh, it's a, what do you call it? Not an internship. What do you call it when you have a long stay in Vegas? A residency of Andy Kindler in Bisbee, Arizona. Oh, no, you guys just don't understand comedy. Yeah, you'd fail miserably.

So wait, let's do a game. Doug and I are going to say the name of a comic, and you just say one word. Oh, God, we played that last night. I was so bad, because I always have like three or five words. She can't be completely honest. Okay, then I'll say a name. Unless we get a real one.

I'll say a name and you say. I'll be pretty honest. You say a word and she says a word. Well, we have to do this. Every time Bert and I do Swapcasts, we do. The first time was your top three comics that you'd have on a multi-bill tour with you. Then we did top three comedian podcasts that were gets. I got you with Bill Cosby.

You didn't even think of Bill Cosby during the rape thing. And then the last one was comedian biographies. Not autobiographies, biographies. And I thought, like, a tell, like, what's he like when he's not being a tell?

So we have to have another one of those before the end of this. Yeah, we gotta have one of those. Wow. Three something where we pick like kickball. I gotta get my books out. You gotta get your books out? Yeah, so I can see all of them. I need, like, you know, I need some notes. I need my cheat notes. Like how much people earn?

No. I was... Wait, what are you saying? I was gonna say top three comics that you want to have a podcast that don't, but I couldn't think of more than one. I couldn't think of more. I wouldn't mind. I had a 600 mile drive here I'm still a little shaky from I couldn't think of more than one

because you know more comics than I do you wouldn't know if they have a I could tell you podcasts I'd like to change go ahead bury it I would like I want to change Maren's podcast

really? I want him change Marin's podcast. Really? To who? I want him to bring back comics. I want him to bring back comics. I want comics to be able to go on a second and third time. I want you to go back and do Marin. I want Janine Garofalo to go back and do Marin. I've done it twice.

The second time, he's kind of dismissive. Well, yeah, but that was you promoting your book, right? I think I have a lot in common with Marin that I think he hates me and I think he thinks I hate him. But we know Wendy Curtis hates both

of us. That's Doug's attitude when he sees Marin at the store. They pass each other in the hall like two animals that might attack each other and are just happy they get by each other. That's so funny because I am such a different – I have such a different relationship with Maren than you do or Joe does or like any comic. I'm not saying that anyone has bad relationships with him. But so many guys of his age are like – I get the sweetest, softest guy. He just texted me today and he was like, hey, I wrote a book.

If you want, you can talk about it on your podcast. No, he didn't even say that. I said I'll talk about it on my podcast. He was like, I want to send you a copy. And I was like, oh, fuck yeah. I go, hey, man, there's an open invite to do my podcast whenever. But I want Marin to bring back comics that he's already had on. That's my biggest problem with his podcast right now

is that I want... And by the way, don't pod call him. And I want him to do a couple comics at a time. I want it to be... Like, he's such a great interviewer, but there's so much shit he hasn't tapped into on so many great comics that if it's just an hour interview,

I want more, I want more. Does that make sense? Yeah. Since we've been binging on the Burt cast, an hour is not long enough. We try to keep it to an hour, and now you're kind of queering me the same way Wendy Curtis is queering me in an opening up a comedy club. Oh, I should do it the way you do it. I'll invest in that. We'll get. Yeah, we got it. We're so off the map on this.

Miss Pat's book, Rabbit. We want to invest in a comedy club in Bisbee, Arizona. Where's Bisbee, Arizona? Well, we have a cave 80 miles away that you can live in. If I'm going to invest in one, I'm going to invest in one. Well, we have a cave 80 miles away that you can live in. No, no. This is not the scenario at all.

I'm buzzed. But I'm getting drunk with you. I brought up three different subjects at once. Other podcasts I would change. I don't know. You know, like. I only listened to three that was not even we're trying to find the top three I was going to ask you

can I tell you I think yours should be daily there's something about you that I don't have a problem checking with you daily my favorite podcast run you've ever done when you did Tin Can Rehab. By the way, I'm... And then that brings us back to 90 days in the hole.

Yeah. With you. I loved you. That was my favorite. We have seven subjects going now. My favorite, when you did Tin Can Rehab, I checked in every morning with you. And this brings us back to the shakes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the 90-day bet. Bring it down to a 30-day bet, and we'll do it together. We'll swap cast every day. You can't take... Okay, so here's one of the things. They were like, how can we monitor you? I was like, ankle bracelets. I'm going to put on an ankle bracelet.

Listen, anyone who has a bet on this knows that we're not full of shit. Yeah, I'll tell you if I welch. If I quit the bet, I'll tell you I quit. Wait, you'd go into this bet with me? Yes, that's why when you said it, I said save it for the podcast because I fucking emailed Dr. Drew going I have to taper down, but I don't

want to fucking die like that guy did. What did he say? He gave me some advice. I don't remember. I was drunk when I emailed him. By the way, I think I ran by my business paradigm of quitting drinking, which is Xanax, half Xanax, sleeping pill. I think I just punched it up a tad bit. How many Xanax do you take a week?

Half a milligram. Oh, never. I never take them. I'm scared of them. I'm scared of them because fucking no one's honest with how people die on Xanax. It's in my book. Which I should plug, pre-order it. This is not fame.

Geraldo. No, he said it at the same time. Jinx, we have to kiss. Oh, come here. Alright. Is that really what Geraldo died from Xanax? I have a whole piece of my new book that I wish that they would... When someone dies of prescription drugs, if someone dies of heroin, you never know the dosage, the amount.

Right. Because it's... Who knows what you bought? Oh, my sister died of ecstasy. Well, no, she bought what they said was ecstasy from a handoff in a club. You don't know what that is. But prescription drugs. Yeah, if someone dies of prescription drugs, tell us the exact amount.

Tell me the dosage. Yeah. Like Heath Ledger, Ambien and Xanax. I went, okay, I've been there. Wait, tell me, which one did he take first? I want to know the exact dosage. Like, I learned from someone, don't ever drink and then take a Xanax. Take a Xanax, then drink.

I don't do them both at the same time. However, I will do, like, Xanax and then wait five hours and have a cocktail. That's one of my favorite buzzes in the world. By the way, I'm going to sound like a fucking drug addict on this. What dosage? Half a milligram. All right. Half a.5.

.5. Yeah. And then if I know that I'm going to drink. A quarter bar. So let's just say I come back from Vietnam. A half a blue, a peach. Yeah. I spell it out in the book.

This is. If I come back from Vietnam and I got to do parent stuff, I'll take half a milligram in the morning. Not the war. A motorcycle trip. Yeah, motorcycle. If you're a new listener, he's not 70 years old coming back from Nam and he needs Xanax to take the edge off my lay.

And all those gook kids, but they could have had something in their diaper. Those gook kids could have had something in their diaper. Johnny, I can't feel my legs. Johnny, I can't feel my legs. I got corrected one time. I called it shrapnel. And they go, no, it's shrapnel. Shrapnel?

You call it shrapnel? Shrapnel? I called it shrapnel. When you're trying to fit in at the vfw did you ever you know what i've been watching obsessively is tracy morgan's morning appearance where he goes i come back from vietnam you ever see that i can after listening to miss pat's book after you listen to the audio book of miss pat which i learned from your podcast we listen to Miss Pat's book? After you listen to the audio book of Miss Pat, which I learned from your podcast, we listen to it, and she butchers the English language so much that I call her the Ask Murderer. The Ask Murderer.

Did you listen to her audio book? Oh, it's fucking fantastic. Oh, it's fucking fantastic. I think audio books like that are better than the book. At first, when I listened to it, well, I couldn't figure out what she was saying. Look a house that she was saying. I lived in a look a house.

Oh, shut up. A look a house is something that I just... I didn't understand so many things in that world, so I was like, that's just one more thing that I don't understand. It was so fucking... It was one of the best audiobooks I've ever listened to. Oh, shut up. I was so glad that she read it

herself because her story is so fucking phenomenal that if anybody else tried to read that story just a narrator, it would never work. Well, because I learned about it from Chrysler's podcast. Yeah, and then you guys told me about it. I didn't listen to the podcast.

I thought, well, first I thought, I don't want to hear Miss Pat. And then I listened to that, and then I, oh, I do want to listen to this book. Dude, did you hear the story she told about Willie B? Not Willie B. The gorilla? She told a story to Leanne that Leanne and her...

Man, I'm going to fuck this up. There's a gorilla named after the... I think... You work on this. Let me finish my sentence. You think about that. Miss Pat, she... For the first maybe 20 minutes,

she like... Because she said on Chrysler's podcast, I... No, I didn't write it. I told someone and they tape recorded it. I don't like to read and write. And I like... The audio book is going to suck if she has to read it right and I like the audio book is gonna suck if

she has to read it and at first it's clunky and you realize she's having a hard time we did this Chad Shank my audio book my first book Chad Shank we traded chapters where Chad has the golden pipes and I

suck at reading so Miss Pat I'm like I don't I think I'd rather just read the book than listen to. But when she gets into that dialect and the ax, and then the ax, that man. But then this clunky reading, but then she gets into it. Once you get into it, it's kind of like Irvine Welsh, if you ever read Irvine Welsh where he reads and...

Alright, I'm fucking... I was waiting for you to get your point. I say that when I did my audiobook, it took 15 hours for me to get through it. It's a five hour audiobook, it took me 15 hours. And they kept in... Oh, it took us way longer than that. They kept in all the fuck-ups of me going, motherfucker!

I can't even fucking... Who fucking wrote this? And then they kept it all in. I ripped pages out. I'm like, fuck, I'm taking my pants off. And I laugh at parts. I do impressions. Like, I did a... I dated a girl with cerebral palsy, but I didn't know

she had cerebral palsy. I was drinking a lot at the time. And so, I don't know why I'm telling Wendy this, but we were just so hammered. My buddies were like, you should take her out in the day. And Patrice was the one that found out she had cerebral palsy. And I did an impression of Patrice on the book. I was like, damn, Bert, what's wrong with that girl's home? So in my audio book, I don't make any money from my audio book,

so I'm definitely not promoting it. But I got done. You should have gone with Audible. At Audible. The best was the guy who did my audio book, the engineer, was like, Hey, that was a rough one. And I i was like when we got done i go yeah yeah i'm sorry man and he was like well it wasn't as bad as tracy morgan's and i said i go how was tracy morgan's he goes i'm not certain he can read oh shit apparently tracy morgan Oh, shit. Apparently, Tracy Morgan just got the book, and he was like, fuck, let me just tell you the story.

And just threw it off to the side and just talked. We did a lot of that. We did a lot of that on our audio book i didn't know that i could read audio books and stand up you want to read my audio book and i'd just be retarded to not say yes so i said yes yeah and uh halfway through it the the producer that was with us we're outside taking a break and he goes man thank you this would be taking so much longer if you weren't here. I can't read for shit. I can't read out loud at all.

No. I can't read it out loud. Well, I was dyslexic, but she can't read out loud at all either. Yeah, I don't know what dyslexic means, but after I wrote the book, I go, I'm probably that. Yeah. I think most comics probably have a hint of dyslexia hence they like talking their ideas better out I can read pretty good

if you need any voiceover work you can email me at audioshank at iCloud or look me up on voice are you shitting me oh shut the fuck up let's do a little reel real quick do you have anything you have to sponsors?

So you don't have to clog up the first 21 minutes of your fucking podcast with it? Dude, I really do love Blue Apron. I know that you guys are shitting on me. Oh, that's what I was going to get back to. One of the 17 topics I've brought up. That was one of the top three I was going to do with you tonight. Top three sponsors you wish you had. Like people, businesses, even a –

Oh, number one. We just got a sports book one, finally, where I had Brian shopping for a sports book. So we get a sports book. I'm in. I'm in. I know who I want. Hey, Doug, do you mean someone like proflowers.com or maybe movementwatches? Pro?

VM? Yeah. Hey, we're all. Hey. Oh, where's movementwatches? Where's your movementwatch, Bert Kreischer? Oh, I remember. Because you're not in the gang.

Movementwatch? Wait, what's a movementwatch? Well, you're going to have to find out when they contact you. Movementwatch. Why don't you just ogle mine? Wait, what are movement watches? They're just plain watches. By the way, they're getting a free plug on my podcast.

Oogle. Not Oogle. Bert. I am buzzed. Bert. I don't know if that was a real word. Three types of businesses you wish you could sponsor. I've already got it.

I've got it. You gotonsor. I've got it. I want Mercedes. Here's my pitch. Mercedes, if you're listening. I'll take BMW also. I'll also take Lincoln. See, you already ruined the pitch. I want a car sponsor but a luxury sedan. Tesla.

And I want to do my reads in the car. I want you to hear the city pumping. Downtown LA. Door shuts. Get the fuck out of my way. Fuck you. I got a gun. Who wants a papaya?

And then I go. And then I go. And then I. Door shuts and it's silent. Hey guys, it's Burt Kreischer. Welcome to the Burtcast. We got a brand new podcast for you. You're going to love it. Drive to my house for the intro read.

Open the door and go, and then you hear my kids, dad, they're already in the back. Uncle Doug says there's no Santa. And I'm like, podcast's starting right now. That silence was brought to you by Mercedes-Benz. Mercedes-Benz, literally the only way to drive. Right? That's one of my podcasts. Tito's.

Obviously, I want Tito's. Well, you kind of have Tito's. I heard it bleed into one of your podcasts where they send you shit to your next seat. They send me product. It's kind of like my sacks under pants. Like, hey, I promoted them first, and then they send me free underpants. But they didn't actually follow through on the last. What about Twizzler's carameled apple flavor candy?

I'm going to take a hard pass on that, Wendy. Wendy, that's what we did before we ever had sponsorship. We would be fake sponsored by things we just like. Because Sabra Hummus was, I think, the first one. I love Sabra Hummus. Oh, yeah. But if you could, well, you don't smoke. Cigarettes would be.

Why can't you get a cigarette sponsor? That's the thing. They have that ban on TV, radio, print, but podcasting... This is the same as I have this idea with... I've been thinking about starting smoking a lot lately. No, but... Wait, boss.

I would love to break... Be that guy that... Wave the thing. The lights keep coming off and on because there's homeless people. It's one of those things where you go, okay, they made the law about not advertising cigarettes. But podcasting is a new, where you could get into some kind of Larry Flint Supreme Court battle. Oh, I guarantee you. Why don't you get a sponsorship?

You smoke American Spirits? But I don't want to promote cigarettes. It's the only thing I regret in my life is starting smoking. Do you think you'll ever quit? It's terrible. I'm going to try again. That's why I quit drinking. Not to quit drinking, to quit smoking.

I don't smoke cigarettes, but if somebody will pay me, I'll promote them. I'll get you in on this Rogan 90-day bet, and we're going to fucking... Oh, man, you'll be health nuts. We'll be doing kettlebells, Doug. You missed the part where Stanhope said you had to lower it to a 30-day bet if you want him in. Well, 30 days would have to be the beginning. Like, where you're not working. Well, you can't not work for 90 days.

30 days should be enough. I can't go on stage without being drunk. I haven't done it since 2004. I can go on stage without being drunk. My problem is I can't go to bed without being drunk. You can if you just stay up for three days. I've done this at home. You just stay up and you watch Netflix and you have kids and shit.

I don't have that. If I sit on my couch and I can't sleep, I just do stuff. Maybe fold some clothes or something. I don't have responsibilities or neighbors. Hey, just fold some clothes, man. Just be up. I can't sleep. You don't have to sleep if you don't have to work

That's what Jenny has told me before Because I would try to struggle with trying to sleep You know, in a pattern I don't know, reasonable way Fuck do you care? You don't have a job, dumbass Just sleep whenever So yeah, I do the same thing

I'll stay up and then I'll fall asleep later If you don't know the people that are with us we all live in Bisbee and we don't have jobs I work when I want to but Jenny occasionally does point being

here's how don't need an ankle bracelet for 30 days we are in a place that we don't have alcohol. We get dropped off. I have a lot of locations where you can't get booze. Unless you're going to hike nine miles down. Wait, wait, wait.

You ready for this? Okay. I sold this show, but I'm willing to unsell it. I apologize to the people that I sold it to. If you're like, wait, wait, wait. I thought we were doing that. What about this? You ready for this?

You always give people ideas on your show. Oh, I noticed that. You give people like, you guys should be a podcast. This is the show you should do. So, yes, give us one. Stranded and branded. Me and Doug go to a desert island for 30 days, and we are only supported by corporate integrations. So we get there.

Sponsorship. Sponsorship. First day, Lazy Boys. Fucking drop off 40 Lazy Boys. Yeah, we have talked about this. Yeah, we built shelter. Out of Lazy Boys? Yeah, we just got to repurpose Lazy Boys.

It's raining. Pull out the footrest. Yeah. Second day, fucking Dr. Scholl's. We just get a ton of integrations, and that's how we live. And no booze. Strokes, probably. A lot of sunburns.

How does that work with strokes? How'd that guy die from booze? I don't know. That's why I emailed Dr. Drew. Did you talk about that? Yeah, we started talking. How much was he drinking? I don't know.

That guy, we'll never know. But when I emailed Dr. Drew, I told him exactly how much I think I drink every day. And I go, I know you're going to just tell me to see a physician. And he goes, yeah, that's what I'm going to do. I have to reread the email, what he said. But to just tell me to see a physician. And he goes, yeah, that's what I'm going to do. I have to reread the email, what he said. But yeah, yeah, go see a doctor. How many drinks did you say? 15 to 20 a night.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I self-pour. Those are doubles or triples because it's not a bartender making the drink. It's when you pour your... Listen, honestly, if I pour my own drink and I just found out Doug feels the same way, if Tracy's pouring the drinks, they're heavy. So we're getting a double or a triple, and we're going, I just had a drink. That's not like getting a drink at Deadwood where they pour a shot.

At some point, maybe eight years ago now, I switched. I was a beer drinker. You know how much alcohol is in a beer. If you have 12 beers, you know you had 12 measured shots. When I self-pour, I don't fucking know. Half of these glasses are from hotel rooms. Glasses? I use 32-ounce styrofoam cups.

Red cups? What do you drink? Tito's and soda. And I do. He lost 70 pounds. I open a thing of LaCroix, and I fill it up with LaCroix. I pour one full LaCroix in there, and then I fill the rest up with Tito's. Is it flavored?

Hey, there's another sponsor. All right. That's my next sponsor I would want is either Canada Dry or... Schweppes. Schweppes. The glass. Small glass bottles. I love those.

Vodka? Fuck a Tito's versus a pop-off. It's the soda water. It's the Schweppes that makes it. We're drinking Schweppes right now, I think. Yeah, we have Canada Dry in a one liter. You get it in the small 10 ounce glass bottle. That is like that sparkly when Coca-Cola burned your throat because of the bubbles.

So wait, let's talk about how much booze we drink. I know that I've been in an airport. I have been in an airport. This is secret time. I've been in an airport and I've had three doubles and not felt it at all. Three doubles

from a bartender that isn't Tracy or you. Right. And been like, god damn it, man. I know on paper it looks like I'm drinking a lot, but I am not feeling any of this. We listened to this. The people at the airport call that a mark.

You want to make it a double for $2 more? Oh, yeah. The only thing extra is the $2. By the way. That feels like AA when I say that one. Yeah? Finally, you're getting a regular drink. I'm not sure there's soda in these. Like my wife, my wife was like, hey, no more 32-ounce Tito's and sodas.

Because she's like, it's not. She's like, it's a bottomless pit. My wife and my therapist were like, hey, you got to start bringing weed on the road with you. Because if I smoke weed, anyone will attest. Mackenzie, this week, if I smoked weed at the club, I didn't smoke weed at the club. Hypothetically, if I smoked weed at the club, I was done for the fucking night. I just went to bed. And that was like my wife's like.

That's your regimen. Yeah. I have a couple. Maybe I had like 40 dozen sodas over the night, doubles in a big glass. And then I have a hit of weed andos and sodas over the night, doubles, in a big glass. And then I'd have a hit of weed, and I'd be done for the night. And I'm like, I'm going to bed. See, four drinks in a night would be a night where I say I didn't really drink last night. Yeah.

And when you're getting drinks from, when they're mixed drinks, liquor, you don't know what you're getting. Someone gives you a drink from the audience. You don't know how much alcohol. Dude, I had to stop doing shots. It was fucking my throat up. Like, I would lose my voice. First show Thursday. You haven't found your voice yet.

You're young. By the way, artistically... Your voice will come when you put a shirt back on. Are these the parts you're remembering? Artistically, this is the best podcast I've ever done. I'm sure it's annoying the listener because I keep bringing up different topics and then we get distracted. Can I tell you?

This is a secret time. I wanted my agent, all my agents and managers, when I did my first special, they were like, hey, you got to put a fucking shirt on. Like, you can't do a special with your shirt off. And I was like, yeah, but I don't perform with a shirt on. So I don't think that, I don't want my first time to do it to be on my special.

And then they were like, all right, and we did it. And they all thought, they're like, you're going to regret this. And then that, those clips went viral.

Yeah. And now they're like, I just had a meeting and they're like, yo, you're not doing this special with your shirt on, are you?

And I was like, you guys said it was a bad idea. I was going to do it in like a suit. And they were like, nah, you're was a bad idea. I was going to do it in a suit. And they were like, nah, you're shirtless. That's the only way we can sell this fucking thing. I envy you for being able to do it with a shirt off and I'm half your weight.

Because at least you're bulky and barrel-chis. It all matches. I'm like an elderly man with some spill belly. But if I stopped drinking for 90 days, I'm not going to look like I look now. And I'll just be like, they're like, why is his shirt off? Like when I do it out there, they're like, oh, he's fat. I get it. Oh, it's staying

off. Okay. What if we get Dr. Drew to come to Johnny Depp Island at the Palmas? Oh, by the way, that is my one, like, I need caveats in this bet because I go, what if Stan Hope calls once again with Johnny Depp, and he's like, hey, we're partying at Johnny's house. Come hang out.

And I'm in L.A.? There's no fucking way I don't. I break the bet. How do you not drink? How do I not drink? How do I not drink? I just saw a picture today with Hunter S. Thompson, John Cusack, and Johnny Depp. And they were going around with this inflatable doll back in like the 90s.

And I was like, I lived my life for those nights. Like if you guys called me like that one time, you're like, hey, we're playing guitars. Come hang out. I'm back. The bet's off. I'm fucking drinking. There's no fucking way. Only a fucking lunatic stays sober.

We went back from the comedy store one night so drunk to Mr. Depp's house. Can I talk about this? No, it's in the book as a fake story. There's things I can't talk about. This never happened. I never went to Johnny Depp's house. Yeah. But I thought I ruined that guitar.

Stuff I can't talk about, but... We ran into Marin that night, and he goes... Go ahead. I was... I'm still going to tell you that story. Just say it, just say it. All right, if you tell the Molly Ringwald... No, I can't do it.

I can't talk to Maribel the Molly Ringwald it's not even a my stories are so much better but it's in the book and it kind of telegraphs itself but the lawyers can't give me shit

how much lawyer shit I'm sure I asked on the last when you wrote your book how much shit did you get from lawyers a lawyer called me immediately. First thing he said was, I think the Russian mafia story is fake.

I need to know that because you use people's names. And I was like, no, it's a true story. He goes, okay, whatever. And I was like, it's true. And then when that story went viral and the kids in the class posted pictures of me robbing them, they were like, I guess the lawyer must have been like,

motherfucker. He thought the Will Smith story he was fucking not happy with. Oh, Louis C.K. told me a fucking Will Smith story. Really? It was just really creepy. It's not good like yours. He didn't try to molest him.

What was his lures? Just he was hired to punch up some, or he was looking to hire him to punch up a script, but he comes into this elaborate kind of, I'm doing this a huge injustice, by the way, and he's having breakfast across a long table. Like a boardroom. Yeah, just with security around.

Really? Louis, I think, said no. It's a really good story if Louis tells it, and he's here, and he's not drunk. Does Louis drink? A little bit. I've worked with him. Pablo Francisco broke his... Oh, Pablo.

Pablo Francisco. Google alert. Oh, I got... Wendy. You know what? We should probably at some point kill this podcast, because I don't want to do what you do and start stories he can't tell.

Because you pulled up in an Uber. He gave us the wrong address. I did. It was my fault. No, he gave you the address. Wendy sent the address. I know, but all of our Ubers pulled up. It's my fault.

They're trying to look for 209 instead of 290, but they all pulled up at the same place. Kreischer says, I'm four minutes away. I go, I'll go to where your Uber's going to take you to, because if you have the same wrong address. And I just waited for him,

and he walked out of this Uber going, oh, I got some gossip. Oh, yeah. Save it for the podcast. He goes, no, this is not podcast. I'm going to I want to talk about the Pablo thing. Francisco. Only because it's out there.

It's out there. And I have Pablo's back in this. Because I feel like Pablo sometimes. Do you want to explain it just in case someone doesn't know about this? Pablo Francisco is a comic I kind of started with in my first couple years. And I played with meth for a minute back then. And this guy Gordon Feinberg was... You ain't going to pass over that.

I played with meth for a minute back then. Yeah, you snorted a bit of meth before it was smokable and intervention was around. And then you were young and you were... So Pablo and I, there was an open mic-er that you took advantage of. Wendy, this could have been

tomorrow morning at your club, just me and him doing this on stage with you. But we would never get to this. No, we would never get to this. We would be so distracted by the audience. I like the intimacy of this. And thank you, Wendy, so much for letting us do this. Thank you we never got to this. We were so distracted by the audience. I like the intimacy of this.

And thank you, Wendy, so much for letting us do this for the house. Thank you very much. Beautiful place. Such a beautiful house. It was sweet. So keep going.

So you know the open mic-er you started with that you kind of used because he had the PA or he had the nice apartment and you were living on the couch. Gordon Feinberg was his kid. He was a terrible open-miker, but he had a trust fund.

Mine was Eddie Ift. I'm kidding. I'm kidding, Eddie. I'm kidding. He just had him on a podcast. So me and Becker. Pod call. Pod call.

By the way, you know that's going to turn viral, this pod calling. Bro, you got pod called at Matt Bronger's podcast 45 minutes in. Oh, wait, did you see this podcast? That was not a pod call. If you pod call, put a link in to the podcast. Yeah, and tell them at what point that mention happened. Yeah, at the 1-16. Nobody wants to listen to the entire thing.

Exactly. You got Paul called at 1.37. I don't know how to listen to my podcast. If you said, hey, listen to your own podcast, I wouldn't know where to find it. He'd say, where do I get it? Gordon Feinberg was this kid with a trust fund that thought he might be funny, and he wasn't. But he had this nice spread in Tempe. So me and Pablo and Becker would just kind of abuse him for his niceness.

And there was one night me and Pablo were doing meth, and he was drinking tequila. And I was probably drinking something mixed with tequila, so I couldn't taste tequila. I'm standing. I'm standing. I'm good, guys. I'm good. I'm good. I was watching porn on the old-school widescreen TVs that are four feet deep, much less wide. Each of us hoping the other guy would finally fall asleep so the other guy could jerk off. hoping the other guy would finally fall asleep so the other guy could jerk off and I did a guest set

early on, or later on but early on in my career where Pablo was doing a guest set at the Irvine Improv or one of those Improvs and I said he had one joke I liked and I said I was headlining and I said, you got to tell, he had one joke I liked.

And I said, I was headlining. And I said, you have to go back up and tell that joke. Or I'm going to tell him about the time that Gordon Feinberg, when we were both fucking tweaked out of our heads. He went back up and did the bit. He is someone I'd like to read his biography. Oh, that's a good one. That's a fucking good one. And by the way,

I'm definitely not shitting on Pablo and I don't want to bring up bad stuff in his life that he wants to get past. But one of the things I respect in Pablo is he's one of us.

He's like a broken toy. Like he's got these fuck, I remember I've told this definitely. We did. We need to back up here. Pablo had a YouTube thing go viral where he was so fucked at a show that he just kept saying the same joke over and over again. You wouldn't know it.

Don't need to look it up. If you don't know Pablo, he was spiraled out, and he goes, oh, he was drunk as shit. No, we're drunks. Kreischer and I are drunks. We know what drunk is. That spun out on an amphetamine. He was in a cycle.

I think it's tough to watch as a comic, because trust me, I feel like I've been there. to watch as a comic, because trust me, I feel like I've been there. Like, I've definitely been like, when I was 22, I got in front of the Russian Mafia. When I was 22, I got in front of the Russian Mafia. When I was 22, I got in front of the Russian Mafia. But it was tough to watch for a number of reasons,

but I will say that Pablo's the guy that you'd hear the stories about on the road that were always folklore. They were always like, oh, man, Pablo's the guy that you'd hear the stories about on the road that were always folklore. You know? Like, they were always like, oh, man, Pablo this. You know? But he's a really sweet guy. He is.

He's like the sweetest guy ever. And he's a great comic. Like, dude, I'm telling you when I say this. He puts on an amazing show. Like, an amazing show. But, like, if you pay 20 bucks to see me, you're going, like, that's worth 20 bucks. You pay 20 bucks to see Pablo, you go,

God damn it, that felt like a $30 show. I can't believe I paid 20 bucks. He's a great comic. Alright, I have not seen him since the early days. Oh, dude, I watched him one night. What he got spun into in the cycle was shit he was doing 20 years ago. Yeah. So, I watched him one night. What he got spun into in the cycle was shit he was doing 20 years ago.

Yeah. So I don't know that that's not the... I assume he's doing the same shit. He's one of those comics that has a handler. He does. He does. You know anyone else that has had a handler? Alright, you're

the opening act, but your real job is to make sure he doesn't find crack or heroin. Oh, god damn. Where's Wendy now? Where's Wendy now? Um, but like... When I come back, I'm going to get Wendy

because I'm going to piss in the pool because no one told me where the bathroom is. Go piss. I'm going to defend Pablo. No, we're all on the same page. Can we just pause? I'm going to stay with this because I like this one. No, no, fuck it. No, no, no.

Let it roll. I'm with you. He's peeing right now. Yeah, Pablo is a guy that I think every comic loves. But it's like, and this is the thing I'd like to ask Wendy is like, I know Pablo's had to have heard this. Hey, Wendy. Yeah? This is my question to you.

We're talking about Pablo. By the way, you don't have to say anything. I know that you probably work with Pablo. Not anymore because he works for the improvs. Oh, I did too. What? You're not that lady. No, he's just one of the people.

I think they're managed by him. And he works for them. Oh, no. This could go so disastrously wrong. No, it's just that I can't work him because he's one of the very few that would choose that club over mine. Who's his manager? I think it's Judy Brown, isn't it? Do you work with Judy Brown?

It's levity. We should have given it more of a pause. Oh, we need the beat there. All of a sudden, you're going to want edits in this. You're going to need Chaley. Is Judy Brown your manager? Shout out to Judy Brown, who was here the other night when Wendy was not, apparently. Yeah, I was.

Actually, I wasn't. No, sorry. I had a rough day at the gym. Wendy, the question is. I'm definitely getting. I'm like. Stay with me. I'm with you.

Have you ever worked with a comedian that needed a handler to make sure they didn't score drugs. Yeah, sure. Who? You don't have to say it. Geraldo. Did Geraldo have... Yeah, he did. Pablo's guy was...

What's his name? Flip Schultz. Who I know... Are you serious? Scooby Green? Scooby Green? Pablo is huge in Scandinavia. Because you don't really need to grasp the language.

What a run this guy would do. Pablo would go, by the way, shout out to Pablo. If you want to do my podcast, I'd love to have you on. Obviously we won't trade. Let's do it during the 90 day stretch. I'm going to tell him I get for podcast, but I'll tell you later. I'm going to tell him my get for podcast. I'll tell you later. Write that down. You need a list, J.

He's right here. Pablo. Pablo is... What was I going to say? You want him on your podcast. He would do a $3 million run in Scandinavia. He was really big because he did these impressions. For those of you

who don't know Pablo, Pablo is a comic who is, and correct me if I'm wrong, and Wendy, please feel free to chime in. He's a guy that can go on stage and turn everything into an inside joke. Everything he does becomes an inside joke with you and them.

So, like, he'd do a joke like, uh, are you with Allstate? You'd recognize it. It wasn't necessarily a joke, but by the end of the night when he did it the seventh time, you're fucking howling laughing going like... You're an easy laugh, Bert. I'm a real easy laugh.

Yeah. But you laugh at things that aren't funny and make me laugh. You. You should be the handler. Not the machine, you're the handler. I could just go. Just laugh at crack addicts.

And you make them funny. The whole laugh. He would do these, he did a special, and he'd do these runs in Scandinavia, and he'd make like $3 million. Now, I mean, IRS don't listen to this like for real but like and just fucking be done for the year and then but they I would say and I'd say this to Judy or Robert

or anyone and I think this is the argument about Mitch when he jump in but like he would he's like myself I don't say no to a date when we started adding shows I probably don't say no to a date. When we started adding shows, I probably should have said no to Tuesday. I probably should have just done Sunday and Monday.

And Sagar and I had the conversation today. He was like, you should have not done Tuesday. That's where you start turning the corner and you go, this is becoming unhealthy. And I think Pablo has that gene too where he's like, why don't you just take the day off? I can't. I can't has that gene too. Why don't you just take the day off? I can't. I can't take any days off.

Yeah. Before he died. I was on that tour with him right before he passed away. And his explanation was he worked for so long where he couldn't get to work. He tried to work for so long, he couldn't get gigs. Hang on. I'm going to piss, and you tell him the story about when we, two weeks before he

died. Grab Doug's mic. Doug, you go piss. I'll tell the story about... Where are you going? The most beautiful bathroom in the world. So wait, so wait, so wait. Can I tell you that today I talked to Segura, and I was like,

I was like, this, by the way, this is hardcore secret telling but like, this is what I like about a podcast

in my opinion. The water feature in the background? Yeah. He was like, dude, you're, Segura was

pretty aggressive with me. He's like, you're fucking up, man. He's like, the money's going to be there tomorrow. Stop. Because I lose my voice with that video. And all I saw of that video was like, you seem burnt, man.

He's like, your voice is out. You're exhausted. He's like, you got to stop. And I was like, yeah, but you got to remember, I was making $3,000 a week fucking eight months ago. Eight a week fucking eight months ago. Eight months, not eight months ago. Eight months ago, I was making like whatever.

But like I looked at my Brea deal and I was making $3,000 a week the last time I did Brea. This time I did Brea, I had a door deal. So I go, of course, I want to add shows. Of course, I want to do every show. If people want to see me do stand-up, I want to do stand-up for them. But there's a fine line between being overworked and killing yourself.

No joke, and that sounds so silly, but like, legit dying and and what did Mitch say? We were on the tour with, co-headlining with Stephen Lynch. And he was working a lot because he had two agencies booking him.

Oh, my God. Bill Graham was booking the double tour, the co-headlining tour with Lynch. And it was Thursday, Friday, Saturdays. And then I'd fly back to Florida, Tampa. Saturdays and then I'd fly back to Florida, Tampa, and him and Lynn would cruise for the week until they picked me up on Thursday again or Wednesday to keep going. And then I'd get calls, we're doing a Wednesday show at University of Nebraska. Tommy Lee's there too, so they want to know if you guys want to hang. I mean, this is fucking crazy.

Did we get to the last, I was just pissing for a long, long time. He went into something that I'm telling about the Mitch quote. All right. We're talking about riding comics into the grave. So he had two agencies booking him. So any time that the college booking could get in there, they'd do it. And it was just too much. And we were talking about it while driving the motorhome to a gig

and he said he remembers a time when he couldn't work. And he doesn't want to not take work. When do you make enough money, Bert? Hold on. But he felt that life was like his life at the time was like an

upside down pyramid. Where he's at the bottom, at the point. like an upside-down pyramid. He's at the bottom at the point. And all these people above him. J. Lee! What? Don't get to that place. He asked me a question. I know, but...

It really was the answer to the question. It's a perfect example. But you hit your beat. Trust me. I've never been able to work at this club. I got offered one Sunday show at the tail end of a Phoenix trip. The feeling I get,

and I hope people understand this, the feeling I get when you called and you said, hey, we'd like to add another Sunday show. I think you even said, and we might be able to add Monday shows. Fuck it. I've never had that in my life. I've been doing stand-up for fucking nothing forever.

So the fact that the club that I love that I've never played at, that Attell did Skanks for the Memories at, wants me to add shows, that's a weird boost to your ego, where you end up saying it in conversations where it doesn't matter to anybody. I'm saying it to fucking Eric Grusin. We added shows to Comedy Works. I don't know what the fuck Comedy Works is, but if he did, he'd be like,

oh, that's really cool. The fine line is, how do you not die on the road? Well, you have a whole different thing going on. You have a house in L.A., which means you have a mortgage. You have kids that you have to put through college. So what's your nut? I come here or your house and I go, oh, this is actually really nice. Where I thought I lived really nice.

But I do because my shit's paid for. Dude, I've been talking to my buddy Tom about getting a compound. I want a compound. I want what you have. You won't be paid off until those kids are responsible for themselves. Yeah. I get to a place where I go, oh, I own it? My taxes are like $3,000 a year.

I can quit at any time. But I still don't. At some point, I'll get thyroid cancer or something. I think I'm getting thyroid cancer. You worry about college funds. I worry about, well, how is Bingo going to live when I die of cancer in three years? I've said,

you've said, I've all but ubered cancer to my front door. I've mentioned that to people five times. I've all but ubered cancer to my front door. Wendy, what's your insight on this? You've seen comics. Yeah, I've seen comics

like Mitch, you mean? Yeah. I mean, to me it's, and I know that I'm ultra clean in terms of drugs and alcohol, but it's really sad to watch. It was sad to watch. Sna mean, it was sad to watch. Snapple addict.

It's true. Diet Snapple. It's my one and only vice I've got left. Oh, that sucralose will kill you quicker than heroin. But it's sad. I don't think I ever saw Mitch present. Really? I don't think so.

I don't recall ever having a conversation with him where he was present. He was never present. Really? I don't think so. I don't recall ever having a conversation with him where he was present. He was never present. How about Greg? Absolutely. Greg, absolutely. He was present? More years and yeah. And yeah, very different. And maybe it was just the timing of all of that.

You know? Greg was a different type of person. Even when Hedberg was just a weed and alcohol guy, I didn't know him. Once we both went to headliner status, you don't see each other. Yeah, you don't see your friends anymore. But we were young kids starting out together, and we'd do acid, and we'd do mushrooms, and mostly just drink. But even then, he was still an introvert. He was very funny.

Together we could hang out, but out in public. But these guys, when we were talking about Pablo, when I left to piss. Oh, yeah. Where we talked about comics, you'd love to read a biography. Pablo, it's like the show Intervention heroin addicts

and pill poppers are the most boring I smoke fucking oxys and I inject them and they just lay around Pablo doesn't have an interesting life that you'd want to hear about. I would love to hear Pablo's life.

He hides in a room in the dark and he smokes crack or tries not to smoke crack. That's what I would assume. Oh, oh, I heard a story about him one time I won't share here, but it had to do with... Titty bar, fucking back room. Yeah, but I would love to... Okay, wait, okay, ready? Here's my question to you. Titty bar. Back room. I would love to... Okay, ready? Here's my question to you.

Pablo comes out with a Netflix special and it's titled No Impressions, Just Pablo. If he told the truth? If he told the truth about his life in a comedic way, I'd be fucking so into that.

Chaley, write down my Get podcast because we get to share gossip after this. By the way, Levity is going to fucking hate me for this. Why? Yeah, because they represent Pablo. You know, look, there's a lot of damage

management that you do when something like that happens, but part of me goes, no, no, no, no, no. You fucking... Own it! Yeah, you own it. You do Captain... What's the guy from Forrest Gump? Captain Dave? Captain Dan. You do Lieutenant Dan. You fucking sit there on top of the mask going,

fuck it! I'm doing the storm! Like, that's what I want Pablo to do. Is go, yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucking melt it down. When Becker and I picked up that transvestite hooker, and this is like kind of open mic days, and she was going to blow us both for $15, and then she robbed me, and we get into a big fist fight. We went the next night to open mic and told the story on stage. I would love for Pablo to do that.

I would love to hear his side of it I would love to hear his side of... I want to know his side of it. You know what I mean? It's Richard Pryor, but imagine if Richard Pryor didn't talk about what he went through. When people start hiding their drug use, that's when I don't trust them. If someone goes, hey, you want to get an eight ball? It's the guy that's sniffling going, yeah, I quit a long time ago, man, hey, I'm just hard up on my luck.

When they start lying, that's when you... That's the thing that I like. I think one of the things people go, I'm always going to tell you to be super honest about what I do. I'm never going to lie. Because once you start lying,

that's when everyone turns on you. That's when you go, oh, watch him. He's going to the bathroom, but my Xanax is in the bedroom. Just follow him. Make sure he doesn't take a right. I called out a chick who's a friend of the family's. She was an alcoholic. She is an

alcoholic. She was doing Xanax and drinking. And no one could figure out why she was getting so fucked up so quickly.. She was doing Xanax and drinking. And no one could figure out why she was getting so fucked up so quickly. And I called her out in front of everyone thinking that's how it works. Like, I do it to you, Chad. Like, I do it to Doug. I go, oh, you're doing Xanax. That's why you're so fucked up so quick.

And she fell apart and then started lying about my daughter. And then we ended up losing her as a friend because they were like, she's got a problem. I was like, yeah, but she should have just owned it and been like, yeah, that's what I did. I'm always pretty transparent about my partying. Andy's honest in that the day after, I'll go, sorry, I stole a lot of your Xanax. I went through your travel shelf and I stole a lot of your Xanax.

Yeah, but I don't do that that often. Yeah. You're eventually honest. Yeah, yeah. You're eventually honest. A moment of weakness followed by. Point being, there's the people that have to pretend, no, I've been clean for three years. And you go, you're bleeding out of your vein in your elbow.

clean for three years and you go, you're bleeding out of your vein in your elbow. I've kind of been awed. You guys have a lot of thought into this. When I do drugs, if I do a bump of cocaine, I'm hoping for a heart attack because I promised that I

won't kill myself, but I never once promised not to die of a heart attack. By the way, your wife's gentle shake of the head was my favorite part of the night. Just this. We'd get comment from her, but she doesn't speak a word of English. She's from the Dongling province of Longdong.

So I'm much hotter than you. So Pablo, he has Flip Schultz as his handler hashtag opening act. He's big in Scandinavia. So we're kind of shadowing his tour in Scandinavia where Pablo was just there. Pablo's coming there and they love him. And I kept goofing on him in my shows because I'm playing way smaller venues and I'd go

oh hey I heard you love Pablo Francisco one man one joke just goofing on him at the end of the tour we play Helsinki Finland and we pull into the hotel in downtown Helsinki Finland Finland, and we pull into the hotel in downtown Helsinki, Finland, and there's

a giant, I'm sure I've told this story, but I don't give a fuck, the size of a mall, Pablo, right across. Really? And I'm like, are you fucking kidding? This is like a 60-yard sign yeah 20 yards down oh Pablo and I'm like all right because I've been fucking with him through Sweden and Norway and just like goofing on they love the just lack of needing to know the English language I'm like you're fucking kidding me I'm like, you're fucking kidding me.

Pablo Picasso. It's a fucking art museum. But I was so beating on Pablo, which I love Pablo, but yeah, you fuck with people. I hope he's... Hang on, I'm not done. Okay. Go to the mall, which is next to the thing in a food court. Me and Bingo go to... We find a little tiny sushi place in the food court. And then look, this is Flip Schultz, who I haven't seen since.

I don't even know if he's in LA anymore. I have no idea, but he was opening for, he was the handler for Pablo. And I just see him in a random food court in Helsinki. That's the greatest. I love those moments where you go. Yes. I see a comic in a weird place. Flip Schultz had like nine comedy albums out,

and he had been doing stand-up for like four years. I know a few of those. By the way, Flip Schultz, shout out to Flip Schultz. He did my first website. Paid like $150. He put up my first website. Yeah, Flip Schultz. Love Flip Schultz. I schultz i just want i just want i remember going to miami and talking about flip and they were like they're like oh we

hate flip here i was like why and they're like he does his character shacky green and he won't... Skippy Green. Skippy Green, he won't leave character. So Flip would go into open mics in character and not talk to anyone as Flip. He'd be like, hi, how you doing? And they were like... This is going to be the podcast that gets me in trouble. I guarantee it. Listen, I love Pablo I haven't seen him in forever

but I'm sure his home life his biography would be and then he just retreated into a dark room with aluminum foil over all the windows obviously Pablo is probably listening to this he probably isn't, I don't think he's, I think he's oblivious to podcasts. No, no, no.

He's listening to this through radio waves that come through the aluminum foil, and then he doubles down the aluminum foil. They're talking about me. They're talking about me. What would you say to Pablo? I'm pretty sure somebody just pod called him. If you, if you had got, if you could get into Pablo's ear and say, this is what to do after that, that viral video.

How would you handle it? Oh, geez, that's a good question. But I love doing this. I love Ray Donovan-ing situations, and that's the get I got.

Because, yeah, you can come back. Fucking Trump is president. And it's so easy to watch how that happens. You fucking... You don't apologize, first of all. You don't say, I'm seeking treatment.

What would you do? That's not me. That's not who I am. I remember the first time we talked... That's the worst thing you can do. That's not me. That's not who I am. That's the worst thing you can do. That's the worst thing you can do. The first time we talked about this on the podcast, you attacked the lax

security for recording. I thought that was a pretty funny angle to go at. The what? The lax security in recording. Who are you allowing to record this shit? I was blaming the funny,

the, what's it called? Not the funny bone. No, you gotta let that rock. Sacramento improv. By the way, shout out to Wendy.

Wendy locks cell phones in bags when you do a show. Oh, the cigar thing. Yeah. But like, here's me.

If that's me, what was that? That was your cigars. No. Oh, yeah, here's me. If that's me. What was that? That was your cigars. No. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If that's me. My audience. I'm Richard Pryor.

I take it in. I take it head first. I already, not already, already laying it. I take it head first. Yeah, but where that kind of comic... I start off myself by going... He's not... He doesn't draw the audience that wants honesty.

They want a distraction. But he can. He totally can. He could. He could. After this many years, do you really think you could switch gears out of a character into yourself?

Yeah, every five minutes of the set, he just goes... Do you think Dice Clay could actually come out of a character and just... Yeah, every five minutes of the set he just goes... Do you think Dice Clay could actually come out of a character and just... Well, that's a different... That's the most elusive thing in my life is that Dice Clay is a character. Because I don't see him as a character. Bobcat Goldthwait is one of the names I can come up with that grooved out of a character into an actual human being.

By the way, I'll say this to Bobcat, who I think I'm friends with, way too late. I would have done it way earlier. Like, I remember watching him. We did Ontario together. Hey, this is the Burt kresher monday morning quarterback podcast yeah if i were him this is what i'd do i think when he burnt the couch he was saying goodbye to bobcat or he's like i'm done with this shit i saw that on tv the other day not as funny as i expected it to be no no no not at all really uncomfortable but he's such a good guy. He's such a great guy.

I would have definitely, like, I was ready to hear him be Bobcat. Like, be Bob way before he was Bob. Does that make sense? Yeah, but it was a progression. I guess you have to do that. I don't know.

I guess I'll start putting vests on. Like, like, like, I don't know. I guess I'll start putting vests on. Larry Cable became that guy, didn't he? Is that what you guys are talking about? Did Larry Cable the guy become Dan Whitney yet? No. Why Woody? Why Woody? Why fucking Woody?

Here we go. Here we go. How about this? How about this? Fucking dumb it down. Dan a lot. But I watched Dan's hour it was

good jokes they're good jokes and but like you watch him do some bits where you're like like when he did one bit where he was like

I don't believe in global warming if you ask me it's just the Lord telling you what the temperature should be and I was like it wasn't even a joke and they went fucking nuts

and I was like oh that's what it is to be successful dumb it down and just give joke. And they went fucking nuts. And I was like, oh, that's what it is to be successful. Dumb it down and just give them what they want. And fucking why overthink it? Why overthink it? If you said to me, okay, ready? I'll tell you why you overthink it.

Because you outspend yourself. You deficit. You go, oh, I'm going to be this big forever. And then you buy a bunch of dumb shit and you go oh I got to keep saying dumb shit but like if you said to me and answer for me okay answer for me

if I said to you you're Bert Kreischer in this scenario listen you're going to have a fantastic career 13 million dollars a year on the road. All I really need you to do is go on stage, take your shirt off,

talk about whatever you want to talk about for 45 minutes, and tell the machine story. Do you do it? Shaylee. Don't ask me. I'm not a comic. The answer is, do I have two kids and a fat mortgage in L.A., or do I have...

My mortgage is nothing. It's $2,500. But that's my point. But you're still you. Yeah, I mean, you're... How much money do you need? I think that was the original question. At what point do you go, I made enough money?

I don't understand. Guys like Howard Stern, why are you still fucking waking up at 4am? Because once you stop doing that, you die. I think, right? Joe Paterno? Joe Paterno stopped

covering up molestations and he literally died. It killed him. It broke his spirit. But Wheeler Walker Jr. is not going to be fucking Ben Hoffman anytime soon. No. Right. I mean, that's... But, like, if you said to me, like, Hey, man, all you got to do is cut your sleeves off your shirt and do whatever the fuck you want.

Maybe I'd do it. Right? Well, Pablo has an act. He's an act. He does voices. Sorry, I'm trying to get back to where we were. Pablo does voices, and for him to all of a sudden,

after 20-something years of comedy, doing the, I'm the guy, and I do this voice, and then go, hey, I'm just going to come clean with you. I was a crack addict for fucking 20 years i would i'd pay money to see that i would want to see it but could he do

it he's high when people hide their shit that yeah we're we go out on stage as what we are that's the thing is that someone said someone goes so you burnt offstage as you are onstage? Oh, it's the same, same, same. Like, I'm the same, same. Like, if you hang out with me, I am who I am onstage, offstage. And to the point where I don't even think, like, I really don't. If we're going to be real honest about this, I don't even know if I write jokes. I think I just tell people secrets sometimes.

And I just go, oh, you can't go to bed without drugs or alcohol. And I just go, you can't go to bed without drugs or alcohol. Hey, you know what? If you're a long-time listener of the Burt Kreischer podcast, Can I get another cocktail, Tracy, please? She fucked Ivor Glass and ruined his marriage. Oh, fuck me. No, no, I didn't do this setup. Years ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Oh, that's great. That was good. That was fucking brilliant. Doug, that was fucking brilliant. See, I would never want to change you from what you are on stage, but sometimes I look at me and I go, I should just change me.

Like, I should be more, like, I should just dumb it down. Yeah, but I know, I go, what the fuck? Like, why am I overthinking it? That's a personal thing yeah but I know I go what the fuck like like why am I overthinking it that's my whole thing about comedy I have this you talked about this on one of your podcasts where you go

I'm out of stories like do it cause now you're a guy and you the machine and all that shit you've bled it and now you're just a guy that has kids, and I'm a fucking boring guy that

lives in a small town. I don't do anything. I don't leave my house. I respect Ron White more than ever because he stopped telling Tater Salad. And by the way, I'm not saying that I'm not going to tell the machine story again. You still tell the machine story? Every fucking show.

Every... Because here's my point, okay? I said this on stage the other night. What? I had a bit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A face bit that I did for 11 years. Yeah. It fucking

killed every night. And I had to do it. This is the ending of every porno is the short version. And I had to do it. This is the ending of every porno is the short version. And I'd shake up a bottle and make it like a perfect shot in the face. And it fucking killed. And it took me like

11 years. It was fucking beautiful every time he did it too. I watched Ron White the other night on stage. I didn't pay for tickets. I got to watch him for free. But I will be dead serious.

If he had said, if he had said, I got kicked out of a bar one time, I would have fucking lit up inside. I want to hear that story. Absolutely. So as a fan, I go, I understand that if you bought tickets to me and I stay when I was 22, I'm part of the Russian Mafia, that you light up.

And I understand that's very recent. It's not like 10 years old. It just happened this year that everyone found that story. So part of me says it is my onus to tell that story. Is it on a special? Yeah. Filmed? Yep. my onus to tell that story. Is it on a special? Yeah.

Filmed? Yep. Because I had to do that even after I gave it up, even though I never get paid for that special. That's a fucking Kevin Booth thing. By the way, I definitely want to talk about what this is, because I heard you guys talk about this. I want to do a series of productions

through All Things Comedy where we re-record our old specials. Write it down. Write it down. Wait, wait, wait, what? Kevin Booth? No refunds.

Oh, yeah, but I pod called him about that. Yeah, and so I want to do my first special and I want to rewrite it but I want to do that material again. I want to go through that material. I want to do my first special, and I want to rewrite it, but I want to do that material again. I want to go through that material.

I want to rewrite it as a comic I am today and redo it and then put it out there, and then I get all the money for that. This is what I pod called you about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm only complimenting you on this because this was your idea. A certain company owns no refunds. Which is one of my better specials. Arguably.

It's the one that... It's the reason I know Johnny Depp and Marilyn Manson because... Is no refunds shot at Gotham? Yeah. Yeah, through a certain company. Another company. That won't fucking release it to me. So I want to set precedent.

I'm getting in so much trouble for this fucking podcast. I already talked about this on my podcast. Let's discuss this after... What time are we at? Yeah, no, we're at 2.40?

2.11. Oh, 2.11. Not bad. Yeah, but we're not going to reach the record. I think they made steaks. By the way, should we eat and then finish this up? The steaks are in progress. You can eat here.

You just don't talk. Can't you eat in podcasts? I don't eat much anymore. I go, oh, we should leave because all the people that live here went to bed. When you went to bed? Oh, okay. No, I didn't know they were making steaks.

Joby jumped right in. He's on the steak grill. Oh, that's right. Sorry. You leave at 7 a.m. tomorrow? Yeah. Holy fuck. You're a fucking monster.

This is a side note. I'm not already packed. Are you at the condo? No. No. I'm at some packed. Are you at the condo? No. I'm at some hotel, the Curtis. I banged some girl in that condo the one time that Wendy booked me here, and I have a picture of what I was going through, my old photos for my book, and I'm just like, I need pictures, and I found one photo,

and I go, I think that's the Denver Comedy Works condo, and I'm sitting next to a girl I'd never remember, and I'm not sure that it's the condo. And you go, oh, how many girls show up 20 years later, and I don't know that we fucked in a weird condo? There's a girl that had a threesome with my feature act in Houston who just lost everything. And then he was like, her name's Renee, I think. No, the comic. Did the threesome get flooded out?

It's Renee, I think. Chad Zumach. Renee, I think. Now. Chad Zumach. Chad Zumach. And then he, like, texted me. He was like, hey, man, this is the girl I had a threesome with. She lost everything. Can you help her out?

I was like, you fucked her. I didn't do anything. Oh, I got that same tweet. Oh, yeah, yeah. The brunette lady with the two little kids. I was still drunk. Wait, I saw that a bunch of times on Twitter. How many people did she fuck?

She looks kind of hot. Yeah, go fund me for a three-way flood survivor. Listen, hit this solid jig up. There's a fucking single mom that throws around threesomes. I'm probably not, but on the 14th of September, this year of our Lord, 2017, I'm scheduled to play the Houston Improv. And I text, listen to this, Bert. I text Brian Hennigan, my agent guy, and he's at Burning Man. Oh, is he at Burning Man too?

yeah he's in the camp next door to him him and Duncan Trussell are at the next door that's why they're all fucking I saw Hennigan's insta stories and I was like wait why is he with Duncan? they're watching a movie yeah well listen Bert listen to me Hennigan I text him because we're watching CNN

and I say him because we're watching CNN, and I say, hey, are we even doing a Houston gig? And he texts back, it's already booked. I go, I know it's already booked. I mean, because the hurricane. He's in fucking Burning Man. He has no idea what's going on. There's 500 seats, but they're down the block. Houston Improv, I think it's fine.

A lot of guys are going to... This is how mercenary Hennigan is. He takes back, he goes, Oh, I see, the hurricane. He says, Well, I emailed them today about ticket counts. Yeah. And they didn't say anything about it being canceled.

I go, you shouldn't be emailing today. What are our ticket counts? Where everyone's fucking dying and being drug up by motorboats. Well, we've got 180 floating. And then there's definitely 100 people sitting in the balconies. And again, Joel Osteen. The only two people completely clueless about Houston. This is a fucking Katrina. Don't waste your thoughts and prayers because the guys who do them in fucking Houston aren't even worried.

Yeah, Joel Osteen. Yeah, well, I think they're closed tonight. It's a Tuesday. Tuesday. Closed a Tuesday. Tuesday. Closed for remodeling. Wouldn't it be funny? Because, you know, you work improvs and funny bones, and they're all in these fake mini Truman Show cities

that are on the outskirts of Perrysburg, Ohio. Perrysburg, Ohio. Perrysburg, Ohio is a piece of shit. Stop. Perrysburg. Dayton, Ohio is a piece of shit. Stop. Perrysburg. Dayton, Ohio is a piece of shit. But they have this little suburb where they make a fake town full of P.F. Changs and cheesecake factories and improvs. Wouldn't it be funny on the off nights when there's no improv if they turned that into ghetto?

Into what? Flash dance and shit. Oh, yeah? If they just boarded ghetto. Into what? Flash dance and shit. Oh, yeah? If they just boarded up all the windows. And they sell crack on Monday, Tuesday. Because it only comes alive Wednesday through Sunday. They let you riot in those towns on the off nights. They're like, we're dead on Mondays.

What, you guys want to riot? Riots through Thursday. We've got Koreans on the tops of the stores shooting you. It's like Civil War reenactments. Black Lives Matter versus fucking white supremacists on Monday and Tuesday. Are you putting that on the grill? What's that? I think I'm getting punched.

It's done. On the way here today, there was a big billboard, and it was anti-mosquito billboard. And it said, fight the bite. And Jenny noticed. And it said, fight the bite. And Jenny noticed it. She goes, fight the bite? What is that? And I go, hey, don't talk about that. That's white supremacist low-down code speech.

White supremacist. So when we went through the Border Patrol checkpoint, which was right after, I was still feeling punchy. And I wanted to tell, fight the bite. But I had weed in my pocket, and I didn't want him to pull me over, so I just mumbled it up. Fight the bite. Never mind.

Bert has been doing, you just did, what did you say, two weeks or a week? 12 shows. Yeah, 12 shows in six days. I'd have to say here that you earned the machine title just on the number of shows you do. We did 20 shows in three weeks, but driving every day to a different show. I would like to do that. I would rather do that than what I did. You could do that easily.

I can't understand how you do two shows in a night. It kills me a little bit. I feel like I'm not doing a great job because the first show, I think people would think it's good, but I just, uh, I'm anticipating the next show. I'm already like, you know, I never

wanted to do theaters. I never wanted to do theaters. Now I kind of do because I go, it would be nice to go do a theater. And by the way, I'm doing like an hour and 20 minutes a show, so it would be nice to do theaters now i kind of do because i go it would be nice to go do a theater and by the way i'm doing like an hour and 20 minutes a show so it would be nice to do a theater do all my new material work on my new material and then do the machine story and be like i'm done meet and greet one meet and greet one meet and greet would be fucking nice and just spend your night and go, I'm done. This is stuff that I wanted to write that down. Meet and greet and the podcast that had us transfixed where we stopped to piss or something. And I'm making everyone hurry so we can get back to your podcast is when you were doing that thing about the casino.

And you were all going to reveal your guarantee. Jay Oakerson was the... Oh, yeah, yeah. We got in a lot of trouble about that. You told me you got in some shit. We got in a lot of trouble about that. Yeah, they never got to it, right? No, they did get to it, but there was confusion over which Oklahoma casino.

We said two casinos. We said Colusa and the one it was, Cherokee. But Colusa heard it and was like, and we said it so interchangeably that they're like, did they just say our casino's paying them that much? By the way, I'm making more at Colusa. No offense.

So it was the gal at Colusa. I was like, she doesn't care. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she didn't care. And she was cool. No, no, no, the girl at Cherokee. We're didn't care. And she was cool. No, no, no. The girl at Cherokee. We're doing this again.

The point being, I want to talk to you. Hennigan, you haven't done Australia yet, right? I'm there. This podcast is going out next week. Please listen. I'm there this week. Australia, you've got to go see the machine. Sydney, Melbourne.

Perth. Perth and Brisbane. It's fantastic. Are we swap cafe? Are you guys releasing this this week? Yeah. When you do it, we drop it. Tuesday night.

We'll release it Tuesday night. Yeah. We don't work for guarantees, but I really't work for guarantees. But I really, and I've said this before on my podcast, any one of our circle, Burr, well, Rogan doesn't. Yeah, he's in a different stratosphere. He's doing 6,000 seaters now. But I remember when Rogan was lazy and he'd go, I just take whatever the fucking club pays.

So many comics are lazy. They just let's swap fucking numbers. So people know what they're making. What? Wait, what? Give him a mic. It's not the same as what they were doing. You were...

I know, but it made me think. I've said for years. But you brought this in on what they were talking about, the casinos and announcing and all that. That casino's a guarantee. But what Doug is saying is, like, comics should talk amongst each other. Ari, me, and Segura. And Joe. But Joe's so far beyond

what I would ever make, but Ari, me, and Segura are totally transparent. We tell each other what we make to the point where I have to not let clubs where I'm trying to renegotiate know that I already know

what they pay other people. I end up going like, I can't go to a club and go, I know what they pay other people. I end up going like, I can't go to a club and go, I know what you pay Segura. But you use that as leverage. The difference is what we make as door deals versus what you get as guarantee

and think, oh, this is... Okay, let's talk about this then. I can't do it on the podcast. That's what I'm saying. Don't do it like you podcast. That's what I'm saying. Don't do it like you guys. Do it together. Any comic that's headlining and doing what you do,

I'll tell you what I do. He plays these shitty clubs. Well, hey, listen for a minute. Really? Yes. Anyone on our level. This is going to drive you nuts. This is going to drive you nuts This is going to drive you nuts

Barry Katz Mark is saying just what you just said No, there's no Mark This is his swap cast So there was a theater that I got offered Who's Barry Katz? He's a comedy manager I did that for the listener

He's a comedy manager He was my comedy manager for a long time He did a comedy manager. He's a comedy manager. I did that for the listener. He's a comedy manager. He was my comedy manager for a long time. He did a bet with Doug. Jay Moore? Jay Moore, yeah. He did a bet with Doug that Dane Cook would be him. Would you say that Judy Brown is a lateral move? Stop.

No. I'll stop when I get the rights back to no refunds. I'll stop when I get the rights back to no refunds. I'll back off. But if we get sober for 90 days, I'm going to be a fucking vicious person. Most of Doug's diplomacy comes from alcohol. Yes. Most of Doug's diplomacy comes from alcohol. Write that down too.

Barry Katz said... I don't even know. Everyone said something. What am I writing down? He was like, I think that... He goes, I think you're getting fucked on these deals

because I think you can get the venue. And he goes, I know your agents and managers don't want to hear this, but you can get the venue and then you can get the door and then you don't have to go through these companies that hire the venue. So like can get the door and then you don't have to go through these companies

that hire the venue. So like the Vic is a perfect example. My deal for the Vic was a shit deal. I know the end of this story for me is you don't have to go through Barry Katz. That's your version. Direct to market. His ending is going to be

and you only have to go through Barry Katz. Yeah. I wish, but, okay. I wish there was a way to say this that it made sense. How do you do this? How do you do this? How do you do what you're saying and not become, Like, okay. A pariah?

Yeah, like how did... No, but not you. You're different than everyone else. But like, you're Doug Stanhope. So when you decide to go do these brown ticket, brown paper bag... Brown paper tickets. Brown paper tickets,

and you do what you do, everyone goes, fuck yeah, Stanhope's fucking the system. When I do it, they're like, oh, what's wrong with Bert? It becomes almost like a pariah system. Well, you brought that up on a podcast that we listened to where you said, oh, well, Netflix won't pay attention unless you move up to theaters,

which I never thought about, but I don't care. Yeah, but you don't care. You were talking perception in the market. For my agents and managers, it's about a story. What story do we tell? So the story they told about Denver, Burt Kreischer came in on a Sunday, didn't expect to have a sale on a Sunday,

sold out the week into Tuesday night, two shows a night clean. That's the story of the buyers. I know you know this conversation that you've had with managers. I've never had that conversation. He doesn't. I've never thought about it until you said it on one of your podcasts. Really?

Where Netflix, unless you're in a theater, where I eschew, which is a big word that I don't even remember the small word for it. I hate fucking watching stand-up specials in a theater because the fucking timing's all wrong. I want to see Norton at the Comedy Cellar. I don't want to hear giant rounds of applause that fuck up his timing.

I know how funny he is, and if he's in a theater that fucks up the timing. I don't want to see David Tell in a blazer. That's my truth. I want to see him in a... Wait, the car or the garment? The garment.

Sorry. By the way, David Tell is the only one I could think of that is a comic that doesn't have a podcast that should. Oh. Call it Dave Attell at 3 a.m.? Yours was so good with him. Tracy and I were driving to New York on the tour, the beginning of the tour, and we actually, when you were talking about Leanne having, like, code words,

like clips from the thing that you guys, like, some of you aren't going to get it or whatever you said. I go, Tracy, get on iTunes and we bought Skanks for the Memories right there

because I spent so long and then we just did the next hour for that. You did one podcast where you're looking at, it was a live podcast where you're looking at each other's phones

to see their recent Google searches. Well, today. By the way, you can do that with me in a hard book. You can do that with me right now. Today, or in the last two days, today has been a long day. I searched something about you, and it came up. Bert Kreischer's wife.

The first thing that comes up about me is they want to know what Leanne looks like. I wanted to know too because I don't remember what she looks like. Old. I think Tracy's going to hit you. No, I love her. Because I remember that day.

She doesn't know how to get a podcast. Yeah, that's my favorite bit ever is go through my Google searches and ask me any question about anything here. You ready? I love this. Come on, idiots. I know how to erase.

I was going to ask history. There's one, one time I, I, I did porn on a cell phone. I'm sure it's more than once, but a couple times, but I rarely... I won't watch anything. Someone

sends me a YouTube clip. Yeah, yeah, you don't watch anything. Send it to my email. Just flow through. Read the tops. I don't want to put my fingerprints on that phone. No, no, no. Here, here, here. Just hold this. This is like Chad Shag fucking Montel. And you can scroll through like this. I wish we could tell that story to other people. Tell me anything you want to.

Just read the top. And just go, like, hey Bert. And I'll just inform you. These are all open webpages. Yeah, that's my searches. Is this how you guys do that? That's how I do it. So I'm just going to swing down.

Because you obviously don't know how to clear this. Yeah. Or use private browser. By the way, you can see my... I'm Google search. How do I clear this on Android? Shelly just almost got my Libsyn. I can't do it.

No, no, no. You can do it like this. Go to air. And just stay there. I get it. And go like... Oh, just look at the top. Yeah, look at the top.

All right. Well... Those are my Google numbers. Those are my Libsyn numbers. Hit it. All right. Hit it. Oh, I got to bring it down.

I can't see even the numbers. That's a spike. Bert is highly aware now. Since Bert's been doing this on his podcast. Nope, nope, nope. Hold on, hold on. You're meeting a genuine version of me. The Lipson sign.

You're meeting a genuine version of me. This is what I do in my fucking closet where no one sees it. I know, but you have to be aware since you've done it on the podcast. I'm looking at my phone right now just to see what would happen. You donated $100 to the Hurricane Harvey Relief Fund. Yep.

That's the girl that had the threesome. When? That's the girl. Oh, shit. I didn't mean to be so on the nose. Just stay in the group. I know, but I read the lips in and you already timed out. It was your login because you were checking out how popular you are. We already know how popular you are.

There's snakes in there somewhere. This podcast just jumped the shark. The secure, continuous, remote, alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet blues. Who's that? Yeah, we're trying to get an ankle bracelet for that challenge. But I think you're right. I think you just – If there's no honor, then there's no bet.

Andy's here. He can get you an ankle bracelet. I like the idea of betting in order to do something positive because I don't give a fuck and I won't do anything positive. So if we bet on something, I can't bet a lot of money, but I'll do something for the principle of it. But other than that, I don't care. If you do it naked and afraid style, not eaten by ants, but in a place where they know you can't get alcohol.

I've always said the best way to quit smoking, quit heroin, quit crack, is to be in a place where you can't get heroin crack. Well, that's the easiest way. You don't need an ankle bracelet. Here's one. Justin Bieber nude photos posted on Selena Gomez's Instagram. All right. I had a period of time where I was trying to figure out when it was okay to jack off to Selena Gomez. I was like, she's so hot, but she's still young.

Actually, that's three pages ago. That must have been last night. That was the one that was last night. Jerk off to stuff that soft. Selena Gomez is so fucking hot. Why English to Mandarin? Why are you doing a Google search? He's going to Singapore.

So I wanted to do a read. So I did all my Twitter posts in Mandarin. How's that working out for you? Not good. Not good. With the 200 people that bought tickets are not favoriting those tweets. You're expats in Singapore.

We don't read Mandarin. What are you, crazy? I didn't know. This is interesting because I heard the podcast. We don't read Mandarin. What are you, crazy? I didn't know this. This is interesting because I heard the podcast. We all did and I didn't know this is what you did.

I love it. This is a live one. Yeah. It really gives you an insight to people. There was a couple ones that they didn't read that they showed me

and I was like, it was like, nude pictures of Justin Bieber on Selena Gomez. Nah. They were about Amy Schumer. All right, keep going. I am fucking busted.

We probably should maybe eat because the food is ready. Oh, yeah, we should. Should we eat and then maybe jump in the pool? I was going to go into some Amy Schumer shit that I shouldn't. Ooh, talk, talk. No, I've been riffing a thing. I left you a voice message about this because you talked about some kind of thing that happened to your wife where she got her ass grabbed and you tried to def... Yeah.

Oh, that was a... And I called you. I go, I'm doing... I have like an 87-minute rape bit right bit that I'm trying to chop down by five. And it should be left exactly the way it is, an 87-minute rape bit. Well, there's one bit that you had talked about on a podcast when we were BurtCast binging. And I go, I just want you to know how you get panicked about I didn't steal this from you. All our girlfriends were,

you guys were at a bar, and all the girlfriends were defending her, and you're like, hold on now. I was like, that's not rape, guys. It's not sexual assault. It's just a guy being a dick. Can I tell you a crazy thing? As long as you don't step on the bit I'm already doing that I thought

I stole from you. Leanne wants Georgia at the school. As long as you don't step on the bit I'm already doing that I thought I stole from you. Georgia. They want Georgia. Leanne wants Georgia at the school. Your kid. Yeah. My oldest. And there's a I'd grab that ass any day. They do this thing at this new school where they sit the white kids down.

Wait, is that the one with the mustard in her hands or not? No, not. That's how you can tell which is which. That's how. The mustard hands are not that line. Please don't forget where you are because they sit the white kids down. The white kids sit on the floor.

Criss-cross applesauce. and then the kids of color stand on chairs and shout racial slurs at them. Just let them know what oppression feels like. So they yell words of oppression to the white kids. And my wife's such a fucking... Where was this? Yeah, this is in L.A. That's fucked up. And Liam's like, nah, fuck yourself.

That's not happening to my kid. And they were like, well, it's racist if you don't allow... If you don't participate. And Liam's like, go fuck yourself. And then the next semester, the girls do it to the boys. So it starts with, yeah, right?

And I was like, oh. I said it last night. I don't think anyone believed me. They were like, that's impossible. But yeah, that's happening in Georgia's high school. I'm so glad my kids are grown. That's high school? I could never deal with that.

Yeah. All right. Let's go eat steak because now I'm going to go on a fucking tirade about you should homeschool your fucking kids. Let's eat steak and then we'll make a jump in the pool. You don't have kids. You don't want them at home all the fucking time. You want to get rid of them so much. Let's not get political. You don't want that though.

That's ridiculous. This guy's got a flight. Bert Krasher has a flight. My son was in I think maybe fourth grade or so. They told me they were taking him up on a hike. Right before he started doing coke and smoking with him. Well, I didn't do coke with him until they were of age.

I don't know what age is to do coke. It's the coke age. When they didn't live in my house anymore, that's of age. You can do as much blow as you want. But when he was in fourth grade fourth grade or so they took him on a hike and they and i had assigned permission slips to go on this hike and he was excited about it was a big accomplishment like a 14 mile hike and he went and he comes back and uh how was your hike son he's like man they uh well we we got about halfway through the hike, Dad, and we came across an illegal immigrant camp.

And they made us clean it up before we could eat lunch. And I fucking lost my shit. I was like 100 miles an hour down to the school, and I fucking went in and threw open the door, and I'm yelling. And I'm the only one there. Nobody else is outraged and I'm like what the fuck did you guys how did you guys make these little kids clean up an illegal immigrant camp did you

before lunch did you have gloves for them and they're well well no it wasn't something we planned on doing we just came across it and we thought it would be a good deed for Earth Day and I was like alright well my son cleaned up some women's panties. Do you know the health of the woman who changed her panties in the mountain before, you know?

The woman that hiked 19 miles. Well, no, we didn't do that. All right, well, did you have... And she will hike 19 miles. Did you have, like, Purell for them before they could eat? Because you made them clean this up before lunch. No, they put no forethought into that shit at all. No, none.

They were so fucking ashamed. They had their head down. I'm like, this is fucking ridiculous to do this. Yeah, I can't imagine. Wendy, come on out. Wendy's waving a sign. Help us close this up, Wendy. How do we close this up, Wendy?

We're at two hours and 37 minutes. Yeah. Comedy Works Denver, also in Greenwood Village, two of the most amazing comedy clubs in the country. Oh, you have two now? Wow, you've grown since you don't book me and hate me. I don't know. How do you think that I built this? Oh.

Oh. I still can't believe you don't party. You know why? Because. Hang on. Have you ever slept with a comedian? No. Hold on.

Wendy. Never? Never. I would have definitely had that shrapnel in my life. Never. Have you ever slept with someone who is funny? Probably not. How about that?

If you had to sleep with one comedian, who would it be? Dead or alive. Dead or alive. Dead or alive. I was going to say the same thing. Not when they're dead. Dead or alive. Maybe it alive. Dead or alive. I was going to say the same thing. Not when they're dead. Dead or alive. Maybe it would be Geraldo.

Really? Mm-hmm. Oh, I wish he was alive to hear that. Sexy and brilliant. Brilliant mind. Brilliant comedic mind. I think he was a great guy. Okay.

Comedian that tried to sleep with you that you were repulsed by? Nobody. Come on. You guys, I'm so dead serious in that I never The club's 36 years old. But I never took it. I never let anything like that. I just, no, I just never. Who made you watch him

masturbate? Nobody. Because when everybody was partying... Did anyone ever lock you in a room and make you watch the masturbation? No. So you haven't had any here? Oh my god. I know who you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stand up. Oh my gosh. I've heard those stories. If I start masturbating, will you throw me out? Man, I don't want to watch that again. No, but we don't let you do that pool. It's like the machine bit with the shirt off.

That's me. Me masturbating in front of you is watching him do the machine with his shirt off again. Yeah, what responsibility do you have to give comics that aren't funny but are different than white men? Like, you know white men are the only ones that are funny. Like, so what responsibility do you feel like you have to give to like, when you look at your calendar, you're like, I got a book, five females, a lesbian, a black dude.

Nope. I don't. You just book funny. Bert, we do this, and I hope you start doing this. I will. Hennigan starts it. Hennigan likes stories of the worst, the best, the most fucked up. the worst, the best, the most fucked up.

When you play a funny bone or an improv, there's always a server that's assigned to the green room. Yeah. And we always ask now, who's the biggest diva prick fucking asshole that needs... The worst person that the server has to deal with in the green room, so I would ask you this. You'd ask a business person this question. Not as a comic on stage, but in

the green room who demands the most that you because you still book people that you don't book anymore. I'll give you that caveat. That's hard to say. There's been very few. I don't like those. I'll give you that caveat. That's hard to say. There's been, I mean, there's very few.

Like, I don't like those big writers because I'm like, I don't want to watch. Very few means you have one. Give us a name. Oh, it could be.

But, but like, because I don't, I don't like food to go to waste and things like that. I want to give it to the homeless. I mean, I live across the street from the park.

I'm constantly feeding the homeless, but. Throwing tater tots over your gated community wall. No, I take baths, lunches out, and things to them. But I, but... Throwing tater tots over your gated community wall. With green chiles. Lunches out and things to them, but I... Snot rocketing out of the pool over the fence. Take that, homeless!

Stop that. Oh, my burger just fell in the chlorine. I'm definitely getting in your pool, by the way, Wendy. I'm definitely getting in your pool. I brought my Speedo. Did you really? Yeah. Oh, good. You're gonna wear fucking clothes in there? We're jumping in there naked. Naked pool party?

That's what we usually do. We usually get naked. That's starting very soon. These guys are just going to call it a bath, just so you know. Sweet, sweet. Who is it? I don't know if I can think of it. There's just so few. There's so few that I even pay attention to the writer.

I just go, no, we're not putting that on the writer. What do they want? One, I've got a restaurant in the South Club. So I'll name a name. Just all you have to say is writer or no writer, okay? Oh, Eddie Griffin. That was retarded. That was a retarded writer.

When we started asking, that's Eddie Griffin. Someone tried to pick him up at the airport in a white car. I ain't driving a white car. Fuck. Really? No, no. Paul Mooney's... It's usually... The top three are two black guys. The Wayans brothers are big rider guys.

Oh, it's... I can't... I don't know which one that would be. Oh, no, no. I'm sorry. It's Mike Epps. The big rider guy. Oh, yeah. Mike Epps is we always get. Yeah. Harry Spears? But one of the weigh-ins we get, but the white guys, Pauly Shore. One time it was Screech was.

Screech had a rider? No. No, just being assholes about. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For a server. Why would Screech be an asshole? Julio. Not tipping.

Asking a lot, not tipping. By the way, I forget to tip every fucking time. I get Tracy. I just do because I drink. So by the end of the week, last night, I had the same server all weekend

and I said to her, I said, have I tipped you? She said, you have not. And I went, I am so sorry and I gave her a hundred bucks. I was like, I'm fucking sorry. I'm horrible about it. I do forget it. You do a weight step raffle.

I do a weight step raffle. You should start doing that. You got the corner on that now. Pick up your act a little bit. Come on, guys. I can barely remember my fucking new material. I kind of think, you guys, that honestly that, because

we hear so many stories about how cool we are, the staff, the accommodations, you know, it's no secret that I've got the coolest fucking condos in the country, hands down.

And I own them. They should have a guest book so I can remember the girl I fucked there years ago. Dang it! She's probably still going there. I have a picture, but I don't remember it. But we have so many people that

are so grateful to be there that have heard the stories about the club, that want to play the club. And then they... God, I sound... I'm going to lose my humility. No, no, no. Everyone says this about you,

and that's when I thought you hated me. I go, yeah, they think they're cooler than they are because you don't book them back. Do you really think that? Oh, yeah. Do you really think that? I don't know. We tried to do a call-and-send-to-work show, and Doug's first thing was that Wendy doesn't like me, she won't book back. Do you really think that? Oh, yeah. Do you really think that? I don't know. We tried to do a call and say at the work show,

and Doug's first thing was that Wendy doesn't like me. She hates me. She won't book me. And I was like, let me reach out. I think Heidi called you, and you were like, I'd love to do that. And then I wrote back. I was like, they'd love to do it.

Wait, are you the guy that did the Dave Stroop negotiation? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I just worked Dave Stroop's club. I just saw him for the first time. Holy cow. You need to start doing an intervention with anybody that hates Stanhope.

Yeah. You are a perceived hate, but Dave Stroop actually had a piece. You better start canceling some other shit. That's more than a 90-day password. Dude, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a full-time job. Stroop has been a work in progress.

I've been talking to Strorupe about Doug for fucking years we hugged it out before we said a word yeah two nights ago that's great you just did it? yeah Columbus I went to dinner with Strupe one morning

and he was like I didn't know you guys had that beef and we went through and talked. Yup. And so, uh, we, and so we talked about it. I go, I go, man, it's like, it's like Ari. Like I, like Ari, I defend Ari. Ari can say things in like, it's like no filter.

Like he just says things. Why? Idiot. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nice teeth. Idiot he just says things. Why? Idiot! Oh, yeah. Yeah, nice teeth, idiot. To my daughter. My daughter has a broken jaw and fell, and so she has fucked up teeth.

And I posted a picture of us in Hawaii, and Ari's just like, we have no teeth, idiot. And then all these fucking people. The picture looked like she had lost her baby teeth, and he didn't know that you don't lose your baby teeth when you're 40. And, by the way, Leanne fucking lost her shit and was like, I am not friends with Ari. I will never be friends with Ari.

And was like, Ari's dead to me. Ari was oblivious to the fact that it upset her. And then I had to delete the photo, and then Ari came over, and Leanne's like, he can't walk through our front door he's got to walk through he's coming back to gate yeah i'm not gonna say hi to him i'm not gonna speak to him and i don't yeah how's he getting in and uh i still haven't really brokered that deal what yeah i know no really i will i will broker that deal i will do that when i tell your kids there's no fucking Tooth Fairy, which would be a segue. But can you then go, there's no Tooth Fairy, there's no Santa Claus, but the Easter Bunny's real.

Santa Claus is the closer. I go from the teeth and Ari into the Tooth Fairy. I slam the mic down on Santa Claus. I leave the house. Do you realize it could be pay-per-view? John Stanhope tells two children there's no Santa Claus. That's going to be devastating for the aftermath that you have to deal with,

so I can talk to you about some smooth lies to tell to smooth over his truth. Seriously, I remember the moment sitting on the couch where my parents told us there was no Santa Claus. And I felt like an idiot. But I still remember it. That's a memory.

And you're doing it funny, but they're going to remember that forever. Dude, well, it's either I do it and they go, my dad's a liar, or Doug does it, and I just kind of pass by in the background. Yeah, I think you make him the bad guy. But I don't... I remember

learning from older kids. I was the oldest in my family of two, but we kind of learned at school from older kids that had older brothers and sisters or whatever. Isn't that how we all learned about it? Georgia asked me about it and I said, yeah. I said, that girl's parents aren't together. Santa Claus doesn't go to parents that get divorced.

We've really led into this a lot. We've really leaned into the Santa Claus fucking lie. I was six when my parents got divorced and my mother went to Alcoholics Anonymous. There was not a lot of bullshit about Santa Claus at that point. I want to hear Doug Stanhope's speech to Georgia.

It would be great if it started off like this. All right, Georgia and Isla. It starts like this. Okay. I am Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now in a small cave, half lit. Okay. Halloween lighting, uplight, flashlight over my face in a dark cave. That's how it starts.

Okay. And then what do you say? I don't know. I'm focusing on the loving. I like the lead-in of, I was six when my parents got divorced. When my kids were starting to figure out what was going on, because we, well, for one thing,

I realized at some point that the kids got Christmas vacation, and for like two weeks I had a closet full of secret toys that I would hide from them for two weeks while they were out of school, and then I would give them to them and they would play with them for three days and then go back to school. So I was like, fuck that, I'm changing the rules. So I just started telling them, Christmas is the day you guys

get out of school is Christmas and I would tell them and the way I broke it down is I said you know how you guys were wondering about how Santa Claus can really go everywhere in one night you guys are too smart you know that he can't

do that so what he does is he schedules ahead of time with other people so that he makes a lot of previous stops before christmas so our christmas is on december 17th when you guys have fucking christmas break and that way for the entire christmas break they could be occupied with toys instead of being assholes while i had distractions hidden in the closet. That's better than my lie. I told Georgia that Jesus and Santa were brothers. And when the Jews killed Jesus,

Santa fucking hid out. Jesus Christ. I thought my kids were dumb. Why don't you meet someone else and tell them the truth? Why don't you just rape them so they grow up better? Holy. Oh, my God.

He's free next week. Oh, my God. Well, I did have a fallout. Thank God I filled it today. Holy shit. I trusted my dad. I mean, it's just right. I know he's wrong.

As probably within about 30 minutes of being here, by the way. Okay. At 10. Oh, five. Rob said they were less than an hour away. Oh, yeah. James is coming here. I've always said his name is... Oh, I'm fucking drunk. Okay, this is...

Well, no, no, we shouldn't... You told a story, and I love you for always mentioning my name on the podcast. But you told a story, which, of course, you did a misdeed in the details, as we do, about Ron White. as we do, about Ron White. You talked about Ron White and how he's like, yeah, I buy a lot of material from really funny comics, and what I do is I take the teeth out of them so they're not funny anymore, and then I deliver them to my audience,

and they applaud. Yeah. But you told the story a few weeks ago on the Burt Cass binge we went through. Yeah. And you missed a few details, but you said, yeah, he buys jokes from, like, Doug Stano said he bought jokes from James Inman, where we, Inman has no sellable jokes. When you go into like

one of those hippie towns like Madison, I'll tell you a joke for 50 cents. Even Inman couldn't sell a fucking joke of his own. So you said Inman instead of Andy Andrist, who's right here. So you said

we fuck with Inman, so we're going to take the clip from your podcast where you accident I think James Inman's jokes and we're going to James Inman's jokes are unsellable why are you taking credit for Andy Andrus jokes

oh that's great and saying that you wrote those I didn't say that and I'm going to go we're going to play the clip for you. I worked with James Inman in Atlanta a long time ago. Long time ago. He's a kid, right? No.

No, you're not. Who did I work with? He wouldn't even be able to afford an abortion. I don't think you know James Inman. Okay. He wouldn't be able to afford an abortion. He had come to the Lord, thus far away. Oh, fuck no. Who are the Unbookables?

He was... It was Inman. Inman's on the Unbookables documentary. He created it against Bray Will. Brandon Walsh? Walsh, yeah. Brett Erickson. Brett Erickson.

Did you get a kid? Andy... Sean Rouse. Hello. Not the kid. You're out of D.C., right? We're going to get Sean Rouse on the road, but we need a handler. Dude, have you had Sean Rouse not the Eddie's right no I'm gonna get Sean Rouse on the road

but we need a handler dude have you had Sean Rouse in here I would like to hear that story it's been a long time ago

yeah he's changed a lot wait wait wait is he better yeah hell yeah oh alright he's funny

Wendy Wendy trying to get him a gig he'll still bite your customers um I wouldn't book him again I remember that I remember that day too I think maybe actually Oh, all right. He's funny. Wendy, Wendy, Wendy. Trying to get him a gig. He'll still bite your customers. I wouldn't book him again. I remember that. I remember that date, too.

I think maybe actually there were two dates because I did give him another shot. And yeah, it was rough. Booze or just material? No, I think it was about the booze. I think it was both. Do you have a report on me? I don't know. I have to go back to my files.

I got to go through my files. Yeah, with you. Fonseca fell out of his chair and I had to follow that. No, that's the Oriental. No, it happened at the North, too. Your sidebars are fucking great. I only worked there once. Yeah, no, we worked there together and Fonseca fell out of his chair.

I'll wait until all the mics are off to hear the good story. Okay, all right. Fonseca. Is that another? Let's not talk about it. He's a, you know. Fonseca, I'll tell you my story. Fonseca, last time he asked for a guest set.

He has cerebral palsy. Yeah, I won't take his phone call without an interpreter anymore. Good idea. He called me to book me, and I couldn't understand what the fuck. He's got cerebral palsy, but he's also a hardcore alcoholic. So you assume that his slurred speech is because of his condition. But we all know it's not. I remember I had to follow him.

He was doing a college gig when I was doing like a one-nighter early on when I had a mullet. And he did a college gig but got a guest set at a one-nighter in La Crosse, Wisconsin, where he went up. And back then, he was a little more lucid. And he's killing. This is 24 years ago. And I have to follow him because he goes up between me and Becker, and he's killing in a small triple gig one-nighter.

And that's when Becker looks at me and goes, if you could ever find a time for monkeys to fly out of your ass, now's the time. Cut to the last time I played the Oriental. He's like, can I get a guest set? And you go, yeah, okay. He shows up. He's so fucked up.

He went out and at the merch booth, he starts pissing himself in khaki pants in a chair and doesn't leave. He just obviously pisses running down his leg at the merch booth. Whenever I piss myself at the merch booth, I walk away for a minute. Because you're a man. Sales are going to decline. He's a professional.

He is a professional. Which at that point, when you're hammered after a show, you think it's funny, but no one could understand a word he said on stage. Tragic. Yeah. We should eat steaks. Buddy's been sober for five years, I see on Facebook. Eat steaks and smoke weed. He's actually turned, he's sober.

Can we smoke weed at your house? Yeah. We'll smoke weed and then we'll get in the pool. It's legal in Colorado, remember? Oh, my God. Really? What have I done? Wendy, thank you very much for having me.

Oh, my God. Thank you. It's been much fun. Hey, I have to say this. I've said this every show, and I'll say it one more time. When I listen to Skies for the Memories, I imagined what this club looked like. And it has been a dream of mine to play this club because that is my favorite comedy album ever. And it has been a dream of mine to play this club because that is my favorite comedy album ever.

And I literally am so grateful that you gave me an opportunity to play this club. I had a fucking blast. He told me that one of my albums was his favorite album ever. Well, he told me that. Oh, no, no. Bert is great for hyperbole. Every episode, that's what we look for. If you want to do a drinking game. The greatest ever.

If you want to do a drinking game on the Bert Kreischer podcast, the Bert cast, you drink every time. It's the best ever thing. Oh, I never saw a better thing. Or secrets. I like telling secrets when i when you like not telling secrets and that's what we're gonna do together as we eat steaks because i'm gonna i have a list of things that you teased on your podcast and you're gonna tell me the truth doug where are you gonna be out this week i'm gonna be uh this week, maybe Houston.

That's the worst thing. Holy cow. Are you really booked in Houston? Yeah, I'm booked in Houston for the September 14th, but we don't know. It might not be that. He's hoping they have a really big shop vac. Here, if you go to... Oh, fuck, I'll jack you up for this. Because I'm playing Gainesville.

That's where you're from, right? That's your place? What's your college? What's your college town? Tallahassee. Oh, fuck, we're not going to Tallahassee. I jacked you up once. Hey, give me some fucking plugs for Gainesville.

Johnny Knoxville. Not Johnny Knoxville. Johnny Depp from Gainesville. Or no, yeah. He is? No, he's down on the river. Anyway, there's where I'm going to be. Texas, Louisiana. I think maybe one of those Alabama Biloxi or Mobile or Pensacola down through Florida.

DougStanup.com. Find it. Fuck you. I don't care if you show up. I'm done with this. My bills are paid. I don't care if you show up. I'm done with this. My bills are paid. I don't have kids. Meanwhile, I'm recording people's voicemails for $50.

So I'll take voiceover work at audioshank at icloud.com or look me up, chadshank, at voices.com. I'm submitting auditions there. I know there's a prostitute that's so upset. She goes, I bought audio skank. Fuck. I'll suck your dick. And then. She goes, I bought audio skank. Fuck. I'll suck your dick. And then they go, oh, it's Chad Shank. I'm hammered.

Chad, you have to... Chad, I just called him Chad. Sorry. You're drunk. September 9th, I'm in Singapore. All you have to do is bang. Listen. Killer termites just bang Singapore. Oh, shit Killer termites. Just bang Singapore.

Oh, shit. This is going down in Singapore. Just hashtag Singapore. Just fucking light up Singapore. That's the only thing I'm trying to sell right now. Make it sound like some shit's going down. Like hashtag white nationalist. Hashtag BLM.

Hashtag white nationalist. Hashtag Nashville promises. What's the new one? I White nationalist hashtag. Nashville promises. What's the new one? I have no idea. Just go out of control on a hashtag with Singapore with the link. I can't wait to get Wendy's pool. Wendy, thank you so much for allowing us to come here. Oh, my God.

Thank you. It was great fun. You guys hungry? It's about time you wash your pussy.. Oh my God, thank you. It was great fun. You guys hungry? It's about time you wash your pussy. Yeah, we're hungry. Oh my God. I was saying that to you. What a way to end a podcast.

It's about time you wash your pussy. Are you talking about that nursing home photo? I have to leave. Flooding in the nursing home? Singapore. Bert Kreischer, Australia, Singapore. I will show up at one of your shows before you tape your special. I will.

But just be gentle because it's not that good of an hour. Doug, I love you. Wendy, I love you. Chad, I love you. I love you guys, too. Tracy, I love you. I love you guys. Thank you so much.

I'm fucking hammered. How are the audio levels? Good, Shredder? Play the Mattoid! Party time, yeah! Party time! Party time, yeah! Drink your drinks and eat your eats, it's party time! Laugh your laughs and eat your heats It's party time Smile your smiles and do your blues It's party time

Dance your dance and shoe your shoes It's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time Oh baby, grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time! One more! Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time! Here we go! D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- Party time

Hey! Party time Yeah! Party time