The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #224: What Happened to Tom Konopka & Castle Rock Kenny in Vegas?

Episode Date: September 8, 2017

Doug wants to know what happened to Tom Konopka and Castle Rock Kenny on the their Vegas road trip. Doug's second book, "This Is Not Fame", is now available for pre-order on Amazon - http://amzn.to/2xR3ASA . (Book scheduled for release Dec. 05, 2017). Recorded Sep 07th, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Tom Konopka (@RealTomKonopka), Castle Rock Kenny (@cstlrckkenny), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille. This episode is sponsored by DRAFT.com – Play Draft.com for Daily Fantasy Drafts - For a limited time only, all new players get a FREE entry into a draft when you make your first deposit! Use promo code DOUG & play a real money game for free! More Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List. LINKS: Chad Shank Voice Over info at AudioShank.com Sean Pratt – Voice Over Coach - @SPpresents Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/ Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

can you imagine what this podcast would be like if we did it at 8 30 in the morning short oh it'd just be so fucking evil that well that's you that's you in the morning no that's me in the morning well even even today that's what i said earlier we come over because i didn't i woke up too early this morning and then Shaylee said you need a podcast. I was like, alright. So I ended up taking a nap today. So I woke up an hour before I had to come here. So I had afternoon hate today. Morning

hate in the afternoon. So it's not really the morning. It's just after waking up. Maybe. We could do a sleep study. To offset that, the fact that we do this podcast when we're in our best mood and it's still pretty fucking negative. We just try to find that sweet spot of drinking

and a fucking Adderall to make us chatty, and it's still fucking awful. Yeah, I'd probably lose gigs if we did morning you're being too honest but you do morning radio oh but there's a filter on that sorry I realized after I said it

we did do morning radio I don't know how much of this shit we talked about in Denver I was outside for a lot of it did we at least apologize to fucking detroit for that standing show that shouldn't have happened but oh the token yeah the token lounge which uh token lounge they're they're great but we can't do fucking standing anymore there was a legless girl in a wheelchair in the front row and I couldn't even fuck with her.

They made her stand? She was legs-less. She was missing both legs above the knee. I told you she was there and then I lost her. I couldn't find her because everyone moved forward. But people kept standing in front of her.

I would cheat to her but it was so 600 people in there standing and you can see the first two rows of you know heads like if it get out of control i couldn't so i'm not gonna start fucking with a legless girl if i can't see the you know 540 people that are in the in back of her it was it was that was a a forced set like just stay on point say the fucking words and get out of here we shouldn't we should we should go back to the emerald ballroom uh we were talking about that it's what's the name of that town mount clemens mount clemens yeah which i stopped doing because those audiences would get

out of control that's detroit it's like philly that was a balcony but yeah yeah emerald ballroom had the three balconies but like not like a theater had a bar right in the middle yeah yeah on the first tier did the whole morning zoo, local radio guys had the balcony and the animals were just falling off of there, yelling at you. And that's where that YouTube clip that I put up on your channel, the Don't Boo a Girl, where they were booing Shawcroft because she said she was Canadian. She just said, I'm Canadian.

I fucking cascaded. I shouldn't have wore a skirt. Stay out of hope. I shouldn't have wore a skirt. Really? You think that's what it was? That was one of those. We've been pulling it off now, but it is a different era for us where I tried to host and headline, which we've done on the road where I just go out up front,

you know, Hey, Andy Andrus can't fucking host. So here, here's 10 minutes of my bullshit andy andrews can't fucking host so i'm here here's 10 minutes of my bullshit and announcements and welcome to the show and here's andy and but back then you know it's just started off wrong you were in a tuxedo were you yeah yeah i think walsh was there too wasn't he i think so yeah walsh is gonna be on the next leg of the tour brendan Walsh was there too, wasn't he? I think so. Yeah. Walsh is going to be on the next leg of the tour. Brendan Walsh.

Now he's got, he need that baby money. He made a baby. I wish I could remember how his, because I keep saying, I'm going to steal all your anti-baby material you used to do, and I'm going to open with it. But I don't really remember how it goes. Something about, you know, I don't want to come see your baby. Yeah, yeah.

Your baby stole my best friend. How do you accidentally make a baby if you're not, like, under 20? Accidentally. Oh, it was on purpose? I don't know. Oh, I didn't. How do you purposely make a baby? He actually told Hennigan not to tell me.

He was afraid I'd really hate him. I don't know. We'll find out. Cliffhanger. He's like, yeah. I'll listen to the Road podcast. I don't know if Walsh has ever been on our podcast.

I don't think he has. What about in Vegas? No, he was on one. Yeah. Vegas, I don't remember that it's even a city. That was two trips ago, I think. I don't specifically remember him being on a podcast. I just remember hanging out with him in Vegas.

Yeah, yeah. That's when we had a lot of people at Glen Wool. Oh, yeah, yeah. A bunch of people were there. Kenny and Tommy are here. No. Kenny and Tommy are here. No, Kenny and Tommy are here. They just got back from their Vegas trip. But I have to count on fucking Tom Knopka to make it interesting

because I heard Kenny's version, and it was like listening to my mother tell me about how she went to the dollar store. Thanks. For the trip, that is. Well, thank you for getting Tom's shit back. Tom did videos or something? He's posted a few things.

Let's get Tom. I've heard Kenny's version, so let's get Tom on here. If you're in the mood. If you're so inclined. Kenny told me... I can share the mic with Kenny you're so inclined. Kenny told me. Was that it? I can share the mic with Kenny, though. Kenny has to chime in.

Yeah, Kenny tells gambling stories. And then, well, then I had $4. And then I shouldn't have bet that $4. But then I came back to the machine and someone was playing and they hit like $275. So if I hadn't gone to the bathroom, it's one of those fucking boring gambling stories. Gambler stories. You, Tom, you lived in Vegas.

You know, the person who's it was always Ron Putnam would be the guy that had no money and would sit next to me when I'm playing video poker and just do color commentary. And it was like the biggest jinx. I don't know. Yeah. Oh, if you had held that for you, you'd have had a full house. I know. Just shut the fuck up. The worst.

Oh, don't talk to me when I'm fucking gambling. That Vegas 702, I think I blocked her on Twitter. She came to all those shows every Every time I played Vegas and afterwards, she'd just sit there like a fucking tumor and just talk to you while you're gambling about nothing to the point where I just, I hate it. I called her a fucking jinx and she'd make jokes about it. I'm like, I'm not kidding.

You're a fucking jinx. I don't believe that her being there actually affected how the video poker machine worked but i know it made the uh whole thing unpleasant the whole experience was unpleasant because of you yeah fun jinx yeah exactly not a fun person to be around kind of jinx but a jinx is kind of one person to be around kind of jinx but a jinx is kind of a bummer to fun yeah a bum jinx exactly the one thing that i just remembered and first welcome back and thank you very much again kenny and i did have a good time you said one thing you said wait and see when you take kenny up to vegas he's gonna see it for the first time and i I'm going to enjoy watching him. Yeah. And that is, in fact, what happened.

When we were getting right up close to the Hoover Dam and the first time he sees just a little hint of the Colorado River, he fucking went ballistic. It was great. You know, like he was in the desert for 40 years. You know, water. No, but, I mean, I felt the excitement, too. I hadn't seen it in a long time i just took a side road highway yeah for an extra two hours so yeah i'm glad i seen water i mean what can i say no you don't absolutely that was a very honest thing in that moment it was exciting and then

when we got into the plaza this was the best after getting to the plaza and we're up in the room whatnot kenny's like i i gotta go i know exactly where i gotta get get some weed Plaza, this was the best. After getting to the Plaza and we're up in the room, whatnot, Kenny's like, I got to go. I know exactly where I got to get some weed. Now, I didn't know that he was going to a medical dispensary. Yeah, when you're in where you used to buy drugs anyway when they were illegal because the Plaza is right next to the Las Vegas Greyhound. That's what I was going to say.

You thought he was just going over to North Las Vegas to meet a guy? You jumped ahead of me. No, you jumped ahead of me. That's what I was going to say. You thought he was just going over to North Las Vegas to meet a guy? You jumped ahead of me. No, you jumped ahead of me. That's exactly what it was. Because he goes, no, he just walked out of the plaza and made a left turn. Now, when you go left out of the plaza, you're going to the fucking homeless shelters. That's worse than Naked City.

That's fucking death. And I'm like, well, okay. And only blocks from death. No, I mean, you're there. You can smell it. So then ultimately when he came back i i don't know i think it came back down he's like oh you're right i shouldn't have gone that way it's up this way and then we went to the dispensary and this watching him i assumed that you had a card i myself have never even been into one of the dispensary this was like him going to fucking mecca and oh my god he

looked he's got the edibles and the bb oh whatever the fuck about acronyms it was funny it was funny as fuck here's here's what i got from kenny he was bitching about you and this is a normal thing you would do first of all you have to remember tom dealt dealt in casinos for years, for eons. So Tom would place Kenny's small bet out for the dealer. It's a common thing. You can either tip the dealer or put a bet out for the dealer, where if you win, they win, too. So it's kind of unjinxing.

Well, not really. So Kenny, when the dealer wins, Kenny's thinking, that should have been my money. He didn't care about the tip, but it was when the dealer won, he's thinking, oh, fuck, that could have been my money. In my defense, I wasn't talking shit. I had a question with the taking money out of my tray

to tip the dealer, which I found out after you told me. But... Well, you probably wouldn't know to tip a dealer. I did tip the dealer. He was doing a good thing. I tipped the dealer multiple times. Well, he got the dealer.

So I was helping. Actually, we'll go right to the dice table. So Kenny... Wait, what was that you were playing before? I wasn't playing anything. Kenny did poker. I didn't watch any of that. He was on his own with all that.

You played slot machines? I did. I only wasted $100 on slot machines. I wasted $100 in the dispensary, pretty much. Wasted? Wasted. I didn't waste. I came home.

You still got some of that stuff, as a matter of fact. One hitter would last me a week. No, I played in a poker tournament. It's a $125 buy-in. It was only six of us. And no, I did not get first, but I did say I did make it to the final table. Right on. That's five people.

Yes. Yeah. Unfortunately, four of the five were locals, and they're cross-firing, and they saw him coming a mile away. After he was explaining it to me, I'm like, you saw him on a slot machine next to an old lady. No, there's no jinx. You asked.

You said, can they do that? Well, of course they fucking do that. You walked right into it, brother. I know less about gambling than Kenny, and as soon as you said that, I was kind of like, oh, was Kenny the mark in that table? I wasn't there. This is based on what he said. But he did play dice actually very well. And the table was passing. They were rolling numbers. And I had him betting the pass line and

betting odds. And he was winning. And he made, I think, three or four long shots. I would never tell him to do this. He was telling me not to do it the whole time. No, don't do it. It's crazy. Good for you to stick by your guns, Kenny. Well, then he hit a couple. But now let's deal with the reality of the percentages that ultimately ate him the fuck up. He was up, and as he's going up, he was going south with greens. And I'm like, yeah, he was on a long.

Now, I didn't want to say, okay, because he's betting his money, your money. I didn't at any point say okay you've doubled it you tripled it let's get the fuck out you kept i mean you wouldn't listen and uh so he kept betting those one roll bets and eventually that shit now he's going north grind you down now he's going north with green no no yeah yeah exactly back up but i mean eventually anywhere you are they're gonna get you if you stay in long enough. So I don't know what he pigeonholed or didn't. As a non-gambler, though,

the whole purpose is just to have fun, right? Because I keep all my money in my fucking pocket and I win all the time, but I don't have any fucking fun. So the whole purpose is to have fun with it, right? Yep, and I did. I had a blast, as a matter of fact. Good, you got that out of him, Chad.

He did. There it is. That's the takeaway, and that is the truth. That is what the end game is. It was. Because you know you're going to lose all the time. Yeah, exactly. Pretty much.

And when I was winning, I was dumb enough to keep sitting there or dumb enough to put my money back in the machine. Or smart enough if it wasn't your money. I also told him in the beginning, especially if somebody if somebody's i mean he's played poker or whatever i said the worst it's the old the old fucking truism you know the you gamble the worst thing that can happen is if you win the first time because now you're chasing that for the rest of your fucking life it's like you know whatever i don't twice i've been leaving vegas and once at the airport hit a royal flush that's the only reason i had money because my plane is leaving i'm like you gotta hurry up and pay me my fucking plane's

gonna leave and once bingo and i hit on a dollar machine we've won four grand as we were leaving we're at the uh you know by the the hoover dam on this side right one of. Not the last one, but close to it. You're thinking of the railroad pass. Where we hit four grand and we already had our bags at the valet, went back in for breakfast and go, let's just put a hundred bucks each.

Hit four grand and went back to the valet and said, we're going to stay another day. My first experience with gambling i was probably i think i was 17 years old still and i was in the army and my mom was they've made the indian casino outside of globe and uh my mom was fucking addicted to it and going so when i came home on leave she's like you gotta come with me out to the casino. We went out there, and I lost $40 in a dollar machine in, I don't know, 30 seconds. I don't remember how long it was.

However long it takes you to lose $40. And I wanted to just cry, and I wanted to go home, and my mind kept cycling all the things I could have spent $40 on. Exactly. I'm just like, I could have done this, and I could have done this. So I was pissed, and I hated it. I used to do that with a hooker. Greatest thing that could happen to you.

A couple of days later, she said, I'm going back out to the casino again, and I went to the casino with her again, and I'm like, all right, I'll do it, but I'm only going to do $20. $5 in on a dollar machine, I won like $240. First three minutes this time, I was barely started. I was only 17, 18 years old maybe i was 18 by this point went over to go cash this out i can't cash this out go cash this out i'm ready to go we just got here well i'm gonna fuck i'll be outside she wouldn't cash my 240 dollars out i

waited in the parking lot for her to finish losing all of her money so i i don't know i don't did you walk with 240 ultimately absolutely good for you i didn't all of her money so i i don't know i don't did you walk with 240 ultimately absolutely good for you i didn't put another fucking dollar in because i knew how much i hated myself for losing 40 dollars yeah now i eventually lost because my mom was a fucking uh psychopath and she got my pin number on my bank card and went back to the casino and pulled out all my fucking money and gambled it all so i lost in the end but that'll do it that's did you ever gamble before you started dealing no i don't know if dealing was the thing that made you no this is why would you ever gamble no i i was no i really well i mean we played penny any poker when i was like 13 that's

how cards got into my hands as a young guy, you know. But it was just, you know, just aunts and uncles with shit money having fun, which is ultimately what it is. And my father taught me how to make the moves. Yeah. My father loses all of the fucking hands in straight poker, but he's coming back with the biggest pile of pennies at the end of the night. So now I'm finding out.

He's doing the scoop. He's doing all this shit. So that's where my life of craziness began. But ultimately, beyond the tables, watching him, the moment we hit Fremont Street, now you can tell it's the same thing. I was kind of rushing because I saw friends of mine, magicians that were like 20 yards away, and I'm like, come on. He's like, don't rush me now because everybody,

oh, there's a girl dancing on the bar. Look at those tits. Oh, the fucking lights. It was really great to see him do that. I heard he sang karaoke. Not just once, a couple times. You talk about it. Wait a minute.

Was this your first time going to Vegas? Or you've been there before? I'd been there for like nine hours once. But you didn't have fun, right? Well, I won that time playing poker i won like 500 bucks so that's the first the first time chasing deal you're talking about and then the hate yourself for the next nine hours waiting to leave to go home the next morning so that's what i did the next that thursday afternoon is sit in the hotel room and watch tv all pissed off that

i lost all my money already. Yeah. I just told him, I said, look, man, I'm going to go down on Fremont street. Cause I know he was Jones and you get down to some table. I didn't know if it was the slots or whatever.

Yeah. But then I saw him whatever, a couple hours later, he didn't have to say shit. I just looked at him like, okay, let's, let's go to Fremont street.

Let's break pattern real quick. So he doesn't have to break down his fucking losses. Yeah. No, I don't know that time when the first time you saw me i don't already that's the that's the hundred that i lost and that was waiting for my first jack and coke not knowing the trick of just sitting there acting like you're pushing the buttons for until she comes till you see i had to explain that to him kenny tells me yeah uh the only time i really drank is Tom bought me a $14 beer.

It was huge, and I drank the whole thing just because it cost $14. I go, you don't know how to sit at a nickel machine? There you go. He said, I tried that, and I was just waiting for it. I lost all his money. And I go, you don't bet when she's not there. Exactly. Just sit there.

Exactly. That's the only way. And then you put a nickel in when the fucking she sees you. I didn't know that either. I didn't have the time to educate him in 24 hours. He was free to go and do what he wanted to do. I reserved my gambling for Thursday while he was doing his storage unit thing.

Yeah. And the night before, we didn't go to bed until probably, what, 3.30? Let's go up to that. So now we're walking down and he's seeing these guys that so now we're walking down and you're seeing these these guys that spit and freestyling and whatnot there was this guy freestyling and he he was pretty good and i got i got hooked into that right away and so i went and sang karaoke

and came back out with a better buzz with some more with some tequila and another Bud Light that cost another $40 in a bar. This is when the kid got busted smoking our $12 doobie. That was something that was interesting. I want to hear Tom's version. I heard Kenny's boring, stuttering version. Mine will probably be just as boring.

You're just not a good storyteller. No. Once upon a time. He lives it. Did I make him feel better? Unless it rhymes. His head just hit the bar. Kenny, head up.

No, we left that whatever, the dispensary thing, and now we're on Fremont Street, and I didn't even know myself because I hadn't been in them. You know, I get high occasionally with friends back there, but I didn't know what the laws change and if you can or cannot smoke out in public. And so I lit up the joint. I'm like, this is cool. You know, it's rolled like the regular.

It looks like a cigarette. This is after karaoke, right? Yeah. Okay. They have recreational weed in Nevada. I had forgotten that. But I wouldn't know. By the way, this is my area of expertise.

You go back where the dishwashers hang out and smoke weed, and your biggest fear is somebody asking you for a hit, not cops. Exactly. Where we were at, we was kind of in the hood. Tom was looking over his shoulder when we were going to get the weed, and there was not a soul

on the street, the whole street, the whole way there was no cars no people glad we had street lights because if we didn't tom would have said i ain't going with you on this when you're on your own buddy for sure this now this was the thing he said once he came back and he left from fucking you know horror fucking hotel to the left it was like beverly hills he came back he's like fuck you, man. I shouldn't have gone there. When you say that, I realize to the right isn't very pretty either. No. No, but you go straight across the Fremont Street.

But this was the thing. I had, you know, the fucking Greyhound station next to the plaza. That's been there forever before we were there. And that's, you know, where they insert the bullets manually. That's how, you know, the old line, you know. So he's looking on his fucking, you know, he's looking on his fucking you know he's looking on his phone he goes oh no it's it's a it's a dispensary i go good because i just assumed he was doing like andrews or something hey anybody got weed and you just meet him i thought honestly

thought and it wasn't my bad i thought you're gonna do that but when he said he's looking he goes that's just a mile up the road i'm like okay it's not the best of areas and it went on we're walking up past Charleston. But you had a car. You said, I'm going on fucking Charleston. No, no, no. We had just parked. He said, I'm not going on fucking Charleston.

That's the way he said it, too. I'm not going up Charleston or down. You walked that? I guarantee you I walked to the same dispensary while we were there. I guarantee it. I know what you're talking about. But actually, the good news is that that fucking area is so much better than it was i mean even less than six years ago if you had walked three blocks

up that way forget about it there's no lights you're just a fucking walker you're you're an easy mark and it was all pretty much lit up but there was nobody there but it ended up it was cool there was nobody there except one homeless lady that laid on the other side of her remember block fucking remember when she tried to walk up behind us and i just said stop one second and then she walked by and she's she was gone you know tearing it flies in the air i'm like i told you literally let them walk in front of you when they're doing that zagging through the street from garbage can to garbage can and then she jumped behind she's feral yeah did she take a dump? She's feral. Oh, she was.

That was her house, dude. Her house was behind that roadblocks, concrete pillar thing, whatever the hell they use on the highway to stop you from wrecking. Well, that was her blinder, pretty much, from everybody. Because like you said, it's the DMZ zone. It's nothing but a huge blank lot. Let's be fair, that was one of her houses. Exactly.

That was close. To give her credit, nobody could actually see her behind that roadblock. They've landed. I hope that's an amber alert, not a storm, because one of them affects me and one of them doesn't. I hope it's nothing.

Where are you from? The UK? Jonathan, is that coming from Britain? Yeah, that's what I was going to ask. Can the Queen swim? A foreign dust storm? That is a foreign dust storm. Jonathan is a previous podcast guest that's here in our audience,

but I don't think we've aired it yet because it's an evergreen. And plus, he wanted to square it away so it didn't fuck up his job that he's now quit and moved to Bisbee. How about that? That's one way to fix it. This guy left Silicon Valley and moved to Bisbee. Welcome to Bisbee. Taking a year off. What street do you live on?

And that year leads to another. Blackknob, you! Okay, you're on Blackknob? BBV. Good. Good. Anyway, back to the weed story. You fucking get to the dispensary story you fucking get to the dispensary

so we get to the dispensary we get back ultimately we're on Fremont he's hitting it as soon as we get out I sparked the fucking thing right when we walked out in the parking lot yeah I made it halfway

through the parking lot and I lit it I don't smoke weed and I don't know about dispensaries but it's like this parking lot you can't chug a beer in a liquor store

no look I walked I'm bold about it and I don't do that I was watching from a distance I literally walked out got halfway down the parking lot Beer in a liquor store. No, look. I walked. I'm bold about it, and I don't do that. I was watching from a distance. I literally walked out, got halfway down the parking lot, looked, cleared out, made sure, popped it.

Make sure what? I'm not going to get fucking rolled right now. You don't have Google? I did. I was on Google Maps, man. No, not Google Maps. Just see if you're allowed to smoke weed in public. I don't care. I figured it out right away.

Look, I took my two or three hits. I put the in public. I don't care. I figured it out right away. Look, I took my two or three hits. I put the shit away. The only intense moment we had was this black gangster dude and his two Eminem white buddies tried to bully me a little bit. Rap battle? No, no. It was different. He was trying to actually physically give me a little start shit.

He's one of those bumping, watch where you're going type things. Why does that never happen to me? Guys, I wish it would have. But anyways, I ignored him, but I watched the cops at the same time just roll up fast, staring right at me and just stop on their bikes, pick them up, and park them and just stare at me the whole time. So I'm like, wait a minute, we're in Vegas. They watched me light that doobie on camera and some dude said, you got a smoker on Charleston

going up the alley about to get robbed by four homeless people. You know. And then the homeless lady came out and saved us. No, she stayed in bed. Yeah. Anyways. So we ended up ultimately now we're on Fremont Street and now smoking under the canopy.

Can you get Kenny an ashtray? Get the fucking ash. There's a shot glass right there. There you go. There you go, Kenneth. So yes, we're on Fremont. We come out of the bar. We're at the end of the dome area.

Not lit up. We're in the fucking hood. I'm going to let tom finish this story i've heard your version i haven't yeah i haven't either you didn't well it's true if you look down fremont street during the day you know you realize you're in the ghetto right away after you're at the end of that dome yeah you know i didn't you know it's motel motel motel hotel motel and i was actually wanting to walk up fremont further tom's Tom's like, let's go this way. Took me back underneath the dome because my dumb ass would have walked up.

For the listener, the Fremont Street experience, it's like five blocks long. And they have a big lit up kind of canopy over Fremont Street. It used to be a street. It is now a promenade that goes down across five blocks. You can zip line through it. Live bands every other block. Yeah. If you've ever been to Chicago O'Hare and you had to go through that walking underground

and that changes colors over your head. It's like that, but it's a little more glitzy. It's also where we prefer to go when Doug does shows down there. You do it at the Plaza Hotel. It's right across the street from that. And it's everything we need Vegas to be. I've stayed at the other place. My mother-in-law, when you talk about taking a left out of the plaza,

you have that one other train depot, main street station. And then you go into North Las Vegas. That's where my mother-in-law lived when I went down there with you guys to check on. That's the only reason I know. Oh, that's when you didn't know if she was alive. A welfare check. A welfare check. A welfare check.

That is a fucking rough area. Yeah. But the plaza area in Fremont is way better, like, better to me than going on the main strip. You said that's the best buffet that you've ever been to. Oh, yeah. The Main Street Station has a good buffet now this go ahead go ahead kenny go ahead maybe it's because of all the mcdonald's i'd eaten from the previous day but no i walked in there and i looked at everything at the buffet the the best thing on the buffet was the collard greens everything else on that thing was shit, in my opinion.

I'm sorry. That buffet has every single thing you could possibly imagine. And I had every single thing I could imagine. And he found the collard greens. I had to hike to walk around and find them. On my plate. You're in, like, Mexico, and then all of a sudden you're in Saudi Arabia. They have different villages that you visit to get different food.

I think Kenny just set it up by saying maybe he was spoiled by McDonald's is why he No, I visited every damn station and got a piece of every station on my plate. Take my word for it. I came back with a piled plate. Tom took a video. And then I took one bite of my

fat ridden ribs and almost up chucked. I was like, damn it. And then I ate. Do you have a McRib? These crab legs are disgusting. Do you have a McFish sandwich? They did not have crab legs. They do have crab legs.

They did not. Not that day. I would have got crab legs. You didn't hike far enough. I walked the whole damn buffet. To view the world through the lens that Kenny has would just be so interesting. I want to get back to the joint because they get bullied by the joint, and the guy asked him if he knows where to get weed,

according to the story he told me. Which guy? Some kid. The black guy. Not the black guy. No, he wasn't the black guy. He was some white kid. I don't know who he was, and neither did Tom.

And I was getting ready to put the doobie into into the tube when the kid came up and asked tom he didn't ask me but tom still told him ask him so i said do i look like i fucking sell weed and i put my doobie away and but then tom asked me for it back and we and he relit it and handed it to this dude. And while he did that, I fucking literally turned around, and there's two fucking cops on bikes that look like they just got out of high school, literally, rolling up behind him. I'm like, cops, lighting a cigarette, walking to the DJ. Well, the guy who was watching the kid rap because it's his equipment that he's loaning, you know, so on and so forth.

But anyways, now I'm watching these guys. Light it up. Yeah, yeah, unnecessary details. I really wish. Tighten it up. I don't understand. So what do the cops do? The cops ask.

They look around. They're just smelling first. They're whipping to see where it comes from the strongholds. Meanwhile, this kid's still sitting there. Wait, these cops walked in and started actively sniffing? They rode their bikes in. They rode their bikes in. They came in on their bikes, okay?

Now, Tom, they're in between me, Tom, and this kid. The kid now notices them and puts it and cups it. Tom's like, eh, eh. And I'm already like, but Tom's already caught in the middle of the smoke. So he's got nothing he can do except, mm, eh, eh. And I'm already like, but Tom's already caught in the middle of the smoke. So he's got nothing he can do except, mm, and stand there. Now the cops go, look at his hands. His hands are open because he opened them up.

Literally, he just says, nothing up my sleeve. Nothing here. Meanwhile, the kid's trying to slide away like he's not noticed at all. Yeah, he wasn't going to go any fucking where. And he's got this thing cupped in his hand. Meanwhile, I don't know what he does with it, but he pulled a Tom trick and it disappeared. Let me get this straight. The local who approached you asking

if you knew where to buy weed? In a state that allows legal weed. I think this was... Now has your weed in his secret pocket? Yeah, not my weed. This was Tom's doobie actually that i paid for i'm confused but anyway i'm confused listening to it but it how can well so what do the cops do well what they took the kid away pretty much because they

asked the kid do you know first they told him you know it's illegal to smoke in public and the kids i don't know what you're talking about he didn didn't. And I'm looking at the kid like, just fucking tell him you don't know. You know, tourists, act tourist. And he keeps arguing with these kids. I keep saying kids because they were kids. Yeah. And me and Tom are just now standing away from this whole thing. Talking to this dude whose speakers, you know, and we're just bullshit.

And then we watch him carry, take this kid away. And I thought jail because I didn't think they were just going to write him a citation for $250 and, you know, send him on his way. About a half an hour later, this kid comes back. And I'm like, why did he come back to us? You know? Wait, hang on. Where are you that he can come back to you?

I thought you were walking back from the fucking dispensary. No, let me just take take something right here just for a second no what happened at this point time to stand in one spot the bottom line was is that he had he had been smoking yeah kenny thank you yeah yeah uh no bonnie there it is um he was already smoking but i saw saw out of my peripheral vision, this kid just came up and said, hey, man, can I get a hit? And I looked as I'm handing it to him.

I had taken one fucking hit, I think. And we were talking to some of the guys that were doing the mixing for the guys that were doing the rapping. So I'm talking to this big brother and we're talking and I'm smiling. As I go to take a hit, I'm going to hand it to this kid

out of the peripheral vision i see the immediately i see the metro the yellow thing i hand it to him once i handed it off out of the corner of my eye i saw them come up but they didn't see me with the joint and this kid was maybe 19 20 year old kid and as soon as i handed it and i saw it i didn't do anything that would be weird like freak out or anything i just continued talking to the brother the kid had the joint i didn't know if they were stopping for him because there were other homeless people in that area and then everyone's a suspect yeah no exactly so then the fucking guy they put the bikes down and they went right to him they go hey what are you doing and then i just kept smiling talking to the brother and stepping to the left slowly step literally stepping out of

the scene we're high-fiving we're talking i'm looking i i saw the car i'm looking i'm giving them the nod like hey what's up like i had nothing to do and that kid was cool the kid whatever it was they took him away in an hour later he was back there they just probably ran warrants okay so you were hanging out in this area for the wrapping. Yeah, we were in the middle of Fremont Street. Everything, all the carnivals going on around us. I lost the story when he said he lit it up in an empty parking lot and then all of a sudden you're back on Fremont Street.

I missed it. A rookie mistake. If you're going to smoke weed in public, don't do it near black people. The cops are going to come check you out. I remember in Tucson I made that mistake. I was smoking weed on the patio. Oh, fuck yeah. I've learned.

That's why we're. Yeah, we weren't that. I get that. But we weren't that close to. Yeah. They were equal opportunity dicks at this point. But it ended up it was anticlimactic. The kid left.

And then later on, I saw him sitting. I'm like, hey, dude, what happened? They just took me and they ran and i had nothing so i'm back okay but i was just kind of shocked that to me is weird it's legal recreational medicinal but don't fucking you know even old vegas when you had drinks we were allowed to carry fucking glasses from casino to casino nothing but that's still the case, right? Except for plastic? No, you have to have plastic. There can be nothing. But you can still... Is that just the strip?

Or is it all of Las Vegas? It's downtown, primarily downtown on Fremont Street. It's weird because I would go out, Bingo and I would walk the dogs with cans of beer, and I go, this is probably illegal but in this neighborhood yeah it's it's kind of like everything's your front porch yeah i guess they probably you're not causing problems it's not a problem yeah and the well whatever i mean i'm not an expert on fucking weed in vegas period i mean, my weed smoking days were as a teenager. I got to get high occasionally.

But to see that that's, it's a double fucking cross. It really is. Yeah, sure, you can take it. You can go out, no problem. As soon as you step out the door, you're fucking, they stop you. Same thing in Denver. That's why I asked if you had Google earlier, because I literally Googled it when I got to Denver,

and I'm like, where can I smoke fucking weed in Colorado? Because it's legal, and I can buy it in the store but i don't when i saw a cop after we left the dispensary when i saw a cop i handed it to jenny and i'm like hold this i'm gonna go in the store just out of habit because i'm like and i smoke so infrequently but now when i do i enjoy it because this shit is very strong relative to the 50 joints we smoked when i was a teenager this this horrible shake. It's true. So when we left the dispenser, I didn't take any hits all the way down.

I wanted to make sure we were safely down by the canopy. Kenny was in. By the way, I have to admire Kenny for many reasons. Quickly is that that nine-hour drive, there was no meltdown, and he did not smoke anywhere. So that's nine fucking hours out of his day that he didn't get high. So that's admirable. So this is why he hit up and lit up and baked up immediately as soon as he got out of the so well there was a couple close meltdowns well i was i was switchbacks how about uh driving the

only thing i was worried about with kenny is like road rage him driving no it was it was we started out he we left it from the front of the uh bisbee grand and he what did he put on vivaldi go fucking figure yeah it wasn't fucking slim yeah wrapped in a joint exactly and uh but it was great and the only time he actually did have even close to a meltdown is when we're coming back and we're by the lavender pit. That was it. And even that was nothing. It was just dumb drivers in between Phoenix and Tucson pretty much. I was flying back.

It took nine, almost ten hours to get there. Like I said, two hours on a stupid side highway because I went too far on the 303. That's besides the point. Yeah. And subconsciously i just think i went by la cantera golf course because i wanted to play the course i ain't gonna lie remember we got it fuck you phone i'm not turning here how do you how do you get lost in this dude

you know what it's it's called driving and trying to read your phone we're doing 75 miles an hour at the same time which is a bad thing so he did that very very infrequently no i remember when we were coming through somebody tweeted something like hey you should go through what was the town again kingman no no no we're chad what was the uh globe globe the guy says oh yeah it's really cool you should uh go up this way and make a look no we're headed home i'd already almost fallen asleep on the fucking side i don't i almost fallen asleep. Yeah, some guy tweeted something and said, yeah, you should just make a left here and go through Globe because it's beautiful. And that's where Chad, we're like, okay, we know Chad.

You could get your tweets, but not GPS. No, I didn't get no tweets. That was Tom. That was me. Trust me. He had his earbuds in the whole way home. I didn't speak pretty much the whole way. The only thing I spoke to were the other cars

telling me to get the fuck out of my way because you're in the fast lane and you're going too slow. Move. Also, I was patting him on the back. Good job, Kenny. Am I right or wrong? You're right. I stopped twice. I stopped in Casa Grande from Vegas to Casa Grande. We were there, I don't know what time it was,

two in the afternoon. We got home at 4.30 and we left at nine. Yeah. Well done. Something like that. Well, I'm glad you made it safe. No one got hurt. Thank you, Douglas.

Thank you, Kenny. We're going to take a break. Absolutely. And Kenny's, we have a spot, but it's going to be a little elongated because Kenny's going to teach us how to fucking play fantasy football

after we take a piss. fantasy football. Uh-oh. One word. After we take a piss. Please hold. Woo-hoo. Do you need to make a will? Need to file a living trust? Or get a patent on that million dollar idea?

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foolforaclient.com, you just download pages of confusing legal speak and fill in the blanks. It's just like Mad Libs. For almost every legal affair, don't throw away your hard-earned cash on some stiff in a suit. Go to foolforaclient.com and show up

in court in your pajamas. Thanks to foolforaclient.com, I'm not allowed in Texas anymore. That's foolforaclient.com and show up in court in your pajamas. Thanks to foolforaclient.com, I'm not allowed in Texas anymore. That's foolforaclient.com with the number 4 because someone else has the spelled out version. I'm supposed to give Andy this weed. Denver must have been just like Disneyland for you guys I guess compared to

but it's not like weed was in shortage anywhere else he was constantly looking for it Andy sent himself 30 joints I know and was out by the time I met you guys he would fucking break it out in the car and and the whole car reeks.

We're like in fucking Kansas, and he's smoking them in a fucking parking lot in front of every security camera. We're so close. I remember seeing the six-mile marker when we were about to hit Colorado from Kansas, going, if we can get to Colorado. Like we were trying to flee something.

Like we're out of their jurisdiction. Yeah. Common sense's jurisdiction ends in Colorado. Eastbound and down, loaded up and chugging. Remember we were driving, and I was in the front, you were in the front, Tracy's in the back, and then Andy's sitting behind me. And I'm driving. And there's a smell. And I'm like, oh, man.

I didn't even see a skunk. And I think you're like, yeah, we must have. Maybe it came from the side or something. And then Tracy's even like, yeah, wow, that's strong. Skunk. And then it's like Tracy looks over and goes, oh, Andy's rolling a joint. I mean, here hears us talking about that smell and like we couldn't even

see a skunk I wonder where it came from and he's sitting there like pig pen with these flies above his head as he's rolling this stanky joint and doesn't even he goes uh oh yeah yeah is that alright? it's like what the fuck dude?

and you tell him no over and over again, and he just keeps fucking doing it. In the room, like, just having his weed out, you had to put a towel underneath the hotel room door. He already got fucking thrown out of a hotel on that tour with Erickson for smoking fucking weed. They threw him out in the middle of the night. No, a half hour after they checked in. Oh.

Yeah, and it changes the detail. Well, my perception of how I understood the story from Andy's perspective changed after this tour. When he goes, look, man, it was on my coat. I went outside to smoke. And I'm like, yeah, that's plausible. Doug says that all the time. Look, I'm a smoker who goes outside to smoke 25 feet from the door.

All my shit smells like smoke. But everything I have. And he was saying that. And then every day in the car, we pull over to get fast food. We go in, and he hangs back. You're in a fucking flying Jay in fucking redneck america in indiana everyone's a cop like yeah that guy yeah they're all cops or they don't like us yeah you have a fucking purple mohawk uh so everyone hates us already so andy probably this is not a good time to smoke around

the orange hair girl and the purple hair mohawk driver because they smell weed they're going to blame it on you two freaks with your weird hair Andy and I look like proper white nationalists blend in that is probably why Andy enjoyed smoking weed with me because I'm perfectly willing to smoke weed

in public and Andy would smoke weed with me right there'm perfectly willing to smoke weed in public. Yeah. And Andy would smoke weed with me, you know, right there on the side of the street. Yeah, but you would know you would be able to balance risk where Andy doesn't have that sense about him. He doesn't see risk. He doesn't see cameras, fucking cameras on this corner of a building. And he was out in Tol the toledo on the deck above outside the restaurant tolerant place i'm sure funny bone there are cameras everywhere

because the hilton is across and i go andy what are you doing and he had that that one glass pipe thing that you gave him chad to smoke in that looks like a fucking crack pipe dude and they go hey look it's not for public that's for real quick in the corner you hold it in your fist yeah looking out at the cameras i go hey just take a second andy see if just take a sweep 180 degrees tell me if you see any cameras and he starts looking around i'm going well i see that you're kind of you you're focusing that is a camera, straight across. That's pointing over here. There's one in each corner behind us that can

actually look. I go, so if you're going to do something, be aware of your surroundings. I think I'm guilty of that, too, because I am aware of it, and I see it, but I still do it anyway. But I trust you. Well, and we got caught smoking weed in the bar, the outside bar in Lansing.

Stanhope asked the bartenders, can I smoke outside? And the bartender says, you can smoke outside as long as there's not people out there eating. The Nuthouse is where you guys were. So we just fucking stopped listening to, yeah, you can smoke outside. So we walked outside past the people eating eating and we go to the very back corner and stanhope is smoking a cigarette so i light up a joint and then andy joined me and we smoked most of a joint and stanhope smoked most of a cigarette and a waitress walked out to the back and she goes um you're not allowed to smoke out here if people are out here eating

oh the bartender said. And then she looked at me and Annie, and she goes, and you guys are not allowed to smoke weed out here at all. And I immediately turned it back to smoking, and I'm like, wait a minute. He asked the bartender if we could smoke out here, and he said yes. And she got all confused. I turned it around immediately, and that's why I always have this false confidence that I can do that no matter what situation it is.

She questioned herself for a long time and then went back inside and asked. Probably pissed at the bartender. Yeah, yeah. What do you mean telling them they can smoke weed out there? Yeah, so it was. That was after lancing lug nuts. Yeah, yeah, I think we already went over that. We talked about that, yeah. That was after Lansing Lugnuts. Yeah.

I think we already went over that. We talked about that, yeah. Let's get to who's the crinkly bag guy. God damn it. Atmospherics, dude. That's Andy's mouth sounds. Crinkly bags. I have the thing with mouth sounds.

I don't know. Someone was tweeting today about the burt kreischer podcast and said someone at the two hour mark started fucking eating with their mouth open or they were mouth sounds they weren't very specific because it could have no i don't think it was true there was so many people there it could could have been fucking anyone. There was so much food, too. Well, there was not food until we were done podcasting. Yeah, and Jody. I didn't eat any food until we were done podcasting. Somebody did mention about me pulling on the vape pen, which I did because Bert Kreischer gave me a vape pen,

so me and Andy were pulling on that. But I've always been told that smoking weed on Mike is okay for ambiance. Well, I mean, that was part of it, was that she had those, Wendy from the Comedy Works had that wonderful backyard with that water feature. I think the water feature

might have been a little too much for background noise. Maybe that's what they were hearing. No, no, no. If I heard like gurgling water from a jacuzzi or a pool and I thought it was someone fucking slurping on a fucking stove.

No, they would have said it from the beginning because it was there the whole time. It never turned off. Thanks again to Wendy. That was so good. And we came in rolling seven deep like fucking rappers, but Joby's hooning up the steaks, Tracy's pouring the booze. I show up with a producer, a co- co-host a cook and a fucking bartender yeah

that was a yeah it was a strong showing and wendy curtis was fucking amazing i still don't know why she hates me it's a joke all right kenny let's get into this is going to be an actual like uh you know we try to incorporate the sponsor into our dialogue. But this time we really have to because our new sponsor is. Draft is what you search for in your app store to play it on your phone. If you go to PlayDraft.com, that's how you can play it on your computer. Draft.com, also draft. You can get there the same way, PlayDraft.com.

If you like typing more words. It's fantasy football. I don't know how it works. I've bet football for years and decades, but I never had the time to get into fantasy football. I was always about the uniforms. Is there a promotional code? No, you don't have to.

No, you worry about nothing. Put your phone away. You don't have to. No, you worry about nothing. Put your phone away. You don't have to sell this. You have to explain. We'll do the selling. You have to tell us how the fuck you play fantasy football. Okay, first it starts with a draft. You get your teams or your group of people that is safe.

For example, me, you, Chad Shank. Let's use that as an example. Have you ever played online? Yes, I do. I play online with some friends of ours. Let me tell you my illusion of what fantasy football is, and then you correct me. I would assume that if you're playing with friends,

that's what you do with Gabe. How many people are in that? It's like a league, right? There's like a social circle. I think 10 or 11 of us. All right, so when you draft players, you're the only guy that can get that player, just like a real draft.

But online, that can't be true. Well, it is. Not online, no. Online, there's a... You're still playing in a group. Just like that. You're still playing in a group. Just like our death pool.

Did Joby leave? I haven't seen him. Yeah, I think he group. Just like that. You're still playing in a group. Did Joby leave? I haven't seen him. Yeah, I think he did. Ah, shit. Joby could use Death Pool to help me figure out. So there's leagues like Death Pool. Yeah, it's basically a league. It's a group of people.

It doesn't matter. It can start from 10 to it. It can go up to 100. Who cares? They'll take however many teams. Well, there's not that many players, so it has to cap out. But a lot of the free leagues that you see online, there's multiple thousands of people playing them,

and they can pick in their different groups. You can all have this. How many people can have Tom Brady? In your group, one. In your group, one. But on draftraft.com... It's like a solo pick. On Draft.com, it's the same

style is what I'm understanding. No, it's the same. It's a solo pick. Like a funeral home. But you can change your team weekly from what I have been... You can change them all the time. That's what this is. You don't have to wait every week to be able to do it. I was talking to the guy over at

draft and he was saying doug and i are perfect for this because we have no idea what's going on and he said that's what we're doing this for we're making it so you don't have to wait once a week to do it you don't have to play in a big league with guys that are going to see you coming a mile away like like at a poker table and this makes it easier to jump in and jump out so you're not sitting there like poring over these things and you can have very small uh picks you can have just three players and you play three players against everyone else's three players all right which makes it more manageable so you're not spending a lot of time researching go ahead from what i've seen is pretty much the same thing. It's like leagues. They place for $1.18 or $1.18 for everybody to buy in.

The prize pool is like $6 or $8, and it's nine people, nine different people drafting. But that's... The season just started, as we're speaking. Do you already have your fantasy football team for this week? Yes. I could – look, I've got Tom Brady's my quarterback. I've got someone running back.

I can't remember none of their guys' names. I do have Kansas City defense, which I benched for Steelers defense. You know. All right. But, yeah, I drafted. Everybody drafted. We randomly picked for when you drafted in the round. And say I drafted seventh, so I got the seventh pick in mind.

And that's how you do it. Okay, what we're going to do with PlayDraft.com is we're going to have you pick the Funhaus fantasy team for this season. It goes season long, I assume. You can have all different kinds. I can run different things on this thing. Change guys each week. Yeah, but we're going to let Kenny do this.

We'll learn how to do it, but we're going to let Kenny run the Funhaus Doug Stano podcast fantasy team. And if you fuck up... I won't. Have you ever won? I did on my leagues last year. I did win one of them. How many did you play?

Three. And I drafted two of the guys I drafted auto, which you can do an auto draft where you don't even have to be there for it. It's like the quick pick. They'll pick them all for you. While the other guys are drafting live,

you're just getting what's coming up the best guy next is what they'll do for you for the auto draft, unless you cue them. All right. I'm going to do my account auto, and I'm going to play against you. How about that? We do that.

Yeah. Chaley, you'll set that up. I'll be the control. I'll be the control. I'll be the control. You'll do auto. I'll try and pick, but I don't know what any of it is. And Kenny will actually. Oh, you have an account too?

I have an account also. All right. Remember to auto pick, because you know what? I have to work on fucking material on the road. If I'm sitting around seeing who has a fucking ACL this week. Yeah, yeah. We could see the next. I don't know the quarterback of my favorite team.

I think it's still Carson Palmer for the Cardinals. He goes deep in the draft. Yeah, I'm going to go with auto pick. The beauty of this is that just like a celebrity death pool, which was a sponsor of ours for a long time, we know how that works. All the math is done. That's the same thing with this. You just go in, pick your picks, and be done.

And then you just watch. That's how it goes. Our league is called what? Stanhope's Crew. I set it up for, I think, nine. Okay. Well, no, ten people. Ten people.

Ten teams. So there's nine left. I'm waiting. You never know when they're going to come. So we'll take up two more. So we'll actually have room people, 10 teams. So there's nine left. I'm waiting. You never know when they're going to. So we'll take up two more. So we'll actually have room for seven more teams. I'm eventually going to get into this. We've canceled football for the first time in nine years, maybe.

We're not doing football at the Funhouse this year. I mean, it might be on while we're podcasting. If I happen to be home, I might stumble up. But it's not that fucking every Sunday shit, and now you're going to pull me right back into it. One way or another, you're doing football. Yeah.

I'm going to auto-pick until you beat me once, and then I'm going to learn this shit. I'm going to beat you the first week. Oh, wow. Okay. Well, then we're going to have to talk stakes. So let's get our first teams picked. Oh, wow. Okay. Well, we're going to have to talk stakes. So let's get our first teams picked. Oh, I already have the stakes.

Stocks, who said, next time you bet Kenny, make him do this, but don't tell him it was my idea. I'm like, of course I'm going to tell him it's your idea, because if he loses, you're going to want the credit. Last time it was MMA, and you what did you i lost my hair which is now back again wait wait you shaved it as a clown or something we shaved out the top and colored the sides bozo yeah well stock's idea is you have to get not lee press on nails but i'm sorry i looked at your wife because she's asian real fucking... Oriental. Oh, wait, no, I think you were right.

Sorry. Like a real... Like a real... Pacific Rim. You mean nails like my girlfriend gets? Yeah. That take... Yeah, they shave down your nail

and then they make long... You're going to have... Oh, they're beautiful, dude. Miss Pat nails. Are you fucking kidding me? I just assumed she has those nails. You're going to have to dial a phone with a pencil, dude. That's a good one, Stocks.

I'll give you the weekend to come up with an appropriate, equal, separate but equal kind of what I have to do. Oh, man. I'm going to have to get some outside ideas on that. Yeah, keep in mind you'll be traveling. You don't have your own ideas. Call Stocks. She's got to do oh man i'm gonna have to get some outside ideas on that yeah keep in mind you don't have your own ideas call stocks she's got no this is what this is for the end of the season right you could you could play it what are we betting i thought it was the first week you guys said oh no this bet oh i don't know if this nail bet's got to be like one of these one and done type

deals it's not gonna no it's gonna last a month oh fuck that so yeah you mean i gotta wear fucking leap press on nails if i no no no you I got to wear fucking Lee Press on nails? No, no, no. You just have to wear them for a week. We're going to figure out how long we're going to run this one game. Come and join me on Draft today. Download the app anytime. Just search Draft in your app store and join a game in minutes. Or play right from your computer on PlayDraft.com.

Whatever you want. I'm going to so get into this. I can feel it already. Hit it, Chad. For a limited time only, all new players get a free entry into a draft when you make your first deposit. But first, you have to use the promo code Stanhope.

That's right. Play a real money game for free just for using the promo code Stanhope on your's right. Play a real money game for free just for using the promo code Stanhope on your first deposit on Draft. Just search Draft in the App Store or go to playdraft.com and come play free with promo code Stanhope. All right, good. And you know what I just realized?

I know. Kreischer does fantasy football. So now I'm definitely going to have to fucking start playing. He's talked about this on the podcast. He sits at home. No, he sits in the hotel room. On the road on Sundays. Waiting to go to the gig on Sunday nights.

He's waiting. Packs all his shit. Everything's packed. Sitting by the door. He's got his computer up. He's got his phone up. I think two computers. Yeah, yeah.

He probably has an iPad or something. So he's got everything, and he's just picking all day until he goes to the gig that night. He's watching his players to see what they're scoring. Exactly. Man. I've been pretending to like football for, like, all preseason so that I could hang out with you guys for football season this year

and fit in. And now you guys took it to another level. Well, this is kind of what happens when Joby introduced the trade round on Death Pool. It used to be you just pick your team at the beginning of the year of who's going to die, and you wait a year

to see who wins. Now it's weekly. It's worse than Death Pool, which is monthly. We're going to have to do that kind of research every week. I think this could actually be done daily. It can be. That's worse than Death Pool, which is monthly. We're going to have to do that kind of research every week. I think this could actually be done daily. It can be. That's the worst. Yeah, yeah.

Drafts start every couple of minutes, so you can join right now. So in between all those times you're in the car driving to your next gig, you're going to be staring at your phone making pics. You know what I'm going to do, Kenny? I'm going to stare at Twitter because once we put this out, every fuckhead in the world is going to be going, hey, take the fucking Broncos defense this week. Don't think I can't watch that same Twitter feed.

That's great. I just can't wait to see him get those fingernails finally cleaned and get some nice long numbers on there. we'll get one of them uh flashy ones so like you'll see kenny walking like a mile away because it'll be fluorescent green fangs on his fingers i'll uh i'll uh i'll uh i'll quit smoking for a month. Only drink three drinks a night. He wants to do that. I'm not betting you that shit. You're crazy.

You might like long nails. No. I won't. You can hold your joints. I will not be able to play basketball for that whole time. Yes, you will. No, I won't. You won't be able to do it well, but you'll be able to play. No, I won't. You won't be able to do it well,

but you'll be able to play. No, I won't. Oh, I broke a nail, fellas. Hang on. You better win, then. I'll tell you that. In your bikini bottoms with your long nails?

Who can play hoops and heels? Yeah, that's what I say. Even if you just went tit for tat on the nail thing, Stanhope has to explain it to people. Nobody you know gives a fuck. Well, now fantasy football ends at the end of the regular season. No, we'd bet on the week.

We'd go fucking week. Hey, because you got guys injured, guys coming off of a disability. Does it go through Super Bowl? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It gets playoffs and shit, too. Wow. So, yeah, I could do anything for a month.

I take a month off after Super Bowl anyway, too. Wow. So, yeah, I could do anything for a month. You're pitying me. I take a month off after Super Bowl anyway. Yeah. Usually. Just a few weeks. You might be on a book tour. Oh, shit. God damn it.

No, that's December. Hey, pre-order the book now that we're fucking just doing a whole fucking infomercial of a podcast. Yeah, pre-order the book. It's important to pre-order the book. Just doing a whole fucking infomercial of a podcast. Yeah, pre-order the book. It's important to pre-order the book. This is not fame on Amazon. The pre-order numbers matter. So please pre-order it now.

I just sent off the final proofread copy, and thank God. I was not going to proofread it. I'm not a guy who knows fucking grammar or anything. But then i realized there was some major fuck-ups they found some stuff the first chapter they had put as part of the introduction i'm like oh god damn it i'm not gonna have to actually sit and read this and i caught a bunch of shit so it's good it's weird when I write... I purposely space out things with comic timing. So you read it, or I would read it like I would hear it. So when they cram...

No, that should be double-spaced. That would be the pause before you delivered the punchline. Like a script? Yeah, but it didn't work that way. You don't put that in the fucking paragraph. You pause, but it didn't work that way at all. That kind of thing where I'm obviously not the best writer in the world, but I know how to make the page look like how it would feel in a show.

Format. I can agree with you 100% because I didn't realize, I was telling Shaylee earlier, the Audible guy, Bruce, was here. He was the one who told me to, you know, if you want to do this, I can get stuff for you to do. So that's the reason why I was trying to do this now.

But he... I forgot what the fuck I was saying now. Formatting. Oh, I didn't realize how easy it was to read your book compared to trying to read other people's stuff. It's very, you know, I find myself like, well, you should rewrite that and put that space. Then I'm like, wait a minute, I'm not supposed to rewrite it.

I'm just supposed to read it, but it's hard to read. So your stuff is very easy to read. But you know Doug. You know Doug's voice. Well, that's true. The proofread, and again, I was not really, I mean, I skipped through as much as I could. I had to do it in a night and a morning. But italics are very important.

I don't want to hear this bullshit at all but i especially don't want to hear this bullshit from you like italics on the you emphasis yeah there was so many sentences where you go no the italics were you doing that there was one i was talking about scott capuro and I was talking about he's a gay comic, and I said something about how I used to justify using the word faggot as a word of weakness, but that night, not only was I the faggot, but I would have been the bottom, and they corrected it to at the bottom. and they corrected it to at the bottom.

They don't understand the phrase bottom, so they thought I missed a word. This guy's a dummy. So there's a million things that I'm sure I missed. Were you putting things in italics when you wrote it originally? I don't know. Yeah, ship it off. I try to.

So I don't know if I fucked up, but I know I didn't fuck up. Or they may have been correcting it. They fixed at the bottom. Well, that's good. It's done. I sent it off today and... Yep. And, uh... What are you...

Do you want to do any thank yous or anything from the road? Oh, I do have thank yous. Do you want to... Jonathan, that yellow pad. There's so many thank yous. I just remembered earlier, someone on the road gave me a a small silver butt plug that on the the the butt end of it uh was a picture of my mother like like you'd have like yeah about the size of a thing if you had a pin on your uh lapel like a

band button yeah yeah. That small. But it was laminated and it was my mother, a picture of my mother on a butt plug. Who thinks of that? I love that person. It's a Bonnie plug. That was in Denver. She had the pigtails. She's kind of a suicide girl looking.

Not the suicide girl, but... Yeah. I'm sure I'm missing a bunch. I tried to write them down. I get back. We're here for a matter of days and then go back on the hurricane run. Jesus.

Josh in Vermont sent miniature football players, little toy things that a child could choke on. I'd love to have those things around in case someone brings a fucking child over during football and choke on this. And I have this in my backpack, Chaley, I think, for the road, a Phil Hendry CD.

So, yeah, that'll be fun. Mishka and or ben from the the publishing company sent a my fair junkie by amy dresner it's a book again i i looked at the first chapter it's a page and a half and you go oh this is good i love reading. You look at the layout. Just sometimes you open a book and it's so fucking dense and everything's jammed together. Fucking emails. The emails you get where someone doesn't know how to make paragraphs and space it out where you go, oh, it's a cafe roca.

They give you a little bit of food, a portion at a time. They don't give you a fucking whole half a lamb. a portion at a time. I'll give you a fucking whole half a lamb. Mishka sent us albums, autographed. They'll be in the next eBay auction. Fuck away,

Mishka. I think I was a dick to Mishka last time I saw him, but I was right, but I was in a bad mood. I said it wrong. Straight Fish is a novel by Mike Knox. When I said novel, that means nonfiction. I mean, that means fiction.

It's about a prison guard, but I think it means fiction, so I'll re-gift that if it's fiction. But you got a plug anyway. What do you got, Chaley? Oh, I've got our dates coming up. You want me to read them? You want Chad to read them? Oh, yeah.

I got stuff, too, though. Oh, tell us stuff. Thanks to everybody who's giving me fucking little shit to fucking record for them for fucking whatever they're willing to give me. I really appreciate that. I needed a little bit of money to go on my vacation, and I made a little bit me. I really appreciate that. I needed a little bit of money to go on my vacation and I made a little bit, so I really appreciate that. But there was a couple people who just specifically didn't even

fucking ask me to do anything and just fucking give me money so that I could have my subscription to Voices.com and try to audition for shit. So, Sean Alaka and Mark Steers and Christopher, the guy who sent the mugs and the fucking TV. He always sends me shit.

That guy's cool. He probably doesn't want me to use all of his names. Is he the guy that sends the Boeing shit? No, no. Hennigan and I went to that Pima Air Museum. It's all fucking old military planes. Yeah, in Tucson. We thought, hey, we're driving by it anyway.

Let's stop in. It's got all sorts of weirded out art planes and shit and old JFK's Air Force One thing. I said, well, we're going to start drinking at four o'clock in the afternoon, so if we just

run through this museum, we could say we did something. So he sped walked. Hennigan's the only guy i know that walks as fast as me we sped walked through this giant outdoor 50 acres it's huge yeah it took uh yeah it took a handful of pictures and went hey see we did something cultural let's go get fucking hammered at the hotel bar. His heart grew a little bigger. I wanted to do this on the podcast. Chad, here's 85 bucks people have handed me during the tour at the merch booth. I love 85 bucks.

Thanks, guys. Are you still doing the coaching coaching thing should we mention that uh i have i haven't done i haven't done the thing uh at sean at sp presents as sean pratt is is the guy that i'm going through as my coach but i've only done the one session with him i got homework but it involves learning um getting a template and learning punch and roll that I'm going to talk about with Shaley. It's an audio technique. That guy has had some complications. I haven't been able to Skype with that guy, but I'm doing that tomorrow night. All right.

But, yeah, plug him again. He's going to be going to Sean Pratt at SP Presents on Twitter. And Sean Pratt, Sean Pratt Presents, he's a really good established audio book narrator, and he's one of the best coaches out there if anybody's interested in that. And like I said, I'm

learning a lot. I'm learning quite a bit already. You go into something blind not knowing the industry at all, it's good to know at least what the coaches are trying to teach people and then you can learn from there and go from there what's going on. Chad went up twice on stage to introduce the show. I did.

First time, he went, ah, I fucked that up. And the second time, he knew exactly what he fucked up, and he's like, ah, I'm going to do it this way, and he did. I really wish you were going to be on this fucking hurricane tour we're doing. Maybe sometime in the future. Where's that fire? Maybe I moved him to a fucking folder. tour we're doing. Maybe sometime in the future. I don't know what the fuck's going on here. Are we still going? I can still do more. Thank you.

Is it audioshank.com? Audioshank.com. It just redirects to my Twitter account because I don't have a thing. Email me at audioshank at icloud.com. All right. And then I can. But that's also on the Twitter.

Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Twitter is the easiest place. I appreciate everything. A guy in Denver made me a pipe. Oh, yeah. That was nice.

People brought us weed on the road. That was, you know, everybody was fucking. I got a lot of thank yous. We got so much weed on the road that was you know like everybody was fucking i got a lot of thank you we got so much shit on the road like we i really appreciate it and i i apologize to everyone that i'm such an asshole about the merch booth and the pictures but when you've come out of that kind of a show it's like coming out of a fist fight and then you'll all immediately have to turn into politician mode and I don't want to

take a picture because I know how fucking awful my head looks yeah it's a personal thing it's nothing about you it's not like I don't like you I just don't I don't know what to do with my face and I keep saying I just I try to hug you and I try to barter hugs instead of pictures,

and then you want both. We rolled through pretty good on that last one. I know, but I understand. Then you see other comics that are fucking nice to people. I sign every autograph. Why? Like, we're old people. How many autographs have you ever got that you kept?

Jesus. But yeah, you want to be nice in the moment. I'm trying to be a better person. When they're on a kick-ass poster, well, you probably want to keep it. Yeah, but if people hand you a cocktail napkin, like, you're going to keep that. You're going to blow your nose in it

later and it's gonna be all blood because the meth was mostly fucking chlorine how did this sharpie get on my face hang on this since we're going into dates this this guy drops every fucking beat you could possibly i i want to say his real name but i i can't but it's a name you want to say it's a mad magazine name so give me a say it's uh uh uh let's say his name is Merle Merkins. It's such a funny name anyway. But the Dallas show where we start September 13th in this year of our Lord 2017. September.

It's September. Yeah. Hey, Doug, I'm the asshole inallas who brings you the stolen hotel bibles i'm sure you do but a lot of people do too to quote edberg kind of i used to and i haven't been at dallas for a year so i yeah i don't remember last night got you another stack waiting got one small problem just got paid today and found out next thursday addison improv show is sold out i'd gladly pay you through paypal if you could put me and my wife on the list i'll also buy you some rounds of your favorite cheap vodka and limes at that little shithole bar around the corner from the improv after the show i also have everyone's favorite pool ball

stashed away for us all as well. I've scheduled next Thursday off for the occasion. Are you seeing every beat? Also, friends with JT and Bingo as well, meaning Facebook. My bipolar wife's about to shit fit because it sold out. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

You're my only hope. Tell Brian and Bingo I said hi, like smoking hi to people that don't. Brian? Yeah, neither smoke pot. No, Brian doesn't even say hi to people. You know, I work for them crazy fucks at Hotel Chain Deleted. Hell, I can even get your room hookup.

So, question. What stolen room Bibles do you want more for the merch table? The regular ones or the Mormon ones? I can hook you up. Let me know. You just might keep my wife from landing me on your dead pool this year oh you just he dropped i'll buy you booze i'll buy you coke and i wrote it's uh sorry murley whatever uh but it's sold out kind of like when a flight is sold out Burley, whatever.

But it's sold out. Kind of like when a flight is sold out or a hotel is sold out, it's sold out. I don't know how many times I have to say this in a pocket. It's sold out. I say it twice. It's sold out, sold out. That's it. This guy sounds like the ultimate planner other than purchasing tickets.

Like he thought of every angle. Ducks in a row. Every single angle. Hang on. Every beat was hit. Hang on. I'm not done yet. Let me do a reread. I forgot to drop J.T. Habersat.

I can put that there. I almost forgot to put J.T. Habersat there. I gave Chad Shank $40 to read my voicemail. Thank you. So I just wrote him back, and I said all that, and I said, but at least you still have the name. I just want to say his fucking name. But, yeah, he's mentioning Coke, so I can't.

But I said, at least you still have the name Merle Merkinson. If you were my friend, I would always call you by your full name, Merle Merkinson, because it's almost like a nickname inside itself. Yeah. I wish I had a better parallel. Anyway, so yeah, if it's sold out, yeah, I guess a lot of people sometimes don't show up.

If you're on Twitter, follow me at Doug Stanhope. If someone tweets, hey, I'm not going to be able to show up. If you know anyone who wants these tickets, I will retweet it. That is a great way. We don't get involved.

Doug will tweet it or I'll say, hey, Doug, this person's looking to sell their tickets. And Doug will tweet, hey, if you're looking to buy a ticket, this guy has them, and then let go. We don't do any more than that. And on the day, like Denver. People don't show up. If you hang out outside the show and people don't show up,

I don't even know how that works because they bought tickets. It doesn't. Like Denverver they released more seats so we could in advance say there's more tickets available there's a hundred more tickets available that was great but the improvs those if they're sold out they're sold out if there's any tickets available that that is a what we determine after doug's already on stage yeah we don't have a list hey put me on the list like we have some vip booth that's oh in case someone begs me i don't want to make that money right off the bat i want to wait till someone really really sweat

well if you hey delta saw that flight was sold out but i really need to get out of the fucking hurricane zone. I got bumps. I'll suck your dick. I'll take a middle seat between the middle and the window seat. I'll sit on a fucking armrest. All right. Call to action. Killer termites will close on this. You don't have to do it, but they need things for high school kids that are broke.

And our neighbor who has never called the cops on us once and listened to 12 years of our bullshit and our bands and Bird Cloud and Mishka and Kenny rapping and nonsense. and they still like us she's the principal of the school and she had a letter to the editor in the bisbee observer for fucking disadvantaged kids going to school they call it what do they call it chaley what are they the puma free store puma free store? Puma free store. And they were asking for any kind of just basic shit. Toiletries. When I tweeted it, someone said, why did they say teen size feminine products?

Like, there's... There is a difference? Well, there was a dude that tweeted me, and I go, yeah, that's a good question. Queen Tex text says Floyd good work anyway small bottles of shampoo she said that's what caught

my eye is you know those hotel bottles of shampoo that you have laying around and I'm like oh fuck we're gonna load up on the road we're gonna hit every made cart and send them to. Ready?

Pause the podcast and get a pen. Because you're going to send any kind of thing a broke kid needs. Pens, pencils. Mouthwash. Back to school notebooks. Anything. This is for real. This is not a fuckwit.

This is for real. And it definitely helps people. Flood them. And on your return address, just write killer termites with your return address. And don't be weird. These are fucking kids. You can be funny, but don't be fucking weird like you are. Kid funny.

Not us funny. But send them shit. Just go through your cabinets and find that. Oh, you you know remember when i was gonna uh i was gonna teeth whiten but it takes five whole minutes whatever just find shit and send it killer termites just make me proud on this one sealed we don't have to say that jaylee the address is puma free Store, Attention Bisbee High School, 100 Old Douglas Road, Bisbee, Arizona,

85603. 85603. Yeah, Puma is P-U-M-A if you don't have those kind of wildcats where you live. Puma. Puma Free Store. Yeah, just load them up with anything a

fucking broke kid would need. Shampoo, lotion, shower cap, vanity kit. Brass knuckles, a blackjack. There's people just loitering around the Puma free store to make fun of the fucking poor kids. Don't send those things. At least don't send those things. No, don't do that. Positive things.

Kind of like when we heckle at baseball. We keep it family friendly. Make them feel good. Make them feel good. Yeah. Make them feel good. But yeah. Don't specifically go out and buy junior size feminine hygiene products. You're going to seem weird. But if you have some already in your cabinet for some reason, send those.

You don't think we have 15-year-old girl listeners? I know for a fact we don't. We probably don't. Hey, let's read the dates. Let's get out of here. All right, dates. Doug Stanhope tour dates. September 13th.

I'll read these anyway just to rub it in. September 13th, Dallas, Texas is sold out. Sold out. At the Addison Improv. Don't try to get it on a list. Same thing goes on September 14th, Houston, Texas at the Improv. Sold out. Again, Houston. the Improv. Sold out. Again, Houston.

It's in the hurricane belt. There's probably a lot of people that don't even have homes, and they bought tickets before the hurricane. So, yeah, you show up at the gig. You might get a seat, but I can't guarantee it. Might just be people bought tickets looking for a place to spend the night. September 15th. Lafayette, Louisiana.

Club 337. Just, you know what? just read the fucking places. September 16th, New Orleans, Louisiana. September 18th. Yeah, don't even read the date. Just tell them where we're going to be. They'll look it up on my website. This is why I didn't want to do it.

That's why I kept saying it. Mobile, Alabama. Pensacola, Florida. Tallahassee, Florida. Gainesville, Florida. Jacksonville, Florida. Daytonacola, Florida. Tallahassee, Florida. Gainesville, Florida. Jacksonville, Florida. Daytona Beach, Florida. Orlando, Florida.

Scene of the crime, Daytona. Tampa, Florida. West Palm Beach. Austin, Texas. Chicago, Illinois. Austin, I will make sure that's not on this run. So that's October is Austin. Oh, you said not to read dates. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In November, I got two dates. sure that's not on this run so that's October is Austin oh yeah

well you said not to read dates November we got two dates November is Chicago Illinois and Seattle Washington and yes we will be adding Portland unless Brian doesn't want a fucking job anymore so yeah

that's that and those will at least that'll branch out yeah on the mailing list if you're on the mailing list you're not going to hear me on fucking morning radio unless it's a lark so get on the mailing list if they sell out the mailing list finds out first i'm coming so it's your own goddamn fault dougstandupup.com. We don't send you spam. I don't send out newsletters. I don't tell you about my morning. I just tell you when I'm going to be in your town.

So that's it. Thank you, Chad Shag. Thank you, Kenny. Thank you, Tom. Thank you, Greg Chaley. Thanks, everyone in the audience. Thank you, Doug. We'll be back with another podcast right after this drunk