The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #225: James Inman & A Feel Good Suicide (End of the Tour in Denver)

Episode Date: September 18, 2017

It's the end of the tour in Denver and Doug goes over the highlights, talks to listener Krystal about her friends suicide and tries to understand why James Inman has any friends left.Recorded Aug 31st, 2017 at the Oriental Theatre in Denver, CO with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Andy Andrist (@andyandrist), James Inman, Krystal, Matt, Rob Lightner, & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.Doug's second book, "This Is Not Fame", is now available for pre-order on Amazon - http://amzn.to/2xR3ASA . (Book scheduled for release Dec. 05, 2017).This episode is sponsored byBrooklinen - Get $20 off AND free shipping when you use promo code STANHOPE at Brooklinen.com.Dollar Shave Club - For a limited time to new members, get the ‘Sh*t, Shower, Shave’ Starter Set for only $5. This starter set features their Executive Razor and 3 trial-sized versions of their most popular products that help you stay fresh and clean. This offer is exclusively available at Dollar Shave Club.com/STANHOPE.Blue Apron - Check out this week’s menu and get your first THREE meals FREE—WITH FREESHIPPING—by going to BlueApron.com/STANHOPEMore Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List.LINKS:Chad Shank Voice Over info at AudioShank.comSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Unless we do one more beat with Inman to put at the end. Well, yeah. Inman's good wherever you put him. You ready? Ready. All right. I had to rush through merch. And Denver, this crowd was so fucking good.

I told you during the show, I'm going to come to the merch booth. I'll sign all your shit. But we're going to do it so quickly like a military expedition. Sign, picture, click, go. Because we have so many people here to podcast with at the last night of the tour. I got Chad Shank here.

Chaley's here. Andy's here. And then everybody else that's not on a mic is here. Mike. Inman, Joby, Mrs. We don't have a... It's kind of a moniker. Tracy and Chaley are the Traley's.

And Doug and Bingo are Dingo's. It's the same reason I've never had a nickname. How do you come up with something better than Shank? Yeah, but Jenny and Shank. Jank? Jankies. The Jankies. Yeah, Jankie is a word that Derek introduced me to.

That makes me think of a heroin addict. I don't like you. I might punch you if you call me that. Well, we only refer to you as that. I wouldn't call you that. No. I would say to the Shanks. I like the Shanks. I would say to the Tr me that. Well, we only refer to you as that. I wouldn't call you that. No. I would say to the Shanks. I like the Shanks.

I would say to the Traley's, they are the Janks on this. I like that. Just the Shanks. Yeah. Inman is here. James Inman. He's hovering around in the background. Yeah.

The Ginmans. We got a cast of a dozen. A lot of times James says he's just getting his own drink, and then he'll just steal a drink that's already sitting there. How did Andy get on this podcast? Because it's a wrap-up, motherfucker. I know. And I was in the wrap.

We're doing an unplanned wrap-up of the end of the tour. Last we left you. Where? Me? Actually, maybe, yeah. Shaley's notes would be helpful. No, we got notes. Because that was like days ago.

We don't need notes. I know where we left Shank. If you don't remember it, it wasn't that important. We left Shank in Grand Rapids. Shank flew out of grand rapids and we thought oh this tour is never gonna end but but it has yeah fast after we dropped off shank i mean we had not for me because not for you yeah poured a little weed that worked out yeah that was that was uh yeah yeah'm sober, so it worked out good. We left you.

Did we already talk about the Lansing Lugnuts? I think we did. No. No, no, we did the podcast that just went out. After they get burned on the Coke? Yeah, we did that one. That was Kalamazoo. We didn't get burned on the Coke.

We bought meth, and then we returned it to him, and then he took off. And he said we got burned on Coke. Yeah. You did Coke. We didn't get burned on Coke. That guy just had a bad meth return policy. But anybody who listens to this podcast. Always save your receipts.

Always. If you wanted Coke and anybody from the podcast could go get it for you, who is the least person likely that would get you Coke? That's me. Proven time and time again. You're right. I'm trusting.

People have a line. I bought vacuum cleaners from people. I trust people. You're the only guy who did Coke with that guy in his car earlier. Right. Yeah. That was like the guy that you meet on a cheap golf course, like the Turquoise Valley in Naco.

Yeah. And he looked like an old golfer dude. He looks like, where's your friend? Where's your fucking high school friend? Is he here still? Oh, no. He left. Well, he looked like that guy.

And he kept telling us jokes like, oh, you want to hear a joke like street jokes yeah what do you call a mexican with a fucking this and that a piñata i do i do think we talked about this before because i remember saying that he told jokes off of rerun rerun so then the next day after they got burned on coke All right, so then the next day after they got burned on coke. Meth. That was Lansing. I know, but you kept saying that, Chad, and I trust you implicitly. You go, trust me, I know meth. But we all went to bed at 1130.

Well, nobody did it. You're snorting meth. We didn't do any of it. Oh, I thought you really turned it. She really dumped it out, and I could tell right away by the way it clumped together what it was. All right, that makes more sense. And then I pounded my finger in it and put it in my mouth, and it tasted like I chewed up an Excedrin. So I said, yeah, that's methamphetamine.

Or Excedrin. Well, yeah. Good point, because I did lose my headache. Let's get to it, because the next day is the day I remember. Totally got ripped off on Excedrin that night. Because the next day is the day I remember. Totally got ripped off on Excedrin that night. We're trying to remember the best beats. With Chad, Shank, and Andy, the next day we went to Lansing,

and they had AAA ball. Single A. Whatever. Lansing Lugnuts. The one that was closest to pro. The Lansing Lugnuts walking distance. Lugnuts. There you have it.

And we go, fuck it. Let's just go watch a ball game. We had the night off, I think. No, it was before the show. It was before the show. But the ballpark is right beside the show. They ain't drinking. I don't know that it was a great idea,

because it was a lot of sun and booze. Well, I bought the, all right, what's the most expensive fucking seats I could get? Like, we're going to be VIPs. We just all ate, and then you bought the barbecue package. The Pepsi Pavilion. Barbecue patio package. Lug.

Nuts. Lug. So, yeah, it's ridiculous. And then we're in the only part of the stadium that's in direct beaming hot sunlight. The whole time, yeah. And I'm like, this is the most... The tickets you got came with like free

hot dogs. All you can eat brats after we just had lunch. We had ate lunch already, but then by the time we walked around the ballpark and Andy fielded fly balls and stuff like that, we were hungry again. So we were like, I'm going to go over and make this ticket worth it and get some fucking bratwurst.

And they'd shut the whole thing down. Well, hang on. You and Andy decided to stroll the entire perimeter of the ballpark so you could find a secret place to get high. Well, that's true. And in the meanwhile, by the way,

did we sell the can? The can was on the merch booth And we were cleaning it up I threw it in the trash But then I found it It's right there Or a reasonable facsimile A guy goes $80

It was free a second ago Try to remind me when we go to break To explain the can Andy On his hike with Chad Shank to find a secret place to get high, somehow grabbed a home run ball. Yeah, yeah. Trapped it. Trapped it.

No one was really out there. Yeah, no, it was me and Chad looking. This would be a good place to get high. And then the ball bounced, and I ran and got it. So Andy grabs a home run. This would be a good place to get high. And then the ball bounced, and I ran and got it. So Andy grabs a home run. We're sitting over there at the Pepsi Pavilion. Andy comes back with Chad high and sits down by.

We think he's going to fuck with the opposing team because he's right where their dugout is on third baseline. He's wearing a Lansing Lugnuts jersey. Which he bought for $80. Actually, that ties in. That's important. So we are watching Andy with a lot of trepidation. Like, all right, I'm sober. Andy's going to start talking shit to the opposing team.

Wait a minute. To be fair, we weren't exactly sober by this point. Sober for me. Well, yeah. I wasn't shaking. We were obnoxious in the way that we are at the Bisbee home team ball club. We were, you know. Even a little bit with Tracy's gag that we started.

Yeah. And I sat one seat away from where the bullpen is. A little bit. Just a tiny bit compared to Bisbee. Just a tiny bit. Well, everybody else was boring. Yeah, but it was kids' day. Remember that?

It was kids' day at the park. What happened? I remember Andy heckling because they had, where they lined up some babies on the field and made them crawl. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, they tried to do frog races with babies. Abort him. And the babies didn't move.

And then all the ballplayers are getting fucking, this bullshit, like they do with Bisbee baseball. Yeah, babies don't move. Fucking baseball players suck shit. They're fucking the worst. I've done bits about it. They're fucking, this is where Inman would agree with me. They're fucking the worst. I've done bits about it. They're fucking... This is where Inman would agree with me.

They're fucking cops. They're fucking cops. Baseball players are cops. They're humorless fucking assholes. So then when we see Andy go down, after he's got his home run ball, very proud and not sober, high as shit.

Yelling about retarded jokes when there was a retarded kid eight feet in front of us. Oh yeah, did I forget about that? Oh yeah. I mentioned retards and then there was one. Well, listen, it was just the one time. You did really well after that.

He has small ears, so they don't receive... Every time there's someone that you go oh i'm i'm looking out the the door yeah there's a small door between the breakfast buffet and us and andy and there's a black lady you go oh fucking andy if I don't tell him not to, he's going to say something racist about black people. No, I'm not racist. If I tell him not to, he'll definitely say something. I just told you not to say that.

You can't win. And that was one of the times I saw the retarded kid right in front of us. Retarded people aren't like black people. I'm like, no, I'm not a fucking retard. Oh, God damn it. Tracy was trying to flag him with signals. Yeah. I just had a story that involved a person of retarded noggin.

Listen, it only made me laugh harder. Yeah. Andy goes down by the third baseline, and we see him sit alone between people, but right there in front of the players of the opposing team. And I'm like, oh, thank God we're not. But I never saw you talking shit. I knew you must be, but I didn't. But at some point, someone hit a foul ball right at you and uh and the chair swiveled

so i'm right there the guys knew i was gonna fuck with them you know what your chairs swivel if you go to a lansing lug lug nuts game and you buy the 35 all you canyou-can-eat Brat seats, the chairs will swivel, unlike the other $8 seats that were empty. And really, the only thing I could think of is, like, you guys wanted to smoke some weed after the game or whatever. I had nothing. But when the ball came, I swiveled

back in the chair. I got up, and it's coming to me. I got this. I got this. Wearing your jersey. I had a lug nut jersey. You'd already spent $80 on a jersey after you got high. And the Cubs, their cool hat. And I made a play on it. It was right there.

It's in my mitt. There it goes. It's in my mitt. I caught it. But it didn't go in my mitt. It hit my forearm and bruised the foot. Also, you have no mitt. You had no mitt.

You reach for it. It smashes bruise the foot. Also, you have no mitt. You had no mitt. You reach for it. It smashes you in the forearm. We miss it somehow. The only exciting part of this ball game is where foul balls could hit us in the eye. Yeah, yeah. Watch every pitch because if you're talking whack, you lose a fucking cheekbone. Well, Andy's paying attention, and he reaches up to grab this foul ball, smashes him in the inside of his forearm.

About four inches from my mitt, which wasn't a mitt. It was more of a hand. But I had the fucking play, and I got up. Nobody else was like, oh, no, back up, man. I got this. It was just me and the Cubs players watched me and I had a fucking beat on it.

Well, they had just handed out free ice cream sandwiches so the retarded kid was busy. So you had no competition for this foul ball. So it's my ball and I have it but I missed it by about four inches

of, you know, roughly the size of James Inman's erect penis. And ran up like a fucking pussy, going, look at my red mark. Well, no, I wanted to get some meds because it hurt.

He's like pointing out, I almost caught that foul ball, which is the one foul ball we didn't see. We must have been busy finishing our brats. Or did I cleverly hit myself with a hammer and lie about the whole thing? Either way. But I might be an opiate addict.

You never know. We blend in. Andy's not happy enough with a red mark where he almost caught a ball. He's going to go to the first aid tent. Well, when I went to get a free drink, when I went to get a free drink, she said, you should probably go talk to them at the tent. And I'm thinking,

oh, fuck yeah, I'll tell them I'm allergic to Vicodin and they'll give me, you know, because that's, you know, like I don't like French fries with salt and they'll make you new bads. But if you go, I don't like Vicodin,

they'll give you a Percocet or you upgrade. Morphine. You were crushables. You were looking for oxys for a red mark. It did hurt. James Inman set in Kansas City was more painful than the foul ball

you missed. And you go to a first aid tent hoping to get some kind of fucking cancer drugs. Well, but it lumped up and it was visibly beautiful. So why not go? You still never even made a bruise days later.

Yeah, yeah. Tracy says it did. It was like the eclipse if you were in Iceland. But here's the thing. The Cubs will never win another World Series because they laughed at me. It wasn't funny. I made a nice play. They should have said, nice play, dude.

I know you're drunk. That's an error, dude. That's an error. That's not a nice play. No, I mean, you know, Parkman. Yeah. So they kind of cunted me, and I was a Cubs fan. But after that, the way they laughed, it was.

They gave him an ice pack. He asked for a painkiller. They gave him an ice pack, and he came back like he got fucked. Hey, y'all, you gave me an ice pack. I'm sorry. I'm doing James Inman. Believe it or not, the uncertified old ladies at the first aid tent did not have any pain medicine. They only had a fucking...

Unbelievable that you thought that would happen. Yeah, well, why not? I mean, you know, man, it hurt. Why not? People go to doctors and can't get fucking those kind of drugs. I know, but they don't have a real anecdotal story. Like, I've just heard or whatever. I'm like, there it is.

It's fucking lumped up, man. Do you think if that was possible, those guys dressed up like the Ghostbusters would be taking pictures with people? They'd be down there fielding foul balls all day long trying to get opioids from the fucking nurse ladies. But we are an opiate district, so people would lean in, like, you know, lean their wife in or whatever. Oh, she got hit in her noggin.

She needs an oxy. So I know why they wouldn't give them to me. It's a valid point. You still don't know why they wouldn't give them to you. I want to say, because we are at the end of the end of the end of the tour. End of time. We are in the green room, chain smoking in a hot strip mall area.

Strip mall across from the club. It's the green room, and there's a lot of people here that are an audience. And I look at these people, Chad. These are the people that listen to the podcast when they're stuck in traffic for two hours a day. Oh, my God. They're not laughing. So it's really kind of debilitating when people are looking at their watch and have fallen asleep. You can leave at any time, but we're going to keep doing the podcast.

I just had to. Yeah, you can go. You don't have to go. You can check out any time you like, but. Memories of. Chad was only on the road. Chad was only on the road for three days. Any other memories?

I don't remember Grand Rapids when you left. No, I think that wraps it up. I don't remember much of anything. You did go up the first time. Chad went up and introduced us tonight, but you did go up. What's going on? Fucking Andy, shut the fuck

up. I thought you guys were off. No, we're moving on. Where's the mic? No, we're doing a wrap up. No, we're moving on. No, no, we're doing a wrap-up. Alright, do the wrap-up.

You guys had a comment, but that's okay. You can't have a comment. You're not on until later. Fort Wayne, do you remember? He's not a dwarf. His name's Adam Gilbert He's the opener Adam Gilbert

Yes He's not a dwarf I don't know what it's called He's very short He's like three foot five or something But he's got the wiggly sideways diagonal knees and ankles And giant hands and giant head But the

He's like 68 pounds. He's real small. He had to crawl up onto the stool, like a high stool. We were sitting in this bar next to the venue. We're close to the end of the tour, so my nerves get frayed. And they said,

Chaley tells me they have two openers. I go no we have no openers and I forget We had agreed that Adam would open Days before. Oh we have two openers. You handled it. No we'll do one and they

alright we agreed to one and Chaley says he's a little person. I go, oh, fucking great. Because on this tour, Andy can't fucking emcee. Like, he can't go out and go, hey, how's everyone doing? No, how is everyone doing? Chad Shank can do it, and he's never been on stage except for twice now.

Andy, so I go out and I introduce the show and then Andy goes up or if there's two comics like tonight, James Inman brings up Andy, then I come out and headline. Yeah. Takes the pressure off

Andy having to say something welcoming. Well, I mean there's nothing really welcoming about anything. See? So there you have it. So that night, I go, oh, good. This is good.

I don't have to go up first. I have a little person. They're going to give him the same respect they give me because when a fucking three-foot-five fucking dwarf with a giant head and giant fucking jazz hands comes out. Yeah, he's a star, too. Yeah. He actually had a normal-sized head and normal-sized arms,

but the rest of it. Unlike a midget. A midget has a giant head. Yeah. This guy had a normal head, but big piano hands. I feel like that's standards that you made up. He was built like a... I thought dwarves had giant heads.

Pin the tail on a donkey or something. Whatever it is. The guy walked like a crab, and he had wiggly ankles. But he was funny. You bet him $100 that he wouldn't go up. Well, here's the thing. We're in a gay bar. We do a lot of different kinds of green rooms.

We don't usually have this. Thank you, the owner who just left. Scott. A lot of times we have the van. We sit in the van behind a rock and roll club and by a fire exit. And that's where we can sit. The blue arrow star with centerline rails. The best are by a dumpster

I think anyway fucked up go back the way you're doing god damn it Andy you're no James Inman so Doug you were saying so this green room was a gay bar that was

kind of connected to the Fort Wayne venue it had a common door we walked to the Fort Wayne venue. It had a common door. We walked into that Fort Wayne venue and knew immediately this is going to be a good show. Tiny, holds like 120 people, but good. And the bar next door is a gay bar in Indiana, the worst fucking state. We can sit out on the patio of the gay bar and no one's gonna find us

and that's when you brought in the opening act the little person and i didn't know he's gonna be that little he was a little tiny little who's got you in the belly i'm gonna hold it like a cat so i was polite at first because i was on my first drink. But by my second drink, I was like, all right, good to meet you. I don't want to bother you. I go, no, you can hang out. You want a drink? He goes, sure. And we're sitting at a bar top-sized table,

and I pulled a bar stool in just because I wanted to watch him crawl up on it. Yeah, yeah. It was like watching a spider. But, yeah, when you slid the stool over, we both wanted to. You know what I was doing? Oh, yeah, no. Yeah, and when he crawled up, it was perfect.

And then the third drink, I said, hey, we're about to go. I go, I'll give you $100. He's only doing five minutes. I go go i'll give you a hundred dollars he's only doing five minutes i go give you a hundred bucks if you don't mention your size or your condition on stage and he goes yeah sure i i hardly do anyway i'm like oh fuck this guy's gonna be funny and he was he was funny he's not like other like giant fat people or dwarves or whatever if you if you have a hand growing out of your head and you can go on stage and not address it and just talk about whatever pop culture or any other thing and you'd never address the fucking hand that's growing out of

your head because your mother fucking took steroids when she was stanhope told me that he liked him because if you guys took him on the road, you guys would have a lot more room. Well, here's the thing. Andy has this huge bag. Andy wears one pair of jeans or one pair of slacks and a shirt, and he gets a new

coat every time we go to a thrift store every day. So he's just... They just revolve a different coat, but his bag is fucking like he's got cougar hands in there. It's fucking heavy. Yeah. It's stuffed. It's stuffed.

Andy will change his outfit in the hotel room three different times in a day and shower three times in a day and then come back and put on something else. I watched him change his shirt so many times in a day and then come back and put on something else. I watched him change his shirt so many times before a podcast the last time that I thought you guys were

filming it. I was like, what? Why is Andy changing his shirt so many times? Well, he sweats a lot because he shaves all of his body hair all the time. He gets his sweat rings under his... I sponge my body hair.

It's not an uncommon thing. So that's why we were giving him shit, saying that Adam would take up so little room. We could put Adam in the space that just Andy's bag... Yeah. Shaylee could lift a bag of Adam and all his shit. Plus his bag would be little. He would be the bag.

Adam, his family, his whole fucking car. And Chaley's would still be lighter than my bag. But it's just a light bag. Little people. They're fun. And they seem delightful. But when you get on the road with them, they turn into Inman. What were you saying?

I will take Adam Gilbert on the road you picked him up when we did the merch booth at Fort Wayne you picked him up and set him in front of you I set him in a like his wiggly spaghetti legs I set him down Indian style on the merch booth and he still

only came up to my chin and I stroked his full head of hair and I told people that he was the golden child and for a dollar he could choose your lottery numbers but he was like he played along he's a great sport yeah yeah he was fucking great college kid i mean he's just finishing he's finishing college 68 pounds of liquor yeah yeah he was drinking but he's just finishing college. He held his 68 pounds of liquor. Yeah, yeah. He was drinking, but he took little tiny sips. Are you saying I don't have... I hold my liquor.

What's that? Say that again. What are you talking about? I mean, the real talk. What else? The beats from the road, Andy. The baseball game? Or Chaley.

No, from the fucking rest of... I don't know, but... Wherever we were. I don't know. We went to... When did I get to the Bible moment where I stopped drinking. I don't know. We went to. When did I get to the Bible moment where I stopped drinking? You guys went to Detroit and Flint after I left. Those are the last two standing shows we're ever going to do. Yeah, we're never going back to standing in Detroit.

Flint, Michigan. I apologize for that. Andy, hold on. That was the fucking. Yeah, I was so off my game. We shouldn't have been there in a stand. You mean Detroit, right? Detroit.

Flint. Flint. The machine shop is fucking brilliant. That's Chad Shank. I was so hoping Chad Shank would be there for the machine shop in Flint. It's like a biker bar, but it's standing. But it was, I can't even. Yeah, it's hard.

Just going out and you go, oh, they have the dance floor, which is like from here to there. So, you know, 10 yards at least from the first person. And then there's a dance floor, which there's comics here. You know, that's fucked up. And then you're on a stage that has motorcycle chains as a gate around you it's all biker themed and i go oh this is fucked i'm sorry i didn't know like can we move those and the entire crowd all picked up their table at once and moved them to the front yeah

their stools, they just whoop. There was so many great moments. There was a moat of no people in that dance floor area, but everyone was seated at the high tables in the back. And everyone was being polite until the show started. If you go out and there's nobody

for 30 feet. And if the standing room only comes out onto the dance floor, then the seated people can't see a fucking thing. Who got there first. Yeah. And I go, hey, can you guys do immediately? The entire crowd slid all the tables. All of their shit to the front and the standing stayed in the back.

That's the other thing. And I happened or talked about it on stage tonight twice where someone was too fucked up. I had them throw themselves out. That's working pretty good. You're not going to make it. You get that. I've been Twitter. I'm still drinking pregame at the Stan Hope.

They're drinking in a parking lot, and then they're too drunk to be there. And they keep yelling at you like it's a conversation, and they go, you're not going to get better. No one gets sober in the course of a heckler response. Why don't you do the right thing and just throw yourself out? It's so much less humiliating. And two times on this tour, people right goodbye people applaud them out kansas city it happened yeah kansas that was the last one what happened tonight uh in uh in denver with

the can i didn't see any of the show tonight it was uh the endless rape uh diatribe and before i could get to the part right before i get to the part that made it okay for everyone. Will you explain? Stick with me to the end because you're not going to like some of these things. And if you don't agree with, give me a chance to explain it. If you don't agree with me at the end, then leave. But wait to the end.

Don't cheat yourself of hearing me out. Somebody didn't wait. Yeah, the guy, his brother came in at the end of the show. I'm sorry that was my brother or friend or whatever. He's just fucked up. Yeah. But it's still. Yeah, he threw an empty can of Pabst Blue Ribbon at me and missed.

And I only looked back because it sounded like a pack of cigarettes. You know when you drop change when you're broke and you know if it's a nickel or a quarter by the sound? It sounded like a pack of cigarettes. It's going to become the new... That's going to go grab it. It's going to become the new Doug Stanhope heckle. People just hug packs of cigarettes on the stage.

The kid was wearing some fucking LeMay bedazzled jacket. And he was a little bit bigger than Adam Gilbert, the midget. He's wearing like a bedazzled vest or something. Like it was a Michael Jackson Halloween costume. I know who you're talking about. Oh, you know who I'm talking about? Why? Did you score drugs from him outside while he's waiting for a bus?

No, the little fella, though. You know, he was at two gigs. You know, the little fella. No, the little fella, though. He was at two gigs. He's, you know, the little fella. No, Andy has no idea. Alright, what else do you remember? Let's just get through this, because we've got a couple guests we have coming on. Well, I mean, after that, we did...

After Fort Wayne, we did Columbus. By the way, Fort Wayne is the Calhoun's sandwich spirits, soups, or whatever. Donna, she made homemade donuts. She was really nice. It was one of those where you go, wait, it's called the Tiger Room. No one can find the Tiger Room on the internet.

They find that address, Calhoun's Soups Sandwiches. But you said, you figured out later that spirits was one of the S's. I'm like, this is a soup, salad, and sandwich place? They fucked me over the... This is going to be another one of those vegan coffee shops. Beer and wine only. No, it was fantastic. So good.

Thank you, Fort Wayne, that place. Wonderful. And that room was really good, too. And they're bringing in comics. They had Todd Berry, I Wayne, that place. Wonderful. And that room was really good, too. And they're bringing in comics. They had Todd Berry, I think, was there? They had Andy Kindler there. They just had Emo Phillips. It's good.

They get names. They got a little scene. It's great. I'm trying to think of any other weird shit on the road. We were at Columbus before. That was not... Weird shit, but I don't even remember it anymore. Yeah, Andy, just take a break.

We did so much Michigan after you left. I'm like, how much? We left Michigan. We went to Toledo and came back to Michigan. Oh, yeah, because we did the Muskegon. All right. Yeah, some shit happened. Who knows?

Chad was here for a lot of it. So I'm going to see you back in Bisbee soon. Yeah, I'm flying out tomorrow. Yeah, me too. Yeah, so we'll catch up on a bunch of this shit. We did Kansas City, and then we did, we drove a lot. We drove Columbus to Kansas City one day. Oh, Kansas City.

And then Kansas City. My ex-wife showed up. I haven't seen her in 10 years. It was very nice to see her. But it was in my head on stage. Yeah, yeah. Like there's a lot of, even, but yeah, a lot of bits where I go, ooh, that does relate to her.

I don't want to piss her off. I haven't seen her in a long time. We had a nice night. Saw Erin, our favorite bartender. From the Four Points. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of fun shows. Then we drove to Denver and this is, I think, the third or fourth time you've done the four points? Yep. Yeah, there's a lot of fun shows.

Then we drove to Denver, and this is, I think, the third or fourth time you've done the Oriental? Oh, no, it's more than that. Five or six? Is it? Really? Fuck yeah. This is probably the most cogent I've been. There was one time I came here.

Oh, not Tank Abbott. Chad always reminds me of the guy. He's from where we're from. Oh, Don Fry. Don Fry. I played here once where I'm flying out of Tucson. Back when they had the four-seat sushi bar. It's empty.

We're sitting in two of the four seats. The only guy is there. And I just looked up on Bisbee Wikipedia. And at the end, it says notable residents, and one of them was Don Fry, MMA fighter, UFC. And that was the day before, and now he's sitting next to me, and I'm like, hey, are you? He's like, yeah, and he's like, yeah.

Sorry, I just saw you, and i told him the story that we're both on notable bisbee residence he goes well who are you i'm a stand-up comic my name is doug stand-up he goes doug stand-up i listen to you all the time on raw dog radio and then he turns to uh our bartender and says shots te shots, tequila, you ready? And I'm like, I got a gig in Denver that I'm flying to. I'm not going to say no. All right, and then he's just like making me drink tequila shots. It was one of the most fucked up shows I've ever done here.

That's Gretchen Crow. She booked it, and that's why she's no longer. I picked you up that day, and you apologized in a text you're like fuck I need to sleep I apologized at 4.30 in the afternoon for a 9pm show that's

that's crazy not bingo so that's it that's it. No, no. That's not it. I have some. We have some guests from the show we're going to bring on.

And then we have to get to James Inman. Okay. Yeah. So thank you, everyone, for hanging out. This podcast. I need to get some. Hey, why is Andy on the podcast I know

that's what I keep wondering alright hey we'll we'll be right back hey shut it I'm gonna say we're gonna be right back after these

god damn messages click Jay Lee let's talk about sleeping finally sleeping has become my favorite drug sleeping pills i always

talk about over the counters and taking xanax because sleep is the most important there is no hallucination you'll have on anything that lives up to dreaming dreaming is my favorite hallucinogen now and sheets we had someone tried to have us pitching their luxury sheets and i tried them first because that's what we do here on the doug stanhope podcast we fact check i'm not gonna sell you bullshit because you're gonna come back at me. Luxury sheets. We said no because I tried them and they sucked. Not this time.

Nope. Brooklinen came through. Brooklinen sent luxury sheets, which for me, it's hard. Where we live, it's hard to get good sheets. You have a 60-mile round trip, 70-mile round trip to the closest box store, and that's a fucking Target. And then you go, I'm going to buy the wacky sheets because it matches my house. But they suck. And you want really good sheets, which I do.

You can't get them. The only way you can get them is I get them on Amazon, which is hit or miss. All right. It says they're luxury. I can read some reviews, but by the time they show up, if they suck, I'm not I do, there's nothing better than crawling in from a stumbling drunk into cool, comfortable. Crisp. I know.

Nice, soft. You know what? Bingo's not a housewife on any level. Sorry. That's all right. If there was one thing that I, if I could just get Bingo to like make the bed, I can't do it.

But when you do and you have really good sheets, Brooklinen, it's the shit. It's, you know, that feeling. I hate five star hotels. Cause there's always a bunch of nonsense,

but that when you hit the fucking sheets, you go, Oh, this is so good. I fly into gigs this tour i'm flying in two days early and i'm staying at what i know is going to be a good two-day rest up to start a fucking horrible tour doug you know what they say buying great sheets is an easy way to upgrade your life the right sheets can make or break a good night's sleep. Do you ever have that random opportunity to fuck a girl? And you know that your fucking bedroom is a complete disaster.

You know, there's pizza crusts in there. Under the pillowcase. Yeah, but I'll be done by the time she never calls me back but still yeah it's important honestly a third of your life if you have good sleeping meds is spent sleeping in bed and celebrate that you should really honestly celebrate it the way i do if i can sleep eight hours i i wake up feeling like i already beat the day some fucking guy on twitter i was just i'm in a twitter battle right now about some bullshit because i'm enjoying my day off uh and some guy says hey thanks for doing your comedy.

People like you are the reason I get out of bed in the morning. They go, oh, geez, you got it all wrong. I'm trying to keep you in bed all day or at least the couch. Enjoy your day. Enjoy your night. Enjoy your sleep more. Brooke Lennon, I'm telling you, if I'm wrong, I'll eat a hoard of hay. Hey, the problem is that most...

That wasn't a bullet point, by the way. They did not tell me to say... To eat a hoard of hay? Most high-end bedding is marked up more than 300% by the time it gets the shelf that we can reach for. That's another thing that it's a common rephrase on commercials you hear on podcasts. But yeah, you don't have to go to a fucking store. You get good shit.

Direct to wherever. Well, it's the new way to shop. This is luxury bedding. Don't be fooled. And it's very underpriced. And you have to try these sheets. Brooklinen.com Once I started doing really good sheets, it changed sleeping for me.

But then I moved to Bisbee. Where are you going to get good sheets? You're going to have to take my fucking word for it. Brooklyn and let me hit some bullet points here. Keep putting my regular glasses on like they're reading glasses. Going to get my contacts back in. I love my Brooklynlinen sheets. Why do you write bullet points?

Don't you have a writer, Brooklinen? No, they don't have a writer because that's how they keep their prices low. I love my Brooklinen sheets. Try these sheets and I know you'll love them too. Come on. Thank God they're good at making sheets and not writing fucking ad copy.

Hey, brooklinen.com has an exclusive offer just for your listeners, Doug. Get $20 off and free shipping when you use promo code Stanhope at brooklinen.com. And anytime you buy something online, use promo code stanhope if there is like a box for promo code no matter what you do always fill stanhope in there just to fuck with

someone give us a give us a heads up there sure to the ad department that's brook b-r-o-o-K-L-I-N-E-N dot com. Brooke, Linen is so confident that you'll love your new sheets that they offer a risk-free, 60-night satisfaction guarantee and a lifetime warranty. Lifetime warranty, Doug. On all their sheets and comforters. There's no reason not to give these sheets a try. When I was on the man show, let me harken back to an old tale. There was a cigarette company

called Legal, legal spelled, but pronounced Legal Cigarettes, that would give you a lifetime supply of Legal Cigarettes to celebrities who would smoke them. Really? And I said absolutely. And the life of the man show

was longer than the life of legal cigarettes. So yes, Brooklinen sheets also will give you a lifetime guarantee should you or they make it. All right, yeah, you get a lifetime. So if you do use them for 60 days and you fuck or jack every day for 60 days and then return it i want pictures on twitter

brooke linen the best sheets you will ever God, if you want to die in your sleep, these are the sheets. I want to make them make that their new catchphrase. If you're going to die in your sleep, these are the sheets. See? That was a perfect commercial. Cut. Yeah, that's the one. That's the one.

Chad, hit the right button. You almost hit the wrong one. Okay. We are here with Crystal and... Fuck, it's not Adam. I just asked you. Matt. Matt.

Crystal sent me the most beautiful email ever. And what was his name? Andrew. Do I know about this email? I might have told you he was a guy He was my best friend. We were high school sweethearts.

We'd known each other most of our lives. He was the best dude. How old was he at the end? 28 I don't want to front load the end But the end is way better than 28

28 and you knew him the whole time Mental ill Yeah Schizo Schizoaffective Same as Bingo Yeah schizoaffective and had a traumatic brain injury before that How so?

A car accident He wrapped his truck around a tree going to get his son for the weekend one night after getting off of work that's why you shouldn't have kids but that's just one reason i tried to tell him he didn't listen so uh you sent me an email after after yeah about two weeks after he died. Andrew had experienced weird. He called them weird things like I'm feeling weird right now. Random and increasing in frequency and severity, auditory and visual hallucinations over the course of about 10 years.

It is very difficult. Bingo. When, for her to explain her mental illness, when I, when we put it in the form of a bad trip, if you haven't had a bad trip on hallucinogens, that's what she said is that's the only way to explain it. So to explain auditory hallucinations,

I remember seeing laughter come out of a shower head. You can't explain that. Yeah. I saw my cat on the other side of a fire when there was no cat or fire. You know, stuff like that. And that mounts up on you. You're from Fort Collins, Colorado. I know it's a college town, but outside of that

little nugget of college. I'm from Houston. We're just double-bucked all the time. I live in Denver. It's not really progressive outside of your safe zone where you're wound up the wagons to fight off the fucking redneck Indians.

The hipsters haven't fought hard enough in the Deep South yet. Alright. So this... Don't worry. There's gonna be To fight off the hipsters haven't fought hard enough in the deep south yet. All right, so This don't worry. There's gonna be a lot of fucking noise in the background with fucking Andy's a fucking asshole. Shut up Well, this starts there was a Louis CK angle, yes, so Andrew Stopped pretty much stopped talking to everyone but me for a long time, for several years. It was me and a friend of his in the area where he was living and an uncle, which is the only reason he lived there. And he was really secluded part of East Texas out in the middle of nowhere.

And he tells me, you know, I can't laugh anymore. I don't know how to laugh anymore. Nothing's funny to me. And I was like, oh, I got something for you. You're fucked up just like I am. We've always been fucked up. You won't like this. And it took me about three weeks,

but I finally got him to watch Beer Hall Pitch. And he loved it. By the time he got to the bit about elective sterilization, he was incentive-based eugenics. Incentive-based eugenics. Someone just tweeted me today about that and called it insensitive-based

eugenics. I go, no, that's not it. I like that better. I don't care about you. Back up. What's your fucked up you say we both had our fucked up what's your fucked up i'm bipolar uh ptsd just aware aware yeah that's the worst super two fucking self-aware is what i am and he he and i had always been fucked up and we always shared the same sense of humor so i had figured he would love the same things that I loved. So I finally got him to watch it, and as soon as he did, he started devouring everything.

He started buying specials and DVDs, and he got my login for Spotify. Wouldn't buy his own, but he got mine. And one of the last things that he watched was... I thought he could take login for Spotify. Wouldn't buy his own, but he got mine. And one of the last things that he watched. He thought he could take it with you. Was your episode of Louie. And in your episode of Louie, there is a scene where Louie CK looks at you and says, Eddie,

you can't kill yourself. And you go, yes, I can. I have a note from my doctor. And the delivery of that cracked us up both of us thought it was i had to be trained on that i'm sure it took several takes just for one line her delivery was better i got a note from my doctor

so yeah i i can kill myself sure i. I get a note from my doctor. One more time. Take what? Go ahead. He didn't tell anyone that he was diagnosed being mentally ill. He told nobody. Oh, you didn't know this? No one knew. We found out after he died. I found out because of the note he left me. Because of the actual diagnosis.

Oh, this is better than even I know. I thought you knew. No one had any idea. Okay, so when he's... But he's threatened suicide? He had attempted suicide at a couple of points at that time in his life. Yeah, that's so...

Josephine's aspirin doesn't work. Well, no, no. Oh, the memories that taste brings. Okay, so you said he... What a fucking fact. So, how did he do? Why is Andy on this fucking podcast? I was asking her how she attempted suicide.

He had tried taking pills a couple of times before and it didn't work. And so he wasn't leaving shit to chance the last time. He told his uncle, who lived in the area, hey, I can't do this shit anymore. I can't live by myself. Shit's hard. I'm gonna move in with you. And he told his friend Seth the exact same thing. And

instead, what he did was move large pieces of furniture and belongings, shit that would be out of place if you weren't moving. He moved all of that stuff into both of their houses. The uncle and the best friend. The things that he wanted them to have,

he moved into their houses. As though he's moving, I am moving into your house. It's just a brief time till I get on my feet. Yeah, I'm having a hard time. I'm going to get on my feet. I'm going to move my stuff

into your house. That's what he did. So anything that's worth anything, he moves into, two people think he's moving in with me. Yes, exactly. And the rest of his shit,

he wrapped up in pieces of linen and wrote our names on the top of it. The weekend before he's supposed to move in with both of these guys, he goes into his bedroom, he locks the door. Takes the important shit. Takes, yeah. He puts a sign out on the outside of his door that says,

don't come in, just call the cops. And he kills himself. He puts the gun in his mouth and eats a bullet and they finally found him about i think his uncle found him a cup like four or five days later and so yikes about a week and a half goes by and i'm trying to get a hold of there's a couple people in this room jobey and ch, that had to clean up after that when Whiskey Man blew his brains out. They had to wipe up brains

and figure out where to... Oh, it was a rental. I also contemplate... He fucking hated his landlord. That was the final fuck you. Yeah, that's okay. I was the landlord. I know.

Maybe he was a worse landlord than he thought because... That was a fuck you to you I never thought about it that way yeah Andrew traded this as a fuck you to his landlord he's like my new landlord's a prick I'm gonna just kill myself spread her brains all over the bedroom so he's got all these gifts

written out I go down for the funeral or to just go down and grab my stuff it down for the funeral, or to just go down and grab my stuff. It's after the funeral. And I open up my package that has my name on it and, you know, whatever Andrew wanted me to have. And on top is a piece of paper that has spelled out his official diagnosis for schizoaffective disorder. Basically saying, like, this is it.

You are fucked. This is for the rest of your life. We can manage it, but you're never going to be what you know is normal again. And on it, he writes in Sharpie, Crystal, I got a note from my doctor. Oh, shit. That is fantastic. He had the best timing oh i got that email i love your friend i got the same yeah fucking yeah piss chills i got right now i got when i read that tell them thank

you well i i i i didn't know what to do with it. That's where most people talk to dead friends. I didn't know what to do with that, and I don't know Louis that well. Shut the fuck up. I don't know Louis that well, and it's always intimidating, but I go, I'm going to forward this to him. I go, these might not be common emails for you, but they are for me.

Since they name dropped you, I thought I'd forward this. Oh, sorry. I said, since you wrote the lines for that script, I thought I'd forward this. And he just wrote back, what the fuck? I think that's the best part of the whole thing. That's the best part of the whole thing. And he missed it. He would have loved it.

He would have fucking loved it. He missed it. I appreciate you telling me your story very succinctly. I was super day drunk when I wrote you that email. Oh, I... Very. I was drunk when I responded because I wouldn't afford it to Louis C.K. if I wasn't drunk.

I go, fuck it, he should hear this. I appreciate you coming out and telling us your shit. Hey, let's all pour one out for Andrew. Yeah. So did you get to hear what the gifts were?

I mean, from other people? The other ones, yeah. I got to hear a couple of them, and none of them were as good. It was like shit that he bought for people. Like, oh, this kind of reminds me of you. Last minute you're at the airport, you're going to kill yourself.

Last minute you're at the airport shit. Like, you've already shown up to the hospital. The gift shop is right there. Someone's dying and you feel bad. That's the kind of shit that he bought people. Last minute death gifts. Last minute death gifts. Do you feel kind of special that you got the cool one?

Oh, I totally do. You were on the inside. But I left it. I don't have proof anymore. Oh, you do now. Well, you're irreverent. We left it. I don't have proof anymore. Oh, you do now. Well, you're irreverent. We get it. Listen, if you could make up bullshit that good,

you'd already be a good comic. I like to weed. All right, we'll be right back after this. This. Dollar Shave Club. This is Chaley's bitch. Mewig, you've been recently shaved, shorn like a sheep. That's my hideously annoying cat, Meatwig.

He's a man-coonish cat that just cries throughout commercials that he doesn't agree with because he didn't like getting shorn from all his monsoon. Shut it, Meatwig. All the stickers, yeah. Let him cry throughout. Every time you hear your cat cry, think Dollar Shave Club. I should shave my own stupid face and my cat.

I, right now, looking at me, Chaley, my beard stubble is longer than my hair. It's pretty even. It's pretty even. Yeah. Yeah, I get that Kenny face going. I don't shave. I do. I know.

You love Dollar Shave Club. I've been a member for a long time. Long time. You know what? It's funny because right now they're offering a trial kit that is – everyone knows they got razors and they got a good deal on razors. And I even switched up. I upgraded to the executive razor, which is that weighty handle.

You got it over there. Yeah. With the five blades, which I've never used five blades before. Here's the thing. Chaley doesn't do cocaine, but he still finds the ritual why you would enjoy cocaine he likes to put on the blade get the shave butter make a whole ordeal out of his morning shave i'd rather just do a key bump but go ahead nice analogy um that those products that are in this kit this is the new thing that they're uh they're offering, Doug. Bad treat.

Sorry, I'm shutting up the fucking cat. Go ahead. All right. For a limited time, Dollar Shave Club is giving away their shit, shower, and shave starter kit to new members. For only $5, the starter set features the executive razor. That's that one you got there with the poke it out. Cartridges? Yeah, it's got four cartridges in that little slip there.

You get three trial-sized versions. How fucking great is it that we can do ads now where they tell you to say shit, shower, and shave? Well, they put an asterisk over the eye, and I don't think it's... We're going to read it, and they put an asterisk in the copy for shit. We can't say it.

You can. I fucking love it. How is terrestrial radio even fucking alive with podcasting? I found my place. You get three trial-sized versions of their most popular products that help you stay...

Shut the fuck up, Brian. Jesus. We're fucking cutting commercials. He's in there fucking giving out merch. Fucking Hennigan. Go ahead. Sorry. I'm cutting that part. No, leave that in. I don't want you to get a free commercial for the merch he's giving away. It's terrible.

All right. Where was I? For only five bucks, the starter set features their executive razor, three trial-sized versions of their most popular products. This includes shave butter, which I've been using for over a year now, body wash, which I haven't used yet, but I'm going to use that trial version. I haven't used body wash ever. Well, it depends.

It probably has a pretty good fragrance, not flowery. No, I mean any kind of body wash. Oh, yeah. I just do the face. I believe you. And a couple of trial packets of their one wipe Charlies. One wipe Charlies. Hey, Brian Hennigan, get back in here.

You're going to fuck up the podcast. I want to hear about you shave. You like a man you wash your body that grotesque ape hair that you have all over your torso yeah you've never uh do you use the dollar shave club oh he's fucking chewing never mind you don't chew on the mic not after the i still want to find out who chewed on the mic at the two hour mark of the burt cast i got my best guy on it all right so uh after the first box you get replacement cartridges sent for only a few bucks a month listen just take it from me if you have a job or you need to shave just get dollar shave club i'm sure you use the promo code Stanhope.

I'm not even reading this time. I'm guessing. But get Dollar Shave Club, and they'll show up, and they'll remind you to shave because you're an alcoholic. You're not going to remember on your own. The beauty of this is, Doug, once you start, if you go for your look, well, not that drastic. No, not this.

This is a drastic end of a one-week vacation if you don't use all your uh your blades in the month you can just go online and pause it you can use them to cut cocaine because you like the whole process yeah i don't think that i don't think that works but uh this uh this offer is exclusive to new Dollar Shave Club. You have three friends. You get the four-blade executive, and you chop it all at once. You chop your... All right.

How did you do that? It's so slick. I am really milking the cocaine angle on this commercial, but... This offer is exclusively available at dollarshaveclub.com slash Stanhope. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash stanhope. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash stanhope. Dollar Shave Club's high-quality products will have you covered from face cheeks to butt cheeks. All in one day, I want to shave, shower, and wipe my ass properly.

All in one day. Like a human? And then I'd come out and you'd all hug me he did it he did it then you'd have someone check there's no better time to try the club blueapron.com haven't eaten it in a month because i was on the road and uh one thing they can't do is send it to the fucking hotel lounge where i'm gonna eat a fucking corn dog just to slow up the flow of the alcohol from the show that's about to start and then i get home for a week and we have blue apron but i'm too depressed to get out of bed but But Greg Chaley's been eating the Blue Apron. Yeah, I did two yesterday, I think.

Two meals yesterday. Made them and just ate them throughout the day. And then this morning I did the pasta one because I figured we're getting ready for the tour. Just go down, have a cup or two of pasta. You've been kind of vegetarian. You and Hennigan go off and on vegetarian, but you can do that with Blue Apron.

You just order. Everything you order, you can choose every week. You can decide to be vegetarian or not. Or you can go, give me all pork. All pork. It is that easy. I'm trying to beat the Muslim out of me. ISIS talked to me on Twitter.

I didn't know what to do. I'm proving something to my fiance's dad. I'll eat the pork. So I also put some of the meals on hold. If I don't have someone that'll cook them around here, Tom's cooked in the past. Denise from the Stanhope store, she's been getting them. Oh, yeah, while we were gone,

she kept tweeting pictures of lovely meals while where I'm eating a fucking coney it's awful one bite oh my god you know what she said right when we got back she was in the fun house she goes I think I figured out I'm not vegetarian Shaley she because I sent one with

salmon and really good salmon dishes and she's like yeah more of those and I'm just here I'll give you the login you go pick and every week you can pick whatever comes in so fantastic great and i also noticed today this sponsor alive get your blue apron blue apron i don't remember the last time i actually had an onion that i cooked with in one of their meals they have so many different spices and other flavors because an onion is just a normal thing you would throw into you know a pasta dish or something like that or sauce and there's other things that we're using uh they had some really cool sweet peppers in a zucchini no is it squash it was a squash salad uncooked squash salad with these sweet

peppers and vinegar it was delicious that's one thing about Blue Apron where I would never read a recipe. I know how to make what I like to eat, but it's kind of like when we did 30 Days in the Hole, where I was only drinking a couple of drinks a night, so we'd drink all these weird old-fashioned drinks like Old Fashions or Rusty Nails. Or the fizzes, the gin fizzes. Shit I would never know to use for spices.

I don't know what a fucking cumin is, but then you go, oh, it tastes like that. Now I know. And you, yeah, do my 30 days in the hole. You do 30 days of blue apron. Oh, that's why that tastes good

and mine doesn't. It's a tarragon. Furikake. We just did the furikake the other night on the salmon dish. It's really good. I still don't know what it is. It's a fucking mushroom. No, it's not.

It's a seasoning. Oh, is it? Yeah. Oh, all right. It's good. Yeah, it is a little spicy. You're right, because I didn't have red pepper. And one of the great things about Blue Apron is for less than $10 per person,

that covers the meal. Where are you going to get that i don't know hopefully you don't have 15 kids and i've found that the uh the portion duggers do not sponsor blue apron i found that the uh let him eat ramen says mom go ahead sorry i've found that just the portion size for trace and i is it's actually more than we would eat anyway so you can actually spread it out over a meal and a half i think don't get me started on portion size yeah too much fucking food we play the fucking midwest and you i just want like a few bites of spaghetti and they give you like a fucking tub trough and then you i already don't want to eat i don't even want to fucking start that is the hardest thing because you you i know

how much you're going to eat off of when you order something i'm already doing the math of how much is going to be sitting there in front of me so then i always order last hennigan does that too when we do sushi you and hennigan will go oh, well, you can't get a roll that's not fucking eight giant pieces. I want two. I want two. That's why I like going to the, it's got a little train that goes around and it's got a plate and it's got two pieces of sushi and you take that.

And if it's brown, it's $1.50. And if it's fucking sushi, it's $3. I want two fucking pieces. I don't want a dragon fucking roll the size of an actual dragon i was thinking dinosaur but i just imagined an actual dragon there's no actual dragons doug shut up and let him do the fucking bullet points at the end i think you were talking about blue aprons freshness guarantee which promises that every ingredient in your delivery arrives ready to cook or they'll make it right they've goddamn better well yeah if i'm fucking plugging them yeah i'll

promote you but if it's not right you fucking make it right it's been right every time i've had it so far can i get white castles at 2 a.m no no i'll feel better though i'll feel better with the blue apron i already told you this before doug but it bears repeating again you can customize your recipes each week based on your preferences they've got uh tons of different delivery options like uh we get ours on wednesdays it's weird because ours comes from a paper boy who throws it from a bicycle on the street and it slaps against the window. It always lands right side up, though. It does?

Like a cat. Yeah, I think there's training. Erickson's get theirs on Saturday, and I told him because he said... The Sabbath? Is that Sabbath? I don't know. Isn't that when he won't bowl on Saturday?

On Big Lebowski? Sunday. Sundays. Can't bowl on the Sabbath. Yeah, but I thought that was a Jewish thing. It was Saturday. All right. We'll get a lot of tweets about this.

So make sure you include Blue Apron in your tweets so they know that we're talking about them. I wonder why Erickson, like he and his lovely wife, Mitchell, they're working on the weekends. They should get their delivery earlier in the week to enjoy it before the weekend. Hey, they were at Burning Man. Did they get Blue Apron sent to Burning Man? You build a whole city, Brian.

Brian and his fucking Burning Man. Oh, they built a 70,000-person city in a week. Yeah? Did they have Pony Express? How do you get your blue apron at burning man they you can't get mail there yeah well you should be on the mic you're fucking too lazy to get up you and your powerful thighs are too fucking lazy to get up to talk about the benefit of blue you can suspend it you're going to burning man well why but i'm saying if you built a city you

should have a post office and a jail and a city hall. Because you're independent. You're independent, yeah. You don't need UPS or FedEx. Someone was dependent on that big fucking Burning Man

to run into a fire and commit suicide to kill the whole buzz of the party. One guy, 70 buzz kills. 70,000 buzz kills. No mail. No Blue Apron. Blueapron.com. was there a promo code on that one chaley can i guess it there's it hang on everyone final jeopardy do do do do

everyone write down your answers do do do do do do do do da da da da da da da okay brian Okay. Brian Hennigan says promo code. Stanhope. Stanhope. That's correct. I don't know. We're going to have to go to the judges on that one. Chaley, what did you write down? I wrote blueapron.com slash Stanhope. That's not a promo code.

We're going to have to go to the bartender. Says both are right. I wrote down Burning Man. I wagered all of my money. Hey, Doug, they actually got something new here. Blue Apron knows you're busy. So now they're offering

30 minute meals. They wrote that down. Don't they listen to my podcast? Tell Doug. Sitting here just mean tweeting Nazis all day. I'm not busy you're lazy i'm lazy let doug know that these meals are made with the same flavor and farm fresh ingredients you know and love and are ready in only 30 minutes or less now so why would you want other ones then i don't even get it well some of these some of these things you would have to cook a little bit longer

because of the preparation and like cooking pork you want to make sure you cook it thoroughly no come on Brian if you're giggling certainly don't bring it to the mic yeah please when the Ericsons are cooking their blue apron Brett is down there like a fucking scientist constructing the nuclear hadron fucking, you know,

whatever it is in Switzerland. He has this sweat on his forehead from the moment he opens the instructions. And then, meanwhile, in the other half of the apartment, fucking Kerry's watching General Hospital. It's true. Didn't we talk about doing this where we were going to have

Kenny and Derek do a blue apron cook-off? Make both of those fucking Beavis and Buttheads fucking cook blue apron? We should do that. We talk about a lot of things. The blue apron Olympics. All right. Well, there you go.

Sometimes our spots are funnier than our podcasts. Thank you, Brian. Okay, blueapron.com. Close it out. Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash Stanhope. You do it in your Scottish accent. The fucking catchphrase.

Blue apron, a better way to cook. Hee hee hee hee. Woo ha. No, I'm not talking still in the checks. No, no, this is my podcast. We just started, James. Take your money. We're starting right now.

You're only going to do a high-rated podcast. You won't do a couple of fucking... I'm trying to start a podcast. Let Doug start the podcast. It's already started. But I just wanted... No, fuck you. You want to bootstrap Doug Stanhope,

but how about if I just had one and we just talk about how we feel about men? Why can't we spread the bootstraps out equally but are you a man how does it feel to be a man what happens when i'm on stage that andy gets so fucked up so quickly i think everything was going smoothly what happened andy is just off the fucking charts fucked up i don't think i am we finished finished this goddamn tour. Chad Shank is here. Andy's here. We had an all-podcast show.

Chad Shank opened the show, just introduced it, brought up. Andy, no. I'm going to give you credit right now, Inman, and I'll never do this again. Okay. But you did throw some fire tonight. Quality jokes? Not necessarily, but you sold them hard and everyone laughed and you looked full of energy yeah people here's whatever drugs you did before the show do those next people love

the idea of loving you you take look uh remember when we were filming the unbookables and you called me and said you said who's having the best shows and I don't remember. I told you Sean Rouse is having every show, every fucking night Sean Rouse kills. Andy either kills or eats it. Yeah, but he does. Brett Erickson killed every night, but not like Sean. And Andy, you took him on the road. Within, what, a week, he gets his fucking shit together, and he's killing, and Andy's almost blowing

you off the stage. So there you have it. James Inman. That's the end of my podcast. Andy's got his shit together, and all he did was go on the road with you for a month. Listen, you've only seen Andy twice, and you know why he killed both times? Because I followed James Inman. Exactly.

Which is a sweet plot in comedy. Yeah. It's like following the... Alright, you know, you took a... You set a nice table, James. You took Brett Erickson on the road for a month. You took Andy on the road for a month. You took Christine

Levine on the road for a month. And you're taking... Morgan Murphy. Brendan Walsh on the road for a month. and you're taking Brandon Walsh on the road for a month. Morgan Murphy. Right. You're taking everyone on the road for a month except me. But he keeps bringing me out. I'm not even a comic.

What the fuck, dude? Yeah. You'll give Chad Shank more time than me. Like, I come and I do this fucking punk-ass show in the middle of nowhere, Denver. I don't know. It's okay. Okay. No, I'm joking.

You know what? Okay, James, what we're going to do, because thankfully, Greg Chaley tapes every show. So during this podcast, you're going to play your entire set from Kansas City. Where I talk off the top of my head. Yeah. Fuck you. Five minutes. Fuck you.

Hey, what's up with the fucking weed and fucking cheese and fucking. Whatever. Oh, no, we're going to play it. It takes me a day or two, and then everything comes back like riding a bicycle. There was no attempt at a punchline. Well, you think I. Look, no, no. If I go on the road within a day or two, all my shit comes back, and I know what to do.

But you remember the other night when you said you were on LSD, and then you weren't? Yeah, I was on acid that night. By the way, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking, I took acid on that fucking show at the improv. Wait, was this the night that you said you didn't have any drugs? Yeah. I mockingly asked you if you had drugs you'd share with us because you always show up with no drugs, no alcohol. I took them all.

And you bleed everyone around you. Oh, God. Now here we go. You're 60 years old. No. And you told me directly to my face that night i don't have any drugs and i love you like an abortion you're gonna take them anyway you don't do drugs anymore you're an old man i just wanted one time for you to bring some kind of cobbler to thanksgiving dinner but you always

just oh my god it's endless with this fucking shit. Maybe a green bean casserole. It's fucking. It rings hollow. How old were you when you realized you were a gypsy? Look, it doesn't sound right. Because you're a fucking gypsy. Hang on. Hang on.

No, it doesn't sound right. Andy, call your shots. You're fucking nailing it. But I want to bring up right now. You're with Rob Leiter. Yeah. Who you've known for many years. Rob, I'm going to give you the mic here.

And you're going to have him. Back in. You're going to have him tell that story. Well, before. No, it's whatever. Where Hennigan lives now. Right. I was living at that apartment.

You came out to LA. You stayed with your friend, Rob Leiter. Something went awry. Right. Even back then. We know James Inman is a liability. I'm going to need my drink for this. I'm going to need my goddamn drink for this.

Oh. No, he's got a drink right there. I can't take this. Listen. I don't want to hear this story. Inman's a liability. No. We know that.

He's on tilt. That's why you have to do this to me. But he's not staying with. Inman's a liability. No. We know that. He's on tilt. That's why you have to do this to me. But he's not staying with me. It's not funny, Doug. Thank fucking Christ. James Inman's not staying with me. Why is it? Why?

Stop. Stop. Okay. Stop. All right. Go ahead. I'm talking to Rob right now. Tell the story, Rob.

Tell the story. Rob Liger, somehow you allow him to come stay at your place. Days or minutes later, I get a call from Inman. I got into a fight. He threw me out of the house. I don't know what to do. I don't have any money. Tell us what happens, Rob.

Well, that's... You're a comic out of Kansas City. Correct. That's about what happened. It was 10 o'clock-ish in the morning after a discussion the night before about easing up on the drinking because of an incident that escapes me now.

But, you know, whatever. He's got a plethora. Yeah, exactly. It was enough. And, you know, let's try to put the kibosh on the... For a minute, I wake up and, yeah, the bottle on the fridge is half gone, which was full the night before, and it's 10 a.m., and means he started at 8 a.m., and I don't know what he's doing, but...

Was it a physical altercation? No, no, no, no. I was thinking cops were called. The way, you know how James Inman blows you up on the phone. It's all fucked up. I think the cops are coming. Yeah, again, that's correct. But he's very easily like, you can tell James what to do.

And then he'll pretty much do it after that little. And then he finally just goes, you know, okay, good. That sucks. And then he just, you know, says, okay. And then, yeah, I said, you got to go. The point is that I just told him he had to leave my apartment. I don't think I knew you at that point. A big, yeah.

But I know he showed up at my doorstep like the odd couple. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I know he showed up at my doorstep like the art couple. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With his fucking satchel and a bandana on a stick over his shoulder. Yeah, and if I didn't thank you enough then, you know, again, thank you. I tell Inman. Taking care of him because that's ultimately. I tell him I'll get him a plane ride home because like he did me

he did you. Shows up on a one way ticket. Can I stay with you for a minute? How are you getting back? I don't fucking know. So I tell him I'll buy you a ticket. You'll have your time. You'll have your time James. Hot mic

shows up. Let's go back in time this is 19 so tell this this is 1997 ish yeah eight ish i'm dating this child actress from head of the class christine hodge she wasn't a child at the time she's an adult so i'm dating this girl and she had a bit of a problem with kleptomania she'd get invited to all of these big premieres and if they left like all the flowers like they put out for for dressings for the big premieres she'd wait till the end and she'd put them all in the back of her corvette and she'd bring them one, she had stolen a bottle of Jim Beam. She didn't drink, but she liked to steal,

and they left the open bar open. And she came back. She goes, I stole this for you. I don't drink whiskey. Back then, I didn't drink whiskey. But the fact that she stole this for me, but on whatever the L.A la version of page six is back then they'll enter the gossip column and a b-level actress was spotting sky spotting yes stealing

a bottle of uh liquor from the and that made the end of the year like their best of we have the police beat as our listeners know that uh they have the best of at new year's she made the best of not with her name but a b-rate actress so i cut that out i taped it onto that bottle that i had on my shelf which is not i didn't have it's not like now where we have a bar. I had a shelf of pictures and people and things. This is obviously a fucking trophy. So after he leaves your place, I leave him alone for 35 seconds or whatever. I come back, the fucking beam.

He drank almost the whole fucking bottle where it has the whole article taped on yeah that's how he gets a free flight home i'll pay for you jesus christ first of all i wish i could i didn't have a go ahead all right first of all we're talking about a bought a stolen bottle of jim beam which is air gas fucking liquor and then you made a little label on it and i drank some of you couldn't go down to the store buy some more jim beam and pour it back in that fucking bottle it's not like i fucked the bottle or i stuck it up my ass or i busted that bottle it's exactly like shit on that label that she made. I don't even know. James, this is the

same as going, what? Oh, well, there was an urn of ashes. I used it as an ashtray. It was up on the mantle. That's different. That is completely different. I didn't know that label was... I didn't even see that label. It looked just like a fucking

liquor label because you guys you know, I don't know see that label. It looked just like a fucking liquor label because you guys, you know, I don't know. You made it. I fully expected it. I drank some of your fucking booze. By defense, this is amazing. You don't know, James? My bottle just didn't have a cool inscription on it,

but he drank it just the same. You forget, James, because we use him as a wind-up toy for the podcast but you forget he really is a fucking asshole no i'm not look here's the deal do you wash no no no do the laundry without asking or do you just do dick thing look look all right do you want to know the fucking truth yeah first of all both of you moved down to LA before I did because I was living in Seattle we had bookstores and culture and you guys wanted you Rob and Doug both wanted to move to LA all right and be big shots I didn't want to move

to LA the only reason I went down there is due to a fucking punk ass goddamn audition at laughs all right and then you told me to fly down and i go i only have money for a ticket down there and you're like i'll buy a ticket back and i was like all right i'll fly down there and then you kicked me out of your fucking apartment i'm like oh my in L.A. now, which I didn't even want to be in L.A. And here's the funniest thing. You don't even live in L.A. anymore, Doug. You moved out because you hate it. You live in Bisbee. I'm helping Rob get his shit out of a goddamn storage locker to drive his shit back to Kansas City.

Because both of you hate L.A. So fuck both of you. Well, you kind of owe him that and more. And more. We could... Well, let's just speed to the close. You can't follow that. Oh, I can't? Oh, yeah. Okay. All right.

Everyone, let a pin drop when Tommy stopped and locked the door. Last night, did you have some Adderall, James? Yeah, I did. I had some Adderall. Did you steal it out of Rob's car? No, it's my car.

My car. He went and stole your fucking Adderall last night at fucking Wendy's house. Stole it. Gave it. His fucking. I think I should pipe it. No, no, no. You blew that fucking.

All right. Did you or did you not steal from your friend you're talking to? Yeah, because every time I ask him for Adderall, he won't give it to me. And he starts bitching and whining. And then he was at the party talking. And I said to Andy, I go, this is going to be funny. Andy, I can get some Adderall. Let's go get some Adderall.

And I went into your fucking backpack. I found that bottle, and I grabbed a couple Adderall. I gave one to Andy. I fucking took one myself. That's why I gave you Adderall. I heard this story this morning. When I handed you Adderall, Rob. I stole some Adderall from Rob.

For that fucksucker fucking stealing from you. As I'm driving him across the fucking country and paying for half the gas and getting his shit back, which is going to be a pain. Let's let Rob talk. Okay, but let me just... I've got to unload this. You don't get to talk yet. You'll get to chime in later.

I want to know... Rob... One case at a time. Are you mad, Rob? Are you pissed at me? No, you know I to chime in later. No. Rob. Are you mad, Rob? Are you pissed at me? No, you know I'm an undercover cop. Oh, fuck. I've been waiting for this for days.

Turn around. Face the wall. You fucking, at your almost 60 years old, you still steal from your best friends. Because it's funny. The funny part. No, it's not funny. Actually, no, the funny part is the reason I don't give him Adderall at will is the same reason you don't continue to feed a puppy or a dog treats, like, just because it looks at you and cocks its head. You do it all day, and it looks at you and cocks its head you do it all day and it just becomes the like that and so i can't and there's a finite amount of adderall in my

i just wanted him to talk andy your timing is but you don't even like it and he wants to chime in on this because andy was a little so the point is I've been trying to tell him this is a long trip. I'm like, we left Kansas City, and before we got to Salina, he's two Adderall in. I'm going, dude, we're still in Kansas. We haven't stopped to piss. Yeah. He's like, no, I'm good.

I usually take a nap at 3 o'clock, and I'm tired of driving. I'm like, okay. I gave him an Adderall. He went in the back and took a nap, and I drove. He took an Adderall and took a nap? Yeah. Wait a minute. No.

This is like 10 milligram bullshit. You should be cut off immediately. You wouldn't get a baby off. Because if you're not useful, get the fuck off the Adderall. Get the fuck off of it. Let someone else drive. Well, that's what I had to do with Andy, who... On the podcast.

By the way, Rob, I'll tell you this. You know, James, Andy's been on the tour. This is the end of the tour. He's been on the tour for the whole run. I have Xanax and Adderall in small supply that I had to give to Chaley to hide in, because Andy would do the same thing to me and go through my fucking backpack.

Okay, you can ask. And then apologize. But you can ask. He would never apologize. You deserved it. No, I'm not entitled to your bullshit. There's a lot of bullshit. Shut up, James.

Shut up. There's a lot of people who go, things are going good or whatever, and your friends, and you go, it's going good or whatever? Cool. It's going good. But if you search their bag and they have a bunch of meds or whatever, maybe they're lying, and I help thin them. And I don't steal.

I've never stolen a pill. I've helped Doug escape his Xanax addiction. Exactly. That's what I'm trying to say we're trying to help these people right that's where I side with James because a lot of times we meet people who have a lot

of anxiety but they also fake a lot of anxiety and we take about 15 out of their thing so they gotta get real let me just set this up when Chad Shank shows up I get him an Adderall. He needs it. You show up, I hide them.

That's not entirely true. I get half doses early on. This is not the first time I've heard this sort of story. But the thing for me is my experience with Andy is Andy had one joint one joint left for i don't know how for a little while before i got here six hours for me he actually gives me the weed to hold because he knows that i won't lose it it's the op i have the opposite relationship because of our drug of choice it's is uh i'm the responsible one with the weed but it's uh yeah yeah i appreciate the uh i appreciate the uh stolen adderall that i had last night i guess i should thank you sir

all i know and i got rolled right away like i i mean i wanted to be your guy i wanted to be a stand-up guy james goes we're gonna do a crime and i'm like fuck yeah let's do it and then i'm and then and he wants me to rifle the bag which when you get invited into a crime you shouldn't be the one rifling the bag i did so i go let me just watch the door and then immediately when i walked in the door but so all i know is james goes do you want one adderall will that keep you silent and i go and then before i could even say that, he goes, how about two? So I had two, and I gave Chad one to buy his silence. So Chad walked out and caught you. Caught us.

Well, he was a security guard who I've always suspected. Yeah, exactly. Now it's all coming together. I know what the fuck is going on. Yeah, exactly. He's got spider so donald trump the russia thing or whatever but you were rifled through a bag and then i was just standing thing and then i and i got rolled right away because you go i i guarantee you i will not lie or whatever and then somebody's

like what are you doing out there and i'm like james is stealing pills out of his guy he drove him and it is like it just pours out of a place you don't even know. Oh, my goodness. Am I supposed to? I would never, ever say that. And I guarantee that I'd never say that. But when you get directly questioned, you're just kind of fucked up.

I did kind of brag about how he kind of fagged the deal. No. He made James be the pickpocket. This is so stupid because, like... The stupid part is you're stealing from yourself, James, because I give you the pills, but I dole them out. That's the whole point. So now we're going to get to, like, Grand Junction.

And I'm not going to have any pills. I'm going to go, last one is going to be a fun trip back. Do you trust James Inman to drive? Oh, no, I drove mostly. No, I drove, so don't start this. I know you don't listen to podcasts, but when we broke down outside of that, we passed it today. But you go, I need you to get out of the car and change your car tire.

And I said, James, I have never changed a fucking car tire in my life what yeah we already told this on a podcast that's but i had i worked at a tire shop you're slurring so badly right now okay drew baka take over no we we don't let's just wrap this, no, let's not wrap this up. Yeah. No, we're going to get Chaley's going to come back. No, because this is not going to get wrapped up because I'm tired of your shit. All right.

Here's the deal. I'll give you an example of how I care. I might steal a couple Adderall from Rob. All right. But I like Rob. And I steal out of love. He believes me. I love you, so I steal from you.

Listen. If you can't figure this out by now, why are you here? I justify some fucked up things that I've done in my life, James. But I never try to do it out loud because I know how fucking stupid that sounds. Nobody, you have not let me finish, all right? Oh, fuck. All right, so Rob calls me up and he's like, what are you doing, Inman, whatever.

I go over to his place. He has no fucking stereo he's got his goddamn laptop he's got his laptop connected to a goddamn tiny little fucking internet speaker I'm like Rob why are you listening to fucking music out of your goddamn laptop

with that punk ass speaker I should steal your Adderall for that shut the fuck up I'm like yeah no shut up I should steal your Adderall for that. Shut the fuck up. I'm like, yeah, no. Shut up. Tell Chad to shut up. Find somebody in this room who can tell me to shut up, James Inman.

I dare you. Find somebody in this room who can tell me to shut up. All right. Doug, shut him up. All right. So Rob has this shit stereo, and I'm like, if I'm going to be over your house. This album skipped several times. I go, Rob, no, no, no.

This is where you're going to learn your shit, all right? I say to Rob, I go, Rob, I got a fucking stereo I can give you. Please, for the love of God, when I come over to your house, I want to hear some goddamn music. I gave him a subwoofer and two great speakers that are probably worth $300 on eBay. And I hooked it up for him. I hooked it up to his goddamn laptop. And, yes, he gave me some Adderall for that. And what did I give you? Exactly. What did I give you, he gave me some Adderall for that. And what did I give you?

Exactly. What did I give you? You gave me some Adderall for that. Biggest mistake of my life. And then Rob is like, oh, I don't like going downstairs and washing my clothes down in the laundromat because the dryer doesn't dry. I go, Rob, I've got a washing machine in my basement. I picked that fucking washing machine up by myself.

Shut up, dog. Up by myself with a dolly, put it in the back of my minivan, took it over to Rob's house, set it up, plugged it in because he doesn't know how to fucking do shit. And we've got that washing machine working. Then I have a dryer. I bought a belt for it because it was busted. Looked it up on YouTube. Yep, I know how to fix that. Put the dryer over his house.

Plugged it in. And he fucking took a picture of it, gave it to this girl, and she's like, I want to fuck you now. James, that's a true story. James, have you ever heard the expression that anyone laid because I gave him a washer dryer James, have you ever heard the expression that anyone who defends themselves in court has a fool Yeah, I heard that but that has nothing to do with that

You're saying, oh I helped him with his laundry so I can steal from him behind his back and make him look like a fucking chump Basically, Rob doesn't do shit for me. I do everything for him, and occasionally I'll steal some extra cotton

while I'm out working in the field because he's the slave master, all right? And I'm going to steal a little bit of fucking cotton out of his fucking field because he is the guy that I look up to. And you're gonna drink my mother's ashes? I'm the guy with no... I'm the slave master

with no stereo. Yes! So when you stole from me repeatedly... I stole one Xanax from you and you fucking flipped out. You were like, what? I've intentionally never listened to a Donald Trump speech, but based on all of the jokes I've seen,

this seems exactly like what I've said. Oh, jeez. No, don't even. He's very right. I'm going to talk about some nonsense. It's not related. No, no, this is not really my fault. No.

Listen to what happened to me. I'm the anti-Donald Trump. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you voted. You told me you voted for Donald Trump. No, I did not vote for Donald Trump. I thought he was the right idea for him. I voted for Bernie Sanders, and then, you know, it doesn't matter who we vote for.

Bernie Sanders wasn't even your vote. Don't change the subject. You swim in a sea of lies. You've got two houses. You've got fucking four bars. You got 500 bottles of vodka. You've got $500,000 in the bank. You fucking drank my mantelpiece fucking keepsake.

I had one bottle of alcohol. That was obviously a keepsake. And you just... And then you'd say, oh, I'll pay you back for this flight. Thank you. That bad guy robbed the lighter. I have no money. You probably, Doug... That I'll eventually steal from.

Doug, you should probably pay me to be your friend is what I'm saying, actually. At your going rate, I can afford it. Right. Yeah. Actually, at your going rate, I can afford it. Right. Yeah.

So much double what you paid for fucking slinging a bunch of shit on this show. Goddamn. I mean, you sold it loud. Whatever. You know, James, you did a good job tonight. And I did tell the good people of Denver, I have to speed through merch, and they were very... Chad was with me.

They fucking... Sign it quick. Quick picture. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Just because I knew this podcast would be this good when I busted you for fucking robbing from your friend while... That I'm driving across the country to get his shit

out of a goddamn storage locker. Rob, remember when you were... Alright, let's go home, Rob. You want to go home tomorrow, Rob? Do you want to go home tomorrow and then pay $175? Why don't you let Doug pay the $175 a month? Fuck. Doug just called your bluff.

I will rent him a minivan from Denver to L.A. on a one-way rental back to Kansas City. Then do that. He'll do it. Then do that. I'll fucking do it. Where were you when he asked, when he needed that? You know what?

I was there. You weren't there. If I would have called you up and said, hey, Rob needs to shit out of the fucking garage. You'd go, James, who the fuck are you talking? You woke me up at six in the morning. I'm watching football right now. Fuck you. You know what?

Make America great again. You could let him go. I would absolutely pay for a one-way rental that he can take from Denver, go through L.A., get his shit, put it in a van, and you wouldn't let him do it because you know he's holding. He's got Adderall. I was going to drive back by myself, but I'll fall asleep. He's got Adderall. My shitty fucking van.

Do you remember when you started comedy and there was always the one guy that had a PA? And you had to book that guy because he had a PA. You started an open mic. You have a van, James Inman. You have a van. You're his friend

because you have a van. I'm his friend because he's funny. And he's got drugs that you steal he didn't steal your fucking van he has if you go on a trip know who you are i know exactly it's okay this guy is well i rob lighter james innings we're gonna take a break and we'll be back with this podcast all podcast after we mock James. I had nothing to do with it. We're going to miss any time you just stop recording when James is around. You miss shit, but you can only take so much. We'll be right back. This is Bingo.

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. You know what? Okay, James, what we're going to do, because thankfully, Greg Chaley tapes every show. So during this podcast, you're going to play your entire set from Kansas City. Where I talk off the top of my head. Yeah.

Fuck you. Five minutes. Fuck you. Hey, what's up with the fucking weed and fucking cheese and fuck you. Whatever. Oh, no, we're going to play it. It takes me a day or two

and then everything comes back like riding a bicycle. There was no attempt at a punchline. What, you think I... Look, no, no. If I go on the road i'll be in a better mood when i come back up here later i'll be the headliner later but right now you have two fucking all-stars from the doug Stanhope podcast. And this next guy, this next guy,

he'll come to your house on your dime. He'll steal your drugs. He'll yell at your fucking neighbors. He'll get the police called on you. He's never bought a fucking thing. He has nothing to offer but gripes and criticism.

And I love him to death. Ladies and gentlemen, the beautiful, sexy James Inman. No, do not start that. No. No, get away. Don't fucking try to kiss me. Because you're always, every time he'll come up to me and he'll try to kiss me. Like, oh, you know, like, hey, Doug, you know, you think you're shaking a guy's hand.

Like, hey, how's it going? You'll shake their hand. That's what guys do, right? He'll kiss me on the mouth as a goddamn joke. Right? Isn't it funny that we're gay? So then I had this friend come up and he visited and slept on my couch.

It was a bisexual guy. It was Cliff. What was his name? Do you remember the guy? Whatever. He had a bisexual name, Cliff Roberts or something. I go, dude,

all right, he's going to do this. I swear to God, all right, he's gonna do this. I swear to God, he's gonna come up to you, he's gonna try to kiss you, but you're bi, right? So you go in and you tongue him and you see how long this prank will go on. Right? So

sure enough, he comes in, fucking plants a kiss on him. Doug's like, I'm not stopping this prank. Fuck you. Oh my God! Oh my God! It was a 30-second kiss, you faggot. And I said, I will say faggot.

I said faggot. You can't say it on Facebook. Fuck you. That was a long ass kiss with a bisexual man. Anyway. That's usually, he's gay

now. Whatever. It was funny. We all just That's how I opened my shows. This is saying faggot. Joel Osteen? Who the...

Speaking of faggots... Shut the fuck up! I've read the goddamn gospels. All right. You tie up heavy loads on men's backs and you don't lift one finger to help them. Jesus H. Christ. Fuck you, Joel Osteen. Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck you. Yeah. olstein yeah yeah fuck you yeah whole houston is flooded like fuck and he's got his entire goddamn stadium of christians fucking blocko whatever and then after the after the goddamn media blacklist he's like oh no no we got some beds we're fucking have you seen this he's just recently going no no we've never closed our doors shut the fuck up you fucking god damn it if jesus ever comes back he's gonna punch you in the face all right so what else speaking of jesus i'm high on acid right now

oh yeah do drugs please for the fuck's sake everybody listen to me right now do drugs do drugs do drugs yeah yeah you're not gonna hear that on cnn or at school or at church. The cops not going to fucking tell you. No, your parents aren't going to tell you. I will tell you to do drugs. Please, for the love of God, somebody shut this shit up. I can't even walk through. It's like every time I open up Facebook,

I'm seeing a fucking cop shooting a goddamn baby in the middle of the street. I was scared for my life. That baby came at me. And I did it. Shut up! God damn it. Oh, I'm the dick?

Am I the dick now? Oh, I'm the dick. Yeah, fuck you. Yeah. This whole fucking audience. You're all cops. You're probably all fucking undercover cops. Swear to God.

Oh, let's go to James Inman's show and we'll fucking sneak in and we'll all fucking undercover cops. Swear to God. Oh, let's go to James Inman's show and we'll fucking sneak in and we'll all be undercover cops. You know, I'm going to be a fucking, I'll infiltrate the fucking undercover cops. I'll be a comedian, undercover comedian, cop comedian. And I'll sneak in and act like I'm a cop

and I'll fucking tell funny jokes and you guys will fuck off. That guy was really funny. Maybe you should stop killing unarmed black men in the street because I like that guy. He made fun of the chief and he hates Trump and I think I'll stop killing people all right i went too far fuck you like i give a fuck it's just another goddamn president

we're all old enough to know it doesn't matter who's in the goddamn white house same shit you gotta pay your rent you gotta get up you gotta go to work you gotta jack off i jack off three times a day i've got fucking tennis elbow if i can find a way women oh yeah you can sell an ovary yeah you, what do you get? You sell a goddamn egg out of your ovary. You get $50,000. What's a guy get for, yeah, 50 bucks. That's chump change.

Why didn't someone tell me that when I was 16 years old? I could have been making $300, $400 a day. Goddamn have my own corporation. Sperm King. Improv. You know, the improv has got my fucking 8x10 on their goddamn website. And they never fucking book me until Doug Stanhope comes to town. Yeah. Yeah. That's what you should all do is tell your boss to fuck off. Why do you got my bio and my fucking headshot

on your goddamn website? And I never work your shit club until Doug comes into town. That's how you do it. And then you say, fuck you. I'm getting the fuck off stage. You want me to bring up the next comic? That's pretty much my show. Yeah, yeah, fuck you. Either take my goddamn bio off your fucking website or book me occasionally i won't do crazy shit like this these are crazy people

i'll do whatever you know have me open for goddamn earthquake i'll talk about being black or i'll do i'll just jump around it doesn't matter i'll I'll do whatever, goddammit. I gotta pay my rent, too. Okay? Alright, so let's bring up this other guy. Two people got that. All these guys work for themselves. They're like,

I can't tell myself to fuck off. All right. Let's bring up this next guy. You guys know who he is. He's the fucking star of the Unbookables. Put your hands together for Andy Andrist. Now, what's up, buddy? James Inman, everybody.

His CD is available for download some fucking weird spot, but it's called Panda Monkey, and I think he proved that he's versatile. You see James tonight. He opened for me in front of a bunch of fucking fat Christians in Wisconsin and wedding parties, like three wedding parties. And I go, James, just fucking do your show, man.

Don't be a fucking pussy because I got to go out here and do the closing thing because James is a great emcee. James is a great emcee, but he goes right up and he fucking panders. And then I have Christians waiting to crack me in the head with a bottle because I ruined their wedding. And that's James Hinman. He forgot a couple of my credits. He's on more than one occasion swilled my urine. Yeah, and he'll go on a spiel about if you're in a survival situation, you can drink your own urine.

I can't argue with that, but you drank my urine and you got bottled water in the room. And so that's why I take his chew. He leaves it sitting around because I'm trying to wean him. Because he shows up now, he wants more piss, and he wants to get right on the tap. And so I just pee a little dribble after pee or whatever into his chew, and then it sits in his gums. Anyway, you guys in a good mood louder they can't hear you in houston