The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #226: Brendon Walsh, Must Be Comfortable with Nudity

Episode Date: September 22, 2017

Doug smokes out a New Orleans hotel room with comedian Brendon Walsh (The Bone Zone Podcast) and Chaille. Recorded Sept 17th, 2017 in New Orleans, LA with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Brendon Walsh (@brendonwalsh), Tracey (@Egglester), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille. Doug's second book, "This Is Not Fame", is now available for pre-order on Amazon - http://amzn.to/2xR3ASA . (Book scheduled for release Dec. 05, 2017). This episode is sponsored by DRAFT.com – New players get a FREE entry into a draft when you make your first deposit! Use promo code DOUG and play a real money game for FREE! ALL THINGS COMEDY Comedy Festival (OCT 26-29) presents The Doug Stanhope Podcast LIVE with Doug Stanhope, Chad Shank, Greg Chaille and Special Guests @ The Orpheum Theater Thu - 10/26 8:00pm in Phoenix, AZ. Tickets at https://phoenix.ticketforce.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=371 Join the Doug Stanhope podcast at the Orpheum Theatre in Phoenix, AZ on October 26 for a LIVE podcast More Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List. Closing song, "Everlong", by the Foo Fighters as performed and sung by Brendon Walsh. LINKS: Chad Shank Voice Over info at AudioShank.com Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/ Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

All right, so that's pretty much the podcast. How about the sponsors? Want to do all-sponsor podcast? Brendan Walsh, my guest. All sponsors. Just sponsor. I mean, they don't have to be a paid sponsor, and they can be an unwilling sponsor.

We can do all. Frito-Lay. If you. depending on the i like fritos but not necessarily all frito-lay products but i would say fritos are the best frito-lay product frito-lay owns an airline now this is probably not factual no frito-lay is buying southwest and this is actually not factual. No, Frito-Lay is buying Southwest. And this is actually not a joke. There are certain... Thank God, because my audience hates funny. Yeah.

Southwest, this really is happening. There are certain routes that they're doing where you're allowed to smoke on the plane now. On the Frito-Lay airplane? On Southwest. Sierra Leone to

Mozambique. No, it's mostly in the Southwest. Only the West flying. East flying, it's non-sm southwest. Only the west flying. East flying, it's non-smoking. Yeah, if you're flying west to east, you can't smoke. As long as the plane is going down and smoking more out of its fucking failed jets than you. But look into it. It's true.

You can smoke on some of the flights now. Ask if you're flying southwest just to ask the stewardess lady. No, just say, oh, I heard on the Doug Stano podcast that you can smoke. You have to. So that eliminates your saving money because you don't have to pay that $15

for the early bird check-in. But you get to smoke. That's the way it was. It was always the back of the plane was where you could smoke. Well, it would be the middle section going from the front to the back. All the middle seats could smoke on Southwest. If you could just tweet that angrily, if all the listeners could just tweet,

what's up with southwest where middle seats smoking friendly smoke yeah just because they have trash bags for luggage and don't have the 15 for early bird check-in now everybody has to suffer suffer new orleans the big easy dancing a way of life sister blowing a horn on boy been straight me and lou all strong blowing a horn on boy born straight i'm gonna go around I'm going to go down, get ourselves a turkey lure, eat a turkey lure like a star-skinned deer. You have a big, fat turkey lure. What's a turkey lure? A turkey lure.

The lure on a turkey. A turkey leg. Turkey lure. That's what I said. Who's our guest, Doug? I already said it's Brendan Walsh. Oh, I thought we had someone brendan walsh i thought we had someone from uh from new orleans here

someone to tell us i i keep telling i keep calling bingo because this is you know new orleans is her town but i keep calling her up and saying yeah remember oh that first time i played new orleans and i call it Big Easy? It's catching on. People are using my catchphrase. Dude, you did not make up the Big Easy. Stop saying that. Now I say, everyone's talking about it. I get a meme going.

Dude, it's not true. I tell her how I used to. Oh, no, that's where I learned how to play the saxophone. We call it the sax. I used to blow my sax up and down. You never play saxophone. No one calls it a sax. My dad invented the term for all intents and purposes.

Just a little another fact it's true this is gonna be the saddest podcast but i don't care i'm just in that perfect mood that's uh yeah drank like 11 drinks during the day watching the early games you know gearing up for another 10 or so for the late games. Yeah. And then, yeah, we'll spike ourselves with Adderall for whatever the night game is. Who gives a shit? What is the night game?

Falcons, Green Bay. I dared, yeah, it's Falcons, Green Bay, and I'm daring Brendan Walsh to just get really shitty with me on our day off and bet way too much money on the game, but neither of us know which way to go. I already bet on the Falcons. Minus three or plus three? Hey, Tracy, sorry, you're knitting,

but if you just slap my computer screen, you can see who I bet. I'll do it. You carry this show for a minute, Brendan. Ladies and gentlemen, you're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast, the baddest boy in comedy with the bestest podcast online. You can visit him at Doug Stanhope on Twitter, underscore Doug, underscore comedy on Facebook, comedy's bad boy on LinkedIn.

I bet Packers. If you're trying to hire the, well. Packers. Who'd you say you bet? I bet Packers. I bet the other guys. All right. Maybe we just bet each other.

Well, I was thinking, well, there's two ways to do it. Bet together so you're all cheering together or bet against each other to have a rivalry. Taunt each other. But if we're already, why would we give? Well, we're doing it now, apparently. You're giving the Vig something. Yeah, I know.

I forget. We have a sportsbook sponsor, so I won't go down this. But we should still bet massively against each other. No, no, it's always more fun to... Well, then why don't we just do that with money? No, no, what I'm saying, we should bet each other. I get the Packers plus three at Atlanta, and the winner gets to pick the loser's opening joke.

Oh. Mm-hmm. Unless you can come up with something more clever, that's always a fun one where you have to say the opening joke. It's got to be a one-liner. You can't give a 15-minute dissertation like I do with most of my bits. Just a one-liner. Hey, where are we next?

Mobile? Mobile. Mobile, Alabama. I can't have racial slurs. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that.

I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that.

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I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that.

I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that.

I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that.

I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. I can still do that. What are you saying, sir? There's a good echo in here. You should get Eddie Vedder to do an acoustical ukulele set in here. This would be perfect.

At the suite. The suite that's four floors above our regular rooms. Below. No, below. I meant to say below. Our regular rooms are four floors above the suite yeah this is like a shitty version of the double tree which is these their regular rooms are better than this and this is a suite in new orleans but you know we get to hang out on a day off in new orleans which meant nothing other than going to the bar we played at yesterday

and overly hot half Asian. That's one that's very valuable to me. It's just being able to leave the hotel and walk around for an hour if you want to. And we're not going to have that until... Yeah, Mobile...

Mobile will be because we're downtown. Chaley and I walked around Mobile. There's nothing to see there, but it'll be downtown. Tallahassee is a piece of shit, awful fucking city. No reason to play there other than we need time to kill between other gigs. Pensacola. Gainesville. We had a little bit of fun in Gainesville.

Is that a college place? Yeah, Gainesville. And that's a piano bar. We should do a dueling piano set. Yes. Is there a dueling? Is it dueling pianos? I don't know.

I would imagine so. That would be great to do dueling pianos between two guys who don't know how to play piano and take requests, but, and try and do like, Oh, maybe that's the bet.

Oh man. No, I'll do that all fucking day long i have i recorded i have the recording i could find it where you know the foo fighters that song ever long yeah hello well like i don't know how to play it on guitar but i was like doing like it kind of sounded like it did it likeing the strings. But then I did the whole thing. It's just like, it's bad, but it's not. Maybe I could find it. It's your interpretation? Well, I'm trying to do a good job.

Does it look like you're like, he doesn't have it down, but he's earnest in what he's doing. I want to do it live. Where you have false self-assurance. Like, no, I'm doing this right. And everyone's like, oh, that's so bad. It sounds mostly like this. Let me see if Amanda can email it.

We don't do those kind of podcasts where we pause so you can just start texting. No, we're talking still. No, this is what you did the last time he was on a podcast. Was he? He played Crank Calls. That's right we pause so you can just start texting. No, we're talking still. No, this is what you did the last time he was on a podcast. Was he? He played Crank Calls. That's right, yeah. Well, you had to edit those in later on. Well, yeah.

All right, the tour so far. We started in Dallas. It was a couple of days there. Fuck the La Quinta. The La Quintainta we didn't have the accoutrements. Yeah, the La Quinta gave me the $250 smoking in the

room charge. And you didn't smoke in there. No, I never smoked. Yeah. Why would a world renowned smoker smoke in a room? That's like Jerry Sandusky going to a like a no championship game with the bcs bcs is even correct i was doing that for a while like people say like i'm the

michael jordan of making couch sales or whatever i would always say i'm the jerry sandusky of like because he was the best at what he did i I'm the Jerry Sandusky of phone sales. On a couple levels. No, actually, in the trial, one of the people that was accusing Jerry Sandusky said, listen, yeah, he raped me as a child, but it was good. He was the best. He was the best. I've been fucking dudes in rest areas ever since i became an adult

no one can live up to sandusky slamming me in a shower so his politically so his his testimony was for sandusky he was saying he was good at no it was on cross-examination okay all right he fucked you when you were 10 but how was it uh perjury it's perjury it was pretty good well like a thumbs up thumbs down or a scale one to ten how do you do this two thumbs in do you want to hear some of the ever long yeah of course it's three minutes long so we won't listen to the whole thing it sounds like it Yeah. Of course. It's a three-minute song, so we won't listen to the whole thing. It sounds like it. I don't even know this song. I waited here for you.

Never lost. We'll wait till it kicks in, man. Before it really starts rocking. Tonight. I wanted it to be. Oh, wait, what the fuck? Oh, my phone went off. Shit. Yeah, everyone, all the listening audience is going

shit sounds almost right kind of sounds like I'm on the right track Sounds like I'm on the right track It's basically the same Tonight

I wanted it to be There we go, that's great Out of your head Out of your head she sang And I want her Out of your head, out of your head she sang And I wonder When I speak along with you Here we go, the chorus Anything could ever feel this real forever

Anything could ever feel this real love, Gil Pretty good. It's not bad. It's terrible. Anything I'll ever feel, Gil It's terrible. Gotta promise not to stop when I say it will She said

So yeah, that's... You can see how the dynamic of this tour has changed, having Brendan Walsh back in the fucking saddle. It sounds, but it's basically like... What you've done is, you've taken the time to correctly learn a song incorrectly. Because you went right back to your root note there

at the end, when you went back into the verse again. You went to the right. But it was all riffing. But you could have... I know, but you went back to the one position. You went right back there. So you just learned it incorrectly.

Or you didn't try to learn it at all. Well, it's not even none of it. Yeah, no, I never learned anything. I'm familiar with the song. I didn't want to insult you. I'm familiar with the song, and I have a guitar, and I'm like, well, I know how it goes, and I can make noises close to that.

Sure. But I think I do want to get booked on a show where it's just like, all right, now Brendan Walsh is just going to play every long, just have an acoustic guitar and do it. It's not a joke. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that'd be good. I don't want to wait in line, though. If I could skip the line.

Yeah. Then imagine who they'd get up there if no one had to wait in line. That would be a good no lines. No line American got talent. First come, first serve. Guaranteed camera time. That was good. We filmed your backstory randomly

based on... And then her sister died in the equestrian event and that sent her on her path to follow her dream. And then she's like... And you go, oh, we just did this whole

like Olympic sad backstory for this America's Good Talent contestant. And now she's going to follow her dream. She grew up in a fucking sewer pipe. She was India. She raised Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from the sewer. And then she stinks completely and everyone mocks her and gives her the X.

Sewer pussy. Wow, I haven't heard that in a while. Yeah. Well, Brendan Walsh has not been on the fucking road with us for like nine years, I think it is. Yeah. When I moved to... I haven't been on the road with you since i moved to los angeles because that's when i stayed at your place yeah on my way there i was like i don't think i'm gonna go on the road you're like i don't want you on the road anymore it was like wow that's

the most mutual breakup i've ever had you're still friends well no yeah well it was just like i was like well i don't want to be one of those guys that moves to la and is on the road like i know a handful of guys who are like i'm moving la and i'm still going to be on the road 42 weeks a year and it's like well why don't you stay in cincinnati where rent is 400 a month for yeah and and then you go out to la hey do you know this guy no never heard of him never does sets said any of the never does sets in town this is his time off when he's here so yeah how many sets a week do you do in la roughly uh on average if you averaged it out two all right and two like 10 minute sets sometimes i was gonna say All right. Two, like, 10-minute sets. Sometimes it'll be... Yeah, I was going to say, for the listener, a set, when you see me on the road, that's a headlining set.

In L.A., where they do showcase sets, you're doing a 10- or 15-minute spot. Go ahead, Chaley. Let's put this in context. You have a new Bambino. So that's obviously changed, hasn't it? No, that hasn't changed the amount that I go on stage. It's not really his kid.

So, yeah. So two is rather light for someone in L.A. trying to stay up on comedy, right? You know, I'm also – I don't want to drive across town. Like, it's like my laziness will outweigh the – I mean, if I have... Basically, I get enough people. There aren't a ton of sets. The Comedy Store, I don't hang out there,

so I'm not a Comedy Store guy, which if you're in with the Comedy Store, then you can do a few sets a week there, which would be good for me to work it out, but I don't want to drive all the way across town and hang out. Yeah, and then I'm going to have to Uber because I'm not want to drive all the way across town for 10 hang out yeah and then like it's i'm gonna have to uber because i'm not gonna be at the comedy store for more than 10 minutes

without having a couple drinks it's not like a fun place to hang out and i mean it is actually with mitchell in the back bar yeah but then again that's why the uber but it's also like i don't want to i don't want to like i'm like well if you guys aren't gonna like if i'm not like enough of a comic like the old guy that used to book it was like man you just gotta hang out and like keep showing up oh that was tony we i don't know when when someone thought you were john dore and asked you oh that's when uh yeah you were John Doerr and asked you to. Oh, that's when. Yeah. You were there.

Yeah. I missed it. You and Ron White, we were all hanging out in the back. And then you and Ron, everybody wanted to jump up on stage and do a set. And I was sitting in the back with Amanda. And I was like, I should see if I can do a set. It was just one of those like fun like you know kind of drunken nights and i was and she was also she was like you shouldn't do a set like i was drunker and i thought like i was like happy crazy i'm not drunk brendan i'll go up and

play everlong if somebody showed me a video the next day i'd go oh yeah i wouldn't fucking want that guy anywhere near me. So the waiter guy comes by and is like, hey, how you doing? Can I get you? I was like, just some waters. And I was like, it would be all right if I went up and did a set. He's like, let me check. And he goes and talks to the guy, the booth guy, and yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you want to do? You want to go up after Ian Edwards? Okay, yeah, great. I was like, all right, see? Like Amanda, like, yeah, well, I didn't think I had any pull here, but see how it works. And then like Ian's on stage and he's like, oh, welcome to the stage, John Doerr. And I thought he was joking around. I was like, ah, good one.

And then I just do a fucking set. You don't address the name thing. You just keep going? I just made a... I don't know. I probably said... Did you do your set or John Doerr's set? No, my set.

I didn't plan. This wasn't me. And that's what I found out later. So you really ruined John Doerr's image. This is kind of the story of my life. I do enough bad things that i should be blamed for that i get away with but the things that really fuck me where i'm like i had nothing to do with that it was a misunderstanding like i understand why you think i would do something

like that but i didn't do it uh the the story we have about uh when played Lexington, Kentucky or Louisville. It was Louisville. Louisville. The dead bird. Yeah, that's in the book. That's in the new book. The dead bird. Yeah, this prank that we did that we never did, but we just let the story live.

So we never did it. Neither confirmed nor denied. No, no. We're completely didn't. But I don't did it. Neither confirm nor deny. No, no. We're completely deny. But I don't deny it. Like, we never did that. Oh, the dead bird was never there? No, it was all because of that,

the baby cunt nose owner, Sobel. Yeah, the guy with the hole in his nose. Yeah, it had to come from him. He was trying to charge you. It's a long story. But the short version is in the book. He tried to take to come from him. He was trying to charge you. It's a long story, but the short version is in the book. He tried to take money away from you. There was something.

Yeah, he said, oh, you lost the room key. I'm taking it out of your pay. And I said, well, no, the condo key. He's like, it's a special key. It costs $225. And he was going to take it out of Brendan's money because Brendan hadn't gotten paid yet. And I go, no, I lost the key because I already got paid. And I'm not paying you $225 for a fucking room key.

Yeah. Anyway, do you have any latest pranks that you've pulled other than that fake I have a baby thing that you're trying to sell it? You know, I should put this out again. The OMG gossip thing that you've seen. The live gossip show. Have you not seen it? I haven't seen it. You don't talk to us anymore since you get all big. And I mean fat.

Yeah, I know. Look like fat Polack. There's this online live streaming gossip show called OMG Awesome. OMG Awesome. Oh, my gossip. Yeah, I guess so. OMG Awesome. Yeah, yeah. awesome oh my gossip oh yeah i guess so mg yeah yeah and my agent not to go all hollywood on you emails me one day and is like i'm just sending this to you because that's my job uh i watched

a clip it's the worst thing i've ever seen uh but do you want to do this and i watch the thing and it's just like shitty like not even d-level celebrities like influence people who watch real housewives gossiping around about things and people who watch it's just like nobody it's just like oh man it's a girl that fucking has shoe but sold shoes to beyonce and she's here to fucking tell her so whatever and it's it is the worst thing i've ever seen and i'm like they don't know who i am like they have somebody like scouring twitter or something i guarantee they don't know who i am and yes tell them i'll do it and so i hire a guy i put an ad on craigslist um uh fifty dollars to do a live uh under like gigs or something like

yeah gigs i think like a one-time thing must be comfortable with nudity and uh so uh i get this guy and it was like fucking last minute too because like because i had this idea of what i wanted to do and was like fuck nobody one guy replied to it and i told him what i was gonna do and he's he's like uh yeah no i know that show i don't want do that. But I know a guy who might want to. And I was like, well, give him my number. Because I already had a backup plan. You Skype in to the show. I don't know if I said that.

So you're at your place. So you're a guest on the show, which is an online show in itself? It's online, yeah. OMG Gossip or omgossip.com or.tv. I'll figure it out. OM Gossip. They do it on Wednesdays and I want people to continue doing this. And this is a good,

so that thing we were listening to with that retarded kid who's on a sex offenders list that sent chills through my fucking body because of the third part of this story. Uh, wait, what part are we at now? We're at the first part. So the guy, get the guy got the guy so there's so i have a backup plan where i'm like all right well i'm not gonna get a guy to do what i want him to do so i was like well i'm still gonna do it i'll just

pack my mouth with bloody gauze and just be like and do the interview that way. Not as funny as the plan. So then the day of the thing, the guy's friend calls me or texts me and says, hey, yeah, I'm willing to do it. For $50. $50. And I'm like, well, where do you live? Because it's like at 4, it's like 3.30 when he calls me, because it's like at 4 it's like 3.30 when he calls me

and they go live at 5 East Coast or West Coast time 8 o'clock East Coast time I guess and he's like I live in West Hollywood I was like listen I can't get to you because I was like I'll go to your place because I have like a fucking fully pregnant wife at home

and I'm like I don't want to fucking bring some naked weirdo in here like I needed to vet him first but he's like oh I have a I have an bring some naked weirdo in here. Like, I needed to vet him first. But he's like, oh, I have an audition in Silver Lake. Either way, I meet him at a bar. We run through the thing. I'm like, okay, the guy's weird, but he's fine. He's not going to.

Wait, hang on. What are you going to be? Why are you on the show? To talk about what? They just wanted me as a guest on their show. Because you're a comedian. As a gossip. Okay, so you're just going to do color commentary for whatever the gossip. Just an interview.

They have people popping in on Skype like, oh man, this is in the news today. Brad Pitt bought a fucking vest and wore it on a red carpet. And then you chime in. What do you have to say about that looking mixed race lady from fucking Bravo? She's from Altoona, Pennsylvania.

Yeah, yeah. I know her. And so it's that. They'll pop in, oh man, Brandon, what do you got? That sounds like something in your wheelhouse.

And so I meet the guy at a bar. I buy him fucking macaroni and cheese. And I tell him, and I have a couple drinks. And I'm like, okay. And he's on his bike. I'm like, well, I'm going to ride home.

Did you take that out of the 50? No, no, no. Hannigan would on his bike. I'm like, well, I'm going to ride. Did you take that out of the 50? No, no, no. Hannigan would have. Well, I was just so happy that like this plan. I have not been so happy when a plan came together at the last minute. So here's the thing that we did. So we go to my place. He's on my laptop.

We go through the moves that we need the camera to do. He's playing you. He's on my laptop. We go through the moves that we need the camera to do. He's playing you. He's playing me. He's got a beard, but he's like a redheaded, almost dwarf guy with huge muscles. And I give him like a shirt to wear. He's wearing a Phillies cap. And I put some gold chains on him too, just to have. Spice it up.

And so we go through the movie and i i'm like they gave me these topics what's something you can talk about he's like what are your credits don't worry about it make like just what's something you can talk about so they you know and then you're on the phone you're on the you go log into this thing and there's a producer talking to you saying like okay so uh this is skype right it's like skype well q it's skype yeah but it saying like, okay, so, uh, Skype, right? It's like Skype. It's Skype. Yeah. But it's like a cue,

like their own thing that you use Skype to go through. They'll punch to you and then you'll go onto the site. You're just, you're not on there the whole time. So he talks to the guy and we have a story that's worked out. I'm like, just talk about that when they go to you. Cause they,

they give you topics, which one you want to talk about. And one was like, I wish I invented or something. And he had like this weird long rambling. I said, just do that. You're me.

And just do that. So then it's right off the top of the show. So I wish I had invented. Let's see who's a Britain. While she could go in and it cuts to this fucking redheaded guy. Uh, there it says, Brendan Walsh, Los Angeles, California.

He goes, I wish I invented, you know, like, transportation by zip lines. Like, in Home Alone, you know when he's riding around and he holds his arms up and they're huge? He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. They cut back to the guy, yeah. And he's like, well, I wish they invented. And then you hear me off camera. I go, hey, man man where's the laundry detergent

he goes oh shit hold on that's my roommate and he gets up it pans down in his fucking dick he's not wearing any pants it's just full dick and then it cuts back to the guy and you see people on the screens behind him like oh and he's like oh no oh man you go live that's what happens oh boy and then like it was done and i was just like so oh my god we did it because the move had to be perfect because he had to stand up and also tilt the fucking screen down and i was like oh i was like so fucking like i was I have not been that excited. I mean, I mean like the baby was cool and all, but like that was so like high fiving myself. Like I can't believe it. That was perfect.

That was perfect. Here's your 50 bucks. So then I'm so jazzed about that. And I'm like, God, I want to do it again. And I have a fake Twitter account. Well, it have a fake twitter account well it's a real twitter account it's a fake guy named renee fabergé who's a fake gossip guy where i just tweet i basically retweet it's a great fucking gossip name and uh he's got like pictures of himself as renee yeah yeah i shot a thing and uh so renee fabergé and renee's thing is he like quote retweets like something from us weekly where it's like kim kardashian got in a fender bender

and he'll retweet it and then his is like breaking eggs fabergé egg exclusive that's his thing it's a fabergé egg exclusive like so i like retweet other people's things that act like he's he's the one breaking this story so i'm just like i find that om gossip has a twitter account so renee tweets them is like i love your gossip would love to do your show sometime two seconds later love to to have you on sending my email. Renee Fabergé at gmail.com email him. And we set it up for that Wednesday. So I put on my Renee Fabergé outfit,

hire a different dick guy. The first dick guy wasn't available. So I go to a different place to shoot this. And then it's me. Same thing. Like whatever the show. And best decision I ever made. That was like the topic or whatever.

Let's see. Renee, what do you got? Oh, and I'm on the phone with or like on the Skype with a producer. Like, okay, we'll come to you, blah, blah, blah. And it's all set up and the sound because i was wearing uh earpiece and like my my uh earbuds basically i was using as a mic because the mic and a headphone yeah yeah because it was too echoey in the place that i was at either way so uh i'm talking to a producer i'm in the queue and then uh cuts to renee renee uh what's the best decision you ever made well my best decision was tweeting to you to get on the show and i like motion for the guy

and then like a fucking dick just comes in next to my face and a guy goes have you seen my pants and it fucking cuts and then the guy this is the next week this is a week after the first one and then the guy goes all right well renee like he's kind of annoyed all right he's trying to be trying to get on trying to be famous trying to do something you got weird friend and uh so then i'm like i got and duncanussell keeps tweeting. Like he was putting it up on Live Link, but OM Gossip kept taking it down after they saw that it was there. But Duncan was like, why does this guy keep ruining my favorite gossip show with his filth?

And we're going to lose this Dallas bet. You're like on the one yard bet. It's only second quarter. It's only second quarter. Relax. So is Shelly okay? Shelly's retching a bit. I don't know if it's our cigarette smoke. Shelly's vomiting in the toilet right now.

Yeah. Was Shelly really drunk last night i don't remember he's he's not drinking oh geez why why don't we have a mic in there i'm too lazy to get up and put a mic in there this one will reach maybe he's retching really now here he comes now he's done is it the cigarette smoke? Oh, wait. Now here he goes. Get the mic. Get the mic.

Oh, now Tracy's retching. God damn it. Get the maid in here. Get the mic on these two. We have to Axe Body Spray the place. I have a bit of a... Oh, it is? Yeah.

Crank up the AC. The smoke did that to you? What? What else? Laughing. You fucking drive fucking a thousand hours with us a week. I smoke my cigarette out. I don't smoke, by the way. The fans should have been on the whole time.

Since when does Chaley... He's around my cigarette smoke all the time. The Funhouse, I smoked that place out. I just... And now, all of a sudden, he's got a hinky belly? No. He should go to a doctor. Maybe he had a sideways turkler.

That turkler was sour. I think it was probably because of the other night we were in that one bar. Oh, in Dallas? There was a lot of smoke in that bar that's where that La Quinta tried to fuck me but you know what guess what I'm gonna just charge you back on my credit card let's take a quick break

and plug some shit that you're gonna love it holy horseshoes it's the all Things Comedy Comedy Festival, including the Doug Stanhope Podcast. That's right, All Things Comedy is doing their comedy festival with all sorts of your favorite podcasts. This is October 26th through 29th in Phoenix, Arizona.

This is October 26th through 29th in Phoenix, Arizona. Our podcast will be on the 26th. The full crew at the Orpheum Theater in Phoenix. This festival, Chaley, includes Bill Burr, Bert Kreischer. He's doing the Colin Sick to Work podcast. Jimmy Pardo, Doug Benson, Ari Shafir. And everyone's hanging out. There's stand-up shows, there's live podcasts. It's the full Sunday through Thursday, October

26th, Matt Becker's birthday, who will be there, through the 29th. Yep. So go to standuplive.com and click Phoenix, Arizona. Yeah. That's where you get all your tickets, all your information.

Everyone's going to be hanging out and fucking around for, we're going to stay the whole weekend. Doug, it says here I'm on the site. It says Thursday, 10 26 at 8 PM. The Doug Stano podcast with Chad Shank, Greg Shaley and special guests.

Yes, we have a special, special guest we're going to blow this one up this will be our best podcast ever they'll be intrigued they'll be I don't know they'll be it's going to be fun

and then we'll fuck off and jack up other people's podcasts it is a full weekend actually it's a long weekend it's the Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Tons of shows. Be there. If you're a fan of podcasts, this is the place to be.

Yeah. We're overdue for a festival, especially one we're invited to and not just crashing. Hey, don't forget. Get your tickets at StandUpLive.com. It's in Phoenix, Arizona. It starts off on October 26th. Buy tickets. Haveive.com it's in phoenix arizona it starts off on october 26th buy tickets have fun support it it's all things comedy comedy festival i like we're getting our uh our show out of the way right away so we can be fucked up for the rest of the weekend we'll see you there we'll

see you on the streets we'll see you in the shows we'll see you in the gutters all right we're back okay another story that i won't retell because it's in the book which you can pre-order this is not fame on amazon by doug stanhope comes out december 5th pre-orders matter you remember our the indian wedgie thing where i could have been a Florida fucking registered sex offender just for giving myself an upturned wedgie with my jockstrap over my bathing suit. And some cunt says I was exposing myself. But even in Bisbee, they have the ghost tours where someone who was annoyed, one of the local rummies who was annoyed with the ghost tours coming past the Grand,

mooned them while there were kids in the ghost tour, and they were going to charge him as a sex offender for mooning some fucking scurrilous fucking, oh, no, there's ghosts. No, there's no ghosts, you fucking scam artist. And everybody has an ass. Yeah. It turns out, yeah.

Unless you're a kid, you don't know about asses yet. Yeah, yeah, you haven't showered with your folks yet. It's so fucking... Well, here's... It's omgossip.tv is the website. So go to them. They do this live every Wednesday. Look at it

because they take callers too where you can Skype in as a fan. Is this a Killer Termites call to action? It's a call to action. Look at the two of these fucking Chaley and Tracy both are

covering their faces. Is it that smoky in here? Tracy is crocheting a... Why don't we send Chaley home and give him a sick day because he's almost vomiting into a face cloth for three cigarettes.

I gotta pour some lavender into my handkerchief. This smoke's giving me a case of the vapors. Have one of the colored girls fetch me a mint jeweler. Get the vapors from this. So yeah, Wednesdays, yeah, it's a killer termite's call to action, but they take calls, Skype calls on this show where they'll be like, oh, we'll go to James

and Addison. Unless you are afraid of being labeled a fucking registered sex offender. Well, that would have been because, yeah, don't put your penis out. Do another gag. Oh, yeah, yeah. Do another gag. Just flood the line. You don't have to

Flood the lines, yeah. Baba buoy gag. Just flood the line. You don't have to. Flood the lines, yeah. Baba buoy them with your own baba buoy. Exactly. Just watch yourself. In this climate, hard to pull your penis out without being labeled some kind of pervert. Yeah, that was a good run. I want to do it again as a caller. There's something that escapes me that I did recently, too.

But nothing happened. The lawyer said it was a matter of time. No, no, because we never showed the dick, but I was like, oh, my God. Because that's an easy thing to point at. Because it's an indefensible where I'm like, it's hilarious. And the show's pointless. 30 people are watching like Amanda was watching at home and was like,

it has numbers on the live stream. They can spin anything. 60 tops were watching. Which is the less the viewership, the more it's easy for them to spin it. If it ever was a court case into no because of this TV have you seen TMZ imagine if someone

well it's not TMZ well it didn't happen thank god but that yeah listen cause I was like I'm really scared like how just like good natured fun could lead to like a fucking lifetime of registering.

That's where we are a little bit golden in that we do have we're slim on doctors. We've got a few, but we've got a lot of lawyers in the killer termites that love to work

pro bono for fun. They have as much fun fucking with people being our lawyers pro bono as you do making the pranks they like to be accessories to the prank if it turns poorly well and also not that i would be wishing for it but that would be the best way to wind up on a sex offenders. Like that would be my next special, registered sex offender. And you just open with the story of how you got on the list. Careful what you wish for. No, I'm not wishing for it.

That's what I'm saying. When I was listening to that, I was horrified. That thing in the car with that guy. Oh, I was going to say, what was the story? It was an autistic kid who sent porn anime to some girl he was communicating with.

Not just autistic. He had a laundry list of stuff. And his mom was a fucking shithead. Yeah, but he was young and had a best buddy. And it was a girl about the same age. He was 18. Wait, wait, wait. Let's plug that. Was that the butterfly effect? Yeah, yeah. was a girl well the thing was oh wait hang on he was 18 she was like wait wait wait let's uh

let's plug that was that the butterfly yeah yeah yeah okay yeah we because i forgot to tweet that go to audible.audible.com yep it's not a commercial so we don't have and get john ronson the butterfly effect it's a five-part, six-part. Five or six, something like that, yeah. Yeah, it's like three hours worth of listening. Yeah, it's three hours. But it's broken up. Fast forward through the intros every hour.

It's like this series, that serial that was on from NPR. It's so good. I've read at least two John Ronson books, The Psychopath Test, So You've Been Publicly Shamed, which is fantastic. There's another one I can't remember, but this, Chad Shank,

thank you for turning us on to that. Or, yeah, The Butterfly Effect by john ronson get that on audible listen to it on your way to work it's an amazing amazing story shit i never thought about it starts with the guy who bought porn hub or yeah yeah it's all about basically how internet porn first it goes to how it like put the industry out of business, more or less. I mean, people were still going to make porn, but you used to make money producing movies. But it goes in so many different directions. Yeah, and that's part of it.

Like that guy and also that millennials are having less sex. Fabian was his name. Fabian, the guy from Brussels was the first guy. No, no, no. He's from Montreal. What? Fabian's the guy from Brussels, was the first guy. No, no, no. He's from Montreal. What? Fabian's the guy that bought porno. He's from Montreal.

Originally from Brussels. That's where he came from. I thought that was the stamp collection guy. No. All right, let's try to give it all away. But it is interesting because it takes it from Fabian, and then you keep going. What is it?

It's a ripple effect. It's a good examination of a thing. It's kind of like 42-20. Raiders beat the Jets. Nice. We fucking won that bet. You guys didn't tell everyone. You got some crazy parlay

going, right? You guys still alive? No, no. We're done with that parlay. We lost. It was like a $1 parlay that would pay $103. We basically bet on every game for a dollar. The dogs. Oh, shit. Dolphins is over?

All right. But I'm interested in that kind of stuff. It is. It's like the freakonomics of porn is is what that butterfly effect is but just in general like i think about that kind of stuff all the time of like you know multiverse theory stuff where it's like oh if i like walked out of here right now and just went somewhere like i would just have this whole other the road less existence like well like i mean for example i mean it's lame but the when the year i the the year i did

the montreal new faces thing was the year after i lost my mind at the desert and i fucking bailed left town wore all white shaved my head and uh went to left austin and went to philly and like portland a little bit i don't know but i when i went back to austin they were doing the showcases for the new faces thing but i didn't really advertise that i was back and i just went to the club one night. And they were like, oh, well, they're doing the new faces thing. Do you want to be on it? And I just remembered the other new faces showcases that I did where there'd be kind of older, washed up. No, not even washed up.

Never put in a washing machine. washed up like no you're not even washed up like never put in the washing machine like just guys that where it's like you're 42 and you've haven't you've been doing comedy for 20 years why are you showcasing still like they've seen you a thousand times why are you trying to get on like they would show up like could i get on you think and they'd be like yeah sure go fucking waste everybody's time for five minutes so uh how many times can you do the new faces i'm looking at you in the mirror but i'm smoking over here because i'm tired of watching fucking chaley cough into a face cloth like it's a bloody handkerchief fucking tombstonestone. I'm coughing into the face cloth and putting the mic away

so that I can sit here and listen to our wonderful guest, Brendan Walsh, on the podcast because I like his stories. Now, if I don't do that, then I do... No, you're trying to vomit into that face cloth.

What the... All right, I'm leaving. I'm leaving. You guys don't even need a guest. Don't leave. You're the only one listening to me sometimes he walks out can you see if my clothes are dry you need a card key to get in there this is not the first time he's walked when he's low on serotonin. Can you hold my cigarette so I can rebar that door? He's probably going to come back, right?

Or no? No, no. Well, Tracy, do you want to hold the cigarette? Sometimes when I'm drunk and I'm a little too mean to Chaley and he's a little too threadbare on the road, sometimes he leaves. A little too being the only sober guy for the past week. As much as we trash this suite,

it's got a lot of square footage and high ceilings. Now he's coming back. Yeah, yeah. Does it seem dry? Is he coming back or not? Oh. Oh, see, he's not coming back yeah yeah does it seem is he coming back or not oh no see he's not coming back greg yeah he was my only friend here no i was your friend too but i was not he was gagging into he's holding like we live in a world of thick cigarette smoke.

I mean, he lives with you guys, so cigarette smoke... That's why I was trying to get Tracy to take over his spot. Take his mic, Tracy. You don't have to talk. Just take his mic so we can look at you here. I'll take two mics. I'll do a press conference. Well, I'm giving 104%.

Are you leaving us too? Oh, yeah. Move over. Tracy's taking over. Tracy's taking over. Tracy's taking over the Chaley spot. Have athletes say they're giving 104% instead of 110. You're going to get in so much trouble for sitting in the Chaley seat. Take the mic and be Chaley.

Take the mic and be Chaley. Why is he so tender today? I don't know. He's probably just too many oysters. He said he wasn't drunk last night. Maybe he took his mic. No, there it is. He went to breakfast and then he went back

and slept all afternoon? He did, but then he was trying to get some stuff done and then things weren't working out and he was getting mad and he even said

a couple times that he was in a bad mood. Oh, that's good. So. I like it. There's a couple, well, several podcasts where we just shit on him bad mood. That's good. There's a couple, well, several podcasts where we just shit on him

too much, but today he's vomiting. I don't know why that came out. He's retching and then he's holding a rag over his mouth. After three cigarettes. That was three cigarettes in a room bigger

than the fun house. And I don't remember what I was talking to him about. I don't know either. But now we can talk about him behind his back. He's a good fellow. The guys. He's a good fellow. There we go.

Back to Montreal. Well, people, this is something. The old timer who's a new face. Well, yeah, yeah. That's what I didn't want to be. So I come back after bailing. What's his name? Goddamn Rocky...

Rocky... What's his name? Rocky Dennis? That was on Last Comic Standing. I grew up in the primarily Italian neighborhood. It's called Rome. Remember Rocky? God damn it, what's his name? I don't know.

You remember more than I do. He was this journeyman, very funny comic in the 80s from Chicago. And he had all, yeah, it was tough. I was the oldest kid in the third grade. I was the only kid in third grade who'd been to the NAMM. Okay. I can't remember. He's one of those guys like a

john fox or point yes if john fox was on last comic trying to get his first break at 50 like like he's a new comic yeah yeah and that was like that's like that's kind of a side i just didn't want to be that like i bailed from austin came back around the same time they were doing it. I hung out at the club, and they're like, oh, we're doing the New Faces thing. Do you want to be on it? I was like, I don't want to be one of those guys. It's like, can I get on the showcase? I was like, no, I'm fine.

It's fine. So the next day, the showcase day, this is like a Sunday. I was smoking pot back then. And I just smoked a bunch of pot and sat down to watch The Simpsons. I was like, I'm fucking high and I'm going to watch The Simpsons. This is great. On my big comfortable couch. Then I get a text from the club manager saying they want to

see you if you're there if you want to come do the showcase the montreal guys want to they want you on the showcase and i'm like okay well maybe i'll do it and and it was like a real legitimate maybe where i i remember that moment of going couch or showcase where like i hadn't been on stage in a long time and uh don't worry yeah no but it's hard to i know sorry sorry to know sorry i i know all kinds of fucking Robin Williams mime action. But I remember that moment of like, I could have gone either way, where I was like, I could stay here on the couch or I could go do that thing. Hang on. Bob Seger said, stood there on a mountaintop, staring out at the Great Divide. I could go east. I could go east.

I could go west. It was all up to me to decide. Yeah. I wanted to put some Jeff Tate-flavored Bob Seger tension into this story. Go ahead. Well, it's more about the butterfly effect of where... So I wound up going to do oh well fuck it i'll just go do it even though i was high and like but i had seven good minutes and did it and then like

ultimately it led to doing the montreal thing which led to me getting that manager which led to me going to los angeles and selling shows and like make you know whatever like not that i'm like a success story but i i think you're missing a beat on the way from austin to los angeles he did stay at my house for like a month a a sign for no reason randomly that said diarrhea that you printed out and you put it under one of my stolen clocks, which remains there. And I helped build the fun house. The fun house was like. Yeah, but the diarrhea is far more important.

You just put a sign under one of the stolen clocks in the living room that said diarrhea. Not even diarrhea o'clock, which would make. No matter where the hands are, it's always diarrhea o'clock. Don't have it better well i guess i assumed it was like when you go to an airport bar in dubai it's 4 a.m in new york it's 8 p.m and yeah yeah but you just underneath one of the clocks randomly put diarrhea that might have been the thinking behind it we will never take that down

but that's i think about like if i didn't get off the couch that day what would have you know maybe it would have been better maybe it would have been worse or maybe if you would have pushed it you'd be a registered sex offender exactly well no that's what i'm saying if i had never done the fucking montreal thing i wouldn't be a registered sex offender exactly well no that's what i'm saying if i had never done the fucking montreal thing i wouldn't be a registered sex offender that's true that that would be a true butterfly effect where if i didn't get off that couch i wouldn't have fucking moved to la eventually and i wouldn't have met wheeler walker jr and i wouldn't have been showing dicks on live web shows that's one of those things that where you go i i hope if i die well you you have done

dmt a few times where you go all right i'm you you just know too much you go somewhere well it's it's it's an interesting interesting fucking drug i'm saying if if your life flashed I'm saying if your life flashes before your eyes when you're dying, I would honestly rather figure out where I lost all that shit. I lost my keys. Where's that fucking T-shirt? I love that T-shirt. Where's that Swiss Army knife? Yes.

That Cleveland Browns T-shirt I used to wear. It was my favorite T-shirt. And I swiss army knife yes yeah i i that cleveland browns t-shirt i used to wear it was like my favorite t-shirt and i don't know where it went i didn't give it away did i lose i would rather know where i lost all of my shit yeah rather than what i could have become yeah because what i would have become that's neulous. But where I lost my shit is definitive. There's a place I left that in a hotel room because I was drunk and I had to fucking get out of town. I'd rather just have all the times flash before your eyes that you're laughing so hard that you can't breathe,

which it's harder and harder to come by it's comes yeah and that's like that's best times like the bone zone was really like filled that fucking void in my life for a while of like just getting on like just a naturally progressing thing where you're calling a bowling alley trying to reserve a private party but we're going to release a box of frogs into the alley and bowl around them and the lady is fucking like you're going to release a box of what and then you're like frogs we have a box of frogs it started with southwest because with my not that i'm like doing bits here but like I've been on that I tweet every now and then oh wow you're allowed to smoke on some Southwest flights

so we called Southwest to try and tell them that ask them which routes you can smoke on and we're just caught in his phone tree and then like while we were on hold I was like or maybe we should just say can I release a box of frogs? I just think of like the Brady Bunch, Bobby Brady. Remember he had a frog one time. There's like frogs were like big with kids back in the Dennis Dementes days. And I just had this idea of having a box of frogs that you wanted to take and release them in places and see if it was okay. And the lady was like,

we can't release frogs here. I was like, well, bring them all back. We're not going to kill them or anything. We're just going to let them hop around while we have our private party. She's like, no,

you can't do that. I said, okay, well, we're still going to reserve it. I'm going to bring a box. There's not going to be frogs in it. And then I'll just bring that without the frogs.

Is that okay? And she's like, well, there's going gonna be frogs in there and like just like those like just those silly fucking thing and then like like the bone zone is the last time like all the like there's multiple times where i literally had to just like you just have to stop because you're laughing so you're bent over laughing so hard you can't breathe. And that doesn't happen.

They used to happen every day when you're 12. It's harder and harder. And that's why I envy Brendan Walsh more than anybody is because he still does this dumb chasing it. And I'm kind of stuck in this box of trying to make points. Yeah. chasing it and i'm kind of stuck in this box of trying to make points yeah where i've thought about like i just like tweeting dumb stuff when i'm around you yeah we used to fucking goof off a lot but yeah like they would think i'm serious if i said it like i'm honest i'm so honest well i don't want to i want to i kind of want to go and be fucking goofy. I'm like a heroin addict chasing the dragon,

but my heroin is laughing like a 10-year-old. That's probably Chaley going, can I come back? Can I come back? Hang on, hang on. We're on the Doug Stano podcast, and this is Chaley who just walked out because I've offended him again during a podcast. So here he is on speakerphone to beg his way back.

Go ahead, Greg Chaley. Oh, Christ. I was just calling you to tell you I was pooping. I got to go. Oh, that was Greg Chaley saying he was just pooping. I know it sounded like bingo but it was definitely greg i gave her all the fucking setup that she could have pretended to be great well i think you said about tom brady we were watching the patriots uh

saints game and i just like made an offhand comment of like you know he's a good quarterback I don't care what I'll be the first to say it he's a pretty good quarterback and you said that press conference thing about being first of all before uh when I first got there the bartender the cutie girl Madison uh said you know what? I'm going to have to admit it. He's a great quarterback. So she said seriously what you were saying, joking. I'm the first person to say it. You spelled that part out.

I'll be the first person to say it. He's really a good quarterback. But she had just gotten done this tirade with this fucking Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Steelers fans are the worst. You're worse than Raiders fans, by the way. You're fucking people who jumped on the fucking Dallas Cowboys, America's team. I'm not from there, but I want to fucking leech on to a winner. The black hides how obese I am.

Don't wear the jersey. The black black hides how obese I am. Don't wear the jersey. The black jersey hides how obese I am. Like, you find a team where the jersey makes you look good. Well, in the 80s, everyone was a fucking cokehead, high on fucking making stockbroker money. So they were Dallas people. And now everyone's fucking bust-ass. Oh, I identify with Pittsburgh because they're blue-collar.

They're not you, you fucking cunts. They're not you. They're all making more money, and they'll actually blow it all where your blue-collar ethic will make you save money, and you'll actually have some kind of umbrella when you retire unlike the fucking flashy fucking escalade driving bunch of fucking posse crystal fucking spearmint rhino fucks that'll be punch drunk and cte by the time you're going i guess they weren't blue collar after all now they're out in front of my...

Ladies and gentlemen, that was just a Doug Stanhope bad boy of comedy patented rant. Nailed it! No, no, the bingo thing. You said the funny thing that you said to me after bingo saw Tom Brady at a press conference. Oh, yeah.

Me and neighbor Dave and Evelyn were at a hotel and Tom Brady's doing his after the game press conference. And he's talking and he's just dumb. And she's listening to him. We're all listening to him say this fucking boring rhetoric and she looks at him and says he's dumber than me he's as dumb as me he's as dumb as me

no I didn't mean it like that I guess we called bingo dumb too much but she did a good great Greg Chaley impression right there yeah Tracy you're gonna I guess we called Bingo dumb too much. But she did a good Greg Chaley impression right there. Yeah. Tracy, you're going to help us with the sponsors because Greg Chaley walked out.

But you know what? Behind every weak, shivering man is a fucking bombastic woman. Now, here, Carrie, I got to piss really bad. I have to pee, too. I piss really quick. My prostate is great because I have J. Lee's wife to work it. So you carry me through 30 seconds. We do a commercial?

Yeah, we're going to talk her up. But just talk her up. Ask what the commercial is going to be about or something. What's the commercial going to be about, Trace? Where's your microphone? God damn it. It's going to be about draft.com. Oh, yeah. Good God.

That's how much he loves it. I can hear him loving it. Let's go up to Chaley's room. It's about draftdodgers.com. Draft Dodgers? No, no. Once they reenact the draft, draftdodgers.com? Draft Dodgers? No, no. Once they reenact the draft, DraftDodgers.com. Oh, that's a lot of P.

Doesn't he make you have to pay more? Hey, that's one I wanted to put on Twitter for a – but there's three of us, so get your answer right. Don't worry, we'll get back to that. I'm done peeing, so now I have clarity of thought. One of those surveys, not surveys, but vote for a poll. Of the three major brands of Doug Stanhope podcast music, Matoided Mishka

Birdcloud All three of us have to vote? You only have to vote for number one. We don't want someone feeling like number three. I mean, in this day and age. Music! Just music. Oh wait, the fans are voting or I'm voting deep

Tracy love the matoid I'm gonna go bird club I'm Mischka that's a fucking three way tie I think personalities get into play here well the bird club girls are fun,

and I've seen them more recently. Mattoid is like, I haven't heard anything from the Mattoid in like a decade. Yeah, Mishka's the most irritating to me. All that stuff. Mishka puts out good music, and so does Bird Cloud, but they're fun girls.

And it's a different show. Like, I mean, you can watch, you know. All right. So there you go. You all won. I like more fun stuff. It wasn't even rigged. Ween, Flaming Lips, Justin Bieber.

Oh, God damn it. Hey, if you guys know Dean Ween, tell him I'm sorry I haven't got back to him, but I've been on the road doing the comedy. But, yeah, we will hook up. We will get Dean Ween on and Fat Mike from NoFX. You go pee. We're losing. We're going to lose this Cowboys bet.

It's only third quarter. But they're about to get another touchdown. No, they're not. Yeah, we are. They just did. All right, don't worry. We're going to win this fucking bet. It's going to go into overtime.

All right, let's take a break, and we will be back after these messages. Okay, we are on draft.com. Okay, we are on draft.com. You can also get it on PlayDraft, the app, on the App Store. But, I mean, we're not on that because we're just doing it. Yeah, I'm going to fix this stupid phone that doesn't have enough space to put it. I don't even get fucking apps. Brendan Walsh has 10,000 apps, and I just try to add one fucking app. You don't have enough space.

Well, that's your phone. That's not the app. The thing is with the app on the PlayDraft app that you can get on with your – your phone is the Android, and then I've got the iPhone. You can actually go head-to-head with someone. So when we get you set up on the app, we could go, I want you, and I put in your username, and then we go back and forth. But right now, we're just playing whoever.

Yeah, so now you go on, you go into the lobby, and they have a bunch of different drafts. I'm doing a beginner one for a $1 entry. Well, it's first 20 drafts, you are allowed to go in to beginner. So you at least know that the person doesn't have 500 drafts under their belt and just wiping you up. But last week I lost one, and then this last week, or the second week, you and I both did it, and I lost one and won one.

Okay, so this is a head-to-head. Yeah, I won mine. But I was panicked, clicking buttons. I didn't know. I didn't know what was going on the first week. And then even when I talked to you, of course, that's probably why they got us doing this because we don't know what the fuck we're doing. But the learning curve is quick because then I figured out what was going on, and I had a little bit more wits about me on the second one. I just entered a draft. so I don't know.

I'm waiting for someone to join. All right. Well, that might be me. God damn it. That might be you. This is real time. Could be me. This is real time.

I know I had Matt Ryan and Aaron Rodgers last week. All right. See, I'm still waiting. I'm one out of two. So now we're waiting. But I got second pick on mine, so I'm waiting for them. They get a minute to figure it out. Okay, so I'm not playing you.

You can help me. I'm looking at quarterbacks here. I'm going to want Aaron Rodgers. I would take Aaron Rodgers, too. Or Matt Ryan. I actually do pretty good with him. I'll take Rodgers or Brady. Whoever they don't pick, I don't know.

Brady's ranked lower. I know. He's only four on here. But that's the projection. That's not like... Well, they know't pick. I don't know. Brady's ranked lower. I know. He's only four on here. But that's the projection. That's not like. Well, they know more than me. All right. I have the first pick.

Taking Aaron Rodgers. Done. Okay. So I'm going against a guy named Dream Fitness. Fuck Dream Fitness. No picture in his thing. Put a picture in there. I haven't put a picture in mine.

He picked Rodgers. So I got Matt Ryan or Matthew Stafford. Detroit, they just played, right? Well, Detroit's playing at someone different. Yeah. I'd go Brady. I'd go Brady. Why not, right?

So now I'm down on the running backs. See, I don't know who the fuck to pick. I just go by the projection on the side. They know better than you, like you said. Buffalo, Pittsburgh. Find a Miami Dolphins. They're playing the Jets. Nope, I got no one.

I got eight seconds left. You know what? I'll go with Jacksonville. God damn it. All right. Okay, I got auto pick. I got Julio Jones. Oh, that's who you were looking at.

We did well with him. Cincinnati's got a good defense, I think. You know, everything's here. It tells you who they're playing. It tells you when their bye week is. All right, I'm going to take Devonta Freeman, Atlanta. With running? Yeah.

What's he play? He's playing at Detroit. All right. My pick against Baltimore? Yeah. I'm taking LeVon Bell. Done. I got him, too, against Chicago.

I got wide receivers and tight ends. Take Antonio Brown. What's a wide receiver, Doug? They catch the passes. Did you really just say what's a wide receiver? Like on the outside? Yeah, he's on the outside Why don't you have a fucking cat pick for you?

That's not my pick, that's why Cats don't have thumbs Antonio Brown I got Julio Jones as one of my wide receivers, the catchers. Your pick. All right. I've got one more. How many you got?

I think I got two more. I'm taking Michael Crabtree because he crushed it for me last week. I don't know anyone I picked last week except the quarterbacks. Okay. I'll go to New Orleans. Michael Thomas against the quarterbacks. I'll go to New Orleans. Michael Thomas against the Panthers. That's it.

Boom. Done. Didn't do one auto-pick either. Actually, one of them went because I took too long and then it auto-picks. My projection is 79.4 over Oscar Mike's 74.4. My projection, well, the guy I'm against, Dream Fitness, is 77.4 against my projection, which is 82.6.

Me and the cat picked good. All right. Well, hey, come steal our money at draft.com. I'm Stan Hope on here, so if you want to play me, I'll get that loaded in no time, soon as I get off the road. Come join me at Draft today. Download the app anytime. Just search Draft in your app store and join a game in minutes

or play right from your computer on playdraft.com, whatever you want. For a limited time only, all new players get a free entry into a draft when you make your first deposit. But you have to use my promo code, Stanhope. That's right. Play a real money game for free just for using promo code Stanhope on your first deposit on draft. Just search draft in the app store or go to PlayDraft.com

and come play for free with the promo code StanHope and use the app to set up private drafts with your friends. Maybe we can figure out how we can get people on Twitter to play some private head-to-heads with the fans. Yeah. Because I'm fucking unbeaten in this. I played once last week. Oh, you're one for one?

I crushed it. You're one for one? Crushed it. All right. Go on your fantasy. I'll be a professional in a few tries. Please hold. We'll be right back.

All right. Now, we're back. Listen, I have to get rid of shit on my phone, things I don't need, the Airbnb app, the Expedia app. No, I do that on my laptop. I will fucking destroy you at fantasy football just because I'm that good at being lucky.

Look at me. I'm 50 years old, never worked a day in my life. I'm drunk on a day off in New Orleans, and I don't even care to go out because my life is that perfect. Smoking in a room where, yeah, we're going to have to pay a $250 charge. I saw it through the sun, the sunbeams. He was throwing up after three cigarettes. I saw it through the sun. The sun being.

He was throwing up after three cigarettes. I counted. Hang on. Hang on. Call to action. Killer termites. Get on draft.com. Do it now.

Because once I figure out how I can do head to heads against each one of you over tweeting motherfuckers, I will destroy you because you see things in football like who's got an injury. I see who was yawning on the sideline. I will crush you. I really and you've thought about this to go in full on. Let's quit comedy and just be uh football better prognosticators oh yeah i just wiped two not one but two little puddles of spittle off of my microphone a windshield man that's another ladies and gentlemen i used to think you were kidding when you were talking about being a big bettor I bet baseball

Everything you say, you have to assume you're kind of fucking with someone But a lot of times you're not That follows me around Alright, I guess we're done How long does the podcast usually go for? Well, we're done now Oh, that's it? You just do a thing at the end? God damn it.

They did score a touchdown. I told you. You said they were gonna, but I'm not facing them. They were on the one-yard line. Well, that doesn't mean a thing. It wasn't like they're gonna. I wasn't like being depressed. Remember Seattle versus the Patriots, and Seattle was on the one-yard line,

and they didn't give it to the Beast? I was at Disneyland when that happened, and I couldn't. it to the beast i was at the uh i was at disneyland when that happened and i couldn't i said about your baby to come no this is way before the baby empty stroller pretending to be a dad around waiting for two years later no my dad i was working for disney i had that writing job on a disney cartoon and when you have that job you get like a silver pad you get a card where you and three of your friends can go to disneyland for free and you get half off hotels it's a great fucking deal i don't i don't want to interrupt your train of thought but i just if i don't say it now, I'll lose it because I'm pretty much Alzheimer's and Parkinson's at this point.

We need to prank call Chaley from your phone and tell him that I got thrown out of this room for smoking. Well, I have an app where we can have it from a fake number with this area. I was going to ask you about that. Just write that down somewhere, Tracy. Just go somewhere and write it down because I going to ask you about that. Just write that down somewhere, Tracy. Just go somewhere and write it down because I want to ask you about this. Right now I have the White House's number to display. No, no. You just call him as you. But I

didn't know if that really existed anymore. I remember when you used to do that and I need that. Yeah. Oh, and write down the caller ID app slash spoof card Twitter. Anyway. Oh, that's a funny thing I did to Amanda's brother, too.

I was texting him. Let's call Chaley on speakerphone. From my phone? Yeah, and say, hey, he's getting kicked out, and he's getting... Yeah. I'll just say... I'll give you a second to find a plan of attack. No, just act like we just got kicked out.

Say you're trying to go back up to 606, but they won't let you. He's going to say, why are you on speaker? Yeah, I know. Hello? Hey, man. Doug? Hello?

Doug got kicked out of the room. I'm in the hallway. Tracy's getting our stuff out of the room. Alright. I guess I'll come back up to 606. We might all be kicked out of the hotel. Let me come down and get my gear.

I know you're fucking with me. I'll be right down. I'm not fucking with you, man. Either way, I'm coming down to get the gear that didn't work yeah we should

we planned it out a little bit more maybe if it came from a fucking area code and I went there's a tug of war at the front there you're your boy small ass because if it came from a strange a little taco log at the front there. You're a small cereal now. Because if it came from a strange

New Orleans number... Yeah, let's talk about that after the show. We're done, basically. Oh, good. The Cowboys aren't done. They can win this in overtime. No, they're not. They can. This is fun. Unbelievable.

Dak Prescott. I can't believe I'm rooting for the Cowboys. I'm rooting for my $25. Yeah, we got to fucking bet big on the late game. Weird how the podcast comes to an end right when the Adderall is starting to work. Double podcast. Yeah. All we're going to hear is Chaley wine.

No, it's more smoky than ever in here. It's not that smoky. No, it is. Well, yeah, I guess. But it wasn't when he started vomiting. Hey, listen, people. The next podcast, you're going to hear so many fantastic stories from the panhandle of Florida through the shithole parts of Florida into the ugly parts. I'll be there, too. But we end up at the nicest parts parts of florida where we're doing drugs

no but i'm saying i'll be on the next podcast probably right if you guys will have yeah yeah that's right that's after that'd be uncomfortable all three of you are like oh we're just gonna go we gotta go do a thing and i'm just sitting in a room by myself. What are they doing? Have we ever done that, Tracy? Have we ever excluded the opener from a podcast? Probably. No, because The opener, no, but one of the guests of the podcast

in Vegas with Inman when everyone just got up. That's what I was going to say. Oh, look. They just got another touchdown. We're losing this Dallas bet so well right now. You know, it's hard to even root for Dallas, but when you lose money on them, too. Yeah, 34 to 10.

If you guys want to listen to it's uh not happening anymore but the bone zone podcast if you go to bonezonepodcast.com dot r.i.p and search but like if you like uh funny silly stuff if you search for the like just search bone zone podcast phone sex we do a lot of good we never get into that the frog the bowling alley roller skating rink we did the frog crank calls or a lot of people probably want to know why the bone zone is uh r.i.p randy doesn't want to do it anymore and if if one of us if i was an ambush host i would say hey listen, listen, you're drunk. You'll say anything. But unfortunately, we have that 24-hour, what do we call it?

The buyer's remorse clause. No, I have nothing to hide. I'm not throwing anyone under the bus. No, you said Randy lied. He fucked your baby. No. I said Randy didn't want to do the podcast anymore. Because he fucked your baby. So it's not fun if said Randy didn't want to do the podcast anymore. Because he fucked your baby.

It's not fun if we both don't want to do it. It's odd if your baby isn't a virgin because of your co-host. My baby has pubes. That causes conflict. Is that normal? If there's a baby doctor, is it normal for a three-month-old to have thick, wiry pubes? We can't even get the diaper. We had to buy bigger diapers to get them over the pubes.

Nose ring. Yeah. I found a nose ring in her pubes. Wasn't attached to anything. It was just a loose nose ring. You know you got to go to AA. It's always the last place you look. I found a nose ring in my pubes that's a good tweet i just found a nose ring in my pubes what the hell did i do last night

that's a good tweet and it's not even nighttime here in new orleans i call it the big. I coined that to him. Toy, blowing your horn on Boybin Street where Lou Armstrong have a turglar with some voodoo sauce. Say goodnight, Tracy. Goodnight, Tracy. That's a podcast, I guess. Hello

I waited here for you Daisy. That's a podcast. I guess. Hello. I waited here for you. Ever love. Tonight. I wanted it to be. Out of your head, out of your head, she sang. And I wonder when I sleep alone with you, anything could ever feel this real forever. Anything could ever feel this real forever Anything could ever feel this real again The only thing I'll ever ask of you

Got a promise not to stop when I say well She said Breathe out So I can breathe you in hold you in and I I wanted you

to out of your head out of your head she sang And I wonder Would I sing along with you Anything could ever feel this real forever Anything could ever be this real again The only thing I'll ever ask of you

Got a promise not to stop when I say when She said And I wonder Did I sing along with you Did I sing along with you Anything could ever feel this real forever Anything could ever feel this real again The only thing I'll ever ask of you Got a promise not to stop when I say when She said

One take, perfect. Look at that. My dad was born in Gay Guy, New Mexico.