The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #228: Ralphie May & A Movement

Episode Date: October 7, 2017

Doug remembers Ralphie May and recaps the end of the last tour. Chad also fills us in on what happened while camping.Recorded Oct 06th, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Kenny (@cstlrckken), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.Doug's second book, "This Is Not Fame", is now available for pre-order onBarnes & Noble – http://bit.ly/2y6IpPw & Amazon - http://amzn.to/2xR3ASA . (Book scheduled for release Dec. 05, 2017).This episode is sponsored byDRAFT.com – New players get a FREE entry into a draft when you make your first deposit! Use promo code DOUG and play a real money game for FREE!UPS Store Franchise – Be your own boss and open a UPS Store Franchise. Visit upsstorefranchising.com/stanhope to get started today.ProFlowers.com - To get 20% off summer roses or any other bouquet of $29 or more, go to ProFlowers.com, and use promo code “STANHOPE” at checkout.MVMT Watches - Get 15% off today —WITH FREE SHIPPING and FREE RETURNS—by going to MVMT.com/STANHOPEBrooklinen Sheets - Get $20 off AND free shipping when you use promo code “STANHOPE” at Brooklinen.com.ALL THINGS COMEDY Comedy Festival (OCT 26-29) presents The Doug Stanhope Podcast LIVE with Doug Stanhope, Chad Shank, Greg Chaille and Special Guests @ The Orpheum Theater Thu - 10/26 8:00pm in Phoenix, AZ. Tickets at https://phoenix.ticketforce.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=371Join the Doug Stanhope podcast at the Orpheum Theatre in Phoenix, AZ on October 26 for a LIVE podcastMore Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List.LINKS:Chad Shank Voice Over info at AudioShank.comSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

All right, kids. Ralphie May. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. I'd say pour some out, but we're inside. He wouldn't waste a drop. Ralphie May today, dead at 45, cardiac arrest.

And as you all know, those of you who listen to the podcast, follow the death pool ralphie may was my every year every time ralphie may was in that because before we started our own death pool just joking around sitting around with comics in la we'd go all right who's your comic death pool just bar bar talk it wasn't you know it wasn't a thing just bar bullshit and i always had ralphie may back then right to ralphie may's face i'm sure he had me too at one point when we were getting really competitive when we started really doing research i actually took him out i think it was when we first started doing trade rounds and i told him i go no i took

you out he's like man you can't take me out that's that's like a thing like i stole his glory for always being in my death pool and i so i put him right back in the next trade round uh so yeah you got a solo hit yeah today i get i get a solo pick people People bailed off the Ralphie May action. They went with all the whole newfangled, this year it's politicians. Ralphie, we just partied with him and Bird Cloud. Who else was there, Chaley? Andy.

Andy. He smoked weed the whole fucking time. Oh, that's right. Andy had a hard time keeping up smoking weed. But he did. He did. He smoked weed the whole fucking time. Oh, that's right. Andy had a hard time keeping up smoking weed. But he did. He did. He did. But it was kind of like a man versus food thing with Andy,

where he's like, for the first time in my life, I had a hard time keeping up. Yeah, I smoked with Andy a lot. It's hard to imagine. Yeah, ask Kerry Mitchell about Andy smoking. Yeah. Off topic. Yeah. Yeah, that was just about Andy smoking. Yeah. Off topic. Yeah, that was just in the last year.

We had a fucking blast at his house. They put us up. He was spinning some yarns. I know we wouldn't have talked about this on the podcast. We did. What? No, about him spinning yarns. Really?

I already busted his balls while he was alive? I was going to wait until he was dead to tell a lot of these stories, but I guess I didn't care. He got us barbecue. He's a good host. We had a day off. Oh, he was a fantastic host. Yeah, Bird Cloud opened at the show that night. Yeah, it was fun.

So, yeah, Ralphie May is dead. I wanted to tell a bunch of Ralphie May stories, but I think they're all either told in my last book, there's some in my next book when he drove me to

do gay phone sex on mushrooms. Yeah, we did talk about the water slide thing. That story, he just... He told the story, and then on the podcast you kind of... Well, Ralphie always got away with a lot of shit other comics

wouldn't get away with. Because he's the sweetest fucking guy in the world. And even when you knew he was full of shit, he would have these stories back when he first got to L.A. Oh, man, you should have been at the comedy store last night. It was like right after you left kind of stories. Yeah, all these porn stars showed up, and I was in the bathroom, and a girl came in bathroom and as a girl

came in and she just started blowing me really who was there with no no one was there all these unverifiable stories like oh ralph you're so full of shit but and that's when he met lana nobody believed he's fucking this girl because she's a cute young comic. You can't physically imagine Ralphie Mae fucking. Even after we had kids, I still doubted it. They were married. They have two children. There's something fishy.

How does Ralphie Mae, how does that work? I mean, Andy does bits about this thing physically. You've got to get your friend with a strong shoulder to come throw his strong shoulder into the meat hump. I'm working on a project. Come on over. So that's how this day started uh yeah i wasn't feeling too good physically and then and after that i felt spry when you when you called to tell me the my first thought was oh fuck did you drop him from the death pool? Because you had talked about it so many times of like, you know, every time it's trade rounds and stuff like that,

you've threatened to drop him. And I thought, oh, this was the one time when you dropped him. No, after he got really kind of hurt that I was going to drop him from my death pool, I'm like, all right, I'll keep you in there. But, yeah, he's always, when i was writing the first book he was going through all that shit with his wife and he was texting me i'm gonna stop taking my pills like what pills are you on they stopped the embolisms and i i'm not gonna be around much longer. Good thing you had me in the death pool. And so I'm like working in that bomb shelter over there at the other quiet house.

And at the same time for days, he's just going through these. I'm going to kill myself. I have nothing to live for. Hollywood hates me. And so I'm half the time using that as an excuse to not write and then but uh and then when i was going through shit with bingo he was texting me come on on the road buddy we'll take the tour bus i got massive amounts of drugs and we'll do this and that and like i'm doing fine ralphie but he i like he wanted to pay

me back for what i sat there is he wanted me to have more bullshit than i had and wouldn't believe that it's gonna work itself out no man you gotta come out here come to nashville we'll go to a predators game i get good seats it's the sweetest guy in the world yeah that was a fun time at his house and like I said he was a good host his assistant went out and got us all barbecue

it was good I mean a night off the road where you got a house with you know two or three bathrooms to choose from and not like

hey is anyone gonna go in there cause I need to take a shit yeah it was nice getting off the road and then calling up Bird Cloud and them coming over. Yeah, we had a good time.

Yeah, everyone crashed at his place. Did you ever have him up in Alaska? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's in the book too. Becker's got those stories. Oh, yeah, Becker, when he moved to L.A., when Ralphie moved to L.A., he stayed at Becker's. He took over Becker's apartment for a while.

I don't know how the exchange went. Stayed there for a while. And then Becker never came back from Alaska, but the phone was still in Becker's name. So there was like a giant phone bill that Becker got stuck with. And then Ralphie May comes up to play the club where Becker works. And yeah, when it came paycheck time, gave him like 78 bucks or something.

He goes, yeah, the rest of that was that giant phone bill you left me. Oh, oh man. Oh, Becker, I didn't, Matty Becker, I didn't realize I never paid you for that. I thought we settled up on that. No, we did now.

We did now. All good. I remember you, his name came up again because he was the reason that that coots started getting uh hotel rooms no he's though he was the exception to the rule that's what's in the book is what i'm talking about the band houses at coots where they were so run down that they wouldn't put ralphie may the only time duran was would go into his pocket deep enough to actually get a shitty hotel rather than put him in the band house because he was worried about getting sued if ralphie may went through the floorboards he wouldn't have made it to the door to the threshold because i know which one they were

they were putting them in because that was the only one they had at the time. And yeah, that landing to go inside was all rotten anyway. Yeah, that was pretty funny. And then it was something with Bill Burr because of that. Yeah, that's all in the book, which you can pre-order, and I don't push it enough. Pre-order This Is Not Fame on Amazon or wherever you get your books. Barnes & Noble. Barnes & Noble.

Oh, both of them? Yeah. You pre-order it both? Oh, yeah. Great. Barnes and Noble. Barnes and Noble. Oh, both of them? Yeah. Did you pre-order both? Oh, yeah. Great. Barnes and Noble in particular. And yes, we will eventually do an audio book, but we want to do it. There's so many people in this book.

I want to get just Dan Tosh for 10 minutes to talk about some of those old hooker stories. Dan Tosh was not complicit in any of these, but there's a few, like there's so many people I want to get on the audio book that we're going to have to go to them this time. I was wondering if you were going to do the audio book the same way, because that was pretty cool. Yeah, we're going to, and yeah, this time it's going to be

a lot, yeah. We're going to have to travel. We're going to have to do some road work. It's road stories though. People on the tour were asking me, what's the book about? Because it comes out December 5th, and like I said, you can pre-order, but then that's when they'll become available.

Road stories is basically, I haven't started reading it. You just gave me the advanced copy last night, but that's a good description of what's going on. Yeah, that's the best description. Yeah. I've been reading, like, my stories are so fucking weak. That's a good way to sell it.

I just finally got through, almost done, with Manson's book, which I'd had forever and I just found. It's one of those books, once I start a book, if I don't complete it, if I get, like, 40 pages in and then I just found it's one of those books once I start a book if I don't complete it if I get like 40 pages in and then I forget about it because I got shit to do I don't want to reread the 40 pages I read but I don't remember the 40 pages so I just fuck so finally I found that book in bingo's horde and it's so good like like really deranged fucked up stories that if i'm a rock and roll comedian comedy just stinks that's the book i you said it was it was like 15 20 years ago when it came well now they have

given it the hard sell no i mean but yeah but yes but that's the whole point for comedy i mean it's you know you know what most people's weekends are like yeah yeah no don't worry there's fun stories in my book it's just not uh i'm not biting fucking heads off of things we're dropping entrails over the audience yeah that was fucking great we're saving that for Australia it does it makes you go should I do more of this shit

like no FX book all these great books that I read while I was writing or leading up to writing this the fucking punk rock heavy metal dudes anyway so yeah leading up to writing this. The fucking punk rock, heavy metal dudes. Anyway, so yeah, pre-order the goddamn book.

Chad Shank is here. Brian Hennigan is here. Greg Chaley. We're just a week removed from the road. Chaley, you drove back. Two days back. No, two days back in Bisbee.

It took us five days. A little more than that, because fucking Tracy left her purse at a Taco Cabana in El Paso, and they didn't realize until they were in Deming, New Mexico, and had to drive five hours. A little five-hour detour to go grab that purse. I purposely didn't look at the map when we turned around because I would have just stayed another night in El Paso

or Deming or somewhere. I wouldn't have driven back. It was fucked. We got back at like 11 o'clock. How did you find, did you realize where you left it? Tracy's nodding her head. What's that?

We haven't talked about a lot of this. There was a time Hennigan brought up where we were about to go to Costa Rica and he couldn't find his passport and he had to drive from LA to Oregon. That's true. You had to drive there la to oregon that's true you had to drive there checking every place i i was i was going up to see dwight slays just before christmas on a social thing basically yeah and i was but and because i i had to travel with my passport because i had no

us id at the time i was just a tourist. So I set off just before Christmas. It was the Christmas of the tsunami, you know, the big tsunami. And Doug was staying in Playa del Rey and I got all the way up to the Oregon border and it was like snowed out. They wouldn't let you go

any further. The pass was snowed out. So there was no way into Oregon at all. So i just had to drive back and then i drove back and i come back and oh where's my passport so somewhere between final rate and not getting into oregon i had lost my passport and i had i drove all the way up from la to oregon stopping at all the places I stopped at asking if someone had found a passport and somebody had handed it in

to a post office in this bumfuck hotel town that I stayed in over one night. Weed? Was it weed? I don't remember where it was. I remember at the time because everyone was being stopped there

and this was like slightly before the internet. It was the last time before you couldn't get over the border. And the fucking proprietors of that hotel were gouging people so badly. Like, it was like a one-star

Motel 6 and it was $160 or something. And it's like, you cunts. And then Mahmood... but they mailed your passport no not them the post office did and I wrote a letter to Barack Obama or whoever the president at the time that's not a joke

I wrote a letter to the president I wrote a letter to the I thought how high up and how low down can it get so I thought I'll write to the president and say what a great person this was that found my passport. So I had no idea if I got passed all the way down the chain, but I did it.

The only time I wrote a letter to the president was... No, that doesn't... Now I'm wondering what sort of foreign understanding Brian has of our government. Because the president of the United States. Gets this to the Johnson family right away. Yeah, because the president of the United States is the head of the postal service, ultimately. I lost a wallet when I was a kid driving home from Alaska when I got out of the army.

Stopped in California to visit a friend that I had met in the army. And had to use a phone card at the phone booth at that time and had set my wallet on top of the phone booth to punch in the phone card numbers called him he told me where to meet him or he was going to meet me in the parking lot yeah that's what it was he's going to meet me in the parking lot there and then I was going to follow him back hung up the phone met him in the parking lot ended up saying hey forgot all about my wallet sitting up on top of the thing we went visited wasn't until later the afternoon we went to eat and i was like oh i'll pay oh shit and i realized right away what i did and he goes man somebody just got shot in that parking lot like last week that's not a good area you're fucked and i'm like

well take let's go back over there so i can look in the trash cans and stuff and see you know with my id and you know what's what's around if there's something left and uh the first thing i did is went inside the store that was right there and asked them they said describe it i described my wallet they turned around and handed it to me i had like two thousand dollars which is all the money I had when I got out of the army, cash in my wallet, all still in there. Wow. Yeah. I was so lucky.

That's fucking great. Yeah. I did not write a letter to the president. Yeah, see? That's going to bite you in the ass at some point. I did logically ask the lady if the person who was still there or if she knew who it was, could she please pass on. Did you ask who's the president of this gas station because that might actually get to the person if she's a regular and she knows the cashier that that's logical but well yeah why

i'm saying was logical it was chain of command you i was following chain of command yeah nobody will drop the ball before it gets down to no... No. Two and a half hours, two hours and 15 minutes after we had left and turned around to go back to the Taco Cabana. Shift change has already taken place. So anyone we're giving the 20 bucks to for, hey, thanks, you guys. We really appreciate this.

You know, the person's probably not going to get it. But same thing. All the money was in there. Everything was ship shape. So that was your excuse for not tipping. But that's. No, we tipped them. No, we tipped them.

But it's like, it's a shame because we don't know who did it. But you, I mean, you got to. It's got to be. That's the most. Like. Not disconcerting. I don't. They drove.

They were driving from south florida like almost as long a fucking drive as you can do in the states and they're that close to home deming is almost near the turnoff to get to bisbee and then you go fuck we have to drive back two and a half hours i remember my mother when we uh my grandmother uh had a cottage on martha's vineyard and we'd go there for a week every summer and my mother was coming to pick us up and she's a single mom at that time and she she went the wrong way on 495 or whatever it was and didn't realize until she hit the new hampshire border the way. And that's just fucking small potatoes. But in New England, and she was in Haverhill, New Hampshire,

I remember when she realized she went the wrong way and just burst into tears. So we're waiting for mom to pick us up, and she missed the last ferry. She was just wiped. And that's just like an hour and a half the wrong way. But you guys, after a fucking five-day trip. Well, what happened was we ended up back in El Paso. I'm like, oh, you know, it was early when we left.

Because we had breakfast tacos at Taco Cabana. I recommend. Pretty good. Now we're in El Pas we're at that taco taco cabana every time we hit texas driving fucking east and we the first time i see a taco cabana the entire texas trip is taco cabana that that and i'm making up song parodies for the entire fucking thing it never has ended that's for the 20 years I've been playing Texas. Yeah.

But being back in El Paso, I go, well, it's not quite rush hour. Let's hit the Spirit Halloween store. Because they got a different inventory than they do in Sierra Vista here. So I checked out the pop-up Halloween stores. Did we ever talk about that on a podcast? Johnny Dare. Who? Johnny Dare, the morning guy in Kansas City.

Oh, no, I don't think we did. Johnny Dare, we go, he's a friend of mine. What city was that? I was just talking about Kansas City. Kansas City, that's right. And he's like, every time I have to do call-ins for a book, I don't do morning radio at all anymore. I'm not in the town.

Call-ins suck, but I always do Johnny Dare because he's been around forever. He's a cool guy. 15, 20 years the guy's done the morning show in that market. Oh, yeah, at least. That's what I've read up on him. Where is this at? Kansas City.

It was right before we met up with you in Denver. We had an off day, too. So we got in there late that night. I'd driven 600-some miles that day. We blew through on an off day. And then that night, we knew what we were going to do. Doug was on the fence about it. He goes, now, me and Andy will get up in the morning.

Shayla, you don't have to get up. Because they had to get up at like 6 in the morning to drive over. I said, I'm going to try to come in to studio. It's like a 30-minute drive. We're out by the fucking airport. And I go, I can't guarantee you. It's been a long day. I'll do a phoner if nothing else.

But I woke up because we went to bed early. We got shit-faced happy hour and went to bed. I was up at 6. Even earlier. I was up at 5. We drove in, found the place.. I was up at 6. Even earlier. I was up at 5. We drove in. Found the place. My eye was all fucked up. I could barely read street signs.

Andy's having to read the exit signs. What's the GPS say? My contacts are still gummed together. So together in the dark. I don't know why I thought for some reason because of your issue with getting nervous driving lately, I thought Andy will drive.

And now I'm thinking to myself, what a fucking idiot I am. Of course Andy's not going to drive. Until you just said that, I just assumed Andy took over the driving. Of course not. There's no way Andy would drive. Well, now I feel bad for not getting up. No, no. You did your due diligence driving that 600 miles.

But it was really weird because he's showing me pictures of his house, which is like an amped up version of this place, all fun house style-y. Like on the break when you guys are chit-chatting in between songs and stuff? Yeah. So off air. During a break. Off air air and he's showing me pictures of his house and all he's got all this weird shit and i he brought up or i brought up that you know the haunted house stuff and he goes oh i go to this uh haunted house thing the convention i go to st louis in march they go yeah uh jaylee my manager, him and his twin brother,

they do that because they have Ghost Ride Productions. And he goes, Ghost Ride, they're the best. And then he starts showing me pictures of shit he's bought from you at that convention. Full stand-up character, the Moss Man. That's when I thought you should have got up and been there because you guys would have taken over the whole morning show. He had some great stuff.

And I talked to my brother about that too because it's really cool when people talk about it organically like that. And my brother was like, who is that guy? Who is he? Where is he? Because we want to make sure he comes by the booth next year at the show and everything. So it's Johnny Dare in Kansas City. I can't let him know where it's at. So, yeah, it was very cool.

Yeah, it was a good morning. He has a bunch of stuff. Not just Ghost Ride. I mean, that place looked like an oddities museum or like a roadside attraction place. Yeah. Be a fun place to hang out. Yeah, yeah. Swap notes.

All right. Before we go any further, I got the most beautiful email. I'm going to have Chad read it. Do you want to take a break and then do that? Yeah, we can take a break. Let's take a break because I got

so many commercials. All right, good. Let's take a break and do a commercial. You want to tease it? When we come back. No, I'm not going to tease it. You already did. Yeah, if you ever saw Being There, that's not even a good comparison. We'll get to it. Please hold.

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This would be an easy time for me to say hey send flowers to ralphie may's bloated dead corpse but why don't send flowers to dead people it's castle rock kenny's 40th birthday and nobody even remembered we're sitting here pouring over r over Ralphie May's untimely death. And when I say untimely, I mean I've had him in my death pool for at least eight years. Send flowers to someone who's alive, who doesn't expect it, like Kenny. You send them to 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, in care of Kenny, and I'll get him to Kenny. He won't give you his real address because he lives in a really shitty neighborhood

with shitty neighbors and tweakers and fucking illegitimate children and all these problems he has. He would love a bouquet of flowers that he would re-gift immediately he'll tear the kenny tag off and give it to his girlfriend and go yeah i worked really hard this week so i could buy flowers honey please don't throw me out of the house it's a dangerous neighborhood send flowers to kenny or anyone who doesn't expect it, who's alive, who deserves it, don't send flowers for a wedding. A wedding has a fucking billion flowers to get tossed aside

because they're all worried about the blenders and the fucking Vitamix. Yes, send flowers to a lonely asshole. Our fans. Follow my Twitter feed and see the guy he has six followers he only signed up and go hey can i be your friend what's your real address i'm not gonna kill you and then send up flowers say that was a very funny tweet guy with six followers send flowers to someone who doesn't expect it on a day that doesn't matter and just make someone's day the worst person at work maybe he's a dick because no one ever fucked him and send him flowers and watch him not be a dick for a day sign it with the boss's name send your co-worker flowers from your boss the worst employee there and just watch

them over the cubicle wall watch how they react and gesticulate send pro flowers give them the details chaley and i want to hear your stories about actually doing this yeah you bring up a good point doug it being fallen all i mean that sounds more like an april campaign there's probably a paper trail involved with it being fallen all sending the best-selling cinnamon cider roses to someone who can't smell that would that would ralphie may it would be a waste. But for Castle Rock Kenny, his girlfriend would love Frodo Flowers. Oh, I thought you were saying to send them to someone

who can't smell. No, I said, yeah, that's what I was laughing. And then film the reaction video like they do with those people who put on the glasses where they can see all of a sudden or something. My point was earlier on, before we bleeped all that, that Ralphie May, I mean, he can't smell the cinnamon

cider roses. Nor can he eat them. They probably smell delicious. Oh, Ralphie up in heaven, grazing like a bull, eating all the heads off the tulips. Do they have tulips? What do they have, Chaley? Actually, right now you can go with classics like 100 Autumn Blooms the heads off the tulips all the all the cinnamons do they have tulips what do they have

actually right now you can go with classics like 100 autumn blooms or a dozen autumn roses and it doesn't matter uh what you order because you're going to get 20 off any of pro flowers unique bouquets of 29 or more just by being a listener to the d Stano podcast. Is that the beat? No, usually now you say something. Oh, this is where I say something snarky? Like, yeah, send flowers to... See, I was going to go real dark there. Pro flowers, bouquets are guaranteed to stay fresh

for at least seven days or your money back. And you control the delivery date. It's good to have control. I don't know yeah send flowers to people that you hate you went so long in that first tirade i know i got everything out you just have to hit the beats there i highlighted them in pink for you i printed them off oh okay pro flowers gives you more bloom for your buck, big beautiful flowers, more stems for your money, and long-lasting freshness. To get 20% off all bouquets of $29 or more, go to ProFlowers.com and use my code Stanhope at checkout.

That's ProFlowers.com, code Stanhope. It's a secret code. Don't share it with your friends. the All Things Comedy Comedy Festival. It's podcasts. It's Kreischer. It's Burr. It's everybody on

the All Things Comedy Network. And we're going to kick it off Thursday night, October 26th. The Doug Stano Podcast with Brian Hennigan, with Chad Shank, with Greg Chaley. Tracy will be there.

Bingo will be there. Becker's going to be there. Fuck, it's going to be crazy. Bingo will be there. Becker's going to be there. Fuck, it's going to be crazy. It starts the 26th. That's our only hard show. That's our show at the Orpheum Theater. Tickets are available at allthingscomedy.com. Burt Kreischer's doing a Colin Sick to Work show on the 27th.

We'll be drunk on the 27th there. Bill Burr's doing the Monday Morning Podcast on the 28th. Jimmy Pardo's doing the Never Not Funny Podcast on the 29th. Bill Burr's doing the Monday Morning Podcast on the 28th. Jimmy Pardo's doing the Never Not Funny Podcast on the 29th. Plus, there's at least four or five other shows. Tracer's doing the show 1pm the day after Doug's.

He'll be sober. We'll be waking up about that. No, no, this is Bert's big test. This is Bert's big test. This is Burt's big test. Oh, he didn't give himself out from the sober October for that? No, you tried to... Oh, I'll be his designated drinker.

I won't say a word. I'm not going to bum rush. I'd sit in the audience and heckle if he didn't let me on, but I'll just sit there silently and be his designated drinker. This is not just a festival we're hanging for this we're gonna be there for the whole goddamn thing and our special guest i'll reveal it now what yeah yeah why not i want people to catch up if they don't know jamie kilstein who disappeared off the face of the planet.

Jamie Kilstein and I go back to when he started. I have great stories. And then he had this arc where he got, if you want to catch up, listen to Jamie Kilstein on Joe Rogan. He was trying to call some guy out, and he was getting into mixed martial arts, and then Rogan kind of called him out. guy out and he was getting into mixed martial arts and then rogan kind of called him out i remember us sitting in the van on the road maybe spartanburg south carolina one of those weird fucking places and it was so compelling and rogan's podcast lasts forever and we sat and listened didn't even check in pulled up in front of some fucking super eight and sat there in the fucking breezeway and listened, didn't even check in, pulled up in front of some fucking Super 8

and sat there in the fucking breezeway and listened till the end. And then it goes on to, he's a social justice warrior and then he gets busted for some infidelities and it's kind of like one of those televangelists, Jerry Falwell kind of situations and it got weird and it was rape culture that's what the buzz was going that yeah that was the

rogan thing yeah i was trying to remember there was a there was a huge kerfuffle with all that but yeah then he just disappeared and i had i texted him a couple times. I texted him during the Rogan thing, and I texted him when everyone was coming down on his head. Because I feel bad for anyone who's in one of those situations where you're like, and they don't know how. This is going to be fucking fun. I've talked to him a few times, and's oh it's gonna be fucking fun he seriously has disappeared on purpose he just yeah completely underground and yeah he's he's he's coming back and he's got a fucking story it's gonna be good this is the get that i was teasing when i had kreischer in denver or kreischer had me however you look at it so

fucking don't take the day off of work for kreischer take the week off of work for the entire all things comedy festival because yeah we're gonna i don't know about anyone else i don't know who's staying how long who gets gets in when. We're going to be running roughshod all over this motherfucker. Bingo's going to be there. Tracy and Chaley. Fucking Jenny's going to. Chad, you're bringing Jenny up. Yeah.

And fucking Becker. What a wild, perfect wild card. John's coming down from Alaska, too. So we're going to do some recording of the Near the Wild podcast as well. Oh, good. Because we're bringing all the equipment. I mean, we might be doing the live podcast on the 26th at the Orpheum Theater in Phoenix, but we're bringing all the gear to podcast all fucking week long on our own dime in our own location.

Oh, shit. And there's comedy shows. Who knows what we get roped into? It's going to be absolute, utter chaos. I might lose some friends. That's October 26th through the 29th, the All Things Comedy Comedy Festival at the Orpheum

Theater in Phoenix. Go to allthingscomedy.com for tickets. Spread the word, kids. Alright, let's get back to this. Do you want to bullet point that? I'll say it again. It's fine. I started over. Let's get back to this. Do you want to bullet point that? I'll say it again. It's fine. I started over.

All right. Let's get back to this. Hennigan's wandered off to take pictures of the moon. Fuck him. All right. This is an email that just registered with me for its complete simplicity. Sincerity. Sincerity.

Go ahead, Chad, with the golden pipes of audioshank.com. Please read, what's his name? David Yeary. David Yeary. Subject, peace movement. Came up with the idea for peace movement while listening to one of your podcasts. I'm a nobody, 40-year-old loser from Redneck, Indiana. It seems to me that big movements are the way to go these days.

The problem is all of these big movements are causing more problems than they're solving. So I have decided to start a peace movement. so I have decided to start a peace movement. You are my favorite celebrity, and figured if I could get you in on, or get you to start the peace movement by posting about it, it could take off like wildfire. In my mind, there is no reason that a peace movement couldn't go a long way in this day and age.

I am sick to death of all the divisive shit going on in the world. Who better to spread the word of getting along than celebrities? Maybe I'm wrong to reach out to you first, but you seem to be the most accessible and the most level-headed and the most... Sorry, that made me choke. And the most level-headed of all public figures. The thing is, Doug and company, you have heart and care about people.

As much as you rail against the status quo, I'd bet my life that just about... I'd bet my life that you just want everybody to enjoy what time we have on this planet. I have no illusions that peace movement will solve all or any problems. But hey, it's a fucking start. Love you and Bingo and the crew. Peace movement. Pass it on. Pass it on, David Urie.

You know what? In the wake of all these tumultuous times, what happened in Las Vegas to Ralphie May, we really should take a look at what you're saying. He says all in this day and age, big movements seem to be the thing. Big movements like peace. Why not? Why not start a peace movement? So simple.

Peace. Peace. why not why not start a peace movement it's so simple peace it's peace and uh but it's gonna be a big movement where we're gonna we're gonna have marches peace marches oh wait see he started a dialogue where like if a lot of us went out and, well, I guess you can't just be peaceful, but maybe we talk to other people about peace. Well, you got to know who to talk to, because some people will just punch you in the face. I mean, you have to talk to them. That's who you have to talk to, people who aren't peaceful. Maybe to avoid getting punched

in the face, you could get like a placard and a giant sharpie and write your message so they could see it in traffic. You could come up with like a symbol. A peace symbol that people could

wave around and show that they're peaceful. Right. We're going to need some kind of graphic designer. Some kind of icon. Yeah, yeah. Something catchy. Someone who's- Immediately look at.

Says peace. Yeah. And that way people would know you're peaceful. Part of the peace movement. And again, celebrity driven. David Urie, I'm going to give you full credit for this, but I think I'm not the celebrity to drive this. I think the memory of Ralphie May, Vegas strong.

I'd go heart strong, but his heart was what killed him. Someone did actually tweet that at me. My heart goes out to you. And I wanted to go, probably bad phrasing. So, yeah, I'm going to get behind David Urie's simple yet brilliant idea of a peace movement. I think it starts now. I think I start laying off the rhetoric I won't make any more jokes about

Las Vegas I've been completely peaceful since reading this I feel like I've started the movement that's why I wanted you to read that first before you tell us your story about being holed up in the woods with loaded weapons Chad had a bad day being holed up in the woods with loaded weapons.

Chad had a bad day. I've had some bad days. Yeah, no. We were on the road. I don't know where to start. We don't keep in touch when we're on the road. So we were on the road basically two full months.

Well, you come over. I'm home. If I'm home for a week, you're here for a night. That's more than I've seen any. I like it. But I'm saying you're one of the people I see the most. I don't even see the fucking Chaley's. They're doing fucking making gardens.

Stay away from them so i was having some uh bad days and uh jenny started talking about maybe going to the hospital and and uh checking in for a little while because it was worse than she'd seen it for a while so and i really didn't want to fucking do that. So you have probably a father knows best kind of home life where you have the grandkids over and you milk the goats and you feed the waterfowl or whatever. But your conversations at dinner are different. Honey, maybe you should check into a facility before you kill a lot of people. Well, I don't know, Blanche.

I'm just telling her I've got it. Well, I know you usually have it, but I don't know. This seems different in some way, and maybe you should go. I don't want to get on medication is one of the big things. I don't want to. I'm deathly afraid. So I thought you were. I thought, have you been off and on medications? Oh, yeah.

I've taken just about every medication, but I haven't been on them for a bit. I fixed it with solitude and weed, and then I don't need medication because I don't have any problems. That's whenever there was music playing earlier and I got all aggravated, and that's when I realized, yeah, I live at the end of a dead-end dirt road, and I don't really deal with anybody. But despite that, I was fucking homicidal, and I was having bad times. Let me just stop you.

That is kind of the premise of almost every 70s, the Hills Have Eyes kind of horror movies, where someone breaks down out in the desert and it's the last house on the left and they get a knock and ask to use a phone and it's Chad Shank with a hatchet. Go ahead. That just ran through

my head. It's run through my head a bunch of times too. So it's run through my head a bunch of times too so my cousin that I don't talk to my cousin Ryan he listens to the podcast hey Ryan he texted me and asked me how I was doing randomly and I was like I think I'm getting ready to go check in

he was like man fuck that which was all I needed to hear but instead of just saying fuck that don't do that he goes fuck that he goes just take off and go camping or something just go out in the woods by yourself and i was like bingo right on i'll do that that sounds like a perfect idea great idea so i just packed up shit my ranger and i went up the hill from uh where i live and and not too far. But it's real nice. It's like 7,400 feet up there, surrounded by pine trees.

It's real quiet, other than the first night when I got up there, there was a group of people came up partying. Did the black guy die first? Or a guy in a red shirt? They came up with real loud bass music and I was all fucking angry white guy at first like oh fuck I'm gonna have to listen to this shit sorry I'm just now I'm rapid cycling you should they should make the horror movie the hills have eyes from the hills have eyes point of view like who are these fucking people we live out here in a nuclear i have escaped you on purpose so i don't hurt you this is your fair game as far as i'm concerned

dude hey don't get ahead of my story would you but the first night i was i was like not just fucking this is what you've come here to do is learn how to fucking deal with things this is something you don't normally deal with. Deal with this. And then they ended up playing a big fucking wide variety of good music, and it was a night that was fun. I enjoyed listening to their music and fucking staying over there by myself in the dark like a weirdo.

That was a giant fucking tent, by the way. It's a tent that I've had since I had all the kids. So that used to house me, Jenny, and four kids, and however many kids they brought camping with us. You tweeted the picture. I thought it was your own doomsday prepper tent that had bulletproof. That's a 16 by 14 tent called the Vacation Home. It's badass.

We've had it forever. It didn't seem like overkill when we had a huge amount of people, but now it's the only tent that I have, and when I go by myself, it's ridiculous. It's got a basement with MREs and a lot of rounds. You were on a platform, too. Didn't they have a deck or something?

It's a National Forest Campground. Yeah. That's a better way to run those tents because there's so much room in there that you can set things out and have a nice level surface. It's pretty cool. Well, and that's one of the reasons why I have,

you have to keep your shit all locked up tight because there's bears all over up there, which is why I had a weapon because I had to tell Jenny I have to take a weapon because there's signs all over the place saying there's bears. Also, as you're driving up, there's signs all over saying that saying there's bears also as you're driving up there's signs all over saying that they're smuggling activity so there's bears and mexicans all over these mountains you have to take guns oh if you see a really high bear he just ate a smuggling mexican yeah he ate a bale

i would way rather meet a smuggling mexican because i would trade my two packets of jerky that i brought and get some of his weed. And you don't want to meet a bear with the munchies. Or jerky. So the second item up there, that explains why I have a pistol in my pocket. So I have a.40 caliber pistol in my pocket in case I have to walk around and it's pitch dark up there and then now there's nobody up there the campground is completely empty the dj left it's yeah they left middle of the night the night before after the party was done so it's been

completely quiet i love it up there it's like i said 7 000 feet pine trees beautiful up there 30 minutes drive still summer so it was chilly at night but it was fun and uh so i'm sitting i have a fire but my fire's already burned down to uh just a real low glow embers and i'm sitting in a lawn chair far enough back from the fire that i'm basically just sitting in the pitch dark and uh i took my my little golf golf cart ranger up there. So I've got it pulled way up next to the tent because I had to run a cord to blow up my air mattress. Sure.

So the point is my – sorry, I'm telling a shitty story. The point is the reason why I'm telling that is because my parking spot, where the parking spot goes for the campground is completely empty because my ranger is parked all the way up by my tent. And you're sitting out of the light of the fire. And I'm sitting out of the light of the fire, in the fucking dark, with a pistol in my pocket. All of a sudden, a car pulls right up and stops in front of my tent. Now, mind you, I have left my house and went to the most secluded place that I can because I'm homicidal.

And now somebody pulls up and stops, and I'm just thinking, just hurry up and go. Whatever you're stopping there for, go. And their car dies. As soon as they stop, the car dies. Guy gets out of the car, opens the hood, and I can tell there's something wrong. He probably loose battery connection.

Every time he does something, all the lights come back on in the car, and then it clicks back off. And I'm like like oh fuck i don't want to talk the main thing i'm thinking is like i don't i just want these guys to figure out what's wrong with it because i can help them get out of here and i will because i want them to get out of here but i just want them to get out of here without me having to deal with them so i'm just sitting there in the dark hoping that they'll go then uh he's yelling at somebody else in the car to try to start it. They can't get it started. And then a woman gets out of the car on the phone and starts fucking yelling.

Probably not, but it's the middle of the woods. We just chased some motherfucker up here. I think we might have ran him off the fucking road because we're all the way at the top and he's not over here we're gonna fucking kick this motherfucker's ass she's like uh they're like cholos i don't know how to do a good cholo voice i'm not that far in my audio book training and if i would have did it more it would have been racist but they uh so i'm like oh shit i don't just please move on i don don't, don't, don't sit. And they still can't get their fucking car started.

They still can't get their car started. And then I hear the female tell one of the guys, hey, check that out. And the guy shines his flashlight into my parking space and goes, hey, there's not even anybody here. And I'm sitting in the fucking dark over in the thing going, Oh, just go away. Just fucking leave. Just please get your car started. Get your car started and go.

And meanwhile, this guy has his flashlight on, and he's walking towards my tent. And I'm waiting. What I'm doing is waiting until he gets close enough. I can see your hand is already on your gun. I have my gun out of my pocket already, and it's on the slide. And I'm just waiting for him to get close enough for maximum effect whenever I rack the fucking slide.

Because it's going to be louder than that bitch's voice in the fucking stillness. And before I could get it, he fucking flashlighted my Ranger and fucking turned around immediately and went back to the car and they got it started a second later and they took off. I never got to do anything at all. There was a sense of urgency all of a sudden.

They jumped it off pure adrenaline. Just roll it backwards. You're on a hill. Jesus. Red on the right testicle, black on the left. Ground it. They probably just put it into neutral, gave it a push and made engine noises.

Flintstones. I had to step out there because the fucking smoke was like... My eyes were watering. It's incredible. I know. Well, we have we have Joby and Jonathan here of... what's your Twitter? Borderland Bread.

Joby and Jonathan, who has been on the podcast, they've branched from bread into pizza now at the Farmer's Market. If you're in Bisbee, stop by the Farmer's Market on Saturday at Vista Park. And this is the fucking best pizza in bisbee it is fucking amazing fucking amazing it's good bread too oh it's like you don't often with a pizza you eat the crust or the bread with a sense of fucking i have to uh but this fucking crust and pizza and everything is amazing i've been trying i had a piece and i've been trying to stay away because it's so good that i know i'll just keep fucking eating shit out of it.

I've eaten three pieces, which is more than I eat in a day of food, because food, it's not my, but you know what? Ralphie May, we have to celebrate him. We can't do that just by getting hammered and doing Adderall. We have to eat as much pizza as possible. There's a lot of pizza over there. All right. At Borderland Bread.

Follow them even if you're never coming to Bisbee because it's going to make them look cool as shit if they have fucking 10,000 followers. And Joby also runs the Celebrity Death Pool where I'm now in second place because I did have a solo pick on Ralphie May. Wait, I got bumped? Yeah, I bumped you with Ralphie May. Wait, I got bumped? Yeah, I bumped you with

Ralphie May. I'm sorry. You're not carrying right now, are you? Who's first? Is it the same person? Jack and Dino is fucking first. By quite a bit. I called him at his school and he answered with kids screaming in the background. He's a teacher.

And I go, yeah. Climbing up on you now. He hadn't heard. Damn. Dang! Alright. Let's just... I don't even want to break. Let's go into another commercial.

MVMT or Brooklinen? MVMT! I'm going to tell you the truth on this one, Chaley. You can read the bullet points, but I'm going to tell you the truth on this one, Chaley. You can read the bullet points, but I'm going to tell you the truth. You said something about MVMT where I thought you said that we were no longer doing commercials for them. Like they dumped us. I don't know how your business works.

I don't want to know. And I was going to do a free commercial in separation. Hey, I still fucking love MVMT. My old Timex still hangs there under a very racist symbol, like an old Aunt Jemima thing on the wall. And I put the MVMT on, and I have not gone back to my old, I wore this for 20 years, Timex Indiglo, because this is a badass watch. And I was going to do a free commercial, which I shouldn't say, because they'll dump us every week. No.

What I was telling you was, I was explaining that I had bought a watch right before we went on tour. I don't know. I hear things, and I think they're right i don't remember so i was wrong what i'm saying is when i got back from the tour it was sitting here and i realized i bought the wrong watch i was down to two and we were leaving and i just fucking ordered the one i thought and i called him up today i i didn't even call him i just texted through some like a customer service portal and a guy immediately emailed me and said, what's wrong?

Here's the process. He sent me a label. I just slapped the label on there. They're going to replace it. I'm going to do the exchange, and that was it. It took me two minutes to do it, and they're paying for shipping both ways. So I'll have my new watch probably in a week.

Tracy, not just the purse. She lost her MVMT watch on the road and just like that you got some fucking days in quality and stupid in mid-range we let brian hedding and book it in they they mailed it back but you know what it's worth it yes you take i like the mvmt watch and people on the road have noticed that I'm wearing the fucking thing. Oh, really? Yeah. They go, oh, you're not full of shit.

Fucking saw the watch. Simple, not gaudy. There's nothing that's more embarrassing than someone wearing a fucking Rolex. The gaudy. It's not a piece of jewelry. I use it to know how much time I've been on stage. The beauty is movement watches start at just $95. And at department stores, you're looking at $400 to $500.

I mean, that's the range. Yeah, they're cool. They tell the time. And it doesn't make you look like an asshole, like you're fucking wearing bling. No, but I would say it does look sharp. Because Jenny picked mine out and whenever you wear it it's a sharp looking watch is what

I would describe. Clean design is what they write here and I know that's exactly what Doug was talking about. You see me at the merch booth, you show me your fucking movement, I'll show you my movement. We'll fucking bump fists. It'll be a gang sign. Get 15% off today

with free shipping and free returns by going to MVMT.com slash Stanhope. Movement. You'll know when I fist you. That's not the one. I thought that was the catchphrase. Movement. Where's my watch?

Now is the time to step up your watch game. Go to movementwatches.com slash Stanhope and join the movement. Join the movement. It's kind of like the peace movement. But with watches. What time does the peace movement start? Oh, I'll look at my movement watch and the peace movement. I tell you, this

peace movement, it's catching on. Brooklyn, we got those sheets right before we left, and they're the ones where you're at. Didn't you put them on? Oh, yeah. I stole one of the pillowcases, by the way. You stole one of my Brooklyn pillowcases? Well, I didn't steal it. I wanted to try it.

How many did they give us? I think you get four. So I can only have three people sleep with me? Brooklinen. Good sheets. Good sleep. It's the most important thing in the world. I remember I came up a young, broke comedian.

I slept in cars. I slept on couches. I slept with women of a certain size. And I realized that sleep is, yeah, the most important thing. The most important drug in the world, dreams. The most important drug in the world, dreams. Therefore, the most important thing in the world is your bed and the sheets that you put on it. I've talked about this. We live in a place where your best sheets you can get are at Target. And that's, what, an hour and 15-minute round trip to get to a Target.

And their best sheets are shitty. Might be colorful, but they're shitty. Only thing I love about the road is staying, like Holiday Inn Express, I'm not going to fucking bifurcate the plugs, they're all about sleep. They have the best pillows, they have the best shit. Fuck you, Holiday Inn Express.

You also fucked me over on a smoking charge. So I'm all over the map. Brooklyn and Sheets, it's like sleeping in the silky what do fucking caterpillars live in? Cocoon. Cocoon. Cocoon. What's

that called? That's a fucking funnel web of a wolf spider because we haven't cleaned this house in a long time. It's like a fucking funnel web of a wolf spider, because we haven't cleaned this house in a long time. It's like sleeping on the inside of a ball sack. The beauty is Brooklinen cuts out unnecessary markups and manufacturing

waste in order to offer exquisite designs and exceptional savings across their entire collection, Doug. When you check into a decent hotel and you slip into a bed that's freshly made and you go, ooh, I want to stay in this bed for the full 20 hours I'm allowed to be here. I just want to, and that's what Brooklyn is like. I actually make my bed because of these fucking sheets.

That's actually what their initial goal was, was to try and find some kind of a consumer bedding product that was similar to what you get when you go to a fine hotel. And that's what the husband and wife team that came up with Brooklinen, that's what they did. I'm sold on these Brooklinen sheets. I've said before, sleep is the most underrated form of suicide prevention

i use sleep a lot to avoid my own self and uh these sound fucking great i'll try and you don't have to drive the sierra vista they'll just deliver them to your house cut out the middle man and they're worth it and again i have had sponsors of other sheets contact us, and we go send them out, and we sent them back. I go, I'm not promoting that. That is true. I remember that. Targeted sheets.

Yeah, fuck that. Hey, Brooklyn, it is so confident that you're going to love your new sheets that they offer a risk-free 60-night satisfaction guarantee and a lifetime warranty, lifetime warranty, on all of their sheets and comforters. There's no reason not to give these sheets a try. And they have that thing where, you know, when they go into hotels with black lights to find jizz stains, these absorb jizz stains so they don't show up under black light.

I don't think. I'm guessing. And they have charcoal filters so your farts don't smell exactly see these aren't these aren't any kind of

hey you know what we did our own research I'm looking on this I'm not we might have got prototypes hey Doug

which corner did you jizz on I don't know which way to point the woods light. When I pull my watch out of your ass, the blood and feces spills on the sheets. No one will see it.

Sooner or later, they're just going to tell us to read these exactly as it's written. Good, good. You know what? Hey, get 20% off and free shipping when you use promo code stanhope at brooklinen.com and if you uh just tell me at the merch booth that you have brooklinen sheets i'll come home and i'll make love to you on those sheets but don't try to fucking trick me with some bullshit target sheets. The only way to get $20 off and free shipping is to use promo code Stanhope at Brooklinen. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.

Brooklinen. Who doesn't know how to spell Brooklinen? Dot com. Promo code Stanhope. $20 off and free shipping at Brooklinen.com. Promo code Stanhope. Brooklinen. These are the best sheets ever. Fantasy

football. I did a long closing bit about fantasy football, but that was about on the field ass rape. Kenny, tell us about how you're the fantasy football guy. You lose money to everybody in Bisbee, poker, fantasy football. Well, right now.

Frog racing. Last fall. I told you not to talk about that. Anyways, my fantasy leagues that I run, most of them I do lose. I ain't going to lie because it's just – You lose at everything. Let's cut to the draft.com. Yeah, tell them how I beat you last week.

You know what? You did. And I beat you and him. That was the – Huh? We've been on the road. So we did get into a three-way head-to-head. I haven't figured the whole shit out yet.

We'll figure it out. Don't worry. As this season progresses of this football season, we're only at week four or five. Yeah, we got into a three-way, and I wish it was the three-way you're thinking of. That sounds hot. Fucking Kenny and that lady ass and Greg Chaley being all confused. Oh, my God. I know your guys' showering habits on the road.

Oh, my God. Just the smell in the room alone. I know. It would be like a football locker room, like an NFL room. And that's how I bet when I kicked the shit out of you and Chaley. Okay, you did get us on the first week. You scored 70.02 points. I came in a far second at 65.10, and Chaley was way back there.

Oh, I thought you were like 40%. No, that was Chaley was 41.46. He's got it in his hand. I'm getting better. On his app. What's the app, Chaley? Go to your app store and just search draft, and you're going to get draft. Lee? Go to your app store and just search draft.

And you're going to get draft.com. Or on your computer at PlayDraft. PlayDraft or draft.com. People are inviting me into three ways. The only way to do the head-to-head is you have to get it on your phone. You can't do it from the computer, from on your computer. That week I lost all three bets that I placed. That was me losing. But that was the first week then then week four we bet i did i got in three drafts

the first one i got in was a three player six dollar and i won that one but with 99.48 points and then i lost we don't need all the fucking stats, man. Hey, hey, look. When you want fantasy, you got to give some numbers down. So you got to, you know, somebody could. That's the thing about this is it's so fast. I've already joined two drafts with your drivel. You're just reading the fucking thing in your hand. It is so quick. You get into it. You bang, bang, boom, done.

And you do a new one every week or every hour or every 10 minutes. You just get on and do it. And you can do it as low as a dollar. When we were on the road, I just kept getting into it because I still have the beginner. When you're a beginner at fantasy football, like Chad would be. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what I want to know is where do I go? I want to get in a four-way with you guys.

Where do I go to try to do that? Well, depending on it, you just go to your app store and look, just search draft and it'll come up and we'll do it when we get done with the commercial. I'll show you.

And it's real simple and the small drafts, it's a dollar. It's a dollar or something to start. And for like the first 20 drafts, you can be a beginner and they...

You can only play other beginners. Yeah. Right. And then you... It's all fucking... It's like the horse track. Come on. It's great.

For fuck's sake. Everyone thinks they're a professional, and the guys who sit with the spreadsheets, and he's a natural mutter I steal from Andy Andrus. You don't have to worry about injuries or any of that stuff. You're basically, I do a lot of auto picks, to be honest. Yeah. I don't want to sit around and wait for other people to join. So as soon as the third person joins in,, I do a lot of auto-picks, to be honest. I don't want to sit around and wait for other people to join. So as soon as the third person joins in,

because I do a lot of three-way things, three-way theme here, it just starts picking for me. So in place of me having to sit there hovering over my phone, all of a sudden, bam, I'm getting the top guy every time. You can cue your players how you want. And the top guy doesn't matter. It's like the favorite at a horse track. So you go, oh.

But it's something to do while I'm taking a shit or otherwise trying to occupy my head. And another reason to watch football where you go, I don't really even like this game anymore. But I need that guy to score a lot of touchdowns. Now you're betting on Brady. I noticed I was watching the football thing the other day and they had the announcer saying, if this person scores this amount of points, I get

fucking, I win my fucking pool. They were involved in the pools themselves. The best thing is, Kenny's been doing that for years over here. He's like, oh, you're really rooting for the fucking browns he goes no but that guy i have on my fantasy football so it brings gambling to a different level draft start at just one dollar so there's a draft for everyone you can get in there

one dollar level you uh i started doing i started winning a little bit so i started doing the three dollar and the five dollar and uh you can go all the way up. They've got some crazy ones. That whole indie story that I'm doing in my set now about last year, about betting on shit just to make boring things better. Yeah. Ladies, I just billboard it. Fucking get on draft.com and start betting fantasy and make your boyfriend look like an asshole and just go oh oh i have him on my fantasy team you play fantasy football

really yeah no i have ezekiel elliott and he just scored a touchdown. Well, how do you know what fantasy football is? Well, you don't have to know, gals. You don't have to know. You can let it auto-pick. And then you just memorize the names and just shout it out. Go, oh, shit. God damn it. If he'd scored, I'd have won my fantasy.

Oh, wait. Replay, he did score. I did win my fantasy. Who are you playing against? Some guy named fucking Charleston Trucker 23. Who's Charleston Trucker? None of your business. Yeah, cause some havoc for a buck.

For a limited time only, all new players get a free entry into a draft when you make your first deposit. But you have to use my promo code, Doug. That's right. Play a real money game for free just using my promo code, Doug, on your first deposit on draft. Just search draft in the app store or go to play draft.com on your computer and come play free with promo code Doug.

I think you should spell Doug. No, I was thinking the same thing. You're going to get D U G Doug. All I was thinking is you thing. You're going to get D-U-G. Doug. All I was thinking is you do it ironically. It's funnier that he said that. Alright. Use my promo code Doug.

D-O-U-G. Doug. I think that's right. Let's talk about it. We smoked Hennigan out of here. He's back in. We cleared the air. Yeah.

Speaking of clearing the air. Whoa. Seamless. That last tour with Brendan walsh went somewhat seamlessly because brendan walsh is not like andy andrews where you're constantly worried where you have babysitter mode and the back part of your hypothalamus like oh what's he fucking up now the gl glint of light in someone's ice in their drink. No problems. He would think there's all of a sudden he's been lighted

to get off the fucking stage. Yeah, you never know. Oh, Andy. You're talking about Andy, yeah. Yeah, and also, you're never quite sure, because you could actually say, is everything okay, and ask him, and go through a specific checklist

and everything's fine, but you're still not confident everything's fine. Yeah, he's still standing there going, I've got to be here the whole time. This is odd. I get lazy. I let Hennigan do too many things, which he should be doing.

It's part of his job. It's part of the deal. Yeah, you've delegated worrying to me, so I worry about things. But yeah, this tour went seamlessly. There were mostly short drives, but that middle stretch, it was just too many shit gigs in a row.

I love the shit gigs, but when you have too many in a row, you go, is this what it's come down to? Is this my life? Am I really? No, you wanted to do Mobile, Alabama, and I love Mobile, Alabama. Alchemy Tavern?

Yeah. And that wonderful vintage store. But usually it's broken up where you're happy to get to an improv because you don't have to think. You don't have to go and make sure they have chairs and a microphone. But that was like six in a row of small towns where we don't have a market. We don't have a Pensacola towns where we don't have a market. We don't have a Pensacola market.

We don't have a Gainesville. The people that show up are fine, but it was too many in a fucking row. And then I just drunk dialed Hennigan or drunk tweeted you, and you called back immediately. That's right, I did. Because I could tell. Don't fucking book. weeded you and you called back immediately. That's right, I did. Don't fucking book.

First of all, other comics have their New Year's Eve booked for 2019 already. You said Ralphie May. No, it did say Ralphie May. Hey, maybe there's an opening. Oh, believe me, I've looked at it. Get on the horn.

I've got a great offer for this weekend in Vegas. Open residency. And we also have the lavender pit here. I've got a great offer for this weekend in Vegas. Open residency. And we also have the lavender pit here in Bisbee where I wanted to find a picture and tweet it. Hey, if you need a place to bury him. Shit. Listeners, stop the podcast and Google search lavender pit Bisbee and you'll get the joke yeah but i think

you already get it so yeah i i i know this is bullshit i but you're used to my meltdowns no but this one was legitimate in the sense that uh the sense that i was even though i wasn't there i was also kind of weary of it it was like it was they were there you're right because when you look back at previous tours that had those towns on it they only had three of those towns and then it would be up and either down into florida up into georgia or whatever yeah so this was like pennsylvania and then you hit philly or pittsburgh this was like five of those fucking towns in a row and i remember when i was was booking, I was thinking, I don't really like this, but it's what, going to give three days off in the middle?

It was odd. Driving back for over five days, I thought, what if while driving to Florida, we did three of that run and then do the Florida dates and then turn around and do those three on the way back. But obviously, again, it's a lot. But that was an afterthought. Yeah, and it's also bound by you need to get the improvs and they're not going to give you any we couldn't get any you don't get weekends yeah rarely yeah so anyway but yeah i mean no when you know when

you had your like your meltdown call i was i was actually sitting on the sofa almost like i was waiting for it it was like it was weird i remember i was just sitting there, not really doing anything. I seldom sit on my sofa, but I was sitting there and you texted and I called immediately because I knew immediately. He was giggling when he booked this shit. He was waiting for it.

Oh, it's an 80-seater. It's not sold out. I don't care. The thing is, I've been making lists. If I had to make a list of all the things that I really need to check from now on that a gig has, I realized that I've had to say things like, do you have air conditioning in Florida? Oh, yeah. Do you have a stage do you have electricity these are things

we've turned up for gig where you think i surely don't have to ask if they have electricity oh my gosh yeah there's a lot of well it's yeah it's good except for oh electricity well it's a hurricane run i mean we were heading right down into West Palm. That place, where's the place you told, which gig was it where you're like, it doesn't, it only sells like beer and wine. Chizuko. Chizuko, the vegan sushi restaurant

or wherever the fuck it was. Daisy was really nice. Very accommodating. There was not a venue I could really bitch about. And that one, the one I knew was going to be bad, was great. Oh, did they say they had a stage? I think the follow-up question is, define stage. Well, here's the thing.

Those gigs were always booked with or through local comedians. So I almost think, come on, you're a local comedian. You're doing your due diligence here. But they don't know better. Right. They've never been on a stage. You've played a stage before? What's it like?

Let me smell your shoes. Hey, Brian, just to let you know, when we walked into that place, this was definitely a place where you had to walk in. They sold hot sake, which was great. And beer and wine. That was about it. Please hold. The Yankees lost game two. Fuck the Yankees. Nothing better in baseball

than watching the... Thank you, Ralphie May. Thank you, Ralphie May, looking down on us. Helping us out. When we walked into that venue an hour before doors, they had set up the room now they don't usually do comedy and the stage was really just an upturned two by four so it's on edge it's a very shallow stage right and they had set uh set the room up with a little bit of seating they put two uh like

easy boy chairs like love seats on either side of the stage and then a like a six foot couch dead center right in front and i said what's that doing there it's like we set the room up for you i go this is we can't do this like that is you're they're going to be six people super comfortable during this show and everyone else staring daggers in the back of their head so i had to move everything as far the way and even the tables i don't want anyone to have any advantage in the you know the 70 80 people there they should all be equal and that's what we did but it was it was very funny i've never seen a couch right in front of the stage that explains the blog post that i read about how to set up a comedy show using only craigslist items two by fours but the funny thing was i

remember i didn't there was a uh in your in your in your your your your heartfelt phone call you did actually bring up said the place we played the other night oh they didn't even serve booze they just served beer and i didn't have the heart to say tell you that it was very funny i thought no this isn't time for jokes I said well the only other option I was offered was a place that only served

mead mead that's the only time you could have whipped that out that would have totally diffused the situation

this place they were so nice that they were going, do you want a shot of sake? Because that was their hard alcohol. Tracy drank four bottles of it. No wonder she's losing her wallets. Also, the other part, the Chalys, they make their bones off of the merch.

And that was like five or six shows in a row where there's no place to sell merch. We're getting the fuck out of here. And they took a bad beat. So please, if you were at one of those shows, we didn't sell merch. Get it off the Doug Stanoff website. And yeah, we'll send you merch. On the upside, you weren't fucking mugged in Pensacola. This time.

Yeah. You didn't have to get the tire iron out. It was interesting. A little benchmark. That's what we walk away with. We didn't make any money on merch. We're still sober. At least we didn't get mugged.

But people came up and asked, two people asked me at that venue, did you not go back to the handlebar because of the incident in the, I think it was called the handlebar. Yeah. And I'm all, nothing to do with the club. That was two fucking stranded fucking vagrants.

Since the handlebar had no parking, we had to park in a fucking dentist strip mall in the dark where some guy, when you didn't want to give him a dollar for gas, wanted to kill you. And I hid in the back of the truck. That's nervous laughter. But honestly, even the stage at Shizuoka was better than the one for for our purposes yeah i mean it's always the ones you're not expecting like that one the first gig wasn't it was the first gig where you called me up and said is this is this seated and i went oh it's definitely seated

oh that was the second one on the last tour yeah yeah where they yeah we got there early and then it was like there's no chairs here. I had it all in writing. It was definitely seated. Oh, yeah, you make a deal with Hennigan. He's going to call you on the carpet for it. But they did. They brought in all the chairs. They did everything that they were going to do,

but they booked that Chamber of Commerce meeting before it, so we couldn't really get in there and do anything. You remember that one yes i do decalb that's what it was yeah it was a it was it was a nice uh end of that run except for you having to drive all the way across the country i thought that was fun man because i know that you you sold me on that when we were gonna rent rent a van and you said, no, I'll just drive from here to Dallas for three days. You guys do sites.

It's not just hard traveling on the way back. You guys take your time, right? We took one extra day this time to go up to Orlando. Gatorland. No, we did Gatorland. We took an extra day because we were going to go see Halloween Horror Nights 27 at Universal Studios.

So there's huge sound stages of haunted houses. I watched some of your drunken periscopes. Oh, yeah, I deleted those immediately. But, yeah, we got really fucked up. But they serve liquor in there. Wow. Okay, anyway, so, yes, we do. We went to Gatorland one day and then checked into the hotel

and then went to Halloween Horror Nights and hit everything. Haunted house. Hit everything. Nice. Eight haunts. There were 80-minute waits to get into each one, and we were five minutes. We were right in. VIP-ed it in?

VIP-ed. But, I mean, anyone could pay for it, which is expensive. Right, right. But it's worth it. We got on everything. It was fantastic. There's something funny about waiting to be frightened. Yeah.

It's like, I've never had to wait this long to be frightened ever. 80 minutes. I'd be frightened by the wait. 80 minutes to go in one event. Wow. And we just walked right on. That's why I have no interest. I paid for everything.

No, but I mean, oh, I see. No, you can upgrade your pass. All right. Go ahead, Chad. Sometimes I hear voices, and my dog acts like she hears them too, and that scares the shit out of me. But if I waited for it, it would ruin the whole thing. So I get what you're saying.

All right, let's tour dates. We have... Didn't you have... We're hitting the major markets now. I'm going to hit some tour dates. Oh. I thought Henning had a story. No no we're just gonna talk about okay me breaking down for the billionth time in our career my bernie toppin has had to hear me say i'm fucking quitting comedy and this is bullshit

and don't book anything that's less than six months out. Well, here we go. This is less than six months out. November 9th, Chicago. Just go to my website. I don't know where. Why aren't you doing the October dates? October. Oh, shit. Yeah.

Do you need them? I'm going to wrote them all down. Okay. Sorry. These are the dates that are fucked up. I haven't booked travel for yet. Okay. October. Yes.

Baltimore at Magoobies. I think it's sold out. Maybe it's not. It will be sold. That's October 12th. October 13th. Austin. Spread the word. Jay Whitecotton on the bill. Jay Whitecotton's on the bill.

Lulu Monkey will be there too. We saw her when we came through Austin. That's a pretty close drive. Chad Shank might be there. When Jay posted on his page, hey everyone, I'm opening for Doug and I very helpfully, waited until

a lot of people had made a comment and then wrote, by the way folks, don't bother hitting him up for comps. He doesn't have any. That's a big weekend in austin too oh yeah i still get that hey can you put me on the list thing there's no list yeah there's no list things got a lot easier when there was no list i know because people on the list sorry this is another thing i go deep into in my book people that are on a list are people that don't listen to the fucking show and they yeah we haven't had a list for years yeah there is no list fucking johnny depp came to oxnard you know where he sat the fucking well actually no he did actually

sit in the audience because we didn't sell it out. But he was in the fucking green room. He's a friend of mine. Yeah. That won't fuck up the show. If I go, it might be last minute. Can I get on the list? No. Yeah, in the green room.

You're hosting. You can't be out in public. You have to host. There's limited amounts of seats. Yeah. I mean, again, I think it shows enormous respect. And when you discover that people who could have been on, if there had been a list, like for your last gig in New York,

there were like four comedians of renown who bought tickets and did not ask for to be on the list. Fucking Frankie Boyle came to Glasgow and didn't even tell me he was coming. Bought tickets and didn't even come to the green room to say hi. I don't think I've ever met Frankie Boyle. We've just shared these scandals where

I defend him in the UK press or he defends me. And then you're on stage going, there was a guy in the front row who looked a lot like Frankie Boyle. Second row because I remember that show because there was a brawl that broke out in the third row and the second row didn't even turn around because brawls are so commonplace in glasgow no one's got a gun they all just sat there polite like they're still watching fucking dinner theater yeah but yeah but new york ari shafir turned up bought a ticket like just hung

out the back of the room it's like you didn't tell us you were coming or anything you just it's respectful there's no list what you it's it's more about having the green room free and young comics you have to understand if you're on the bill, like a lot of these shows, we had local comics that were doing five minutes. But I need to think through what I'm doing. My capacity for remembering shit, if I have one night off, I feel like I'm going back out after a year. I need that, the green room, i don't need a bunch of people fucking talking i gave houston mungle and uh slade ham were there and i i'm trying to be polite but i like i want to hear mungle's set and i and the one that gets off stage starts talking i want to hear the sets that are

going on before me because i want to make the show as linear as possible if they said something that i can call back in my set i need to hear that green room is not a fucking party place it's not fucking marilyn manson's fucking after party where they're hog tying people and making them confess to sins. You got to read fucking Manson's book. I know it's 18 years old, but I'm so into it. Yeah, I need a fucking quiet place. So when it is, if you are on a list, that means you're in the fucking green room

because you're a friend of mine, but I need you to just shut the fuck up drink after the show up until then the only time I've actually seen you snap very angrily at someone is in such a situation where it's just like I'm with somebody who should have known better like shut up

if you're talking about the same one I'm talking about that was actually you that snapped for me and we've never talked to him since oh him no that's no no that wasn't him oh wow well he's dead now ralphie is he no that's not ralphie october 23rd and 24th portland oregon yeah the first one sold out star there is no list that that place is great that we had a good time there last time it's uh fucking portland is my favorite yeah i don't know which um high school we have to apologize to but that you were bumped from the tuesday what there was some high

school that moved to the wednesday that we're doing the tuesday oh oh some high school was going to be at that venue and they, all right. Yeah. So sorry, your graduation is going to be delayed. Do, do stronger pre-sales next time. So yeah, the star theater in Portland,

I'm going to be up there early. There's fucking good games on the Sunday. I'm flying up on the Saturday to watch games on the Sunday at an undisclosed location. Because, yeah, there's Falcons Patriots, I think, that night. Oh, wow. 26th, you'll be back down in Phoenix. Oh, yeah, of course.

Yeah, that's going to be a party. And then I have a week off or so. Oh, tickets for the podcast the live podcast is at allthingscomedy.com there's a link there come out spend the full four days I'm sure they have some

platinum card that gets you into everything I don't know I have no idea I know we're going to be crashing every podcast that we can stay awake for and doing our own shit and then fucking Kilstein

he's got a brand new set he's gone dark this kid's gone dark I can't wait for this fucking thing and then we've got Kreischer falling off the wagon yeah we've got to get Kreischer off the wagon, or I will be. Anyway, then November 9th, Chicago. I don't have to fucking tell you anymore.

Junior Stopka will be there. I want to get that Adam Gilbert on the road so bad. From Fort Wayne. Fort Wayne. The little guy. Yeah, the little, little guy. Littlest guy. I want to get him on the road.

I got Junior in Chicago. I don't know if this guy can travel much. But Adam Gilbert, I have not forgot about you. Tenth? Maybe we should bring him to Philly. I don't know. I don't know if he has, like, one of those cars where he's got giant, like, brake pedals. There must be someone who's going to be coming to the gig

from that area. Well, juniors... Adam Gilbert, the only gig close is Chicago. If Adam Gilbert, if you listen to the podcast and you show up, I'll put you on stage. You could sleep in my twin bed

and I will... Or the bureau. Is this a pod calling? Are you pod calling him? I'm pod calling Adam Gilbert. We're going to take the Bible out of the drawer anyway. Tuck in there, buddy. Oh, fucking Adam Gilbert.

Okay, let's just blow through the dates. November 10th, Philly. Philly at the Trocadero. The 13thth you're in seattle is that at the which i can't remember which one was neptune neptune yeah neptune uh the 14th and 15th in san francisco at cobs yep oh shit india pearl who was yeah yeah that was in philly she just emailed me i've India Pearl, if you listen to the podcast, I forget about my emails. I don't know who's going to be in Seattle.

I don't know. Maybe Andrus. Andrus will probably be in Portland. I don't fucking know who's where anymore or who has dates. And November is a whole month away. That's a lifetime. So India Pearl. Yeah, we'll see.

She's the India Pearl for the listeners who know everything. She was the one. She's my ex-girlfriend's daughter that we played the whole. Was it the Warren Theater? Wilbur. Wilbur. Wilbur in Boston where she opened. She did eat her own ass

no this wasn't a carnival act no she's a comic she died a horrible horrible death but it was funny because I get to go out after her and do that whole her mother's in the audience my first girlfriend when I was 16 and i i said i've never

been able to say this to an opening act before but i fucked your mother in fact your mother is the one who introduced me to anal sex and i was underage your mother was 18 i was 16, so she technically raped me up her own ass. That's an old podcast. We played the recording of that. So, yes, India Pearl, we'll figure out something. You backed up to the 13th in Seattle. That's how I answer emails now, too. I don't just pod call.

I answer emails via podcast. I already said 14. Remind me. The 14th and 15th at Cobbs in San Francisco and the 17th in Washington, D.C. D.C. Where are we playing in D.C.? Where's fucking Hannigan?

Everything will be on the site by the time it's on the site. You'll figure it out. If it's sold out before you got there, it's because you're not on the mailing list. Now let's get to the thank yous hey bingo's book guys what's going on yeah yeah a lot of chatter a lot of chatter hey better better better hey better better better joe b's here trying to you're trying to fucking watch star wars that's why you're talking over the goddamn podcast okay thank you all right fan of bingo's book hey i'm just gonna i'm just gonna i'm just gonna leak this out bingo's book will be out in the next couple weeks

we will tell you we'll have a celebration. Hey, it's out, but we're going to let it leak out. Keep an eye out for... God damn it. What's the title, Brian? Hannigan! It's... How am I drawing a blank? Let Me Out,

but the subtitle. It's called Let Me Out. Subtitle is A Madhouse Diary. That's it. Yes! That's all right. We're talking about Bingo's book. Who's doing calisthenics on the roof, I think.

It's going to come out in... Bingo's book will be coming out in the next week. Digital version. Digital version and eventually a physical version as well. But again again we're going to be playing it cool like we did when we had to release uh your book overseas initially ourselves before the uh the publishing industry buckled under the sales pressure and uh and took on board the project here's the thing it's coming out digitally so you guys who are going to be eager to look for it if there's a problem where you go

it's downloading wrong yeah then we can fix it and if there's only one of you who says it like when you go oh the link doesn't work but it works for everyone else well we know you suck i mean here's the thing about that whole thing i know with 95 confidence when we get a complaint about anything technical we are always right because when i complain about something if i ever thought sought to complain about something online publicly about a corporation or an individual i will at least google a little bit and say, hmm, I wonder if anyone else has complained or tweeted about this before I fucking launch my fucking grenade.

Write the president. Yeah, and it's like, oh, you're the only person that can't buy tickets to Fort Wayne? Hmm. Maybe you should look at your browser before you start telling us that the whole gig is fucked. Signed, Spit Vitriol.

Yeah. I love Greg Shirley. Yeah. One of my favorite football players. All right. Let's get to the thank yous. By the way, the links will all be on DougSando.com once it's available. Yeah.

Don't bother tweeting us. When's it coming out? All right. We'll be done. I wrote these down a week ago and it's, this says football players slash Hendry, which has to be Phil Hendry. Oh,

is that the guy, Josh in Vermont? Someone handed us a bunch of discs. Is that what you're talking about? No, I can't be that. Cause this was shit. I opened in the mail.

So Josh in Vermont knows who, yeah who yeah someone sent gave us handed us a at a merch booth a manila envelope full of phil hendry cds best of and you were tickled you were like oh never heard yeah yeah hendry. They didn't work. One of them did. This is not Josh in Vermont. But the one we did listen to, we enjoyed the other ones. They were just burned wrongs for the band. My Fair Junkie by Amy Drezner.

I read that. I don't know if I've already talked about this, maybe. But I read that on the road. I fucking love reading on the road. And that came to me from uh ben who does my book this is not fame and digging up mother he said mishka said you'd like this uh amy dresner never does heroin she uses the word junkie about all her other drug things. She was a crackhead. She a junk food junkie?

I enjoyed it. Amy Dresner, at the end, you turn into a really cunty girlfriend. But, oh, spoiler alert. All right. Come on. There's other books I'm not even fucking going to talk about. Mishka sent me some albums. So Mishka Shibali who we always love

even though I was kind of a prick to him at the end of that last tour he just got done with Bird Cloud on the Road Straight Fish by Mike Knox I feel like maybe I've already done these maybe these are old thank you what's that one? Straight Fish is a book by Mike Knox

and it's about a prison guard or something but then i realized it's fiction and then this other guy i it sounded like a great book but i thought it was a documentary here's the thing that i realized just today i was thinking about the fucked up things that happen in the stories that are real have fucked me over on fiction i i get real excited about a fiction story and then i'm like oh wait that's not real i don't i don't want to i don't want to listen to that audio book well listen to this dog has talked about that okay so this is that then i get a email there's another guy he sent me i won't even talk about it But this guy sent me an email saying, hey, what's your address?

I know you give it out. 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona. If you Google search Doug Stanhope's address, you'll find it. So he said, I want to send you some of my books. I know you gave your address out. Can you tell me what it is? And I said, 212 Van dyke street bisbee arizona 85603 send it to doug and i said no fiction so he sent me his two books with a letter hey

big fan of the podcast here's my books i hope you enjoy them i'm a cab driver in tucson mother schneider mother schneider i'm a cab driver in tucson just like you asked it's not fiction no But it was worse. It was books of poetry. Mather Schneider, you sent me books, and I asked you, no fiction. But instead, you sent me your load of horseshit poetry. Thanks. Bukowski is an author

that I would put in my top three because I've read five. I would not read his poetry. Jesus fucking Christ. It's not fiction. To put it all in a fucking one sentence and make it a...

Ugh. If you like poetry, I read a few. It's Father Luke-ish and Bukowski-like. I read like two things out loud just to tell everyone in the room why I wouldn't fucking read poetry. Jesus, god damn it.

Pete in Australia sent murder ballads? I don't know. Oh, that's a uh I think it's an album. I wish Bingo was here. That was for you and Bingo. I think Chad and Bingo will love this.

What was it? Murder Ballads. Is it Nick Cave? Might be. I think it was, yeah. Was it an album or a CD or something? I don't fucking know. I'm intrigued.

Thank you. George from Chicago sent some patches, police patches. They're right here. Seneca. We have to put this in the neighbor's mailbox. Oh, yeah. Seneca is our neighbor. Next door neighbor. Seneca Police patches. They're right here. Seneca. We have to put this in the neighbor's mailbox. Oh, yeah. Seneca is our next-door neighbor. It's Seneca Police Department.

So thank you for that. Pineal Collada sent some pictures. They're the Canadians. Oh, is that the Canadians? Yeah. Oh, okay. They sent some really fucking cool pictures. She does really cool artwork.

I just found her stuff on Twitter yesterday or the day before, and it was fucking really cool. She was here drawing pictures of, she did drawings of the houses, of the different houses. Yeah. And, yeah, the Bratchels took one, and we've got one of the little houses. I got a really cool fucking letter.

This podcast is way too long, but I got a really cool card with a letter inside. The card is from a guy named Jonathan in Austin who does kind of rehab work with prisoners, which is God's work. He goes and tries to help fucking prisoners. And he sent a quick note, and enclosed was a letter. Fuck it, I'll read it.

I'll try to read it fast. But yeah, and this is right after I fucking heard about Ralphie May dead, so I was a little easily touched. I pretend to not have, or I believe I don't have any feelings, and then one creeps up on me, and I take drugs. So who wrote this letter? A prisoner. This is one of the guys.

He says, to say this is a fan mail would be like calling a silk sock soft. It is, of course, but it's also so much more you should know i'm writing this to you from a prison yeah pretty much the most unfunny place in the world and guess what i got top bunk i was introduced to you by my meditation teacher that's what jonathan. He's a meditation teacher. Through a recording of your performance across the street. Badass, by the way. For the 30 or so minutes we listened, I watched a dozen guys slap themselves on the thighs, wipe tears from their eyes,

and roll around on the floor pantomiming happiness. That's poetry. Yeah. Pantomiming happiness. From your hilarity. for 30 or so minutes, we weren't confined to our own disasters. We were as free as our laughter, and Mr. Doug Standup, you can't buy that.

I've never written a letter to a famous person, well, besides God, but heaven apparently has no forwarding address. I've always been a George Carlin fan, so I'm confused whether to be pissed about how much I've internalized your work. If there were one thing I hope to hear in this, it's some small sentiment of sincerity filled with a great gratitude for your voice and your heart and mind that directs it forgive my cliche but prison appreciates fine art i must away for giving me both the chance to hear you

and to speak with you i believe the word we've made up is thanks oh darn if i don't Thanks. Oh, darn, if I don't. Oh, darn. Sorry, this guy's handwriting. He's not on a fucking computer in prison. Oh, darn. If don't you hate when you forget your own name.

I'm Doc, by the way. Pleased to meet you. Peace. Peace. Peace. He signed it. Peace. Peace movement. He's in on the peace movement.

Do we have Doc's address? Because I think we might have a pen pal for the podcast. No, but I have Jonathan's phone number, and he says he has a couple of guys that he's gotten out of prison and mentored that are coming to the Austin show. Let's end the podcast. Do we have anything else? We'll end the podcast,

and I'm going to call that guy with a blocked number and say, yeah, I'll meet his prison friends after the Austin show. I'm a sucker for fucking prison. It shouldn't exist. You're going to Austin, Chad. But there's no one on the list. No one on the list.

All right. Thank you, guys. Who do we play out Bird Cloud's winning the poll on Twitter Bird Cloud I talked to him today they were obviously upset the Ralphie May thing

I never I have Bird Cloud in my phone as Bird Cloud so I always say hey Bird Cloud I don't know which girl is talking to me they're in Italy doing their last show 41 straight shows last night was in Slovenia and then they get the news

about Ralphie Mae so yeah they're coming home kids are coming home to roost the birds are coming home to roost play out bird cloud no wait Play out Bird Cloud No, we gotta go with the Matoid The Bird Cloud, they lived with the Matoid We gotta fucking come on

What? Funeral party Oh Ralphie Mae The Matoid Funeral party Cause you got to go to the funeral party. One, two, three, seven, yeah.

Right on, baby. The priest is here. And the gasketket is ready Her body inside Looks nice and steady Let's play it for the man For the last time Play it for the man

Farewell Play it for the man For the last time Play it for the man For the last time Played for the man Praise the Lord And we got to go on with the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party

Got to go on with the funeral party Yeah Alright Now the priest is talking The funeral party Yeah Alright Now the priest is talking And the casket starts to move Everybody's crying We all got the groove Let's play it for the man

For the last time Play it for the man Farewell Play it for the man For the last time Play it for the man Farewell Play it for the man For the last time Play it for the man Praise the Lord And we got to go on with the funeral party

Got to go on with the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party We got to go on with the funeral party Yeah! Come on guys! Everybody, cry! Grace and loyalty Yeah Praise the Lord Yeah

Yeah Praise the Lord and we got you gone with the funeral party Got you gone with the funeral party Got you gone with the funeral party Party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party The distant sound of an Englishman talking about pizza.