The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #230: Doug & Bingo Attempt to Read Pretty

Episode Date: October 18, 2017

Doug & Bingo read passages from their books to see who is lamer at reading. Recorded Oct 17th, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Bingo (@bingobingaman), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille. Closing song, “SUNDAY AT THE WARD”, by Amy Bingo Bingaman. Pre-Order a SIGNED copy of Doug's NEW book, " This Is Not Fame: A "From What I Re-Memoir"" at - http://bit.ly/2AwBH3y This episode is sponsored by UPS Store Franchise – Be your own boss and open a UPS Store Franchise. Visit upsstorefranchising.com/stanhope to get started today. DRAFT.com – New players get a FREE entry into a draft when you make your first deposit! Use promo code DOUG and play a real money game for FREE! ALL THINGS COMEDY Comedy Festival (OCT 26-29) presents The Doug Stanhope Podcast LIVE with Doug Stanhope, Chad Shank, Greg Chaille and Special Guests @ The Orpheum Theater Thu - 10/26 8:00pm in Phoenix, AZ. Tickets at https://phoenix.ticketforce.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=371 More Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List. LINKS: Chad Shank Voice Over info at AudioShank.com Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

uh air the new fogger is uh not working the fogger the new froggies fogger yeah so the titan 1100 for the haunt got some issues already that's brand new you used to use uh floyd used to have the fogger yeah we used to get the little crappy ones from uh spirit or halloween express oh so instead of that you you instead of borrowing a shitty one, you bought a shitty one? No, no, I've got two from the past few Halloweens that I've picked up. They're cheap. They're like $20 now. But then they had this two-year warranty on this one at the St. Louis Halloween show.

Greg Chaley is the only person i know that actually keeps like warranties i've gone through so many fucking keurig k-cup makers and i i buy and i know it's gonna fucking clog up and break again but i'm not gonna fill out a fucking warranty and have a folder system oh yeah you got it jaylee does yeah and this i mean this they're way back i mean they are so far behind in production that i just got this like when we got home from the tour it had arrived it was supposed to be here in july and we got back at the end of september and so haunts were open at the end of september and these this is who they sell to. They sell to

haunts and stuff. So yeah, David's getting back to me from Froggy's Fog. And we're going to be bogged down with fog. Alright, so Halloween, the Butcher of Black Knob, Chaley House. If you live in Bisbee. Yeah,

I think it's the only thing that happens. Well, old Bisbee. there's actually a haunt in town this year I saw the poster up at the Ace yeah we'll see what's going on over there and then Becker I don't know he's the wild card oh that's right Becker's gonna be here if he does it over there he gets here

in a couple days and then we go immediately up to the all things comedy all things comedy podcast comedy festival Over there, he gets here in a couple days, and then we go immediately up to the All Things Comedy. All Things Comedy Podcast Comedy Festival. Looking forward to it. We're doing a morning podcast. Actually, now it's rolled over noon. But I thought, yeah, you know what? Maybe we just get up.

I'm not sober Octobering with the Kreischer, but I was going to take this week and chill out, save it up for, I got to do two nights in Portland first, and you know that fucking hurts. I'm actually going up a night early. Actually, no, two days. I'm going up on the Saturday to do Monday, Tuesday in Portland because there's really good football this week. You're not going to be here for football.

I know. Saints-Packers. So I'd either have to watch the Saints-Packers game here and then have someone drive me to the airport so I could fuck with Packers fans. Broken Packers. Well, I booked a ticket before I knew Aaron Rodgers wasn't going to be here, and the Saints are now a six-point favorite.

Go to betonline.ag if you want to bet with me and Brendan Walsh. They'll be a sponsor soon, but in the meantime, they've always been a sponsor of mine. Or they sponsor fucking taking my money when I make drunken bets, and the fucking Giants, the winless Giants with no receiving core somehow lose to Denver in Denver. My lock of the week was fucking the over on the, it was a Lion Saints, and the over was 50 and a half. And I think that they almost hit that by halftime. They scored 90 points in the game.

And then I get drunk and fucking double down, and I bet a bunch of money on Denver to cover 13 points, and they fucking lose. I was down to $1.70 on my fantasy draft.com. Because people keep signing up, and then we tell them, mine is Stanhope Podcast, yours is Stanhope,

and then Castle Rock is Stanhope. Stanhope. Stanhope. And then Castle Rock is Castle Rock. And you can invite us if you get the app. Go to your app store and just search drafts. We're going to do a commercial later. Yeah, we'll do the commercial later. Anyway, I was down to $1.70. Because some guy goaded me into something last weekend.

And I had nothing left. I made two $1 bets. And I got down to $1.70 because some guy goaded me into something last weekend and I had nothing left. I made two $1 bets and I got down to $1.70. And Monday night, came through. I'm back up $33 now. I got into one with you. You invited me and I joined that one. I got into a bunch with people. I didn't know what I was doing and then I couldn't figure out. Because that's what happens during football when you're off and watching the games. You get drunk and then I couldn't figure out because that's what happens during football when you

you're off and watching the games you get drunk and then i can't figure out did i am i in this and then i figured out i i won shit you were you were showing me i won stuff that i didn't kill me you killed me you had over you had 107 was your point rating and i was at 65 and i still had and i didn't even know i was in the thing i I had one running back left in the Monday night game. And I'm like, oh, my God. The projection is like four points. It's fucking horrible. But what killed me was on week five, I had 11 drafts coming.

I'm spinning plates. I have drafts. I don't even know that it worked. Yeah. I was in it. And I won this. I didn't worked. I was in it, and I won this. I didn't even know I was in it. I back up. It tells me, even on my laptop, it tells me,

so-and-so is following you or is challenging you, and I'll figure it out eventually. We'll talk about it later. You just showed me the list of dates we did this year, and that's only in half a year we did that's mostly summer that's six months off that started june 20th in west nyack the the problem is and that's why i said it it feels like we did that many dates but i didn't think we did because we've basically been doing like 2006 kind of tours. A lot of small towns.

It is, yeah. If you look back on the website, there's past gigs, and I've been keeping that up lately, especially. And as I add things, I add like, oh, the weekend's over. I'll add three or four more dates. And I never really scrolled down

to see what it looked like until the other day. It's a lot of fucking dates. Yeah, it fucking feels like that. If our soles were old shoes, you could see our feet through the soles. Well, now that we're hitting more major markets, when we're driving like that, yeah, you fill in the date. Why take the night off when you can play Pensacola? You were going to stay there anyway. There was a phone call where you thought that was a bad idea

to your manager sure but now I'm flying and I'm sure I've read why you get so much drunker when you fly I don't remember scientifically or just because it's free

drinks in first class that's probably more of it than anything else and I get there early. I just did two dates, but I had to fly out a day early, go into the East Coast out of a small market, Tucson. Then you got to go. I'm either going to have to stay overnight the night before in Tucson to make it on time for the gig that night,

to make it on time for the gig that night. Or I get a later flight the day before. Either way, it's a lost day. So I always fly out of Tucson early, stay the night before. I got to Baltimore, did Baltimore, Magoobies. I remember I liked the club. But then I booked an early flight

to beat Austin traffic, so I had to be up at 7 a.m. No, I had to be flying at 7 a.m. Baltimore is like Tucson. Bars open at 6 a.m. at the airport, so I'm off and going. Austin show was fantastic. Another standing affair.

What? Outdoor at like 89 degrees, 600 people, and I was so resigned, but so happy to be in Austin. We've done so many standing outdoor shows. Everyone can smoke smoke i can't

not smoke but that was that was that's what you said was the trade-off everyone was standing in the heat and standing and but they could smoke while they watched comedy and drink and that was and a trade-off and they're used to it you know they it's a it's a music town they go out they go to shows they stand they sweat they smoke they drink and it was a fucking great time i had so much fun there i always do i and i always think ah my austin days are over like i used to have a million friends and i i realized it's 2 30 and no one's called me. I haven't even heard from White Cotton was opening and I haven't even heard from him. And they were there at the show.

They just didn't want to bother me. He fucking loved it. We just drove through. We saw Lulu and White Cotton. Yeah, Lulu was there. Jack and Dino was there. Little Mikey was there. We found a bar afterwards, Mugshots.

It's Lulu's favorite bar. She knows everyone. Yeah, we hung out and had a good time. And then I fortunately booked a 1 p.m. flight the next day because I know it's Austin. Do I want to get home in time to actually be home or do I take the late flight at 1 p.m.? Couldn't possibly sleep through a 1 p.m. flight.

I'll leave at 11. I woke up at 11.31 in the hotel. Fortunately, I'd shown up shit-faced, so nothing was unpacked. All I had to do is throw on my suit. I was out of there by 11.34. All I had to do was brush my teeth pack my pack my toothbrush it's the only thing i unpacked yeah my toothbrush my toothpaste jump back jump in a fucking cab i was at my gate at 1203 and that's not a quick drive to the airport i was somehow at my fucking gate i i

use clear i never get fucking pre-check anymore they used to just dole that out where the clear clear is a uh another vendor and what i did i did it on a trial and i thought you would make fun of me for doing it because i have tsa pre-check it's fucking great but the clear you spend more money it's a couple hundred dollars but they don't have it in tucson so it didn't make sense yeah they they but you you go straight through you put your fucking thumb on a thing or they look at your eyeball or you piss on something and you go straight fucking through straight through and the tsa agent goes hey he looks at my id he goes oh you're still living bisbee he goes i i i love your stuff and like. Sometimes getting recognized

is really cool, and I can't think of a cooler place than TSA. When you get recognized at TSA, because I'm always panicked. Did someone slip fucking coke in my sport coat pocket last night?

You're paranoid anyway when you wake up after an Austin gig, especially. TSA, you made it big. Bingo's here. I forget to mention Bingo's here. She'll croak in here and again. What we're going to do in a little bit, Bingo's got her advanced copy of her book.

I have my advanced copy. So later on in the podcast, we're each just going to read a paragraph, a chunk, a bit of it, just to see whose audio version is going to take longer. And suck more. No, no, they clean it up in editing. Oh, great. But as you're doing it, you watch the guy recording you and his face drop, knowing how much work is going to go.

So we're going to give him an unedited paragraph that we're going to read to see who's going to be more work. But that's later on. Point being, that's one thing. We have to figure out what to do with Kreischer. Kreischer's going to be on our podcast, too, at the All Things Comedy Festival. And every time Kreischer and I do a podcast,

we like to do... I kind of already blew this. Well, we always do a comedy all-star tour, like pick and kick ball. Oh, you guys got a question at the end. Or which comedian's biography would you like to read that doesn't have one? That doesn't exist.

Yeah. Which comic should have a podcast that doesn't? Shit like that. But I was going to maybe use this. The coolest place you've ever been recognized. But TSA is fucking great. There's one story, some Nashville comics or Atlanta comics that were coming back from they were going between Atlanta

and Tennessee and they got pulled over and I happened to be on XM Radio or they were listening to a CD and when the cop came up he heard it and recognized me and let him go are you listening to Stanhope?

that was a fucking cool one I wasn't even there for. That's great. But yeah, I made my flight and more miraculously made it off the last plane because I took the long way. Well, you need to mention that, that you went through, you covered all four time zones

because you were trying to accrue more miles for your end of the year. And that's the only way I could get the later flight was to go. The drive from Austin to Bisbee is, I think, like 15 hours. Yeah, it's at least that. I took a nine-hour flight and then stayed over in Tucson, which is another two hours. If I drove from Tucson, it would have been another two hours. Went from Austin to Atlanta to Salt Lake City to Tucson, and I was so unimaginably wrecked when I got off that plane,

the last plane. We got to Tucson. We were meeting you there that night to pick you up, but we were going to stay over in the hotel. And we got to town a little bit earlier than we expected. So Chase and I, we'll stop and grab some sushi. But we're like 30 minutes early. It wasn't that long.

We were just going to pop in really quick. And then you call and said, hey, where are you at? And I said, said well we're just we're paying for dinner we'll be right over nah i'm fine and then you started you started saying something so that someone could hear you talking to me like inviting someone like like talking about trying to start a flight no it was a party or something for the flight attendant you wanted her you said you fell in love but you don't want her to know that you're buying drinks or something you i don't you were wasted and i'm like oh fuck he's saying this loud

enough so that people in two rows on behind and in front can hear you oh okay it was the flight hey i just fell in love with a flight attendant okay so i was fucking with the people around me on the plane i did give away one of my vintage delta pins to her yeah uh one flight attendant that was i know that's a different flight because i remember on the middle flight delta is on top of the uh breast cancer awareness thing and during october they sell either pink lemonade for two dollars or pink martinis for eight dollars and the flight attendant get on the fucking mic on that middle flight and she says listen and she does the whole production but an anonymous person on the flight said they're buying pink martinis for anyone who wants one uh they're gonna so all that money goes to breast cancer

awareness and i'm on an aisle seat in first class and i look down the aisle and i wave taking full credit as being the anonymous guy stole his thunder and then later on i had an envelope uh some uh some door money that had been given to me and uh it was like a hundred dollars more than what they raised when they announced it. And I called her over and I said, listen, I have $740 in this envelope that I'll donate if you get on the mic and say an anonymous person has given us $740 for ass cancer awareness. But they have to say it on the mic. Yeah, she wouldn't do it yeah i called her bluff i won well uh when you were telling me about uh you fell in love with the flight attendant uh that's when i said uh no i'm picking you up because i can't believe you they let you on the

plane and i certainly and i know you kept drinking i can't believe they're gonna let you on the plane. And I know you kept drinking. I can't believe they're going to let you on the van to get to the airport, or on the shuttle to get to the first hotel. Oh, I was going to walk. And then I look at Trace and I'm going, he's going to try and walk. We're just fucking going there. And yeah, you were so drunk that when you...

And clearly, look, I'm glad you got home. Hey, sometimes you have to give away a vintage Delta pin to a flight attendant. You did give it away. No, it's the one I don't use. I have the good ones. You walked up to the car, the van, and you had your green backpack and your bag, your roller bag that apparently didn't open the entire time you were gone. And you opened the door and you dropped

your phone immediately but you had your bet the backpack up and i grabbed it i put it in back and then you you look up from the phone like you were in a fucking time machine you go where's my bag and i go i got it where's your uh garment bag what my bag and you're like you wouldn't catch it i'm like where's your garment bag you asked me to get that for you before you left i assumed you had it you didn't and you kept thinking your bag and i know you were going like where in atlanta did i drink where did i leave my backpack you couldn't fucking understand i grabbed it from behind the seat where tracy was and i showed you go how the fuck did you get my bag because i just pulled up it was like this fucking david blaine fucking moment is this the bag you're looking for i have i'm actually not even gonna read these

because some of these might be i i i come off flights like that with notes on the back of boarding passes and on cocktail napkins of shit. I swear it's going to be fucking great material. And it's never a few times I've hit pay dirt. You said that. And I'm curious because when I'm on a flight, I'm forced to not be distracted by certain things, especially when you couldn't get on your phone at all. And you do get in a stream of consciousness where you start thinking weird things

and then you keep thinking. Same as driving. Yes. If you drive long distance where you don't have to pay attention to traffic, just single. Or that monotony or that, well, anywhere from Bisbee for the first eight hours going any direction is

just fertile ground yeah and i just i just wonder what that is it the monotony or not having a distraction the difference is you don't have to drive so you can sit there and yeah ring for another drink call button ding i'm in a deep thought yeah get my marker. But I cut this out. And then I couldn't even figure out why. And then I read it. And this is from the New York Times. It says, Ex-soccer star and vice president lead in Liberia presidential vote.

And as I'm reading this, it says, Some former soccer star, George Way, W-E-A-H, once named African Player of the Century, and Vice President Joseph Boakai emerged as the top vote getters. Mr. Way, with roughly 136,000 votes, was leading Mr. Boakai, who had 105,000 votes. And I spun off on this, hey, I have more Twitter followers combined than those two. If Russia can hack our election with fake news, what if we put the killer termites on spreading fake news about Liberia? Of course, we'd go with the soccer star. Sure.

The vice president. He's got to be corrupt. So if you want to spread awful stories across Facebook about Vice President Joseph Boakai of Liberia, just keep spreading those. Let's see if we could rig a Liberian election. I'm not selling it as well as it was selling me on that flight. Sure. That was early on when I could read.

Yeah, that was... It looked like you had fun. I mean, aside from the flight being so long I didn't realize you had done that I just don't know why you do that to yourself I know I already made diamond I don't need to do it but it accrues

What I don't use this year No I understand why you do it I don't understand why you do it after you do two nights And especially the second night in Austin And getting drunk and hanging out and having fun Why you would put yourself through that long, circuitous route just to get home. So I didn't have to get up at 7 in the morning and miss a flight and then hope to get standby for a middle seat on that same route

that I scheduled first class. I knew there was a reason. See? You're diamond, but what am I, bottom feeder at this point? Well, now at this point, i think i can make you silver oh thank god i don't know how they changed something for me to wear but it doesn't kick in till 2018 all right it's yeah keep stealing your benefits i surrounded myself this morning to do a morning podcast with all the things that annoy me.

So I have CNN on. I have fucking, well, it was Colin Cowherd. I tried to take, I called Bingo. I go, I know you don't know who this guy is. Oh, is this what you did? I just wanted to see if the description worked. But Colin Cowherd's head looks like, I told Bingo, if you know the lady who got her face eaten by a chimpanzee? Yeah, pulled off, yeah. And then after years of surgeries, they finally gave her a face transplant,

and she went on Oprah Winfrey, and like, oh my God, you have a face now. Colin Cowherd has a face like that. If it was a medical miracle, you'd go oh you look all right that's all right yeah he can get a job i can eat dinner in front of you and if it's dimly lit they're staring at the guy with a limp and not me finally yeah but if you're if you just look like that it looks like his nose was nailed onto his face by a carpenter and one eye is lower than the other the nails like crooked and you need to get me back on the road because i came up with the last of your bit you didn't know the last year oh which was sweeping the Oh, that was a bit I did a bit about the

inspirational stories I did it for the Charlie Brooker thing and then realized I never used that on an album Did it air on Charlie Brooker? Yeah, it did Do you remember recording that out here in my car?

I remember recording parts of it out here. You were in my car that I made for the parade, the Bisbee parade. Oh, the art car. The art car. Fuck getting that bit up. Like, we're going to fuck reading here in a minute. Well, I threw in a chunk that came across as heavily racist in that bit. And I tried to explain why it's not racist

and they weren't having it. Probably a good thing it's not on an album. It's in another country. Who gives a fuck? Yeah. All right. This is a good time for a break. Bingo.

You're probably going to need another cocktail if you're going to read. This is a good time for a break. Bingo. Yeah. You're probably going to need another cocktail if you're going to read. This is number two, and I got to take a shit, too. So should I do that? All right. We'll do. We'll drink, and you tidy up. I'll take a shit, and then we'll read.

You take a shit, and I will. I'll do what I like calling keeping the lights on around here. I'll do what I like calling keeping the lights on around here. All of this can be yours when you open a UPS Store franchise. The UPS Store has over 35 years of franchising experience and was just ranked the number four top franchise to own by Entrepreneur Magazine's 2017 Franchise 500 list. The UPS Store offers stability, the support and reputation of a world-renowned brand, and a proven business model with all the training and marketing support you need to make your entrepreneurial dream come true. Stores are available in large and small markets across the country, and their franchising experts will help you find a location that's just right for you. Plus, there's financing for those who qualify and special programs for military veterans. The time to promote yourself to business owner is now. Visit the UPSstoreFranchising.com slash Stanhope to get started today.

One more time. Visit theupsstorefranchising.com slash Stanhope. James, have you ever used Eros Guide for hookers on the road? Eros Guide, that sounds interesting. What is it? Eros Guide is where in my later stage of getting hookers via computer, I would go to Eros Guide. They have hookers in every major metropolitan area. So, is this like Craigslist? It gives you pictures, tells you what they're into.

Right, because I'm tired of going to Craigslist, finding these skanky hookers. Is there a better place to go? Hey, your face isn't really pixelated. Get out of my Motel 6. How much to just talk for three months? All right, I'll give you $250 an hour, but I get to live on your couch for a year and a half.

And believe me, you'll be paying me that back. Did you say no? I like what you did. I respect that. Can I do some laundry at your house? It's just this jacket and cap. All right, that's a plug from James Inman. Now back to the podcast, already sort of in progress.

All right, this is how we close out the year. Road dates, major markets. How about Portland, October 23rd and 24th at the star theater the same place we played last time the scene of the crime the home of the shame we'll never talk about the last time we were there but that was after the show wasn't it oh uh october 26th all things comedy uh live podcast at the orpheum theater we're the only people playing the orpheum theater i've noticed in that whole lineup ari shafir bill burr burr chrysler all these major fucking acts are playing at the comedy club. We're playing at a thousand fucking cedar. Us.

A thousand cedar. Get there early in case you want a really shitty seat. Because as many open seats, it's going to be like a fucking Jacksonville Jaguars week 15 fucking gig. Which is fine because my audience are fucking. Should we get tarps and cover the back seats? Yeah, I'll be playing at fucking Sun Devil Stadium. Please, show up. Everyone else is at that fucking comedy club from Bar Rescue.

Hey, how come the comedy club sold out in three minutes because there's only 18 seats that'll just make it more fun oh my god if it makes me surly it makes it more fun november 9th chicago at the portage theater november 10th philadelphia at the trocadero november 13th seattle washington at the neptune theater two nights at cobs comedy club november 14 and 15 in san francisco at cobs and i think we're gonna try to rope that mic from no fx onto a podcast if not we're just gonna do some heavy drinking but he says he's around was.C., the last show of the year. D.C. at the State Theater, November 17th.

And then we'll rewire shit for 2018. And yes, I will be going overseas in every direction next year. Details to come. How are you going to know first? Get on the mailing list. Because when you give me shit, it's sold out, I guess. Well, that's know first? Get on the mailing list. Because when you give me shit, it's sold out, I guess. Well, that's because you're not on the mailing list

because they find out first. So, DougStanhope.com, get on the mailing list and you'll find out first before I start tweeting relentlessly for the shows that didn't sell out. Someone sent Tom Knopka a table. Oh, you got a name? No, you got another thing. Oh, alright.

That just came today. Oh, sorry. Air conditioning. I got it. I got it. Yeah, no. Someone sent him that table in a wooden box. I haven't seen it. Oh, that's the one I said it looked like it was packing

ordinance. You came up with the big word. He opened it. Yeah, is this really Oh, that's the one I said It looked like it was packing ordnance You came up with the big word He opened it, yeah, is this really cool? I don't know what kind of wood You know, like when they take a slice out of a tree Oh, that's right It's a deadfall tree It's salvaged wood

It's cool as shit We should plug that guy We'll talk about it next time Tom's on the podcast But yeah, Tom gets stuff here. The 212 Van Dyke. Isby, Arizona. 85603. And then that email that you got from some...

Don't even look it up. It says, hey, our anniversary is coming up. Will you call my husband again? Like you did before when it was really cool and unique? Lightning strike twice? Evidently, yeah. I drunk dialed someone once, and he didn't answer his phone. So I left him a voice message, and now she goes,

Well, now it's our anniversary. I can't think of anything. We're not really materialistic people. So I thought, Oh, well, you're also not creative because you want the same fucking thing again i already did it i stare i stare at him every day for 10 years and i can't think of anything how about two total strangers brainstorm like what the fuck what are we gonna do when he read that out loud to me i said did you say a call again and chaley says yep that's what they want more always more there's a chapter

in my book that's not what i'm going to read not a but a part of the book about the guy that wants more my dad used to put me on the phone when um people selling shit would call when i was verbigerating which means you're just talking nothing. It's basically with mental illness. Talking nothing. Verbigeration is speaking in tongues, basically. Yeah. And he used to stick me on the phone all of the time

for people selling shit. Like phone solicitors calling? I didn't know what I was doing. I was just inviting him to dinner. I didn't know what I was doing. You're trying to close a sale. Bingo was on the board. Bingo, when she first moved here,

bald Bingo, when she's crazy, was at its apex, would be in line at Safeway and calling the dollar store to see if they're still open. She goes, is the dollar store still open? And I go, why don't you give them a call? And I'd hand her a banana, and she'd make loud phone calls into it, and everyone, like

the checkers, would think we're goofy and making a joke. She used to talk on that banana a lot. If I was in Sherry's lane, she would have grabbed the banana and started talking herself. Here, let me say hi. Inside baseball. There was something you used to say, Doug, that would throw Bingo into. She would repeat something verbatim every time.

Yeah, but she knows how to do that. That was something. Yeah, because she did it millions of times. What is it? I kind of remember. I don't know what it is, but I kind of remember. You'd leave a pop, zop, zop, zop, choo. Oh, I'm done, little bunny.

I didn't look in. I'm done, little skinny bother skating on why don't you that's it but she would do it like i think there was a trigger word or something it was a rolling dice a number two or i can't remember what it was but i used to just go on yeah when we played yahtzee or something i don't know no we would be anywhere. We'd be after the show. But there was a trigger. Yeah, yeah, there was. I can't remember what it was.

I can't either. Yeah, it was that time when I was living in Tampa, and we had that one picture. Yeah, it's a Where's Waldo picture. It's a waterfall landscape. But it's like a poster, so I had 11 by so i 11 by 17 is framed and there was just one thing about the picture and the way it was explained to me from my gal at the time was like there's something in this picture that doesn't fit and i'm fucking combing this thing i'm looking for

every little thing it's literal needle in a haystack but it's so vague what it was because i remember what it was but it was so vague that Do you know what it was? Because I remember what it was. I do, I do. But it was so vague that it was like there's something in here that doesn't belong and it's all nature and a waterfall and leaves and trees

and you can't even see the sky. There's everything's just all just Cluttered. Cluttered. And I fucking couldn't find it forever and finally, you know, Jodi goes, I go, just fucking tell me. And she points to it.

And then you guys were in town in Tampa. Bingo's Meds, not quite up to par. And you said to her, can you find something in this picture? She fucking put her finger right on it. I was like, what the fuck? Do you remember what it was? What was it? Eminem's Peanuts.

Eminem's Peanuts wrapper. Yep. And in the midst of a fucking an area littered with leaves it's so teensy

tiny yeah but you fucking put your finger on it like you took the picture you know

blew me away that was that was that was that was yeah that was classic bald bingo back then

well I think I was you slept in the dog cage in, I think I was in the dog's crate. You slept in the dog's crate. You slept in the dog's crate. I remember that. Yeah, I think we have a picture of me sleeping in the bed with the dog and bingo's curled up in the dog's crate. It was a big dog, just for the listener. I don't know all the Harvey Weinstein shit.

I didn't have her locked in. It was a giant crate with a nice, it was a comfy place. There's days on the road where I would have been happy to have that rather than trying to sleep over a stick shift. Well, much like the dog, it is comforting to know that you're safe. Yeah. I think that was kind of what you, I think you went in there as a lark.

That's what she was looking for. Well, I think it was a lark. It was a rough time of medication. It was a real rough time. When you went in there, I think you realized, this ain't so bad. It's like,

they can't get at me except this one way. I remember it was not a negative thing. It was very positive. Yeah, you were kind of sleeping in the crack of the bed in the little house this morning and only halfway up. All right, you ready to read?

Ah, shit. Hey, we both have books. I know, I know. But I'm just a bad reader. I'm having to do that now where they're starting to schedule press for the book. It comes out, by the way,

Bingo's book, just keep an eye out for it. It's coming out. I don't know when hardcovers are coming out. It's going to go out. The e-book, I think, is going out first. Just keep an eye on Bingo Bingaman on Amazon or whatever. What's the name of it, Bingo?

Let Me Out is the name of the book, and Are You Amused is the name of the record that goes with the book. The record will come out around the same time on iTunes and shit I don't understand. That was recorded at the same time that you were going through a lot of this.

The record was recorded a little bit later, but it was... It was recorded around the time that she was bald and sleeping in dog crates. Robin came here... But it's based, the music is based on a lot of the shit from the book. We wrote the entire record, me and Robin did, in seven days. Because he came out to visit, and we only had seven days to do it.

And we got it done. I remember you calling me from that. I put you up in some hotel yeah you did and you're amazed by it's what was it do you know is it the phone in the bathroom because i remember my first there's a phone in my bathroom and i called my mother from where you're, Tracy's from Grand Junction, Colorado. Yeah. The Hilton there. And I go, I'm talking to you from a phone in a bathroom.

But that was like 1991 or something. This was 2006. You're going, there's a phone in the bathroom. My tits are on TV. There's pillowcases. i can't believe it anyway uh so uh my book comes out uh this is not fame comes out december 5th i already uh texted rogan myself without a publicist trying to be a go-between between me and my friends no pod calling no pod calling i i realized how irritating that would be the first time i did pod calling i go well everyone's they like if there was one twitter guy that's gonna do it this is a funny idea but i

don't want fucking roganan getting a thousand fucking tweets. Hey, Doug Stano, I've talked to you about... He's asking you a question at the... And I don't listen to podcasts when I'm home. I only listen to them on the road. I don't know how to get them at home. You know how to get them. All right, Ichabod's here.

All right, so yeah, don't worry. We'll be pushing a lot of book. But pre-ordering is very important for me. Bingo's self-published. She doesn't need to make a fucking bestseller list. They'll just buy hers. We know it. But this is not fame.

Pre-order it. And there'll be a link on the show notes here where you can get the link to Doug's book. That gets us credit as well as when Bingo's link becomes available we'll tweet it

and it'll be available as well and you can also get signed copies at DougStanhope.com pre-order yeah and the audible will come out afterwards

depending on if you make the if you fucking pre-order this yeah we'll definitely do audible but we gotta we gotta get some numbers for this hard copy.

And the price on the book. Please explain. I was asking Hennigan what we should do because I don't really know what everything is costing and stuff. And then we were discussing it. And he goes, just charge whatever. Charge whatever! Someone bitched. Someone bitched. We have to we're not getting these

like, you know, pennies on the dollar. We're paying what you pay to sell you signed copies. If you want a signed copy off the site we're paying what you paid. And then we have to have it shipped to us, sign it, and then ship it back. So we're paying what you paid yeah and then we have to have it shipped to us sign it and then ship it back so we ain't doing that for nothing yeah there's a reason no one helps you move if

you're a big reader we're we're job creators we got both tracy and denise are able to make a little bit of money by what we do at the store and uh yeah that's that's part of it everyone so uh and we're in the process of streamlining some of the postal stuff, so some of those issues will go away. But yeah, as I said, basically, fuck them. Fuck them. Charge more.

Charge more. And that's where it's at right now. It's reasonable. It's less than a stolen Bible. You buy those fucking things. And we usually throw stuff in with them, too. Yes, we do. All right, bingo.

You want to flip a coin to see who goes first? Yeah, let's flip a coin. Hold on, I got it right here. I'll flip a cigarette pack. Go ahead. Call it in the air. Call it in the air. It's starting up heads up.

Okay. Tails, tails, and tails. Heads it is. God damn it. What does that mean? I get to choose? No, I get to choose. Okay.

Well, what do you choose? I'll let you go first. Don't worry. The whole point of this is we suck at reading. Well, if you say that, I'm okay with it because we fucking blow at this. That's the whole point of this. That's the whole point of this combat. Who's going to suck more when it comes to actually sitting down to record this?

The last one. They don't have to cut out your smoker's hack. So you got that on me. There's no phlegm gurgle. Yeah. With mine, I have two, but you picked them out so which one should i do do the first one do do the do the hardcore one that even choked me up a little bit all right i'll do the hardcore one when you're ready and what what part of the book is this if

you don't know bingo's uh book is a diary yeah uh of what she wrote in the moment when she woke up locked up in a rural Wyoming mental institution. So these are notes and stories she wrote along the way. We're just doing paragraphs here. Yeah. You have to read the whole thing, but that's a good chunk right there. If I can read it okay. Are we ready for this? Yeah. but that's a good chunk right there. If I can read it okay. Are we ready for this?

Yeah, you're just new and getting accustomed to being in a fucked up mental hospital against your will. This paragraph is in the beginning of the book. I was just locked up. Okay, are we ready? Yeah, go ahead. All right. Okay.

I prayed this evening. I got down on my exposed knees that this outrage of a hospital gown will never cover. A gown that I have vowed to wear every day that I am here. So when you all look at me, you will see the amount of dignity I've been left with. Not enough to cover a breast or a knee. I got down on my knees and prayed this evening to a God. A placebo, a sham,

thy who owes me nothing for I've given it back the same. And I've given it nothing for it does not exist. First sign of mental illness, religion. That's delusional. That's hallucinational. That's maniacal. That's foolish and altogether awry. But I got down on my knees and prayed an amazing grace to the amazing who do not believe.

First of all, you read it a bunch of times while we're doing the first half of this podcast. Yeah. Well, pre-read is part of it. I just want to assassinate you and just open up a page and go read now. At the end, Chad Shank is going to be reading both of our books. I just want to assassinate you and just open up a page and go read now. At the end, Chad Shank is going to be reading both of our books. You're probably right. Oh, that would be so funny.

Like without an announcement, mid-sentence during Bingo's audiobook, all of a sudden it just goes into Chad reading the rest of the sentence or the rest of the paragraph. Those who get it, get it. Chad will be reading a piece of her book because she has an excerpt from a book that she read. Borges' book. Yeah, and he's going to read that for me. Oh, great.

Yeah, he's in it. All right. This is just from the intro of my book. Since two of the three of you are here and one of you we were just mocking for gouging you this is just the intro where i explain to uh those who don't know who everyone is here are some of the main people who will come in and out of these stories amy bingo ace yeah i already fucked up amy bing, known in this book as Bingo,

is my gal pal of nearly 12 years as of this writing. She has a history of mental illness and being adorable. She is the soul and the muse of the operation and occasionally the monkey wrench in the gears when her brain goes bad on her. Greg Chaley, only known as Chaley anywhere in the civilized world, is the tour manager. He's known as my tour manager as that is his one job, managing the tours. He also produces, edits, and co-hosts the podcast, runs the website, packages and ships the merchandise from said website, as well as selling it on the road.

He also drives the van, sets the GPS for the next town's gig and hotel, gets us breakfast, makes sure that the gig has sound, green room booze, and that we get paid afterwards when we're too drunk to see. He also finds the shortest route from the green room to where I can smoke and makes sure I have a stool on stage for my drink. He mules our drugs in his anus even though they're usually over-the-counter drugs to where I can smoke and make sure I have a stool on stage for my drink. He mules our drugs in his anus, even though they're usually over-the-counter drugs for heartburn or seasonal allergies.

At home, he's currently fixing the Christmas lights after making me fish sticks. His hobbies include gassing up the cars, picking up my friends from the airport, and running the sound and lights for comics and bands that perform at parties at the house. He'll even fill in on most instruments on any given jam band playing at the house so long as he can get time away from his one job tour manager. And finally, Brian Hennigan, known mostly as Hennigan in this book, is a filthy uncut Scotsman. Known mostly as Hennigan in this book, is a filthy, uncut Scotsman. He's my business manager, who manages business things like book deals, television appearances, and booking touring dates.

That means he forces us to make money. He's evidently sometimes a prick about this with booking agents and in other business dealings, but we try to ignore his barbarous and impolite tactics. Too often on the road, Chaley has been confused for Hennigan because of the common manager title. Hennigan has the benefit of being able to hide his fancy lad Scottish accent when he only has to communicate his boorish vitriol via email then when chaley shows up at the gig the local booker assumes chaley was the asshole the booker had to deal with in order to hire me chaley gets all the dirty looks that hennigan has earned chaley doesn't do any of the bookings he's only got the one job and that keeps him busy enough. I feel like the tension swelling in my neck as I try.

I'll call Audible and tell them we have one and a half pages down. But we might have to cut them over. But you'll learn all the tricks is pause rather than suck air. Pause between sentences, and they'll take those spots out and make it sound like you're just really actually saying shit professionally. We will have someone directing. Yeah. And the thing is that, I mean, we're not showing too much behind the curtain here.

There's a lot of production that goes along with these. That's why sometimes you hear fucking the audio quality change when you listen to an audio book because they've realized, fuck, we already rapped, and this sentence can't be used, and you hear it punch in, like when punching in on music. Yeah, you do it, and you just can't get that exact sound because maybe this guy recorded it at another studio somewhere. But there's a lot of production and that's the great advice

is that don't rush it. Take your time because someone else, that's their job to go through and make this seamless. Let me read your second one. Or do you want to read it? You want to read it go ahead because that one's going to be tougher for you i'm just saying let me read it so i can take a shit i still didn't take a shit yet you were supposed to take a shit i know i took a break i was drinking a cocktail

god damn it okay ready for this one yeah okay hold on hold on no that was good yeah that was good keep all of those in the audio book i got it coming out i remember when we read uh read uh becker and i in the early days early 90s when i found out that i found that audio adventures and we'd rent books on we got naked lunch was somehow rose william burroughs was somehow in a flying J truck stop audio adventures you know and that had to be back when editing you actually cut

tape. Oh that was yeah. And you could hear him he's almost impossible to listen to I don't know the best writers Bukowski fucking Hunter Burroughs speaking listen to i don't know the best writers bukowski fucking hunter burrows speaking that's why they were great writers because he couldn't fucking talk and you could we could listen to burrows coming on and off the nod like where heroines kicking in and then he'd be yeah next chapter

he's all chipper. But that was half the fun. The fucking book doesn't make any sense anyway. Fucking wicked overrated. Great parts. He had good parts. Go ahead, Bingy. Okay.

Are you ready for this? Yes. Okay. She began to decipher for me how Dr. Wheeler is old school. Okay, set it up. I was going to say, where does this lie? Okay, she is a nurse who talked to me about what my next appointment with, oh, shit, I shouldn't say his name. There you go.

Fuck him. Okay, I'll say his name on this. The name's changed in the book, but... All right. Just say what it is. Yeah, just say what it is. Basically, someone's giving you advice on how to approach your next session with the doctor.

Actually, use the name that's in his book because I changed... When I had to change one of my names in my book because I changed, when I had to change one of my names in my book, I changed it to that name. You did, didn't you? I remember that. Yeah. I'm not going to say that name either because if the lawyers hear this, they'll go, which

name is it? So I should say the name here? Yeah, just say any name. Just read it like it's on the page. Okay. This is, all right. Okay. But so you are still confused.

You're going to... I'm very confused. She is the nurse that's helping me in how I should present myself for... Okay. That's in the text. Go ahead. The bullshit that you're in. Exactly.

Here's what's about to happen to you bingo is what she's saying go ahead she began to decipher for me how dr wheeler is old school how he likes things to run his way hadn't noticed how he likes to be referred to as doctor interjection Fuck old school. Moving on. Angel informed me my next meeting with Dr. Wheeler shall be tomorrow morning. She went on to give me advice on how not to get banished from my own therapy session as I did earlier today. Her tips as follows. A, be very respectful to Dr. Wheeler at all times and at all costs. B, always refer to him as doctor. C, bathe before the meeting, look tidy and clean. D, do not wear that dress you came in wearing. Well, I'm sorry. I must have packed the wrong black tie of fair wear in my emergency crazy duffel bag, Sir Doctor.

Sir Doctor Wheeler, Sir Your Greatness, can you deliberate any other possible way I may be able to accommodate you more efficiently during my stay here at your lovely resort? Seeing as how doing time in this 24-hour day spa has relaxed and abated me to the point i can utterly relinquish myself to and for you your grandeur you're fucking kidding me right okay this is what it's gonna be this is how this is how both our books or this is how your book will sound i like that this is how this is how your book's sound. That's good, Bingo. I like that. This is how your book's going to sound. Okay.

Hi, I'm Chad Shank. I mean, I'm Amy Bingaman. We always refer to him as Doctor. Don't worry. We'll work on you about how to hit beats. Okay, okay, okay. I don't know those guys. Don't worry.

See, for the listener, that's what it sounds the first time you try to read your own fucking book on tape. And then you, after 27 takes, it's going to sound like a completely different thing. Okay. I was just testing myself. Yeah, what are you doing? Oh, you open one page.

I just opened to a page. Can you read what you wrote for my book? Can you read that? Oh, you open one page. I just open to a page. Can you read what you wrote for my book? Can you read that? No, no. We're not giving it away for free. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Let's just fucking put it online. I think our cocktails are drifting in, too.

That's always a problem. My only goal for my book coming out financially is to make more than $8 and 72 cents, which was the check that you got that you kept on the refrigerator for three years. No, your, you can tell me if I'm wrong.

it was $10. Even the other check you're talking about, which had, that was one of those residual checks that I sold in an eBay yard sale. We'll have one of those coming up probably in the winter. But you. But it was $10. Someone sent me a check for $10.

For what? For a lyric for one of their songs. Can you do the lyric? And I, like, because I would always, like, wake up and just rap ridiculous shit at bingo. To me, I know. In the morning. Do you remember it? I still do occasionally.

Yeah, I remember it. I would say it. It's so fucking good. Well, because I kept that check on the refrigerator because she had just finished her album. Yeah. So, but she didn't get paid for it. I got paid $10 and I just happened to have a fucking gem that morning coming off the toilet. Okay, come on, do it.

So I gave him the lyric, nigga, please, I'll start a riot because I got omega-3s up in my diet. And he was cooking eggs at the time. He was cooking me eggs. It was fucking crazy. So I remembered that when I got the check in the mail and I go, here's your lyric. And I am a professional songwriter now. So I'd rub it in her face. But you rubbed that in my face.

I didn't cash the check for 10 years. If I make more than $10, I'm going to be thrilled. And I'm going to keep the check up on the goddamn refrigerator. You get to make him eggs. Just say, fuck you. Yeah, right. Right. I don't think Carole King has anything to worry about.

I knew I'd remember it halfway through because you often repeat that. Can we play one of my songs for the end? Yeah, we'll close on one of your songs. Okay, I know which one I want to do. It's just a fun one. Which one? We need to talk about uh playdraft.com give me one of those block rocking beats oh if you're doing another song don't worry

about it no no where you have to talk about play draft honey do you want to get into fantasy football i'll go fuck yourself this is perfect this is this is this is girlfriend fantasy football on playdraft.com you can go there or just draft.com or if you search in your app store draft

download the draft app and you can actually go head to head you can pick Doug or myself or Castle Rock I'm Stan Hope Podcast Doug is Stan Hope

and Castle Rock Kenny is Castle Rock and you can challenge us to draft head to head three player four player five player all the way up. It's as cheap as a dollar to get into a draft.

And it is non- I was going to say chick-friendly, but you know what? Most of- No, this is- That's wrong. I do this to Tracy all the time now, because Tracy is really into hockey knows everything about hockey and for years we've talked about this where we have to go what's the rule on that how does it hey how come they blew the whistle yeah can the guy just come in off the bench anytime how do they do

what's going on and so now I always refer to hockey as a chick sport to Tracy. So she starts to get upset, but she knows she's the only one that knows about hockey and she's a chick. So yeah, it kind of befuddles her when I call it a chick sport. I'm going to freak you the fuck out. Do you remember when I was in a coma and I came out of the coma? I was picking shit on football like a mother fucker. People have been asking on Twitter. I was picking shit on football like a mother fucker. People have been asking on

Twitter. I got everything fucking right. I just came out of a coma. I'll play this fucking shit. Six weeks in a row. You're lock of the week. I'll play this game. I will play this game. We're going on to week seven coming up here.

And well, Packers you know, it's game changer now who the fuck knows what's gonna happen he's and rogers made me some uh real good uh points in the last uh six weeks and then he fucked you oh i got fucked big time but i did really good i'm back i'm back up and i lost one with fucking i see that's why i have to figure out the rules of the scoring of what happens because fucking drew breeze scored 52 points the saints scored and my quarterback wasn't as good as someone else yeah that didn't score 52 fucking points but it depends on the other players because we usually do five players quarterback two wide receivers and a tight end and a running back or something like

that but it all plays into there so if you got a guy that's weak in those five even if your quarterback does good another guy that you're playing against might have a good well i'm gonna talk to chrysler because chrysler's wicked he'll be all over it he'll be at the all things comedy with me and then i'll be on his so i'll I'll get the woodshedding about how the scoring works. But play with us. Drafts start from just $1. So there's a draft for everyone. We're still in the beginners.

Actually, I'm pretty close to getting out of beginners. You might be out by now. Week six, I had 11 drafts. Yeah, they give you like the first 20. First 20. You can do dollar head-to-heads to figure it out. Look, if anything is clear, we didn't know what the fuck we were doing six weeks ago.

And now we're like... Well, at least I got it on my phone now. I didn't know how to delete shit from my phone to get the draft.com app. Are we doing a commercial? Yes, we're doing a commercial. Okay, I'm sorry. You already did the right thing.

You said you're going to play. We'll let them know. When you have a username, they'll invite you to drafts and they'll come home and fucking... You don't have to sit there. You're not tied to your phone. If you want to do a head-to-head with Doug or I,

just put it on autopick because we'll figure it out when it comes up and then you don't have to sit around and wait for it. If you want to wait, go ahead and wait. But when we finally join, we'll do it. You can be usually late at night and we're drunk. I'll wait for you faggots. I'll pick my own goddamn thing. I got it.

You can do that or you can do... You play real live snake drafts with other people just like in the season. Can we please stop? Do you want me to just... I will tell you what I'm going to say. For our LGBT community She shouldn't have said

Bingo's had a traumatic brain injury So occasionally she blurts out faggot And when I was a young songwriter I used the N word inappropriately But I used the A at the end I've fucked more women than you You asshole Hold on a second

And LGBT is B brain injury lgbtbi there's two b's lesbian gay traumatic brain injury hey come join us on draft today download the app anytime just search draft in your app store and join a game in minutes or play right from your computer on playdraft.com whatever you want or you could uh maybe uh get a college scholarship and actually play football uh and do some fucking roids but you're not gonna do that you're never gonna be in the nfl the closest you're gonna get to the gridiron and fame and fortune is playing with us. For a limited time only,

all new players get a free entry into a draft when you make your first deposit. You're going to keep doing that. What's the limited time? Right now? I'm sorry. As far as we know, it's a limited time only. All right.

And soon it's going to be $1,000. Sorry, I hate this. That's why I wanted to do a morning podcast where I had all my fun. For a limited time only, all new players get a free entry into a draft when you make your first deposit. But you have to use my promo code, Doug, because all the other people that push this, well, their promo codes work too.

You have to use my promo code. No, we want our listeners to use our fucking promo code. I know. Can't we just say that? We want you to use our promo code Doug, because it's shorter than other people's. Yes. D-O-U-G. And I have to spell that out for a lot of my people. That's right. Play a real money game for free just using my promo code Doug

on your first deposit on Draft. We couldn't make this longer if we had Bert Kreischer's wife. Just search Draft in the App Store or go to to play draft.com and come play free with promo code. Doug D O U G nailed it. You know what I was going to say is just, Hey, can I get your credit card to play for this?

Because remember when I was in rehab and they asked me, yeah, yeah, I know the bits in my act. Oh, okay. Well, you haven't been on

my fucking show i know you have no bits you have to use me because you you got nothing you got nothing nothing i'm back i'm alive i'm ready to write your fucking bits jesus christ uh for those of you who have uh uh heard my act on the road, the part about bingo, yeah, that's the part I'm talking about. There's something evil here. What do you want to do? You want to take a break? You want to close it? Close out on bingo.

What's the song? Hold on. Get back to the mic. Get back to the mic, Dingo. If you're going to get a drink. All right, I'm going to get a drink. We're closing on our song. What's the song?

Sunday at the Ward. This is where I am a... It's a gospel tune, and I'm the fucking preacher. So it's Sunday at the Ward. Do you have permission to play it? Yeah, of course. No, we have to do that now. Oh, really?

You have to ask me. I had her sign a lot of paperwork in the coma brain rehab was her signing a bunch of contracts I'm your agent Doug's there like Radar O'Reilly no no no

you're just here initial here initial here and it's like me with like a Muppet stick on Bingo's hand duct taped to a pen

mostly B's but sometimes just an X puppet stick on Bingo's hand, duct taped to a pen. Mostly B's, but sometimes just an X. Make your mark. All right. Get back out and do the trash as you are contractually obligated to. And Chaley and I will play this out with a song from Bingo.

Can I get an amen? Amen! Religion, theology, creed, sacrifice, morality, superstition, prayer, spirituality, devotion, persuasion, rites, cult, mythology, whatever the fuck you want to call it. We are here today to praise and applaud, to glorify a great man. Amen! Amen We are here today To give thanks to a deity A God A medical monotony

For all patients in Pilate's war Good God Almighty I want you to bow down I said I want you to bow down Get on your knees and pray Praise Rejoice in thy doctor's name Blessed be his word

His diagnosis The great man who preaches the covenant Behind law and key. Amen. Praise, praise. He is all praising. For if you become the chosen Lord of State and those doors slam behind you, you will witness each vowel and each consonant from that oh-so-sacred patient's bill of rights

swift and fall to the floor. Amen! Dr. Almighty will walk you into the light of relishment and violation. Pass the wicker basket and confiscate all of your finances in collection along with your soul. Can I get a hallelujah? Hallelujah! Can I get a hallelujah? Hallelujah! Can I get a hallelujah? Hallelujah!

I'm not going to waive any names, any numbers, or dollar bills around in your presence, for I am without you. I have no authority, no legal tender, no influential persons who will act upon my path. And I found you involuntarily. Amen! I am impotent to your omnipotence. And since I am not committed to state your name for the record in front of this congregation because of doctrine, because of dogma, because of unfortunate common love, I will say mine. Amy Christine Bingaman, one of a thousand names to fall through your dirty crack after being shoved into this disabled system.

Amen! Amy Christine Bingaman, one of a thousand names that should haunt your every synapse each time you lock your front door. Amy Christine Bingaman, but you would only know me as patient number one, zero, one, one, zero, three, one. You would soon remember me And I'll make for god damn sure You'll remember the others The other patients I was locked up with. Some that wept upon merely hearing your glorious name. Amen!

Amen! Amen! Hallelujah! We are gathered here today to hypothesize this divinity of doctors in the vein of his very teachings, in the pain of his preachings. I want you all to bend over. Bend over that there hospital bed and let the almighty doctor, you know who the fuck you are, do what he does best. Penetrate the sick and the weak

with implement far more disturbing than his cock. Amen! Bend over and allow him to finger-fuck your soul without a solitary drop of lubrication in the name of his profession, in the name of reverence for a fellow human being. Praise thy befouled doctor, this revolting specimen of man.