The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #232: ATC Comedy Fest LIVE SwapCast – Guys We F**ked & Doug Stanhope Podcasts

Episode Date: November 3, 2017

All Things Comedy COMEDY FEST presents Guys We Fucked Podcast with Corinne Fisher & Krystyna Hutchinson recorded at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, AZ. More here - http://www.sorryaboutlastnightcomedy.com/guys-we-fucked/ Recorded Oct 28th, 2017 at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, AZ. This is a SwapCast with the Guyes We Fucked Podcast featuring Corinne Fisher (@PhilanthropyGal) & Krystyna Hutchinson (@KrystynaHutch), and their guest Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), and Al Madrigal (@AlMadrigal). Produced Stand Up Live. Edited by Chaille. Want more “Guys We Fucked”? Buy their book “F--ked: Being Sexually Explorative and Self-Confident in a World That's Screwed”, by Corinne Fisher and Krystyna Hutchinson. Available on Amazon.com - https://www.amazon.com/cked-Sexually-Explorative-Self-Confident-Screwed/dp/0062666916/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1509667372&sr=8-1 Pre-Order a SIGNED copy of Doug's NEW book, " This Is Not Fame: A "From What I Re-Memoir"" at - http://bit.ly/2AwBH3y This episode is sponsored by ProFlowers.com - To get 20% off their best-selling Cinnamon Cider Roses or any other bouquet of $29 or more, go to ProFlowers.com, and use promo code “STANHOPE” at checkout. More Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List. LINKS: Chad Shank Voice Over info at AudioShank.com Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Stand Up Live and another special welcome to our first All Things Comedy Comedy Festival. We got a great show lined up for you tonight, but before we start, we got a couple of reminders. First, no shouting out to the stage. Please keep your table talk to a minimum and no photography or video of any kind. All right, Phoenix, are you ready to rumble? and no photography or video of any kind. All right, Phoenix, are you ready to rumble? Coming to the stage, it's your host of the Guys We Fucked podcast.

Give it up for Corinne Fisher and Christina Hutchinson. Hello, Phoenix, How you guys doing? Oh boy, good to see you. Oh, you got the book! Thanks for getting the book, you guys. Thank you. How you doing? Oh man, I missed my flight this morning. Yeah. Baby's first missed flight and woke up in a panic. That's always a good start to the day.

I made the flight. Yeah, she did. And then I was like, well, and I got a flight like a couple hours later. I might as well smoke a lot of weed in my apartment before I go. That's why you were very calm about it. Yeah. I noticed something was up. I was like, seemingly you would be a lot more upset about this.

Yes, and Steven texted me like, oh my God, just calm down. Just breathe. It's going to be okay. I'm like, I'm fine. But then I was in line for the security checkpoint, and the guy was waiting to go through the metal detector, and the guy was like, step back, miss. And I stepped back, right in my hand,

walked right into this old elderly Asian man's's penis uh-huh and i just full on cupped his dick for like a couple like a second but like that was a long and he goes and i was like oh sorry that didn't mean to do that and then right post security i was like i'm gonna get a massage and then it was a young guy at the airport, like, you know, those airport massage places. You know, I know. I'm just, I'm following the story. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then he put my hand behind my back, you know, to stretch me, cupped another dick. And I was like, did he do it on purpose? Right. But also, this massage rules. So I went with it. That's always being a woman. You're like, am i being sexually harassed

right now i'm not sure like i don't i never know it was a very soft penis so right fuck you right right i was wearing a slayer shirt and i looked great yeah there's a lot of i don't know that's why so christine and i we went to uh we went to a haunted house before we came here tonight because uh we're responsible and that was our preparation for the show and like i i know i'm so old because i was walking through the haunted house and like i was like mildly scared of the people jumping out but like the real fear in my heart that i was not voicing was a this if there's a fire we're all gonna die true didn't think of that glad you didn't say that and then b uh every person who jumped out at me that

was a guy i was like this could turn into a sexual assault see i want i paid for right we don't know so you asked for it i was aroused this is the every time i go into a haunted house i'm like this is kind of hot and i was like corinne at one point i turned to corinne i'm like corinne just stand still and let zombies walk towards you they can't really touch you that much and it's kind of hot yeah I know because I would have lost focus

if someone had touched like a part of my body I don't know I don't like one guy grabbed my ankle and I was like stop it fucking tease you're part of the problem

I am it's so being a woman there's a lot of intricacies that go along with it. God, I don't know what to do. All right, guys, just a heads up. I did order this skirt online, and it looked a lot longer. I think the people have spoken.

No, it looked a lot longer, and I'm at a point in my career where I just pack one outfit, and no matter what happens- That's what you're going to wear. That's the outfit you're wearing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So a lot of times I end up wearing sweatpants and a jean jacket, because nothing fits when I take it out of my suitcase. But we're going to work, whatever.

I have a bodysuit, and also you guys basically know what my vagina looks like from the hearty descriptions I've given for the past four years yeah let those lips fly baby no surprise no surprise um what is there anything else about thoughts on phoenix i don't know i walked around i masturbated in my hotel room you were late and still had time to do that yeah holla at your girl yeah priorities i didn't have well i mean i just had no interest i ate a shrimp burrito that was my masturbation i ordered room service and then i masturbate i was like i gotta get done before they come because i gotta come before they come so it was like a race to the clock how long does it take it takes me like 15 seconds what the i mean when i do it

myself it's like i mean barely any time i mean i could 15 seconds I do it myself, it's like, I mean, barely any time. I mean, I could... 15 seconds? I could, yeah. I mean, it's really, like, I could do it really fast. And you don't even watch porn? I mean, it would take longer if I didn't watch porn, but then, I mean, like, 10 minutes max if I'm really going really slow. And I keep thinking about, like, my parents or something.

Well, see, I've been doing a lot of research on our guest, Doug Stano, for the recording, and I keep thinking about my parents or something well see I've been doing a lot of research on our guest Doug Stano for the recording and I've been listening to a lot of his albums and his podcasts and then I had a story of his popping my head in the middle of me masturbating and it threw me off a lot and I was like oh clock's ticking

so then I whipped out I really am trying to masturbate to not porn but I always whip out the phone it depends who I've seen I didn't see anyone really I really am trying to masturbate to not porn, but I always whip out the phone. Right. You know? It depends who I've seen throughout the day. I didn't see anyone really, except for an old Indian couple next to me on the plane, who were very delightful,

and I loved their romance, but it didn't make me horny. Oh. Well, to each their own. Yeah, the guy did have very beautiful eyes, and I was going to say that, but I was like, he doesn't need to.

Yeah, he didn't need that. He doesn't need to know that. He doesn't need that. Like, as a woman, you know there's a lot of times when someone said something and it's not necessarily unkind but you just didn't need to know that about yourself.

That's good, think him before you speak. I wish more people would do that. Yeah, I didn't want to sexually harass him. So at the beginning of our podcast, we usually read an email from a listener who needs advice but because we are here today, is there anybody in the crowd who would like to come up on stage?

There's stairs, I think, on both sides. No, there's stairs there. That would want to ask us for advice. There's so many of you here, and I know you have problems. Come on. I read your emails. Or you can make something else and do it. Yeah, you want to do it?

Come on. You're right there. Yeah, just walk up. Hey, girl. Grab a seat. a mic how you doing you look lovely thank you i dressed up for you actually really i never wear dresses or boots but you always wear cat ears i like that she that she was like i don't usually dress like this but it was the dress that was throwing everybody off not not the cat ears the cat put the mic right it like a dick like you're about to suck it but you don't suck it let's see that's what i tell people so what's your name my name is april april nice to meet you thank you for coming um what's what's your problem all right i have a little problem right up to your i'm i'm dating a comedian that is a problem wait is it you is that guy right there we're not gonna put him on the spot because i was talking earlier i mean

it's high it's hard to hide a comedian in an audience they're just the one that looks uncomfortable and has no hair or like a lot of hair that's not working out. So, okay, so you're dating a comedian. Okay, so we're in an open relationship. And actually, I got the idea from you all when I started listening to your podcast. Oh, okay. You're welcome, motherfucker. Yes.

I swear, I swear. Wait, was it open from the beginning? Or was it, were you monogamous and then you opened it? I was monogamous. i was in a long-term relationship six years no no no with him with him i don't care about your past okay well i don't either i mean unless you're molested but that's not we don't have the time okay so it was open actually at the beginning i didn't know what it was, right? So after listening to your podcast, I was open to the idea of having an open relationship. Okay.

Because I listened to you and Steven's relationship. Oh, yeah. And it kind of gave me ideas. Okay. And so that's when we actually spoke about it. And we decided to have an open relationship. So it was open from the beginning? Yeah.

Okay, cool. Yeah, it's like a month in when we talked about it. was open from the beginning yeah cool yeah it's like a month in okay when we talked about it and so my only stipulation was that i needed to know if he did do something with someone right before or after i don't know okay before before before i'm about to get my dick sucks that cool yeah yeah okay for like for health purposes right i mean i just wanted to know yeah and you also like wear a condom you know like you know make sure and ask like what's your stat when was the last time you're tested kind of have that conversation that's important okay so my only stipulation he broke and he decided not to tell me and the way i found out was through his and

i'm not even one of these crazy women who like look through people's instagrams or like anything like that i was in a class i'm taking real estate classes right and so like i decided to like go in and look at his cute little instagram look at his face and a smile and whatever and then i accidentally clicked on the uh what is it the tagged photos instead of oh yeah and then his dick was out and No, no, no. Chill, chill, chill. No dicks. But there was a really hot girl. You accidentally? Yeah. There's a pretty far apart. I was fucking knowing what I was doing.

No, I was not snooping. She had a spasm. She was like, I can't stop. I can't stop. Why do I know his password? Stop at hand. She was possessed by a hand. Stop at hand. She was possessed by a demon.

Okay, sorry. So you accidentally saw his tag photos. I was in class, and I wanted to see his cute little face, right? And then, you know how there's the middle one where you can see all the photos at once? Yeah. Well, my finger, my fat finger, touched the one where it's fat. We're looking at your finger right now, so we know this is a lie. It's not that fat, yo.

Not even that close to being fat. So picture you click on there's this hot girl in his kitchen drinking wine and i was like what the fuck because and he didn't tell you he didn't tell me yeah and so he has a podcast himself please send nudes you guys should check it out oh gosh Oh, gosh. Okay. And so. I hate you both. The fuck was that? So, okay. So, did you talk to him about it? Okay. No, I didn't. I decided to stay. Is this the first time you're hearing about this, sir?

No. I decided to stay quiet about it, right? Okay. And I just like marinated in my own. That never goes well. Super healthy. Yeah. I marinated in my own thoughts.

I was going through real estate school. Like an intense, like, nine day. We got that part. Yeah. I went going through real estate school, like an intense, like, I went to real, I got my license. Yeah. And so I'm a mom of two. Okay.

So you got a lot going on. I'm busy as fuck. Like I don't have time for that shit, but I was marinating in my own thoughts when I did have time and I was really upset. So like I didn't text back or like, I didn't really give him any attention at that time. And I was getting angrier and angrier.

I know what that's like. When his podcast came out on Tuesdays, I think it's Tuesday. We don't even have a schedule for the fucking nudes podcast. We get it. Please send nudes. You guys should check it out. Alright, what's the problem?

I heard he kind of slipped in that he had a girl over. Okay. And he watched a movie with this girl. And then I went into like super detective mode. And I was like, when the fuck did this movie come out? And I was like, oh, when did it come out on DVD?

When did it come out? I was like, oh, October 9th. And then this girl posted this picture of herself drinking wine in his kitchen on like October 9th. And I was like, what the fuck? I was like, we've been dating since August. Oh, okay. And he never told you. So did you talk to him about it yet?

I did talk to him about it. And then what happened? I was just mad. And then what's the problem? He sent me Lululemons. Lululemons? Yeah. Workout clothes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Workout clothes for betches. So I would have dropped him, right? But my situation is we're going to Chicago together. You know he's right here, right? Yes, it's weird because he's right there. And we're like talking about him like he's not right there. But we're being completely honest, right?

We're being honest. Because... So the problem is... Okay, so the problem was we're going to Chicago November 9th for a wedding. Okay. And so like, I was like, it'd be really super awkward if I like completely dry. I tried to break up with him. Right.

Uh huh. And he did all these. So fun for me. And I hope it's fun for you too. No, but he redeemed himself. Like he did all these sweet things to like, he's like, I love you. You know, all those text messages. He said, I text like, I love you. You know, all those text messages. He said, I text you, I love you.

What a goddamn knight in shining armor. Give him a golden dick statue for boyfriend of the year. Give him a little bit more credit, okay? So he saw that I like museums online. Because on my Instagram stories. He saw that you like museums online. You guys do a lot of communicating not to the face, like not in your presence.

It seems like you guys just learned of what each other is doing from Instagram. That's so weird. Are you guys both catfishing each other right now? What is the part of this situation that you would like our opinion on?

Little known fact about me, I like museums and sometimes ice cream. I'm a crazy bitch. Girl. Oh, God. And I suck a dick. It's all good.

Whoa. Okay. My situation is, should I go to Chicago with him? Did you already buy the plane ticket? I bought the plane ticket. Did you buy the insurance for the plane ticket where you can take it back?

I did. You did? Yeah. Why? Because you knew you didn't want to go? I was, no. Whose wedding is it? His friend's. His friend?

I mean, you're here together. I'm sure he could find someone else. He was like, he has girls just drinking wine in his kitchen. No, that's what I'm saying. That's what I thought. That's what I thought, you're here together. I'm sure he could find someone else. It seems like he has girls just drinking wine in his kitchen. No, that's what I'm saying. That's what I thought. That's what I thought, right? Do you want to be in an open relationship or not? I do.

What do you want? Think from your pussy. No, I do. I do, but I want to be told. I want to be respected in the fact that I asked for one stipulation. You had a rule and you broke it. One. Why did you break that rule?

If you mention your podcast once, I'm kicking you both out. I thought I could hide it. There's your answer. There's your answer. There's your answer. That was so honest. Thank you. That was honest. I do appreciate it, but also...

That was so honest. There you go. This just isn't going well. Yeah, it's not going that well. It's not going... I mean, the reason I asked you when you started the open relationship is because I personally

am not into open relationships anymore. However, if you are going to execute them, I think it's really important that you need to be in a monogamous relationship, I would say for at least six months to a year before you open it up. Because when you start it open, just no one takes it seriously. I mean, I've never really heard someone who was in an open relationship from day one where it lasted for years and years and there wasn't a lot of going behind people's backs because so much of a healthy relationship is built on trust and in an open relationship you have to have like 10 times that trust so you just got you hadn't built it yet you didn't care about each other enough not so fuck around it just seems

like yeah i guess like you know if we have a plus one for a wedding i'll take you but yeah because if think about it though if i have like i like for a wedding I'll take you but yeah because if think about it though if I have like I like I I've been talking to my boyfriend of six years about possibly opening up our relationship not just for three ways but for for other things like us each fucking people without the other person there but because we have that trust if he if I had a rule and I said or I said hey if you're having a bad day and you just and I'm on the road and you kind of think I might sleep with someone or whatever and you don't want me to, tell me because I won't because I would rather not hurt you and keep our relationship intact

because that is my number one priority than to do so. So in this instance, like Corinne said, you didn't have that trust and your bond wasn't built enough for him to go, I don't want to hurt her and then he just did it anyway. So that is that. that you got to start from you got to like restart if you want to be in this relationship and i think you should restart monogamous so you could at least build that bond you know what i mean he also seems stressed out because he needs fodder for his podcast so so i hope that helps no No, it does help. Okay. Thank you for coming on stage.

Thank you very much. What? Yeah. Can we turn the mics up a little bit? Thank you. Check, check, check, checkity, check, check, check. Is that better? Is that better for the people in the back?

Okay, cool. Test one. Okay. One more person with a problem. I see a hand right there. Yeah. That person who's getting up is the person who won. Oh, there's stairs on either side.

There are stairs on either side, so whatever one's... I think that Corinne's side is closest. Do-do-do. There's a lot of room on that side, if you notice, so it should be fine. It's so fun because I can witness

your awkward conversing after the fact that you just did this. And it's making my heart sing. It really is. Did you give him a hug? Heads up, you were doing that? Oh, damn. How you doing?

Pick up the mic. What's your name? Roxanna. Roxanna, how you doing? I'm doing good. What's your problem, Roxanna? I just want to say one thing before we start. Do you guys remember, you guys were here about a year ago.

We do recall. You guys remember right after your show was over, some crazy drunk girl went into that room. Yo, was that you? I was legit scared. We have PTSD from that, no joke. I was just telling our agent that. I was like, that was the first time I ever felt physically threatened by a woman. It was kind of nice, but also terrifying.

I thought that was my Selena moment, but I had not reached even close. I know. We were like, we still have more to do. Don't shoot us in the head. Yeah. Well, I just want to say that. And I want to apologize. I was really, really drunk that time.

Oh, thank you. Because that was really hard for me. And I know, I think the podcast I followed, I think it was probably in Canada or something, and you talked about how you guys felt. And I felt so bad because I really did not mean it in that way. I just wanted a picture. Aw.

We forgive you. I'm glad you're here. Thank you. What's your juicy ass? And thanks for coming back and having the pussy to come up here and tell us that. You got pussy, yo. What do you need advice on? So I think it's something very simple, and maybe you guys can help.

So I just got off of a six-year long-term relationship. Sorry. So I'm kind of like, I don't know how to be single. That's just straight up what it is. And so, you know, maybe if you guys could share maybe, like, one move or maybe something that, you know, maybe tricks here and there. Like, I've been at the club or at a bar or whatever and kind of thrown, like, one of these or whatever. But it doesn't work. Wait, wait, wait. What did you just do?

Wait, you don't want to fuck me? What did you just do? Wait, you don't want to fuck me, right? Did you just touch your knee? Like, one of these? What was that? It was, like, one of you just touch your knee? One of these? What was that? It was like one of these. Wait, one of these?

Yes. Oh, sorry, sorry. I'm sorry. Got it, got it. Like you're about to suck a dick, but you're not going to suck it. All right, got it. Okay, well, I hate to break it to you, but this move went out of style when the Spice girls disbanded um

so that no longer works but i appreciate the throwback uh so i'm guessing when you when you uh were single last time their dating apps weren't really a thing correct right okay so because i was gonna say i was like going out to bars and stuff it seems like most i mean even when i'm single i don't i don't date because i'm just more hoping that no one will notice that I'm alive. That's my own issue, though, and I'll talk about that with someone one day. But I think that most dating is going on via some sort of app these days. Have you tried any of those? I've not.

I don't know. I'm not much of a fan of meeting someone, like, online or through an app. Totally. I'd rather have, like, an in-person interaction. Yeah. Do you have hobbies? I was going to say, if it's not at a bar, because meeting people at a bar, the success rate of that is usually low.

And the success rate of dating apps is low, too. But if you come into it with a sense of humor about it, and you understand, look, 85 to 90% of the dates I'm going to go on are going to be a fucking joke, and I'm never going to see these people again. But if you go into it with that attitude to go on are going to be a fucking joke and I'm never going to see these people again. But if you go into it with that attitude, you're not going to be disappointed. So then when someone comes along that you're like, oh, I don't hate you, you're like, what the fuck?

And you're pleasantly surprised. I've heard okay things about Bumble as well. Yeah, because a woman makes a first move on that app. Yeah, so if you're going to do an app I would vote Bumble number one. I would never do that because I hate talking to people but it seems like you really like making a forceful entry.

Yeah. You do. So you're pretty good at that. So no moves at the bar. None of this. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I just feel like the people left at the bar are the people who no one swiped on. So they're like, let's try a darker atmosphere.

And that's why they're at the bar. Because it's all the secondaries that are like um wait do you like what's your career uh i'm studying to be a counselor okay all right so you can't meet people that way um can't fuck your clients um the bad news is there's no help for your brain the good news is mama's's single again. You wanna fuck? Yeah, do you like, I mean, do you do any extracurriculars? Yeah, do you do anything outside of school?

It's like you're in high school. I mean, I moved to Phoenix like two months ago, so I'm mostly in school all the time, so not. Okay, okay. So wait, did you fly in

to break into our dressing room last time? I drove here. I was from Tucson. So it's not too far. That isn't Salinas Chanel. Okay, okay. So wait, did you fly in to break into our dressing room last time? I drove here. I was from Tucson. So it's not too far. That isn't Salinas Chanel. Okay, okay. I would give the dating apps a try,

but I would understand, like, it is unnatural and odd to swipe over a person's face. That is a weird way to start out. But if you don't, if you're really busy, I think that's a really good option as long as you go into it with a lighthearted sense of humor about it and not let...

It's easy to let a bad date bring you back. Like when you're a comic and you do a show and it's just a bad show and you kind of feel like you go back a year in comedy. For dating, I feel like it does the same thing because I was on OkCupid for a while and I went on a shitload of dates and boy were most of them horrible. But they were hilarious.

So I had that attitude about it to begin with, which helped. One bad date didn't make me go, oh, dating is pointless. Because I had that kind of pep talk with myself beforehand. So I would recommend that. Yeah, and if anything, even if you don't meet someone, I think it'll get you used to interacting with other people in a way where romance is on the table after being with the same person

for six years. So it's just kind of it will maybe get your self-esteem not that your self-esteem is down, but you're dating self-esteem and confidence up. And just get you used to what people in Phoenix are like and how hopeless the situation is. You get a gauge.

You're just going to give yourself a barometer. So it'll be good. Thank you guys. Thank you. Thank you You get a gauge. You know, you're just going to give yourself like a barometer, so it'll be good. Thank you, guys. Thank you. I think that helps. Thank you for coming on stage. Thank you so much. We forgive you. All right, ladies. Oh, hold on.

All right, hold on, hold on. Let's take a break, and we will be back after these messages. I'm sorry I hate to interrupt the podcast when everything's flowing so smoothly. Pro flowers. I always tell you somewhere to send flowers. Don't send them on Valentine's Day like a trained douche.

Send them when they least expect it. And since I don't have a good example, every time that we're in a green room like we were several times this weekend at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Brian started this. Brian likes to hear shit talk. So we always ask the waitress at the Improv or the Funny Bone. They have one wait staff assigned to you to take care of you. And we always ask, who's the biggest douchebag you ever had to work with?

Who did she say it was? I know who she said. Who? Joe. Yeah. Which I was. I fucking hated that guy since that thing

in the fucking 90s so I was happy to hear it oh shit we gotta take that out why cause I'm gonna what we did once she told us that Chaley

Chaley it wasn't your gig it wasn't your gig. It wasn't your gig. I can't blame you for this. He was a diva. People that don't tip. And we go, yeah, we always want to know who the biggest douchebag you had to deal with. And then we always tip well, but we forgot.

What? No, we didn't. Did you tip her? Yeah. Oh, good. Then I don't have to mention her name i was going to say send her pro flowers hold on a second you can do both you know well yes no now i'm going to have to say her name and then she's gonna hunt her down and kill her oh yeah but we we usually preface like a fish wrapped in newspaper we usually pre preface this goading them into telling us the biggest douchebags

by telling them, we'll never use your name. We'll never put it on the air. I did tell her that. No, this is like a confessional. Well, you know what? I lied, but I didn't use your name. Nice waitress that we did tip out, but that nice guy, John, that helped me everywhere.

I said, ah, shit, I bet Chaley didn't tip her out because you're out doing whatever weird thing. Not working. I know. The weekend off. So I told John, the nice comic guy, email me her name tomorrow and I'll send her money and I saved the email and you already tipped her out,

so fuck her i'll tell you who's the last person i sent flowers to on our behalf who her name's debbie oh tell us more is this one of your secret conquests no when we don't hear from you for seven to ten days and when i call you you don't get ring ring you get whoop whoop because you're in some weird fucking tahiti or tango or debbie is eric greenspan secretary ah see that's the important point you don't send flowers to the person that's the fucking linchpin you send flowers to the person who hands the linchpin a mallet and debbie that's our big, jewed-up lawyer. Yeah.

Debbie, who is Eric Greenspan, one of the most magnificent lawyers in the continental United States, is the conduit who we deal with. And we send flowers to her. Good work. Do that. Use pro-flowers to suck up.

How do you use pro-flow someone want to read that's your copy you i know but i'm my eyes are all your glasses are on your head no but these are not these are my real glasses now for distance because i had to take my contacts out because i had fucking rock salt in my eyes again so now i have to hold the this close to read it well while you pre-read it i'll just tell you that right now is a perfect time to order flowers for anyone, for any occasion. It doesn't have to be everything. It's fucking Halloween.

Why is that a perfect time? It's fall, and a fresh bouquet in their favorite fall colors would be perfect. My whole angle on these reads is you don't want a perfect time, especially when autumn and Halloween is not a perfect time. Any time is a perfect time.

Hence the perfect time. But if you're deconstructing what you're saying, your non-perfect time is the perfect time. That's what he just said. And you can get the cinnamon cider roses or go with the classic, like the 100 autumn blooms or a dozen autumn roses. Did you know they had autumn roses? Why don't we just send pumpkins then?

They have that too. Good. Pro flowers can send pumpkins? Well, I mean, for the sake of this conversation right now. Sure they can. Yeah, they can. And the best thing is Doug's listeners get 20% off any of Pro Flowers' unique bouquets of $29 or more. Pro flowers? I didn't even know this.

They guarantee that their bouquets will stay fresh for at least seven days or your money back. And you control the delivery date. If you say, I want these sent a month from now, two months from now. All right, I can't do the math on that. I was looking for a scam. Like, say you know you're going to be attending a comedy festival, and you know you're going to need to apologize to a lot of people. In advance.

In advance, you might send some flowers. You can set the date way in advance. Maybe you have someone serving in wherever we have wars going on. Niger, apparently. Niger. And you know they're not going to. You send flowers to the family knowing that all the red tape to get the body back

is going to take so long. It shows you made the effort. Then you get a refund because they couldn't get the body back is going to take so long. It shows you made the effort. Then you get a refund because they couldn't get the body back for like 34 days. And then you get free flowers, but they... Let's highlight on the point that pro flowers gives you more bloom for your buck. Big, beautiful flowers, more stems for your money, and long-lasting freshness lasting freshness again the whole idea about programming things every we all fucking forget things right exactly particularly birthdays and shit like that for people who are meant to be important in our lives like our moms and sisters and wives and

things but uh that's you can just put it in withFlowers way in advance and forget about it. They'll remind you annually as well, Brian. I'm with you. And you know who does that? People that are busy, high rollers, they're working night and day. People like Eric Greenspan, our big, chewed-up Hollywood lawyer. He doesn't order flowers for his niece's birthday. Debbie does. I know, exactly.

And they use ProFlowers. And they use the promo code Stanhope so they can save 20%. I'm not going to hit the beat right there. You know, I was going with the cheap angle. I said Jude up too many times. Everyone wants to save 20%, Doug. Everyone. Everyone.

How do you do it? How do you control the media? By saving 20% by using the promo code Stanhope. Go ahead, Chad. Make this right. To get 20% off all bouquets of $29 or more, go to proflowers.com and use the code STANHOPE to check out. That's proflowers.com and code STANHOPE.

Oh, I have to say it again? Wait. Oh, that's it. Yeah. Sorry. I thought they had a clever tagline. All right. I got one.

What's that one? You thought this podcast was sponsored by ProFlowers. This was an entire podcast about ProFlowers. All right, now let's get back to the podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, I am so excited to bring on our guest this week. He is somebody I've wanted to interview for a very long time. He's one of my favorite stand-up comedians. He's the host of the Doug Stanhope podcast.

He has a book coming out in December called This Is Not Fame. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Doug Stanhope! What up? You're here. I was like, how are you going to get through to this show now? There's obstacles. There's so much going on now

There is a lot going on Thank you You covered her pussy with your jacket Doug was very concerned about My skirt the whole time Thank you that's very nice Even the stripper knew to do that. Right.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's the worst thing you can do. That gives you more. It's legs together and down. I was watching on the TV back there. I learned that in orchestra. You still showing. Pussy.

There's nothing there. I have a bodysuit on. This podcast is going to end right now. What? We're all going to fuck? We're going to have to get. What? We're all going to fuck? What? We're going to have to get his side of the story. Oh.

But that's at the end if I remember. We'll save it. If you remember. I'll remember, Doug. Don't you worry. I feel like I'm in a fucking Asian nail salon right now. It's like, you know when you're getting a pedicure and they're like, you are- They don't want to see your pussy.

You're comfortable with what you're wearing, but they're like, we are not comfortable with what you're wearing. And they're comfortable with we are not comfortable with what you're wearing. And they're comfortable with a lot of things. I'll take it back. I can't see that right now. And also, everyone in the audience was like, is he slut shaming her? I don't know. He's nice.

I'm so committed to this podcast, but also I love Dale Stanhope, and I don't know what to do. Let's go like this. Is this better for you? No, no. Is this great? to do. Is this better for you? No, no. Is this great?

I'm sorry if it's a distraction to me personally. I'm also sorry if it's a distraction to you personally. I'm not. I hope it is. How you doing? So let's, I have a lot of... I want to do a, was anyone here for the Bill Burr podcast? Just now. So for this podcast, we're just going to promote other podcasts that happen.

Including guys who are not even invited. We weren't, I know. No. A girlfriend is a guest and saying my boyfriend's. Yeah, everyone. But I wanted to say about the last guest that you had, the second guest you had up here, I wanted to make the call back about, I guess you lost 116 pounds.

All right, you weren't here for the Bill Burr. When he was reading the thing and the girl was on Tinder and lost 118 pounds. I mean, does this look like Bill Burr's audience to you? That's why I asked up front, but they evidently didn't stay till the end because they would get the podcast that was that girl. I want to know,

I want to start from the beginning with you specifically. How did you learn about sex? When did you get a boner? What was it like when your dick got hard for the first time? Because I feel like it's a good story. The first time I remember jacking off,

and I'm glad you started with that. Can you... Wait, you didn't watch porn? Well, I try not to watch porn. I try to not watch too weird of porn. Like, I'm at a place where I rarely fuck. Really? I have no sex drive

and if I do have that urge, I jerk off to porn quickly. 15 seconds? Was that you? Get it out of me! I don't want... I made so many bad decisions in my life based on

just a boner and men when they're aroused and men when they're not aroused two totally different kinds of men fuck them first that should be an app fuck them first let's fuck in 15 seconds and then get to know each other cause then you'll get to

know the real person yeah cause when they're all horned up they're saying shit that's not true exactly you just i'm sorry you sell i'm trying to stop myself from doing bits i've been doing this so long that i immediately think oh i already did that as a bit but i i used to say they should have coffee cans jizzoons at at bars, where if you find yourself lying, you can just jerk off really quick and go, I don't care if you grow your own asparagus. I was pretending to be interested in your conversation.

I think a lot of more honesty would happen if that was the case. Absolutely. Have you ever told a woman a lie because you were so aroused and you wanted to fuck her? Well, here's where we get into the climate, the Harvey Weinstein of a million other people, where I had Jamie Kilstein on my podcast here

who was accused of fucking girls on the road, basically. Oh. But they hyped it up on Jezebel. What dude has not had to manipulate on some level to get laid at all? The first time, you're always manipulating, whether it's the most... I am too.

Well, that's what I wanted to ask you, lady, since this is the guys you fucked. Have you ever tricked the... It's the guys we fucked. You is the general you. It's the we fucked. You hate me. I think the problem with the Jamie Kilstein issue, though, was that Jamie Kilstein is one of those people, like, very social justice warrior-y.

Yeah, he Jerry Falwell-ed himself. Yes. Yes. We've already been over. I don't want to recreate that. I was going to ask you, have you ever manipulated a guy, like a guy that you know he's kind of doing this

only because he's drunk, and then the next day he doesn't call again? Well, I mean, he called. He called to be like, did we do that? No, I mean, I've said on the podcast, it's really hard because I'm like, I was like, have I raped someone? Honestly. It's like, you know, when you get into the drunk, when we're both drunk. When you get into the drunk, you don't know.

You don't know. That's why I'm always really nervous when both parties are drunk. How do you know what the fuck happened? See, when everyone's drunk, I say it's a wash. Well, you're the only one. Ladies are the only ones. It's a wash. Ladies are the only ones who have recourse.

Because I guarantee you, every comic I know has regret where you don't have, oh, I was too drunk to consent no one's gonna buy that well I never had that I have lied I actually lied this one guy Maurice he was on Broadway

you fucked someone named Maurice yeah but it was so hot I fucked a girl named Carmen once and I regret just the name Carmen she sounds like a hot person Carmen once And I regret just the name Carmen She sounds like a hot person That's because I'm thinking of Carmen Electra Oh that's cute

Oh I didn't think of that Carmen San Diego Oh I'm thinking of Carmen Electra No but I was I was kind of He was on Broadway So he had a decent paycheck And I was like shit broke

Like real real broke But I was telling him that I Make money doing comedy And then I was like Oh this rounds on me and then my cart got declined but he still fucked me though so that's good

it was cute that you tried I think I really did yeah that was a typical Christina fail when I started comedy I never knew there was the other side of the coin where someone might fuck you because she knows you're leaving town. I think Hedberg had a bit like this.

A lot of women like that. And I was the one that went back like the jilted girl. Oh, I have a week off after my Walla Walla Washington gig. Victoria Smith, if you're still out there somewhere. And what'd she say? She was like, I thought you'd leave forever. You can stay on the couch, I'm going out.

Wait. That's sweet. I'm famous. I was on a stage before karaoke started. Wait, how many times have you used the line, I'm famous? No, I'm being ridiculous now. No, I'm being ridiculous now. No, I was just hoping that you actually had.

I do the other way. When someone goes, he's famous. Have you ever had that? Yes. Where do they go? Don't you know? And then you go, no, stop. She's famous. Well, if you have to ask, you're not famous.

True. Very true. Absolutely. So you're a stand-up comic. You famous? Well, no. Nope, you're a stand-up comic. You famous? Well, no. Not doing well. You asked me. No. I always say, in certain circles.

That's good. On the internet. But wait, back to your first boner erection, jerked off. Or time jerking off. I had technical sex when I was nine. What?

We knew we knew it was wrong to do. Who's we? Me and I can't remember her fake name. How old was she? Like nine too though? Yeah, she was nine. Oh, I used to do a bit about that that never worked because they go,

I fucked a nine-year-old once, true story. And then everyone gets uncomfortable, and I go, it's okay, she's nine too. I had to put this story in my book, because in a live audience, it did not work. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But we knew it was wrong, and I remember technically achieving penetration. Okay. Wow, nine, that's the earliest I might have heard with sex. Yeah, I didn't know.

I used to say 11 until I wrote my first book, and I did research, and I go, oh, we moved 76. I was born in 67. We were fucking nine. Oh, my God. It's a fun story. That's my first book.

I hate saying shit i've said before but yeah i ran into her at a gig oh did she one years later and she brought it i didn't think she'd remember and she brought it up in the first two i was like she's probably been in therapy for years that's what i would have thought yeah she was cool as shit seven or eight i had a friend a neighbor his name is steven he lived across the street from me and he was my best friend but we would I would have thought she was cool as shit. When I was seven or eight, I had a friend, a neighbor. His name is Steven. He lived across the street from me, and he was my best friend. But we would play this game called husband and wife.

But we didn't know what penetrative sex was. I didn't learn that until way later. Too late. But we would do this thing where we would get on top of each other, and we would just touch each other over each other's clothes really quickly and then pretend to kiss. Our mouths were right there, but we didn't make out. But I feel like had we known what to actually do, what then, like, pretend to kiss. Like, our mouths were, like, right there, but we didn't make out. But I feel like had we known what to actually do, what adults actually did, I don't know, maybe we would have fucked.

Nora knew more than I did. Oh, really? She was the one that my first kiss, she said, kiss me, and then I kissed her like your grandpa would kiss me. And then she goes, no, kiss me like Captain Kirk from Star Trek. Oh, shit, Nora. And then she showed me how to put tongues in each other's mouths, which was gross.

You learned that at an early age. Wow. I was 16 or 15. Damn. 15 when you first? Tongue kiss, yeah. Oh, when did you fuck? 16. I know who said those were

close together. Yeah, right after, but yeah. Wow. Drinking leads to dancing. Right. So did you jerk off before you had sex at 9? Yeah, no, it didn't feel like anything. It was putting your finger in your ear, the old joke.

There was no cum. We just knew this was wrong, like throwing eggs at cars. We knew that was wrong, too, and we did that. Was your dick hard? I didn't cum. There was a second time when I was probably 11 or 12. I didn't cum until I was 13. That was the third girl.

The third girl you fucked? But I learned to jerk off before that. Okay, so you had an orgasm before the 13-year-old said that. I learned to jerk off the third girl. The third girl you fucked? But I learned to jerk off before that. Okay, so you had an orgasm before the 13-year-old thing. I learned to jerk off like a girl. Do tell. What, did you just rub the top of your penis head? You just rubbed the circular motion? How you rub up against a thing

in the fucking jacuzzi. The jets? Did your dick get stuck in the jets? The shower head. Well, we were kind of white trash, so they had what's basically an enema tube coming off the shower so you could spray it. And if you sprayed it right at that fucking tip of your dick

for a while, that was the first time I actually came. I almost came in my first homosexual experience around the same time when me and a sibling that I don't talk to anymore. He's my only sibling. And then a friend. Yeah, we all blew each other on a fucking overnight.

You know, I've heard of that, though, guys. They're like circle jerk when they're kids because they're like, I don't know. And then they'll never talk about it because they're like, was that gay? And it's like, oh, God, relax. Yeah, my brother couldn't make me almost cum, but that other kid did. How old were you when you had your first homosexual experience? It's before 1980. I was 13 or less.

And were there dicks in mouths? Or was people taking each other off? Yeah. No, you blow me, I'll blow him. Okay. Like a circle blow. You blow each other, yeah. Just say, uh.

Did you know how to give a proper blowjob? Well, my teeth were a lot smaller, so it was probably way better than it would be now. I see. Okay. All right. Did anybody come? I didn't know what coming was then. Okay. So that must have been before I figured out that shower hose thing. Because that's the first time something came out. A lot of times early masturbation

will carry on in your adulthood. I humped everything and a lot of times I can't get off unless I am just really pressed hard against something. When I think I fucked myself up. Did you find that problem? You're like, I can't come.

Trying to make a girl come? I never found that problem. Trying to make a girl come? I never found that problem. Trying to make you come. If you came the first time with water under the tip of your dick, did you find it challenging to come other ways when you got older? Well, no, I was 12 or 13. You could come in anything. Fuck a melon, whatever.

No, it's now, that's why I asked you about porn in 15 seconds. What porn did you masturbate to? Yeah, seriously. Variety. We're not dropping names here. Well, lately I've just been... It was mormongirls.com, I think.

See? Multiple Cs? Yeah, because I like to get a little bit weird but not too weird where I'm gonna get sad nobody gives a fuck about Mormons it's a fine line well I knew they weren't real Mormons that's why Mitt Romney is not the president they weren't like real Mormons

they were like in Mormon costumes it's like if you went to like colonial Williamsburg like real Mormons. They were like in Mormon costumes. It's like if you went to like Colonial Williamsburg, but for Mormons. And like, it's like everyone's wearing costumes, but you can see the girl's like rose tattoo on her ankle. Yeah, so she ain't Mormon. So you know she's not Mormon. Tiffany ain't Mormon.

It's like she had to take out her septum piercing for this booking. The opposite would be if you're into MILF porn and they put a 30-year-old girl in there with a good tit job. No, the MILFs I've fucked are MILFs. They're wrecked.

They're fucking... The same way Stern always talks about he's into babysitter porn. I am too. The wife lets the husband fuck babysitter. That's my category as a lady. I've tried it just based on his recommendation.

Is that the kind he likes though, with the wife lets the husband? No, he's stepmom fucks the kid. Whoa. However, I just watched one. Right. But the problem is with that kind of porn, you're disappointed that it's not really a babysitter. Right.

It's a MILF in pigtails. Right. But if you watch MILF porn, it's the same, not quite a MILF, not in pigtails. Right. Okay. There's no integrity in porn.

You ever go to click on a video and you're like will I get bullseye by the FBI if I click this? I don't worry about that. I just want to make sure the girl is like If Mitt Romney was president, you'd be worried.

So true. So you've been fucking for a while. No, I've not been fucking for a while. You started when you were nine. I know, and that's why I think I ended early. I'm 50, and I haven't given a shit. When was the last time

you gave a shit about fucking? Coke. Wait, I thought Coke made your dick soft. It does. That's the problem. Are you horny and soft when you're on Coke? Well, I thought Coke made your dick soft. It does. That's the problem. Are you horny and soft when you're on Coke? Well, then you go, well, Viagra, but I live on the border in Bisbee. You'd have to cross the border to buy some fake-ass Viagra,

and by then you could have just jerked off in 15 seconds. Right, okay. Such a fruitless endeavor. Fucking is so pointless. Once you've been through the cycle. I hear you, but you also have a long-time gal pal, as you call her.

Yes. So do you not fuck anymore? Maybe once or twice a year. Really? But are you both cool with that? For her. Your sex drives are compatible in that way that you're both like, yeah, once a year, twice a year.

She would prefer if I tried. She hates that I don't try. If I tried, she knows the results are... She's told me openly I never made her cum. And I go, good to know. In 12 years? Yeah. Did she fake it up until she told you?

Yeah, a lot of times. And then would occasionally, like me, when you're having too many cocktails, you tell the truth. How did that make you feel? Like I don't have to fuck her anymore. I could just jerk off in 15 seconds. You're just like, well, I'm not good at this.

When was the last time you got real aroused? By myself? Oh, I'll tell you. Oh. Yeah? I hadn't even jerked off in for so long. How long is that for you? I think it was when I did the babysitter porn thing.

This was, I don't know, a month ago. I haven't even told no one this ever. Yes! In the last month or two, I'm jerking off because rarely am I alone. I have a lot of people around me. So sometimes you panic jack. And you go, okay, I got a minute.

I hear you. I wasn't even gonna, but it's been a while. No one's here. It's to the point where even being alone makes you horny because it's so rare. I hear you so hard. So I flip open and I try to, it's funny you say that when you,

what are they following me on? When you jerk off to you porn, the most disconcerting thing is recommendations for you. Right. When I go to newser.com to get my news, all of a sudden they know that I buy Rockport white loafers and I get all these ads. And I hate that invasion of privacy.

Yes. But it has nothing on recommended for you femdom strap-on. You're not supposed to know about femdom strap-on. And this is, I believe, the day that I went

curiosity, change of pace to babysitter, stepmom, something porn. And I think it was a stepmom fucks her kid porn where, but she's all in latex. Like her stepkid, right? I didn't get that far. Sometimes the plot is a little murky. It's that genre.

I don't know if it was part one or eight. We'll contact them. Throw a fucking hand towel over my shirt because I'm too lazy to take off the shirt. Wait, you jerk off and it lands on your chest? Yeah. So wait, are you like this? Can you demonstrate for us how you jerk off?

Laying down on a bed, but it goes that way. Well, I hope it goes that way. If it didn't, I would be a sideshow. Are you a squirter? No, I mean, sometimes. I was like, mine just leaks into my ass crack. What is everyone talking about? I don't know where all this going places is.

My pussy's not a Dr. Seuss book. What the fuck? Mine went in the other direction. Does your dick have like a curve or is it straight? Right at this age, it used to have a curve, but it doesn't get there. Wait. Oh, it doesn't get hard enough? Yeah, it doesn't have the full potential.

And that's another thing. I do want to know my aging dick. I'm not motivated anymore. My dick was so much bigger, probably by an inch and a half bigger. Because when you get fat, and I'm only like 140. I was like, you're not fat at all. I'm fat around the, as Brendan Walsh coined, fat upper dick area. Yeah, this pouch, that takes a fucking inch off your dick.

All my fat's right there. Do you shave your pubes? Unless I have a reason. The reason is to make your dick look bigger. I was going to say that. Oh, it's not. The reason is to make your dick look bigger. I was going to say that. Oh, yeah. It's not. The whole thing's disgusting.

That's another reason that I don't want to fuck people is because I don't want them to have to experience just me jerking off by myself. I'm like, oh, God damn it. This is so gross. My body is such a heap of shit. I don't do any exercise. That's all up here. You seem like you're in good shape. I'm not going to take my clothes off to let everyone know you're wrong.

I'm not saying do it, but... No, no, I'll just... Come on, you got to beat the peeing. No, no, I'm not... You are not fat at all. I'm not doing it. I was going to let you feel like just this. Take a look her off?

Did you ever see the movie? It was Repo Man. It's either Repo Man or The Dark Backward where he's eating chicken that's rotten and it's falling off the bone. That's what my flesh is like. Here, feel it. Go ahead.

Like your grandma's underarm. But that's my whole body. It's a little jiggly. Do you want to get to the part where I cum in my own face or not? Yes, please. I'm watching this stepmom porn and I'm not into it. I'm into something that's vaguely like it

because the lady's dominatrix-y like in some fucking hot latex and I hadn't jerked off in so long and I fortunately have poor eyesight. So I'm wearing my reading glasses with my laptop half off my chest. And I'm jerking off. And it cascades over my spill blanket, my red lobster bib, and goes over,

splashes this lens, and goes over enough to fuck up my contact lens. Welcome to being a woman, Doug. Yeah. I thought those days were over and never for my gender, but there I was.

Did you have to take out your contacts immediately? I'd never take my contacts out. Actually, as you say it, I realized, no, it was this eye because I have Chalasians that fuck up this contact all the time. And then I go, oh, I have an excuse. If someone says, hey, your eye's all red.

Well, I've had that problem for a year. Long story. Yeah, jizzed in my own eye. What else do you want to talk about? Wearing safety goggles. Have you ever jizzed on a woman's face in your lifetime? I had a gal.

I did have a girlfriend that wanted me to do that. That's another thing about you porn, porn hub, red tube, earlier point. I was saying, recommended for you, that's why I change up. Red tube, you porn, porn hub, the other one. I change up because I want one of them to be something that wasn't weird that's recommended for me. So I feel like a normal human being. Okay. What's the weirdest porn you've ever watched?

Oh, well, we're comics, so that's different. Yeah. I made Andy Andrus vomit back in the VHS days. Someone sent me a German shit flick where I would put it in the VCR. I go, hey, you're going to watch this. One time I did it to Chili Dog Dave Dennison. He runs that comedy club up in Washington.

And I go, hey, this is my new promo reel. Take a look. And he's so daft that he just sat there watching it for as long as I could let him take it. Waiting for you to come on. And I shut it off when the joke should have been over, and he goes, that wasn't you. You're fucking missing the point.

What is on this port? Is it shit? Are they eating the shit? They're eating shit, and even back then, I knew it was fake shit because it was a montage, but all the shit was the same consistency. Oh. It was like fours. I know.

I look. I can spot bullshit. No pun. Can we get a, what are you, you're drinking Jack and Diet Jack on the rocks Jack rocks, Jack diet And I'll do just a Double Jack with tiny splash of Coke

Can we do that? Can we do that, Steph? No one's listening Does anybody hear us? Well, if it doesn't come in five minutes Do any of you I know this is not my audience, but do any of you gals actually jack off to porn?

Or are these role models? Wait, I look at porn all day. I know, but I don't know if your role model's guiding them down a porn road. No, they're probably crazier than us, and we're like, why don't you take it back a notch? Why don't you write some stuff on a piece of paper? Just so people know about your legacy. I understand that there's a huge problem

with female comics hitting that wall of, well, chicks aren't funny, etc., etc. But do you also... Wait, whose wall is this? The wall that you created when you said chicks aren't funny? The one that Jezebel writes about. Oh, Jezebel? We don't even, like, when anybody ever asks us that anymore,

we don't even entertain the question. Like, that's the downside of being a female comic, is you get asked that fucking question. Do you feel the same that I feel a safety being a comic in being able to say anything? I wouldn't even tell my girlfriend

who I'd tell anything about. I just jizzed in my own eye. But I feel comfortable telling any comic. I feel very comfortable telling anybody but I don't feel comfortable like political or social jokes on Twitter. Every time

I press send on Twitter, even if it's not that bad I just cover my eyes and go well, I'm going to go do an errand now and see if my career is over when I get back. Yeah, I'm going to go to Whole Foods and see what happens. A lot of times when they come to our comedy shows they're like, this is the first time I've ever been to a comedy show.

And for me, comedy is supposed to push the boundaries of what you are comfortable hearing. That is different from what we talk about on the podcast. So if they see us live or if we say something comedic on the podcast, a lot of times it will get misconstrued sometimes. But to me, good comedy pushes. It offends you. I like being offended.

I enjoy it. I'm talking about not that wall, that wall. When you're in the green room, the only time I feel openly comfortable is talking alone with comedians. Yes. Where you really say anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the shit we could never fucking say out here.

There is something to that because I can say, when I'm hanging out with my comic friends, thank you so much, I can say, it's almost a battle of who could say the most fucked up thing. And I love that. That makes my heart flutter so hard.

And sometimes I carry that into other conversations with non-comics. And I'm met with like, wait, what? Right. And I don't get in trouble or anything. That's why I don't hang out with non-comics. Yeah, I understand that. My two best friends are

not comedians, but they are accustomed to what I say. Your circle of friends is on that level of comic. Mostly gay men too. I feel like the only other people who can hang out with comedians on the same level, drink as much, and say the most fucked up things are gay men, in my opinion. That's what I think.

And I've hung out with her gays. She is correct. If the whole world were gay, I would be a misogynist. Oh. I would be a misogynist. I would be a misogynist because lesbians do not share any of the same social mores that gay men

do. It's very different. It's very different. Whenever I'm hanging out with lesbian people and my boyfriend's there he always assumes they hate him. And I'm like, stop. They don't. Stop.

It's fine. They do. They're like, why am I in the room? I think they do, actually. Well, I say they don't. I have a big lesbian following. Wonder why. And I don't know.

But I don't know. Anytime I can get through to lesbians, that's like my biggest achievement. Making a lesbian laugh is like, wow. It's a hard-earned laugh. It feels good. It is a hard-earned laugh. Yeah, it feels good. I wrote in my book, when famous people like you,

it's like when black people like you. It's somehow better. It's better. I don't care if all the fucking white dudes in the world wearing their fucking misfits t-shirts those are my fans if a black person likes me

I'm funny finally I'm finally funny yes because it's good to know my voice reaches a diverse audience and that to me is priceless that is so that's the biggest honor and you only have to reach a small sliver now.

That's kind of the great thing about so many channels of fucking YouTube. Content everywhere. Everywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you can find your small sliver of audience, you just run with that. Hell yeah. I don't ever do fucking spots at the comedy store i go to party with comics hey you can do a set you can bump so i don't want to do a set fuck regular people i

found my audience i made my bones and uh yeah i'll go oh yeah speaking of that i actually wanted to talk to you about uh so just for laughs you run a festival called Just for Spite it's been a lot of years right that's amazing but I never what was the impetus what happened

that you got in a fight with Just for Laughs because I'm dying to know I will only tell you this if Al Madrigal is in the room and comes up and shares his story

god damn it is he here alright you go look for him I'll tell my story I and it's in the book oh I gotta push Is he here? All right. You go look for him. I'll tell my story. And it's in the book. Oh, I got to push their book.

If you order it on your phones before midnight, they'll make the New York Times bestseller list with their New York, new book, Fucked. And then the rest, yeah. Being sexually explorative and self-confident in a world that's true. Don't you have to... Amazon doesn't really work towards those numbers. It does.

I've heard conflicting information. Alright, order it anyway. They talk about guys they fuck. That's why you're here and you're hearing a dude talk about jizzing in his own face. I'm sorry. When I did Bill Burr's podcast once, I immediately apologized because I love his podcast

except when he has a guest. I want to hear Bill Burr. So if you're a lady feeling the same way, we can get in a lady chat. Well, you were saying that you had researched us and you had questions. Well, yeah were saying that you had researched us, and you had questions. Well, yeah, now I have a... The question was, who are you?

Who are they? Okay. Well, I got to... One of them was when you were in a dude's shoes as far as fucking someone, and they don't call you... Oh, yeah. I got to that, and then it went nowhere.

So I bailed on that. That was the only question you had for us? I can't remember the other ones. I told you I wouldn't. Okay, well I have a lot of questions for you. So we heard that you had a book of girls that you fucked? Yeah. A little birdie named Gary from

Howard Stern. Yeah, Gary from Howard Stern told us this. It was like a ask Doug about the Polaroid book. And I was like, what? No, that's Gene Simmons. I don't have a Polaroid book. What? Gary? Gary?

No, I have my first photo album. Who the fuck is this? Al Madrigal. I'm joking. Sit, sit, sit. Come here. Al Madrigal and I will, if you want to, they asked why I did the Just for Spite Festival.

Sure. You don't have to, you don't have to. How's it going, everybody? You don't have to throw down. You don't have to go public with this. But we were just talking about this. Just for Laughs is a big in their own eyes comedy festival. Oh, yes. I love this. They comedy festival. Oh, yes.

I love this. They love themselves. Oh, my God. Oh. This is not working. Here. Oh, yeah. Is this working?

I got invited. I think this story is way too long. It's going to be like her story without the panty shots. Okay, it's cool. I'm good.

Thanks for having us. Here, come sit on my lap. Do you want to be top or bottom? We'll do it like this. Two guys, one chair. It's so weird. Have you done, ladies weird have you done ladies have you done

Just for Laughs in Montreal it's the biggest comedy festival if you ignore outside of North America and fuck off Edinburgh which is way bigger

I love you this story is way too fucking long I don't know why I brought you up here I don't even care I'm dying to know this. We committed.

Let's tell an abridged version of it. They used to be huge. They used to make deals. Roseanne Barr would go up there and get a million dollars for a sitcom and then have a sitcom, and you'd all know her. I got cast. I went up there in 2002. I got cast in a sitcom the next year.

I had done nothing. I was working for my parents' family business. I went and did a showcase. Then I had my own TV show the next year. I had done nothing. I was working for my parents' family business. I went and did a showcase. Then I got I had my own TV show the next year that never aired. It was called The Ortegas. But stuff happened up there. It's like the NBA draft for young comedians. They did this

whole thing called New Faces. And there is stuff that's rewarding that comes from that festival. But it's sort of tapered off and those deals have gone away. But what happens really is they get all of us up there and they really don't pay us any money but it's sort of tapered off and those deals have gone away. But what happens really is they get all of us up there and they really don't pay us any money. It's kind of like the NFL Pro Bowl.

Nobody watches it anymore. I was thinking, you do like a girl thing. Yeah, what's the girl reference to that? It's like if the Kim Kardashian sold sunglasses. It's like skating if Tonya Harding was not beating someone in the knee.

I'm sorry. I just realized that this audience is 90% women. And no one gives a fuck about comedy. Welcome to Guys Who Fucked. And the dudes that came with them. Let me cut to why are you asking? Because you think it's interesting to them. You have an angle on the question.

Oh, no, I don't have an angle at all. I've given up and I just personally wanted to know and I didn't think I would talk to you again. They gave us both eventually really embarrassingly shitty deals. They offered us both about the same amount of money to do full runs at our own travel expense

for money that I made less than I made my first triple gig at a Bozeman,

Montana fucking open mic. Yeah. Let me put this in terms of you guys. 1100 bucks for 10 one man shows

at the biggest festival ever. If you've been working at something, you've been doing this longer than I have, but I've been doing my 20th year as a stand-up comedian coming up. So I've been a stand-up for a long, long time. And to get offered $2,000 to work for, to do 14 shows or anything like that is embarrassing. With your paying your own flight, hotel. Imagine doing anything for 20 years

and then having somebody offer you way less than you actually are custom-training. Pissing in your face, basically. Yeah, it was an insulting offer. So they insulted you. Okay, yeah. I know everyone's going, $2,000 to just talk shit when you're drunk?

Sounds like a good deal to me. Yeah, but after all the bullshit, you maybe go home with 75 bucks if you don't tip. Yes, you're right. So anyway, the point being, so what we're trying to do here and what you ladies have experienced

is that this is for you guys. This is something that we're doing so that you can actually make the money that you're accustomed to earning. And we want to treat the comics and all the podcasters like they should be treated. And all things comics. Oh, I forgot to mention, Al Madrigal also stars on the hit Showtime show, I'm Dying Up Here. Great show.

Really good. And he's also running this festival. I forget that part. You're running the fucking festival. Great show. Really good. And you're also running this festival. I forget that part. You're running the fucking festival. Minor details. The amount of people that just clapped for my TV show are probably the same amount of people that actually watch my TV show. It's a good show. We watch your show.

The stand-up community loves that show. I really love that show. And the stand-up community is about 2,000 people. Very small. Very few of them have show time, but we really like it. I just want to pop out and say thank you. Thanks for having us. We're trying to do something that's a little bit different and treat all the comics right.

And that brings you this show here. And I thank you so much for fucking coming. You guys have no idea how excited. This is year number one, but we're going to do this as long as we can. And we're going to make it weirder. Do you want to say anything about your dick while you're here? Like anything about your cock or sex? My cock? I've been married

for 17 years. How is it? My wife is half Korean, half Greek. I'm half Mexican, half Sicilian. We have kids 15 and 11. And my wife is this crazy fucking tiger mom that I can't control. Do you have pictures? What's that?

Is she on YouPorn? Is she Mormon? She is not on YouPorn. Damn it. I'm only into Mormons. Damn it, Al. I don't know if anyone's been married for that long, but it's the opposite of YouPorn. There you go.

Thank you, Al. I should have been. you, Al. I should have been... Thanks, Al. Thanks. Al Madrigal putting this whole festival together along with a bunch of other people I should thank. Let me... Unless you had something better I'd like to close on

since it is the flavor of the day. Can you... Since you talk about guys you fucked, can you think of if the roles were reversed any time in your career where you could be in that same pickle of you sexually harassed someone well i i today i accidentally grabbed two cocks. Please tell. But one, I was just saying earlier, like I backed up, and my hand was just right there, and it just cupped the guy's dick.

Oh, wait, you just told me this. That was the TSA. That was the TSA. Well, it was a passenger, fellow passenger. But he was like, ugh. But there have, I mean. You did it wrong. I cupped the dick wrong? how do you do it correctly?

I don't know if the guy responded by no it wasn't it was more like yeah I think it was shock I mean I feel like he wasn't expecting

a lady to cup his dick or anyone probably he was just trying to get on a flight well you know there was I mean and I had told this story before but I did get a massage recently from a a lady to cup his dick. Or anyone, probably. He was just trying to get on a flight. I had told this story before, but I did get a massage recently from a young man, and it was the most arousing thing in my life. He's not that young.

How old is he? That sounds terrible. He's an adult. Okay. I was like 25. No, he's like 30. Whoa, he looks great. Crazy! And that I was so aroused by the end of the massage that I almost wanted to make out, but that would have been sexual.

I didn't, though, but I didn't. I had the thought, and that's what women can control themselves more. I do think. Oh, I want to get so deep with you guys. Let's go, let's go. No, no. I don't.

Oh. Because if this was in your living room, this would be a four-hour Chrysler marathon where we're going to get into the specifics of, I think, a lot of... Don't do it, Stan Hope. Do it. We did Chrysischer's podcast yesterday. He was calling Sick to Work podcast. Brought up people out of the audience. Higgledy-piggledy. One girl we raped came up.

It's coming up in comedy a lot. It comes up in our lives every day. And some lady went, so we brought her on stage because she had a point of view. While she's up there, someone else came up. He had a story.

God, I fucked it up. 12 years old was 12. When they were, it wasn't a 12-year-old person. There was someone who was raped when they were 12 by their teacher. Okay. And everyone's laughing. Oh.

Yeah, that's not funny. Okay. Because it was a dude. Right, okay. I see what you're saying. Oh, that's fucked up. No, they were laughing then. We're an all-chick audience.

Of course they're not laughing now because they set it up to make you... Here's my point. I'm not turning on the crowd. I told you backstage... It was like a Mary Kay Letourneau type thing. Exactly. And I tried to make the point that it's almost...

Someone else in their 30s got that. I was like, what? It's almost... Someone else in their 30s got that. I was like, what? It's anti... To say that that kid knew what he was doing at 12 because he's a dude. I agree with you. Well, that's why masculinity

fucks men up a lot of the time because it's like, well, I was supposed to like that, so it's going to be... But he did. He did. And to say that a 12-year-old girl couldn't have the same mentality is sexist. I understand what you're saying.

Do you see what I'm saying? Right. So a 12-year-old girl, well, she doesn't know what she wants. But a 12-year-old boy, he's a boy. Of course he knows. But a 12-year-old in general could say they want a lot of things that they don't fucking know. Well, this guy was 29, and he's going, yeah, I loved it.

Blew me first, fucked me after. But that, I think, is a result of the idea of masculinity. And also, a lot of times, the way you feel about something, I think a lot of it has to do with how people react to it when you tell the story. That's my point. You're hitting the point yeah i'm very smart is how much of sex see this is exactly what we shouldn't be doing

in a live audience at late at night they want to go on out and show off their fucking halloween costumes i'm interested in this how much of sexual assault when it comes to women is because how you're viewed as being sexual people. If you go out and fuck a bunch of guys, which is what your podcast is about, you're whores and you're sluts and you're wrong. But a guy going out and fucking a lot of chicks is a hero. And when does that become okay? When is it okay for a 12-year-old student that went, I knew what I was doing. But I think it's not,

the reason why he's saying it's okay is because a guy goes out, fucks a lot of chicks and he's a man and a girl goes out, fucks a lot of chicks. She's a whore. That's why I think, I almost think he's living up to that expectation of, well, men, I was macho. I was a fucking 12-year-old who nailed my teacher.

Like, that builds up. I would still be bragging about it, though. I was the 12-year-old fucking... But see, no matter how you're reacting to it, in both instances it's the adult that should have made the appropriate choice. So no matter how the child reacts to it, I don't think matters.

It's like the adult needs to make the responsible choice to not fuck a 12 year old. Right. This is where I... And that woman who had sex with that boy I've always... Yeah, she's in the wrong. When I was 12,

a 30 year old woman was icky. Right? Like you always generally, without manipulation, I know. Without manipulation, you fuck within your weight class. You're 15,

you might fuck 22, someone put an arbitrary number on where, but yeah, you're 15, Here's something I'll get into. Ew! She's dirty! Ew!

She's elderly! You're 52 I'll get into something I've never gotten into Before I don't think in depth I think the crowd's about to turn on us I know when tabs go out No no no it's fine When I was 12 when I landed in middle school

I fell madly in love with my English teacher And I had him 7th 8th and 9th grade And I legit Don't stand, 8th, and 9th grade. And I legit... Don't stand so close to me. I tried. I wanted him to want to fuck me real bad. I didn't even know what fucking was necessarily. But I was

in love with him. Honestly, I was reading we did a bonus episode of this podcast where I read my old diary entries and I was like I was creeping on him. He didn't do anything inappropriate. There was a couple instances where he touched my shoulder. I wanted it to be so much more than that.

I dreamed of the day he wanted to have sex with me, to be honest. But what if he really did try to have sex with you? Would you still have been that smitten? She would have probably thought I should have been better at it. As an adult woman looking back at it, I would have been like he shouldn't have done that if he did. I feel like it would have been like Saturday Night Live,

two wild and crazy guys. You just keep hitting on people, but then when someone finally takes you're like, what the fuck is happening? That's how I envisioned that. There was an instance that we had these lock-ins for our theater class. This is, I'm going to reveal it a lot, but that's fine. Whatever.

That already sounds bad. Oh, we had lock-ins at this school. They were sleepovers. They were sleepovers, like co-ed sleepovers. With the teachers? Yeah, yeah. And we shared a pillow one night. I also had that.

And in retrospect, it's like, what the fuck is going on? It's really fucked up. There's a lot of fingering happening at lock-ins, just FYI. Very weird. Not for me, though. I couldn't get it. We all had homes in the town, but yet the rehearsal went so late that we needed to sleep on the floor in the gymnasium.

How could we ever make it the five minutes to our homes at 11 p.m.? Quickly,gest age difference between who you fucked younger and older? 15. 15. Older or younger? 15 years older. 22 years older than me. Alright.

Mine was 17 to 44. But I loved it the way... Yours was 44? When I was 17. Oh, okay. Wait, how old were... Whoa.

17 and... I can't do that math right now. Yeah, I don't... 60-something. Early 60s. So that's in my first book. Yeah. Okay.

But I was creeping on him. Like, I was creepy towards him. I don't know how he felt about it. I'll never talk to him about that. I know, getting chatty out there. But I know there might be some dudes here that are not here because they get drug here. Oh, is that the fucking orange shirt guy?

What? Oh, is that the fucking orange shirt guy? Whoa. There's an orange striped dude coming in. I go, I have matching underpants. Anyway, there's some dudes that never get laid ever in their lives. But, okay. I'm with your story. Yeah. So if a lot of those guys

become teachers because they just want to help, they're sad and they go, I hope you don't grow up like me. But also, if you never get laid, like the fact, and a 15-year-old girl

is creeping on you. Go ahead. All right. I see what you're saying. Because have you ever, I grew up and I looked back at all the teachers that I had crushes on in middle school and high school on Facebook because they're still commenting on my statuses.

And I go, what the fuck? Shout out. What the fuck? Who, I would never, like I would never fuck these people now. Right. You know? But when you were 15. So you have a great point.

No, you do. And I was a creeper. I was a 15-year-old female creeper. Nobody ever looked at that guy before. And all of a sudden, I know it's wrong, but you can see. I mean, I wanted at the time, I really did. And according to my diary, especially, I really wanted it to happen. It's positions of power, yeah.

Yeah, but also, I was always obsessed with older men. She has to, that's my point. In that position, if you have some dumpy old guy that I'm just good in the special ed, I assume you were special ed, and now this really hot girl, she has a helmet, but she's really hot, and she's trying to fuck me. You have the position of power. But I was not old enough to realize that. I was not old enough to realize I had a position. I was not old enough to realize that 15-year-old pussy putting on the plate is a position of power.

I never knew that. And a guy who never got pussy wouldn't know that he's in the position of power. But he's an adult. There's levels of adult. Very true. Very adult. There's levels of adult. Very true. There's a lot of people that are dumb as fuck. The fact that you're a stand-up comic, both of you,

means we're smarter than everyone in the crowd. As you're getting a little tense, I wanted to make it worse. No, but there is that weird... As you're getting a little tense, I wanted to make it worse. No, but there is that weird... It's weird. Fucking dumb people at every age.

Oh, yes, for sure. And pussy is a powerful motivator. And I didn't know that, though. I didn't know that pussy was so... I didn't know that I had gold right here. I don't know. I've never heard of your podcast, and I'm here. Thank you.

It's a pure sweetheart. I'm so used to not having home field advantage. I just want to stay here until you dig this ditch even deeper. Yeah, let's dig it. Nothing makes me happier. I truly love it. I don't know why they're clapping because I'm on your side. Actually, that was a backhanded compliment that I'm saying that you're both very attractive women.

And that was the joke. Oh, I didn't get that at all. I wasn't making a backhanded compliment. I'm saying it was the power of your beauty that brought me to your podcast. And you're just looking for the fucking insult. No, see, I just thought it was because we're chicks. I wasn't insulting you. It takes a very talented comedian to bomb confidently.

Oh, I'm not doing comedy. Let me take the question back too late. When I said, have you ever found where if the roles were reversed, that you sexually harass someone in the business? I have not. In a green room, in a position? Not sexually harassed, but I mean, certainly, you know, kind of noticed that someone was like,

like Craig Mahoney, I will just name names, was, he's been on the podcast, but Craig Mahoney, like he was someone who I was after for a long time uh to like like a conquest and uh he texted i was at i was at a bar one time and he texted me like just get out of the yankees game eating hot dogs and i was like craig mahoney is wasted and he's like where are you at and i told him where i was at and i knew he was drunk and then so we and when we went out to a bar we had more drinks we started making out we went back

to my place and like I mean had sex but like not a sex that either of us remember lost my blackberry that day like that's how old this story is she still remembers the blackberry more than the sex and I understand that I was so pissed maybe there was a dick in me lost

my blackberry then I really suck if you leave your blackberry in a cab, and you notice it right as the cab is pulling away, but you don't have the energy to run after it, but you're just like, ah! That's a New York moment, baby. To this day, I'm just like, oh, God, I wanted to have sex with him for so long,

and it kind of took us both being intoxicated for it to happen. And I go, did I fucking rape Craig Mahoney? And I truly, it's... Did Craig Mahoney? And I truly, it's like, did you really think that though? I really did. This is before the rape culture. No, no, no. I've said it on the podcast

multiple times, so it's on record. I didn't say his name, but that's who it is. Okay, so it's recent. No, it's not, no, it's not recent. I've been in a relationship

for a while. I'll go deeper. Yeah, no. And so then I got concerned. I was like, because when alcohol is involved, the waters do get murky. And I certainly like to drink a ton.

And yeah, I love drinking. And also you get blacked out and people don't know. You seem so cognizant when you're blacked out. Right, which is a real issue. I don't black out. When you're a good drunk, people, it's the worst because you want to tell them the next day, sorry, I was really shit-faced. And they go, you seem completely sober.

So you don't even have the excuse anymore. I've just been doing it so long. Yeah, I blacked out early on. I did three shows blacked out. And then I did the late show. That's also your genetics. I don't black out. I've never blacked out, and then I did the late show. That's also your genetics. I don't black out. I've never blacked out.

If I get drunk, I'll barf and go home and go to bed. I've never not remembered. It's not genetics. It's just that you didn't drink enough yet. Yeah, I can't even get to the point of blacking out. But the thing is, also my boyfriend and I have had conversations about, like we've both gotten super drunk and had sex when the other one wasn't consenting, and we're just sitting

there going like have i did i rape you did you rape me like what you know so it's like we're it is confusing and to say there's not a gray area is i think irresponsible because i think it's like you need to talk about these things and it's like what the fuck is going on how do you know when it's okay to have sex well you know you know what it's not okay this is when it becomes not okay because this is something that happened to me a long time ago. When you're tying someone down. When you say no

and they keep going. Yes. Yeah, of course. That is something like I have just one memory of that but I... That's when it is. I have a few.

Oh. You saying no or someone else saying no or everyone both shouting no. Both people shouting no but you somehow keep going. When I was probably 15. Yeah. no, no. Both shouting no. Both people shouting no, but you somehow keep going. When I was probably 15.

Yeah. When you're hand job fingering pants down to here and both drunk off of whatever your parents left in the cabinet. And I get my dick in and she goes, we shouldn't do this. And that's all it took was that one slide. To cum. And I get my dick in and she goes, we shouldn't do this. And that's all it took was that one slide. To cum. And I'm done. I go, yeah, we shouldn't do this. So that's rape.

I am a rapist. But isn't. I have more examples. Is we shouldn't do this. We shouldn't do this. I have said to a couple, like a partner, like my boyfriend now, like when we first had sex, I'm like, we shouldn't have sex. And he's like, yeah, we shouldn't do this, I have said to a partner, like my boyfriend now, when we first had sex, I'm like, we shouldn't have sex. And he's like, yeah, we shouldn't.

I'm like, you don't have sex with me? That line I particularly used as a gauge of how interested he was in fucking. When it's no, that's the clear-cut line. But a we shouldn't do this, that's a bluff. And I've said that. We shouldn't is more 40. Everyone has been in this position. Yes, they have.

And people will only chime in when it's the popular point of view. I've done the wrong thing in this climate. Never knew it was wrong. Oh, interesting. When I was in a position of power, you remember when I was a big, huge guy on the man show? I do, actually.

Yeah, one of the staff, I'll just make it vague, would fuck my writer friend and blow me. Sounds great. Not our idea. Okay. But if she came out and go, he is this position of power of being on one of the most failed TV shows ever.

And I'd be going, yeah, she blew me under my desk, but it was her idea and she was really cool. She would never do that. Well, if it was her idea, that also conflicts then with anything okay with the situation another staff member closer to us came in one day and she was at the she had come in at the dollar store and I think it's Fairfax had

someone on her way to work a hobo guy came up and he goes can I just look at your legs and I want a jacket he wasn't jacking off but he goes, can I just look at your legs? And I want to jack. He wasn't jacking off, but he goes, I want to jack off on your legs. And she went, no. And she got in her car and drove away. And she came in weeping, crying, and we mocked her openly.

I just looked at you and suggested it. That's creepy as fuck. Right. Well, different things affect people differently, you know? People have grabbed my ass all the time on the street and it truly doesn's creepy as fuck. Right. Well, different things affect people differently, you know? People have grabbed my ass all the time on the street and it truly doesn't faze me. And if anybody did that to me, I get upset because I've seen

random men on the street a couple of Halloweens ago. This guy just grabbed her ass and I was like, what are you doing? I was pissed. But she wasn't pissed. So it was, but I've had guys, I had a guy, oh, he fucked up my audition. It's all in how it triggers you.

I understand that. But I also have never been grabbed in a way that, I don't know, I've never had that experience. But I had a guy jerk off on the subway, in the subway cart, and he looked me in the eye. And we made eye contact. And that was my mistake but I didn't know what he was doing. And I looked over and he was like and I

had an audition for fucking 30 Rock that day. It was my first big audition ever. Blew it so hard because I was so like what the fuck just happened? And so I mean Wait, he blew it so hard or you did? I blew my audition.

He was jerking off. But did he come when you made eye contact? I need to know. I mean, I don't know because he had his dick, he was grabbing his dick over his pants. I could tell what he was doing though. Was he wearing reading glasses? Because that helps a lot. It was Doug Stanhope. I think the

variable in New York, especially on the subway a lot of times, though, is mental illness. Like, I can't get that upset when the mental illness is thrown in because I'm like, yeah. I wasn't traumatized by that. He just didn't know.

He can't jerk off here. I was just surprised. Right. You know what I'm saying? But then, isn't it fucked up, though, that that happens to women all the time? Every time I read Gothamist, which is a New York-specific city blog,

it's always, so- so and so jerked off on the subway again and everybody filmed it and he didn't care. And it's like, that's fucked up. By applause, you're on a subway. Someone is, let's say three seats down. Fair distance.

Would you prefer they were masturbating or taking a shit? Taking a shit. All right, so wait, wait. I'd go, I'd rather someone, the weirdest guy with a dick aimed right at me masturbate than take a shit. But people take a shit all the time. I agree. I've seen the shit taken before.

I almost stepped in it. But no one's in the comedy community going, shitting on the subway jokes are never funny. It leads to shit culture. You're right. So wait, wait, wait.

Applause if you'd prefer the masturbating. Applause if you prefer the shitting. Here's what it is. Agree to disagree. When I had a guy, the jerk-off guy before my audition,

it didn't, I wasn't, I'm not triggered. First of all, I don't think they understand which they prefer to not see or see, but go ahead. It's your podcast. No, but like with that for me, that was,

I chalk that up in my memory as an annoyance. A little disturbance. But it's all the ones that add up to each other that make me go, oh, fuck this shit. I understand that you guys go through so much more shit. I am sitting here. Why I'm relaxed is I'm bathing in my white privilege. Because in this whole climate, once I understood

what people meant by white privilege, I realized, why have I ever been worried? I'm not even going to prepare for this. I'll just sit here and say whatever the fuck I want. Right. If I already have white privilege, why try? Let me throw this out, and I didn't want to do this, because it's someone else's bit, and her name is Christine Levine. I'll drop her name, because I'm going to do such an injustice to this bit. Okay. I'm just going to give you the premise, and she does one of the most brilliant bits where she talks about

going back to a guy's house. There's parts I even side with the feminists. If I'm at your house at 3 o'clock in the morning, I'm there to fuck you. Probably. The parallel she makes that's so fucking brilliant is that if she's too drunk

and a guy fucks her and she can claim rape because she didn't have her senses about her because she was drunk why is it that she can still get a DUI cause she's responsible at the same blood alcohol level for being able to drive, but it's not her fault for being fucking bent up ass naked in some guy's hotel room. And that's just a premise.

Christine with a K Levine by her new album has this brilliant fucking bit. We'll have to insert it right here. We'll just insert the bit right here. I want to listen to it. No, I mean, I... What?

Wait, what? The drunkest girl in the room knows what the fuck I'm talking about. She's on my side. No, I agree. I hear you. I mean, I've never...

I see the point. I see the point. I mean, if I'm drunk enough to drive home... At some point, it comes down to personal responsibility and not gender responsibility. I mean, I also don't do that, but I also live in New York City. Huh? You live in New York. Exactly. That's what I was going to say. I live in New York City. Huh? You live in New York. Exactly.

That's what I was going to say. I live in New York City. That's why if you want to drink, you've got to move to New York. I know. That's really why. That's why I'm there. I've been getting trashed for 14 years. Because I have driven drunk in my life.

Zero DUIs, baby. Never drove drunk because I took the subway. Don't drive drunk. I have once, and it was bad. But if I would have consented to sex that same night, I'll never forget it. It was in Atlanta, Georgia, and I drove this guy home and wanted to fuck, but I was like, yeah, I would have consented to sex that same night, I'll never forget it. It was in Atlanta, Georgia, and I drove this guy home and wanted to fuck, but I was like, yeah, I just got to drive you home.

And I was really wasted, but I was wasted enough to drive him home, and then nothing happened. But if something did, I'm not going to chalk that up to Saul. If I had a cop pull me over for DUI in Atlanta and I was going to have to go to fucking Atlanta County. Yeah.

I wouldn't have the option of blowing him to get out of it. And I would have taken it. Everyone has advantages. But female advantage is a very tricky... We don't... I mean... I don't think... I would never file blowing someone under an advantage. That's a lot of work.

That's so much work stuff. I would honestly, depending, rather go to jail. You wouldn't have to go to a men's jail. That's so much work. Our first grader here has a lot of questions. She's like fucking... I don't know what the... I don't know what the fuck has happened.

Why is driving drunk different than consenting to sex? I feel like I can consent to sex in a way more intoxicated level. I think you're going to do both tonight. What's your stance

on this? We're confused. I feel like... Are you pro-drunk driving? No, no, no, no, no. I feel like I can consent to sex way more drunk than I can drive drunk. Agree. They should have some kind of thing.

How come that's the legal limit for sex as well? I can consent to sex a lot more drunk than I can consent to driving. Okay. It takes a lot more to kill someone with sex than with driving.

If you fuck somebody while you're drunk, the odds of killing somebody are very slim. The diseases I have, I could kill you with a fucking drunk fuck. The odds of driving drunk, you could be tipsy and go, what? And then just fucking ram into a kid. I mean, you can't control

those circumstances. What if a drunk girl is blowing you while you're driving drunk? She could chop your dick off and then kill you both. Then you die dickless. This is an endless circle of perfect conversation. Yeah. Do you have more to add?

Of course she has more to add. She's drunk. No, no, no. Drunk driving is not okay. Don't drive drunk. We all agree with this. I'm saying that everybody has sex at an intoxicated level.

My best friend is engaged. Not Mormons. She'll have sex when she goes home. Like, so, why is that different than me having... Why is that different than me having sex with a random person? And why is it okay for me to, like,

have sex with a random intoxicated person and not okay for me to drive drunk? I understand. No, no, no, no, no, no. I get that it is not okay to drive drunk, but, like, why is it not okay to have sex? No one no, no. I get that it's not okay to drive drunk, but why is it not okay to have sex? No one got your name. No one got your name.

I want to introduce you properly so everyone remembers your salient points of view. My name is Stephanie. Stephanie. This goes down. We can boil this down forever to why is it okay for an 18 year old to get his

fucking face blown off in Afghanistan but he can't even get drunk until he's 21 and why is it okay to do this or that we're trying to wrap up on a fucking funny point and I'm not bringing it there I'm failing and you're not helping

that's your next book that is our next book next yes oh my god yes there there is blurred lines with with with drunk insects there are not blurred lines with drunk driving. That's something, right? But the law, but you can also, there are times. I'm an alcoholic. The law reflects that. I'll be succinct, I'll be succinct. The law reflects that. I'm an alcoholic.

What she can do at.08, I can do at.24, because I'm a seasoned professional. So maybe the way we have registered sex offenders, we can have registered alcoholics. It's like, no, no, no, Doug is okay at this limit. He's fine. Mr. Officer, it's fine. We all know him.

Your driving test, when you get a license, you should be able to do at the alcohol level you're at. If I'm okay to drive at the driving test at the DMV at.18, I get a license. That makes simple fucking sense. It's not even a joke, and people laugh. No, you're right.

Yes, yes. I think, I mean, we're getting in a dodgy territory. But I think the bottom line is... It's so nice that our last podcast of our career is going to be with Doug Stanhope. I'm just really excited about that. Oh, no, you have to do a thousand apologizing for it like Jamie Kirsten.

With sex, though, with drunken sex, the only experience I have had with... I have had an experience with both parties being drunk and I said no and he kept going and I fucking said no. So that's the line. That's the no. You fucking heard me.

You never went the other way? Huh? You never went the other way? No, honestly. No, no more, no more. Not that it is impossible to go the other way, but for me, it has never gone the other way. The girl that keeps blowing you,

I'm too drunk to get it up now. For me, no. But I will say the same for me. So if we're going, if the line for a rape is no, then I, thank God, have not raped anybody. Yeah, I would never. I don't cross that line. The times in my life where I have thought about the masseuse,

the male masseuse, where I'm like, God, I hope he has a boner and he did it. But I wanted to touch him afterwards. But I didn't. I didn't. I fucking, I didn't. I held back. I had willpower to touch him afterwards. But I didn't. I didn't. I fucking, I didn't. I held back. I had willpower to not do that. I've been so drunk where I forgot who it was.

It was consensual. Yeah, we've all been there. But I didn't, like, that, like, fucked, gacked out. I don't know if he'd been through drugs or been through those. What was said. Just, like, gack, and then the lights are out because you don't want to Has somebody ever accused you of

No No So then I pull No So then what the sexual interactions that you have had in your life

they've been consensual I hope so That's what every dude is thinking now Like what I'll tell you a story I don't want to be Bert Kreischer and go I hope so. That's what every dude is thinking now. Like, what? I'll tell you a story. I don't want to be Bert Kreischer and go, I'll tell you a story off the air. No, no, no.

Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah, where you go, I think it's consensual. Right. I've had a guest on this podcast where I literally asked him on the podcast, did we fuck? I don't know if we fucked or not. Yeah. And who initiated it? If we did, I don't know if we fucked or not. And who initiated it?

If we did, I don't fucking know. That was one instance. Amy Schumer? No, no. She has the My Fairy Tale Junkie book. Amy. My Fairy Tale Junkie? I'm Fairy Junkie.

God damn it. I've been. Winehouse? No, no. She's a comic. Or was a comic for a minute. She just put this book out. I've been plugging it. I read it. Winehouse? No, she's a comic. She just put this book out. I've been plugging it. I read it.

Did you? Yeah, it was good, except she never did heroin. What is the book about? It sounds like Kat Marnell's book. We do have to wrap. We just got the light. I was going to leave the stage a long time ago and just come back, but I didn't know if I was allowed to do that.

Thank you so much for coming and being a part of this conversation. Please give it up for Doug fucking Stanhope, ladies and gentlemen. Buy his book. It comes out. That's You have 30 minutes

to buy this to make it a New York Times bestseller. Fucked is the name of the book. Get it on Amazon or wherever you get your books. Barnes and Noble. You have 30 minutes to get on your stupid phones and buy that and make it a bestseller and send all the hate mail about me to them.

I'll forward it to them. We'll read it next week. I'm excited. Thank you, Doug, so much for coming on. Thank you. We've been wanting to interview you for a really long time, and it was just as wonderful as I had hoped. Seriously.

We'll finish it back here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll finish it up. Thank you guys so much for coming out. We really appreciate it. You're just showing us girls buck. Thank you, Doug. Thank you, Doug.

Doug Stanhope, everybody. Woo! This has been another episode of Guys We Fucked. We will talk to you next week. Thank you so much for coming out. Drive home safe. Take a Lyft or a fucking Uber, please, if you're drunk. My chick bad. My chick hood. My a Lyft or a fucking Uber, please, if you're drunk. My chick, babe.

My chick hood. My chick do stuff that your chick wish she could. My chick, babe. My chick hood. My chick do stuff that your chick wish she could. My chick, babe. Better, better than dirt. My, my, my chick, babe.

Better, better than dirt. My, my, my chick, babe. Better, better than dirt. My, my, my chick, babe.