The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #233: This Penis Is Not For You

Episode Date: November 10, 2017

It's back to the FunHouse as Doug attempts to piece together the past weekend in Phoenix at the All Things Comedy COMEDY FEST. Hennigan, Becker, Chad and Chaille help him fill in the blank spots. Recorded Oct 29th, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Mat Becker (@houdini357), Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille. Pre-Order a SIGNED copy of Doug's NEW book, " This Is Not Fame: A "From What I Re-Memoir"" at - http://bit.ly/2AwBH3y This episode is sponsored by Blue Apron Wine - Start discovering new wines today! Get $25 off your first wine box—by going to BLUEAPRON.com/STANHOPEWINE You will never miss out on Stanhope's 2018 Tour Dates if you get on the Mailing List. http://www.dougstanhope.com/ Closing song, “Springwater”, by Birdcloud. Available on iTunes. LINKS: - Chad Shank Voice Over info at AudioShank.com - Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/ - Guys We Fucked Podcast with Corinne Fisher & Krystyna Hutchinson here - http://www.sorryaboutlastnightcomedy.com/guys-we-fucked/ - Get “F--ked: Being Sexually Explorative and Self-Confident in a World That's Screwed”, by Corinne Fisher and Krystyna Hutchinson. Available on Amazon.com - https://www.amazon.com/cked-Sexually-Explorative-Self-Confident-Screwed/dp/0062666916/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1509667372&sr=8-1Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

I might just be for UFC. I'm not sure how I'll be here. You never do. I know, but... Unless you're going to talk about me naked on the middle of the stage. Yeah, we'll probably bring that up. No, we're just going to show the pictures of that.

No! Yeah, it was on the Jumbotron. It was crazy! Oh my God! Okay, now I'm really leaving. We're going to compare it with... We're going. If you need a drink, help yourself or trust Bingo to pour it. Lose your sanity.

Surprise drinks. I can do that. Neighbor Dave. I love the State Fair. Early on in our love affair, Neighbor Dave and Evelyn would come over for cocktails and neighbor Dave once made the mistake of saying,

Bingo says, what do you want? And he said, I don't know, surprise me. And she made it with like pickle juice and amino acid, you know, that Bragg stuff and everything awful. And he never said surprise me again after that. You know, that brags stuff and everything awful. He never said surprise me again after that. Okra. This is okra.

You forgot the okra? I took a whiff of it and I said, no, I'm not going to drink this. Sorry. I'll puke just like that. We are five deep. We are five deep and just piling back in from the All Things Comedy Network Comedy Podcast Festival. Jaylee is on the mic. Chad is on the mic. Hannigan is on the mic.

Matt Becker is on the mic. Jenny and neighbor Dave are here with Jared. Not that Jared. That's very funny. Neighbor Dave said when Matt introduces his buddy Jared to him, he says, oh, you're Jared from Subway? You come down on Halloween to give candy to the kids? Neighbor Dave pulls a good one out of his ass every now and then.

Jenny's here. Did I say Jenny? There's a lot up there. Bingo! I'm getting to you because you were the highlight of the podcast festival for me. If you didn't listen to the one with Bert Kreischer,

we did his day drinking, I always call it. Call in sick to work. That was a podcast or was it a comedy show? I don't know. It's debacle. Well, you were there. I wasn't.

Well, the format was more podcast-like. I guess that's what I should have said. But when there's a live crowd there, you vacillate between playing to the crowd, playing to the listener. But at some point it turned into a clusterfuck, as I think it's supposed to do. I told him I'd be there to be his designated drinker because he was doing Sober October. And he's not drinking for the month. So I said, I'll come down.

I don't need to be a guest. I know people send you shots and drinks, and I'll just drink your drink for you designated drinker i didn't know that i was going to be the guest and it was just going to be me and doug benson and a little background a little background that i don't even know if you remember seeing me it was uh 12 o'clock doors one o'clock show i pulled up at quarter to noon with hannigan and you were walking out of the airbnb with a cigarette dangling out of your mouth and your shades on and you looked at least two drinks in and hung over wearing the clothes you wore the night before and no i i changed well i i was just i couldn't believe you were up.

Because you were 15 minutes away from the gig. Thinking that I wasn't really a guest, if I couldn't find sunglasses, I would have blown it off. Oh, wow, it was that close. No, it was that bad. It was that bad. We quit drinking after the sun came up. I don't know what time it was but

the sun was up when we stopped drinking that morning after after our orpheum show yeah so stanhope was still fucking hammered because i was still hammered it was clear well we started it off thursday night with jamie kilstein uh yeah you would have already heard that. It's out. I know. I'm recapping. We should have never done that podcast. Kilstein should have been here in a more serious environment. Without a crowd. Without a crowd where we could have gotten deep and not.

And he wouldn't have got so self-defensive. We had Morgan Murphy and Bert Kreischer on, and I have this whole thing plotted out. I put a lot of effort into researching Kilstein, and I still, today, he's not getting a lot of shit. But a couple people who didn't listen to it, did you really have that rapist Jamie Kilstein on? And I go, that's exactly why I did it.

But we should have done it in Bisbee and not at that. Because it should have just been us busting balls and fucking off. And Christ, you're not drinking. And me yelling at Morgan Murphy. She's my favorite person to yell at like that, to have that contentious relationship. It's like Lucy and who is that Cuban guy? Desi but that's like that's why i love shawcroft lynn shawcroft and i just bust balls only difference is murphy can take it shawcroft will just but i'm just gonna leave early like

we're having fun it seemed like there was enough industry at the festival that Lynn might have shown up. Yes. Like with her plastic Safeway bags and everything, just holding drinks like a Neil Hamburger. Trying not to smile because she left her partials on the plane again. She showed up at the comedy store the other night,

Kerry Mitchell told us, around about two in the morning. It's a good time to get there. Yeah, yeah. For the next day. Apparently a check had arrived. Mother's Day. Yeah, that's what we should have done.

But yeah, there was a lot of regret. Really? Well, the next day. I was drinking with you, remember, at breakfast because I couldn't face the day. A lot of the shenanigans that I used to brag about, now what you said. The next day you come back to the festival and you're going, do these laminates still work for us? Are we still welcome here?

It felt like going in there on the next day. The caddies and Caddyshack on the next day. If we were caddies. The caddies in Caddyshack during the pool day that's 15 minutes long. And I was like, not sure if like, now, I know Doug did all that. Does that mean? Does that reflect on the whole group? Is it cool? Are we cool?

And they were. It was fucking great. So we did the Kilstein, and that went fine. I think I made my point. It took us two and a half hours. But the next day, I have to get up for the Burt thing. So we make it there somehow. And at some point, I don't even know.

I don't know if you remember how it happened. I don't even know, I don't know if you remember how it happened. Some lady, I think rape was, of course, now going to be a weekend-long subject. And I said something, and the lady went... No, her issue was not with anything to do with rape. She was contesting the credibility of the guy on stage who came up with two amazing stories in a room and he was kidnapped and raped yeah yeah so she wasn't saying there was no Holocaust she was basically saying I

just don't think that's geographically accurate yeah so okay so I forget that beat. I forget a lot. So she yells out. So Burt brings her up on stage. Now, Burt Kreischer always goes on stage shirtless. So at some point, I took my shirt off. Doug Benson didn't want to take his shirt off because he's a fucking reasonable human being, but I was not. And she gets up there we get her to take her shirt off but she she won't remove the bra then we i don't even know who that the big fat guy was jj he was the wheelchair guy you kept shouting at yeah because everyone said he's in a

wheelchair in your life wheelchair yeah why how did that i don't know work where he's in a wheelchair in your life a wheelchair yeah why how did that i don't know work where he was in a wheelchair but then he he had ms oh fuck so that was another beef you had that he was suddenly not in a wheelchair right which instead of saying you healed him yeah you you scolded him yeah so he gets up on stage and he's about 12 to 1600 pounds. He takes his shirt off. Yes. And then we start giving the girl shit. Now you still won't take your shirt off?

Yeah. And she was playing it up. So bingo, unsolicited, just shuffles up on the stage, gets cunt butt naked, sits down. She only took off one article of clothing, which was an entire full evening gown dress. Then she was butt ass naked. Sat down naked,

and I said to the girl in the bra that refused to play, no longer necessary. You're excused? Yeah. Your role has been covered. Your body double has just come in. You were heroic, Bingo.

But if you'd have been slapping a female boob like you were JJ's boob for charity, it would have made front page news. But somehow, because it's a man, nobody even wanted to make eye contact. Yeah, sexually assaulted him to make eye contact. Yep. Sexually assaulted him. Right there on stage. I don't know what... I don't know if Ari counts as sexual assault or not.

Well, this... What happened that... Sorry, I let the dogs bark. We might have company. Didn't Ari start the show? Oh, Ari started the Bert Kreischer thing.

Completely naked. Butt naked, cock and balls swinging, and announced the show, and then left. So, yeah, he kind of set the tone. Yeah. Drew first blood. Yeah, a couple times over the weekend. I fucking love Ari. Ari was, Bert you could see was a lot more reserved

than he normally is because they're both doing Sober October. And Ari, yeah, you couldn't tell at all. That guy was just fucking cocking balls all weekend. It was fun. But what did we do that night after the... We went to Stand Up Live for the Jamie Kilstein set. Oh. That was Thursday.

That was Thursday. Friday we did something. What did we do Friday night? You, Tracy, and Becker. Okay, so that was Friday. Jared spent, I think, 12 hours at a casino. Yeah, he jumped out to the casino, the walking stick, which is not the Uber stick.

No, he went to the other one. Right. Wild Horse Pass, which is so far away. And then spent 12 hours there. And then you went to do the show with Bert, Doug. And then I finally brought Becker and Tracy down and dropped them off, and then I went to the pop-up podcast

while they went into the show to see what you guys were doing. Okay, for the listener, the pop-up podcast was kind of like the sideshow room where there's a constant other podcast. Like in a fair where there's a local DJ that's broadcasting from the fair all day.

I'll be down here. And they just keep twitching people out yeah it's if if there were a music festival that's the small stage yeah that's like the alt stage and there's always something going on open to the public if you're not rotating doors unlocked and it's live when you walk in yeah yeah couldn't get into the big show don't worry there's still something going on for you lightly attended let's say that oh at times though at times it was well at the times we we're getting to that there's a pool party for the burt kreischer after party at some hotel the palomar which was connected with the entire event where you can go and not drink with burt well we thought that's where we were going.

There's a pool party over there. And one of our douche friends was Alex, just Alex. Someone we know said, oh, I'll take you. And we just followed him blindly and stumbling and walk into the podcast where

there's like three people in the audience. So you can't just go, oh, no, never mind. Yeah, this is going into somebody's like three people in the audience so you can't just go oh no never mind yeah this is going into somebody's like wake you go we can't just leave now it'll look rude should have zigged when i zagged and we sat down and i can't remember the kira fuck i'm sorry i forget your name soltanovich that yeah yeah i think that's her yeah it was her kira sultanovich wait it was her and paul verzi on stage okay and when i asked him and i go it's paul verzi i know verzi from the bill burr podcast jersey paul verzi and so all right we'll stay and if we're just wrapping up there was like five minutes we sat there. And then I went up and I said hi and I introduced myself and said,

sorry, we thought we were going to a fucking pool party. And now we're in some weird banquet room. Yeah. But nice to meet you. So we go up to the dumb pool party, jump in the pool. It's 30 degrees left. I don't know. We just kept drinking and we just kept going back to that room

because there's always these rotating podcasts with nobody there it was your touchstone which made sense because they were they were rotating so you never knew who was going to be there because at one time bill burr was down there with uh with australian pete oh he was in the audience oh australian p Pete was the guy. When we were going, they had this setup where they had five mics, but only two people were on them at any given time. Also, I think the person on the monitor was on, too. Yeah, the sound booth guy. The producer.

So we're getting drunker and drunker, and every time we pass it, it seems very funny to interrupt them. We just kept coming up with, the first time, it's just me and Becker and Tracy, and we go, all right, let's just walk in, and we'll be fighting with Tracy, saying, no, we're scheduled to do a podcast, and never look and just have this ongoing fight to interrupt them. She won't let them because we have an Uber coming, and we don't have time. I know, but we're scheduled to interrupt them. She won't let them because we have an Uber coming and we don't have time. I know, but we're scheduled to do this.

Now, hold on a second. I know Doug was wasted. What was your temperament, Becker, you and Tracy? Had you guys gotten up on step? We immediately jumped in. You have to ask about your wife? I don't know. I just know when I picked them up

hours later that I figured this, it was a ramp up from the night before, but I didn't know how long it would take for you to get to Doug's level. I was at the point where I go, I'll just use Doug as the indicator when the joke's gone too far. Well, you actually went, again, there's basically no one in there, and I just went up as I sat down. I go, sorry, I'm late.

Okay. And then I said a couple of. To a podcast that's going on that you were not invited to and that is just sitting there broadcasting. Yeah, as we're pretending to have this giant domestic. Yeah, that. Loud argument. And I go, oh, good.

Now even Becker's not going to do it. We're scheduled to do this. And I turn to the guy and I go, this is Saturday, right? This is Friday. I go, ah, shit. And then we all walk out. Yeah, and then we go, we're sorry. We got to go.

And then boom. So this is the second time we've attacked the podcast. Now we went somewhere else to drink more. And then we go, hey, let's do that thing again. And I go, this hey, let's do that thing again. And I go, this time, Tracy. Yeah. So what we did is we went in and we said, okay, we're going to take over the podcast because it was one guy.

Now you've already got the lay of the land. There's no security. There's no security to the Australian guy. So the plan was we'll go take over the podcast because there's three other mics sitting there. Oh, yeah. And we know they're live because no one's in there. So we go, we'll just take over those

and then we'll immediately say we don't feel women get the right representation at this comedy festival or podcasting and they need to be represented more. And what was your plan? Well, we had Tracy, this setup was we're going to keep going to you

as an expert, as a woman on this subject. As a victim. You should be able to. I don't even think we set it up. You know what? If you actually hear those podcasts, let us know. Our version might be way different.

The story I heard was that it was some sort of Voices of Women podcast that was going on. Right, yeah. We're great to be sort of Voices of Women podcast that was going on. I think that was the kernel. Voices of Women podcast. That's our setup. We claimed it was Voices of Women podcast. You both told me, Tracy and Becker both told me separately that it was

set up that like, oh, I'm so glad we've got Tracy here because she has so many things to say on these subjects. And then you guys would set it up. And Becker chimes in with, yes, equal wages in the workplace. And I go, yeah. I'll do the Tracy part, so you pitch it to me.

So, Tracy, explain to me why equal pay is a big thing with this. You know what, Tracy? I can explain this a lot better than you. But you're right, Tracy. So, go ahead, Doug. And then we better than you. Yeah, but you're right, Tracy. So go ahead, Doug. And then we do another beat.

And Tracy, you know, who would know better than you? Well, it's a very good idea that you bring this up. But hold on. Wait. Because if you really look at it, the problem is that if guys are going to continue to buy drinks, then you're going to get equal pay for us. But no, we were giving her all the references until she tried to talk. Yeah, but it was talked over.

And the point was, she couldn't get a word in edgewise. And it worked out really funny. But the joke had just about hit its wall. And we're still in the joke. And you're in a podcast with no one else there. You want to end on a high note. And people are starting to gather around the window to see what's going on. Because there's more people.

And I get a call from Jamie Kilstein, who's about to leave town. And I take it, and it's just perfect timing because of his past as a male feminist. Women on Women podcast now has been somewhat weird. Jamie, let me put you on speakerphone. What are your thoughts on equal pay for women or whatever the subject was? And he starts talking. Turns out he was in the window. He was walking through the door.

So then we just shoved Tracy out of her chair. Sit down. We need a really strong feminist viewpoint. Tracy, can you go get us coffee? Cream. Just a little cream. Not a lot like last time. Anyway, this is the perfect outfit.

And it was. And then we were like, boom. I mean, it looked like it was set up. It was so perfectly timed. The phone call. And then you guys walk into the door. Yeah, and also a great metaphor for Jamie's place in the world of comedy on there

say looking in trying to and it's over when he gets there oh no then when we took him and his gal out for sushi

yeah we had sushi oh yeah that's when I was texting Tracy you know it's probably time you guys shovel something in your

pie holes because it's it's been a while so we did yeah yeah yeah I got home at about 9pm I think and uh that was it guys shovel something in your pie holes because it's it's been a while so we did yeah yeah yeah i got home at about 9 p.m i think and uh that was it for me no no no no no i i was uh trying to reach tracy and uh becker because i was gonna pick them up and they didn't know where you had

gone off to and then as i turned the corner there tracy and becker were walking walking. They're not fucking answering their phones, even though they called me. They gave me the bat signal. Oh, is that annoying, Cheney, when someone doesn't answer their phone? Becker doesn't have a phone. There you go. I'm always worried. Say help me. Now, Becker's phone is in Tracy's purse.

So as I turned the corner, they're right there. Wait, wait, wait. You have a phone now? No. You have a secret phone? I use her phone i said if remember if you need me call doug i'm with doug okay now if you need me call tracy that's it i don't need a phone you'll have them okay so neither of them are answering no no becker last guy in the world that won't get a cell phone never have a phone don't worry so i i pick them up and they get in

the car and we leave and i I'm like, where's Doug? And you gave some excuse that didn't make me feel good, but we were leaving. We were on a one way street. I'm not stopping. So we just left. And then some magic happened. That's,

that's when you were on the last podcast interruption. Oh, oh yeah. That was the same night. Oh yeah. See? Yeah. I went back for more. You didn i went back for more do you see that though he just tried to say he was in bed by nine nothing else i think i was i think this was earlier than nine but i did make one last stop and at that point it was a crowded podcast

because it was it was sam tripoli it was uh uh ari shafir dan Danish and O'Neal, who I finally met. They're fucking great guys. Wicked funny. And as a clusterfuck, Bert's just in the audience. And I came in, again, a handler from over at Stand Up Live. Thanks for having us. Stand Up

Live in Phoenix. This is a retail storefront that they've turned into a podcast studio where you can look in from the big picture window joseph a bank and they turned it into a so there's a there's a green room in the back there's two couches a couple of stand-up tables and then people can mill in and whatever but you can see from the street you can see from across and now it's dark so it's light in there so you can see from across the street. And now it's dark, so it's light in there. So you can see from everywhere. If you don't see carpet, then that means there's something going on over there.

There ain't no blinds. Oh yeah, at one point during the day... I was going to say, we can prove that because we all stuck our hams on the window. We did a three-person, four-person pressed ham. I don't remember who the fourth was. Alex.

Just Alex. And Tracy. We didn't remember who the fourth was. Alex. Oh, Alex. Just Alex. And Tracy. We didn't stop fucking with that podcast. So I went in. Window cleaners. John was his name. He's actually a comic, but he was working for the festival. That guy.

He helped me out a lot. Not so much. I remember his last name to plug him. The guy from Flagstaff. No, somewhere else he does a festival he does a comedy festival near there in uh september so they brought yes yeah yeah and i forgot what it was he was a good guy he's a good guy he helped us out the whole weekend uh he got me in there and then at some point we're just listening for a minute, but then I get burnt. I go, we got to crash this fucking thing.

I guess they were about to wrap up too. Ari Shafir's walking around naked with his cock and balls out, but now there's a lot of people out on the street looking in the storefront at the chaos going on, and now here's a big, gangly Ari Shafir with big gangly cock and balls looking out standing in the window and there's kids out there and shit I don't know what spurred me but I said I gotta get an Uber good night because Ari's back now is to the window. And I went like I was faking for the door. And then I pulled my dick out in a way that they can't see it from the street.

There was a door girl who audibly yelped and ran backwards. Like, I'm going to block the door and jerk off. And I go, this is not for you. And then I snuck up. Don't gloss that over. this is not for you. And then I snuck up. Don't gloss that over. This is not for you. I had to whisper. I know.

You looked at her and go, listen, this is not for you. Get over yourself. No, I didn't. You don't even have a laminate. I meant there's no threat to you right now. Okay. Remember, remember, that girl comes into play the next night. And I had the fucking crank shrunk

Adderall penis, so yeah, even, I wouldn't want her to see it. But I snuck up behind Ari, who's now at the end of the podcasting table, and I peed just enough on his back.

Oh, he wasn't lying on the ground or anything? No, he was standing. See, I heard that you'd peed on Ari's back. I assumed he was lying on the floor. He was sitting at the end of the table. He was where his naked back was. So you peed on an upright person. Yeah.

Which would therefore be more surprising for that person. And the audience. Sure it would. And I did, and they closed on it. I felt good, like that person. And the audience. Sure it would. And it did. And they closed on it. I felt good. Like I brought something to the podcast.

Because they didn't really have a strong closer like that. No. He's the postman. And he's sober when you did it. Unless someone's going to encore with poop. Might as well call it a night. Yeah. Either way, you were out of there after that, right?

You somehow got an Uber. I don't think they hang around either. You keep reminding me of things I thought I was done. Well, we did forget one thing, and this might be the way that maybe the naked thing or the peeing thing. It was started with Ari during the day. It was the pinnacle was bingo. Leave it open. But then Doug at the Palomar pool party tried to jump in the pool naked

at where someone said, hold on, there's kids here. Oh, I didn't get naked, but I was about to. But you were trying to talk Danish and O'Neill into it. Yeah, and they were gonna, and then they went, well, we can't really. Someone reminded me there were kids around, and we had that story with Brendan W brendan walsh recently kids you know again those people that there's so many times they should get in with them we could have gotten arrested they search for just a minor uh overlook well yeah i'll wait till the blogs come out the parents of

those children i i don't even want to talk about the rape victim because I'm saving that for my show. But Danish and O'Neal ended up jumping in the pool with you guys, with you, I think you went down to Underpants. Yeah, I jumped in for about three seconds and went, fuck this, this fucking... It woke me up. Cold.

Because they told you it was warm. It worked like an Adderall. I just remember people just from everywhere bringing you yellow towels. They were like, here, just cover up. Yeah. I mean, there's kids here. Your body was actually the bedroom in your penis. I had beige pants.

That was a Pittsburgh Steeler reference. Yellow terrible towels. They were after he dried off. Now I wet my sacks because I used those as my swimming trunks, but my suit, I had beige pants. So then I had to walk around with a wet stain all the way around. And they go, that's the guy that peed himself, and then Ari tried to stop it.

That was day two. Well, that night we ended up going... I'm sorry. Go ahead. I was just going to say, I woke up with a hangover the next morning and I stayed at the Airbnb and took a nap. And I thought that was a really good decision. And then whenever you guys came home

and told me all these stories about everybody getting naked and peeing on each other, I was like, that was a fantastic fucking decision. Yeah, but I'll tell you, it was one of those ones where you had to really time your other. I was like, that was a fantastic fucking decision. Yeah, but I'll tell you, it was one of those ones where you had to really time your sleep. It was like Vegas, you know? You go, we just won $8,000 on Slot. You go, I shouldn't have taken a nap.

I'm an idiot. Yeah. In some parallel universe, you're being wrestled to the ground on a crosswalk. Yeah. Yes. But yeah, Bingo stayed home too. She already made her bones the first day.

That was the first time she's been out at a gig as she stayed with you and Jenny. She even went out on stage during the podcast we did. She went out on Orpheum stage to deliver a drink. But yeah, that was admirable. Nice to see her out. Yep. She's back.

Yep. All right, let's take a break, and we will be back after these messages. Did you pre-read it? Yeah, I'm reading it as I go. All right. I pre-read it. I forgot the last sentence. You know why?

Because Blue Apron now serves wine. Wine, yeah, with your blue apron meal delivered right to your door. If you're staying in, if you're going to eat at home, why not get shit-faced on all this wine that they pre-lubricated us. It's their fault.

Hey, these are the wines we have. We drank a lot of them. They are set up to go and match your meal small bottles not like airplane bottles it's made it's made for a meal with two yeah it's a smaller bottle yeah and you get six six bottles in an order and instead of getting shit face let's let's think of it more as learning about wine yeah i was learning about wine three small bottles at a time. But that's what you get when you send me a lot of wine.

I drink a lot of wine. One of them went with the broccoli cheddar turnovers that you gave me, saying, hey, we have to do a spot for Blue Apron. Please eat some turnovers. The turnovers were fantastic. My teeth are red. But they were fantastic turnovers so far as I know. Doug, unfortunately, you popped one of the red wines.

And if you look on the menu, there's a color code here where you can match your Blue Apron wine with the meal you have. So it makes it that easy but you didn't have the the recipe with you no i didn't and i don't have my contacts in and uh my friend here beside me jonathan he's colorblind so he can't i go get me some more wine and he can't tell a white from a red from a zinfandel or a Pinot Grigio. As it turns out, when we got the wine, it was a week before we got the box. Tracy already drank all the whites.

First of all, all of my people in the Appalachian country towns where it's dry counties, yeah, you can't even get food, much less. You have to shoot a grouse for dinner or eat roadkill. But Blue Apron will deliver not just food to your door, a fantastic gourmet dinner. Now they're going to send you wine, and you're going to go, it's my meds. I lost my foot to diabetes.

It's my meds. You know it's wine. We know it's wine, We know it's wine. And it's a dinner. And it's not a grouse that you shot with buckshot, and you have to pick all sorts of BBs up. Sift the ammo out with your teeth, like a spoonbill. Or just sift it through the missing tooth.

Anyway, Blue Apron. Hey, Doug, you can discover six new wines monthly from Napa, Bordeaux. Daily. Daily. I'm in for three more. Well, your mileage may vary. You can also customize each box with the style and varieties you love. Styles?

Yeah. Henning, what would that mean, styles for wine? What are you talking about? I'm fucking just forget it. Skip that point hey blue apron wines i was talking to blue apron skip that bullet point douche this is the best value blue apron wines are often half the price of what you'd find in the store hang on blue aprons custom tasting notes teach you how to identify flavors and aromas of each wine. So if you want to get some coos back to your bachelor pad. This dovetails right into what you've always been saying about Blue Apron.

Get them back to the pad and make it look like you eat and drink like this all the time. Yeah, kale. Yeah, it's pronounced the same way with a K as a C. It's Yeah. Kale. Yeah. It's pronounced the same way with a K as a C. It's good. Kale. I like kale because I'm into fitness. And, oh, let me tell you about the aroma of this wine. And then you read your cheat sheet like an open miker who writes his bad fucking comedy notes on his wrist.

You look down at the, oh, this has a a beautiful bouquet it's nutty oh note the wine's weighty feeling in your mouth my pumpkin hey this is not the climate for that kind of talk to a woman unless she's signed a consent form they also give you a booklet that you can uh i don't know it it's probably produced by Smartfuck, but it has lots of stuff in there that will let you look like an expert or pretend to be one. Yeah, they make learning about wine fun by giving you the who, what, and where of every wine they send.

Who? Dave? They do seem to bring up where Cleveland. I don't know. They bring up a lot of things that we don't really have a problem here in the fun house. Like, hey, they send wine to your fucking door. How many times do you go? Oh, I'm too drunk to drive, but I'm out of booze.

I'm all alone on Twitter. That is a bullet point. That definitely has something to do with the playoffs. Yeah, we should write their fucking copy. You just did. I did. You, Stan Hope Podcast listeners, start discovering new wines. And get $25 off your first wine box.

Hang on. This is not boxed wine. This is another faux pas on Blue Aprons. It's not boxed wine. It comes in a nice bottle, but it comes in a box of a lot of them. Well, the box is similar to the box that we get the produce in each week. It's made specifically for getting to your door fresh and undamaged. Yeah. Bunch of shit

comes to your door. You don't have to think. You don't have to try. All the portions are measured out. They color-coded it with icons. If you can just read simple words. I'm not laying you up for a scam here, but what happens if one of the balls is damaged?

Just like everything that comes from Blue Apron, they will make it right. There's 100% freshness guarantee on the box of food that we get. How is a bottle damaged? It's broken or it isn't? It's aesthetically less pleasing than it was intended to be. Well, my fans will still drink out of a broken bottle. Do not drink out of a broken bottle. Do not drink out of a broken bottle. That's what coffee filters are for.

Do not do this at home. We do it here. Blue Apron, they already have this in place. If anything's damaged, they take care of it. Listen, don't fuck around. We do this how often, Tracy? We take the strainer out of my sink, put it over the broken bottle,

strain out the shards of glass that you assume are not. Yeah, you drink the rest. They might be small shards, but you'll feel those in your shit and pretend you ate beets. Well, there's always blood in there anyway, so it just blends in. Hey, we call that company liquor. This wine is good all right go and get this uh food and wine delivered to your door by going to blueapron.com slash stanhope wine

wow is that what it's come to well the promo code is very important because that's how we get credit for any kind of commerce that goes their way. So if you want to take advantage of this, please use the promo code StanhopeWine. Yeah, or the next podcast will be for an hour and 40. Enjoy perfectly sized wines that come with the custom tasting notes to help you become a wine aficionado, Doug. I feel like I've done very well at that tonight. Thank you, Blue Apron, for giving me too much at once.

That's blueapron.com slash Stanhope Wine. Blue Apron is a better way to cook and drink now. Are there more adverts? No, we've got to get back to the podcast. All right, I'll shut the fuck up. I'm going to act sober for the rest of this, or try. Saturday, I don't know. Chadden, Bingo, and Jenny left Saturday.

We went to Fear Farm. Oh, we went to the fair. Oh, yeah. Chad and Bingo and Jenny left Saturday. Oh. We went to Fear Farm. Oh, we went to the fair. Oh, you guys went to the... Fear Farm. Oh, Becker might have an issue with you, Chad. Yeah. No, no, wait. Well, Friday when I picked...

Oh, I'd love to hear it. I like issues. When Doug stayed to pee on another fellow comic, Becker and Tracy and I and Jared, we went out to Fear fewer farm the haunt out there the haunted house and it was amazing it was so much fun you don't build that in one year two years what 20 years it took to build i don't know all i know is there's all kinds of yeah and the best part is when you go with greg and tracy they point out oh that's ghostwriter

stuff that's ghostwriter that's ghostwriter that's ghostwriter go what That's Ghost Rider. That's Ghost Rider. That's Ghost Rider. I go, what about that? They go, no, not that. Come on. Ghost Ride, if you don't know, is that's Chaley's and his brother's company that supplies haunted houses.

Right now, there is a, uh, half of a life-size bloodied corpse for the, uh, That's Arnie.

The haunt that you're making for your front yard for Halloween. Yep. Is it this point that Chaley goes, no, that's not ours.

Well, evidently, this is what I hear, Chad. The next morning, I'm in. No, we came home that night. Right? Didn't we go back? Yeah. Well, you guys did. But let me set it up with what I heard, and then you can fill in the blanks.

That next morning, before they leave, they decide, Chad, Jenny, and wait, I know I'm going to let you fill it in. Stay with me. I'm in bed. They are going to leave, but they're going to go to the state fair first. They asked if I wanted to go. Fuck no. I'm not getting out of bed. I think I'm going to die.

And they leave. Then you guys come over, you and Chaley. I'm going to tell you what I heard just from my bed. I heard them say, where's Chad and Bingo, Jenny? And then I yelled out, oh, they went to the state fair. And I hear Becker go, motherfucker. went to the state fair and I hear Becker go, Motherfucker!

Well, yep. Becker was the one who gave us the idea the night before. Oh, wow. That was the part that got lost in the jumble. I said, Hey, we'll go to the fair. I'll drive. I don't give a shit. Let's go to the fair. And everybody's like, Yeah, we'll do that. We'll do that. Well, when I say we, I usually include myself.

The guy who said, We should go to the fair the thing is that we we looked it up we went and got coffee and fucking breakfast and shit and then we waited because they go they're still sleeping by 11 o'clock uh i looked it up and said the fair opens at 11 o'clock bingo tried calling shaley like three times and said i think they must be asleep i said i have no idea what time they stayed up, but if we're driving back to Bisbee today, I'm not

going to the fucking fair this afternoon. We're going to the fair right now. Chad said he tried to call you on your phone, Matt. No, he didn't. Weren't you with Shaley? I was busy. We tried to call you like three times. I was up at 8.30 in the morning trying to figure out a rental house is the way you turn cable on.

And that took about two hours. And then eventually there were signs of life. And I said, okay, we can give them a little more time. I'm sure they're not up yet. And we're going to the fair today. And I tell them, we're going to the fair. Yeah, but he tried to call you. He tried to call you.

Well, you don't have to call him because remember that's what I said. You don't have to call to find out if I'm standing in the corner where you're supposed to pick us up, Greg, because I was on the corner where you were going to pick us up. You don't have to tell me if I'm going to the fair because we're coming over to go to the fair.

Can we back up to how drunk you guys were when you got home that day? I was up at 830 in the morning. You were standing up peeing on people drunk and you were there with them the whole day. We never set a time

of going to the fair. So as far as going to the fair, that's a drunk plan. I believe we said when the fair opens, which would be 11. We got there at 11.10. Please. Can we take the David Mama out of this? Can we just back up maybe 30 seconds to where you were saying, I told you it was my idea.

I said, fuck it, I'll even drive. Now you're standing on a corner waiting for a ride. No, that was for, I said, I don't need a phone because when Greg came to pick us up, I was standing on the corner where he was going to pick us up. That's where I was. See, when you don't have a phone, you have to actually be where you say you're going to be.

We don't remember those days. I don't need to call to verify we're going to the fair today. The way it transpired was Becker was talking about going to the fair today? The way it transpired was Becker was talking about going to the fair. I was the only one who wanted to go to the fair. Chad was like, wait, the fair's going on?

It was like, oh wow, yeah, the fair's going. I'll go to the fair. That was a tacit agreement. Perhaps it was a verbal contract. I don't know. We'll let the lawyers wrestle this out. I'm moving to Arizona. This is my fair. You live here.

It's on your fair. This is my fair now. By 10 a.m., I had researched what time the fair opened, how much parking was, and what a fucking pain in the ass it would be and calculated it would be easier to uber exactly before we ever called you guys we did all that yeah he had the glengarry leads well i hope you enjoyed your coffee how many mammoth references are you gonna drop in a row

the part that that that you guys don't know and becker doesn't know is I said to both Jared and Tracy separately, we ain't going to no fucking fair. There's no fun. I'm not going to the fair. Well, that's why he was pissed because he was still going to go to the fair. He just couldn't. I was going to go by myself. Yes, he was.

But I had been driving all weekend and not drinking and now I was fucking beat. And I slept on the couch while you guys went somewhere else. Which is always great when you're sharing a four-bedroom Airbnb and the common area has the fucking passed out guy. I was just going to come out here and... No, no.

There's a guy who... Now there's still someone on the fucking couch. Let me go outside and smoke. So how does your communication scenario work when the person whose phone you're dependent upon I don't need a phone. I said I'm going to the fair. So if you're going to the fair, you should

track me down. Are you aware that plans change? Don't you watch Southwest commercials? I'm going to the fair. If you have a court date at noon, I assume you'll be at court at noon. Had you had a... You even said, I i said what time did

you plan to go to the fair you said when it opened we were there 10 minutes after it opened you think you had a legal agreement with chad like that had the you know the same purpose and entity as a fucking court date honestly we had just i had a van just our plan just our group we had i think 11 deep and that's not counting all of our comic friends that are at the festival and that is so overwhelming to try to okay well we'll meet you uh but did you eat and should we all meet to eat somewhere because we're 15 minutes away. They have food. Do you have seating for 14? We were 11, but I just ran into three comics.

Can you seat 14 people in a hurry on a Saturday night? Every man for themselves. We called that early on. Every man for themselves. I don't think we ran into any of that stress this time. I don't remember. ran into any of that stress this time. I don't remember. Well, except for what's going on here. So Uber only holds three people? Awkward.

I called you three times. It holds as many. You never called me because I don't have a phone. You stated God damn, rewind it. You stated earlier that your phone is the person you're with. Were you not with Shaley? We called Shaley three times. Were you not with Shaley?

We called Shaley three times. Did you call Tracy? We called you. He wasn't with Tracy. Yes, Tracy was there too. Actually, to be honest, we were checking out of the Airbnb, so we weren't leaving until noon anyway because we had to do whatever protocol to get out of there. I had to explain.

We were willing to wait until noon to go to the fair and somebody answered the phone and contacted us regarding the fair. Check your phone. Check your phone. Can we take a break and check the phone? No, no. We have five people here. Don't worry. We'll keep it going because I had to explain

to Brian on the way down. So what was the fair like? Here's the other thing that you don't know. I was... You had a great time? I was not as motivated to go to the fucking fair as it may seem. I don't like going to the fucking fair either. So I wanted to go.

Somebody had palmed me some mushrooms after the show. Stay with them, Matt. Yeah. So... So I missed out on mushrooms and the fair? This is your selling point? Don't get ahead of me. You had no mushroom agreement.

Don't forget the food. Don't forget the food. So Bingo wanted to eat a dose of mushrooms and go to the fair. And she had already started while we were there because she was like giddy excited to go to the fair and then she started eating them and I was like we should probably get to the fucking fair so we took

an Uber and went over there and I don't know if they're going to search my bag we better take them all but she didn't want to take them all so I'm like well they're not going to search my pockets I don't have a bag and they're not going to search every single pocket they don't want to have we better take them all so I said but she didn't want to take them all so I'm like well they're not going to search my pockets I don't have a bag and they're not going to search

every single pocket they don't do that but if you have a bag they might search you so I gave my drugs to you so I helped you which is the reasonable thing to do and you know

chivalry is not dead give it to someone else you hold somebody's mushrooms like a gentleman hold the lady's mushrooms when you go through the state fair line no

we go in and we're walking around, and she tells me, all right, I'm ready to eat the rest of those mushrooms. And I'm like, okay, here you go. I pull them out and hand them to her. And I turned around as she's sitting over there eating them, and I told her, I really want to take a picture of you right now, but I don't want to fucking be obvious, because we were standing in front of a gigantic sheriff's office.

And I wasn't. Bingo's standing in front of the sheriff investigative truck that has a pop-out slider on the side, and she's in the front of it eating mushrooms. No, Chad, the only thing you're wrong about is that I wasn't just picking out of a bag. I took the whole bag and was like this with the motherfucking bag.

Like a Pringles can. Why didn't you do that before security? I did it before security and after. She did Marshall before. Just so all the cameras had her. She's a responsible mushroom taker.

You don't take everything at once. You're not the only mule at the Alaska State Fair. Arizona. Wrong A. But yeah, bingo. I was the only white one. Can we talk about the Twizzler again or the Twister? No, it's not a Twizzler.

It was a Twister. And that was about the best experience ever. A fair ride. Fair ride. The Twister. That was after, though. That was after we had walked around because you ate those mushrooms and then we walked around for a little bit more.

I could have been on that twister for the rest of my life yes i came uh when they came back from this state fair uh they first asked hey how is becker we really missed him we wish to be here but then by now i'm just getting out of bed i'm like i still think i'm gonna die but i have one more show to do bingo ate his mushrooms afternoon and i was trying to recreate the day before figure out how to get food because there's no we didn't stock that airbnb like we normally would we were in a hurry and everything i bring up bingo goes can we talk about the twister some more though the twister let's go back to the twister they were all pastel colors with sparkles

that was the other thing was that the twister thing they were sitting in was almost matched bingo's hair as theirs but before that we walked by another ride that was just like a kiddie ride, and it all had glitter with sparkle. We all know that paint job. Bingo's fucking grinning, fucking ear to ear. I can imagine. This is fucking fantastic. This is totally worth abandoning back here for.

Don't worry. Chaley has some news from his phone. This just in. We received a call on Saturday morning at 10.02am from Bingo. Unanswered. I'd only been up for two and a half hours.

I think I was still asleep in the chair. You should have slept on the couch with Chaley and you could have heard his phone ring. He turns it off so Tracy can't get ahold of asleep in the chair. You should have slept on the couch with Chaley, and you could have heard his phone ring. He turns it off so Tracy can't get ahold of him in the house. According to your logic, that becomes our phone. If you're with Chaley, that's your phone, too. You should have been spooning. There were three phones in the house.

Jared, her, that. You called one phone. You were trying to lose. I had to explain to Hennigan on the drive down coming home today because there's two different things. Is Becker really a Trump guy? Because I heard him and Chaley talk about it. I go, well, Becker's like Hennigan is when it's Monday night football

and everyone's rooting for one team. Hennigan figures out who you're rooting for and goes the other way just to be a dick. So I said, yeah, if Matt Becker says that, it's because he's just trying to be a dick. And then he says,

they were having an argument about when we filmed that Jack Daniels documentary and Becker said that while you're filming you went through the liquor store and they handed you a drink with tape on it.

That's fucking New Orleans. Well, that was what I was talking about. I was talking about the daiquiris. They gave us a Coke. They sold us a bottle of Jack Daniels and they gave us a Coke and a cup. That's not what you said. That's not what you said.

You said they put tape over the top of the straw. I heard that. They gave us a cup of Coke. He said they handed us a rum and Coke through the window. They handed us a drink through the window. That's what I had to explain to Hennigan. Remember the bottle? It was this big. We have photos of it.

You're right. We have video of this. No, we don't. But that's what I had to explain to Hennigan is, and Chad might not know this, Becker doesn't lose an argument. He just keeps changing it up and changing it up. He just did.

We called them. I know, but he doesn't lose. No, you called Greg. You didn't come. We win, but he doesn't lose. You were a block away. Why wouldn't you take the Uber over and pick me up? I barely knew the address to the Airbnb we were staying.

I was just driving around Phoenix waiting for someone to get back to me. You should have called Sherry. I did. I was supposed to get it. My favorite story as an example to this was Becker and I, early days, playing Scrabble on the road, and I had to piss, and we're down to the end. There's only a few letters.

Q hasn't come out yet. So I look through the crack of the bathroom door as I'm going in, and I watch him take letters out of his tray, put them back in the bag, take different letters, and I go, I caught you. You fucking cheated. No, I didn't.

I go, I just literally watched you do that. No, no, I did not do that. And you can't win an argument. No, it wasn't that I, it's the backer rule. So he is a Trump fan. He is a Trump fan. That's a Trump before it was a Trump fan. You mean Trump is a Becker fan.

Yeah. The point was, if it wasn't for me, Doug wouldn't have worked on his vocabulary to learn how to use a Q at the last minute. I played, Gretchen and Shawnee just came in, and the last time I ever played Scrabble, where I thought it was kind of good after all our years. Yeah.

And I... They kicked your ass. She put down Q-U-E. Yeah, Q... No, it's Q-U-E. Q-U-E-U-E. Q-U-E-U-E. And I had my Scrabble dictionary ready to throw in her stupid face.

Q-U-E is in there. Okay. She pulled out her updated... I show her. I go, see? It's not working. And she goes, no, I have the 2010. It is.

I'm like, fuck this game. Wow. Literally trumped. I do want to say that maybe this all would have been fixed or resolved earlier had you guys left a message Saturday morning at 10.02 a.m. There was no message left. Or made definite plans the night before. True that. We did.

I said we're going to the fair. That's not a definite plan. Oh, is it? Let's move on. So I'm going to fix my card. I'm not weighing in on this part. Let's move on. Here's the point. How was the fair? What was the food? They had deep fried butter sticks? The food was basically a food fair.

I saw more food than I saw rides, and it was the same food repeated, the extreme bacon-wrapped sausage stuffed in a turkey. Deep fried butter, you said. The food is the right. Deep fried Oreos, Twinkies. Yeah, see, I can't eat any of that. All of this. You wouldn't want to eat

any of it, but the thing was is you'd walk past a glom of these, and they all have 40-foot fucking signs. They're incredibly extreme. Airbrush marquees. And then you go past the four tents of the fucking Mexican sombreros

and the guys who spray paint your name on a t-shirt. Bingo, yeah. And then there's another cluster of the exact same fucking thing and it just repeats. Oh, fuck. I wouldn't have gone to that. That's horrible. That sounds stupid.

I'm glad I didn't go. Now, as far as the actual art and things that are inside, we didn't really fucking pay attention to any of that. Petting zoo? Fig cabbage? We stumbled into the livestock area only because we thought it was the restroom area.

Based on the smell. Based on the smell. We just had a, quickly, we just had a sewer line broke coming from the quiet house to the street, and they're going to have to come in tomorrow and dig up the entire fucking thing to find out. Collapse line is what it is. Whose side it's on.

Does the city pay for it? Do I pay for it? And bingo, after she's telling me about the twister and the twister and the twister, and she goes, I've been peeing outside a lot and i didn't know if she meant at the airbnb or at the state fair because it was completely out of context with the discussion and we were in the backyard so when she said i've been peeing outside a lot i thought she was using the front yard i'm like why didn't you at least pee in the backyard where no one's going to... Well, there's not a lot of places

to pee in that backyard. It's all artificial grass. I had just had an ordeal with peeing on a naked guy in a storefront window. It sounds like you're the one who's peeing outside. Remember, I walked around. We were outside that night getting drunk out there in the backyard, and I walked around trying to find a place to pee,

but there was it was all artificial grass everywhere it's not a lot of it looked great but yeah but there's not a lot of places to go pee so i was like well fuck it all right i found a place there's like a little garage on the side and it has like a six inch gap between the the brick wall and the garage so i'm like i'll just go over there and pee back behind that, and that's the best, most discreet place to pee in here. So I, drunk as I was, I sat there and pissed forever and then realized fucking halfway through

that it was all flooding back onto my socks. There's a whole lot of pee this weekend. Was that the socks in the bag when we were leaving? No. Okay. No, that was... So I got... I hurried up and jumped back.

I pee on my socks to wash them. I hurried up and jumped back and pulled them off and threw them over the wall. Oh, that's nice. Into the alley. There was no alley. It's just a next door neighbor. No, the back wall was an alley.

I checked because I... Well because I was drunk as fuck, and I was like, oh, that's fucked up, and I didn't know what to do. You try to be discreet about it, and you do whatever you can do. And then I went back and sat down at the table, and we were sitting there drinking and bullshit, and I lasted maybe five fucking minutes

before I couldn't help it, and I told you guys. Yep, and then you squealed on your cell phone. Hey, guys, if you're going to gonna pee don't pee on artificial turf I usually wait a while before I fucking tell some story that's so funny happened but I can't stop thinking about it we'll have I'm telling the story and you guys are laughing

and the becker says I know you're telling the truth because you don't look good in the story. And you fucking don't have any socks on. No, I tell people, you can tell if somebody's telling the truth. If they look horrible in the story when they tell you, you go, no, that's 100% true. I don't care what you think.

He sounded terrible. They're not a knight in shining armor. All right, this segues into Saturday night. You guys took off and bingo left. I had to do that one last podcast. You had a 9.30. Yeah. But Bill Burr was at like 7.

Yeah, so we went down. I caught the end of Burr. It was sold out. I don't want to take a civilian seat when they need to see Burr. I can listen to it. But they had a couple seats, you know, obstructed view seats for convention

people, I was going to say. Whatever. Festival folk. So I caught the last few minutes of that. I had to do the podcast is called Guys We Fucked. Two funny chicks, comedians. Katrina and Corinne.

Corinne and Christina. Christina? Yeah. Corinne, I can't fucking remember her last name. God damn it. But it's the Guys We Fucked podcast. Yeah. And Christina Hutchinson, I believe.

Yes. And it's about guys they fucked. Christina Hutchinson, I believe. Yes. And they have a... It's about guys they fucked. It's about being cool with being... Female sexuality. One of those... They're cool as shit. The audience was like playing on Ellen.

I'm going to go on The View right now as the drunken guest. 90% ladies. But I think they appreciated you. They wouldn't have without those two girls. Oh, no, darn. They were the coolest chicks in the world because when it got tense in the room

because you would go, rape. Yeah, well, no. Yeah. But yeah, they defended you and then that diffused the crowd because the crowd was like, we should be offended. And she goes, nope, you shouldn't.

They are comics. They're comics, too. But it was really good. That was very good. They had a book just came out. I want to plug their book. It's called Fucked. And then it's got a subtitle about something about sexuality

with female and blah, blah, blah. It's called Fucked. If nothing else, buy it and throw it in the back of your car. Don't confuse it with the other book, Fucked. That's all you need to know. If nothing else, buy it and throw it in the back of your car. Don't confuse it with the other book, Fucked. Yeah. They have a show they run. The themed show that they do stand-up at with other guests, I assume, is called Sorry About Last Night.

Yes. So that's where you find their Twitter. You just... You'll find it. Sorry About Last Night is how you find them. That's their website. And they're on All Things Comedy. They're under that umbrella.

Actually, they're not. Shaley's going to put links in the fucking thing. I'm trying to get out the fact that you did a swap cast with them. And the segue was, I have a story that I had never intended to tell anyone that

just blurted out because they asked me. And I go, oh, fuck, I never told anyone. It's not that bad a story compared to my past. It was very good. It was very good. Like the way that it rolled. It was like Becker said, I didn't look good in the story. You know, it's true.

And I forgot till today. I know, it's true. Absolutely. And I forgot till today. I go, you know what? We don't have a lot of crossover audience. No one's going to hear that podcast. My fans. And then I go, oh, fuck, that's a swap cast. So, yeah, you will.

It was good. They were good. No, it was really good. It was different. We stayed. And then you did. Are you going somewhere with this? No, good. It was different. We stayed. And then you did. Are you going somewhere with this? No, no.

I was wrapping up the weekend. And you were going to kill this podcast. Then you opened the show. I don't remember a lot after that. Yeah, I went out and I hosted this show and then closed the show. Which is very interesting because I wanted to take umbrage with the way you ran out during our show at the Orpheum. Just fucking, I'm just going to go out there even though I'm seating Becker

and Jared and John and I'm going to tell the sound man, hey, we're going to start soon and then you fucking get on stage and I hear people yelling and I'm running from the back of the house. That's how we do our podcast. No, that's not what we decided how we were going to do it. We were in a theater

and we had plans. We were in a theater and we had plans. We were in a theater, a thousand seats, and there were 200 people. You decided to do a 10-minute warning and didn't tell fucking anyone. So I left that in the podcast that everyone got to hear how chaotic it was. Is there a 10-minute dead area?

No, I trimmed that part. But then you just walked out without telling the staff, not telling the sound guy, Brad or Gabe, that you were going to go do it. You just went out because it was too loud in the green room. So you stood out there and just vamped for a while. I had to get my head together. I understand.

But then I realized, oh, it's not me. It's you. That's just your thing. You will start a show when you want. It's not a thing where you just, well, let's get this over with. It's not going to hurt the podcast. It's not. It doesn't.

I'm just saying I felt better about this. Like, oh, he's fucking with them, too. Fuck them. Well, yeah. That's what we do on the podcast. You start recording sometimes 15 minutes before we know. See what we get. That's how it goes.

It all worked out. No one got arrested. We're not in the papers. It's not like you went to the state fair and ate mushrooms in front of the sheriff's satellite station. Eating sticks of butter in front of the sheriff's department.

There was animatronic dinosaurs back here. Don't keep talking! Leave it alone! Keep picking at it! We liked it. I thought it was pretty decent. To be fair, we were driving out of town and Jerry goes, hey, the fair's still going on.

You want to go? I said, yeah. And he goes, nope. Oh, fuck! Last night we get done at... You went on, I think, at midnight and you opened the show and then the the show was going to keep going but we had planned to leave a couple hours before that and then i go let's do it

we're gonna go we go to this place called top golf it's like 20 miles away and i drove there and it was a it was fucking fantastic we got in there like 115 we're the only ones there it's like a triple story like driving range Drunken driving range. Yeah, out in the middle of nowhere. It's right next to Walking Stick Casino. It was fucking fantastic. We're hitting balls. And it registers where your ball goes and everything. It tells you where it is so you sit and watch the screen. The balls come

up on the tee. You hit 180. But they roll out at you. You wave your foot and they come popping out. But it's a bar. You can drink there. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Great food. And they were so nice to us. They were like, I think they thought we were at the paper or something.

So we're crushing the shit out of this ball. And this morning, I talked to Tracy and I had to walk it backwards to figure out, at one point, she doesn't remember

swinging a club. She had blacked out. She goes, we ate? I go, what? You picked off the menu. And I go, go wait a minute you were swinging a golf club was i good yeah no she was really good but the point was is i kept thinking she's hitting this yeah yeah yeah it was empty yeah so that's how we we closed that place i don't know what time i got home because that show just seemed interminable. And that's when I took one of Jet's time release Adderall.

ProVigil. ProVigil. Those are the fighter pilots. Those are a little different. That's different than Adderall. ProVigil. ProVigil. Those are the fighter pilots. Those are a little different. That's different than Adderall. Well, yeah. I still had time on the meter at like 8 o'clock this morning. Trying to sleep.

That's what I ate to drive home. And you're still awake. Those are good. Two days later. You came home after 4 because everyone was in bed. Well, they kept saying you have to close it out i hope you opened it come on just please and that fucking kid he kept telling me jimmy wisman wisman yeah he kept telling me there's two more comics and then you go and then two comics

later there's only three more and just close it out come on there's been like eight comics since you said two comics you fuck it but i hung out, and then I probably said stupid shit for too long and made it home because of that John guy whose name I can't remember. He got me to the corner, got me an Uber, got home. Oh, sounds like you need a John, not a phone. Yeah. So do you, Becker. You need one on the AstroT anybody have john's number maybe i can get

a hold of him when i want to get becker to go to the fair hey they're always john's when you get a hold of them thanks all right always take them to the fair i have a few thank yous but i do want to say thank you to all things comedy uh stand up live and uh outback productions and dorfman was All Things Comedy, Stand Up Live, and Outback Productions. And Dorfman was fucking awesome. He was amazing. That was a very fun festival. It was the inaugural comedy fest for All Things Comedy. And All Things Point to Yes for number two. We got some good ideas for next year.

Well, we're probably not allowed to go. But if you can. We can stop by a thousand feet away. We can get tickets. We can get tickets. We can get tickets. We'll get Australian Pete. We'll go to the fair. There we go.

I've got horrible feelings. We can go to the fair. On the Twister. Next year, we're going to have to... We'll probably be running all things spite. And a car wash on Thomas. All right. Thank you.

And what do we play this out with? What's appropriate? Well, before we do that, there's going to be a weird clunky edit point in the middle of this where I have to shoehorn some ads in. But you already heard it. So let's just close out on something. Some Bird Cloud.

Yeah, Bird Cloud. Bird Cloud, who are right now doing Ralphie Mae's acid that they tweeted. What? They tweeted a picture of a couple of hits of Ralphie Mae acid that they said was, I forget

how they phrased it, but kick you in the ass. Fire, fire acid. Yeah. So, and then they continued to tweet, oh, he wasn't lying. Oh, all caps, LOL, going up. Oh, Jesus. So, here's to the bird cloud celebrating Ralphie Mae with acid,

and thanks for all of you who came out. all my clothes and then I went down on a rodeo clown while the bulls all watched and gathered around man man tripping on shrooms cussing out the moon like flowers for Algernon ran down to the Parthenon something wrong with your marble ding-dong. Took some speed to calm me down, and I'll never fuck Poseidon again. Man. Sang CCR after huffing gasoline.

Threw a potato salad on the karaoke machine. Told my friends kids Santa wasn't real are you interested in movies yet do you wanna feel one man man

man Man