The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #235: Fat Mike says, “Call Me Piss-Mael”

Episode Date: November 22, 2017

Doug and Fat Mike (NOFX) finally share a little face time after a show in San Francisco, CA.Pre-Order a SIGNED copy of Doug's NEW book, " This Is Not Fame: A "From What I Re-Memoir"" at - http://bit.ly/2AwBH3yBingo's book "Let Me Out: A Madhouse Diary" is now available at http://www.bingobingaman.com/Recorded Nov. 15th, 2017 at Cobb's Comedy Club Green Room in San Francisco, CA with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Fat Mike from NOFX (@FatMike_of_NOFX), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.You will never miss out on Stanhope's 2018 Tour Dates if you get on the Mailing List. http://www.dougstanhope.com/Closing song, “I Believe In Goddess”, by NOFX from the demo EP STOKE EXTINGUISHER. Available soon on iTunes.LINKS:Buy a SIGNED copy of Bingo's Book at http://www.bingobingaman.com/Brendon Walsh - http://www.brendonwalsh.com/Jon Ronson – The Butterfly Effect podcast - http://www.jonronson.com/butterfly.htmlChad Shank Voice Over info at AudioShank.comSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

All right, this podcast was night two at Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco. Second to last night before the end of my tour in D.C., Fat Mike, who I didn't, I honestly forgot about Fat Mike because so many people showed up at that gig that by the time fat Mike was the only guy I was looking forward to seeing in San Francisco, but every fucking person in the world showed up to the point where when I walked in, I had no idea it was him. Here's a guy in a fucking,

uh, full leathers, uh, kilt, black kilt and spangles and fucked it he's got chaley hair and he's like hey and he's like i i was confused and he goes fat mike i went oh fuck so confused with the other people you hugged him i know and and went back and i'm all fat Mike. And you went, oh, hey, you'd already given him like a welcome to the green room, getting ready to go on the show and everything like that.

Fucking Sam. I understand. Fucking Sasquatch. Sam Sasquatch shows up and he had already said he's coming with his drummer friend from a band. So I assume this fucking weird guy in a mohawk and a leather kilt that's 50 years old is the drummer friend. So I just hugged him because he's a friend of a friend. That was Fat Mike. And here's our podcast, slightly edited.

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. All right, are we ready to roll? All right, you're rolling? We're rolling. Everything's live? We're rolling, we're live. Go pee. Do you want to shut the... Yeah, no, no, everything's fine.

Everything's fine! Hey, this is the Doug Steno podcast. No one's paying attention to it. We just wrapped up our second show at Cobb's in San Francisco. I had fun. I don't know if they did, but San Francisco is one of those many cities that I like to shit on because it's not as cool as they think it is, even though it's a great city. It's a fantastic city.

But sometimes you have to tell them it's not as great as they make it out to be. So I probably shit on the crowd way too much for the last two nights. But we have a special guest. We have a lot of special guests that are talking in the background. Don't know that we're actually recording, but it's going to be that kind of podcast. Brett Erickson's here. Morgan Murphy's here. She did not appear on the stage.

She's, I don't know, are you high as shit or drunk as shit or both? Because you have... I was wishing that you were taking my place for a lot of that. She did her act up here. I was missing a lot of beats, but there's a lot of new beats to be had. And finally, the meaning of the minds. Fat Mike, who I fell in love with when I read his book, No FX, Hepatitis Bathtub, and other stories.

Other stories, mostly. One of the best, because I like to, when I was writing books, I was reading comics biographies, and there's not a lot of backstage shit that goes on. No, they don't tear the dirt. Yeah, so I had to go to... I don't listen to music much. I certainly don't listen to punk rock.

I'm leaving. Do you label it? Do you have a label for your type of... Yeah, I have my own label. Is it called Punk Rock? Yeah, my label is called Punk Rock Music. No, it's called Fat Records. There's death metal and thrash metal.

No, no, punk rock is good music. It's good but I don't know the difference this is what I tried to explain I don't know emo from fucking trance

I tried to explain this or I go Doug is punk rock without knowing or or liking punk rock music you

you're a very do it yourself I mean the whole when you were on stage tonight I was like that's me that's me but he gets away with

more than I do you know cause I get away with a lot people are like how could you say're on stage tonight, I was like, that's me. That's me, but he gets away with more than I do. You know, because I get away with a lot. People are like, how could you say that on stage? You should be able to get away with anything because no one can understand the lyrics. No, I'm talking about between songs, guy. But I say so much shit. And how can you say that? How can you talk shit about the band that's playing right next to you?

Like, you know, tell that band that's playing right next to you like you know tell that band to fuck off because they believe in dinosaurs and because uh that's a weird thing it's kind of i learned from you before i ever met you weird thing comics are generally supportive of each other and i remember when i was a kid i'd go to concerts and the opening act would get fucking booed off stage well you were seeing journey or something right you wouldn't go to punk rock shows no no well no you get booed off stage as a headliner in a punk rock show we came to see you get a spit on your face yeah and get bottles thrown at your head yeah but you know that's where you make the money but there's a lot more antagonism with musicians, probably because there's a lot more of them.

I don't know. Y'all draw dick pictures in green rooms. No. No, punk rock bands are supportive of each other. Metal bands aren't. Like, I snuck into Slayer's backstage room and stole some snacks from them. And Kerry King got so mad.

Like, the show's over. I'm stealing some chips. Get out of my fucking room. Slayer snacks. Who cares? Slayer snacks. Plus, you have to count on so many more people. I know Erickson is going to be

solid. If I'm fucked, no matter how fucked Erickson is, I know he's going to be solid. I don't have to... You have to follow... They fucking threw a bass guitar through a fucking amp because they were pissed off about the snacks.

You know, I'm going to take you to your first funk show and you'll realize it's not like that. You're thinking of The Who. The Who. You heard of that band? Yeah, we were talking today. They're going to pull all of these outed, celebrity, famous, powerful people. We're going to take Harvey Feinstein's name out of the Hall of Fame of producers.

Harvey Feinstein? Whatever. I mean, I don't want to... Yes, and. Jew. When you read... That Jew. Oh, that's what...

That Jew. That's what my golfing friends call me, that. That Jew. When you read his book or any of those in the day, the fucking green room stories, the shit you guys did. Yeah, but we did something different. I mean, the opening line is, the first time I drank piss was on a balcony

I was going to start it with call me piss mail but I thought that I didn't want to go for the laugh I wanted to go for reality I think we just got the title of the podcast call me piss mail that was fucking brilliant

I talked about it somewhat on stage I haven't got deep into it yet But George Bush Grabbing some fucking girl's ass In a photo op Compared to the shit that bands do In green rooms Are you going to really call

We're taking all Led Zeppelin Off the shelves Because of that fish story It's different. Well, punk rock bands don't do that, by the way, which is weird. But a rock band, if you're a girl going to backstage and you had to suck a cock to get backstage and you're going to hang out with a band,

you're not getting... Tacit agreement. Yeah. But if you are going for a job and someone uses you to get the job, then it's fucked up. So I like that they're calling everyone out. But comedians, like, you know, Louis C.K. He was jerking off.

And he apologized. I think he can get away with it. Well, the problem is I said this on stage last night. If Louis C.K., who says his career is over, destroyed, if he was just doing stand-up comedy,

he could sell out ten times the amount of shows that I sold out here. But his show is so genius. But I'm saying, as a comic, you're beholden to no one. What you said last night was like, he could sell out this room ten times over.

He could bump me today as the biggest fucking evil misogynist. But I'm in the BDSM scene. I'm taking your gig. I'm in the BDSM scene. We do fucked up shit. If I fucking piss on a girl and cane her, it's not to get a job. It's because of what we do.

We do crazy shit. Yeah. I jerk off to that. You jerk off to my you have my videos you dot com you fuck yeah king.com i mean i'm in so many king.com videos you really are i fuck yeah i am you know my wife you know my wife did that immediately my wife to be fair he's not really looking for you mike yeah my well we're not the divorce papers aren't signed yet my ex almost ex-wife

worked there and you know she did she goes ask the owner peter who is the lowest of the lowest slaves here who's the lowest slave and they found her and she says i want you to fucking beat my husband's ass and she fucking beat my ass that's fucking that's. I don't know what happened. I don't know if that's love. That's just fucking cool as fuck. I used to do a bit about... Well, I might even be in my new book. That fucking kid that killed himself. I get a letter from a kid. Wait, which one?

We need to back up a little bit here. It was the kid that was about to go to jail, prison, for seven years for looking at child porn and he wrote me by the time you read this I'll be dead letter and he wasn't kidding he's dead but he was facing seven years

and in defending him versus Andy Andrus molester I said, first of all he was only looking at it and I say I'm not into child porn, but there's a lot of stuff I jerk off to on the internet that I wouldn't do in real life because it would hurt a lot. You'd do it in real life.

I just jerk off to it. No, everything's essential in what's the age of consent. That's a good point. That's a good point that I'll get in real trouble for. But, you know, I have empathy for people who have sexual desires for things that you're not allowed to. age of consent. That's a good point. That's a good point that I'll get in real trouble for. But, you know, I have empathy for people who have sexual desires for things that you're not allowed to.

Taboo. Yeah, but it's not taboo. You're not allowed to because there's no consent. It's fucking wrong. But what's the age of consent? You know, 14, 15, whatever it is. The real point is,

are you harming somebody? Step it back a little. Are you harming somebody? Step it back a little. Are you harming somebody? Are you exploiting somebody? Exactly. Are you hurting somebody is what it really comes down to. Because an 80-year-old... I mean, my dad was 39.

He married an 18-year-old when she was 19. I was like, Dad, she's still young. You're using this woman. If you go through your lineage, there's going to be... My dad was my mother's teacher in biology. He was fucking her when she was 17 and he was 36. And it's probably the only time he ever got laid in his life was me and my brother. You want to hear something you'll believe?

It's that 30 years I had sex with two women. I'm not in the profession that that happens. But I had two wives and they're both fucking awesome lays. You get a bunch of bandmates here. Not mates, but you're a different band.

You don't get laid. That guy doesn't get laid. I'm different than other people. You're a different band. You don't get laid. Come on. That guy doesn't get laid. No, I'm different than the other people. He gets laid a lot. He gets laid. Chuck from the Med Caddies gets laid a lot, okay? For the listener at home, we're talking to a fat guy in a leather kilt. This is a man's miniskirt, Doug.

I know. Get it right. I'm pointing to a guy off mic that looks like any kind of Dutch warrior. Who's the Scottish guy here? Looks like Bradley Cooper. Where is the Scottish guy? They say the thing where you're supposed to wear nothing under your kilt, right?

That's like the rules. You're about to show something. Well, I wear panties. But not just because I feel feminine. But because when you shart in a kilt, you're fucked. You know, there's no catcher.

That's an album title. It ends up in your shoe. You're fucked. If you were 29, you'd be writing that down. Hey, your Hershey bar melted. Great album title. You need some kind of catcher's mitt. Shart in a kilt.

You know what I'm talking about. A diffuser. You shart. How often do you shart a week? I have to interject Brandon Walsh right here. Shart, shart, it's poop mixed with fart. These are the jeans that I tore apart with a shart. I didn't mean to lose control.

No, but it's not that. Sometimes you're like, this could be a shart, but I'm willing to take the chance right now. Gambling. Yeah, yeah. Gambling addict. Sometimes you're just like, oh, this is a fart. And then you're in line at a hotel waiting for your and then it's terrible. Or you're on the wharf today. What?

Oh, who sharted? Who sharted? No, that was me. I don't like crepes, but I went in there because I thought they had a bathroom. Jesus Christ. We're taking a picture right now? Yeah. Plads and leather? It's not video.

He's the Scotsman. He's the one that would say you're not supposed to wear panties with a kilt. It's a leather kilt. San Francisco. Mike, you know, when I was 30 and you were 40, you told me, when you turn 40, Chuck, remember, never trust a fart and never waste a boner. I know the wasting a boner part.

Your friend, I have to repeat it so people listening can, you said never trust a fart and never waste a boner. And I'm old enough to know the never waste a boner angle. I don't care about sharks. The problem is I don't get horny unless I do cocaine. But then you do more than one or two lines, and then it's like, ugh. You're going to underperform. Not if you use rope.

Not if you use rope. Or over promise Rope, type your shit with rope Fat Mike from NoFX Rope Cialis or Viagra Same thing, keep some blood in the vicinity Oh yeah, thank you

Yeah, that's not good though, man What, rope? That can cause damage You can't damage this shit down here anymore You see the size of my knuckles? That's you Doug, let me ask you this Boner pills, go ahead damage. You can't damage this shit down here anymore. You see the size of my knuckles? Doug, let me ask you this. Boner pills. Go ahead.

Boner pills, yeah, it gives you a headache. I did that for a couple years. Very racy. Yeah, my balls have been stretched for a while. When you take a shit, we're the same age, 50. Do you touch water or no? Yeah. It's fucked up. The balls are touching water yeah and

you're shitting in that water you're soaking in it you ignore that see you asked if anyone had a bidet or asked if you have bidet yeah i don't have a bidet i have a thing uh it's a it's like a hose next to my toilet i do the 80 no no bidet is what the fuck a bidet is you take a shit and you have to move over to the bidet no no no no no no no you tell me japanese that's your dad a bidet is... What the fuck? A bidet is... You take a shit and you have to move over to the bidet. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're talking about Japanese ones. That's your dad's bidet. This is a new...

No, I don't have that. New era. I have South Korea bidet where they're not fucking mongrels. Well, they are. But you still have to... You have to move your ass to the wall. No, no, no. I have a thing that...

You know the sink things? What do they have? Some kind of like scope on your ass? No, no, I'm telling you. Why don't you come down to Black Moth? The things that you put in your sink to wash dishes? I have one of those next to my toilet. You just take it and...

Yeah, but I don't have anyone close to my asshole ever, so I don't really care. I don't have someone close to my... No, you could do it yourself. I know, but the point is... And Erickson just did a very strong bit that I've never heard you do about bidets tonight. Yes, that's what I brought up. That would be something when I was

fucking 30. I'd go, oh, I shouldn't have my asshole all stinky if I'm going to get laid after a show. But now I go seven, eight days without showering at all. You want to talk about not showering? Punk rock has me

beat, I'm sure. No, no. B-A-Z. How long has it been since I showered? One month. Six months? No, no. Over a month, yeah.

Over a month. How is he? And I don't smell. Why does Baz know? But, but. He's French. He's French. But you also just got.

I don't smell. I don't smell. But you just got divorced. Jew film. You just got divorced, too. Yesterday. Yesterday, you just got divorced and did your first open mic set doing stand-up comedy. No, no, that was a little bit before.

But, you know, it was crazy. It's been in the time since you showered. I know. I just... It's so European. It's nice. No, but me and my wife were splitting up all our fucking SM stuff.

Our latex and cocks. Hang on, because I read the books. You guys had a full dungeon situation. It was a lifestyle. It was a lifestyle. It wasn't a really bad breakup. She got sober, which is breakup. She got sober,

which is weird and kind of stuck, got into Buddhism and she took the BDSM out of Buddhism. Hey. Yeah. No, I have a weird brain.

Like the other day, I was singing a song about Switzerland taking the Jew gold And Switzerland dropped six letters It spells Nazis backwards What the fuck thinks of that shit It does

But first of all you do have a brilliant mind In a Not necessarily a positive way You have some mental health issues You have some I just think I'm more normal than everyone else. That's... I understand that.

That's why we're here together. I get that. With your book, which is so well written because it includes all the guys from NoFX. So there's one chapter, he tells his story. In the next chapter,

one of the other guys goes, he's full of shit. I never stole anything from that lady. I don't remember it like that. It's all close. It's all close. It's so well written. Thank you so much.

But usually all of those books you read, they get sober at the end. And that's why they're writing a book you come out as a deviant bottom in the bdsm world that's still drinking and that's why i can fucking top too yeah you know i tried drugs at 32 so that's my secret yeah that's why i knew you i guess you how do i think i tweeted about your book that's why I knew you, I guess you, how do I think I tweeted about your book. That's how we met. Something like that. Someone told someone And we both killed our moms. Yeah, oh that's

right. And I tweeted you on Mother's Day. I said, happy, killed our Mother's Day. Not tweeted you. I actually texted. Texted, hey. I just say typing at now. And you said, is it great? We don't have to get up early. It's like Kwanzaa or something. It's funny.

It's a good reply. I remember we were drunk on a podcast and we had you on speakerphone or Skype. However it worked. I'm going to say text. But eventually. Yeah, we didn't know we each killed each other's mom.

Yeah. Well, that's wrong. No, no. You killed your mom, motherfucker. I killed my own mom. I take care of business. Tell us how you killed your mom. Oh, so I can go to jail?

You know, I was actually pissed because I should have done Tony Soprano style. This isn't live. I should have done Tony Soprano style and put a pillow on her face. Because that would have taken five minutes. But I listened to the doctors and shot her up with all these pills and morphine. And it took like over 30 hours of horribleness. What are you drinking? Oh, of Jamie.

Of Jamie? Yeah. It was horrible. It was 30 hours of just fucking... She was suffering. She was... Of course she was suffering. When...

Why did the doctors just tell me, put a pillow on her face? Was she in the hospice? If I was a man, I would have done that. Was it hospice situation? Well, yeah. And she asked me

in front of all her friends if you could help, if I could help her. So... Ma, ma, save this for private. Save this for when you're caning me. One last one for the road. It kind of stuck.

When she found all my junk, though, when she found my canes and whips and everything, that was good shit. You roasted your mom. Tell me. There's people listening to this that don't know the story. Tell me. Okay, her and her 80-year- people listening to this that don't know the story. Tell me. Okay. Her and her 80-year-old woman girlfriend, I don't know, they were at my house, and a

TV repairman was trying to fix my TV. He pushed a button, and my DVD came on of some woman tied to the ceiling getting bull whipped. Hey, man. Oh, I'm sorry. His pearl bracelet just fell off while he was gesticulating. I think he ripped this off from Wilma's neck. These are for the butt.

They're just not pearls. Anyway. Whoa, what? Your butt? Attell and I had a very deep conversation about why do they make anal beads in white? Right. I think we both were doing the same bit about it. It should be like black Hawaiian beads.

So you know when they're dirty. So you know when you have to clean them. Unless you have a bidet. Callback. Thanks. So the TV repairman pushes the button and he's not looking. And just there's a girl getting whipped by another woman big screen tv and my mom and her 80 year old friend are just looking at it and no one's saying anything

and i don't i'm not i don't like jump or anything i'm like hey dude uh can you stop that from happening no the tv repairman i thought i'm gonna jump going to jump. I can deal with this. Dude. See? He's like, oh. Did she die before your book came out? Can you stop that? Looks like your TV works to me. Both of my parents died.

They were talking about who's going to die first. So that's all they knew about you was that video? You weren't in it. No, but it was kind of the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me. But then I just owned it. Once you own it. They didn't just owned it. Once you own it... They didn't say anything. But once you own it, they shut up.

And now look at my son's closet. Jewish people, man. All right, let's get back to the divorce, because now, after how long were you together in your BDSM lifestyle? Well, I've been lifestyle since I was 18, but I was with a dominatrix for seven years. We were married for a year and a half.

All right, because that's kind of how you came out in the book, where I was hoping you weren't going to get sober. You came out, yeah, no, I'd like to get beat with fucking whatever. No, I'm so done with society rules. Drugs are like like they're awesome and uh when your life becomes out of control that's a problem but i don't have actually an aa slogan that works for drugs keep coming back it works if you work it keep doing drugs it works if you work them it's not ridiculous. My therapist says, you're doing great.

Are you missing meetings? Is anything in your life fucking up? No, I'm having a lot of fun. And everything's going well. He doesn't have kids? Yeah, I have a daughter. You have a daughter? My daughter said to me the other day

when I was playing a show, she goes, Daddy, I know you wear dresses, but you look like a hooker. You're sending the wrong message to young women. And my stepdaughter, who's 17, bought me high heels for Father's Day.

Now that is normal. People think it's weird, but no, that's how it should be. She's like, Dad, we don't wear fucking white after Labor Day. No, no. They were white heels. They were white heels. She got me a purse that matched it. What size?

It's really nice. What size? What size? Well, in women's 11. You're a fat chick. I'm a fat chick. I know. The dresses I wear, they have to be like baby dolls.

They have to, it sucks. So you want to go back to this divorce thing? Yeah, I want to get back to where you have to, after how long were you together with the- Seven years. Seven years. Best times of my life. So you've amassed a collection of-

Latex, leather, cocks. Apparatus. Yeah, good stuff. And you have to, Because that's fucking expensive. Sam, sorry Quar can attest to that. I have a walk-in closet full of latex. Baz, say oui.

Oui. He's French. We filmed a failed pilot, I'll just call it. And one of the gags, we required an abundance of sex toys. And you forget, that shit's really expensive. Well, I'm Jewish.

We needed a trunk to open up and all these sex toys fall out. And we're on a limited budget. Yeah. We also had a family dollar. But, you know, you can go to any store. It's really a sex store. It had to look appropriate. Yeah, anything can fit in your ass in a dollar store.

Yeah, you get lube. That's exactly right. Clothes pins. You got duct tape. Carrots. Carrots. Hey, these are expired. It's fine.

Not when we were using them. We're splitting up our stuff. Walk me through. We're in the condo, splitting up our stuff. You had an amicable divorce. It's very amicable. We had lunch after our mediation, which is really good. But we're splitting up our stuff, and we're crying a little bit, and it's sad.

And I just said, do you want to go to a comedy club now? My friend Dave Ross is playing. And she's like, okay, let's do that. Because why not? It's absurd. And my life's absurd. How was he? He was good.

But I said, Dave, I've never done stand-up before, but can I go up and just... Oh, that was the night you went up? Yeah, I'm like, I'm feeling so awkward. I think I could do comedy. And I went up and did a little thing, and it worked. Did you do the Buddhism joke? It's a fucking strong joke.

No, no. No, I'll tell you what I said. Please. The first time I met my wife, I was at her dungeon, and her slave girl said, no one gets to go into her bedroom, but she wants you in her bedroom. And I said, okay. She put on David Bowie and put on this

cock put on a dildo she's like I'm gonna fuck your ass with this and I'm gonna fuck your pussy hole and I was looking at it thinking god that's really small I can take a lot more than that but you can't

say that to this hot dominatrix you gotta be like no mistress don't don't don't fuck me with that foreign still though oh the women have played the same game for me oh yeah don't hurt me too bad with that so i did i played the game game for me. Oh, yeah. Don't hurt me too bad with that. So I played the game.

I'm like, oh, oh, oh. I just put my mouth in another girl's pussy and whatever. So it's cool. It works out well. But if any chick ever comes out with a hashtag MeToo about me, I'm just going to tweet a picture of my dick

and go, how bad could it have been? So that got some laughs. Go ahead. Then I went to the serious part, where years later in Australia... Always great when a first-time open-miker has a serious part. No, no.

The touching episode. I heard from comics that when no one's making any sound, it's hard. You've got to bomb. To have fun, you've got to bomb a little. So I put in the part where everyone was like, oh, oh, oh, God. So in Australia, she came at me with a big black cock with another dom.

She's like, oh, no, you're getting it tonight. This is where you get racist. It was black. Okay, it was like prison black cock. It was the biggest cock I ever saw. Couldn't fill in my mouth. He was like, oh, you're going to lube it up. I'm like, I can't fill in my mouth.

So then she gets and fucks me with it. And it was like, fuck. It was, fuck. She lubed. But anyway, it was terrible. Well, you can't self-lube. No, she, yeah, I know. You're a good racist with a black cock. Yes, you can't self lube no she yeah i know if you're a good racist you can black yes you can if you do enough cocaine uh shart yeah yeah we gotta start a brand of lube

called shart anyway so yeah she destroys my ass and i'm fucking freaking out finally it's out and she comes back around and she mind fucked me. She switched cocks. It was the same cock she fucked me with on the first night. Oh, she fucking mind fucked me. And I'm like taking this little cock going. Oh, wow. Hey, thanks, everyone, for listening to the Jim Norton podcast.

We swapped guests accidentally. So that was my first routine. But it's true. I had a previous relationship try to jam a dildo in my mouth, but my fucking giant horse teeth like i could never give a blow job no no it wasn't even the size of the fucking cock it was the size of my teeth i'm like this right but you don't but you don't you you don't you can use your teeth if you're on a rubber cock and you can't if you're sucking a real cock from what i hear but you can fake it

second to real cock. From what I hear. But you can fake it. But these fucking dominatrixes, they say, no teeth. Like you can feel it. Like you don't even know.

Wow, I'm making everyone uncomfortable here. Hennegan keeps disappearing and then showing up to make photos. They gave us a tour of kink.com which kind of ruined me jerking off to kink.com. Because they have this full block. It was an old armory in San Francisco. And that's where they make all these. I know a lot of people are into the two chicks wrestling in a wrestling ring.

Wrestling's big. And the loser gets strap-on fucked. Teed on. Yeah, I know. I can't name names. But, oh, that's kink.com. I go, yeah, we just toured the factory. And they were the most miserable.

Porn people are not fun. Well, they're going out of business. That's what the problem is. They're still in business. They're just not making money from it. That was the podcast we listened to, The Butterfly Effect. Oh, yeah. That was John Ronson.

But you can still trick girls into doing it. You could be the next big porn star. Do you have your own apartment? We'll come there and film. Slave quarters there. No windows. Sucks. Yeah, we knew a fan

that was basically a janitor or something there. And he said, come down. So me and Bingo and Hannigan went and we toured. It's awesome, right? Did they take you to the rifle range at the bottom? Hannigan, they took us to basically what a hoarder would have in their garage.

All the shit they used to use. There was like real dolls that are missing limbs and shit. The basement of misfit toys. But everyone walking out of a room. There's a whole shitload of rooms. This is like, what, four stories? Yeah, yeah. And they have a different set in every room.

It took me years to get to the upper floor. Practice. I didn't have to do anything. Practice, practice, practice. Not the right people. But everyone was miserable. I hosted the AVNs one year. Oh, did you? It was all... I got three. I hosted the AVNs one year. Oh, did you?

I got three. I got three. You got three AVN awards? Yeah, for one movie. Okay. I beat Snoop Dogg. I beat Snoop Dogg. I didn't beat him with anything, no.

You've been in porn clips on kink.com or other places. How many? I don't know. Six.com or other places. How many? I don't know. Six. And I got paid. This one guy gave me a $10 check. I wanted to be a professional. Yeah, I'm a professional porn star. Even though I didn't actually have sex.

But what did you do? I pulled my car out of a parking lot. Were you a character actor? I was a judge with a limp. I was. Rubber Bordello, I was a judge with a limp that paid in $2 bills. I added a limp.

Improv. You weren't naked. You weren't porning. Oh, I'm not porning. You're just... I got like a five and a half inch or, you know, I'm not going to fucking porn against these... And the fatter you get, the shorter it gets. You just can't see it anymore.

I have naked pictures of me from when I was dating Christine. So I was like 28 or something. You were 28? Like 140 pounds and my dick was so much bigger. I'm sitting there in a bathtub with a boner and I'm like, now you get all the fat upper dick area as Brendan Walsh says. Brendan Walsh. Oh, that.

I think there's. Is that on 90210? There is a ratio. That's Brandon. Oh, Brendan. There is a ratio for like how many inches you lose for every 10 pounds or something. Well, you know what it is. I figured it out.

I was a human sexuality minor in college. Right. All it is is that your skin gets a little looser. So you lose a little feeling. That's why it's old people have a hard time getting a boner. It's got nothing else to do with the same blood. Fat makes your dick smaller. Because when you get fat,

your dick doesn't go with the fat. It goes against the grain like a belly button. Do you know something? Oh, you don't know this. No, I... I saw a demonstration. School me. You know those dick pumps? Not in that way, but school me. Those dick pumps? Yeah. Second album. Yeah, this guy I know, Danny,

is a painter. He gave a demonstration on, if you use one for like an hour and a half, it turns your dick into like a Coke can. Like super fat, but the head stays the same size. Fucking weird. Huge fat cock, tiny

little head. And then he fucked his girlfriend in front of everyone. And we're like, ugh. And she's just so bummed. She didn't know she was part of the demonstration. He didn't trick her and go, ah, just kidding. It's my friend's dick.

It's small, and you believed it. She's like, this again? Ugh. I don't make this shit up. Dick pumps can be really dangerous. It's kind of like what they call the thing with Viagra where you get priaprism. Yeah, yeah.

An extended boner. I'm calling all my friends. If you pull too much blood into your dick, it's going to turn into a fucking black eye. Like rupture vessels. He told me that he shouldn't have done it for so many years. It's a problem now. Now that I look back in life,

if I have any regret, it was that time we did too much ecstasy and I go, wait, only another hour and a half more. Wait till you see the tiny head. go wait only another hour and a half more wait till you see the tiny head it's worth the hour and a half we're going to do a 40 ouncer I'm going to make him do a 40 ouncer this time a whole English

I'm sorry I keep chain smoking oh you smoke? that's weird we still haven't gotten to the splitting up the dildos no we did We split up. But you said you had to divide your marital aids the same way other couples fight over albums. That was easy. In LA, we had three storage units full of stuff.

Then it got weird. Okay. Three storage units. Yes, we did. Full of... Yeah. Well, we had a dungeon in LA and a dungeon up here. I have a walk-in closet full of clothes for weirdos.

The biggest black dildo takes up a small amount of a storage unit. How many sizes of dildos can there be? Like six, I think. And that's... Yeah, it's not... Are we talking like shelving unit and,

and I'll be over in section B. Suspension things, we're talking about. Okay, no. Yeah, suspension rigs, fuck slings. Fuck slings.

It just still, seems like it would pack down really easy. I have a trunk that can fit two people. These are set up. And a bottle and a thing of nitrous.

Easily. All right, things of nitrous, that takes a lot of space. They're like And a bottle and a thing of nitrous. Easily. All right. Things of nitrous, that takes a lot of space. They're like magician props. They're like take up space. Right? So how does the process come down to mine, yours? Would you never really liked the suspension swing?

And my new fucking Korean old man boyfriend. She got the gynecological chair from the 60s. You know. Alright. Now you're talking storage space. Gynecological chair. They're huge. Barbershop with the stirrups in the wrong area. There's the dental chair that's not comfortable

once again from the 60s. Did she do your teeth at least? Hey, when you're done fucking my ass. She gave me tips before. Really? Yeah, she put saline solution. Ay yi yi. Hey what No she gave me Tips before She gave me tips before Really Yeah she put Saline solution Ay yi yi

Ay yi yi Yeah you're You're hardcore I just like No no It was awesome It was in Jamaica It hurt

It hurt going in But I got 250 cc's in each Yeah you're Breast And I get to walk Down the beach With her

Could not stop Touching my tits Yeah like you don't want that. You're way more punk rock than me. Duh, but... Just buy my t-shirt, I'm more punk rock than you. No, I've done a lot of stuff.

Yeah. And I lost shame and pride by two years ago. What did you lose in the divorce in just those three storage units that you missed the most? Oh, yeah. What did you haggle over? Yeah. Like what was the...

The sling. Come on. We couldn't find the sling. Describe the sling. It's leather. It's what gay men use mostly. All right. What was that?

Remember the early... Do you remember when all the weird shit you can find on the internet now, like Lemon Party we were just talking about? You always had one friend that had the VHS tape of that. There was a guy in one of those slings getting fisted, and then they pull a baby doll out of his ass. He mocks childbirth. Not mocks it, but mimics childbirth. He can't mock that. They pull a plastic doll out of his ass, and that was back in Captain Rowdy days.

He had all these weird VHS tapes that you had to know a guy. You actually saw this coming out of this guy's ass. It was a plastic poopy doll. Pretending to be

giving birth to a baby. I never once in 20, 30 years went wah. But I'm just saying do you remember the day when you could only find that shit from your weird friend who had VHS tapes of...

Yeah, I didn't understand what a boner was. My mom had a hustler magazine. She had a magazine called Cocks and Cunts. And I looked at it, and it's just close-ups of cocks and cunts. And I was just like, oh my God, this is disgusting. And then I read a story that was kinky of a submissive man and a dominant wife. And this is a boner. I was like 11 or 12.

Wow. I have a sexuality. You started strong. It's my sexuality. I drift off into weird shit. It's my sexuality. You're a words guy, though. I mean, obviously.

Right? No, some people have. The pictures didn't do it. It was the words. It was my sexuality. You're a words guy, though. I mean, obviously. Right? No, some people have... The pictures didn't do it. It was the words. It was the story. It was the buildup. Yeah, but there was no magazines that showed that.

Well, we were that age. You were that age. And you know what? The only way you could get porn is to steal it. You know? Or if your mother had a mirror above her bed

and porn and a French boyfriend. First porn I watched was Bobby Shane a mirror above her bed and porn and a french boyfriend first porn i watched was bobby shane uh found his dad's porn on reel-to-reel eight millimeter oh yeah projector i saw real real stuff that was my first porn we all watched going oh we i can't believe we're watching this and then everyone had to go to the bathroom right away afterwards. You did?

No, I didn't because I knew they knew I would be jerking off. But back then, you're fucking 15. You actually put together like you fed the 8mm reel through? No, Bobby and Bubba Shane did. They were older. On our bus once, no one in NoFX had seen cruising before. So we put it on and everyone was scared

to go to the bathroom. Like, I'm not going to the bathroom. Because people think I'm going to jerk it off to this or something like that. Got to sit for the whole movie. But, you know. I can't tell you the first millimeter video I watched.

Because it was the son of someone who was important. But he stole his dad's. Are you going to Me Too someone? Oh, Me Too? No! Because it was just black and white porn videos. Because that's the only game in town.

I'm not going to tell you who he was. Or the organization that he was president of. That was nothing. You know, nothing. No, you're good. You're good. Yeah. That's why we'll never do this live because someone always says something.

They wake up the next day going, you got to cut that out. You know what? I don't have shame or pride. Oh, I know. So it's okay. All right. Let's take a quick break to piss. We'll be back.

All right. Let me stop to say, buy my goddamn book. Pre-order it now. It comes out December 5th of the year of our Lord 2017. If you're listening to this late, it's still there at barnesandnoble.com or amazon.com if you don't want us to get credit going towards that New York Times bestseller list that we're right on the precipice of, I'm sure. But we could be because I just get the hard copy now with the pictures, and I didn't realize that I was foreshadowing, oh, so much shit.

Yeah, there's a picture of me snacking. All right, we'll just let that lay. I'll tease this on Twitter. If you don't follow me, at Doug Stano on Twitter, oh, my God, the stories that I did tell. I have stories that... Really? Who?

How many accusers? I have actual pictures. It's almost like a couple people fell on their sword to help you with your book sales. Or pulled their sword out of their pants. Oh my goodness. or pulled their sword out of their pants oh my goodness i have so uh i've never been happier to promote a book in the tease to this get the book that's the only way you're gonna see the picture of me uh in motion of and i can't believe that i pulled i go i can't have that many pictures of

this type of situation i already have a whole chapter and then there's another chapter where like if that guy came out and outed me as a me too yeah oh my it was a different day and age i guess because i'm an old man. Anyway, so for... Oh, also, if you get it at Barnes & Noble or Amazon, that's great. But if you want a signed copy, for a limited time, and there's a reason it's for a limited time, it's due to Chaley's patience of shitty email. Hey, can I get a signed copy? Yeah, if you go through my website but we have to pay the

same as you it's not like we get free books we work for the man too so we get the same price you pay on wholesalers and then we have to buy it and then have it shipped to us and then i have to sign the fucking things and then we have to pay to ship it to you and you go why is it so much more no this last email was hey doug fire your marketing idiot that was the start so one job marketing idiot and you can't do that right yeah we pay the same and then we have to actually hire people to ship it and den Denise and there's a whole shop. So, yeah, I don't mind signing the fucking thing for you. But don't bitch about the charge because we're paying all the extra shit.

It's not like I'm charging you for Sharpie ink, you fucking cunts. You're just relentlessly cunts about everything. I don't bring that out of you, do I? I try to make you in a nice all right so yeah if you want it signed or just buy it uh online and show up at a show but i probably won't be playing the states for another at least 16 months that's really why it's limited time yep yep so yeah if you if you buy it from singapore or ho chi minh city or wherever i'm going next or australia or the uk or europe and the scandinavian maybe even fucking cape town we

don't know about cape town oh really we're talking about it might wind up there for good uh yeah if you if you buy that from those countries now, you might get it six months from now. In time for me to sign it. And Bingo's book, which is beating my book in the fucking Amazon sales ratings. Yeah, her book is available at her new website, bingobingaman.com. And that also goes through us. But hers only goes through us. Yeah, we're snatching all those profits.

Fuck her. She's retarded. You can also buy it on Amazon, but right now Bingo's signing them. Signing all the books. Oh, she's been signing them all day. That's what I'm saying. You put little treasures in books. Look what I did.

And I signed it like this my signature is this indescribable in indecipherable scrawl bingo's putting little cute notes and little fucking stickers or some shit in there what else does she that's on bingo that's that's all her that's that's how she feels during the day yeah and eventually we'll both have audio books out but uh as you know if you read and listen to the first one they're they're they're a little different they're both challenging all right thank you let's get back to this podcast before i shit my pants anyway so the band you still do no effects but you have your side project, or maybe now it's a... I just do things.

I do stuff. Doing stuff. Not underrated. Me first is the other band project. Yeah, cover band. I'm trying to plug you, you fucking cunt. Don't plug me. Don't talk to me about plugging.

I'll share this with you. Yeah, it moved. I'll share this with you. The new word that disturbs me so bad because everyone says it. Remember Erickson? He used to do radio, like terrestrial, can't swear. But once people realized you could say douche, and that wasn't, everyone started saying douche.

And now the word is cuck. And I learned the word cuckold. Are you a cuckold? No, no, I'm not. But I learned it from watching strap-on movies when the internet was new, and I hate... You're a cuck. Say cuckold.

Say the full fucking word, because cuck is just... You don't even know what you're saying, probably. You're just saying douche. You're saying cuck. I used to do a new song, because my ex-wife, she had a Jewish girlfriend and she was staying with her. And I'm like, God, you're staying with her

more than me. So I wrote a song about them. And they came over in the morning to our dungeon where I was by myself and they said at the end of the band, I go, hey, I wrote a song for you guys. And her girlfriend it was the worst thing she's ever heard.

I can imagine you doing your music unplugged on an acoustic guitar at the foot of a bed. This pretty song in front of my wife and her girlfriend. I can't imagine you

singing softly. Hey, I wrote a song for you. You're so not punk. I don't like music. I'll a song for you. You're so not punk. I don't like music. I'm very open about it. It embarrasses me. I had to learn all the lesbian tricks. How many people know that you have to pull the hood up?

You pull the clitoral hood up when you're doing that. Did you know that? No. I had to talk to my wife's girlfriend. What kind of tricks do you know that I don't know? She hooked me up. Yeah. In my

adult life... You guys know about that, right? You got to pull the hood up. Then when you're going to come, guys, don't speed up. Keep it the same meter. Like a metronome. Yeah, I used to...

See? I used to do a joke about boner pill spam and saying, is there a pill that's going to make me care if she comes? Because that's my worst problem as a lover. It's not really the boner as much as I don't care. I'm just going to get out of here as quickly as possible. That's what's good about having a slave girl.

She wasn't my slave girl. She was my wife's slave girl. So if I came before her, which I got in trouble for, she was a finisher. She'd go, boy, come over here. And boy, look at me like, thanks a lot. And she'd have to lick her, make her come. And I'm like, you're licking my comb too.

Let's get a little deeper. I don't believe that any woman actually likes to be a dominatrix. Slave girl, I buy. But I don't believe any chick is really into being a dominatrix. Slave girl, I buy. They want... But I don't believe any chick is really into being a dominatrix. That's why I'd rather just jerk off watching a good actress.

The world's not that black and white. You do believe that some women like to be dominatrices. Yeah, but that's a troubled person. You know, I can't argue with that. That was... Have you been with prostitutes as an adult? No, I've never. Well, like as a like, I mean, as an aware person.

OK, once so my wife, we were in Amsterdam and she took us to a prostitute. Oh, this is so rad. She goes, OK, I'm going to tie you up and this girl's going to suck your cock. And she put a condom on and I've never, I only use a condom like three times before because I don't sleep around a lot. And the girl's sucking my cock and I'm just like,

this is stupid, fuck this. And she says, no, let me show you how to do it. And then she starts sucking. And then she's like fuck i just shared the same content with the girl anyway so it made no sense was that the story you can edit that but did you believe that she really wanted to do that no it's different the procedures uh well some enjoy that but dominatrix is different because they don't have sex and yeah they like the power they have over men.

I mean, it's fun. I talk sometimes. It's fun. It's fun to beat someone up. Not with your fists. In a sexual manner. I've had that, girl. Under your fist? No, that wanted me to beat them

harder than it hurt my hand. You can't do that because that's Louis C.K. syndrome. I'm saving that for an essay I'm going to write. I know. What am I supposed to do? I went to a party once when there was a girl in the bathtub and the sign said, please piss on her. Is this a hepatitis bathtub?

I'm plugging your book. No. No effect. Please piss on girl in bathtub. And it was the party. Well, it wasn't the party, but that was the deal. And she loved it. But you get a picture of that in something,

and suddenly you're part of the Kevin Spacey thing. It's so terrifying. And you've been a drunk for as long as I have. I'm not terrified of it at all because I've never done anything close to taking advantage of a woman ever but this is I've had sex with two women in 30 years

I've pissed on a few you're golden I said you're golden Jinx I said you're golden golden shower joke hey oh life gives you lemons I said you're golden. No. No. Golden shower joke. Oh. Hey, oh. Life gives you lemons.

You piss on someone. Yeah. I've. Yeah. You're always. Since this whole. Do you hear the rain? Yes.

That was good timing. Good timing, San Francisco. And we're in Chinatown, so it's yellow yellow rain you see you muttered that you go i can't get away with what you can yeah i'm on your show you can you'll get in trouble you can be racist uh as long as you're talking about the yellow plague of Chinese-ism. It's all my intent anyway. It is and I've been fortunate that I've built a fan base that even if they're stupid, they're not going to get angry. No one pays that much money to judge you.

But if I was just a comic starting out trying any of this material, there'd be fucking blogs-o-plenty once I was the flavor of the month. It's because you're so smart and your comedy's so good that you know exactly what you're doing.

You have a nice package. If we're going to just talk to each other dirty like that, I can't take compliments No, but I'm seriously You're very impressive because you're so smart that even dumb people like you

What are you doing? Dumb people like it when you say cunt a lot of times He says cunt Do the cunt thing when you say cunt and dumb people like that. And then some people get when you have a point and some people go, I just want to be drunk around another drunk guy.

But when you said to one of your albums, I listened to when I'm jogging says, you said something about you're trying to save the world, change the world. Everyone in the room is picturing you jogging. You have high leather boots and a leather fucking miniskirt. Okay. Fat man, fucking black t-shirt.

I was walking fast. Moving my arms around a lot. It wasn't me. It wasn't me, he said as he fled. He said something about it. Thanks. I forgot my... Oh, I...

You're trying to change the world. Listen to comedy. You're going to say something that's so smart, people are going to get it. And I'm in the same boat. You know, I write something that I think is so smart and it'll change people's minds. But we played Texas when trump won and my daughters are

crying and and i was talking shit and people were throwing bottles at my head like how could you like no effects and be a trump supporter that's impossible i i have found that a lot lately. That's why I'm distancing myself. The whole libertarian thing, for a minute I was into, and it made kind of sense if you had any belief in human decency, and then once you go, no, I don't, that'll never work. It's a good idealist theory, but now libertarians, a lot of fucking Twitter people i look at their like why are you giving me shit and then i look at they follow me but they're all trump usa they're not smart enough to understand what you're really saying well that's because

in the past over the 20 years i've been putting out c, yeah, I've said nigger a lot. With a point, I've said a lot of shit. Oh, that picture thing. The youth second... I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say it. It's all right. The point is I can see now,

and this is where you get troubled by the people who say, okay, you're leading the rape culture because your audience doesn't understand. And you go, I have to take some of that into consideration because now I have fucking, why would a Trump

supporter, not one, I've found several, and I I've talked to someone about it, where do I block them? And you go, no, I want them to keep coming and hopefully understand. And I'll change. I'll say cunt in the right way where they listen to a point.

I love that joke. Yeah. Well, when there was a march in San Francisco, they picked San Francisco to do a march. And me and Sturgeon, my friend Sturgeon from Leftover Crack, we were going to dress like one of them. And just two punk rock Jews marching with them. Who are you guys? Oh, you know, we're just backing you.

And infiltrate. Absolutely. But then, you know. I've done, you're an advocate of that. Bits about that. Yeah, dress like them We stayed up too late, though.

We didn't do it. Yeah, no, I get it. We do that a lot, too. Oh, man. We could change the world if we were only awake. It was a good idea. I think they marched before noon.

Always too early. What are you doing now? I don't know. We're in North Beach. No, I'm just plugging upcoming anything. I told you I don't want you to plug me anymore. You know what? I want to.

They just did a big festival. Oh, we have a festival. Craft Beer Festival. Punk and Drubbock Festival. We just did six shows. I'm actually very proud of it. Garlic Festival. That's a Grape's Brath area.

Garlic. Garlic. Garlic. What'd you say? Craft Beer. Craft Beer. Where did I get garlic say? Craft beer. Craft beer. Where did I get garlic from? Punk and Drublich.

Just saying, we do a festival, six bands. You don't want more than that. No kids allowed, over 21. Free beer from noon to four. And done at like 9, 30, 10. So everyone go home. Everyone go home. Yeah.

How fucked are you? Divorce, especially seven years is a long time. No, I was married for 18 years. That's the one that hurt. First one. Well, this is the fresh one. The fresh one. You're 50 years old.

You just got out of a relationship. Are you going more somber or are you going, my friends think I'm going to die? Are you going crazy? You know what? My friends do think I'm going to die. Again, that's why we're here together. Yeah, many friends call you and say, I'm really worried about you.

What about yourself? I'm doing just fine. But I'm saying, are you going crazier? I'm out of a relationship. I'm free and footloose and fancy free. Am I'm saying, are you going crazier? I'm out of a relationship. I'm free and footloose and fancy free. Am I kind of crazy? Yeah, I'm going crazy. Okay.

How many dominations are at the house? At the same time? Never more than four. Do they take credit cards? Five. I got this French guy. We're writing music together.

He cooks for the doms. Wow. All the doms have college degrees. One of them has a master's. Fuck my ass, but I'm not making breakfast. You know what he made me for breakfast? Fresh bitch chanterelles and eggs.

No. He made what chanterelles and eggs. No. Made what? Mushrooms and eggs. Chanterelles. It's a fancy mushroom you've never heard of from Arizona. He doesn't like eating mushrooms. No. Anyway.

My favorite drug, and I hate it, which is probably why I'm still alive. Mushrooms? I don't like those hallucinogens. Really? No. Ecstasy? Boy, that's not a hallucinogen. Oh, no, but I'm still alive. Mushrooms? I don't like those hallucinogens. Really? No. Ecstasy? Boy, that's not a hallucinogen. Oh, no, but I'm going through the drugs.

Okay. I tried ecstasy at 34. Loved it. Give me the list of drugs, and then we'll get to the new drugs second. Heroin, have you done it? No. Never. Never tried heroin.

Never tried it. Wait till we're really late stage. Meth? Yeah, I did it back when it was called crystal, and you sn tried it. Wait till we're really late stage. Meth? Yeah, I did it back when it was called crystal and you snorted it. No. But it's terrible. Coke? I tried Coke at 32.

But I enjoy it medicinally. No, it's... You don't have to hide my coke. Coke isn't great. Coke isn't great. It's just better than not no it's you don't have you know what coke is coke is a line and coke isn't great coke isn't great it's just better than not doing it right because you're not like you're just like all right yeah that's why i can do one line of their coke. They have coke? No, not tonight. This is a TV. You can put it out right here. We can pretend.

Yeah, night one, there's coke. But yeah, I'm like a one-bump, two-bump guy just to get me through having to talk to people. Robbie May used to say it was Dougie Stano so he could drink more. I mean, that was, yeah. Yeah, it's equalizer. Yeah, balances shit out.

You have a good set. You can shake hands. Yeah, I saw Patton Oswalt here once, and he drank so much. Who? Patton Oswalt. Heard of him? Yeah. Child-friendly humor.

Yeah, he's great. Patton's great. Yes, he does. He has child-friendly humor. I played my daughter. I was about to say something. I can't, you know. Patton's great. Yes, he does. He has child-friendly humor. I played my daughter... I was about to say something. I can't... There's another guy...

I can't play your stuff for people under 30. Fair enough. But I played some Patton Oswalt for... Patton's great, and he's one of those guys, because he drinks, when the alternative scene in L.A. was gelling, he was one of the only guys that was nice to me. And most of the other ones, maybe my own paranoia,

mostly stoners, and stoners and drunks generally don't get along so comedians are paranoid about the stoners because they're laughing to themselves and they you think it's about you so were you not accepted in the comedian scene real fast or are you still not i don't know but i've i've i've separated myself and I hope they like me. You are. When I find out they do like me. That's why we're hanging out. No, Punk Rock's not like that. Punk Rock is very supportive.

But this wasn't not supportive. It's the after party. It wasn't about the act. It was stoners and high people are fucking bored. Do you watch Intervention? I hate it.

People who write songs when they're stoned, they think everything sounds good. It's moronic. Like, you know, the deadhead said when he got out of rehab, what is this shit I've been listening to? Because, all right, I'll give you my book joke. What was that? Did I say that?

No, no, no. It's the difference between a deadhead and a light bulb. Or how many deadheads does it take to change a light bulb? They just watch it burn out and follow it around for 30 years? Do you want to hear my my joke My Jerry Garcia joke Not joke Do it This is punk

He died We had a show that night We played at a bar In San Francisco San Francisco is Obviously Yeah And made all this fun

I wrote a song It went out on our album Called August 8th Is a beautiful day All the hippies were crying It was awesome The album comes out And the guy at the record label goes, Mike, is this song about Jerry Garcia?

Well, yeah, obviously. Do you know he died on August 9th? Not the 8th. So I wrote a whole fucking song. Seriously, look. On Heavy Petting Zoo. Wrong date. Before the internet.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wrong date. Before the internet. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wrong date. Just never checked. The title of my album from across the street was going to be I Ain't Never Won Nothing in My Life, but I Forgot to Do the Bit. That was the title track. That works, though.

Oh, I finally put the bid in. That's cool to put a bid on a later record. Because people think you were thinking that. It's a based eugenics bid. I forgot to do it. Eugenics. Only taped one show. Oops.

So you're on a bender. Yeah, this is my last night partying. What do you do next? I have eight or nine days off You're going to do some kind of personal rehab? What's your rehab? I do that all the time After tours I take like ten days off

I went to detox once Six days I can't quit drinking now, I'll die I'll have to do like a tapering off Doug, why don't you explain the rehab we did before The 30 days in the hole yeah three years ago roughly yeah i did 30 days where i quit smoking which is my that's the one i have to quit yeah i did but i just i just stayed in a little travel trailer old vintage travel

trailer and i drank three drinks a day because I'm at a point where I drink so much if I stopped, you'll probably seizure up and have a stroke. So just two, three drinks a night, no smoking, and then we would podcast

if only ten minutes a night. Every day for 30 days. But now it's getting worse. I was depressed for a while. I have a musical that's going to open on Broadway pretty soon. And we got pushed back because of Frozen.

That hurts. It hurts. That's a Disney animation movie. Everyone's like, okay, we're opening this year. It's opening. It's called Home Street Home. Everything's going forward. Our producer says, we won't beat Frozen for Best Musical. I freaked out, and then I got divorced that same week. And did open mic and had a Broadway musical,

but you have nothing to plug. No, but John Cameron Mitchell. I have nothing to plug. No, but John Cameron Mitchell. I have nothing to talk about. And an eight show festival of craft beers and... No, I slip it in, dude. It's great. But John Cameron Mitchell who wrote Hedwig is my mentor.

I was talking to him and he was like, Mike, quit being a little bitch. So you got pushed back a little bit. You're still... And then he said, let it go. Let it go. Fuck! And then... That's the title track.

From Frozen. You know, if you had kids, you'd understand. When you're in a room full of Hollywood entertainment types, is it cooler

to name drop someone that nobody knows? I think it is. Let me call Quentin Tarantino and I'll let you know. That's way cooler than my name drops. John Caramichael is awesome. He put his balls on my forehead

when he was doing head rig. You know the car wash bit he does? Yeah, he didn't do a car wash. He just... Balls on the forehead. So your rehab. We'll race towards an end here. What do you do when you're going to get

healthy? I ride my bike like six to ten miles a day. You make your houseboy put cocaine and he chops up healthy vitamins. It's in a Bible. You make your houseboy put cocaine and he chops up multivitamins. No, no.

It's in a Bible. It's pretty easy. Oh, no. It's a one a day. If you exercise, it gives you the stuff you need. You talk about that in your book, too. Yeah. I need to exercise, play golf, write songs.

Tough part is like between 8 and 12 at night, right? That's when you're like, uh. Staring at the ceiling. So you go to the movies. Really? Yeah. They don't make them anymore. They make like two good movies a year.

You don't go to movies? Come on. Did you see the Billie Jean King movie? It was awesome. Is it out? I wait until they come on Hotel. That's sad. Go to a movie.

Go to a movie theater. It's two hours of great. Even La La Land. It's awesome. Yeah, you to a movie. Go to a movie theater. It's two hours of great. Even La La Land. It's awesome. Yeah, you see a movie. You're in a theater. But you can't smoke. Unless you're Johnny Depp.

You can do whatever you want. Johnny Depp can smoke. There's no rules against smoking if you're Johnny Depp. Is that true? No. We also live in an area where it's 30 minutes. Oh, you don't have theaters in Bisbee. I was drunk on the plane coming here,

and I wrote that as a note that I thought was a funny joke. And it wasn't. I'm coming to Bisbee. You ever been to Hawaii, Doug? I've been to Hawaii. One of my favorite day drinking bars is Arnold's Tiki Bar in Honolulu. Hard to find. It's behind an eggs and I or some shit.

Eggs and things. That place is good. The Hideaway. I used to go to the Hideaway. Hernando's? Where Dog, the bounty hunter, was scared to go in. Is that your story? Yes. I got one last story. This is one of my best stories.

I go to this place called the Hideaway. There was Fletcher from Pennywise and Timmy the Turtle and someone else. And I got to take a shit. And this is the craziest, worst bar. It's not on the street. It's in an alley.

Yeah, it's in an alley. Sketchiest bar ever. And this is Honolulu? Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, okay, I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm just going to like, just push as hard as I can and get out of here. And I got some hemorrhoids

and whatever. And I guess I was tilted a little. And I just pushed really hard and I didn't hear anything. Is your asshole so fucked up you have to have audible signals to know when you shit? No. Well, you hear the water.

You hear if it's loose or whatever. But no, nothing. What I did is I hit the seat, and it bounced onto the wall. Got it. This is how we learned how to use it today. It's like spin art. So I just shit on the wall. Sure, like a shotgun blast.

Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, but I did get it all out at once. So then I wiped and I'm like, fuck. I can't tell anyone. I shit on the wall. So I just wiped. I'm like, I'm out clean. I got out. No one noticed. Yes.

And you know, tragedy plus time. So like three minutes later, I told Fletcher. Plus time. I just shit on the wall. You got to check it out. And he went in. I mean, I just made some art.

Tragedy plus time equals braggart. So he went to take a picture. He took a picture of it. Sure. And he comes out. And then some guy goes in there. And then fucking Fletcher Pennywise shit on the fucking wall. Yes!

Winner! And he's, you know, he's just around his friends, so we just, we laughed. You guys are so fucking alike, Doug. I know. Because that friendly story is just like that. We're going to kill the fucking podcast on that

because it ain't getting better. What are we at? I told you it was a good story. We're fine. We're good. What, an hour and ten? Yeah. Fifty-six.

No, you're right. That's a good ending. Yeah, I know. Let's go do some blow somewhere. No shit. Some really terrible blow. It's in my pocket. What do you mean?

I was coming to the fucking Stanhope show. I'm going to drink down to Adderall. They got me through this. I do want to say thank you to Cobb's Comedy Club. Thank you for having us. And letting us stay as late. I think we locked up last night. There's no one down there right now.

The material is not worked out but I thought if I write the thing I want to write about this whole new hashtag me too. That last bit you did tonight. This would be the club that would be the first to fire me. I thought you killed it with that.

Fortunately you, my audience, stayed in form and you're drunk and you drink and you sell lots of fucking glasses of liquor and you tip well. As much of you

dickbags as you might be for being too drunk, you make up for it, so thank you. I don't have to censor myself. You never have to. You made a really, really good point, though. Well, yeah. I just ruined that.

We'll make out as soon as we just say goodnight. Two things. Karen, thank you for the flowers. I want a plug, please. Hold on, hold on. I'll do this and you guys can finish. That's his job. He's doing it. Karen, thank you for the flowers. Josh, thank you for the flowers I want a plug please hold on I'll do this and you guys that's his job he's doing it

Karen thank you for the flowers Josh thank you for the lab mic for Tracy once we get back to the fun house we will set that up

and I really appreciate those people coming out they were awesome Brett Erickson Morgan Murphy drinks for all my friends Matt Caddy's are here Sam

thanks for having me Brian it's an honor to be here it's an honor to be here, Doug. It's an honor. This is so awesome. That's great. You guys who keep lighting my cigarettes. Anyway, thank you. Mike and I are going to go fall in love

for the first time all over again. Great. No. Yeah. Plugs. I'm going to go home and get some plugs. I don't need to get plugs. You should have a yardstick. This is for fun. This is for fun.

We get paid shit loads of money for having you on. I'm Jewish, dude. I'm good. Just give me some ham. I didn't make that joke well. You're a Jew. Don't start that. That's part two.

I hate the Jews. Good night. So it's very loud. So it's very loud. I don't believe in God. I believe in God. And I don't believe in prayer. But I believe in worship. I don't believe in God, I believe in God and I don't believe in prayer, but believe in worship I don't believe in destiny, but I can feel luck I don't believe in people, cause they don't get by far

I kinda like abundance, it's my kinda day lot I kinda like defending countries under their dog I like theories of evolution and of design I don't believe in anything, it's my kind of day log I kinda like defending countries under their dog I like theories of evolution and of design I don't believe in anything, it's never declined I don't believe in God, I believe in God and I don't believe in crime, I believe in worship I don't believe in destiny, cause I can fail up I don't believe in people cause they don't give out wow wow

I don't believe in infinity, I think there's an end I don't want a natural cause I can't fail up I don't believe in people cause they don't give out Well, well, I don't believe in infinity, I think there's an end I don't want a natural life, I want a transcend I'm gonna go for everything, I want it right here I want a life of fear and I want to stop fear