The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #240: My Morning SheetHole

Episode Date: January 17, 2018

Doug, Chad, Jobi and Chaille prep for Tucson Morning radio by crashing a local Karaoke dive bar and hatch a plan to make everyone's morning a little more Killer Termite-y. Thanks to Frank and Kristine Levine of the Frank Show on KPLX 96.1 Tucson radio for letting us take over the morning show. Don't forget to tweet your morning pics to #MyMorningExpress.This episode is sponsored byBlue Apron - Get $30 off your first meals with free shipping at [www.BlueApron.com/Stanhope](www.BlueApron.com/Stanhope)ANDDollar Shave Club - For a limited time, DSC is basically giving away their ‘Sh*t, Shower, Shave’ Starter Set to new members! For only $5, this starter set features their Executive Razor and 3 trial-sized versions of their most popular products that help you stay fresh and clean. This offer is exclusively available at [www.DollarShaveClub.com/STANHOPE](www.DollarShaveClub.com/STANHOPE).Order a SIGNED copy of Doug's NEW book, "This Is Not Fame: A "From What I Re-Memoir"" at - [http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/?category=Books](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/?category=Books)Bingo's book "Let Me Out: A Madhouse Diary" is now available at [http://www.bingobingaman.com/](http://www.bingobingaman.com/)Recorded Jan 11th, 2018 at the Best Western Royal Sun in Tucson, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Jobi (@StanhopesCDP), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.Don't miss out on Stanhope's 2018 Tour Dates. Get on the Mailing List. [http://www.dougstanhope.com/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/)Closing song, “Don't Bring Me Down”, by ELO & midi performed by “epzik8“ obtained through YouTube.com - [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muFL6qp3g4g](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muFL6qp3g4g)LINKS:The Frank Show on 96.1 KLPX in Tucson with Kristine Levine ( @kristinelevine ) - [http://www.klpx.com/show/frank-show/](http://www.klpx.com/show/frank-show/)Chad Shank Voice Over info at [AudioShank.com](AudioShank.com)Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org/](http://www.innocenceproject.org/)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night. Good night. Good night. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Who are you calling? Come on. Hello. I'm stuck. I went to work and then the 12th is working here and I'm stuck. Bingo Bingaman

stuck in the toilet here at the Best Western Royal Sun in Tucson karaoke night Thursday night karaoke night stuck in the shitter

with you no with no one we didn't know you were there night. Thursday night karaoke night. Stuck in a shitter with you. No, with no one. We didn't know you were there. She said she was going to take a dump and then they started... By the way, the best western Royal Sun is actually one of my favorite off of stone

motor lodges in... Oh, Jesus. Who is it? Oh, hang on. It's Brian Hennigan. Let's take him. Brian Hennigan, we just started the podcast, and you're on the air. Oh, how exciting.

How can I contribute? What have you been talking about? We just left Bingo, you know the best western that we enjoy here towards downtown? Yes, the best western, Royal Sun. Well, yeah, we just left the bar to come podcast, and Bingo had gone to take a dump, but we forgot about her. Meanwhile, karaoke was setting up, and me and Chad and Jey and tracy started singing their like their their sound check song they played uh don't bring me down by elo for a minute just to test the sound and then we started singing all the lyrics even when there was no music to the detriment of the audience. Then we left. Oh, I see.

Are you going to go back? Maybe if we get this podcast over with. We have to go get Bingo. Bingo is pooping, and then while we're doing that, Bingo called us to tell her that the toilet paper roller wouldn't work, and she had no toilet paper. But we couldn't hear the phone ring, because we were singing Don't Bring Me Down by ELO,

really loud acapella at times. What happened to the girl I used to know? Yes, indeed. I mean, doesn't she normally just use her hands? And throws it like an ape? Knuckles forward? Wait, was Brian not trying to do ELO lyrics? Or what happened to the guy?

I just got that, Brian. Sorry. Oh. Thank you. That's Chad. He almost wants to stay out with his fancy friends. All right. Your connection sucks.

We'll talk to you in an hour. One of these days is going to be the end. Don't bring me down. No, no, no, no, no. I'll tell you once more before I get off the floor. I'll tell you once more.

Oh, Hannigan and his strange timing. All right. So, yeah, we are strange timing. All right. So, yeah, we are here. We came up. We're tomorrow morning. You won't hear it, but we're doing Christine Levine's morning radio show. Maybe you already heard it. 90-something point one.

96.1 KLPX. All right. Tucson Morning Radio. So all of us came up The Chaley's, the Bingo Since you guys are sharing a room We have to make up a name for Joby and Chad

The Chobies The Chobies The Jabbies The Chobies The Chodies There's got to be a way to get my last name in there Chodis? There's got to be a way to get my last name in there. It would be a lot cooler than the Chodis.

We should have some kind of pool on who says the wrong word first on terrestrial local Tucson radio. The worst thing is not cussing on morning radio. The worst thing is cussing. You said the worst thing is not cussing on morning radio. No, the worst thing is cussing. You said the worst thing is not cussing. Oh, yeah, you're right. The hardest thing to do is not cuss. I thought about that, but I have two things for myself. The main thing is that you guys are primarily going to be the ones who have to talk,

so a lot of that takes it off me, but I will try to contribute. But the other thing I have is that i had children so i went from like in the army i would cuss all day long and then i'd go home and not cuss so i do have the ability but i don't know if i can still do it we'll see i'm usually very good at it well you've done it forever yeah that's so joey really just looking at joseph i'm the worst i i'm i'm gonna be the the weak link in this. You've got to explain the background of Death Bowl and stuff. Without cussing.

And shit. And fucking bullshit. First of all, today on you tonight, Chad, something I always notice. Joe, Joby, Junior Stopko was always good on the road with this cursing in public chad the fucking golden pipes here is in there with his booming voice in this echoey box of a 1991 fucking relic bar fucking and then the fucking fucking fucking eye what yeah but that's in an almost empty bar where there's zero consequence.

You know, like an empty broadcast tomorrow. There was a dude that's really trying to come to grips with himself being a woman at 6'8", at 62 years old. Did you not see her? Was this for real? Oh, yeah. There was a bunch of lesbian, transgender. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. I completely missed all of that.

She's dressed to the nines or the tens. She's that tall. If anything, I made that person more comfortable. She had an ugly date. Stanhope brought up the decor of the bar or something at one point, which is another thing I hadn't noticed. But I told him this is a very... It's a storage crate with seats.

It smells of brute. It looks like every bar I went in the early 90s. They've not upgraded or changed their decor. Or off-base. There'll be a ton of bars like that. Real easy to set up, real quick, and easy to clean out with a hot hose. It's just a one box. There's a stack of chairs and a lot of free shit from Bud Light.

That's what I was going to say. Bud Light signs and the chairs you get free when Motel 6 fucking shuts down. Fucking. Fuck that. But today. Now, if there's elderly fucking grandparents or something, then that's a different story. But you're. In a bar. You chose to go in a shithole bar you hit it that's my segue today on the news

donald trump evidently in a meeting it wasn't a public speaking thing but in a meeting with a lot of senators there he said well why do we have all these people coming into this country from shithole countries the exact word this is my point I was getting to is they put on the graphic on CNN

Trump says why are people coming from shithole countries no asterisks shithole this is 4 osterisks. Shithole. This is four o'clock in the afternoon, mountain time. Wolf Blitzer, breaking news. Wolf Blitzer, while it's on the,

is it Chiron, I think it's called, the graphic? The crawler at the bottom. No, not the crawler. The footer. The one you're reading about what they're... Oh, about... It says shithole.

Wolf Blitzer says... He said, why are these people coming from asshole countries? He wouldn't even say the word. Even though they printed it. He goes to his correspondent who says, he said shithole countries. And Wolf Blitzer keeps saying asshole. Like, it's not even...

Like, F, the F word. But if it's an S-. Like, it's not even, like, F, the F word, but if it's an S-H word, it's not even an S-hole. Like, wait, what's that? It's a... Can you say a sh-hole? He wouldn't say it. A sheet-hole? That's acceptable.

Sheet-hole. Sheet-hole. Sheet-hole. Sheet-hole would have been funny. So I want to say shit-hole on the radio tomorrow just to see if we can get away with it. I think we should say crap hole a couple times to ease into it. Feather it in.

Maybe we should do that. We'll see how many ways, cucky hole, poop hole. Let's just keep talking just to see how many different, until you run out of. You got to throw them in in context like the the well, the home that had the most hits was shithole. Did it like in the next 15 minutes when they went through their cycle? Did shithole appear again when they? Oh, this I was telling them.

I was going back because cnn and get ready for a call to action killer termites cnn is unwatchable and so they they start the top of the hour at four o'clock with he said shithole and then they we watch it for a minute because i i want to keep watching wolf blitzer not say it and then they go to a panel of five people in studio two on screens yeah that's eight total people talking about shithole so i flip on previous channel to fox news say what you will but fox news did story after story the pfizer vote uh the medicare now they're gonna try to make states are allowed to make people on medicare that are healthy work to keep their medical... Story, flip back, shithole on CNN. Shithole the panel.

I flip back, it was 425, 25 fucking minutes. They had people talking about Trump saying shithole. Still doing it. Back to Fox News, they had another story that's actually pertinent. Well, come on. Are you saying that Trump is right? Are you saying that Fox is biased?

I do agree with him about the shithole comment. I'm afraid this is a slippery slope. But I'm saying you get... So in the mornings now, I've been watching, which is there's no news anymore except for this CBS, ABC,c nbc 30 minutes evening news like fucking walter cronkite used to give you here's the fucking stories there's no panels world news tonight like world news tonight like the the rap the evening news yeah the evening news

6 30 whatever it is so I've been watching the headline news because it's like the USA Today. All right, here's the basic stories. They don't spend a lot of time. Headline news, and it's always these bubbly, fucking stupid women. It's news for fucking soccer moms with a gay guy doing sports.

But it moves. It moves along. Okay, what happened? All right, you saved a dog from the well or whatever caught on tape and then the mudslides, they saved a girl. There's no panel.

It's just, it moves along. It repeats itself quickly like the USA Today. You just get through it. But there's Robin Mead is Morning Express on Headline News. She's just one of many, but she's this daffiest. She has these over-whitened teeth that hurt your eyes. They're beautiful.

Yeah. That's how you do white balance on your camera they're pretty you wait till they get it close up from my glaucoma staring at them they've bleached your so i i sleep with my eye mask on but at some point if they go here's footage you just have to see you peel it up and then put it back down so at one point she says and here's a picture from so-and-so you know about i think it was the snow storms or something and continue to send your pictures to hashtag my morning express and i, what was that? What was that? The whole eye mask came off. Sky candy all over

again. If you're new to the podcast, a local weatherman, Jeff Beamish from KVOA, who I still love and I still watch you every morning, Jeff. He's a great sport.

You blocked me and half of the Killer Termites. Because he used to do, hey, send your Arizona morning weather photos to hashtag sky candy. And maybe I came up with the idea.

Someone came up with the idea. All of a sudden, Killer Termites are sending what might be called inappropriate photos. Who's to say? Let the courts decide. Yeah, beheaded, drug cartels, torture photos. Photoshop. Don't single me out.

Syphilis photos, gay fisting photos with the hashtag Sky Candy, where within a day and a half, I think, they had to stop doing Sky Candy. And all of us were blocked. Everyone was blocked. That's why you got interns. But now we can go national with headline news, Robin Mead, hashtag My Morning Express. Here's the deal listeners if you're gonna send photos of whatever you find amusing i'm not saying you should send fisting photos the theme should be

something to start your day a good way to how does the killer term i start is my morning express i'm foreseeing a lot of shit in the toilet pictures. When you first said this, this is the first thing I thought of. Yeah, with a Starbucks cup next to it. Poop on the Orient Express. Diarrhea photos. Morning after photos. Morning after pill photos.

Aborted baby. I don't know. What do you think of when you think of my morning? How do you wake up? Blood in the toilet bowl. Right. That kind of stuff. Whatever you think.

I'm not saying you should send these photos. I'm not saying that bestgore.com has amazing photos that I look at when I wake up in the morning. But I bet LiveLeak has a lot of gifts. What you're saying is, wouldn't it be great if our fans somehow enlightened Miss Mead? Enhance. And show her some world outside of her giggly, happy oh, it's the morning. Boot wearing, gray boots.

I mean, come on. I don't know. I'm blinded by the teeth. This is important. Do not. I'm going to be watching the hashtag. Don't at me because the whole funny part of this is she has no idea why all of a sudden

Holocaust photos. Spiked. Gore is up 3000% on the feed. Yes. Flowers are down. Disease run rampant. Bloated bodies after a tsunami floating. Be creative.

be creative just don't include at doug stanhope because i will be watching the pictures like you will on hashtag morning express until that hashtag doesn't exist like sky candy doesn't exist because happy dumb shiny fucking tooth woman in the morning doesn't work for me. So let's start on that. Welcome to the morning zoo. Christine Levine. I can't wait to bust her balls on her radio show because... Okay, hold on. Okay. Mamu.

Tomorrow morning you guys are going down to do the show and this is... What was... I'm just a sidekick on this one. Mamu. Tomorrow morning, you guys are going down to do the show, and this is... I'm just a sidekick on this one. Hold on. Tracy reminded me that during December, we did a podcast where you kind of made it a mission that you were going to do this radio show because of what was set up, but also to further an agenda. Oh, what did I forget? The comedy club in town.

Owner. Oh, yeah. We're going to have to get caught up with Christina, where she stands. That's her deal. So you'll have a meeting on that off air. So then what is this interview going to be about? We want to start a comedy club in Tucson.

I just don't want to, A, have anything to do with it, or, B. Put any money into it or talk about it. But this is a college town and they have one comedy club that's open two nights a week and sucks. It's run by this guy that was

a relic when I started comedy 27 years ago. In this town? In Arizona. But yeah, the guy was The relic when I started comedy 27 years ago. In this town, right? No, no. In Arizona. In Arizona. But yeah, the guy was at his peak of booking fucking has-beens. All right.

Well, we'll talk about it another time if you want. I thought this might... I want to remind you that that did come up. Well, we have to do morning radio, so... Yeah, I saved my Adderall I'd usually use on the podcast for then. Ooh. Did you save me half? Yep.

Do you have another half? Do you have another half? I have three halves. Three halves. Make a whole. He has a prescription for one and a half. I like your staff. I liked Shaley's idea earlier of sitting in the car with Tracy and Bingo while we're on the radio.

You're going to be in studio. That's what I just said, isn't it? Yeah. Fuck, I don't know. Are you really going to do that, or were we just drunk at the fucking bar saying that? I wasn't drunk then. We're going to do that. Although I was.

Tracy reminded me, there's clock radios in these hotel rooms. Oh, okay. So we can sit in here and we can't comment while you guys are there. So they can record and do live commentary. While we're on the podcast? While we're on the radio. While we're on the radio for the podcast. And since this is going to go out on Wednesday,

I can put it into here if it's good. I was hoping you were going to drive. Still hasn't figured out how I'm getting home yet because I thought maybe we'd drink on the radio. I'll drink with you on the radio.

We're going to drink on the radio. But you guys got to get back. If I was going to drink on the radio, I was going to stay here another night. This place is sold out, so I'd go stay at the airport. We'll be okay. I trust you. Yeah, we're okay.

We'll figure it out. When has this ever stopped us from doing something dumb? I know. A doctor's appointment, 11, but you can take an Uber to that. Oh, that's easy. She's got a doctor's appointment. I'd have to switch hotels. are all simple simple solutions minor shit i know i couldn't put the fucking i i can't go home until somebody gives me a ride home so whatever the

fuck we do is fine with me oh i thought you drove no i rode i rode with jovi. So yeah, I'm here with you guys. Just take my car. I'll buy another. I got this. See? So you were going to say about Christine Levine. You want to bust her balls. The radio show. She just never gets back to you. Yeah. I texted her this morning and said, hey, what's the address?

Because I wanted to figure out time from here to there. It's like six hours before she got back to me. She's very aloof. Is that a euphemism for fat? Askew. A rye? I don't know. How long has she been working for the morning show?

I don't know the details. Have you heard the morning show? It's been a little bit. Because I've been in Tucson and heard it a couple months back. Yeah, she's been doing really good there. Yeah, she's been there several months. And I said I would call in on her first day. And then I think she called me without notification and then i said call me

tomorrow i missed it because i forgot you can't like you're gonna give me some prep and then she never called me never she wanted me to do a call-in on her new show but never never called she dropped off mishka a couple of months ago. Oh, I dropped off of him years ago. I know. As we all have. Take a picture and send it in to my morning meet. You had to hear Tracy say, I just dropped a Mishka before we started. I mean, someone in the audience said that we're kidding about mishka

we just hope he's listening so it's but mishka is since he got sober or maybe before that has kind of turned into a james inman in that he gets like frantically upset when you bust his balls which is funny so i do it more and more he was in bisbee a while back and i had i don't remember what the fuck sort of drama i had at that point but i couldn't come down and visit him and the the worst thing was that i had been busting his balls online a lot and i wanted to bust his balls in person, so he knew I was just fucking with him, and we're just, you know, and I didn't get to do it in person. Yeah, I don't know. When someone, when you're in contact

face-to-face that little with someone, but you're busting their balls on Twitter all the time, you go, I hope they know I'm kidding, but there's always a root of something that I'm not kidding. Well, that's what makes it funny. Well, that's you.

That's you. That's how it's said, Sam. No, that is what I'm saying. Oh, it is? Yeah, absolutely. I have to rethink now. What Stanhope said is right. When you're busting balls, part of that is fucking something you're

right that didn't come out of nowhere yeah don't bust your balls for sucking dicks in a fucking you know little league ballpark because that's so far from the truth but yeah when we bust your balls about being a fucking psychopath there's a root there yeah a root you know i'm thinking about smoking this cigarette. Yeah, I know. Right in front of an open window. You're close enough to the door and window that I think it's negligible. Really.

Well, then tell us your toilet story, and I'll just smoke right there. Oh. I don't have as much of a toilet story, but I... Oh, wait. This is a 20-minute break. This is what we have to do. We have to do ads, guys. We have to do an ad. much of a toilet story. Oh, wait. This is a 20-minute break. This is what we have to do. We have to do ads, guys. We have to do an ad.

It's a new year. Speaking of toilets, I got to go pinch a loaf. I have to go pee on my own eyes. I forgot saline solution. We can just say we'll take a break. Oh, all right. No one has to. We don't need a note from your bowels.

All right. Let's get to... Do you want to add some of your shrimp? The most important part of this... No, I can't eat on the podcast. It's frozen, dude. I know. For later.

Yeah. That's why I pulled it out now. It's a ring of frozen shrimp. Oh. It won't... Oh, can I hold it like this for the picture for the fun? Or we can go across to the park and do Frisbee golf. You know who doesn't send you a ring of frozen shrimp when you want to feed your friends?

Who? I'll give you one guess. Blue Apron. Blue Apron. Ah, you both got it. I owe you drinks. We're good. What did you eat the other night?

You offered me Blue Apron, but I was too wound up to eat. That was roasted red pepper shells. And it's whole wheat shells. That's right. Yeah, it's actually, I was surprised that they sent whole wheat shells, because they usually don't. It's usually just regular pasta, which is fine, and it's usually fresh pasta. This was whole wheat, and I was glad to see that,

that they're branching out on some other things. You know me. I'm a fan of condiments. I ate a baked potato tonight. Why? Because it came with butter and sour cream. If I was getting

whole wheat pasta, I wouldn't give a shit. I'd just eat the sauce. I'd put it on bread, and I'd eat the sauce. So the pasta doesn't mean fuck all to me. Yeah, it's just a vehicle for the sauce. Right. Yeah. But they give you all your condiments,

even salt and pepper and everything with Blue Apron. Hold on, hold on a second. I know you don't make these because I make them. Chad, Chad, you've had Jenny make them. But he's factually pretty close. It's literally almost everything but salt and pepper. Salt and pepper. Oil.

Olive oil. Right. Cumin. They send you that. The furikake. They'll send you that. Ketchup? Not so much.

I've got my own ketchup. If it calls for ketchup, which I'm surprised if it ever does. Look at that. Look at that. What? What am I? He already yanked his pants up. Joby has the...

He just had a full fucking blown moon when he bent over to look... On accident? Did you see his tattoo? On accident. His entire ass was showing. What's the tattoo look like? Oh, I didn't see. Oh, by the way, above, back off it, there's Yosemite Sam.

Mud flap. His shirt might have been on the way. Oh, mud flap, Joby. Mud flap Whitlock. Well, the cool thing about Blue Apron and what they're doing over there is that they're now teaming up with Whole30. And what they're doing over there is that they're now teaming up with Whole30. And Whole30 is a calorie-conscious outfit that is approving recipes each week. We don't need that.

We're not fat fucks. I'm not looking at you. Some of us are. So for the time being, they're coming up with two recipes a week that they are going to feature on Blue Apron. And that's one of them that we got last week. None of my fans are fat fucks. Why would we care? We're fitness gurus.

You probably wouldn't even know. I'm pretty sure the Blue Apron solicits who they're going to market to based on what size t-shirts you sell. It's all some Illuminati shit going on. They did ask for some marketing metrics and I was curious why they would want to know t-shirt sizes. Marketing metrics. I didn't know.

I just gave it to them. Hey, coming up, Whole30 approved seared steaks and warm lemon salsa verde with roasted broccoli and sweet potato. You wouldn't even know that was a Whole30 recipe. Also, Whole30 approved chicken and kale orange salad and spicy tahini dressing. Sounds good.

Here's even one for the veggies in mind. Vegetable fried rice and togarashi peanuts. This food sounds so good that I'm about to chisel out one of these frozen shrimps and eat it. I was going to do that. I was looking for a plastic hammer and a chisel. All right. Blue Apron is treating the Doug Stanhope podcast listeners to $30 off your first order. If you visit blueapron.com slash Stanhope.

slash Stan Hope. So check out this week's menu and get your $30 off with free shipping at blueapron.com slash Stan Hope. Blue Apron. A better way to cook. And before we move on,

did you check your mailbox when you got home? Did not leave like left i dehoarded my house a bunch and i found a packet of dollar shave club like a like a rack of five razor tops i think i put that in your mailbox razor top tops Like a month ago Whatever I don't fucking I don't shave I know This is why this is your commercial I use trimmers

Because otherwise I get Like herpes on my neck Of ingrown hair Oh those bumps? Yeah those bumps You had them when you came back from Hawaii I could tell you were wearing a shirt In the fucking heat

Because I Like a gentleman I wear a tie On the plane Where people don't even wear fucking shoes Walking on a plane gentleman, I wear a tie on the plane where people don't even wear fucking shoes walking on a plane from Hawaii. There's no humidity on a plane. I don't know why you shave, but it works for you. Yeah. Except

when you're in Hawaii. Where were we going with this? Dollar Shave Club. All of a sudden I want to look at my neck in a mirror. I'm glad somebody brought us back, because I was lost. Yeah, I left them some Dollar Shave Club shit I found in my bathroom. I don't know what you're doing in my bathroom with my wife when I'm not smoking cigarettes with your wife.

Well, you know, Doug, the thing about Dollar Shave Club is you can always put things on hold. You can just go online, which I know you're adverse to that already. So I know I'm yelling at an angry C. You can always tell them, hey, hold off. Can't you just go to the mercantile? You can go online and suspend your account and say, hey, I got too many of these razor tops.

That's no shit. I did that. Yeah, and then you just catch up. Or if you want to be a hipster for a month. Usually my accounts are suspended for me for some opinion that I had in the middle of the night. Robin Mead has reached not dollar shave club they don't care about your opinions hey there's too many options at the store

and who can even tell what these other razors are doing these other razor tops are doing right i mean is anybody here seen razor top i've heard other razors actually give you Ebola. That's what I heard. Well, you know, word on the street. Listen, would you pay $40 for Ebola? I wouldn't. No. And stand in that long line in Russia?

The thing is, is that ever since I got Dollar Shave Club, which has been a couple years now, before they were a sponsor, I still, i hey i'm not only a member the uh i don't even know what it costs to buy razors at like longs or walgreens or something like that i just know that back in the day i'll tell you that's why i use the trimmers instead of a razor is because it's cost too much goddamn money I'm already trying to put you kids up in my hostel. I built a hostel. Hey, for everybody who does care about your appearance, Dollar Shave Club offers...

What the fuck are you doing, Stan? I'm saying, how much does it cost? Because I was spending like $140 per five blade razor. $140 per five blade razor. I pay six bucks a month, I think, for a four fucking blade thing. I don't know. Just to shave my cat. Store brand, about 600 bucks a month.

That's a mortgage. I got it. And that's why you got the shaver. I get what you're saying. But if you're like me and you're sick of the nonsense at the store, now's the time to try out Dollar Shave Club. If you're like me and you're sick of the nonsense at the store, now's the time to try out Dollar Shave Club. For a limited time, Dollar Shave Club is basically giving away their sheet, shower, and shave starter set to new members for only $5. There we are, $5. This starter set includes their executive razor and three trial-sized versions of their most popular products that help you stay fresh and clean.

Did they mean shit? Yeah. It was just as a callback to earlier when we were talking about sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet,

sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet, sheet Actually, when I edit... I didn't know if they put Brooklyn and Sheetz into the ad copy. Sheetz Shower and Shave. They've partnered? Like Whole30?

They should. They do all these fucking advertisements in one beat. Okay, I'll just keep doing it. In your first box, you will receive their shower... Get it. In your first box, you will receive their shave butter, get it in your first box you will receive their shave butter which i use is fantastic i used a free trial of it once body wash i uh i don't think i've used that i got a i got a kit coming out soon so i'll try that and uh one white charlie's

total total endorsement really absolutely now i was turned off from that because i looked at it and it's just their peppermint and i was turned looked at it and it's just there, peppermint. And I was turned off or something like that, like spearmint or peppermint. And I was turned off from rubbing that on my asshole. But you're saying that's good. Oh, wait till you're doing ecstasy and you're trying to cum. Listen, I was afraid of gold bond powder down my underwear for a long time, too. But now I'm a believer.

That works, too. Hey, grab me a drumstick and a one-white Charlie. I think I'm about to cum. You know how they throw sawdust on vomit? What if you put the sawdust down first? When you come into Gold Bond... Anyway, Gold Bond's not the sponsor. No!

The one-white Charlies are awesome. You get them in the travel packs, they go right in your bag, and you take's not the sponsor. No! The One White Charlie's are awesome. You get them in the travel packs, they go right in your bag, and you take them on the road. They're great for airports. You also receive the Executive Razor, which includes their premium weighty handle, and a full cassette of cartridges, or Razor Tops. Razor Tops. After the first box, replacement cartridges are sent for only a few bucks a month, and you can suspend them if you want to be a hipster or you want to do Movember.

Don't read into this more than you should, but I once have lost my handle to my Dollar Shave Club, and it was only like four bucks, and they sent me a brand new handle with my stack of razor tops. Oh, no, you just jam an old toothbrush in there. Boy, all these great ideas. You heat it up. I'm going to save money. You heat it up. You heat an old toothbrush

with a lighter and then mash your razor top into it. 60 days in. Hey, buy Dollar Shave Club. We're drunk. Don't listen to us. Hey, buy Dollar Shave Club We're drunk, don't listen to us Hey, this offer is exclusively available At dollarshaveclub.com Slash

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Legitimate fart. You said butt cheeks. My butt wanted to answer. That's the shrimp. Real time. That's the shrimp. That was fucking perfect. Just make sure I do not get that microphone next time.

That's why they call it a windscreen. It's been red flagged. All right. Yeah, I'm coming of Asia and Australia and then Canada and then Europe. I don't know where. I'm just saying my dates. That's a non sequitur.

We're coming in off a commercial break. I have a path. He's trying to make it seem like you're unorganized. You just started recording mid-conversation. I'm hearing all my tweets and emails. What are you doing? I don't know when the dates if you're on the mailing list you'll know first so we're doing london in june

we're doing whatever is up for asia in march there's probably more coming i think toronto's already up for and then uh europe i know, yeah, London is up. And now we're going to, yeah, we're going to do more stuff. But those are the pivot points and it might take... I don't know how fucking Hennigan works. We're not just going to go to London and come back. We're going to do other shit. Scandinavia. Wait a minute.

You're not going to go to London for one show and then fly back? No. No, I'm not going to do that. We had a surprise party booked two days after the show and fucking ipswitch by the sea i might not be coming there i don't know fuck it's up to you fucking gamble on oh should i buy london tickets and fly all the way from fucking oshkosh well yeah you should because i won't be back in wisconsin till probably 2019 or maybe 2020 or maybe i just fucking quit i don't know if i if i knew i'd tell you uh and the other thing was yes

the audio book my audio book will be out eventually chad shank and i are gonna read it mostly chad shank i'm putting the onus on him he's got this career going he's got the golden fucking pipes he can read worth his shit hold on a second he did fucking awesome last book i know that's why he's doing more this time that's what i'm saying i appreciate it he realized you don't i'm gonna do this stuff that i i have to do in my own voice where i know how where it's beat it out in my head. All right, I'm going to have to read this chunk. One of the biggest things that hit me, mainly in my ego, but to realize I could do this,

was because Bruce, the guy from Audible that was here last time, said, Chad, I'm really glad you're here, because there's no way we could have did this in four days if you weren't helping. here because there's no way we could have did this in four days if you weren't helping. And he's only booked five days this time. And I know it's because he has to sleep off that hangover before he gets back on the fucking plane. I have expectations

this time. That's the difference. Oh my God. He's going to stay at Wheaties. And the other night I was An Airbnb right near us. Right. So it's our neighbor that... National championship. I don't watch fucking college football,

but it's the national championship. It was Monday night and none of us... I was just tweeting shit about Alabama and fuck Crimson Tide fans. I read a book once where some guy went out, he wrote a whole nonfiction book about spending a season with Crimson Tide fans and how fucking weird they are. So I hate them.

And so I'm tweeting, because I don't care about the game. I'm just tweeting. so i'm tweeting because i don't care about the game i'm just tweeting and weedy evidently is the alabama guy our neighbor with the airbnb and he's like oh yeah well i'm gonna come by and play the fucking alabama fight song when they win and i forgot all about it because i'm fighting with other people getting drunk and then i take a siraeroquel and I crawl into bed with Bingo. And didn't tell anyone else that he had communicated with Weedy. Oh, no. I forgot.

So I just hear wham, wham, wham on the front window, the big bucket picture window on the front of the house. And Bingo says, did you hear that i i was pretending i didn't hear it as part of a dream and no someone's wailing on the front window so i ran out and i i grabbed my suicide by cop gun i have this nine millimeter bb gun that looks just like a real gun we filed off the fluorescent orange tip well then i go out the back door and then he's at the fun house with his buddy playing horns playing the alabama fight song and then i realized oh yeah he did tell me he was gonna do that but what what doug failed to notice was that

i was standing at the front with the sliding glass door like just open enough that I could shut it and lock it really quick because I couldn't recognize that guy. I didn't know that was Weedy. He had a beanie pulled down and he's playing this horn right in my, like two inches from my face, like blowing,

spitting my face. And the other guy's got a French horn that he's faking horribly. Look, I get it. Solidarity, I get it. But don't pretend. And he's doing this thing, I go, why are you here? And he keeps, whatever the fucking thing.

I go, why are you here? Why are you here? And he keeps playing. I gotta say, he's a fan. He did commit. Alabama fan. But that was a great game, and I didn't link the two together. I just thought some asshole walked on property and started playing a fucking trumpet in my face.

Not very weird for Bisbee. No. And I let him go because I didn't know if he... I didn't hear the horn when I was in bed. I heard someone almost breaking my front fucking window in. You went back to bed before they started playing the horn? Yeah, because he had to wait until they won in overtime, which I didn't care. I went to bed

before overtime, I think. Great ending. Great ending. But I did beat Kenny out of 20 bucks on the over, because I bet 44 and a half, and it was a defensive struggle for most of the thing, but I beat Kenny

out of his money. You surrendered your firearm. And then we all had more drinks. And then I realized, oh, that's the guy that I buy the Airbnbs from all the time. We know each other. Where Bruce from Audible will be staying when you carry this next Audible book. And, yeah, we're going to try to get people that were in the book on it. Dan Tosh, I'm calling you out right now.

Of course, Andy and Becker, whenever he gets here, and there's a million people. Rogan, I'm sure, will chime in on some of these stories. So yeah, it'll be as much fun as we can make it, like the last book. Anyway, toilet story sorry did i leave you with a hanging that's a brilliant fucking setup i appreciate all the help you asked for pen and paper you never do that just so you don't forget the toilet story because i i have questions to ask you guys about a toilet.

I had to buy a new toilet yesterday. I woke up yesterday. Like a home toilet. How did the old toilet go bad? Let's start there. It's been leaking water all the way through, and I keep replacing the guts on it. No, it's not the wax seal.

It's in the tank. It's coming through. But I have another toilet. It's a whole long toilet story. No, it's not the wax seal. It's in the tank. It's coming through. But I have another toilet. It's a whole long toilet story. There's a toilet down the hall that's bad, too. So I try to clean all the shit out of the toilet. Jenny has this thing that hangs on the side of the toilet where you can clip a little... A little clip on a scrubby pad.

Yeah, a little clip on scrubby pad. And it's got built-in fucking cleaning shit. You clip it off and it goes right in the toilet next to the tampons. Except for mine unclipped while it was still in the toilet. What happened? It unclipped somehow and got down in the bottom. And it was all foamed on the top, and so it was down in the bottom. And I don't like to do anything anyway but now i

knew i had a project and i had to get rubber gloves and fucking unfurl a hanger and try to fish the thing out and it didn't work and real halfway through trying to fish it out i realized that the um the toilet's leaking anyway and i told jenny i go we need a new fucking toilet no go ahead. We went and got it. You have no idea. This is my top note I forgot, and this is going to segue fucking perfectly. Keep going.

Keep going. I totally forgot my whole fucking story on this one. The 12-cent scrubby that's now blocking your toilet. Yeah, this wasn't part of the story I was going to tell, so that's why I don't know what the fuck. You had questions about it so okay so we go i i go to home depot and get a fucking toilet and i realize when i get home do you know anything about your guys's toilet how tall is your toilet oh i'll tell you this how far is it from the wall is it it? How far? What's the distance from? I know the standard distance.

It has to be almost every toilet at Home Depot and Lowe's, the distance from the wall is 12 inches. Yes. You have to have 12 inches from the wall. I did not measure that. I had no idea. To the hole down. Yeah, to the bolt holes in the side.

I didn't know that. But the other thing I didn't realize is that 16 and a half inches is a standard height for a toilet. And then there's, you can either have a round toilet or an elongated toilet. So the whole reason I'm having to fucking mush the scrubby so hard that it breaks off the bottom is because i shit all down the back of the fucking toilet operator error we call that well that's what i thought come to find out i've been shitting in a coffee mug for years i have a fucking 14 inch tall round toilet is what i had in there prison toilet the new toilet i have is a 16 and a half inch elongated toilet where i'm actually shitting into water instead of down the back of the

fucking tiny toilet can you go to like a seamstress and have her measure like your inseam to figure out your toilet you don't you don't know your toilet length do you i didn't either that's why i wanted to bring this up maybe that's the problem with the uk is in the uk you're always shitting on the back you never hit the water and then when you flush oh my god it never fucking goes down it just bobbles around and you flush over and over again because they have no water pressure the other great thing about this is it has two buttons on the back of the toilet. Water saver. I got a number one and a number two.

One for pee and one for poop. I need one for really hungover and one for, oh, what did I eat? I reach over my shoulder and shove both buttons down about halfway through just to be safe. I got one with a third button. It's Axe Spray. It just throws it up. So that was my only toilet story was that I have gone through my whole life not knowing how tall a toilet is supposed to be,

that there's a round toilet and an elongated toilet, and there's a difference. And you spend a lot of your life shitting, if you're like me. Turns out most people do. You want to get yourself nice sheets and things we talk about, but get yourself a nice toilet as well. This is where the Japanese have an advantage over us, is because they innovate for personal comfort.

And this is one of those things. I those never do a fucking bidet ever well uh but they i would love a bidet with my new toilet but here's a chat chat this is because i'll get you a bidet for that i just need to know is it an elongated toilet or around it's definitely elongated here's the here's the thing i'm so lazy that halfway through i have the old toilet off and i have to clean all the wax and shit off the new one and i tell jenny i go hey can i just take the saw and cut that hole bigger and we can just do a fucking asian toilet where you just squat over a hole in the floor i was in europe in 89 and we were in yuglavia, and we were at a train station, and I asked someone horribly, like, where's the toilet? And there was basically a sink in the ground that you put your foot on each side, and there

was a rope hanging down that you would hold on to, and I'm like, is this legal? That's how they... That's why they don't... There's a hunchback of Notre Dame all of a sudden all of a sudden everyone's going to church

that's why they don't need squatty potty in Asian countries oh my god yeah it was crazy I remember taking I remember grabbing some of the toilet paper

because I was I wanted to come home and like everyone like this is what toilet paper is over there and it was like like a thousand grit fucking sandpaper seriously there are things in there that would buff out you could just use

the ropes that you held on to softer for your face i didn't know that when i put this note down that this was going to turn into card talk with click and quack because i have a problem with my refrigerator not shitting in it not squat size but my refrigerator we've had for eight years or so van dyke yeah van dyke yeah come over and look at it when you play fight songs in the middle of the night and beware of my bb9 millimeter uh it fills up the freezers on the bottom it's got the big door on the top and the small door on the bottom that's the freezer and underneath the drawer you pull out the wire rack it fills up with water like a half inch quarter there's a depression that the water collects and then it freezes i don't know where the fucking water comes i don't either now i've

actually timed it it's about once a month it starts leaking out onto the floor in front of the freezer and then i have to go in there and fucking wedge out this sheet of ice i i have i have a similar thing happening we We have fucked up refrigerators. This is like, it's got an ice maker. Is that anything like a razor top? It's got an ice maker, but we're not connected to water. I don't know, but it's more expensive than a toilet. Click and clack.

It makes this tapakata tapakata sound. What do you think it is? No, it's not hooked up to water for the ice maker, so there's no reason. No, it's condensation up to water for the ice makers. So there's no reason. No, it's condensation. After a fucking year of Tom being in there, I never went in there. Even the refrigerator underneath the vegetable drawers on the bottom of the fridge part was full of ice. Somehow that was like mud colored.

I didn't ask a lot of questions. Over a period of time, you're going to get shit in there. I've been timing it since Tom left late November. Now it's twice that it started leaking onto the floor and I have to chisel the shit out and even Andrew,

our handyman guy, I don't fucking know what to do. Chad's got it. You need a refrigerator. Fuck. It's got it. Yeah, you need a refrigerator. Fuck. It's not hard. The refrigerator is basically heating up while it cools down. It's one of the biggest energy suckers in the home. I know, but I don't know why all this shit collects.

It's not working properly. It's an old fucking refrigerator. It's condensation. That's not old. That's not eight years old. Yeah. Yeah, we got a brand new. We got rid of the one we had.

We've only been in there 12 years. So nine years old. All right. All right. Either way, it's the one refrigerator. Mine's from 2014. How old is that? 19 years old.

Yours is. In refrigerator years. Oh, okay. I was confused confused i'm not good at math so i believed you but it seemed a little do you like the i don't know what your refrigerator is do you like the one with the one with the freezer on the bottom so you gotta stoop down or do you like the split well we the other quiet house we have the split but it holds a lot less and i don't i don't like fucking any of them anything i don't have to i don't want to ever have to get low to the ground i have very tight hamstrings i don't like to get low if there's usually don't wear a belt bingo does it crisper

drawers are brand new you can't open those fuckers. They're so tight. There's still a protected seal for your protection. There's still a wax paper on it. Well, in Black Mob, it has the freezer above. And I've never lived in a place like that.

It's alright, but it really is good to make drinks. Just a regular trailer park refrigerator, freezer, fridge. Yeah, that's what we have. I'm looking at my notes. These appliances. My hot water heater is going out. Is that on topic?

How's it going out? What do you mean it's going out? It gets calcium buildup in there, and it shorts out what do you mean it's going uh it it gets a calcium build up in there and it shorts out the the uh element just i just go in there and crank out the element and fucking it spits out water and fucking a bunch of uh white calcium stuff and then i vacuum it out and then i shove a new that's a lot of work for a guy who doesn't like to work yeah it's like five hundred dollars for a fucking new one it's like 17 for a new element every every single year since we've had these dogs they get older and fatter i don't know what to do about that please tweet at doug stope tell me how to fix

my refrigerator what size toilets we need based on our height and weight i I'm like 150, 5'7", and a slump. How do you fix the fucking water heater? Please let us know these things. It's the reverse click and clack. Don't, don't, don't let us know. We're not to know. We already know.

Chad doesn't want answers. Stop. What we really needed to do is take a picture of your toilet. Hey, you know what? Hey, anyone out there, do you want a personalized

30-second greeting from Chad, Chaley, or I, or even Bingo, or Tracy, or Joby even? Anyone from the podcast, would you pay to get a personalized video to you from us? Well, here, I'll tell you what, Chaley. Olivia Weinstein, or Weinstein, I don't know how you pronounce it,

has emailed me repeatedly over the course of months from a company called Cameo. And they can facilitate us making 30-second videos for money personalized to our fans. And then we can monetize. Hey, just another follow-up. Did you get my email? I'd love to talk to you our ceo would love to talk to you hey olivia weinstein good idea we'll do it without you why would we need you

yeah if anyone wants a personalized 30 second video Happy birthday, Brad, and I hope your dick doesn't fall off when you get back from the Philippines. Wah, wah, wah. Yeah. Guess what your cut is, Olivia? Nothing. Actually, I'll do you one better. We're going to give you that same offer of a 30-second personalized video message.

We'll charge you the same, but you're only getting 15 seconds that's the Doug Stanhope special 15 seconds for the price of 30 why don't we just cut out what they charge tell me what cameo charges for this where you could get you know some third string

fucking IBA basketball player do they still I don't know if there's an IBA. I assume that's where the Washington generals play when they're not busy with those. Losing to the Globetrotters. Globetrotters. Yeah. We don't need you, Olivia.

Thanks. But we will absolutely steal your idea. Well, the best way to get in touch with the podcast is the new gmail podcast uh email address wait that's not a real thing i thought you were segwaying into the fucking thing that hennigan said with the uh oh shit oh yeah yeah that's another thing all right that's not another thing that is the thing he didn't tell me that was a thing i. I'm all over the map. I get a bunch of notes. Hennigan says, hey, if you review my book on Amazon, because it means something. And yeah, I like it. Your book, This Is Not Fame.

They are important. This Is Not Fame, your book, not Hennigan's book. My new book, This Is Not Fame, review it on Amazon. And Chad Shank with his golden, silky, smooth, lubricated throat, will read your review on an upcoming podcast. The best of the reviews he will read, like police beats. So, yeah, review them. And, yeah, I know you're going to try to be funny and snarky,

but I prefer one that's honest funny and snarky might get you edged out of the best did you see that one guy tweeted it took him three tries to do a review they bounce him out

for inappropriate I'm just repeating what's in the book this is great good book I finished that while we were him out for inappropriate. I'm just repeating what's in the book. This is great. Good book. I finished that while we were on vacation. Really good book and learned a lot. I've done these for a long time and I learned a lot. That's how I felt. I'm 20 pages

from the end of Ralphie May's book, which I went in going, how much bullshit is going to be in this book ralphie may for any good thing you can say which is a lot he was full of shit oh so much of the time and it was only a few times i had to stop myself once early on i wish i had it in front of me. If it was prepared, I could read you something where you go, Ralphie, you were eight years old, and you, in quotes, have this dissertation to your mother.

This is probably just lazy. He wrote it with someone else. Yeah, no eight-year-old says this to his mother. You did say that, I mean, being through the process yourself, you've written both your books by yourself right and well i mean you're ghostwriter alex but my ghost editor you you written the unpaid you did say that you felt that the writer that that assisted with ralphie's book did a good job you felt like it was yeah as it went on again i went in kind of uh he's because we've

talked about it ralphie has told bullshit stories where i was there to me and i'm like ralphie that never happened i don't know why you're putting all this to be specific it was at ralphie's house on his patio he's telling the story to Bird Cloud and he finishes the story and you go, Ralphie, that never happened. He's like, ah, Dougie. And he does this whole thing. He's very charming, but he's definitely lying about the story.

But it's still... Someone's backing up out there. They're bringing Ralphie's casket. Ralphie's casket. I did get a little weepy at the end of it last night I don't know who was there you or her you were crying to me

that was a very soft spot towards the end where he thought he was going to die and wrote open letters to his family of all the fucked up things he did and i remember when oh is he gonna die because i had him in death pool so yes conflict he's a i have to say having heard all we talked about last night but after hearing all the stories from other comics and things about ralphie may and not really knowing him that much but he knew of me and i knew of him through

you and he was the most gracious host when we hung out there for a couple days and then bird cloud showed up and he just opened up everything but barbecue for everyone he had that fucking huge huge mason jar full of his strain of weed that made and stop smoking weed. Yeah, Andy tried to keep up. It was a great time. He's always been a sweetheart. Totally. Like all the bad shit. That's why he'd get away with being such a bullshitter.

Exactly. And he must have known that. He whitewashes all this Houston stuff where if you're a comedian, you know, okay, not every comedian in Houston shit on you for no reason at all because I've always found comedy to be a very, actually, you know. Self-policing.

Not, but I'm, not, yeah, self-policing, but they're behind each other for most of the time. Yeah, they buoy each other up. I don't know the fuck what I'm trying to say. They're behind each other until there's some fucking skullduggery. There's always some fucking small petty politics. But for you to get fucking drummed out of a city yeah and then he like he's gone through on page god damn it i remembered the page i think it was i don't i

don't remember now 163 whatever when he talks about he finally admitted i do have a weight problem that's affecting my family this is in the 2000s he says i thought now i really have to make this step to get a gastric bypass and i'm like when i met you in like 95 you said oh i lost like 300 pounds because i had the stomach stapling and then like three years later i saw he's like yeah i'm getting a just get a stomach stapling and he told me he already did oh and in the book his first one is fucking eight years after i met him when he had fucking two it's like oh man so i really i i tweeted it like lightheartedly, but I really would love to hear from anyone that's in that book. Jody Furtig, especially his wife.

That would be fantastic. Just to sit and go over. Because I don't care that he was full of shit. None of us cared. Well, we're all full of shit to some degree. So, yeah. Not like that. No, no, no.

Who was that other comic? He did it for a living. You said there was a comic. Anthony Andrews and Jody Furtig were the two when he supposedly started a riot at a one-nighter and the cops handcuffed him with three pairs of handcuffs and then there was a cops crew there. But I think I kind of remember I might have been around.

That was in Houston days. Oh, my God. Did they have a tour? What happened to the tour bus? but I think I kind of remember I might have been around that was in Houston days in the 90s. Do they have a tour? What happened to the tour bus? I remember the one caught on fire and it was an insurance loss. Do they have another one? Is it on a state sale?

Yeah, it is. What? I looked for it. I remember seeing it, I think. I do. All right. Maybe I'm wrong. Let's call his assistant.

No, I'm sure he squirreled his wife She must need some kind of Comforting Time of need Alright let's wrap this up Still waiting to hear from Samsonite About my fucking Sweepstakes

I bought some I bought some I bought some suit bag from a thrift store I'm guessing early mid 80's and it still was brand new Samsonite and it had you know fill out this

cheat sheet tell us how you found us if you fill this out you could win $1,200 worth of Samsonite luggage. So I filled it out from fucking 30 years ago. So I'm going to start torturing at Samsonite going, hey.

Who won? Yeah, I get the thing with all the rules and regulations. It says we do this quarterly May 12th, but no year. But in the... Do you own any of these? It was like a camcorder, not mobile phone. What did they call them before that? Just antiquated.

This has to be like 1982. What the fuck did they call them? Car phone? It might have been car phone. It was just all these, There was no websites or anything. So like every year on that date, well, who's the winner this year? We haven't done the drawing.

Well, how many entries do you have? I'm going to sue the fuck out of them. Let's get more lawyers involved in our life. Hey, if you want to buy Doug's book or Bingo's book or Bingo's... Her album's out right now. Are you amused?

Are you amused? Are you amused? Doug's book is available signed right now at DougStanhope.com. Bingo's book signed is also available at BingoBingaman.com where you can also get the album. And it's on iTunes, right? Right on. That's it. And if you want 30-second videotapes. This is just a tester, but tweet at us,

at Doug Stanhope, at HDFatty. Come on, you'll do it. Chad's giving the slit throat thing. I don't think that means yes. At Bingo Bingaman. At Egg Lester for Tracy. No, no, no. Just tell me if you would want it.

We're just feeling out the market I cut it out earlier no don't contact Chad I cut it out earlier the official podcast email address is stanhopepodcast at gmail dot com that's the way to get in touch about the podcast

why are you standing up I thought we were done why are you still holding your microphone if you're leaving? To remind you, hashtag my morning express and send your favorite pictures, the ones that keep you awake at night, to hashtag my morning express.

Do not put at Doug Stanhope. I'll be watching. I'll be liking. Just, yeah, make it weird for them. They're too fucking happy in the morning. Good morning, America. Here's more Frank on 96.1 KLPX. Yay! It's a party! Christine, don't look so nervous.

It's the Frank Show with Christine Levine and our guest in the studio, Doug Stanhope. Good morning. Doug, good morning. Joby is here. Hi, Joby. How are you doing? And Chad is here as well. Chad, it's good to see you.

Good morning, everybody. Nice to meet you guys. So glad you're here. Joby Whitlock, Chad Schenk, and Doug Stanhope, Christine's longtime friends, crew, cult. Cult, okay. Well, well, well. Well, I wasn't going to say that earlier. I've said that privately, Doug, but.

That's a, I think it's a little strong, don't you? I feel like it's a little... That's a little loaded word. But, Doug, if you're the one that's saying cult, I would attribute you as the leader, kind of, more or less. Yeah. He's got a Koresh flair to him. I've hashtagged me too, Christine Levine. Yeah, I've violated people.

Well, the stories I've heard, Doug. I just heard some story about her taking a knife out of a bra at some point. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, that was the desert, the guy, Dr. Dimms, Dr. Douchebag. Yeah, the guy that was, they were going to kill that guy. Right. Nice people were going to kill him. Nice people. Yes. They they were going to kill that guy. Right. Nice people were going to kill him. Nice people.

Yeah. They were really going to kill that guy. That was going to happen. Christine told me that Doug looks at the guy and says, listen, now that they smell blood, you better get out of here. Yeah. Have you told this on the air before? No, never on the air. No, I just told him privately, like, when we were on.

No, we should, though. We can. That is what happened. I think it's too, you had to be there. It was too dark. It's pretty dark and weird. Yeah, heavy hallucinogen use. And one guy that was just too much of an irritant.

Yeah, he was really, really awful. And then I took an opportunity to take care of it. I just got sick of him. Kicked him off a folding chair. Kicked him straight on his back. He's got more bar room bras than I've even seen video of before, Doug. I love it. I just love it.

So, Joby, share with us what you do in Doug Stanhope's world, because we were talking about the Death Pool website a little while ago. Yes. For the people that don't know what a celebrity death pool is, it's a game that we play where you pick a celebrity and you get points if they die. That's right. So what our website is, we're the first and only ones to do it in a celebrity, I mean a fantasy sports format.

Oh, okay, yeah. So it's at fantasysports.celebrity.com. I love it. We do trade rounds and, you know, where if you have a celebrity that is in cancer remission, I drop them, put in someone else. Because they're in remission. Yeah. Perfect. So that's DougStanhopeCelebrity.com. When we first started doing it, you would pick 20 celebrities for the entire year.

Right. And you're stuck with those. Yeah, set it and forget it, and then... You get 100 points less their age. Okay. Someone's 92 years old, you only get 8 points if they die. Right. If you get a Whitney Houston, that was...

Score. Yeah, Bingo got Whitney Houston that year. And it was in February, which is bonus points because it's Black History Month. So Black Person and Black History Month, extra 25 points. We have a... Oh, she drowned. Yeah. Yeah, there was a drowning bonus because it's a pool.

Yeah. So she drowned. We have OD points, murder, suicide points, you know, that kind of thing. It's all bonus points. All right. What was the last big death that we saw? I think the biggest one last year was Manson. Oh, yeah.

That was huge. Yeah. I think like 900 people had him or something like that. And how many points did people get for Manson's passing? It was age. It was age. That was age. Yeah.

It was like 80. 80 or something like that. Yeah. We saw Ralphie May sadly pass away last year. I had him. Yeah, you had him. I won in our league. I'm just saying.

Yeah. Just to mention the passing of someone and the excitement on Doug's face that he had him on his list. Yeah. That's great. I just got a lot. Is it true that I can get bet on now? Can I get bet? I think I threw you in the database. Thank you very much. So just got a lab. Is it true that I can get bet on now? Can I get bet on? I think I threw you in the database.

Thank you very much. So people can pick you. I've been trying to get in this database for so long. I have been there. Listen, how many episodes of this stupid Portlandia show do I got to do before I can get bet on? Because, listen, I'm fat. I'm sad. I'm going down, honey.

I'm fat. I'm sad. I'm going down, honey. I'm real sad. Doug, you should have seen the tweets or the text messages from Christine over the Christmas break. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus Christ. I text him now. You text him for flying. I'm not going. I wasn't that bad. Doug, we're going to have Christine and her husband and her sister over to the house on Christmas Eve,

but Christmas Eve morning, my wife and I got in this nasty bicker match. And so my wife goes, well, you just tell Christine and her friends and not come over. And then she said it the second time. So if she said it once, I would have just tossed it off as her being angry and upset, but she said it a second time. Right. So you had to blow her off for Christmas. So, so.

Yeah. The depressed lady. Yeah. Yeah. I knew. I was like, we don't even have any food in the house, but that's okay. So it was going to be this nice thing. They were going to come over Christmas Eve.

We were going to do steaks and baked potatoes and all that. I ended up like at 5 o'clock just driving it all over to her house and throwing it on her porch. Well, because I tweeted or I texted her back and I go, that's okay. We don't have any food, but we were kind of looking forward to just having dinner

one time this week, but that's cool. I understand. Two minutes later, he's like, what's your address? Hey, Bingo's not on mic, but Bingo's in here. It's really nice to finally meet you, Bingo. It's nice to see you. I hear all kinds of stories from Christine

and everything, so I'm glad to see you. I'm glad to have you in here. Hey, Doug, tell us the title of your new book. It's called This Is Not Fame. Okay. Get it on Amazon, and it's war stories from the road. Yeah.

That's kind of a recurring theme, I feel like, for you, talking about fame and how to use it, using it wisely or using it poorly. Not having it. Or not having it. Yeah. Yeah. Being infamous. Getting recognized at the worst karaoke bar ever at breakfast this morning. Yes, I did sign a book at breakfast.

Oh, you did? Yes. Oh, my God. Yeah, the cook made his wife race down to the hotel breakfast with the book to sign. You're cool with that. You don't mind. Yeah, no, it's great. But it's where you don't want to get recognized.

This dirty karaoke joint. I can't believe I'm sitting right next to you. I can't believe someone's going to watch me sing karaoke. Did you? Did you? No, I didn't. Chad did. Chad's got the... Oh, he's got a soap. Yeah, that's true. Am I going to do a karaoke off with Chad?

Oh, Chad can sing. I don't know. What'd you do? What'd you sing, Chad? Oh, I don't even know. I didn't sign myself up. I just heard my name and had to go up. A little bit inebriated.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that makes sense. Cumbersome. I was there for cumbersome. Oh, that's a good one. Happy cumbersome. I bet he can nail that. Wait, who does cumbersome? I know that's a good one. Happy cumbersome. I bet he can nail that. Wait, who does cumbersome?

I know that. Seven Mary Dream. Seven Mary Dream. All right, all right. There's a number in there. This isn't fame? Is that the number? This is not fame.

This is not fame. You do all your own writing, or do you work with someone? Yes, absolutely. How do you find the process, the writing process? You just start writing stuff. I don't know. It's one of those questions they ask you as a comic. Like, what's your process for writing material?

I don't know. You think of something funny and you try to make it funnier? Yeah, that's it. Try to remember it. Exactly that. Bullet points and stuff. I know. There are people, though, that do have a process.

There are people that have, like, little catalogs and all of their notebooks. Three-by-five cards. I don't understand those people. If I had, like, room for, like, a whole board, a bulletin board, and I would put index cards with, all right, this chapter goes with that. Right. Instead, I have a legal pad, and then I write until it's full, and then I scrap it and rewrite it. Because when I think about writing a book, it just feels overwhelming.

It feels like such a massive undertaking. Do you... Well, I... You just start. Yeah. I mean, I didn't have the entire book mapped out in my head. Like, oh, you know, you're writing something about some waitress you pooned in Minneapolis, and you

go, oh, I forgot. Yeah, that was the friend of the thing. Okay, that would segue good here. And then you write it, and then you go, nah, it doesn't really work. And then you scrap it, and then you start over, and then you do a lot of Adderall. My

process would be this. I'd start, I'd get to the bar at my house around noon. Sure. And I'd start to look, I'd start at my computer, and then I'd check my email, and then I'd go to Newser, and then I'd start reading the news, and then I'd drink coffee, and then I'd be on Twitter, and maybe I'd start reading the news, and then I'd drink coffee, and then I'd be on Twitter, and maybe I'll check Facebook.

I don't even use Facebook, but when I'm trying to avoid work, I'll go there, and then I'll drink more coffee, and then I get the booze shakes with the coffee, and the first cigarette, that starts the booze shakes. So now I'm going to start drinking either whiskey, Coke, or a vodka soda until my hands stopped trembling enough I could actually type to write. So that's about 230 or so, and then I take an Adderall, about four, because now I'm starting to get drunk. So now my hands are still, but I'm a little sloppy. So I take an Adderall, and then I start pounding away on the keys, and then I have miraculous ideas of what's going to go into the book. That's so funny.

I have a similar process with Adderall. I do the same. Like, I'm sitting there like, yeah, yeah, because you get in this little balance with the booze and the Adderall. You get in this zone. Like, it's like a little soft spot, sweet spot, where all of a sudden your ideas are fantastic, and you've got all the energy in the world to do it. Oh, that's great.

All the confidence. It's fantastic. If there was a Comedy Hall of Fame and they started whole medals and awards because of drug use, the steroid era. I would be shamed. I would be so, so shamed. From McGuire, I guess. It's 820. Doug Stanhope, Joby Whitlock, Chad Schenk are our guests in the studio. And you guys are hanging out with us until we're done, which I love.

What's with the towel? You have the night sweats going on? I've got the always sweats. All right, Doug. It's with the towel? You have the night sweats going on? I've got the always sweats. It looks like a boxer in a corner. I know. It looks like Freddie Roach. Yeah.

I was telling her about how I could never work in TV or film because I sweat too much. I would just sit in the trailer and just sweat. Oh, I couldn't just because I'm ugly. That's it, too. Day 21. It's The Frank Show with Christine Levine. Don't go away. It's The Frank Show. 96.1

KLPS. Tucson's real classic rock. The Frank Show with Christine Levine. Our guests in the studio, Doug Stanhope, Joby Whitlock, and Chad Shanker. Did I get all the names right? Shanker. Shank.

I was trying to do it without. Shanker sort. If you use my name as a verb, that's all right. I thought I could pull it without my notes, but yeah. Hey, let me just take a moment. I want to reach out, since we're here in Tucson, to KVOA's Jeff Beamish, the weatherman. Jeff Beamish, I know you blocked me on Twitter. Oh, no.

I took my man crush too far with you. The beautiful little weatherman with a bulbous head on KVOA mornings. Oh, there he is right there. He's a meteorologist. Of course he is right there yeah he's a meteorologist of course he is yeah he's the he's the best too he joined kvoa in december of 2007 and it says here on his bio page he couldn't be happier in tucson he seems very happy and i think we took a a prank a little too far just trying to get his attention i wish somebody would try to get my attention in such a way he had a hashtag in the morning i mean i'm not awake

at 6 a.m but i dvr my kvoa morning news with uh uh well there's melanie hunter and uh nicole semery it's my ginger and marianne sean mooney but jeff bemis he just he's my Ginger and Marianne. Sean Mooney. But Jeff Bemis, he just captured my heart. And I would watch the weather with him. And then he would say, hey, here's a picture of a beautiful Arizona sunrise or something sent to us by so-and-so. Send your pictures of Arizona weather to hashtag sky candy on Twitter. hashtag Sky Candy on Twitter. Okay.

So on our podcast, the Doug Stanhope podcast, we thought it would be funny because we have a very peculiar fan base that they would send their favorite pictures to the hashtag Sky Candy, and it was immediately glutted with pictures of, you know, Holocaust, simplest gone awry, drug cartel murder, beheading photos. The worst. Like, to where I was even going, oh, my God, I can't even look at this one. And within a day, they stopped doing hashtags. I can't even, there's nothing.

And Jeff Beamish blocked me and all of my listeners from his Twitter. And I just, I want to get back in your good grace, Jeff. You could add Jeff Beamish and tell him I'm sorry. Tell him I'm sorry. I was going to suggest that. I need my baby. Here's a quote from Jeff. The sun, the mountains, the weather. Can it get any better than this? I need my baby. Here's a quote from Jeff.

The sun, the mountains, the weather, can it get any better than this? Yeah, Ken, look up Melanie Hunter. Well, I'm just one step behind you, Doug. Let me see what I got here. Nicole Semery looks just like Cindy Lou Who from Whoville. Oh, wow. She does. But the dirty one is Melanie. She likes to mountain bike. Oh, does she? Oh, wow. She does. But the dirty one is Melanie. She likes to mountain bike.

Oh, does she? Oh, hey. She does a lot of things. Hey, Doug, I mountain bike. She's very active. Melanie Hunter. I'm going to have to see what kind of mountain bike she's on there. I think she's got a Twitter account.

She can wear a helmet like nobody. Except Bingo, of course, or a seizure hat. Oh, no. Oh, no. Except Ringo, of course, or a seizure hat. Oh, no. They just bought a seizure helmet. I can't describe it.

A seizure helmet. When I was in junior high, there were kids in a class that were wearing those. And they would hug the walls. They'd walk down the hallways. Yes, like a wrestling hat. Iowa wrestlers would wear it to avoid the cauliflower ear. That's right. She doesn't wear it. She has it.

I just bought it. Well, you just bought it, but you're not wearing it. What if you had a seizure right now? If you had a seizure and you weren't wearing your seizure helmet. This was a safe play. I'd catch her. I'd catch her, babe. Don't worry.

I'm soft. You land on me. So, oh, Jeff Beamish doesn't want to have fun with you on Twitter. That's unfortunate. I know. It's just because of, you know, hundreds of vilely inappropriate things. But now we have another one we're going to do. Oh, no.

Oh, do you? Yeah, I was watching the headline news. In the morning, do you know Robin Mead? Yes. Yeah, I know that name. She's got those electrically impossibly white teeth. They're glowing. Radioactive teeth.

She's just daffy. Look at those teeth. Jesus Christ. You can see them from another planet. It's insane. Well, she has the hashtag MyMorningExpress, so we're going to take that Sky Candy Gagnash. That podcast hasn't gone out yet. Oh, poor Rob. Whatever. That's awesome.

Do you have any idea how jealous I am of this, that Doug and his band of misfits get away with this kind of stuff? Yeah. If you and I did it, what would happen? Fired. Immediately. Hey, I'm pretty good at not cursing on the air. Yeah, I think you're great. But yesterday on CNN.

All over the place. Trump all over. Constantly. I never heard. People say, and then he said that the S-hole countries. Yeah. I'll just say ship hole. Yeah. There you go.

I couldn't believe it. But on CNN, the word is right there on the graphic, but Wolf Blitzer is still saying, and then he said S-hole. Well, the word is spelled out there on the graphic on the screen. Why can't you say it? And the correspondents were using it. Yeah, some of the correspondents were saying it. Wolf's nervous.

And I was watching TV, and I thought, I've waited my whole life for this. Just to hear that word repeated over and over again by a bunch of suits. It made me so happy. I heard some anchors, like, over-enunciating the word a little bit on MSNBC. Ship, oh, really looking forward to being able to use that word. It felt so good. But they don't fall under the same category that you do. FCC really has no control over cable. No, but they do here for sure.

Yes. Yeah, that's a good question. Technically, they could show porn on Comedy Central. Right. Legally. Like after 10 p.m. or any time. FCC rules don't apply to cable, but cable self-regulates, so the FCC doesn't start putting their fingers in their ship hole.

That's right, yeah. It's kind of the same premise with satellite radio. Right. You go on satellite radio and say F and C all day long. But here, not so much. Bingo, where's your helmet? At the hotel. Bingo, that whiskey you had for breakfast isn't showing in your face at all.

I was hoping you guys would bring some. She was telling me. I was going to. Drinking on the car ride over. Oh, man. Yeah, we were thinking about having morning cocktails, but Chaley's are here at the hotel, and they were out of sorts last night. So I didn't know who was going to be responsible enough to get us out of that, because the hotel sold out.

If I could have gotten the room for another night, don't worry. We would have been blasting away in here. But someone's going to have to move us to at least another hotel or back to Bisbee. Or a neurologist. Oh, shoot, you've got a... What? She has an 11 o'clock doctor's appointment. Oh, that's great. You're going to show up hammered.

The doctors know, too. They can tell. They'll know right away, won't they? No, she has traumatic brain injury. Yeah, it could be anything. they don't know so it works always good to lie to your neurologist when they're trying to figure out what's wrong with your head but that looks like you could use that to your advantage sometimes too right oh she plays the retard card hard

we get out of like having football parties and everything. Oh, yeah, we can't do that anymore since Bingo's injury. Bingo had a traumatic brain injury. She had a seizure last year and fell and smashed her skull, was in a coma forever. She was at UMC for a month. Yeah. So, yeah, we've used that since she's come back to our advantage. Yeah, no Super Bowl or nothing, huh?

Nope. Good. Nope. Good. I'll be there, though. I passed out on – oh, we have secret football. Yeah, exactly. 839, let's get a break.

Doug Stanhope, Joby Whitlock, and Chad Shankar. I'm going to find coffee. Yeah, go get some coffee. We'll do a quick break and be right back. More Frank Schoen coming up on KLPX. Whether he's ready or not. Frank! Now back to the Frank Show on 96.1 KLPX.

904 is the Frank Show with Christine Levine. Our guests in the studio are Doug Stanhope, Joby Whitlock, and Chad Shank. Doug, Christine told me something about you that I find odd. Is this going to be the Me Too part? Because I did abuse my... I have not been outed in the whole Me Too scandal. I feel like I'm losing street cred. There was an article that I read where you were going around telling people,

hey, this might come out about me, but then it was about someone else. I took some credit for other people's shame because no one was outing me. Christine Levine, I... What? Why don't you out Doug? Yeah, out me. Because one time you wanted to work Cleveland, and I made you give me mouth love.

Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Yes, I did. What? I walked in on it. Oh, yeah. She walked past it. The bingo showed up. It was a first floor motel.

I thought you just went past the window. No, she came in. Okay. She came in and I was like, hey, hold on a second. I was like, I'm trying to get to Cleveland, babe. I'm telling this for a reason. And she was like, carry on. Carry on, sister. I get it. Carry a reason. And she was like, carry on. Carry on, sister.

I get it. Carry on. Okay, so what happened was there was drinks and cocaine. Okay. But also, I got a wild hair up my butt. Somebody told me that they wanted to see me in. You can have that fixed. Cleveland.

Anal rejuvenation. Yes, I want it. I want it. I want that, too. Anyway, so then what happened is then I was just feeling frisky, and I was like, I got to go to Cleveland. You always take me to Cleveland. You always take me to stupid Cincinnati, which is wrong of me to say

because I'm so grateful that he takes me anywhere ever. I am. But I was just like, but I thought, well, let's just see if I can get to Cleveland. And then he was like, no, you're stuck in my booboo. And I'm like, you know what? I know you're just teasing me, but I'm doing it. And I am a mountain of a woman. I'm a large lady.

Right. Doug is not a large man. Right. I get on top of him, and I start, I don't know, I think I called you a name like a maggot or something. You got a boner. And I was like, is that what you're into? This is like the Koresh part. Yeah.

Yeah. And I was like, I know what he is. So then I started doing it. And then I go, okay, I pop it out of my mouth and I go Christine you don't do this for Cleveland this is like a Chicago kind of thing but I said

this is LA comedy store stuff but I said no no no I want to go to Cleveland I know what I'm doing I want to go to Cleveland I don't want to go to Cincinnati again and I go who you got opening for you in Cleveland? And he goes, Jujutsu Kata. And I said, well, all right, I'm funny. And he goes, Jujutsu Kata's wicked

funny. And I started, went back to work. And then I stopped him for a minute and I said, I'm wicked funny. So? So? And he goes, I already got Jujutsu Kata. And I go, all right, I'm going back to work, because obviously I'm not moving my point. You know what I mean? The ball's not getting moved downfield very well. I understand.

So anyway, and then finally when he said that like the third or fourth time, and then I was like, all right, well. Halfway through. Yeah. I don't know if I assume it was around halfway. I know it wasn't after. No, no, I didn't even. I was just like, okay, well, I'm not getting to Cleveland, so I guess I'm still going to Cincinnati.

Oh, my God. I love it. And then I went to Cincinnati. That's a way worse story than half the people that are getting outed. They just think it's a mild flirtation in the office, and then all of a sudden the guy's unemployed. I actually said, no, you have to give me mouth love for work. And then allowed it to continue. And then we just fought about who gets to tell this story on stage.

Comedy works so much better than other businesses. Right. I talk about that in the book. There's a lot of that. Right. Because I don't work for anyone. The only people that can fire me are my audience. Right.

Ticket buyers. I can't tell you how jealous I am of that. Yeah. That's fantastic. That's a great story. Yeah, it's 100% true. Did you ever make it to Cleveland? No, I still have never been.

It's a really terrible improv. It's the worst improv. It's an awful club. Well, it's okay. I mean, you know, whatever. I just wanted you know, whatever. Whatever. I just wanted to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. She just wanted to be in a city where she's average size.

That also is wrong. Add to the list, Appleton, Wisconsin. I'd like to go there also. You're going to take her to Huntington, West Virginia. That's where you're going. I'd like to go there also. Have you ever worked in West Virginia? Yeah, we, West Virginia. That's where you were. I also would like to. You ever worked in West Virginia? Yeah, we did West Virginia. Yeah.

I was looking for anyone. Somebody help me out here. God, it was Wheeling and somewhere else. Yeah, Bluefield. Really, really, really creepy. That's what I was going to ask, yeah. Yeah, terrifying. Looks just like the deer hunter.

Yeah. Still, no different. It really, it's like driving, I feel like I'm in Eastern Europe when I'm driving around in West Virginia. It's frightening. And you're from kind of that area. Eastern Kentucky, yeah, absolutely. Matt, me and Andy Andrist went hillbilly hunting in Kentucky once. We went to Salt Gum.

We just found the weirdest name of a town in those little gray lines, and we thought we'd just go to a bar, have a drink in the afternoon. There wasn't bars. It's all dry county. Yep, yeah. We found a mercantile where we walked in, and literally everyone stopped and stared at us because we were. They know.

Yeah. Because your hair was short in the back, too. And he's like, let's get out of here. I go, no, we've got to buy something. We've got to get a coat. We've got to get some money. This is the best way to not have them murder you. Throw a few dollars their way.

Do you even have, like, a producer or anything here? This is starting. We've got this mucho over here. Okay, good. Yeah, he's sitting back there. When you said there's a seventh caller, you weren't answering phones. No, I know. It's right here on my screen.

Oh, do you keep them locked in there? There's no one in the hallways here? It's weird, isn't it? It is frightening. I know, yeah. It's been that way. But this is our first week back. It's weird because you see all the platinum signed albums from all these.

You go, this used to be hot,, oh, this used to be hopping. These hallways used to be busy. It's probably security at the door and stuff. Oh, yeah. Franz Ferdinand was sitting in a green room going, well, they're going to be a little bit late. You got bumped back from, you know, Cher or something. I don't know. Franz Ferdin Nance hoping they make

a good impression on us for once. Yes. Yes, that did, yeah. It was placed at one time. Well, yeah, is radio on the death pool? Probably should be, right?

Yeah, it should be. Yeah. Artie Lang is. Artie Lang, he's on radio. Is he still doing a show? I always, I always had Ralphie May print, even before we did Celebrity Death Pool,

when we'd just do comic Death Pool as a bar conversation. Ralphie May was always my first. So when he died, I got to have a comic every year. Another comic, yeah. So it's got to be Artie. I put out a Twitter poll where it was who should be my comic, my death pool. Artie Lang, Ron White, or I put Pablo in, but then I go, oh, that's stupid. I should have said, who was it?

Oh, Pablo Francisco. Yeah. Yeah, because it was a little drinky problem or whatever. Yeah. It, because it was a little drinky problem or whatever. Yeah. It's a problem. He had just had some meltdown on stage, which good comic of us hasn't. Absolutely. But anyway, Artie was the resounding winner.

I saw Artie last year. The last book I did, I was promoting. Right. And I did his podcast, and I started early in the morning. I did Stern, then I did like Ron Bennington, then I had a couple other series radio, so I'm drinking this entire time. I don't get to his house until like 7 o'clock at night, and he's torn. He's got that prolapsed nostril.

Yeah, oh, God. And I'm wrecked from, you know, all day drinking, and we both were looking at each other like, this might be the last time I see this guy. Did you guys do a podcast? Yeah, we did his podcast.

Yeah. Now he's with Anthony Cumia. He called me up and did some Deadpool talk on his podcast. Oh, yeah. No, I don't remember that at all. Nice. But you'd run numbers, me versus him and me versus Ralphie, who had more picks in the Deadpool.

I feel all right. Yeah, and Ralphie took that as a point of pride if he had more numbers. You know, his ranking went up. Yeah, when I pulled him out a couple times, I was like, yeah, he seemed too healthy. And we're getting really competitive. He's like, you can't pull me out until you stay at home. I'm always in your death pool. Yeah, coach.

Aw. The first time I met Ralphie a decade or so ago, he came in the studio, and he had slung over his shoulder the drip machine. Did you ever see him wearing that? The drip machine? Some kind of internal drip. Yeah, it's like an internal washer or something like that. It's like after he had a surgery, he had a machine that sucked it up.

Oh, he couldn't heal up. Yeah, yeah. Ugh. It's a wound. It's called a wound vac. he had a machine that... Oh, he couldn't heal up. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's a wound. It's called a wound vac. Didn't you... You had something like that, right? No, I didn't have that yet.

But didn't you... You had some, like, diverticulitis thing? Yes, I did. Yeah, I had a big... Yes. I remember you called me up when I was in the hospital, and you said something like... Am I the funniest? Yes, you did.

No. Wipe your poop or work stupid laugh so hard oh my god i remember christine when we first started working together she would tell me that doug you would tease her about being fat saying all right what'd you eat and when i'm first working with someone i i gotta go like oh i grabbed a pearl someone, I've got to go like, oh. Grab your pearl. That's not really nice.

I don't know you well enough to joke around like that. Yeah, you do. It's 9-16. Everybody doing good? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, let's get another break out of the way. We've got Doug Stanhope along with Joby Whitlock and Chad Shank. In the studio with Frank and Christine, we'll be right back.

You got it. More Frank Show next on 96.1 KLPX. Are you still with me? The Frank Show on 96.1 KLPX. Here's Frank. No, that's how I saw Doug last. Well, one of the last times he was in studio is when he needed the umbilical hernia, and you were doing a fundraiser for the doctor that was doing the surgery.

Yeah, yeah. It's the Humane Society. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Then I went back to that doctor because I had another hernia. And it's very strange because that time, the first time they gave it to me free. It was like a one-off. Yeah.

Knew someone who knew someone, and somehow I got free surgery. We were talking about this earlier with your vaginal rejuvenation. I got this on a lark, and then I went back to the same doctor because she did a great job, and I go, I'll just pay you cash this time. And when I went to the front desk, they go, well, what's your insurance? I go, I don't have insurance. I'm just going to pay you money. And there was like a scramble. They don't know how to do it.

She blanked out. She had to call a manager. They don't have a register. They don't know what it costs. Yeah, we don't have a receipt book for that. He wants to pay money. Very strange. Now we've got to figure it out.

And then the surgeon said, I can do this one more time for money. Very strange. Now we've got to figure it out. And then the surgeon said, I can do this one more time for money. I'll pay you whatever it costs. They go, yeah, we can't do this again because they lose money. I go, but you're charging me money. Yeah. Say, I don't get it at all.

There's some wicked grift. Yeah, there's a grift there for sure. I got a, what's the thing where they take a, oh, I got a free root canal once. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Same thing. It shouldn't cost money for a root canal. No, really?

Can you pay for this? Can you get a dominatrix to do this? Please make it wonderful. Christine, you sent me this link here. Five jobs that make us the happiest. Yeah, for satisfaction. Personal satisfaction. Personal satisfaction. And I would feel like some of you

guys might balk at this, but the five jobs with highest job satisfaction rate. Video game producer. Film director. Music producer. Neurosurgeon and then comedian comedian top five for personal satisfaction doug's like where did you find that i've never even seen comedian in any kind of job listing yeah maybe enough of them are responding to like

surveys now i mean there's so many comedians responding. Yeah, open micers. Right. Maybe. It's not really a job. Well, and they all seem real sad from my experience. How does that help? Yeah.

No, that's why I put it in here, because it just surprised me. I was just like, it has all the other earmarks of a normal survey. Like, all the happiest workers are in Hawaii. Yeah. No kidding. But that was the only one that made me go, what? Are you serious? And they even make comment, and since when have comedians been known to be happy?

Yeah, I don't know. I'm definitely. They all say, oh, you know, just being able to make people laugh. It's the greatest job in the world. Yeah, it's a gift tonight. If this ever becomes a job, I'll quit. Really? What, when you're 50, you've been doing it for 27 years, and you have GED otherwise?

You're going to quit? No, you're going to suck it up. You're going to go out, and you're going to spill the same jokes on stage. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You're not going to go out and you're going to spill the same jokes on stage. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You're not going to change all of a sudden. You're going to just keep going. When you're broke, don't fix it.

I had a buddy on the show for two years, and he did the same opener, the same closer for like a decade on the Chitlin circuit, you know, and you're driving around from town to town. Yeah. And after a while, it's like, dude. No, we've known you. Well, that was before the Internet. Right.

Now your stuff's out there. You've got to cheat. You have to. Have to, yeah. Yeah. Try to write or don't work. That's it. Yeah.

All right. So here are the five jobs that make people the most miserable. Stock clerk. Yeah. Done it. Cashier, janitor, machine feeder at a factory, and a telemarketer, which we've got a ton of telemarketers in Tucson. See what I mean?

That all rings true. The only problem that I have with this is the comedian part. I thought that can't be right. Okay, and then this next segment, this next bit here, the same thing. The study looked at the states where people were most satisfied overall. Hawaii, Alaska, Wyoming, New Mexico, and West Virginia. People in West Virginia apparently are ecstatic. Because coal miners don't work.

They don't know any better. This is it. They don't know better. Yeah. Fetal alcohol makes everybody happy. It's that opioid epidemic. It is. You know who the happiest workers I know

are the people at Lucky Wishbone. Chad, I'm in a bit of a pickle. You know, Super Bowl's coming up and I'm going to have a few people over to the house. I don't know what to serve them. Doug, I have good news for you. When it's time to plan your party, invite Lucky Wishbone to do the catering.

Call them now for their special catering package that comes with two pieces of fried chicken, coleslaw, and a slice of garlic toast. Hang on, that sounds like a lot, and I'm on a limited budget. That's starting at only $4.35 per person, with a 25-person minimum. For bigger appetites, try their three pieces of fried chicken, coleslaw, baked beans, and a slice of garlic toast, starting at only $6.75 per person. That sounds like a deal, because Christine Levine's going to be there. She's got a healthy appetite. You do need a

25-person minimum, and I'm not sure how many people she counts as. For smaller groups, call Lucky Wishbone now, and we'll create your own personal party menu. Visit LuckyWishbone.com for their catering menu and to find the Lucky Wishbone nearest you. That's Lucky

Wishbone. Vote at Best Fried Chicken in Tucson three years in a row. It's just so good. Yay! If you'd like Chad to read ad copy on your radio station, go to audioshank.com. Audioshank.com and Chad Shank will be reading the audio version of my book that we're going to, I guess that's coming up in like a week or so. The 23rd we start recording.

Oh, how exciting. That's going to be awesome. Yeah, good. I've got an Audible credit, too, so. Okay, let's get a break. I want to talk about that a little bit. I want to know, like, do you sit around like we're doing right now in a studio where one person at a time and you piece it together?

like we're doing right now in a studio where one person at a time and you piece it together? We did the last book, and they just had an Audible producer come down to where we do the podcast, and we just trade it off. I love it. So you just do the talking, and then someone else takes care of all the technical stuff. Yeah, they do the editing. Audible.com. Yeah.

All right. 931, it's the Frank Show with Christine, with Doug Stanhope, Joby Whitlock. Whitlock? Yeah. And Chad Shank. We'll get a break. Be right back. Instagram, more Frank Show next on KLVX.

100% made in America. More Frank now on 96.1 KLVX. All right. Hey, Christine, this is it. It's our last segment with your friends. I know. And I'm going to claim them as friends, too. Yeah, well.

Thanks for letting us take over your show. Oh, my God. Are you kidding? I wish you would come and visit more often. Oh, seriously. Doug Stanhope, Joby Whitlock, and Chad Shank are our guests in the studio. Lucky Wishbone just dropped off a lifetime supply of chicken for us. From that one read.

Good job. Let's talk about Celebrity Death Pool. Doug Stanhope's pool kicks off on Monday, so get to dscdp.com. Monday is the start of the season. The Code Monkeys and our business partners, Mark and Gina, they built a site. They're rolling out some new code on, I think, tomorrow. But sign up. You can join Funeral Homes Leagues, and, you know, it's free if you want to join someone else's. Or you can, you know, pay to do your own league.

Okay. I've pulled up the website. I want to know, what do you say to people who say, because I get this a lot, when I talk about it, people go, oh, that's not nice. What do you say to those kids? Well, here's the deal with that. Yeah. I occasionally get, you know, get a tweet from someone that doesn't like it,

but these are the same people that think that thoughts and prayers actually help, so I'm not worried about them. These are the same people that think that thoughts and prayers actually help, so I'm not worried about them. I really want to get, like, a celebrity to be mad at us. Right. Because that would be perfect. And then maybe just find out later that they're just mad that their rankings on the site aren't actually good.

Yeah. But we have a celebrity in our league, Frank Mir. Yeah, Frank Mir, MMA fighter. Oh, yeah, I know Frank. Yeah, he was winning for the first part of last year. Fell by the wayside once the Ralphie Mason, Manson started dying for me. One of the nice things about the way we've set it up, because it is like fantasy sports, you can join a league, a funeral home, and not make picks, and it'll auto-draft picks for you. Oh, yeah, okay.

It'll give you know, random picks. So it is very much set up like fantasy. Which I like because this year I didn't have time to do research on who's got pancreatic cancer. You learn so much about diseases. Right. Like, I know the ALS usually has about a four- to five-year mortality rate from the time it's diagnosed. I just learned that like two months ago when the guy on the plane got in touch with the politician he saw. Yeah. Yeah, that guy.

And pancreatic cancer is an 80% mortality rate. That's the highest mortality rate. So you learn a lot about stuff. I just used your bathroom and went, oh, thank God I had beets. That's real. I see the funeral home that, Doug, you're the director of is the Killer Termites. Okay, yeah, that's our pay-to-play home where anyone can join up, and what we do is we give away prizes.

Like first place gets a 44-inch TV, second place gets a tablet. So that's actually live right now to join. It kicks off on the 20th. Jump on the site. Do a funeral home search for killer termites. You can join up. It's not a gambling site. You can gamble, and we encourage that, but

it's not with us. We gamble our own league. We have our own... We just do the math for you. We keep track of the points and the deaths and whatnot. So we use it as a tool like Yahoo Fantasy Sports. It's kind of like suicide football. They have the sites where, okay, anyway.

There's also a. I got faith, though. The death pool Twitter. Yeah, Twitter is Stanhope CDP. You can follow us there. Or on Facebook, it's Doug Stanhope, Celebrity Death Pool. Doug, you've got a new book. This is not fame.

Get it now. It's full of fun, hard stories from 25 years on the road. How many books for you now? That's the second. I have a third that doesn't really count. It's the best of baiting. Kind of, basically. The best of baiting, but that's an old one.

It was baiting pedophiles online. Oh, I remember that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I put that out. It's a small book, but it's a good toilet read. And Bingo's got her book out. Good toilet read. And Bingo's got her book out.

She has her diary from her first extensive stay in a Wyoming mental institution. So it's an in-the-moment diary of being locked up in a nut house. It's called Let Me Out, A Madhouse Diary by Amy Bingo Bingaman. I love it. I love it. It's on Amazon as well, as is her album that's based on that diary. I was just telling Bingo, Christine, you were playing some of her music for me yesterday.

It's really nice, Bingo. It's nice. So congrats on the music. It's no Thin Lizzy. And the album is Are You Amused? Are You Amused? That's on Amazon as well. Hey, we still have a little bit of time, so why don't you mention this? Joby.

Since we've got some time. Okay. Yeah, you're down in Bisbee, am I right? Yeah. Yeah, all right. Borderland Bread. Yeah, yeah. I started doing farmer's markets, you know, doing like the artisan sourdough and whatnot.

And so, yeah, it's starting to, you know, build steam. And this is kind of my off season and kicking off here pretty soon to go back to baking. Oh, my gosh. So do you get high on the bread smell? Not anymore. Yeah, you're used to it. I'm used to it. Your nose is blind.

But the sourdough strain I use is actually cultured at Stanhope's compound, so it's a local Bisbee sourdough strain. That culture doesn't really sound good at all. It's super spicy. That is what it is, though. Yeah, that sounds like something when you have your vagina steamed would happen. Put it on the list of things that have been cultured in that country. It's kind of a swab of sorts.

Yeah. So when you make your bread, you said you do farmer's markets. Do you have a brick and mortar there that you sell? No, no, no. I do it all. Right now I'm doing it at home and I'm moving into a commercial kitchen. I love it. Oh, wow.

That's cool. Good for you. That's exciting. So you're going to be doing bread and hopefully some scones and some pastries. I'm going to move on to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And don't forget to listen to Chad and I on the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Did you guys do a new episode yesterday?

We taped one last night. All right. When's that going to post? I think we still have one to go out that we taped a few days ago. Chaley's been gone, so we've been down since mid-December. We just started back up. So there's one new one out, another one coming out probably Wednesday. So last night's will come out, end of next week probably.

When are you going back on the road in Cleveland? I don't know. Curious. I don't go. The next leg is Asia, where I start in March. So you can do my nails for Ho Chi Minh City. You got it, baby. I'd do it for nothing. You could do my nails for Ho Chi Minh City. You got it, baby. I'd do it for nothing.

You know that. So I wanted to ask you about this, because Christine mentioned this to me, that this is something that you do, that you fly so frequently, and you have so many frequent flyer miles, that there are times you'll just hop on a plane to Singapore, have a few drinks on the plane, and then hop right back. Yeah, I talk a lot about that in the book. Oh, no.

Crazy flights. That's to get miles. It's to get status. Like, if I'm, you know, 20,000 miles away from hitting top-level diamond status on Delta, I'll jump on a plane to Singapore. South Africa. Yeah, South Africa. You never leave an airport.

I was going to say, you're not even leaving the airport. You're just drinking in a tube. We hashtag it airport pub crawl. Take pictures from airports all over the world. And there's not a part of you that feels like you might be missing out by stopping out? Not an ounce of me has any interest in what the Serengeti looks like. I don't need to see a giraffe. I can get a National Geographic. I can go to the Sky Club and drink free cocktails.

No, not a lick of me wants to see a bot fly being pulled out of my eyeball. Some scaly rash I'd get from the local horticulture. That's so cool. I get to go to the UK in July. Oh, goody. No, I'm excited about it. Try the Subway sandwiches. That's what I do over there.

I'm going to eat my way through. They don't call Subway the embassy. Their food is so repulsive. They don't call it cucumber. They call it zucchini. I'll take some cucumber. What? it zucchini. I'll take some cucumber. What? I know.

Put brown sauce over everything. Even that mayonnaise is terrible. Yes, it is gross. Can I defend the brown sauce, though? I do love me the brown sauce. I'll bring you home sauce. There's no A1 sauce. No.

They have HP sauce. And no hot sauce. Yeah, no hot sauce. Maybe Tabasco, which is vul sauce. Yeah, no hot sauce. Maybe Tabasco, which is vulgar. Yeah, Tabasco shouldn't count. No, Tabasco, I have a running war with them. What were you saying?

No mustard. Oh, yeah, they have brown mustard. Yeah, the yellow, regular French's mustard. You have to go to a specialty shop if you can find one. Was it all the fancy Dijon? Yeah, it's like stone ground. It's crunchy. Filthy people.

So you think to fly over there, I'm going to have to lose some weight to fit in the coach seat? No. I think so. And then, but if they just started me over there, I'd lose weight from my flight home. Wait, what? So why can't I just take a boat? over there, I'd lose weight from my flight home. Why? Why can't I just take a boat?

I don't know. Just ship me over in a container, and then I'll lose weight because the food's garbage. Yeah, that's true. And then I'll get home on a flight. I find food, though. I've been over there enough. I always find something to stuff my fat feet. Well, the front is as much. I will find some shoes. Doug, thank you for Well, the friends is what's best. I will find some shoes.

Doug, thank you for coming in. Thank you for having us. Thank you for bringing Chad and Joby. It was a pleasure meeting both you guys. And bingo, it was awesome getting to meet you, too. Thank you for coming in. This made me so happy. Chad, we'll do it again.

Audioshank.com. Yeah. Gscdp.com. That's Doug Stanhope, celebritydeathpool.com. Doug Stanhope podcast. Doug Stanhope New Book. I'm going to start off with, was it Raising Mother? Digging Up Mother.

Digging Up Mother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. I'm going to download. I'm going to do a Kindle download. There's an audio download of that, too, isn't there? Yeah, that's what Chad did. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I'd suggest the audio for that because we, for that book, and we're going to try to do it with this, is we took people that were in the book, so we'd cut away from, I'd read the paragraph that led into whatever their story was, and then have them chime in their version of it. That's great. No, no. No?

No, I was bent over looking out of the hotel window. That is the best one. I can't even clean this one up I remember interviewing you when the book came out and you tried to clean up stories about Mother on the phone yeah it's very difficult that was an interview you did from the

hospital parking lot oh yeah that was a bad day that was a bad day alright that's it you guys I gotta get out of here I gotta get Knucklehead to our retard doctor. Joby, Chad, Bingo, Doug, you guys, thank you. That's it for us. Have a wonderful weekend.

We'll see you guys Tuesday on The Frank Show. Bye. The Frank Show, back Monday. Another six-pack of Klaas de Graaf starts next. 96.1 KLPX. Tucson's real classic rock. Go deeper. Listen to KLPX 2. Deep cuts on your HD radio

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