The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #245: Doug's 10 Day Sober, Bulbous Head

Episode Date: February 21, 2018

Doug shares his recipe for 10 Days sober and smoke free, Jobi has a Celebrity Death Pool exclusive and Chad is back with a Police Beat. Recorded Feb 18th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), & Jobi (@StanhopesCDP). Produced by Jobi. Edited by Chaille (@gregchaille).This episode is sponsored by Blue Apron - Get $30 off your first box with free shipping at [BLUEAPRON.com/STANHOPE](BLUEAPRON.com/STANHOPE)andDollar Shave Club - Dollar Shave Club - For a limited time, DSC is basically giving away their ‘Sh*t, Shower, Shave’ Starter Set to new members! For only $5, this starter set features their Executive Razor and 3 trial-sized versions of their most popular products that help you stay fresh and clean. This offer is exclusively available at [www.DollarShaveClub.com/STANHOPE](www.DollarShaveClub.com/STANHOPE). Order a SIGNED copy of Doug's NEW book, "This Is Not Fame: A "From What I Re-Memoir"" at - [http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/?category=Books](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/?category=Books)Bingo's book "Let Me Out: A Madhouse Diary" is now available at [http://www.bingobingaman.com/](http://www.bingobingaman.com/)Closing song “Yellow”, by Coldplay as sung by Birdcloud. Available on iTunes. LINKS:Dollar Shave Club - For a limited time the ‘Sh*t, Shower, Shave’ Starter Set is available to new members for only $5\. Go to [www.DollarShaveClub.com/STANHOPE](www.DollarShaveClub.com/STANHOPE). Visit [BlueApron.com/Stanhope](BlueApron.com/Stanhope) for $30 off your first box with free shipping.Phone Booth Fighting Podcast - http://phoneboothfighting.com/Chad Shank Voice Over info at [AudioShank.com](www.AudioShank.com)Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org/](http://www.innocenceproject.org/)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Tonight I'm going to tell you. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Low energy open. It's the Doug Stanhope Podcast, episode blankety blank. Who fucking knows? Sober Doug Stanhope. Sober, ten days sober. Have you been to the doctor since you've been sober? No.

Your head looks more bulbous sober. Or maybe it's just that I'm sober. But I'm not used to seeing you this way. I don't know. He's got a glow about him. Yeah, he looks different. And the only thing I could pin down was that his head seemed more bulbous than usual. It might be.

All your brain power is storing up i'm uh i'll go through my regimen of how i've uh managed to stay smoke-free absolutely and sober meaning i've i've always been able to drive i've never had more than three cocktails in a day so and yeah for 10 days the first four days were completely you know which is not encouraged even dr drew said yeah you should really see a doctor before you try to quit cold turkey because the amount you drink that's it's really dangerous so day five i go all right i'll have i'll have a couple but I didn't crave it anything we'll get back to that I don't know if you have anything Chad Shank Joby is sitting in for Chaley Chaley's

some fucking place yeah I get a couple of things I don't know if you have anything not really I want to start out just because I want to fucking trash I'll be in san diego i'll probably be on my way to san diego by the time people are hearing this i'm there march first second third and uh last time i worked there we did three different clubs in three nights this

time we're doing two different in three nights we're at the comedy store at La Jolla and Winston's in Ocean Beach. Last time we added the American Comedy Club with this fucking psycho, like known psycho owner Justin Hollister. I think that's his name. He's got like three names, which is

really, you know, fucking serial killers. Yeah, Justin Hollister is the guy's name and uh i remember i was reading some yelp reviews about how like they fuck you over as a customer i can't remember the details it's a few years ago and uh and like like if you weren't there like within fucking 15 minutes of them opening the doors they they could you know fuck you over and say your tickets aren't good and give you no refund i was something really hinky where i already knew the guy was a psycho from when he booked the san jose improv years before uh so i went on stage and it was

like the club it was it was a fine club but it had some goofy shit like the the green room to get to the green room you basically had to cross the stage it's like uh that's the stock exchange it's very much like that so uh so that sucked and i so i went on stage and i made some jokes about the club and the this and that in the green room and just the way you do you go on stage you make fun of the backdrop you make fun of the guy's shirt in the front you make fun of so i this guy while i'm making fun of his club or whatever oh that was one of the things remember that bingo was uh if uh at the end of the show instead of a merch table where people can take your picture, they set up like a fucking Santa at the mall thing on stage.

So people, if they wanted their picture taken, it had to be with the backdrop of the club. Glamour shot. Yeah, it was really fucked up. So I'm just I'm hammering him. But that's what you do and while i'm doing this unbeknownst to me behind the stage lights he's running around to the back tables in the club did you hear what he just said about my club what did you think about that that was that was demeaning wasn't it just going up to random tables fucking flipping out so then i like should i make up with the guy he did let us stay and podcast in the

green room afterwards which was great because we could fucking chain smoke back there but he's like no he won't talk to you he's not coming out here he's in a fucking fit like just it's what you do you you make fun it wasn't overt i know when i'm going too far and i love it and that wasn't overt. I know when I'm going too far and I love it. And that wasn't it. It's funny, but not too far. And then the next day he starts mass emailing all of his staff and partners and shit, not realizing he has CC Brian Hennigan. So it's just this barrage of emails this is one of them he humiliated us nobody has ever publicly shit on my club and reputation like that before first 10 minutes of his set was just evil unfunny slanderous shit i had a potential investor and 200 stanhope fans watching this train wreck that think we're total twats

because of it who lied and set him off can you find out i need to fucking murder them all caps doug stanhope is very dangerous when given the wrong information this guy's i mean seriously mentally ill hennigan if he was here could fill you in with stories from before when he was in San Jose, calling Hennigan the most fucking evil, awful agent manager he's ever had to deal with. And he's this single-handedly the reason that's he's single-handedly ruining comedy. It's a fucking nutcase. single-handedly ruining comedy it's a fucking nutcase and i only bring this up because hannibal burris booked there this weekend fucking bailed out because they i don't know what bullshit they they tried to play with him but he's just fuck this this guy's you know very disrespectful and

uh unethical he left it at that when i when find out his story, I still won't tell you, but hopefully he will. He's not shy. But I've had many people can't name names say, hey, I heard you had a problem with this guy. He's trying to fuck me over. Can I talk to you? Guys like alternative guys that would never talk to me otherwise.

But where they're like, yeah, i don't know what to do he's threatening to you know not not pay me and like i i'm already out here i don't know what to do and all of them fucking knuckle under someone who knows he's a fucking psycho that's but doesn't have i was lucky i only did one show so he couldn't fuck with my money. And all that money went through brown paper tickets. So you got zero leverage. But other people, people that he would never try to fuck with their money, they go, yeah, he's a fucking psychopath.

I'm not going to say who it is. Yeah, he's a fucking psychopath. But yeah. What's he going to do to me? I'll fucking choke him out. Okay. I already had it. I had it before that.

Yeah. But yeah, not a lot of LA guys. They go. Yeah. I know he's fucking out of his mind, but he doesn't fuck with me. And I,

you know, it's right down the road. I get nice place to work. Where is that? San Diego, San Diego. Yeah. But LA guys,

they go, yeah, he's a fucking psychopath, but I don't say anything because he doesn't, you know, try to rip me off. So, but L.A. guys, they go, yeah, he's a fucking psychopath, but I don't say anything because he doesn't try to rip me off. But yeah, the American Comedy Club, not a bad place to perform. And again, I'm very tolerant. And with mental illness, I do have some kind of... But not when they're fucking signing the checks and have the

keys to the club well can he not just doing distinguish if it's funny that you're shit like if what you're saying is true and funny then it's still funny it's like he probably had 200 stanhope fans plus an investor possible investor that became a stanhope fan after that he's in the business of comedy he should recognize it's still funny he's manic depressive bipolar he's fucking hitting the skids at those points so no i get it if we came on here and you started shitting on me i'd beat everybody up in the room i understand the only reason i'm here is because everybody likes me and pretends very well i don't know one of the two i just wanted to get that out because if you missed uh hannibal he'll be back at a different

club in san diego as soon as he can reschedule and uh i'll be there uh it's all my shows are sold out but this yeah it gives me a reason to wind up again and start fucking hammering on the american comedy club since i'll have nothing else to open with hey marilyn manson had uh what they call a meltdown on stage. I read that. Yes. Ticket holders want their money back. Refund.

Refund. It's fucking raining again. It's raining hard. God damn it. All right. Yeah, I knew this without the many emails and tweets of people going, Hey, bro, you got to check on your buddy, Manson, man. The fucking guy's not looking good.

Oh, thank you, fucking random stranger. Hey, have you called your mother? It's Mother's Day. Who the fuck are you? You better check on your bro, dude. Fuck you. I'm your fucking backyard, you fucking cunt. There are people who are trying to alert you

that Marilyn Manson might be a little bit unstable yeah no shit and that if it was that there was that much of need for me to know it would take some random fucking douche on Twitter who sits around watching TMZ I better fucking

get on Stanhope about this. He's got to do something. Yeah. Thank God for me intervening there. Go read my tweet and text him right away. So I read one of these. It's Newsday on Manson.

I'm just going to go to the quotes. Evidently, Manson had, hey, what you would consider an off night. If I was at the show, I probably wouldn't have noticed the difference. It reminded me of whenever, from your book, your show where Hennigan had to convince them that that was actually your show. Right. That just seems like it's harder with Manson. They know what to expect. Like, no, that's the show. You didn't get it? Yeah, manson they know what to expect like no that's the show you didn't get it yeah i wouldn't know what to expect i saw him once so if yeah i

so i watched a three minute clip of what they say was him you know mumbling or something i sounded like him just kind of singing or something i don't. He always seems fucked up to me. But I wrote down some of the quotes from fuckheads that were at the show. Maybe he needed some hugs or TLC. But this is New York. Ain't gonna happen. Says Claudio Alvarez, 36, of West Babylon, New York. Claudio goes on. Because Claudio's opinions don't fucking end right there. He's a professional who has to do what he's going to do. I love the guy, but this is too much.

Oh, it's too much for Claudio. Oh, Claudio. One more. oh claudia one more you can't call this a show says sean walls 28 also of west babylon new york i've been a fan since i was five years old i grew up listening to him but he's dead to me at this point classic sean classic sean what is wrong with sean's parents five years old five years old you're listening to marilyn manson he's 28 so okay five years old that's 23 years you go back that's about manson's heyday wherever it is it's causing a fucking ruckus and yeah that's instead

of the flintstones your fucking parents put you in front of Manson videos. Are your parents dead to you at this point, too? Are they dead in your eyes? You fucking simpleton. The only reason you fucking love Manson is because, yes, he does go off the rails. He does go too far. He really lives that fucking life and you know what that includes some bad shows yeah not every show is going to be perfect when you're the real

article fuck up the one you worse he's dead to me he'll live without you since you're five watching fucking manon. I grew up with him. He's dead to me. What? It said he played for a little more than an hour. Shit. That's a fucking show. That's a whole show.

That's my full show. Hour 15. Fuck yeah. That's it. I couldn't listen to more than an hour 15 of maryland manson oh shit it's not a real show what if he's maybe he's trying something new how do you know what was this show supposed to be fucking tell me claudio tell me sean i take back what i said before i think you can argue that that was the show you don don't know. Yeah, fucking with you is the show. Just watching you fucking storm out

in your fucking combat boots, stomping around. Your mascara's running from your tears. Your fucking, your lip ring is touching your fucking goatee because your pouty lips. I didn't like you one bit. Meh.

Goatee because you're pouty-lipped. I didn't like you one bit. The sound of Doc Martin shuffling away is just beautiful. Yeah, maybe sometimes you're the show. You piss ants. He was evidently saying, hey, he was saying the crowd fucking sucked for a long time did you ever think maybe you did fucking suck oh wait so the piss ants aren't like the killer termites i thought he was like his following the maryland manson piss he's a professional you know what he's in

a profession where he's the only one doing what he does for a living. He's the only Marilyn Manson in the Marilyn Manson game. So he decides what's professional. And you can take your fucking best buy rules and your name tag and bring them back to where you fucking work. And you know what your profession is. Don't put your fucking rules on him. You fucking cunt. Claudio Alvarez, 36, of West Babylon, and Sean Walls, 28, of West Babylon.

That's W-A-L-Z. Now you are public figures since you want to be fucking pro bono critiques in Newsday. Well, maybe someone should fucking follow your Facebook fucking pages and tell you when they don't like what you're doing. Fuck you. Both. I hope you meet each other in a head-on.

Amen. Yeah. That was refreshing. Wow. I'm awake now. That's why I thought we'd kick it off with that. I like this. Fired up. Yeah, I haven't been fired up.

I've been purposely dumb for 10 days now. Just doing nothing but monkey work. Just put a square block, square hole, round block. Hey, maybe I organized my fucking sock drawer. All four of them. I have four sock drawers. Is that too much? Yes, it is.

Especially when you can't close the main one. Listen. Because it's spilling out. Listen, I'm going to stop you right now. You're not relatable to the audience. Yeah. None of us have four sock drawers, fucking bougie bastard. Well, I get a lot of different suits.

The socks have to meet. Yeah, I got rid of a lot of socks. Oh, I was just picturing just white sweat socks coming out of drawers. You have art socks. I forgot about that. Yeah, and Hennegan, every time Hennegan comes, he brings me six more pairs of gifts, and most of them don't match anything.

They're rainbow multicolored, so I got rid of a bunch of socks. That felt good, but it took no creative thinking, no deductive reason. Nope, nope, nope, yep. Stan Hope showed up at the farmer's market, did a beeline over to my booth. How's it going? Looked at him. Oh, he's glowing, and he looks healthy as well. This is weird already.

He said, yeah, all right. I'm going to go listen to Casey Kasem's Top 40. Sober good time. Wait. Oh, go ahead. Sorry. You're gonna do what? Yeah, I'm just gonna drive around and listen to old episodes of... On SiriusXM, if anyone's old enough,

Uncle Ron, you gotta remember Casey Kasem's American Top 40 on SiriusXM satellite radio on channel 7 is 70s on 7 saturday morning at 10 a.m right when they used to play it when it was a real thing they do full repeats of casey casem all the old archives yeah america's top 40 with the long distance dedications and the whole fucking nine yards. Three hours long. So I got up at 10,

jumped in the car, ran over to you quick enough while song number 39 was still playing. Oh, he was in and out quick. You're doing a lot of weird shit, Sober. Did you go to a comedy show? Yeah, we'll get to that after the break. But I'll tell you,

here's my key and i'm gonna i'm gonna do an infomercial a series of self-help books after how to spend 10 days without uh smoking and just kind of drinking just a little bit maintenance drinking yeah first thing don't talk to anyone see anyone have anyone over this whole thing started bingo through all you fucking people out of my house where i told her she did indeed that is a true story well you have to understand this this bender had been going since the day before the super bowl hard drinking through super bowl monday i just let it ride and just woke up drunk and let's just keep going tuesday bingo had her book reading at the library downtown so that turned into more drinking and then wednesday

we had frank meer and uh big Dick Hunter for the Swapcast. That was Thursday and Friday also because he hung on for a couple more days. Dick Hunter did. We had dinner scheduled for Thursday. If it was anyone I knew better, I'd have bailed out of that. There was breakfast and

dinner scheduled for that day on the night of the podcast. I know because I bailed out of both. I'm like, I'm not answering my phone anymore. Luckily, everybody knew not to call me. So then we had dinner and came back here and got drunk and did a second podcast that probably won't get released. We'll let Chaley decide.

I haven't heard it. It was rough, yeah. And then Thursday, that's it. I'm tapping out. I can't. I didn't want to. Friday. Friday.

I wanted to not drink. I wanted to not drink and smoke. That's how bad it was. And that's when our friend had a makeshift wedding scheduled here in the fun house. Basically, a drive-thru wedding in a Vegas situation. Oh, no. I had to take bingo to Tucson Friday, and it was Saturday we did the wedding here. Yeah.

What did I do Friday? You told me to drive her up because you weren't physically able to keep the car on the road safely. Oh, you were in early stages of recovery. Yeah, I had to take her up to Tucson. Okay, maybe that was my day one. Yeah, maybe so.

Okay, so it was day two. It was like, all right, I can't fucking deal with people, but as long as they don't come in the main house fine and then they started coming the main house because we had something else that we evidently an old friend was coming to town and now more people are coming and they're coming in i'm like i'm just gonna go to fucking sierra vista and get a hotel room because i cannot look at people i can't talk you. If you're a local and you're listening

to this, when you stop by at like two in the afternoon and I'm sitting here in my pajamas at the bar and I'm just staring at Hotmail or Newser or something and you start talking to me and I turn towards you and that blank look on my face and you know how five minutes and i go hey you ready for a cocktail even though it's like 145 you know i guess sure it's not because i start drinking at fucking two o'clock in the afternoon it's because i have nothing to say to you i'm sober and i want to just stare at my fucking computer and i don't want to chit chat i have nothing to say i i i can't believe that that's not widely known. One of the reasons I don't bother you, aside from the fact that I don't want to talk to anybody,

is because I feel like people are always bothering you. Just people show up. Hey, I'm here to hang out with you. That's not a fucking party all the time. Well, everyone thinks that I'm talking about everyone else when I say I just can't deal with it. I always think you're talking about me. The two say i just can't deal with it i always think you're talking about me the two as you're gonna say the two of you i have no problem being silent

around but you'd never hang out when other yeah but we can sit here at the bar and not talk to each other for an hour hours on end and i don't care to talk to you and you don't care to talk to me we just want to watch tv and fuck around the computer. It's just kind of nice being in the same room, but I don't want to acknowledge you. You don't want to acknowledge me. But yeah, the people that were coming that day, oh, we haven't seen her in years. You can't just not talk to her.

That was going to get busy. Yeah, that was going to get busy. The problem, I'm so short on time before I have to go back on the road. I got to get some fucking rehab hours in. My lungs, remember how my lungs sounded throughout? It's gone. Within five days, all that fucking half full of fucking gunk,

my lungs were perfect now. We all pulled out of here that day and went down to the Grand, and everybody was kind of looking at it like, whoa, what's going on? I'm like, Stanhope's fucking leaving in a week. He's trying to maintenance up so he can fucking go on the road for everybody. Oh, all right, all right. So everybody understood what the fuck you're doing.

But you're just such a – you're usually host even when you don't want to. So when you finally are like, fuck you, get out, people – I didn't do that, though. Bingo did that for me. No, you did. No, I told bingo i said just i was gonna go to sierra vista and get a hotel room and she said well should i come with you i go she goes i'll go talk to him i said well just tell him they're fine you know use the fun

house for whatever just leave the main house alone don't go in the main house just so which we weren't going to anyway which which she knew wasn't good enough yeah because she knows you yeah the same way with jenny will be you know i'm like i'm doing all right and she brings me five benadryl so i fucking go to sleep immediately and don't kill anybody it's the same thing she's taking care of you oh shit right down benadryl i hooked that up uh yeah so evidently bingo came in and said, everyone get the fuck, Stan Obon said, everyone get the fuck up. No, no, no, she did better than that.

She didn't say that. She just said, you gotta go. Yeah, everyone's gotta go. Everyone's gotta go right now. She did good, because she didn't try to offer any excuse or a reason. She just said,

fuck you guys, gotta go. It's my house, fuck you. But every time I've done this before or tried to do there's a always a reason every day every morning and then afternoon that someone stops by either you made plans and you forgot or someone's only in town for oh i just stopped in. I haven't seen you in five years, and I'm just passing through. So I hated it to be PD, but hadn't seen her in years. It's always going to be something.

And so Bingo tells you to fuck off, and here I am, full of life. I feel fucking fantastic. We'll get back to it.'s let's hit a break and then i'm going to tell you what i've been doing for my hashtag sober good time blue apron this is perfect because after super bowl after the weeks of just the whole season, every refrigerator just kept getting filled up with more leftovers and more leftovers. Somehow cheese was in fashion. Even though the Packers were nowhere near the playoffs, every fucking weekend I just had more and more cheese. And I think it was the championship rounds where I just made everything.

Every food thing that went out had cheese. There's fucking nachos. There's this. Everything has cheese. Cheese on cheese. I got it down to before the Super Bowl. I get it down to just like American cheese. And I go, oh, good.

There's something I want American cheese on. I made like a homemade fucking egg McMuffin. And then bingo, I thought had eaten all the American cheese. I go, finally, I need cheese. And you ate it all. She goes, I didn't eat it. And Hennigan goes, oh, I ate all that. So I didn't care.

I was happy. But Hennigan thought I was pissed. So he went and filled up my fucking cheese drawer to the top again. With more fucking cheese than Super Bowl. People brought cheese. I couldn't fit all the cheese in the cheese drawer, so I'm making the gumps come up. I'd call them every night.

Hey, if you still want grilled cheese, there's grilled cheese here. Eat fucking cheese. Still have a bunch of cheese. You thought about donating it to Borderland Bread? Grilled cheese? Yeah, yeah. I got to find out what we can donate to the homeless place like i'm sure open packages they don't want but still they should be able to decide they're fucking homeless they're picky for open packages fuck them well i think the the actual establishment can't but if you leave it in a bag out

front some fucking hobo is not going to give a shit there's one bun missing uh my point is i i get uh mrs gump up here uh every night fucking making grilled cheese or eating grilled cheese that i made just it's a weird fetish but all right i'm down with it gotta get rid of the cheese i can't throw shit away we'll get to that at another point but the older you get the more you have these ingrained things i used to be claustrophobic in that uh i couldn't uh buried alive would be fucking horrifying but now i tried to ride in the way back of the suv to dinner with dick hunter and i And I lasted about 15 seconds before I said, no, open the fucking thing.

Open it. I can't do this. And they stuffed my six foot two ass in there instead of him. So yeah. Yeah. Point being, Mrs. Gump calls me up one of those nights

and says, hey, can we use the kitchen? Because they live in this fucking camper down there with no, you know. Can I use the kitchen because they live in this fucking camper down there with no can I use your kitchen we're making blue apron they're eating Chaley's blue apron while Chaley's out of town

saving it from the javelinas and I walked through at one point and I'm like that must be it she can't yeah blue apron grilled cheese I'm not fucking with you that must be it. She can't. Yeah. Blue apron. Grilled cheese. I'm not fucking with you.

After a fucking million nights of me force feeding them grilled cheese to get rid of the cheese. Where's the goddamn. It was a blue apron. Oh, here it is. Here it is. Yeah. Pickled beet grilled cheese Sandwiches With mixed citrus salad It was delightful

Says Mr. Gump But it was fucking killing me I never knew I'm not gonna say that They're grilled cheese We used your cheese too Like we added to it it was nice and fat Well good good

As long as you got rid of some of that cheese. You can get grilled cheese sandwiches from Blue Apron. Nice. Not going to say it's better than mine. I'll say it's as good. This one had sourdough

bread. Joby makes sourdough bread. He's not going to say that Blue Apron's is better than his. I will say we'll settleon's is better than his. I will not. We'll settle for as good as a sponsor. Sure. And delivered to your house. I will say this.

I would have never thought to make a grilled cheese sandwich with in this pickled beet grilled cheese sandwich from Blue Apron. It comes with one blood orange, one mandarin orange, two tablespoons of sliced roasted almonds,

and a tablespoon of fig spread. See? Fuck me. That's amazing. As long as it would take me to get rid of that cheese, as many concoctions as I could come up with, blood orange. At least now you know how to get rid of all your fig spread. Yeah.

Blue Apron, let's read some copy. Blue Apron is the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. In the country. The entire country, alaska hawaii blue apron delivers fresh pre-portioned ingredients and this is what i was getting to unlike the fucking super bowl where you have a billion leftovers you eat blue apron you you eat every fucking part of the goat you eat every part of the goat you kill it you know the the container for the fig spread you wear it as a clown nose on halloween zero waste

no one leaving their shitty fucking pots and pans behind either pre-portioned ingredients and step-by-step recipes right to your door or the door next to where you park your camper so you can go out and steal their blue apron when they're on vacation, should they forget to put in the suspend notice. The menu changes every week based on what's in season and designed by Blue Apron's in-house culinary team. It's a good thing they're Blue Collar team.

I don't want a bunch of white collar people designing my meals. Can't trust them. Coming up, here, did you see this? Soy glazed Korean rice cakes with broccoli and soft boiled eggs.

Yeah, it actually looks really good. It does. I'd say I'll be eating plenty of that shit on an Asian tour, but Korea is the one country we're not going to go to. But when I get back, soy glazed Korean rice cakes and the soft boiled eggs Blue Apron has, probably not like Korea

where they have a fetus. A rotting duck. Yeah. Fetus of a dinosaur. Go ahead, Chad. Fucking hit a beat. Hit it. Blue Apron is treating the Doug Stanhope podcast listeners to $30 off your first order

if you visit blueapron.com slash stanhope. So check out this week's menu and get your $30 off at blueapron.com slash stanhope. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Dollar Shave Club. What do you think, Chad? I enjoy Dollar Shave Club, even though I don't shave regularly. Chaley's usually here to carry this because he's like a fetishist with the Dollar Shave Club. And he shaves quite often. I mean, he's usually slick and, you know, yeah. Yeah, well, sometimes he's on the road with me for three, four weeks,

and he probably doesn't even suspend his account. He probably lets him build up and then shaves five, six times a day. He shaves parts of the- Frequent flyer miles. He sits around shaving the soles of his feet, seeing if he can grow hair just because he loves Dollar Shave Club so much.

I'll admit I have too many stacked up in my medicine cabinet because I forgot for a little while that when I'm depressed that I can pause it. I'm not shaving. Now I do that. I'm like, oh yeah, I'm not going to be shaving for a few months. I can pause that out.

But they also have stuff I found the other day because my mustache is getting too long and unruly, and it looks like a homeless guy. And I was like, I need to shave that. But I don't know how to shave my mustache, so I Googled it. I'm like, how do you trim your mustache? And it said, don't fucking try to trim your mustache, you dumb fuck. Just put some shit in it and try to move it out of your fucking mouth

or whatever it's doing. Well, Dollar Shave Club sent me a free sample of some sort of hair clay type thing. I've been using it on my mustache, and I've been eating my mustache a lot less than usual. So it's like a wax kind of thing. Yeah, it's like a wax. I don't know if it's designed for that, but it's a fucking good... It works for that.

Dollar Shave Club has a lot of shit other than just razors. They have, like, shaved butter. Well, they're the ones that have the fucking... The dung wipes that I get to get for the road. They're not called dung wipes. They're called One Wipe Charlies. One Wipe Charlies. So I don't have to do all these

experiments with fucking family dollar psyllium husk trying to figure out how to not have to wipe my ass i could just get one wipe charlie's one wipe charlie's are readily available and able to be taken across borders as far as i know i'm not not sure, but I'm I have confidence saying that, even though I don't know. They are OTCs, but you can take them. Listen, clean your ass. If I get arrested for them, can I take them to jail with me?

One wipe, Charlie, and then they have Dr. Fucknuts nut butters? No, Dr. Carver's Shave Butter. Shave Butter. It's like Nair for your face, except you have to use a razor. Why? For boys only?

Well, I don't know. It doesn't take the hair off by itself like Nair, but after you swipe your razor through it, you would think it was Nair because it's real smoothie and baldish. Now I'm thinking about a vagina instead of my face. I'm getting trimmers. I have them packed. I have new trimmers, so I have the attachment that I'm going to fucking shave a lot of the hay that grows out of my ass crack for Asia.

So it's easier to get a one wipe Charlie's in there. You don't want to have to be running over a whole fucking bushel of ass-crack hair to get to your asshole. That's half the toilet paper I use. One-wipe Charlie. I'm going to make it fucking easier for you to find my asshole. The other thing that Dollar Shave Club now has, Shaylee told me this.

I didn't know it, but I'm going to add it to my next package. Toothbrush and toothpaste. Yeah, I saw that. That looks good. Jenny usually does a good job of stocking the lower shelf in the bathroom with toothpaste, but a toothbrush, if I get a good handle, because the one thing I like about their

shave razors is the handle is hefty. So if the toothbrush is like that, I'm going to try it out. Is that weapon hefty? well I guess that's why I like it I don't know I haven't looked that deeply into it should I do the call to action?

you should yeah go ahead you do it call to action I don't think we're supposed to say that you're not supposed to well Shaylee can cut that part out or leave it in go for the gold

join Dollar Shave Club today. And for just $5 with free shipping, you'll get their shit, shower. Hey, wait. That has an asterisk where it says shit. Am I supposed to say shit? Say shit. Shit Shower Shave Starter Set. It has the six-blade executive razor plus trial sizes of shave butter body cleanser

and one wipe charlie's then keep the blades coming for a few bucks more a month get yours at dollarshaveclub.com slash stanhope that's dollarshaveclub.com slash stanhope. I recommend you do it. I was saying, my butthole's... A little chafey? A little chafey, yeah. Listen, it happens to buttholes. I mean... That's what happens.

Are you rolling? Yeah. Nice. Bingo's talking about her chafey butthole. It happens. I am trying to practice the wet wipes for the Asian tour. I've been using the...

They're not a name brand. I should probably get a name brand, but I'm... You think? Yeah. What are you afraid is going to be so different? Well, I think... I think one of our upcoming sponsors here actually has butt wipes,

but I'll have to wait until you read it because I didn't realize until I was just saying it. I get some fucking no name because the whole Asian, I'm terrified of not having toilet paper and having a squat. Surely they have toilet paper everywhere you go. I have bad knees. If I have to fucking squat over one of those holes, there's a really good chance I fall backwards. I don't have strong ankles.

My knees crack. I wish I could, if this, if this mic, I could take out of its stand and just have you hear how my knees sound. Listen. Ow. I heard it.

Yeah. If I put a microphone right up to my knees they're not good that's why i make bingo do anything hey can you grab me something out of a drawer that's just lower than my waist you get it because i ain't fucking leaning or bending joe be let's first of all crank out this death pool update, and then I've got to teach these kids how to live a sober, fun lifestyle. I know, right? Okay, first off, you guys have seen them, everyone's seen them.

We've got new shirts out. Do you like them? I have one. Jenny, I put it on the other day, and Jenny told me, I really like that shirt on you. And I still didn't get laid, but she really liked the shirt on me. Nice. Yeah, that's my favorite shirt we've ever done.

Yeah, so go to DougStanhopeCelebrityDeathPool.com. Go to our store and pick one up. Crown Prince in New York did all that. They're an amazing shirt shop, so visit them. On the new site, Code Monkeys knocked it out of the park with the new design you even commented how like user-friendly it is now and interactive and they have a they have a spark a spot that just says i want to and if you click on it it gives you a list of shit you can do like you can't get more dumbed down fucking easy than that yeah i want to do this yay you push the button and that makes it happen you

know i also uh got an email on my last hit okay so we're saying yeah it was like there's a death hit check your check your death i'm like what fantastic because i got a fucking hit i've gone months where i found the most obscure person ever and then they die and you're not going to read about it in the news yeah you feel like it's your personal responsibility to inform them that they died. Yeah, yeah. I've wanted that for years and now we finally have it wherever you get it. Whenever you get a hit, we send you an email.

Hey, check your standings. You know, where are you at? And so that'll get more people on the site. Hey, you know, jump online. So the new site design is amazing. It's really really good. They did a great job. And join up and start a new funeral home.

You can start up any time of the year. Just because it's February doesn't mean that the season's locked in. So it's like fantasy sports. You can start any time you want. Shank and I did a Skype call-in to Frank Mir and frank meir and richard hunter's podcast phone booth phone booth fighting follow these guys it's it's a good podcast but we're going to be doing a monthly death pool update nice all right on on their podcast we did one last time and we talked about you know upcoming you know trade round and whatnot and the whole subject of when you couldn't remember if Tommy Shaw was in Styx or Foreigner.

I don't remember, but I was pretty sure that we solved that on the podcast. I think it was the second podcast we solved. This is the third time I've tuned out on this dumb conversation. A lot of people were tweeting me, I hate to break the bad news to you. Really? You think we didn't figure it out in the fucking two weeks it took us to put that podcast out?

You think we didn't figure it out? Are you the same guy who says I should check on fucking Manson? I hate to break it to you, but that argument you had two weeks ago that I just finally listened to, I'm going to be the first guy to tell you. Shut the fuck up. You know that conversation you don't remember at all? So we're starting a new funeral home, and first and second prizes will get an Amazon gift card,

and more people that join up, the bigger the card will be. But for first place— First place will hold a second. You, you fucking asshole who tweets me. No, I'm talking to the same guy. I'm still yelling at you. Check on your buddy Manson. And Tommy Shaw wasn't a Night Ranger.

No, you fuck. You know what? You cocksucker. You, Claudio and Alex. You know what concert you're going to talk about forever? The one that fucking went awry. Yeah, I saw Manson once and it fucking sucked. If he had just a normal

concert, played his hits, you'd never fucking talk about it again. You're going to brag that you were there when fucking Manson dies. Even if he dies of some kind of fucking triple cancer fucking when he's 103. You're go you know what yes it's sad the way he

lived his life though i saw him once in west babylon fucking new york you're gonna talk about that forever and now that you got mentioned in newsday i bet you carry that fucking newsday around with you and you show chicks you have it right on your phone yeah in fact it was so bad they actually interviewed me about it here look look at this shut the fuck up you're a turd you're a nothing you're never gonna be anything you're gonna be an audience member for the rest of your life you're a seat filler that's all you're ever gonna be is a fucking ticket bought and you know what if you don't buy it, someone else will. So suck a dick.

Strangled to death in a 69, Claudio and Alex. Okay, so first place was... Okay. Let's let Chad Shank explain what first place is. The funeral home is open right now, correct? Yeah, it's open to join. Let Chad Shank explain what first place is. The funeral home is open right now, correct?

Yeah, it's open to join right now. It's called the Damn Yankees. Because of the super group. And it's a cross between phone booth fighting and Doug Stanhope podcast and Death Pool. So it's a super group. I'm issuing a personal challenge on this one. Because what I did is on the 15th, it was a day it was rainy and I was doing trade round and I was fucking around. I spent the entire rainy day on the 15th and researched 20 musicians

that are not musicians that everybody might pick. So I have my whole death pool list filled with musicians. I have a bonus point on every one of my picks. Because that's a bonus category. So I'm thinking that I got this one locked down. So we'll see what happens. So first place. Yeah, explain what first place is going to be.

I'm looking at it encased in a questionable plastic right now. It's a Playboy Entertainment for Men holiday anniversary issue with Joni Lohrer, otherwise known as... China. China. Back door to China.

Yep. So what we're going to do is have Frank Mir, Richard Hunter, you, Shank, and I all sign it, and that'll be first place prize along with an Amazon gift card. Again, it could be $50. It could be $200 depending on how many people join up. Okay.

You had a hard time rubbing one out to her? She looks all right. I could probably do that. Oh, maybe not if she was moving. Still picture. Talking to the camera. Yeah, still picture something completely different. No eye contact with her at all.

So, yeah. So go to... What we're referencing is Pop-Off Presents. Yeah, Pop-Off. I don't know if anyone knows. That should have been it. Yes. My latest special, which was released underground, is available on Vimeo.

It's old material that we filmed here as an experiment in the fun house. It's called Pop-Off Vodka Presents an Evening with Doug Stanhope. It was actually somehow rated on something. I don't know. Hennigan. We don't promote it. But yeah, I get it. It's an hour.

It's a fun hour. And we're still waiting for that cease and desist from Popov now that we are kind of forcing their hand. So yeah, watch it and retweet links to it and whatnot. I think it's like two bucks or something. It does include a great story about China who is in this issue of Playboy. So we're all going to sign this. Oh, and it's got a great story.

It's got a great story about the Canadian border with bingo and the cocaine and all that where I go, oh, hopefully no one notices this because I got to do a whole shitload of canada in like may and i think we're flying into that same little airport in halifax i don't know if halifax is confirmed but if they've if they've watched it we can guarantee i actually because of that whole story where the part about where they're testing my bag for drugs i was looking up rules for asia like can i even bring a legit prescription over with me there's like i'm afraid to bring just

over the counter like sleeping pills because one of those countries they're gonna fucking cut off your hands i thought you were gonna say you had to buy all new bags. I did. You did. Yeah. I did because I. These bags have had too much drugs in them. That's the whole story. And then I go, oh, shit. Well, I tried to wash. It's that same bag that tested positive for cocaine in Canada years ago. I tried to put it through the laundry, but it's so old it just shredded the fucking thing.

So then I had to buy a new bag, get a new backpack and a new roller bag fucking i'm going all clean it's still gonna have those uh the salt things what do you call those the silica silica pack yeah it's gonna have all that shit well when you get back we'll put some drugs in them and break them in right oh yeah uh all right okay so yeah, go to DougStanhopeCelebrityDeathPool.com and sign up for the damn Yankees, and we'll get you hooked up with a bunch of prizes if you win first through third. You're not going to win. I'm going to be jerking off to this magazine next year. All right.

Well, then good for you. Well, I get a lot of free time. I get a lot of free time to look shit up. Yep. Yep. So that's it. I'm awake a lot longer now. That's the other problem with the whole sober, non-smoking as you're fucking, you can't

sleep. It's like doing a bunch of coke. All this stuff that would usually knock me down. Nope. Wide awake. But I have no responsibilities. This is where, see, my key to staying sober and smoke free for 10 days with almost zero craving whatsoever for a cigarette. None.

Because, yeah, just do other shit. No one's there to bother me and stress me out. I don't have to put a set together. I don't have to do this and that. I don't have a party to attend. I've been doing this for 10 years. And that's why you're not smoking. You don't crave cigarettes, do you? Not at all. See, it works. First thing is the water thing, which I've never been able to do. I know Joby swears he drinks a gallon a day. When you say you drink a gallon of water a day, are you talking regular water or do you include the green tea?

Does that count? No, no, no, no. Water, water. Like just water. I'm on par with that. Because I've never seen you fucking drink water. Yeah, not here because I'm drinking alcohol. Yeah, nobody drinks water here.

I drink about a gallon of water a day too, but I don't drink it here. Yeah, why drinks water here. I drink about a gallon of water a day too, but I don't drink it here. Why would I ever drink water here? That's 126 ounces of water. If you're here for six hours at night, that means you're just chugging water the rest of the time

until you explode. Well, it's not every day. It's not like we're at the fun house going, oh, I didn't drink my gallon of water today. I have to get it in just on a regular day. I drink about a gallon of water. Easily a gallon. Well, I'm forcing myself to, which is it does work. When I'm drinking, I will drink a half gallon of milk.

Yeah, I've seen you like a beer bong. It's a milk bong it just yeah now i'm such a down yeah i don't drink any milk at all drinking water do that been taking vitamins uh milk thistle everyone says that's good for your liver so i've been doing milk thistle every day fish oil c b12 uh e cranberry something r2d2 you put you put more effort into being sober for 10 days knowing that you're gonna be not sober after that 10 days than most people put into being sober for their entire life well i thought i'd have at least two weeks but you know get a little crazy and bingo and i are going to hawaii tomorrow as no way i'm staying sober on a flight that would if me being sober on one you know

journey to hawaii from here nine hours beats chrysler's sober october like to be sober on that fucking flight back and forth no way but. But the key is to not smoke. The not drinking is an effort to not smoke. Well, and I would imagine, I'm not a smoker, but I would imagine that the not smoking is a lot easier because of the not drinking. That's absolute necessity. That's why I say two drinks, which is three. But you drink more than that, you go, ah, fuck it.

Just a drag. Just a drag. And that turns into a pack. Yep. I thought I asked you earlier. I asked him earlier if he's like maintenance drinks. I thought he'd be 10, 12 maintenance drinks. He said like three or four.

I was impressed. That's good. Yeah. It's real good. I'm going to pick you up next trade round if you keep this up. Vitamins, smoothies every day. Smoothie. I already said milk thistle.

Thanks, honey. What's that? Yeah, fiber poop pills. I got dollar store ones. I went through 100 capsules of Dollar General fiber pills. What are you taking recreationally? No, I've taken like 12. I got up to like 12 a day.

Still, I'm trying to get that. If you eat psyllium husk properly, you get perfect no wipers. So I'm still practicing for Asia, where if you take fish oil, psyllium husk, giant shits, no wipers, Dollar General does not provide the fiber that I'm needing because I'm not taking anywhere near a perfect shit. These are just gunky muck. It's just muck shits, but they're beet colored because of the smoothies. The smoothie is beets, asparagus, carrot juice, cucumber,

spinach with apple, banana, a mixture of berries or pineapple or yesterday, watermelon and jalapeno, our favorite. You're listening to the Joe Rogan podcast. What the fuck is this? I'm just telling you.

And then I drink about a thousand green teas during the day, and I eat like a motherfucker. I'm eating fucking incredible amounts of food. But sleeping is the hard part. See, because that's me. Sleep is my friend. I sleep fucking to avoid life a lot.

And I'm trying to wean myself off of sleepers because Asia can't travel with the shit I'm prescribed, can't travel with the shit I buy off, can't travel with the shit I buy off the shelf. You don't want to look sleepy because they'll think you're local. Right. Oof. Good one. That was good.

That was good. That was dumb. Start talking in their home tongue. I've heard that a lot of those countries actually have this stuff. It's easy to buy there, but as the old rule applies, do drugs, just don't have drugs. If someone offers me a fucking Xanax in-country, I'll fucking take it right before I go to the airport

and then walk through, and I'll look sleepy. Read between the lines. If you're going to give Stanhope drugs in these other countries, don't give them a lot of them. Keep them for yourself because a lot of them are getting thrown away if you fucking give them all your drugs. Just one at the airport, thanks. So, yeah, I'm going to have to learn how to either be awake a lot. But who gives a fuck? I work for an hour a night.

Stay awake until i fall asleep i'm not it's not like i'm gonna fall asleep on stage uh hey yeah guys ready to have a good time you can do better than that in fact you're gonna have to because the only way he's gonna stay awake is if you continue to make a racket. There's no Salman X here. Do they take... Do Asian people take pictures in their own country like they do here? Are you going to have no photography signs or is that

just a watch? We'll find out. That's all the racist jokes I have. I doubt it. All right, sober good times. I'm trying to think of other shit. Other than driving around like a fucking teenager,

listening to Casey Kasem, America's Top 40, fucking ace freely. Oh, yeah. Back in the New York groove. I had that cranked. I've never cranked my stereo in my car to teenage levels. And I'm cruising down 92 with that vibrating my fucking elbow. Singing at the top of my lungs.

My fucking right hand is pumping. Almost hitting the fucking rear view mirror. We thought the warranty is voided on that car now because of that i just drove the long way to sierra vista and then back through and then it was still i was only an hour and a half in i was finding errands to do looking for yard sales just anything to keep driving and listen to casey casem who says alcohol doesn't make you cool? Well, I had to go get my new driver's license picture. I didn't know this happens, but in Arizona, when you get your driver's license, it's good until you're 63 or 65, no matter how old you are and i go that doesn't make sense because if you're 17 and then once you hit 50 and you're going to give them the same driver's license with a 17 year old kid on it well it

turns out every 12 years you have to get your picture updated so i need a global entry i'm doing all this international shit global entry that. That speeds you through fucking customs when you come back and gets you all the pre-check and all that. Arizona just started that. They didn't do that until recently. I read that. Yeah. Well, I thought I'd been blowing that off for years

because you have to go through this. It's an extensive process. You have to apply online just to get an interview to get it. And then you had to go to Phoenix. It used to be to get the interview to get it and then you had to go to phoenix it used to be to get the interview at the airport and i don't fly out of phoenix i don't want to go to fucking phoenix it's a fucking eight hour round trip so hennigan fills it out i'll figure i'll find a reason i'll fly to hawaii out of phoenix i don't give a shit i gotta have global entry it's uh so hennigan fills it out and then they finally approved my application a couple weeks later and then i look at oh you can get

it in douglas douglas is the nearest town going the wrong way if you want to keep going towards nothing and bisbee isn't close enough to nothing. You can go to Douglas. If you have not been to Douglas. If you want to keep going, you can go to Mexico. Yeah. Where they do not. Yeah. You're going to want global entry to get the fuck out of there.

I think it was Einstein that said, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Douglas would be the equal and opposite reaction to Bisbee. It is the polar opposite. It's the fucking dregs. It's a shithole. There's nothing there. But the DMV, go ahead it's mexico it's it's mexico in the united states it's the same as nogales it's it's a fucking ghost town yeah

it's yeah it's tumbleweeds and i still prefer it over sierra vista i'll still go there oh yeah because it's empty yeah it's absolutely empty h. I'll still go there. Oh, yeah, because it's empty. Yeah, it's absolutely empty. Hennigan and I went there once just to scope it out. And we stayed at the Gadsden, which is a beautiful lobby. Yeah, it's an old historic hotel that has a gorgeous lobby. And then the rooms are all fucking trailer for sailor rent. Just beige boxes with a squeaky

mattress and nothing no tv it's a flop house i guess they've revamped it somewhat i don't know yeah so we go there i gotta do uh i'm gonna get my new driver's license picture and i made the appointment for global entry in douglas which if if you do that they say because it takes weeks to get an appointment for an interview douglas no one knows about it you go in i went in and they said oh it took me 30 minutes and it would have been uh 15 but their computers are so fucked up sorry man you'd have been out of here by now no i already approved you just the computer is so slow. The guy knows us from fucking baseball.

He goes, you look really familiar because I wore the same suit I wore on my last special because I'm doing driver's license picture and global entry picture. Hey, get a suit up. And he goes, you look really familiar for something. And I go, I'm a stand up comic. And he goes, oh, really familiar for something. And I go, I'm a stand-up comic. And he goes, oh, that's it. Baseball. He knows all of us from fucking ripping the shit out of fucking heckling baseball.

I don't know where the fuck I was going with this. Oh, so I do global entry. If you got to do global entry, go to Douglas. He says people fly from L and phoenix down to or travel just to do it do global entry go to the gadston breakfast place there's a poster where we're at where we're checking out cashing out says uh live stand-up comedy February 15th Mark Skippy Price Skippy from Family Ties

at Cilantro's in Douglas oh you went to the one in Douglas? he was in Sierra Vista too I saw the one in Sierra Vista yeah we found out later I found the article that was Valentine's day so he was

charging uh money you can do that in towns like this you can charge for valentine's day well i'll take you out where bowling we don't have it a movie there's only two we saw saw both. Hey, wait, there's a comedian. Do you remember the 80s? But this was the day after Valentine's in Douglas, where I've never known them to have any kind of event of any kind. When Hennigan and I went there, it was Monday night football, and the sports bar across the street was fucking closed. What bigger night could you have it's still closed now there's holes in the window so it's been closed it's permanently closed

anyway so uh so we decided to go and i i worked with mark skippy price in 1991 when i was a house mc in phoenix oh shit and uh he came into the comedy cove and he came in as a special event doing a door deal for the weekend four shows friday saturday he gets all the door except for the first 500 goes to the house for expenses he did not get the first 500 it was me and him sitting at teaser's titty bar across the street that's 28 years ago 20 yeah yeah 91 you do how was the show it was unbelievably good there was a question mark on the end of that good all right it's weird talking to sober sober stanhope because i'm not sure exactly what good means even anywhere anyway like your whole we expected a bloodbath it was not to be we expect we expected very lightly attended attended shitty circumstances aesthetically and terrible comedy uh the shitty circumstances

came in spades it's a mexican fucking dance club basically it's uh cilantro's and it's it's a box room it's a fucking nightclub They dance there. They have a DJ or a record player, and they dance there on Friday, Saturday. This was a Thursday. There's no stage. So you stand in front of a bunch of folding chairs, but then there's reserved high tables around the U-shaped perimeter where everyone got reserved tables. So there's nobody sitting in the folding chairs. So you're playing to the majority of the football field. You're playing to the football field is empty.

And yeah, you're playing to the stands. We walk in. Do you guys have food? And everyone looks at each other. It was $6 tickets. That's what we saw on the poster they go uh i gave them a 20 and they didn't give me change they go

ten dollar tickets they go yeah so i don't know if they fucked me and then fucked him or just that was an advanced price versus door price i don't care i was gonna him to keep the change anyway. The poor fucking guy had to play Douglas. So it's lightly attended. It's a 7 p.m. fucking start. And right now it's like 630. So they said, yeah, we have food. And they gave us a menu. There was chicken wings or Dora nachos.

They're Dorito nachos where they take a bag of Doritos, cut down the side of the bag, open it like an envelope, and pour cheese in it. Yeah, we used to do that as a kid. We used to do Frito pie where you'd open the bag of Fritos and put chili in there,

but I've never done Dor nachos before. So we had enough time to kill that we just went off and went to McDonald's and came back. That's so much better than door nachos. I, uh... By the way... Remember, I'm sober for this. If the McDonald's in Douglas is anything like the McDonald's in Nogales,

which is basically Mexico in the United States, they have a weird menu where you can get $2.12 value meals that you don't get in United States McDonald's. They have weird. They charged you $20? I saw you coming. Yeah, just grabbed the first thing I saw. Big Mac, thanks.

Bye. So we sat there from 7 o'clock, and then it's 7.30 before we even got a drink. And I go, hey, well, because at first I said, we're going to leave and go get some food and come back. Now I go, we're going to leave and try to find a place with a bar for a drink and then come back they go he hadn't gotten fucking served i was getting i'm sober so i was gonna have two beers during the course of a show i want the first one fucking now right away so uh so the show started eventually at eight and the opening act, Laurie Brownstone, she's from Sierra Vista. She killed.

Really? At one point she had a. Yeah. She killed where you go. Oh, I'm so used to my audiences. Well, you forget, like, these were triple gig old days bar room audiences who'd never get comedy or anything. So she's blowing the place up.

And I'm like, fuck, these jokes are working. Relative to the audience. I live in New York. It's cold there. It's still snowing. The winters are brutal. It's horrible. I'm frozen.

On the outside of Super Sun, I see my nipples in 25 years. Round of applause. And not only was it a round of applause and not only was it a round of applause she was so used to getting a round of applause there that she had a follow-up joke thanks for the clap i got that once too like this like her audiences are all to be fair i've seen comedy down here at the gay 90s which is worse than what you're describing because there are no high top tables it's all just folding chairs in the middle of the one of them yeah um and a lot of times as an audience member we're clapping because we're hoping to get some more entertainment to come back.

I'm just supporting you. I don't know. That wasn't great, but I'm supportive. I told Bingo purposely I am not going to do that. Where we like shill applause. Yeah. That time where we had to move everywhere. Everyone get in the middle.

Come on. You want to be up front. Fortunately, Lori knew enough to do that by herself. Hey moved to the front it'll be a better show we moved just behind the the stage lights so she couldn't see us because she did a lot of crowd work and i didn't want to be part of that but i didn't want to clap and chill stuff i want to see this liver die on its own and it fucking lived lived like the abortion that I tried to abort you and you crawled back out of the sewer. Well, I'm sure Lori appreciates the compliment.

She destroyed. All right. I had a hard time because she did the smacking her lips after punchlines. And so that's the first time I saw my nipples in 25 years. She'd do that smack sound of, or do the tongue in the side of her mouth, you know, the blowjob thing? Oh.

Pushing her, like you're doing the blowjob thing oh pushing it like you're you know doing the blowjob motion I'd clap for that you know she'd cross her arms and like like I'm a thinker right now like hey you gotta think about that joke or yeah you fucking if you knew how I

hate fucking mouth sounds and mouths in general as a whole I want to smash. Anyway, she killed. She fucking she commanded the room. At one point, she started into this is fucking my joke.

She goes, you know, the average cost to raise a kid throughout into adulthood is $763,000. First of all, it's $237,000 the way I did the bit that I think you're about to do. And then she goes, that's about the cost of a Lamborghini. Okay, I think I used Lamborghini specifically in my bit. And that's where it took a deviant course. Back to where it would work in Douglas. So she didn't. But I go, uh. Did it make you feel lesser that she had nailed on your premise?

feel lesser that she had nailed on your premise I'm not I'm saying she's a different style of I if I tried to do that same room if they brought me up to do an extended guest set I would have fucking died miserably there's no way I could

have done anywhere close to I could have barely stayed alive where they both fucking killed uh let's wrap this i'll get back to this we'll get back to skippy but uh let's do we have one more break have you ever been arrested for driving while intoxicated what you gonna do? Then Kevin Brown is the lawyer for you. Hey, what am I doing over there? You come pulling me over for what? I'm gonna call my attorney.

Once he name again. If you've ever been inebriated, then Kevin Brown will take your case. Come to Kevin Brown. He'll get you off. Kevin Brown is take your case. Come to Kevin Brown. He'll get you off. Kevin Brown, you motherfucking... I'll call my attorney. You gonna tase me? I'll tase you, motherfucker.

Kevin Brown. He'll tase you with the law Alright, quickly let's bang out some thank yous of shit that I found when I was trying to clean up Someone sent us a Keebo, I don't know who It's a one-handed bottle opener and it works and tracy will love it when she's doing what she's meant to do serving her men drinks chris robinson i've had a few people either mail or email mostly uh reviews when i said uh hey if you leave a review for my book, thank you, and we'll find our favorite one and Chad will read it. Well, a lot of people actually sent them to me.

No, you're supposed to put them on Amazon or anywhere on the Internet where you review books. I wasn't asking you to give me a review. Those people are fucking stupid. So thank you, Chris Robinson sent you one. Oh, sorry about that. No, that's what I'm saying. Other people are fucking stupid so thank you chris robinson oh sorry sorry about it no that's what i'm saying other people are fucking stupid here's a review you wanted i didn't want it you're supposed to put it online someone said that i don't know i might have said this a million times but somehow this fucking turquoise purse is still here someone sent bingo a turquoise purse is still here. Someone sent Bingo a turquoise purse.

And so thank you. I don't know if I've said it before. There's no fucking letter near it. Thanks for that. And Gump, can you immediately take that turquoise purse to the thrift store as I'm doing the rest of the thank yous? Okay. Someone sent me Foucault. It's a prison book. It's famous.

I tried to read it once a long time ago, but it's the fucking 1800s. Thank you. Lena Galeara. She said other shit, too, and she misspells her name. That should be with an I and not a Y. I don't like it. Stevie Ray. Stevie Ray is kind of legendarily known around the Twin Cities area for doing comedy classes and he heard that i have a big beef about

comedy classes and sent a two-page letter telling me why i'm wrong and he's right but very polite from what i skimmed i didn't read the whole thing as long as he sent it with his book what we laugh at and why well you know if you really study what you laugh at and why it becomes unfunny stevie that's the first thing i've don't ever try to well why is that humor you start fucking going down smart fuck highway if i knew exactly why what i said was funny i'd figure out why it wasn't funny because that's what i do i turn it inside out and then I wouldn't be funny anymore because I know why I'm not. Overanalyzing shit is why I've failed

in every area in my life. Right. You think about it, you figure it out. Once you figure it out, well, then it's not a magic trick anymore. But I appreciate your tone. I'll read that only to fucking trash it on the podcast. Can I please read some of the back of the other book?

No, this one right there. This is the one. I know. I'm saving that one for last. Okay, that's good. I just want to read some of the back of it. Okay, we'll save that one for last. Or the whole fucking back of it.

Tyler sent my book back to me with a letter explaining how he bought it for his girlfriend who's a fan of mine for christmas even though he knew the relationship was dying and on its way out and he says uh he gave it to her uh well it went south and the last gift she'll ever get from me is the UTI I gave her after getting drunk and putting it in her ass without her permission. Loved the book, but it reminds me of her, so sell it again for sock money. Love you guys. You're number one fan, Tyler. Yes, he bought my book.

That book's never been opened, I can tell by looking at it. Yep, sent it back. So we should put a premium on Tyler's book. Include his letter. I think that's mostly it. Well, let's forget about the... No, no. Yeah, I'm saying going into my favorite. Thank you.

This came anonymously I think with some other weird shit, but it's a book, a pamphlet, self-published obviously how many pages is that i want to read the whole thing it's 33 pages oh oh can we do a podcast where i just read this book what if we what if we sold that what if we we do the pop-off presents tact and had Chad put that out as a downloadable book?

It's 33 pages. Tony Jones Tucker would sue me. Tony Jones Tucker is a gal. She has kind of a picture on the front cover. Looks more like a Photoshopped-y kind of a picture on the front cover. Looks more like a photoshopped-y kind of... You first read the title. Alright. If the title doesn't tell you...

I first saw this just sitting on the bar earlier. My first thing that I said was, why can't I find titles like this when I'm looking for books to narrate? It says, Life got in the way. My babies was taken from me was taken that's the exact title nobody stepped in to say listen tony i i laughed so hard at the title that i was not prepared for what would happen when i flipped it over and read the back. My name is Tony Jones Tucker.

I was born August 5th 1965 in Little Rock, Arkansas. Okay, this is for her bio. Someone said well, just for the bio, you tell a little bit about yourself. I am left-handed.

I live in Lancaster, Texas. left-handed. I live in Lancaster, Texas. My mother's name is Patsy Moore and my father's name is Odell Jones. He passed when I was four years old. I am the baby girl and only girl of three brothers, which

I would totally rewrite if we were written. I am five feet, two inches tall. I wear glasses for reading and driving. I come from a very poor family, and my mother raised three... Is this a Tinder profile?

As soon as I got that far the first time I read it, I started trying to channel Miss Pat to read it. Miss Pat would look at us. The looker house. The looker house. Man, this girl been to the looker house too many times. She's dizzy from the spirits.

I'm left-handed. I have my foot, too. That's your file. Eddie Baloney. Where my baby's at. There's more, but I'm not reading more because I can't. Thank you. Whoever sent this, that can't go to the thrift store.

I've tried to put that in the thrift store pile, but it compels me. I'm reading the whole thing. Go grab it. Just find a short paragraph in the middle, somewhere around 15. Wait a minute. I opened the introduction, and I already want to read it. Hold on. Randomly, randomly.

Chapter 4. Let's see what it says. Chapter 4. The Reunion. It is now 32 years later. God has blessed me with the money i needed and i was financially able to hire a private investigator agency to find my babies for me i feel like i should poorly read i didn't even have to give them much information i just gave them their names, birthdays, place of birth, and the hospital they were born in and my maiden name.

This was February 2016. And oh my God, on April 6, 2016, the private investigator contacted me and he said, Mrs. Tucker. That's the end of the paragraph. Period. Even the intro to it is there. It's like these graphic, it starts a sentence and then the sentence ends a different way. Oh, I added in all the grammatical parts of that. That was fucking brilliant.

It's brilliant. I don't know where else I was going with... Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we saw Mark Skippy Price. He did not remember, obviously, the 1991 gig. But he knew who you were. The fucking crowd loved it.

He did a great show. It was a lot of fun. We were going to leave early. We sold merch for him. We sold merch for him. we were going to leave early. We sold merch for him. We sold merch for him. Afterwards, he had some T-shirts with a picture on it,

like the iron-on shit from a 1981 state fair where they iron it on. My kids gave me that kind of shirt for Father's Day once when they were little, like a portrait of them ironed on a T-shirt. Which was perfect, but it was him and mallory justine bateman and bingo's like because he said i'm selling these to uh benefit michael j fox foundation and then he just came off the non-stage and walked over and he's like trying to pose for pictures and and i walked around and i told the lori brownstone i go we can do merch for him so we can take pictures and she goes well you'd have to ask him like i don't know i go hey uh mark i'm doug stand up i'm a comedian we can do the merch for you because he's doing he's like

holy shit i just went through bisbee and i said i heard you lived here and someone should call you i can't like go fucking talk to them. We'll do the merch. How much? He goes, just a donation. And so he was doing it all for the Michael J. Fox thing. Yeah.

Fucking nice guy. Fucking Stugler. So wasn't a lot of buyers, a lot of picture takers. Michael J. Fox is shaking even more after that show. Trout? Barrel? Anyone? Okay. That's all I had.

Anyway, it was very cool to hang out, but I was sober and I had nothing to say much less to Mark Price after hey, remember that? No? Okay. Gotta go. But it was very cool and yeah, Douglas ate it up and bingo got a t-shirt of Just very cool. And yeah, Douglas ate it up. And bingo, got a t-shirt, Justine Bateman, my girlfriend on it.

Yeah. She was wearing turquoise. I love this. I was going to tell you, my cousin who's here visiting me, he listens to the podcast and he told me that we need to do more police beat. So I just wanted to throw in that two cents. I get a lot of messages saying that.

Yeah, yeah. You should have one around. Got one. Don't know if it's marked. Take a look at that. That's all right. We can mark it as we go. Unless you have a marked one.

That one's marked. All right, that's good. All right, we'll close up with a police beat. This is for Cousin. It's Uncle Ron and Cousin... Ryan. Ryan. He's almost as ugly as I am.

Chad Shank. One for the family. Police beat. An invisible intruder was reported hiding under clothes in the caller's bedroom on Santa Cruz Drive. Ryan, you ever meet that invisible person after a few nights of no sleep? A big yellow dog was unwanted on the caller's porch on Old Douglas Road. I don't know if it was their dog or just maybe it was their dog and they just didn't want it anymore or if it was the neighbor's dog. I think that this is a bleeding heart town enough so that you could call the police just because it was unwanted they're

hoping for an adoption when it hits the police feet i got you nobody like poor dog what call them up right now there's no phone number honey stop helping a woman in the gulch was hitting metal objects, crying and screaming. Performance art. Buskers. Everyone's a musician nowadays. Everyone's an artist. Fireworks were annoying a Bisbee caller.

That's it? Well, it's January 1st, I guess. I was like, what was her firework? I think I've done that, where I've called the cops in L.A. for, like, 4th of July fireworks. Like, I'm trying to fucking sleep. I don't care.

It's not my 4th of July. If I do this, hey, it's my birthday, March 25th. Can I set the same shit off? Doesn't get you anymore. In McNeil, a female struck a cow. The cow died, but the driver was fine. Lucky cow. You know what?

They didn't point out the sex of the driver for no reason. Why didn't they point out the sex of the cow? If a Frenchman hit a cow, they'd say an Asian hit a cow. They wouldn't say a woman, an Asian. Yeah, don't give them licenses. A knocko caller advised she heard something land on her roof and just roll off. Knocko. I was thinking that's not in Old Bisbee where the houses are on the hill above each other.

Because it could be your neighbor in Old Bisbee. Hit your roof and roll off. A knocko highway or knocko road? Just says a knocko caller. Oh. Something land on her roof. Oh, what if they were catapulting weed over the border fence? Like a t-shirt gun.

Yeah. You know, at a concert. Yeah, that's probably it. Next time she should call me, I'll pick it up. Yeah, I was going to say, that's like the erection that lasts four hours or longer joke. What's your problem? Yeah, who are you going to call? The Cubs?

Go, go, go, go, go, go. hours or longer joke yeah are you gonna call the cubs go a 74 year old man has dementia and lives alone in hereford his daughter was worried about him now you yeah now you should be worried about him more because everyone knows he's a fucking easy mark that's why they stopped giving street names they that was a big thing they stopped putting street names in the police beat for i guess that might be one of the reasons a verbal domestic dispute was reported from double adobe according to the caller a female came home from work and quote went crazy and quote, went crazy.

Sounds pretty average. We have a very fucking busy police department here. Go ahead, Chad. What else do you got from the mad, mad world of police beat? I'm done with this. I need a cigarette. A Palominas caller advised she had to shoot a skunk after it killed one of her chickens. The offender was now in

a trash bag nice wouldn't you just put it in the fucking trash why are you gonna call the cops and yeah well that's how it goes see the fucking skunk kills your chicken now you kill the skunk now the skunk's gonna have a fucking javelina attack you and then you get a fucking pack of coyotes on a javelina it's a perpetual cycle of violence i get what you're saying trump's america oh i almost read the same one again oh we're done that was the last one that's it that's it that's a police beat for cousin ryan and uncle ron for all of us here at the Doug Stano podcast, Doug Stano, day 10, without a cigarette,

sober-ish, Chad Shank, Joby with the death pool, and all of our staff here, our interns, everyone taking up the cheap seats, thank you. Until next time on What What Don't Tell Me.

Hey, play something we don't have the rights to fuck them look at the stars look how they shine for you and all the things you do because they are all yellow. I wrote a song. I wrote a song for you. And all the things we do. Cause they are all yellow. Urine.

Urine is beautiful Your end is something beautiful For you, for you I'd paint myself dry For you I'd paint myself dry