The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #246: Little Pink Houses

Episode Date: February 28, 2018

Doug welcomes the Beckers to Bisbee with a little house warming gift, details from Doug and Bingo's last minute trip and a Celebrity Death Pool update by Chad and Jobi. Jobi is still filling in for Chaille. Recorded Feb 25th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Mat Becker (@houdini357), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), & Jobi (@StanhopesCDP). Produced by Jobi. Edited by Chaille (@gregchaille).Popov Vodka Presents available for download on Amazon - [http://amzn.to/2t237PU](http://amzn.to/2t237PU)Order a SIGNED copy of Doug's NEW book, "This Is Not Fame: A "From What I Re-Memoir"" at - [www.dougstanhope.com/store/this-is-not-fame-signed](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/this-is-not-fame-signed)[](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/?category=Books)Closing song “VodkaSodaBurg”, by Birdcloud. Available on iTunes. LINKS:Chad Shank Voice Over info at [www.AudioShank.com](http://www.AudioShank.com)Support the Innocence Project - [www.innocenceproject.org/](http://www.innocenceproject.org/)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast i'm never in the mood when i start so just start go yes we've started this is it yes joe be still in the chaley seat chad shank is here and looking high as fuck i'm high as fuck those eyes are yeah they're fucking brutal and matt becker's here hey our new neighbor yeah it's official the gag that took seven weeks to pay off at least i think it was becker bought a house when did you buy that house? two years ago no shit? wow alright so

they're down blocked down from the Chaley's down on Black Knob you Black Knob I thought we weren't doing that anymore yeah I know I kind of liked it

so I guess it was around Christmas drunk as fuck out on the patio and So I guess it was around Christmas. Drunk as fuck out on the patio. And I don't know whose idea it was. Shawnee's, I guess. Well, Shawnee found the color. We decided we had to paint the Becker's house. And then Shawnee found the the right template pink camouflage

yep it sounds just like it sounds yes pink white and gray camouflage painted the painted the house like that was I think it was before New Year's I think it was painted we came up oh yeah that's perfect

do it and the next day he had fucking tarps down and uh becker i thought becker was coming in january becker just showed up this week finally he's moved down from alaska you're a permanent yep now i'm a resident and uh yeah it was a pretty impressive because i drove we've you it's you know it was a what it was a brown brown stucco yeah that's a big tree in the front oldest oldest tree in bisbee and uh is that how they sold you no i mean no it is we're making a plaque and uh and uh so i drive by but we there we becky and i both joked about a couple times we drove by our own house and then both joked about it a couple times.

We drove by our own house. And then we go, oh, shit, we're back there. But this time I'm driving by and the gump's out there hanging Christmas lights because he was giving bad information that was coming the next day. So he's on the porch standing there when I drive by. And my mouth literally dropped open. I went, that looks like our house, but it's camouflaged. We've been attacked.

We're already bored with the joke. It's been so long waiting for the payoff. Fake camouflage house. We had a red ribbon on it forever. The wind blew it apart. We had to get a new one. Tell new people the joke all the time just so you can get reaction out of somebody. No, I know.

Now the neighbors are used to it. They go, oh, the camouflage house? Yeah, I know about that. They're like, so are you going to paint it? I go, the joke's not over yet. Well, they only painted the front. Because we knew either they're going to keep it and want the whole house pink camouflage

or they want it changed altogether. But Becky, the Mrs. Becker,cky becker she doesn't get here till tomorrow so uh she doesn't know about it this podcast will not go out until after she's uh she's gonna be uh floored i think i think she'll be uh so you think she's gonna keep it and want to want to keep the color you know what they here's the deal is that the joke is is and i was telling this to a neighbor that said you are gonna paint it though right i said yeah no maybe but uh yeah they're very concerned about us not getting the joke going hey we got a house painted that's something ain't it i'm colorblind i don't actually see color so i don't have problems

you mexicans living next to me yeah but uh no so i sat there and i tell her if i go look how good a detail they did i mean they really did an amazing job on painting because the pattern's all you know right and it's just the colors that might query on the whole thing that's about it but other than that the windows all the along all the trim of the windows is perfect the trim like i was cleaning the windows and i went they painted right that part that you never get the taint of the window it's painted white right all the way down brand new i'm like fuck i don't know if i want to paint this i can't do that good a job that's great becker's arrival spells nothing but trouble for for us here at the uh at the fun house yep i uh revenge is gonna be sweet we realized that yeah because we went to bingo and i went to hawaii for a few days just when you're coming in

and chaley's gone i go you realize that we we did this becker's showing up with both of our houses unattended i know i thought it was the most vulnerable you could be. I assume you've already done something that I just didn't notice. No, no, no. Not yet. I could have a pink camouflage house and come in and out of it several times and not even notice. Just looking at my shoes with my bad posture. That was kind of what I figured.

So the plan is just something a little subtler. But the beauty is, unlike most people, you put your schedule online. So I know exactly when I can and can't do things. Enjoy Tokyo! I have to say, now that Beck is here, one of my favorite parts about this whole joke was I knew that I would get to see something brilliant

that Becker gets to come up with next. He's got a lot of free time. Yeah, it's good. And it's something that nobody else will have ever thought of, because that's why I like a lot of Becker's stories, is because I've read a shitload of books, and that's not even something I've ever read about. Where the fuck did that come from?

No, he was just fucking right before we started. He just out of the blue goes, you know, the guy that invented graham crackers also had 17 other patents for... Masturbation devices. No, but I mean, I didn't go from graham crackers to masturbation devices. To prevent it.

To prevent it. He thought, yeah, masturbation was the root of all evil. I go, really? Like graham crackers? But we weren't talking about any of this. I know, but still, it's out there. But see, we are now any chance beck becky will not have a sense of humor about it you know like i said there's been a lot of stress on some stuff family stuff

but for her but uh i think she'll get it she'll get it she it only takes her to be in the wrong mood yeah the first time and then she'll carry it. If she doesn't find it funny, she'll never find it funny. We're picking up the new Subaru, so we'll figure it out whether she loves the car if she keeps driving or she hates the house. We'll figure it out.

She didn't stop. We're going to get into trouble. Yeah. All right, this is good. I can't wait to fill up the trench in Black Knob. Block off both sides and make a pool in it.

Oh, and the drainage. Yeah, the drainage thing. It's a perfect pool. They even got a ladder going down into it. They grow gutter pumpkins in there. They have those gourds. Yeah. I don't know about those. I don't know about those. We're going to come up with something. I don't know what we're going to come up with something I don't know what we're going to do but

nothing but it's just since he's been here I'm like oh we're going to get into trouble played poker last night move the holes on the golf course just go out there at night plug them move them I always hit par on this hole Move the holes on the golf course. Just go out there at night, plug them, move them. I always hit par on this hole.

That's weird. Or just take them out so there's no hole. There's no hole, yeah. Floyd it. All right, here's my Hawaii stories. Yeah, we booked just like last minute. We booked the Hawaiian Waikiki Hilton Hawaiian Village, which had really nice pictures online and its own lagoon and stuff. You go, wow, this is pricey, but it's worth it.

Let's do something really nice. And I don't know how they cleared fucking 800 fucking families and children off of the fucking premises to take those pictures of a nice beautiful empty lagoon and you show up and then it's 18 bucks to rent a fucking chaise lounge to sit on a crowded fucking beach screaming fucking children so we just fuck it we'll just go to the pool and every beach chair is like literally you couldn't put your fucking shoes between the two like wedged together you have to sit around and wait for two people to leave at the same time to sit together it sucked really fucking sucked crawling across each other excuse

me form like an elmer fudd cartoon and we were we were in a room a206 i gotta i remembered it so i can get on fucking yelp and expedia is right second floor right over the loading dock where the fucking meadow gold truck is belching fucking exhaust carriers parked back there so they starting at 5 a.m they're backing into the spot you can smell at that point i still hadn't smoked i was on two weeks and the fuck it's the loading dock so all the employees are out there smoking sitting on fucking turned over buckets smoking cigarettes and it's coming right into the fucking room taunting me it was yeah it was not worth the money i think if i raised a stink i'd get some money back on the deal but i'm just lazy so yeah so instead of uh well i had some horrible uh some kind of stomach virus ailments

fucking whatever it was i was belching farts i'm going oh this is just sulfur belches if it was like if i had a lighter if i was smoking cigarette, I'd be afraid it would be combustible. So I Google burps smell like, and I just put in belches, and the first thing that came up was smells like farts. I go, I guess this is a thing. No, it's not a thing. They're listening to your conversations.

This is what they're doing. We were talking about that. They do. There's no way. Beckett had one that was so off the wall. It was like, you gas powered cooler and it was like gas powered cooler yep oh you had the same thing yeah fucking gurgle belly like my stomach my i thought it was because i quit smoking i was drinking a gallon of water like you're supposed to a day and drinking all the you know just mostly liquid diet just shit loadsloads of liquid.

And I thought that's why my stomach was fucking sound like a coffee maker and just the most repulsive, foul fucking excrement. It's just stomach lining repairing itself. It's everything that I had were all the everything I found online. Yeah, I got that. Yeah, I got that. I got that. It's the toxins leaving your body. You keep going. I have some snake oil that'll fix that, right?

So what did the... Well, then I started puking. I wasn't really sick, but I was not. And I'm like, I'm gonna puke. I never puke. All I drink, and I'm vaguely sober. And I was just oh fuck i'm gonna and i was just retching and then the stink of the vomit puke it again like oh this is fucking terrible so the first day was just sewer shits and you were gonna complain about the hotel they were complaining

about you those people didn't even smoke. They were just trying to get their stink out of the cargo area. It was fucking awful. What's the room charge on that? Who's the real victim here? It wasn't that warm out. We no rent that room for two weeks.

Excuse me, sir. You think you could have smoked in there or something? Fuck! So we didn't, yeah was it was kind of cool fucking water was cold didn't go in the water so we said fucking let's go to the spa which i'm not really for but why not but so yeah we got massages and i got a pedicure and my feet are fucking grotesque so i it was like you know how you pre-clean your house for a maid like i can't put a i'm gonna housekeeping's coming in i i gotta clean up for this yeah so i had to do my own fucking toes just in a an attempt to make them somewhat palatable for some old japanese woman to start fucking scraping at him.

Oh, you did this, too. Jenny took me in, and the second time we went, I'm all self-conscious about it, too. And the lady goes, oh, did you bring me a five-hour energy drink this time? I was like, fuck, right on, man. I'm not going to hold back either. Let's do this. This is good. Fucking asshole.

I got recognized, too. This is good. Fucking asshole. I got recognized, too. Like, the kid, whenever we go to the men's locker room, the guy's like, oh, Doug Stanhope. Like, oh, man, my fucking toes are going to go viral. I'm going to talk about this shit. But, yeah, so, yeah, we did it up.

We fucking spent a lot of money. It was like three and a half hours. I got a facial. I got all sorts of stuff. Them rubbing your face is probably the one place i wasn't busy with other people did they mention your breath at all i work his feet you get the head a little worried and then uh yeah so we did pretty much nothing. One day, Arnold's Tiki Bar, beach bar, is the fucking greatest daydreaming place. And we finally, all right, let's go to Arnold's.

Just a wasted day getting hammered. Fucking Hennigan. Oh, you have, I have three interviews and they added two more. Like what time? Oh, the same time as last time which was scheduled i was supposed to do all this australia press and i sat around here for three hours waiting for phones to ring and they never rang and it was some fuck up he's like oh it's the

same time i go that's 5 30 that's good we can get shit faced and i'll do my stupid interviews oh no it's it's the same time arizona time so it's but i've already walked to fucking arnold's i just got a drink and now i get 20 minutes i gotta do fucking three hours worth of interviews so we had to leave so it's that sucked so yeah that was a shitty vacation but on the way home honolulu airport oh that was the thing i forgot. We're going through TSA and the guy takes your ticket, looks at you. He does the same thing. If you read the book Our Costa Rica Adventure,

TSA guy looks at Bingo and he goes Are you just tired? Are you okay? That's exactly what they said when it started that shitstorm in Costa Rica. She goes, I'm fine she didn't she wasn't even like dumbed up from her meds she's just fucking normal maybe vacant but i'm traveling she goes i'm fine he goes okay just checking on you and then we're standing there and i wait

i went back the guy's name was metzger you fucking see that cocksucker at the honolulu airport i go metzger well what's what's with that comment? What's with the, you look tired? I didn't mean any disrespect. I'm just, you know, I'm going to look like that in a couple hours. I go, you look like what? Like, all right, shut the fuck up. Get on the plane. Let's not start a big

fucking incident. You just had a pedicure. Makes a man feel virile. Look how shiny my fucking nails still are it's beautiful so uh yeah it was weird because i i went in we went this to the sky club and they changed it because i remember it used to be downstairs in like a little botanical garden so you could get away with smoking in the bushes literally and i go oh they moved it upstairs i go i haven't been here in a while it's nice to

see you and she goes oh it's nice to see you too and then she came over and found us when we're drinking she goes it has been a while mr stanhope it's uh since you've been here how are you and it's good to see you again i go yeah it's been uh she goes three years yeah you're right three years like did you look that up or something but she had a full-on conversation with me then i started feeling fucking swanky and we get on the plane where the last row of first class fucking pilot comes on comes up to me he goes mr stanhope and you know guy in uniform you're scared you expecting the, had a little bit to drink today, didn't you? Just a bit.

He's got epaulets. She looks tired. I've been warned about you and your tired old lady. But he said, Mr. Stanhope, diamond medallion, million miler. I said, yeah. He goes, thank you for your loyalty. I go, wow, the fucking captain came out to meet me. And I assume you're Amy Bingaman.

It's nice to have you on board. And how many miles do you have? I go, I think it's like 1.4 million now. He goes, well, congratulations. And thanks for. And I go, fuck it. This is cool as shit. And then he turns to the other aisle.

Mr. Gray. And he went up in every fucking person in first class i'm like god damn it i look cool as shit for a minute you were already writing this is fame no no that's that's so we land take a bunch of benadryl a lot cocktails. It's a six-hour flight. And we land in LA. We had a quick turnaround. Get right through the door off the plane onto the jetway, and there's a lady standing there with D. Stanhope.

She goes, Mr. Stanhope, again, I think I'm in trouble. Had a bit to drink. Some Benadryls, perhaps? Yes, ma'am. She goes goes uh listen you have a tight turnaround and you're in the next terminal so we have the porsche ready every airline has like the secret club i'm sure i've talked about it on the podcast uh they have the where there's no clear definition of why you get invited, but you get invited.

Delta's is 360. So I've been fucking lobbying. I don't know how I'm supposed to, but I'm lobbying to get 360. And when Hennigan told me about it, I didn't even know that this club existed. He found out about it. He goes, they pick you up in a Porsche and bring. And she goes, we have the Porsche waiting for you. They took us right down the fucking stairs.

The real life Porsche. Get this Porsche four door sedan. You're fucking kidding me. Am I 360? No, just. But this is what it would be like. You're a prospect. You're 120. You're headed. You're a prospect. You're 120.

You're headed that way. Depending on how cool you are on this ride, we're going to see. It was fun because I hammered, but thought enough to get a picture, and I tweeted it, and then completely forgot about it. Then we had to fly it to Salt Lake, and then to Tucson. It stayed overnight. And then yesterday, I'm then we had to fly to salt lake and then to tucson it stayed overnight and then yesterday i'm sitting here talking to jonathan and jonathan goes that porsche uh was it able to go really fast on the tarmac what the fuck are you talking about on your flight

i go oh fuck the porsche i forget about the porsche i completely spaced i like it was like having it happen all over again yeah Yeah, they fucking picked us up in a Porsche. Wicked good. And I take that as a... Yeah, hashtag Delta. Yeah, 360. And Delta got rid of their NRA sponsorship,

which I thought was weird because it's the one why would they... Why would an airline sponsor guns? I mean, you can't even do product placement. It's a felony. You know, I buy, you can't even do product placement. It's a felony. You know, I buy a lot of vintage Delta shit, tie clips and all that. But one of the things you can buy is vintage Delta box cutters. I really want to bring that on a plane.

I got this. See, that's when you're in the 360. You get to drive the Porsche and shoot a gun. Yeah. Quick turnaround. So that was our Hawaiian vacation. I thought it was just a long commercial for Benadryl. Benadryl, that's the one i'm gonna risk taking to asia so i'm not taking xanax i don't think benadryl is gonna be just gonna get costco and they said

even some over-the-counter shit like sleep aids in some of those countries i could actually get uh what do you call it what is the uh the cells cells for our chihuahua in the philippines if i would have flown cereal over there they would have actually treated them with uh whatever it is a cell treatment oh yeah stem cells stem cells they would have treated my dog for stem cells for 15 grand and he would have been okay but i didn't read about it until later but the philippines has stem cells they would have ate them for your pets no't read about it until later. But the Philippines has stem cells for your pets. No, I mean, what? Fatten them up for Thanksgiving.

You got to keep them going until the holiday. You got to read between the lines on some of these offers. You flew your dogs down. Yeah, down here. But not in the – you had to put them in the cargo. Well, I could have taken them in the cabin. But then you have to buy a seat next to you to stick the other one in. Yeah, you had two. And you buy yourself. So, yeah, just put them in the cabin, but then you have to buy a seat next to you to stick the other one in. Yeah, you get two

and you buy yourself. So yeah, just put them in cargo. But the thing was, they would do that. So I can't imagine they wouldn't let you take Benadryl in if you can take your pet there and get stem cell treatment. I ain't taking chances. You're going to have people palming

you over-the-counter drugs after your show on this tour and i'm taking them all so did they drug your dogs no they i mean they had the option of doing it but i said i didn't care because i wouldn't hear it fucking carrier yeah so i get there because i call them and because it says you have to call them before you take you just show up in a plane you have to get room in the plane so i so i call cargo which is on their fucking alaska airlines website so i get the cargo guy goes carl and cargo you go yeah carl i'm calling the book i got two chihuahuas i'm bringing and he goes ah that's not true cargo you don't call cargo i go your website said god damn it and he goes yeah they're

dogs are like passengers cargo's cargo and i go i get it so i'm being nice to him because i don't want to piss him off and he goes i'll transfer to evelyn or whatever okay so he transferred hey jerry and cargo you evelyn she'll help you out with your dogs. I go, okay, thanks. Okay, yeah, sorry about that. No problem. What do you have? I go, I have two chihuahuas. They both weigh about six, seven pounds each. They both go in one container, right?

She goes, yeah, absolutely. Just what size is the container? I have to put that in. And I go, I don't know. I don't have it yet. What size for two dogs, you know, two small dogs? Same breed. Oh, yeah, that's not a problem at all.

Okay, so, yeah, you just get a 20 by 17 or whatever. So I don't know. So I go to pet, pet Mart, get a 20 by 17. That's what she tells me. I wrote it all down on the thing. I have the name of the cargo guy. I get to the fucking desk where I'm bringing the dogs in, had to get the health certificate, bring them in at the gate. She goes, Oh yeah, you can't have two dogs in one container. Okay, well, it says right here, two of the same breed can be in the same container, as long as they can both adequately stand separately. I was like, it's right there. She goes, oh, that's for in the cabin.

I go, really? A 20 by 17 foot cargo container goes under the seat? That doesn't even fucking make sense. So we're sitting there back and forth, and my ride already left it's one in the morning i'm in the airport and anchorage and i go well i i'm fucking taking my dogs i don't know what to tell you well uh and then she hymns and haws because she doesn't want to break the news to me she goes well we sell cargo containers i go oh well i didn't know i was at a Best Buy all of a sudden I go yeah well how much are they $45

I go well I don't fucking have a choice alright yeah I'll do it so she fucking rings me up for that and oh and I hate to tell you but because it's two cargo containers it's $100 for each one I go wait so it was $100 now it's $200 and $45 because you sold

and then we fucking just go round and round finally she goes I'll take I'll just charge you $100. Now it's $200 and $45 because you sold. And then we fucking just go round and round. Finally, she goes, I'll take, I'll just charge you $100. I go, thanks. Like you promised. And then at the very end, I look at her and I go, what's your return policy on the cargo container? And she goes, what? I go, the return policy. And she goes, I never had anybody ask me that.

I go, because I'm returning it in Tucson. And she goes, I don't know how that works. I go, well, you're about to, because you didn't say there was no return policy. What's your name again? Okay. So we got him down. You've got to remember, this is Becker. If you read my first book, Becker, who we'd go out and get VHS cameras on the road when

we're first starting out in comedy to get tape of our sets. And he'd go anywhere that had a 30-day return policy and on day 29 bring it back after we used it no questions asked no no what's the reason you're returning it no your sign says returns no questions asked no you're asking me questions that's a question that's illegal don't buy here don't buy here people run't buy here. People run. Throw in a fit. Sir, don't look at that TV. Because you see that big sign there? It's a lie.

It's a bait and switch. It's a bait and switch. You're about to meet the guy at Pet Mart. He's going to take a dog kennel back from Alaska. Did you return it? Not yet. I'm taking it back on the way to go get Becky. Becky comes in tomorrow.

It's a one-stop shopping. We're going to stop. This is our break time to sell you stuff. And next time, fly with me, and the pets will ride in a Porsche. Please hold. Hey, people, do you like porn? You porn. It's a new site where you can watch porn of every flavor and every fetish for how much, Joby?

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in YouPorn slash Stan Hope, it will be free! Free! Viruses do not apply. Poker Night. Joby missed. Poker night. Joby missed a poker night chat too. Yeah. Yeah.

It was good. It was a good poker night. Yeah, yeah. There's a Twizzler out in the urinal. Yeah. That's the only one that somebody didn't eat then. Yeah. At some point, I was trying to tidy up because this place was a fucking disaster this morning,

and I found the empty cranberry juice container that I filled half full of piss. Oh, that's right. I didn't want to miss a hand. He didn't want to miss a hand, so he did it under the table. But I forgot until Jonathan so kindly reminded me. I tried to piss through a Twizzler, and I ended up pissing all over the floor. Because they're not real Twizzlers. They're knockoffs.

But they say Twizzler on them. That's not a fucking authentic Twizzler. That's like a red vine. Either way. Because I tried to do coke with it and it just clumped up. The one I pissed through? Well, yeah.

Let's face it. You didn't get it. Let's face it. You didn't fit in it. Sometimes people tell you you missed poker night, and then you hear about it, and you say, I'm glad I missed poker night. I guess I got lucky. Good for me.

Yeah, I think it's only a matter of time before we're running this place as a fucking poker room with Becker here. Yeah, no, it was fun. And was like i said it was it was a good game it wasn't planned it was hey it was teddy get the thing yeah get the tape at one point we didn't even know if we had cards and i was like all right it's on and so yeah two two in the morning we were done i ran out of money yeah the dust is settled uh d Doug had two legal pads covered in debt How much did you win? 300 No shit Nice

Sean? He's got 160 I thought you guys were calling it a night I fell down You know what didn't dawn on me? What didn't dawn on me was that We were buying in at 20 with the chips were a value of 20 because i told johnny at one point i'm tired let's fucking call it we can just chop it even and go oh no you have more than i do and i go i don't care it's just like just call it then i realized well no we can actually add it up

because each one was valued at for 20 so then So then I went, oh, this is like real poker chips now. So I know exactly how much I have. So the last hand, I was like, you know, we decided that two, we quit. And 206, we looked up and went, fuck, it's 206 now. So, all right, let's call it. So the last hand, he had three eights and I had a flush, but it was one of those drunken ones where you can't see it. And he goes, I go, I bet 45 thinking he was going to fold.

And he goes, I'll call. And I go, what? And he goes, I have three eights. And I go, what do you have? And I go, flush. And he goes, where? I go, there, there, and there. And he goes, shit, I would have gone broke.

So that was our last hand. So I made 45 of it on that. Becker always starts out poker games doing all his fucking card tricks and then everyone's like alright don't let him deal yeah we mentioned that one time I think the last time we were over here I said I don't understand how you guys play cards

with Becker a guy can do shit where you're looking at him and fucking you can't see what happened how are you going to trust that to play poker and they said that there was actually rules in place at one time you can't see what happened. How are you going to trust that to play poker? And they said that there was actually rules in place at one time that Becker couldn't deal. No, I used to run a game for like probably I think about 10 years. We ran one on a Sunday because there were no games in town on Sundays

because whatever, that were good anyway. There were some games, but they were Asian games. Meaning Asians ran it. Oh, I thought you guys were playing Mahjong. No, that's what I was hoping to clear up. It was the organizers, not the game. Hate the player, not the game. So we ended up doing it, and I dealt with most of those,

and I won a lot too, and it was always a good thing. It was like on a resume you go yeah i can cheat in a second at cards but i never would because you know i'd rather win legally and fairly like shawnee didn't i didn't kenny didn't yeah mrs gump was dealing yeah she was dealing yeah she knew what the fuck she was doing it seemed not her first time around a poker game. No way. If Kenny lost, it sounds legit to me. Yeah. He chips up early.

I've watched him now two times since I've been down here so far. He chips up early in every game, and then he loses. How did he do at tennis? He did good at tennis. He did all right. They got to get new balls, though. Jesus Christ. Those balls.

They go, you're playing with used dog toys. I go, fucking slam it as hard as you can. It just makes the net goes down. I go, I was watching him and Gump play. And I was just heckling from the side. That's what I wanted to do there. I was like, you guys spend any more time in the net. If you guys like the nets that much, fucking get a job at a cafeteria.

They just constantly were hitting the ball back and forth and chasing it. And it was like, I don't know if they ever actually scored a point. I drove past, but... Becker and Kenny took the fucking Joby's tandem bike down to the courts. Things a death trap with a spass on the back. Right, right. He was fucking wiggling around like a carp and I'm like ah! We're going around corners. Cars

assume this is the problem with a town like this, a hippie town. Oh, they must know how to ride a tandem bike. No! We don't! We do know how to go down a hill like on Sports Illustrated. Yeah, that was good. So far it's been good. So Becky's gonna go back and forth for a while yep anchorage she's gonna commute to work from tucson to anchorage

so i don't see any problems with that no that they've done that for a long time the oil companies all do that that's oh do you know they're to let you know the connection between alaska and arizona you have nine branches of alaska usa credit union that's our bank nine branches in phoenix there's only seven in anchorage so you figure it out it's like nine branches here so i'm writing a local check for our car. Well, let's just fucking hit a dead end. Yeah. Wrap up this podcast. Now let's say.

What else? You want to talk Deadpool? Hey, how about Deadpool? How about that school shooting? There were no signs that was going to happen. Not one. 28 kids died of the flu last week, and only 17 died from shooting. I say we raise the flu to 21.

I've been waiting for a comedian to say something funny about guns for a long time. You know what? Everybody's turned into sanctimonious cunts. Only in America do they decide. What do the kids decide to do? We'll walk out. We're going to skip school. That's what the school shooters have all been school skippers. Stay in school.

You're making more shooters. Stay in school. You're making more shooters. Anyway, you wanted smaller class sizes, you got it. Remember, last time the teacher spent time with just your kid, he fucked it. Jesus Christ. Oh, God, ew. Welcome home, Becker. jesus christ oh god ew welcome home becker yeah yeah good to have you back yeah i was becker being here it makes me want to quit comedy and just start doing some fucking weird shit local i say we put up a toll booth. There's got to be money in that. There's only one road in and one road out.

We could still fucking... We've talked about it, filming specials here. Funhaus specials, just like, hey, plug, Pop-Off Vodka Presents, an evening with Doug Stanhope. Yeah, filmed right here in the fun house that's the number one comedy on amazon right now did you know that no i did yeah they're number one on amazon i don't know if you know this little company amazon but yeah not familiar google it can't afford google becker still has no fucking cell phone he lives fucking what 300 yards away i have to tweet

him he won't get a fucking cell phone i have to tweet him you want to go to breakfast and then i wait i check my responses this is nothing you could just yell i we have the bullhorn it might get old for the neighbors after a little bit. Before you quit smoking, I could just hear you cough when you were up. It's only a block away. The Gumps are here. Sorry, we forgot that we were going to come to your workplace. Gump, get a job at Metal Morphosis. Joby worked with Metal Morphosis.

I managed the production shop for a couple of years. Art shop? Yeah. Yeah, metal artwork. Yeah. Good shit. By the way, where's that fucking anchor? You have like an 800-pound anchor.

Yeah, I got to get shanks in for it, but I got to get someone else. It's going to take three or four guys to load this thing. We need a fucking one-block, Ben. You guys know any more guys? One-block. Hey, I got an idea. How about we... Any other guys?

How about we pre-gain the anchor by moving my stove out of the middle of my fucking yard, you douchebags? Oh, yeah. The stove for a half?

Yeah, it's in the middle of the yard. So Kenny and Gump here, I go, I got a hernia. I can't move heavy shit. So they both try it and they go,

oh, we can't do it. I go, well, somebody's got to move. Why is it the stove that we had in the house? It was on the porch because they moved it to paint. And now it's sitting in the middle of the yard. Oh, it was like a separate accidental prank. Yeah. That was actually a very funny prank.

We can paint the house. I can't move that stove. They moved it from inside the house out to paint the outside of the house? No, it was on the porch. Oh. Yeah, it was sitting on the porch. To paint the porch. So why did you have a stove on your porch?

Because it was in the house. It was a fireplace thing. So you had it removed, and then it was... Because we put flooring in, and they just moved it to there because it's so fucking heavy. All right. And then somebody managed to move it to the middle of the yard, and now the dogs don't understand what it is. Paint it copper. Some meth head will steal it.

Cold cut Kenny. He's got the power of ten men. I figured we'd just take it over the hill and shoot it. Yeah. Good target. Good ricochets. I figured we'd just take it over the hill and shoot it. Yeah. Oh, that would work. It's a good target. Good ricochets. I usually, when you go shooting and I go with you,

I usually sit in the car because I hear those fucking ricochets. Let's go shooting. That'll be fine. No, we'll go shooting. We'll do the thing. I'll put an apple on your head. That'll be fun. She's with me so she can practice for a thing. I'll put an apple on your head. It'll be fun. Seizure sister's talking off mic.

Where'd Bingo go? Where's your seizure sister? So yeah, I don't know what you're going to do here, but we'll come up with something. We have a lot of fucking projects. Just waiting for a motivating uh influence i still think making a tube from naco tacos straight into a food stand and i'll just have it like one of those bank tubes and whoop you order i call mexico they put the order in they shoot it to me i got fucking mexican prices for all my supplies no health certificate

i got a food truck with no food in it took becker to sierra vista for shopping it was it uh day after you got in yeah i think yeah and on the way back he had me convinced well yeah you're for your bread company we need we need to get drones we drones everywhere no but drones because he said the biggest obstacle with delivering the bread is all the fucking stairs in town. So these people buy a couple loaves of bread, which is good money. But a drone is a perfect thing to lift a loaf of bread and just set it. But you can program a drone for like their doorstep. So it'll go up, deliver it, fly back to your car, next house, fly up, drop it, boom.

Or advertise yourself as a weight loss company as well and just have fat people deliver your bread up the stairs no no no no weight loss by you have a loaf of bread and the drone stays right ahead of them and they're chasing it they're trying to get the bread already the ideas are coming into business plans i i can almost guarantee by the time I get back from Asia, Becker is going to have his first drone delivery of Joby's bread. No, it's recent. You played poker at Alex's? Yeah, Alex's.

That was amazing. 650 stairs? Yeah. Oh, it's unbelievable. And get this, and this is honest. They play only with quarters. Now, they play for a lot of money. Don't get me wrong.

So they only play with quarters. That's all you can play with. And I get up there because I brought a couple of rolls, and I just bought in more rolls from them. But if you win, you win in quarters. You're 300 feet above the parking area on all these cobblestone stairs. I go, I get a hernia or fall before I'd ever... I go, I just throw the

chains down there and go get it later. I was going to bring Canadian quarters so I could pick it up with magnets. Yeah, it is amazing. And they have... Apparently, every card in the deck is wild at their game i go this is bisbee bingo this is even poker they're like oh see you like massachusetts nine card yeah we're playing korean nine ball with the wild eight what the lazy eye yeah i don't get it but uh yeah that was a weird game and and it was fun, but it was very random.

Because to let you know, if you know poker and all, you'll know very rarely do you ever have to split a pot with two straight flushes six high. The fuck do you both have straight flushes six high? Oh, because the nine sixes and fours are wild. I go, oh, okay. Fold. That's why we never hear it's only fucking hold them none of your funny fucking games where you by the time you learn you lose you've lost every fucking penny you have yeah

oh i get it now i'm out yeah you don't you don't i don't know how to play poker i've never learned how to play poker or play it or that's i don't i don't like gambling in general because i get angry about retarded things. So if I lose money, I want to fucking lose my shit over it. I could see you getting pissed when a guy rolls over a shitty hand going, oh, sorry about your aces. He'd be like,

sorry about your head. I don't even know what that means, what you said, but I know it would make me angry. Yeah, no, I could see you as a very volatile poker player. You'd smash a lot of computers online. Know your limits. How you get along if you're like me. All right, well, let's...

Oh, I wanted to tell you guys, I have a funeral home in Death Pool, Bloody Shank, and I was leading it for a while with 89 points. But I got bumped out by Death Squad MUFC. That motherfucker. Yeah, he's great.

He's a really good player. Got 149 points in this league. Kicking ass. It's not even the end of February. This guy has his real name, but Christopher. I think it's the same Christopher. I got to also say thanks. The guy that made me the t-shirt and had the mugs

yeah that's great the other guy that emailed me my paypal said you got money I wasn't expecting money I didn't do anything I didn't do a job or anything then he sends me an email hey I saw online that you're working with on building a studio

I sent you 200 bucks to help you out with the fucking thing. I was like, he's like, thanks for being on the podcast. I'm like, fuck. Thanks,

man. That was amazing. So he told me, take a, buy some food and some booze and see if I can get somebody from Bisbee that can actually do things like that. Help me. So I sent him pictures of Joby building them.

Yeah. He's like, I got a guy on it. So, yeah, thanks, Christopher. But I think that's him in second place. So that's. Yeah, don't feel at all awkward about sending money to 212 Van Dyke Street, Isby, Arizona, care of the Stanhope podcast. It's always a nice thing yeah all right

oh last last chance to uh join up on damn yankees which is a super group uh league in in death pool for phone booth fighting and stanhope fans so uh that'll close down in you know a couple of days i'm gonna extend it out a couple of days but join. I'm anxious on that one because I told you I picked all musicians. For every pit I get, it's going to be a bonus. And they're all decent picks. I went deep one day. Do you have Alice Cooper? I don't think I do.

But I might now. I have a little bit of time still. What was that look, Becker? I mean, come on, man. I think I'd get an inside track on that one. Yeah. Yeah, I forgot about that. They're touring again, I guess.

All right. Coming up, but I haven't heard any scuttlebutt around the water cooler. That's how you win. Fair enough. I sent money to this. I'm reading this book. I'll fuck up his name it's uh gene gregoritz uh and he's this he'd sent me a couple books a few years ago and talked to me on facebook and he's a bukowski ish but almost a gg allen bukowski guy's a writer and is it fucking he's a hardcore and uh someone

sent me his new book it's called bigger and it's it's pretty fucking dark you'd really chad would either really enjoy it or it would make you crazy for the same reason you couldn't watch breaking bad but like he cut off his earlobe and ate it on video just to try to drum up some press for his fucking last book or something he said fuck but he's legit and uh his new book starts out he's in he's doing 10 years right now in florida for fucking a 17 year old girl so so i was watching that 60 days in it's a terrible show but i i i i watch it quite a bit god you're just fucking drumming up on the next episode and nothing ever happens but they sizzle they show some guy flexing like a fight's gonna happen but then when you watch the episode

all he did was flex and then it dissipated but i was watching that now you know they're always like trying to get fucking canteen money just to get a fucking pop tarts or some shit and i read where in the beginning of the book the he's in prison and you can fucking send him letters and stamps or whatever to here's his inmate number so i felt bad for i just sent the guy 200 bucks through one of those fucked up prison things you know how they fuck you like phone calls or yeah you get a call collect and it's like eight dollars a minute and fucks it was some pay service yeah you can send the money but we're gonna charge you like western union fees to do it so i sent the money just feel bad for the guy. And I didn't know that my fucking name was going to show up.

So now he's emailing me at 40 cents an email. Hey, thanks, man. I was hoping I'd get more money from the book, but no one's buying it. It's a tough sell in the fucking hashtag me too era when you're doing 10 years for fucking a 17 year old. But the book's really dark it's called bigger gregoritz g-r-e-g greg or it's like it's and who is this again he's just some weird guy who lives in lived in saint pete it was like a basically a kind of homeless sketchy fucking dude but a really good writer so I've been reading that while I was in Hawaii

that made it a lot darker I'll check that one out we're doing book reviews I'm reading one right now that somebody sent me on Twitter the other day and the title was The Blood Beneath My Feet and it had a really interesting caption underneath it I don't know like

have you ever spent this much time with death and seen this and this and this guy has and it had a really interesting caption underneath it i don't know like have you ever spent this much time with death and seen this and this this guy has and he's a uh from started in the 80s a medicalogical death investigator like an me kind of and and but would go into the field and investigate death and it's just got stories of the different sorts of shit he's encountered but a lot of it is uh delves into his psyche about... It almost seems like it's accidental as he's writing it. He's writing about all this dark shit, but he's accidentally writing about how it's affected him. It's pretty good so far.

I'm a little over halfway through with that one. God, that could be our first Chad Shank audiobook. This guy's kind of over a barrel. We could probably get the fucking rights to do his audiobook make some fucking coins i'll let you read it and see if you if it's something you'd like to do because it's your voice yeah if you say it's well written that's the hardest thing is i'm getting i've have like people who listen to the podcast who are authors and stuff have sent me and it's all been pretty decent so far so i have stuff that i have to read but like you try to look on acx most everything's self-published and it's all shitty and you're like i it makes me want to be an editor instead

like i think there's money in being an editor instead because i could fix all these books up but uh if you say it's written well, that sounds good. It's written well, but it's hinky. You'd have to put some thought into it. There's a lot of run-on, rambling, unpunctuated, diatribe shit. It's artistic. You go, all right, this guy just... Oh, I'm not to the artistic point yet.

I can't do that. I think once you got into the headspace that he's obviously in, he says it's a novel, and you go, you had to say that for legal reasons because every bit of this is fucking true, and you know it. You didn't think to send him Brooklyn sheets? Brooklyn sheets. All right.

That's a Wednesday for you. We're done with Death Pool. All good? Yeah, I think so. I think that's all the updates. Yeah, that's what I had. I'm still kicking ass in our home. Go to DSCDP.com.

Check out the new shirts. Oh, shit. The new shirt is fucking fantastic. Yes, please. It even looks good on me. And yeah, it doesn't say Celebrity Death Pool. It hints at it. It has the website.

But yeah, it's just a great logo. Perfect. Which is the key to selling a fucking good shirt. I never have them from myself. All right, Matt Becker. You'll hear a lot more of, uh,

maybe, uh, maybe you guys, uh, when I'm in Asia, you can do a Becker and Chad. Fuck. You know,

I'd love it. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. That'll work. Get Becky on here. Yeah. Perfect.

All right. That's a podcast. We'll see you soon. Well, I was sober and just walking around Williamburg. You know they ought to rename this place by Casoda Burg. Because I've been drinking with they homos and they say that they ain't homos but they look like one to me. I got twenty-five bucks to blow and my dress over. Yeah, that's five drinks, five by five and don't leave until.

That's five drinks of five by five and don't leave a tip. Yeah, that's ice and that's vodka and that's soda. No rhyme, don't put no bullshit. It's strong, I do. Just now starting to get it right and vodka's so to burn. Well, my brain is feeling sparkly Wow Oh

I still watch the pro-fret alcohol Everything is red to me now Well I met an old man and vodka's been to me now Well I met a local man And by a touch of a word He and myself described

Homeless romantic Him gonna buy me another drink Cause him retarded And go back to his fuckin' Had a mountain bush And I went home with some mulatto Oh yeah, he had some mighty cold snow And that's why they wrote a song about me

Oh no, I'm lucky to be alive I threw up and moseyed on back of vodka Stolen bird All the bartenders are all Hate my fucking guts I'm just trying to get my time to shine All them girls turning into bitches Spending $300 on a dress Just trying to get booked

And this is where I get it all Oh yeah, I'm probably never gonna stop And I can't, I said I'm never gonna stop No way, I said I'm never gonna stop, stop I was a sad sack of shit Walking around Williamsburg Just like all the residents That live in Williamsburg

I said, trying to take a little trip to Vibe, cause so to burn Can I please be anywhere else in the world except for here?