The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #247: I Don't Give A Gump

Episode Date: March 7, 2018

Doug welcomes the Gumps to Bisbee. Who are they and how did they end up in Bisbee?Recorded Jan 22nd, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Gump, & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by Brooklinen.com - Get $20 off AND free shipping when you use promo code STANHOPE at [Brooklinen.com](www.Brooklinen.com). Order a SIGNED copy of Doug's NEW book, "This Is Not Fame: A "From What I Re-Memoir"" at - www.dougstanhope.com/store/this-is-not-fame-signedClosing song “Ain't No Rest For the Wicked”, by Cage The Elephant and performed by UkuleleCheats on Yourtube.com - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRO3zGPV7Qg LINKS:Chad Shank Voice Over info at www.AudioShank.comSupport the Innocence Project - www.innocenceproject.org/Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast don't don't don't fucking fix it oh shit we didn't record any of that it was blinking it was blinking i was wondering about that yes but oh tracy are you serious oh no doug looked at it i can't see anything. From the top, everybody. Position one. How do you feel, Gump? Pretty good. All right.

Cogent. You can tell us. That's outside my vocabulary. I think I might be too drunk. You might have to carry this. But Gump has a good story. Gump has a good story. Gump! We've mentioned the Gumps

in earlier podcasts. Foreshadowing, I think is the word. The Gumps, it was Halloween. Chaley likes to do Halloween with the Mrsrs chaley they they make the uh haunted yard not the haunted house because you don't want them to be that intrusive everyone tries to go in

the house but tracy blocks them you set up a haunted yard yard it's a yard. The Butcher Black Knob. But let's plug Ghost Ride. Yes. You, Chaley, and your twin brother have this business that you do special effects for all the major haunted houses across the country.

International. So the Gumps, as we call them, show up during Halloween of this year of our Lord last year, back when people believed in the Lord. The Gumps show up in this pseudo-camper caravan, if you're UK people. It's an RV. It's under 35 feet. It's a smaller one.

You're just hanging out in front of your house. You think they're trick-or-treaters because the Gumps are 21 years old. They showed up a couple days before halloween and then on halloween there was so much heat downtown for rvs parking because the cops were for a little while they're there i told them to come out here this is how i remember it which i don't remember but i heard this i remember it but i don't remember? Yeah, I stayed in that night. The Gumps were there for your haunted yard. Yes.

And you met everyone. Yeah. This is Gump. We call him Gump because he's originally from Mississippi, just turned 21, and he talked. Go ahead. Tell me a sentence. Tell me one story from your life.

Don't hold the Mississippi thing against me, please. I don't really have any stories right now. I guess we can get into that. All right. He's not talking like Gump. No. He's trying to enunciate. Enunciate. All right. so the gumps show up they are living in a camper down there on black knob view

black knob view that never caught on sorry because the chaley said oh yeah you can park out here we'll run a cable to your i ran him a 110 line one no dumping of sewage we don't have any sewage they have no sewage he rides a bicycle to the corner store to take his shit and that's how the gumps are known in the warren area of bisbee by all the corner store people they love the gumps they're kids i used to talk about this when i was a young comic starting out everyone would oh you're a comedian you're making your way on the road uh here's a sack lunch and i go if you're 50 years old and you're still

living out of your car like i was when i was 23 get the fuck away from my kids you're creepy but but doug what were you doing when you were 21 doing what he did that's when you do what they're doing and everyone loves them in town gump has no skills his wife has skills as a titty dancer but there's no titty bar but that's why we're doing this podcast she can do everything you can do nothing I wouldn't be here right now if it wasn't for her

I would have been dead a long time ago enunciate actually just be louder get that guy a shot Gump gets really chatty when he drinks. Is Mrs. Gump coming with cigarettes? Oh, here, have a cigarette, son. Why don't you stay at the house?

Oh, okay. Gump, what do you want a shot? All right. It doesn't matter. Wow, that's 21 right there. What do you want a shot? It doesn't matter. Hey, give him the fucking hairy buffalo, Chase.

What is the hairy buffalo? Get a lighter. Hairy buffalo is everything. Light that guy's kid's cigarette. A hairy buffalo is you take the bar mat and you pour that into a shot glass. All right, Gump, we're getting. Hey, and this one's on me. We're going straight into it.

Okay. You are here with Mrs. gump you are freshly 21 mrs gump is 24 she's evidently a uh what do you she brought him into a life of crime what the worst crime he's like the pedophilia oh that's the worst crime no no how he he smuggled drugs we're gonna go straight into it the most honest crime he was a kid in colorado rural colorado let's not give away too many things. Rural Colorado. You met a girl and she introduced you. You're a kid.

Yeah. Well, not anymore. And now. Yeah, you're fucking still a kid. Okay. They're three years apart, Doug. Let's get to where you met a girl who introduced you to a girl. You had your eyes on a girl.

So I moved to rural Colorado. Small town. Smaller than this. From Mississippi, you went straight to Colorado? It doesn't matter. Don't worry. I pre-interviewed. I lived in Colorado for a little bit and then moved to a smaller town.

Good move. From Mississippi. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Two years in Colorado. Look at Doug. Don't look at me.

I'll throw you off track. Okay. And so there was this chick that worked at a gas station. Tattooed. Suicide girl. I like your taste. So I was just like, you know, we need to hang out at some point do something that will maybe lead to something else possibly as he buys 17 hot dogs a day he's pumping gas oh are you seeing anyone i just pump it on the ground. I didn't have a car at the time. But so shortly after, I found out she was a lesbian,

and she was in a relationship with Mrs. Gump. Former woman. Yes. The girl that you're with now, you met a girl that you thought was cute, and then you found out she was a lesbian in a relationship with the girl you're with now, Mrs. Gump. Yeah, so I was just like, well, nothing else is going to happen, but she'll sell me weed for pretty cheap, so at least I can have a hot drug dealer.

So that played out in my favor. So we all just sort of became friends over the course of time. played out in my favor. So we all just sort of became friends over the course of time. And I think maybe about a year after this happened. A year? Yeah. I know, he's 21

and he can't figure out two years. I'm trying to fit this in. Did you graduate high school? What year was that? The one year or the other year? So he graduated high school. So this is from 18, 18 and a half. you can't figure out or maybe 19 let him go because i could tell you the story no i don't want to hear from you i love hearing it from him because then i believe him where were we you have you met the girl at a gas station the lesbian you don't know she's a lesbian

but you have the hots for her this is how i remember it from weeks ago and the fact that i remember weeks ago is a good thing so the lesbian girlfriend shows up who is now Mrs. Gump at a bar where you're underage. And everyone hates her. Am I wrong? Hold on. You're jumping ahead, Doug. You're sort of right. But it wasn't a bar.

It was just a party. Okay. Because you had spent a year buying drugs from the gal. And so that's where I interrupted sorry go ahead so i got this chayla i know but you you you i shush you went too fast i want you to slow down gump all right let me fast forward gump meets a girl at a gas station you're pumping gas you go oh she's kind of cute i want to go and you meet up with her at a party turns out she's a lesbian that's when her lesbian lover who's now mrs gump shows up everyone hates her and you go oh i like her even better because everyone hates her

all right we should have just started with that that That's good. Boom. Now what happens? Well, first of all, Mrs. This ends up with Gump smuggling drugs. Stop it. Stop it. I'm talking to the listener who is bored with us. They want us to talk slower. I'm pretty sure. All right.

When he introduced a lesbian. I was teasing them. So she shows up to this party everyone hates her for just a bunch of reasons and I remember we were playing this weird game where you kill anybody in the room

like who would you leave alive or some shit like that and she picked me hang on you're playing Who would you leave alive or some shit like that? And she picked me. Hang on. And I was just like, oh. Hang on. You're playing if you could kill anyone in the room. Well, no. Because we have a big room full of people right now.

Doug, it's the opposite. You could leave someone alive in the room. Yeah. You'd kill everyone except one person. Everyone make a mental note at the end of the podcast. We pick. Go ahead. So after that, going back to what we were originally talking about,

her girlfriend was just selling me weed for about a year, and we were all just friends, hang out and shit. Then they broke up, and Mrs. Gump's ex-girlfriend approached me on the street one day and said I need someone a shoulder to cry on. You're that person. We're friends now. Like actual friends.

I was like, oh, okay. I guess. How did you hide your boner? Well, at this point. It's like Derek. he tapes it down go ahead well this mrs gump's ex-wife was quite the crazy person. No fucking kidding. No, like extra fucking crazy person. Okay. In layman's terms.

So we were friends for like three months, and then Mrs. Gump's ex wants me to move to Denver with her. And I'm just like, fuck that. I hate Denver. I would never live in Denver. Mississippi's where it's at. Anyways. Any sex with

the ex? No, just lots of free weed. Free weed. Just like a lot of free weed. Free weed. Oh, free weed. Oh, perfect. I would be company to go pick it up. That's better than

free sex, by the way. Most definitely. Gotta weigh your priorities. Anyways, so... Bag it. Said this guy who's living on the street. Weigh your priorities.

Go ahead. So, she says, move to denver with me help me sell weed she says move to denver and i came up with some bullshit excuse like i can't it's not you it's me i'm under a lot of stress at work exactly oh sorry Those are boner excuses. So she leaves, and I'm just like, well, I don't have a medical card at this point. She went to Denver. She's gone. I don't need you. From rural Colorado.

You're still in Colorado. But it's a three-hour commute. I don't have gas money, you said. Yeah. commute. I don't have gas money, you said. Yeah, so I needed essentially another pretty drug dealer

and I remembered Mrs. Gump. The ex. Her ex. The lesbian ex. Lesbian ex. So I started texting her and then she sold to me for a little while. Then we started hanging out and that came to us getting an apartment with uh some other guy

no sorry you don't have to say his name but i thought it was like a lot of people her dad who was the other guy so it's just three roommates i thought it was a bunch of roommates but it's just three of you in a house in rural colorado so he he was just some dude that would pick up you have to remember gump is only now 21 at this point he's 19 we all had these situations where was that guy doug you were gump in in Vegas when you were staying at that crack dealer's house. And before that there was whoever... What can you chip in?

You had cheap rent. Yeah. You just all slummed together like other countries do for real. This is so sweet. The way you stick up for him and everything. He's my boy. I'm seeing this. I'm seeing this now. This is a beautiful story. That's at the end. and everything. He's my boy. I'm seeing this now. I've adopted him.

This is a beautiful story. That's at the end. Go ahead. It's not biological. All right, so let's cut to, we'll save that for later. Let's cut to when you start smuggling drugs. The worst way ever. That wasn't the worst way.

Well, it was the shittiest way ever for us. Literally. So now you meet Mrs. Gump, the ex-lesbian Gump. And she's like, okay, you can fuck me, but we have to start smuggling drugs. I'm just cutting. I knew the people that would be willing to pay four times what you would ever pay for weed in your entire life. That would be willing to pay four times what you would ever pay for weed in your entire life. Why do you keep talking quieter the more I keep trying to bring you up?

I don't know. You're scaring me. Wait, when you say four, when you know the people that are going to pay four times as much, you mean you're in a college town? White kids? Yeah. Like polo, khaki shorts. Got it. Pop collar.

Yeah. Roger that. Hey, listener. What I'm going to do is I'm going to start telling Gump's story the way I remember it. Until he yells over me where I get it wrong. Because he can't just... Hear their voice. Tell him to be more like project.

You meet two more shots and he will automatically be louder. You get back to the lesbian lover, Mrs. Gump now. And you go, okay. And then you hook up and you're roommates. We lived together. We hooked up. We were sort of like a... Just kept it hid from everybody.

We started realizing, oh, well, we get shit for $100 an ounce, and there's people that would be willing to pay $400 an ounce. Wait, hang on. First of all, you hooked up with her knowing they were lesbian lovers, but you fucked her. Did she go, oh, oh, I can't believe I was ever with women. Oh, no, it was terrible. Yeah.

Explain. Wait, wait, for who? Explain. For who? When I said Mrs. Gump was a jack of all trades, I mean, she's... Except for heterosexual fucking? She failed miserablyably or did you no i failed miserably but she corrected me i guess over the course of time so she cut off your dick and made it a clip hey uh hang on no explain she corrected you explain we can cut out all the awkward pauses anything out go ahead that's okay

jonathan said this is like witnessing child abuse he's 21 now now so so how did you fail and how did she correct you this is very pertinent for the listener. Oh, as you can probably imagine. No, I don't want to. The 23-year-old lesbian had a little bit more on her sexual history list than what I ever did. So I think all that, like... How did she correct you?

She taught me how to eat pussy and how to use my dick right. She's a lesbian. How did she tell you how to use your dick right? She's not... We had heterosexual, lesbian, and then back to me, which I guess you could say is heterosexual. It's bisexual. No, specifically. me which i don't i guess you could say it's heterosexual it's bisexual no specifically how did she tell you oh like i'm like i don't know oh i don't fucking remember

you think we fuck sober look at me this isn't gum this isn't a time we used where you thought this isn't like calculus in high school, pre-calculus. This is a time I should pay attention. A girl is showing me what to do with my dick. Are we at 20 minutes? Yes. Because we have to drop a commercial at 20 minutes. You're going to have to, because we're not, we're still not anywhere.

This is a cliffhanger, if ever. Oh, no, we're still not at his fucking weakest attempts at hauling drugs. So we'll be right back after we have to drop some commercials. And don't worry, this gets fucking way better. All right. This morning I was having breakfast down at Morning's Cafe with my good friends Vicky and Rich Fulop, you know, from Brooklyn. Oh, the Fulops, yeah. Yeah, the Fulops. Yeah, they started Brooklyn and Sheets with a vision in 2014.

And we get to talking about the Sheets. I was fresh out of a pair, went down, well-rested. You spend a third of your life in bed, and I spend that third of my life on Brooklinen Sheets. So obviously, it's going to come up over the course of a vegetarian omelet. And I said, Vicki, Rich, what was your philosophy behind Brooklinen Sheets? And they said it was simple. Beautiful home essentials and no crazy

prices because becker one of our pet peeves is crazy prices when it comes to luxury sheets that's right they said what did you pay for your last set of sheets before brooklinen i said 666 dollars why that's crazy yeah some mark of the That's fucking insane. I start banging on the table. I spill maple syrup all over everything. I get fucking crazy about crazy prices. Simple prices. Not crazy. No unnecessary markups.

That's another part of their philosophy. All of their markups completely necessary. Not like other sheet companies. They jack you up as much as 300%. Vicky gets into a lather. Rich has to calm her down. Anyway, they picked up the tab. Oh, the FOOLOPs.

The FOOLOPs. That sounds like one of those acronyms from the military. I want to thank the FOOLOPs because uh it's become part of my comfort system now that I have I had a comfort blanket Jenny made me a blanket out of my old army uniforms I cut them up and she put them on top and then made a blanket out of it what would you say cut them up I assume that you're slashing at bad memories no no it was more of I was gonna throw them away and we didn't know what to do with them. It was a lot of good material, and she was sewing at the time,

so she made me a blanket out of it, which I now like and carry around. It's very comfortable. But for my next, she has more of the extra cloth, and for my next one, I'm going to specifically order some brook linen sheets to be sewn onto the blanket. The fun side. It's so fucking comfortable. I carry it around.

I have to carry around two blankets because my Brooklinen sheet is fucking more comfortable than my comfortable blanket. So my depression haze where I wander from the bed to the sofa. So Linus meets Private Pyle. That's going to go. This is a weird image. With the blanket of your old clothes. Listen, Brooklyn can sometimes save people from being murdered in ways that they don't even understand.

With just a little bit of comfort. They do tout their versatile color and patterns. They probably don't have slashed apart old military uniforms as a pattern, but maybe now they will. Maybe they'll have pink camouflage. The Becker pattern. Who knows? Goes with your house. This is luxury bedding underpriced.

You have to try these sheets. Hit some copy, Chad. I already said that I love my Brooklinen sheets. I love my Brooklinen sheets. I love my Brooklinen sheets. Brooklinen.com has an exclusive offer for Stan Hope podcast listeners. Get $20 off and free shipping when you use promo code Stan Hope at Brooklinen.com. Brooklinen is so confident that they offer a risk-free 60-night satisfaction guarantee.

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All right, while we're on break, last night, whatever night that was, we were having a party of sorts. whatever night that was, we were having a party of sorts. I'm going to bed early at 7.51 p.m. That's how early I go to bed when it's an all-day party. I get a text from Al of the Al and Al neighbors saying, don't want to bother you at this hour, but someone just hit my car.

Talk to Morgan Murphy, who's renting down the street, two doors down, saying, I heard a papoomf. Saw a black car. I won't give away your car. Yeah. Al of the not Alan Al, Alex O'M'mara fuck you i'll i'll out you because you will never every time i say please don't drive drunk you do i wasn't that drunk yeah you weren't i really just didn't notice that you hit my neighbor's fucking car i totally didn't know but you did after i called

you last night and i was like what the fuck is that about you left this weird message about yeah do you drive a certain car and i'm like what the fuck so then i tried to call you back and you were sleeping at nine no you called me back and i answered but it was already dead i answered it too late okay got. Got a message this morning. Hey, got a weird message from you last night. Some weird thing about my car. I go, hey, someone smashed into my neighbor's car and someone said it was you.

That's Morgan Murphy was the someone. I saw her. I remember seeing her. So, yeah. And she remembered seeing you right before you smashed into my neighbor's car and this morning you left me a message yeah

I get a message this morning you left me a weird message last night and I go someone said you smashed into and you go that's weird I don't remember smashing into a car which means I very well could have. Let me go check my car.

And there's a stripe of paint on it. I just got out of work. Your paint is gold and theirs is black. Yeah. It's like a team. Smash into your car. And I said, because the Al's and I, we went to pinos altos recently yes last suburban we had we went to pinos altos and we had our suburban yeah chaley smashed into a stump that was to be

fair pinos altos none of those fucking streets on their private property i understand it's property none of it is they're not streets it is basically a wide trail for people to walk to abreast that's what we're talking about chaley made the suburban width exactly barely barely yeah chaley made the decision he would drive drunk what's that like a quarter of a mile to the bar and no one lives there your honor we were driving back and i took a turn into that the same place we stayed last time and that turn even now looking i'm like that is just too sharp of a they have a small stump that tells you just like an embunkment at a walmart they have a small stump because they want to make it like nature-ish you smashed into the

fucking stump wasn't a stump that sat on the on top of the ground this was a tree they cut off that was not going to yield one bit point Point being. There's a big difference there. If a pylon is there, but it's actually cemented to the ground below it, that's not like a pylon. You can't see it from the height of a Suburban. So you bumped into that, smashed in the middle of the bumper.

It's a dent. Left quarter panel. It's a dent. So quarter panel. It's a dent. So we woke up. Bingo. We all know bingos. Kind of not with it all the time. So in the morning, when I saw the dent, Jaylee

went, ah, fuck. I thought I... So we blame Bingo. When she woke up, I go, Bingo, you drove drunk and smashed and she's like, I go, Bingo, you drove drunk and smashed. She's like, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it. So we let her believe that as long as it was funny,

which is still funny years later. I didn't? No, Bingo. No, it's funny to make you believe you did it. I'm kidding, you dumbass. I have to tell you, I bought three different sizes of plungers to try and suck out that bumper. It's fiberglass or whatever the fucking composite is.

So this morning, after last night, I get a text from Al. The dude, Al, says, hey, I don't want to bother you, but someone hit my car and then i had already heard from morgan murphy that we i think it was alex because he was right behind me and he's gonna i go i don't know what he drives i don't look at people's cars i'm down low here and uh then this morning we did a lot of research and yeah he drives the same car that she said probably hit the car and i texted alex who's like i don't remember hitting a car like if you didn't hit a car you'd go i don't hit a fucking car alex says oh no no i don't remember hitting a car chance man he said let me check my car and now alex walks in tonight and says all right here's my no we don't do insurance it's just like pinos altos you run into a fucking thing you have a dent as curse drivable

it's ugly on a little tiny piece of the thing and you blame bingo because i think i saw bingo driving alex's car i didn't have that much drunk, you don't think you had that much to drink, but you're a retard. So, yeah, bingo did it, and everyone drives around with a dent. And if you want to bring it to the people's court on an upcoming podcast, we'll bring that up. But in the meantime, hey, Alex. You need to be real careful pulling out of here tonight oh yeah right now did you want to just stay the night here we have an open we have an open bedroom or do you just want to crash

you're gonna get ball busted from it well i'm i'm glad you have a theme for a while. It's good. It's good to have one. Anything I can do for the cause. Do you have a chip on your credit card, or do you just side swipe? All right. We can just go on and on. Wow. That's what makes good neighbors is good ball busting. All right.

We have to get back to the podcast already in progress. Dung. Very good. If you guys want to go back and fuck his girlfriend while we do the rest of this podcast, I think it's in play. All right. Hey, we're back. That was funny.

I hope you weren't recording. She brought the tip jar with her. Hey, we're back. That was funny. He said put out a tip. I hope you weren't recording. He said put up a tip jar. Gump said put up a tip jar. All right, Gump. All right. You're just a fucking kid. You were working where?

Like a grocery store or something? Pretty much everywhere gas station i've worked at different gas stations where you've met these when i met her weird lesbians that were into all sorts of drugs i was a server at a golf course at the time when i met both of them when they were together and it was terrible no well it was great because there were no... So within months, now you've left one lesbian for another lesbian to get free weed. And one of them says to you, we should smuggle weed because it's legal in Colorado. This is what fucked with me. When he told me this story initially, I'm like, oh, wait.

He's only now 21. So legalized weed was in his youth. And now he's 21. And it's still his youth. And I'm thinking, this is way back when. No, this is recently for us. It's like when we were in high school. No, this is recently for us.

It's like when we were in high school, we'd go, weed will be legalized in like two years, back in the 80s. And it was. So the other lesbian that he fell back into getting free weed, which should be, everyone acknowledge, he's as much of a capitalist of old people as his wife is as far as oh well i knew they were trying to fuck with me but i just wanted free weed and now they're living in a fucking camper down on our other street i mean he's being he's being an 18 slash And now he's being a 21 year old going oh, I know where we can get free fucking

snacks up at the fucking fun house. Bisbee knows that. Yeah. But he thinks it's a coup. So you're with the new lesbian. The new lesbian. Yep. She's an old lesbian. Throw some cock

at her, but she tells you, oh, we should smuggle weed down to Mississippi. I don't know whose idea it was originally. It wasn't yours. I'm guessing it wasn't yours. No, but I had a medical card. I knew people that were. You know what that means?

You can't smuggle it across state lines, right? Hang on. I don't know if you know what a medical card means. It's Chaley. I know. What was... You were 19. What was your medical reason for having a medical card?

I told them that I worked at a gas station. My back hurts sometimes. Full stop. I worked at a gas station. You got it sometimes. Full stop. I worked at a gas station. You got it. Full stop. Your back hurts. Okay. We get that. I have like my new kidney stones.

Okay. So what? Kidney stones? Like not anything to worry. It's just. Let me go. Let me take this. That's horrible. Otherwise this is going to be a four-hour podcast with 40 minutes of content. We can do a three-parter. You have a medical card.

But the lesbian who wants you to smuggle drugs doesn't? She does not. She's not smart enough to say, my back hurts from working a day job. She needs you? Well, I buy it for her anyways at this point. So she's like, why would I spend 80 bucks to be able to buy it for myself when he could just do it for me? Wait a minute. You're buying weed from her to give to her?

For her. Originally, I bought weed from her. Then I got my medical card. And then I just sort of. Oh, then you bought it from dispensary got my medical card and then i just oh then you bought it from dispensary yeah okay just sort of went for it seemed kind of weird that she's a dealer i think at this point if we're talking about mrs gump not the original gump the original lesbian lover we're talking the fantasy now the fantasy gump and the... No, he met the first fucking lesbian, and now he's with Mrs. Gump, who we know,

who's sitting over at Morgan Murphy's house, all alone, stealing her shit. She has my cigarettes, too. Putting things up on eBay. She says, hey, why don't we smuggle drugs to the southeast from Colorado, where they're newly legal? It's a great idea. And I said, okay.

Fucking smart. Yeah. What? If we would have done it correctly, I should say. I mean, on paper it works. Yeah. It's, you know, we have what you want. You're willing to pay way more than what we can get it for.

Supply and demand. Yeah, simple. But then we didn't take into consideration, shit, we have to drive 19 hours there, 19 hours back, sleep in the car, gas money, this, that. Oh, we still have to pay rent. We should get a dog. What do we need taillights for? That's just another expense. I don't see out the back of my fucking taillights for? That's just another expense.

I don't see out the back of my fucking taillights. Registration? What is that? Like, man trying to hold me down, trying to make me register my car? How much is she controlling you at this point? I think it's at like a 50-50 thing. That's never been a 50-50. 50-50? I wish like a 50-50 thing. That's never been a 50-50. 50-50?

I wish I had 50-50. Here's why I say that, because I think she needs me emotionally, and I think I need her financially and physically. Physically? What, do you have some bum leg? What are you, Derek all over again? You need a crutch? We'll get you a crutch.

I get a crutch here in two minutes. Tim. I think Tracy's right. What did Tracy say? Sex. Oh, sex. Oh, physically. Don't worry.

We have old men that can do that for you. Floyd? Did he say Floyd? I don't know what they said. All right. So she talks you into your first drug run from Colorado to Mississippi is the first one? Yes. Okay. So that's 1,900 miles, as you say.

Well, it's 19 hours. I don't know. 19 hours. Sorry. And you're smuggling how much weed? First time or just in general? First time. First time, I think we took two ounces, just to be safe.

Which is what in town they bring across the street if they're awake. Well, to the place we were going, you don't ever see any other tags other than... Two ounces. Never mind. Yeah, I'm sure that the authorities are monitoring this podcast. I will mark that one. We took that out. Still, just to be safe.

But we took two ounces down, but we got stopped. Two ounces cost what in Colorado versus Mississippi? We got it for $200, and I think they were going to buy it off of us for $600 or $700. Jackpot! Righteous bucks, dude. You're about to make $400 for driving 19 hours each way.

How many hours is that total? 38. 38! 38! you got a first try he's not as gumpy as you think he's gump but yeah look looking back on it but not for a second interview to ask if they would hire you would i get a second interview to make what nine dollars an hour yep serving fucking ice cream it's the easiest job in the world i'll give you the interview right now. Let's say it's Carvel. I'll give you the interview right now. The point is... Let's do it.

Comprende espanol? If you told... Goodbye. Goodbye. You're gone. If you told Friendly's Ice Cream that you would work 38 hours, $600. I'm trying to do the math. I know.

It's sad. So now you drive, panic. Like Midnight Express, you're Billy Davis. You have this two ounces of weed strapped to just your chest in a small Band-Aid strip. It wasn't that. It could fit in your pocket. Probably your back pocket. Yeah, but you keistered it. Anyway,

so you drive up. For the story? Sweating 38 or 19 hours just to get there. You don't sweat on the way back. And you get there and you go, we made $600 and honey, you get to see beautiful Mississippi.

You're the worst drug smuggler ever. She also got to experience her first tornado while she was there. While we were staying in a trailer. It was wonderful. See how you bonus your employees? The full experience. By the way, Doug, it was only $400, not $600. $200.

Oh, yeah. $400. $200. Oh, yeah. $400. $400 for 38 hours. I don't want to cheat the listener. So what does that work out to on an hourly rate? $10.50? Oh, it's the L. He already did it.

Doug, he did it without you even like saying hey someone do this he already did it in his head 10 50 an hour you made yeah yeah risking a felony of uh possession with intent well uh possession with intent to sell buddy got pussy well we both had jobs at the time too i was a dishwasher so I'm sure that would hold up the court. He's a dishwasher. Did you go through Texas? Did I get a couple days off? Doug, he went through Texas.

Smuggling weed. He went through Texas. You did all of this wrong. Didn't get caught. It goes on. It goes on. There's more? there's more there's oh believe me there we're we're both where are we did they get to mississippi and sell the way so that was the first run we sold it uh everything was fun uh came back yeah at a loss you came back yeah well we made like and then she said five ten dollars you made $5 or $10? This sounds like our fucking royale show where I made $5.

She says, we could do this again. Let's double down with four ounces. Or what is it? I know we did six ounces at one point. We did it quite a few times. At one point, you go to New Orleans? I went to New Orleans for Voodoo Fest and we

Voodoo Fest? Yeah, it was fun. More white people with beads and bones. But you were more into the concert than the selling weed part, right? Oh yeah, most definitely. It was like Cage the Elephant?

And fucking who else? Go ahead. Tell us about... Oh, we're at a concert. We're supposed to be selling weed, but... Perfect place to sell weed. Yeah. Go ahead.

You get fucked. Right? Oh, no. This is... That's Mississippi. I get fucked. Right? Oh, no. That's Mississippi. I got fucked in Mississippi. All right, then go to the fucked part. By the way, if you paid to get in to see Caged Elephant,

you got fucked. Well, it was a festival. There were a lot of people. I get it. It was all right. Side stages were probably more entertaining. Almost definitely, but yeah. Let him go. Let the kid go. Watch. It's all right. Side stages were probably more entertaining. But go ahead. Most definitely. But yeah. Let him go.

But anyways. Let the kid go. Watch. He just hangs himself. Let him talk. So I had a friend tell me that school was getting back in one of these college towns in Mississippi and that he would take us to all these frat parties and shit and we'd sell whatever we brought. So I was like,

well, it'd probably be super fucking convenient. You know, there's like cones that Chad brings and like rolls up. You can buy like clear ones in Colorado. Comb? Cone. Oh yeah.

Let him go. So, uh, I was like, it's a clear joint. That's cool. I think that'll blow all these dumb fucking rednecks minds all away. So I was like, let's roll them up into a ground each,

and we'll go to these frat parties and sell them like $15, $20. Like Lucy's. Yeah. Let them go. Let them go. So we get there. Not only is there nobody on campus, but

they're just like, yeah, I don't know of anybody that can take that off their hands. And so we drove all the way down there. And I was just like... Well, and I should add, before we would make these drives, we would make people pay us like half of it first, just

so we wouldn't get down there and this shit wouldn't happen. Oh, like a guarantee. Yeah. We'd have gas money. Did they pay half? They did. All right. They paid the other half?

I'm paying the second half. Well, that's a different story on a different occasion. All right, go ahead. Go ahead. Anyways, so I don't want to drive all the way back to Colorado with about a quarter of an ounce in the car just because we have Colorado tags, Mississippi. That's just, hey, we should pull over that fucking car right there which is

eventually what happened but uh so sort of we sort of cut our losses on it we made like well get if that's what eventually happens let's get to that part oh you're driving back with all this fucking weed you couldn't sell we never drove back with anything we couldn't wait you were at the festival it was a blowout or. Wait, you were at the festival. It was a blowout. Or wherever you were at. It was a blowout. So you had to end up driving away with weed.

Oh, no. He just said no. He was just like, I'll take it off your hands myself, but I can only give you this. And it was just like, okay. But I guess something's better than nothing. And I grew up with this dude, so it's not like I could have just been like, no, fuck you. All right.

I didn't. Should have. So you're driving back to Colorado, all gumpish. So I don't know. I think this is actually the same trip we're talking about, but on the way down, heading towards it. We're on the highway in Arkansas, and there's a bunch of cars around us. Like, you wouldn't be able to get around us unless you just forced your way into it. And so we're keeping up the flow of traffic, going under the speed limit and everything.

And we see this cop coming up. He goes a little bit past us, and then he kind of slows down, and he sees us. And then he just sort of forces his way through traffic behind us, stops us. You were going 77 and a 75. I just wanted to make sure everything was all right. He looks at Mrs. Gump and was just like, could I have a word with you in the cruiser? And we have weed in the car.

This is what we have for her. Mrs. Gump is hot for a limited time only, but at the time, she's hot. So Arkansas cop. Soon she'll have no choice but me. So you get pulled over with weed in the car but to ask someone to go in the cruiser so but of course we're not going to be like no i'm not doing that because immediately as soon as you say that yeah uh suspicion we're gonna strip this car we're trying to avoid that so we're just like to avoid that. So we're just like, all right.

Just do what we got to do. So she gets in the car. And he starts asking her questions. And I'm not around for this. It's just what she told me. Just random stuff. Where are you guys going? Who are you going to meet there?

What's his cousin's name that you're going to meet? This and that. And that's when we realized we didn't have matching stories. And luckily, well before I do that. You realized after the fact you didn't have matching stories. Yeah, we realized after the fact. So she's answering all these questions and she hears this weird noise

in the back and she turns around and there's a, it's a canine unit. Oh, fuck. Yeah. And so he just prints her off this big warning ticket. He must just be smelling your dog. Exactly. Well, this is before we had the dog. So he gives her the thing, drives off.

And best I can make up, he didn't take me back to the car, thank God, because we would have gone to fucking jail immediately. Or he'd have sucked your dick. High five! Sorry, go ahead. We all been there, bro. Or both. He would have taken me to jail after I would have sucked his dick. You should have seen the cop. He fell for it.

I know Gump's getting to it. Go, gump go so the best that i can think of was he wanted a reason to search the car but he couldn't just based on colorado tags arkansas you're out of place so if the dog started barking at her for whatever reason and we weren't smoking on the way down there. Suspicion. Figure out. Search the car. But luckily he didn't bring me back there because we would have been fucked.

And two, he came over to my side of the window and I just drew this tattoo out of a jar and got that. So I think he thought I was a retarded child. It's almost a spider. It's a terrible tattoo. Go ahead. There's eight legs, so it checks out.

I pre-interviewed Gump like a week ago about this story, so I think he's getting to the story where... But this might be two stories. Go ahead. Go on with the story, because if it's not the story where oops i can get to the oops story all right so this is a different story you got out of that you got out of that all right good just barely the one you didn't get out of you stupid cunt pretty shitty

cop can't fucking figure out a reason to search the car let's go he still hasn't learned his lesson he got pulled over he got out of it. Clearly. Hey, I can get away with it again. He's in Bisbee. So then you get pulled over another time trying to smuggle weed for pennies on the dollar. In between that, we got a dog to sort of...

We got a dog and we trashed the car to sort of, hey, we live in our car. Feel sorry for us. Please don't search our's not it's not the thing you're in now right no did you did you honestly get a dog just as a distraction to cops when you're running oh no no we just figured out we could use it as that no oh you wanted a dog anyway yeah we had been planning a dog and then we were just like you're in this shit too now dude so now you're smuggling where are you coming back from smuggling drugs again for to get your minimum wage uh wendy's dollar menu i'll have a junior bacon cheeseburger too for 99 cents. Is there tax in this state?

Well, okay, we're going to have to upsell the weed. It was supposed to be... Go ahead. Get pulled over again on another ride home. Get pulled over again. On a run.

A run. Yeah, we had everything in the car. We had stuffed two ounces we had sold uh two two or four ounces beforehand so now you have it matter double junior bacon cheeseburger money yeah go ahead so we have two more ounces stuffed inside of a pillow we put like extra padding in it so that way like... Good cover. Yeah. And uh... No one would sleep on weed. No dog could smell through that. That's why we would normally keep the dog

with us. He would sleep on the pillows in the back. So if they came with other dogs, well, your dog's barking at my dog and you know please don't search anymore. So we would just leave like old to-go boxes and shit. Sure.

We made this thing terrible. Cop says to you. Cop says to you when you get pulled over. I'm trying to speed this fucking thing up. He knows where it's going, Gump. I'm distracting, but he has the through line. If my girlfriend were here, she'd go, you don't remember anything about me,

but you remember everything about Gump's story. You get pulled over. You think the weed is safe in the pillow. The weed is not safe in the pillow. Shocking. We had sold a couple grams and the pillow

was open. And that was the point we realized too, that the stitching we used didn't match the color of the pillow didn't actually so speak up he pulls us over he pulls us over and a couple days before we actually found the pipe in the car that we honestly didn't know about. We didn't want to bring. Probably the dogs. It was the dogs. But anyways. Morgan's even leaving, going back to the Morgan party. Morgan's party is so bad, even

Morgan is going back. Will you bring my cigarettes if you come back up there? I got cigarettes right here. There's cigarettes here. Doug has a whole pillow full of cigarettes. Just ask him.

We'll undo the stitches. The two ounces of weed hidden in a pillow but you stitched it. That doesn't really matter. That was just something I don't know. So the dog's not with us and that sort of throws off our whole we have pillows

in the bag. Wait, where's the dog? Oh, you had a dog excuse and no dog around i think he told me at one point a dog ran off and they stopped looking for it i'll let her tell the part of that story let's cut to... So... My friend Rachel is in the car and she has nothing to do with this at all. Just in town, hanging out. Good reason to put her in the story.

What's her last name? I'm kidding. Shut up. Go ahead. Rachel, Rachel. It's not a real last name. She's with us, and we were just cruising. I think we were going to get something to eat or something, and we had it with us. On the way, you were talking about,

hey, I'm smuggling drugs, and I really suck at it. That's what you say at a fucking Wienerschnitzel or a White Castle or wherever you are. You go, I'm just dumb dumb and i'm smuggling drugs rachel we don't have white castle in this house yeah it's whatever it is it's a fucking waffle house it's a crystal burger anyway you're saying that and now you get pulled over go so we get pulled over anything in the car we want to know about and rachel she's a whore i don't have my dog with me but have your fucking canine unit smell our cunt smells like all my kinfolk i know what that's

what he told me jumped ahead go ahead you got pulled over and what happened got pulled over and he's like is there anything in the car this point, I had a couple grams in my pocket and I didn't know what to do. The pillow was full. The pillow was full. My pockets were sort of full. And being what you see on the news a lot, I didn't want to be doing sporadic shit with my hands.

So I just tossed it on the floor because the car was trashed and I just shuffled my feet around hoping it would go somewhere. It was two grams. Yeah. So he's just like, is there anything in the car that we should know about and we were just like maybe we give him something we can get out of this because like it was obvious that he was going to search the car because there are other cops there so you're just like we have a pipe that

we found we're from colorado i have a card. I promise you we don't have anything else with us. Like, playing good kids. Anyways. Gump, if you... You can't see Gump, listener, but Gump, if he said this to you with all earnestness, you would believe him.

He is a fucking complete caricature of a southern dumb kid with a racist doll. I'm just here to make you a sandwich. I didn't do nothing wrong, officer. And it works. It does. Did it this time?

It did. Wow. So we were just like, you know, play this pipe. You know, you can take this. You fessed up to a pipe, but you were shuffling weed. On the floor. On the floor. I was trying to kick it, like, under the front seat,

because that was my back seat. Yeah, because you got a bunch of, you know... Every time I get pulled over, I get a nervous officer, and I do a little shuffle dance. We called it the Lindy Hop. But you know, you wouldn't probably recognize that. My daddy showed that. So

he tells us you had the pipe, this and that, we're going to search the car. And my heart drops. I'm just like, this is part of this cool story where we go to jail. And so he starts searching the car, and he starts finding all the old fucking rotten-to-go food

that we leave in there and all our dirty clothes and just sorting through all this shit. Finds the two grams on the floor. Whose is this? Wait, is that a driver's seat where you were shuffling? Where I was sitting. Sort of. I didn't shuffle it that well.

I thought I did a really good job of it, but I did a really shitty job at it. Didn't mean to call you out on that, but I just want to get back. He went in the back and said, this is too dirty. I'm going back to the front. And he found immediately the two grounds. He didn't find it immediately. He had to look for it, but he found it. It's what you were stepping on.

Yeah. So he was just like, who is this? And I didn't want to get Mrs. Gump in trouble, and I didn't want Rachel to get in trouble, because she has nothing to do with any of this. I was like, it's mine. So he continues to search the car. Is there anything else we should know about?

Is that how it goes? Yes. All right. We gave you a pipe to begin with. Then we found weed. There's nothing else. Nothing else. What about the two ounces in this busted up bag?

Two grams. Two grams. Two grams. Whatever. So he starts searching. But really, this time you're serious. No, now there's nothing. When I said earlier there was nothing, now there's nothing.

When I said earlier there was nothing, now there's nothing. So where he found the two grams was in the backseat, which is also where the two ounces were in the pillow, in the driver's. Where Rachel was sitting. Rachel was sitting in the front passenger seat. That fucking cunt. I knew she brought weed into the car. Wait, you're in the backseat?

I am in the backseat. Jesus, what kind of bottom are you? I don't know. She's just a friend. One that gets caught. Go ahead. So he starts searching where the two ounces are. And I'm just like, this is where shit's going to go really bad. Because the pillow's open.

He probably said that out loud. This is where shit's going to go really bad. Hey, Rachel, ex-lesbian lover. This is where the shit goes bad. Rachel's a friend. Either way, we got it. The listener has it. They're bored with us being drunk.

Go ahead. He picks up the pillow. When he picks it up on the side that it's opened up on, picks it up, looks under it, tosses it. Picks up the other pillow, looks picks it up on the side that it's opened up on picks it up looks under it tosses it picks up the other pillow looks on it tosses it you guys can go sit back in the car and i was just like oh my god thank you so let's sit back in the car and he all this happened because this was at a double roundabout and there's two stop signs. Fuck those.

He had before we got pulled over he had another car pulled over right in front of the stop sign for the first roundabout. So he has lights on we didn't see it. Selena blew through it and then Mrs. Scum blew through it and Rachel and then Mrs. Gump blew through it and Rachel was just like

I think you just blew through a stop sign because Rachel lives in this town and knows it better than us. And as soon as she said that Cobb was finishing up with that dude. Came right up behind us. Right up in front of the other stop sign ever so conveniently.

But anyways. So he looks at Mrs. Gump and says, I'd like to have a word with you back here. And they did the whole roadside sobriety test and she passes that and they give her a ticket for running the stop sign. They bring me back there

and they gave me a ticket for the pipe. Never saw that weed again. Wow. Oh, really? But the entire time... Wait, the pillow weed? No, the two grams they found. Shuffling foot weed? It was good weed.

Well, I get it, but... I didn't sell these people shit weed. That was the best thing that ever came to that fucking town. Wait, is this the same story? Hang on. I'm pretty sure it's not. No, because Gump here, looking for a job anyway, where you go, who would work in an ice cream hut?

I'm going to have to go back at noon tomorrow and see how they got my, how they feel about my application. A week ago, Gump's going, there's an ad for a police department, and I call Officer Bob Friendly. I go, hey, Gump here, he wants to be a policeman. A dog. A drug dog. He wants to be a drug dog. a drug dog he wants me a drug dog he says i said how uh how much would a open warrant from mississippi for you having paraphernalia affect his job prospects he goes probably a

little bit not a lot well i think the best cops would be ex-drug dealers. You're not fucking Serpico, dude. I'm not Serpico. However, I don't think there's any Serpico-like shit going on in Bisbee. You're the worst drug dealer ever. You're not Serpico's landlady. I mean, come on, dude. We skipped over where you were trying to sell fucking... Or maybe we did get to that.

He was trying to sell weed. This is very convoluted. I don't know where we were. Anyway, he would do all these drug runs for his wife to places for no money and get no money and sometimes get busted, sometimes get fucking roughed up for weed. But, Doug, when you're 19, this is when you do that shit. He's only 21 and he's

still dumb. He was 19 when he was doing this. When you're 19, 20, 21, this is when you do this shit. I know. That's when you think that you have, like, nothing can harm me. You have that

Stand-up comedy or drug running for no money but he's like i asked him i go all right now you're living here in a fucking camper down on the other street with mrs gump what are you gonna do what are you good at he goes nothing like what skills do you have don't really have any i take what comes my way he's gonna hopefully he's asking to work at a fucking ice cream store i'm pretty good at a soft serve machine anyone around maybe it doesn't work he was gonna work at safeway and he said, I keep applying, but they won't. Doug, I walked into. Retards. Doug, I walked into.

Respect to the local folks. Retarded people bag groceries at Safeway long term. Since I've been here, some really strong developmentally disabled people have been bagging groceries and Gump can't get a fucking callback for an interview at Safeway I spend as much as a fucking teacher's salary

every year at Safeway and I was gonna bring Gump in and he's like wait well the ice cream shop is within Gump is not a dumb dude he's like, wait, well, the ice cream shop is within. Gump is not a dumb dude. He's just aware of his minimal skills.

He can't do grout work. He can't do anything. But yeah, put him with Joby or Andrew for a week. He can learn skills, but he doesn't want to because they're fucking him and his wife because they're not lesbians I am I am Joby says

Joby will hire you yes put him to work with fucking Joby or Shawnee or Andrew for a week he's gonna learn some shit you leave him alone here he's gonna turn into fucking two guys that work exclusively alone put him with two guys that work exclusively alone they shawnee when he he had to settle for fucking tranny danny when they built this thing and russ

and russ god rest his, maybe he'll be dead or a pariah, but you could learn a skill and he would learn a skill. But if you leave him alone. You're vouching for Gump to do manual labor? I know how to beekeep.

He knows how to beekeep. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. That's a skill. That's something we don't know about oh killer B guy killer B can you

Gretchen can you hook him up Gretchen's heard the whole podcast I don't think you should put her on the spot even Gresham's heard the whole podcast Gresham's heard the whole podcast I don't think you should put her on the spot we have in Bisbee we have the

preeminent is that the right word the guy with the most advertising budget he's the killer bee guy when it comes to killer bees this is the go to guy nationally for he knows how to deal with killer bees and he's lives oh allegedly allegedly according to all national press

yeah i i i will i i would i would i would ask killer b guy, Dave, is it Dave? Doug, why don't you just like, don't, Hey, vet my friend. Doug, why don't you just call the killer B guy and you do it?

Don't, don't bring Gretchen into this. Or I can just set you up your own beehive in the rape trailer. What's that? I can set you up your own beehive in the rape trailer. We don't want, no, we want you to deal with killer bees.

You gotta figure out what the fuck you can do, son. We're gonna close this podcast. But yeah, we'll figure out what Gump can do. And then we'll get your wife's side of the story later. Thank you so much for telling your story. That's very interesting. Thank you. We've had... There's a long...

We had Electric Dave who told his story on the podcast years ago of that kind of... A bad drug dealing. And Nurse Betty. Also, Doug, this is our third drug runner.

Hey, this is our third evergreen. Evergreen. Gump, we'll figure out what becomes of you. Cliffhanger. I'm guessing as the same way I guaranteed

the Jaguars would win the Super Bowl that they're not in, I will guarantee Gump and Mrs. Gump will not be together by 4th of July. July 4th. It's over under? Six months.

Yeah, that's of 18. The year of our Lord. That's a little less than six months. And I think Gump won't give a fuck. That's just a guess. Don't give a Gump. I don't give a Gump. The fireworks

will scare her off. Good night. When I was walking on the street with the corner of my eyes saw a pretty little thing approaching me. Good night. I said you're such a sweet thing why you do this to yourself? She looked at me and this is what she said She said it ain't no rest for the wicked Money don't grow on trees We got dues to pay, I got miles to pay There ain't nothing in this world for free

You know I can't slow down, I can't hold up Though you know I wish I could Well it ain't no rest for the wicked Until we close our eyes for good It ain't no rest for the wicked Money don't grow on trees I got bills to pay, I got amounts to pay There ain't nothing in this world to freeze You know we can't slow down, we can't hold up Though you know I wish I could But it ain't no rest for the wicked Until we close our eyes for good