The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #249: LIVE Podcast in Singapore with Comedians Martin Mor and Sam See

Episode Date: March 21, 2018

Doug ropes comedians Martin Mor and Sam See into a live podcast at a local Irish pub in Singapore.  Recorded Mar 10th, 2018 at Mcgettigans Pub in Singapore with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), Martin Mor (@MartinMorComedy), and Sam See (@MrSamSee). Produced by Brian Hennigan and Edited by Chaille (@gregchaille). This episode is sponsored by  Spotify - The Doug Stanhope Podcast is now available on Spotify. Open the app on mobile or desktop, click on the "browse" channel, and then click on the "podcast" section. RxBAR – To get 25% off your first order, visit RXBAR.com/STANHOPE and enter promo code STANHOPE at check out. DSC - Join Dollar Shave Club today and for just $5, with free shipping you’ll get their “Sh*t, Shower, Shave Starter Set.” Go to DollarShaveClub.com/STANHOPE.  LINKS: Magner's Cider - http://usa.magners.com/ McGettigan's Clarke Quay - https://www.facebook.com/mcgettigansclarkequay Chad Shank Voice Over info at www.AudioShank.com Support the Innocence Project - www.innocenceproject.org/Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Check, check. Hello, hello. Hello. Start recording now, Brian. Hello. Somebody else coming? Yeah, Brian's going to be in there. I don't like his mood. Is somebody else coming? Yeah, Brian's going to be in there. All right.

I don't like his mood. Brian seems to be in a timid mood. But his Rangers are losing downstairs, and he doesn't ever watch games he cares about. That's what I figured out. That's why he never came down. But I was rooting for Selty. Hey, this is the Doug Stanhope live at the Singapore.

I hate to call it the Singapore Comedy Festival. I like to call it the Magners Singapore Comedy Festival where we drink Magners. Hey, Aiden, can you not fuck up one time and get brian a magners because when you said do you want to drink we'll get to back to busting your balls in a little bit but when you were leaving to go do a set of old material you said do you want a drink? And I said, Asahi. And if they don't have it, nothing. And you bought us four Tiger Lager ales and left. No, I said if they don't have Asahi, just don't order anything specifically. Now I understand Brian's frustration.

We'll get back to fucking with you. We have Brian Hennigan here, and we have our guest from Ireland, the legendary Martin Moore. Hello. Hello, everybody. Hello, everybody. I want to give two of those beers away.

And the guy that I reached its first book to, one of them was Glaswegian and one of them was Irish. And he was best friends with the guy who went to school and my sister. I was wondering why you were talking that long.

There you go. And then you invited him to the show. And I'm like, no, you don't get a bunch of fucking not-headed football hooligans up here drunk thinking it's a comedy show. No, they're still watching the fucking game. The game is still on.

Cheers. Here's to your cheers of coffee. That's what I learned about Martin. I have my virtual Magners. They have virtual Magners. They have virtual Magners. What I heard about you from Brian, they just sprung this podcast upon us yesterday. On all of us.

Yeah. Well, you were meant to be doing a thing. I was supposed to be doing stand-up here, and looking at the lack of a stage, I think we saved your ass. I did a show in this room. I did a show in this room last night. They put a stage there in that little corner, a little tiny stage like a low table. So you

had the whole bar staring at the back of your head. Those people up there couldn't see. The people in the long bit of the bar, these people were all there. At the front row there was an eight-month-old baby. Oh! Who now can say fuck in a Northern Irish accent. I can say folk in a Northern Irish accent. Fortunately for the listener, you're about seven fathoms long. Yes. You were talking to, what's our guy behind the bar? I can't remember his name.

Mark. Mark. Yeah, Mark was talking to you downstairs, and you kept talking about how you lost so many stones in weight, and then you would change up. I go, I don't know what a fucking stone is, but I'm not going to ask. And then you would change up to something. I go, oh, it's kilos. I don't know what a fucking kilo is either.

You do pounds. Do you work in pounds? Yeah, pounds. I don't know. Who knows? For a second I was thinking money on these gigs and I go, what's the pound worth? Matt knows. What's 18 stone in pounds?

Well, there's 2.2 pounds in a kilo. Thanks very much. That's helped a lot. You lost a shitload of weight. Okay, these are the two things I heard about you from Hennigan, where he said, oh, it turns out, we didn't even find out until today that they bounced your show for this podcast. I'm like, well, fucking get him on as a guest. Give him something to do, rather than have a night off.

But he said, no, that's the guy we want as a guest and he told me that you're big and boisterous and that you had to you quit drinking

but it's because you had to so you probably have some good stories so the thing is you're allowed a certain amount of alcohol in your life

and I'd already drunk mine so that was that yeah I would have been big when you the last 10 weeks because I haven't seen each other since the mid 90s yeah right that's right so was Brian trying to do stand-up comedy I think I was yeah I was doing useless

guide to Scotland yeah yeah that's right I'm promoting and in a cellar promoting a gig in a cellar in Edinburgh uh Uh-huh. Oh, the Tron. Yeah, that's where I met him. He was booking the Tron. He lived right across the street. Yeah. And he's bringing you back for the Edinburgh Fringe. Never.

Never. It's the worst. I'll do Coachella as a fucking rapper first. You, uh... Fuck, I'm... You were talking downstairs while I was pretending to watch this Celtic Ranger game.

We're in an Irish pub here in Singapore, for the listener. We're in an Irish pub full of about eight people. And, uh... So, we got here an hour early to figure out if we had sound at all. Like, we thought we were going to have to use our regular two-person traveling podcast rig.

They fixed it. They have kind of sound, so how this will work out at Chaley's end, I don't know. Yeah, fuck them. Yeah. And if this goes so poorly that we just have to tell everyone and Chaley, yeah, I guess someone kicked a plug out. It never recorded. Fuck it.

I'm downstairs. I'm listening to you talk. Because as soon as you start saying interesting shit, I'm like, save it for the podcast. Because I got nothing to tell people. Okay. So I'm just watching the game and I'm listening to you talk to Mark

and you lost all these stones and I'm thinking kidney stones and then you need a hip replacement but because you lost the stones the doctors say you might be able to keep the hip until you're 60

and then you go And I was supposed to run across The fucking Gopi desert But I had a gig or something That's exactly it You're so fucking weird You're like Dave Fulton with jokes See

Doug Stanhope just thought I was fucking weird Level completed First of all When you say your hip will last Until you're 60 How old are you now? Because I'm

Usually I guess this You have the weirdy beardy thing going Like the whole ZZ Top thing Okay But I I'm going to go 53.

55. I'm within two years, and that's... The rules are... Can I guess your age, then? Yes. Okay, so I've only met you for the first time today. I'm 60-something. I get the stuffed animal in your carnival booth.

The rule in the carnival is you guess the weight within five pounds and the age within two years. Right? You get no stuffed animal from me. Just start with the Gobi Desert. And then work backwards. We're going to go back to Mexico City. This is all shit I overheard you say.

Okay, so yeah, all it was was they put together a team to do the fastest crossing of the Gobi Desert. I tried to... They reached out to you immediately. Yes. How many people said no? My thing that I've been doing the last couple of years, every year I try and do something

adventurous and that's my Edinburgh show. And so a couple of years ago we did the highest ever comedy gig at Mount Everest base camp. So we hiked up to base camp, Mount Everest, did a show. And so I try and do something every year, so that's how the guy knew about me. And yeah, that's that, walking across the Gobi Desert, walking and running. You know, standard. How long? I don't know. The Gobi Desert?

I think it's a bigger one. Yeah, it's big. Of deserts, I think. Yeah, it's a big hot one. Sandy. How long does it take you to... 46 days is the record they were trying to do. I don't want to put you on the spot. I don't want to put you on the spot,

I don't want to put you on the spot, but my question would be, of all the stupid shit that you do, what's the best bit that you ever get out of it? Because I would only do that for the bit. No, that's exactly it. So I've done, so just telling Brian,

this year's going to be my 21st Edinburgh show, so that's an hour a year. So it's 21 hours. I've got fuck all to talk about. So I have to go and walk across fucking deserts. I know, I killed my mother and that was my last parent and I only got like eight minutes out of it.

Yeah. He gets a whole show out of walking across the global desert, which has no legal repercussions compared to killing your mother. Yeah, you've got eight minutes. Yeah. Well,

because most people, I would assume, are listening in the States. At Edinburgh, they do... It's a fucking play. They make you do this themed show that has to have a beginning and an end and all about one thing, basically. Well, they still fake it. I just wrote a book where I faked the through lines and it was a bunch of road stories.

Okay, well, here's the road stories and what's the through line? And we worked it backwards, which I assume most of the acts do there. Yeah, I think now Edinburgh people... I get a fist-fuck joke, I get this, and I get this bit about how does it tie together. How can I make it philosophical? And what's a good title? So it's just that stage now. It's just at the bit where the deadline's next Wednesday.

So people are making a title for their Edinburgh shows, and then desperately trying to write a show. So you didn't actually go across the Goldbead Desert? No, no, it's not happening. I just couldn't afford the time as it turned out. So I'm going to go to the Australian desert instead. Hey, welcome in. Magners. Oh,

you're Guinness? Alright, that's fine. The Guinness podcast is next door. This is the Magners podcast. Magners. This is our Magners moment. This is where we queer people. Yeah, go and sit over there.

There's no place to sit. Meld in with people. Wife swap. Over there. Wife swap. Oh, somebody's getting a burger. There are some Asian people. You're a white guy.

You're somewhat brown. Just clusterfuck and make everyone the same color when you have kids. What? You're Scottish. Well, sure, sure. Sure. Go down and tell the, what, are you Celtic or Ranger? Absolutely not.

See? Man. Those Scottish people downstairs watching that game wouldn't say you're Scottish. We just had that right now. We just had that one. Yeah, that's what you... You're going to... All right.

Let's get back to... Martin, go ahead. You're running the clusters. Brian's a big Rangers fan. Yeah, this is going nowhere. That guy. Hannigan. He's a Scot. He's a big ranger's fan. Yeah, this is going nowhere. That guy. Hannigan. He's a Scot.

He's a posh lad, Scott. You'll be able to tell. So we've got this little room to ourselves now, haven't we? Yeah. Are we going to have a packer? We could skin up. What? Why don't we just skin up?

Why don't we? Fire on? I think we can. I don't even know. Oh, can you get us an ashtray and lock the door? Skin up. Why do I? Fire on. Why do I? I think we can. I don't even know why you're on. Oh, can you get us an ashtray and lock the door? It's all right. Yes.

Yeah, so? I'm from the government. House party. Is that what you're talking? I don't know what skin up means. You might have been talking about docking where you're putting your foreskin over my fucking circuit. Oh, no. What? That's illegal. There's things we don't

do here that are illegal. Hey, is that gay comic here? Is he? No. He's not gay. I'm not going to be a narc. It's illegal to be gay here. Sam is the first

openly gay. But again, this is how I get away with shit like I killed my mother. Look at that. You mentioned gay and fucking Brian got up and walked out. Yeah, Brian has a bad energy about him. Doesn't he? Yeah. I think you

brought that on when you mentioned the football. Hennigan. I get a million notes. So let's start from the beginning of this tour, which was only, I've only done two shows in a week. And then we're doing this filler show. Moral leverage show. Keep going. Yeah, to promote whatever.

He's on his fucking phone, look. Aiden. What are you doing? Why don't you just snap on Aiden and just get the tension out of the fucking building? I have, let me, these are some quotes. The first night we played Hong Kong.

You should explain who he is. Aiden is a comic that actually booked this whole tour. Aidan used to be a comic who was going to come and do a two-person show in Australia with me this year. But decided, because he had to look after Doug Stanhope, he wasn't coming to Australia. Yeah. Maybe he thought you were going across the Gobi Desert. Stanhope, he wasn't coming to Australia. Well, maybe he's... Maybe he thought you were going across the Gobi Desert. No, no, this was going to be afterwards.

So I ended up doing a fucking hour a night to eight people in an empty fucking game bar. You know, sports bar. Yeah, yeah. Oh, the worst. So thanks very much, Brian. Oh, he left you that high and dry? Like, no...

Nick's son couldn't even get there in time? Yeah, yeah, it was fucked. Nick Sun. He's Nick Sun. Oh, I love Nick Sun. I'm a huge Nick Sun fan. A lot of people in the States were not when I had him on the road with me. But we laughed every fucking night.

Every night. The worse it went, the better we laughed. There's some Aiden quotes, because the first show we did was in Hong Kong. And he stayed out all night. You know how the guy that runs the tour, when you're completely foreign, you have no idea what you're doing, where you're going, and the promoter stays out and fucking shows up the next morning at the hotel still awake

shit faced to bring you to the airport you go that's how promoters generally work right you know he's Irish right you do know he's Irish we know because he didn't show telltale signs of being drunk other than saying

I haven't slept at all. I got to do some cocaine. So this is the first time we're dealing with him as the guy that we have to trust. Good to see you used your time away from me profitably. Didn't just waste it. We're in the cab that next morning to the airport in Hong Kong

and he's telling us about Singapore and he has some story about yeah, there's beers that are $22 but they have this beer that they have to serve you that's only $6 and he tells us this as the cab is pulling up to the airport.

We get into the line at Scoot Airlines. We'll get back to that. I go, I'm going to go smoke a cigarette before we have to go through because it's a long line. He races out just as I'm done my cigarette, says, oh, the line's moving quick now. You should get in. And as we're walking in he says uh i should be quick and i said as soon as we get through we'll hit a bar don't worry knowing that he's been up all night and you need one more drink to stay awake

and he goes what i do is i watch a guy drink a beer, and then I ask him what kind of beer, so I can remember which one the $6 one is. I go, oh, I thought that was about Singapore. He goes, oh, right, we're not in Singapore yet. It's been 10 minutes since we got to the Hong Kong airport, and he thinks he's in fucking Singapore. There's two more quotes. Then we sit down, we find one fucking bar that serves beer in this... In Hong Kong airport, the entire fucking terminal serves...

There's no bar. There's one restaurant where... We're in the refugee terminal. They eat the... Oh, I want to smash every one of you fucks in the mouth. The people that eat the noodles like a Hoover vacuum. And it's so disgusting. And I'm sitting there with a hangover and they're sucking this shit up.

But that's the only place you can drink beer. So we're having acai. And Brian leaves me alone. I really think Aiden has touched on some level. He did too many whippets. You know when you do whippets and you go, oh, this is doing something dangerous to my brain?

What's a whippet? Nitrous oxide? Ah, yeah. He's done tons of that. I've seen him do it. That was his last French joke. The second quote was he was talking about when he did a set in New York, and he goes, it was like 2011, 2012. What year was 9-11?

What year was 9-11? I know. But he's like, and then he processed that slowly. When I said 2001, he goes, yeah, it was nowhere close to that. And then he said something about L.A. I heard all these people are plastic there. And I said, yeah, well, I mean, if you're a comic, that's where all the comics live. So he goes, well, why do they go there?

Is that where Hollywood is or something? I'm just going to write this off as you're really fucking hammered from the night before. He's not recovered. So I think that's just generally Aiden. Maybe he's broke. Maybe he's got broken.

Has he got broken? That's that guy there with the beard. I know, that's why we waited until we were on a podcast. Unlikely rule for myself at this point, but Aiden did pull together the whole tour. Okay. I know.

Hey, fuck you! I had to talk you off a ledge all day, Anakin. I'm just saying, Doug, calm down. I mean, you were very harsh on Aiden. And I hate having to defend him all the time. I didn't realise that was being perceived as harsh. No, he can't defend himself, guy yelling from the audience. I thought you were pointing out good character traits that Aiden had.

I didn't realise it was being very nice. That he's imaginative. Yeah. Enthusiastic. Gets involved. See that dumb look on his face never goes away and I go,

are you getting any of the, I'm ripping you. Hennigan's really, I told Hennigan, Hennigan's listing up all these... Like, who wouldn't know passport photos? Evidently, we need two passport photos for the early morning flight

to Vietnam for our visas. And he just comes up with this today. Yeah. Where do we get... Alright. Everyone knows. No, you're the... I've never been to fucking Vietnam.

I have mine. You're the guy that's supposed to know this shit. He can get in the airport. This is when a... You have to know a guy that was a comic. Midland didn't work out and he started a club. Yes. Name one that ever worked out.

None. I can name you a lot that we drank for free on their way down. But Vietnam is very strict to come into Vietnam. Anyone that ever went knows it. But I had last year year Magners, who the Oh, it's Magners! It's not really a border when it's Magners.

So I got there, and I threw from Thailand, and I didn't know I was supposed to meet Matt, who didn't turn up. There's a fucking pattern forming here with you guys. Or maybe with you, Martin. Or maybe me yeah so I get there

and I've got no forwarding ticket I've got no visa and I didn't know the address of the hotel that I was staying in and the guy at the

passport control guy put on his hat so you knew he meant oh look he's a judge and I just went I just went oh for fuck's sake

and the guy looked me in the eye took his hat and went go ahead it was a moment of humanity. Oh. So the magic words are oh, for fuck's sake. They assassinated that guy

for letting you go. What was that movie? Every Witch Way But Loose, where he turned his hat around every time there's going to be a fight. We're going to Vietnam. I every country has a rule about shit. They don't around every time there's gonna be a fight we're going to Vietnam I every country has a rule about shit you don't say this and you don't say that and

that's why you want a booker that's which country are we in I don't fucking I don't know what day it is half the time Vietnam they don't call the Vietnam War the Vietnam War. They call it the American War. It's a war. It's the war. What other war are they known for? You know what? Quit bitching about which war. We have to fucking name our wars because we do a lot of them. That's like one of those...

That's my Magner's moment of the podcast. Everyone has their Magner's moment where they nail one. During that war... Go ahead.

Vietnam's like one of those burger stalls that only sells one burger. And they're just famous for it. Somebody's mum invented it in the 50s. That's Vietnam with the war. The war. The war.

I'm showing up where I'm going to tape my John McCain. You know how they try to get all the POWs to do these confession tapes. My government is responsible

for all these crimes and a lot of them wouldn't do it. Most of them wouldn't do it because I already have mine filmed. Ready to go. In case they give me any shit. If I get arrested for something, that's my biggest fear on this whole tour.

Arrested for saying the wrong thing because I thought I was in a different country because fucking drunky McIrishman over here is... Here's a notion for you. Heard a wildebeest is running across a Serengeti and the lion eats the one at the back that's the straggler.

That's why they've put Aiden there. He's pointing at Aiden for the listener, not me. Aiden for the listener not me Aiden's getting roasted this is your roast man I thought of a funny thing because we do have a night off

before the Vietnam show because of that war would be to do a secret show in Cambodia on the night off and then just tell everyone we're in Vietnam all the time. We're in Vietnam the whole time. Hey, did you know the Doug Stano podcast is now available on Spotify? Spotify is making it easy for you to stream this podcast and many others like it on your mobile device, desktop app, and smart speaker.

I don't know what that is. I don't even know how to listen to this podcast. I have to do it live just to hear it at all. Open the app on mobile or desktop, click on the Browse channel, and then click on the Podcast section. Take us with you wherever you go. Thanks to Spotify. All right, Hennegan.

This is a new sponsor, but this is one that I like because we're Hennegan and I are on week two now of this Asian tour. And every time I fly, I try to load up with snacks. Usually it's trail mix or a lot of gummy bear shit. I go, I can't be eating this shit on a plane. But you can't take two weeks of hummus with you

when you're going to be confronted in a Saigon marketplace with rotting fish heads or something. I need some food I can bring on the plane that's going to sustain on a 14-hour plane ride and still be good when we're in goddamn Saigon in a sea of scooters where I don't want to cross the street. RX Bar is the sponsor. It's a whole food protein bar it's the thing i always thought like people like joe rogan would eat and he probably does but all those healthy people

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places they're actually very tasty oh i thought i turned you on to these fucking things no i thought i showed you something all right well uh myself i uh that because a lot of them have the almonds and the cashews, and I don't like those. And I think that's a mental thing with me. But they have the peanut ones. They have the two differences, just peanuts, like my trail mix, but without the fucking M&Ms that I have in my trail mix. There's no added sugar in these. They're good for you. You can sit on a plane getting drunk and you go, oh, I'm getting drunk on a 14-hour flight. I shouldn't be drinking

at this pace without having something to eat. Particularly protein. Anything, especially something that's good for you. So for my listeners that are drunks, that's good for you. So for my listeners that are drunks, hey, always eat before you drink. We've always preached that before you show up at my show. Eat before you drink. It stops you from being an asshole

or getting kicked off a flight. And if you can't wait for that vulgar fucking shit they're going to serve you on a flight if you get served food at all, like I did on a 14-hour flight from Seattle to Hong Kong to start this fucking thing, eating RX bars and then drinking until the Xanax kicked in. All right, here's some talking points. RX bars, core ingredients.

Well, I mean, what I find bizarre is that the talking point is it's simply like eating three egg whites, two dates, and six almonds. You're actually underselling the product. I would never eat three egg whites, two dates, and six almonds because it would be repulsive. You made it fantastic. Yeah, the RX bar is actually remarkably tasty. It's chewy and moist and very fulfilling. The other cute thing is they say throughout a lot of this read

that we can choose or choose not to read with no BS. They're all about the no BS. But they're counting on us. The way we count on RX bars to not give us added sugar, they're counting on us to say bullshit where they can't.

So there's no bullshit that's right there's no fucking bullshit with rx bars and you can even give them to your annoying friends who need either gluten-free or soy-free or dairy-free because they have none of that shit most annoying friends in the world you know wow you're eating this to be healthy i was just eating it so i don't throw up that whiskey sour with bad egg whites. Oh, wait, I shouldn't have said egg whites for it. Alright, we just had whiskey sours with

egg whites, and I was saying bad egg whites and copy that it is three egg whites. I shouldn't say bad egg whites, but it's true. I just didn't drink whiskey sours. J. Lee will never cut that out. RX bars come in 11 delicious flavor varieties. I've only seen like eight.

Well, again, I think shops stock what sells the most. And in my experience. No, I'm eating what fucking Chaley sent to the house. That's why. I'm sorry. That's why. I wasn't going to eat these. I wasn't even going to promote these until they were great on the plate.

I know, but maybe Chaley is only letting you have the less delicious ones because he's already pre-filtered them. No, he's already out of town. He's like, we're supposed to do this read, but we had to eat them first to make sure they're good. How secure is your doorstep? Well, I don't know. I don't know. There's three other flavors I haven't tried. I could only find two in a hurry before while i was packing that only had well what i can tell you is that from my experience of buying these delicious bars from

trader joe's i would go with the chocolate sea salt the peanut butter chocolate the coconut chocolate and possibly the blueberry all right well you just look google fucking the thing but first no just go buy the thing they are honestly very very tasty and good for you. For 25% off your first order, visit rxbar.com slash Stanhope and enter promo code Stanhope

at checkout. That's a couple of Stanhopes. And it's great for any number of occasions. Hey, they're good coming in, they're good coming out. I was going to say breakfast on the go, but I think you covered it there. Okay.

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Oh, there you go. Yeah, this is not a dude thing. I know a lot of dudes sell the Dollar Shave Club, but hey, the wife's the monkey, as Joey Diaz would call it. Yeah. Gonna trim the monkey, right? I get Dollar Shave Club. Oh, see? Al. Mrs. Al uses Dollar Shave Club

on her front butt. That's, uh... That's... You have to really trust your razor to have a seizure disorder. And go fiddling around down there with the old uvula. They do have a very sturdy handle. I guess that would come in.

You do rave about the handle of your Dollar Shave Club. I like it. I feel I'm a very manly man. Sometimes if my handle is not strong enough, I snap it in half when I'm shaving. But that's never once happened to me with Dollar Shave Club handles. Dollar Shave Club, tell us more about it. We're some copy on this. It's more than just razors.

It's better than shopping in a store. Well,ors. It's better than shopping in a store. Well, of course it's better than shopping at a store. Who wants to go to a fucking store to buy razors? Everything gets shipped to your house now. If you go to a store to buy razors, you're a fucking antique. You're a relic. You go to dollarshaveclub.com, and they send you the shit, and then you shave your face or your vagina or your

i'm gonna shave my ass crack before i go to asia because i'm afraid of the plumbing i've made it very clear i don't look forward to bad asian plumbing where i have to probably shit in a hole like i'm guessing at the airport you just they have holes and you just shit in them. There's not even a curtain around you. You just sit and squat and shit. I don't want all that wiry, tangly ass hair getting gummed up with whatever I'm eating over there, like those fetid bird carcasses and an egg. I've seen cooking shows. It's terrible. So I'm going to use Dollar Shave Club not only to shave my ass crack, but also get the one-wipe Charlies so I can smoothly wipe out that freshly groomed.

Use the shave butter when you shave your asshole, too. I haven't done it on my asshole, but I've done it on my face, and I bet it would feel good on your asshole who else who else pitches this who else sells dollar shave club to get the wiry ass hairs that are just dingleberry fish hooks i they i get the dollar shave club and sometimes they give you a little booklet in there, and it's just so you can read stuff while you're shitting in case you left your phone in the other room. Really? Yeah, and it's got little bathroom minutes or something it's called.

Becker would like it. It's got a lot of trivia shit in it. I don't remember it because I smoke a lot of weed, but it's cool. I think a good segment would be squats and butthole shaving when you're preparing to go overseas. Because if you've been doing squats, you're talking about shaving your butthole. But the squat part is what I'd be worried about if I were you. I don't even think they do Kung Fu. I think they're just trying to find a place to go poop.

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at dollarshaveclub.com slash stanhope. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash stanhope. I got notes. You just fucking yell at these people all you want. I got notes.

Not a lot of shit. This is what happened. I got here a week ago. And so this is really what happened in the last week. Hong Kong, we got in on a Monday night for a Thursday show. So the Monday

night, I just drank duty-free booze in my room and smoked cigarettes on the balcony. Tuesday morning, I went outside, but it was cold and windy, so I just went around the block and went right back inside and decided not to leave until the show on Thursday. Smoking cigarettes, drinking, looking at Hong Kong. And then I got here, and again, another nice hotel with a balcony a couple days ago, and I've been smoking cigarettes in Singapore looking down. I didn't really go.

It's nice weather, but it's a nice view. So that's what I've done. That's what I had prepared for this podcast. It's the week in Hong Kong and Singapore where I've done nothing other than two shows.

And if you ask me what Singapore was like, I would say, well, they have a lot of weddings and a lot of boats. Well, because you're at a fucking resort at a marina and you only stare at one place.

They have weddings and boats. But that's... What we're staying is a much cheaper hotel, thank God. So I'd trade you in a fucking second. Tonight when I was walking through the Chinatown district, there was a guy playing a light-up clarinet

with about 50 old ladies on the street dancing. That's the kind of shit I've been seeing on my walk. I'm going to steal that. There's your show. Ben, I remember his name was Ben, the guy that opened in Hong Kong after I'd been there on my fourth night, had never left the hotel except for my lap around the block. He went out, and he was a comic. He was a local guy, and he would point out a lot of things, and Hong Kong cab drivers suck,

and when Chinese people argue with you, they point the lot and Australians are like this and Japanese people are like that. And I go, I'm never going to leave a hotel for this tour. So when I go home and my friends ask me, how was it? I'm just going to steal his act.

Don't try to get a fucking cab in Kowloon, man. That's what I'll tell you, bud. Chinese people are like, fucking this. And then there's that lady playing the fucking whatever you said. I condemn you in the strongest possible terms. I condemn you in the strongest possible terms. Hello. Sometimes. Sam C. Turn possible terms. Hello.

Sometimes. Sam C. turned up. Hello, Sam. How you doing? Oh, Sam, you're the... Can we talk to you? Can we get you on mic? Okay, because I said I wasn't going to tell anyone what you did because I don't want to be a narc. You already told everybody he was gay.

No, I didn't. I alluded to it. I didn't. Didn't you? Oh, I just did. Sorry, man. I alluded to it. I didn't knock him out. My testimony will not stand up in a court of... So, how does this work? You are Singapore's only misguided comic. Yeah. I will never say anything bad about the great leader.

Martin and I are men of law and order, and he's a solicitor general, my friend Hennigan. We thought, because you make fun and joke about being gay, you're not really. In a country where it's illegal is this a country or a city it's a city state like Rome I looked it up on fucking Wikipedia

Rome is legal to be gay it was in college actually it's in the Vatican I'm not sure my argument is going to stand up in court your honor the pope said it was fine I don't know this is what happened you see how this seems like under-attended?

It's really over-attended because what we're doing for our great leader is we're fielding an intervention. So you're going to convert me tonight? Yes, because for the listener at home or wherever you are, it's illegal to be gay in Singapore. So basically what we're going to do is, much like when a child gets caught smoking and they have to smoke a whole pack of... Oh, this is the best day of my life. I get to suck off Jack Stanhope. This is going to be amazing.

Oh, it's going to take forever. You're going to have to suck me younger. Please welcome Aiden. I thought that we would do a conversion therapy like the Christians do, pray the gay

away, but since this is the Magners Singapore Comedy Festival, we thought we might cheer the queer out of you. Make you admit your faults. Okay. What happened? No, seriously.

This is a big thing where you're Singapore's... First of all, are you... Don't worry. Do what I do. Swallow and then speak. So, what's up? I've gotten whores in Costa Rica and a lot of times when you're drunk

you gotta think, fuck, is this legal? Because if I was a gay guy, I would go, oh, I'm more afraid of fucking a child than a dude. Because you look like you're 14, but you look like you've won every spelling bee since you were 8. Yes. You're not fucking wrong there.

I actually was a government scholar for Singapore before I just gave it up to do comedy. Okay. A government scholar? What does that involve? Just being smart and lying to the government about being gay. Oh. Yeah.

But explain that more. Yes. So I was like... It's a government scholar. So that means the government pays for your education, and then you have to work for the government, and then eventually one day be part of the government and be a minister or something.

Wow. This sounds like some Kim Jong shit. No one's... There's no, like... Because this won't go out until we're safe on the shores. Oh, God. Except he lives here. Sam lives here. Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I'll marry you to get you in the country.

Yay! I always wanted a white husband. Alright, how does this start? How old are you? I'm 25 this year. Oh, shit is on the way, Kim. Oh, yeah, but you can't do that age game with Asians. No.

I thought you were going to say we're gay guys because you hurt their feelings. You get their age too old. Gay guys don't have feelings. That's why they can take it in the ass so easy. Oh, that's so fucking sorry. That's putt-putt golf right there, right? It is true, but still.

Let's get serious for a minute and then we'll fucking wail on it. All right, so you started comedy at what age? 19. How long before you went, all right, fucking, I'm Alright, so you started comedy at what age? 19. And this is... How long before you went, alright, fuck it, I'm going full-bore comedy

and full-bore gay? I went full-bore gay earlier before I went full-bore comic. No, I mean openly. Yeah, openly. It was within the first year, I just realized I had to tell people I was gay because I was going on stage just going like, oh, I like vagina women, am I right? And it just was clearly not working for me or the audience.

They could tell. It is quite obvious. Dane Cook? Oh, no, it would be quite obvious if he went, oh, I can't get no lady. All right. I want to ask this. I got to back up because I was asking Brian like he would know. Ben, who opened for us in Hong Kong, is an Asian guy.

And as he's doing the Chinese poke when they argue and the bad cabs and Japanese, he did an American accent that was spot on. And I thought, if I did an Asian accent in America, that would be considered racist, no matter how good it was. But would me doing an Asian accent on stage, if I'm not doing it in a racist way, would that be considered, would people frown on you for doing that on stage? And they go, oh, oh wow he sounds just like sam it would still be racist i'm not i'm talking to fucking asian people and there's three and no one's talking back to me oh why don't you let sam answer it's all in context i would say i mean genuine i mean people

are always gonna get hurt feelings of butthurt regardless of the situation as long as you find it it good and it's funny, and it's probably going to be funny because it's you, I'd say just go ahead. No, like, Hennigan can do an American accent that before he got citizenship, he would pull at the border just doing, yeah, yeah. But he won't do it for us ever. Really? And we would love to hear. Oh, Brian.

He was, you don't really think this is pressure? No. I was just curious if we're in a country where we're the minority, if people wouldn't applaud the same way. Oh, he does a great Asian. I think that there's a situation. We have a comic that used to be here who is Australian and he just did jokes

ripping into all the Asian races like the Malay the Chinese and Indians and we loved it we find it hilarious but when he went back

to Australia they labelled him like a racist and offensive and you can't do that but the thing was he was laughing with us not at us

and we thought it was fine yeah Jonathan yeah I know but what was that he is a racist It was fine. It's Jonathan. Yeah, it's Jonathan. I'm going to talk to that guy. I know, but... I'm sorry, what was that? He is a racist.

He is a racist. All right, so... In the context of the joke. In this context. All Australians are racists. Hang on, I'm going back there on Monday. That's a very good point. Honestly, when I last played Australia,

I would make reference to how yeah and evidently you guys are all racist and they would cheer almost do a wave of how racist they are which used to be even a little bit funny but now i have like on twitter i have Trump people that follow me. And I'm like, I don't know what I... At what point... Anyway, back to you. How does your day go on a day-to-day basis? What's your life like? I wake up way too late after drinking too much and go perform comedy and work part-time in a comedy bar

and attempt to become a proper full-time comedian. What do you do? We get a backup. and work part-time in a comedy bar and then attempt to become a proper full-time comedian. What do you do? We're going to talk. We're going to back up. For the listeners, you have to explain the laws in Singapore. It is illegal

to have any man, like, to be homosexual. It's also illegal to talk about it in public because it can be categorized as

homosexual propaganda. Recruiting. Yeah. Kind of like gay communism. It's so made, propaganda. Recruiting? Yeah. Kind of like gay communism. Sold me, but... Yeah. Wow.

And you can't really speak about it and I haven't been arrested yet. Because not a lot of people are coming to your shows, probably.

But that's a serious question. No, it's true. I have less Facebook likes than the Facebook group that are against homosexuals in. No, it's true. I have less Facebook likes than the Facebook group that are against homosexuals in Singapore. So it's wonderful. When I wake up every day,

I try to check that. What are they called? Let me get them on my Facebook. We are against pink dots. I've been blocked by the Creationist Museum. Really? Yeah. I'm currently blocked by the Creationist Museum,

the NRA. You're going to have to move the mic a little closer to your face because that beard is muffling. Okay, yeah. So I take it

as a good thing to be blocked by the Creations Museum. I think it's a positive step. What can you face for jail time, seriously?

Two years. Just for talking about it? Yeah. Or I can get deported as well, which has happened in the past. Oh, wait. What kind of Asian are you? I don't fucking know.

Chinese. Chinese with a little bit of Malay in me. So they could send you to China? So they could send you to a little part of Malaysia or all of China? Yeah, basically that. Go back home to the mainland, basically. When was the last time

such a punishment was handed out to someone? Oh, it's a bit of a hard one because there's some back home to the mainland, basically. When was the last time such a punishment was handed out to someone? Ooh, it's a bit of a hard one, because there's some people that worshipped off, but then it was for political reasons, not for homosexual reasons, but they won't specifically say it's for homosexual reasons. It's very grey in Singapore, and if there

are, we wouldn't know about it. Do you feel under threat on a daily basis? Sometimes, yes. Sometimes no. It's just whether I have to... Honestly, I don't know when it's going to happen. It may never happen. I'm going to be very lucky and they're just like,

oh, we don't really care about the gay people but if one day they suddenly need to win votes or inspire the people, I'm the first one to go to the shopping block. You're good with that? Good taking one for the team? I have heavy depression so I don't mind.

If I die, I die for a good cause. But if you don't die, you could have a fantastic Edinburgh Friends show. Yeah, that's like a solid hour. When you say two years,

is the... Yeah, and maybe four, if I'm not wrong, four to six strokes of the cane. Six strokes of the cane. But do they really fuck with you and send you to a women's prison?

See, I know gay guys that six strokes of the cans just a Saturday night. Yeah, I Come on the fourth and make a bucket Are you eligible to apply for any sort of protection? No, we have tried. It doesn't work because we're not technically jailing them. We're not arresting them. We're not harassing them. We're not aware of it, so it's perfect.

We're not under threat in that sense. Do you know anyone that's in jail for queerdom? No, but we know people that have been charged along with, like there were some cases where two guys were doing it

in the toilet somewhere, which is a tale as old as time. But instead of getting arrested for public, it's gay culture. People get arrested, like gay people do it

in toilets all over town. Anywhere you go, there's probably two dudes fucking in a toilet somewhere. Probably right here, right now. Oh, I guess it's because the rental

property is so high you don't have apartments you can afford you have to go to public toilets which still are like 30 bucks an hour what's he called

Turing what's the guy Turing Alan Turing yeah Alan Turing got busted in a toilet in Manchester yeah

broke gay sex the guy that broke the Enigma code. Invented the internet. Yeah, got chemically castrated for it. You heard of this guy? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's not a recent one. No, no. That's a while ago. After the war. I thought it was a comic. I go, I know that name. Remember his hours? Fantastic.

No, but it's my life, I guess. So, where are you at in your career? Your comedy career? I get to feature for people like Martin I guess. And you're about to do a headline? You've got a headline gig. Yeah, I'm doing a tour in May and I've headlined just small spots here and there. Doing my first 20 to 25.

Wait, so you're in the Singapore Comedy Festival? Yeah, I'm one of the comedians. He's the gay section. Hang on, what does that lanyard say around your neck? It says Autist. No, look a little higher. Man. Very top.

What does that say? Magnus? Magnus! Put that fucking Guinness away! Magnus! Magnus! We're probably at the 20-minute mark. We're going to take a quick break,

and we're going to do a quick commercial. Pause, click. Hey, has anyone ever drank a Magners? I love Magners. After a hard day of sucking dick, I just need to wash it down with a great glass of Magners. Apple cider, original flavor. Fagners makes the shame go away. I just need to wash it down with a great glass of Magnus apple cider. Original flavor.

Magnus makes the shame go away. And for those special times when you're sucking cum out of a man's asshole, Magnus pear cider. For that refreshing taste of Christmas in your mouth. It's the vulture's choice. Magnus. Oh, I'm so not getting books next year Hey, are you a hardcore alcoholic? Start around 5, but it's only 2 in the afternoon and you're bored

Magners is the perfect drink to drink when you don't really drink I'm not really drinking. It's only a Magners. I'm going to have seven pints of these before I start my hardcore whiskey drinking. Magners. But does it make you, does Magners make you gay? No, Magners will turn you straight as approved by the Singapore government. Okay. Magners made me do it. Alright, we're going to get back to your gayness.

But, Martin, you were... I'm gay as well. If it's going to fuck this government, I'm gay as well. Is that why you quit drinking? Is that why you quit drinking? Because you were talking about that Mexico City story downstairs. I am? You were listening to everything.

Yeah. Are you working for the fucking government? I'm with the Roomba and the Droid and the... We're at the W Hotel and I'm in this... They put me in this giant fucking suite that's completely unnecessary. It's all windows, I think, when you think about it. And so these window washers come down and they look like the jackboot fucking Nazis. The movie Brazil where they crash through at the end.

They're on ropes and they're masked and they thump, thump and I'm like, it's all fucking windows. Fortunately I wasn't jerking off or anything, but still. And then they have the Roombas and the quarters.

They're robot vacuum cleaners and they look like some kind of science fiction shit. And then today, I'm telling Brian, I go, they're watching us everywhere we go. They got the fucking Nazis coming down the windows. They got this fucking weird robot that follows us in the hallway. And then today, a drone. We're on the fifth floor and a drone comes up and it just sits right outside the balcony where i smoke and

i'm going i'm saying it's the fucking vacuum cleaner the drone and this is before you even spoke to the gay guy yeah he knew it was coming they know i guess they well when we get to hong kong going through the airport they didn't fuck with our luggage or ask us any questions, but one woman came up with this Bugs Bunny looking ray gun and pointed it and took my temperature, I find out. I thought she was going to steal my brain, but it went, shoot.

So I think she stole my thoughts about young boys. Yeah. Very thin young boys. I understand the other bats, but what's the drone doing? I understand the other bats, but what was the drone doing? I don't know. It's a fucking resort. So it was some asshole on a yacht.

Oh, I got you. With his kid playing. But it was right outside our window, so you get paranoid during the day. You know that big guy that came up before that's the superfan guy? I reckon he's the drone guy. He might be. I reckon it was a frisbee and that big guy. I think that's Chad Shank in black face.

Purple face. I don't know. Anyway, but seriously, you were a hardcore drinker guy. Irish. I was Aiden up to a certain point. Wow.

I thought I threw that in just because Aiden tripped and off again. Aiden doesn't. You were talking about trying to beat down an entire bouncer staff in Mexico City where I know there's not even a gig there. So, yeah, so it was. We were talking about notebooks, weren't we? You were telling me you had a notebook. When you lose a notebook, it's the most heartbreaking thing in your life.

So I got mugged once in a strip club in Mexico City. And I tried to fight them. I was drinking tequila. I tried to fight them, and they were all quite little. So at the start, they were quite easy to drop, but there was just quite a lot of them. So eventually they sort of overwhelmed me. And they took my watch and a wallet with like 20 bucks on it, but they took my notebook with that year's show,

which is precious. But Doug said he's seen some Mexican guy doing that show. Wait, was this a turning point? You thought, I better stop drinking? Oh, no, fuck no. I drank for years after that. Oh, right. Yeah.

What was your final straw? I started having blackouts all the time. And it was just, it seemed like a waste of money. When I couldn't remember any of the things I was doing. I did two weeks sober warming up for this tour. Like vaguely sober. I drink enough. This tour.

Yeah. Not drink enough. This tour. Yeah. Not. Yeah. But quit smoking completely and then vaguely drank enough so I don't have a seizure going 60 to zero. And when you get sober like that, when you're a daily drinker, it's like you add an extra day into your day. Yeah, yeah. All right.

Generally, I start drinking at five. I go to bed at a fucking midnight. That's a whole other day that I usually don't remember. Did you have any days with no drinking at all? Yes. I had the first four, and then I was worried that you can seizure up. Yeah, yeah. One of my mates recently was really getting out of control and I got took to hospital because he collapsed and stuff.

And the doctor actually said, don't stop drinking. But gradually cut back because he just stopped the seizure. Well, yeah, I was never at a point of collapsing. But, yeah, you get the fucking booze shakes where you're spilling coffee on your hand and go, all right, I shouldn't have hot beverages for a little while. But I felt fine. I wasn't taking Xanax to sleep, which I only take minimal amounts.

I wasn't drinking at all for the first four days. And I go, all these people that die and have seizures, did they think, hey, I feel really good? I've been walking my dogs and have a seizure because I had no issues at all and I felt way better. Maybe four days just was, maybe you drank so much that four days didn't even lower the level.

But on the fifth day it was only two, three drinks and the sixth day two and then one or two off. But yeah, two weeks of basically not drinking at all. You probably did the training for smoking in those hotel rooms. The smoking came back in a hurry. I did two weeks, and then, oh, my God, I'm right back to it. I don't want to leave the hotels.

Sit. Change spot. This goes nowhere. Get back to either being drunk or you being gay because you're carrying this podcast. Don't talk to Paris. Scoot. Scoot. Scoot Airlines. Hey, we're going to take a quick break to talk about Scoot Airlines. Scoot

Airlines where my only condition of this tour was I have to fly Delta or a Delta partner because I'm a mileage motherfucker. Well, Aiden Killian the genius behind this tour

oh you're you put us on Scoot Airlines and then Hannigan couldn't find where Scoot was anywhere aligned with Delta and Aiden said to you I think I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the screwed business class.

The only word that was wrong was the pleasantly. He was pleasantly, he was surprised and it was pleasant that he was right again. Screwed airlines. was pleasant that he was right again. Screwed airlines. And, yeah, at the Hong Kong airport, where they have no bar,

that particular terminal had no lubrication outside of a restaurant. And so we, that was fine. But then we got on board. I hate to be a cunt, but yes, we're flying first class. And Scoot has first class.

Have you ever seen a middle seat in first class? What the fuck? I wasn't in it. And then they have a menu. It's an 18-page menu. You know when a restaurant is complete shit like the cheese they have way too many options and you go none of these can be fresh if you have this many things this is on an airplane and everyone's ordering this shit and you're gonna go through pages and

they're pointing at different stuff and she gets to my seat and i go, yeah, I'll have the, uh, like a fucking ham and cheese club sandwich on the, and she goes, no, you'll get this. She said, went to one page and one awful fucking meat thing. I go, but everyone, you have this. It's like 18, I can't have anything. I can't change anything I can't change no change you have this one it was rice and meat and the meat was this like boiled meat

that tasted like a child that died of leukemia it was like awful and it was oh Hannigan I go how did you get that oh she showed me

all these choices I go she told me I could use it. But we could have gone to the back page of the Scoot. We will tweet this. Actually, we should have this as the default photo of this podcast. But tweet it. Because for 16 Singapore dollars, we could have bought the Scoot Prosperity Bundle.

Which is how much you say something from either North Korea or the person that owns the local saloon in a Western from the 1800s. Oh, have you met Prosperity Bundle? What's in the Prosperity Bundle? Well, Prosperity Bundle, you enjoy $2 off when you buy any hot or light meal with a minute-made orange and a pineapple cake. Nice. So you pay $16 to get $2 off?

Yeah. Hey, stop fucking picking holes in the system. Don't worry, we'll do a Q&A in a little bit and we'll skip over you again. All right, we're back to the podcast. Do we have anything else? I had a bunch of notes. First of all, let me take a second

on the back side of the scoot advertisement. Social network. How do people find where you're doing gigs Martin Moore you're going to fucking make that low I don't really do social networking

I fucking do it constantly tell people where to find you Martin Moore M-O-R M-O-R Martin Moore Martin Moore? Martin Moore, yeah. I only, I have Facebook.

I only use Twitter, but I have one so he can, but you're on a bunch of shit. Instagram. Sam. I'm on Mr. Sam, C-M-R-S-A-M-S-E-E. Can you do that a little more English? Oh, yes, totally so. I am on Mr. Sam C. M. R. S. A. M. S. E. E. Can you do that a little more English?

Oh, yes, totally so. I am on certain accounts at Mr. M. R.'s S. A. M. S. E. E. Esquire. Sam constantly posts nude photographs of himself on Instagram. What's wrong with you? Instagram won't allow that. He has half new pictures Of himself on Instagram You cover up your nuts

With your hat And you're entirely naked And it scares me in public Does he really have Naked pictures on Instagram? I can't find it That's a horrible Horrible image

Yeah By the way If you guys want to Take pictures of this And tweet them At Doug Stanhope Or at Mr. Hennigan, then we'll have a default photo.

Oh, do it at Greg Chaley because he's the guy that's going to have to edit this and put it out. And if you can take a picture from back there, I'll take a picture of them. Will you? I put my eyes. Don't worry. I think Aiden's got it. He's probably texting sideways alright fucking Tom Rhodes

would be so fucking bummed out Tom Rhodes wanted to hey he's been busting my balls to come to these countries forever and I go you wouldn't like me there because I don't have any interests I don't want to do anything I don't want to see people

he's sobered up he doesn't smoke and I just this would be day 7 or 8 of him just watching me smoke and drink on a fucking hotel balcony like a fucking like a made it big Singapore Beverly

Hills get a marina instead of a I made it big Singapore, Beverly Hills, Billbilly. Get a marina instead of a dead lawn this time. Hey, smoothie. Come on, let's go see some fucking gold temples. What does Brian do all day? That was a note. While I'm sitting around on a fucking balcony, what do you do all day?

Because you don't go and do shit either, do you? I go to the gym. So you don't do anything. I go to the buffet and breakfast. Uh-huh. So you do nothing, too. But you seem more cultured. I deal with him. You deal with him? You yell at me when I'm trying to write

a fucking set list for a podcast and you go, oh, they can't figure out how to get to a fucking Place to get a fucking passport photo This is not helping me Keep going You go to the gym, Brian Yes They have a gym in your hotel

Yes My hotel that Matt booked me Has got a room With one of those big balls And two dumbbells They also have posters up telling you how you can use weights without the weights has got a room with one of those big balls and two dumbbells. They also have posters up telling you

how you can use weights without the weights. So what you're saying is it's a retro hipster gym. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, you're very lucky.

We have to have one of these gyms that has everything. Sam, have you been MeToo'd yet? As in have I MeToo'd someone

or have I... Hashtag MeToo'd yet? As in have I MeToo'd someone? Hashtag MeToo. Kind of. I was not expecting that answer, but go ahead. It's nothing major. I've just been molested and showed dick pics by a certain organizer before. It's not Matt or Aiden. They don't have Zoom functions on their phones Also, also

I would never have described Aiden as an organizer I was stuck touring with that man in Brunei For like four days and three nights And it was just the most racist Four days and three nights of my life It was just like rough We four days and three nights of my life. It was just rough. We were sharing a bed together, getting drunk. As another comic was just

randomly yelling the N-word out in public. It was just so weird. Wow. It's not as bad as some other tours he's booked. I'm going to leave you off the hook on this one. But that's a funny story. He booked a...

He booked a... My friends are... And no one listening to this is going to put it together. He booked a friend of ours to tour with a female comic who's dating the guy he stole her from? How does that work? Oh, not no.

Is this what I think it is? It is. That's who it is. She couldn't be with us tonight. She is with us tonight. Oh, fuck. She's here? Good, I was going to shit all over you. Oh, she doesn't want to come.

She didn't want to be on the podcast. I go, I'm going to tell that story then. Because I wasn't going to tell the story if you were going to be on the podcast. But then I said, fuck her. She doesn't want to be on it. I'll tell her. We'll have left time before she hears we talked about it. Well, good.

She's here, so I didn't say your name. I'm a good person. Is this an hour? Is this a podcast? Is this... We're going to do a Q&A. If you have some weird story you want to fist in. How was your day, Martin? It was good. I went to the museum.

I went to the gym with two dumbbells. And then I went to the museum and I had a tamper of mushrooms. That's been it. And then I saw some old ladies dancing in the street. What did you do today? I woke up. My ass was soft. I'm getting fucked last night. Not even a joke. Genuinely true.

You're telling the truth. For those who can't see his face, yes, he's telling the truth. And he's quite pleased, so he should be, man. Well played. The gentleman was impressive.

And I went for infiltrating... Well, now we know who the event organizer is that you got me-too'd by. No? No, not anyone in this room. Do you know I get, if that's what it is,

me-too'd. I get dick pics every day on Instagram. I apologize for that for myself. Yeah, I like the movie. Do you know what I get, if that's what it is, me too. I get dick pics every day on Instagram. I apologize for that for myself. Yeah, I like them. Are you serious? Oh, yeah, every day. Every day on dick pics. From the S&M community.

People because they... Are you part of that? No, no, not even remotely. I've got a fitness site that I put up naked pictures on, as Sam says. Gym pictures. And every day, gay guys send me a hello, daddy. Why don't you just stop putting up fitness pictures? Because who wants to see that?

Like, that would be as gross to me as a dick pic, is seeing you, a 55-year-old straggly fucking biker, Mad Max guy, flexing. Now, you've said this on your podcast, those guys will now send me more dick pics. What you described there is exactly what they want. You just pimped them out to BDSM people. This is fantastic. Yeah, yeah.

In Manchester, there used to be a famous nightclub called the Hacienda in the 90s. Factory. And there was a gay and lesbian at night

on, and I used to do shows there. We used to put on shows. And one night, a little S&M guy kept following me around and he was like wearing the leather things

that they wear. I'm guessing he was the M. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was being really annoying. He kept pulling on my shirt and it was really annoying. Eventually, yeah, yeah. He was being really annoying. He kept pulling on my shirt. Eventually, I kind of cracked. I went, look, mate, just fuck off.

Afterwards, I felt bad about it. I said to my gay friend, I said, I'm really feeling bad. He goes, no, that guy would have loved that. Do you have a weird fetish? There's a gay comic that we know in the States that's closeted to... He's closeted like Louis C.K. was closeted

about jerking off in front of the gals. Like, everyone knows he's gay but he has a weird bear fetish. Do you have like a weird fetish for guys that... I haven't discovered it yet. I've been genuinely trying. I have been trying. So, no.

Marlon, put it down. Why are your nipples pierced? That was... That's hashtag me too. Is that... You want to stand up? Me too. Me too.

You want to stand up and show that chest to the crowd. You can't just... No, show that. Well, I've got my stone double just over here because he's easier to see. You want a test off you want

pull it up no it's not bad this guy this guy beats you show that i think it's because your hair is closer to the color of your skin that is just thank you so much how much is 10 singapore dollars worth because sam just reached me three times. Oh, he's supposed to stick this into my underwear. I know what it's worth. It's worth a mini bar Sapporo with a $1 tip. Okay. See, I can do math.

I'm flattered. All right, let's do a quick Q&A if you really have a cue. No one? Any questions? Because I don't mind shutting this motherfucker down going to smoke cigarettes. Good.

That is okay. Pow. That's pow. I just wanted to ask one of your bits was that I just want to ask one of your bits was you said that you went up to Joe Rogan's Scarface Mansion

when you were writing for the Man Show. Yep. And you guys did DMT. And then you mentioned, would you mind going through what you saw? I've done that on so many podcasts, my own, Rogan's, and on stage. No, it's too hard to, and it doesn't ever, there's no payoff because you're trying to, if you've even done Acid, which is low-rent DMT,

you can't explain a trip to people. I tried my best, and still, you had to be there. So, what we just discovered yesterday, Brian Aylward was here. He's a Canadian comedian. In Thailand, you can buy peyote. You can just go and buy peyote. So, nip across and have a peyote.

Apparently, yeah, just in shops. It's what you're going to do because of it that's going to get you put in prison and have your hands chopped off. I'm very close to the boat. Yeah, I'll have some drinks with you, but I'll drink a Magner's.

A Magner's. Cop says, sir, you've been drinking? Only some Magner's? You're fine to drive then. Have a great night. Magner's, hey, you guys were my Magners moment.

We're going to plug the place. McGintigans. McGintigans? Is that a real fucking... McGintigans. McGintigans. McGintigans. That's a fucking Irish place in Singapore.

Find it. What are you, coming here soon? Stay at the W Hotel and stay with the stars. Yeah. We have a full gym. There's a lot of gym, a lot of kids. Do you like Asia? I would definitely come back to Singapore.

I'm actually really... I will never leave the hotel still, but it will be a hotel closer to the bars down here. Will you spend an evening with me? I will. So, where's your number? That'll be $50. Here.

You know what? Everybody. You know what? You go first and we'll follow behind. When you talk to Sam, it's okay. Sam is Asian, but it's okay to call him the yellow devil if you tickle him in the belly while you do it. Who's the little yellow devil?

You're the little yellow devil. All right. Let's kill this before it grows. Thank you guys very much. Thank you, Sam. Thank you, Martin, Brian Hennigan. And let's go smoke your cigarette, and then I'll come right back up, and I'll sign your books or your genitals or whatever you need.

We'll wrestle Sam for his dignity. Thank you very much. Thank you. How long was that? Let's do, um, let's do. All right, perfect. Let's do, um, put it up a bit. Oh, Brian.

You want to get in there? Oh, yeah, Brian, get him in his mouth. Of course. Yeah, basically, go this way so we're looking in the light. Yeah. Gary. Jesus, you're aging, you shit. I'm a killing one.

Gary's birthday today. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Oh, no, eight was wrong. It's tomorrow. to you. Oh, no. It was wrong. It's tomorrow. Thank you. Happy birthday. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.