The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #250: Doug's $12,000 Asian BooBoo

Episode Date: March 28, 2018

Doug explains to Chad and Becker the finish to his Asian tour and the hefty price before landing back in the states. Recorded Mar 25th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Mat Becker (@houdini357) and Johnathan. Produced by Jobi and Johnathan. Edited by Chaille (@gregchaille). This episode is sponsored by Spotify - The Doug Stanhope Podcast is now available on Spotify. Open the app on mobile or desktop, click on the "browse" channel, and then click on the "podcast" section. Visit Red Bone on Subway Street in Old Bisbee. Closing song “Menopause”, by One Foot In The Grave from the Desert Local News May 29, 2010\. Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adji1leSw5U Chad Shank Voice Over info at www.AudioShank.com Support the Innocence Project - www.innocenceproject.org/Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast are we ready chaley would have already been taping go ahead hit that hit that in the mic chad you started out like that someone better get uh chad something to eat make him a waffle or something becker's here joe b's here chad shank's here and then cast of people that stare at us blankly while we do this podcast and make it feel unfunny all the time how bored they are it's a lot better when you don't have to see their faces when they're like that i know i get the wrong seat i get to look at the bored faces whispering can we leave can we just leave i don't want to open the door you open the door

uh hey thanks for uh thanks for tuning in i just got back from Asia. Here's a story that I told you I'd tell you when I get home. I called it my $10,000 boo-boo in Bangkok. I get the credit card bill. More like $12,000. Well, here's what, Chad, you know none of this story. No, I'm perplexed by all of this. I know Becker would be on my side because he's a paranoid, and I've learned a lot from him.

But you, what would you have done? We start the tour. I don't know if I had red flags immediately. I get there like three days early, which I need that to recover from a xanax flight in this case my last xanax because i wouldn't bring xanax on the tour i brought i brought i risked benadryl because as i said a million times in interviews and on podcasts i just don't want to go to fucking prison and a lot of uh those countries don't recognize your prescription. Well, it's legal.

Well, yeah, so is Chad's weed. That's legal here medicinally. But yeah, they're not going to recognize that. So I ate my last Xanax on the flight over to Hong Kong. Hong Kong and Singapore. Hong Kong and Singapore. The red flag was, I guess it was Hong Kong, where I had to do an interview in my room. Hannigan sets it up so I don't have to go anywhere. So this journalist and a photographer came to the room, and she's talking to me, and it was fine.

I was having happy hour hour cocktails and at some point she goes well i we should let you go because we go all right but why she goes well don't you have a press conference i don't know if i told this story on the other podcast from singapore but a press conference like with a bunch of microphones she goes yeah they said this was going to be a press conference and we only had one question so you better make it count and i'm like how are they what are they bullshitting press into and how desperate are they to sell tickets this is before my first show so i immediately oh, this is going to go downhill. But no, there was really good shows. But I only did two shows in my first nine days there.

And I only brought three books. And you can't watch TV there. Well, I mean, you can. Yeah. I did watch some version of fucking Singapore'sapore's uh greatest stars or singapore idol and it was always a bunch of like asian kids jump roping and i watched that for quite a while three men and what would have been a baby uh i get down i read two books i can't even remember there's one was the the tau of bill murray and it's just this compilation of all the times he's fucked with people doing the no one

will believe you if you know the bill murray legend he'll just like show up at your function and start bartending at your wedding. Come and take a bite out of your sandwich and leave. Yeah, no one will ever believe you. So I read two fun books, and now I'm down to the depressing one, which is called The New Jim Crow, and it's about the mass incarceration of black people, about the mass incarceration of black people,

making them another version of social, keeping the brothers down. But now they can say it's because of crime. It's not because of the color of their skin. They committed a crime. Well, yeah, everyone commits crimes. We've talked about this a million times. You can't drive down the street without breaking a fucking traffic law to get you pulled over so i'm reading this and i go i've only done two gigs i need another book and i don't know if i'm gonna be able to find one because i still got whatever

fucking 12 more days so i'm in singapore airport my best chance of getting a book in English. So I went down and they had a rack of like it was meant for me, locked up abroad type of shit. So I grabbed one called Escape by David McMillan, who was the only guy to ever escape from a Bangkok

prison. And Bangkok is three shows away, five days away, something like that. go okay i'll start reading this now it's fun i love a yeah a good uh locked up a broad story and i'm reading this book every waking minute because that's all there is to do and it's i, it was poorly written, but it's still it's a great story. And but the more I'm reading it, like all those laws, they told me, OK, you can't do this here. China, you can't do anything fucked up like never. You can do everything fucked up, actually, as long as you don't ever say anything bad about the government. the one what uh for bangkok was you can't uh make fun of the king or even mention the fact on stage that you can't that you can't make fun of the king like it's and as i'm reading this book

he's talking about how like i took it the same way hennigan when i first went to scotland would say uh don't ever confuse Scotland and England. They'll go batshit on you. So I'm thinking it's that level. He's talking about being in prison with people who spilled a guy who spilled a soft drink near the princess on a plane. So I don't want to Google the book until after I'm done because I've, I've read a lot of books like that where you afterwards they go, yeah, he made all that shit up like Papillon. You ever see the movie Papillon?

Hey, the guy made fucking most of that up. And I go, this is my only book until I have to get back to that fucking depressing one that I quit halfway through. So I get done with the book and i go immediately to google to find out oh yeah it's absolutely true and then i'm looking up they call them uh laissez-majester laws literally means something of offending the royalty. And now I'm starting to think, all right, how many times in interviews have I said, oh, I can't make fun of the king

when I'm over there. I can't even mention it. Well, the laws apply to anything you ever said anywhere about anything. I'm reading, like I go down a fucking rabbit hole of terror. I'm in fucking Vietnam. I'm in the hotel. I'm in the hotel.

You know the iconic picture of the last chopper out of Vietnam on the top of the hotel where the CIA, and there's like 800 people grasping, and they're just, we can only take 14. That's the bar I'm playing. that's the bar i'm playing like i'm in such a fucking warp state of paranoia now and every click of a link gets worse now i'm looking at people there was a guy that wrote a book fiction book but basically parodying the Thai royal family, where he had one paragraph that alluded to infidelity or something in the royal family.

Got three years in prison. Now, in Bangkok prisons, it's not like, oh, don't worry, my road manager will be here to bail me out in an hour. They go right to iron shackles on your legs. You don't get a lawyer or a translator. You get sentenced to three years and someone has to tell you

what happened afterwards because no one speaks English. There's no such thing as a not guilty verdict. So I just read this whole book i'm in a fucking state of paranoia now i read up on laissez-majester laws well they've since the recent fucking coup military coup they've made it even worse where if you ever said anything about a dead king who fucking won the melissa holden won death pool on the fucking king of thailand the old one that wouldn't die until two years ago

the death pool that carries your name yeah and it's not even mocking royalty from any era one guy went to prison i guess there's some lore where the king of siam and the king of whatever neighboring country they had a elephant race and one professor said yeah that probably didn't happen he went to fucking prison for years like the death pool thing and mocking uh royalty whatsoever the institution of royalty where if you google search doug stanhope royalty the first thing that comes up is a bit that i've done on a netflix special also did on charlie brookers going oh you have kings and queens what do you have princesses and fairies too and i'm like fucking terrified like we're gonna fly there in two days and i called brian to my room and i said i'm not going to bangkok i'm fucking canceling bangkok and brian's like well i'm not going to force you onto a plane, but you're going to have to tell the bookers.

I've already sold 600 fucking tickets. I go, it's not worth it. And then I get our point man, Adrian. He's a comic, but put the thing together with the other booker. And I got him down to the room and I'm like, no. And all of a sudden I sound like a jabbering Becker. You do. I mean, I would be afraid to have breakfast and go I can't believe this

isn't butter and then a crown shows up and you're going to jail and I was adamant and I go I know I'm fucking paranoid right now but it's still it's a risk I've already broken their law and i've i've never fucking canceled this show like that i would imagine too the laws are

subjectively enforced based on how prominent or do they think you have any money exactly and that was the thing is they go this will make headlines for us yeah yeah that we have rules here yeah that's the other foul-mouthed foreigner just welcome everything you're saying is what they were saying if they this is uh they enforce this politically it has nothing to do with you uh they it would be uh destroy their tourism and i'm like all right the book i just read they drug him into court that was supposed to be a private thing and they had all the press there like they want to promote the fact that you if this guy was dealing drugs obviously he wasn't doing stand-up comedy he wasn't just walking through the street shouting about the king i i said well that's all fine and good for you

to say that to me but i'm the guy taking the risk. I'm going to lose the money. I'm going to have to pay back all these tickets and pay you back. But I'm the guy that that's like my darkest. That's why I read these books. I read these fucking locked up because it's my fucking deep seated fear that I've said. And I'm also the guy that's promoted in Bangkok fucking newspapers

as this guy says everything. He's way out of line. Where do you draw the line? Bangkok prison. That's where. Khlong Prem prison. That's where I draw the fucking line. Well, somebody doesn't want to be a house comedian in Bangkok prison.

I wish someone would ask me to apologize doesn't apply to bangkok prison guards so elligan says well you don't have to make the decision today like well just tell them the show sold out so they're not still selling tickets that we're gonna have to refund well no we don't need to do that. So I do the show Vietnam. Sorry, when I said my head's in a different place, it was in Klong Prem prison. Fucking stories about the medical attention, like guys peeling worms out of infections

in trunk-sized thighs on a pencil. Just gently enough that the worm doesn't break in half because then it'll spread into even more worms uh yeah that that shit's in my head i didn't read an article i read a book at least it wasn't a pop-up book a scratch oh my god it's just a guy throwing his fucking head under a truck tire to kill himself because he has no chance of getting out this guy facing the death penalty for drugs yeah he had a lot of money and that's when aiden killian is a great comic he's the guy that our point man there dumb as fuck like I'm sure

he's not dumb as fuck he used to be a Japanese banker well he's not Japanese but he was a banker in Japan Aiden Killian is not a common Japanese name no and Asians are really good at math so why'd they hire him I'm sure

I've brought the you guys don't listen to the podcast but I'm sure I brought this up when You guys don't listen to the podcast, but I'm sure I brought this up when I was fucking with him on that last podcast with the gay Singapore kid. Some quotes from Aiden Killian was... Yeah, I played New York one time. It was in like 2010, 2000.

What year was 9-11? What year was 9-11? What year was 9-11? And I go, 2001. He goes, oh yeah, never mind. It was way later than that. Oh. Why did comics move to LA? Is that like where Hollywood is or something?

He says this with an Irish accent. Anyway, he's telling me things like, oh, you know, you'll get you out any situation in thailand it'll also get you into those same situations that was it they go they googled you this guy has the money to get himself out of it fuck him yeah yeah if they want to make an example of someone well i i fit a lot of bills and i i'm not going to take that risk of oh okay don't worry you're only going to do six months you you sound you sound exactly like me you've turned into me you're so scared you knew you were going to thailand You didn't Google it before you had. What happened?

No, I knew not to make fun of the king. I didn't know I couldn't have ever made fun of the institution of royalty ever in my life, much less publicly and loudly. Or had the king in a death pool that I'm sure we talked about on a podcast or two.

So you were rooting for the former king to die and you thought that was okay no i was rooting against it oh well there that might help you in court yeah eventually with a translator yeah so i'm okay the next day no now we have to fly to shanghai where everything's illegal but i I'm like, hey, I'm not doing it. Okay, this is how I'll handle it. And I said, got Hennigan to buy us flights directly to our last gig in Japan and Tokyo. And they're going to deal with the cleanup of Bangkok in the interim. I'll buy the extra hotels for the days we're not in bangkok

and then as we're leaving shanghai we're in the you know we're on a bus to another terminal on a tarmac and hennigan's saying well they have a a call set up with the u.s ambassador they're still trying to change my mind it's at 11 30 i go well our flight's at 11 15 so i can't do it that's the only time the ambassador can do it he's like well they're trying to work on the ambassador picking you up collecting you as they say at the airport the ambassador will collect you and then bring you back i I'm like, all right, if we should be in Bangkok, but it's too late. Our bags are checked. So we fly to Tokyo four hours from Shanghai, get off, collect our bags,

and then go immediately to the first tickets we can find back to Bangkok. Seven hours. How much did that cost? That's why I call it my $12,000 boo-boo. Wouldn't it have been cheaper to just cancel it? What? No, Doug was- About the same price.

Doug has never missed a gig. Not absolutely true. I've never missed a gig like that. I've never been too sick. I never had to already lang it where they're cutting my chest open. But the one time was when I had to film the Louis show.

And I canceled and came back, made it up. Yeah. No, that's different. When you first started off, you asked what I would do. I'm assuming there's still pay phones in this country. couldn't you call in a bomb threat to the venue where you were supposed to be and just get yourself out of it with

zero liability for yourself do you think they care that's i don't know i don't know what their but is their bomb threat alert always high i don't know what it's like in other countries yeah that's all right if when you get sentenced to death over there which is immediate like for like just having any kind of drugs they give you the death penalty then they drop it down and then it goes down to 30 years 90 years or 30 years but once you get the death penalty they don't just put the leg irons. And these are like Amistad 1800s leg irons. These aren't like the shit you see the orange fucking vestige school shooter in gentle leg irons. These are they weld them onto you.

They fucking weld them onto you and then they chain you to the floor. to you and then they chain you to the floor this is like the hardcore fucking medieval shit that i had just spent three days reading every fucking inch of go what you see my booze shakes in the morning what if i don't don't know she's a princess and i spill a coke you hesitated up to the point of no return and then went back yeah once they get an ambassador picking me up and now... Did they deliver you? I don't know if deliver you. They collect you and then deliver you in a, like a popemobile? No, they didn't do any of that shit.

But the fact that they were threatening to, I go, all right, I'm being a douche, I guess. But no, I'm still, I was still terrified. guess but no i'm still i was still terrified hennigan uh blames it on that that night before that flight in shanghai someone gave me a chinese xanax and he goes well you'd been two weeks without a xanax so i think you were a bit high strung i go it was the next day i heard those chinese xanax have lead in them be careful about those it got me to uh bangkok not without trepidation i did not i did not mill about in town or see the sights and uh it was a good show and then we had to get put on separate flights going out and i'm like oh fuck hennigan won't even know that I got arrested at the airport.

This is how the beginning of Locked Up Abroad starts. Yeah. With nothing to hide but my former bits. So, yeah, I didn't miss the gig. I knew a fucking million people were coming to Bangkok specifically probably because it's like

when you hear Bangkok people came from states, from Canada from other parts of Asia and it was the only real Stan Hopey show on the whole fucking thing because loud heckling talking back too drunk to be there ejections a lot of people thrown out it was like boise people and and then all the emails

where you hey sorry about the crowd what a bunch of dick now that's a general crowd it was every other person emailed you about the other dick. Yeah, it was a lot of hey, I got nothing against the king. I was picturing all the other guys coming up before you that are used to Stanhope almost bailed because he's afraid of making fun of the

king fucking with you because it's not even a big deal. And they're busy hooking him and just throwing him in a paddy wagon. Doug's like, the whole front row left. I wrote. I got to rest the Doug. Stano thinks the king is going to be here. He's all Hollywood.

I wrote this up to put on my website or whatever fucking comedy websites. It's way too long. And it sounds like fucking Lenny Bruce reading his court transcripts. But, uh, but yeah, no, I put in links.

All right. Before you want to fucking say I was a pussy, read this. You people liking a Facebook comment that was deemed inappropriate to the King for hitting the like button prison. I was with you from the beginning. Other countries are not the fucking same as us.

And you can't have the same cockiness we have here in other fucking countries. I only picked Costa Rica because they don't have a military. That means the local cops are in charge and you can always pay off the local based on what he's wearing sweater vest in the in the summer uh-oh he's gonna be expensive all right i get a piss well we don't uh yeah i i have i have kind of an ad to read it's not yeah i do have an ad to read let me piss first please hold hey did you know know the Doug Stanhope podcast is now available on Spotify? Spotify is making it easy for you to stream this podcast and others like it on your mobile

device, desktop app and smart speaker. Open the app on mobile or desktop. Click on the browse channel, then click on the podcast section. Take us with you wherever you go, thanks to Spotify. We are sponsored locally here in Bisbee. I say this as Chad Shank just had to ask an interloper to be on his way. But hey, if you come by the house

and you get thrown out by Chad Shank, go to Redbone. Because Redbone and Old Bisbee on Subway Street, Lucy St. John has a Doug Stanhope rack and a bingo rack of goofy clothes that we donated that way. And Bingo's new book. Bingo just did a book reading,

a signing up in Tucson. Tucson Mojo in Tucson, yeah. There you go. Eat the mic. Alright. Interviewed by Christine Levine. Mamu, yes. Our beautiful Mamu.

Yeah, she did fabulous. So at that store as well. But here, let's just fuck. Redbone in Bisbee now carries Bingo's book. Also, her CD, you can buy a package with her CD. It's a burned copy, but it's the only place you can get it, is at Redbone on Subway Street in Bisbee, as well as key chains, pendants with her logo, which I think is phenomenal. It's a dead baby bird with butterfly wings.

Actual photo. She found a dead baby bird, like fetal, and put it on butterfly wings. A dead butterfly. Beautiful. Yeah. That would be rude to do it to a live butterfly. Dead when it was over. The photo shoot was over. She also has temporary tattoos, pictures,

stickers, and she also told me other stuff she has coming up. Bingo started her own line of merchandise. Maybe she can just tweet or Facebook about her own line of merchandise maybe she can just tweet or facebook about her products so go to redbone buy one of my jackets one of her dresses and then 87 things and temporary tattoos how come we don't have temporary tattoos because you're not as cool as me all Alright. Anything make fun of the king of Thailand? Probably.

They can find a way. Alright, let's get back to this podcast. Alright, we're back to my press conference. I thought you and Hennigan would just hang out in the hotel, you'd smoke on the deck, and you'd play checkers in the doorway. And then you'd say, King me, and you'd go to jail.

You had a whole stake to think that up. Yep. What's your beef? Tour ends. Shit, I should have had this. Here it is. Here it is. Let me get to some hate mail. Oh, let me get to that i i left that off that one guy that got three years only did six months the

author that wrote a fictional book but had you know a crown prince and whatnot the one that got you all paranoid one of the many ones not the book i read no that was the guy that escaped oh gotcha down the rabbit hole of other people there's a whole bbc article i i linked in my write-up of the whole thing bbc did a thing how easy is it to get arrested for laws in thailand and it just tells you all the people, some people that put on a play that was also fictional, but it had a one-eyed king, which is like the dead king,

fucking prison, liking Facebook posts, just all this fucking ridiculous shit. That guy, the one that got three years, did six months for writing a fictional book that book sold seven copies seven copies yet they found it and then they're trying to tell me i'm being paranoid somehow they found one of seven copies of this fucking weird book and that guy's in prison for a piece of fiction I shit all over royalty

wouldn't it be horrible you're at court you're about to be sentenced and you know you sold seven copies and there's seven judges all sitting there they all pull up your book you go fuck I just found out every book I sold alright so the last gig after the bad beat and I got out alive.

Oh shit, wrong email. God damn it. I had to play Tokyo on the last night. That was the one place I was pretty sure that I wouldn't get arrested for anything, which made me believe that's where I'm going to get arrested on the last night.

My paranoia was in full bloom. Tokyo went fine as far as I know, except for one guy. Here's some hate mail from Salty Butthurt. Really phoned it in for Tokyo, huh? Wow. That's his subject. Stanhope fan for about a decade here. Never get a chance to see you live till now. Couldn't believe it when I saw you're coming to Tokyo. 8,000 yen was a shitload of money to me and a lot of other English teaching bums who live in Tokyo and went to your show on top of the expensive as fuck drinks in the venue. First of all, Tokyo is renowned for being expensive as fuck.

And you're a teacher there, and you just figured it out? But I would have paid any price to be there. So then you started like... It wasn't enough. Oh, wait, this is where... but I would have paid any price to be there. So then you started like... It wasn't enough. Oh, wait, this is where... And I might have fucked up on this. You might be right. So then you started like 15 minutes

after the build start time. Oh, my God. How fucking Axl Rose did I feel after getting out of Bangkok alive that I was 15 minutes after the build start time and then finished 20 minutes before the build end time now if you know anything about brown paper tickets it'll give you a start and end that's the end is usually when the bar closes or how long a band would play. I did way more than, I'm sure I did at least an hour, 10, hour, 20,

but it probably said eight to 11. They don't fucking know. So it was his first show of any kind ever? Yeah. Not only did I do that, I did no encore. I've seen you do that before no encore yeah when no one's asking for an encore and you already i don't do comedy does encores it'd be weird it'd be like you held back

just kidding that wasn't really my you know what i have a really good joke I wasn't going to tell you, but I'm going to because you're such a good crowd. Listen, is it just us? Let's talk about this king over here. I didn't even talk about the king in Japan when I was free and clear. I was waiting until I got fucking home. I tweeted that. I go, if I kiss the ground when i reach american soil it's

because i thought i saw xanax on the carpet i saw that he said uh uh you told us how little a fuck you gave about being there yeah that's kind of part of my act i don't give a fuck about comedy fan for a decade should know that generally i don't give a fuck if i'm there i give a fuck if i get out i was still giving you the benefit of the doubt at this point figuring it had been a rough tour or something but then the real kicker and this is the real kicker, and this is the real kicker, Salty Butthurt, was when security tried to bounce us all immediately after the show finished. Me and another dude asked if Doug might be popping out for a quick pick or meet, as he's known to do that with fans. known to do that with fans security dude said quote doug's policy is no pics with fans uh slash uh doesn't want him doesn't want freaks bothering him and bounced us i've never used the unless I was 13 and singing along with Rick James. I have no policy.

I just wasn't good. There's too many fucking people. Sometimes there's too many people. I get to go. I get a flight in the morning. You just wanted to come to fucking hang out with me. You didn't give a fuck about the show. Here we go.

Because he's not done. Oh, I didn't think a fuck about the show here we go because he's not done oh i didn't think he was done he seemed to have no problem with the suits and corporate looking fucks drinking near the side of the stage hanging around though hang on earlier you said he tried to bounce us all immediately after the show finished so he wasn't bouncing all of you, as you just said a sentence ago. He was bouncing you because he thought you were freaks. He probably never used the word freak because he wouldn't be quoting me. You're making this up because all these corporate fucks that aren't bitching about the fucking money. i know you're probably well off financially and don't have to give a fuck about the freaks who pay your fucking mortgage anymore mortgage is paid so yeah you're right on that

i don't have to give a fuck but from the way you talk on your podcast and you guys uh have all been on the podcast you know how i talk about this the way you talk on your podcast, and you guys have all been on the podcast, you know how I talk about this. The way you talk on your podcast about being delighted to meet with fans for pics, signings, etc., or take their calls, sometimes even staying to drink with them and chat the shit. It really seemed like you were a dude who gave a fuck. You know how I'm delighted? Yeah, I believe you were the one who came up with the idea of a cardboard cutout so you could leave before the end of the show,

wasn't it? So they could get pictures. I know pictures are very important. I don't know which podcast you're going to listen to. Yeah, I know the way you market yourself as the delighted guy. I say delighted and freaks very often. I'm delighted to

hang out with freaks. Is this guy English, did you say? I was, the way he said chat. Oh, sorry, just to let you know, Jonathan has sat in for Joby. Joby had to go. I assumed the way he said

chat, he was English. But he didn't say use favorite or color with an inappropriate U. Sorry, I couldn't tell. Is his name Salty Butthurt just for this email alone? Or is that like a screen name? Because I'm guessing this isn't the first thing he's bitched about. His email, I shouldn bitched about his email I shouldn't give out his email that's not

yeah but you should send it to Guns N' Roses it still gets fucking worse oh fuck I didn't realize he thought I was a dude who gave a fuck because I talk on my podcast about being delighted to hang out with fans and

listen to their stories he said uh shit i even would have shelled out a couple thousand more yen for the opportunity of a quick handshake you can't afford the picture i mean the uh the the ticket price and the expensive as fuck drinks but you would have paid thousands more yen for a quick handshake. Fuck a pic, he says. Fuck a pic, just a quick handshake. I'll pay you thousands of yen.

I'll do him one better right now. Buy This Is Not Fame, salty butthurt. There's an entire chapter about you in Stan Hope's book. Yep, you're that guy. Hang on,ty goes on. I still hold out hope that there was some extenuating circumstance

that explains what me and others in the crowd who haven't emailed get a lot of other emails, which I'm not reading, that they really enjoyed the show. But no, just you are the one I'm focused on, you fucking cunt. I'll fucking cut out your eyes with a grapefruit spoon. But you won't shake his hand?

Well, if the king demands it. That others in the crowd were so disappointed by it. But I guess I won't be getting a reply to this if it even gets read by anyone at all. They say never meet your heroes like many other counterculture figures am i that who lived too long maybe you just became the exact kind of phony bullshit you still make out like you stand against no i'm very open about the fact that i've become everyone that i fucking railed against in my youth. If this is all you have left, it's time to retire, Doug.

Fuck you. Sincerely, an ex-fan. So is that offer for thousands of yen for a handshake off the table? He vacillates way too much. I'm sorry that you came to make friends. Sometimes

it's just a fucking show. Well, you know what was weird, too, is he goes, then the show's over and they kicked us out. I don't know anywhere when the show's over they let you hang around. I mean, Woodstock, they kick you out when the show's over. First of all, I'm sure they didn't kick him out. It was a bar kind of establishment. I only saw it from the back. Just denied him access to you is kicking him out it was a bar kind of establishment i only saw it from the back

just denied him access to you yeah kicking him out kicked him out of standing by the green room door just just him though not the corporate fucks he says gotta hang out with the corporate fucks if If he listens to the podcast, he knows how much you like hanging out with corporate fucks. It's so hard to find a tie in Japan. There are parts to the whole tour and even the Bangkok story that I go, fuck that, I'm saving that for my act. I'm going to have to make back 12 grand a little at a time.

I was going to do some kind of PBS donation drive to sell merch to pay for this on this podcast. But Chaley's still not back to sell merch. So how much is a thousand yen? I'm just thinking it's 8,000 yen is like 80 bucks. Okay. So a thousand yen is 80 bucks. Okay, so 1,000 yen is 10 bucks. Okay, so $10 handshake should get you back. He said a couple thousand.

He did say a couple. Okay. Did he say handshake or handjob? I said shake, and that was the thing I thought was. I mean. God damn it. Hey, the good news is we now have room for a new fan. We can take one. Oh, in one out yeah uh and so

he's your blessed one we used to have a waiting list that went in order but people fall out people die they suicide they overdose they they go to prisons so we do it as a lottery system but uh please yeah email me at doug stanhope at hotmail.com you can use doug at doug stanhope that goes to doug stanhope at hotmail because i still use hotmail proudly and uh we'll we'll draw a new fan for the next podcast could you imagine if you were in thai prison and he was like in the prison too be like doug i'm your biggest fan you're like how can i avoid him for three years and that's your fucking one of your 85 cellmates in a 12-foot room just bitching about the conditions the entire

how tired are your leg irons i mean fuck come on man you're hanging out with the suits in the back of the prison i have gangrene for fuck's sake i going anywhere. Oh, all of a sudden you like these Thai ladyboys more than me. I've been listening to you since 2007. They don't even speak English. You'd rather be with a Thai ladyboy. I'd gladly give you my extra cricket ration at lunch for a handshake. Anything? Oh, Jesus.

I hope the King of Australia isia is way better because i gotta go oh i'm april i'm gonna tell you doug is don't bring your dogs when aiden who's opening henry phillip the dog right killian i loved being around you and it was fun and i i like to uh just goof on all of your fuck ups. But when you were trying to talk to me about how money can get us out of anything and like all Thai law, as though, you know, Thailand legalese. Yeah, I was going to say this is like the guy who told Johnny Depp in Australia. Now bring your dogs. They won't give a fuck.

What's the worst that could happen? Yeah, they're going to send your dogs back home is the worst. Well, they're dogs. You don't think we have dogs here? Come on, bring your dogs. They had them until happy hour. Oh, jeez. They don't eat dogs in Australia.

All right. Now I'm going to go to a good email. Do you have anything to do i don't know i haven't caught up with you at all chad no i don't even uh have anything at all what about your studio oh yeah jobe came over to help me put the walls in my studio i got it all painted uh got carpet coming in in the next week and then i can start answering emails from people who email me that want me to do voice work for them because i don't know what to say when i'm i want to do this i do but i can't right now i will though so uh yeah that's the only thing i have going but the countdown clock has started

that will be uh the velvet tones of all the emails soon oh yeah i'm gonna be uh pimping myself out here real soon it's about time someone emailed me uh remember i it's just a you know off the top of my head idea that gene gregor it's guy i told you i read a couple of his books now he's in prison but i thought hey that would be a fun one for you to maybe do an audio version of but he's in prison for uh 10 years now for fucking a 17 year old girl i didn't do a lot of uh case work on it i heard that it was a consensual she lied to him about her age happens a lot i know it it are you wondering if i would object morally to this no no i got another email i got was hey you unknowingly promoted this author on your podcast no you said that right away i was pretty sure i was open about that like i don't know the details and i

don't care i'm'm not promoting this guy. I'm just saying I read this book. Yeah, he sent me this lengthy email. It was weird to hear you promote an underground author, but there's so many better. And this guy raped a 17-year-old girl, and there's other people that you could promote, and this guy's a bag of shit and bubba.

So I just wrote back, I've also said on the podcast that I enjoy the movie Bad Santa. Do you enjoy that film? That's all I said without me having to explain. He did the legwork produced by Harvey Weinstein. And then he sent out an even longer one. I'm not someone who says you can't. But you are. disassociate.

Yeah, but you are saying that. And the other thing is he didn't suggest any other author that hasn't raped a 17-year-old. And Gregor is like, by all accounts, I mean, in his own voice, in his books, he's a pile of shit. But yeah, fucking Bukowski was too. Bukowski had a fucking, did you see the documentary Bukowski's, was it Born Like This?

Or Born Into This? Where he punches his wife in the face on camera. Oh yes, that's where all the kids, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's a bag of shit too. Yeah, and that took two takes. Yeah, I just deleted my twitter account to get away from uh self-righteous cunts you have them emailing you i'm fucking sorry to hear that it's it doesn't bother me it's just not none of it's affecting my career i Again, I wish you could kill my career so I could just sleep in. I can't do it myself.

Here's an email that Becker and I are especially fond of because we haven't heard from this guy. He kind of dropped off the face of the earth. We were with him in our early open Mikey days in Phoenix. And he emailed me once i had to search my email to like because the name wasn't familiar i guess he has a few different names he goes by now but in this one he put his real name joey skizzola in the subject the one he sent me in 2011 just said, Hey, can you, you want to write on my website?

It's just, I'll just take the stuff you put on your website and put it on mine. So, but I didn't, I didn't know this name. He didn't tell me his name. We knew him by, so I just dismissed it. But still it's,

I searched it and found it in my email. I never responded to it, but he writes now, Hey, Doug, I just want to let it in my email. I never responded to it. But he writes now, Hey, Doug, I just want to let you know as I am everyone, I am Christ, second coming and all that. For real, no joke. You know me, I'm not a liar. When you saw me in San Francisco walking the streets,

I was actually being distracted by Satan, to all caps, find my love. And it was maddening. Things were pretty tough for about 15 plus years as Satan was regularly fooling the shit out of me, but I knew it was a lie in my heart and always came back to the truth. You know, I didn't ask for this and I wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worst enemy, but things are going well right now as I have Satan on the ropes. I beat him down with logic. This is a true story. Pretty hard to believe though, huh? Well, I finally got someone from a church to listen to my story, hear the message,

and consider what I said. That is enough in the war I am fighting. As you don't have to believe for it to be true, you just have to be aware satan trick used against him so anyway thanks for quoting me i appreciate it later i quote joey skizzola in the book he's the one when i was giving advice to even younger comics said don't give anyone advice you're just trying to tell them how to be like you and i've quoted that a million times so i wrote back to joey skizzola and i said i always knew you'd do great things but i'll level with you i didn't see the christ thing coming you'd have to who'd have known joey motherfucking skizzola is jesus that's pretty strong i guess vegas is a real good place to be a lord and savior. He's in Vegas now.

But I imagine it would get bothersome. I mean, everyone in casinos, I mean, in casinos, who isn't praying? I bet sometimes you're all like, hey, buzz off. I'm on my break or whatever. I don't know how it works exactly. Anyway, thanks for sharing the good news. I always thought it was really cool that his mother was in a punk rock band uh called one foot in the grave uh you know i say elderly now but back then they were probably

younger than us but seemed elderly i said i always thought it was cool your mother was in a punk rock band i had i only known who your father was. But he wrote back, hey, my dad was an asshole, but dad, blah, blah. Thanks for getting back to me. I love you so much for not calling me nuts. Easter is going to be really special this year.

No fools, but a pagan new year. Also, I would appreciate it, if appropriate, to tell people I am back and realized my destiny with a little help from my friends love you baby if you see becker tell him hi hello joey joey skizzola aka john paul quilliard aka. E.J. Arecoviti. I can't remember the last one. Jesus de Cristo. Yes.

It's beautiful to hear from you. It's funny. When you say that, in the first email, he said, when you saw me in San Francisco walking the streets, I was actually being distracted by satan to find my love find my love all caps i saw him many years ago in a goodwill in san francisco and i like joey and he just acted like he didn't hear me and moved on and i've had this happen with people yeah in that first email that he sent in 2011 he said hey i had a tough time for years battling schizophrenia bipolar but i love the fact that

he's trying to find jesus the thrift store no but also the fact he did recognize you yes you were famous back then. Well, to him. I was famous from open mic days. But there's an old Becker joke. He goes, yeah, I found Jesus recently in storage. Reminds you, you got to label those boxes better. That's funny. That was back when we knew Joey Scazzola.

But yeah, Joey, I forget what the, I just remember the tagline to one of his early jokes back then. It's just some beef he had and it stays in my mind every time I'm thinking about killing people. He's just like, and then I just went to bed at night

and I was playing a little tiny imaginary music box ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding I need more bullets ding ding ding ding ding I need more bullets like plotting a murder I just remember how he did that all curled up with a little tiny

he was very entertaining we were talking the other night and we went through about 5 different bits he had that you just remember so i mean that's pretty that's longevity right there yeah he was the fucking king of the scene back then i hope he's uh doing well when uh victoria that fucking crazy chick i moved to phoenix for dumped me, and I was living at her mother's house or something, and I go, I don't have a place to stay. And Joey, he was drunk at a comedy club, and he goes, you can stay with me.

It'll just be a couple hundred bucks rent or whatever. And then the next day when I called him on it, you could tell he was like, oh, yeah, did I say that? But I'm there like fucking Oscar Madison. He's like, you don't put food on the same shelf as detergents. I'm like, I don't fucking like, I live out of my car half the time. I don't think about shelves and what. It didn't last long.

But he's a funny fucking guy. joey skizzola is back he's doing well he asked me to tell you that and uh you can call him crazy but we live in a fucking world of crazy and hey if he's christ i told him a follow-up email hey if anyone ever calls you crazy for uh saying that you're christ just tell them that you're buddhist so you don't really hold christ in any real regard and that will at least shut him up for a minute he's still number one in my book we can always work with crazy i got a couple of thank yous some guy sent me a giant urn with my name on it. It says Papa Vodka Presents Doug Stanhope's Ashes. And then it has an old tagline to a bit that's like hugely inappropriate words

if you don't have it in context. So I can't even re-gift this or put it on eBay or keep it. Yeah, it's it's about having a big black cock in my mouth for a photograph that I could keep just because words don't matter. Well, you just put the words on it. Thank you for the. Yeah, I don't want that anywhere near me. thank you for the the yeah i don't want that anywhere near me i have too many people fucking trump followers that are following me on twitter like trump fanatics and i go what did i ever do oh shit like that these are people that just heard those words and have you talked on a podcast yet

about the guy that on twitter i saw i haven't talked to you about it but uh one of those guys that you're talking about heard you on a podcast say that and burned your fucking book in a fireplace the picture of it yeah remember oh since you don't like your fans and we're nazi trope supporters and he burned a bible and a fucking book the tip shit I know so but I appreciate the sentiment and the guy that brought jerky to the house and put it in the mailbox and didn't lurk around in a oh my god

that guy he's like what are you thinking and sitting out in the street for hours anyway thank you for leaving jerky and not sitting in front of my house in a weird van. It did have windows. Did have, yeah.

All right. I guess that's a podcast. Jonathan, thanks for sticking in for the Joby seat. That's quite a lot. Chad Shank. Press the button twice. Glad we got you out of bed. Sorry I fucked you over the other night no you're good i didn't want to be at home anyway i was glad to hang out for a few when i first got home from the uk there's a thing going on in town

with the american legion and trying to get the thing started and i had been up my fucking flight schedule and sleep schedule and I thought, this is a great idea. They need some voices to be heard. And I called everyone, which I don't remember. That's funny. And everyone came out and Chad drove all the way from fucking Hereford. Woke me up from a nap.

I know you probably don't want to come based on how many times your phone just rang is what you told me. No, I'll go. I want to go hang out with you guys. Evidently, it was and then I immediately went to sleep. I don't remember. Becker held it in.

We watched the chick fights last night. That was the chick fights. It was cornrows and camel toes. It was all girls, and God, that's boring. I mean, they would have two seconds of really enjoyable

fights, and then it was just hair pulling. The commentary is usually more fun than the fights on those. I missed the chick fights. I woke up for about four hours. I'm just now getting back on a decent schedule just in time to go to

Australia and fuck it all up again Australia Melbourne Tasmania which who can't fucking love saying hey I'm in Tasmania I'll probably tweet a lot from Tasmania because I think most people wouldn't even know where Tasmania is

it sounds dangerous what's the temperature gonna be like freezing from Tasmania because I think most people wouldn't even know where Tasmania is. It sounds dangerous. What's the temperature going to be like? Freezing fucking cold. That's the best. It's like you wouldn't even think of it. He finally Googles it after he books it. He Googles the king after he books it.

He Googles the weather after he books it. I know a song that we can close on if we're all done with the podcast. Oh, yeah. Canberra, Perth. Just look at my website. Everywhere that is anywhere except for Darwin. You guys didn't buy tickets, so we canceled it early. I want to go to Darwin.

I'll go there for vacation. Go ahead. What's the song? We're going to close out with Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy

birthday, dear Hope. Happy birthday to you. The fact that you sang it off key means we can't get sued for royalties. Thank you, good night. And how I got started was

my son is a stand-up comic. Joey Scazzola. He was a stand-up comic and he got a lot of awards and everything. And so I would go and watch him on stage and say, man, he gets paid for being up there for 15 minutes and having fun. I want to have fun.

So we started by, I said, okay, we'll do heavy metal. Because I didn't know what, you know, I have no talent. So I thought, okay, heavy metal, you just scream at people. And then I found out heavy metal and Satanism went hand in hand and I am NOT into that kind of thing so I said no not heavy metal and then I realized I used to go out and punk dancing to the Ramones music I love the Ramones and I had a partner that he had a girlfriend I had a boyfriend but neither one of them liked honking neither one of them liked to dance and we just needed the bars and pogo all over the place and dance all over the place.

And it was just really, really fun. So I said, okay, we'll do punk. Running hot, running cold I'm sick and tired of growing old Sex is a memory that will be rare I never gave him his sexual share Made home all too much frustration I don't care. They all go to the nightclub straight and say goodbye to my school. Remember, Angela is an educational... ANACON! ANACON! ...pick my son for my hot pot.

That bedroom was pointing out my room was bad. The house is a wreck, I don't care I got to sit around and hang underwear The song was just started on the second The prizes just stood all around I think I'm turning into a man Man of war! Man of war! Help me! I'm a bitch, bitch, bitch, and I don't know why

But I say I'm sorry and I'm just gonna cry Such a terror in my own home I'm about to struggle with my hormones I'm stuck in trouble with my hormones They have held me like a ship And I'm stuck filled with perspiration Never ended in alteration From anaphora, anaphora Running hot, running cold

I'm sick and tired of grown-ups Sex with yourself doesn't come from the ground You're not gonna sleep with a girl who doesn't have much hair Say hello to your husband Say goodbye to your story Thank you.