The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #251: Bingo Goes To The Library

Episode Date: March 30, 2018

Chad can't get a drink and Bingo shows the people of Bisbee that she can read AND write.Recorded Feb. 06th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Bingo (@BingoBingaman), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by Spotify - The Doug Stanhope Podcast is now available on Spotify. Open the app on mobile or desktop, click on the "browse" channel, and then click on the "podcast" section. [https://www.spotify.com/us/](https://www.spotify.com/us/)Closing song “Nature's An Asshole”, by Amy 'bingo' Bingaman. Available on Amazon - [https://amzn.to/2GVzGlG](https://amzn.to/2GVzGlG)LINKS:Chad Shank Voice Over info at [www.AudioShank.com](www.AudioShank.com)Support the Innocence Project - [www.innocenceproject.org](www.innocenceproject.org)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, did you know the Doug Stanhope podcast is now available on Spotify? Spotify is making it easy for you to stream this podcast and others like it on your mobile device, desktop app, and smart speaker. Open the app on mobile or desktop, click on the browse channel, then click on the podcast section. Take us with you wherever you go, thanks to Spotify. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Alright!

This night is all about bingo, so we'll make her wait. Chad Shank is here still seething with anger, and he didn't even really get into a fight. He had a cunty bartender. I just went out, and that's the problem. I should have went. I was going to go home right after the thing and I didn't.

For the listener, kill that volume. We went out to a library. Still Chad Shank. I had no problems at the library.

It was at the bar. Afterwards. Afterwards. And I went to get a drink. And it was a lot of people. It was very busy. Fred Armisen was bartending. Yeah, gayer Fred Armisen.

Less funny. So I figured it would take a little while except for he after a while it took too long i saw him going back to the same people already but he passed me up so like i'm doing the thing where you wave your money in the air because it's waited i've waited so long where i'm like i'm paying they love that i'm paying yeah because i was already pissed what the fuck i've done that at Best Buy with two hands full of money going, I want to buy things. No one will take my money.

You've also done that buying a car. Not land. It's a go-to move. Okay. You get old, you have catchphrases. Go ahead, Chad. I still was aggravated, but then he walked up to me

and looked at the old people next to me and was like, you guys ready for another? And they're like, yeah. And then he looked at me like a fucking dick while he got their glasses. He said to you, I'll be with you in a minute. That was the first time whenever I finally just spoke up because I was like, excuse me, sir. And he was like, I'll be with you in a minute.

That means he saw you waving money. That was before was i already knew it was a point of no return that's why i started waving money because i you know um so i just gave up and then because bingo came over and she's like get me one too and i'm like okay and i'm still standing there and he's still ignoring me so far i just i have to leave because this is your guys side when I'm smoking. You go, I got to leave. This is your guy's town. My next move was to reach across and just knock the fuck out of him and leave. Because I don't have a problem with that.

This is what's going to hurt you the most. Is when I settled up. I wanted to say something on your behalf, but you weren't there. So instead, I just overtipped. Like I knew you would. And then he said, thank you for bringing all these people here tonight. And I'm like, just shut your mouth. I live here.

I live here. I was very diplomatic. i didn't have unreasonable expectations i had to talk to cave maggie who i didn't recognize for a very awkward long amount of time so i know that it was a she's all combed out she might need a new wine out of a glass i was standing there order a drink and she's like hey chad and i was like oh fuck I didn't know who that was Smelly ratty fucking On purpose wouldn't Shower as a political Statement would stink on purpose

With filthy dreadlocks Now it's all combed out Flat ironed Maybe public assistance Maggie now I don't know So I left after We got out of there and then I had a couple of drinks. So Jenny drove to bring me over to get my truck.

How'd you piss her off? That was just by being me. I was already angry, and then as we hit the turnabout, there was a guy who did 18 miles an hour through the 25 all the way the whole way through that was derrick driving us home and and jenny's like what's the speed limit i'm like it's 25 just do 25 and so this guy so this guy keeps slamming on his brakes to be an asshole i'm leaning across jenny flashing the fucking lights i'm leaning out the window going Jenny's road. Pull the speed limiter! Pull the fuck over, motherfucker!

Jenny's driving. Jenny road rage is for you. Chad would flash the lights at this point. What do I do? And I go, all you have to do is pull over when they pull over. I got it. So they wouldn't pull over.

Finally they pulled over to their house, I guess it was. So I didn't want to pull over to their house. If I was driving, I would have, but I didn't want to make Jenny pull over. So they were still going where you were because they pulled off the roundabout when you did. All the way through the road, all the way up almost to the stop sign. Oh, wow. Yeah, past the hospital there. So it was a long way.

You were seething right up until we hit record, which I like. I was going to make a drink, and you said you'd make me one, and I still don't have one, so I'm still seething. She's got it. Vodka soda cranberry. It's not going to be your glass. I don't care. Yes, it is.

Oh, Buck and Mrs. Gump is getting her shit together. I got pulled over today driving from Hereford. You got pulled over? Yeah. It's fucking weird because I'm looking going, okay, you know where you're coming back from Sierra Vista and it's two lanes, two lanes, two lanes, and all of a sudden you go down that hill and it goes to one lane?

There's an RV in front of me going 18 miles an hour but in the two lane area and i go well if i just jump on a little here i'll get past him and i thought i was in a 60 zone so i was going about 65 to 68 right i was in a 55 drops to 50 50 yeah i was in what he said 55 and i go well i also didn't tell him I looked around I didn't fucking see you I'm looking he must have been backed into one of those lots or something because then he just followed me and I remember Morgan Murphy just got pulled over two weeks

ago and I'm like oh this is yeah and so sheriff sheriff young kid and I go oh yeah I remember you aren't you the one who pulled us over coming out of naco but it wasn't but he looks so young and i'm like hey right we're and he's like that wasn't me license and registration and then it turns out uh he told me he's you know 68 and i was really a 50

and i go i didn't know what I meant was I didn't see you And I was just trying to get ahead of that RV Because I didn't want to be stuck here And then try to pass And he goes, alright, comes back And he goes, that was Officer Whitfield Who pulled you over in NACO Because I was Stan Hope

And I didn't want to go into You know, you did all the DUI tests on all of us I didn't want to get too into I'm sure we talked about this on an earlier podcast. We did, yeah. If you don't know it, we'll catch up on it. But yeah, I got pulled over, and luckily I didn't have to... I think it might have been because I had a local driver's license, local plates.

Morgan had an LA license. No, she has a new truck with new tags like fake new car waiting for my plates tags. But she got a fucking five miles over the speed limit ticket where you go just fight it.

I was 18 according to him. He said I was going 68 which, you know, I was right. That was about it. But I thought I was going 68, which, you know, I was right. That was about it. But I thought I was 65. Bingo did her book Q&A

what do you call it? Reading and signing. Yeah, a book reading. A book discussion and signing. At the library. Before Chad went apoplectic. Chad did not discussion and signing. At the library. Before Chad went apoplectic. Chad did not go

apeshit at the library. But the library's weird. We get there early to see the room. The room, if it was a comedy show, I would have just said, fuck it, I quit comedy. It's a library. Everyone's comedy. It's a library.

Everyone's nice. It's just not set up for a show. There's no stage. I didn't notice. Worse. You guys were in chairs lower than the folding chair audience. So like the second row audience, you guys

were lower than. The first row can see you and that's it. You look like you were standing like you were just kneeling in front of everyone. The good thing was it's all wooden floor. So there's acoustics all the way in the back. You could hear it. You know, you could hear well. We get there early.

We figure out Alex O'Meara, our friend who helped edit both of our books, and I are the co-commentators doing the Q&A with you. So I had those seats put together so Alex and I would have a good eyeline with you. That was before they set up the seats. I wasn't even acknowledging the fact that there's no PA. So I can bellow. Bingo, not so much. Alex held his own. He did great.

Very good. But in the hour that I have between, we see the venue. I got an hour to go drink over at the Grand across the street, smoking out front. Well, who is it? Tranny Danny. Who, if I haven't brought it up, during Christmas, I threw this fucking cocksucker.

He's just this fucking dirty problem in town. He's the guy that can't fight but will always try I'm the guy who can't fight and won't because I know it he doesn't know but he's an awful he sucker

punches people he'll beat up homeless people when they're fucking sleeping that kind of fucking mutant, vagrant, fucking addict piece of shit. But when Bingo had this place built originally, without my knowledge, when I was in the UK, she decided to have this entire fence built around four lots and all this shit I didn't know which was a fabulous idea I did not hire

Danny Tranny or Danny no but Shawnee hired some Danny the Tranny I did not Danny he needs a fucking need some hump work so Tranny Danny has shown up here a lot of times when no one's home. It looks like no one's home. And he just walks in.

And I've caught him. Oh, it's just my car broke down in the neighborhood. You don't live anywhere near this fucking neighborhood. But yeah, I was just seeing it what i helped build this fence which he always says and then one time when tom kanopka was here i was on the road he showed up walked in the dogs go ape shit especially for him ichabod knows tweakers. He is so alert when we've had parties here. Not parties. Memorials.

Russ Dunn. Whiskey Girl Nowhere Man. Memorials where you go, all right, Tranny Danny's here, but it's a memorial for dead people, so you gotta just... But all you do is you watch him. He's gonna steal your shit.

He's a fucking bag of shit like the lowest like heavy imagine like a lawn bag full of wet elephant shit where you're having to hold it up real high

so it doesn't drag across the gravel and start spilling elephant shit out. He's worse than that. This is where I have the hip pocket one. He shows up at Christmas, sticks his head over the fence. We've been drinking for days.

Our friend testing out some new mushrooms. He's gonna give them away for Christmas. Tranny Danny sticks his fucking head over the fence. Tranny Danny's not a tranny. He used to go out and dress up as a girl for the old Miss Bisbee pageant

and go, I dress up like a girl sometimes. Yeah, that's really hilarious. I've been on the lookout for a tranny this whole time, so I'm glad you cleared that up. Now he's all... No. He put on a dress and thought it was daring.

Such a fucking piece of shit. So he put his head over the fence. Hey, man! I go, get the fuck out of my house and don't ever come here. This fucking camera system is there just for you. We have fucking cameras just for you. And then he was, really?

He was impressed. For me? Yeah, you're a piece of shit. I you still man he fucked off haven't seen him since till tonight before bingo's show me and alex are going through the okay here's the beats this is what i got for the book and what do you have and i'm gonna do this gag then we'll do a one q a and then one later tranny danny i'm outside smoking outside of the grand well guess who it is bisbee's biggest poser and i fucking turned around as tranny danny he's like fuck you and i go fuck you you ever walk onto my fucking property unannounced again,

I'm going to fucking shoot you, and you'll be buried in the fucking desert. And he's like, fuck you. I never went under your property. I go, we have you on fucking tape. And we're fucking toe-to-toe, and I'm not a fighter. But I was already geared up for the show. So I'm ready to fight poorly.

This happened before my show. You didn't tell me this. I know. I didn't ready to fight poorly. This happened before my show? You didn't tell me this. I know. I didn't want to get in your head. This happened before the show. Fucking Alex and whoever are in the bar. Derek. I'm like, I'm yelling so loud.

I'm waiting for the two of you to come out and back me up. No. No. This is fucking daylight. I'm in front of the fucking window. The Grand has the biggest picture window I'm doing.

Fuck you. No one's coming to back me up. And he's like, Tranny Danny, known to swing on anyone no matter how badly he's gonna do he goes I'd punch you in the face but I don't

punch men and then he goes I mean I meant to say I don't punch women I go you really fucked up that's fucking funny and he goes yeah that's pretty funny and then we just laughed it off he goes alright hey I still love you have a great night i love you too

and it it devolved that quickly just because he tried to talk shit and he fucked it up so poorly cut to after bingo show smoking in front of the grand here comes tranny danny walk it up and i go i was i'd kiss you on the mouth but i don't kiss women all right i fucked up this time and we hugged it out and he walked off and then right after you left wanting to punch someone in the face he walked by again i missed him they go hey your friend's back gumps your. He walked by again. I missed him. They go, hey, your friend's back. Your friend just walked by again. I'm like, thank God Chad just left because Chad is looking for a reason.

And the bartender isn't good enough. But we've even had people that are close to law enforcement say, yeah, if he got killed we wouldn't do a lot of investigations. It's nice to be able to diffuse a problem. It seems like it worked out for everybody except me then.

This podcast is not about us or who should be dead. Last night, I was sure I could beat Gump at tennis. Oh. And I took a double dose of Xanax, Adderall. That's not good. Minutes before.

That's not good. No, no, it didn't kick into later. It did it minutes before. I was trying to take a quarter, but I couldn't break it because I couldn't see quite well because we had four bottles of champagne and then seven vodka drinks. But I'm like, fuck you, Gump. I'm going to fucking crush you. And we played tennis.

And I woke up feeling like I just got beaten really really badly sore you're sore because like I got the shit kicked out of me I'm pretty sure he beat you in tennis too so I was very glad that we got to smirk off that fucking

almost fisticuffs conversation you doubled down on Adderalluffs conversation you doubled down on adderall and then you doubled down on saraquel no i know i doubled down on xanax later okay i had a very bad hangover coming into bingo's book q and a signing Q&A signing, which went fantastically. Oh, well, thank you. You didn't even panic. We're in a comedy situation. The worst possible circumstances.

There's no PA. You have no voice to project. voice to project. Someone tried to steer me away from panicking by putting A1 sauce over toilet paper in the toilet to freak me the fuck out, which it did.

That's how you wanted me to calm down and think of that instead of my show. This is way before. This is early in the morning. I don't give a fuck. It happened. You know when you have a really... Like I can get that out of my head any time in the morning. I don't give a fuck. It happened. You know when you have a really... Like I can get that out of my head any time in the day, you fucking prick. You know sometimes

you have a really solid dump that keeps going and going and in your head you go, this must be some kind of Gila monster in the toilet. It's never as big as you think, but this was a thick one,

so I just left it waiting for Bingo. It's my new thing to do to Bingo is just leave giant turds in the toilet. It's amazing. I just wait. Sometimes you have to wait hours for the payoff, but eventually she's going to go in there and go, ah!

Ah! New York. We're in New York we're in New York that's not funny we're packing up hey we gotta get out of here we got 14 minutes to check out

I got my bag check the bathroom to see if there's anything I think I might have left something oh beautiful not funny and then B

B B where's she check in the sink check the shower and then... You're gross. Why did you do that to me?

So this morning, I had a fucking... A stool that felt like when you get done being raped in prison, and he finally pulls out of you. That kind of like, oh, like it's a beautiful evacuation where it's over. I had to squint and cry. But now it's out. He's pulling out of me. And I left that log in the toilet.

And then beat, beat, beat, wait. She goes in. So afterwards, the toilet paper, she flushed it, but the toilet paper, because when you take a dump that big and you're going to leave it

for your significant other. Yeah, so I'd wipe and throw it towards the front of the toilet so it's not covering the fucking prize. You'd be cheating yourself and her. Common sense, really. Well, so when she flushed, it didn't wash that toilet paper, so the toilet paper is still stuck there. She goes out of the room.

I have eaten breakfast. Clearly. A1 sauce on my eggs. So I pour A1 sauce all over the toilet paper that's still remaining and in the toilet, which is way grosser than the actual fucking turd I left. That's beautiful, the relationship you guys share.

Yeah, let's try in your toilet, Shaylee, and see how beautiful you think of it. No, I think this is really a new age kind of relationship. Oh, my God. Sharing your experiences, even in the bathroom. And then... My head, after two days of fucking solid drinking like I woke up day after Super Bowl

three days sir yeah but the day after I woke up still drunk and I go there's only one way to remedy this is to just power on and I made it through another day of solid drinking and then you still got solid is to just power on. And I made it through another day of solid drinking.

And then... You still got solid poops, huh? I'm impressed. No, that was the cork. I call it the champagne poop. Remember the prison sex analogy? Pulling out? The hard one came out giant and first.

And then after the A1 joke, I didn't even need to do the A1 joke because that giant cork poop had a champagne leftover. Where a splatter gasket. The A1 was so grossed out by your original poop, it was hard to. The one that I shit after that was real shit was like a bunch of horrible dietary choices in a loose fashion. Oh, God. Do I have to clean this? I don't know. Oh, no. We'll get to that.

You don't ever have to clean the toilet. Selena's going to do some housekeeping. We talked about this. Why are you looking at me? My name's not Selina. No, but I think we talked about this on the Drunken Super Bowl podcast. She's gonna do some housekeeping, but it just seems like a rude job

to ask someone to do for money. That's what you and your pets call a job. Get your fucking toilet. That is rude. Not the person getting money that needs a job doesn't think it's rude. That's kind of the contract. It's only rude if you don't pay them.

I didn't think I could trick you into it a third time, so I flushed the violent acrodiarrhea. Because we had to work on your book presentation. Yeah. So bingo. I go, all right, we have to do this thing. And weeks ahead of time, I've already planned Super Bowl Sunday. I will be incoherent on Monday.

I know this in December Tuesday we have to do her book reading at the library no problem but bingo Saturday can we work on this I go no I'm fixing food for tomorrow

can we work on it today no the game's on can we work on it today no I'm fixing food for tomorrow. Can we work on it today? No, the game's on. Can we work on it today? No, I'm still drunk from yesterday. We'll do it tomorrow. We'll be fine. So today we start beating it out. Alex comes over and we're beating out.

I'm going through your book. I've read her book twice just to read through it. twice just to read through it and today i'm trying to i said highlight the things that will remind you of something you want to talk about because you're not someone who loves to be on stage by any yeah or read right alone i'll tell you what chad shank who just went through a fucking audio book with me, I read way better tonight on stage under pressure than during a fucking audio session. You did great.

I fucking nailed it. If anybody in that whole audience noticed that you did not fuck up at all, it was me. I'm telling you. The whole time I was like, holy shit, that is a,

it was a really good time it's a good job out here after i took several shits that i made her walk in on then i practiced i did due diligence i did my fucking homework so to speak but i but i when i was going back through i'm just what uh looking at what she highlighted. I go, highlight what will bring up memories that you want to talk about off page. And they were all the darkest shit. And I'm going, there's so much fucking funny shit in your book. And I started, again, serotonin low. I cried several times where I couldn't even she's like what what's the problem

i'm like i i can't read this out loud to you because i'm going to start crying but it's because i've been drunk for fucking days but it's still pretty brutal but when i get found the funny shit that she's not even highlighting in the book. Like, I only have three hours to go through this, but fuck what you highlighted. I'm finding the funny shit. And there's some, your book is so goddamn good. And I started with that, that you don't want to ever have to look at your significant other's artwork.

Oh, I made a sculpture. I'm taking a community college class. It's a sculpture. And this is my imagination of what our cat would have looked like if he was a pegasus. Ah, yeah. of what our cat would have looked like if he was the pegasus. Ah. Yeah. That's creative, honey.

I just imagined when I first read your diary of your it's gonna suck. I know it's gonna suck. And then Mishka Shibali. Hey, shout it. Hey, pod call to Mishka Shibali, hey, shout out, hey, pod call to Mishka Shabali.

The way I give him shit when I first heard his songs. And then I met him. I go, there's no way someone as stupid as you could have written these great songs. And I still, it still confounds me. It still confounds me that fucking puppy dog fucking idiot Mishka Shabali could have written such beautiful fucking perfectly written songs. Oh, wait, I have to segue back into bingo. Yeah, I'm still here, motherfucker. Go right ahead.

But honey, you're different. Different as in, huh? different as in huh i was baffled that when you showed me that diary that you had written you were at that time very unmedicated shaved head painting your head topless in the fucking street talking on a banana that you really believe is a phone. So when I read this, I go, she wrote this? Well, you in a dictionary, the same way as me in a thesaurus wrote my last two books. It was fucking great. You were great tonight.

It was in a library. Well lit. We were shorter than everyone else. Packed house. It was packed. All the seats were full. I was all the way in the back stand where people were standing. There were people sitting up in the stairs. So there were people with a good view that could see you guys

down there too. It was all the way back. But you answered all the questions. I tried to. We did good. I felt good about it. I liked Margo's question. Margo Wallenberg.

Margo. Hang on. Chad, just do your voice as an impression of Margo Wallenberg. Well, I don't remember Margo's question. She asked what Margo has a way deeper voice, I don't remember Margo's question. Margo. She asked what... Margo has a way deeper voice than me, by the way. Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, Allison that runs the whole thing, KBRP, says, I have a question at the same time as Margo. Says, I have a question. And I go, Margo's going to go first because she could die at any minute. So let's let her go first because she could die at any minute. So let's let her go first because you'd feel like a dick if you get your question

first while she died. Margo's had many strokes here twice. Two. Margo loved it. She fucking ate it up. Do you remember what she asked? No. She wanted to know what Bingo's level of education was,

having written the book. And Doug said, that's a great question, because we'd never discussed that. We forgot the whole point. Bingo was doing all this journaling in the mental hospital, not to write a book, just for her own sanity, just as a coping mechanism. And she had her dictionary.

There was one thing, I didn't read it on stage tonight, but you talked about the white worms. When you're talking about your writing, and I look at the white worms when you're talking about your writing and I look at the white worms and the patterns and I knew what you were talking about is she would look at how yeah Chad

Chad's already fucking nodding the patterns that's exactly what I look at that's the white worms that call up the spaces for me. Read between the lines is a hackneyed expression, but she was literally looking at the patterns between the words, which I get you fucking immediately get, Ched.

I cut that out because that was three pages. That was a long session. A long session. And I didn't want to have to stop and explain it to other people. But, yeah. There's a lot of old people there. There were. And you said fuck a lot, by the way.

And I want to tell you, you chastised me for saying fuck in front of a tranny in a bar. So I just want to point out that you walked people. I did walk someone. If there were some empty chairs, it was probably body talk. I wish I had my copy of her book because she says fuck and worse. And I read the faggot thing. That's the one I wouldn't tell you I was going to read. I was cringing the fuck out of that.

I couldn't believe you picked that. Stu, staff member. Faggot that has to wear a rainbow chain around his neck to prove. I can't. Yeah. But it closes well.

Alright, Stu. I'm as much of a faggot as you stop making cheap art out of get over yourself Stu I'm just as much of a fag as you I meant that I really meant that this is a

touchy town when you have trigger words like faggot so I couldn't wait to read that because there was a touchy town when you have trigger words like faggot, so I couldn't wait to read that. Because there was a lot of faggots there. Yeah, it definitely attracted a lot of the mentally ill crowd as well. Yeah. I felt really bad. And there were a lot of people that old lesbians mostly in my head you know you always

think you know who hates you but i'm i'm pretty confident that wished i wasn't there and a lot of times when alex or I were speaking for you which you were begging us to do beforehand they would I know that a lot of them are seeing me as talking for you

why don't you just let her talk for herself she's a strong woman but she doesn't want to talk to you in a library. Did we get a new character voice? Is that Bisbee Lesbian? That was a new one. There's a little more throat on that one.

That was good. So every time I had to talk for you, I felt like someone hates me, like I won't let you talk for yourself. Next time, start out by going, listen, I don't want to be here. He's going you talk for yourself. Next time, start out by going, listen, I don't want to be here. He's going to talk for me. No, Gabba. I totally understand that.

Jenny always wants me to be the one that represents both of us. Don't talk to her. But you're a dick. Why don't you just let her be her own self? Not if you're okay. No, she's all right. I made it sign by the side of the road. I guess it's. No, she's alright. I see a faded sign by the side of the road. I guess it's not

lesbian, it's a faggot. Fred from B-52s. Wait, a lesbian's not a faggot? I don't even understand all the terminology. Only one woman left because I said fuck too much but you said fuck as much in your book that I was repeating and I didn't say

faggot on my own. I read it out of your book. I said fuck way more in my book than you ever can. Cock sucker, cunt, you had everything. I had everything in my fucking book. You didn't even touch nothing. It was a... As I knew, as I was going through it, it ran long.

We had it stapled out in our head to be a two-part thing. We're going to bullet point the book, and then we're going to do the aftermath of what happened since. And once I just cut into the aftermath, Chaley got in my ear. We don't have those things they have, the IFBs on... Like on the cooking... Letterman or whatever. Yeah, where you can't really see

the producer talking to you. Okay, you're going to have to go to commercial now. Chaley actually has to come up and put his hands around my ear. Doug's more comfortable if it sounds like I'm coming over a transistor radio. We got five minutes. Bl, we've got five minutes.

Blink if you get there. Five minutes. Everybody thinks the colored hair is just a fashion thing. It's so that you can easily signal how much his time is left. I put my hands in front of the hair. He gave me the five minute point.

Allison told me we're closed at seven. So in five minutes, I'd like this to be over. And I go, that's fine. Do they know that? Which I didn't think you guys knew because she looked at me like, so are you going to tell them? I go, oh, I'm supposed to do this. We agreed to do this. I get it. I'm just saying I this. We agreed to do this. I get it.

I'm just saying I didn't want to kill your time. Like an hour and 15 minutes. I don't know. Because at that point, in theory, it's just me and Bingo talking about her book. How are we going to kill a fucking hour and 15? I don't think we could do that. And then Alex, thank thank god agreed to do it i go i can play off of you and that way bing goes off the hook she can just fill in when she

wants to and it worked out perfectly but then when i went through the book i'm going on i'm taking too many notes i'm reading too many fucking passages some Some of those, I had to read them. Page 89, funny. My notes, I just write funny. It's just three sentences, funny. I thought it was really funny when you started. You said, I had Bingo highlight some of the passages in the book, and I'm going to read some of those.

But when I looked, the first thing I saw she highlighted was the end of the book, which, honey, you can't tell everyone the end of the book. That's great, yeah. She's falling apart now, and she fell apart when i said it to her like this is a great the last paragraph of the book is brilliant and i go no you can't do it go go and this is how it ends buy it after the show but first let me read this that's the one paragraph you don't want to highlight well i learned that today that today. I got it. I got it. How did you feel about the whole thing?

Did you panic ever? I was panicked beforehand, but once we got going, after a little bit, I felt comfortable. It's like being on radio with you. What was fun was when you talked about Stern. I opened with that because for the three days she's been haunting me.

We've got to practice for this, and I've got to talk. I go, you just did Howard Stern five days ago for the seventh time, and you're panicked about the library. I felt great about it. I can't thank you and Alex enough. You sold all your books, your sign until the end. Yeah, that was a line. I was going to go give you a hug and tell you good job,

but I was like, oh, I have to wait until I have my special access later because she's got too many fans waiting in line. I don't want to cut in front of. It was nice to have you the star for once. It was really cool. Yeah, Bingo, for once, no one ever notices you. Right, right. At an actual show where like I should have been

selling your merch and you just signed it but I didn't do that because I needed to smoke I knew that and piss I think you did well I was really happy with it baby it's such

a fucking good book Shawnee had music set up afterwards during the signing. Bingo's music was playing while she was signing books and talking to people. It was really, I don't know. I had a good time. I had to go one time. I went in and I had to fart really bad. I was in the back.

I had to fart the whole night. But there's all hardwood floors in there, which is why we could hear you guys all the way back. But I was like, I'll go back into this back room so I can fart where nobody is. And I went back there and I farted so loud that I was embarrassed to come out because I was certain that everybody in the other room heard

it. I was like, oh, there's no way that didn't fucking resonate in there. There were so many comedy things I had to just ignore my comedy instincts and just stay on task, talk to Bingo, talk about the book, because right beside the non-stage where we're sitting, right beside us, five feet away, is an elevator,

which I didn't know Bisbee had an elevator anywhere. But for some reason, on it coming off an elevator right next to me ding and one time i made a joke as i welcome in i just started come on welcome in library is still open till seven yeah so if people want it it's coming from the ground floor, and then I believe it goes to the third floor, which is where the majority of the books are. But a lot of those people didn't, they were nonplussed at the fact

that they're walking right into the stage, basically, of a show. And I'm like, shut the fuck up. Just stay on point. I got notes. I have a legal pad. I'm up just stay on point i got notes i have a legal pad i'm gonna stay on point where you just the third time people come off a fucking elevator right next to you we had the stairs all clogged up and they would come through with their books just look at us like we were assholes. It was a library. And they had my book on display, which I'm sure

they only did for that one night. My book is not on the desk of the library. Sure it is. Probably not. They don't have another famous author in Visby right now. I've been there. You've been to a library before?

I had to sign up for the card. Do you have to live here to get a library before? I had to sign up for the card. That library is really... Do you have to live here to get a library? Can I get it in the county? No, that's the state. That's the state. I'm getting to it. Because that book, that thing has a rare room of rare books.

Yeah, yeah. It's really cool. They got a lot of old Arizona books, too. Yeah. Just specifically Arizona, like birds and geology. Yeah, while I was farting, I was checking them out. I was like, there is a lot of good books in here. Very sophisticated, Chad.

Allison, who put the whole thing on from KBRP, told me that Bingo's book is the first, that Bisbee Library is the first book, library in the world to have her book on file. They have her book. She goes, it's the first library in the world that has it on file. That's Dewey Decimal System. You've got to code it.

She didn't drop that name. It might not count anymore. That's actually pretty cool because that library is historic as fuck. There's old pictures of it. Well, if you see a picture of one of the two main drags in old Bisbee, one of those will be up Tombstone Canyon, which is the post office on the bottom floor and the elevator up to the library. That's what I was getting her to say.

I wouldn't get in the fucking elevator, that's for sure. And every other picture of old Bisbee from the 1900 turn of the century is people who never read books. So the fact that it's still open. I heard that she was the first woman with blue hair to ever hold a question and answer in the library. This seems rather specialized now. I think we're getting specific. Wait, you're saying she's the only blue hair that's ever been in that library? I get this. 40 of them folding chairs tonight.

I get the Brett Erickson offer. Oh, if you want to do the same thing with your book at some point. No, it's fine. Oh, you wrote a book too, little Dougie Stano? I could. Because Bingo did so well, I could promote my book at the library.

Well, I'll just do it for you, baby. You can sit next to me. Just talk when I tell you to talk. No, you should talk for him through the entire thing. Just highlight some spots, Doug. You left this here in front of where I stand, and it's a guy who did a transcript of one of our previous. Yeah, no.

What's that all about? Some guy enjoyed one of our commercials so much that he made a transcript so we might read it again, which we won't. But I love his gumption. Yup! Shin. Kill 30 minutes, right? Let's close out on Amy Bingaman's album based on her book. Not Let Me Out.

Are You Amused? That's my album. Want to play your song that you hate? Don't do Are You Amused because we played that twice already. Play the one. If you've read the book, then you would know this. It's Peach Pop. Nature is an asshole.

Let's try that one and see if everybody... The world is an asshole. Oh, wait. That's... Pop. Nature is an asshole. Let's try that one and see if everybody... The world is an asshole. Oh, wait, that's a... Smash your pumpkins. Yeah, that's a different song. Nature is an asshole. Let's go! What song is that? Yours that you hate.

Oh, no, I hate that song. Okay, don't play it. Play it. I don't listen to this podcast. It's dumb. Thank you. Strange face, false imprisonment You got your silver spoon, dried off balloons Who's room to circumvent? What's the time to your figs? Why are my minks at the wall across your stall? I will let your fears digest You're cruising, yes, nature is an asshole

So I told my girlfriend the other night I wanted to fuck her between the tits She said, how you gonna make that feel good for me? I said, right before I come, I'll stop punching you in the face. Lucy Lucy Lucy Lucy Fucking make her laugh

My mother's great friend She's gonna be a real new sin So take the stage, don't shackle your rage On the man's dime, reply to your jokes, forget to diagnose Baby, it's showtime Jesus died for your sins I do it for your beer entertainment dollar, ladies and gentlemen Killing myself for you It's more admirable ladies and gentlemen. I'm killing myself for you.

It's more admirable than anything any phony Jesus ever did for you. He was never funny. He was never entertaining. He was a boring, miserable, mythical fuck, and I love you more than that. Why would you die for someone's sins? Your sins are the only interesting thing about you dreary conk suckers.

That's what makes you alive and fantastic. Those are your best stories. You should wear your sins on your sleeve and you should try to top them on a daily basis. Tell me a story, hypothetically. Start a story right now about what a good Christian man you are and how that good book has filled you with some effervescent loving light of Jesus that shines out of every pore in your head and you're walking on sunshine. You keep that story going real loud. At the same time, you tell me a story about that one time you kick-fucked a girl with cerebral palsy. And we'll see who draws a crowd. Thank you. A death row, two dogs, two crows, two getties, four, two, three. In your all-day land, like a jungle one day, but let's run weird deep.

Till then, it's both our pain for both, take a valley of death's ground. We'll be the branch of the wild, that desert sky, and we'll make the lights go out. A girl says to me, if darling, timid women just suck dick, you won't make my taste like chocolate. I said, yeah, but you had to make it taste like bleach. So you will never get to go on. Basket of lights. Sit in the hallway.

Lucy. Lucy Lucy Lucy Lucy I go on stages like I'm leading you in a battle You're not all gonna be here at the end guitar solo Why don't you just let her talk for herself? She's a strong woman. But she doesn't want to talk to you in a library.