The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #252: The Fan Appreciation Podcast

Episode Date: April 4, 2018

Doug, Becker and Chad celebrate the listeners on the inaugural Fan Appreciation Podcast. Recorded Mar. 30th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Mat Becker (@houdini357), and Mrs. Gump. Produced by Mrs. Gump. Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Closing song “Party Time”, by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes. LINKS: Chad Shank Voice Over info at [www.AudioShank.com](www.AudioShank.com) Jen Adams - [https://jenadamscomedy.com/home](https://jenadamscomedy.com/home) Support the Innocence Project - [www.innocenceproject.org](www.innocenceproject.org)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night. bar i can't fucking i'm drawing a complete blank uh you know i don't know i think there was probably an original gay bar in alaska no for no but we went there and they said oh you have to go and we like and it was closed they closed it right when we got there and they were like oh we were going to take you to the gay bar downtown and we're like we live in west hollywood it's not a big deal to us to go to the gay bar. We go there for open steak night. I always loved gay bars on the road because you know there's not going to be a fucking problem. Unlike the fucking shag nasties in Iowa.

Oh, yeah. Like Jocko fucking beat down guys. Clearly not a gay bar. Oh, that's why we can throw it out. Yeah. One of the reasons. And I was playing pool and i got surrounded by door guys i looked around i go do they care i'm cheating at pool

they go your friend is already gone you have to go i go they said uh i go what did i get thrown out for i was dancing with a black girl on the dance floor which yeah i had that kind of courage back then or that he thought he could dance with a black girl yeah she was running circles around you i can know uh shut the fuck up first of all the cat is perfect because we started recording with the the air on and the fucking music on and i thought because our guest producer is mrs gump since chaley's away joeby's at the opening day or you are moving up miss gump yep but i thought it'd be really funny because we have to send them the file to have all the things that make them crazy for fucking audio issues that no listener would ever notice god damn it you have the air on well no one else heard it

and now of course fucking meatwig comes in barking orders that was right like you meatwig that sounds like that sounds like a sound effect that fred norris would have stern uh but anyway so the uh yeah we get thrown out becker and I back in our mullet my mullet days back in the early 90s get thrown out of this fucking Jocko bar that was dance club next to the bar we had to perform in and I

walked in and it's just like that's where we did walk the dancer we didn't do it there because he was up in the cage remember they had two guys after we did after we did walk the dancer we didn't do it there just because he was up in the cage remember they had two guys after we did after we did walk the dancer that's when this happened maybe we did yeah all i know is we walk into this just dripping testosterone the same way if you go into like the uh the old michigan breakfast diners that were our train car, and they used to allow smoking and the nicotine.

You can see just brown, golden nicotine dripping down the walls. It was dripping like that with testosterone. And I walked in and I said to Becker, I go, Sugar, this is the weirdest gay bar I've ever been in. Set the tone. Then they have male dancers come out on the dance floor. Remember the dance floor was like in a pit? Yeah, and then the guy was up in a cherry picker playing the music.

The guy fell and broke his leg. They had to cut the fucking dance routine. And we're laughing our balls off at that. Then you're playing pool and I'm dancing with a black chick. And that's when they surround you on one side and me on the dance floor you guys gotta go and i'm like what i don't even understand why we're getting kicked out yeah we're the talent well technically bar next door they're all owned by some fucking guy that's nowhere to be found uh and i said outside they go well first of all you referred to this place as a gay bar and i went fucking obvious joke and then they weren't having it and we knew

better than to try to argue what we're gonna argue yeah to get back in yeah we realized them throwing us out saved us a lot of money it's like getting thrown out of vietnam for having flat feet you're like no look I have an arch. But we argued a little bit. I'm going to save some money on an ass-kicking. Hey, I would love to kill some of them gooks, but if you want me to go home, I'll go home right now. Anyway, so back to your gay bar story.

No, anyway, that was the thing. When we went to Alaska, that was where they wanted us to go to the gay bar. And that was their big thing they thought they were going to take us to we live in west hollywood we we have we have dinner we go and eat at the open manhole to be fair it was fucking hilarious when we brought chad shank to the gay bar i i really liked that bar that's one of my favorite bars that i've ever been in is in Vegas, and it's a gay sports bar. Were you there, Becker? No, that was when we had just flown in. We were meeting here then, so yeah.

Yeah, they were in Vegas on that trip, but yeah, they weren't at that gay bar. I felt way less awkward in the stall doing cocaine with Andy Andrus than I would have at a non-gay bar. You'd expect to do cocaine with somebody like Andy Andrus in a gay bar. Yeah, well, and nobody looked at us funny. Other people would expect me to be in the stall with Andy Andrus. You wouldn't really know it's a gay bar until you're blowing someone. You're like, ah, there's something about the atmosphere.

Yeah, like the lack of... How about those Raiders? The lack of chicks and the lack of testosterone, as you said, really. But it wasn't. It was fucking hubcaps on the walls. It was a... You guys big pirate fans? It was a dude bar.

It was two-for-one drinks. 25 TV screens. It was fucking... I was having a good time. Everybody's real polite. I wasn't worried about getting in a fight. I love it. I liked it.

That's why we went to gay bars all the time. It was the one in Boise boise uh was right behind the funny bone and that was you know well it's a gay bar you know i know you couldn't tell it's just and a lot of people it was it was around the time where it was being you know becoming cool to be gay so a lot of straight people went there, probably for that same reason. I think Hewlett and the News did a song like that. I'm not going to lie.

That's exactly the song that came in last. Hip to be gay. Becker's here. Chad Shank's here. And our guest producer, Mrs. Gump. Hi. It's like substitute teacher. It starts like paper airplanes. You don't have to Hi. It's like substitute teacher. Eat the mic. It starts like paper airplanes.

You don't have to talk. She's just sitting there. Well, that means she can still eat the mic. Yeah, I can just push the buttons. I wrote this down right when Derek called, and Derek is one of the biggest perpetrators. What I like, and I noticed it last week, I've noticed

it a lot, I like closed set for fucking podcasts because when there's a bunch of fucking stoners sitting there staring at you you feel like you're performing for them and this isn't stand up and there's nothing worse than us having a good time and you look and people are looking at their watch

and whispering and making other plans. Like, fucking beat it. So from now on, closed set podcast. I like it. Sounds good. All right. The eyes have it.

Becky was saying that the last podcast about Bangkok, he listened to it, and he goes, oh, your voice. He said, you can tell when you talk about Bangkok, you're really scared. But I felt, like, undue pressure because of people that were hanging around. But I mean, it did sound like though, and I just, I know you're monotone. And it was like, just at that point where this isn't the funny Doug, this is the Doug I'm trying to explain to you. I really feared going to jail.

That was absolutely true. But I also, you can feel the stress in your voice when you're trying to overcompensate. Right. It's a live audience that doesn't want to be an audience. They're waiting for you to get done a podcast so they can watch the fucking hockey game or something. That's why I always wanted to do that traffic court school

where you can do comedy and they can't leave. I don't know what that means. No, remember? You go in to get your ticket expunged if you went in, but they did comedy traffic school. Remember? They did in Phoenix. And they got fucking 60 bucks a head for it, which was better than they got for the improv.

The objective audience. Yeah, you ruined their Saturday. And they had to go in to get three points off their ticket because they didn't notice the school zone. Well, that's why I hate going on any... Yeah, sure, I want to see the Grand Canyon, but I don't want to go with a tour guide

who has these canned, awful fucking jokes. It's like Southwest Airlines where you're already mad to be on a plane. I don't know if they do it anymore because I don't fly Southwest. I'm a delta man through and through uh but when they do the jokes you go and i mean i like that you're trying to make a horrible situation more fun but i've heard this act the only two you get is either an old lady who it's amusing because she's old it's amusing

if she could have dressed herself too but they make you sit there you don't have a choice and then she does all these oh and by the way case of a water landing in the desert yeah then you have the cackling person that makes you fucking makes it longer yeah no i hate her and you now for laughing at then the other one is the clearly gay flight attendant who you know is going to sit there and do every wacky joke he can think of and you have to go well i don't hate you because you're gay i hate you because you're not funny all right i'll say i'll give you this uh They have to do the announcement.

They have to do the safety announcement. So, all right. If you make it funny, that's, I guess, good. I'll err on that side. It is Fan Appreciation Day. We'll get that. That's today's podcast. But when they talk, when they don't have to, and what's out the fucking...

We're flying over Wichita right now. So what? In case I need to stop and grab something? What the fuck does anyone, you're waking me up in the middle of a flight. They don't do that much anymore. When you're busy renting a DigiPlayer and it gets interrupted every time the pilot decides to click on that thing, it's no wonder they can't have guns in the cockpit. But yeah, he'll turn it on and go,

oh, if you look out, if you're on the top corner of the left part of the plane, you can see the Grand Canyon. He'd go, no, it's only two people. Two people, you're turning. And he's like, oh, he'll probably already buy it anyway. But anyway, and then he'll just come back on. He goes, well, it looks like we're going to be in early. But it keeps interrupting your movie.

You go, I just paid $11 for this fucking movie. That's already edited. Yeah, and then they then they tell you oh we're about to land so if you haven't finished you want one a fast forward to see the ending which is the i mean i just i can't believe they ever i would as a director go you can't show my movie any of this shit you would get you would get raped if you tweeted any anytime you bitch oh so you have movies on your airplane i have to take a fucking bus oh white people problems and all that shit you can't complain about but at least you're sitting in the front you can't complain about flying at all without people shitting on you because they can't afford to fly well people fucking just is whining you know it's just the

whole thing's a platform for whining anymore. We should wrap up the gun control fucking issue real quick so that way people can go back to being funny and entertaining. I was going to close on that, but if you want to go right to it. Oh, I don't care. I thought we were just moving. I was going to go into fan appreciation

day. You said it was fan appreciation day. I thought you were just going to keep saying that as we went through and never address any sort of fans at all. I have a couple. I'll start with what Earl Butler, who will be listening to this. Let's talk about Earl Butler.

I got a very nice email from earl butler who says i have listened to every word that you've ever said in every act you've ever done i'd read it but my i put my fucking computer underneath that wall of remote controls anyways listen to every single thing i've ever done and uh it's been a fan since the the time I saw you get your balls shaved by someone from the audience in Austin, Texas. It was an employee. If you've read the book, this is not fame. She was a ticket booth girl who got fired.

I didn't mention that. She got fired as well as the manager and me. Jen Adams is her name. She's still doing comedy. But I didn't know you had a podcast till now, I started at 2013 when the podcast started, I'm up to episode 195, and I'm looking forward to getting to 2018, or I don't know what, we're at like 250 or something, I don't know what, how many podcasts, but he's listening to every fucking word. So eventually Earl Butler will listen to the fan appreciation podcast.

Don't put his name in there. Chaley, when you edit this, if you have to edit this, don't put his name in the title. Let them listen to fan appreciation podcast. It's the Earl Butler. Thank you for listening to because i get my

ball shaved on stage that had to be about 20 years ago yeah no more than you know no less than 15 years yeah no 15 years ago i almost lived here yeah it's like 20 fucking years ago wow that's see that's the thing is that's somebody that follows you and appreciates it. And you never did fill them in. Did your hair grow back? We always shit on everyone that sends me a fucking annoying email. Right. And that shouldn't be the way our society works.

The bitchers shouldn't get the attention. The good people should. And I do. We never bring up nice people uh the other guy ryan bibich b-i-b-i-c-h i tweeted it today because i couldn't find him he tweeted me i think it was twitter it could have been an email but either way it didn't i couldn't find him. He said, hey, I'm going to be at the Shady Dell for my birthday on February 23rd. It's a while ago. He said, are you going to have a birthday beer with me?

And I said, I'm going to be in Hawaii. I'll be on my way back from Hawaii when you're there. But enjoy the town. You'll love it without me. Everyone does. But yeah, I did a nice thing and Bingo and I went out bought a bottle of whiskey found a cool bottle

oh it's right here I was gonna drink whiskey and cokes for this podcast since evidently Ryan Bibich never showed up cause I got a hellcat maggie how fucking great is that label and great so i gotta we we shopped for a really cool looking bottle of whiskey that wasn't just fucking jack daniels and then we got him a card and even look we even taped this thing on so we could hang the card around the neck of the bottle. Put some effort into it.

Got a coupon for $6 off instantly. No, we stole that from a bottle of Tito's so we'd have something to hang the birthday card on. But still, it still works. But inside the card, we'll open the card and see what we get. Because I don't know what we gave you. But I fucking actually got around and brought that down to the shady Dell and wrote Ryan Bibich February 23rd. And yesterday or in the last couple of days, because it was just sitting on my patio, got that with a note. Hey, Brad, Justin Jason, who owns the shady Dell, said Brad, the manager said this guy never showed up.

So I'm returning this. So Ryan Bibich. So I say we do a contest the next person that stays at the shady dell fuck it you kill time i'm gonna well i've been listening to a podcast about missing persons and now i'm just wondering if uh ryan bibich disappeared in the desert party birthday party of one bibich bibich yeah he? Yeah. He went off in the desert somewhere. He rented a car on the 22nd. I even Google searched him.

The only thing I could find was a My Life thing, which is, I think, a scam. But I think it's also how I found my old wife so I could finally divorce her after 27 years or something. Definitely a scam then. Hang on. I'm'm gonna make a whiskey coke go ahead keep talking yeah anyway yeah no that's i i think uh when you know when fans reach out like that and then you actually follow through that i think is something that should be brought up because a lot of times they fail on their end like hey i just want to say hi and stuff and then they don't show up or they're going to a city and i i mean i've seen more than once that doug has gotten

hey when you coming to austin and doug will reply i was there last fucking month well that's the problem is and i've figured this has to be the reason where you get inordinate amounts of emails saying, when are you coming to the place you just played, is because somehow word of mouth starts a meme locally, and then someone says, Doug, stand up, and then someone else says, and... Gets in people's head. Yeah, and then someone goes, oh, yeah,

either I know him or I don't know him, but I'm going to look at some YouTube clips. Hey, funny. That's a good justification, but... Either I know him or I don't know him. I'm going to look at some YouTube clips. Hey. That's a good justification. No, but this is a brilliant marketing idea. This is great. So what you do is you book that town, then cancel that show, and everyone's talking about you.

And then when you do show up, they can't get out of buying tickets. Make up a great reason. I guess he was arrested for drugs. His heart stopped on the tour the night before and he had to cancel. All of that's working for Artie Lang right now. He's doing good. He got thrown in jail for a day because he was beating up a child molester, but he's out now.

Nobody follows the fucking Hoboken police Twitter that says we never arrested him at all. What? We had to have a picture. I always wanted to do a tour that was based on a leap of faith. In fact, when we first started four wall and gigs and cut out comedy clubs and just doing rock and roll. Have you seen leap of faith with steve martin where's the balloon he's the televangelist guy and it's all a scam and they just have this bus tour tent you know revival guy it's a fucking great movie because

it's all you know it's stuff we love scams and how they you know find out shit about people and you know do the laying on their hands yeah it's a real so i wanted we called it barnstorming back then right uh our initial idea for uh for doing you know rock and roll clubs and fuck comedy clubs i have enough fans they'll show up at some dirty hole in the wall uh i forget my point what were you talking about oh i'm just doing no that no that was yeah just scamming our way into doing that like the arty lang as a joke but doing that we were lower level i we actually did some stuff like myspace i set up some fake profiles and you could search people by their uh zip code and i'd have a hot

chick i think i used jack from alaska as the hot chick i'd say i'm new to town and then i go home me and my girlfriends are going to the duck stand that's fucking great but we wanted to we wanted to come up with enough scams like uh the charity thing we talked about i don't know if we talked about it on a podcast i knew this guy something gorman was this fucking cd hustler comic air quotes comic in salt lake and he booked this place that was just barely bigger than the fun house here. And, uh, every week was a charity event.

I think I did talk about this, but fuck him. Uh, like he'd just go, okay, this week is a cerebral palsy and the place holds like 60 people. So half of the tickets that are overpriced because it's for charity portions of it are for charity uh so they're paying 30 tickets just the people involved

in the organization are gonna fill up half the room yeah if you do mda and half the front desk doesn't show up for their own charity they have to show up yeah so he would do that scam so we're thinking about all these scams we could do to just you know just do a tour and film it of like leap of faith all right here we're going out on a bus tour and we're gonna get people to pay top dollar to see a show they don't want to see and we're we're gonna fleece them figured out no because i love fucking again con art is again called art for a reason yeah and that's the thing i love that part of it i love that like when we watch that one show with what's his name on the hbo one or uh where the guy goes in and fixes your business oh nathan for you yeah but he comes with such a

fucking weird angle that you go you just got to step back and go that was amazing he is absolutely a fucking brilliant mind and i i would love to be in a writer's room just to see how they plot out nathan for you i can't i hope that's coming back like most tv it seems like they do eight episodes every 18 months. You don't know that there's no end to Deadwood for three years. What is that? And Impractical Jokers has their own channel. Pretty much.

Yeah. And I'll watch it and I'll see stuff I've never seen before. I'm like, how have I not seen this? Isn't that weird? I know. That's always when you get those shows, you're like, how could I not have seen this? Isn't that weird? I know. That's always when you get those shows,

you're like, how could I not have seen this? So Ryan Bibich, right now I'm drinking Wildcat Maggie whiskey with a tiny splash of Coke in your honor. Sorry you couldn't make it. Let's open your card. Let's see what you got. Oh my God. Cheers, Ryan Bibich.

Yeah, Mr. Bibich. We hope you're not the Dibich. You're no Earl Butler. Earl Butler would have shown up. Oh, my God. Cheers, Ryan Bibich. Yeah, Mr. Bibich. We hope you're not the Dibich. You're no Earl Butler. Earl Butler would have shown up. Oh, fuck. I think he's a man of his word. One out of ten would have showed up. He saw my balls being shaved and was a fan for life.

Yeah, that's it. You're a Delta Diamond Medallion. I'm going to start making my own medallion status for fans. I'm going to be nicer. I already saw the front of the card. There you go. That's our new plan. Let's be nicer this year.

Oh, yeah. I remember when I was picking out this card. Fucking Tranny Danny was in the dollar store. Not that I didn't go all out for you and buy a high dollar card there, Ryan. You spent all your money on the whiskey. I just got to grab a card. Just grab one that's inappropriate and get the fuck out. I don't want to talk to Tranny Danny.

So on the inside it says I said, sorry we ruined your birthday. You're nothing without us. Stan Hope and Bingo. So there's your card. It's in the funhouse. It'll be thrown away in a short time.

But yeah. Hey, sometimes we enjoy our fans. And this is Fan Appreciation Day. After the hate mail I read last week about the... Have people noticed that we come out on Wednesday? Should we be promoting that more? I think, yeah. Now that we're making it a regular thing it's wednesday they do come out on wednesday it's uh it's like between the bill burr uprights of monday

is how you came up with wednesday was if you're tired of bill burr for a minute because tomorrow morning he's got another one coming sometimes we'll do special events and on saturday he'll come up and you go hey wide left uh yeah after we did that email about the show in japan where some guy was cheesed off that i didn't fucking cradle him in my arms for the whole night for his ticket money for his 8 000 yen and it's a fan appreciation day here at the park well that's my point is a lot of people that were at that show reached out said we had a fantastic time i want to because we we were evidently selling his ticket to be a fan since he's an ex-fan he said well a lot of people fucking chimed in and they want to take your seat

oh you know his name the name of the guy? Whatever he used for his moniker. You need to make a t-shirt and the next show just throw it and have somebody put the t-shirt on and say, I got his seat. I don't want to make a name out of him. No, but it's a nickname. It was Butthurt or something. But just make a shirt.

I got Butthurt's seat. Oh, that's right. It was Salty Butthurt. Yeah, Salty Butthurt. I got Salty Butthurt's shirt. And just every show I have somebody in the front put it on and take a picture. No, that's right. It was salty butter. Yeah, salty butter. I got salty butter. And just every show, I have somebody in the front put it on and take a picture. No, I am salty butter.

Yeah. Oh, I am salty butter. I'm the new salty butter. You've been replaced immediately. In Japan, no less. Go down the street in Japan and tell people you're no longer a fan of me. Okay.

I don't speak Spanish there, but... That's my problem, is every time I try to do an impression of a language, I do the wrong one. When I came back, Japan was the last date, and I came back. I never got to this after my fucking wildly paranoid uh audio issue uh i i get back it's like 10 and a half hours from uh haneda to lax

and then i had like a four hour layover i. I had taken, because Chad, you told me this, because all I was taking on the Asian tour was Benadryl, and you're the one who said to me, yeah, well, when Jenny sees I'm having a bad day, she just fucking hands me five Benadryl. I'm like, wow, you take five? Yeah. He's a big guy.

Yeah. You're a two. He's a five. She wants me to go down fast usually so tranquilizer elephant gun yeah almost made the couch i remember when we used to give hinty mushrooms like it was always all right here's a little for you here's a little for you and you're like uh hinty's doing him he's like, what was he, 400 pounds before we stomach stapled him? Not personally. We had a professional do it. You'd have to give him this magic clump of muscles.

Like, palm the basketballs out. You could have the rest. And then he'd still go i'm not feeling anything like then throw it up we'll all put up your vomit which should be a t-shirt i remember when he came to costa rica and there was like eight of us nine of us maybe all boogie boarding in the surf and tamarindo and just catching these waves we're all you know afternoon drunk and it's just perfect and we're catching waves and looking at each other and seeing who's going the furthest and then you wash up on the shore and you'd look out 40 yards to hinty it's just like this

giant bobber wave would not move this fucking giant carbuncle of a man. You look and you can see Hinty and then you look just to the left and there's Natalie Wood just laying there. But he would always look so sad like I can't join in any reindeer game. And you're like, well, God won't let you.

Probably sits and watches tsunami footage going, I could have ridden that one. That one would turn me right into the beach hinty after a big fat hinty after the tsunami and all the fucking thailand is wiped out and he's still floating he's a hero he's got like eight brown people hanging from his arms see you made it nice yeah there you go because it's piano appreciation day

every story has a positive ending but i i took three benadryl on that plane because that's all i had on the way out i took the last of the xanax i brought knocked out for the 14 hours to hong kong the way back in like 10 and a half hours. And I got Benadryl. So I took three based on your suggestion of five for a man your size. I took three. I slept fitfully. But I got into this.

On a plane. Yeah. Yeah. I take five to sleep in my bed. So, yeah. I wasn't bad, but I wasn't knocked out like I need to be. I take more than five on a plane. I get to the Sky Club in LAX.

And I'd been sleeping most of the time. I probably had five or six drinks in 10 hours. Have a few drinks at LAX. And I don't know if it was a Benadryl, like, lapse. Late onset. Yeah. And I had a couple drinks in the Sky Club, and I'm going to have to go take a nap right by my gate

because I can't stay awake right now. And I slept two hours before my flight i slept through the flight woke up like half an hour after it left went back up to the sky club but got on another flight later that night which is rare for to get to tucson you don't have a lot of options but i did get a seat on that flight i sat down the the first time when i landed i was with hennigan he was going to vegas so we're in the sky club those first two drinks there's a guy next to us loud cell phone call but he's talking about yeah no the the comedian he's like a italian guy and he does all the things about being Italian

and we want to get him and we're overhearing this which you can't help and Hennigan goes on his phone figures out who was where at what comedy club he leans into me

it was Mike Marino so we wait a few minutes. Then I get on a fake cell phone call. I go, yes, we got to book this guy, Mike Marino. Cause that guy hadn't said his name.

And I go, he's fantastic. He's worth every penny he charges. So yeah, I'm wing man and a old friend. I guess I was not a friend, but I know him from la everyone knows everyone and uh i fake hang up he goes did you say mike marino the comedian i saw him last night

at the fucking hoo-ha wherever i go oh yeah we were at the show the guy's great we're gonna book him for our corporate thing we just started oh making up all this shit. Oh yeah. And he works for someone and he was going to book him for something or, and I, and then he's like, Oh, that thing he did. I go,

I don't know. We were really drunk. I don't remember the bits. You tell me and I'll agree with you. So that was a, that was funny. Then I sleep through a flight after Brian's already in Vegas, get another flight

then i have another four hours or something to kill and i had another drink after having slept really i've basically not drank my standards another guy gets on his fuck a loud cell phone call and now i'm fucking irritable and then i do my my whole thing where i get on a cell phone next to him sky club in lax is not a big place i'm at the bar and they they know me this is the problem and uh so i get on my phone i've done this a million times where i go hey honey we're having the uh who can have the loudest cell phone conversation contest in the sky club i don't think i'm winning yet some other guy like you won you won like he could tell i was drunk like we get your point but don't get thrown out and then another guy goes hey are you doug

stanhope so i i move you know when you you know you're drunk and you you try to walk like you're not but you you know you're not fooling but i moved over to the guy who knew who i was and sat with him and uh i i really felt like i got roofied i get on that plane get back to the tucson airport hotel that night and went to the bar and i was i hadn't now i haven't really drank for hours like one or two drinks in hours after i like and slept like i would be sober to drive like i'm like i feel like i got roofy because after i left the sky club i slept again on the floor in a pile of fucking polyester plaid i woke up for the second flight obviously but i i still slept and that ain't three benadryl did you did you drink initially when you took the benadryl yeah that's what i figured but that was that was 10 hours before

i landed in lax this is nine hours later how many over-the-counter sleepers would you usually take? Two, and I still wake up at fucking three in the morning. Was your bartender Serbian? That's like... He was Serbian me. Thought that's where you were taking it. Yeah, that was... Are you finished?

That was Henry Phillips with the Matoid, who's from Finland. In room number three, the most popular room. Are you finished? It's my turn yet. That was Henry Phillips with the Matoid, who's from Finland. In room number three, the most popular room. Are you finished? Yes. Oh, then move over. It's my turn. So I got him off the mic.

That's still hysterical. So I did toilet paper. I threw toilet paper, lit it on fire in the ceiling fan. So we're all sitting like 10 deep in this room, and the ceiling fan has burning toilet paper spitting around. And somebody was like, I don't know who they were, but they were like, do you guys always do this kind of thing? I'm like, no, we've never done it.

I ran in the bathroom, covered myself in water, just so I could make it through the front door. Oh, shit, we do a do an ad yeah and i have to go uh i gotta figure out a different uh plaid suit to wear because i gotta go back through uh the lax sky club after i shouted people down i like it when you pretend to be the other half of their conversation i think think that's funnier and less aggressive. I'm going to have to remember that. There was a guy, Becker, doing the loud thing,

and this was the Utah one, Salt Lake City, where it was really expansive. So I got a distance away. We're all the way across the room. Everyone in the entire – oh, you were there for it? Yeah. All right, good. I didn't know if you just heard me tell the story.

Yeah, I got a distance away where everyone is just rolling their eyes at this fucking asshole construction guy. Well, you know what? If you're going to put fucking three lots on there, you're going to get that guy with the...

So I would wait for him to stop and then answer. Well, we can't wait for the guy if the guy's not available. We're going to end up firing all of these son of a bitches if we do it your way. Just make it. Everyone was dying. The whole place was fucking laughing. It was fantastic. Except that guy never caught on to what I was doing.

No. It's the airport. Whose line is it anyway? Okay, ready? You got this doing. No. It's the airport. Whose line is it anyway? Okay, ready? You got this guy. Go. All right. Let's pay the light bills, I say.

I just coined that. TheShadyDell.com. That is where you stay. If you come to Bisbee and you're staying at the Shady Dell and I'm in town, I will have a beer with you. I won't hang out that long. We're not going to be good friends. I don't want you to fucking tell me you're going to kill yourself. But if you're staying at TheShadyDell.com, vintage trailer park with all 50s, 60s trailers that we live a mile away from and we look for reasons to go stay there.

Come to theshadydell.com. Sponsored by... I might even come in and clean your toilet. I don't know. All right. Only other note. Jen, Just Jen. Jen.

Our new neighbor on Black Knob. Black Knob. Black Knob View. Black Knob. We're bringing that back. Actually, yeah, we should do some... Not today. We have enough for today.

There's some police beats. I have them stacked up somewhere. It's so hard to fucking keep track of shit on the road. But I've read there's some really funny fucking police beats lately. And I want to get Officer Bob Friendly back to explain some of them.

But just Jen spot a house two doors down from the Chaley's. Becker has the uh pink camouflage we have to do the termite fucking tent on the house yeah and you tell your neighbors to do it too because when your termites leave they go somewhere well yeah don't you go plooing black knob it's like yeah sitting off a roach bomb in a new york city apartment every other apartment floods with roaches around it yeah we're on top of that but for a paint job i thought if we could

get the termite people to put up their tent a couple days early then we can do it becker has pink camouflage while he was out of town on his house. What do we paint just Jen's house with? You know what I've seen? And this is, uh, some people did it in Alaska and they were hardcore lesbians based on the yard signs, but,

uh, they painted their house entirely black. That's not good in Arizona, but that's, are you going to live there? So I've seen some of the the the termite tents look like big top tents with the big red and white stripes that come down i think you should see what the termite rent an elephant i get where you're going no no see what see what the termite tent looks like and then paint the house exactly the same so when you take the termite tent

down it looks the same. That's fucking great. Termite logo on the roof. That's why I don't talk to you off the air about anything we might say on the air because I'd say say that again and it would be flat. That's fucking funny.

Ready? The big unveil. Sing. Oh shit. Well, I thought of this and Bingo loved it, but it doesn't work on the front of a house. When Kreischer was down here, I guess that I don't know where the painting came from, but we have a painting of Bert Kreischer and it's kind of, I don't know what you call that style. Modern art. Well, it's like the hope, but it's not mapped out like hope, but it's that, you know, it's

an image. Yeah. Three colors. Yeah. To get an image. And then they painted the image. Anyway, we thought putting that on the front of her house, just a fucking shirtless Bert Chrysler with the logo Bert.

But you can't do that with windows. You need a flat building. Yeah. But then we thought, let's put that on the deck and make it Burt's helipad. Yeah. For when Bill Burr helicopters in here onto the deck. Just aim for Burt. But also planes flying over.

It'd be like, what? But yeah, and I'm not asking for outside resumes when I say this, but if we could get someone who could just paint something like that really quick. I'm not asking for outside resumes when I say this, but yeah, if we could get someone who could just paint something like that really quick, where it wouldn't cost us a bunch of money to put a fucking weird picture on the deck above the, on top of the fun house for people flying over.

Yeah. And I've never understood that. Like when you, when you fly over Vegas, no one's ever thought. They got billboards and fucking signs and cars driving with billboards on the back of them. Face them up. No, all the roofs are completely just have shit in them.

Like, you open your windows and you're looking out at garbage and old dumpsters are holding onto. I go, paint your fucking roofs. It's free advertising, you idiots. We haven't heard from that guy in years the the pilot we have a small that's right yeah a bill burr size airport here and this guy was he came to uh oh it was a taping of a cd or dvd or something i don't he came to something we had and then the next morning after one of his friends fucked one of our neighbors

and they stayed up all night they showed up and then they flew over the next day. We're just having the after party the next day, day drinking and they flew over with Stan Hope. Stan and Hope under each wing and they fucking buzzed Funhaus

several times. So he's the one that sent me initial aerial photos of my my house so yeah i don't know where he is but we could get him to fly over and fucking just a thought yeah it's a good uh good year for painters in bis Yeah, a lot of paint going on. I get a lot of thank you fans who send me repeated. Oh, yeah, bring that guy up. This guy, fucking great T-shirt. Herpy the Hawk T-shirts. What's his name? This guy, he sends you-shirt. Herpy the Hawk t-shirts. What's his name?

This guy, he sends you t-shirts a lot. No, no, this guy, he just sent us these t-shirts. Oh, he emails you a lot or tweets you a lot. He sent a bunch of these ones. He said Victor Cairo is his name. And he sent a nice note thanking us for the free funny stuff on the podcast. He sent us t-shirts.

It looks like any sports logo of a Hawk. It looks like an Iowa State. I figured you would describe it better than I did. It's a sports t-shirt with a big... The mascot is Herpy the Hawk,

and it's an angry hawk that would be on any team logo mascot, but it says Herpy the Hawk, and he has this giant blister-riddled cock and balls. That's the lid to the ointment that he's squirting onto his giant i didn't even notice that there's a lot of work in there yeah yeah it's a lot of details very good victor cairo victor thanks victor in the future you sent this colors i love it's orange yellow with black imprint. For Chad saying, make it a black shirt with orange logo, because Chad only wears black shirts. I don't wear black

t-shirts. I rarely wear a t-shirt. I have like six t-shirts I own. You're gonna die. Whoever sent me rape trailer, which I love to wear to the farmer's market. Just says logo, outline of a trailer. It just says rape trailer outline of a trailer.

It just says rape trailer. And if anyone gives me shit, I just say it's a band. You've never heard of rape trailer? They never have, but I've seen them staring at it when I forget I was wearing it. They're just, hey, my eyes are up here. Oh, I'm sorry, I was wearing my rape trailer. Could you not look at my chest, sir?

I'm always pretty conscious when I wear my black pussy T-shirt out in public. Somebody's going to say shit. Shall we get to gun control? I don't know. If you guys want to. I don't want to. I don't care. Well, Becker.

Becker has stuff. I've almost been on a news, like cable news blackout. I watch KVOA local news in the morning when I'm home with Jeff Beamish, my favorite weatherman. Still blocks us all on Twitter. Yeah, but Doug actually records Jeff Beamish. Fast forward to the news just to watch Jeff Beamish. I saw him do it. I believe it. Well, that's all on Twitter. Yeah, but Doug actually records Jeff Bemis. Fast forward to the news just to watch Jeff Bemis. I saw him do it.

I believe it. Well, that's all you need. It's unhealthy. That's all you need from local news. Nobody blocked you. What do you want to know about the... What do you see? A cease and assist?

Is that what you're looking for? Local news is, oh, and there's a blood drive. This and that. You just want the weather. I just want the fucking weather, and I want it from Jeff Bemis. That was it. If it wasn't Jeff Beamish. He's got a head like a light bulb.

It's fucking beautiful. Gigantic head coming out of this little tiny suit. He's got to do something. We got to track Jeff Beamish. Here's what happens. Over the course of years, it used to be John Overall was the main anchor, and Nicole Semery was the side piece. And then it was Jeff Beamish with the weather, and then it was Melanie Hunter with the traffic. fucking cabinet oh all of a sudden john overall is replaced by sean mooney semery has a baby she's fucking hit the bricks ugamug says brendan walsh yep they put her in

with fucking now it's a the fucking dote girl fucking alex dote jeff beamish is still there melanie hunter the hottest fucking girl she moved to sacramento now they have enjoy your riots ally potter or alley pots i think it's alley pots and she's fucked up the traffic every goddamn day and it's hilarious she's like i don't and now we're going to the cone zone it's not working it's hang on hey it's not working oh my god she's ridiculous but it's hilarious jeff beamish is the last man standing other than paul c kala with the sports they don't even announce him in the beginning paul c kala you know his name is paul c kala but he pronounces it wrong he can't pronounce his own fucking name he says it's like if you said paul spiccala and he goes no ccala he pronounces it like he's correcting your emphasis and i've

tweeted him i go you say your own and he liked the tweet but he hasn't changed it. For a minute, he did change it. Now he's back to Paul C. Kala. C. Kala. Like a... Like a... Sig Heil? Like an EMT in the ghetto. We need a C. Kala on this fellow over here. Ruin.

So anyway, Jeff Beamish, can we just... I actually tweeted Allie Potts, the new traffic girl, and I go maybe you can uh clear up this rift between me and my favorite weatherman for fucking 13 years i've been watching you jeff beamish and you blocked me just because we fucked up your hashtag sky candy graphic murder and disease photos yeah but again i mean it was it was taken in good fun and and it didn't change the weather well ally potts responded to me and she said uh lol thanks for the welcome and jeff beamish is yesterday's news she doesn't she obviously doesn't know the history with me and

jeff beamish she made a jeff beamish joke she's new. Yeah. She can't smooth anything over. I know. Sean Mooney, I don't trust that. That guy's got fucking evil in his soul. He's the only guy who can pronounce the teams of the Indian schools. He's mean. What you're talking about right now, I don't understand any of it, but I do understand what you're doing. I call it make my world a lot smaller.

Just focus on some other fucking shit, like who the news people are it's fan appreciation day if i want to tie it all back in a fan appreciation i'm a big fan of jeff beamish and i i took it a step too far bingo hates it when i talk about jeff beamish and i'll. I'll call her up when she's at the quiet house and I wake up here. Oh, you know what I'm doing right now. And then I start rapping. I'm feeling rubbery in the knees and my belly's kind of squeamish. Watching KVOA looking at Jeff Beamish. Do you love Jeff Beamish more than me?

Oh, I'm going through a tunnel. Click. Do you have any nicknames for Jeff Beamish that you use? No. Beamee. Oh, JB. Yeah. Beamer.

Yeah. Beameology. Yeah, when I'm talking to Bingo, yeah, I have a lot of nicknames. Until she catches on that I'm talking about Jeff Beamish i have a lot of nicknames until she catches on that i'm talking about jeff she goes crazy this is what started the whole thing i love my jeff beamish in the morning she'd go you love jeff beamish more than me well now i do and it's gonna fucking this joke is gonna run for a dozen years well jeff beamish is a super fan and i'm sure he's listening so well when i first tweeted jeff beamish uh about how

he's like i can't believe doug stanhope watches kvoa he's very nice and then i started asking him hey you're ginger or marianne between nicole semery and melanie hunter and then he shut me off then i try to set up Bingo's sister with him. He was just woke before the Me Too movement is all it was. He didn't want to get fucking roped in on that shit. I had Twitter people try to set him up because Bingo's sister is a meteorologist. And she's a desperate, what do you call it, spinster? Trying to get married. Well, yeah, she wanted to.

And I'mpped oil well. She shows up on a first date. She shows up on Tinder. You find her on Tinder, and she's the girl with the bridal magazine and the... She's already wearing the dress. Telling you what ring she wants.

Yeah, she's... Her time's running out. But she lives in Kansas City now, so please, please, please... No, she's in St. Louis, Missouri. Is she? Yep. You should really follow Twitter, Doug. Well, I...

She's a fan. She's an M.O., and Bingo told me she's in Kansas City. She's a fan. St. Louis, Missouri. Oh, fuck. All right, I tweeted it today that she's in Kansas City. Well, we'll put out her license plate number because you put that online. A vanity plate is the perfect thing to call it with her.

Anyway, so Jeff Beamish, we did have a rapport, and I broke that. And I'm sorry, I was a bad fan to you, Jeff Beamish, he did... We did have a rapport, and I broke that. And I'm sorry, I was a bad fan to you, Jeff Beamish, and I hope it doesn't take an alley pot to be the South Korea between my Kim Jong-un and your Donald Trump. L.A. Clipper. Who is the... You look like...

Your head looks like such a light bulb, it looks like you always have an idea who's the dennis rodman amongst us yeah i know oh yeah that would have been a better reference yeah that's what i was trying to think of we'll do the same podcast we'll do this podcast like uh the stand-ups act where we do the exact same podcast till we get all the fucking punches and tags right. Yeah. And then we'll put it out as a special polished up podcast.

That's really good. Hi, Doug. We'll get to gun control in a minute because Chad has figured out gun control. Hi, Doug, Bingo, Chaley, and Chad. Big fan. Thought I'd stop by and give you these. Do whatever you see

see you in Toronto anyway they're pictures of Route 66 motel signs neon signs that I fucking love I think there's an attribute on the back Instagram or something Kim Rosenberg Miss Matador

it's instagram.com on the back of Instagram or something. Oh, Kim Rosenberg, Miss Matador. It's Instagram.com slash Matador views or Miss Matador. So, yeah, fucking, I love these. Do with them what I will. I'm going to put them, bingo, if you could put those

in the Chaley mail bag, he will put those out with orders. That's what I do. I haven't done this recently, but I get a lot of fan mail. Not a lot. Not garbage bags full. I'm not the monkeys. Or Santa Claus.

I like to have the most current reference. I wonder where Stanup would fall on the scale between Santa Claus and the monkeys I think he's right there he's right with Judy Tenuto honestly that's when the monkeys like really started getting

flack is when the one with the fucking weird haircut said to the press oh the monkeys are more popular than Santa Claus oh there was a shit storm see how much more fun this is

without fucking stoners fucking staring at us so gun control Chad solved it actually David is it David Hogg the kid he looks like

a young Leonardo as a tell would say Leonardo Capricorn well no he reminds me of the guy that the kid that just went to prison for fixing drug prices. Well, he went for insider trading.

That's who he looks like, a young one of those. And he's got this attitude. He brags about the fact he probably isn't going to graduate. This is where it started. Sorry, I was saying I haven't watched cable news. That's how we got into a Jeff Beamish fucking offshoot. Oh, my God, though.

This kid is fucking just, they keep playing him, just like that fucking Dodger player licks everything. That's considered a fucking disability. Just get out of the game. Tardive dyskinesia. That's what it's called. You can't control your tongue anymore. Yeah, gross.

Hang out in a men's room. But, yeah, so this kid is is going around and he's just bragging about how the fact he goes oh we should ban all guns ever his dad was a cop we should ban guns from cops first go to sacramento and tell him no that's what we're saying yeah you put it in his same voice like he was saying we should ban no we're saying cops should yeah just like the uk hey i'm all for gun control, but cops first. We'll get rid of our guns. You get rid of yours.

Everyone, throw them in a pot. Same time. Yeah. To be honest, I have plenty of guns. Sensible gun control is cool with me if I can get ammo again on a reasonable basis. Right. And that's, again, that's why we're trying to get manufacturing back china makes all our bullets and they're just not sending as many uh the kid

i've only seen his face because i they make fireworks i watch news or by the way newser stop i'm had enough of fucking newser it was great when it started but i'm i'm looking for a new source unless newser.com stops with the a there it's a perfect american uh slogan read less no more it's just a just a paragraph which i like i just want a paragraph but it's a million different news stories unlike cable news which is all Trump all the fucking time and nothing else happens. But news is always the most salacious fucking stories. They used to be. They used to be.

But now they'll do like the top five states to take a shit in a clean restroom on a highway or whatever. Yeah. And you click on it. And then there's like half a paragraph. It doesn't tell you any state. Click here again here again well you have to click now three pages how about read less click less yeah click less but yeah no i love newser but the other thing was is like getting greedy when tim tebow was playing golf that was the lead story and i forget there's some national story that broke and i went okay newser i've always gone to you because you're like pretty updated

that was the fucking story for like eight hours that was the only story well overnight they don't update it's not a lead story it's the last story well I mean it was a but they update a lot anyway I like newser but stop with the fucking the ads now they have video ads fuck you newser straighten your shit up

I talk about newser on fucking stage because it's intricate to a bit and you're pissing me off. You're not... Alright, but they have actually emailed me, so they're fans.

So you're a fan appreciation. I appreciate you enough to give you constructive criticism about... So I've seen this kid's head this hog boss hog yeah and you already hate him anyway yeah but

they defend him they defend him to the point where he like he has some life experience he probably wasn't even at school today that shooting happened he goes I lived through it that's what he keeps saying we went through it it was three minutes I mean go to Bosnia if you want to talk about getting shot at on a regular basis i mean this kid has a one incident at school and he's gonna milk it the rest of his fucking life yeah well come out and join a protest of black people who get shot fucking all the time

by cops and by each other hey you're the fucking shooter at your school actually went to fucking jail unlike if it was a black school yeah those cops that shot fucking people are still in charge anyway i yeah just i just i hate his head no but i mean it looks like a young je Beamish. We're letting them run with it. And the thing is, you go, I get it, but really skipping school, blocking roads, and this to say you're against guns. And then when you find out the fact the kid probably won't

even graduate, they'll probably just graduate on purpose. But the idea, you're going to spend another year at the school, kid. You're going to spend a year outside of the school, and then he'll never be elected to any public office where he could be a cancer within the system. I'm not going to, because I already have bits about this,

and I'm fucking burning them on some podcast. But anyway, yeah. The premise is just because you're a victim doesn't make you an expert. That's right. And that's the thing. That's all he's done is he's gone, oh, and they're just letting him run with it and like i said his dad was a cop so you go does your dad want to ban guns because i'd be really interested i'll i'll go i'll go counterpoint and say listen if you were 17 years old or whatever he is 19 19 you're lying first of all becker is fucking

the strongest source of misinformation on the planet that i know i work for trump but yeah we would all be sucked into something like that if we were vocal and loved a camera at 17 especially in this day and age where anything is just for attention it's a fucking reality that we've built it's just you know whatever it's not this day and age that's a human condition is fucking for sure but there's never been a transfer of opinion and information freely like there is now. So you can get a fucking ridiculous concept like this and get it to take off immediately and leaving common sense in the dust. Where, whoa, wait. Just the outspoken majority of morons have a fucking opinion and they're arguing with memes

and you're like, that's, come on you're You can't have a legitimate discourse on Twitter, I've tried Oh, there's Facebook is usually where I expected all of that sort of stuff where everybody's fucking self-righteous

and sanctimonious and has their opinion about stuff. I like Twitter because it was only about self-promotion or fucking funny stuff because you were limited in your amount of texts. And if you responded every fucking minute to every single person, you clogged up people's fucking timeline and then they unfollowed you. So it was self-regulating i liked it that's great uh for entertainment purposes and it's a place i could be social because i'm not social other places but now i don't go there hardly ever because it's fucking anytime it's an issue

where there's more than one beat uh of I'm pulling anyone out of my transgender bathrooms. All right. That's pretty fucking black and white. What's your fucking problem? But when it comes to gun control and you have 17 year olds who don't even understand, Becker was saying the president needs to change.

Yeah. And that's not even how it works. But second, you go, Congress has to do it. No one wants to get rid of guns. Nobody does. It'll never happen. Ever. What if we started addressing the effects?

I listened to that butterfly effect on Audible. It's pretty good. John Ronson. John Ronson about the porn industry. And it says, what if we addressed the effect of freely available pornography to teenagers and started talking about that seriously as a fucking freedom you know how to how we should limit that for young people how many young people are gonna fucking you know it's a it's a different fucking there i i see where you're going with that

but they wouldn't be vocal. It just seems like there's shame involved in that. So no one would be vocal. Kind of like the Trump election. No one's going to be vocal that they're voting for Trump, but they'll fucking hit them. And I didn't even mean to say that. That was fucking kind of a retarded analogy

that I was trying to make on something that I can't even make it out to. But I see your point. Video games. How about that? You're not going to take their opinion on other things. Yeah. Yeah, no. Violence in video games, that's where they'd be outspoken.

It's not going to cause us to shoot up a school. Yeah, and you go, you know, every school shooter had a video game. So point being, if you said, said hey we're gonna take away your video games to most of those kids they go well that's not the problem it's guns no and here's the real problem it's you it's you you're a shitty 17 year old you've been spoiled your whole life you act like you shouldn't be shot kids in chicago get shot they're not even at school some of the opinions heard on the doug stano podcast are matt beck i'm trying to i'm trying to i'm trying to have the most sane rational voice i can think of because i know nobody wants to hear my opinion but that's the thing though these kids

bullied that kid until he shot him it's like if you fuck with a fucking rabid dog and he bites you go we need to ban rabid dogs you go no do you you fuck with a fucking rabid dog and he bites you go we need to ban rabid dogs you go no do you need to stop picking on rabid dogs you have to stop making rabid go ahead let's go with chad so this is the thing there's always been and there always will be a percentage of people who are harmful to the general society they'll fucking take out as many people as they can and that's been around forever that's never not been a thing now everybody wants to have an opinion about it or be the first one to tweet about it that they knew about it or that they saw it so now we have a different i used just quickly i i used to say everyone wants to be the closest to the house fire without being in it.

And they want to Facebook or Twitter it or have it. So and then it'll get picked up by the news. That's what the news includes now is the first person. The first person to report it on Facebook was this neighbor. You know, so everybody wants to get involved in it. I'm sickened when I see the fucking parents jump in front of the fucking camera to talk about i lost my baby in this fight like they're they're exploiting you they want you to get you crying don't fucking give them the satisfaction on the fucking news

the news is a for-profit operation shit when i worked at the newspaper here a bunch of kids ran into each other in the middle of the night on motorcycles. And it was a tremendous fucking news story. And I got up in the middle of the night and went to work and ordered up a fuckload of more newspapers. Because I knew that I could make a bunch more money the next day for the company. So people have to remember that portion of it, I think. That that gets skewed. You're giving me information.

We're giving you the information that you want to buy so yeah there's a whole story about the uh unified school district and the taxation on the thing yeah that ain't on the front page because you don't fucking give a shit so now but so now there's the more uh it's it's readily available to transmit these stories around that they're happening they've always always happened, but now they're happening, and we can tell people about it. But also the percentage of douchebags. I'm going to cut you off just because I just reached down and grabbed any fucking Bisbee observer.

I had to catch up what I was saying anyway. I lost what I was saying. Bisbee Unified School District, BUSD, summer school cut due to funding. Bisbee Unified School District, BUSD, summer school cut due to funding. That's the, underneath that, supervisors approve space agreement with city. Hospital donation will extend swimming season. If in the middle of that, there was two motorcycles crashed into each other in the middle of the night, driving drunk methamphetamine which story are you gonna read first you're the fucking problem you the reader you the watcher you the listener are the fucking problem as the marketer i know which one i'd put above the fold

that's what they call it so you make sure it's seen in the window as you walk into Circle K. This week only, we're going to have a colored front page. Motorcyclists. So yeah, it's a fucking big scam we talked about earlier. It's a big fucking gimmick. But that combined with the fact that there always has been a...

There always will be a percentage of people that are bad for society. Well, now as the population increases the in the instances of those people occurring are gonna increase as well we have too many fucking people so ironically and a million avenues of information to find out about these people so you put those together and then you think these are the only people out there everywhere yeah no it's a remember it's the old child molester the odds your kid would get molested is probably fucking one in a million i'm not good with irony but is it irony that uh the answer is less people And who makes less people than mass murderers?

So the guys, mass murderers, have the answer. And everybody is overlooking it. Yeah. There was a story on the newser about how this kid, the Parkland shooter, about how this kid, the Parkland shooter, is getting masses of fan mail and even scantily clad pictures from girls going, I was picked on too, and stuff like that. And they won't give him any of this.

It's pervertedverted was the quote. Perverted pictures. That would be the fuck. That's exactly what you want to give to him. Hey, remember when everyone was sticking gum in your hair? Yeah. Now all these girls want to fuck you and you ruined it. That would be like the worst hell for a fucking 18 year old kid. A perpetual

boner. That guy's gonna get fucked in the ass in prison and accidentally get a boner while he's crying because his testosterone is so high. This boner is not, I don't like this. They take a hole punch

and punch out all the nipples. You could have had this. And you could have had this. So close. Yeah. This is what you gave up. It was like, oh, God damn it. So at the end of every good drunk where we try to fix the problems of the world,

it always ends up with too many people. Feed the poor. Well, then they're going to be dependent on you. Well, no, then they're going to go, hey, things are great. Let's fuck. Yeah. You sent me a... UNICEF sent me a fucking hotel bar of soap.

Wash your pussy. We'll well fuck in a sleeping bag then our kid in nine months can eat the other half of the bar of soap that's the problem I have with these starving countries you look and they got these starving babies at what point did you have a romantic evening I did a whole bit about that I think that was

from across the street oh that's not available on the internet you can even get it on vinyl yeah fancy let's duck behind this dumpster for cover from the gunfire and make a baby i'll peel back your foreskin and flick the beetles up a good dick and come really quick inside me to make the baby because we've got to get those beetles for dinner before they run away or something like that. I was deemed insensitive.

That was back in 2009. I'd occasionally read a comment. It's not an accident that AIDS is rampant in Africa. It should be rampant here, but we've got technology that's usurped fucking nature, so it's not killing off all of us. It's called porn. You don't have to fuck a hooker anymore.

You just go on you porn. She couldn't do it as well as the girl in the film. Should we call this a podcast or should we just keep talking? Should we Kreischer this whole thing? I'm good. I don't have anything to say. Yeah. I like this.

Next time you want to come over to watch a podcast, you can't. I like that idea. Close that. You looked a little shifty when you came over today. I sprung a podcast on you last minute. Been shifty, for sure. I'll admit to that, for sure. But I was in a fucking good mood, and I thought,

I think my good mood could wear off on Chad Shank. I have a smile on my face. I loved my fans. No. That, the weed or the booze, all of those things probably. But, yeah. Hey, Australia, retweet my my dates they're on my website so uh yeah australia canada and europe we're gonna add more europe i i don't know if we're done

hennegan everyone's away forever fucking chaley's been away for like 10 months or something year hennegan's in vegas doing some fucking weird things no one knows what Hennegan does but he's distant even on the road he's like distant he's off somewhere and I'm really thinking about it you can't quit comedy but maybe taking after Europe we're gonna have to film

whatever special this turns into so I'm gonna do a few dates when I guess when we get back from Europe in the summer, late summer and film this somewhere, I got to do fucking Minneapolis. Evidently Hennigan finally found a venue. That's like kind of our old home for a minute. Me and Becker.

Almost moved there. I kind of, I lived nowhere. So when I spent I kind of. I lived nowhere. So when I spent three months there, I lived there. So, yeah, I got to do L.A., New York, which I loathe doing. Minneapolis, Phoenix, we haven't done except for that podcast thing. I keep thinking I already played Phoenix this year. No, I haven't. done except for that podcast thing i keep thinking i already played phoenix this year now i haven't just did the weird podcast thing and uh and then maybe vegas we might film in vegas i don't know that would be kind of cool yeah i i don't know if it's going to

be a good special i'm not a confident comic anymore but i know the shit i have is new in melbourne i know where my first gig in australia is in uh tasmania did you know that tasmania was actually part of australia i did not know that till the last tour i thought it was a fucking island unto itself like madagascar or sri lanka which might not even be they might be part of other fucking countries too i don't know but i know the only one i'm ever gonna go to of those three is tasmania and i fucking looked i'm trying to pack appropriately and i do this uh interview with some guy in hobart tasmania and uh he's i said well at least the weather will be somewhat decent still in april you know it's fall there but it's still gonna be decent he goes i wouldn't count on it

mate which is the worst thing you want to hear like you start blowing snow or anything he goes i'd bring a hat oh my god so i panic and i go on google uh i should start saying another search engine we should start that say bing or something else that doesn't fucking capture all your shit like fucking facebook they all do they all do yeah yeah are you really searching for i looked up in the encyclopedia britannica every time hobart average wet i look up hobart and it's like fucking high of 36 low of 28 and there is rain and snow emblems symbols so that's and then i do it well i go well that's two weeks out because i'll check it again it's worse eventually i realized hobart indiana is what comes up when you google hobart weather is fucking indiana the worst state in the united states 100 make sure you remember indiana is the worst state and we've been in all

50 for many years this this is not like a phone poll of three people no we've been to all 50 we've been there several indiana as a whole is the worst fucking spot in the united states it's palmolive you're soaking and the weather's even shittier than Tasmania. Because when I found Hobart, Tasmania, not so bad. Low 60s maybe for a high. 40s for a low. Still want to bring a jacket? Bring a hat, mate. Canada, we're full.

If Ottawa's up, Ottawa was the last thing we booked. I'm sorry I'm not coming to Halifax. I wanted to. I don't have time. I have like a week at home in between all of these international trips and uh i have to sit here and contemplate how i'm uh i'm gonna do a fucking year-long at least netflix binge that's my hope but yeah you start running out of money and then you get to work again it's happened repeatedly every time you don't work i don't i've never yeah it's been almost three decades since i've lived amongst the working people and uh i forget that if you don't work, you don't make money.

And then you spend money and you go, oh, why do I have less money? So, but the idea is to take a year off and do something weird. And I don't know what it is yet, but I want to take a year off and do something weird. All right, that's a podcast our producer thank you for filling in for Chaley if this has terrible audio if this is just blank that would be even

funnier because yeah I don't know if it's good to put out a podcast where we all had fun except for the Brooklyn and one you got to keep the oh shit speaking of rich Voolop is on the phone and Except for the Brooklinen one. You got to keep the Brooklinen. Oh, shit. Speaking of, Rich Voulop is on the phone, and he's got another bag. All right.

What do you want for music? Music, music. Chaley will figure it out. He found Joey Scazzola, who I just got your book, Joey Scazzola. If you're listening and if you're still jesus christ skag uh scaz.net scaz.net six it's from 2006 and there's a lot of uh you know it's dated material a lot of george bush rants and but joey i'm with you if you're still

jesus wish me luck on this Australian tour. Go Jesus. Go Jesus. Go Jesus. Party time. Party time. Drink your drinks and eat your eats. It's party time. Laugh your laughs and eat your eats. It's party time. Smile your smiles and heat your heat, it's party time.

Smile your smiles and do your blues, it's party time. Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time. Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time.

Oh baby, crap your craps and suck your socks it's party time yeah oh baby crap your crap and fuck your fucks it's party time crap your crap and fuck your fucks it's party time everybody crap your crap and fuck your fucks it's party time one more crap your crap and fuck your fuck, it's party time. One more. Crap, you're crap. Sam, fuck your pops, it's party time. Here we go. Party time. Party time. Party time!

Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Hey! Party time!

Yeah! Party time!