The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #257: Drunks Down Under, Heroin 4 Tickets & You Can't Teach Comedy

Episode Date: May 2, 2018

Podcast recorded prior to the last show of Stanhope's 2018 Australian tour with comedian Jeremy Elwood, Brian Hennigan and tour manager/comic Alex Hodgins.  Recorded April 24th, 2018 pre show in Auckland, NZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Hennigan (@MrHennigan), Jeremy Elwood (@JeremyElwood), and Alex Hodgins (@TrueComedyAust ). Produced by Hennigan. Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille) Go to [http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/) for tickets to all upcoming 2018 shows in Canada and the UK.  LINKS: Chad Shank Voice Over info at [www.AudioShank.com](www.AudioShank.com) Support the Innocence Project - [www.innocenceproject.org](www.innocenceproject.org)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night. Good night. Good night. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Is it on? It's always on. Oh, we don't know. It always starts, or it always should start in mid-conversation.

God knows what... I'll never know what Chaley does with these things, because I don't listen. I thought that would be a good forced rehab. What, making you listen to your podcast? I have to listen to one podcast every day. It would drive you insane. I'm not going to lie to you, I've never listened to it.

I don't think I've listened to a single podcast ever. I've been on a couple, but I haven't listened to one. We do On the Road when you're killing hours, and I like it. But listen at home. I guess people who have shit jobs and sit there for eight hours and don't really have to pay attention needs. Or if you're a biller, conker out of your chair and someone's just put it on. They're made for driving.

Yeah. Like when you're driving in a confined space for three hours, which is not something most people do. And we usually, we know the people that we're listening to. I was going to say, that's so weird, isn't it, that in our job, that is

such a normal thing. Yeah, I'm going to be in a car so weird, isn't it? In our job, that is such a normal thing. Yeah, I'm going to be in a car for five hours today and then work tonight. But if you're an accountant, you don't commute for five hours. You're a fucking truck driver. That's basically what you are. Sure, but that is the job, though. But I'm saying our job is a truck driver. You drive a lot of fucking hours to deliver something for fucking 45 minutes and then drive more.

Possibly. I might argue that the emphasis would be on the travel for the truck driver as opposed to the delivery. But I'm saying we get paid to travel. Yeah. Yes. Anyway, we're here in New Zealand. Yes. Jeremy Elwood, four years later.

Is it really four years? Is it? I think it's three or or four the scary thing is i went through i still have the same comedy notebook that's how little new material i've written in the four years that i could find my set list for the last time i opened for you that's fucking frightening well you're working you're writing for tv yeah yeah i'm doing a tv show here just yeah it's kind of like the show, but it's 7 o'clock, so you don't get to do anything cool.

You just get to basically make fun of the news. But yeah. Every night? Five nights a week. Fuck. It's going to be more work than you can get in comedy in New Zealand. You only have three cities, right?

Christch church and fucking wellington or something wellington hamilton dunedin at a push but that's yeah you are talking four four tops yeah you'd have to be turning over your fucking act real quickly oh i i did that for 25 years you know so i just thought i i thought i'd do something different, and then I realized that it involves regular hours, and that's a change after 25 years to go back to being in an office. Do you have to stay sober? Well, it depends who's listening on this. Of course he does.

He takes it very responsibly. Speaking of which, by the way, when we left you last. Can I tell you, when we left you last can i tell you when you left me last so so the last time you played auckland and i opened for you and the next day you sent me a message going i'm doing some day drinking do you want to join me and i went no i've got a corporate gig that night i was being all responsible and then i went ah fuck it no so i came around to your hotel i don't remember and you'd bought five bottles of overproof vodka because you didn't think New Zealand sold it. And you gave three of them to me,

which I took to the gig and hid under the stage. Now, thankfully, the theme of the gig was 80s rock and roll, so they thought I was playing a character. They genuinely did. They genuinely did. And then halfway through the gig i had security come over and pass me a note because i'm seeing this thing and they went someone has smuggled in three bottles of vodka can you ask them who they are and they have to leave and i had to go

well that's me and they're a gift it's a part of the show it's right it's a prop it's a prop yeah i'm gonna juggle at some point. I'd forgotten about bringing that much. I don't know what we thought we were going to get into, bringing that much vodka last time. Yeah, we were only here for one show. I think we might have been here for a day off. I know that. We must have been off for-

I think you did two nights, yeah. No, no, we only did one night. Two nights in the country. Yeah, I think we were here for three nights. And I also think it might have been one of those situations where we didn't coordinate, and I was on a different flight and bought vodka and then you bought vodka probably and bingo was with us so you maybe thought I'll buy vodka just in case ends up we have like a lot of vodka we had

shit loads of vodka and I remember that I found a bar that was was showing football. Yes. That's right. It was football season. So, yeah, I went to some place at like 9 o'clock in the morning or whatever. That's right. Fox's Sports Bar. I'm not giving them a free egg, but apparently I am now. Yeah. Yeah, they play football at 9 in the morning.

I sought out this time without American football. And then, as is the norm, you tweet, hey, I'm here, and six of your most awkward fans turn up and are awkward for six hours. Oh, but the Night of the Geed, do you remember that too? I had a message from a comedian, a colleague of mine, a New Zealand comedian, who said, are you having a drink after the show? And I went, yes, but don't bring anybody. And he turned up with like nine hangers on.

This big group of people. No, all I remember from that show was the just dreadful climb up a hill. Oh, God. It was like climbing a mountain to get up there. You could have got a cab, but it was so close you'd look like a dick. But the walk is directly like, yeah.

Also, I also remember the will he, won't he turn up of Kim.com. Oh, yes. Yes. Lila Haray. His handler lady. He was running a political party at the time. Yeah. She was his deputy.

She did turn up. And did not like it. No, she did not. She was sitting right in front of me. So after I finished, I ran around and sat in the audience. She was two rows in front. And no, she did not like it at all. It was great.

It was great. I didn't invite him this time. And then you were telling us about how ill prepared the bar was. Like when you arrived for the last Auckland gig. Oh, the venue. The gig hadn't even started, and they were sending someone to a supermarket to get more booze. Yeah, so you play this theater, which, by the way,

I think you may have been the last gig there. It then got demolished because it needs earthquake strengthening. Either that or you just killed it. But, yeah. I've closed down a lot of places like that. Melbourne last time melbourne there's i i'm sure this has happened to you too jeremy that uh girls that you fucked after a show that just go directly out and get married or turn gay yeah well you did that to the mainment theater uh you basically turned out the Maidment.

Yeah, because they were just basically doing student plays, you know, like students with no money, so they didn't have their bar stocked. I arrived about half an hour. They wake up the next day and go, what am I doing with my life? Let's shut this place and raise it. Yeah.

I need to talk to someone about my dad. So anyway, we're raise it. Yeah. I need to talk to someone about my dad. So anyway, we're day drinking. Yeah. In Auckland, where I left you with several bottles of alcohol. That's right. And then I went and did a gig for a big company, and it went surprisingly well. I've worked for them since, so I won't name them in case they hear this. All right.

Good. Yeah. I've worked for them since, so I won't name them in case they hear this. All right. Good. Yeah, I imagine. I mean, that must be one of the things in a smaller country is there's a limit to how many people you can piss off. Like, you can't be a fuck you to everyone in New Zealand and have a lot of avenues left. Yeah, totally. I've tried. But, I mean, I've got close to my limit. But, yeah, no, we're a really small country.

And what are we? Four and a half million? I think Brian's talking to himself like, oh, if I lived here, I'd be out of work. I'd have to be nice to people. No,

no, I'd be the king. I'd crush everyone. One or the other would be true. Yeah, exactly. It'd be a bit like living in Scotland, but without any shame.

This has been a... We've had, in the first eight shows, I think this is the 10th or 9th, maybe it's the first, three different people at shows passed out in the front row. I saw that on your Twitter account, yeah. Yeah, the second one we

didn't get a good picture because the flash didn't work and then he woke up but the last guy in in melbourne i'm like i like i at this point we're used to it and when i start rambling i'm like get in here with the camera alex get in here alex is with us too uh the promoter i don't know what your fucking title is he's just right in there everyone's taking pictures of the guy and then he continues to sleep and i go on with my set built in his lap yeah he had his beer was tipped over it looks like he pissed himself and then the fucking security comes in and i'm yelling, no, don't wake him up. Like, if he's that fucking passed out, I want to get pictures of this theater empty except for him. And I'm like, please. I was pleading with the fucking security.

And they turn around and they go, we're checking his vital signs. I'm like, oh, fuck. Maybe this isn't as funny. But he didn't even wake up till after well yeah they did the whole thing with the bending someone's thumb back because that always wakes somebody up really and yeah i put the guy said you if you do this it always works and he went this guy didn't respond and then so they got him excited if you're gonna break your thumb yeah you'd probably start to work out why you guys have an opiate problem in the united states because

Yeah, you'd probably wake up. I'm starting to work out why you guys have an opiate problem in the United States. Because, you know, that's not going to tell you if he's alive or not. Anyways. No, no. Wake him up. Wake him up. To figure out whether he's just, you know, asleep or whether he's fucking in a state of crisis. Right.

So they thought he was in a state of crisis. They get him outside. But it was the most, the security people in Melbourne were so caring. The guy sat with him like he was his dad. And the guy eventually wakes up and he's going, I was looking forward to this gig so much. And the security... Then he recognised you.

Then he goes, the security guy goes, don't worry, son, we've all done it. Don't worry. And then I'm walking past. And then in a very sort of poignant moment, the guy who's collapsed points at me and says to the security guy, but to the security guy,

I know him from the podcast. And the security guy has no idea what, you know. So hang on, he can see you from the podcast. Well, he's seen the default pictures, that type of thing. And then the security guy let him go in again at the end to sit at the back. It was very caring.

I think you've got a similar situation tonight. I just turned up and a couple of the guys at the front door weren't going to let me in until one of them came out and went, do you guys know who this is? Which does not happen to me very often. So thank you, Doug. Thank you, Brian. All right.

And thank you, whoever you are. Benjamin, I won't say your last name, but Benjamin emailed me. I was the guy that passed out at your show. I'm so sorry. I hope I didn't make an asshole of myself. Who was the guy who hit up on Twitter about he kicked me out because I said something dumb? That was the next night. Yeah, that was the next night when I was talking was the next night. When I was talking about the night

before, I'll say her first name too. But Benjamin, anyway, first of all, yeah, he sent me a sad email and I said, well, obviously you haven't looked at my Twitter feed. And I gave him the same, don't worry

about it. It does happen. I mean, what's the worst thing you've ever done to another comic? Like by being at one of their gigs. Oh, I heckled before I ever went on stage. But anything since? Terrible. If I'm drunk at a show, I go, fuck, don't do it, don't do it. And then I blurt something out.

I had an awful one. In Montreal once I got sat in a comedy club in like the second row center, you know, that direct, the first place the light hits and you can see it. And I said to the guy sitting there, I went, please don't put me there, man. Please don't do that. I'm a comedian. I'm the worst audience member. And I'm sitting there and this guy on stage is just dying and he starts

winging it and he comes to me and goes where are you from i went new zealand he made some shit fucking joke as you do and he goes what do you do for a living and i couldn't help myself i went i'm a comic what do you do oh and he put the microphone down and walked off and if whoever you are is listening to this i'm'm sorry, but it wasn't my fault. Yeah, but you have to go at your strongest line. And that was fucking right there sitting on a tee like a golf ball. It's sad. Little tennis ball floating in the air waiting to be hit. Yeah.

I'm sure I've done awful things. Well, that happened last tour in Melbourne. Oh. When as part of your show. Oh, yes. The guy in the front. part of your oh yes show yeah the guy in the yeah i heard about this the guy where i went i'm a comic yeah and i said what the fuck why why aren't you working on a saturday night you got all pissed and did a big drunken blog post about it cursing us all out and me out and everything oh Oh, he did? Yeah. He went nuts. Oh, I thought...

Yeah, he lost his mind. I remember that. Then he tried to get a gig on this tour. Going through his manager this time. He had my number. Oh, God. I remember that. My memory of that is it was all in good fun.

Well, it was good fun for the audience enjoyed it. It was a great fucking minimal you know rep rt because you crushed him and moved on unfortunately he was sitting there like a fucking incubation device well the fucking the guy that was uh what you told me about it afterwards alex the guy on the second night in melbourne he just kept blurting out shit like the first thing was something just like a word he just and he had a booming voice which i'm sure he thought oh i'm gonna fucking take it he yelled i think he yelled uh hindenburg or something the one i caught was uh dear swallow well that was the last one before that, he had just completely ill-timed, just blurted out.

I think he said Hindenburg as though it was like a bit of mine. And I go, I can't figure out what bit. Like, he's trying to prompt me to do a bit, but I don't know what it is. But it sounded vaguely familiar. And then now I'm just trying to figure out what do a bit but i don't know what it is but it sounded vaguely familiar and then now i'm just trying to figure out what bit he's referencing so i'm just and then i just moved on the second time he fucking yelled out i just plowed through it because now i'm in a bit you know it's all right if this is a nine minute bit i'm not gonna stop to address you i'm gonna fucking steamroll you and then the third time do you swallow which i'm sure he thought was appropriate for whatever the

fuck i was talking about and i just you know end of the tour you know what just you're getting thrown out if you're a man you'll throw yourself out rather than make security do it and he wasn't a man i just sat there not acknowledging anyone as though you know if he just stayed still the t-rex they can't see me if i stop talking they won't hear me or see me did he not have mates he had a mate and they both had girls with him. Yeah. And, of course, the girl's like, I don't know what they did that for. That's fucking crap, you know. And so, yeah, we get him out eventually. And once he's out, you know, he couldn't be more, you know, nice and affable. Drunk as fuck and he's like, nah, mate, you know, I get it.

I work in entertainment myself. And, you know, no, I had a shot. Drunk as fuck. And he's like, nah, mate, you know, I get it. I work in entertainment myself. And, you know, no, I had a shot, had to take it, took a chance, you know, went toe to toe with one of the greats. And I lost. I went toe to toe with one of the greats. I had a shot and I had to take it. I'm going back a sentence further than that. Just going, did you really? Well, he tweeted the next day.

He tweeted, or maybe even that night i think he tweeted at joe rogan just got thrown out of the stanhope show uh for saying this so you know you said a bunch of shit you dumb fuck and joe wasn't there i actually went and i know we into that whole line about entertainment i actually did a bit of a google you know dive on him and he's his whole all his information is out there like he works in fucking marketing he's got his resume online if you wanted to really destroy the guy which is not worth it but you know what i mean it's just like you are if you want to go to toe to toe with one of the best in the entertainment field. Yeah.

It's like, yeah, you're being a dick. I remember when I clicked on his profile on Twitter it just said TECHNO in all caps and with spaces in between each letter. TECHNO. TECHNO.

No. It's like Bingo's didgeridon't. By the way, we have been making jokes, Jeremy, just to be fair, about how you share a surname with a great Australian comedian called Ben. Ben Elwood. Who I have never met. That's fucking weird. No, I know.

Especially with the spelling, because there's two Elwood clans in the world, and the more common one has two L's. So Ben has one. And I've never met Ben. But it's fucking fantastic. Yeah, a little bit shifty. That would explain the one L. Yeah, that's right. The other one got nicked.

Yeah. And he sold the other one for crack. Speaking of, did we already tell the story? Which one? We couldn't have. The fucking, the Melbourne lady. No, we didn't tell the story. No, you've talked about it on stage.

Yeah, but not on the podcast. No, you're not on here. I get the first Melbourne show before that leading up to it, a Melbourne gal, Jody is her name, sent me an email saying, I don't have money for tickets for your show, but if you're interested, I have heroin, ice, speed, which I think is the same, but she put them together, prescription drugs, if that's what you're into, and all the alcohol, if you like, just a shot in the dark. And I had to write back and say, from what I know, I'm not interested in your drugs, but from what I know,

you can actually trade some of those things for money that you can use for tickets and she wrote back maybe i wasn't clear i don't i can't afford the tickets but i thought maybe you'd want to trade out for and i go no you were very clear and i thought i was clear in the fact that you can sell drugs for ticket money. Yeah, I think someone here hasn't understood the supply and demand economy. It's a pretty simple process. She wrote back. I have a product.

You have a product. Well, she wrote back and said, I wish it was that easy. How difficult. I'm going to do this story on stage. So you're going to hear this at the beginning of my show since it's only got a couple of fucking minutes left of being

interesting. But I gave her tickets. Oh, you did? At that point, I go, yeah. So I wanted to shit on her on stage. Also, her sheer indefatigability in terms of being faced with logic and not seeing it. And the show wasn't sold out. Yeah.

Yeah. It's not like she was doing one of those. Your show is sold out. Put me on the secret list. She was like, all right, seats. Somebody did point out or argue that maybe what she does to get the drugs. That was me. Suck dicks i knew i knew you

were involved somewhere no i said that the second night yeah i didn't say it the night she was there but when i told the story the next night i go i figured it out she probably sucks dicks to get yeah so why she didn't just say i'll suck your dick dick for a ticket, which I'd be more interested in trying heroin for the first time. You want to talk about the kid? Which one? The kid, the family. Oh, that was fun. Yeah.

I don't know if you've ever had this. People come to a show who are mourning. Last year, I got an email from a lady from Melbourne saying my son is dying. He's 28, 29. He's got this fucking blood cancer or some shit. And she said he really wants an autographed book. And I said, well, I'm on the road. But remind me in a couple weeks when I'm home,

I can send it. And then I forgot, and then I get an email saying, hey, it took a turn for the worse. It's not going to last long. I don't know if you can get that out quickly. And I go, well, if he's about to die, he doesn't need an autograph. Give me his phone number, and I'll just, you know,

don't tell him. Just give me a time where you know that you're gonna have a phone next to his head and so i called i called him up and i i said wow yeah you're dying uh that really sucks because i thought we'd be best friends and we could hang out together all the time and i'd we'd ride roller coasters together and i'd take you out on the road and we could hang out at johnny depp's house and your kid your age lots of pussy on the road but you're doing this dying of cancer thing it was very funny i mean the kid i mean is that big a fan yes he's gonna sure we had and then we had a great conversation and

i had to go directly onto the stage so i explained to the audience what i had just hung up the phone and i tell him the story because that's you know you know my head is there and then i go i'm gonna call back and see if this fucker takes my call still. Now that we're best friends. I called and it rang and then eventually went to voicemail and I left him this from the stage message. All these people wanted to wish you well, but you fucking you want to be my best friend, but you don't even take my fucking calls. I know you're there. I just talked to you five minutes ago.

You fuck his whole family he died uh 10 weeks later but his whole family 19 people showed up at last night's show and they bought tickets which was great yeah in australia yeah last night in melbourne uh or the night before i don't i miss a day when i travel and they came out and uh you know i had a few of them mom and sisters backstage backstage which is an alley like we smoke in here and they were they were very sweet mom was pretty fucking hammered and i didn't know if she was gonna get through the show. So how does that work for you? I mean, you have a fascinating fan base because of what you put out there. Did you say an assinating?

No, I said fascinating. No, but assinating. Fascinating is probably a better word, maybe. Yeah. I thought you coined a perfect term for my audience. You've got an entire fucking self-destructive fan base who come along and see you because they're going there but for the grace of God. Do you feel any responsibility? Yes, I do. Yeah?

I do. I was tweeting, hey, I mean, after the first show in fucking Hobart when this guy was asleep in the front row. I always tell people on Twitter, pace yourself. On this tour, one of the earliest, I always get, hey, we're drinking, gearing up, tailgating for the Stanhope show tonight.

And you're like, it's fucking 3.30 in the afternoon. And there's a picture of two of them drinking fucking 40 ounce beers in their fucking car. And you the afternoon and there's a picture of two of them drinking fucking 40 ounce beers in their fucking car. And you go, don't do that. There was one on this tour, I don't remember what town, it was 9.30 in the morning. Just cracked my

first beer to celebrate but it doesn't matter. The point is, you start drinking at fucking 9.30 in the morning I don't care how good you are. You are not going to be fucking coherent to watch a show. At best, you'll fall asleep. And I only saw the front row people.

We're playing big houses where when I tweeted that picture of your guy with the fucking beer spilled in his fucking lap, guy with the fucking the beer spilled in his fucking lap i said god knows how many other people other people said had one passed out my row two at the same show i just couldn't see him but it's very disheartening when you look down in the front row the cliche is that comics and it's true we always focus on the one person that isn't laughing. Yeah, of course. Of course. But when you're focused on the one person who might not be breathing,

you stop worrying about the laughs. But I do understand that I draw fucking drunks. Not a lot of fucking teetotalers read Bukowski. Yeah, I get that I... Because you've had some losses over the years, too. I mean, you've lost some friends doing that.

I mean, not doing... Sorry, I'm not trying to put the emphasis on your comedy at all. But, I mean, there must be a point where you start going, is this healthy or not? Well, I can't not be who I am. So, yeah, suicides and alcoholics and mentally ill are drawn to me. That's my usual fan mail. Like, listen, I don't want to live anymore. Can you help me?

Or, yeah, I'm such a drunk or celebrating it like I do. I just got fired for doing this. Fuck. I'm at work right now on acid. I shouldn't be driving. Yeah, we didn't tell you to do that you know it's like yeah there's like a certain catharsis people think oh i can do anything because i've been empowered by listening to this oh i totally understand i'm just wondering i mean yeah does it i mean yeah

personally it must be take a no uh no no i don't have any feelings but i it's it's it's changed me in well the the trump thing especially yes where you go all right i used to do a bunch of bits that now i wouldn't do those bits or I'd reword those bits. Still stand by the belief. But I know, yeah, all right, people are fucking stupid. And it was the Trump thing now where I have people that are pro-Trump people that are following me, like your fans. I know I did bits where, yeah, I used the word nigger because i'm not going to say n word if i'm discussing the word itself but now i just think oh shit are people looking at my back

catalog not listening and now think that now that the the divisiveness is somewhat different. Yeah. Can't read between the lines. Yeah. That's how I was. Any thoughts about running again? No, fuck no. Because that was the first time I got in touch with you. I emailed you years and years ago about trying to bring you out to New Zealand for tour, and you couldn't do it because you were running on the Libertarian ticket.

Yeah, that was the stupidest thing I ever did. It wasn't fun. It it wasn't funny i can't imagine it would be either like well i was gonna do it as a goof for me someone talked me into running on the libertarian ticket like if i just did it as a fucking goof and didn't actually sign up maybe it could have been fun but then once libertarians were taking me seriously because they're fucking regular candidates are as pathetic as me and i'm like oh they expect me to know a bunch of shit that i don't know and i can't learn the thing that i think is bizarre about the whole trump thing which is undoubtedly true like you see the fucking what not memes what they called the

identifiers on twitter of people and there's so many like maga and like people with fucking america hats and it's like have you ever heard one of doug's most famous bits which is the bit on immigration yeah it is the polar opposite of trump it is it's like what is it you're hearing? But they could still take that the wrong way. And they could take buzzwords the wrong way. You do have the occasional track that misleads people, such as that one titled, I hate the Jews. Which. Nationalism.

Yeah. They could take as anti-government which yeah you know they hear what they want to hear uh but you should run here because i'm not kidding uh this is not a joke in any way the leader of our libertarian party is about to appear on dancing with the stars wow yeah you have a star that's a libertarian wow i think even libertarians that are celebrities that were libertarian are probably backstepping a bit because they're trying to like drew carrie i bet he probably talks a little less libertarian now that too many people like that are... Because there's a lot of fucking weird Nazi fucking racist fucks in the Libertarian Party.

Which, they're gonna be fucking Nazi racist fucks anyway. They just hate government as much as other people, but now the fucking lines are drawn in different ways that I don't understand.

This is about the 20-minute mark, so Chaley will be glad that I paused so we can do some kind of advertising that we don't even have. So if my voice sounds a bit different or chipper, or maybe Chad Shank will do it from home. All right. Let's take a quick break and make drinks and have a cigarette.

And we'll be right back after no messages. Great news, kids. The much neglected merch page on my much neglected website has been taken over by Greg Chaley. So we have tour T-shirtsshirts podcast t-shirts we have pop-off vodka presents t-shirts get them before we get sued before we get the cease and desist and a whole shitload of uh cds and dvds that span a lifetime a sad tragic bloated lifetime of my fucking horrible thoughts and pontifications. So help me get that shit out of my crawl space.

Thanks for that. And now, back to the podcast previously recorded. Hey, we're back. This is like doing a two-show Monday. I don't think he stuck to it. Yes, indeed. He did. Did he? That was it.

It's like doing what? A two-show Monday. Because we're doing a podcast before the New Zealand show. So I'm drinking at the pace of a show. Yeah. This is one thing I noticed when I went to take a piss during the break. You know how they have showers in theater green rooms?

And you go, who the fuck? We're not athletes. Sure. That fucking shower is recently wet. Did you shower in that fucking shower? I didn did you shower in that i didn't i think someone just showered in that green room i think the owner lives in here oh okay yeah we're kind of in a side yeah building to the venue all right to give him his credit we're we're recording at the hollywood cinema in evandale which is is outside Auckland. And my understanding is the guy who owns the place

basically saved it from demolition and turned it into this esoteric, cute cinema and place that does gigs. Yes. Yeah, you're right, as far as I know as well. Hugh is a really interesting guy, loves his movies, loves his actual film. So he's made this place a bit of a

haven. But you do have some weird choices of venues. Well, a lot of them are just rolls of the dice. It's not like you can send out a front man to go, hey, fly over to New Zealand and see, check out some of these places.

Also, bear in mind, we are driven by certain, our mutual dugout eyes. No, no hatred of Ticketmaster and Live Nation and people like this. Our life could be much easier if we just take the same. If the audience is going to get fucked on the ticket price, it should go in our pocket. If the audience is going to get fucked on the ticket price, it should go in our pocket. The most fucked up thing about them is you write in Doug Stanhope Australia into Google. Ticketmaster is the first thing that appears with all of our dates listed. And you click through to it. Is that resale?

Yeah. And it looks like the regular Ticketmaster site. Wow. And when you click through, it goes red to their resale page. There's no tickets available, but they take that top Google position. Those resale sites. I mean, that's just horrible. Yeah, that's just economic power.

Yeah, I just read a story. I'll never fucking understand how that works. I have notes. We have a show to do. You mentioned... Well well i've also i'm noticing classes you mentioned the guy that got fucking thrown out oh it wasn't no that wasn't even melbourne there was one guy we threw out of a show sydney's being a dick and security came up i go no you're getting fucking thrown out you're being a fucking asshole and he had to stop to put his shoes on that's like are you you really but it wasn't the first

time there was one of the shows i think adelaide or Canberra. One of the early ones, yeah. There were three people, two of them wearing like cheap dollar store fucking flip flops. And one of them had them taken off. I go, are you really fucking. Oh my God, the jandals culture in this part of the world. Just, you call them flip flops, we call them jandals. They're the same thing. Thongs in Australia. You know, bread tag hanging pieces of shit that people put on their feet and they consider formal

wear here it drives me insane it drives me insane we turned up a hotel or somewhere and we're checking in and you go irate because there was a guy standing on the like foyer at this in this posh hotel smoking outside fucking completely barefooted with these giant fucking Bigfoot feet. Oh, I'm with you. They're a New Zealand icon. But when I board a plane and there's some fucker sitting with me in premium economy, which is what passes for business class these days, he's got his jandals on. I'm going, just shoot yourself now just end it is that an abbreviation of jesus sandals no it's a japanese sandals oh it's abbreviation

so thanks for trying to make it religious but this guy's got security this guy's got security on each side of him, but he's just wedging his shoes on. I'll be out in a minute. In a theater. Oh, it drives me crazy. Kick your fucking shoes off and relax and watch comedy. What the fuck? I'm on Netflix, but this isn't it.

If you're watching it at home, I'm going to chill here. Jeremy was telling us he's been approached to do comedy classes. Well, I've read four books over here. The Stowaway

was great. The Fatal Shore, too much information that i want to like once i read 603 pages about the founding of australia that's a i want to tell you all the stuff i remember and it's not funny i got rid of that in the first few shows but then i brought a book i brought some burner books a guy named stevie ray that teaches comedy classes in minneapolis for three decades sent me a book to the house because he knows how i feel about comedy classes he was it was in reaction to your continued pummeling of these comedy classes yes that you you can't teach comedy and he said well you know what's

some people can't teach uh comedians can't teach comedy a lot of times because uh they know how to do it but they don't know why it's what he had this whole dissertation in a two-page letter that was a while ago but i go i'll bring that on the road because it'll make me fucking angry when i run out of real books and uh i read it in three hours it it took me uh like nine days to read a 600 page book that i was interested in his 200 page book three hours of are you fucking kidding me? I'm with you. I don't think you can teach it. I think you can teach the techniques. You can teach someone to hold a mic, and dear God, could someone fucking teach young comedians how to hold a microphone?

I mean, to me, that is the number one lesson. It's just it sits up here by your face. It doesn't sit down here doesn't do that see i'm projecting so that probably didn't sound andrews is 20 years in before we could finally break him occasionally of holding it like a rapper where he'd put his whole hand around the top this joke about this one no come on no it on. But in terms of actually teaching comedy, I just don't think you can. And I think when people try to, they run into this wall where they just create a bunch of students. Well, you know the comics.

And this guy is teaching someone to be the best open miker that will never you know comics that are scientists yeah that actually can read this book and go okay if i say a and make something incongruous and that was the mayor okay he's gonna sure sorry there's a cock being sucked and oh what you wouldn't expect that to be your grandmother oh and we have hit this world where those people will make a living. They'll probably do all right. But are they doing comedy? They're just taking up time. Yeah, they're taking up time and they're taking off boxes. That's why there's 35 people signed up for the open mic that will never go anywhere because they read your dumb fucking book.

There was one of the things, and I tried to read it with an open mind after i i brought it to hate it and i go why don't i read this with an open mind and there's some things where he's talking about how to tighten up your jokes and i go you know what i should be actually working on my set but not because i learned it from your book it's You're reminding me I shouldn't be this fucking lazy and reading books to hate them when I should be working on my set. But one of the things was, he said, how to make a... If you have a funny story, tell it to your friends in 60 seconds. Then go back and try to tell the same story in 30 seconds. This will train you to cut out all the dead words that don't need to be there.

First of all, A, you never work out bits at the table. You don't fucking work out your bits on your friends. That is fucking comedy rule number one. fucking work out your bits on your friends that is fucking comedy rule number one b there's a story wait unnecessary detail can sell a story so much and he actually goes on and ignores this later on when he's telling a different fucking story there's a comedy the old Comedy Underground in Seattle. There was a bartender who did open mic. And I went to play there. And I got there a day early for open mic. And he says, did you hear what happened?

He said, I got my identity stolen. I just got out of a fucking federal detention center. Someone had stolen his identity, started a pot farm in Montana, which got fucking raided, busted. His name is on it. He gets arrested out of the blue in Seattle, spends four days in a fucking federal detention center trying to plead his case.

I've never been to Montana. I don't know what the fuck he's got this brilliant story he goes i go you're gonna talk about it on open mic and he goes yeah so i went down and basically he said yeah someone stole my identity you're gonna steal my identity i guess you owe all my fucking credit card bills. I have bad credit. And that was it. He skips all. He does exactly what this Stevie Raycox sucker does, goes immediately to a joke that no one really cares. It gets a titter.

I think that's the truth, though. I mean, yeah, there are routines that you can make better by cutting the words down. But sometimes there's routines that are a one-line joke that by adding five or six minutes to them you can make them golden you know i'm about to do four of them in front of you tonight like i've got i've got four fucking jokes tonight but it's gonna take me 15 to 20 minutes to tell them, man. Okay.

So that's what I'm doing. It's the fucking last day of the tour. It's the last day of school. Save me writing material, motherfucker. I have stuff I could say about the comedy class, but I'm not in a position to say it. It's true. I don't know why you even said that.

But it's just there are so position to say it. It's true. I don't know why I even said that, but it's, it's, it's just, there are so many things in it. It's like one of the things that it reminds me of, and I could go into this later in writing is, um, the,

an issue with comedy and marketing, right. Is that there are, it lacks enough jargon. Jargon is very useful for repelling outsiders. That's why a lot of industries have legitimate jargon. That's why we don't understand black people. Because it quickly identifies you as someone

who doesn't know what the fuck they're talking about. Comedy is not like that, because all the words you use, like opener, even opener, something like that, or closer, or fucking call back these are things that are quickly understood and you don't there's no barrier to entry and it's the same with marketing anyone can read uh an article about what happened with a company that and it didn't work out and say oh yeah their marketing was shit because there's no barrier to

entry they don't understand this easy thing to say and therefore you can establish yourself as a so-called expert in either of these industries even though you've never actually done something and the thing i always say about marketing which i think is legit when you apply it to comedy is when someone's giving you fucking advice about marketing. Check what mountains they've climbed. Don't fucking, because anyone could give you advice about mountain climbing without having climbed a mountain. But you might want to ask, what mountains have you climbed? Oh, coming from a country that takes a lot of pride in having climbed a particular mountain. We have one mountain.

I will argue with you on one point. I think comedy has some really specific phrasing. Like, for example, when I contacted you about doing this gig, you talked about doing time, whereas I talked about running gear. All right. And they're kind of separate, but we come to the same conclusion. But I think with comedy, I mean, part of it is, I think a big, big part of it is just that I don't think you can teach it

because I think you have to have an inherent sense within yourself of whether it's funny to you. Yes. And if it's funny to you, then eventually it will or won't, because not everyone who thinks they're funny is going to make it, but it will or won't become funny to other people. But when it becomes funny to a formula, then you're just going, no, now you're a... But those are the people that take comedy classes. Exactly. Of course they are. They want to become funny.

They're not funny people that don't know how to arrange a set. They're people that go, I'm a big dollard, but I love comedy. I wish I could do that. It's like, you can't teach me to sing. There's no way you could do it i think sylvester stallone and dolly parton did a movie about that uh this guy uh what as far as the nomenclature he does explain what a callback and a tag are okay and now the rule of three however you say it it's kind of a cliche in comedy. Sure.

Yeah, things are funny in threes. This guy has a chapter or paragraph. He explains the rule of three like he's writing law. Like it's a real rule. See why? Here's an example. I brought the usual things I'd bring on a honeymoon. A nice suit, a bottle of champagne, and a gun.

And then he goes on to show other examples where if you try to do that with four, it's not funny. Like, it's science. Like, you go, you fucking don't get shit. I used to run this genuine open mic night on a Wednesday where you could turn up and do anything. And we had moments of beautiful, just magic. We had a guy turn up who's like, I've just been released from prison.

Here's a song I wrote about the nun I met there who turned me around and just played this gorgeous song. But then we had this drama class upstairs and she would send them down going, they're going to do speeches. Okay, cool. And it was, this is Amber doing the, you can't handle the truth speech from a few good men. Like four minutes in, you'd be just going, oh my God, I can't handle the truth and I don't want the truth speech from a few good men. And like four minutes in, you'd be just going,

oh my God, I can't handle the truth and I don't want the truth and make it stop. And it's the one night that I ever emceed where I watched a poet punch a comedian in the face for being offensive. So, hey, that was good. It was a good time. You've also met one of my favourite comedians,

Stuart Francis Canadian He used to throw in when he came to the States sorry to the UK the start of the 2000s he'd just shout out randomly throughout his set You can't handle vermouth! It's just funny as fuck

Stuart was the first non-New Zealand comedian that I opened with. Really? Yeah. What a funny guy. Enormous head. Yeah. Yeah.

Like a Lego brick with bricks. Funny guy. We've got to go do a fucking show. God damn it. This is the last show. Yeah, I feel good about this one because I don't give a shit. Yeah, I'm looking at my notes. Hey, sorry for shitting all over you, Stevie Ray, but you sent me that book with a letter just fucking daring me to.

And I finally got around to it a year later. I don't know you, Stevie Ray, but you're wrong. And he's got a credit now he's making a lot of people very happy by thinking that they're funny uh a fucking toast master somewhere and uh yeah and in the meantime a comic who just doesn't want to be uh yeah oh there's already 35 people signed up because of your class. I guess I won't do open mic. I don't want to. Yeah.

And that guy. Go ahead. No, I was just going to ask. Sorry. Is there anything you need to, words you need to say for Chaley or anything? Yeah. Chaley will just plug those in. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Sorry. Yeah. We'll close on whatever song Chaley picks. Canada dates, UK dates. Dates you want to plug? No, not me, but I want to ask you.

So this time, last time you were here, you were plugging Kim.com saying he was kind of responsible for your resurgence. Any words now? What? No, no, no. It was Napster. Oh, was that not him? Okay, no. It was Napster.

Oh, was that not him? Okay, ignore all of that. My resurgence. I'm just bullshit. Oh, no, no. In my last book, I was talking about when Napster was falling down. I was the first and only featured

comedian, and I was finally getting known on the internet, and then they got shit-canned. But I thought, didn't Mega Upload kind of pick up where they took off? Not to our knowledge. Okay, my bad. Well, it ties in, so that could have been the conversation. Yeah.

Also, Pirating Shit was, yeah. Probably fairly drunk. Well, that's entirely possible, yeah. Sorry, never mind. Yeah, the whole idea of pirating stuff. Yeah, if I already put it out and you can't afford it, steal it. I still say that. Fuck it, steal shit.

The problem is that even now... Just don't film me and fucking steal it. People not understanding the difference between pirating and bootlegging it's like one of those things you go to your grave still not being

able to explain I know anyway that was my bad that's why I make my bits longer and more rambly so you know what

you have to listen to the whole 23 fucking minutes and your phone's gonna die before you get it off alright Jeremy Elwood what's your twitter at Jeremy it off. Alright. Jeremy Elwood.

What's your Twitter? I'm at Jeremy Elwood. On everything. One L. You're one L. E-L-W-W-D. No relation to Brian. And at

True Australia. True Comedy Aust. A-U-S-T. But you probably won't see me pop up again. True Australia? True Comedy Aust. True Comedy Aust. For Australia. But you probably won't see me pop up again. Fucking no one over here uses Twitter. It fucking makes me mad. Except that one guy you throw out.

Fuck that guy. All right. Good night. Good night. Why Randy? Why Randy? Why Randy? Why Randy?

Why Randy? Drinking wine. Randy, fine and dandy. Randy, fine and dandy. Randy, fine and dandy. Randy, fine and dandy. Randy, good time. Randy, all right.

Come on. Party, Randy, Randy, party. Randy, Randy, party! I'll party! Randy, Randy, party! Oh, church came and Randy, Randy, pig caught you drinking. Randy, tiny for hours, didn't know he was Randy. Randy, I still love you,, Randy I love you even more Woo-hoo!

All right, come on. Party, Randy, Randy, party Come on, party, Randy, Randy, party Party, Randy, Randy Randy Party. Party. Randy. Randy. Party. I'm

man. I am