The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #258: Back From Australia and Pacing Myself

Episode Date: May 9, 2018

Doug is back from Australia and riding in style.Recorded April 28th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Mat Becker (@houdini357), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by Blue Apron – Check out this week's menu and get your first 3 meals FREE at [BlueApron.com/stanhope](www.BlueApron.com/stanhope). Casper Mattresses – Get $50 toward select mattresses by visiting [Casper.com/stanhope](www.Casper.com/stanhope) and using promo code “STANHOPE” at checkout. Terms and Conditions apply.Go to [http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/) for tickets to all upcoming 2018 shows in Canada and the UK. LINKS:Chad Shank Voice Over info at [www.AudioShank.com](www.AudioShank.com)Support the Innocence Project - [www.innocenceproject.org](www.innocenceproject.org)Closing song “King of the Road" written by Roger Miller and performed by Boots Randolph on the Jimmy Dean Hour - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFS1pl0DNLESupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast that was at the beginning of capitalism not the end this is the end i remember when hitler introduced the volkswagen don't you dare start fucking eating on a mic. What? You. Your goldfish. No, it doesn't pick up goldfish.

Did you set your mic for goldfish? Oh, I'll set yours for gummy goldfish. Goldfish pass filter? Yeah. Were any of you on the the Joby anchor team? The what? Oh yeah, I was.

Oh yeah, it was the first call. I was supposed to be, but Joby knew I was in a cavern. Yeah, the anchor would have been a symbol for something. I forgot about it until just when you said it, and I felt like a dick because I missed out on it. Actually, I told them we weren't going to be back until later

because I think we're picking up Doug. And I said, yeah, like 3 o'clock, we'll be back. All right, we'll wait until then. We said hi to Doug. Got here, and I didn't even think about it. It was like an hour we were here, and then someone pointed out the anchor. I'm like, whew, dodged that bullet.

It was fucking huge. It went really really good but it was amazingly heavy yeah the really funny part was it was derrick and some friend of joe b's and then uh we had the anchor the four of you yeah four of us so joe b and i were on the outside and we're gonna okay we're gonna put the the handle part that's laying down there this is like a real It looks like it's from a fucking 1800 schooner. Yeah. 800 and some pounds. Well, I got the history on it. What is it?

It was actually stolen from a restaurant in Newport Beach. A relative. I think it might be. It doesn't matter. I think it might be Joby's mom's sister. They were out cruising around Newport Beach as high schoolers, and the football team lifted it and threw it in the back of the truck, and they fucking took off.

And it's been passed around between family members, and Joby had it last, and now you've got it. It's past the statute of limitations. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I wanted to track down the old football team, because we know who they are. Do you remember stealing an anchor? And he goes, yeah, I do. Why statute of limitations. Yeah, but I wanted to track down the old football team because we know who they are. Do you remember stealing an anchor? And he goes, yeah, I do.

Why? Whatever happened? I'm trying to think of the restaurant because down that strip down there in Balboa, there were restaurants that are still there that were there in the 60s. And I remember that one that said, don't look up here.

And it was a fish in neon. And that would be the place that would have something like that. It would be something that's would have something like that. It would be something that's probably still around down there. Well, it's a nice accoutrement to the metal palm trees. Well, they might want to get it back. Good luck.

Disguise your voice. Did you lose an anchor? Could you imagine driving a long distance with that in your truck, though? It just starts wiggling. Scraping. Oh, shit! I've been trying to figure out what kind of truck they had to throw this anchor in there the whole time. Oh, back then.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, they just had a bunch of muscle heads. That was it. Yeah, but the truck still had to make it. I remember Newport Beach cops always being dicks. I mean, even without an anchor scraping in the back of your truck. Now that I'm thinking about it, I can't imagine a truck that would fit in. A Love's truck?

A Chevy Love? A Chevy Love. Or one of those old, like with the big wheel wells and the small little bed. You know, you see them driving around here. The classic cars now. Speaking of, did you see the Pacer? I have not seen it in real life. Oh, it's out front.

You missed it? Wait, is it still there? Wait, it's gone already? No. Did you tint the windows? Because it might have spontaneously combusted from the fucking sun shining through all the windows. Yeah, if you don't know what an AMC Pacer is, look it up. Google it.

It's all windows. It's a Popemobile, basically. Oh, it's on the show notes. It'll be in the picture. Yeah, it's a 75, and I found it on eBay with 4,300 original miles. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. You were drunk in Australia.

Yeah. Searching. But on. You were drunk in Australia. Yeah. Searching. But Beck and I were talking. You've been talking about this forever. Since the man show days, I'd look up 70s classic pieces of shit with original miles. Low original miles. And I remember finding a bunch, but they're always like in fucking Connecticut or something. I'm not going to drive a fucking Pinto wagon as beautiful as that wood siding might be all the way across country on a long weekend.

There was always something. And this time, I'm like, fuck it. They can deliver it from Chicago. And yeah, it looks good. But it's got brand new miles, but it drives like it's fucking... We forget, though. That's what cars used to drive like.

43 years old. A lot of play in that wheel. Yeah. Yeah. You're rocking back and forth, and it's just going straight. Yeah, it had to go to the shop immediately because the headlights wouldn't turn off. Yeah. Oh immediately because the headlights wouldn't turn off. Yeah.

Oh, shit. They wouldn't turn off. The guy who delivered it, we're like, where is this guy? And it's coming from Chicago on a transport. This guy couldn't get even three blocks away from here because he was afraid of the wires because he had double-stacked cars, and it covered like rolls

royce like was the the signage on the side and he's like oh man uh these these wires i almost hit the wires like what the fuck dude is it the car in there you get this rolls royce thing delivering a pacer to bisbee and we we unloaded it on the hill. And he said, he goes, is this your car? I go, no. And he goes, I go, it's my boss's car. I'll sign for it. We'll take care of it. Your boss, he comedian? I go, yeah. He goes,

they know him at DOT. Department of Transportation. He got stopped because he had six cars in this thing. And he got stopped. And they took the dogs through it. He got stopped because he had six cars in this thing. And he got stopped. And they took the dogs through it. He got way late, an hour. When they called and said he's stuck at the border, it wasn't the border.

It was the Department of Transportation. And it took him an hour just to get everyone to, like the mirrors and everything. He was looking for everything. And then he couldn't get out of here fast enough. And we didn't even check the brakes i realized that we went straight uphill down to your place here at van dyke and i'm like wait i didn't even pump these i don't even know it's gonna work so downshifting one and done

it was two days before i was sober enough to drive it. Yeah. You went looking for eight tracks that night, right? We went to go get to the thrift store. We found like 28 track tapes. She wasn't sure she had them. That was the best though. She goes, I'm not sure we have any. And then we found them before and we're like, you have them. And we got all of them.

Yeah. And then I realized that I didn't bring any money. Yeah. Fortunately, I have good credit at the thrift store. That's it. That's the way he goes. Well, just pay me later. It's like 25 cents a piece.

He goes, I'll give you 20 bucks. And we got armloads of them. I mean, she made out. But the point was is we found them. And there's enough where at least it's a variety. And yeah, the King of the Road. Yeah, that was the one. All right.

That's a keeper. We'll only play that because we're only driving this to fucking Safeway and back at best. And parades. And parades. I bet we rent this out to a lot of fucking mayoral candidates. Right after you... Fourth of July. You sent me the email and it's got a lot of history to it as well.

Prominence. I didn't know the word, so I said history. I thought that word. But there's car shows and stuff coming up that I was going to tell you about, like locally here. Yeah, they came with a few awards they won. I haven't looked at all the shit that came with it, but it was evidently the model car that they used for the brochures

for those Navajo seats. They're very cool fucking seats. And it has Arizona plates, real Arizona plates. So they took it to Chicago, resold it to you, and then charged you to drive it back. I know. It was in Scottsdale. That's why I have a few questions about that 4,300 original miles because that's probably what it takes to drive it to fucking Arizona

and back to Chicago. Well, they hauled it. Yeah, who knows? Yeah. I don't want to ask a lot of questions. No, because it's so hard to set back a 75 odometer. It's already eaten an 8-track. We had to take the 8-tracks out because even today it's only 80 degrees,

but you get in that thing with all windows and it's hot as fuck. Yeah, it's a solar oven. Yeah. It ate an 8-track this morning when we took it out. But that's how 8-tracks were if you remember them. They'd fucking...

Yeah, they always got eaten. Yeah. Remember you had to roll them back up? Yeah. What? 8-track? Roll it back up? Yeah.

No, that's cassette tapes. No, you could roll them out tracks too i never i mean i had one and uh i just remember you always pushed it to and it would jump to another yeah chunk yeah it wasn't it wasn't a smooth transition but for those you don't remember eight tracks eight tracks was when they first came out with music you could port around in a box. they would actually, and this is a thing I just heard a thing on 8-Tracks. They were so unamused by music at this, they made them

because they were like, we can sell them. But they would cut a hit song off in the middle of an 8-Track and it would stop at a minute 12 and then flip and then play the rest of the hit song. And you and you go wait that's our hit and they go who cares what are they gonna leave it's an eight track it works at least but yeah there was no timing at all there was almost every song has lasted about five years yeah tops

they were fucking terrible and they still are we got seals and crofts that's it and and one of the albums seals and crofts is when i've never heard any of the songs i yeah uh summer breeze is on it okay get to that before bingo says can we put king of the road back i go yeah but we gotta remember to get these out of the fucking car we get back because they're gonna melt everything's gonna melt in there right i just ordered a car cover it this is gonna be like that fucking cadillac the convertible we got for bingo off of ebay where yeah it's funny for a couple of days no it is not it's gonna be a history of fucking problems or or that suit that you don't want to wear because you don't want to get stains on it then why do you fucking own it it's gonna

turn into that no it's gonna be really good you to love it. Once you get back from your next trip. I think out here, I mean, you had to park down here. It looked good in the yard. It's like a sculpture. Well, picture it as a pink pacer when he gets back from Canada. Oh! He'll have the pink pacer. Oh, I see what's going on here.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Try selling that, motherfucker. Chad, you might not know, but the pink camouflage house is no more. Oh, I did not know that. It is a green with black trim house. Black mocha. Black mocha. Sorry.

Sahara green and black mocha. When you first said the pink Pacer, I thought you meant because it's red and the sun is going to bleach it fucking pink within a week. Oh, no. Then I got it. You're going to look like a breast control drive.

The local window tint guy has no idea he just hit the jackpot. I told Bingo. Biggest job I've ever had. I told Bingo, yeah, I got to check my email to see if that painter called. And she said, what? I go, for the logo, for got to check my email to see if that painter called. And she said, what? I go, for the logo, for the car. She goes, what?

I go, yeah, we're painting it as an Arizona Cardinals helmet. Oh, my God. It would be perfect, too. No. Oh, that's hysterical. on the amc pacer wikipedia the body surface was 37 percent glass on the pacer which is 16 percent more than anything any other car before that ever made and the pacer was really uh revolutionary because it's the first time they started making compact cars like that and detroit was doing nothing but big boats and gas guzzlers and and station wagons. Yeah, those are the ones that I'd always look for on eBay. The Vega wagon. My mother used to have

a Vega wagon. Huge piece of shit, but it was orange. Yeah. It's memories. That's what you're paying for. When I saw your face when they delivered that thing, you were just giddy, and that's what life's about. You guys came to where the guy

was stopped because he couldn't get any closer because of the low bridges you guys got someone to i guess a backdoor mike drove you and you put on a suit and everything oh yeah we had to see you kidding it was an event he had to unload like two cars just to get to yours i'm like didn't anyone think about this yeah i know i mean. I mean, we're closer than California. Surely you looked at a map. God, they also had I don't have the name. It's the Online

Motorsports, I believe. They're out of Virginia? No, Plainfield, Illinois. I thought the receipts. Oh, no, it might be the shipper. I signed something with your name on it uh but i was looking at other cards they had a fucking uh 58 uh rambler wagon oh how much it's a wagon but it has fins on it too it's fucking crazy uh i forget how much i looked at a lot of things. I spent a lot of time boarding.

Itty, minnie, minnie, mo. You're pretty excited, though. I got back. Trace and I were in L.A. for a week. We came back, and Bingo's all, you know about the car? I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. I had to send a bunch of money. I'm like, this sounds like a scam.

Is it to Nigeria? Yeah. Hold on. Who's telling you to do this? Did he text you or did he talk to you about this? My friend, I am glad to have met you. Doug, bingo. Send money now.

Right now. Do you do it yet? Do it yet? Why does someone with an accent say say Doug's in jail in Australia? You need to send this money. But I knew it was a scam, so I didn't do it. I'm really in jail.

That's my lawyer. It's an Australian accent. All right. Yeah, so that was fun. You're back home. Yeah. So, yeah, that was fun. You're back home. Yeah. Welcome back. I got home Wednesday.

Now it's Saturday, and I'm almost feeling normal. Those fucking long flights like that just take longer and longer to recover. I had a question today at the farmer's market. When you were tweeting and you were talking about the flight when we got back, someone asked, is it really 26 hours to fly? Oh, Kanopka asked me. Is it really 26 hours to fly from? No, 26 hours of travel.

Okay. You get to the airport three hours early for international, and it's like 14 hours to LAX. Then it was a four and a half hour layover there then almost didn't get on the plane in lax yeah i had the flight from uh auckland to sydney which is uh three and a half hours then i had a layover there uh then that's then it's the 14-hour flight. So, yeah, that's where. So then Sydney is to L.A.? Yeah, it was Auckland to Sydney at 8 in the morning. So it's like a noontime, 1 o'clock in the afternoon flight coming here.

So you're awake more than you want to be. And, yeah, you take more Xanax and Benadryl to hopefully fall asleep and then that's kicking in around when you leave i mean when you land so yeah and then you get here and then to fucking drive home uh yeah it's fucking brutal and then of course i get here at 11 30 or noon so hey let's have cocktails yeah i've been waking up at 2 30 3 o'clock in the morning every day which is normal over there i'm sure over there it's tomorrow and it's a reasonable hour you crushed our over under when you finally fell down i figured you'd be down for at least five or six hours and within three hours you were like, hey, is there food around here?

Walking dead, we're like, Jesus, this isn't even close. No, he's all giddy because he's still waiting on his car. That was the worst. I told him, I said, anytime they tell you, it'll be there Wednesday. He goes, I was worried I was going to miss it when they got here. And it was like, always add a day and they'll come through in the end.

I was fine. It's just trying to get your fucking the end. I was fine. It's just trying to get your fucking head right. I didn't realize I have two weeks here before I have to go to Canada and then the UK. Canada starts two days in between those two. Aren't they the same?

No, I come home for two days. I thought they both have a queen, right? Okay. We're at Canada the May 14th through the 26th. You go to DougSandoff.com and check out the tour dates. Yeah, all the usual places. We'll have Chad do a read at the end. Including the London Music Hall again. Oh, you know what?

I was supposed to look at that one. London Music Hall, that's it. Yeah, we do Toronto, then London, and then back to Toronto. Back to Toronto. He booked that London gig because he thought we could only get one night in Toronto. And as soon as he booked London, they go, oh, hey, another night just opened up.

Well, London is just free. Hold on a second. That's not the way to say it. Are you going to open the bagpipes? We're doing Danforth. We're doing the Danforth I love. Yeah. We were talking about that on the drive from the airport.

Yeah, that was the place where I never even made it into the stage, into the showroom because we got there and the line was so long and they started opening that we started selling merch before. And I never – I just go, go. Just you go do that. I'll be here and then the guy the stage manager was really cool and I remember that

he said wow I don't think we've ever had a crowd drink this much alcohol since Jim Jeffries and I went how much did he sell he goes that was around i go no go to the office we're gonna check and i beat him well he's very important yeah but you beat

him by drinking your own he said jim jeffries definitely sold more but that was two shows and doug's like ah i got him yeah i did it one yeah that was we i had talked to the the bar manager i said he's gonna doug's gonna tell everyone in like 15 20 minutes in hey meet your Yeah, I did it in one. Yeah. That was – I had talked to the bar manager. I said, he's going to – Doug's going to tell everyone in like 15, 20 minutes in, hey, meet your neighbor and be polite and come up out into the main room and get a drink because that's what I'm thinking you guys all want to do. I get drinks brought to me. Go get your drinks. And all of a sudden –

It's a rush. That happened a few times in Australia too, like all at once. But I told him, I go, hey, it's a rush that happened a few times in australia too like all at once but i told him i go hey it's gonna happen so you if you have anyone to sell just like throw ice in a tub and sell the beer and that was the problem was they were just trying to get the beers cold enough from when that happened that yeah they'll be they'll be ready to go this time and we get a new place in uh vancouver uh. Rio Theater on May 26th. And as nice as those people were at that place we used to play, that was as fucking punk rock theater as you could get.

Who was that? It's in that heroin district. The rickshaw. And right across the street, just like a homeless camp. The entire sidewalk for blocks is just like it's it's like walking through a flea market like that thick with nothing for sale yeah but despair is for sale yeah and it's not just people sitting with the you know a fucking streetcar they had like their shit set up so you know fucking box houses and Nursing babies that aren't theirs.

It's a job for everyone. They're a little more liberal there. I remember we took the cab from the hotel. We were kind of a ways because we were near the airport. And when we get there, the guy pulls up to right in front of the theater. Great move. Like that's where we're going to load in.

And there's a line going around. 500 people standing up there on the other side. And he goes, this is the theater. The homed people are on one side in a line, and the homeless lined up on the other side. So we go to the end of the block, and we turn, and he goes, it's down there. And it's like, no, drive down.

He goes, I'm not driving down there. It was this dirty fucking... Fucking rat strewn. There were rats running past us in daylight. Did they have tickets? They weren't inside, sir. Okay. No, but the thing is, you picked a venue that's known for leaving. It's called the Rickshaw.

Any way you get out of here, do it. That was, I remember, bingo, we walked down to another bar, and it's a hardcore heroin district. And we went to some bar that you expect Harry Dean Stanton is going to be slumped over fucking drinking, just this old school, angry local drunks, you know, trees lounge kind of place. And then bingo is going gonna walk back to go to sell

merch or something by herself and i'm like you can't walk alone but you did i wouldn't walk alone down there i didn't want to walk from the cab to the back door it gets scarier the second time maybe it's just because we're getting older that's when they know usually you're more aware of what could have happened yeah no they ratted out some guy some guy came up to the merch booth and ratted out some guy that was recording the show like like 10 feet 15 feet from the stage yeah it was i love that when fans come up and go like hey there's a guy with a like a an apparatus yeah he's recording it's's got a parabolic microphone like NFL films. NFL films.

Yeah, that was a crazy one, that last one. But I mean, is the rickshaw mad at us? Or did you want to upgrade? No, no. From what I remember, it was all standing. The whole thing was standing. And it was hot as fuck

in that green room. Did the green room not have a pisser or something where you'd have to actually go through the crowd to take a piss? I think it might have been. No, no, there was a bathroom there.

All right. Yeah. But it was weird, yeah. My brother was there. The rats wouldn't even use it. But yeah, we got another place anyway yeah i'm looking forward to canada always am uh oh that's like the the flight back so i get back after the the long one from sydney to lax and then I have a layover at the Sky Club there, and I can smell myself.

Like, I'm fucking reeking of booze. And there was some small delay, and I went up to the counter where I'm about to fly LA to Tucson, and there's weird old ladies. I'm like, how long is this gonna be what i was having a hard time standing up i mean just from being fucking exhausted not but i'm i got that much alcohol pouring out of my fucking pores and breath and every part of me and i i'm trying to stand back because i'm kind of being cunty and I don't want her to

say you can't be on the flight but I'm still being a little cunty and then she says whatever and then I turn around and I hear Doug Stanhope and I turn around if you recall the Super Bowl a couple years ago

some fans that a guy flew a private plane down here to Bisbee. He was getting his pilot's license. So he'd get hours by flying from Tucson down to the Bisbee Airport. And then they came for the not Super Bowl. It was the taping of the special.

Yeah. And then we're having the after after party the next morning at 11. We're having morning cocktails and mimosas and everyone's still shit faced. And all of a sudden the guy flies his plane, buzzes the house several times, circles around the house. And he's got Stan Hope under the wings. Stan under one wing, Hope taped in big blue duct tape and buzz the house and it was very fucking cool that was my pilot

he got his he went pro and now he's flying for an airline that won't be mentioned so yeah I get a big hug from the pilot so I didn't no longer worry about the counter lady that's the best just the idea that counter lady's going I don't worry about the counter lady. That's the best

idea. The counter lady's going, I don't know who you think you are. Oh, he's hugging the pilot. God damn it. Son of a bitch. This usually works. Thank you, Alex. Last name redacted. Beep.

You should probably pull the first name. They probably know you Relics So what have you kids been up to Other than repainting your house We're painting the town We started with our house Yeah I really should be paying for that No you'll pay for it

Have you tried the ham yet? No, it was, like I said, it was good. The only thing that sucks is, and I told the lady that lives next door, she goes, oh, so you did decide to paint it. Remember that was the original story. She goes, so are you, did you get the joke? Are you going to paint it? I was like, you did you get the joke are you gonna paint it i was like

yeah we got the joke and we and then we're painting it so obviously we we got the joke we're painting it i said if anyone ever paints your house with any color of pink ever get a lawyer or a gun because when you do stucco with pink once once you put the green on it, which you're just doing a green, it looks nice. As soon as those little bubbles pop, you now have 17 feet in the air, pink spots all over your house. Who doesn't like pink spots? Apparently, Becky. But beautiful weather. I mean, this is heaven.

It's paint weather weather it's fucking miserable alaska is fucking i did a windstorm that was like a hurricane took people's roofs off dropped trees i'm down here going do i have sunblock i need to get some sunblock well i i apologize for putting you through that. No, it's all right. It was a funny joke. Yeah, like a pacer. It gets old quick.

Yeah. What else were they going to do for two whole weeks? No, I don't. Moving into a new town from Alaska. But they honestly did an amazing job painting that house. As you're doing it, as you're going over it, you're going, I don't know how they did it this well. You don't understand, Chad.

On the second floor, those little windows up above, they painted in every little crevice of everything. I don't know how he did it. He sprayed it. When Johnny gets back from China, I'm going to ask him. Conveniently away in China. Away in China. Hard to get at. He had to have sprayed it because he just got all the cells greg i'm gonna let you spray it there's no overspray the cable lines are painted on both sides they're white there i go how did you do this i don't know how

he did it i really don't he's uh he's good at what he does it's amazing oh fuck i don't. He's good at what he does. He's amazing. Oh, fuck. I haven't told this on the podcast because it happened after the last one. I did tweet about it and Yelp about it. Oh, I wrote notes. Is this the lady in the hotel? When I was talking about fucking stinking of booze on the plane, I go, I have another story like this. I thought of it, too. Let's take a break, get some drinks, and come right back and tell the story.

All right. Please hold. Blue Apron apron chaley just got back and it's chaley's one job to lift heavy boxes which to me i just emptied uh emptied uh i brought an empty tub out for ebay yard sale shit for Kelly from Vavum. And you go, this is a heavy, empty tub. Just a basic fucking dollar store tub. But it's big. You go, this is heavy. I should really exercise more.

So I get blue apron. It comes to my house, and it's getting to be summer here. Right now it's like 91 degrees. And you shouldn't let blue apron sit out in 91 degrees but then shaley wakes up later than i do so i let it sit there but it still holds up they still keep it cool enough what'd you make for becker since i wake up earlier than you to pick up the fucking boxes or not pick up the boxes, I'm also asleep by the time you start cooking. Blue Apron is delivered in a box with a sheet of ice down below

and then a sliver of careful cardboard above it. As a drinker, I just get it for the ice. But you don't know that. It can sit out there all day. It doesn't matter. Because when I finally go up there, by the way, he never calls me to say, hey, your fucking box is here. I text you. You don't get back to me.

Well, I blocked you. With your other job. So I come up and get it. And then I get the three meal plan. I separate the three meals into separate bags so everything's contained. And then when I get in the notion to make food, which sometimes I don't want to do it right away. And then some night, Tracy, Becker, and I are the last three left standing in the funhouse. Yeah. And we were going to watch something on TV.

And you said, I'm going to cook Blue Apron. And it was fucking, if you think about not just Bisbee, but anywhere in the world, where are we going to get kale polenta? He's sitting over there cooking it. You ever see him cook? He's got the little card on the wall. What happens is Chaley will bring up this gourmet cooked meal from Blue

Apron right after I've been drinking and just forced a half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich down my head so I can keep drinking more. Not to mention the Good & Plenty's. After Good & Plenty's, you can't eat Blue Apron. Good & Plenty, not a sponsor. It's not a dumbwaiter.

He brings it from his house. He cooks it right there and walks up to the door. Hey, Blue Apron delivers fresh pre-portioned ingredients. To Jaylee, who brings it from his house. He cooks it right there and walks up to the door. Hey, Blue Apron delivers fresh pre-portioned ingredients to anyone who orders with step-by-step recipes right to your door. They can be cooked

in 45 minutes or less. Sometimes it's like 30. They got 30-minute meals now. The menu changes every week based on what's in season and is designed by Blue Apronons in-house culinary team it's like culinary buy is the word that yeah well it's like three degrees of separation it's kevin bacon then it goes blue apron then it comes to your door then you take it to doug i studied culinary arts at job core also not a sponsor and i didn't stay long because

it was like prison for kids, voluntary. By the way, when we were out of town and Doug was on tour, I just went online to blueapron.com and put the meals on hold until we got back here. You sent a few to the Gumps, didn't you? No, I sent them to my brother's house up in Sammamish where we were at. The Gumps ate some Blue Apron. He spreads it around. He's a pretty good guy like that. I didn't do that.

He sent it to me before. He sent it't do that. He sent it to me before. He sent it to his brother. He sent it to, yeah. Hey, Blue Apron offers 12 new recipes each week, and customers can pick two, three, or four recipes based on what fits best. I'm trying to think. Do they have non-GMO ingredients?

Don't. Quit reading. Come on. What? Does this sound like I'm reading? Hey, Shaylee, do they have non-GMO ingredients? You have one? Why, of course they do.

Well, when you're trying to force feed me when I'm drunk and all my calories come from whiskey and Coke, I want to say, yes, but I only eat meat with added hormones. Blue Apron has no added hormones. I'm going through a sex change right now, and that's when I start crying into your fucking shoulder. I can't have hormones because I really want to be a woman. It's like Kentucky Fried Chicken without the titty twister. What does that even mean? Hormones grow breasts. Oh.

Hey, Blue Apron's mission is to make incredible home cooking accessible to everyone, which it does. You're forced to learn how to cook. At least they deliver it through a legitimate I don't know if it's UPS. UPS delivers to us here. You don't get it from a paper boy who hucks it through your front window. That's what I'm saying.

A turkey comes crashing through. Happy Thanksgiving. A rental van shows up, throws it out the window. A selling point they didn't put on their bullet list. Hey, Blue Blup. Blue Bl their bullet list. Hey, Blue... Blue up? Blue blah blah. Hey, Blue Apron offers three plans. The two-person meal plan, the family meal plan,

and the wine plan, which we've talked about in past episodes. Not the sad guy who can only eat a half of peanut butter and jelly sandwich to keep himself alive through a podcast plan, but they're working on it. I bet they're working on it. I bet they're working on it. A Stanhope plan?

Yes. So check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash Stanhope. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. All right. So the downside of Casper beds is if you leave your house, where I've been doing international touring, Asia, Australia, Canada, Europe, the places that are not in the country.

You know some hotel chains, you go,, you get a half-decent bed. Over, you're in fucking Vietnam. You think they have anything close to a Casper bed, and the only thing that you hope for is a decent night's sleep. And then, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, and you can hear some poor Asian whore whispering in your ear saying, ah, me love you long time.

I go, no, no, I want to sleep on you. I don't want to sleep with you. I want to sleep on you because you're softer than this fucking leaky springed mattress that I have underneath me. I just want to sleep on top of you. How much is it for eight hours? Eight hours. And don't wiggle. Hey, Doug, it's because the original Casper mattress combines multiple supportive memory foams for a quality sleep surface with the right

amounts of both sink and support. Yeah, unlike a Vietnamese whore. I thought he was going to say that it contained many Vietnamese whores is why it was so comfortable, but I'm so relieved that it is not. But honestly, as you get into your later years where sleep is very important, later years where sleep is very important i've said and as a an advocate of hallucinogens sleep and dreaming is such a better trip than any kind of ingested drug yeah i want to sleep and once you get used to Casper bed, if you're sleeping in it all the time, you're a lucky mother fucker. You know what it is? What?

I guarantee you. It's because the breathable design helps you sleep cool and regulates your body temperature throughout the night, Doug. As does not Southeast fucking Asia where, yeah, you're sweating through your clothes in a cold shower. I think I have to remind all of you and our listeners that Casper mattresses are all designed, developed, and assembled right here in the US. Don't go all Trump on this shit. I'm just saying. I'm telling truth.

I don't care. If they were developed in Vietnam, they should have fucking kept them. Don't export that shit. Leave it for the tourists. I long for home so badly just to sleep in my own bed. And that happens to be a Casper bed, which fucking works. Hey, you spend a third of your life sleeping. Sometimes more. If you're good at it.

So you should be comfortable, Doug. I am when I'm home here doing the podcast. If you hear me on the road doing one of those shitty two-mic podcasts, yeah, I didn't get a good night's sleep. Hey, Casper offers other mattresses. They've got the Casper, the most popular, the original one,

but they also offer the Wave and the Essential. The Essential has a streamlined design at a price that won't keep you up at night. The Wave? Don't tell me they have a fucking waterbed in the back of a fucking Chevy van. No, no. That's their higher end. I'm just making sure the Wave is not a waterbed. Gonna love you in my Chevy van

And that's alright with me As a little shout out to our older listeners Eight track player One hit wonders Need glasses? No, I'm wearing glasses More glasses Need more glasses

The other thing in front of me I couldn't see It's taking forever to read one sentence When I take my contacts out Then I forget wearing glasses. More glasses. You need more glasses? Yeah, the thing in front of me. I couldn't see. It's taking forever to read one sentence. When I take my contacts out, then I forget these aren't wearing glasses. You still have more nose. Do you need more glasses? You can be sure of your purchase with Casper's 100-night risk-free sleep on it trial. Get $50 towards select mattresses by visiting casper.com

slash stanhope and using promo code stanhope at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. And if you would like to hear Chad Shank read the terms and conditions you pay $100 he's going to do a voiceover

of the terms and conditions on high speed where it sounds like the end of a fucking bad car commercial. Participants must be 18 years old or some state supply. Not available in all states. Casper mattresses. I'm going to go fall into one right now because I am drunk.

Hey, we're back. Still got 40 minutes to fight time. Oh, really? I guess I got a clock right time. Oh, really? Yeah. I guess I got a clock right there. Frank Mir's fighting tonight. You'll know the outcome

by the time you hear this, but as soon as I can get on my online betting service, who I don't know if we have an online betting sponsor, so I'm not going to even mention the name of my online betting service, but as soon as I can fucking log on,

I will be putting money on Frank Mir. Minus 140. He's definitely got this fight. Put 140 down to win 100. What's his podcast? You guys joke right behind you. Phone booth fighting. Where is it behind me?

On the... Oh, shit. That postcard. phone booth fighting there's a behind me on the oh shit that postcard phone phone booth fighting yeah we're we're getting a we're gonna need more walls in here we're too many fucking signs and shit now all right so the story i can't fucking believe i forgot I forget is I wake up in Auckland. I fucked up and booked the day after I should have to leave Auckland. So I had an extra day to just sit around the airport hotel, which was fucking fantastic. The Auckland airport, you're as close as you are from here to the fun house to where they have 24 hour McDonald's 24 hour,

not a seven 11, but basically a convenience store. During the day, they have a fucking bar restaurant and another McDonald's. There's two McDonald's right there, a pita pit where I can finally eat something vaguely healthy. And I woke up, I think it was, I don't know, 5.30 in the morning. Because the buffet started at 5. So it was at 5 where I'd been waiting since 3.30 in the morning

to go down and eat at the buffet at the hotel. Was this one of your five-star hoity-toity hotels? No, that's Novotel. It's the airport hotel, but it's, I mean, right there, closer than even the Tucson airport. Oh, wow. They share a perimeter. Where long-term parking is at, or short-term parking is,

it's that fucking close. Across the street. Yeah. You didn't buy a car there, did you? It's taken a while. It'll get here. A gremlin here a gremlin so I get up in my fucking pajamas

and I go I walk out in the hallway and this Asian couple running past me like you know late for a flight kind of not sprinting not oh there's a fire but moving in a hurry and behind them is a

like night of the living dead old woman very elderly in a thin cotton almost hospital johnny but nighty kind of thing barefoot and it's just for the weather not with them and i said are you okay and the japanese couple turned around and he goes no she needs help she's obviously not with them. And I said, are you okay? And the Japanese couple turned around and he goes, no, she needs help. She's not okay. And then they press the elevator button to get the fuck out of there. So I'm talking to the woman, what room did you come from? And she didn't know. And she's, you know, dementia face.

And I had friends and I came here on a train and this just this rattly whisper of a voice and i just needed to use the restroom first of all i'm not bringing her in my room i'm in front of my room and i could have brought her into piss but that would have fucking terrified her even more so i bring her down to the lobby and I get her into the lobby public restroom, and immediately while she's in there, go to the front desk. This lady's just fucking wandering the hallway up on three, and she doesn't know. She doesn't have any idea where she is, where she came from.

And so they went and got her from the restroom when she came out and brought her to the front desk and what's your name Lorraine I won't put her last name out there but uh she won't remember it they they look up there's no one by that name registered and I were asking her who are you with and she mentioned her daughter and what's your daughter's name and she couldn't remember and i like i was like at that point trying not to cry because like she was you know like having to say i don't remember my daughter's name you know how much that's gonna fucking suck and uh and then they found i said she has to be on the third floor because the the cards are floor sensitive you can only get to the room that

the floor that your room is on you can't if you're on the third floor you can't get to the eighth and this woman was obviously not taking the stairs crawling through the vents like oceans 11 so. So she's definitely on three. And finally, they found someone with the same last name. I don't know why they didn't fucking look for that the first time. Pretty simple math, you know? Yeah. So we take her back up to three.

She's in the room right next to me. And the lady, she called the room first no answer and then because it's that early she just opened the door and yelled the daughter's name loudly why yeah your mother's out here she's lost

she went ah shit technically now she's found she was lost she was like ah shit and she comes to the door all fucking disheveled and, oh, come on in. And I put my jacket on when I first saw her because she's in this fucking

half a fucking piece of cloth. Oh, that was the other thing. When we're down there, she goes, yeah, can you get her a bath robe? Because she's in my filthy black leather jacket, my torn up fucking sun-worn filthy the one you wear outside to smoke cigarettes in a gentleman a gentleman here showing auckland new zealand how it's done and she's so i cover her up and so while they're

trying to figure out who she is she says the housekeeping lady, can you go get a robe for her? And she said, okay, but those are only on the 11th and 12th floor, whatever the top floors. Only the fucking cool people get the robes. I'd have given her a robe if I had one. And I said, you could probably get her a pair of slippers, too, because I'm sure the fucking elite fucks have slippers if they have robes up on the fucking 15th and 16th or whatever it was.

They came back with a towel. Like they couldn't find any robes or slippers. Just wrap this around your feet. She shuffles anyway. She's all right. It's cleaner than the jacket. We don't even have to sweep later if she walks out with towel wrapped around her feet. That's when you go, Toga, Toga, Toga.

So, you get her into the room, and the manager says, can this gentleman have his jacket back? And he hands me my jacket back, and they take her in and shut the door, and then I'm right at my room right there anyway, going in with my jacket back and they take her in and shut the door and then i'm right at my room right there anyway going in and with my jacket and i gave a look and she gave me a look in but she's the manager says she smelled strongly of alcohol and i go no she's got dementia i reek of alcohol

and she leaned in and went, oh my god, that is you. Your hero's a drunk. So then I went back down to have my overpriced breakfast buffet because I was too lazy to walk the fucking

30 feet to McDonald's. And I thought, you know, sir, what's your room number? And they go, oh, I should just say I'm fucking under her last name with that room number. Because she's not going to remember what she charged to her room. She bought everyone breakfast. Actually, she would like some courtesy robes and slippers, too, if you don't mind. Is that bar open at this hour?

Yeah, that stink that you had, that was from the night before, right? Well, because we had that extra day off. Alex, our tour guy, and his girlfriend Mimi stayed the extra day with me. Hennigan bailed immediately, as anyone would. By the time I realized I fucked up my flight to change it, it was going to be like $2,300. So I'm like, no, I'll stay another night in Auckland. So me and Alex and Mimi spent our extra day there

just finishing off all of our stores of alcohol. On your night off. That's great. Yeah. So I had that kind of booze stink. Like, we're not leaving this behind. Well, come on. Let's be honest.

That wasn't one night's booze stink. You earned that booze stink. That was hobo stink from, like, an entire tour. Yeah, my fucking clothes were rancid at that point but yeah we were we were making a point like we have this we have half a bottle of whiskey and almost a full

bottle of vodka between the three of us we can do this yeah so do you think if you tour again that area that there might be a chance an old lady will find you taking the front desk I found him wandering around on room three pay it forward There might be a chance an old lady will find you taking the front desk. Say, I found you wandering around on room three. Shoeless.

Pay it forward. I know I came here with people. I don't remember their names. Henning something. Yeah, that wouldn't work. They'd check Stanhope on all the registers. My wife, Yahtzee? I read about your good deed and the first thing I pictured was

this poor woman is being held against her will forever for her fucking pension. She finally managed to escape so that she could walk into traffic and Stano turns her around and puts her right back in the room. Just like the cops with the Jeffrey Dahmer kid. Yeah, I remember.

You find him with a hole drilled in his skull where he's trying to make him into a sex zombie. It's a lover's spat. Put her back in the room. Fuck your good deed. You fucked somebody over. What's your travel story my travel story seems uh so wait you went somewhere i had to go to uh phoenix for uh take care of a thing with jenny and uh so we ended up just staying at an airbnb for one night oh rather than try to turn around and come back in the same day.

But I had to sleep on the fucking hide-a-bed in the living room. And if you... Fucking large people should not sleep on hide-a-beds for any reason whatsoever. Small people should leave, but you. But I realized halfway through the night that I should have just fucking left the couch as a couch

and just fucking slept on the couch. That would have made a lot more sense than trying to sleep on this stupid fucking hide-a-bed. Fucking iron bar in your back. Right in my lower back. Stoned as fuck because I smoked a huge joint so I could sleep on this hide-a-bed.

And I get the bright idea. I'll just lay down sideways like as if I were laying on this height of bed and I get the bright idea, I'll just lay down sideways as if I were laying on the sofa because there's no bar right there. Yeah, like the bar would be the barrier between you and your wife. 90 degrees. Well, I was all by myself on the height of bed.

Yeah, but I'm saying it would act... Go ahead. Well, apparently I fucking have not watched enough cartoons to realize that if you're my size and you lay down on the sofa on a hide-a-bed it will fucking lift in the air and dump your fat ass into

the little fucking space under the fucking sofa like a cartoon a kid just died like that. It's one of the most horrible fucking stories. Like smothered? Yeah.

He went to play tennis with his friends in a fucking minivan, and he crawled over the third row of seats to get his shit, and it unlatched, so his head went down into the trunk with the backseat. Clamshelled him. He made two 911 calls and they didn't fucking find his ass. Because they were driving? Was this during... He was in a high school

parking lot somewhere. My phone went flying. I couldn't have made a 911 call. Nobody came to check on my ass in the fucking bottom of the sofa. Chad all vulnerable. Were you tapping out on the... ass in the fucking bottom of the sofa. Chad all vulnerable. Help us. Were you tapping out on the

frame? I woke up and laughed my ass off because I just kept picturing what that must have looked like. And that fucking tumbled me into the fucking beneath the sofa. A Chad mattress burrito. So yeah, that was the only thing that happened to me. Just a little joint laying on the floor.

Where'd he go? There's no way he'd leave it. Hold on, this is a clue. This is a clue. He's got to be around here somewhere. Look for a lighter. Just hold your hand out from the joint. There's got to be a lighter within arm's length.

Light that up. He'll come running. Light that up. If he's here, he'll make noise or something. Bait the trap. Worst transformer ever. Hold on a second. How did you get an Airbnb that had a twin bed for Jenny and then a sofa for you?

No, we had grandkids with us. Okay. So much like I am at my own house, i was relegated to a pull-out sofa dog bed you don't have enough air miles to get the regular bed well it was it was since jenny is a foreigner we have to go to phoenix sometimes to you can't renew her nursing certificate online they have to i have to go and show them her uh naturalization i don't have to but i yeah we have to go and show them her naturalization paperwork so we got to go over there and it was an expensive motel area and uh they had an airbnb for in an apartment complex

it was just it was like a motel room but it was fucking the same price but it was a lot a lot better than skating a fucking shitty shitty Super 8 for the same price. People making meth all night. Yeah. That's how I ended up on the fucking sofa bed. I can't believe the people below us didn't call the cops because whenever I

reverse rolled it to try to get out of there, the sofa bed was touching the ceiling almost. Whenever I reverse rolled it, it came slamming down to the ground like I'm surprised it didn't go through the floor yeah you were like in survival mode right

I was asleep I didn't fucking know what the fuck was going on well I'm glad you made it out don't turn sideways on a sofa bed. All right, before we get to thank yous, Chad Shank, you've got your recording, what do you call it? My recording space is all set up. I'm going to be ready to start putting out some stuff.

I've got to do some technical stuff with because it's a new space so i have to adjust my settings in my uh my uh daw i don't know fuck start using weird fucking language but uh you're recording software yeah uh shaley's second language i'm just trying to i'm looking at shaley right because i know because because doug glosses over the minute i start using a lot of syllables in anything technical. We just did it with the guy that was here for the house. We were going to do some renovations around the house, and they're sitting there showing me blueprint shit. Chaley just came in and took over.

I know what you're talking about. Bingo, and I slowly walked backwards. I think I left the hose on. Well, like walking away from a dangerous animal. It just moves slow. No sudden moves. No sudden moves. Don't agree to anything.

Just backtrack back to our drinks. We left drinks. So do you like the fountain? When do we say fountain? Yeah, well, that's what Bingo's going to do. Because all that construction is going to go like when the 850-pound fucking anchor gets brought in. I'll be conveniently on the road. So during this construction, I'll be conveniently on the road.

But Bingo will be in their ear going, yeah. No, it should rain chocolate fudge the whole time. So when I pull it, it turns to vanilla fudge. So where's the trap door? Where do we put the trap door? What? Can't we put the sauna on top of the jacuzzi? What?

That's going to be a lot more. That doesn't matter. Doug's paying for it. Just do it. I want real bear claws on that tub. These don't feel like real bear claws. Oh, no. I mean like the ones you get at the pastry shop.

Sometimes I slip on the shower floor when I have a seizure and I get snacky. So let me get this straight. You want a fountain that spits out bear claws? Yes! All right. We can do it. bear claws yes all right we can do it chad what's the website that they can get in touch with you uh audioshank.com i think that's it yeah you think uh well because i'm i haven't been ready to do it so i'm trying i've got people that i haven't even responded to that want me to do stuff that I haven't been able to

but trust me I had to go into some considerable debt to fucking set this recording space up so once I'm able to do it I will be pimping shit out Chad is in business and remember Chad will do a problem with your neighbor he'll record a call

so you can yell at your neighbor and not in your voice we still have to do that do the personalized videos for people the way bird cloud does remember that lady from that business says hey you do a

personalized recordings for people and we give you a percentage of the fucking thing I have a camera? Yeah, we can just do that ourselves. That was a while ago you talked about that. Yeah, I don't want to do it on a regular basis, but I still want to do it just a quick

run of them just to show that we don't need you. We get enough offers. That was Joby. Joby, we're just finishing up. Anything you need to add it was a fucking it was a strong death pool

run while i was away there was fucking uh barbara arlie ermie yeah barbara bush mitzi shore uh fucking that i don't know how those people had that 28 year old fucking dj guy oh uh avicii avicii yeah

suicide suicide which is that that came out like a day after when you because i when i found out about it i heard his music i would have done it he had a lot of health problems and so i'm like well maybe it just caught up to him and then i i got i got the death pool update i get the email updates and it's like oh it's suicide everyone and it changed it changed some scores but i don't yeah from what i thought i read it wasn't health the health problems were due to that like pancreatitis and all yeah yeah yeah from fucking drinking himself yeah the other one was uh verne troyer yeah verne troyer i used to have i had him for a couple years when we first started when he was on that surreal life felt like a dumbass for

missing that yeah and i well when i first started i didn't know that many people so it was celebrity rehab and surreal life and there was that famous one where he was like naked shit-faced walking around the kitchen yeah and that one might come out as either an OD or a suicide too because no one there well they reference suicide in the post yeah and he said he suffered from depression

so we'll see hung himself from a doorknob not in the Carradine way it's really surprising these people, if they're considering suicide as celebrity, they wouldn't go on and at least get some points from it. Yeah.

What about your fans? Come on. Oh, that's it for me. Yeah, I got to thank...ally sent a bingo, a remote-controlled, battery-operated, large rat, which has been fantastic to torture the pets with. And the neighbors. And Squeaky Tiki sent us four, I don't know if you noticed those, Chad, four actual Shriner Fezzes. I was hoping for an explanation of what they were. I don't know what that is.

Yeah, unfortunately, none of them are big enough for my giant fucking alien head. We were hoping for a larger size. Yeah, but they're perfect to ride around in the Pacer, aren't they? Left turn, right turn. Four people in those Fezzes and a red Pacer. Left turn, right turn. Four people in those Fezzes and a red pacer. Bingo gets this great set of letters.

Some Irish writers club. Is it the multicolored letters? Yeah, there's a bunch of them. And they get together every week at some pub and they write stuff spontaneously. And this was, okay, this week we're pub and they write stuff and like spontaneously and this was okay this week we're all gonna write to bingo and so they all sent their letters and she's very she said she's she's touched by it she said i don't know what to do they didn't give me any way to get a hold of them i go well that's why we have a podcast thank you irish writers i'll be in dublin don't worry it's coming up if it's not listed

hennigan hasn't listed a lot of shit no well i i gotta make sure that i've got everything i'm sure we're playing bath uh i'm oh you know what there is there is a navy sorry not yet anyway there is an ireland date that i gotta add because i have to i have to break it out from the uk dates to put ireland because I can't put it under. Oh, yeah. They'll go fucking crazy, which doesn't hurt me. I mean, you can deal with it. No, you just put UK and Ireland and then put them in order.

Oh, okay. See, that makes sense. I'm a fucking problem solver. How come you're the one come up with the answers? Someone said bingo something named Pee Wee Herman. I don't know. Was it stickers or something? I don't know. It was stickers or something? I don't know.

A whole stack of stickers. I don't know if that's the same guy that sent it, but someone... It was with the rat. Oh, it was with the rat? Yeah. The fake rat, everyone. Let's be clear here. We don't want you to send rats

to the fun house. Who sent the clown? She had to ask, do you think this is the real Pee Wee Herman? I go, no, probably not. Who sent the craft clown head? That huge. That was amazing. Oh, I bought that on eBay.

Okay. Good job. Yes. Thanks, Doug. I love it. And I guess that's the tour dates. Rattle them off May 14th Montreal

May 15th Ottawa May 16th Toronto May 17th London May 18th Toronto again May 20th Winnipeg May 21st Edmonton May 22nd Calgary May 23rd Calgary again

May 26th, Vancouver. And that will be Doug Stanhope in Canada. Yay! I'm looking forward to Canada. We have fun in Canada. I was thinking about doing it sober and calling it a tour to remember. But that's not going to happen in Canada. I'll bring my book.

We'll remember later. When it's too late. Our lawyers will remember. We'll remember later. When it's too late, our lawyers will remember. Also, UK dates, just go to DougStanhope.com slash tour dates. New website. We've actually been working on the new store part. That's what's holding us up. It'll be up soon.

I've already made my apologies online for taking too long. It doesn't matter. It's amazing. And Chaley might have been drunk, but he promised we're going to do a small run of disease t-shirts. Listen, I wasn't drunk. I don't know. I was drunk. You were drunk and said,

how come we don't do this? I go, because I don't just do things because you say do them once when you're drunk. You came home and said, we have to do these. I'm like, that's what you've been thinking about for 26 hours flying back I remember Alex doing a few things on the Australian tour where he goes I did that thing

and I go without checking with me in the morning oh I love Alex even more Alex you're right then he took Alex to the front desk and said he's lost alright let's close out on King of the Road AMC Pacer style Then he took Alex to the front desk and said he's lost. All right.

Fuck it. Let's close out on King of the Road. Oh, great. AMC Pacer style. © BF-WATCH TV 2021 A better way to cook. We couldn't print it if it wasn't true. Do a lead-in to what he just read. The first part. Oh, okay. Like, hey.

Yeah, all right. Hey. Chad, hit the bullet points with your golden throat. Chad hit the bullet points with your golden throat I want to say the other one that Shaley told me to say what not to say no no I did not

I did not say that I don't want to put that in anyone's fucking head I did not the minute I say what not to say then he starts saying what not to say because he has to say what you can't say. You said this one and this one. No, but there's two.

There's this one and that. No. Why can't we say that? You cook a girl a nice meal, you're going to. Can we not say that? That doesn't mean you didn't have great. I'm tired of sponsors with all these rules. Why is this food so cheap?

That's the longest bleep in the history of the Duck Stand Up podcast. I bleeped it all. I can't believe Chad read a book. I had to cut you off before you said, fuck you, i read a book