The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #259: Doug and Becker Digging Up Bones

Episode Date: May 16, 2018

A trip down memory lane with Doug and Becker and it's all gonna be up for auction. The boys relive details around some of the items Doug is selling at this year's eBay Yard Sale. Get on the Mailing List to receive advance notice and first crack at these treasures.Recorded May 08th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Mat Becker (@houdini357), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by Dollar Shave Club - For just five bucks, you can get their Daily Essentials Starter Set. It comes with Body Cleanser, One Wipe Charlies, their amazing butt wipes, their world famous Shave Butter, and their best razor: the six-blade Executive. Keep the blades coming for a few more bucks a month, and add in shampoo, toothpaste, or anything else you need. Check it all out at [www.DollarShaveClub.com/STANHOPE](www.DollarShaveClub.com/STANHOPE).Go to [http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/) for tickets to all upcoming 2018 shows in Canada and the UK / Ireland / Netherlands and North America. LINKS:Dollar Shave Club – [www.dollarshaveclub.com/STANHOPE](www.dollarshaveclub.com/STANHOPE)Chad Shank Voice Over info at [www.AudioShank.com](www.AudioShank.com)Support the Innocence Project - [www.innocenceproject.org](www.innocenceproject.org)Closing song “The Way We Were" written by Alan Bergman, Marilyn Bergman, and Marvin Hamlischand, performed by Barbara Streisand.Audio clip from "The 9th Configuration - Teaching Molecules A Lesson” Clip, available on YouTube - [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xX8xToy8NE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xX8xToy8NE)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. the door is a really good glass. Boop. Good. Go. So, Chad, they tell me you had to build a temporary chicken coop. We'll do it all fucking late night talk show style. Well, Doug, you're right. I did have to build a

temporary chicken coop. Cue loud applause and unnecessary laughter, inappropriate laughter. My son's cute. Cue of loud applause and unnecessary laughter, inappropriate laughter. My son and his girlfriend rescued this giant fucking rooster. It's bigger than any rooster I've ever seen

in my life. It's a beautiful rooster, but I don't know what the circumstances were. She loves animals and made a rescue. But they live in town. So they had it in a dog crate trying to keep it in town and it started crowing at all hours of the morning and they weren't about getting kicked town, so they had it in a dog crate trying to keep it in town, and it started crowing at all hours of the morning, and they weren't about getting kicked out. So, of course, then it became my problem.

So they brought it over with us. So the coop is basically like a chastity belt? Well, I have a— Are you afraid he's going to fuck your chickens? I already have a rooster in in my little chicken pen he's like a bantam rooster you remember on foghorn leghorn oh yeah i'm a chicken hawk so yeah this thing would demolish my chickens yes he i don't even know if he'd fit in this so they don't have a grill i guess there's a long-term plan for it.

It has a home, but they're building a home for it. On acid. In the meantime, they didn't bring me any acid or anything, so I was just sober. Luckily, I was manic. Isn't that what you were trying to build a while ago on acid? Was it chicken coop? Yeah, on various drugs, I built a chicken coop.

A while ago on acid was a chicken coop? Yeah, yeah, on various drugs I built a chicken coop. This I just built a temporary thing, but I took hurricane fence and wove rope through it and zipped ties. It was a – I got a picture of it. So is that the – Got a call from Trump. Hey, can you do this over at the border? Could you build a wall like this?

No. No, is this the family plan though? Do they plan on breeding it? Because I know your family does do that. They – They usually do it with each other. Yeah, with each other, but now they want to branch out to chickens. I don't know what the plan for it is. I don't care.

It became my problem. It came in my yard, and it was in a dog cage, and I didn't want it to stay in a dog cage because it's half the size of a dog cage, so I built it up. There's plenty of those places. An annex onto my chicken coop so that he's adjacent to friends and stuff that they can't find. You sure it's not a homeless guy dressed as a chicken?

Because I've heard about this. We just had Kenny dressed as a cactus. We've been prepping all day for the eBay yard sale and modeling my suits. I got the suit I wore on the cover of No Place Like Home coming up for sale. This is going to take a while to prep, so it'll probably be a month or two before this starts. But in the meantime, pictures of everything. I got the suit from the cover of High Times.

I held back the tie. No fucking way. It's my favorite tie. But the cover of High Times. Held back the tie. No fucking way. It's my favorite tie. But the rest of it. But Kenny, the cactus suit, we made him wear as the mascot of the last version of the Bisbee killer termites. We call him that anyway. You have your own name. We have a name for you.

We win. There's more of us than there are you. Play ball. Why didn't you bring your tie to Asia? They could have made, like We have a name for you. We win. There's more of us than there are you. Play ball. Why didn't you bring your tie to Asia? They could have made like dozens of them for you. Exactly the same. Exactly the same. Probably.

Yeah, this is a hand fucking made, hand painted. It's gorgeous. Sorry. But it's hand painted. If you buy the suit, then you learn to paint. Paint the fuck you're tan. So, yeah, that's what we're doing. I'll go through shit later on.

But, man, do we have some stuff. Kelly, when you get to that Rodney Dangerfield, see if, like, I can't even find it on eBay. There's this Rodney Dangerfield doll in that box. And it's one of those, press the button through the box, and it'll tell you Rodney Dangerfield jokes, but the button has fallen out. I don't know if it works, and the head is turned sideways

through the cellophane, but I don't want to open it to try to fix it and fuck it up. Like, I'm scared of it, because that thing... I found some shit. I've been doing some time in the crawl space, which is always anxiety-fueled. I got scared of it because that thing. I found some shit. I've been doing some time in the crawl space, which is always anxiety-fueled. I had to take a Xanax just to do this podcast

to come out of this. Well, we got rid of a lot of vodka, so there's actually a lot of room down there. There is. I just got rid of some empty tubs that were under old vintage TVs. Just trying to find tubs so Kelly can get this shit out of here. Becker, I have a whole list of stuff, but I did a couple of evergreen podcasts when

I was hammered, and I don't know what I covered, but we haven't been over... We went to Margo's for Kentucky Derby. Yeah, that was great. Margo. Margo's for Kentucky Derby. Yeah, that was great. Margo. Margo. I really was planning on getting her on the podcast this week, but I've been in a state of disrepair. But Margo has a, if you don't remember Margo,

just imagine a woman that's six foot one or higher, that's almost 80 years old, that talks like Chad Shank. She does a Kentucky Derby party the same way we did Super Bowl parties. It's legendary. She's been doing it for 20, 30 years. So we went to that for the Derby. Had mint juleps? Mm-hmm.

Never had one before. No, everybody there is wonderfully nice. They're like, oh, hey. And then they start talking about stuff. And then rentals, they screwed them over on them. I'm like, I don't know you, but this is fun. She's the lady that sold me this place. She's a real estate lady.

And people would call up the bank and stuff when I was trying to finance. Yes, sir, I was calling. Oh, no, I'm a man, buddy. Don't worry. People get it wrong all the time. Idiots. I noticed they were talking a lot about operations and pills.

And dead friends. Dead friends, yeah. And horses, too. It was informational. Don't get me wrong. You come to my Super Bowl party, I don't know shit about football. They're all into horses.

And I, well, because this jockey I know, you actually know about horses? I thought this was an event to wear a weird hat and get drunk at 3.30 in the afternoon. Which I handled. But are you trying to say that a small group of people go to an event like this and don't know about horses couldn't win?

That was the thing. We wiped out their raffle. Yeah, remember? I won. I won for Audible. Oh, that's right. Okay. And Bingo won,

but Bingo decided she had to take a shit. Margo lives all the way at the top of Tombstone Canyon where it reconnects to 80. Bingo walked all the way down the hill drunk in cowboy boots because she didn't want to take a shit at the house. And where they're handing out the raffle tickets, you draw a blind draw like we do at football for the horse. And she had the winning horse.

And the guy had said, must be present to win, jokingly. But a gambling rule is a gambling rule. And she left and fucking won. Exact words. Didn't you give up the ticket? Like she specifically wanted that one, and you let her pick? I was trying to trade out for my horse, Audible. Yeah.

But then there was a no trade rule. But anyway, Margo called. I guess you guys left early because I still have your money here. I gave it back to her guy. I go, no, you said we don't take. That's jinxed money now. Never take jinxed money. Ever.

It's like if I bet you want to fight or a basketball game while we're all betting here, and I go to pay you, and you say, no, because I still owe you for that thing. No. You don't. You give me the money. I'll give you the money, and you can give it right back. Or you don't just make it a wash. Anyway.

Yeah. It was a fucking great time. It was a wonderful time. And then we came back here and got hammered. And then played poker. And then got hammered. And then I kept playing poker. And then got hammered. And then I took a Xanax. And then got hammered. And then I kept playing poker. And then got hammered.

And then I took a Xanax. And then got hammered. And then I don't remember five hours, but five hours later. You stayed up through the Xanax. Everyone kept going, didn't you take a Xanax? I go, yeah, I know. Raise. I played through.

Evidently, some neighbors showed up that I have no memory of. They just moved here. Was it birthday? You ate cake with them? I just came out and said, whose plate is this? Wait, there's cake? To Gump. Mrs. Gump.

I said, whose plate? She goes, those neighbors that came over during poker. And then a thousand people have tried to stoke my memory of that. Nothing. There's a period of a few hours. You can't even remember which street they were a neighbor. No. Hazard.

Was it Hazard? Yeah, that was the thing. It like no i think they they moved they complained about the dogs barking while the dogs were here barking he goes these dogs on hazard they bark a lot your dogs start barking no and he goes not yours but i do remember later in the night i guess the xanax wore off and i just just like i was a fucking atm at that point i'm just pulling out a 20 losing it in the hand pulling out a 20 we yeah we were you were playing good but you really were taking some bad beats but the thing is tracy and i traditionally will go the longest distance and shawnee and you and tracy and i were the last ones and we were both just falling asleep in our chair and we finally went I can't take any more money from Doug.

Mrs. Gump was dealing. Yeah. She said, I can't stay awake. She hit her wall. Yeah. Because it's different even when you're not playing, because you're waiting while a drunk person goes, hang on, I'm going to get a drink.

And you're like, play. Your pockets were literally so full you couldn't stuff any more money in them? No. I got to the point where I went, I'm just going to drop it on the way home anyway. So I'll just go. I could get it back. I could just go bet more with Stan, hope if I lose it. Yeah.

Because I was up until 9 in the morning. Oh, see, you did good. I get in one of those moods where everything sucks in life and I don't care and I'm going to quit comedy and I'm just fucking babbling at Shawnee. Shawnee takes that well.

He's amazing. He's like a life coach. When you don't want to be talking about this stuff, he makes you say more. He's like a Howard Stern of the porch. I shouldn't have said porch. No. Sorry. You shouldn't have said porch. No. Sorry.

They don't know. You shouldn't have brought it up. That's wrong. That's where we sat out until... He's the Baba Boo of the porch. I remember thinking I should put on sunblock. That's how late in the day it was. And I had to spend 24 hours in bed to recover from that.

See, which is odd because you don't account for the fact that I did take you to Safeway and you went shopping in that 24 hours. 20 hours in bed. I woke up at one point because I had to piss. And then I wanted broccoli. But it was

lunch time. You must have been down for a couple hours at the most. He says nine. I was guessing eight in the morning. So I slept till noon, woke up hungry. I wanted something. You took me there. And then I only remembered that the next day when I saw broccoli.

And I went, oh, yeah. I still haven't eaten. You guys are hungry. There's broccoli. Anybody like broccoli? I love that no matter how drunk, hungover, and tired you are, you still filled all the news racks with the Arizona Magazine covering the star and inquirer. Yeah, we still do.

That's still in play, you guys, sitting around bored. I bring that up because no matter – you were using the racks to steady yourself, but you were putting – you went steady yourself, but you were putting, you went not even the aisle we were in. I did all six. Yeah. I think that might have been the first time I did all six. Just the top rows that are at eye level. You were like Charlie Chaplin in Modern Problem.

Remember, he's working in the factory. Yeah, you just. Charlie Chaplin? Yeah, you've never seen Modern Problems? Modern Problems with Chevy Chase? No, Modern Family? No. Charlie Chaplin, the classic one where they industrialized

the nation and he does a silent film about how it's changing it and everyone works on the line because now they just stare and do one job over and over. I know, it's part of socialism. But I'm sure Chevy Chase did it. He would have been funnier. That's what I did.

That was two mornings where I... That was the first morning two fans showed up. What was that? Was that the... I believe that was Saturday. I think that's what kicked it off. Two fans showed up. Bingo and I, we took the pacer out.

It was Saturday. We're coming back from Safeway with our shit. And then there's two young guys hanging in front of the house awkwardly and we can see him we came up from two blocks away and i could see uh that's fans bingo what do you want to do should we just keep driving because she depending on her mood she from... Let's drive past them and pretend they can't see us through these 17 windows. Well, I think she goes, no, go ahead, just stop. And I'm sure it was for the same reason I wanted to stop, because I get the fucking pacer, man.

That's exactly right. So as they're awkwardly standing in the street, looking at the house, wondering what to do, I just pull up in front of them and go, hello. And then I parked the car and didn't say another word, and I just started unloading groceries to them. Here, you take this. Grab this. Grab this.

Bags of broccoli. Support the bottom on that one. It's all broccoli. I just brought them in. Didn't say anything else. And then brought them in here, and it was like 11 in the morning or something

mimosas, mimosas, didn't ask who they were where they're from, till later but then I start drinking mimosas they were very polite got some pictures had a mimosa left, we don't want to take up your time. Great, I didn't want you to.

I got shit to do today that I can't be drunk for, like the fucking Kentucky Derby, and then all night through the night losing all of my ass in poker, and then telling all of my problems to Shawnee until I got sunburned and went to bed. I got sunburned and went to bed. And then this morning, I gave you, what were we doing yesterday? We're doing something. EBR too?

No, no, that was today. So yesterday, I don't know, we're fucking cleaning up or some shit. Anyway, I felt busy in my head. Oh, yeah. After that 24 hours In bed or at Safeway With broccoli Then the next day I made it to like 36 hours

Without drinking or smoking Oh, that's right, your first rehab trip Like, I could get a week Before we go to Canada And feel strong And fucking yesterday there were 15 people in this house.

Like the day that I go, I'm gonna work, I'm putting some eBay yard sale shit together, I'm getting other stuff on my list done because I only have a short window at home. And then Joby and Jonathan show up. I'm in the bedroom packing my bag for canada we get

a security camera screen like a paranoid scar face in there so i'm like who's in the fucking well obviously it's jobey with the giant hat and there's jonathan there's the gumps and then bingo do you mind mind if I bring Pat Gant's new girlfriend over to meet? And then the brother from the po-boy shop, he's bringing po-boys. Do you guys want po-boys? I go, no, I'm still trying to get rid of food I've already cooked. Okay, she shows up, and I don't want to meet anyone. And she gets here, you've got to meet the new girlfriend.

And we brought po-boys. I told you I didn't want to do any of these things. Like, that's the only thing. Last time when I did the 12 days or two weeks of not drinking and smoking, it was because I didn't talk to people. But just this one. It's always just someone and then you're people. But just this one. It's always just someone and then you're fucked.

It's always one. I know, I know. Starting after this one. And then Tonka Napka. And then Andrew. And then it was just like, are you guys fucking with me? You know who didn't come over?

Me. I avoided you like the plague. You were still fucking busy spending all my money from poker. I couldn't spend it that fast. I never come over. I don't come over because I assume that's what it's like, and I assume that he's miserable because of it.

I put myself in his place, and I go, God, I would fucking hate that. No, I mean, none of these people are a problem by any means. It's just where your head means. It's just all at once. Where your head is, it's your head. And at the same time, some fan emailed me. They're comics passing through. Evan Johnson, I'll give you a shout out for not showing up. Hey, we're driving through Arizona.

We got an Airbnb in Bisbee. We'll probably just show up anyway and so I had everyone on fan watch like but at the end I probably would have just said fuck it everyone else is here I'm already smoking and drinking uh and this morning I have uh UK interviews scheduled right and then one with Gino Bisconti via Skype which would have been fun if we had our shit set up but if we do Skype interviews it sounds like that

echoey hallway shit Skype because we don't have that worked out yet because I don't like doing those so I had like an hour and a half of interviews. And I get out here to the Funhouse 15 minutes before and I'm going through shit and a mail lady beeps the horn, which she does when they leave a package.

So I walk out to get the package 15 minutes before my interviews start with the UK. And there's this kid standing outside in the street again, twitching like a lizard. I don't know what to do. And I go, oh, I thought it was the guy,

the Evan Johnson guy that had emailed me. Is it bingo? I was going to set odds. I said, don't call during this time, which I did this morning for my UK interviews. No, I'm not taking it. I'll get off track. And I thought it was that guy. I said, oh, so you timed it with the mailman so you could catch me?

That's actually brilliant. I would follow your mailman. He's like, no, no. Like, hey, you going to stand up anytime soon? I'll just be back here eating morning's cafe eggs to go. I wonder why did she honk? Because she comes in. No, she always does that at ours, too.

She honks. No, she'll put the package in and then honk. Oh, okay. So you know there's one there. Like, UPS does that, too. Just to let, if you are here, let you know, hey, I left the package. And I said, what, you timed it with the mailman? I was like, you're paparazzi fucking waiting for my weak moment where I have to grab a fucking box.

You don't have people to get your mail? Speaking of Gump, there's a big prime pantry box right out front that I don't want to lift. Thanks, Gump. He's like, I didn't know. And he's nervous as shit. But, you know, I get shit to do. I have 15 minutes and then I have to do this string of interviews and then I get shit to do.

I have 15 minutes, and then I have to do this string of interviews, and then I get other shit afterwards. Get in here. I don't want to be weird, but I'm not one of your crazy fans. This is like every stripper. I don't want to be weird, but I can't pay my rent this month, and my boyfriend plays in a band, and he dumped me. I'm really horny.

Can you loan me some? Yeah. I'm a nympho, but I'm getting treatment unless I miss this next payment. I don't know what to do. Don't give her the money. Give her the money. So I said, come in. Yeah, I know.

He's mumbling towards, can I at least get a picture? And I go, yeah, you want a picture? Come on in. Grab these packages. You ever drive a Pacer, kid? And he came in and he's like fumbling with his bag. He doesn't know what to do. I'm just relaxed and just follow me.

We'll take it in the fun house. We get in here. Like, I don't have it. He goes, my good camera's in the car i'm like just go get it i'm still like he didn't bring his good camera he didn't think he brought a camera well yeah he brought it he brought a fucking one of these brian hennigan oh with the lens through your fucking window paparazzi cameras and i well there's no one here to take it for you do you have a self timer on that

fucking thing yeah i'm being it's like shooting yourself with a shotgun you got to use your toe people use your toe i understand exactly his nerves and i'm trying to be nice and he's like thank you for being so cool because i don't know how to yeah i know but let's just get this picture done. Chaley comes in on the fuck. That thing is so cool. That's the second time that's worked out. Oh, with the two guys from Saturday, too.

When I'm talking to them and Chaley just, there's a voice out of the wall from his house. Hey, Doug, you need anything from Safeway? And I'm like, yeah, probably more orange juice from mimosas and champagne. By the way, I'm not going to Safeway. I can see some. Why would you say that now? You've just ruined the security check. Oh, it doesn't matter. He's not really going to Safeway.

He said for this guy, he chimed in and says, hey, you got gin up there? You're not drinking gin at 1045. It's Dwight Slade's old joke. I'm making eggs dwight slade when uh he would have a problem with heckler he can handle it for a while but he's like okay there's nothing nothing's gonna happen here but you always don't go straight to the staff when it got to a point he would go hey uh uh sherry bartender can i get a gin and tonic for this guy and then they would go over and just escort him. Gin and tonic was the toss code? That's a common thing

in comedy with hecklers in clubs where a Dwight Slade type who doesn't want to go, get the fuck out. Throw this fucking cunt out. This guy's a fucking minute, like I do. I have a subtle code word. Doug would order gin and tonic. Drink it

while he's being thrown out. Get him the fuck out of here. More gin. Yeah, while I drink this gin and tonic, drink it while he's being thrown out. Get him the fuck out of here. More gin. Yeah, while I drink this gin and tonic, get the fuck out of my show. No reason to. And put this on his tab. Dick. Full price. Just get the fuck out, you cunt.

Yeah. Wait, really? I was helping. I was helping. I asked Chaley on the fucking whatever that security thing is i'm not going to mention their name until they're a sponsor yeah but yeah it's like the ring but it's not anyway that was smooth up and take a picture for this guy because he's got this giant camera you can't take a selfie because you it's like trying to blow your head off

with a fucking old bazooka. No one has the arm reach. Chaley takes a picture and then he's talking. I go, I told you, 11 o'clock, my phone's going to ring. I got to start doing interviews.

It'll be nonstop. He wanted to take pictures around the compound. I said, my buddy has a picture with joe rogan i'm gonna one-up him and i go okay good let's do that he made camera size then my morning shit starts hitting me strong at 10 59 as he's just leaving and i had to race to the bathroom with my phone in my hand. I'm going to have to open this first interview

while I'm taking a loud beet and asparagus ridden smoothie shit. I'm busy cleaning broccoli. Can I call you back? Where did we get all this broccoli? I don't know why I was craving broccoli. It's a weird one. You might be pregnant.

Yeah, it's not the thing I do generally. What is that noise in the back? I'm power washing the driveway. Oh, my God. A tree just fell through the front room. I'm expanding the house. All right. We'll get back to Sublo.

Let's do some advertisement, I say now, because I've talked to the uk for so long today an advertisement about aluminium hey i will be back in a second go take a shit dollar shave club you know they have razors but they have a whole lot more whole lot more that chaley uses. Got to be honest. I use trimmers. Why doesn't Dollar Shave Club put out a Dollar Trimmer Club? Because I fucking go through those like nobody's business, and they're really expensive. They don't burn out. I just lose them.

I leave them in a hotel room. Dollar Shave Club has not just they have the shave butter. Shave butter is good. Chad and I both use that. And look, Chad has facial hair. He still shaves. Yeah, you shave around the parts. Well, I've been depressed for a long time.

I didn't shave. But I've been shaving lately, and I've been using Dollar Shave Club. Well, you got to go smooth every once in a while. I just saw a picture of you that Doug had us bring up with you with no facial hair in Vegas. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was selling that suit. That LA Times photograph. If you image Google search Doug Stanhope, LA Times, Las Vegas, that's the one where it's me and you and I think Derek and Bingo walking towards through the casino to the showroom at the plaza.

That's a great picture. I'm selling that suit. I thought I was wearing shorts for that. It's really just the jacket that's the same. You're referring to the eBay yard sale coming up in a couple of months. I have four pages on a long legal pad of shit I'm selling. Anyway. I did send the one-wipe Charlies.

They call them butt wipes on the thing but i i like the name one wipe charlie's i think it's classy yeah i've used them uh just in asia i used them uh for my hands i've used them here for my butt but just on a plane somehow like when you take a long road trip and your head gets greasy for no reason. I'm just sitting in a car. How am I getting filthy? Your hands get like that on planes and your face and I use one wipe Charlie's on my face hoping they're not second hand.

Aloe vera and chamomile. Come on. Soothing and healing. It's like Charlie's Angels. And the shave butter. Fights crime? I've used weirder things. I've used weirder things as a last minute replacement lubricant than the shave butter.

A1? Packets. That's a whole bottle on the road i could do this without you what are you doing in there try to get the a1 out of the bottle no i'm gonna shave your asshole afterwards just prepping it i have i got some of the uh clay that they send you, like a sample of stuff. I have some of the casual hair clay, it's called. And the other day, we get my grandkids once in a while or quite often. Chicken pluggers? We got them a week or so ago.

And the two-year-old, they haven't had his hair cut yet, so he has really long hair. In two years? Yeah. So it was in his eyes, I guess. So they decided to cut it just out of his eyes. So he has a bowl bang cut. I don't know if you guys don't know who it is,

but people listening probably know who Di Antwoord is. They have a chick right there, Yolandi. And I kept calling him Yolandi. South Africa? Yeah. My wife was getting mad. If you don't know what it looks like, look. She's got long blonde hair, but only short right here in the front.

But he looked goofy as shit. So I took some of that hair clay and I spiked all the front of it up and he looked cool. Nice. Thanks, Dollar Shave Club. I miked all the front of it up, and he looked cool. Nice. Thanks, Dollar Shave Club. Someone, when I went to South Africa for vacation, we went to Cape Town.

It's a terrifying state in the hotel the whole time. But someone said, oh, you're going to South Africa. You should look up Die Antwort. And I just Googled them and found them. Like, they're fucking famous. Like, oh, yeah, I'll just run into them at an open mic at a comedy club yeah try to see if i can find them here's a uh the dude this guy's showing the picture of the ninja yeah you're showing me a picture of a dude and a chick well the chick has the bangs like like he was talking about but But the guy has a very funny story about shooting hoops with Kanye. Yes.

And it's done in the style of Charlie Murphy. Yeah, yeah. With Prince. And I thought it was very good. And he's just talking. He's not trying to hit bullet points and punchlines and stuff like that. Yeah. He's just hitting bullet points.

That's what it is. But it is so fucking funny. I couldn't sleep one night, and I started watching their videos, and I just watched all of them all night. And I watched that one, and that's probably the best one out of all of them. I couldn't sleep one night, and you were here. And we watched them. We watched them for about two and a half hours.

Jenny's like, can we go now? What? You've seen them all? Yeah. It was amazing. I love their video about what's it? Dollar Shave Club. That's what it was.

Hey. See, we worked a brand into conversation. Absolutely. I can't believe some sponsors dump us. Allegedly. Anyway. Another thing that has really been part of my tour regime now is I bring

the Dollar Shave Club toothbrush on the road. No kidding. Yeah. And toothpaste. I mean, come on. This isn't just Dollar Shave. It says shave, but there's all this other stuff. The toothbrushes are amazing. A new toothbrush every week?

Yeah. No. They probably should. I get that fucking one of those electric toothbrushes. I don't keep up with hygiene. I brush my teeth, but I don't think to unscrew the top of an electric toothbrush. You think that's cool? Yeah.

All that fucking water collects up in there and creates black mold on the inside. Yeah, maybe you should try Dollar Shave Club toothbrush. All the better to get the peppermint toothpaste along with a black or a white toothbrush. Why does it always have to be racially divided? What's wrong with gray? What we're trying to say is, Dollar Shave Club, it's just not for shaving your face. And I bet we have some

beats. Get that voice cranking. And here's a great way to try a bunch of Dollar Shave Club's products. For just five bucks, you can get their Daily Essentials Starter Set. It comes with Body Cleanser, One Wipe Charlies, their amazing butt wipes,

their world-famous shave butter, and their best razor, the Six Blade Executive. Keep the blades coming for a few more bucks a month, and add in shampoo, toothpaste, or anything else you need. Check it all out at dollarshaveclub.com. Check it all out at dollarshaveclub.com slash Stanhope. And if you're like me and you have this kind of phobia about waste and recycling, they can be six white Charlies. Oh, my God.

What are you doing? Origami with these things? Yeah, I guess it's a brown bear. How many folds does that take? No one made eight yet. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash Stanhope. All right. It's been a while since we've been here,

but the streets of Bisbee have not changed. It's still derelict. It's still angry. People are out of control, and we hope to get it under control. In the meantime, Chad Shank is out in the field in his bulletproof vest and his light blue

UN style helmet covering. Chad, what do you have for us out in the field? Chad, that sounds like you're getting high. What? No, I'm not getting high. I'm working. That's a helicopter.

I'm up over here. I'm over at Copper Queen Hotel. And from my vantage point, I can tell there are three stray dogs. It's probably the heavy pollution that's making Chad cough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you got for us? A caller was yelling hysterically that her daughter was in her house going through her stuff. When asked for her daughter's name, she said she did not know it.

Yeah, it's those kind of neighborhoods that drag property values down all over town. I got a dad like that. You wish you did. What's his name? I don't know. There you go. Actually, my dad's got a son like that. If I saw you in heaven.

A caller started... Oh, wait. It's more of that smog getting in the way. Smokey in here. A caller stated a threatening note was left on a piece of cardboard on his vehicle. stated a threatening note was left on a piece of cardboard on his vehicle. An officer went to make contact with the subject who came to the door naked and appeared intoxicated. The threatening note said, we'll work for food.

I don't have any on me right now. Wait, can you walk? If someone knocks on your door, I mean, apparently the person didn't know someone was going to call the cops. But if someone knocks at your door and you open the door in your house, nude, is that against the law? No. No. You're in your house.

Yeah. I know it's legal in the hot tub. You're asking for it by the way they knocked. Oh, if you don't get two shaves and a haircut, then it's probably the cops. Yeah. I know he couldn't get served at the come and go. What else do you get out there in the world of the Bisbee Observer Police Beat? A tourist's wallet disappeared into thin air during the ghost tour.

Ooh, it might be the spooks. Kenny bang-banged you out of your wallet. Yeah, I think they looked by the seance room after. They were too embarrassed to mention it. Although it was used again at Elmo's. I mean, come on. If you go to a ghost tour, haven't you already been fleeced?

Yeah, that's it. First step of being a rube. I texted. I got some spam from your Discover card. You have to reissue some phishing scam. And I tweeted. I just got this email. If you have a Discover card, you're an obvious mark for Nigerian phishing scams.

And then Discover. I didn't even at Discover. They're so desperate that they look up Discover card without the at. No, we would never send you phishing scams. We will always include your last four years. You don't get the joke. Anyway, Chad Shank. A woman advised her neighbor was in her bushes with a squirt bottle.

She stated the neighbor had called police several times about her dog's barking, but it was the neighbor that made them bark by hiding in the bushes. With a squirt bottle. That's how you fuck with your neighbors. That's exactly. Hold on. That's how you fuck with your neighbors. That's exactly. Let's define squirt bottle or water gun. When a dog is barking at a person pointing to gun.

Yes, but you're also thinking there's water in the bottle. And not a guy's penis hiding in the bushes. Maybe she's an optimist. You're all missing the chicken or the egg dilemma of she's calling the cops because the dogs are barking. Yeah. But the lady's saying that the dogs are barking because she's in the bushes with a squirt bottle. So what is the real problem? What's the liquid bottle, ladies? Because maybe it's not water. You ever try to take DNA off an angry dog's face?

Only once. Only once, said Stumpy. That's why this chicken shit police force doesn't follow up on these stories. Meanest thing in the world? Pitbull with AIDS. Meaner than that? Guy who gave it to him. What do you got chad shag uh we have a story in honor of uh mental health awareness month a male subject was hitting the asphalt with his hammer in double adobe causing a traffic hazard

hey hey those potholes don't make themselves. Well, see, that was gonna happen when you put out songs like I Walked a Line. One day I'll have a fan that memorized all the dialogue for the ninth configuration where he's banging on the wall with a hammer

because he had it's about a mental institution just fucking watch a movie but he'd figured out how he can walk through the walls and have his molecules adjust with the molecules and they go how'd that work out he goes after several attempts i realized the's molecules were not cooperating. Now I'm hitting it with a hammer to teach it a lesson, which is a huge bastardization

of the actual dialogue. Go ahead, Chad. We chat and we try to make levity out of this, but these are serious issues in the streets of Bisbee. Where are you now? Still in Bisbee.

And finally, a Bisbee house was broken into and the heating element was taken from the oven. That's cold. That's it alright either back to the

podcast or that's the end of the podcast Chase you have another one of these do that yeah they both need drinks can you grab their glasses what they're on ebay Can you grab their glasses? What? They're on eBay. They put them on, but you'll get busted.

Oh. As of May 2016, you can't use their cigarettes. Oh, shit. Can we sell them Lucy's? What you have to do is you have to encase them in that clear... Like acrylic? Acrylic. So that it's like a paperweight. A paperweight?

Yeah. Or the handle of a letter opener. Yeah. Because all the letters we have to open. Should have taken them to Thailand. You could have sold them there. Form an ashtray out of it. Who wants camel wives?

You can put them on the slide. We tried to do that with Mother's Ashes and someone ratted us out. The way computers work, it's like really, it's ones and O's. It's yes or no. It's on the slide and then your account gets flagged and then you

can't sell anything yeah that you know that happened to me with uh youtube what happened they uh flagged my account and i couldn't watch any uh youtube clips because of the comedy dynamics clips that i posted because hennigan told me to post them and they flagged them for they copy dynamics flagged me as a copyright infringer. Because they couldn't Google Greg Shaley. No, you can. I'm in. Pretty obvious if you're okay. He's an insurance guy in the Pacific Northwest.

We were going into another commercial, but fuck it. We're rolling. All right. Let's go with that. Yeah, we tried to sell Mother's Ashes. Wait, okay. You held them for a while. Did you immediately want to sell them?

Back when we did that Humane Society benefit, we were driving up to do that and we had put it out. I don't know if the podcast was going on back then. I probably just Facebooked or tweeted it.

It might have even been MySpace days, but probably later. It wasn't. I went to that show, but I didn't know you yet. That's how I know you weren't doing podcasts yet. All right. Oh, the one where you were paying off your operation? Operation. Yeah.

That was podcast. It's in the book. I swear that was. So we were going to do it as a benefit for the Humane Society because Mother loved cats. She was a cat lady. Cats didn't love Mother as much as Mother thought cats loved her. But I thought that's a good thing to do with her ashes rather than they're hanging around in a fucking box or a drawer somewhere. And yeah, it was shooting through the fucking roof in the first two hours. And then immediately we get notifications from eBay.

Not only is it against the terms of service, but it's against federal law. So this time we just found out camel wides. I have eight packs of camel wides from the 90s, but with Joe Camel Cash. The camel bucks are in there? Camel bucks, yeah. They're that old, and Floyd gave them to me. He thought I'd think they were funny from his antique shop.

Or you didn't want to go to the liquor store to get the cigarettes. I left the open carton up here, like, showing the box tops. Two packs. One got fully smoked. One was... Who's that desperate for a 20-year-old cigarette?

If I had a buzzer, I'd hit it. I would walk a mile. I know who. Who? Not me. Derek. Oh, Derek. And other drunk people. He just forgot where he got a full pack. He'd go back to the machine. So I looked him up on eBay. And yeah, there's people selling them.

But our eBay person here, Kelly, from Vavum in Bisbee. If you come to Bisbee, go to Vavum. Was it a tchotchke shop? Or what do you call it? Gift shop. Gift shop. No, that sounds like a fucking something in a hospital. Yeah, your stuff's a lot cooler than that.

Yeah, it's fucking weird, vintage-y, strange, eclectic. That's the word. A curio shop. Can I have five curios, please? Sorry, we only sell them in packs of ten. So can you sell, like, cat ashes? I don't know, but I know that I had, you know, my back teeth I got ripped out when I moved here down to Mexico,

and I still have them in a little jar. And I'm like, I want to sell my teeth. Put them on a... Again, this is something... We're not going to do this eBay yard sale. We'll do it on the sly. Just make them into jewelry jewelry a tooth a person dark web like Silk Road shit

selling your teeth yeah but what about what's a better fucking piece of memorabilia than one of my teeth you can buy Elvis's suit his teeth well you know there's a limited supply and they're fucking oh they're horrible it'll warn you off smoking Elvis's suit, but his teeth? Well, you know there's a limited supply. And they're fucking, oh, they're horrible. It'll warn you off smoking.

Wait, those are baby teeth. When did you start? So, yeah, there's some shit you just can't sell, but eventually we'll find a way to. Mother's ashes.

Come on. That's a fucking great one. Yeah. Just have to do it in a wink, wink. You have to sell it as tea. No, we didn't sell it that time. This is tea. Mother's quote unquote tea.

We sold it as a bag of ashes in a whatever. But we obviously got ratted out by some fink. They were selling synthetic meth as bath salts. How hard is this? Just bag it up and say, mother's bath salts. Actually, that's what it is. It's the marketing. We can get ashes here in 20 minutes

if we know the right way to look for it on the web. Hey, at some point I'll go hey uh on ebay there's a chest of drawers that i haven't looked in i could do one of those little russian things where they have like six different little things and it's on the inside but the thing is custom guys want to go through two and they're like fuck it i ain't doing this you're free to go and i'm not cleaning it i haven't opened it since mother died i sell a fucking you know those old spinner ashtrays from the 50s where you put it out on top and then you hit the button and like a sit and spin for cigarettes yeah push

down but they're great old-fashioned ashtray that's where mother would want to be in a 1970s tabletop ceramic ashtray with the lighter in it. The ashtray has a lighter in it. You lean into the ashtray. She used to have those. Yeah, I'll sell one of those that I didn't clean. The ashtray is full. There are a couple of butts in there. What are you talking about?

I said as is. It was her brand. I said as is. If you read the book, you'll know full disclosure, it's not all of Mother's Ashes because me and Chaley and Bingo, was it Bingo or was it Tracy? No, it was Bingo. Bingo. And then an unnamed person snorted my mother's ashes and then we were going to snort his

mother's ashes, but we couldn't get the amulet on his neck that had to be done off of a guitar but then he's like we need a better guitar he's got 70 of them hanging from his ceiling he picked a good one man yeah

that's in the book we went to the comedy store afterwards and I watched Mark Maron's set. And he came off stage and I said, good set in that back hallway. And he said, thanks. And I was obviously fucking wired up. He goes, you all right, man? And I said, yeah, it's just a weird day.

He goes, what's a weird day for you? Well, I just snorted my mother's ashes with so-and-so. I didn't say it. I just went, nothing. Nothing. You'll get to tell that story sometime. Maybe on Letterman or something yeah when he's dead

not Letterman the guy who snorted that I'm just looking through my list of shit that I'm selling oh we've talked about this my babies was taken from me that book and then Mama What's Drunk we just talked about this. My Babies Was Taken From Me. That book.

And then Mama What's Drunk. We just talked about that book. That's going. The Fezzes. I know it's a little premature. The guy that sent us the four Fezzes. Yeah, it just got here. But I know we're not going to wear Fezzes, and they don't fit my giant alien head.

So, yeah, those are going up for sale. But they're beautiful. They are fucking gorgeous. Yeah, they, those are going up for sale. But they're beautiful. They are fucking gorgeous. Yeah, they're literally gorgeous. What's the deal with the Fezzes, though? Those used to be the Kumbaya, the original Shriners. But why a Fezz? Why not a derby or a top hat?

How do you stand out with a derby? You're a hipster. No hipster wears a Fezz. You could throw up in a Fezz. You got a washroom around here. is that why they're lined with a shower cap yeah that's why my suits are special because they go above and beyond 70s no this is it's not bell bottoms disco guy with good abs this is fucking herb tarlick used car salesman shit like you would never wear this unless you were seriously committed

so much of this stuff is from people i fans i have a 24-hour aa chip which is funny yeah the idea they made it 24 hours or that they made a chip i'm go out and put money in the meter. I'll be right back. Batteries for Rodney. Oh, Rodney. Yeah, because the button is a tester. She's going to try to fix the Rodney. I was afraid to even open the box because I'm going to fuck it up. I know it's been opened, but I just was afraid.

There's two things we were at. I don't know if it was the AOL thing or something me and Brian did. We did an AOL live when we were promoting the book, and they gave us two Android figurines. I go, oh, thanks. They go, no, those are worth a lot. Android the phone. No, these little. I know what they are, but I think they're made by Google or whatever.

Which is Google. Yeah, yeah. Maybe we went to Google or maybe AOL is part of Google. I don't know. They said, yeah, no, if these are in mint condition, they're worth a lot. And of course, I packed it the way I pack drunk in a hurry to get out of New York. And one of them's in fairly decent condition and the other one was mine that's the broken box this is so funny yeah they swore that people collect these

and i can't imagine they don't if you're a fucking egghead in silicon valley or wherever people collect weird shit they do tracy's got some of those, like someone sent her, I think her sister or something, and it's like comic book heroes or Star Wars, and she's taking it out of the box. It sits there. I don't know what it's for, but I can't complain because I bought a bearskin and a kangaroo from Lucy St. John,

and every time I go in the closet and I see it rolled up, I go, she can have her Star Wars thing. Chaley's selling some jackets. I got four residual checks. These always sell well because you get residual checks. I have four that are the high of $1.68 down to $0.62 for residuals. What's a residual check? It's half of a stamp.

Well, then I got a residual check for $37, which is kind of like, yeah, I'm going to cash that. You don't leave 37 dollars i'm not going to the fucking bank to deposit 62 cents that's the gas but 30 the 37 check was from

louis and i'm thinking all right this is probably the last residual check anyone gets from louis so now you gotta they're not gonna replay those the residual is a check you get when they replay your stuff like that's why i chart you're you're a small sliver in a big pie right and but that could be the last residual check from louis so i thought thought, maybe, but probably not. It's not on the list. I've spent... You have no fucking idea how much time it takes to do this eBay yard sale,

to take the pictures, write up the descriptions of everything, openly disclose what it is. Like, there's one sport jacket I go, oh, fuck. I'm looking up just Doug stand up Google image. I wore that on Stern. That's fuck.

That makes it a higher fucking bid. I have a card from Stern from the gift package. Uh, they give you a little gift bag, uh, when you, when you do it and it's signed. Thanks for being a guest to Doug.

And they added plus bingo and then he signed it and it's signed. Thanks for being a guest to Doug. And they added plus bingo. And then he signed it. And I'm going to sell that. All proceeds going to North Shore Animal League. Oh, nice. Yeah. A lot of this stuff will go to charity. That's Bethel's charity of choice. You don't want to give it to Scott, the engineers.

I've already retweeted that. No, the wife. Oh no the wife oh the wife she got the cancer or something hey there's a lot of fun shit there's a lot of stuff I'm not going to give it away but when people go

you're selling that you're a fucking asshole what am I going to do with it other people have sent me paintings of me. I'm not going to put a painting of myself on my wall. That's weird. I do. They're in our bathroom.

Keep sending the art, everyone. Yeah, you go into Sherry's bathroom. It's every picture that you've sent to Doug, and it's the creepiest thing. It gets you out of the bathroom quick. The one I remember. Hurry up. The one I remember, I always look at it and it makes me laugh all the time because when I get out of the shower, that's when it's staring at me, is when Chad goes, that looks

like Doug is a cabbage patch kid. Oh, Jesus, Becker. I don't know if we talked about this, but you said you have the room 66. Yes, I am currently. Don't you have the bag? I have the bag. Do you want to do that now? Yeah, I still got to find it. Becker bag? I have the bag. Do you want to do that now? Yeah, I'm still going to find it.

Becker brought some eBay yard sale items. Oh, okay. Is that what it was? So the eBay yard sale is going to come up soon. What you need to do is get on. You have to be on the mailing list. Get on the mailing list. Or listen to the podcast religiously.

But in case you're out of town that week, it'll be sometime midsummer. Yeah. In case you're out of town that week, it'll be sometime midsummer. Yeah. These are items that Becker is contributing. This is the specials and the prices and the things going on. $6 for a steak. No, no, no, no.

Comedy night in Hawaii with... Oh, my God. 1994. This was the military base tour. Was that Demilitan with you guys? I was doing that bit on the road when I did the Asia tour. I go, the only other time I played Asia was in 1994

doing military bases in Korea and Japan with Matt Becker. And back then, I ate a banana out of an old elderly woman's vagina on stage. Oh, so it wasn't a food cart? Not my stage. Yeah, not my stage. It was her stage.

Yeah. And I said, this time, I just ate Subway. What 25 years old dude eat? Oh, my God. So that's a good one and this this is a brochure of the the final uh night in hawaii at the uh i can't remember the name is that your uh is that your long-haired hickam with the yeah i was there we took that picture remember yeah he stood in the pool and uh where was it that's got still that's the fullest mullet you'll ever see on me.

D. Militant and Matt Becker with his kooky, I still remember your comedy night. It's a brochure. It's a quad fold and it is blue and well, faded white. What else? Okay, let's see. This, I thought it was one of ours

but it actually is Becky but it's still that flight. This is the flight we almost died on, Sanza. Oh. To Tamarindo. If we haven't told that story. I'm sure we have. You departed from where? We left originally from Cofito.

Sanza is an in Costa Rica airline. Airline. It's if Southwest Airlines only had eight seats and had pilots that were 15 years old, and you go over the mountains, and the whole thing is shuddering. At first, it's a small plane. They do that. But there was another one. The lady queered us on the whole thing. She goes, she's very attractive and young to be a pilot in such a weird country with so much machismo. And we have a 16-year-old hot-looking chick flying the plane.

It was. She was noticeably different. And, you know, squat size. Very, like, her face is in the control panel. Right. You understand on these planes, you're not different than the cockpit. You're just behind them. You're seeing them.

They move you depending on how visually overweight you look to one side or the other or to the front or aft, if you will. I was also on that same thing with Duran and Michelle. One of those things were like,

if we land on wheels,'m never flying again it wasn't from uh uh because whatever it was we were going over the ocean we're going over shot marindo no what happened was there were high winds yeah yeah she didn't know how to land and they and this later we found out was an actual fact. They don't give them more gas than it takes to get to their destination. No, why would you? Well, they're worried about somebody stealing the plane. Yeah. Because for drug riding.

So they literally don't. Well, the dash started lighting up out of fuel. And she can't figure out how to land. So she flies straight out in the ocean. So we're past Tamarindo. We're now out over the ocean, the Pacific Ocean. And she's crying in the front seat. Becker's sitting one row ahead of me, which is, I mean, it's right there.

It's two seats, two seats. And we, at first, when the turbulence, and you're dropping up and down, and your stomach is coming up into your chest, and your balls pull in, and you're like, oh, this is... But it's funny. But then when they overshot the runway and go out over the ocean, Becker and I made eye contact. It's one of those where you should have headphones. Yeah. So you can't really yell.

You could yell, but at this point when you go, oh, fuck, I think we're going to die. And we just made this. No, we really did. She was crying. And the kid, he's on the radio. And we don't know Spanish still. But we know there's something wrong. And the thing's now blinking. And now it starts squealing, going, fuel.

You're out of fuel. We don't know if it was fuel. No, it was fucking fuel. No, that was fuel. Because it was an American style plane. It was. I don't i then i missed it i know they're making a lot of fucking noises and they looked panicked and i thought we're gonna die we're gonna die and that's where you land on a dirt runway in tamarindo fucking worst thing it's like drug running runway are the wings gonna fit through

the fucking right yeah the trees yeah you're going through the trees where the wings fit. But she doesn't know how to land in wind, so we're going in. And finally, I think they just told her, just fucking plow the plane in the ground. Because it slammed, bounced up, and then it went. And we're just talking about when we flew into Golfito to meet you the first time we went to Costa Rica. And it's a fucking dirt driveway. It's like if you flew into Chad's house. Golfito is way south.

Way south from where Tamarindo is. So it is like every drug runner movie. Most of the small town runways are like a drug runner movie. They don't put a lot of money in them. Well, one guy does. It's state sanctioned. And I'm flying in. I flew into the capital, San Jose, on a real plane,

and then I have to catch this Sansa flight to Golfito, and I fly in, never being on one of these little tiny fucking eight-seat planes. Prop. Yeah, prop planes. In Alaska, they're twin otters. Mail plane. Yeah. Mail plane. We land on this dirt runway

and the guy there's one guy on the ground there's no guy you know crew with fucking orange cones waving there was one guy with a orange traffic cone in his one arm he's a one-armed guy imagine eddie field what you know that really i'm picturing a guy with a cone as a prosthetic at this oh no no he's holding it and then he sets it down and you get off going what the fuck and then it was the best vacation ever you guys should have known sands is uh their their uh tagline their their whole push is uh yeah, we fly anywhere in Costa Rica. Pick mangoes as you go. So do you want to know this?

They're a low flight. Sorry. The story we found out later was Sanza. So two Alaskan bush pilots were down there, and Sanza was the government-run airline. It wasn't private. It was government-run, like a lot of things. Well, what they did is they took all the tourist people that came down to try to promote Costa Rica right a year before we got there. They came in, and they put them all on planes.

They were going to fly them over that volcano they're so proud of. And the plane went in the volcano, and it killed all the people they brought down to promote tourism in Costa Rica. I'm going to have to Google this. No, Google it. Don't worry. It's a fact. Becker fact. The Doug Stanhope podcast does not stand behind anything Matt Becker says is a fact.

Your results may vary. Remember, the Harlem Globetrotters were on Gilligan's Island. That is true. Go ahead. That's a callback to the Near the Wild podcast that Becker. So what happens is they take all their tourist people and they take them and they think – and they plunged into the goddamn canyon and killed everybody that was supposed to be promoting Costa Rica. So it didn't turn out the best.

They turned over the airline, the government-run airline, to two bush pilots from Alaska that were on vacation. And they said, first, you can't have single-prop planes. If one engine goes out, you die. That's a Cessna, basically. It turns into a glider. If one engine goes out, you die. That's a Cessna, basically. It turns into a glider.

That's one of Hennigan's favorite stories about flying, where the guy that makes the Rolls-Royce Boeing engine, the best engine, and they asked him, what's your favorite plane of yours to fly? And he goes, the one with the most engines. And this is the guy that runs the company with the engines. Which Rolls-Royce is one of them. Anytime there's a crash, especially the most recent one in the Southwest,

they focus on who that's General Electric is the maker of that one. And Rolls-Royce is one of the major engine manufacturers. But yeah, of course. Well, if you've ever wondered why you couldn't find old VW Bugs in the 70s, that was the engine they used in Cessna. manufacturers but yeah of course well if you've ever wondered why you couldn't find old vw bugs in 70s that was the engine they used in sesame a regular vw bug engine and you go what but it

we have a higher octane gas but air cooled bro wow thanks hitler what else you got uh this you'll like this is the label from pilsen that you had to call and tell mary riley the juggy oh my god she was actually a pilsen girl who had no idea that she was a pilsen girl pilsen the beer i remember this now pilsen pilsen beer there's two kinds of beer no there's one kind of there's there's two a good one and pilsen no oh you're a fucking imperialic you pity out ladies that got canceled greg's here so anero i guess is january i don't know yeah i think so you're a half a spanish and narrow so she was the january girl and uh on the back of the bottle of pilsen i go oh she's a juggy and then we called her up do you know that you're a uh

a pilsen girl on the back of a bottle on a label in costa rica no she didn't know she didn't know but then she signed the form don't worry just sign it yeah don't worry we're not going to use this for anything weird so all right we spent months holding that girl oh i i have that on a poster but you have the actual ticket your actual ticket oh we have to look up the year on this oh it's 96 what is it it is 96 because i have all my that was the first year that's when we went up uh that's when i went up you had already broken ground if you've read the book no he was this was this when i booked you no that's his first trip was that one this is 95 was my first that was when after right after you? no his first trip was that one 95 was my first

that was right after you won the San Francisco comedy competition and then I booked you four months later on there in March this is right after we got back from because after Doug goes up the first time he's the mayor of Spenard Durant he used to say he can do whatever the fuck he wants he comes up

there's no Coots is his home that was the way it was played if you've read this is not fame all of this shit is valuable to you I have a feeling all of Stanhope's gonna be the high bidder on all of this shit okay and then this is

this is so I had all this in a bag I didn't know when I was moving I was like what the fuck and it was all together this is and this is of course in, but this is the monkey that was screaming in the bag. Oh, tell the story. So that was, yeah. So we, I buy this monkey. It's a, it's a, like a.

It's kind of like the Rodney Dangerfield doll. You press a button and it squeaks like a monkey. It's a promo thing that sits on the top and there's a blister pack that holds the monkey. Right. But the monkey screamed. Yeah. It sounds like a real monkey. And it was only 20 bucks, which I thought was amazing.

But so I buy this as a goof and Doug goes, all right, well, puts it in his bag to take it. And when we go to go to the Sands of flight to fly out of Geffito, it's a little flight. There's one guy, the pilot loads your bags into the fucking trunk and then throws you in the top and he flies. It really is like a limo bus of a plane exactly but way more dangerous so he puts doug's bag on the fucking scale to weigh it because you got to weigh everything you can't lie about your weight it's because the plane can only handle so much so he puts a bag on to weigh it and the bag starts screaming like there's a monkey inside the bag and the guy looks and he looks around and then he just calmly puts the bag away like i'm not going to look to see if there's a monkey inside the bag. And the guy looks and he looks around and then he just

calmly puts the bag away like, I'm not going to look to see if there's a monkey in your bag. We're like, I think we can smuggle drugs. Or monkeys. Drugged up monkeys. In this climate where drugs are

frowned upon, I think you could sell more monkeys to kids than you could coke. Ivory is more expensive. You lick them. We'll make that a package. I got one more.

This is my favorite. Do you know what this is? What? Oh shit. I decided not to sell this. What? Oh. Oh, shit. I decided not to sell this. Hang on. I'm going to put this.

Wait, wait. I'll tell you right now, Becker. When you told me that story about this, which we're going to tell, I thought, okay, we need to put a reserve on some of these. There needs to be a dollar amount. The fact that you. I had just, like, I crossed off some bullshit things from my because i have so many items in this ebay yard sale i i crossed off a lot this is just uh because i i talk about it in the book i talk about it on stage ways to get out of smoking in your hotel and just life hacks yeah but it's not a life hack is now you have an American express.

You smoke in the hotel. You go, listen, I work in a smoking environment. My clothes all smell like smoke. I'm not. And they try to fuck me over on this. This is that Dallas hotel.

Last time we played the Dallas improv. Uh, it's not down Addison. Sorry. Stop your hate mail. So this is from there where they busted me smoking. From the hotel, not Addison Improv. They were fine.

This was our hotel. So I go, what's this $250 charge? You were smoking and I had a perfect lie. And I go, no. perfect lie and i go no you kept your door barred and he knocked on the door and you could clearly anyway smoke you could probably see security guards someone thought bon jovi was coming out i've stayed in hotels with you i'm sure you can still smell smoke coming out of some of them i look at pictures from fort lauderdale and i can see smoke in the picture movies so this is just a it's a a letter back from card member services saying uh we've uh in this dispute we've uh aired on your

we've concluded our investigation and the case was found in your favor. And I'm like, that's just silly to try to sell in an eBay yard sale. But since I talk about it on stage and I talk about it in the book, now that you give me this key. It's a key card. Becker handed Doug a key card. But what's on the key card but what's on the key card at the end of our first costa rica vacation we have to go back into san jose which is this grueling drive where you're trying to pass on mountain curves around a fucking oxen and cart literally with cabs going 80 fucking kilometers an hour going we're gonna die this is worse than the fucking plane i don't san jose is nowhere to go by the

way you don't fly to san jose that's the well yeah i'm already off topic yeah we did i had to fly out of san jose after this perfect authentic costa rican vacation staying in these small fucking bungalows shit like not a high dollar, fly a helicopter, look at a cockatoo that's trained to be there. Just fucking low rent. I had to stay my last night to catch my morning flight at a Hampton Inn. This is the key card that says

100% satisfaction guarantee. If you're not completely satisfied, we don't expect you to pay. So, hating myself for actually staying at a Hampton Inn after all of these fucking weird beach bungalows, surfer, hostel

places, I told him, listen, I saw your sign here at the front desk and it's on my key card uh i i wasn't a hundred percent satisfied 98 i were you with me and i were with it and you go no i think i'm gonna call it was so fucking uncomfortable but i i we stood there going i forced the straight face i go no, don't get me wrong.

I loved the place. I mean, it was so comfortable, so much like home. But I wasn't 100% satisfied. And what do you mean? Well, the internet kiosk in the lobby didn't work. And that's pretty much it. So it's not 100 satisfied i'd probably be like 97.5 percent satisfied but you have and i'm waving it in their face when you have that promotion i'm

being a sweetheart of a person in fact i hate to do this yeah i do this. You put me on a spot here. I don't know why you would even have this promotion because when is anyone 100% satisfied? So I'm going to have to take you up on that. The porn's in Spanish. Long pause

as they stare at me to break face and I'm just smiling nodding no i'm serious but but i go but yeah this i mean i don't a marketing person should really be responsible for that i get to get my manager it probably took us 20 to 25 minutes no and we stood there only funny if you go through with it you know it's like when somebody's doing a joke you cannot break and becky's just biting her lip going this is unbelievable so uncomfortable because there's other fucking guests there it's not like we're drunk going let's go fuck with them it's morning no confidence time

yeah but no we're gonna fucking do this and we, we get our money back. They didn't have a closer. 100% is quantitative. No, but 100% is 100%. In metric, 100% is still 100%. There was a ripple in the carpet. They've changed this. Again, one of the things. Now it's 72%. It's 100% everyone that does this.

Satisfaction guaranteed. if there's anything wrong tell us if we can't fix it they put some caveats in there and I blame this exact trip so my letter from my credit card company and the key card bundle we got a

we got a Stan Hope memorabilia bundle and the other thing i spent actually the other night digging through stuff i because i know i have it it's not even a question i saw it down here it's either my magic thing i thought it was the other thing i found but i have the 666 key and that will be going on early days mullet years even before the this fucking brochure from 94 where we're playing Hickam Air Force Base as the last stop after a grueling trip. We were playing Boise, Idaho at some old hotel, historic hotel back when you had a big brass key with a big square holder. Like a diamond shape. Yeah, and we were staying with Parvo, my old dog Parvo,

that we had for a short amount of time until he died of distemper. The one who bled all over my futon. That wasn't the first book. Oh, was it? I think so. We check in and we get room 666. We're sharing a room back then. We still66. We're sharing a room back then. We're still always coming up in Canada.

Get over yourself. Yeah. And we leave this one. I'm a dog. What is this? Yeah, we leave this puppy who's having its first period on the road. They do that. And it's the skanky bleeder.

That was the dog. Not the girl, not Dina Seeley. Name dropper. God, I can't believe I still remember her name. Same tour. We leave the dog. We're already, it's end of the tour.

You get that paranoia that we still get every fucking hangover. And we're like, 666. We come back from a shitty gig, a terrible gig after a slightly terrible tour. And we're paranoid anyway. We came back up and the dog had eaten the Bible. And no one understands. Usually it's your shoes, but we put them up. He'd eaten the fucking Bible off the nightstand. Right.

And the thing is is i mean literally he did and we also have was a sheep but yeah she but we have video of her throwing up on that grave yeah yeah i have that tape too how much would that chewed up bible be worth today yeah it was before we thought about stealing bibles to sell them yeah but we were so freaked out because that was our joke doug goes i don't know what we're supposed to do now. He goes, I want to call front desk. Can we get more towels? Our walls are bleeding.

And we both, after that, our luck went downhill. We parted ways after that tour for a limited time. And I told Becker, I go, i get so freaked out there because we were like put them on our key ring to steal the 666 key and put them on our key rings and then i went like my luck has gone so shitty i just fucking chucked that into the fucking bushes one day and he goes i did the same thing well it turned out it was my parents bushes and i found it later i had to be stopping by that's what it was it was at my parents' bushes and I found it later. I had to be stopping by. That's what it was. It was at my parents' house.

I got rid of mine, too, but I didn't realize I... You were mad at your folks one day? Fuck you guys. Throw it in their bush. My dad would later die suddenly, but that will be the Doug and Becker whole gift pack of memorabilia.

Yeah, and these are one of a kind. Unless you find mine in your parents' bushes. I don't think those exist, yeah. And they're very rarely. They stopped. They took women off the bottles. Oh. Yeah.

Probably without her getting comments. But that was funny, because Doug had told me about this. He goes, she was a juggy, dude. Oh, the Pilsen label with the juggy on it? So then about two years later, a phone call rings. He goes, hey, I want you to talk to somebody here. And I'm going, who, what? And she goes, hi, I'm Mary.

I go, oh, hi, Mary. No idea what's going on. He goes, do you know who I am? I go, no. And she goes, I'm the Pilsen girl. I go, oh, fuck, you're Mary Riley. So I actually spoke to the girl right there. So if you want to find out about the eBay yard sale just either

keep watching the website or make it easy on yourself go to mailing the list yeah if you know no you didn't fuck it up we have Canada and UK coming up some of them are smaller shows so every one of you emailing me saying We have Canada and UK coming up. Some of them are smaller shows.

So every one of you emailing me saying, hey, Amsterdam, it's sold out. Yeah, we'll be on the mailing list. Amsterdam, you've been to that club. It's small enough even being on the mailing list. We should have been arrested that night. But yeah, we've talked about that. Me filming a television show and then coming out of the bathroom to do coke while it's being filmed for television and going up and giving erickson a key

bump on stage and his his only like like oh let's uh let's protect ourselves erickson turn around that was the only fucking oh well in the middle of his set. It's the, are you a cop thing to someone selling you drugs or a prostitute. It's like, that doesn't work. That's not a thing. Yeah, everyone's freaked out. If you want to go check out the website... No, no, let me finish.

Yeah, be on the mailing list. I know it sounds like a hassle to put in your email address and your location so you don't get... We don't spam you. If we're playing anywhere around where your location is, I'll let you know. I don't put out fucking newsletters. I barely tweet. I like it. It's how I found out about things I was involved in.

I like that. That's a fantastic source of information. Chad Shankday, I better it. It's how I found out about things I was involved in. I like that. That's a fantastic source of information. Chad Shankday, I better go. I'm going to be there then? I just added North America dates as well. Doug, you don't even know about that. I only have five that I told Hennigan I'm going to do, and then I got to take some time off and live.

Two of them are on the site. So yeah, get on the mailing list go to the website and uh i don't know oh my god this is a fucking that's a like i've started the ones no i'm just going through the list we'll do a full ebay podcast but i have i get this from i think it was brendan walsh i have a full giant movie poster of the king of comedy with robert de niro really yeah that's how tall it is i mean that's how wide it is i've never seen that you've never seen the king of comedy all right no no no the the the post yeah i know i went deep in the crawl space i've had that since before he was he gave that to me when he was moving to LA.

And you know the diarrhea sign under one of those stolen clocks? Yeah. That'll be in the next eBay yard sale is the stolen clocks. Oh, shit. But you get first. The first stolen clock I stole from Chaley's radio station in Alaska. That started the trend. I don't even know that one.

Yeah. What? At the end. But I don't even know that one Yeah What? At the end But I don't I don't remember that Yep And he That's what That's

I mean let's face it Radio stations Aren't like It's not like Top notch security No but it was a matter of Yeah Time matters

There's a gal doing Nails at the front What time is it? I don't know You're late Wait I can't I can't tell if you're late or not

Looking at a thumbtack. And just to plug Stanhope merch, the merch is back up and going. Chaley's been away for a while. I've been away. No merch gets sold. But on the merch page, Chad Shank shirts are coming out. And we have... I like those shirts.

If it didn't have me on it, I would wear those shirts. Chad, you gotta wear them. Chad is approving these. I'm not doing this. The things that we're doing, there's fan-submitted art. And they're a fucking pain in the ass to actually convert it. But they're fucking good. Shaylee put a lot of effort into it.

And you like it. Shaylee sent it to me, and I thought it was really neat. And we have that Che Guevara-style hat that Chad Shank wore. That's for sale. That was my beret that I wore in the Army. Were you fighting Prince? It was a big deal when I was in the army. Were you fighting Prince? They purpose... It was a big deal. When I was in the army, they switched...

I used to have a regular BDU cap, and then they switched it to the beret at one point, and the black beret used to belong to special forces. Michael Lewinsky. Well, now it does. That's what I told Jenny. It's worth more if you don't clean it.

I used to look tough in that beret, but when you're fat with long hair, you just look like you're French. Yeah. That was so cute. Where's the cheese? Where's the cheese? Well, the iconic figure of Che Guevara

is what they made it look like on the new T-shirt. And when this finally goes out, because it's a lot of prep to do the eBay yard sale, that beret will be for sale. And yeah, this shit's going to just sit in our crawl space. I don't look at fucking paintings of me. I don't put them up on walls. We have a bunch of shit that you would enjoy

that I will just let rot in a fucking hoarder's paradise. Exactly. And that's the one thing people forget. I watched Doug as he's scrambling around going, okay, I haven't seen this in forever. This. Somebody else will enjoy this more. And he fucking pulled all kinds of weird stuff. And I was like, you know what?

That's it. If you enjoy it and it's available, buy it. Because it really was from Doug's back crawlspin. That pair of floral shoes were... Go ahead. Close it up. Floral shoes, what? I don't know.

I'm just... I have like 140 items. I just wanted to tell Shaylee that I would completely watch this documentary of Stan Hope's process of de-hoarding. I watch Hoarders, and I'm fucking fascinated with it. And you always get bummed out at the end. This is a happy story at the end. Yeah, this would be interesting to watch.

All right. We'll be in Canada and the UK. Got some evergreens in the middle. What do you got? Do you want to do, Chad, to read some dates? Just hit the UK dates by the time this goes out. UK and Ireland. June 3rd.

Nottingham. I don't know how to say that. Nottingham. Nottingham. Hey, Nottingham, you fucking cunt. No. June 3rd. Nottingham.

June 7th. Brixton. June 8th. Glasgow. Glasgow, you fucking cunt. June 10th. Glasgow. Glasgow. June 10th, Newcastle. I don't know how they do fucking things. Newcastle? Newcastle.

I'm making it up as I go. I know, that's right. June 11th, Leeds. June 12th, Birmingham. June 14th, Dublin. I.E. Ireland. Ireland.

I didn't either until I had to write that. If you ever call fucking Ireland the UK in either place, Ireland will beat the shit out of you and England will frown. I will. Politely. The ugly teeth you. I will completely fight Ireland. Fuck them.

June 15th. No, Ireland's the good one. Fuck London. Oh, well, whoever wants to fight me, I will fight. You just said they would fight me. I don't have nothing against either one of them. I don't even know their abbreviation. That's a good one. Fuck London. Oh, well, whoever wants to fight me, I will fight. You just said they would fight me. Point me in a direction. I don't have nothing against either one of them. I don't even know their abbreviation.

Which hat do I hit? June 15th, Manchester. June 16th, London. June 17th, Bath. Yeah, it's Bath. Oh, maybe that's the day Stanhope finally will take a bath while he's on the tour. I wasn't sure what that meant. Netherlands, June 19th.

Doug Stanhope will be in Amsterdam. That is all. Yeah, that's already sold out before you ever hear this. Don't fucking send me. 30 seats. Hey, Doug, I'm a big fan. Are you playing the UKK anytime soon? The UKKK? KKK. All right. Thank you playing the UKK anytime soon? The UKKK?

KKK. Alright, thank you. Chad Shank at Houdini. What? No, I moved at HDFatty on Twitter, at Houdini357 for Matt Becker, at

Greg Chaley, C-H-A- I-L-L-E, and at Doug Stanhope. They fuck with Facebook, but I don't. So tweet. It's so much fucking easier. All right, let's close out on Memories by Barbra Streisand, since we're selling a lot of memorabilia. Let's hit the AC.

It's getting fucking hot in here. So take off all your clothes. Let's do this. Memories like the corners of my mind Misty watercolor memories Of the way we were Scattered pictures Of the smiles we left behind Smiles we gave to one another

For the way we were Can it be that it was all so simple then Or has time rewritten every lie If we had the chance to do it all again Tell me would we Could we, could we? Memories may be beautiful and yet What's too painful to remember?

We simply choose to forget. So it's the laughter we will remember When we remember The way we were The way we were Free Free Free You hit it, damn it.

I hit it. No, don't hurt him. But, sir, he's been pounding... I don't care what he's been doing. You are not to put your hands on him. But, Colonel, he can't hit. Yes, sir. Right, sir.

Whatever you say, sir. Right, sir. Whatever you say, sir. You're Captain Fairbanks? Not today. Sorry? I was sure you were. Not today. Do you understand me? Multiple personality.

My house has many mansions. Yes. I am Dr. Franz von Pauly. Why do you do that to the wall? Because I'm convinced that we can walk through walls. Not only me, anyone. Cops, People in Nashville I try to exert the full force of my mind On all the atoms of my body So that they will mix and rearrange And fit exactly all the holes in that wall Then I try the laboratory method I try to walk through it, through the wall,

just like a few minutes ago when I took a running bash and I failed horribly. horribly. I am punishing the Adams. I am making an example of them. An object lesson. A thing. So when the other Adams see what's coming, they'll let me pass through.

Independent snots. Shape up or ship out! There. No. No. Your grip is very, very strong, I think. That your problem may lie in the properties of the hammer. Interesting theory. May I keep it for study?

You're not going to play with it or anything. No, I won't. Okay. Good night. Good night, Captain Fairbanks.