The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #264: Good UK / Bad UK

Episode Date: June 27, 2018

Doug is back from his UK tour with the Good, the Bad and the Future. Plus, Chad checks in with a new Police Beat. Get on the Mailing List at [www.dougstanhope.com](www.dougstanhope.com). Check out the new merch. Now with more Chad Shank! - [http://www.DougStanhope.com/store](http://www.DougStanhope.com/store)Recorded June 26th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Mat Becker (@Houdini357), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), bingo (@bingobingaman), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille (@gregchaille).This episode is sponsored bySTANHOPE MERCH. NEW! Chad Shank T-Shirts, “Popov Vodka Presents” VHS Tapes and the NEW KILLER TERMITES T-Shirt now available at [http://www.DougStanhope.com/store](http://www.DougStanhope.com/store)LINKS:Chad Shank Voice Over info at [http://www.AudioShank.com](http://www.AudioShank.com)Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org)Closing song, “Funeral Party", by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes - [https://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/the-mattoid/6129716](https://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/the-mattoid/6129716)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good games today. Good matches. Yeah. Boy, that last second with Argentina. How are you listening? Are you listening to You're listening to... I just watched the score update. Oh.

Did you hear about... I watched the stock market. I guess it's a show now, but it was on HBO. The Bryant Gumbel Sports HBO show. It's two men in blazers. Yeah. They're two weird British guys, but they're American. From Britain. they're two weird British guys but they're American from Britain and they have like the biggest

fucking podcast and don't worry people we're gonna start doing that we're gonna actually put effort into this fucking thing once I'm done with my last four shows that's my gin fizz with egg whites being made found that for the first time overseas.

It's Men with Blazers on MSNBC or no, NBCSD? Oh, NBC Sports. I don't know what the fuck. Well, I don't know what the difference is. Men in Blazers podcast is what you're talking about, right? Yes. All right, yeah. I have plans for the future of this podcast.

Does this mean we're getting blazers? because I know you have a pacer have we? yeah that fucking pacer is burning out in the sun I know they didn't promise me but someone found a garage the other night after what

fucking 11 hours of playing poker? No, what? Well, the guy he texted, Gabe said, yeah, the guy says it's great to call him tomorrow evening. He's a friend of Gabe's or a relative. But he texted me that without a phone number. And then finally he texted me a phone number, and I texted the guy that has the garage, and he says, what's his name that sells cars at the circle he goes james is looking for the keys and he go all right if i'm having to count on james because i we uncovered it the other night

to show someone and that car covers a motherfucker to put back on so i just i've been driving it the last couple days but this son you know is fucking destroying that by the second. That's a theft deterrent. Car cover that's hard to get off? I didn't want to put it back on and then have the guy go, oh, the garage is open. Bring it down. So now it just sits there rotting in the sun because I'm too lazy. But I get the gump left his glasses here.

So I said, hey, if you want your glasses back, come over and put my fucking pacer car cover back on. And take all metal objects out of your pockets. I bought him the fucking glasses and he leaves them here. I love that Doug's whole idea of the car burning up. It's not like leaving a baby in the sun. No, it is.

But he leaves... 80% glass. But he leaves the... He parks it out on the street and then he leaves the windows down all night I leave the windows down during the day they were down overnight no I get

Derek when he came over drunk after another divorce night that's two in a row Derek's been over here it's over I go well if you're's been over here. It's over between us. I go, well, if you're going to come over here and fucking drink, sad talk us every night and drink all our alcohol and then sleep in the rape trailer, well, you fucking do something.

Go roll up my pacer windows. I forgot. All right. He's not sleeping in there, is he? The pacer? We don't know. There's enough cars out there. You'd think you'd find something roomier, but he's still not that bright.

Navajo seats are comfortable. Hey, the windows are open in this one. But my point being, I don't think rolling the windows down is preserving the car in any way. I mean, in the desert sun here, it is what it is. If you were sitting in that car right now at 93 degrees with direct sunlight, would you have the windows up or down? We should do it like flatliners. Let's sit in the car with the windows up and see who can go the longest.

I did that once. You might have been around for that. I had a gig in Fresno, and I drove. I had that Dodge Neon, and drove from LA to Fresno with the windows up and the heat on just to see how long I could take it I didn't know at that point it was really dangerous

you could pass out your fucking kidneys could fail I thought I was just sweating off weight and I'd get out I think it was like two and a half hours and I'd only crack the window when I was smoking and I'd crack it a little bit. And my shoes were squishing when I walked into the hotel room. I was that wet.

It was very custodian. The new story would be great if we all fucking died of heat stroke in a Pacer. Yeah, I could do it. I could do 25 minutes. That we could have easily gotten out of. Where's the door locks? I don't know. It's a Pacer. I wasn't born yet. That we could have easily gotten out of. Where's the door locks? I don't know. It's a pacer.

I wasn't born yet. I don't know. Morons die in a car nobody's heard of. Called 911 twice. I wrote, when we first, when I first got it, we were shit-faced, and I rode in the back. And even with all those windows in the backseat of that, my claustrophobia has hit a fucking level. In the UK, there was twice where once it was a shuttle bus to the airport, but basically like the suburban where I was wedged in the backseat. And then two people started getting in where I don't

have a door next to me and there's the row in front of me is full and this row is about to fill up and I just I went I I'm sorry I gotta get out I can't do this and I was gonna catch the next one but the the front seat was open but uh another time I was like getting in elevators over there are like fucking phone booths like sometimes you can't get your luggage in with the three of us and our luggage and every elevator I was panicked and one of them in that old one of the old shithole hotels that we stayed in before bingo I got on and it's only two floors up and it. And we're jammed in with a bunch of old people. And I almost took the stairs, but I was too lazy with my bags.

And we got down to ground floor, and it stopped, and the doors jiggled but didn't open. Oh, shit. And they're making jokes about, oh, what did I hit the wrong button? And I'm fucking immediately about to reach for my carry-on out of my backpack and just start drinking and taking Xanax because there's no... I always check the escape hatch in the roof. And for a minute, that was maybe five seconds that I was mentally stuck in an elevator. And then it opened. And just that, I walked off fucking shaking my fucking voice just quivering when I'm

talking to Hennegan it's bad do you really think that you could pull yourself up through a hatch in an elevator when you could barely get your carry on bag up to get your booze out of it I pictured him climbing

over the top of all the other people in the elevator. Killing everyone and piling them up like a monkey with the crates to catch the banana. I would mentally do that in every elevator that I had to share with someone. Figure out how you'd stack the old people. No one in here

could boost me up, do the foot boost with their hands. That guy's strong enough I could stand on his back. Oh, good. This is a maintenance guy. He's got tools. I'm going through it. Is your subconscious telling you to prepare for a Thai prison? Because it's starting

to sound like it. It crosses my mind. What else did you do in the uk besides worry i showed up sick as fuck it was i don't know where oh it was like when bingo and i were going to hawaii and i spent the you would just get into town becker had just come in with becky and came to say i couldn't even fucking move to wave at you i If I move at all, I'm going to puke. I had the sweats, the shits, the pukes. But fortunately, I was there four days early to do press and stuff, so I had time to get it out of my system.

In the UK? Yeah. Which I don't know if – I get sick over there a lot. But you had two days off between Canada and the UK. Two days and a half, and then we went to Tucson, dropped you off. So, yeah, I was running pretty hard. And, yeah, the flights. I can't play.

With my lifestyle, all right, if I'm vomiting and shitting water, you know, 15 shits in three hours, what do I blame it on? Airplane food? So, yeah. This was the best UK run I've ever done. And it was still shit.

That's the most complimentary thing I've heard you say about the UK since you've been home. No, your posts were amazing because you said, I thought they were pranking me. They were so nice and polite. In the shitty towns. Yeah. Not in the big ones because you were talking about that. The places that are normally fucking chaos.

Glasgow, where the last time I played, there was a full-on brawl between the second row center and third row center because someone thought the other one was talking too loud, and just six, seven people fucking going at it. That was when Frankie Boyle was at, and I still hadn't met him at that point, but I knew what he looked like, and like four seats down from the fight, that guy looks just like Frankie Boyle, but I'm trying to quell a fist fight, so I'm not going to start chatting. But that was the one where nobody around the fight was looking at the fight. It's so normal in Glasgow that they'd actually rather watch comedy

than a live brawl. Maybe those guys bought half-show tickets. They knew they were going to get ejected halfway through. Joe Rogan could double dip over that was always my joke is i that's my uh my dream bucket list is to sell out the same show twice because every every show there's fucking ejections yeah one one in one out like they do at clubs yeah hey it says it's sold out is there any way i can get tickets yeah hang out out front and wait for a guy to get thrown out the

fire exit and then go buy his ticket sell two more print two more tickets that's great but uh yeah there's the smaller towns well there's still cities uh and i don't know the fucking difference i don't know if you if i was in newcastle and you told me it was leeds how the fuck am i gonna know they're all exactly the same but i know the ones glasgow well i got the list i got the list here brixton glasgow newcastle leeds birmingham Birmingham, Dublin, Manchester, London, Bath. But yeah, the ones that are notoriously rowdy as fuck are Glasgow and Dublin and Manchester. And those were the most polite. And even those, I'm getting emails afterwards, sorry for all the dickheads.

And I'm going, you should have been at the fucking Newcastle show. I was thanking people after, and you're complaining, but I think it was Newcastle. One of them, a guy came right up to the stage with what looked like it had to be a joint. And just, this is a theater.

It's like that old... Seated? Yeah, a seated theater where everyone's like there's fucking just fucking monsters in the back they're just drunk and trying to have conversations with you it's not like hecklers they're the you know the nouveau you know stanhope shithead ejections where they're just too drunk i gotta fuck we'll get to that that's on the notes all right i'll get to that uh yeah he handed me a joint and then i'm reaching up to the stage in the middle of a bit where like i'm just getting traction on a long bit and he's standing there with it and then throws it to me and then throws

a lighter at me and i go just fucking sit down and then two security guys come over to walk him away they were they weren't going to throw him out but as soon as they walked up to him he does does the uh i'm not resisting flailing they have to fucking literally pick him up fucking shoulders and legs and fuck right out the side door and like what the fuck is and i you know i was i was tweeting hey fucking i don't know if you saw there was one day where i like every tweet i get one o'clock in the afternoon having a negroni by the way we don't drink negronis anymore that was a passing phase there we realize how dangerous they are yeah disgusting as well yeah they. It was fun for a while. No, I remember that.

It was swing dancing. Someone tweeted a picture of a perfectly made Negroni and said, starting off for the show, and it was like 11 or 12. One o'clock in the afternoon, seven hours before the show. Then two hours later, someone double fisting. I'm like, please, fucking pace yourselves. Because you got to turn up the heat it's still two hours and it got to the point where that guy when that guy was being

thrown out i frankie boiled it like at that point i had so many violent ejections most of them i didn't even know about till after the show because when they're up in the balcony you get 1200 people i can see the first six rows maybe and half of the you know three through six are shadows and silhouettes so i'd find out later about shit in the balcony that people just got thrown out for fucking that's just noises in the dark at that point yeah you just plow through that. But when that guy's being like, just right in front of you, this violent scuffle with security, I'm just,

well, that happened. And I just went right back into whatever. I was so dull to it. You wonder though, if maybe the people from the old previous bad shows didn't travel to go to your, what would have been your good shows. And then they were at that. And then the people from the old previous bad shows didn't travel to go to what would have been your good shows,

and then they were at that, and then the people went, we should go there to see the show because they're sold out at the good shows. But because at the soccer game now, at the World Cup, they have the face recognition for all the hooligans, so maybe they were afraid you were using face recognition. They wouldn't be allowed in the other show. I did have someone say that we came to see you in, say, Birmingham, and then we came to the bath show because we were so drunk we don't remember the first show.

This fucking one guy right off the bat, we had to do press when I got there, which consisted of one interview for some, I don't fucking know, and three podcasts, other people's and uh the the one guy steve mccann was his name and he was so goofy like everyone else had equipment at least small basic equipment he says oh i just do it on my phone which was smashed screen is cracked and he was so just talking and where afterwards it was a nice enough guy i guess and we were drinking it was the last podcast of three so i was pretty hammered and he was drinking

but afterwards i'm going i don't think that guy had a podcast i think he bullshitted our pr person into saying he had one because i had someone email me going hey while you're in wherever manchester can i interview you you're my favorite comic it's not for anything but i thought it would be really cool to interview that's just like saying I want to hang out with you and ask you a lot of fucking questions. Under the guise of something that may be used. But they also said it's for nothing. But he said it's for nothing. He wins.

He wins. He got into the White House. You're a dick. He got in. You didn't question a broken phone? And no service in English english that's what i started thinking maybe it's that guy and after the brixton show we were doing the fucking dine and dash where hennigan has a car waiting out back oh the uk exit yeah and we're they're still clapping while you're halfway to the hotel.

And we got to this hotel we were staying at at midnight-ish, and that fucking Steve McCann guy and one of his buddies are waiting in the lobby, shit-faced, just camped out because he had already interviewed me there, so he knew what room I was in so he knew what room i was in he knew what hotel i was in and he's like hey man and i'm like at this point i'm in no fucking mood and i go what and he's like don't you remember me i go yeah but why are you fucking stalking me in my fucking lobby like i'm going home can you give me a quote for my edin I'm going to bed. And he's like, man. So we just bail. Say, we're out of here.

And we go to our room. We've switched rooms since the one that we podcasted in. But we're just down the hall. And we hear him and his buddy talking really loud in the hall. And they're banging on the door of that room. Hannigan peeks out, sees it's them, so we call hotel security. Then we listen, and they're telling hotel security that that's their room, and they're staying in the hotel, and they pitched them. But I was talking about that somewhere, and someone heard the story

and sent me an email yesterday saying, is it true what I heard about Steve McCann? You know, it's a real podcast. We found that out. And he has some show he does. And is it true what I heard about Steve McCann? You know, he's a it's a real podcast. We found that out. And he has some show he does. I don't know if it's open mic, but a weekly show that he comedy show he runs. But he's got like some scandalous accusations where I don't know if they're true or not. So I won't repeat them.

But they're of the current ilk. And so, yeah yeah he's a known creep evidently fucking creeped me out he checked a couple boxes on on your story right there but how great for switching rooms huh it was like that's brilliant well we had left we had left and done other gigs in nottingham and glasgow and to that. It was the Hilton at Paddington Square. That was the fucking great part of the tour is we were staying mostly in train station hotels because we're training everywhere. So you get off the train right into the hotel, do the gig, Uber back.

Similar to the Canadian airport hotels? Yes. Very similar. So all the necessities are there. You've got sundry items at a pharmacy there's a liquor store everything except you don't have to go through security to get on a train and i fucking love a train is the train that like the little video that you had of the little cramped space with the bathroom and uh oh that was the hotel i'll get to that that's a whole nother thing i'm writing that down because

i want to hear about the other yeah the other great thing is almost every train station hotel we found we found a yo sushi and i don't know if they have i think those might only be uk but it's a chain but it's conveyor belt sushi and they have really good so you can fucking eat and run you don't have to order and wait for, you just grab the plate. This plate's that much, this color plate's that much, and you fucking wolf it down. So that was one of the good things. Sushi's the chain.

They're also in America, by the way. Oh, good. Yeah, I thought, I thought, whenever, I think it was when we went to Florida, I think Tracy was the one that took us over to the place. It was like on a fucking river that went all around. Yeah, yeah. Sushi just floats around.

I've never seen anything like that. Yeah, they combined it with the bidet. It's brilliant, actually. It's a money saver. That's gray water. You don't want to dip your fingers in that. That's gray water. Not the top, not the bottom.

When it goes backwards, you don't want to eat any of that sushi. If it's flowing backwards, get away. There's a guy in Amsterdam who found me. I was smoking outside my hotel right near the gig on the patio. And he, hey, I'm coming to see your show and his eyes are so fucking glassy and he's this big fucking spindly guy with the tribal tattoos is it cool if my buddy and i drink with you and i'm going upstairs right now i just came out for a cigarette where i wasn't i was gonna sit out there all fucking day reading my book. And that night,

I've been telling the goat cheese micro-penis jerk-off story on stage here and again. And this is a small club. This is Amsterdam. You've been to Tumler's. I fucking love that club. Tumler's is where we're

almost going to all be incarcerated. Yeah, the lady that produced that TV show was at the show. We did a TV show with me and a mixed bill comedy show with me and Christine Levine and Brett Erickson. Andy Andrist. Andrist. At some point, someone gave me coke and I did some in the bathroom while Erickson's on stage being filmed and then i came out and gave him a bump on stage and you guys they had to convince the producers that it was all just part of the act you turned your backs to the crowd during a live show in the spotlight

would do that for real come on i mean don't you understand art? Yeah. Oh, by the way, so anyway, this guy, while I'm telling the micropenis story, the same guy just fucking walks right up on stage, towering over me and pulls his fucking pants down to his ankles to show me his dick, which wasn't even a micropenis. So it's just, here's my dick. It's hard to throw a guy like that out what no one no one did because i didn't really react again i'm fucking numb and i'm like i don't know what your point is anyway just kind of sheepishly walked back down to his seat and no one from the staff talked to him

no one was it was the most embarrassing day of his life. Yeah, the embarrassment was punishment enough, I guess. He thought he was going to get a big laugh. I'm going to kill. This is going to make the nightly news. See, that's why you need to travel with a trombonist. Well, remember when we were shit-faced doing that music festival in Holland? Oh, yeah. Or Netherlands Rotterdam or some fucking place.

It's out in the middle of nowhere. Big music festival and we were shit-faced and thought it would be funny to go out naked on stage and no one cares because it's Amsterdam and they're fucking naked all the time and it's not a big deal. That fucking whore is naked in the windows hoping you buy him and shit.

Hey, how much for the window? We were basically that guy yeah during that show like who cares good point uh fucking we were we weren't embarrassed because we were naked we were embarrassed because it wasn't funny as it turned out we did the i thought it was really clever we did the whole benny Hill thing where we chased Christine Levine naked across the stage. And in the wings, we ran out after her. She chased us. I don't know.

It was fucking... We thought about it. We thought about it. Yeah. It's funny for us. Sure, it's boring to them, but we don't get to do that. It's a lot easier to be embarrassed as a group than it is as an individual, though. It's true.

But that's when I tweeted. Someone said, is Chad Shankank gonna be on the tour and i said if he was on this tour he his back would be sore from throwing people off of balconies a couple times i was getting just violent where i'm like you just suck at fucking drinking and i wish someone would just shug night you over that fucking balcony by your ankles and then later at night I'd go I shouldn't say shit like that because if someone did I don't know how good

my insurance is over there there was one guy that came out after a show and we're waiting for an Uber the Uber wasn't waiting where it should be kill the headlights and keep it in neutral. So I'm smoking. There's still some stragglers out there.

And this guy, the big fucking bloke, as they say, is just talking shit. And he said, yeah, sorry to say it, your support act sucked. I had fucking great comics. Glenn Wool was on a couple shows like glenn wool was on a couple shows bobby mayor was on a show fucking really funny and i go well then you just aren't fucking you're just not good at comedy that if you don't understand that that's great and they fucking killed but he's just trying to be a shithead he goes no i'm sorry your fucking support was fucking shite because you were hit and were hit and miss, but it was shite.

And I was like, I was going to fucking hit the guy. You? It would have bounced off. No, it would have just irritated him. You're like that all-natural pepper spray. And then he goes on to say, I was the guy that gave you shit at this show seven years ago at Leicester Square or something. Like, oh, you were that guy that gave me shit? You heckled me?

So that's his thing? I wanted to fucking punch a lot of people. Hey, fuck you, Mopar Head. I don't know if you talk to him on Twitter all the time. He's one of our Twitter regulars. Sounds familiar. I had a couple of uh

well here's some great people it was a cancer lady i was dying of cancer when we booked this stuff and said i i can't afford it and i go well if you're alive then email me that day and i'll get you into the show and she was alive so i got her into the show. And she was alive. So I got her into the show. Which worked in with the whole Laura Kimball story, which I tell on stage. I don't know the last time you saw my act. Yeah. At one point I mentioned how the last time we saw her, I know I'm not going to see her again. Because her head's so swollen from the chemo and the steroids that it's this big bloated pumpkin.

And I say it looked like Joe Rogan's head. And this fucking Mopar head on Twitter tweets to someone. Oh, Doug Stanhope says Joe Rogan's head is a big balloon from steroids. Is that true? I'm fucking out of context. I'm just trying to be a fucking little Twitter narc, trying to start fights. Oh, I know something so much about you. I want to get in.

First of all, no. Her head looked like that. It looked like Joe Rogan's head, but she was the steroids. Without the body. Yeah, without the body, go with it. Another suicide girl. I'm going to commit suicide after your show. Did you go long?

But it was at the same show as... That's the tweet. That's Mopar Head. Oh, yeah, he's still going on about it. He still wants... I just called him a fucking little Twitter rat. I was going to block him, but he's been going on about it. He still wants fuck. I just called him a fucking little Twitter rat, and I was going to block him, but he's been around for a while. Fuck off, troublemaker.

I was trying to get suicide. I forgot about Suicide Girl until afterwards, because I get Cancer Girl to come back into the green room and say hi. But I was going to get Suicide Girl and Dying a Cancer Girl together and go, yeah, why don't you two talk? Tell her how shitty your life is, 23-year-old girl that's going to commit suicide. Talk to Mrs. I-Have-A-Month-To-Live. Every moment is precious.

Lynn, don't kill yourself. Can I have your apartment? Hey, Doug, I just found out there's a Yo Sushi one and a half miles from your New York gig at the Sony Hall. One and a half miles in New York. Well, I know. It'll take three hours. But, yeah.

I mean, you'll be there a couple days. Well, you'll be a day early. Yeah, and I want to walk around and see the sights anyway. Yeah, as you do. I'll be in my fucking hotel the entire time. Woodbecker asked if they delivered i just pictured sushi floating down like this yeah no you're throwing it what river are you in here yeah that's mine sir don't touch that god the fucking birmingham train station

you'd walk out and it was literally walking dead. And I was asking, what's the fucking drug? Are they crack? Because they literally looked unearthed. They were gray. Are they paint huffers? Chimney sweeps. Sketchy spice is the fucking drug.

Oh, really? Yeah. And the first one who said it, I thought they were making that up. And someone else said, no, it's spice. That's what fucking Lipski was on, I think, when he fucking crashed into those people in the Pike's Market.

Pike's Market. That's killed a couple of my kids that my kids went to school with here locally. That shit's fucking bad. Just fucking wandering dead. I would make blocking patterns. To get to the Yo Sushi, it was in the bus station, which is the bus station. I mean, train station.

They're in big cities like that. They're malls, basically. And then they're attached to the trains. And I just map out, okay, I got Japanese tourists to my left. I can use those as blockers, and then I can cross here, go up, get away from that guy on the street

with the fucking pit bull, go around. And then if I use this bank of stairs, all the other ones are working the tourists. Fucking scary people. It's so much fun to just walk straight and hope somebody doesn't get out of your way. Yeah, I would have overused you if you were with me on that tour. I hope this motherfucker doesn't move. Don't move, motherfucker.

He's just been walking the train with both arms out, clotheslined and everybody in the way. Hey, complete walking pad. Total John Wick, mapping out everything. There's a pit bull there. I can throw the pit bull at the other guy. It'll attack him. It'll release the briefcase.

I can use a briefcase to slice that lady in half. Roll across the floor to the other side of the room. There was a fucking train. Train's late. Fuck. I got to go back. There was a guy when we were coming off a train coming in, and those train stations are mobbed, pedestrian fucking mobbed.

And I understood this guy. Like, just pay attention and get the fuck out of the way. Know where you're going. Don't stop in the middle to look. It's my platform. Get the fuck out of the way. Know where you're going. Don't stop in the middle to look. It's my platform. Get the fuck out of the... And this monster guy was like luggaged up. He had massive amounts of luggage and he was a massive like monster-ish looking,

not like built guy, like a fucking Sasquatch-y. And some guy that wasn't paying attention, he just fucking shoulder-jacked this guy like he was stunned. And he just kept going, fucking muttering under his breath. And the other guy, like, he wasn't too stunned to like, should I retaliate?

It's too late? What the fuck? Hennigan was right beside me. I go, you didn't see that? The guy today, he's guy today everybody was staring at this I don't think Hennegan's fucking eye surgery worked he always makes me read what does it say follow the signs to the hotel

I don't see them you had perfect vision after that I think it's passive aggressive he's making you dance hysterical blindness. We're past our mark. I'm not going to give your last name, Craig, but Craig was at the Apollo gig.

Dear Doug, after listening to numerous podcasts and being warned about early drinking before a show, I still use the excuse of the World Cup to start drinking beers at 11 a.m. Arrived in London around 5 for dinner with wine, and once you switch to wine, it's hard to go back to beer. Wow, you're really fucking hitting both ends of that. Made it to the gig in good time, but decided to carry on with the wine. I remember bits of the opening act, and by the time you came on stage,

I could see two of you. In the confusion, I couldn't focus on what you had to say and had to leave around the half-hour mark. Why the email? Just to say you were right. Don't start drinking so early. You looked great last night, mate, the both of you that I saw on stage. He's a duo now. It'd be weird if one guy was wearing shorts

so yeah let's take a break so we can make drinks too early hey this is doug stanhope for sabra hummus did you notice that uh sabra had a giant recall for uh an outbreak of listeria? Did that queer you off of Sabra hummus? Then you're a fucking cunt. You're a pussy. Sabra hummus is better than any other store brand hummus without listeria. I'd rather eat straight listeria than stray from my branding of Sabra hummus.

I would eat Sabra hummus if there was a curdled pile of baby shit in the middle, which is actually better than the garlic flavor. Or the pine nut. What are you fucking thinking with the pine nuts? Hey, Listeria Sabra. Better than pine nut or garlic. But the fucking one with the olive is great. I can't get it at my store.

So take a hint from someone who knows. I'm Amy Bingham, Bing Bong, Butter Cheese Bingham. And I eat listeria and dream about hummus even being part of it. I'll eat... Alright, forget it. eat... Alright, forget it. I'll eat straight malaria from the anus of a dead

dingo just on the hopes it tastes as good as summer hummus. So let's deal yet up, kids. That's what I was born to do. That's what I was born to do. I'm waiting for the shake.

The what? Since I said we're leaving a drink, so we'll start with the shake. That sounds like a drink. Fucking again, no ice anywhere in the UK. Hollow, if they had it. Worse than no ice. You said hollow ice. The train didn't have ice once. They have cocktails.

How do you have fucking cocktails and no ice? One time they oversold a train, and I guess they just keep selling tickets, and people on a long-distance train are sitting in the space between trains and in front of bathrooms, sitting on squatting. Like in India, when they're all hanging off the train. It's just they've got bowler hats and luggage. At least we're not hanging out the window like those savages. Pip, pip.

Hold on. like the savages. Pip, pip. Hold on. I want to plug Topping's bookstore in Bath. Topping's, they had some books of mine. It went down. Bath is the only city in London where I know where I am because it's very tiny and quaint and it's fun to walk around.

And they go, hey, you said, don't forget on Twitter, come down and sign these books. I forget I had said I would. So I went down. If you live in Bath, you go just up past the Pig and Fiddle and up the hill and take the right, and it's on your right. So, yeah, I went down and uh i needed a book i had i got three book recommendations of the ones i read five i read three i remember one i got was called uh dog

rounds and it's about fighters who've killed other fighters in the ring and it's really good that's the one that i was crying to when i tweeted. I was at that same patio bar in Amsterdam, and I welled up with tears because a lot of people in comas and stuff. That shit's still right under the surface. I don't ever think about it, but once I read something like that and I start getting teary, and that's when that weird cat came out of nowhere. Punchy, I named him because I was reading a boxing book, and he hung out with me on the patio.

So, yeah, that book I bought in Heathrow, and then I lost. I was like two-thirds of the way through, and this book is fucking great, and I looked everywhere for it. That was the other reason I decided to go down and sign those books is to see if they had dog rounds. Cause I get to finish the fucking book. Uh, but they didn't have it,

but they had my book and he recommended a book that I'm reading now by Adam K. It's called, this is going to hurt. He's an emergency room doctor. And it's the, he's an emergency room doctor and it's the he's there it's kind of like bingo's book where these diary entries from his six years and like shit that i read to chaley on purpose just

to try to make him puke a guy who had tried to jump from a roof and slide down the pole to get to his friends drunk and didn't realize how rough the pole was. And not only did he take the skin off his hands, it de-gloved his penis. And he said what was left looked like when spaghetti is stuck to the bottom of the bowl with some marinara sauce. And the guy asked if they could re-glove his penis

and he had to explain to him that his penis is smeared down eight feet of telephone pole. Like a thin layer. But really, if that happens, you don't need your hands anymore. hands anymore. You just have to figure out, you want to cut off at the wrist or the elbow? What's better for you?

You got long sleeve shirts or short sleeves? You play tennis. But it's not just disgusting stories. The guy is really fucking funny. You like his writing. Oh yeah, I was reading shit out loud all day yesterday to everyone who was sitting around me. Not just the disgusting parts, the funny parts.

And then Scores, the true story of Scores. The strip club? Yeah, the strip club. Oh wow, Lonnie? Yeah, I didn't know he was a mob informant. What? Yeah, it's a fucking great book. Yeah, that sounds... Well, not by choice.

Hidden in plain view. A mob informant? That's a fucking great book. Yeah, that sounds... I was going to get that one on audiobook. Well, not by choice. So now I know. Hidden in plain view. A mob informant? Well, he didn't start out as a mob informant. Well, yeah, if you're going to run a strip club in New York like that, you've got to be connected to the mob somehow. He got busted, man. Just to get permission.

Scores got shut down. He had to turn informant. Yeah, no, he didn't choose to be an informant. Let's get this straight. They went, you're going to go to prison with a bunch of mob guys. Or the thing is he didn't choose to be affiliated

with the mob. You're going to open a strip club? Yeah, we're going to help. Fuck. I damned if I do and damned if I don't. Wow, that's interesting. Can we keep the salad bar? It's a fucking really good book.

All three of those books. And then some fan sent me one. I always bring like a burner book. It's the history of drunkenness. A short history of drunkenness. Can't remember who. But it's kind of fun. Skimmed it.

It wasn't, yeah. Had chapters like Prohibition era drunkenness. And went through the fun parts. Old West drunkenness and how Old West saloons really were. They didn't have those fucking doors. Those doors don't make any sense. Why would you have those doors? How would you lock it up?

And the dust would blow right in. They had those doors in Alaska because the bars would never close in Kenai. Oh, and it would never be winter? No. That's what I always thought was weird. It's like, but they would have like an entryway and they would just continue to go around. There's three bars in this one area in Kenai and they would never close. This was during the-

But they had the swinging doors. Yeah. It was wide open. Well, it was probably more of a swinging door that was completely... It wasn't the saloon door. Kitchen doors. They moved to the front. Shower doors. With those little windows. Yeah. Hot coffee.

And Chad. Yes, sir. Chad is doing a full-length... Is it fiction? Non-fiction. I had Audible send me, they asked me to do an audition,

and the author chose me to narrate his book, so I have my first job. Well, not your first job, but your first audition for a job, which is way more important. It's the first job of, you know, that... Where you got picked. Yeah, exactly, exactly.

I still had help inside track the whole way up, except to the point where the author got to choose. So yeah, it's, I'm excited about it. It's a good feeling. I'm still going to do, the other book that I was going to do is the Mexican Ejection Seat by Sam Keeley. I told Sam a couple of years ago, I would do his book, not realizing how much of the production I was going to have to do of it.

Yeah. But now you're set up. I have to do that one still. That's more of a short story, though, right? Yeah, it's pretty short, but I have to do all the production on it, so it's taking me longer because I want to do it right. But this one is audible, just like we did. I just read the book and send it to them, and they do it. So it's pretty exciting. Excellent.

Good reason to get on the mailing list because when that book comes out on Audible, then we'll definitely put it out on a mailing list. There's a lot of good reasons to get on the mailing list, but I'm not spilling some beans yet. Just be on the mailing list.

LA's sold out for the, I think it's a, what's it? 11, 12, 11, 12, July,

the comedy store. And then a 14, 15 is a Saturday, Sunday at the Sony music hall in New York city and get tickets for that. I think there's tickets left. And hopefully afterwards. I think Skank Fest is going on then. That weekend?

Yeah. Skank Fest is on. So hopefully I stay sober enough through my shows that we can hit Skank Fest. And Bingo will be on the road with us. The new fittest and trimmest of Bingo. Bingo's been hitting the gym a couple hours a day doing her cardio and her weights and she's got a personal trainer and she's tan

as a brown bean. Bingo is in the dunk tank for gay pride. I saw a video. I saw you in the background working security or fixing the thing so she got dunked.

It was kind of a ghetto dunk tank she had to the the ladder to get out was pvc pipe hooked over the thing so i had to hold the pvc pipe still so she didn't eat shit i threw three bullseyes and it didn't drop yeah yeah that was kind of weird. It was a shitty built. Well, remember when they tried to do jello wrestling and the jello didn't take? So it was just like sugar water. Sugar water wrestling. Kool-Aid wrestling. It takes a lot to make a kiddie pool full of jello.

I mean, to be real, jello, it ended up being just semi-coagulated sugar water. You have to chill it, right? Yeah. You have to use half as much water. Take that gum out of your mouth before you get anywhere near my microphone. Wait, before you start, Skank Fest is July 14th and 15th in Brooklyn. Fantastic. Yep. Big J.

Bingo will be there. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Big J. Bingo will be there. Yeah. Yeah. And another reason to be on the mailing list, Bingo's audio book coming out in a couple weeks on Audible. Yeah. Oh, my. Pre-order.

I like that Bingo got up and walked all the way across the room to say, Yeah. I was wicked on mushrooms in the dunk tank. I was high as a fucking kite i had a blast doing that good you must have been the same person that cleaned that water because it was filthy and it was freezing cold in the morning that morning because there was you called me and you were almost crying at how much you didn't want to do it and i go how cold could it be in fucking bisbee in june and i looked it up it was like 73 degrees and rainy but i sat in a bathtub a cold bathtub and i was like i can't do

this you rehearsed you're like houdini outside more ice david blaine would do i'm ready i stood outside naked in the rain and i was was like, I couldn't do this. Then I was going to call my neurologist to have him say, no, you shouldn't be in a dunk tank today, god damn it. But I did it on mushrooms, and it was fucking fabulous. Yeah, but the pregame, did you do mushrooms for that too? Probably, yeah. Okay, yeah.

Probably, yeah. You did great. It was amazing. It was very funny. My favorite part was when we were all filming I by the way spent

25-30 bucks trying to dunk just trying and Doug's like Shaylee nailed it first try but that was like my fifth

lineup I only saw 15 second clips but I love bingo gets dunked by this little kid and she goes she pops up

out of the thing like a seal or an otter like looks over the edge and goes you motherfucker this is like eight year old kid she had asked me around the back because people were coming by and i was like heckle you know talk shit to people to get them to buy you know buy tickets and then at one point she comes up she goes not can i say fuck and i was like yeah i think you can say fuck i had no idea there was an eight-year-old kid on the other side of the bench. That she was pointing at.

You knew him, but. Yeah, but Shaley's last round and his last ball, I was just like, throw this one for Stanhope. And then he just nailed it. Boom. That's the first one he got me in. It would have been funny to put your little face, Stan, his face on the target. Yeah, I would have hit it first try.

You was with me with the kid at fucking Mornings Cafe where it's called Impractical Jokers. Who was with me? That was me. Oh, that was you. Yeah, this fucking little rotten fucking kid. He's probably like 10. Yeah, and he's just full of himself.

I live in Vegas. Yeah, he's what they would call precocious. Yeah. Which means he's a little prick. He's a little tubby, too. We know what a tubby is. He's smart for his own good. Wore glasses.

Yeah. Walked up and said. Yeah, prescription. Oakleys. Yeah. Or like, wow, you. He's someone's kid that worked there because he was helping, and then he came over to our table and he said,

do you watch the Impractical Jokers? Someone must have said I'm a comedian. And I go, yeah, they're friends of mine. He goes, no, they're not. You're lying. I go, yeah? Which one do you want me to call? I pull out my phone.

Please don't say Murr. Please don't say Murr. He said, Joe Gatto. I go, all right, I don't know Joe or Murr's phone't say Murr he said Joe Gatto I go alright I don't know Joe or Murr's phone number she goes Sal or Q went with Sal I called Sal straight to voicemail I called Q

straight to voicemail like you motherfuckers you let me down I tweeted on my phone at them you won't answer your phone when this 10 year old prick is calling me a fucking liar and then q called back and i well there you go talk and the kid took the phone for like five minutes you don't get a whole dissertation give me that phone you fucking prick what did q say i he you know q oh no it was uh sal that called back. Oh, Sal that called back. Okay, so what did Sal have to say? Come on, you know he loves to do that shit.

Yeah, I do. It was really funny, but the kid tried to bust Doug's balls. And Doug took it so personal. I was like, come on, Doug, just eat your egg and your piece of toast. Let's get out of here. Anyway, back to, let's do a commercial for merch oh do we have exciting merch do we have that or is that just the i'm just looking at you chad the the new uh doug stand-up celebrity death pool shirts shirts. No, we don't sell those.

Yeah, but I can give him a plug. Absolutely. Absolutely. Doug Stand Up Celebrity Death Pool dot com. D-S-C-D-P dot com. But we finally, after years of you complaining and emailing and whining about it, we got not one but two Chad Shank shirts. We have the Chad Shank Diplat shirt and then the chad

shank i call it the beard of bees head with the description of a shank is a i forget how the dictionary definition of a prison shank on the back it's very cool we have i don't think we've even mentioned this on a podcast yet we We have Pop-Off Vodka Presents An Evening with Doug Stanhope. It's been released digitally. You can get it on Vimeo or some shit. I don't know. But you can get the physical copy. I'm getting ahead of the hipster trend of vinyl.

And this is only available physically on VHS. And only 500 units. You get that. You buy your own vhs player if you don't still have yours and i know a lot of you do or your parents got it for you they're numbered hit the salvation numbered and signed numbered and signed numbered and signed and uh like a litho you can watch it on digitally on Vimeo and then have that as a souvenir because who the fuck else has a special on VHS? Just me.

We actually hooked it up to play here. And it is kind of fun to see the tracking. You remember that whole thing where it had to sync up. Yeah, it was fun. I never saw it. I saw it live and I don't remember a fucking thing because we were all running around production and i actually get to sit there and watch it and it fucking looks good in here we should we should be filming more shit in here i remember we will blast live so i'd like to see it as well because i haven't seen it

well that's another reason to be on the mailing list because when we start doing shows here in my retirement for however long that lasts, yeah, we'll be inviting small groups of people only on the mailing list and private shows. If I want to go out and work out new material, ain't going to be listed. Mailing list only. Small rooms. Have we talked about the new one? Talk about it. Oh, the new Killer Termites t-shirt.

The Bisbee shirt. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's artwork by Jim Ether. Yeah, that's the new one. And t-shirt the bisbee shirt oh yeah yeah artwork by Jim Ether yeah that's the new one and that's out that's available now so I think that oh you know what all this came out while you were in the UK so we haven't had a commercial yeah I'm out of the loop

and get my fucking book the audible version oh yeah that came out while we were in Canada thanks to the people who are leaving positive reviews on the Audible site because that helps me get jobs. People love your voice.

They got to hold me and go, do you know Chad Shank? I go, yeah, pretty. I want him to do my answering machine. DougStanhope.com slash store. Just click on the fucking button that says store. Keep us in business. If I sell that Pacer, if I can't find a garage for it,

I'm just going to sell it because I don't want it rotten in the sun. Maybe I'll do a one-off 8-track tape of my act. You could get pop-up vodka. How would we do that? It's easy. We've got to get reel-to-reel and just record it so then take apart it's no and then take a flight in the moon no somebody in this town is 77 has a reel-to-reel in his fucking storage hoard so not not for the two weeks becky's back i don't all right so please merch. Thank you very much.

Now back to the podcast. You want to do something? It's just going back to the podcast. Yeah, great. Go. There were two fun people I ran into over there. Jonathan, you know the Brit from... Absolutely.

Do some Jonathan. Oh, shit. You have to practice it. Yeah, I'd have to think about it in my head. I don't remember. I have his squirrel killing gun. He was in Bisbee for eight months. Yeah, he's been on the podcast a bunch.

Yeah, he just moved away. But his dad lives in Birmingham and asked if he came to the show if I could say hello to him. And of course. And he came backstage before the show. And I was out smoking. And the manager came and said, your friend is in the green room. So I walked in. He's talking to Hennigan.

And I just walked in.'s talking to hennigan and i just walked in i gave him a big hug i had my drink in my left hand and i gave him a big hug with my right and he has this massive goiter the size oh my god half a fucking small cantaloupe on his back just spongy and i grabbed it and it's there's an old carlin bit about like you palmed it like yeah i gave him a big hug and my hand is cupping right on top of this you got the whole world in your hand you got the whole world and it was what there's a carlin bit where he is something to the effect of do you ever go to shake someone's hand and they only have a half a hand and it was one of those where i i can't back off i have to commit to fucking the goiter speaking of goiters kenny and i well we'll get back to

your waiting for that yeah we'll wait for that the other one uh duders johnny's assistant a friend of ours came to to london oh really with his gal who got quite drunk and was hilarious and he kept apologizing texting me afterwards sorry about my drunk wife i go she was fucking hilarious those are the kind of drunks you want to have around not the yelling from the balcony having conversation fucks some people can handle their alcohol what made her hilarious she was just bubbly and fun i'm trying to think of who's a drunk we know like that but in the audience she was bubbly and fun oh she was fine in the audience okay because you compared her to a heckler who's in the audience we set up because it's fucking

duders we set up a full bar i don't know what they drink so we get small bottles but uh like she drank the entire bottle of whiskey before the show. Oh, shit. It wasn't a handle by any means, but it was a lot. And then, oh, I guess I drank after the show. I'll try gin. After a bottle of whiskey is the perfect time to try gin. Yeah, let's do it. Johnny was playing over there with the vampires. So he was doing like Birmingham and Manchester and we had the same Sunday

off, but I had planned, this is the video you're talking about. I had planned, they have the Yotel, which actually used to be co-owned by the Yosushi people. And it's like Woody Allen sleeper motels. It's a,

it's like woody allen sleeper motels that it's a it's basically a like a space age train sleeping car where you have a toilet and a shower and a bed that you can if there weren't a glass partition with the shower you could touch the toilet and the shower from the bed and you have a tv in your feet it's like everything's all dimly lit in fuchsia and i assume that you could change or suggest what color it could be. It just seemed like that kind of place. Lime green, please.

That tiny. It would be a claustrophobic nightmare if there wasn't a door right there. The door makes all the difference. Or sushi running through the middle of the bathroom. I was so close to that. But I'd stayed there once before.

Sushi in my bathtub. Well, where do you want it? So it's not on a train. It's a hotel. That's all that was missing is the rocking motion of a train sleeping car. And I was so looking forward to it because I'd stayed there once before, seven years ago. And when Hennigan was flying directly to Amsterdam from the bath gig, and I go, no, I'm going to go to Heathrow and stay overnight there because I love that hotel.

And that's when Dooters goes, hey, Johnny, I'd love to see you. You have the day off in London. And I go, oh, no, I'll be in Amsterdam. But that was before the story came out. Everyone's seen that story, howny squandered his 650 million dollar fortune but i think if it was just a few days before i could have said yeah i'm busy because he doesn't have money anymore i would have loved to send that text halloween vampires touring in the uk still they're going to be in munich frankfurt austria switzerland and italy right through to

july 8th so there you go yeah i don't think they need a plug from my podcast i think it's i think it's funny though that uh that he keeps getting in the news cycle i mean a fan takes a picture of him and he looks like he's hasn't been eating cheeseburgers and it's fucking shocking it's just he keeps getting in it. There was one picture I saw where I had to fucking call. He's like, it's just a bad picture. The next day you look at pictures of the next day. You go, either he has a fantastic makeup artist or that was just a shitty picture.

Anyway. Bingo. All right. Yeah. He flew back from Amsterdam. Like. Bingo. Alright, let's see. Flew back from Amsterdam. Like 40 total hours. Because I had to go Amsterdam to Heathrow, go through their customs, 600 people. I didn't count them all.

I counted 60 people in one lane and then times it by 10 lanes. Yeah. 600 fucking people. It took me two hours to get through customs, to get to the next terminal by train to get back you don't have global entry not in their country you dumb it says global though it should be everywhere that's the globe i've been approved fucking false advertising uh and then the flight to la i don't remember this at all, Bingo,

but you were saying that when I landed in LA, I was so shit-faced that I was going to my gate and I was on the phone with you. Tarted. You tell me this because you told me this. Was I doing the retarded voice or the cerebral palsy voice? I do a great cerebral palsy. And I used to use that to pre-board on Southwest. I used it for parking.

You need a full-on retard voice. And then when you found out you were at the wrong gate, you were like, oh, sorry. And just turned around and walked off. I was talking to you, though. Yeah. But I was playing up. You started it in the in the delta lounge where you were talking retarded really that's the second time i've embarrassed myself in the

delta lounge and they remember me you're out of pins oh i gave them all my my vintage delta pins i suck up a lot in that lounge because yeah last time was when you tried to like make it like you tried to go deep on how you were retarded. So I was like, no, I saw him way back at the bathroom. This guy's really retarded. You just kept, and you got to the gate. And they're like, sir, the gate's been changed. And then you broke and go, wait, this is not, we're going to Honolulu here?

And then you fucking turn and left. We're retarded up until it got serious. When I do my full cerebral palsy walk to pre-board, I would get right past the ticket lady, because she's looking the other way. You're going down the ramp, and then I just start strolling. The thing where you kick

your heels in the air? It's like the usual suspects. I verbal kick your heels in the air? No. It's like the usual suspects. Yeah. No, he's walking down the street. I verbal canted all the way to the ticket lady, and then I kicked up my heels on the getaway. Your gait had been changed, and you were acting as if you were going to Tucson, and then when you saw that it was serious,

you just broke. You're like, wait, I'm not going to Hollywood. Where do I go? Well, I made it to Tucson. I slept, got home after going to Honolulu. Where do I go? Well, I made it to Tucson. Yes. I slept, got home after a 40-hour drunk, got back here, and then decided to kick off the party again for World Cup at 7 a.m.

What could go wrong? Well, poker. Yeah. You decided to throw a poker game at what time was it? It was late. You started calling people going, hey, you entered a poker? I might not be up, but come over for a poker. So the poker game now goes full swing.

It was dark out. Yeah. I was motherfucking you. And I was motherfucking you. And anyone else that was at the table, because I went out and saw that mess. Actually, it was two days later, after that 17 hour poker was the day after you came home we came home drank that night and in the morning you're like come up to world cup oh okay and then i thought that was the day we get home from we had drank that night right and

then the next morning we started at the nine o'clock games, and I came up here because you were alone. Oh, yeah. And then I would drink so much until like 2 o'clock, and I went down to get something, and I go, I'm just going to lay back here. I was out cold. I don't remember how long until Tracy finally came down, and I go, I'm just going to be here for a few more minutes.

I'll be fine. 10 o'clock rolls around, and you guys are all playing poker now. And I'm like, I want no part of that. I was motherfucking whoever was at the table, because after that drunk, now I'm completely physically. I don't know how you stayed awake. And I got one of Bingo's Seroquils, which are the hardest knockout drug. And I got on the couch over at the Quiet House.

And I stayed on that couch from about noon to 5.30 the next morning. That's day three and four. Only got up. And then I came back and saw the wreckage was still here. Not all of it. and saw the wreckage was still here. Not all of it. But I had just bought these fucking weird Delta playing cards from probably the 60s that said Arizona Delta Airlines.

I buy some weird vintage Delta shit. And they were waiting for me when I got back. And I'm like, what motherfucker opened my five? I just got these. Who would open fucking obvious antique fucking cellophane wrapped and then jaylee told me it was me no i i didn't i i motherfucked with you going who the fuck because you said no use them use them and we tried them and they were so warped we go oh gum senior can't possibly deal with these cards because they didn't come apart.

I mean, I know cards. Yeah, they're from the 60s. And so Tracy goes, I'll go get a deck. So I set them off. I go, why did we open these? There's no way these were going to be usable cards. But they are cool. But what you should do is get a frame,

put it all in black, and then put the cards, one facing forward, one back, one forward, one back. I don't have that many walls over that kind of time. And I don't have any money left after playing poker with you guys for fucking 19 hours. I remember Kenny has the goiter we were referencing before. It's not nearly as bad as Jonathan's dad, who I hope Jonathan's dad doesn't listen to the podcast. Well, Kenny's isn't in an arm hug reach area.

Yeah. Kenny's is a walnut. He's Helen Keller reach. Kenny's is a fibrous. You have two noses, sir. We assume it's fibrous underneath, but we never know what could blow out of that in a Tosh.0 moment. It's like touching a marshmallow.

Well, no, it's actually pretty hard. And the thing is, it's right where an artery could be. So that's why Becky wouldn't cut it off. Yeah. But I would. She would have happily done it. Chad pulled out his knife and goes, this is sharp. And he goes, oh, wow.

Yeah, it's really sharp. Look, I just cut my hand open. That's how sharp it is, just opening it. And then Stanhope drags it across his hand and arms going, it's not sharp. Yeah, that's here. That's where it wasn't sharp. Oh, the cuts on the back of your hand. And then I tried to, and then Kenny, when I

No, I get a razor blade eventually. Yeah. Someone did. And they're clean. They're for cleaning houses. Scraping windows. So I tried to get that pretty hard and you you yelped like a little puppy so i had to show you that it didn't hurt and i started carving your name into my arm right here i i only got the k part i don't know if i stopped or you stopped me this is busy during

your world series of poker run he was carving his name between hands. I missed all that. You can still make it Slayer. I missed a lot of river cards. You did win a disproportional amount in the middle there. You really did. You were like, you were probably up 200. I can't imagine. No, you were very close.

You couldn't lose you were we were going yeah i mean he he went to bed no he walked away because uh i think you were just done and then uh well i took it down or you had a newbie force myself out of the game you had a newbie in the game and you're like i got no patience for telling someone what to play oh is that back door yeah yeah and then you came over with little mikey and i and i'm like how are you fucking still up i just it didn't i thought after i passed out sense memory yeah it could be so i remember walking i call it the acid test it was a very interesting because flushes look amazingly different when you're on acid.

Oh, that's right. There was a lot of acid going around, and I was confused as to why I was still up and thought maybe someone had dosed me, but that wasn't the case. You had enough of it. When I got the pictures at about 1 in the morning with you and Becker and Tracy laying on the dirty ramp going up into the Van Dyke, I just assumed everyone was tripping. Yeah, I think I was the only one not. Yeah, but it was still amazing. Nods all around, I was the only one not tripping.

That's why I missed all that stuff because I had to leave because as soon as I got here, I got offered out. I'm like, yeah, I'll do that. Then we took a motorcycle ride to go get ice. And then the acid started kicking in while we were on the motorcycle ride. So we took a little bit of a longer ride. And then as soon as we got back, it was kicking in. And I was like, want a second one?

And I was like, sure. And that was probably not a good idea. Welcome home. good idea. Welcome home. Felt like I was tripping while we were all laying on that dirty ramp. You were probably just catching the vibe from everybody else tripping.

I get that. I get the contact highs from trippers where you're just remembering tripping i feel like you feel dude but you were but you also went to bed three times and came back out then back in and you just left 20 bucks over like i'm all in with a pair of fives me going to bed was probably me going to search through my bag for cash i I hadn't unpacked yet. I know I have American cash in there that I didn't use in the UK. Yeah, at one point you tried to use hotel soap.

And we were like, yeah, that's no good. I don't think that's good. Hey, we got a bunch of stuff that got sent to us. You want to go over that right now? Do you have anything else? Talk about the Bible that someone made. I know this is one of our Twitter people that's not Mopar Head. It doesn't be it.

And I can't remember his fucking name, but he gave us two engraved stolen Bibles. Engraved. Oh, yeah. Bye, Kenny. Go spend my money wisely. I already spent that money. But, yeah, it's engraved photos on the back. my money wisely.

I already spent that money. But yeah, it's engraved photos on the back. There's a Stanhope one with our picture and a Chaley one engraved on the front. So those will go in the eBay yard sale. We still don't know. Probably August, I'm guessing. August at 10. We'll see.

No sooner than end of July, but probably August. Yeah. Your slate's clear after that. Yeah. I get the Your slate's clear After that Yeah I go on vacation On the Amtrak

For 10-11 days At the end of July And then after that We'll figure it out Right on Ray and Stephanie Bought land in McNeil, Arizona

Where's that? It's close North? Nearby Alright 45 minutes Yeah so they They're from the

White Mountains in New Hampshire. They sent me a little jug of maple syrup. They actually sent it to me and I gave it to you. I'm the one who will make the pancakes. Yeah. And they hope. Gluten free, I hope. Actually, yes, I can do that.

Yes. They hope to see you around town in Bisbee. Safeway. You'll always see me at Safeway. I'm in town. Public areas. Buying cantal'll always see me at Safeway. I'm in town. Public areas. Buying cantaloupe on sale.

And discount meat. There's Ronald Shampy Tinton. Yeah. And we were looking at the name, and Doug's like, I go, do you recognize it? He goes, I'm trying to see where the joke is in the name. Ronald Shampy Tinton sent a bonnet dryer. That's who he sent it to. That's not who it is. That's who he...

Oh, here. That's right. Yeah, that's right. This has got to be some... But it's one of those 1950s bonnets that you put on your bouffant and you hook a hair dryer up to it. Oh, Mike Ray Popcorn Basket. Kind of like a jiffy pop to your head. It's a deep cut.

He's talking about me and Tom Konopka doing the fraud telemarketing, and one of the home sauna was the giveaway. It's a full bag that you hook up a hairdryer to. You won that, and you only have to buy $500 worth of pens. It's like driving through the desert with your windows up. It's like driving through the desert with your windows up. And then Chad and I both got envelopes, and we got 12 hotel Bibles from Mosher.

Mosher? Maryland. Mosher from Maryland. Yeah. I like that. That's $100. I said $100 in cash. That is fantastic, Moshe. Thank you very much.

Ditto here, too. Hey, I got my money to put in for the pool. I could just change the name on the envelope. FIFA winner. FIFA money. That is very much appreciated and needed. Thank you. And the Bibles.

We're stacking up. Someone sent me a bunch of old vintage airline stickers. I thought those were really cool. I don't know where he got those or if he's making them or what the deal is. They came from China, so I don't know who sent them. Well, most things do. What's weird is they didn't have China Air or Amazon or eBay when I was drunk, but no.

No, it says Doug Stanhope, my favorite comedian. Yeah, that sounds like you. You were drunk. Someone sent me a CD of music, I'm assuming, Cousin Amy Deluxe. How do we play that? OTSB. That's a CD-R, so I guess in a laptop? Is there? I don't...

I don't know. Sure there's technology out there. I can play an 8-track before I can play a CD-R right now. I know. Might just be porn. I don't know. So, anything else? We cover everything? We covered the UK?

Thank you all the nice people that had to sit beside fucking douchebags. There weren't that many douchebags. It only takes a few. You did have polite people responding. Hugely polite people. About how they also experienced the douchebag. Like there was a parallel experience with you. It's like they know, this guy must have drank early.

And that's the person sitting in front of them or laughing inappropriately at like not the punchline but like the setup. And then it's like, all right, someone brought their girlfriend. Well, that's why those two New York shows are the end of my career until I decide – because I'm at the end. I have a set now. I have a set now. I can film this now. And the thought of having to write a new set is so fucking awesome. Just that moment of after New York is done, where I go, my life is open,

I can do whatever the fuck I want, I'll probably chicken out and go back to stand-up comedy because it's what I know. But in the meantime, yeah, I'd like to put a lot more effort into this podcast. Maybe we get some cameras in here. We definitely film shows in here.

I got a list of things we could possibly do. Shelly's eyebrows went up. That's the first time. I suspect you're going to be like one of those truckers who retires and then he turns his truck could possibly do. Sheely's eyebrows went up. That's the first time. I'm talking about this for a while. I suspect you're going to be like one of those truckers who retires, and then he turns his truck into a camper, and then he drives around the country. International harvester.

In his truck. We are definitely going to do some fucking traveling. We might do some surprise shows, and you won't know about them if you're not on the mailing list. DougStanup.com. We will be recording at the Comedy Store by Erickson. He's now working with the Comedy Store with their podcast division.

Oh yeah, we'll be podcasting from LA and possibly New York if Hennigan brings some gear. If I show up at Skankfest, I'll just crash theirs. We'll see what kind of life I have left in me. Check my pulse. Send me to Skankfest, yeah. We'll see what kind of life I have left in me.

Check my pulse. Send me to Skank Fest if you feel a beat. All right, we'll be right back after this. This is Bingo. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Okay, it's been a long time since we did Chad Shank and the police beat. And Chad was restless to get back out

and discuss the rising rate of crime in these precarious times in Bisbee. Chad, what do you got for us? Doug, a cow was seen walking around at the end of Black Knob. Black Knob, you! That's our street.

And it can't be bingo. She's been hitting the gym. Go ahead, Chad. I have no word whether the cow was caught or not. It may still be walking around. Someone called to complain about neighbors creating a disturbance

with noise from lovemaking. That was definitely me and Bingo. That was certainly us. Was it from years ago? I thought it was Derek and Bree. That may have been related to the cat.

Me! Me! Derek wasn't there at the time. Is that a cow? It's coming from inside the house. That's impossible. I'm not even home. In what may be an ongoing feud, a man called to complain that his neighbor had posted a sign in his yard

with a picture of him and his wife. I don't understand that one. Is it a picture of the neighbor? The guy put a sign of himself and his wife? Yeah, because it just says himself. It says him and his wife, right? It just says himself. It says him and his wife, right? Posted a picture in his yard, or posted a sign in his yard with a picture of him and his wife.

The neighbor complained, but is it the neighbor's? Is it the old joke? Hey, you got any naked pictures of your wife? You want to buy some? If you put just like a happy picture of the man and wife in his yard, you wouldn't think you would call the cops. But if you put a picture of him banging his wife in the yard, that would probably piss him off.

Well, if I had a neighbor I hated, and I just posted a photograph I took of them in my yard, just like, why is my... You can't have a picture of me and my wife in your yard. Free country. That's kind of a really subtle fuck with. Get off my lawn. I like that. Could it be their anniversary?

Could be. Maybe this is a romantic thing. We're taking a totally different angle. Maybe they're ugly as fuck. Oh, yeah. That'll keep the dogs out of the yard. What I think is the neighbor called... Oh, so this is a related incident, possibly.

Police are looking at this as a related incident. Early, early signs may lead to that. I think it's a copycat. A man complained that his neighbor is constantly harassing him and his wife, including placing two gravestones pointed at their house. He said the neighbor had threatened to break into their house and drag them out. I guess to the graves? How do you point a gravestone at someone's house?

This is like aggravating assault. Who is he dragging out? Is he going to the neighbor's house because his wife is in there and dragging them out? This is one of the things that we're going to do in the upgraded Doug Standoff 2.0 podcast when I'm retired is do some investigative journalist and find these people and find these gravestones and drag them out and make them explain. Police work is hard. It's very dangerous out there. What the fuck? Who's putting gravestones in?

These are the styrofoam, right? These are the things you do for Halloween that you buy at the spirit store. No one went out and bought marble gravestones to put in their yard. I feel like you're underestimating the people of Bisbee. You've got to commit to the bit.

A woman reported a suspicious person in the alley of Turquoise Street who was carrying a vacuum. Yes, getting tougher and tougher to be a rainbow salesman. It's a mayoral candidate, Cynthia. She wants to clean up this town. To be fair, he might have not driven to the garage sale like i do on multiple occasions that is weird when you when you happen upon a garage sale while walking

you see me i got a record player a portable record player i'm carrying like a suitcase that thing that looks like a an umbrella with none of the material yeah that's like a clothes dryer yeah it looks weird walking down the street. What else you got, Chad? A woman requested that the canine unit locate and remove a cat that had been meowing all night. A canine unit for a cat. Well, who would you call?

The mouse? The fucking animal control person. I got a mouse. Can you send the cat unit? I think she wanted it removed permanently. I often send woodpeckers for my termite problems. You call the city? You know that song about the old lady?

Swallowed a fly? No. But we have a bottle of rum for her. We just John Taffer'd the bar and found some kind of sweet rum that had about 800 tiny little fruit flies in it. And that's why I hate your little green toppers. What's wrong with the fucking cow? No, no, no, no. That's not it.

That had no topper on it for a while, and a green topper was put on it. That's why that happened. To keep the bugs in? To keep the bugs in. We left the green topper off. I'm calling the police. Back to you, Chad. A man complained about a skunk being a nuisance in his yard.

It digs holes and smells, he said. That sounds like this set up to a joke. What digs holes and smells? You're a wife. Maybe that was on the... That was very good. Very nice. Maybe that was on the sign of the couple in the yard.

What digs holes and smells? It's like the couple. Headstones and pictures of the couple. It's a whole fucking thing, man. Oh, shit. It all comes together. A man was... A man was seen shaking a woman

and then chasing her into Safeway. The couple claimed they were just play fighting. And if, bingo, you say anything differently, I'm going to fuck you till you sound like a cow. It was play fighting. And you fell down those stairs. We were play fucking. Now we're play shopping.

Do you mean they misquoted Doug? They said play fighting. Finally. Finally. A man was seen swimming in someone's cistern and was suspected of trying to get into people's houses. The caller said that if he sees him again, he's going to shoot him. It's like trout in a barrel.

What's a cistern? Yeah, a cistern is a water collection device. For like horses. All right. That's what the old device. For like horses. All right. That's what the old trough is for horses. All right. How do you get into someone's... The concrete well.

But do you break in the house first or you get the cistern first? I mean, I assume... Depends if you ran into the skunk. You do it afterwards. Make a clean break. That's a weird way to enter a house. Yeah. Just the idea. Through a one and a half inch pipe. That's what I'm trying to say. To to enter a house. Yeah, just the idea.

Through a one and a half inch pipe, is what I'm trying to say. To get into a house. That was it, but Bingo says she wants to, instead of closing on a song, Bingo wants to close on a joke. A Bingo classic. We can do a joke and a song, I don't give a shit. Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law? No, I have not heard about that.

That is, uh, was that in the latest police beat? It might have been. What happened? He was given two consecutive sentences. We're going to close on a song. Thanks for listening to the podcast. See you in L.A. and New York. close on a song. Wah, wah, wah, wah. Thanks for listening to the podcast. See you in L.A. and New York. One, two,

three, seven, yeah! Right on, baby! The priest is here And the casket is ready Her body inside Looks nice and steady Let's play it for the man For the last time Play it for the man

Farewell Play it for the man For the last time wait for the man farewell blade for the man for the last time wait for the man praise the lord We got to go on with the funeral party We got to go on with the funeral party Yeah! Alright! Now the priest is talking And the casket starts to move Everybody's crying We all got the groove

Let's play it for the man For the last time, play it for the man Farewell, play it for the man For the last time, play it for the man Praise the Lord And we got to go on with the funeral party We got to go on with the funeral party We got to go on with the funeral party Yeah! Alright!

Everybody, cry! Yeah! Praise the Lord! Yeah! Yeah! We'll see you next time. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.