The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #266: Updates, Gripes & Bad Beats

Episode Date: July 11, 2018

This week - a Rouse clarification, Doug's gripes and Chad and Chaille go over some bad beats from the past. Get on the Mailing List at [www.dougstanhope.com](www.dougstanhope.com). Recorded July 7th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille (@gregchaille).This episode is sponsored byDollar Shave Club - For just five bucks, you can get their Daily Essentials Starter Set. It comes with Body Cleanser, One Wipe Charlies, their amazing butt wipes, their world famous Shave Butter, and their best razor: the six-blade Executive. Keep the blades coming for a few more bucks a month, and add in shampoo, toothpaste, or anything else you need. Check it all out at [www.DollarShaveClub.com/STANHOPE](www.DollarShaveClub.com/STANHOPE).FIXD - Go to [www.listentomycar.com](www.listentomycar.com) and enter promo code STANHOPE for an additional 10% off the already discounted price.STANHOPE MERCH - NEW! Chad Shank T-Shirts, “Popov Vodka Presents” VHS Tapes and the NEW KILLER TERMITES T-Shirt now available at [http://www.DougStanhope.com/store](http://www.DougStanhope.com/store)LINKS:Chad Shank Voice Over info at [http://www.AudioShank.com](http://www.AudioShank.com)Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org)Closing song, Bille Jean, written by Michael Jackson, performed by Noah (only1noah) on YouTube - [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mY_-XNyVyNQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mY_-XNyVyNQ)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast yeah the blue is foot yeah no i would have noticed if it said foot before see i don't i never what i never look at well no i never think there's a real difference. Like when you get extra whitening toothpaste versus long-lasting. They all have a different...

It's the same shit. But you reach for the Gold Bond bottle or the little thing. It's the orange-yellow. I would never look to the blue or green without... This isn't disparaging either of you two gentlemen in the way you shop, but I look for the gold and the red cap,

and I know exactly what it is. I don't go to the store myself, but Jenny probably thought extra strength is better than regular strength, is what I would assume. Agreed. And I did too. I didn't – I just looked and it was Gold Bond powder still.

I didn't know if they changed the – I don't know the difference between Pepsi and old Pepsi cans. I don't know when they changed their logo. Gold Bond medicated mustard. Gold Bond powder. It goes down your pants. I don't think there is – if a product has extra strength, there's no more regular strength. It's all extra strength. Like who's going to go, yeah, I get a headache, but not that bad.

That cooling itch relief is too much for me. I'm going back to the orange bottle. Well, that's exactly what I'm saying right now. Oh, you are? Oh. You're backpedaling. No, no, I'm not backpedaling. I'm saying that.

You're itching right now. Look at me. I'm not itching. It's very cooling. The first time I put gold bond powder down my pants, I didn't know if it was a good idea or not. It's like Kama Sutra. Yeah, you're kind of like, oh, no, I do like that.

Yeah, tiger balm. That's what I was looking for. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Voigtman. This one is that initial feeling of, oh, that was a mistake, except for it just keeps climbing into, yeah, fuck, that was a mistake. It's like closer to Bengay than. Did she give you a piece of leather strap that you put in your mouth

on your first try so you can bite down, you can grit down? Can I take it? Can I take it? That's the one thing that I always have in my road bag to go is one of the little small bottles you buy at Target, the little airplane size. And I hope it doesn't open up. Yes.

All right. We'll get some gripes out of the way off the top of this podcast. And then we get a strong show. I'm just going to read you this email while it's still relevant. This is a

Rouse story that someone sent me. And I'm going to make just a one word vague. Mike E sent me a story. I wanted to tell you a story. I worked in a club and saw so many comedians that I could never remember

their names. I remember Rouse. Some people walked out after the, quote, fucking a hooker with frozen dog shit joke. That upset people. That upset most of the people. He lost the crowd. A heckler shouted a joke. That upset people. That upset most of the people. He lost the crowd.

A heckler shouted a joke about 9-11. Rouse lost it. He left the stage and tried to fight the heckler. Despite the fact he disgusted the crowd, they sided with him. They beat the shit out of the heckler, and he returned to the stage a hero. He was carried from the stage to the bar. He didn't buy a drink all night. He was one of the most polite and pleasant people who worked our club.

A good man. I drank with a lot of comedians back then, but he was drinking for real. I'll drink to him tonight. Just wanted to remember a guy who made me laugh. Now, the word I left out of that was Jason. Jason Rouse is a Canadian goofball comedian. I'm not saying he's a bad comedian. I remember he does like J.T. Habersack kind of punk rock music, rock and roll venues.

He wears a grill he's a white guy with a big gold grill and I thought that was like when I used to wear a Santa hat as a no he meant it he means the grill so he's talking about a completely different

Rouse it's like fucking a hooker with frozen dog shit. I can't imagine Sean Rouse doing that without having a really good point around. I think Jason, who I could never take seriously once he smiled. I don't remember his act. He would do just, all right. I was confused when he said he wanted to fight him yeah i was like yeah he came out into the crowd really that would take a while

but but i wrote him back i go i hope you're not confusing jason rouse and sean rouse and then he wrote back meekly yeah Yeah, I guess I was, I apologize. And I wrote back at least you didn't send RIP flowers to the wrong family. Like Jason Rouse is dead. He was my favorite. No, no, he's fine.

All right. Just some beefs. We mentioned the, whoever's selling those hope t-shirts. He's fine. All right. Just some beefs. We mentioned whoever's selling those Hope t-shirts. I'm inundated on Twitter with people from Facebook. Someone's selling the iconic Obama, whatever you call that, lithograph. The Hope. It's just the most hackneyed, tired, fucking 10-year-old shit, and someone's selling these shirts,

and people keep asking me on Twitter. Yeah, if you see that in your Facebook feed, I don't know how Facebook works. Just trash it. Let them know our opinion. You're a hack. This is nothing that Stan Hope is behind.

And then we'll let him make a lot of fucking money off of it and sue him. I did get an email from a guy named Zachary and one of the sites that's selling it is Viral Style and he sent me the

protocol for getting something pulled down. It's a lot. I know. This guy's going's a lot. I know. This guy's going to do it. Yeah, and I appreciate him telling us that. He's got a way. And there's another guy, Mike, from the UK, who has basically a punch sheet of when someone is just fucking with your brand. He works for a company that does this for businesses.

And so he's sending me that, and I'll look through that and see what we can do. Because there's some little things you can do right off the bat, and one of them is a very nice template of cease and desist, which is enough to fuck with some people. Yeah, and the other avenue is killer termites who have a lot of free time on their hands.

I know the guy supposedly lives in Thailand or did for a while. I tracked down the... I forget his fucking... It's easy to find. But they're not even shirts that he's taking a picture of because the screen print area is too big.

He's taking a photo and, you know, Photoshopped that. So it's like, it's even a shitty version of a Photoshop job because it's not representation of what you're actually going to get. I've actually bought things that people hacked of me.

Those little pictures that are in the little house. Yeah, I go, hey, listen, you send me in bingo because there's one of me and one of bingo, or there were. Yeah, send us one each, and I'll promote your thing. Because it's really cool looking. They're Photoshopped, but paintings. They're really cool little art pieces. He's jacked them up. The last time I saw one on eBay, he jacked it up like 100% in price.

But I don't care. That was the week you were sick. That's the thing. I don't care if you fucking steal my shit in a good way. Like I've always said, find a fucking scam in the system. But don't make me look like I'm a fucking hackneyed twat that would sell that fucking just garbage t-shirt all right we've been over that but please yeah uh shit on whoever is trying to sell those i guess it's on instagram too i don't know it's all over he's he's basically tagging you and everything so

anyone who's looking for something or they get an alert with your name or your account on there then it pings them which uh for viral marketing, well done. Speaking of viral marketing, Mrs. Gump came to me and said she wants to take over my Instagram because I never use it and start maybe filming little pieces like Chrysler and little bits to promote things. She goes, hey, I want to get into this. I know how to do it, and I want to use you as like a trial run. Fuck yeah. That's what having a bunch of time off soon does for you.

And your Instagram, what is that, your name on Instagram? Doug Stanhope. Is it? No. No? Well, yeah. Well, don't look at it yet because there ain't shit on there. I think Hannigan put some stuff up there.

I love that you had a meeting about something you know nothing about. There's another call to action for the termites, but let's say the fucking your Jeep problem. Oh, this fucking Jeep's been nothing but problems. Wait, Jenny's Jeep? Yes. Didn't you just get that? Yeah. Oh, do you want to borrow my fixed?

I need one. No, you can use it. I took the fixed. It's one of our new sponsors. It's one of the ads we're doing for today. I took that device and put it on every single car in the compound. And it lists them all. You can use one on all of them.

I thought about it, actually, while I was doing this. I really did think about talking to you about it. Yeah. It was, I'm driving back yesterday. The fan went out. The cooling fan went out. So I was like, I got to look and see if it's under warranty. Not under warranty.

Sure. Just 40,000 miles. Yeah. 40,000. Wait, you bought that new? Yeah. Or new used? Yeah.

No, brand new. Had 65 miles on it. I got it. So it's... It was a rough 65. It's three year or... It's a police chase. It's like three year or 36,000 mile warranty for bumper to bumper.

So I got about 40,000. So I'm just out of it, which is... Shit happens. Except for I look it up to see when I call them to find out how much it's going to cost. And if it's under warranty, they say, no, it's not. So I say, all right, I'm going to do it myself then. And this is the fan on the outside of the radiator that sucks the air by? Exactly.

The one right next to the radiator that pulls the bearings out of it and it's just wobbling. If I let it go, it'll end up wobbling into the radiator. It'll fuck more stuff up. So it's dead parked. As soon as I looked it up to find the part and stuff, all I found was forum after forum and even comments on YouTube video as recent as a month or two ago. And it's been going on for years. And they say, yeah, this has been an ongoing problem with these vehicles to the point that people's vehicles were stuck in the shop for months at a time because these fans were on national backorder. And everybody's trying to submit it to the uh recall thing for a

recall and they keep pushing more out and it creates more of a demand so you never that's why i was bitching at him but this thing's been problem solved one of the funniest things that happened was when we first got it it kept switching from standard to metric you'd be driving down the road and then all of a sudden you're going, whoa, I'm going, oh, that's kilometers. Oh, this is fucking funny. And you're like, I'm fucking... This is great. And then your temperature is in Celsius

and everything has just switched over. So onboard electronics. Yeah. It just flips over. Everything in there. But this happens with our phones. And well, I told Jenny, I said, we had to take it to the shop a few times to get them to fix it before I figured out how to fix it myself.

But I told Jenny, I said, what it probably is, is, like, I listen to Pandora Radio here, and it'll give me commercials from Mexico based on GPS because we're right on the border. So it's probably some sort of GPS system that switches it because we're so close. That's the only thing that made sense to me. I don't know what. Wait, is Mexico metric? Yeah, I think, isn't it? Everyone's fucking metric. Yeah, everyone's metric.

I-19 is metric going to Mexico. I thought that was to get you started. I guess I should know that. So Jenny takes it to the shop. And she tells him what's going on with it. And the guy says, well, where are you from? And Jenny says, I'm from Thailand. And he goes, oh, yeah, that's probably why it keeps switching.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It notices her heartbeat. I told you. I wished I was there. I told Jenny, do they have an ass fucking ethnicity sensing seat? I know it heats up, but does it know automatic? Oh, you are from Thailand.

You're used to the metric system. Let's switch you over. Hey, I got something wrong with my exhaust system. Really? Where are you from? Oh, that's it. Boston? Yeah, it's probably that. What? A are you from? Oh, that's it. Boston? Yeah, it's probably that.

What? A lot of smog in Boston. That's why it's really, yeah, you're a bad guest. It's pulling to the right. Well, how fat are you? Well, I'm pretty fat. Yeah, it doesn't want you to go to Burger King. Pulling you away from Burger King.

Did you eat before you came here? Because, what did you have? Oh, my God. Fucking ridiculous. So, did she say say anything or was it one of those like i just gotta get out of here you know jenny yeah yeah she's meek she doesn't know she'll come home and use the f word while telling me the story but she's gonna just sit there and fucking listen while they do it you know let me uh throw out this uh i this, and I've been waiting for when we fucked with hashtag Sky Candy. You guys put all those horrific pictures on the hashtag Sky Candy and ruined it for a weatherman.

Who I'll never mention his name again. You found a new one, right? Yeah, but I think I might go back. It's a long story. new one, right? Yeah, but I think I might go back. It's a long story. There's a T-Mobile who we hate because T-Mobile

doesn't work in Bisbee. I don't get any reception. Let me guess. T-Mobile. Brian has to go up on the deck and take business calls in the high winds. I've heard it more than once from people here. No one out here has T-Mobile. It's people that

are visiting and they'll have it. We even had a device that we put on the network here to try and assist that is no longer on the network because it was a piece of shit. It didn't work. Yeah, it didn't work. So they're doing a... During the Major League Baseball

season, throughout the regular season, it's hashtag hats off for number four heroes. And that's H-E-R-O-E-S for you. That would just spell it with an S. Hashtag hats off number four heroes with an E. What they're doing is they're going to, every time you tweet that hashtag, they're going to give a dollar to Team Rubicon, something for the troops. What they're doing is exploiting dead soldiers.

Hey, if we ride on the backs of dead soldiers and you play along, we're going to give him a dollar. Throughout the entire regular Major League Baseball season, which I think is 1,875 games per team, small print up to a million dollars, which they've probably already hit by now but they're not going to tell you hey that's enough they're not going to stop the ad campaign the thermometer didn't

hit the top yeah we don't need all the free advertising i thought it would be funny if that hashtag was flooded with hats off type of uh pictures and or videos of people that don't have a head and now i'm not saying you should do that was a thought you had that came to your head existing pictures you should find existing pictures of people that don't have a head yeah don't cut off your own head no this was a dream you had where you thought it would, like, what kind of world would it be where someone was, it was a dream you had, right? Yeah. Yeah. Like, there was a band of people that took the mantle and ran with the idea of headless. And ruined a hashtag with decapitated people to show corporations that you can't ride the bodies

of troops into free advertising. And if you try, you're going to pay a dollar for some shit you disagree with. Right. Right. I think that would be a fantastic idea. I wish I'd have come up with it. Well, that's, you know, dreams are weird. You never know where they're coming from.

That was a crazy dream you had. So anyway. Hey, there's 162 regular MLB season games and we're at the All-Star break. Is that halfway through the season? No, we're not near the... Are we at the All-Star break? Isn't that the halfway mark?

And we'll skip all the World Cup. Let's get into into we have two fucking great stories today one i really don't think you've told this because we've brought it up hey tell that story chaley and you go it's water under the bridge i don't want to rehash that you might have told well no i can tell the story now because I look back on it and I realize how crazy it is. And I've gone past that whole series. That whole part of my life is... Yeah, there's two bad beats coming up right now. How long ago was this?

Early 90s? All right. Yeah. Yeah, I guess enough time has passed. Well, no, it started, yeah, like 92 or... All right. I'm like, I guess enough time has passed. Well, no, it started, yeah, like 92 or... All right. I'm like, my heart's beating right now. Yeah.

Can I get another beer? When you would tell me just random stories, you were not giving Bingo an enema, but explaining to her how you use an enema because this chick you're about to talk about was a bodybuilder and you had to apply enemas to her. Oh, I had to iodine her skin and wrap her in plastic, which was rather sexual. But she's bound and wrap her in saran wrap and give her an enema. And there's no fucking. Wait, wait. How does that even on ecstasy?

What are we doing? I'm sure he put his dick in her mouth while she was passed out. Just to shut her up. Thank you. Yeah, it was crazy like that. That was a crazy time in my life. And I was working in the bar a lot, playing in a band. And wasted it all on her.

Well, no. I mean, it was one of those things where it was one of those crazy, tumultuous relationships. And when you're in it, you don't think you're ever getting out of it. And when you're out of it, you're like, wow, how did I stay in that so long? This is that. And it got to the point. Are you going to make this a Me Too story? No, no, no. and when you're out of it you're like wow how did i stay in that so long and that this was this is that and it got to the point are you gonna make this a me too story no no no i guess i could i'll try and angle it uh i decided that it's time to break up and i remember talking to my brother on

the phone because i she went away she went back home for a couple weeks which i goaded her to do it's like no you gotta, you got to go. You got to. Because then it gave me two weeks to clear the fuck out. Right? Kind of chicken shit. But I'm talking to my brother on the phone, and I don't know if I'm going to do it or not. I dumped my last ex via email.

Well, yeah. What's easier for us, right? Yeah. When violence could ensue, this is the most efficient way. Oh, boy. Yeah. So I'm talking talking about brother on the phone and i'm like yeah i don't know you know we got this place and the cat my brother goes

fuck the cat get the fuck out of there load your van right the fuck now and i did i loaded the van got into a place ended up living next door to becker at the time and so i got out of there clean but she was still coming back another week so that i take her truck drive to the airport and i'm parked out in front of baggage at in anchorage and uh she comes out and i go you drive for the keys and then i poke my head in the door passenger side and go we're done that's it

we're through that's it and I thought oh fuck done right I'll catch a cab I'll get back

oh wait where's my fucking car I parked my car at our fucking house I forgot and I'm telling the taxi cab guy yeah I need you to go up here we're gonna go up the highway I parked my car at our fucking house. I forgot. And I'm telling the taxi cab guy, yeah, I need you to go up here.

We're going to go up the highway. Follow that car and pass it. No, I didn't know. I just, I went to the taxi, just head on back, grab my van. As we're driving there, she fucking starts pulling up like that. Like you want a race type thing and just a mean mug.

And I'm like, I said to the guy, hey, can you step on it? Is this a thing where you can go? He's like, and I go, I don't know who that is,

but we should probably get there first, and we get there. He drops me off, and I'm like, don't leave, and we lived on a cul-de-sac, and I'm stuck at my van, she's blocking you she will she is she will not let me get in the car in the van it's a it's a van with windows all the way around

it so it was a little it was a one-ton ambulance that had like view windows all panoramic windows so i'm trying to figure out what the fuck what and then she's like she's like catching me and i do this like juke move and i am able to get in right wait so you're she's on foot or she's in a car she's on foot we're in the cul-de-sac tussling like she's like not touching each other but she's like won't let me get into the into the car so i do like a double fake i get in the car and she's like laying behind the fucking i have to do this with bingo when she's trying to get out my pie. Yeah, this is a way out, guys. She will not get out from behind the car that's pulled in front ways.

So I'm like, what the fuck? Right. How do you get out of that? I just lean on the horn until someone starts looking. Just fucking. I want my fucking. Public shame. Bitchy neighbor up top to fucking do something, right?

We're always worried about what she's doing. Now she's looking out the window at us. I'm like, check it out. What are you going to do now? Finally, I pull out and I leave. I go, fuck. That was a fucking mistake, but pulled out okay. And now I'm working on the radio.

Got a new girlfriend. Not now, but. No, no working on the radio. Got a new girlfriend. Not now, but... No, no, at the time. A couple weeks. Maybe a month or two after that. And I get a call from the ex. She's pregnant. Oh, no.

Oh. She's telling me that... She's trying to angle it to, like, fuck with my new girlfriend. So immediately, I go, no, she's trying to angle it to like fuck with my new girlfriend. So immediately I go, no, she's on the phone. I put her on the phone every time she called me. And so now it took the total wind out of her sails. And I go, all right,

if this is what's going on, then we should go get a test. We head down to the free clinic and I got someone else there. It's always public places. I don't need another fucking repeat. And I go go into the nurse calls the name we go in there and she's just all like my ex-girlfriend's just mean mugging me the

whole fucking time sit in there nurse explains what's going to happen and then i'm asked to leave well she does a piss test nurse comes out tells us yeah she's pregnant and basically my ex just like fuck, and just walks. It's like to make me stew over this whole thing, right? I get called back a couple days later, and she's laying there. She can't say anything. She can't hold over my new girlfriend. She can't hold any of that over my head.

So she's diffused there. So now it's like, yeah, you're going to pay. And I'm like, oh, whatever. All right, if that's what you want to do, you want to have an abortion want an abortion that's fine well i'm having it in washington i'm going down to washington the abortion the abortion i'm gonna do this and you're gonna you're gonna pay and we're gonna all right but a public place place and i wrote a check because i don't want to give her cash and then it's over you want to write it off on your taxes. Yeah, you get creative there. I did a bit about it on morning radio, so it's kind of a business expense.

So it's over. Once again, that's it. We're done. And a couple months later, the radio station I work for has – Is that K-Wale? Yeah. The radio station I work for has... Is that K-Wale? Yeah. There's a...

We sponsor the VIP rooms at the stadium for the hockey games, right? Yeah, the Anchorage Aces. Yeah. So we're in between periods. My girlfriend and I are there. And I go to... It's like a separate room. It's not...

How's your new girlfriend? Is she... You're like, fuck her? Or is she just staying out? She thought I was really like, wait, she's trying to like angle this against me. Like, because I told her the whole time. So, yeah. So it was very, it sucked. But it was still like, I wasn't keeping secrets or anything.

I'm just like, hey, man, this is just what happened. Right. So I'm standing in line. it's like a lavatory bathroom i'm standing in line with a bunch of the guys we're waiting to use the restroom and we're talking and then uh a guy comes out of the bathroom another guy goes in the guy comes up to me and goes uh hey uh you on the radio this is the guy who just came out of the toilet hey are you on the radio i go yeah i work with the the morning show i'm on the radio did Hey, are you on the radio? I go, yeah, I work with the morning show. I'm on the radio. Did you say Dana Stripper?

I mean, they go, whoa, hey, look, I don't want any problems here. I don't know what she told you. I don't know what's going on. Because that was my ex. That was her thing, right? And there could be more stories to set up what a fucking horrific girlfriend this was but i think the listener probably yeah yeah you you've you've been in that relationship so this guy who comes out of the bathroom or yeah you've totally in this

relationship what just took it this total stranger who comes up to me and says, hey, were you on the radio? Are you on the radio? And then says, did you used to date a stripper? And I'm like, on the defensive, he goes, no, no, hold on. I'm just saying this because my old lady used to strip before she got pregnant. And while she was pregnant, a gal from the strip club came over.

I just have to stop you there. In Anchorage, it's weird that you would stop stripping just because you're pregnant. But his stripper girlfriend was pregnant and then... She took time off and my ex had allegedly gone

over there and was soliciting getting some urine because she wanted to fuck over this guy on the radio who was an asshole and this guy heard that and goes beat it said get out of here and he recognized my voice while he was taking a piss as oh wait there's someone from the radio and he put this whole from listening to the morning show everything stop you and say why were you talking well you're taking a piss that just no no no no you sound familiar we're we're standing in a hallway with a bunch of guys there's one guy in the bathroom making a joke yeah i make for funny so yeah so he he recognized the uh the voice and then said oh

radio oh could it be? And he did. And, uh, that's when I was, I just, I waited a couple of, I told my girlfriend and then, uh,

told, I called her later and just said, look, you're fucking despicable, man. Are you really, this is, this is what you did.

And I just said, just, this is it. This is it done. Now it's over. We don't have to, we don't have to talk anymore because you're a piece of shit, what you did. And she ended up going to Seattle, which she did go, to see Marcy Playground play.

She spent the money on a costume. Yeah, she had the extra 600 bucks. Jeez, what do I do with this? Why not take the vacation? Yeah. But it is... The fact that that guy walked up to me, I would still to this day not know what the fuck.

And it was just so fucking cool. My brother, when he was in the Marine Corps, he went through basic training in South Carolina and then whatever school, MOS, for his cooking school in North Carolina. And he got married right after basic training. And his wife moved down there to the Carolinas. And then they broke up and he got shipped off to Oceanside, California.

Yeah. And someone saw his name tag, Stan Hope, his uniform. Stan Hope, were you married to a girl named Jody yeah were you at wherever in North Carolina and he told him everyone in North Carolina was fucking his wife she's dead now

him only in my eyes separate stories alright let's take a quick break I need one There's another bad beat coming up Please hold Dollar Shave Club This is Chaley and Chad world

I love them Becker and I we don't shave No Well I mean it's clear in your appearance Yeah It sells tickets Retired Homeless chic shave no well i mean and it's clear in your appearance yeah yeah it sells retired it says yeah if i looked as clean and groomed as you i couldn't sell tickets with this act i don't shave very often and i still save money using dollar shave club and if i bought regular razors i

switched to the two the the double blade oh yeah i i don't know i don't know what it was but i said ah i remember we used to just do it with two plates and i went back there and i'm fine with it i'm fine well waxing nostalgia yes it's a it's a few hairs right under your nostrils yeah yeah i don't know how your nose is listener but mine is uh close enough that yeah, you get four blades. It's not getting the enemy at the gate. I might be talking. You have like a mini Hitler. I might be talking out of my ass, and I'm not sure, but I think on the five blade, on the back of it,

they have a single that's used just for that area. To get your sideburn, to grab a real tight line there, and to get under the nose, which I always loved, and it's such a feature. I complain about a sponsor, and you find a solution. See how that worked? Yeah, Dollar Shave Club has it all, evidently, because I'm looking at the ad copy, and now they have fucking toothpaste, shampoo, body wash, conditioner, hair gel. They have the Dollar Shave Club wart removal. They have anal bleaching.

Some of these are still in the prototype stage. Yeah, but they're still preventing Hitler. Don't reach for your mouse yet, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, they did send us a care package. I'll bring it in here for you guys to pick the things you want but yes they have uh from hand lotion to you know what they even have they have the traveler kit the dop kit if you want a nice small decent little dop kit which is where you put all your your sundry items for the bathroom oh you can get it all right there a dop kit that's what

it's called jaylee knows words for everything a stanchion you know the velvet rope at a shitty club that's a stanchion is what you hook that rope up to yes what's a little fucking thing where you get the ramekin he just knows these weird words for everything so i worked at a movie theater and a restaurant. Big fucking whoop. Yeah. Hey, what about. Yeah, but you listened. And that's the part that annoys. That's why I collected two paychecks. Hey, you know what?

One wipe Charlie's. How about those? Whoa. All of a sudden. All of a sudden it's Doug's world. Yep. Took him on tour to all those places. I thought maybe this country doesn't have toilet paper.

Yeah. I became an addict and now I I have one wipe because I wipe once because there whether it needs it or not no I I wipe in I don't wipe out because that would be a to wipe so I have what's basically a dispenser of one-wipe Charlies where you can pull it out of my butt like a Kleenex dispenser. Oh, yeah. I just leave them in there in case you want a second wipe.

You're like that Stonehenge thing that they put over tissues. Yeah. Pull it out of his nose. Pull it out of my nozzle, yeah. One-wipe Charlies. They're good for two. Made for one, good for two. Good for number one.

Nobody can wipe just one. It's still fine for number two. One Wipe Charlie's, they clean better on the way out. So Doug misread the labeling. He thought One Wipe Charlie's means it's only good for number one. One and done. Which is ironic because it's number two. I sit to pee, so I always wipe.

Sure, yeah, yeah. Front to back and then back to front. Hey, they also got the pomade, which is something that I use. I don't know why I use it. I just tried to use it. It has a good smell. Oh, shit, I used that on the blue apron.

That's what it is. Is this motherfucking condiment? No. It's specific hair pomade from Dollar Shave Club. I like the Meyer lemon toothpaste. I do recommend the toothbrushes from Dollar Shave Club. I was just thinking Blue Apron. They're metal.

They're substantial. They're in your hands. They're very good. That's one of the things I like about the razors. Grace, is that a cross of filling? Oh, sorry. No, no. It's not Brillo pads for the bristles.

Oh, the handles. Not the bristles. The handles. That seems like a terrible idea. Big failure. Now the Dollar Shave Club explains it to me. I get it. It's for cleaning your grill.

Compare this to the wire brush. Cleaning your grill. Maybe they'll do a combination with Weber. And here's a great way to try a bunch of Dollar Shave Club's products. For just $5, you can get their Daily Essentials Starter Set. It comes with Body Cleanser, One W wipe Charlies, their amazing butt wipes, their world famous shave butter, and their best razor, the Six Blade Executive.

Keep the blades coming for a few more bucks a month. Add in shampoo, toothpaste, or anything else you need for the bathroom. Check it all out at dollarshaveclub.com slash stanhope. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash stanhope. I don't like the way they always end with slash Stanhope.

In this day and age, who knows who's listening? They might think another voice is talking. Take it literal. You should go slash Stanhope. After you shave. Always be branding. Get a razor. Slash stand-up.

New sponsor, Fixed. F-I-X-D. Fixed. Tell me what Fixed is. Fixed diagnoses 7,000 car problems from your smartphone. I just read through this. I have this same tool from when I was a mechanic, and this is an expensive tool,

and it's more complicated if you have the tool. What it is is it plugs in under all cars that are somewhat new. Even if you're poor and you have a used car, they have this port underneath right under the dash. Diagnostic port, which is in any car after 1996. Oh, there you go. I didn't read it that thoroughly. That's why I'm here.

I skimmed it. 96? Yeah, that goes back. They, there you go. I didn't read it that thoroughly. That's why I'm here. I skimmed it. I didn't catch that. But yeah. Yeah, that goes back. They could have killed Kennedy. But so you plug it in, and it'll give you a code if there's anything wrong with your car, going wrong with it. When you worked for this.

The machine that I have. Yeah. But then it just gives you a code that you have to look up in a big, huge book. Reference manual. Yeah, exactly. This does all that shit for you. This does all of that for you for less than it would cost for the fucking mechanics to buy that part or that tool. Which you can do yourself, probably.

Yeah, so this is actually really cool. I would use this. When you plug this into this port, do you need a lubricant? And is that included? In this hundreds of dollars this must cost. Perhaps thousands? It doesn't mention lubricant in anything I read. Doug is clearly not looking

at any of the copy here. This is a little device. How big is that? I would say that's a dental floss. Travel-sized dental floss. That's what I thought it was when he held it up. It's a product called Fix. They're a new sponsor. F-I-X dental floss. Travel-sized dental floss. That's what I thought it was when he held it up. It's a product called Fix. They're a new sponsor, F-I-X-D.

And this plugs into that diagnostic port. There's three different spots in a car after production models after 1996 in America have to have this diagnostic slot. This thing plugs right in. You download the app, and it tells you everything that's going on in your car. the app and it tells you everything that's going on in your car. All of my fans right now are searching Urban Dictionary to find out what the diagnostic

slot is. No, they're looking up to see what a car in 1996 looks like. Not a pacer. Fucking Mazda has a weird wrench thing and then a circle with a thing.

Two things are fucked up with that, and they don't make any sense. And there's like UK washer dryers. We're about to find out. There's thousands of things that a check engine light comes on that it will report, okay? There's thousands.

There's no way for you to know. And you can get a reference model or a reference catalog and your device. I don't know what that is. Or you can get a reference model and a reference catalog and your device i don't know what that is or you can get the fixed plug-in module and it will tell you exactly what's wrong with your car so then when you go to the mechanic you know what's happening before he does i know it's wrong with my car is i've been letting the gumps use it and uh now all sorts of lights are on when i come back from the road do they they have a device for that? Why didn't we just fucking plug this into the car before we did this? Oh, why?

Because I'm too drunk. They put cotton candy in the gas tank. I don't. It said it. Oh, no. They put unicorn farts in the gas tank. I just made up this new logo. Hashtag Elon Musk.

Made up this new logo. Hashtag Elon Musk. The number one thing that when I was talking to the rep is with this device, you can turn off that check engine light through the app on your phone. If it's something shitty that you know you don't need. If you look at what it is and you go, oh, the gas cap is ajar. You twist it. And that is one of the things that a check engine light will bring on. Well, even like here where we live live we don't have uh emission standards yes so a lot of those lights will come

on and stay on if you have a part and only thing it needs is to meet those emission standards so if you don't need it you can shut that shit off but the other thing if you can shut that off it doesn't matter i mean if your car passes yeah they will not give you your renewal if it has a check engine light on yeah and that we ran in that in alaska yeah it was like you're kidding me becker chad chaley yeah does it have baby in a hot car does it do baby in a hot car you know there there is a request line on the on the website i'd like to pick up hitchhiking babies leave them out in front of the safe way and forget because i ain't got no babies of my own that could be something they add the developers are always looking for different newfangled

things to add this uh with this device and the app on your phone you can turn off the check engine light right from your phone and i that that above anything else, I think is very valuable. Knowing that something is wrong with your car and going in to check your mechanic to see how honest you are. Well, if you're mechanically inclined at all, diagnostic is what you're going to pay for the most to find out what it is. So if it's a simple part that you can change yourself and then find out, you can save literally hundreds of dollars just from somebody telling you what it is.

Because he's going to do that. Yeah. And then they charge you for it. Yeah. And you're going to go to the mechanic and they're going to plug the fix. You're going to get Becker off on a tangent. You know how they fuck me? 1996.

Why don't you do call to action? Because I think I left a baby in my hot car. The company is fixed. How do they get a deal? Right now, you can get fixed for as low as $39 each. Plus, listeners of the Doug Stanhope Podcast will get an additional 10% off when you enter the promo code STANHOPE at www.listentomycar.com. Fixed.

What's that one more time? dot listen to my car dot com fixed what's that one more time go to www.listen to my car dot com and enter promo code stanhope for an additional 10 off the already discounted price the product is fixed i think i might have stepped over the fact that she got piss from a pregnant woman. She found one. Like that one. The gal let her in the house. Let's be honest. The mobile home. And then said get the fuck out. And then

she found someone. I mean she was. She worked at the biggest strip club in town. So there were plenty of people in there. And there you know. It probably wouldn't take long to find someone who's going to pee in a cup for you. So she did find someone. But it's not like drug testing. That's the thing I found out later.

Because wait a minute. I've been fleeced, and now I'm interested. You want to figure out what's going on? And I found out that on piss testing for a paternity test, they don't check temperature. They make sure that it's a female and all this, so it's not a negative, right? And she got it soon enough or she cared for it enough. She gave him a cube of ice. She took care of that piss better than she ever took care of me.

But hold on. On drug testing, they always check temperature. And the gal, the nurse, like, drew a curtain so she could have her privacy while she, you know, hit the swab or whatever the fuck they did. Yeah, had to look at a dirty magazine in order to get it up for a piss. Had I known, it'd be like, no, we're best, all that. Curtain open, I'm in the room. Because then you would be able to actually tell. That's it.

But it would be a lot, I think it would be easier for a female, because the way that I always spoofed a drug test, a piss test for drug tests. I thought you were going to say how you spoofed a pregnancy test. No, no, spoofed for drug tests for jobs is you get somebody. Who's going to question him? You get somebody to piss in a condom. Yeah.

And then I would wrap it up underneath your taint and hold it there so it maintains body temperature. Or keister it. You could even keep it hot. I'm not saying you. If the first idea didn't work out, maybe. But that's not my go-to move. You'd have to go frozen to get it in. Just tucked up underneath your balls and then put your underwear

on. It's out of sight. Not conspicuous at all. And then you have a warm container of pee as soon as you need to fuel the pee. That's a good way. But for a woman, you could just put it up your fucking prison purse is what I've learned on this podcast. She could have called Amazon if there's a curtain in front of you and the first

person watching. Jesus Christ. A large pump of pee. A pelican could have come in and dropped it off. I should have said stork. Oh, fuck. So you had one other story. Well, you were asking me if I ever thought, if it was anything ever suspicious, which you know, of course there was. But I do remember one time when I was living, I was still playing in the band and we were traveling quite a bit, like not in Alaska.

And I was based out of Southern California. And I decided to surprise my ex-girlfriend, my girlfriend at the time. The one that this story is about. And for Valentine's Day. And I know all these people up in Anchorage. Everything's fine. And like, yeah, yeah. But don't say nothing. Don't say nothing.

Literally, the band that was there. The house band at Coots. I got to our apartment. And he was out the window. Onto the balcony. To jump down into the parking lot. That's how fucking close it was. Surprise! What are you doing here?

I better shower really quick. So yeah, the craziest thing on that was, this is the guy that was trying so hard to hire into my band. And she just sat there and watched the whole thing. She's fucking him on the side. And I'm going, what do you think? Do you think that is Ray the right guy for the band? Yeah, you should get him. Well, he's gettable, right?

People are fucking conniving, man. Jesus, dude. Conniving people. I have two conniving, man. Jesus, dude. Conniving people. I have two conniving people stories similar. One of them's funny and one of them's not as funny. The first time I had to do that, the chick told me she was pregnant. We had been dating. She lived with me and stuff for a while.

And then she wasn't living with me at the time, but we were still fucking on a regular basis. And she tells me she's pregnant. So what are you going to do? I want an abortion. Okay, I'll fucking take you. That's the stutter step. I'll take you. I'll pay for it. Well, because I don't get a choice.

It's like, well, honey, you're like hand-wringing. Yeah. What do you want to do? What do you want to do? I'll support whatever it is you want to do. What do you want to do while you you want to do I'll support whatever it is you want to do what do you want to do while you're going abortion abortion abortion go abortion snake eyes

and also thinking like how can I talk if she doesn't say abortion how do I talk her into abortion without seeming like I'm talking her into abortion but right away she's like I'm talking her into abortion. We're moving into a two-story. But right away, she's like, you know, I want to get an abortion

and I go, I'll give you a ride. I'll pay for it. I'll do fucking handstands in the parking lot. Whatever I need to do to fix this problem. Well, you can't like jangle the keys and go, ready? You gotta be like, well, if that's if you've thought about it enough.

And it wasn't, I didn't have a thought about it enough and it wasn't i didn't have a computer internet or anything yet so i didn't know how much abortions cost i didn't know how to look you know other than calling an abortion clinic i guess but so she said i need to you know my mom's gonna take me to phoenix and i need six hundred dollars so i gave her six hundred dollars and absolutely let me know if you need me to pick you up from your mom's whatever you need you know i'll help you out i'm trying to be a fucking decent fellow. Can I just cut in and say that it seems like the cost of abortion hasn't changed in decades. Because it's always $600.

That's my cost in 2004. We're always just so grateful to be able to fork over that money that we don't look it up. Did you verify any of it? I did not. No, I paid for it. The one I had, I had to pay. Directly, right. You got comic money, though.

You had to go there. I got to stay home for five. Oh, no, I didn't go. Then later I found out that she had been fucking like a multitude of guys. I was embarrassed to find out what a whore this... I knew she was a whore, but I thought she was my whore. I didn't to find out what a whore this...

I knew she was a whore, but I thought she was my whore. I didn't know she was everybody's whore. It was easy. A whore is a... No, no, no. That's a paid prostitute. I'm sorry. Oh, okay.

I got you. I don't know. I'm not familiar. You know what? I have my own list of offensive epithets. I can say midget and not feel... But when you say whore i go that's a slut i learned i learned the difference between morals and standards right away when i

was young and i never had to uh employ the services of a whore as you say because i was not too ashamed to both words are positives yeah i've made that she was a uh she. She was a loose woman of, I don't know what the fuck you say. Not ill enough that you didn't know. She was a dude. Just say that. She was a fucking dude. God bless her. Best fuck I ever had.

That's a good point. You know why? Lots of practice. Once I was fucking her in the living room from behind, and she looked back and she said, let's do something we never did before. And it took me about three strokes before I just picked her up and opened the front door and went out into the yard and fucked her.

Because it's the only thing I could think of that we never did before. You have a new hole I don't know about? So I guess it shouldn't have been a surprise before. You have a new hole I don't know about? So I guess it shouldn't have been a surprise when I found out that there were a lot of dudes involved. But one of the meanest things I've ever said to somebody was, I said,

what hurts the most is that you made me pay $600 for an abortion and you could have just had each of us pitch in $10. In a serious argument, I said that. There's no way she got that. Fuck, I don't know. I didn't care.

It was funny to me. What do you mean? It cost $600. It wasn't $10. Pass the hat. It's cheaper in Anchorage, by the way. So you've been told. Maybe that's just what it costs to go to Marcy Playground.

That's right. You know the press at concerts. They did have a hit. Yeah. I assume you think that's the funny story. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, but this story you're about to tell. Okay, so I met up with another woman soon after that story happened.

And had a fun time with her over a few days. that in a drug-fueled partying rage, I definitely remember peeling a fucking, just the fucking ring of a condom off of my dick, going, oh, that's not good. It was just gone. Yeah, yeah. There was a blowout. We've all been there, I'm sure, I hope.

I don't know. There's a comic I remember, and I don't know who it was. It was a million years ago when I started or before who had a joke fuck maybe it was that marty juggler he did a bit about uh going into a girl with a condom on do you ever do this and then i pull out i when i finish i pull out and i realize there's no condom there anymore. And I don't know, should I tell her? Should I go back in for it? Should I just leave? So I'm leaving thinking, what if the next guy goes in without a condom, comes back with one one arm and he's like,

I guess I owe you a buck. Or ten is the case, maybe. So I got a... So you were the different chick. Brief affair with her. It was fun and exciting. Mainly because I was holding drugs at the time. Yeah, you spent a few days where they were meeting the whole time you were just trying to come.

You're doing meth going, any minute now, any day now. These are themes that keep running through my past with my ex. As you say these things, these are similar things that happened that I never running through my past with my ex. As you say these things, these are similar things that happened that I never did anything about. It was horrible. If I was partying and doing things, I did methamphetamine and stuff,

but I always held a job while I did it. I never had problems with that. I get a lot of jobs, a lot of jobs. I was normal during half of the time, and then I would just be a fucking crackhead and hang out with weird people. But at one point she brought her kids over.

She was a Hispanic gal and she brought her kids over to my house during one part of the extended weekend and one of them was I don't know. I'm glad you brought up that she was a Hispanic gal, so maybe we can lose some fucking listeners

that are fucking these racist fucking cocksuckers that Trump has pushed my way. So a few months later, she starts calling me out of the blue, and I was like, oh. But you're done seeing her? Yeah, yeah. Or the drugs are gone?

Both. Both of those things and uh so she starts calling me and i immediately that's the first thing that hits my head is that i there's i don't she wouldn't be really yeah yeah why she's not calling me three months later to see if i've got any dope what you're doing you know so so i didn't answer the phone for a couple days. I'll be honest. I was scared, and I was trying to fucking formulate what to say. And what I ended up saying is I answered the phone, and she said, I took a test. And I said, well, I'm guessing you didn't pass,

or you wouldn't be calling me. Algebra's not for everyone. I'll come over and pick you up and we can discuss it. Because, again, I know what causes that. I've never been one of those guys. That wasn't me. Right. I know what happened.

You took a proper tact. So we get back over to my house and I said, again, whatever you want to do, I support whatever you want to do. And she had, she Hispanic is also means Catholic, but the Bible never said anything about methamphetamine to be fair. So abortion, bad methamphetamine, nowhere to be found. Apples to hundreds if they mentioned abortion. She said, well, I'm not having any more children. And I said, okay, that's fucking kind of what. And then she followed it up with, I'm not having an abortion. And I was like, ooh, I don't have any choices left.

I'm going to kill the oldest one and bring this new one in. One in, one out. I said, then I guess that's my responsibility, and I'll take care of the kid. And nine months later, I had a kid. So that's how where my youngest daughter, that's the story of my youngest daughter. You're only, because now you have stepkids that you refer to as your kids. Yeah, and you guys, and we've never talked in depth about it.

That's why I told Stan up earlier. There's a bunch of stuff we've never discussed at all. I think we've talked about the fact that you only have one natural child. Yeah. So the biological father, it's not the boys boys the boys that come here for the ufc fights and stuff like that yeah yeah different biological yeah so the the gal basically this this your ex dropped daughter daughter off on you and said raise it well well she told me from the get-go that i basically she left me no option and i didn didn't know what to do. She's not having an abortion.

She's Catholic. She's not raising a kid. The other thing to keep in mind is that at the time, I was kicking in doors for meth dealers and collecting money. And I was good at doing things for fucking gangsters. And I was about to move up quickly in this world and so i had a crossroads i figured because whenever i took her home from the hospital one of the things i showed up to all the doctor's appointments while she was pregnant and she said and and i asked the doctor is there a way to test for paternity during pregnancy and he says yes you

know through amniocentesis but there's a risk to the baby it involves putting a needle in and withdrawing amniotic fluid but not to you well to me I think Chaley's just testing you to make sure you know the big word

you might have just memorized I learned that in ninth grade when I took well you learn a lot of things when you have to learn things uh fuck now i lost my train you asked about the testing and you probably chose not to because that's no matter whose baby it was that's not cool to you know that's my one weakness i don't like people at all but small people small children they are not yet you you know, some of them could actually be decent and helpful. Why would anyone want to damage, like, you know what I mean?

Why would anyone want to reduce the health of an unborn baby by just doing that? Exactly. It's not that important. I'll wait until later. And then at the end, when it was done, when I mentioned it again, she told me, if you're going to act like that, I'm just going to take custody of the baby back. Very familiar. So what I figured at the time was that I'm the best candidate of whoever's available is what she's saying.

And if I need to go a different direction, I'm not going to change my life in a positive direction for myself. So if I help, and this kid is going to be addicted to methamphetamine within years. I know a lot of people who... So I didn't pursue it. Didn't pursue what? I didn't pursue it. The check. Paternity check.

I didn't pursue the check. Paternity check. I didn't care. I took her, kept her, raised her for 20 years. And the other day, she sent me a fucking text message. I think we've hinted at this on the podcast. You've always been suspicious. Right. Well, I've always fucked with her because I may not be smart, but I am clever. You are smart.

And she always gets herself into predicaments that I have to help her get out of. She's dumb is what I would always tell her. How are you so dumb? And losing her bus pass is not one of the predicaments. Oh, my God. She gets into predicaments. You're being so kind by saying predicaments. So forever, I would do the Smokey and the Bandit where there is no way, no way that you come from my lawn. When I get home, the first thing I'm going to do is punch your mama in the mouth.

And I would joke with her about that over the years because it wasn't something we uh i'll go back again i guess go ahead when she was young we found out that she had a reactive attachment disorder uh because she fucking behaved you know like one time when she was real, like a toddler, she was pissed off at me and like climbed onto my lap and wrapped her little hands around my throat. And I was like, whoa, that's not, I don't think that's normal. So we were trying to figure out what was up with it.

And they were like, yeah, she happens a lot with adopted children, but they just don't bond with anybody in their family. It's like an organ transplant. I'm listening. Yeah. When your organ transplant rejects. Yeah, the body rejects it. It's nature.

Right. Nobody in your fucking immediate family is genetically related to you. So on a fucking genetic and natural level, you just don't relate to people, and it causes... I'm not saying you're wrong. Dissociative. Well, I'm not. I didn't come up with it. It's a fucking in the DSM-5.

That's only a thing that came up in my life when my mom and dad received a letter from my birth mom that it became a thing where I started to adopt. And it's the same as mental illness, though. It's not going to happen to everybody. Exactly. Adopted children don't always have this, but sometimes. I could totally see that. Like you said, you're rejecting your fucking host family. So we had a lot of issues with it.

You know, it was a difficult thing to go through. And she took that 23andMe test around Father's Day. This year. Happy Father's Day. And sent me the results back. And the top mother is Hispanic. And there's some African, you know, all stuff that we knew. Stuff on her face.

All stuff that we knew. She has the real African-y hair. And she doesn't have any of my features, which is what caused her to question this. All stuff that we knew. She has the real African-y hair. She doesn't have any of my features, which is what caused her to. You said that in the past. Yeah, like I said, it's not a total shock. Jokingly, but not jokingly. Listen, more so, I really did believe she was my daughter. I get the thing in the mail or in the text message, and it says,

The father, 51% European. And I said, European is white, I think. That's me. European. I looked down, and it says, Iberia. Iberia. And my ancestors are from Iberia. I looked it up, and it says Spain and Portugal.

I totally go, oh, shit. Yate, Yate, Ortigues. That's not me. What was funny was that immediately there was three people and it was other dudes that she had you know i've been had kids with before but there was three people that uh i you know kind of figured it probably was if it wasn't me all of them had methamphetamine addictions into up until recently and stuff so right, right. Again, she was probably not wrong in picking me, so I stopped doing it. I looked up one dude's surname.

Surname and his name. Spain and Portuguese. So, I told the texter, I said, call me. She's still texting me screenshots. The daughter or the mother? Oh, no. I don't know how to get a hold of her. The mother's in prison.

Oh, yeah. That's right. Yeah. So I don't know. Perfectly normal in a situation like this. Listen, I was a bit of a hoodlum in my younger days. So I tell her, call me. So she calls me up.

And I said, listen. I go, it's not me. I go, I'm sure you already know that. You figured it out. But what I wanted to ask you, I said, oh, no. I said, sorry that this happened. You know, I'm really sorry. You know, she'd been lied to her whole life.

And I said, I'm super sorry about this. I said, but do you think maybe your dad can take you to court on Friday? Because it's kind of an inconvenience for me. World Cup is on, you know, Spain, Portugal. This is just not even a week ago. Chad came and he was like giddy. Not in a happy way, but like, oh, fuck. I knew this the whole time.

I want to tell you. Wait a minute. He left here one night and he came back the next day, which he never does. Well, I had to come back and get my motorcycle. But you came back. But you usually come back, and no one even knows you were here. You came in, and we're like, you wanted a drink?

Well, I was alone. I texted Sam over and asked him if he was having a drink, because I wanted to tell. I was alone. I spent nine hours writing that sean rouse thing and was it jason he's yeah jason i'll write that next uh yeah i was writing that and i go you guys have bailed everyone's bailed i want someone to fucking put eyes on this and you wanted someone to tell your story too perfect so yeah we had a fucking wonderful night get my peanut butter and your

chocolate oh man it was uh well and i told stan i don't know if i'm uh i'm in your guys's uh club again i've one of the child free yeah one of the things that's weighed heavily on me is that i should have had the awareness even at a young age to not produce my my poison seed into another person that's a fucking that's like one of the most horrible offenses in the world so i carry to not produce my poisoned seed into another person. That's one of the most horrible offenses in the world, so I carry a lot of guilt with that. You're guilt-free? I feel really good.

Chad Shank, you are not the father. You actually did the other way. You raised this kid. That's a noble thing. That's what I tell her. She saved my life as much as I saved hers. I would have been dead or in prison. I was headed down a bad road. It's why I, you know, I'm not stupid.

I don't do stupid things if it's not in my best interest. I'll do stupid things, but I'm going to capitalize on it. Regardless of the fact that there's no blood relation, you will still continue to mentor her while she now goes to prison. It is true that she did get into some trouble and may have to go. Well, oh, here's the thing. Because she told me, she said, when I go, because here's the, all right, all right, another fucking. She said, if I have to go to prison, is it, or do you mind, this is before all of this. Who's saying this?

My daughter. Oh, okay. She got into a DUI accident, so she might have to do a little bit of time. We'll see. We're still going to court. But she said, if I have to go to prison, can I change my name? Would you mind if I change my name? Because I really don't want to go to prison

with the name Shank, because I'm going to have to defend myself against people. And I was like, no, I don't give a fuck. I think that's wise, actually. Can she wear one of your new Shank t-shirts in prison? Pick a neutral name. I don't know what to tell you but i don't care

that's to me that's yeah well a lot of one of the things it's gonna be iberian is uh nature versus nurture because she does think a lot like me but i don't know like when they said that she had that retract detachment disorder i looked it up and i was like oh it's like a sociopath kind of and i was like well that makes sense so i she isopath kind of. And I was like, well, that makes sense. She is a little bit me after all. Yeah, yeah. We've got a lot of things in common. She understands things. I'll tell her how to manipulate things.

I showed her how to cry on purpose. Onion or soap. No, no, just with... You clearly don't know how it works when you have no control over your emotions. All you got to do is just release control and you'll fucking cry immediately. You know, that is, that's interesting what you said as being adopted. My brother, my twin brother and I both adopted. And my parents, the parents who raised me, those are my parents.

I still go through a lot of things more than I ever thought. I still go through a lot of things more than I ever thought. Since I met my biological family, I now can delineate between what is actually something I learned from my parents growing up, right and wrong and all that, and then what is instinctive, which I get from – you met Uncle Bill. There's a creative side there. My mom is a very kind of a free spirit. I certainly haven't towed a nine-to-five job. I've been trying to show it to her in that light, too. But you can't be rigid about it. You have to understand it's always flowing.

Right. I try to just stay out of it at first. When I went over to visit my daughter, her mother had just gotten out of prison and I didn't know that. So she messaged her thinking she was going to be in prison for a few more months. And then she got out and got the message. And she said, I discovered that Chad Shank is not really my father. And so my daughter's sharing the text messages back. And she's like, oh, shit.

Dad, my mom is out of prison and saw the message. And I was like, what did she say? And she says she's scared, which I thought was funny because I do have a bit of a reputation in that town, in that area. So I thought, oh, fuck fuck i didn't think about that she is terrified that i'm gonna be you know oh retaliation well i'm gonna feel like i'm not you her to maybe her thinking so and then that's another nature versus nurture thing is because then my daughter is she's in the back seat and we're driving home and she's laughing and she goes i'm just gonna tell her that i don't know but he's just all pissed off saying shit about mine shafts and i'm going oh how are you not my daughter got your sense of you how are you not

my daughter you guys are related yeah so so uh come to find out i just talked to her on the phone i told her i'll tell you who did you talk to her mother i talked to her mother oh you did i did i told her i didn't want to at first i openly said did she ask you for dope she uh hey when they release when they release a prisoner aren't they supposed to notify the victims that'd be you right this all this has just come to light we'll see in the future things one of the one of the first jokes that i made when this happened to jenny was because the dude who i think is the the father i don't know at all but the but you knew him yeah yeah we went to school together it's a fucking town of 5 000 people or so i don't't know. It's Rinaldo from Portugal. So I said, oh, his dad just passed away the other day.

He's coming into insurance money. I'm going to hook up some child support money. Lightning crashes. The old father dies. Jenny, I usually, like, big eye looked at me like, you know, I'm just kidding. I wouldn't fucking do that. You should. Listen, again,

if I didn't know... We have a lot of gumps around here, but we don't have enough lawyers. If I was blindsided, if I was blindsided by this, I absolutely would. But again, I knew exactly what I was doing. You know all the emails I get? Yeah, we get gumps i will get hey i could i could i could uh work around the house and i'm a builder

we need more lawyers because just on this podcast alone we could be suing jeep we could be suing the guy who's selling the hope t-shirts and suing the fucking estate of her real father. That's the real theme of this podcast. We thought it was bad beats. We need a lawyer. A better call Saul that's not against living in the back room of a fucking Korean nail salon. We can make those accommodations happen.

To me, I'm not blood related to Jenny's boys, and it doesn't make any difference. I raised them since they were little. The same thing with her, except for I raised her since she was fucking from the hospital. So it's, you know, a little bit. So I don't give a fuck at all. It doesn't change anything about, you know.

And Jenny's boys, because I get a lot of tweets about this, Jenny's boys, they're grown. They're in their 20s now. Yeah, all my kids are grown now. So I'm getting a lot of outreach. Hey, is that Chad Shank's stepchildren that are stuck in that cave in Thailand? No, they're fine. It would be a lot easier for me because at least it would be somebody else's problem.

I think we should... Let's kill this. Yeah, yeah. I thought the theme was that I was wrongfully imprisoned with a family. But I like your theme better. Yeah, we don't. There's no theme of when this drops, I'll be in L.A. It's sold out.

I have one more update. Oh, go ahead. Yeah, after that whole thing with the ex, then me and the girlfriend broke up. I went back to the ex. She was under a lot of stress. And all of a sudden, she was pregnant. What?

Again? Again. And I was like, come on. We've done this before. And she had a lawyer call me. And it was a family member who's a lawyer. And I said, look, just so you know. He was a DJ.

Did he go, hey, you're being sued. You're being sued by Mercedes. That's not my real name. You're being sued by Laura. Whatever. Who named someone Corvette? Her older sister was a lawyer, and I go, look, I'm going to be honest with you. She's done this before, and this is probably more than likely.

You've been duped, and this is what's happening. And then she hung up, and that was it. And then right after that that i got a father's day card with a sonogram in the card and the lyrics to father of mine by everclear and a horse's head but the sonogram was like you could cut that from it there's no name on there even if there was i could put a name on a fucking sonogram me so when't look like me. So when's she coming to Bisbee? Well, her and my son. When is Tracy out and she's back in? Tracy, you need to go to the guest room.

We're trying to start a family. Yeah, stupid. So stupid. And yeah, that was, and then that was the end of that. But yeah, that's. One time, I think I was 17. I had a girlfriend tell me she was pregnant just to fuck with me but she was like afterwards like after a day or two or three of letting me believe it she goes i was just fucking with you like it wasn't a get back and i can't count the amount of times during a breakup a girl.

Oh, well, I'm pregnant. The stories are rampant. And also divorces where he was molesting our children doesn't come up until the lawyers get involved. And you go, all right, that's really fucked up. And I remember I was a really horrible fucking teenager. I was the worst. And when she told me, I was a really horrible fucking teenager I was the worst and when she told me I was just fucking with you I tried to I tried to stab her tires

but I couldn't get a knife I'm not a strong man so I couldn't get a knife to go through them so I took the pickaxe out of my dad's garage and then I'm wailing on them but it's bouncing right back more threatening me you're more prone to injury so I hit her hood a few times like like, why would you fuck with me?

I'm calling my mother, going, what do I do? And so, yeah, I don't have a good story. Are we too long? I have another good story that I just thought of. We're never too long. Hold on, hold on. Yours is going to be better than mine. I just want to say, I remember in the band days, we did a lot of banding.

And I remember the drummer at one point, we'd hook up and then we'd be with the friends. So we could all go to the same place. And then in the morning, I was like, get the fuck out of here. And then I remember a girl calling him and saying, I'm pregnant. And he goes, well, it's not mine. And she goes, wait a minute. He goes, look, I'm shooting blanks. I'm totally infertile. And he's not mine she goes wait a minute look I'm shooting blanks I'm totally infertile and he's not

and she never called back never a fucking never yeah she was busy telemarketing there's another lead on the desk you're making friends or you're making money all said and done I think that's true about me because I was irresponsible

all over the place from an early age. And this is the only thing that ever happened. You're the only one who had a phone. That could be it. The very first time I got laid as a child, I was 13 years old and lived in a trailer park. And down the road lived another family who was more irresponsible than my family. So I spent a lot of time there. And ended up hooking up with a 14-year-old girl that lived there.

How old were you? I was 13. But she was very vocal about how she was already experienced. And I was honest and said i was not experienced and so it was kind of a running joke she had brothers and they all had it was a bunch of uh you said that in the wrong way she had brothers and they had too easy with that she had brothers and they had girlfriends so there was like a whole group of people but it was i we were 13 and 14 and then uh the older brothers and his girlfriend were like 17 and 18 and then the older brother were like 22 and then so it was a but we

all hung out together the oldest brother bought us beer here's jimmy hendrix and finger banging so it was oh but first you talk about finger banging when i say the the parents were more irresponsible than mine, I can vividly remember driving in a vehicle, being a passenger in the front seat of a station wagon with her mom, bringing her mom home from some bar. And a dude is like three fingers deep in her mom, right up next to the back seat where I look over my shoulder. And there's literally a dude's hand down this woman's shorts,

finger banging them all. I was like, this is a fucking open family. This is cool. Wait, you were 13 and 14 driving a vehicle? No, no, I was a passenger in the front seat of the vehicle. Who was driving? The 17-year-old friend, the old member of the S2. I just imagined barely looking over.

I'm probably giving away way too many details in this story. Hey, this is kind of like the book that you're doing, which I just read, which is fucking phenomenal if you're like me. And you don't want that. It's just murder, murder, murder. But they introduce too many new names all the time of people who are getting murdered. And that's what...

Who's finger-banging who here? I've already forgotten the whole fucking point of story but i just remembered it so i i go i finally go in the back room of the trailer and uh this girl wants me to bang her and i do which takes all of eight seconds and then i don't know what to do because i'm 13 years old and i pull up my pants and go home i don't say a word i don't do anything else i just pull my pants and leave they. I don't say a word. I don't do anything else. I just pull up my pants and leave. They're calling me on the phone. And the older girlfriend, who's like 22, is going, so I heard you're not a virgin anymore.

And I was like, oh, wow, this is fucking, this is pretty crazy. I went back down to the house to spend the night because my family was dysfunctional too. So they let me go spend the night down there and I banged this girl again and then I broke up with her because I didn't again it was the equivalent of pulling up my pants and leaving. I didn't know how to do that. I just did it

on a bigger scale and was like I don't want to talk to you anymore. And she told her mom she was pregnant. So I'm 13 years old, and her mom calls my mom, and we all have to go out. And your mom says, you got any dope? We all have to. You're the meth guy, right?

No, my mom was into meth. Sorry, I'm confusing moms. My mom was into meth. So we all had to go out and eat Mexican food together while we discussed the implications and what would happen. I thought that's how you get rid of a pregnancy. You eat Mexican food together. It worked because she turned out to not be pregnant.

She just fucking didn't know how to react because I didn't know how to react. I just said, I'm done. I'm 14. I'm hitting that age where I'm getting fat. I assumed it was pregnancy. Yeah, I just realized you can wash out that whole last thing I said to it wasn't funny. No, it's good. Okay, it's up to you. I don't care if you leave it in, but

I don't seem like it's I got a thank you before you wrap up. We got a bottle of tequila, ghost tequila. Oh, shit. I hid it back behind the Campari so no one looks back there. When you ask me if we have any thank yous, I go, none that I remember. I'm sure I get some cards and postcards.

I want to say thank you to Fanny Co. out of New York. They sent us a bottle of ghost tequila. Thank you very much. Beautiful. I'm sure we'll They sent us a bottle of ghost tequila. Thank you very much. Beautiful. I'm sure we'll be hitting that, and then I'll be hitting the road. By the time you hear this, I will be in L.A. at the Comedy Store, sold out, and then I'll be at the Sony Music Hall this weekend. No, it's on the 14th and the 15th of July. The same night as Skankfest.

This year, 2018, if you're just catching up on the podcast and binging. And bingo's gonna be on all of these dates, so don't haunt her in a corner when you're drunk. She's coming out. She doesn't like

to come out when she has to be haunted. Don't ask her a lot of questions. Just say nice things. I'm hiding low. Yeah, I know. I'll be staying at the click. Hey, let's play this out with some Billie Jean. It's not my child or daughter.

I don't know the fucking lyrics. Billie Jean, goodbye. She was more like the beauty queen from a movie scene. I said, if you don't mind, what do you mean? Well, I am the one who would dance on the floor around. She told me her name was Billie Jean and she caused a scene. Then every head turned with the eyes that dreamed of being the one Who would dance all around People always told me be careful what you do

Don't go around breaking young girls' hearts She came up. Right by me. The smell of sweet perfume. This happened much too soon. She called me to a room. Oh, Billie Jean is not my lover.

She's just a girl that claims that I am the one. But the kid is not my son She says I am the one But the kid is not my son Billie Jean is not my lover Billie Jean is not my lover. Billie Jean is not my lover. Billie Jean is not my lover. Billie Jean is not my lover.

Billie Jean is not my lover. Billie Jean is not my lover. Billie Jean. Villaging is not my love, love. Villaging.