The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #267: The Men Are Talking Podcast

Episode Date: July 18, 2018

Doug takes over the World Famous Comedy Store's podcast studio with Brian Hennigan, Brett Erickson, India Pearl and Ggreg Chaille. Shhh, The Men Are Talking.Recorded July 10th, 2018 at the World Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, CA with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), Brett Erickson (@IBrettMyPants), India Pearl (@NantucketHseWif), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced by Erickson, edited by Chaille. Get on the Mailing List at [www.dougstanhope.com](www.dougstanhope.com). This episode is sponsored bySTANHOPE MERCH - NEW! Chad Shank T-Shirts, “Popov Vodka Presents” VHS Tapes and the NEW KILLER TERMITES T-Shirt now available at [http://www.DougStanhope.com/store](http://www.DougStanhope.com/store)LINKS:COVERT Podcast - [https://audioboom.com/channel/covert](https://audioboom.com/channel/covert)Soccer Marmalade Podcast - [https://player.fm/series/soccer-marmaladethe-podcast](https://player.fm/series/soccer-marmaladethe-podcast)“Failure Is An Option: An Attempted Memoir” by H. Jon Benjamin - [https://amzn.to/2mpnCQg](https://amzn.to/2mpnCQg)Chad Shank Voice Over info at [http://www.AudioShank.com](http://www.AudioShank.com)Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. I'm not going to a musical instrument oh are we doing the segment with the Collins are we recording you can't tell me that we're recording after the I've already said too much hey we're at the world famous comedy store

you can come in and out just because it looks professional doesn't mean it is yeah you guys can come in and out. Just because it looks professional doesn't mean it is. If no one's coming in, we can just leave that door open. Yeah. Yeah. You guys can filter in. Not having ambient noise is more disturbing.

This is the men are talking podcast because all of our gal pals are here. You have a stand in with India Pearl. But yeah, none of them want to talk on the podcast. So let's make it our idea. Yeah. Pearl, but yeah, none of them want to talk on the podcast, so let's make it our idea. And as we were mentioning earlier, in respect to Sean Rouse,

he was, for both of us, the first person... How do you get a fucking cell phone reception? We've made some improvements. Morgan Murphy. Nobody tell her that I just dismissed her call call because she doesn't listen to my podcast. It's like a World Series of Poker player who doesn't watch the final result where he's like, he bluffed me out with a fucking seven and a two.

Oh, shit. I just realized they can see that. Yeah. Now they see it. No, because the whole thing is them like they don't turn the cards over and they do it. Then they could. Oh man. No wonder you guys watch that.

Yeah. That makes sense. In case we ever play Phil Hellmuth for the championship. Anyway, go ahead. Sean Rose. How dare I? No, it's totally anyway sean rouse yeah how dare i no it's all right uh sean rouse is the first person that i'd ever heard use that phrase quiet men are talking and apparently same for you

and in the same place yes edinburgh 2006 honey honey shush men are talking. And then that, like I heard it all the time later on, like Brendan Walsh with Bromance. He's the first guy I heard use Bromance. Really? Yeah, 12 years ago. I mean, everything has to start somewhere. And Fat Upper Dick Area. The FUDA, which is, you know,

there's a play on the, whatever the ladies version was. The Gunt. FUPA. Oh, FUDA, which is a play on whatever the ladies version was. Gunt. The Gunt. FUPA. Oh, FUPA. Yeah, but it was Gunt first. I'm always surprised more people. The thing that you say that I thought would become more used is, please hold.

Oh, I stole that from- An operator No Captain Rowdy's wife Kimmy Did you ever meet Kimmy No I never did She's an adorable one

She lived for Disney World I think she's working there Still for decades And she would always do that When someone called for Rowdy Please hold Oh yeah So I absolutely stole that From him and she would always do that when someone called for Rowdy. Please hold. Oh, yeah.

So I absolutely stole that from him, from her, from an operator. So we are at the... In the belly of the beast. The world famous comedy store. Yeah, Rogan's going to be here. There's roast battle tonight, which I don't know if I'm going to stay awake for. Morgan Murphy's here. Yeah yeah she's obviously here yeah she's on the marquee yeah and so is rogan because you're gonna i don't know what she's doing but he's doing roast battle and uh is he a judge on

that tonight wow i don't know you invited me to be a judge. I invited you and you refused. I said, I don't think I can stay awake. Don't talk off mic, ladies. If you fucking want to talk. Joe's not listed as one of the judges. It's the Sklar brothers and Sean White and some other people. India Pearl, you want me to break the bad news to her today? I mean, right now. What?

Well, if I had better management, this is the Scotsman here. to her today? I mean, right now? What? Well, if I had better management, this Scotsman here, you know, Brian Hennigan, have you met before? Yeah, we've met a couple times. Why don't you introduce the table? Brian Hennigan was supposed to book my openers for Wednesday, Thursday

here at the Comedy Store, and he got Brendan Walsh make sure he was in town he's flying back from Amsterdam and then I told him the other one and he did not reach out to you thankfully because he confused

you I said well can you get a hold of Olivia Grace and he thought India Pearl and Olivia Grace they kind of alliterate similarly. Yes. So yeah, you were going to be opening for me. If I'd been a better manager, you'd be opening for Doug tomorrow night.

Thankfully, I'm not. Yeah. I will never forgive you. Well, you should change your name to Olivia Grace. I know. With a weird Sade spelling. If there's mentioning that we do have

Brett Erickson here Erickson runs this fucking joint yeah we're using their equipment so is this a swap cast

I don't know how it works oh wow because the comedy store here explain it Brett well the comedy store has a podcast studio

in their basement now so we podcast all the time which like their public toilets anyone can use Explain it, Brett. Well, the Comedy Store has a podcast studio in their basement now. So we podcast all the time. Which, like their public toilets, anyone can use. Yeah, well, as long as you're homeless, yeah, you're invited in. So, yeah, we record tons of podcasts here. So it's not really a slot. Does the Comedy Store still have their own podcast that we did through some fuzzy memory? Rick Ingram and Eleanor Kerrigan.

Yeah, yeah. It was all bare drywall. It may have even been a door on sawhorses. It was really very, they had just like broken the wall and brought equipment in. The thing is that they said it was like Polly's unsold T-shirts and shit down there. That was not me saying that. That was a guy that works here. Oh, really?

The important thing is that Brett Erickson is now the Mr. Big of the operation. He's the king rat. Yep. He's the Greg Chaley of this joint. Yeah. Oh, it's much bigger than that. Much bigger. Slap swords, kids.

Slap swords, kids. Slap swords. If I had one third of the knowledge Shaley has, I would be comfortable. You'd have almost a third of knowledge. But you seem to have the 100% of the beard that every other comic manager, everyone else I see. Things have really started happening for me since the beard came in. Trivial Hursuit.

I just read that word in a book and I still don't know what it means. But it's funny because it's familiar. What word? Hursuit. It was in H. John Benjamin's book that I read yesterday I don't think I've ever heard

that one can you tell me what it means no I just said hairy hair suit hairy a B minus on the SATs and I still have no idea what that meant nope H.I.R.S.U.T.E having a lot of hair like a wool sweater no like having a lot-T-E Having a lot of hair Like a wool sweater

No, like having a lot of hair Like having a lot of hair Having a lot of hair is hair shoot Just show them your back That way they can notice the word by the picture Like a McDonald's I want that I want the number three

Hold on, Tracy, what does hair suit mean? Hair suit means hairy Wow Doesn't hairy mean hairy? I want the number three. Anyway. Hold on. Tracy, what does hair suit mean? Hair suit means hairy. Wow. Doesn't hairy mean hairy? Wait, hair suitism is like a syndrome? Yeah, but it didn't make the joke work any better. Jesus, why are you belaboring this?

He had a joke where hair suit worked. Oh. Hairy wouldn't have worked. Yeah. Trivial hairy? I don't think so. I like it. I don't want to start this.

I'd rather talk about you. I got here. I got to L.A. Some problems. Hold on. We dropped you off in Tucson, and then we drove to stay in Palm Springs and then all shipments An hour out of Bisbee it's about two hours to the airport an hour out

I realize I don't have my phone Did you say foam? He didn't even do it right I know It's a Brendan Walsh old thing Hey I can't find my phone He didn't even do it right. I know. It's a Brendan Walsh old thing. Hey, I can't find my phone. You seen my phone?

Did you say phone or foam? Oh, you have to do the both? Yeah. And he would do that to the point anytime someone said, Hey, have you seen my phone? You go, oh, fuck, that's in my head. This is sticking i was watching a phillies game the other day because i bet baseball now i wish fucking walsh bets baseball and they they put home run with the logo of the phillies in front of the home so it looked like foam run. P-H-O-M-E. Foam run.

You motherfucker. That stuck in my head for what, 15 years now? He was doing that? Yeah, I lost my I forgot my phone at home, which you know what? Hey, fuck you. An hour away. How long would it go before you

noticed your phone not phone missing? Everyone else is clicking away. I wouldn't have made it out of the neighborhood. Chaley's driving, clicking away on his phone. Were you driving? No, I wasn't. But see, I drive, so I've got ways just to check for cops. Yeah, I would notice as soon as I get in the car.

Yes, but you like when somebody else is driving from Bisbee because it gives you the chance to stare at the window. Well, no. When he's driving, his phone is from Bisbee because it gives you the chance to stare at the window. Well, no, when he's driving, his phone is the most important because that's what we listen to. Oh, hang on. Let me plug this quick because it's fucking great. What's it called? Covert.

Covert. This podcast. And they're like hour-long episodes of covert shit. of covert shit. This was about in Sierra Leone where these British officers were taken hostage and the British SAS had to come in on this, it was called Operation...

Certain Death. Certain Death. Part one and two. I had to pause it and then we had to gamble, of course. Is there going to be any death in Operation Certain Death? And I went, it seems like no.

And he went, nah, probably one guy. He hit it accurately. Wow, okay. Like the most beloved dude on SAS. But only one guy. He picked one guy. So, yeah, his phone is the most important. Hold on.

Covert is on Audioboom. We don't have a fucking sponsorship. We've sponsored them, but I'm just saying this. But they're our server. Oh, all right. Our company is Audioboom. Oh, Audioboom. They help us out with all this.

I don't know nothing. Covert is it. I know. Once I had to talk about Covert, we listened to a few minutes. I go, okay, I could sell it. Then we actually listened. It's fucking great. It's good.

You almost started that Mumbai episode. And I go, no, because you're going to drop me off in 20 minutes. And I'm going to sit there wondering for a week until you pick me back up. But after New York, the second one will drop. And I pick you up. And we drive back to business. There we go. Continue on.

All right. So you've forgotten your phone. Yeah. So I'm going to call the gumps. Did you say phone or phone? Oh, Christ. Hairsuit. Hairsuit?

Oh, I guess it's obvious what a hairsuit is. You live in one. Show your back, Hannigan. This doesn't have video yet. There's no point just looking at me. There it does. It's rolling. Oh, really? You don't remind me. There's a camera right there.

Don't remind me of that. I forget my phone. We came up a day early to stay overnight at the airport, so I call the Gumps, hire them to drive my phone up. Yeah, we have Gumps. They do Gump work. One day you'll have Gumps

in the apparel. They're like Epsilons. I can only hope. Yeah, they have nothing to do, and they have no ambition, and they live next door to us in a trailer or camper. Well, no. They slum it around. They leave their vehicles elsewhere, and they live at another house. Sometimes.

Yeah. So they drive the phone up. The next day, I bring a bag because I'm going back to stay over at the same airport hotel that I stay in on the way out. And I bring a bag full of booze to have a bar at the pool at the airport with my wet swimming trunks and I go I'm going to leave this bag because I'm coming back in a week to the same hotel so I can leave this bag I can't travel with

big giant bottles of booze you had a handle of vodka you had big bottles and I'm like and mixers and everything you ought to have seen our UK tour fucking packaging so I go I'm going to leave this bag and then I said Yeah, and mixers and everything. You can't. You ought to have seen our UK tour fucking packaging. So I go, I'm going to leave this bag. And then I said, because I stay there often enough, but if there's a new person, they might say, no, you can't leave your bag here.

You weren't going to leave this bag full of half-empty now booze in the room, get to the airport from the shuttle, and then call and say, hey, I left my bag, but I'll be back in a week. Yeah, because then they can't say no. Exactly. You're also testing your juice. And I also have one bottle of whiskey and one bottle of vodka, so I wrapped them in a pool towel so they wouldn't clank together and bust when the

clumsy guy from Lost and Found fucks it up. So they either figured it was a plant or you tried to steal towels? That's the problem. Oh no. So I go to the airport. I leave the bag. I go, bingo, don't let me forget to call the hotel until I, quote, quote, left my bag.

And we're at the bar. And, oh, no, we just checked in. And then I went out to smoke a cigarette before we go through security. And I go, fuck, where's my backpack? I left my backpack in the room beside the green bag that I was going to pretend to leave. That's a good thing you called. Then I had to call and explain to her,

we're literally walking distance from the hotel if it wasn't 117 degrees in Tucson Arizona so I just called and I said hey listen I left my bag in the room can you have the shuttle driver just bring it over rather than send the shuttle driver to me to make it a double trip. Just have him send my red backpack because the green bag, and then I had to explain how I was going to leave that as a goof. And then I realized, oh, there's stolen hotel towels in there that I wasn't going to take. I was going to leave them behind.

And you have to expose the entire plan. in there that I wasn't going to take. I was going to leave them behind. And... You have to expose the entire plan. I'm saying I wrote a Curb Your Enthusiasm script. They're going to think I stole the towels. I wasn't stealing the towels. I just wanted to leave a bag.

What's wrong with that? I was using the towels to fool you guys. Nobody believes that those episodes are based on real life, but it's things like that that make it into the show. Oh, that was another curb beat. Yeah. That was

where I had wrapped the bottle so they wouldn't bust together, but Bingo's friend Kelly came by that morning, and we're drinking right up until we have to go to the airport, and she takes the bottle of vodka. So you go, oh, I didn't want the bottles to crash together. Oh, there's only one bottle in there, sir.

This is going to crash into your wet jock strap. your wet jockstrap? God, it would be so easy to write bad comedy if your life was as boring as mine is right now. You only have four gigs left. Yeah. And how many

more games of the World Cup here I go I know but what about the isn't this a many been evergreen yeah but this goes out next week when he's in well he's finishing up New York it'll be

decided then yeah be a World Cup champion They'll be celebrating in Shakhtar What? Is that where Don't ask Is that fucking where Croatia lives? Is that where Croatia lives? He said don't ask

That's all we need Yeah the Croatia should win Hopefully Well now that I'm out I don't give a fuck oh look at the cynicism who are you

oh I have England in a pool yeah no you had England and I'm Croatia this is what's left is Croatia

England France is definitely in the final and now it's so I fucking hate France. Just everything about it disgusts me. Starting with the language.

You got pretty good bread. I'm also against England because I stand with Hennigan. It is great to see. Over France, yeah. Fuck yeah. I'm all England if it comes to France, England. It's so interesting that you hate England so much,

yet some of the English players play for your beloved Manchester United. So you cheer for them. This is why I wind this up while I have to go get a piss. Because they are honorary normal people when they're playing for Manchester United. Because Manchester United is in effect a Scottish club. Oh, right, because it's in Manchester.

No, because it was basically created by Matt Busby and Alex Ferguson. Are we inserting a little soccer marmalade here? This is basically a trailer to an enormous announcement. Check out Covert and perhaps soccer marmalade? This is basically a trailer to an enormous announcement. Check out Covert and perhaps Soccer Marmalade. You guys were talking about that last night.

I was like, are they making up? We're going to bring it back. Are we putting Sam and Diane back together? Is that what's happening here? Maybe more coming wide. I look more like Kirstie now than Diane. Yeah, soccer marmalade is going to come

back. Yeah. For real? We're talking about it. Here's the thing. So much demand. Here's the difference. Here's the difference is that Hennigan is adamant that we keep the name soccer marmalade. Of course. I love it. I can't wait to do a t-shirt for it. And I want to change the name no come on did you say phone how about this for a name for a soccer podcast because this is a soccer term

this is what they call a person who just hangs around in front of the goal trying to poach a goal is that called a goalie goalie? No. No, that's the defender. Is it Sokker Tapenad? Yeah. A player who does that is said to be loitering with intent. And that would be a good name for a podcast. You'll put the appropriate crickets there, wouldn't you? Well, now I guarantee you

some lazy podcaster will use that name. Exactly. Yeah, you've just ruined it for yourself. Oh, no, you're here. Lazy podcaster. That hurts. Oh! That hurts.

That hurt me. Ow! Anyway, the main thing is the fan can rejoice jubilantly. The fan? The fan. Maybe we should ask the fan if the fan wants the name to change. Fan don't know.

Fuck the fan. You can't listen to the fan. That was a trick to see if this was actually Brian Hannigan. Yeah. If he wanted to go to the fan, I would say this is not.

Pull off the mask. This is a fake Hannigan. So are the episodes still available? Oh, yeah. They're still out? I think I'm still playing premium double plus subscriptions so I can do lots of content analysis on where it's being downloaded. I noticed that on my credit card statement.

Oh, you still have that? I'm still paying Podbean for the Brechel podcast that never went out once. Never went out once. So controversial. It never aired. Job creators, man. You guys are doing it.

It's our relationship or the podcast. Good. I just met some fans in the toilet. They have new toilets here at the Comedy Store. Was this a period? I know we don't have an ad break in this special, but hey, Comedy Store, they have new toilets

in the back there. Like, it used to be just a single toilet that was unisex. Right by the door. Yeah, Coke toilet at One Cedar, where if they are doing coke in there and you really have to piss, you're gonna have to wait till they're done doing coke and possibly fucking depending on the quality of the coke.

Now it's the actual men's and ladies with the fucking three urinals and two dudes that know you and want to talk to you. And one of them says his last name is Stan Hope. And I go, I need to see ID. But I just got these guys talking about soccer so I could come up and piss quickly and I don't have time and I don, I need to see ID, but I just got these guys talking about soccer so I could come up and piss quickly, and I don't have time, and I don't care. Marshall Stanhope, here's to you. What were we talking about?

Marshall? That's what he said. He said his name is Marshall Stanhope, and he's lied to people forever that we're cousins. Are the toilet seats still black? This is a urinal, Tony. Not now. Men are talking. No, no is a urinal, Tony. Not now. Men are talking.

No, no, no. I have a theory that all the toilets in this place are black because you can see your Coke line better on the toilet seat. Have you ever done Coke? No. Not on a toilet seat. I was going to say, that was the follow-up question. I thought you were going to say they felt they were all black

because they had to stay down during the national anthem. Oh! And I got crickets for my loitering with intent. Oh, no, change the put in thunderous applause. You're pushing the button now. Yeah. If you did coke off of a toilet

where you had to use the toilet seat, that means you're in an establishment where there's no toilet tank as an option. Like someone removed the lid off the toilet tank. I used to do the coke up here, but now we're down to the seat. We take the tank lid off so no one can hide a gun in there. Yeah.

That's like the kind of place where like the walls, there used to be wall underneath, but now it's just magazine cutouts and Sharpie. Like the toilet tank is definitely gone. Yeah, that's a really disgusting place. No, no one does it on a toilet seat, India. All right. Yeah. Look, I watch a lot of HBO.

You're using the wrong part of the toilet. Apparently, HBO seems to think that people do a lot of using the wrong part of the toilet. HBO seems to think that people do a lot of coke on toilet seats. This was not my knowledge. You mean Marshall

stand up like Marshall's the store. I was thinking Marshall like the French soccer player. Hey maybe we should pretend to take a break.

Maybe. Then I'll look at each other and go who's talking about what here. See. Yes. Someone look at each other and go, who's talking about what here? See, someone look at your watch. This is supposed to be a short podcast. I have shit to do.

Oh shit, I didn't set a timer when we started. I have to do two full shows on the Wednesday-Thursday here, and then I have to do seven shows at once by doing Joe Rogan's podcast. And then get to New

York where we still have tickets left. Wait, no. By the time this airs now. Fuck you. It was sold out. It's over. After I sold out. You missed it, losers. By the time this is. Well, yeah, after I do Joe Rogan's podcast, the few tickets I have left in New York, but Skank Fest is going on.

And I remember thinking I was going to die doing Skank Fest during promotion. We're promoting a book or something. Two years ago. At least two years ago. And it was just chaos. And we left early. And I've read stories about Skankfest

is trying to one-up itself like the Desert Party used to do. And it's getting fucking weird. And I can't do this, that. My New York shows, Skankfest, even for fun, and Rogan, and not die. Wait, is Skankfest in New York shows, Skankfest, even for fun.

Wait, Skankfest is Rogan and not I. Wait, is Skankfest in New York City? Yeah, it's in Brooklyn. In Brooklyn. It's all like in the scene. It's during your shows, though. I mean, you would have to. Well, it's Thursday.

It'll go on after my shows. It'll go on like the desert party. Oh, okay. You go, oh, the desert party. Do you? Oh, I have my show then. I have to do an hour and a half. I'm playing stovepipe wells.

I'm going to miss everything. No, that shit seems to go on. I should have asked Ari more about it last night. That's Big Jay Oakerson and Dan Soder from the Bonfire. They talk about it. Yeah, I think it was in Terra Bang where I was looking where they just released like a hundred

comedians are gonna be there in the three four days it starts but they haven't released a schedule of shows because it's that close it's like the desert party where yeah these people are gonna be there it's gonna be fucked up

there's three or four stages and they do some weird shit ari i remember reading stories about ari last year stuff i wouldn't do in my in my heyday i'm like all right i think there was blood and fucking maybe feces or vomit or i don't know. There was a line I remember reading where I go, yeah, I probably wouldn't have crossed that line, but the line hadn't been drawn, so I didn't need to. That's the most important part. Yeah, just pee is enough. Well, Ari and you had kind of a little... Yeah, it was just pee.

Tip for tap in All Things Comedy podcast festival. Yeah, I think I peed on them. I would say I drew my... All Things Comedy podcast festival. Yeah, I think I peed on them. Yeah. That's another thing with the skank fest, and it's a terror that I've repeated, but I don't think people...

I read the 100 comic lineup, and I'm like, all right, I know that name, but I don't know if I know that person or if I've just heard that person's name. And when I get into a social situation like that where do I know that person or if I've just heard that person's name. And when I get into a social situation like that, where do I know you or do I just know of you? Did I pee on you?

Did I pee on you? Oh, Danish and O'Neill. I'm sure we met Danish and O'Neill. At the All Things Comedy. Yeah, the All Things Podfest. I think they were at Skyfest. Oh, I'm sure I didn't meet him until. No, no.

Not until All Things Comedy. Because we had just listened to him on Chrysler's podcast. But for a second. The marathon. When I was reading that this morning in bed, I'm like, I'm sure I met them. But what if I'm wrong? What if I'm wrong? We were really fucked up.

And I peed on Ari Shaffir. And if I pee on Ari Shaffir, that means I'm too drunk to remember the details of whether I met new folks. And it's a panic situation of do I look like a fucking like I can't wait to morph into like the Bukowski I want to be. If I'm maybe I'm already there where people just know he's not going to remember you. He doesn't. I remember reading a Bukowski biography where they prefaced it the biographer saying

understand at this point in his life he his his memories not clear and so you know this is to the best of his yeah I want to be that guy where they go hey hey old Mr. Stanhope

Jägermeister maybe you should keep a piss journal I wouldn't trust you that's the dream is to have an excuse to not remember people that's like see like my name's India so like everybody's That's the dream is to have an excuse to not remember people. That's like, see, like, my name's India, so, like, everybody's grandmother since the third grade

has remembered who the fuck I am, and I am terrible with names. And I used to work at Flapper, so I used to see hundreds of comics a week, and, like, I just, I never remember anybody, and they always remember me. Yeah, except for the guy that was going to book you for tomorrow night. India, Pearl, Olivia, Grace.

Yeah. You get to a certain age and you're not close to it. It's a good try. All right. Yeah. All your teachers remember you no like people I went to school with

people I used to work with boring people I never know boring people whatever give me another example I'll say boring people well comic

like most comics in LA boring people boring people alright whatever no I'm not saying you're boring I'm saying India's not that yeah no i'm just saying

like i get the anxiety because i feel like an asshole have you read h uh john benjamin's book it's called it's a great title failure is an option yes yeah you just started that and then i saw it was there something twitter between you two going on last night? Oh, no. We went to the same high school a year apart. Really? What? Except I quit.

Yeah, he went to Doherty. How did I not know that? That's hilarious. Yeah, and he talks about all this Worcester shit where I tweeted that. I said, I'm so glad H. John Benjamin, who I don't know, again, I have a memory of maybe talking to him for a second somewhere or that might have been a

dream or an imagination. So I don't know if I know him, but he's talking about growing up in Worcester where we grew up. And it's like, I'm just, I tweeted, if he was sitting next to me, I would so annoy him with my own stories of Worcester. And there's even like specific names.

You get into a, well, you wouldn't, you're too young to remember the Dream Machine Arcade. It was the video arcade, the Worcester Galleria. Okay, yeah, yeah. I know the gallery. Yeah, we would. I remember some fucking bullies. He's talking about being beaten up there. And I go, in 1982, I go, that could have been me,

but I always lost all my fights too. But I remember some punk kids when I was smoking cigarettes. You could smoke in the mall back then. I was smoking outside the Dream Machine, and some fucking 16-year-old punks came up and said, hey, can I get a drag of that? And I said, sure. And they took it.

And then they fucking stomped it out in front of me. And I couldn't do anything about it. I was fucking still. I still. That still burns? Yeah. Fuck yeah, it burns. It's the fucking man's me too.

You don't fucking get over that shit just because you're 50. You remember when you couldn't fight back. We were at an arcade me and BBJ who's a guy that we ran around in high school with and we were leaving the arcade.

First be his best. The rest spells itself out. We were leaving the arcade and some guys were crossing into the arcade, like across the street. I got my dots in 510, and they did that, like, oh, slow down, guys, and reached in and fucking punched BBJ right in the face as we're leaving. I stepped on it, but I had this horrible engine leak, like oil leak. So I just belched out a bunch of smoke, and we just kind of put it away, like oil leak. So I just belched out a bunch of smoke,

and we just kind of put it away, like limping. And I go, fuck, man. He goes, go to my house, go to my house. And he goes up, and he grabs a gun from the closet. And he goes, we're going back there. It's a pellet gun. But we go by, and I go, so what do we do? And he goes, just drive by.

And we drive by, and then I do this step on it once again. It's just a belching sound. And I do this weird big circle. And right when we go by, he's out the window with the pellet going, motherfuckers! But there's not even a tink, tink, tink. It's not even loaded. There's nothing in it.

And I'm like, what was the point? Those guys are gone or they're playing Q-Bert. They're not, there's no one here. And it was just, it still burns me because it's, you're 50, I'm 52. And you still, those are the things I think. I don't think about. But they weren't still there?

They didn't even see you guys drive by? Who the fuck knows? I couldn't even ID the guy. It was smoke everywhere. Yeah, no, like you're like hunting down some idiots in John Candy's car from Uncle Buck. Listen, we have to do these things as men to prove that we can't get put over. When I was 18 and I moved to Hollywood to be an actor, that girlfriend, Dragon, was her name on the back of my moped.

I just bought the same moped, by the way, that I owned in 1985 in Hollywood. Someone was selling one on Craigslist and Bisbee, so I bought it, and it's just sitting there doing nothing because I don't want to ride it. But it's one of those, yeah, for 500 bucks, I'll chase a memory. Yes. And I had her on the back on Sunset Boulevard East, past on the other side of La Brea, going down towards that Denny's. And I'm in the side lane at a red light. And as soon as it turned green,

the people that were beside us, a couple of dudes staring at us, giving me shit, mock. And as soon as it turned green, it started going. They go, something probably faggot. And then tossed an entire, like, big gulp. Yeah, Sprite.

I knew it was Sprite. Like, I could taste it right in my fucking face. The thing it has pedals on it. You have to give it a go. And it was so weak like just alone to go up a hill you would have to help by pedaling Pedal assist. And so with her

on the back she had a decent sized keister that slowed down like dripping with fucking 44 ounces. Sound sounded like the moped was crying fuck you too late they can't hear you yeah that's some fucking me too shit that sticks with with you. That's why fucking people die in hells of gunfire years later. What was the catalyst?

Was it his job at the post office? No. No. This is like 30 years ago shit. Was it some deep state conspiracy? Manchurian candidature. He got too close to the truth. Guy threw a Sprite in my face in the 80s.

Sprite, dude. He did it for Sprite. There's so many people I would love to track down from my youth that you just can't find. All I remember was her nickname was Dragon. I have pictures of her, but she doesn't look like she looked in 1985. A, because she's aged. B, she's aged like a woman. Who's named Dragon?

I bet she still has a sizable keister. Yeah, was it D-R-A-G-G-I-N? Dragon. Blah, blah, blah. She lived in North Hollywood, and I would have to drive her up Highland to the last bus stop because you can't get over the fucking Hollywood Hills on a push. No, not unless you're gonna go through like

Pedal helped Pedal assist That's what I was looking for Yeah, there's no way I would ever find her and I'm never gonna be famous enough for her to go, I think I fucked that guy in the 80s He liked Sprite

Yeah Were you actually going to the Denny's? He liked Sprite. Yeah. Were you actually going to the Denny's? Maybe. I don't know. I just remember there was a Denny's down that way. I have other weird memories that I've... Yeah.

Is she like one of the top three that you'd want to contact? No. You've talked about this. Oh, no. There's a million people. I you'd want to contact? No. You talked about this. Oh, no. There's a million people. I don't want to contact you. I want the ones that I don't even remember to contact me. Oh. And, you know, hey, remember whatever.

And fill your brain with some random memory of, like, something incredible that you probably did. That's how you wrote the book. That's a lot of stuff you would never remember unless someone brought it up and you're like holy shit we did do that yeah do you have a lawyer i need a lawyer oh why don't we take a break and get some drinks why i don't i don't know if we need a break oh i don't know i didn't i didn't check time. About half time?

Half an hour. Really? No, I bet it's 37 minutes. I'm going 37. I'm going 48. What's that? It's about 41, but I started it recording before we were even close. All right. So 37 probably is actually short.

On the nose. Let's just wrap, that's 37 probably of actual show. On the nose. Let's just wrap this up. The Men Are Talking podcast. India Pearl's here. India Pearl piping in with bullshit. You'll never forget her.

Well, how long, how long have you been? I want to, I want, do you have any awful Hollywood stories since you are,

you're basically my kid. Okay. Yeah. Your, your mother was my first girlfriend and now you're basically my kid. Okay, yeah. Your mother was my first girlfriend, and now you're here doing stand-up comedy. Yep. And you've been here, what, two, three years? Four years.

Four years. Yeah. Do you have any wretched stories of having sprites thrown on you? Having sprites thrown on me. Do you have a Me Too story yet? Yeah, well, kind of. I don't want to waste material. I want to darken up the mood, but

I did when I first... Darken up the mood! When I first moved out to LA, I was just trying to get advice from any comics that I had met. And I met this guy. He was like 40.

And I won't say his name because I don't want to like whatever. Well, first of all, you've already shunned us by acting like 40 is way too old. No, no, no, no. No, I'm just saying. It's crushed all our boners. Anyway, so I met this guy. He was a comic. And I met him at the improv and i and he was really

funny and i introduced myself and i was like hey like i'd love to just take you out for coffee and like talk to you about comedy and whatever because i'm new to town and he's like you said i said this to him so and he's like all right cool hang cool. Hang on. I was going to suggest that we don't have pens, but we can play honest poker. You all write down in your head and then write it with your hand, even though we're not on video. Or yes, I guess we are. But yeah, fake write it on your hand who you think this comedian is or you know what we're not gonna know who it is because we don't know anyone that young that's the sad part but just like who the comic that you're thinking of doing this that's it it's not a it's not a wager but think of the

comedian that you comes to mind when you hear the pitch that we're about to hear. Go ahead. So he'd never seen me perform, and instead of taking the coffee date, he's like, not date, but whatever you'd call it, he's like, yeah, do you want to, I actually, most of the time I'm living in San Diego, I'm at the Comedy Palace next month. Do you want to open for me? And I was like, sure. And I'm thinking it's going to be great.

And he's like, oh, yeah, I have a guest room at my apartment. You can just stay in my apartment. And I'm so stupid. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. This sounds totally normal and fine. And I went down there. I was going to do two nights opening for him. And the first night night we get back

to his apartment he'd been kind of like drinking a bit and he starts like coming on to me and i was like oh shit i'm alone in a city that i don't know anybody and i've been drinking and here's and i'm like in this guy's apartment and now he like expects that i'm gonna sleep with him and i'm like oh this is kind of like maybe like my fault, though. Like, but I just didn't know what to do. So I and like, yeah, this is. But I hooked up with him because I didn't want it to go bad. I was scared. Did he pay you?

No, but he let me open for him the rest of the weekend. No, for the opening for the weekend. Like, did he? I think so. All right. I don't remember. It was years ago. did he? I think so. All right. I don't remember. It was years ago. I think he did.

Yeah. All right. But I still, I always felt, like, really weird about it. I was like, if I had said no, like, would it have gone, like, wrong? Like, would something horrible have happened? Okay. Let me share this with you. I was doing a gig one nighter in my youth thief river falls okay minnesota

shit small town and it's one of those where you do they do comedy early and then it turns into a dance club and so there's a girl that had been at the show and now it's all dance clubby shitty awful no and she had a lot of accoutrements and a hat and a thing and she looked very hot and we're in a the one of those gigs where the hotel is part so you just leave it's the gig is the bar of the hotel yeah so i was drunk and i just i i did one of those bold moves where I go, listen, if you want to come back to my room, it's just for sex and I'm not going to see you again. And she went, that's great with me. And we went up to my room into the light. And the joke about beer goggles and all that.

No, she was in a darkly lit. She had camouflaged herself in a bar so well that now we're in the room and she's taking off. And it just gets worse the more she takes off. she takes off and then on her shoulder or not her she had a tattoo a prison tattoo that says lot of product had come out of her so it was uh like rolly like the michelin tire yeah she was a 20 year old girl who had four kids probably that kind of yeah and it was just and i had to fuck her because I had made such a production out of listen, you come to my room. It's just for the fucking. And I feel the same way where I kind of got raped.

You me too. Not raped. I shouldn't say rape. It's like it's you're not. It's like it's you didn't really want to. But you felt like you had. Well shouldn't say raped. It's like you're not, it's like you didn't really want to, but you were like, well, I'm here. I feel like I brought this on myself. I walked into this. I did this.

I'm at fault. Yeah. How could you if you don't have an erection? Well, because I was young. I was like 25. Yeah. And with a beast like that they smell fear you want to be careful by the way india pearl hennigan how could you

he's the guy that notoriously in a similar situation on a one-night stand where he got her back to his room left because she had a giant nipple hair. Oh, boy. How could you? He could because he's an evil prick. Oh, my God. So you know what? Sometimes she was her suit. Her nipple was.

That's a good throwback. Good throwback. All right. I want a drink and I want a cigarette and we're in a basement where we have no drinks and no uh ashtrays and we can't smoke so uh that's a that's a goddamn podcast thanks for uh thanks for wrapping up the uh men are talking podcast thank you for having me i thank you for allowing me to speak uh brett erick, Greg Chaley, Brian Hennigan, and myself would all like to

help you with your comedy. So if you want to come back to our Airbnb. If you want to open for all of us. We could really workshop some stuff. We got the room for another hour. So we could really just take a little break and then maybe some notes.

I don't have an apartment in San Diego. And all our wives can watch through the plexiglass from the producer's booth. And when they bang on the window, we'll go, shush up, ladies. Men are talking. Thanks to the Comedy Store.

And to Sean Rose for giving us that phrase