The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #268: Booze Shakes Podcast & R.I.P. Uncle Bill

Episode Date: July 25, 2018

Doug weighs in on comedy specials, getting ejected from the New York shows and remembers his past guests who have died. Included at the end of this podcast is a never aired episode from 2016 with Uncle Bill and Floyd.Recorded July 21st, 2018 & May 27, 2016 in the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Uncle Bill, Floyd (@ArizonaLizards), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.Get on the Mailing List at [www.dougstanhope.com](www.dougstanhope.com). This episode is sponsored byBingo's book - “Let Me Out: a madhouse diary” NOW AVAILABLE on AUDIBLE.com - [https://amzn.to/2mItJzn](https://amzn.to/2mItJzn)LINKS:STANHOPE MERCH - NEW! Chad Shank T-Shirts, “Popov Vodka Presents” VHS Tapes and the NEW KILLER TERMITES T-Shirt now available at [http://www.DougStanhope.com/store](http://www.DougStanhope.com/store)“The Comedian As Confidence Man: A Study In Irony Fatigue” by Will Kaufman - [https://amzn.to/2NI7lBr](https://amzn.to/2NI7lBr)Chad Shank Voice Over info at [http://www.AudioShank.com](http://www.AudioShank.com)Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org)Clip from Doug's July 15, 2018 Sony Hall New York show sent to me from the an audience member.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast there you go check check it's weird you sitting there i know it's weird i like that you have this picture up right in front of my face i'm in the chad sh chair, which he never uses. That's the Becker chair. I guess that would be. Hey, it's Booze Shakes podcast. It feels it's 1.30.

It's 1.35 in the afternoon. Yeah, but it feels like morning still. I just kind of get out of bed. It was a late night. Before you get into it, I think, whatever you're going to do next, go ahead and do it. But I think you need to let people know what your routine is. We've talked about it before, but I think that, juxtaposed to what happened last night, will make it –

they'll understand more. I'm usually in bed by like 10.30 at the latest. That's like after people show up late or there's a game on late, you're like dragging it to make it to 10.30. Yeah, and I'm usually up at between 4.30 and 6. Whenever the discount meet goes out at Safeway. Yeah, once April Madison comes on with the weather at 6 a.m., I'm usually up and watching.

April Madison, my new weather person at K-Gun in Tucson. Hey, the Tucson Weekly is doing their best of, so if you go to the Tucson Weekly and fill out the best of, you don't have to be from Tucson. You'd have to make a minimum of 30 selections. So there's the Frank Show. That's what Mamu's on for best morning radio. And April Madison is best weather person, not Jeff Beamish.

And then make up 28 more. You have to have at least 30 selections out of the things. And, yeah, make her the best weather person because she's better than Jeff Beamish. Yeah, but that's my morning routine is I wake up early. I stay in bed. Sometimes I get up motivated, but usually I stay in bed and I watch my morning news. And then I, unfortunately, and this is a pattern that I'm really trying to change. It's a bad habit?

No, it's when I then, because I don't fucking care about the news. I see what the weather is. Checking with April? Checking with April. And then I go off. Fuck. I want I want better news than those local fucking drudgery about, hey, the humane society's heaven of function and kids are making art and there's a pothole Oracle Road. Watch out.

Coffee drinker. Then I fucking pick up my fucking laptop and then I'm immediately just filled with fucking Twitter hate and email hate. This is morning? Every morning? Yeah. And I try to put off looking at the computer until, all right, I'm set. I've had breakfast. I did my errands.

I went to the bank or the fucking mailbox or something because i wake up hateful anyway and then there's always something to feed you whether it's a fucking news story or another fucking cop beat up a fucking another guy caught on fucking tape and then you just want to kill people and then you get one shitty email one yeah that's why i'm podcasting sober at 1 30 in the afternoon i won't be sober for very long i got some beers here but yeah some guy goes hey i love you and i'm your biggest fan but your podcast sucks you really need to put more effort and editing and so i go yeah fuck this that's when i saw your text hey what time will we be podcasting today i go how about now and then i get a fucking

email while you're setting this up from some fucking angry jew who said he he's he said i just He said, I just saw an audio or video of yours on YouTube where you rant the whole time about how you hate the Jews. And he goes into this litany of the history of the Jews and where would you be without the Jews? And they've done this and this. A lot of facts. Yeah, a lot of fucking weird facts like how Israel is the only place to take ocean water and make it 100% fresh water. And where will you get your water after Putin's or Kim Jong's nuclear weapons wipe out L.A.? The title, unfortunately, but no, it's a fucking good title, is I Hate the Jews. Fortunately, but no, it's a fucking good title is I Hate the Jews.

Unfortunately, in this climate, some people will fucking see I Hate the Jews and either take it the wrong way or the other wrong way. And the fact that he says, I just saw an audio or video, that means you just saw the title, I Hate the Jews. I saw it written somewhere with your name next to it. Yeah. I just saw it. Well, you'd know if it was audio or video. You'd know. It was one or the other that I just saw on YouTube. I think he was a little bit flummoxed because he probably saw an unauthorized YouTube clip that only had pictures.

I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. Well, no, then he says that, well, I rant the whole time. But no, the whole point of the bit is that I hate all religions. And for some reason, I always gave a pass to Judaism because of their history of shittiness where I go, well, there's still a religion that's fucking stupid. That's the point of the bit. It's a long bit and it has a lot of angles to it. But that's the only part about Jews, really.

And the fact that you always know someone's Jewish because they always put it in every sentence. As a Jew and a Jew, Jew, Jew. Something to that effect. It's a fucking 11-year-old bit. This could be one of those things that suffers from horrible editing where they just get that shocker, I hate the Jews, and then don't play the whole bit.

No idea. It wouldn't be you putting this out. It's too long of a bit to take a chunk and go, oh, see what he said? It's too long and involved a story. The point is, it's what I focus on. Then I'm now my fucking danders up, and I want to sit and fight with this guy all day.

Yeah. Where there's a million other emails that are saying, hey, you fucking made my life. You saved my day. I got that new guy that's emailing me that killed his mother, and he's a schizophrenic, he's a crazy fuck. Yeah. And he's got a great story, and I've been emailing back and forth. That's a guy fuck. Yeah. And he's got a great story. And I've been emailing back and forth.

That's a guy who, his mom came after him and he shot her? No, no, this guy, he loved his mother. But you get more than one of these a week? Yeah, well, I get a folder for suicides. I get a folder for annoying. I get a folder for crazies. I get a folder for funny, which a folder for crazies in a folder for funny

which is pretty much empty is that where the cricket sound goes so uh so yeah i but yeah then i just i get to stop fucking staring at that computer. It's usually about between 1 and 3 o'clock where I come out here, and I do nothing. I light my first cigarette, which kicks the booze shakes in the hardest, and then I sit here and I read stories and I hate people until I go, I should fucking probably have a drink. I get the booze shakes pretty bad. I'm trying to respond to an email, and I'm putting a lot of L's

where there's at least supposed to be two. You've heard of Goliath? I think it's on Amazon Prime. Yeah, with Billy Bob Thornton. He's like a successful, well, he's a fucking rummy lawyer and ends up coming into some cash. I won't say how.

But he lives in Santa Monica in a hotel room next to this shitty dive bar. And he just goes over there every day and he doesn't have to work. He doesn't have to do shit. He just wants to be left alone. He doesn't look at anything. That whole – and that series is great. But it would be very different if he was sitting at the shitty bar, the Chez Jay, plunking away at his iPad, checking his tweets. You have the exact same setup here.

Unlimited booze, TVs chattering, and no one will touch you. They'll leave you the fuck alone, except you got the computer open. I'm retired. I don't need to be on Twitter. I know. I imagine the day where I can just ditch all social media. But then you have a fucking opinion and you need everybody to hear it. And then a lot of people don't agree with it.

And you hate them. And then you have to fight with them. I just want to be right. There's too much you can't do on Twitter. I watched this and I was ready to hate it and I still haven't processed it. But as a

comedian, it's just blowing up her special on Netflix. It's Hannah Gadsby. Nanette is the name of it. Nanette is the name of it. Nanette is the name of the... I don't want to give away her jokes and do them disjustice,

but Nanette has nothing to do with the fucking special. And I think she makes some reference at the beginning. Right in the beginning. She says that she named the show Nanette after a girl she really liked that she was sure she could get an hour's worth of material out of, and it didn't work out.

It was something to that effect. It was funny. Well, she got a title out of it. Yeah, but I watched it to hate it. Like, I go, all right, what's, she's, I think it was Slate Magazine that says she's broken stand-up comedy. And The Guardian says she's changed stand-up comedy forever. And it's because it goes to a place where it's a fucking theater piece. It was a TED Talk.

It was an hour-long TED Talk. Oh, it was. Yeah, more than that. It's pretty fucking intense. I'm not saying bad or good when I say that. I'm saying it's not. I mean, she has a lot of jokes in there. Oh, you did watch it?

Oh, yeah. Oh, all right. I did it because everyone in L.A. was talking about it. But I heard them say the word Nanette. I remembered that. So it kind of tricked me because – and this is probably why she called it Nanette instead of something that was more spot on because I wouldn't have clicked on the spot on. Like a description of what the what the thing was like her performance I still thought she was very very engaging very she had a story

to tell it was great but I don't know if she broke comedy well the fact that I'm only bringing this up because I have thought about it a lot and there was was a specific beat in my Me Too stuff, which never really quite gelled as to what this piece is. But there is a piece that I go, that's exactly what the fuck I say, but for a different reason. Yeah. Which immediately made me want to un-retire and go back out just to do that bit and just to address this and going, yeah, that's what the fuck I was saying and why don't you recognize that? And you get... The point is...

I'll go on with it, but the point I was making is I wanted to have a rational discussion after I watched this because it brought up a lot of points and it made me think about some stuff, but it also made me very angry at some points. And I wanted to have a discussion on Twitter where I know that half of these fucking malukes that fucking follow me would just go, fuck that dyke bitch.

Fucking, and probably having never watched the special just like the guy who thinks i hate the juice so yeah you can't have a fucking reasonable i i would almost i'm sure i'm guilty of it but i i try to never trash a comedian on twitter uh i mean i made a couple of goofs about Kathy Griffin, but at this point, how can you not? Or unless it's a comic I know. Like if I'm busting Artie's balls about, he's in my death pool or something. I know, yeah.

And to be fair, we're laughing at James Inman, but we're laughing at him with him. Right, he just forgets to do it for himself. A lot of the times. But the thing that struck me about the Nanette,

I'm stuttering anyway, and now I'm trying to say Nanette like I'm trying to say net and doing it wrong. I'm sorry. Can I get one more beer? I don't even care if it's the space shuttle. I'll take the space shuttle light bottle. Well, there's a cooler full, or maybe there's not after last night. No, no, there is.

I re-iced them. Oh, good. Yeah, I'll take another two. Oh, we need to eventually get to that. We're going to get to that. I got it in my notes. I was going to segue from the weather girl into last night. I have to say this.

Since we're starting to work on video here at the Funhouse. That might smell. How funny. That's only available to YouTube viewers. Hey, how funny would it be you watching something live, like a comedy special? Like even then that. Me watching it like two girls, one cup.

No, no. You watching. No, like Twitch. People who play video games. But you would be able to watch. You do a viewing party. Watch with Stan Hope as he watches this. You got a live mic on you.

I would be hitting pause every four minutes. To not step on the next thing. This is the thing. This is what. And that's why that's bullshit. Not Nanette specifically, but any comedy. I really,

I've been wanting to binge. I want, I watched like months ago when the Chappelle dropped too. And he got to some point where I go, I don't want, where he's talking about being too good at this. That's why he's bored with it. I go fucking,

I don't want to watch this, because that's like something that I would subliminally pick up, or like stuff that I hear. I either hate stand-up comedy because I wish I wrote that. I like this too much, or it's just fucking benign. See through all the... And it's just fucking benign and see through all the and it's just the specials they're always filmed with fucking 1500 2000 fucking people uh and so it's like drowned out with applause

breaks where you go if this was in a you know the or at the comedy store in front of fucking 80 people this would be flowing and moving and now it's just a fucking love fest. It's about $350. It's way different than the theater shows. $350. Let's face it, that's a world class place to do a show. What's your sweet number?

Depends on the room. Yeah, true. Because when we were up in Albany, you go, now this place. It was that performance arts center or whatever it is. It's big and open, but it's – Where is this? Albany with the – was it Albany? It had the –

Oh, no, it was Buffalo. Buffalo, that's right. Yeah, that was a great place. Tralf's. Tralf's? Tralf's Music Hall. The Tralf. The Tralf Music Hall.

And it was because it was open. I'm going, this is weird. This isn't like... But it still kind of had a balcony. Yeah, yeah. No, no. No balcony. Oh, no. Upstairs.

Not a theater balcony. A riser. Yes. A riser. Yeah. So it was better sight lines. And that's what you said. All three sides.

You can see everyone. You don't have fucking hecklers in the dark like you do in a theater. I think that's over i've i used to always complain about theater shows where i've had some that i really liked where the material was built where i can do this you know these are long bits these are kind of theater e you know it's it's made for that. But the fucking fans, once they're fucking out of a fucking glassing range. What's that? Oh, glassing.

That's a UK thing. Glassing, glassing. Binoculars, right? No, a fucking pint glass in the face. Oh, glassing. I thought it was a hunter's term. Just glassing. That's a UK uk term you don't want to hear so that i i knew this is exactly what you were going to talk about is it i want to talk about one more

thing with the nanette is where she basically has a fucking breakdown in it where she's like i don't you know i'm not doing comedy anymore because it takes away from my story where this is a serious story. It's basically the book that I've always touted is The Comedian as Confidence Man, A Study in Irony Fatigue, where when you have a – it's a fucking great book, and it's hard to find. Some professor wrote it and it went through humorists from Ben Franklin, which I didn't even know he was considered a humorist,

all the way up through Bill Hicks. What's the guy that just got fired? Fucking Garrison Keillor. Yeah. Mark Twain. People who had serious points but had to hide behind the mask of comedy, where I'm not kidding but once i dropped the joke now i'm just a fucking orator and this is kind of what nanette turns into where she drops

the fucking mask of comedy and goes yeah there's some fucking strong beats oh by the way i'm not going to give them away you should you should watch it and don't i tell me what you think about it on twitter but don't go fuck that i don't want to hear your fucking stupid fucking hateful opinion she talks a lot about that too where i can't live you know from an angry place and which is what i do that like it it made me think but then again everything makes me think, but then again, everything makes me think. If I watch a shitty stand-up comic, it makes me think, I shouldn't work so hard on my act if he can do this and make the same amount of money with that shit.

Everything makes me think. But when she got to that place where she's near tears, like, this is what happened. This is my truth. And it's a fucking, I mean, you've seen me have some fucking snaps on stage. You've seen me have a moment where I just lose my shit. I don't know if you were there in San Jose. We're getting to that in the UK.

Oh, well, that's a fucking, no, that was New York. Oh, New York, that's right, that's right. Anyway, but like an emotional fucking moment. In San Jose. What happened in San Jose? There was one time. I don't know if it was when Laura Kimball was there and dying or if she had just died. I think she was there where I just...

I was having a bad day. I think it was when she was there and we'd gone out. Near like one of those last shows. Yeah. Because she was going to a lot of shows. Yeah, yeah. And I think I did probably three solid minutes of silence at the end. Whereas I think someone was being a jerk off.

And I just stood there on stage and just made everyone fucking uncomfortable. Because I was falling apart and I just wanted, I was seething with hatred at the same time and I just stood there. She's sitting in the front row. Yeah, lower Kimball seat. But it was a

moment where, yeah, it's a breakdown moment. And then I just I'm fucking closing on that. I just closed on it on and three minutes of silence on stage is a fucking nine seconds of silence they just showed something on msnbc where they asked this guy uh i think it's coats the guy who's in trouble now they asked him a question and he they told you he's going to he's not going to say something for nine seconds if you didn't tell me how long that was I would have said it was a half hour

I used to do that on stage for fun it is so I'd just stop and I'd adjust my beer and I'd count it out in my head and everyone's getting fucking riling in their seats and I'd stop and then I'd go that was 10 seconds.

I just stopped talking for 10 seconds and you couldn't fucking handle it. But where she hits this fucking crisis point, it's like that. It's like this kind of emotional. No, it's visible. Oh. Yeah, and then she has to take a moment.

And I watch that. And yeah, I see how uncomfortable. And she's making a point of that. But she's also like, I go, this is a special that she had to film. And this wasn't a moment. She did. And then I read up on it. she'd been doing this show for 18 months that means every night you have to pretend to be having this emotional moment you know that

i fucking drink i have to drink to do my set because otherwise i can't see why it's funny i've said this shit every fucking night and i have to drink myself to get myself into a lather. And yeah, of course, the thing she's talking about and the brutality she lived through, I'm sure it never gets easy. But when you're talking about it every fucking night for 18 months and you can still draw that moment. So it was equal parts, this is fraudulent, and equal parts, you're a fucking fantastic actress.

Theater, yeah. I mean, there is something to be said about being able to convey that emotion over and over again. That was the City Opera House. It was fucking huge. I couldn't tell if they did it over two nights. There was one shot where there's,

I think that's where I played. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, did you? I think that's the one where the guy gets thrown out, and I'm going, why is he still here? He's putting his shoes on. So it's highfalutin, but it's Australia highfalutin.

But there's one shot where they show the nosebleed seats. And you go, how can you enjoy comedy in this venue? Well, you're not getting the intimate moment. Unless there's a diamond screen behind her where they pull in tight. Hold on. The production manager is like, get ready. Camera three, pull in tight. We're going to get the face And go

And tears Balcony erupts Act And then right afterwards Because Netflix has it lined up that way Tig Notaro Comes on and you're like, oh, shit.

Wait, I... She just goes right into... Wait, not there, at the... No, no, the next one. Once we finish that, it goes to the next... Other viewers enjoyed this. Yeah, it just starts playing the next comedy special, which is Tig, who's fucking fantastic.

She just goes, starts, has a lot of the same points about being mistaken for a dude and uh and jokes yeah it's very funny like uh yeah hopefully one day your trauma will lead you to a place of peace where you're fucking funny like tignitaro not that that chick wasn't funny just uh yeah i just feel felt like she she was i was gonna say Felt like she was. I was going to say it felt like she was yelling at me the whole time. She was. So, yeah, watch those two specials.

The Tig one's a new one, right? The Tig is just so adorable. And how the show closes, I have never seen someone look happier like childlike happy than the end of tig special and uh i'm not gonna give it away that's great uh but yeah just sitting down on a stool and just beaming smiling like I can't believe this is happening. It was fucking great. All right, there's my Netflix recap. Hold on a second. Chase, can you just sit right here?

Because he keeps looking. He wants to look and work the room, but there's no reason why you can't join the conversation. Well, I can't have you talk. I haven't brushed my teeth yet, so I don't want you too close. Yeah, that's fine. Hey, get him a shot of peppermint schnapps. When I'm looking at her, I'm wondering

if I should have another drink. I'm not playing around. I know, but I see you keep pulling that way, and there's no reason to, because she can just sit there. It's the same thing. It's a nervous tick. Take a break. Just say, hey, we'll be right back. You just said it. No, you do it.

We just did that, so we're taking a break. You do it now. I know. Once we do did that so we're taking a break you do it now i know well once we do this live we're gonna have to fucking take these i don't know what you're talking about let's do some uh let's do uh hold on do it clean i was talking over you why don't you just leave this in what all right because it drags on now all right we'll uh take a quick break oh wait here's something i want to talk about why did we'll take a quick break. Oh, wait. Here's something I want to talk about. Why do we say take a break when we should just

say, hey, listen, this is a commercial. Because when we say take a break, maybe people just turn it off and they go out and smoke. Oh, wait. I should do some work. I need another beer, too. Oh, thanks.

My boss is coming. All right. What are we promoting? Who's our sponsor? There's no sponsor. Oh, so we're not really taking a break. We're taking a break. I'll put Bingo's book in here.

Yeah, okay. There we go. We'll be right back. Shit, are we really. We'll be right back. Oh, shit. Are we really sponsored by this? Fuck. Look, just read the copy. Bingo's up. They paid us in wampum.

Seashells and lumps of salt. Playing cards with denominations written on there. Playing cards with denominations written on there. We were staying at that hotel in L.A. while we were out there. And it's the standard. And I'm sure it was hoity-toity in its day. And now it just seems like... $30 hamburgers, poolside mojitos. That's where you and Chad...

The bar was great, yeah. You and Chad were there all manspreading, laying out. Yeah, the time before this. It was like gay male Italian models. You guys took pictures. Yeah, there was a whole lot of gay going on. But you guys were just loud and proud. I loved it.

Yeah, without Chadad i did not take off my shirt we did we just did it out of spite to all the fucking chiseled gay uh whatever spaniards they they were they looked like they could have been in like perfume models in magazines and those cutouts well it was uh it was great because we were going to the the pool bar there and uh bingo and i were walking through the lobby and two like hans and franz kind of tall dutch gay guys or whatever they were both it's from a from a distance pointed to us like they'd been waiting for us and they go go, Doug and Bingo, we listened. I've read both your books and I've listened to your audio book

and we were just waiting for your audio book. It was great to get recognized together as authors. Oh, wow. Yes. And they're just waiting. Well, here's your, because they said they listened to the podcast. Here's to you, Gay Hans and Franz. I don't know if they work there or they're just hanging out at the front desk because they knew the manager.

But yes, Bingo's audio book is now available at Audible. Go to audible.com and search Amy Bingo Bingaman. Actually, it comes up on that. Let me out. Yeah. Also, there'll be a link. There'll be a link on uh your website as well all right great we'll direct you there so please yeah read by our good friend sarah

highlander or sarah highland as she used to be known but it's not the actress sarah highland even though it's spelled the same way with the hy so i said you should be called sarah highlander because you're more sarah highland than that Highlander. And she did until it meant something. Something important came up. Yeah, then she had to use a real name. Also, you and Chad are also credited as voice characters. Yeah, and Doug Krebs. Doug Krebs.

Great job. This is actually an in-house production. No shit. This is something that Bingo and Doug Krebs putbs put together with sarah sarah came out and spent a couple days and it's different than like your book we had uh someone come out uh bruce from audible and we recorded here but that was under the uh we did it all by ourselves now i want to write another goddamn book just so we can do that I just want to write an audible book I want to sit down with that in mind and go alright I'm writing this

the way I say it I'm not going to worry about fucking paragraphs this is basically a script because it's only going to be audible because my fucking fans don't read books a few of them they don't even read the total title I just got Artie's new book I'll give that a plug Artie's new total title. I just got Artie's new book.

I'll give that a plug. Artie's new book, Want to Bet. I just got that in the mail. Taking that on our train trip. We're taking the train for a vacation all over the stupid country and not really leaving. I guess we have a couple days somewhere. I think you drank. I'm not even saying where I'm going to be fucking stopping.

I just said you drank. I'm not even saying where I'm going to be fucking stopping. I just said you drank. I think you read four or five books on the 20 days we were in Canada. You cranked it. Anytime I'm out of the States, the UK, television sucks there, and everything's overpriced. So, yeah, I read voraciously, so much so that I know words like voraciously after a while

uh so yeah that's uh that i'm not gonna bring podcasting equipment we'll front load some stuff here because it would be kind of fun on the train they make you sit in the dining car with other people because it's limited seating? They have someone like Julie the cruise director that pairs people at tables. So like when you and I were on the train. If you're a single

well we got a three top here you can fit in there. Or two singles and a couple. Everybody listening knows because you've had to go to a comedy club and you sit with other people and then I point to you and you go yeah because you've had to go to a comedy club and you sit with other people. And then I point to you and you go, yeah, yeah, because you and your wife and you're like, I don't know. I don't know these people. Well, I don't know how they seat you.

They might as well have picnic benches. Yeah, sometimes they do. Some of the gigs we do. So on the train. Oh, yeah. So on the train, you sit with other people and they're trained people so it's uncomfortable so Bingo and I are coming up with

different lies we're going to tell people that what we do for a living or where we're from or where we're going just because you're going to have a boring conversation and if you say you're a comedian you're fucked and when you ask Bingo what she does then she

you can see this her mind like curtains in the wind blowing like what do I do I don't I wrote a book but I don't do it all the time published author yeah I wrote an album but I haven't played a fucking instrument in a fucking year I don't know what I do

dude she's got credits. I made this dress. Well, my friend made it, but I watched and told her what material to make it with. I pointed where the button should go. But she's a... Well, we could put in a fashion designer, author,

published author. Yeah, but we're just going to make up lies oh I know but I'm saying that would be fun to tape surreptitiously oh yeah huh

how am I doing with the big words today couple lav mics on you guys yeah yeah and then you hear this the whole time

the fucking track just the sound of a loud dining car. Like when you tried to record when you went to Hawaii with Bingo, and all I could hear is the white noise. The wind. This is a podcast that's also a sleep tape.

White noise. The one I want to use is where I want want to i don't know the the right word but to slowly go into how i make things like we we make like like false gas tanks for the cartels to smuggle well we don't know what they're smuggling we don't know what they put in them but sometimes we call it a a quote-unquote... Fabrication. Yeah. It is a fabrication. Luggage compartment fabricator. There you go. So that's our fun time on the train.

The rest of it we'll be reading. I'll be reading Artie's book. And I bought a fucking book in LA about that. You know those two guys that were lost at sea? One of them lived 487 days. That be the title of what yeah fucking some south american no they were a fishing boat okay and they had fucking lost all their shit and the one guy died halfway through and the one guy made it 487 days i I believe, wound up in fucking like Indonesia or something, some island. You'd figure in that amount of time you would at least run into something that you could jump overboard and swim to.

Well, I'm sure they passed a lot of boats jumping and waving. But I've read the story in the news and I've read follow ups to it. But yeah, I love survival shit like that. So I bought that book and I must have left it at the bar in Tucson where I bought it because I never saw the fucking thing again. I've read that one book about a year ago. That's the last one I remember. It was about pirates and people that were abandoned and

castaways, basically. And it was all true accounts. And it was fucking fascinating. And horrifying. I remember waiting for you to finish that, but wasn't it really dense? Wasn't it like 700 pages of small print? But it was one of those things where you get into this thing and you're like,

Jesus Christ. They give them one gun with one bullet and dump them off with like enough food for three days and the guy gets back that's something audible like guns germs and steel completely unreadable but listenable oh yeah i mean that's the beauty of auto are we still doing an audible commercial we are not even sponsored we should why don't why aren't they i guess we but listenable. Oh, yeah. That's the beauty of Audible. Are we still doing an Audible commercial? We're not even sponsored. Why aren't they? I guess we are sponsored since they pay us to do fucking audiobooks.

Yeah. So, yeah. Get our goddamn books. That's Bingo's book. It's called Let Me Out. That's why we shouldn't have to break for commercial. We just say at some point we should start talking about this,

whether we're getting paid for it or not. Anyway, back to the stories I was telling about Twitter rage and morning rage, and this turns into evening rage. Well, we ran over your, just to recap, we ran over your routine. You're a man of routines. You go to bed, 10.30 at the latest. You probably have taken some kind of a sleeper. You're definitely drunk.

You're wound up, but your eyes are half-masked. Not today. Last night, I was up until at least 2, waiting for the cops, which I finally said, you know i'm i already i already took my downer before the incident i'll just go to bed and we'll fucking deal with it tomorrow but uh yeah the fucking the anchor management issues were after our last podcast with you i went to new york. The Sony Music Hall, it was such a fucking fantastic

venue because the hotel is... Oh, shit. You know what? I kind of backhanded slammed the standard in Hollywood where I was thinking about the room at the place I stayed there. Sorry, standard.

I'm sure your rooms were fine. In fact, they were. I was thinking about the room at the place I stayed there. Sorry, Standard. I'm sure your rooms were fine. In fact, they were. We stayed there before. I was thinking about the room at this place where I go, yeah, this place probably used to be nice back when it had a bar and restaurant. They had one ice machine for 15 floors of hotel, and it was on our floor, so I couldn't complain.

But this is the new york hotel this is the new york place and the hotel you take the elevator down to the first floor take a right immediately there is a staircase that takes you down two flights to the green room so you don't have to leave the fucking hotel at the sony hall or even go through the audio you go right to your green room, and the staff was fantastic. I think Hennigan told me someone was a fan or someone was tipped off into some of the things you prefer backstage. And we've said this.

Oh, the ice thing. Because of the UK and my ice. He needs a lot of ice. They were bringing those two-handled pails of ice, almost like a laundry basket, and then bringing another in. I've had two drinks out of the first one. There's two green rooms, both set up with double bottles of Absolute and three carafts of pineapple-orange-cranberry juice.

and three carafts of pineapple orange cranberry juice. Do you... We brought you some hummus and pita. Two giant bowls. Like, now I want friends here. Like, now I feel like I have to bring people down. It's kind of like today, which segues, but I have to get to the point, is the first of the two nights, some fuckhead said something and I fucking snapped on him or he had his phone out or something.

And then the guy beside him says, hey, be a pro. What the fuck did you say? Be a pro. You're supposed to know how to deal with this stuff. I'm fucking coming off the stage and as i'm saying it i go oh i am coming off the stage and i jumped off the fucking stage right into the guy's face going the fuck out of my fucking show and i'm like i should not be here this is not i am not chad shank i should not be more importantly importantly, there's no Chad Shank behind you. You clearly aren't Chad Shank,

but you don't even know if there's backup. It's not a comedy club, which they don't know how to deal with hecklers. I don't know what Hennigan told them before, but there's a certain amount of leeway, but when you jump into the audience, you've now

entered the fucking lion's den. You haven't said one fucking funny thing out of leeway, but when you jump into the audience, you've now entered the fucking... the lion's den. You haven't said one fucking funny thing in 15 fucking minutes. Get the fuck out then if you don't think it's funny. That was the first

night. This is what Brian Henningen texted me. Doug jumped off stage to confront a heckler tonight. Let's save it for a podcast. No details! We were still in LA with the Bretchells. I wanted to know everything,

but I also didn't want the details because we could talk about it. I assume Hennigan was taping, so we should have that recorded. And the second night was worse. What? should have that recorded. And the second night... In New York?

...was worse. What? Well, I didn't try to attack anyone. But the first night in New York, you jumped off one of your last two nights, your penultimate performance, because you're going to quit after this. Yeah, and I'm going to do it every night

for 18 months in acting rates every time. I probably would if I didn't take a fucking vacation and another fake retirement. You jumped off stage to confront Heckler to his face and you say the next night was worse? The Heckler was worse because it was... Fuck, there was one thing that happened before that.

In New York? Yeah, there was two problems in the same night. But the one chick just kept talking to the guy next to her. And it's still obscure if that was one of those situations where someone said, I don't think that guy even knew her. She left with another guy where, oh, another one. I forget the cops came to that one, too. There's so few ladies at a stand-up show that they really have their pick of the audience.

Well, I can see her at this guy the whole time. And I always cheat to the right of the stage, and she's to my left. So it's not as aggravating, but I'm noticing it more and more. You're seeing that peripheral thing where you're, you're, it's, it's diverting your attention.

This is another one. I want to hear the recording because I don't know exactly what I said to her, but I said something about what the fuck are you keep talking about? You know, people are around you and she's, she said, I lost my voice. And I'm sure I said something witty in response.

And it was one of those at the end of the show where, like, you're fucking leaving. I only have one bit left, but you're not going to hear it. Then she started pretending to be deaf. And I go, you're not fucking deaf. You're getting the fuck out. And I'm just going to stand here. And then I gave her the option.

You can fucking be a decent person and throw yourself out, or we can do the whole production with fucking security. But you can't hear the fucking closing bit. And she put up a fight. And I'm not leaving. And I'm just going to, you can't hear the fucking closing bit. And she put up a fight and I'm not leaving and I'm just going to stand here. And they had to drag her out, fucking pick her up by her shoulders and feet and drag her out front. And then I went down. Joe Vernon was there with his kid and his gal.

And so they came down to the green room and yeah, we had a few people. Brian's new gal pal, Audrey or Aubrey, depending on whether he gets it right. He introduced her to Joe Vernon by the wrong name. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, I will put a link in the show notes just to, if

they didn't catch it, when we went through Oklahoma City and you were basically two sentences away from ending a sold-out show and you refused you refused to talk anymore that was oklahoma yeah and it was so awesome because we met that bouncer before the show and he's like an mma guy and you see him the whole time through, just like, this way, lady. And using open hand, showing her the way. She went home and get on Facebook and said she was assaulted. Her friend did.

She complained about it to her friend, and her friend wrote about it. And then you confronted the friend going, look, there's video. And you got an apology from the friend. Yeah, because someone was videotaping. And this was one of the few times maybe because of that. Oh, that's the clip. Well, hang on. I told the audience, I go, all right, I've been giving you shit about cell phones, but

film this because this lady is going to be an asshole because that one in Oklahoma City was claiming that she was assaulted by the doorman and several people on the way out. Everyone was grabbing her and groping her. And hey, yep, me too. Fucking believe it. But fortunately, my fans don't fucking listen to me a lot when I say put your phones away. And they were filming her being gently escorted out of the building. And then the friend

had to come back and go oh i'm sorry i can't believe she would fucking lie to me like that what if yeah so she lost a friend and a seat at that show i bought tickets for denver see you there uh i we do have the clip from uh new york we'll play right here. Please film that. You've been a fucking asshole all night. I tried to make it nice. Don't worry. If they have to call the cops, no one's going to leave. No one's going to go,

oh, this is boring. Nobody ever leaves a fist fight to go watch the band. And mustang Sally is on it. This is the last show of my career. I don't... You're leaving.

Don't worry, they're gonna call the cops. You don't wanna go to the fucking tombs or wherever you go here. Just go! I don't... I'm not... fucking tombs or wherever you go here. Just go! Hey, here's a bit I wasn't gonna do. Get it! Yeah, you guys can keep the camera on. I'm trying to become a... I can't do the bit. I'm gonna to become a I can't do that I want to watch too

it's so hard to figure out how to get rid of an element of your fan base I'm working on getting rid of fucking MAGA racist fucks but then you it's people that just don't know I'm not getting rid of fucking MAGA racist fucks. But then you... GIMPS!

It's people that just don't know how to drink. And there's also... I do have a large element of mentally ill people. You have to, like, be gentle with that. But I don't necessarily know how to spot that versus the I just got too hammered and tweeted you a picture of me drinking Negronis at 11 in the morning.

Get ready for the standoff, Joe! You're not going to be in any condition nine hours later. It works out! Stay away! nine hours later. Woo! It's out! Oh, okay. That was someone who actually filmed it in New York.

I hope Brian has the whole lead-up, because he should have been taping all of my sets. If he has the lead-up to it, because it wasn't until she was getting thrown out that I said, hey, film this shit. And no one tweeted a link to me, so I figured it was like those Panamint things where towards the end of the Death Valley parties, everyone has to. They were shitty back then.

Five years in, yeah. The flip phone video, and no one ever posted anything. No one knew how uh but so i spend a long time after the show in new york if it's too big of a show i can't fucking bill burritt and rogan it up and go i can't meet that many people it's just it's overwhelming psychologically psychologically. My attention span, I feel like I'm letting everybody down. Everyone wants to talk to you. Hey, I got a story. Just two minutes.

And you go, all right, that's 300 people. And two minutes times 300, I think, is 10 hours, if I'm doing my math right. And it's just too much. I fucking can't do it. I fucking mentally snap, especially after I've jumped off stage to possibly get into a physical confrontation with a heckler. I'm not going out there. But the second night after she was thrown out, I forget the other fucking thing that happened.

Something else happened in that show. Different person, though, right? Different person. But she was the issue because I waited a good 25 minutes and then went, all right. A lot of people gave me shit for not going out last night because they brought books. And so after the dead weight's gone, I thought I gave it enough time. And I actually sent someone up to make sure that fucking chick isn't out there because she was throwing a fucking a muted tantrum was she signing so i got there's a handful half a dozen a dozen people and took a couple pictures and signing

books and here comes that fucking lady she's with a different guy you didn't have you didn't have a merch table you just went out on the sidewalk I was on the sidewalk. Smoking? Okay. Yeah, and I could smoke in the green room. So I didn't have... Enough people gave me shit for not signing their book last night. I should go out. But as long as she's gone... She's gone. Oh, she came back. She was hiding behind a fucking corner.

You be a man and you talk to me. And I just fucking ignored her. And she's right in my face and I'm just signing people's books acting like she's not there. And then someone realized, hey, we can just step back in the doorway. And the bouncer is now, you know, now you can come off the sidewalk. And I'll sign your books and take your pictures. And she's out there screaming.

And they called the cops. And evidently, when I went back down into the dungeon in the green room with the people I know, they said the cops showed up and they were trying to get a statement from me, but they couldn't find me. I'm like, that's fine. Fucking psychos. I need a vacation. It's New York, man. It's crazy.

It's awful. You were pretty spent by the time you got back. I'm still spent. So last night, I should have known. Well, what was the occasion here? Well, Uncle Bill, who's been on the podcast, our neighbor, a fucking bucket of stories. We've had him on.

There was one that I don't know why I thought it was fantastic that we're going to play at the end of this. It was like a 20-minute clip of Uncle Bill and Floyd sharing fucking horrific old man medical stories. There's a lot of poop involved from what I remember. I think we loosely titled it Crappapalooza or something like that because Bill had just come from his colonoscopy

and Floyd had just had his fucking colon taken out the bag fitted shit bag so we'll play that at the end I did a we've talked about this where we go do you think you have more

dead people in your cell phone or people you have no idea who they are? And I figured out it's definitely the people you have no idea who they are. Because I went through, Uncle Bill died while I was in New York. No, L.A. L.A. No. No, it was New York. It was New York. No, L.A.? L.A. No. No, it was New York.

It was New York, yeah. Anyway, so yeah, he died. And so I scrolled through my phone to see how many people we've had on the podcast that have died. And you just said we have roughly 300 episodes. 324, 325. Six of our guests are dead. That's a

1 in 50 chance of dying from being a guest on the podcast. And you have to account for it's lower than that because we don't always have a guest. So if you just account for podcasts where we had a guest on yeah it might be like

you know one in 30 chance of fucking croaking well we've had a couple uh heart stoppages my first thought was hey we gotta get margo margo yeah yeah she had a mini stroke. Two mini strokes in two days. Yeah. One here and one uptown. Not on mic, though. Try to be a pro. So we're having the... Hang on.

We're having the... Uncle Bill Memorial here in the Funhouse, which I don't do funerals, but I told backdoor Mike, his son, I go, you can use the Funhouse to have people over. They live next door.

Yeah, I probably won't show up because I don't know the family, and if it's going to be a sad event, I'm not the guy. But they had one memorial uptown in Old Bisbee and then they were going to have the after party memorial here and neighbor Dave cooked up

14 pounds of fucking ribs and macaroni and cheese and the usual football spread he would make and I made 4 pounds of shredded green chili chicken for tacos. And I guess I wasn't paying enough attention to April Madison that morning because the fucking strongest monsoon I can remember seeing here. It was just blowing shit. It was blowing signs off the fence that are fucking screwed down yes

the fucking flat against the fence yeah other houses it uprooted like a 30 foot i don't know what kind of tree that is a tree big fucking tree uprooted down the street like the whole out of the fucking lawn hail powers out for hours the food is you know fortunately my shit was in a crock pot and that stays warm enough for the but yeah he could go off as long as you don't open the lid yeah well which makes it hard to eat we only had one candle so i set that by the bar like the fridge so you could get ice and drinks because that's all you need. And then people just slowly filtered in in the dark, and other people brought candles and little lanterns. That's kind of appropriate.

Yeah. Candles? It's kind of fun. It's fun for a little while. And then once the actual monsoon's over and now it's just a blackout. a monsoon's over and now it's just a blackout. So, yeah, we were without power for most of the night. And we probably had, what, 15, 20 people here?

Power was out for three hours. You couldn't see them all. It was dark. But then the power came back on. I remember fucking that guy that does the Biz Beans and Rice. Does like a YouTube show out of old Bizbee. Really? He was the guy that... Oh, you weren't even up here.

Both of you weren't up here. Well, you weren't up here until it went poorly. I got here when I needed to be. But because of the power outage, it's Tracy's birthday today. And I bought all these things to make a pie inside of a cake like that's in your book and chase i said i said it was about a night in alaska where i did acid and mushrooms together where you go it just it just seems wrong it's like having a pie full of cake yeah so tracy said she likes cherry pie and uh lemon cake so i went and went into sierra

vista get all the stuff then we get here and it's fucking it's raining sideways and the power goes out so i got i when it finally went back on at like 10 o'clock at night that's when i started cooking oh my god he's running through the monsoon when it's fucking at its height he's like oh shit i think i left my back door open yes i did it's fucking hail and like almost direct lightning strikes there's lightning so close that it shakes your teeth and you and you think that it struck the neighbor's house i mean it's like there's a crack of there's a flash of light and that crack is like not even one mississippi away seriously gunshot you saw when i

when i first wanted to leave you're like dude don't go like ah it's no big deal and i jumped through the through the sliding glass door i jumped through the opening to get the fuck huge huge back in the dogs keep acting like they want to go out and then they're fucking crack and they come oh my god so chaley runs to the house and he's running like this like waving his hands over his head like he's swatting flies like he's gonna get the lightning away from him but waving it off it was fucking hilarious uh so that would be the funny thing like if it did strike me and like what was he doing right before he was waving his hands over his head swatting gnats it would be a funny that's the last you ever saw of shaley

i i got some notes here of shit that i go i wanted to say that but it's that's too far gone but uh we'll get to'll get to the end of last night where I take it down. Our lights come back on. Power was out for about three hours. Three hours. You guys are in control. You know how the bar works. I'm taking a sleeping pill.

I'm going to bed. I'm in the fucking house. I'm in my fucking socks and underwear And we're seeing who's still left in the funhouse on the cameras Let's paint this picture Doug's wearing a pair of Saks underpants The boxer briefs Always be branding

And he's wearing the little, I call them sockettes They're the ankle socks that you prefer Burner socks I just want to give everyone that picture. Yeah, and I take a look at the fucking security cameras to see who's still in the funhouse. There's a party drifting down, and then I look at the fucking camera that's on the street.

By chance, you were so tired and you were going down that you thought you heard me and Becker somewhere around. So you went to look at that. I kept thinking I was hearing that you guys had shown up, which I hadn't been here all night. And Becker was in New Mexico and you knew that, but I didn't know if he's coming home.

I know. But you'll be that storm. Who knows? I'm establishing your state of mind at the time. Yeah, and I'm fucking drunk. Yes. And fighting a downer now when I see this local fucking scumbag. One of the reasons that we have fucking cameras is this piece of shit fucking...

80% of the reason is because of this guy. Seriously. When we first built the funhouse and the fence like 12 years ago, he was originally hired as fucking hump work by Shawnee and was like almost immediately fired. Day laborer. Yeah. And then he's come around he's

a fucking he's a gulch rat if you can still call him that when they're fucking 40 i think you're giving him the benefit of the doubt well he's like been run out of town a few times and he's been fucking jailed many times and he's just a fucking wicked pile of shit. And we've found him. He's shown up at my door when he thinks no one's here. And then you come out and he's like, oh, yeah, I was just, my battery died. And I was like, you have no reason to be in this neighborhood.

This street is not on the way to anything. Show me the battery. Yeah, where's the battery? You don't own a car. That's my car you're pointing at. What the fuck? That pacer's mine. And he always has some fucking excuse, and he's like, when I've been on the road,

he's shown up when Tom Konopka was here, and Tom came out, can I help you? Oh, I helped build this place. He did that one time when he stuck his head over the fence and I was in a mood. I go, what the fuck are you doing here? Don't ever come here. I fucking helped build this place. I go, you got fired from building this place.

And Shawnee, who fired him, is right next to me. But he's on acid and wants no part of it. Tom did great because we always have someone here. When we're on the road, there's always a caretaker on the property. But Tom was fucking awesome. He's like, I don't fucking know you. Get the fuck out of here. It was so fucking good.

Well, this guy, he's also one of those guys that will fight at the drop of a hat, almost always lose, but he'll fucking swing. So I'm looking at it, and I'm looking at it right now. This is what i see in my fucking socks and underwear as i'm about to go to bed is him with you say a two by four but when i went out i i think it was metal he's got like i said that's like that's six feet fucking long if that's metal that's like what you would call it. If he's 5'10". That would be tube steel. So it's not like rebar. It is like a rectangle of metal.

Yeah. Could be aluminum, though. Yeah, it could have been that. Whatever it is, he's like 6' long, and he's carrying it like a baseball player puts his arms over with the thing. I was thinking more like a hobo with a bindle stick a giant bindle stick yeah oh yeah because i mean it's as tall as clearly clearly anyway he's i'm watching him looking through the fucking windows and i'm like that's him i'm not gonna fucking say it's even his nickname well he stops at the in the in the fence there are cutaways where you can see into the yard. He stops at every one and peers in to what's going on.

It's fucking midnight and it's raining. Yeah. On a fucking dark. There's lightning still. On a dark side street where he doesn't live. Yeah. He doesn't live anywhere. He's fucking homeless.

So I guess he does live everywhere. And I just fucking snapped, and I just ran out in my fucking socks and underwear in the fucking rain. Get the fuck out of my, what are you fucking doing here? And he gives me his usual shit. This is the picture I'm showing right now. I mean, I know no one can see this. I'll post them. this i'll post them but uh you and me you went out of the door you were in your sockets and your underpants and you immediately confronted him because he was clearly being creepy looking in

like peering into areas where there's no activity on the other side of the next door there's there's a good one where i'm fine yeah that's the fighty one yeah that's doug stanhope fighting dude you had him on his back foot about the whole fucking time. You did not back down, which I don't like because that's... If he were to take one swing with that thing, which I don't know

if he's even carrying it as a weapon. I thought he was going to try and bust it in the car. I'm sure part of my brain was going, oh, Bingo's aware of this. She'll go tell the fucking 18 dudes in the fun house that this fucking guy's out here with a club and I'm in my underwear fucking trying to fight him. But no one showed up except for that guy who does the biz beans and rice, who was so fucking hammered. He walked right. He's parked right there.

He walked. He walked right through, jumped in his car and went, hey, thanks for the party. He threw it, jumped in his car, and went, hey, thanks for the party. The video before that, a half hour before, I see him sitting in the fun house, and he's telling a story with his gal pal, and everyone's having drinks, because you're already in bed. And then I see him 30 minutes later walk by you like, it's not our business. We don't have anything to do. Get in his car and drive by you to leave.

As you are yelling. It wasn't even a, this is none of my business. It was, he didn't even know that there was a problem. He was just drunk and saying, hey, thanks for the party. Oh, he said thank you while you're struggling with a piece of metal with this fucking crazy man. I mean, you were in your, Doug, you were in your underpants and sockettes. Okay, well, the worst part is that our neighbors also don't know that this is an issue. One of them realizes this is an issue.

Yes. David's son, I still don't fucking know his name because I wanted to call him and thank him. He came out in his socks and went, hey, I just see you should really break it up and let it go. And then I noticed Bruce's home. He's in his picture window staring out. He didn't come out and help me. He's a fucking 260 pound, six foot five fucking black guy. Yeah, he could have probably made fucking Tranny Danny hustle off.

Now he's waving at me in front of his computer. So, yeah, Danny walked away. Now, I don't really know anything about hand-to-hand combat or anything, but I'll tell you what I did notice. I have been assaulted. I have been in a couple of altercations because I got a big fat mouth when I got a microphone in front of me. It's a crazy thing.

That microphone gives you a lot of balls. In a live situation, there's a thin line between being entertaining and really honking someone off. But the person who assaulted me, I immediately went into a defensive posture, which I saw that you did here here is that you get as close as you can to them so that because he can't take a swing as this fucking weapon even if he wanted to because you are holding it and you're right next to him he can't even punch you without letting go of the weapon you did a really good thing because you kept him on his back foot the whole time and you stayed close to him. And I didn't wear my usual white leather driving loafer, which would have been very slippery.

You may not have had the traction. Wet socks have better traction. Absolutely. That's frog feet. Frog feet, dude. But yeah, David's son, who's in his 40s anyway, he's like, I'm in my socks too. And you own slip-ons. That's the fucking craziest thing.

But I saw him at what seemed to be my fucking door like he's coming in. And I ran. I didn't even grab a fucking weapon. Yeah. No, clearly. You grabbed his. I'm not going then we uh then we called the well we called a personal number of a cop and said hey he was on duty thank god you know i had to pour over the footage we found it and everything we

isolated we took these pictures and then this morning when i was thinking about it and then tracy and i were talking about it i thought this is like a one of those shit bags who when there's a power outage in new york they just start walking around that's why there's curfews there there's still lightning strikes there's still a threat of rain there's been it started raining again but there's curfews. There's still lightning strikes. There's still a threat of rain. It started raining again. But there's a... This is in the fucking... There are trees down.

That's how violent the winds are. Why are you fucking cruising around? Well, that's when he left. I go, why are you even on this street? You have no reason to be here at fucking midnight in the middle of the fucking pouring rain. I know plenty of people around here. And that's when he walked off. You have no business to be here at fucking midnight in the middle of the fucking pouring rain i know plenty of people around here and that's when he walked off this is you have no business to be here you're

fucking up to no good and he also told me because back to prison and that that straightened him up a bit the the power just went back on like two hours before that and houses if there's no one in there no one's resetting any lights to turn back on if they've got i remember saying that i remember saying uh he goes i the only reason i don't fucking hit you is because you're fucking and i go uh really uh i've seen you fight it's on youtube and you suck and he goes that guy the only reason he tries to qualify why he lost the fight and went to jail yeah he doesn't have the internet so he has to do the YouTube comments in person

the only reason that guy beat me is because of fucking so that was last night and hopefully we'll have more fun stories you were keyed up because we came back and we were looking for the footage which wasn't hard to find but at the same time you didn't have You were keyed up because we came back and we were looking for the footage,

which wasn't hard to find. But at the same time, you didn't have any recollection as to when it happened. I was looking for 40 minutes in the wrong hour block because you had no idea what time it was. Yeah, I had to guess. Yeah, that's all right. Well, that's, again, a good reason to stop and reflect and take some time off so you don't get fucking angry at comedy specials and idiots' emails and fucking negative tweets to the point where you're fucking jumping off a stage

to fucking go after a guy or running out your underpants in the rain to fight a vagrant. Yeah. This is just hateful. I'm not going to do that. Do you have any thank yous for the week? Okay, let's do the thank yous. While I was away away i'm not going to pronounce your name right but you know who you are khalud fakhi uh she lives she's a a a long-term

tweeter at me and always tries to get me to play egypt and i always say no fucking way. You don't have booze or fucking civil unrest or whatever the fuck goes on over there. There's no fucking way I'm going anywhere near the Middle East. And she's like, you don't know,

Egypt is the most progressive and it was that day where this is the most beautiful place in the world. Then why are you driving a cab in New York? Jesus Christ. Well, she lives over there.

She's from, and that, like, one of those interchanges were, it was that day where some Egyptian, like, pop singer was imprisoned for doing a too sexy video. She goes, oh, that's not normal. Well, it fucking happened, so no, I'm not coming. It's very much like the Thailand situation. it fucking happened so no i'm not coming it's very much like the thailand situation uh but she sent us uh she said bingo flowers and cake and cupcakes which bingo can't eat cupcakes she's on a weird diet and you're all on weird fucking diet so i brought those cupcakes down

to the ladies at the bank oh you did yeah here's cupcakes for no reason because the ladies at the bank are fantastic and i love them and they love me and when the bank got they kind of robbed by the worst bank robber ever it's just fucking bisbee slapstick uh so i brought yeah i brought him i brought him uh donuts and pastries then and then one time when I went fucking ape shit on their customer service and they heard about it, I brought them. Like, I'm sorry, I get angry and yell at customer service sometimes, but I didn't

know it'd get back to you at this branch, but it did. Ah, fuck this guy's name. Mike Goldbach from Coon Rapids minnesota sent us the most badass vintage smoking sign it has a it's like a two-foot like ceramic plasticky cigarette and then hanging from that underneath it says smoking area. It's legit, old vintage. It's fucking great. We're going to hook you up with some stuff ourselves.

I'm going to take some stuff out of the eBay yard sale, which will be happening in August, middle of August. Stay tuned to send to you. Someone in New York gave me a Packers jersey. I'm not a Packers fan, a Packers jersey. I'm not a Packers fan. But he knows that this is a house of Packers fans.

Most of the football people around here are Packers fans. But he had it printed with the name on the back as Popov, which is very cool. And I thought, well, you know what?

I'm going to re-gift this to either Andrew or Brad because it's a medium. And they're the only two mediums. You don't see a lot of medium. Yeah, uphills a lot. XL. Packer fans are generally extra, extra stuff. So that's going into the eBay art sale where the other thing that I'm giving to that guy for the smoking sign.

Yeah, sometimes your shit gets regifted. I can't start a schism between Brad and Andrew over who gets the pop-off Packers jersey. That seems like a get. Whoever gets it, they could brag that they're in your favor. Someone, I think this is the person, Antoine Charvet. I don't know. Sometimes you don't know if I should use people's real names because they might be sending this from fucking on the works dime.

Yeah, but I get free FedEx. I'll send it. Yeah, I think this is you. I'm a little fucked up, but someone, I think this is the name, sent me a whole FedEx folder of really shitty 80s ties. There you go. 80s? Yeah, like something you'd wear with Z Cavaricci jeans.

Yeah, padded shoulders. No, they're really, yeah. Padded shoulders in your coat. Thin, silky. Send them to Paula Poundstone. Oh, no, those are already at your thrift store. Hey, that is a plug, your thrift store. And when I went to your thrift store to give them these ties,

they go, hey, here's some pants you might like. And I go, I think those are my pants. And I looked at them, and my name tag is in the back, because Evil E, when Evelyn would do my tailoring, she'd put in tailored by Evil E and property of Doug Stanhope. And I go, I just found two pairs of pants, because Redbone in Bisbee has a Doug Stanhope rack and a bingo rack of our clothes that we've given away that we...

Gently used? Yeah, they were fucking gently used when we bought them. I can't shop there at Redbone. Because I go and I go, oh, I'm going to get this. And I look at the tag, it goes, Doug Stanhope. I'm like, oh, that's right, I brought it here. Yeah, if you visit Bisbee, please visit Redbone on Subway Street and buy some of their clothes or our clothes. They can be your clothes.

Johnny Smith. Sounds like a guy on the land, but it's his real name. Johnny with the land. Fake name. It's his real name, Johnny with the H. He's a photographer, and he sent us some very cool fucking photographs he did. One where it's a girl's crotch, but he made it into Pee Wee Herman coming out of the crotch. It's really good. The bathroom, the toilet one, Johnny Smith. JohnnySmith.com if you want to look at his work.

Wait, that guy got johnnysmith.com? Yeah. Jesus, early adopter. So yeah, go check out his work. It's fucking great. And we just had our bathroom redone, which I know it sounds like a lofty thing. It's still a Motel 6 style bathroom.

It's got a toilet, a tiny sink, and one of those stand-up showers. But we just had it redone. No window. And the only picture that I have up there is a picture of three urinals that I stole from Man Cow once when I had to do his

fucking horrible show. So I stole it from the man cow bathroom, and it's been in my bathroom since we've lived here. And now this toilet picture is going up as the new addition to our newfangled lavender and orange motel six bathroom. Uncle Bill in his will left us that hula girl made by some famous artist who I don't remember. That's very cool. It is interesting that to secure that to whatever they had it to before,

they put a lag bolt right through her pussy and then painted it so you didn't see the galvanized steel. They said it was not that color. I mean, this is decades old. They go, she was never, she seems to be like a Tahitian skin tone. But they said that's mostly nicotine stains. I know the wig is glued or affixed somehow. I thought it was just laying there. Did you see that Funhaus postcard?

It's a vintage. That's fucking great. And that other one, that's kind of racist, but it's still funny. Someone sent you those? Yeah, they're just old vintage cards. Postcards. Oh, wow, they're not even used. A guy from Modern Drunkard that I just didn't interview. Hey, check out

Modern Drunkard. It's still a magazine online. It's still good for drunks. Hey, check out Modern Drunkard. It's still a magazine online. It's still good for drunks. And oh, and fuck, who sent that? Maybe that was... Oh, this is here. This is Christopher. I was bored one night on eBay and came across these Delta items. I go on eBay a lot and buy old vintage Delta. I got a 1966 suit bag and vintage pins and shit. He sent me a whole bunch of vintage Delta shit, like an old school. Like logo, branded. Yeah, branded.

And I never bought one, but I saw them all the time. It's the best, is they have Delta box cutters. What? Yeah. So he sent me a Delta Airlines box cutter. I don't know why, but they didn't know it was going to be funny in the future.

Wait, you're telling me I can't enter the plane? I have to go... Is this your to i would i came through security i i told them delta issued it it must be wearing my delta uniform with my delta pin and my delta fucking socks i have a whole i have a i have a very excessive cabinet full of Delta first class plateware, you know? Yeah. Plates and bowls and shit. Yeah, they give you your meal, and I send it back. It's one item short.

They don't notice. It's not coming out of their pocket. I have my eye on an eBay item. I'm waiting for the auction to finish. The Delta C4. They had a little starter pack. Explosives. Oh, I see your joke there.

Do you see what I'm doing there? Alright, this is one thing. I want to give this kid's name out. Because this kid that murdered his mother and he was a fledgling stand-up comic, but he was out of his tit. He murdered his mother for whatever reason.

Like recently or a long time ago? A couple of years. Recently. And then he just went to New York, and he thought he was going to be on Saturday Night Live. He thought he was supposed to take over for Lorne Michaels. Texted his sisters pictures of him on the set of Saturday Night Live. Then went, he said, I'm banned for life. He pleaded insanity and won because he was clearly insane.

So is Rage Against the Machine, though. I mean, he's in good company. Rage Against the Machine, though. I mean, he's in good company. Rage Against the Machine is also banned from Saturday Night Live. No, no, no. I skipped a part. I was saying he was banned for life from the Comedy Cellar. He said, because of my delusions, I thought I was taking Lorneaels place when i was there

and i i said i was also hitting on amy schumer and i i wrote back i go that probably helped seal the deal and getting the insanity plea and uh then i go i i would hope amy schumer would laugh at that it was a joke and i wanted to it, but then it would be the same thing as the Hannah Gadsby with fucking people thinking I'm seriously. We're comics. Let us fuck with each other. You stay out. You watch. Quietly.

So I want to give out his. I want to give out his. I shouldn't do this. I was going to give his... No, don't put his name out. There's no reason to. Well, I tweeted about him, and then I told him I tweeted about him,

and a lot of people said, oh, yeah, I remember. He was a nice guy. He was just really fucked. And he goes, oh, please take that down, because I still have a father and two sisters that are grieving, and I'm not supposed to be anywhere

around social media. You can use email in the crazy house. You can smoke in the crazy house. I should fucking plead insanity to something. I don't know. This ending is going nowhere. We're going to end this with Uncle Bill. Yes.

And Floyd. Here's to you. Here's to the fallen guests of the Doug Stanhope podcast with Uncle Bill. Yes. And Floyd. Here's to you. Here's to the fallen guests of the Doug Stanhope podcast. Uncle Bill, Whiskey Girl, Nowhere Man. That's three. Yeah. Laura Kimball. Laura Kimball,

Ralphie May, and Sean Rose. Here's to you. And here's a previously never before heard audio And here's to you, and here's a previously never-before-heard audio of Uncle Bill and Floyd talking about what it's like to be about to die. My hernia makes the same sounds as Floyd's poop bag just made. You heard that? Oh, bingoes. You heard that?

Oh, I heard it. And bingoes heard my hernia, where she's like, you got to get that fixed. I can't. Thanks, Obama. All right. Let's go. Who makes louder noises than that? So does mine. Yeah, it's harsh.

They're bragging. You still know when something's coming. Mine has to go in the toilet. Yours goes in a bag. Yeah. His is easier to clean up than yours, Doug. Yes and no. There's no hair around his bag hole. What?

No, there's no hair. There's no hair. The benefits. So now I pour a little champagne on the top. On top. Put some ice in there. Get some ice in there. Those aren't cold.

The real drag is when you wake up in the midnight. It's like a fucking balloon. You got farted so much. It's like, oh, yay, yay. Oh, dude, if you could twist your colostomy bag into balloon animals, you would do so much better. T-M-C-E-I. Too much colostomy bag into balloon animals. T-M-C-O-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L-O-N-E-R-A-L- They all look like shit. German chocolate. They all look like shit. You said German chocolate. Every time you hit record off.

It's recording. I know. That's why. Hurry up because mod's on. What a great way to start. I'll speak fast. Are we live? Yes, we're live in that it's taped and Chaley will edit it.

But this is what we call an evergreen. This is when I'm on the road or I'm fucked off. There's nothing time sensitive about this podcast, so we can put this out whenever. But Uncle Bill is our neighbor on the street next door. He lives beside Chaley, and he's adjoined to the chaos and noise. So when he bought the house, we're like, oh, fuck. I hope this guy is cool. His son,

backdoor Mike, because they can come in through the backdoor because they're on the adjoining street. This is dad. This is Uncle Bill. Wait, that's why we call him backdoor Mike? For now. I thought Deb finally made a decision.

See, it's not an evergreen if finally made a decision. No, my kid. See, it's not an evergreen if you do a callback to an old podcast. It doesn't matter. Good thing I'm editing. We've always used the back door. I mean, that's the quickest, easiest way to the fun house. I mean, that's it. Right.

That could mean a lot of things. It's a secret entrance. Yes. Only you and the Chalys know about it and backdoor mike and one time i had to evade a uh a process server by using the backdoor that you know are it's like it's a good escape hatch yeah we have we have a lot of escape hatches we're paranoids we think oh all the shit's going to come down. Here they come. Yeah. Let's bury our Bitcoin in a fucking ditch.

And backdoor to the fun house is going to be my book title. So, Uncle Bill, you just you lured me in with a colostomy story because Floyd is here. Because you can't write this shit. The last thing I read about a colostomy was our boy Chucky. Hang on, let me back up a little more. Charles Bukowski. Okay. Uncle Bill, you're 72. Swung.

71. Sorry. You look 72, but we had a long night. I've had a long life. You showed up as this beacon of hope one night. I just came back from the doctor. He says I'm perfect. And I actually brought you up in one of these interviews I've done on one of the Opie and Jimmy. I just did a huge book tour where I never go to doctors, but I want to go just hoping I get.

You've led a fucked up life. You chain smoke, you drink, and then you were kind of laying off the drinking because you're worried. And then you went to the doctor and they go, clean bill of health. And you showed up here going, make me a vodka and water because I said, I'm drunk. Yeah, you were very drunk.

You were really annoying. Because we were sober. It's a reason to celebrate. And we celebrated with you, even though we were dead sober and you were shit-faced at like 6.30. Usually you guys are drunker than I could ever get. But that was a surprise. I don't know. I don't know.

Fuck it. Here I am. I got to do my show. Well, congratulations on your clean bill of health after a lifetime of, because a lot of my fans, I fucking hate that word. A lot of my audience, listeners, your friends will take this as the wrong omen. Oh, if that guy's 71 and he lived this life and he's got a clean bill of health, I'm just going to go haywire. I'm not saying that you should do that, listener, but it worked for Bill.

I think you should do that, listener. Yeah. And, you know, if you listen to me, you've got no chance. But roll. I say roll. Roll. Roll it. Let's roll.

Just do it. He used to say that. Roll it. Let's roll. Just do it. He used to say that before the fake 9-11 story. Oh, way before that. Way before that. So I'm with the VA, who I applaud, by the way. The VA is good to me and has always been good to me. Hear, hear. What branch of service?

United States Navy. Faggot. always been good to me here here what branch of service uh united states navy i did it i did a year in georgia and two years in mississippi and not one fucking bullet pinko crossed my line on my watch not one think about it think about the invasion of mississippi fucking hometown pussy too nobody not one thank you for your service you're more than welcome and it was tough that's why i supply the plastic jug vodka for you sir god thank you and i love bob's vodka it's good it's very. So you get a clean bill of health, but you had to go through a battery of tests. Invasion. It's an invasion.

Colonoscopy, up your ass. Next one, I'm unconscious because I said to the doc, am I going to be out when you do all this? He said, oh, yeah. Because you're narcoleptic at your age and he says well who wants to be awake when somebody's putting tools and cameras up your ass and down your throat and you're not on ecstasy nothing i'm not going in there i want knockout do they have the option and he says to me i hope you're not here for that and And I said, well, I ain't doing it without being knocked out. So we go into the knockout.

Anyway, I get the letter. I'm cleared. For the rest of my life, I do not have to have another colonoscopy. Colonoscopy. For 10 years, he says, you're cleared for 10. You'll be 81. If you get colon cancer, it takes 10 years to kill you. I said, yeah, I get it.

By that time, something else will be getting me, or I could be dead by then. See, I would be going, you mean it's 10 years before you stick something up my ass? No. I love you, Doc. He says, if you want to, we'll do it. And I said, I don't think so.

Yeah. It ain't the up the ass. Just on weekends. Because you're out. I'm not an addict. Right. And just don't use the same camera that you go up my ass to go down my throat. iPhone?

I mean, you know. Anyway, I get this letter that says I'm clear. I read it. I said, oh, hallelujah. First you frame it, and then you come over here. No, I just decided to go bar hopping and celebrating my ass. Oh, wait. We never showed you this.

celebrating my ass oh wait we never showed you this was we can't it's not good for the podcast but did uh backdoor mike your son tell you that you're on tv and i yes i saw it you did see it arizona highway show yes pbs show a local pbs show ari. Yeah. And I'll watch a basketball game or a fight and not even watch the event. I'm watching Idiots in the Background. And I go, look at that fucking cunt. She's texting during the knockout and doesn't even notice or whatever. I'm just. So this Arizona Highway show is about Bisbee. They're doing a Bisbee edition.

And we like to celebrate our unknown town and then twice while i'm watching it i'm not even watching the bullshit this morning show like weather girl lady like gorgeous by the way who knows who knows if she's gorgeous she's dumb as shit so i'm just watching the background to see if there's anyone I know. And I just see Uncle Bill smoking cigarettes out in front of St. Elmo's bar. And then later on in St. Elmo's bar, annoying someone with your long story. Of course.

That's what I do. It's my nom de plume. This is like pulling features out of the Zapruder film. You pick that out, and we had to stop it and go back and then forward and then back to just figure out. And we figured out because of the denim jacket that he wears with Marilyn Monroe on the back. Yeah.

That's why he was in the presentation pilot that we filmed. We do the DUI test where I'm sober and he's drunk just to see if a younger drunk guy can beat a guy who's sober and old on a track. And I failed miserably, as the policeman told me. Yeah, he was a real policeman too. And I failed because I'm also disabled. I have bad everything. Except you have a clean bill of health.

My innards are good. The body's fucked. Knees, back. What's that quote from Grumpy Old Men? The flesh, the mind was willing, but the flesh was weak. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so I read the letter, and I'm elated, and I get drunk.

Watch your drinks. The cat's coming through. I see it. I feel like you're just rubbing your clean bill of health in on Floyd over here. I feel bad. Like, ah, look at me. I don't have any kind of ass cancer whatsoever well i got lucky devil you get this cat out of here on purpose i mean believe me it's cool it's cool i'm good

anyway here's where i'm going my sister from honolulu calls and we're chatting and i read her the letter from the doctor to assure her that I'm okay because, you know, family, they worry. And that's in Honolulu. That's my history. Honolulu is the only people you can call at that hour because it's great. She called me. All right. And as I read the letter, at the end, it's signed.

Now I fall apart. It's signed by my doctor, whose first name is Anis. A-N-I-S. His last name is Hana. Anis Hana. I said to my sister, what are the odds that if your parents name you anus, you're not going to be an ass doctor? This guy is an ass doctor because of his mother and father. Anus! I'll show you the fucking ladder.

When I opened up a bank account here, it was Bank of America at the time. The Hispanic girl, her name was Anal, but it's spelled anal. It was everything in my power to not keep saying, well, anal, I wanted to get a check. I go, I have to live here. It's a small town, but I wanted to keep saying anal.

Remember we ate sushi at Anal Hana. It was not too bad. No, I mean, Doug, that's the truth. No, it's my story. I believe you. It's like my sister is now on the ground getting up laughing. You know, she says, oh, oh, Billy, you have the funniest ass stories I've ever heard in my life. First time I got it done when it was all over.

When you were 16. Well, no. Your first paper route money. Yeah. I love things that shoved it up my ass. I love things that get shoved up my ass, but only in a fun way. But this wasn't fun. And the first one I had, before that, I had an anal cyst on my ass. And, of course, I go to doctors on duty. I had an anal cyst on my ass. And, of course, I go to doctors on duty.

I had an anal cyst on my lip. Yeah. How I got there, I have no idea. I don't know. Anyway, of course, I get the most beautiful blonde doctor to be cutting on my ass. And we're talking about Bisbee, Arizona. It took a biopsy? And the cactus yeah okay

and lancing it because it was like a thing no no that's what a biopsy right no and we're talking about all this to take a a specimen yeah that's no she's lancing a fucking boil yeah on your ass is this on your asshole? Your ass cheek? The sphincter muscle. My dad had some kind of cyst that came through his ass cheek but went into his rectal cavity. So he was shitting through a small hole above his asshole. It's like if you had a like a fisher yeah an anal fisher and my dad who never spoke with curse words nothing but he goes yeah after he had the surgery

he said i know you probably thought your dad was an asshole but you never knew he was a double asshole and we fell out because he just didn't say asshole ever. Now, that's funny, because I know about your dad from the book now. Oh, thanks for plugging my book, Digging Up Mother, available now. Drink. Oh, shit. Tracy's back. Wearing her killer termites gear.

Tracy had an incident of throwing up from a hangover. Oh. Okay. Let's get back to Uncle Bill. Uncle Bill, you had this hot chick digging a knife into your asshole. Hot chick digging my ass, and we're talking about Bisbee. And you're complaining about this. I'm waiting for my lawyer's call.

When he gets done with the case, we're driving to Bisbee to visit and get fucked up. Hang on, hang on. Back up for a second, Bill. You have a lawyer's case about your anal cyst? No. My lawyer's driving to Bisbee. He wants to see it. He wants to see your anal cyst?

No, he wants to see Bisbee. I got you. He wants to see your anal cyst? No, he wants to see Bisbee. Oh, I got you. So we get done, and I leave, and he calls 2 o'clock in the morning. You ready? Yeah, and I've been ready. I've been waiting for you to finish the case.

We drive to Bisbee. They want to sell me one of these things I got to sit on for $90. they want to sell me one of these things I got to sit on for 90 bucks. I go to Kmart and buy a froggy float that kids with frogs on it. A pool float. Blow it up and sit on it. Yeah, instead of a hemorrhoid donut, you get a fucking pool float. Kitty donut. A couple bucks.

First stop, we pull in on the way to Bisbee to a truck stop, walk in. I walk in with my froggy and sit on it. It's all truckers and palmols and coffee. He orders tea, and I'm sitting on the froggy thing. I think we're going to get the shit knocked out of us any minute. And I start talking about how bad we are. I'm picturing like an actual frog's head coming off the back of this pool float. Like a hole. Like it's a donut, but there's a frog head sticking out the back of his chair.

Well, I was picturing it out the front, like him holding on to the head. And Omar's triple T. Tucson reference. Anyway, I'm just prefacing this for my first colonoscopy. Now that I hook up with the VA, and they run you through every test in the world right away to make sure you're okay. My first colonoscopy i go in i'm talking to the male nurse and he says well dr jane so-and-so will be with you

shortly and i said what is it with me and my ass the chicks This is the second time I get women doctor chicks. Women messing with my ass. Right? It's like a pattern. I didn't know that the doctor

Dr. Jane was right around the corner. And she walks around the corner and looks at me and says you're just lucky Bill. You're very lucky.

You're lucky to be 71 years old and have perfect hair. I have good ass. And beautiful hair. And why would you was, why is it I want a dude in my ass. Why would you be bitching about women

being in your ass? Catholic. Catholic. You need to be more. I feel like there should have been. Case closed. Like a hand over. Nuns. Nuns.

Priests. Don't even say anymore. You're used to growing up as a young boy Catholic. Like, why would a woman do this to me? A man did this to me. This is awkward. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, she gives me my Colossus, and everything's cool.

I'm cleared first time three years. All right. So I walk out, and she comes out with pictures. And I got to watch it. It was on TV right in front of me. Is it like when you go down the flume and you get off the ride and they have pictures of you

going, ah! Yeah, exactly. You can buy the picture. A different kind of Thunder Mountain. Just spray flying past you. I was moaning. There was moaning, not screaming. Oh.

Anyway. Wait, you were awake during that one? Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, the first one. And I said, can I have some of them? This is going to make great dinner conversations. Pictures of my colon.

I mean, come on. Do you want to talk about this while we're dining? Bill, when's the last time? You moved in about, what, eight months ago? October. When's the last time you had dinner company? Never. Oh, no. That's because you have colon pictures as a centerpiece in the foyer.

On the wall. Around the dinner table. And that's why no one comes over. That's why you have to come here. We don't come to you. Maybe I should take them down for dinner. Anyway. I know you're all thinking it.

I'm all done with her. And we're leaving. And she gives me the photos. I'll find them. And I'll bring them up someday while we're dining. Anyway. TMZ already released them. When I get up, I said said can i ask you one thing

doctor she says what she says i said can you like give me a hug and she looks at me and i said you've been closer to me than anybody i've known. So come on. And she did. She gave you a hug and off I went. So I've got an ass doctor named Anus and a proctologist broad that hugs me. That has a sense of humor. Yeah. See, Bill Cosby just chucked him out of the house with his hired driver. And that's the difference.

It's just like Chad Shank says with road rage issues. If they just wave and say, sorry, I cut you off, you'd give them a break. If you just give them a hug after you shove iPhones up their ass and take random pictures on Snapchat, you'll give them a hug afterwards. Yeah. It's that simple. That's a evergreen podcast with Uncle Bill who will be here for a limited time only, and I mean in the long since.

Thank you, Mr. Stanhope. And one thing to all you people out there, get that freaking book, Digging Up Mom. Digging Up Mother, man. people out there get that freaking book digging up mom digging up mother man it is a joy ride that you'll probably never get over that's all that's a fucking plug that was a unsolicited plug honest yes totally i'm fresher on the book all right thank for being here, Uncle Bill. Oh, I just... He high-fived me. How did he knock over a drink and it not spill? I know nobody can see that,

but Doug stand up and Uncle Bill just missed. Two high-fives. We did an elderly high-five and after the second miss, he hit my drink and knocked it over It was left handed and I'm right handed Hey you missed the high five

That's why They just missed it again They did a slow motion and they missed it Now it's gay You guys are clinching hands Oh jeez And on the missed high fives Now he just asked him for a blow test

Wrap it up. I've got to find a bar rag. Hey, bar rag, find me a bar rag. Love, soft as an easy chair. Love, precious like morning air. Oh, one love that is shared by two, I will share with you. It's love, precious, and ever, evergreen. Evergreen podcast.

Barbra Streisand. Don't quit your day job. I thought it was a love boat. So did I. Love, exciting and new. Love. Come aboard. We're expecting you. Oh, yeah.

Floyd. Bernie Coppola. I don't know why we didn't run Floyd against Uncle Bill for mayor, but there's always two years from now if any of us are alive. Well, Bill said it. – this is the continuation. This is – Bill said it was a 10-year. Not tenure. 10-year expectancy.

Being mayor in this town is like being in the pillory or something. It's like you just get shit thrown at you all the time. What's a pillory? I'm sorry. It's something in the old days they put you in to really... Stocks? Not stocks.

He mailed it to you and then everybody were locked in here. So when you said old... When you said the old times, you didn't mean in the 60s. I'm old. I told you I was old times, you didn't mean in the 60s. I'm old. I told you I was old. I always use Floyd as an example when I try to describe where this podcast is going. Still trying to find its voice.

It's trying to make light of the darkness. And I use Floyd as an example. When Floyd had ass cancer and they had to cut out and sew shut his asshole, I assume if there was a video, it would be like the nine-inch nails. Or is it Metallica, where the eyes are sewn shut? Yeah, that's Metallica. Metallica. I assume I picture Floyd's asshole often with heavy stitching from the 1920s holding it shut while he shits

through his stomach and we had a going away party live podcast for Floyd's asshole it landed him in divorce we've gone over it if you don't know the story then catch up on the podcast but i use that as one of the many examples of turning darkness into light and floyd is here i like that as part of the light it's a gut hole turning darkness into drinking again a couple times we've posted pictures and or videos of floyd for random reasons on the internet, and only a couple people recognize. They know Charles Bukowski, but they don't know that Floyd looks just like Charles Bukowski. I have an old friend, Alfredo Trifaris,

who lives in Seattle now, but he was an open micer I started with that looks just like Dr. Drew. And if I had any ambition, I would have put Floyd and Alfredo in a spoof of Celebrity Rehab where Dr. Drew tries to talk Charles Bukowski into, but Floyd can't act. I can act if I want to. I think. I don't know. What the hell?

What do I know? If you don't know what Charles Bukowski looks like, you wouldn't know what he sounds like. I have bad facial recognition stuff problems. Charles Bukowski was a writer. You don't know what he sounded like. That is true because we may have mentioned on a previous podcast, but I do remember the last time Brett Erickson was here,

he had on a hat and Floyd didn't know who he was. And then he took his hat off. He goes, oh, Brett Erickson. Oh, shit. So I can vouch for Floyd's bad facial recognition. I've had a lot of bad accidents in my life. Are you a hattist? I just have problems recognizing people.

Floyd, you're 65 now? Yes, sir. All right. So in a mayoral race, would you hold Bill's age? He's 71. Would you hold that against him him i don't know where this whole podcast i wouldn't hold it i wouldn't hold it against him but i might use it against him all right bill bill did a podcast and evergreen about uh things that went up his ass at an elderly age

and you have a colonoscopy story that you wanted to share with the listeners sometimes the colonoscopies go bad that was me that's the title shaley always calls me what do you want to title this podcast i'm going to use that against him hang on shaley always calls me what do you want to title that podcast sometimes colonoscopies go bad is the title of this all right tell me well you know my colonoscopy you know it was a fun ride you know because the you know like we it's like you know cool drugs and you know a ride down the hallway and let me back up you did have ass cancer they sewed up your asshole was that the only colonoscopy you had that was the one that went bad the one that went bad when they told me when

i came out of it that i had a malignant tumor on my butt and it had to be cut out and i would be you know one and done yeah it was it was ugly but at least I was under propanol at the time. So it wasn't so bad, you know. Propofol. Propofol? Yeah. Oh, no. No, you were under it. You didn't have to know it.

But anyway, you know, it was ugly, and the ride home was ugly. Because my ride home was my wife, and she told me that on the way I ride home, that if I didn't quit drinking, she'd leave me. First of all, you're driving home, and you're sitting down. I wasn't driving. Unless you have a limo or an RV with a bed where you can lie on your belly, the ride home after your asshole gets torn out has to be bad unless you're belly down. Oh, no.

I was flying high. I was fine on the ride home you're kind of a bottom as a top if you're sitting down when your asshole just got torn out of you it's it's kind of first time the colonoscopy is nothing compared to the colostomy you don't confuse the two. No, no, no, no, no. So what you're talking about was the ride home after the colonoscopy. The look-see. The look-see. All right.

Okay. That was when they said, oh, you know, you're going to have to have your butthole cut out. They didn't go into detail, but it was bad. You had an ultimatum before you lost your asshole to quit drinking. On the way home. From your wife. On the way home. No, no, no.

Floyd, you had an issue with your wife. Let's move on to your asshole. I had an issue. Hold on. Can I just say this? You can edit this shit. I know we can edit. I don't want to edit. I just want to say, Doug, we need to restate the fact that Floyd is a great drunk.

He is a guy who comes to the fun house, and he just drinks. He's not annoying. He took a year off after he had ass cancer and they cut his asshole out and sewed it shut can you sew it shut and he came he was as drunk as he's ever been after a year sober

he just beamed with joy and you're always happy and you're always seeming shit face seeming is the key word but you're always happy so shit-faced. Seeming is the key word. You're the town drunk, but you're always happy. Great drunk. So let's skip anything that could be put into court testimony

and get back to your asshole. I wouldn't want to get you sued. No, I'm talking about you, fuckface. I'm already sued. The only thing that's going to get sued is Doug referenced some Alice in Chains song. So that's the only thing that we're in for doing it so poorly.

And they showed their eyes shut and he's talking about an asshole. So it's not even really applicable. We're clear. We're clear. Go ahead. So what are we talking about there? Your colonoscopy. How did it go bad? It went bad in the fact that I had a fucking tumor

in the whole of it. And, you know, it was like. I'm going to back up to a friend named Travis Lipsky. Lipsky? Travis Lipsky, and he still is a haywire comic, but he's darkly brilliant, even though you disagree with him initially. But he used to do a bit about, you know, you're not a doctor. They could go in and say, we found a lump and it needs to be treated.

And you don't know what it is. They could have easily said, yeah, we found a malignant tumor, so we're going to do all these processes on you. You don't know if it's cancer. You're not a fucking doctor. They could have torn your asshole inside out and just kept milking you through the system where if you're a conspiracy theorist on the least level,

where you know that's how they make their money maybe you never had ass cancer and you're shitting into a bag so they could bilk your insurance company you ever think of that i i think of a lot of things and you know getting pranked like that is just like fucking awesome those guys are fucking high-fiving each other back in the fucking, you know, back room going, I got a new Mercedes. What do you got? Okay. I don't have an asshole, but you got a new

Mercedes. Let's face it. A hammer wants to hit a nail, right? They are looking for something that they can cure you of, right? Well, and continue to treat. I believe it, but the whole system was so screwed up. But you're just rolling the dice at this point.

Did you take the first guy's word for it, or did you have more than one doctor tell you that you had a watermelon in your ass they had to cut out uh what what was the question did you get a second opinion sorry no kind of yes kind of sort of yeah yeah i did yeah but i it just it was pretty obvious you know i was convinced it was from the same guy. No, I was convinced. Actually, the guy who did the colonoscopy actually had a colostomy one time. So he knew what he was talking about.

At one time, they cured him of a colostomy? There wasn't much doubt. Misery loves company. Well, I remember Floyd. You guys are high-fiving over a fucking colostomy. Floyd, you said that. Get your colonoscopy. What are bad? You got to go for it.

I'm just a plug for colonoscopies. Yeah, kids. You don't want to go through this shit. Yeah, kids, get your colonoscopy. So just to reiterate what happened, your diagnosis was the cancer was so close to the exit. The butthole. Yes. Bungaman.

As a gentleman would say. Beep. Exit point. It was so close to that that they had to. They took it all. That they had to. The tolerance wasn't there that they could avoid it. They had to go with it.

And then you went with the diagnosis. Sometimes if the tumor's up high enough, they can reconnect. Which my dad had. You can wear diapers for the rest of your life. You're incontinent. It's all complicated either way. It's all screwed up. It's a lose-lose.

Bag might be cleaner than that. You learn how to live with life totally different. Get your checkups. You don't want to go through this shit. You believe me. You do not want to go through this shit. I thought he was going to say, you get your drink on.

You get your drink on and get your checkups. There were stages of of life where like at a young age i could not imagine being like i am now which is like zero sex drive or little where you go i couldn't live like if i was as fat as I am, I'd want to kill myself. So as you get older, you go, it's not so bad. I'm slumped over a bar. I have no ambition, but I'm fine with it. Yeah, that fucking hussy. Yeah, I could fuck her, but I don't want to.

I couldn't imagine not wanting to fuck that girl duck i gotta ask you i can't imagine shitting into a bag i'd kill myself but i used to say that about a lot of things when i was 23 you had a bit of myself you had a bit about it i want to do a whole i'd love to do an album where I negate my first album like just vinyl? or cassettes? when I put out Sicko what if I'm one day

and I'm talking about the guy I've become just take my first album and talk about that fuck everyone that's listening write that down because I won't remember my first album talking about who I've become 20 years later, I'm just shitting on myself.

But I still think I'd kill myself before a colostomy bag. Well, thank you. Is that a suggestion? I'm not sure. I enjoy life still enough to put up with a lot of stuff you know at least i'm not voting for trump fucking yeah yet you while you know free colostomy bags i heard i heard that in california oh really free colostomy i thought it was bernie no no no no it's trump he doesn't know what a colossus he's throwing full ones out at the audience.

Merch. Colossus bag gun. It's his t-shirt. You would be surprised how much you value life when the chips come down and you're willing to put up with to enjoy another fucking day. Or drink. I said that in an interview today where i go yeah well because the book is about my mother's suicide and i i always say oh i i would have done it way earlier but i've

never been faced with that consequence and you don't know how much your opinion is going to change once you go oh fuck this is. And eventually it will be real. Have you had, Doug, have you had a checkup? Of the yin-yang? I've done a colostomy, a colonoscopy on myself. Not in Anchorage. Hold on, hold on. Doug, have you had one?

No, no, I had the hashtag Giz Stanhope uh colonoscopy i'm trying to i'm trying to take the temperature of the room so to speak i know we heard bill no i had the uh the anal wash what do you call it tracy douche the hydro colon therapy that's not. That's not even scientific. That's not even medical. Who talked you into that? You do this and you'll be fine. Oh, is it Colleen? That was in L.A., huh?

I saw all the psychics in colon wash stores when I was in L.A. That's that locked door at the comedy store? Hey, I told you, don't talk. So, Doug, you have not had a colonoscopy. Bill, shush it. Bill! Bill! Is Bill walking out mad?

No, he's still oblivious. No, he's headed towards the vodka. I told you, you can't talk off mic. So, Doug, you have not had a colonoscopy. No. I've had So, Doug, you have not had a colonoscopy. No. I've had one, blood, not... What the hell does that mean? Bing boom.

Oh, bad news? Put the camera up your ass. Yeah, I had one of those. I know you have. There's two kinds? How'd you know I have? Didn't we talk about it? Hang on.

I don't know. Hang on, Chaley. What do you mean by you had one, you had a blood test to see if... They can check they can check they can check without digitally to use an adult word.

Oh, they stuck a finger up your ass. I got no problem with that, but when I went to the mall, when I went to the mall when I went to the mall... We're not to restaurant ratings. When I went to the mall in Anchorage to get a... The mall? You got your ass checked at the mall? The mall?

This is a Becker joke. Was there chaos? It was... Did you valet your car to a guy with an orange vest while you were there? Hey, fuck you. This is before Obamacare. I went to the mall in Anchorage, the Sears Mall. At the sunglasses hut. I know saying the Sears Mall doesn't help,

but I'm trying to let everyone understand that's where I was. I really... Did you get a lube job at the same time? I really blackened Decker prostate exams. Okay, get it all out, and I'll tell you the details. Go ahead. We'll all shush. We'll all shush up.

At the Sears Mall in Anchorage on Northern Lights, they had a health fair. Yeah. That was our plug. Shout out. Shout out. I hope the salesman got a good commission off this. I think it was more for natives, but they let me come in, and I really thought I was going to have to pull my pants down

and someone was going to fucking do a little wazoo action, and they took blood, which it's a wash. I would almost rather. I would almost rather. I'm with you. Like, hey, no, you can take my pinky toe rather than you fumble around looking for a thing in my arm. You use my thumb rather than a needle. So that's the only time.

A fat thumb. Yeah. Your biggest digit. All right. Number two pencil. I didn't have to go to a mall, but I did have. Well, I know it's not as fancy for you in there. But I did have to go through the same thing,

and I had to have the propofol, which I asked them, will I be out? That's a Michael Jackson joke. Will I fuck kids? It's Michael Jackson. Their answer was no. Will this make me be a pop singer? You'll be in a twilight state,

which I had to look up later, and it's like where you're awake, but you never remember what you talked about. It's like being on a podcast. Ambient. Ambient. Hey, over here. I can hit that podcast.

And I was fucking terrified because I already have instructions to jenny like if i get old and start just ran i have secrets that people can't know and you didn't know what a podcast was no i'm not at that time but but but i have instructions to jenny like if i get some sort of disease where i just start saying shit that i probably shouldn't be saying somebody needs to put a pillow over my head or put something. Cause I got secrets that people shouldn't know. And then they're like,

well, you'll be awake and talking to us. Like, no, that can't happen. I, I'll either need to be awake or not. I am already ready to ditch the Shot Clog podcast moniker,

but the Doug Stanhope Blackout podcast. Easy. We can do it. We'll put up a Twitter, what do you call it? Fucking poll. Vote poll. Yeah. Actually, we know that you already say yes.

Well, it's easy for you to say that. It's not easy for me. I have to change everything. Well, no, you just started a new podcast. I know. I know. There's no rules to this. I just heard we were dropping the shot clog this past weekend.

What the fuck is a shot clog anyway? Exactly. I don't have a shot gag clog. That's the problem. A shot clog, it's an antiquated expression that means someone that you put up with because they're they're buying the drinks hey i'm the shot clog hey you want another drink even though i'm an asshole they come here because I buy the drinks. So it was, what do you call that? Fortuitous that it came up.

Not even. I'm guessing. I don't even know. Self-deprecating. I can buy my own drinks. So I thought I'll be self-deprecating that you're only here because I'm buying the drinks. But then you have to explain it too many times. Joe gets missed.

The Blackout podcast. You're buying 10.99 a gallon vodka? Google it. Can we do something that's shorter on Twitter? Blackout is equally as long as Shot Clock.

Just do fucking Doug Stano podcast. Who gives a shit? Fuck the Shot Clock. I'm not here for the drinks, believe it or not. Really? No. I actually can afford vodka on my own. You can afford $9 for a plastic fucking handle. Handle.

Handle. So what you're showing up for is the company, which is this is the best bar in Bisbee. And you should also buy the book. The book was fucking fantastic. And I also made it halfway through so far, and I can't even read. I'm going to go piss. I'm pissing in the middle of my podcast. Let's take a break.

Greg is good. Greg, I'd like to make... You can't talk unless you're on the mic. Yeah. Give him the mic. You've got to get on the mic. Put it in your mouth. Now, my marial opponent has had enough time.

I just have to say one thing in my benefit. Bill, Bill, before you start, you have to continue to talk without a break until Doug shows up. Go. Okay. Go. I've listened, and this is an informative show. Men and their asses. And it's important, boys, all you boys out there, get your asses checked.

It's very important. You can save some stuff going on. But in the political run, as my mayoral opponent opponent opponent yeah i simply say vote for the best asshole in town i i got a gut hole and i'm gonna go with the gut hole because you know and i by far stand this thing i have the best asshole you you've both been through some asshole things floyd has had his asshole taken out and we've never delved into what that means do you still have a hole there if we were to rape you and rape jokes are never funny unless it's floyd who just go ah do it it's funny do you have a hole there or is it actually sewn shut could we fuck you in the

belly and the ass and chad and i touch dicks and i know who's no deep no and no. I'm not asking if it's allowed. I'm asking if it's possible. Theoretically. And you sew them shut. My bad. Are there two holes? I have not looked. I don't want to look.

And all I know is that things are different. And it really works a lot better this way. You can't tell me you don't know if there's a hole in your ass anymore. I'm pretty sure it's gone, but it's not like I can see. You have an iPhone. I didn't think about that. Oh, my God. Oh my god. Hey, okay.

Watch your Twitter feed. It's going to come up. We all have iPhones for that matter. Alright. We'll find out on the Twitter feed. You really don't know if you have an asshole? No, I'm pretty sure I don't.

Because it's like stopped. I know, but you don't know. But you've looked. No, I haven't looked. How would you look? Have you ever? Mirrors? What the fuck century do you live in?

I don't want to look. I don't want to see my asshole. I never wanted to see my asshole. I looked when I was probably 13. If you had your asshole puttied up or sewn shut and you didn't know what was going on you would take a look you would think so I would hang on go ahead bill the VA I have this in my house I'll bring it over and leave it here I have a mirror that they gave me that's elongated and you can jack it around to look at your asshole.

AdamandEve.com That's our sponsor. I'll bring it over. And we can all one night take a look at our assholes and see what's cooking. I don't want to see. I love that the VA has monetized

a mirror. They really do. I believe it. I feel robbed that the VA has not given me mirror. They really do. I believe it. I feel robbed that the VA has not given me a butthole mirror. What the hell is this? What's behind me doesn't fucking matter. I would think that the first time I shit into a bag coming out of the delirium of whatever meds they give you, coming out of the delirium of whatever meds they give you, I would just instinct ghost reaction,

wipe my ass, even though it's coming out of the front of me. Oh, like a phantom movement. Like a phantom movement, yeah. Phantom pain. I actually sat on a toilet the other day and it really felt weird. I bought some toilet paper just in case somebody came over.

Nostalgia? To cover your tracks? I bought toilet paper in case I had guests. Look at all the money. He's just saving money on toilet paper. He's done. Drop the mic. How do you drop this mic?

That was great. That's it. Sorry if this podcast was a lot of people talking over each other, but it was worth it for us. We will be back to you with more shit soon, and thanks for listening. That was Uncle Bill. Floyd is at Arizona Lizard. Periscope as well.

Wait. Plural? Lizards or lizard? Arizona Lizards. A Periscope as well. Wait, plural? Lizards or lizard? Arizona Lizards, plural. At HDFatty for Chad Shank. At Greg Chaley, C-H-A-I-L-L-E. And I'm at Doug Stanhope. If you want to get a hold of Bill Clements, get a hold of Doug Stanhope, because I am off all internet.

Or just stop by his house at 209 Blackknob. And he still has a asshole. Or the fun house. We'll share the toilet seat. That's a podcast.