The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #270.5: If You Were A Cop Would You Let This Podcast Drive?

Episode Date: August 14, 2018

The title says it all. Someone should have stopped this early on. Recorded Aug. 13th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Mat Becker (@houdini357), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille. Don't miss out on Doug's 2018 eBay Yard Sale Aug 12 – 19th. Get on the Mailing List at [www.dougstanhope.com](www.dougstanhope.com) to get first crack at the items up for bid. STANHOPE MERCH - NEW! Chad Shank T-Shirts, “Popov Vodka Presents” VHS Tapes and the NEW KILLER TERMITES T-Shirt now available at [http://www.DougStanhope.com/store](http://www.DougStanhope.com/store) Bingo's Book - “Let Me Out: a madhouse diary” NOW AVAILABLE on AUDIBLE.com - [https://amzn.to/2mItJzn](https://amzn.to/2mItJzn) Chad Shank Voice Over info at [http://www.AudioShank.com](http://www.AudioShank.com) Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org) Closing song by “Shave and a Haircut” available iTunes and Amazon.com.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast all right pause is off well oh jesus hiccups jesus hiccups that's what they call it in the sound industry when you have dead air. Jesus hiccuped. I love that. Three days later, you get sound again. Just like in the Bible. I introduced Greg Chaley and Matt Becker, and then Greg Chaley said, oh, wait, it won't work.

This doesn't work. No, no one sees that. I started again. And then I said Jesus hiccuped because I wanted to repeat my joke. You know what he does? He puts it in the off corner so it's not a distraction. Because you know how many people, when they see a light, that they freeze up and they act like a jackass?

When you say off corner freeze up, don't try to use the vernacular of, I was going to go with English soccer. Oh, I don't watch English soccer. I only watch British soccer. British soccer is the best. So much better than that fucking ruggity teeth fucking English soccer. Ruggity teeth? Ruggity teeth.

Ruggity teeth? That's a thing. Put it in your bubbler and shove it up your rubbers. Put it in your bubbler and shove it up your rubbers. Yeah, Goofy said that. You ruggity teeth motherfucker. Can't believe they ever came close to beating us. Let's keep this evergreen.

Hey, what was in the news today? Stuff about bad things? Oh, man. Until that thing happened, and then we were really happy. That thing was breaking news. Well, the volcano, and then there was the plane thing, and then we were really... That thing was breaking news. Well, the volcano and then there was the plane thing and then there was the earthquake. Yes.

And there was terrorism. And the fucking... And shootings. Could you believe what Trump said? Shootings. Could you believe what Trump said? Oh, and then that other little puppy wearing a sweater. Sorry, you said Trump.

I'm trying to keep it really evergreen. Where I mentioned school shootings. In case in eight years Trump is in office, you're going to release this? I'm trying to keep it really evergreen where I'm a school student in case in 8 years Trump is in office he's going to release this hey welcome Rusty Dusty trust me we're going to be flying around the sun before that happens hey Rusty Dusty why don't you

trust me where's Battlescar Kenny to get in here and rap with Matt Becker oh my god fucking i hate rap you know i kenny and i've had an unspoken falling out i haven't seen kenny in forever he used to swing by but maybe i don't know what's going on with him but but the other thing is i did actually say i can't stand rap and i said it's like ridiculous and it was the only way to get certain cultures to be able to perform because otherwise they would just have to load and unload

equipment. Becker as racist as that might have come from. That is not. No. It's actually the truth. There are more white rappers than there are black. It's the old food stamp joke.

There's more white people on food stamps. Yeah, well, that's true. Well, there's more white people on food stamps yeah well that's true well there are more white people so yeah a lot of it comes down to numbers but we're this is not freakingomics podcast no you're right the doug stanhope okay you're right all right let's get back to uh but uh no i'm back to you no i'm back to you you are, I'm back to you. You are as paranoid as I am. Let me talk about Chris Bode. Chris Bode was a guy that came to a lot of shows, and he bought tickets to a lot of shows.

My last tour that I did, L.A. and New York. This isn't a comic. This is a fan. He's a Chris Bode. A listener. He's a fucking fan that's an over... Over the top fan. You are the next

fucking guy I don't know. Who? I want a break. can we say Grammy winner yeah you can say right don't fuck no cut anything listen I don't know if you want a Grammy winning yeah I want to out him he said you're the next some fucking blues guy that you don't know. Oh, Muscle White. Yes.

Roger Muscle White. Roger Muscle. Russell Muscle White. Roger Muscle White. Yeah, one of the greatest harp players ever. I don't know. You know when someone has too many expectations and you have too many expectations because that guy is a grammy award winner that brian hennigan said oh you don't know chris booty well no i don't know a lot of trumpeteers i'm not i'm not in the

loop oh you're getting political sorry and he kept telling me and he spent like fucking $2,400 or something on buying extra tickets. And I'm like, do you not know this is my worst fear in comedy is people seeing me on repeated nights. Because then they realize comedy is as fake as your jazz. Oh, I'm going to go this way. Jazz music has to be like improv comedy. It has to be. Remember, they spend all afternoon practicing spontaneity.

Hey, by the way, Roger Musselwhite was recently arrested in Bartow, Florida. He's 54 years old. DUI refused to submit to the breath of life. He plays harmonica. You think he's going to blow for free?

Go fuck yourself. Not for you or a judge or what the fuck, a magistrate. But I bet he could have fucking... Oh, he also resisted officers. Well, of course he did. Oh, yeah. So did Renee.

When she got her fucking face cracked by that fucking officer, Michael Pache, in fucking Santa Monica police. He works for the Thailand police now. Oh my god. No, he doesn't. I keep tabs on you. The years go by but I keep tabs on you.

You remember the weirdest things. Oh, the fucking pig that smashed your fucking wife's face apart because he almost ran her over? And I... I remember that. That was a close one.

Well, I mean... We could all end up in jail with that one. I may have been referring to other things. But you do remember odd things. I mean, it's just because your job is to observe, like a comic, and you do remember odd things. Can we just admit to everyone we're shit-faced we're totally

shit-faced that's not the point i don't know how these glasses are staying on my nose thank god it's full of coke what who's got coke actually there is no there has been no coke around that's bisbee there never has been like right now would be a time I'd go, yeah, I'll do a line. I'll do a bump. But there's never coke around. No. Well, that's why. We need to all get a Mexican friend.

Just one. Just the awkwardness. Isn't Shawnee Mexican? No, he's not Mexican. Well, he's half white, half black. What's that? Prove it. Prove he's not Mexican.

Half white, half black is Mexican. He could get me, half black. Prove it. Prove he's not Mexican. Half white, half black is Mexican. He could get me through the border if I didn't have ID. My God. Shawnee could. Yeah. Totally. Well, yeah.

He'll also work on the fence. I mean. There you go. There you go. Then he's half Mexican. No, he's all Mexican. No, he's on the fence. He's half Mexican. He's on the fence.

He can't figure it out himself. That's where the fence comes in. I had a Becker joke. He's right there. I had a Becker joke. He's all Mexican. You know, he's on the fence. He's half Mexican. He's on the fence. He can't figure it out himself. That's where the fence comes in. I had a Becker joke. He's right there. I had a Becker joke. He's just bleeding. Very nice, Greg. Yeah, no, this, your wife just oh boyed us saying this podcast will go nowhere.

And I say, let's fuck her in the ass. That last comment went nowhere. This is why I can't go to improv anymore. Yes, and? What city? So how come you guys don't storm at improv once in a while in Bisbee? Just for shits and giggles just to have fun i have no act i have nothing hold on a second that's not what i asked you why wouldn't

you just the two of you just go and just and not to fucking like shit on everyone else which you would do but to go let's do that let's go now now. Fuck this podcast. Who's got matches? I got a bridge. But my point being, like, why don't you just go renegade once in a while just to fucking... But, Becker, you've been here for a while. Do you have any itching to go up when they say there's going to be... I will. I'll start doing comedy again very soon here. Well, I figured you'd be running an open mic on a Tuesday at the fucking Chuckle Hut. No, there's no Chuckle Hut.

At the, what's the? All right. Somewhere. Let me bring this back to, A, your wife makes me a drink. Doug, what are you drinking? Whiskey sour. All right. Sour.

What you put in ain't what you get out. That drink's gone sour. Sometimes dead is better. Well, we're doing a drunk podcast, so we should be at least exclaiming our drinks. I was going to say, let's bring this back to where it is. We would be talking just like this without microphones. Yeah. And we,

we were for an hour. That's why we decided to do two. So let's keeping that in mind, knowing that that was Tracy. This will never air. Let's just talk like that into microphones, knowing this is just us talking not paying attention to the camera in your face and you still laugh like you laugh you dance like you dance no

it's it's a it's a like you say uh look are we on camera because that would freak but your thing is like look everything what everything's cool until you're in the front row and you're like pointing a phone with a camera on and then you get freaked out it's we don't consider the microphones we're just talking like we talk neil sedak and i'm still chewing off microphone i thought you were trying to i do that i thought you're trying to read my badge no i don't know but like i like i got rid of the squeaky chair too but i'm so hyper aware of the editing thing or just any kind of like having to fix stuff that you go, just don't chew on microphone. Don't do this.

Don't fucking squeak your chair. Don't clink bottles. You know, basics. I mean, making drinks is one thing. I mean, making ice. I get it. I love it. Those are called atmospherics.

Yeah. And an atmospheric that's good is ice clinking in a glass. You guys. People drink when they clink. You did a restaurant somewhere, I think maybe in Minnesota or somewhere. You were somewhere. You did it in a restaurant. It was obviously open and you could hear people moving around.

And those are kind of cool too. The man on the street. I love that. We did it on the Near the Wild podcast. Gratuitous plug. Where we went out and we did it because it was going to rain. And we did it on the patio because people were in the funhouse. And you could hear the rain. And you know what?

I didn't have to scrub any of the floor noise. And it was really fucking crazy. It was great. At one point, there was a fucking deluge that came down where we couldn't talk on the mic. Because it was like the noise, atmospheric noise, was drowning out the mic for John from Alaska to talk on the mic. Well, that was right when a big bergoon came over. Did I say that right? The bergoon.

The bergoon ruins every podcast. That that the bergoon the bergoon ruins every podcast that's the problem that's the problem yeah you know what one of those but but the but like clinking eyes like doug's leaning away from the mic chewing again clinking eyes is one thing get these gulping gulping drinks is another thing that's fine but the chewing is just what about potato chips you consider no yes how about those uh but chewing any mouth noise on your fingers uh the flugels flugels yeah bugles bugles bugles yeah where you sit there i would put those on my fingers and drive around so people would think i was an indian cab driver i was like oh look at me

i have the longest nails in India. The cones. They're called bugles. I don't know. What, you don't do your own shopping anymore? No, I don't leave the house. You only do, you run in, grab cheap meat, mess up the magazine rack, and run out of Safeway? You don't fucking browse?

Hey, by the way, that is always in play is Operation, hashtag Operation Cover-up is where when you're sitting in line in the supermarket, you take one unoffensive magazine and cover up all the tabloids. Home and Gardens. Something with the... Yeah, just any. Something without a face on it. Highway, which is amazing. It's fucking great.

Good magazine. I never bought it. I read it there. Healthy dieting and... What did he do? What did J. Lee just... Did I miss a Becker punchline?

I'll get it later. Most of it's in my socks. Did you achoo in your drink? Yes. I'll drink it. Don't worry. It's not like somebody else's s Yes. I'll drink it. Don't worry. It's not like somebody else is snot. I thought I talked over a Becker punchline. You did.

Which is way worse than you. You talked while he punchlined. But that's Becker. He's slipping them in, and you got to be quick, or you got to fucking... Or sneeze in your shoe. Sneeze in your shoe. Oh, I didn't know we were doing physical comedy today. I already brought my fucking dilly bobber.

Who's got a pogo stick and a plunger? I'll kill. Poom, poom, ta. Poom, poom, ta. Poom, poom. Where's Kenny when you need him? I don't know what that means. What's Kenny doing?

You can get about two jumps on a pogo stick with a plunger on the end of it. I get that. And then it sticks to the ground. So it goes, poom, poom, poom. But Kenny. Poom, poom, poom. Because then Kenny could rap to it. I could just see him jumping around the fucking room.

He could be fucking spitting off anything that comes into his head. I get it. I get it. Like his golf scores. I get it. And then next thing you know, we got a fucking show. Dude, I'm trying to catch up. I guess we could all retire.

My socks are wet. I'm trying to catch up. I guess we could all retire. My socks are wet. I'm trying to catch up. Didn't we record it? We should just put this out as is. I'll put it out tonight. As was. I don't think it's going to get better. Plug the eBay yard sale.

eBay yard sale. I want to do one more. One more what? We just, all the items. It took two days to put all the items up. And I want to do one more. Purge. Like a spinoff podcast like this.

A 20-minute podcast. Like once it gets going, then we can... All right. There's items that I go, people are really bidding on this? And then there's other items going, don't you know what this is worth? So I want us to all go through. So we'll do one more of those. Greg and I will admit we're both bidding on things.

Oh, you're bidding too? I'm bidding too. Oh, fuck you. No, we won't say what it is. Fuck you! You should have given it to me, motherfucker! But I'm not paying shipping, I'll tell you that. Don't fuck yourself.

If you're willing to drive to Bisbee, save $12.50. Oh, you kind of... That was a tell. What? Not David tell. That was a tell. No, everything's $12.50. a fucking residual no no no okay that was very specific straighten it up that's why i brought it up hang on hang on clear it up for people i will clear this up as far as i know and that's why we have to do another one of these on friday maybe uh this is going out tuesday morning yeah I don't know what fucking day it is.

I know. So, but, but, but let's do that because we can clear up any questions on the thing. I'll tell you right now. That's good. Becker knows when we go to Vegas and start gambling,

it is the same as doing cocaine. Yep. Where you get that same endorphin. And I have been on two days of this Bisbee Doug Stanton yard sale, eBay yard sale, where I'm awake and drunk

and asleep and awake and drunk and asleep. Every 15 minutes he hits refresh. And I wake up at 3am and go, oh shit, we're only halfway through the items. Go ahead. You don't the items. Go ahead. You don't have to say go ahead. Well, that's why we do this.

But you don't say go ahead because then I have to edit. Why would you edit out a fucking normal conversation? Go ahead is an edit. This is the problem. We're not doing fucking Letterman, you cunt. Hey, is that marker on your arm? Is that from Saturday? Mickey the Mute.

That's her name, Mickey the Mute. So this is the deal. Everything started on Sunday morning, but everything rolls out every 15 minutes. So the end of the eBay yard sale isn't going to end up until sometime in Tuesday because they end up seven days after. So they're going to end up until like sometime in tuesday because they end up seven days after so they're going to roll out like they rolled in so we just i wanted to make that clear

all right the monsoon sale we're gonna do another one of these drunk podcasts, like Friday morning, maybe. And we'll update some of the items and give background stories to some. We're going to do a lot of that because I'm going to go through all the things that Kelly from Vavum that is doing this for us because we're not eBay tech savvy. Not really go-getters. Yeah, she has spent so much time on this eBay yard sale, but she knows eBay. They have a store in town, the best store in town, Vavum. best store in town, Vavum.

And so she has all this lengthy, it's almost like legalese, like a contract, and the party in the first part. Because I write up a kooky story about the

item, and it's somewhere dipped in the middle of all this and the bitter must be the bitter Alright, that's one. Anyway. That's it, right?

Alright, that It's like eight lines before you even get to the description of the item that's mine for everything yes now go scroll there's more? oh shit look at all that

we require insurance for all items we're not responsible for the shipping cost estimate based on weight, size. All right. Point being... Your results may vary. Yeah, I know.

But I mean, people... I could see where people get a little panic attack where a couple of the items were just, you know, silly things, but heavy. No, I mean, they were bigger. I mean, heavy,

like for shipping, say. But it was 99 cents and it was 20 shipping so we'll figure it out but but i mean the idea you go i could spend a dollar 22 right now i don't want to spend 22 she has a thing where she insures everything and there's in that all that legalese if there's an overage with shipping, she will refund the thing. And I'm like, I don't fucking... This is not my business.

Right. No. I had to crawl into my crawl space and go through shit I want to get rid of. That's all I do. What she does is she makes it the way you actually have to do an eBay thing. She makes it profitable. Yeah, profitable and also the way you have to do that. Yeah, absolutely.

Don't be a fucking dick. Don't be the dick on this. There's always one dick that overbids and can't pay. I'm in the room. And there's certain items, you know. I was drunk and I don't have that kind of money. Well, you know Oh I was drunk and I don't have that kind of money Well you know what You're still going to be fucking

Haunted Haunted Found out And yeah There's going to be fucking kitty porn put on your computer Well that's not I don't know So how does it work though

I mean that's in theory So I know Everyone knows how eBay works eBay works so well That I was talking to Becker tonight. He stopped using it because everyone knows about it. Our parents know about fucking, but they know the term eBay. That's who I'm selling it to. But it is one of those things where it's a common process now.

We've all been through it. Let's just kill this fucking. Get this. I want you to send this out right now. Right now? Like, not even wait until in the morning? No editing. No fucking Chaley.

Well, we don't even know who won the baseball game yet. Oh, that's great. You can say what the score is of the Diamondbacks Texas Rangers at the top of the ninth. How quick can you get this fucking podcast? In 40 minutes. 40 minutes? 40 minutes. To just stop recording.

No, that's not what I said. Quicker than defrosting a turkey. Yes. What, because he said something about Jews? Or was that earlier off? Oh, it wasn't about Jews. I don't know. It was about anyone.

Oh, wait. No, that was. Why is 40 minutes too long? How much time do you want it to be on? Right now. Oh, just stream it live? Oh, that's interesting. Why aren't we streaming this live on video?

Yeah. Well, because it's too late. Well, because you sold all your stuff, and now we're just staying in an empty room. There's nothing here. Any chance I could bid on one of the chairs so I could sit down? Jesus Christ.

Don't sit down without pants in that chair that isn't there. 12 days for delivery. We sold our pants and chairs. You're a reverse hoarder. You're turning into the goddamn Robin Williams. Next thing you know, don't sell your belts.

Hey, we apologize for all the inappropriate content that I can't remember is or is not in this podcast, but it's going out right fucking now. what time is it

pacific standard time what time is it 7 55 p.m done yeah unless you want to play it no let's play a live song. Oh, who's got spoons? Hey, can we play that one song of the thrift store song? Take a load off, Annie. Take a load off. That's not a thrift store song. Come on. That pop and tag song. What?

Macklemore. No, we're not playing the song. We have to sing the song because we're going to send this out right now. I went with take a load off. Hey, how about this song?