The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #271: (Pt. 1) - I'm On A Train. I Can Complain.

Episode Date: August 15, 2018

Doug and Bingo are back from their cross country train adventure and he has plenty to report. Also, info about the eBay Yard Sale. This is part 1 of a 2 parter podcast. Recorded Aug 10th, 2018 in the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Mat Becker (@houdini357), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's 2018 eBay Yard Sale is underway Aug 12 – 19th. Go bid on something now - [https://ebay.to/2B1zd21](https://ebay.to/2B1zd21) This podcast sponsored by Tio Ceddy's - The Original Firery Elixir – Improving Food, Booze and Life in General since 2013 - Agua Chiltepin is made by hand in Bisbee, AZ - [https://www.tioceddy.com/](https://www.tioceddy.com/) Get on the Mailing List at www.dougstanhope.com. Cool shit is on the horizon and you don't want to miss out. You have been warned. STANHOPE MERCH - NEW! Chad Shank T-Shirts, “Popov Vodka Presents” VHS Tapes and the NEW KILLER TERMITES T-Shirt now available at [http://www.DougStanhope.com/store](http://www.DougStanhope.com/store) Bingo's Book - “Let Me Out: a madhouse diary” NOW AVAILABLE on AUDIBLE.com - [https://amzn.to/2mItJzn](https://amzn.to/2mItJzn) Chad Shank Voice Over info at [http://www.AudioShank.com](http://www.AudioShank.com) Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Out of my hair. Into my drink. Yeah, where's our usual bartender, Miss Tracy? She's working at the store today, Friday, because we got new t-shirts in. Oh, good. You get the yellows. Abortion is green in a cream banana. Cream banana. Is that cream banana? This is cream banana.

Oh, yeah. I was going to say. Is there a different cream banana? We've also got the... We've been selling the chat. That's my favorite T-shirt we've ever done. Hands down. Yeah, Tracy, she doesn't like confrontation.

That's the only one she won't wear. Yeah, we get confronted. But she won't wear that? We get confronted when I was wearing one on boarding a plane. Really? Abortion is not green. Bingo, you were there. I don't know if you remember.

I don't know. Yeah, but he couldn't do anything. He couldn't escalate it because they were about to board a plane. You don't want to start shit. You're going to be sitting in this fucking tarmac while my plane floats into the sky. It is a bit extreme. I don't wear anything with sports teams on it for the same reason. while my plane floats into the sky. It is a bit extreme. I don't wear anything with sports teams on it for the same reason.

I don't want strangers talking to me about shit I don't actually care about. I used to wear football jerseys on the road. I'd purposely wear a team they hated. Where you're going? Just to start. Oh, yeah. Shit right off the bat when you walk out just to get me in the mood. Sometimes liquor isn't enough in verbal assaults. Someone asked us recently, oh, you were doing five questions for Doug Stanhope or something.

They asked something about the drunkest you've been on a flight or something. And I was trying to remember. And it was the time where you were sitting in first class and this weirdo, look at me, look at me, young chick was sitting next to you and you just could not stop. You knew it was going to be a problem because you were making comments and stuff. And she's sitting next to you with like an eye mask and like a thing around her neck. She was doing like knee bends, like stretching in her yoga pants, waiting to get on the plane. And we're like, Jesus Christ.

And then finally, you just went, came right back to where me and chad were you're like chad you gotta take my seat i can't i'll get kicked off this plane i knew that story sounded familiar she had a face mask yes that's right she had like like one of those like in japan where like they were walking around the street you know and they've got the the mask dust particle like a particle mask but you didn't you were you wearing a cape, Chad? Yeah. So you out-weirded the weirdo. It was a first-class blanket, technically, but I was wearing it as a cape.

We were, indeed, pretty drunk. Hey, it's no fun to be in first class if everyone else doesn't know you were there. Oh, I had – not only was I wearing a cape, I was wearing one of the same three usual t-shirts that I have in rotation and like a pair of basketball shorts with my white-ass legs sitting up in first class. Anybody got toenail clippers? I'll just chew them off.

I'll paint them uncut, but I'd sure like to cut them first. I only needed a hoof-hearted hat to complete the ensemble. With the applause thing where you squeeze the button and it claps. And you were third in line to be a problem on the plane. That had to be the Daytona Beach trip, I'm guessing. Or I think we're, no, it might have been because we were in L.A.

when that happened, flying to here, I believe. Didn't we do a stopover in L.A.? I don't remember that's the the flaw in the question is what's the drunkest you've ever been on a plane well ask the person next to me because i wouldn't remember if you can answer then it's probably it's a thing memories aren't made of we were drunk enough that i only flew two times in the uh the train i just did that amtrak trip and we had a you know a sleeping car and the the disparity between you know coach and first class i.e sleeping car, it's like prisoners and prison guards. It's like a first-class airplane, but more so because you have your full sleeping car

with your own bathroom and stuff. It's not like in the old days where you've got rows of bunks on either side of an aisle. You have a room with a bed and a convertible bed on top. I mean, you have total privacy. Do you have a bathroom in yours too? But then the coach part of the train. So it's like Greyhound. Well, a Greyhound bus.

Yeah. But you forget that in the old days, trains, that's what they had. They had these cars that were owned by moguls. And then they had the ones that guests stayed in with chandeliers and shit. And then you had cattle cars in which you slept with the cattle that's how you traveled hobos yeah well no you were actually paid customers but you were with cattle or product or dynamite and if they didn't like it they just undid a pin that was the 80s most people moved to Nebraska. So you're on the train.

We've established it's a modern train. Yeah, and then you have the bar. The viewing car is above the bar. There's a bar downstairs, and then they have the big viewing car. So that's where you have to mingle with these coach people. Is it the one with the glass over the top? Yeah. So you look around panoramic receipts everyone's drinking smuggled booze there was a the first train there was a a group of india indian people like maybe 30 of them uh and they're just this cacophony there was some you, I don't know, fucking arranged marriage or something going on where they were going.

And they were nice, but just to be... You had to drink to be in the car. It was just this wall of sound. They're from India. They're just happy that they got on a train where they could get a seat. They were hanging off the side. Somebody's on the roof of this

train. This is nice. Indians pop their Bs, so it's very... Wait, there's an inside to a train? Oh, my. This is very nice. But there was one of them that I was calling Uncle Drunky because he's like pounding beers and just kept going from table to table

and everyone was annoyed by him. You could tell. At one point, I said when he went back down to get more beer, I said something to the people that he was annoying. I go, wow, he's pretty hammered, huh? And they said, yeah. However it came to be, he's not with them. He's not even Indian.

He's Indian. He's Native American. I thought he was part of the group. And he's this just drunk leering. He's like talking to 14-year-olds. I'm calling him Uncle Drunky and asking inappropriate questions. And so when they told me they didn't know him, I fucking went and got my prison guard from the fucking sleeper car. So all Indians don't know each other?

All the porters or whatever you call them, like the sleeper car people are fucking really overly nice because they're getting tipped out at the end. And the porters in the coach section are really like prison guards. They're just fucking angry like Greyhound bus drivers. Whipping a chair? Because they're not getting tipped out at the end. They're quitting at the end. They're selling you protection. I'm just saying, this train can go one way or another.

Maybe you don't want to fall off the train. I don't know. saying this train can go one way or another maybe you don't want to fall off the train i don't know so i went and got my guy from the sleeping car and going hey the problem and we had just stopped and the guy had gotten off at that stop so it was too late to but the fucking indians loved me after that for protecting them getting my nice butler to come down. Thank you very much. The next day, hey, good morning. Thank you. Nice to see you. They were very sweet.

But there's so many old, fucked up people. There was a lady named Gabby Hayes. She was, that was the Chicago. Silent film star? She could have been. She was old and wobbly and had the mouth full of tongue that's rolling like a cow and can barely stand, much less on a moving train. So a couple times I got stuck behind her trying to get. She said the car, like two cars down from me, and I'd get stuck behind her. This is going to be a 40 minute walk between three

train cars because she can't move and she's like, can't you just play through like golf? Spread your legs! Come on! That's the only way you could because she's got her hand on every seat back trying to maneuver

and I felt bad for her and I was trying to help her out i'd stop by her room do you need anything from the dining car a case in the joint but i mean she was and i talked to my porter guy and he said it happens commonly where families will dump off like dementia patient family members and just put them on a train all around like forever because they won't know where they are nursing home yeah and some and somewhere they'll three meals a day right with the sleeper car yeah oh that's brilliant i like it so so she kept forgetting that i knew her and i'd go hi gabby and, hey, you have a good memory.

But has no idea who I am. She goes, that's my name, Gabby Hayes. And I'm in the viewing car at this point. And I fucked up the name. And I thought it was the same name. And I yell, how could I forget your name? As long as I remember the butthole surfers, I'll remember your name.

Then everyone's staring. Gibby Haynes? Yes. I got it wrong. But everyone, nobody on the fucking train knows the butthole surfers, much less Gibby Haynes. So they're all just staring at me like this was when Amish people were on the train. Bingo, where are you? For fuck's sake, verify these stories. It was a whole bunch of Amish people who were the train. Bingo, where are you, for fuck's sake? Verify these stories.

It was a whole bunch of Amish people who were sitting right next to us that are just looking at me like that. Yeah, there's no way they know. It's not like it's on their iPod. I don't know if they're Amish or Mennonites. I was talking about when I called Gabby Hayes. I said, I'll remember you as long as I remember the butthole surfers and all those fucking Mennonites. Anyway.

This is Gabby Hayes. I pulled a picture from 1953. Yeah, no, he's the one from the movie. He's the one who did the one from the African Queen. He, he, he. You ever see a bee sting twice? Really? Yeah.

That's his famous line. I just recognize him from a bunch of old Westerns and shit. Yeah, that's him at 23. He always looked like that, so maybe she's like that. Shave the beard, put on some rouge. Yeah. No one knows where he's at now. So you ended up, you left from here.

This is a Doug Stano podcast. We've got Doug Stano up here. We've got Matt Becker, Chad Shank, and myself. And you're talking about when you got off, when you retired from comedy, you decided, well, before that, when you were in the UK, you decided you were drunk is what happened. And you planned a trip from Tucson toson to chicago oh no i planned this months ago i bought you in the uk you you did it it was april i know because i'm having i might have a hard time charging back the fucking ticket because it's been so long yes because i bought it they didn't fuck me over amtrak you fucking co fucking cocksuckers. I knew there's going to.

You can't do that much time on Amtrak without getting fucked a little bit. Well, you know that's going to happen going into it. That's why you have to wait until you're retired to take the trip. You might not get back for 40 days. Most of those people weren't that old when they started. The trip was going to go from here to Chicago, a little stop over there, then Chicago to Portland, then Portland to LA., quick changeover to get back to Tucson. Or did you stop at the platform at Benson?

Yeah, we actually ended up – Where there's no station, there's just a – Yeah, AJ picked us up. Anyway, so that was the trip. You planned it well in advance. You retired from comedy after your two shows in L.A. and New York, and then that's what we're talking about. You left here.

We got drunk at the Hotel Congress. Just to be on a train. Yes. No destination. Just love the train. Rock me to sleep. Fucking Xanax and smuggled booze. Three meals a day.

I'm on a train. I can't complain. That's the name of this podcast. I'm on a train. I can't complain. Bad parent, by the way. Yeah. Sorry, that's a side story.

So, yeah, we get in the middle of the night in Alpine, Texas. We got fucked for some reason. There was a bad rail, or I don't know. I'm out of it sleeping like a baby. Well, you care. You're retired. Well, they say, yeah. Well, what do I care is they say, when we get to San Antonio,

we're putting everyone on a bus from San Antonio to Longview, Texas, to catch up with the train because that train splits off. Half of it goes to New Orleans. The other half goes up to Chicago. So we missed the train that was going to attach to us and take us to Chicago. So they're going to put us on a bus for seven hours to catch up with the train that's already left. Ooh, what kind of sleeper car do you get on a bus? That's exactly what I said.

Three meals a day. Is there a kitchen? Yeah. I'm not fucking taking a bus. I'm just going to fly and charge this back. I'm not going to fight with you. Yeah, I know. Amtrak's fucked, gonna fly and charge this back i'm not gonna fight with you yeah i know amtrak's fucked and i'll charge it back and uh first of all what kind of how slow is your train

that a bus can catch up with it down the i-35 corridor through austin and dallas and it's got to be there before i don't you still got to keep time when you get... The train's still got to keep time, so you got to offload the bus. You got to get everyone situated. Yeah. I said, fuck this. We're flying. It's a weird way to do business. We just took a taxi to an airport hotel and bought last-minute

tickets to fly to Chicago the next day. Got there well before the train. And your luggage? You took your luggage on the plane with you, right? They gave you your luggage so you could get off the train. And your luggage? You took your luggage on the plane with you, right? They gave you your luggage so you could get off the train? No, they said, well, we'll try to get your luggage. I go, what do you mean try?

Well, if you ask the conductor, he might be willing, because I had a checked bag on the train. The fucking sleeper car is small and fucking bingo. Hey, there, you're late. My personal assistant mrs gump we call it we call her gabby uh yeah i go fuck it i'll just get the bag when i get there and then that the train is again late so i got my bag just in time to recheck it. But I got to see Junior Stopka. That was great.

And Maggie. And the bar she works at in Chicago, Cleo's. Junior Stopka. Good God, that kid is... He's moronically fearless. He still drives that fucking 1991 fucking Nissan something.

It's got American flag duct tape holding a bumper on. And they were about to embark on a journey to New England to have lobster. He does that here and again. And they'll go see roadside attractions that are cheap or free. They're like the Gumps, but then they're late 30s. We talked about him and Maggie driving from Chicago

to New England because he's never tried lobster and he went to Red Lobster in New England to eat lobster. I was like, how was it? Pretty good. You could get that anywhere. You could get that anywhere. You could get that same lobster anywhere. I wouldn't even think there is a red lobster in New England.

You think it would be illegal to put a red lobster. Look, there's one area we're not going. We're not going to New England. We're going to focus on the rubes in Chicago and then west. It must have been Bingo's coma because it's the only time I've canceled a gig that he was supposed to play Boston with me and

I canceled the gig but I already bought his ticket and I said, hey, you can go. I already got the hotel and the ticket. So he just flew to Boston, stayed in his room and flew back. He didn't do it. He didn't leave the hotel. Didn't even try the baked

beans? I think he might have ate at Legal Seafood in the airport. He ate Southern Barbecue in Chicago. But, yeah. So they come to meet us at our hotel by the train station.

And they get all their shit packed for their trip. And he had to move his car because it's downtown Chicago. And he can't be parked there during. So we all jam into this fucking. Just like I was that guy. I was that kid. We were those kids that would drive a piece of shit car that has little or no chance of making it to your

destination piled with stuff. Yeah, I took a 64, I think it was, Galaxy, the one that had the push-button transmission. Oh, yeah. And I drove it to what was it? Wyoming. Rock Springs, Wyoming, because

that's where I ended up breaking down. Because the engine thing blew up. I'm in the car sitting on the side of the road, and a trooper pulls over and goes, hey, what are you doing? I go, my engine blew, and it was nighttime, so I just waited until morning. And now the sun's up, and you woke me up. He goes, well, there's a big thing of oil back there.

I go, yeah, that's probably from my car. And he goes, well, what are you going to do with it? I'm like, it was the weirdest thing. I go, I don't well uh what are you what are you gonna do with it i'm like it was the weirdest thing i go i don't know what are you thinking name it mop yeah highway 80 mile marker 65 mop boy can you go get it for me and bring it back put it in my car because i need it yeah so he tows me to i get a tow truck because of AAA, thank God, and I tow it to this little Indian hotel, and the guy is a Patel or whatever. Patel Motel Mafia? Yeah, and he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I go, because I'm unhooking it there.

And he goes, are you staying here? I go, no, no, my car broke down. I just had somewhere to drop it, so we're dropping it here. He goes, you can't leave it here. I go, no, no, I'm not going to leave it here. No, no, not at all. As I'm taking the license plate off, getting all my shit, pulling my shit pulling the stereo out no no i would never leave this car here and then the the guy from the garage tells me and getting me a new motor for eighteen hundred

dollars but it's going to take a week to get there and they could put a new motor in in a car in the middle of rock spring so then i go how do i get of here? And it turns out the way you get out of there was a handicapped bus was the only thing they had for transportation. So I had to sit on a bus with a bunch of people severely handicapped, talk to the driver, and I asked the lady, because I called 911. I said, I'm your newest homeless person.

How do I get out of here? And she goes, we've never had this problem before. Everybody who's got broke down stayed. So I end up just leaving the car, fleeing, and I'm with this guy. And I go, what do I have to pay for the bus? He goes, they can't really take money. It's a handicap. I said, it's paid for.

So I give the guy $20. He goes, hey, keep it. He goes, it was just nice to have somebody to talk to. I have a postcard from Rock Springs there was a gig there triple gig in the hotel attached to the bar and they had a shitty gig and there was a waitress I remember that I've

fucked she had a bullet wound not wound scar from a she'd been shot in the face by her ex-boyfriend. I found because I remember sending my mother I don't know if this is in the book, but I remember sending my mother

a postcard. It's like it's called a lamplighter in Rock Springs and they had postcards in the motel room. Why would you celebrate this? They used to do that though. Stationary, postcards because yeah. Proof of life. in the motel room. Like, why would you celebrate this? Like bragging about I'm here. I used to do that, though.

Stationary, postcards, because, yeah. Proof of life. Yeah, proof of life. You don't have stamps, do you? No. But I sent my mother a postcard that I found it on eBay, and I bought one. It's sitting in there.

But I remember sending my mother the postcard saying uh here i lay in the ass sweat of a thousand truck drivers which eventually turned into a bit but uh and i anyway that's yeah my memory of rock springs is fucking a girl bullet wound in her face cross that off the bucket list. Let's break, and we'll get back to the train after these messages. Didn't you mean to say cocktails? Cocktails. Oh, yeah. Today's podcast is sponsored by the Bisbee Observer Classifieds.

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Or email rocks at maxchance.com Max Chance I told you I went to that class, voiceover class, and the guy was asking about, you know, have you introduced yourself and your experience? And I told him I have experience with a couple of audio books and I'm just trying to learn how to do this stuff. And he asked me about the books I read. And I told him, he goes, oh, I know Doug Stanhope. Because I told him about podcasts.

And he says, I know Doug Stanhope. He's friends with Joe Rogan, right? I go, yeah. And he goes, yeah, I know who. I met Joe Rogan a few times. I know who Doug Stanhope is. I said, okay. And so a little bit later, we were talking about voices.

And he says, Doug Stanhope does voices, doesn't he? I said, no. He said, isn't he the guy with all the puppets? I said, hold on. I'm writing this down so I don't forget. You mean Jeff Dunham? Oh, yeah. I mean Jeff Dunham.

That happens all the time. Doug is confused with Jeff Dunham? Oh, yeah, I mean Jeff Dunham. That happens all the time. Doug gets confused with Jeff Dunham all the time. That's what I said. I'm sure it's a common mistake. It's common because Jeff Dunham and Joe Rogan hang out a lot. Has Jeff Dunham ever done Joe Rogan's podcast? Fuck, who hasn't done Joe Rogan's podcast? Well, that's the thing.

Roseanne? It would be one of those things where Jeff Dunham would. I wouldn't be surprised if he was on Joe Rogan's podcast because Joe Rogan, he has a lot of different characters. Yeah, fuck you, Macaulay Culkin. Do you do anything with puppets other than the government? What was the outcome of that Macaulay Culkin interview? Oh, I watched it, and it's very interesting because he's very weird. But very forthcoming.

Yeah, he wasn't doing like, I'm a Hollywood fucking douche. But he's just, he's a weird kid. He never got to be a kid. Wasn't that Michael Jackson's problem? No, he was friends with him. He defended him until the end, saying, I don't think he did anything. Because he slept over. It was the same thing. And I went, maybe you weren't that cute.

Yeah. Come on. Macaulay Culkin was never cute. I'm just saying, maybe not... Maybe he wasn't a drinker. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, he was. Doug has... I found out

something about Doug. He cried during a... Was it Home Alone 1 or 2 that you cried? 1. You fucking think I'm a sissy? It was going to be very embarrassing if it was actually Home Alone 2. It's like, really, dude? I cried at a Simpsons episode after an Alaska ecstasy bender where there's no serotonin left.

And Marge said something that reminded me of my childhood, and I cried. Wow. So, yeah, it was one of those things where I was, yeah. If you're watching home alone anyway it's good and you're home alone yeah and well bingo was there but that's kind of alone sometimes he was in that movie party monster and i don't know if ever that was the one that brought his career down the uh down the shitter no that's the one that he couldn't get another any movie work after that so you do one and then that's how you... What? Party Monster.

Doug just said it's really good and you said it ruined his fucking career? I'm saying I read his history thing and it said that Party Monster is the one that stopped his career where nobody would hire him after that because it lost money. Yet he had made him a fortune. I don't know. I think aging lost his career. It did. Father Time. He did. Father Time.

He said, Sue Father Time. Hit me in the head. Make me stay this way forever. Well, his band, too. Remember his band? Oh, God. It was a parody band. And they played.

Where did they play? His home base, New York or whatever. And they did all right. Then they went to other venues out of the city. And they got booed off stage. He got pissed and walked off. He was playing a kazoo. He had a little trombone kazoo.

So I look it up. This is what it is, recent, because I looked up. Becky goes, what are you looking at? And she looks over and sees I'm looking up trombone kazoos on Amazon. She goes, never mind. What? I'm just checking the price. I'm like, what?

I'm just checking the price. For Becker, since he's purged everything when he moved from Alaska here, it's like being caught looking at porn. He has to quickly bring porn on the screen so he's not looking up gadgets and knickknacks and free things. It's like phantom pain. I reach down for my kazoo and I go, it's not there. I swear to God, I can still feel my kazoo and I go, it's not there. I swear to God, I can still feel my kazoo. 15 years ago when we first went to Costa Rica,

Becker's looking at this Costa Rican, like those cheeseball ukuleles. Like out of a coconut or something? In a little gift shop. Yeah, okay. Grocery store. One of every fucking, and it's got Costa Rica on it and it's ding-a-ling-a-ling. And he's playing with it and she goes, no. Matthew, no.

Oh, yeah. And then she turns to me. If you buy it for him, I'll fucking kill you. But I did end up with it. You have to understand that Becker's a fucking hoarder far beyond my dimensions. No, I'm a collector. And again, my stuff doesn't sell on ebay because i would never sell it uh price isn't right but if you remember right we did get maracas we did buy the the thing

oh we did no do you remember we bought maracas too we bought and something else tambourine and that's when we went to the other bar i remember they had the band playing and we started playing and they threw us out because we were upstaging the band this is what happened to macaulay at the monkey bar yeah we went to the monkey bar we're playing not much of a band if a tambourine and a maraca can outband the band yeah they were but there was no tiny uh whatever you're just trombone kazoo trombone but yeah but they really were has there ever been a... I'm going to... Kevin Costner had a band, and I don't know, fucking Russell Crowe, maybe. No, fucking Bruce Willis.

Brutal. Bruce Willis? Yeah. But have any of them ever gone on to do anything? Hollywood Vampires is different, because they're all stars. Right. Dennis Quaid's band is playing in Tombstone this month. Yeah, Carlos Mencia just played in the fucking the air

force base or whatever the army base uh fort huachuca starting to become an entertainment we were we were gonna go i don't know if we ever talked about this on a podcast but carlos mencia was playing at the army base 25 miles away for 15 bucks a head and we were going to all go and crash it and we were going to make a party bus out of it. But then we thought, oh, we'd have to sit through Carlos Mencia. The joke stops as soon as it

starts. Do you want to sit up front? It's a painful punchline. We want to see what's doing. Go check it out and see who's opening. See what's going on. But then it'd be like, gotta leave. When the headliner goes on, it looks like you're there

just to gaslight or something. It was Eddie Murphy's kid, wasn't it? One of his openers? Yeah, his opener. Oh, I have no idea. Was it Chris Rock's brother? Chris Rock's brother, yeah. That's who it was. I've heard he's actually funny.

Yeah, but he was second fiddle on this show. Whoever's bringing in the 15 bucks. Plus free drink. Oh, that's right. Yeah, they had a free drink, too. So you're like, I was going to pay 15 for a drink anyway. I'm sure it was well attended and a fun show. Keep bringing comedy to Fort Huachuca.

Let's get back to the train. All right, bend over. Our plan was, because when you're in the dining car, you get the sleeper car, you get three meals a day. And even if you're not hungry, you go. Because that's three things you can do in a day on a train. But they make you sit with other people. Sign seating and they switch it up. Yeah, our plan was to every meal have a different lie of what we do and where we're going or why we're going there or something.

But for the most part, no one talked to us. The first people we sat with were Japanese. It was a mother and daughter. Perfect. Very, very limited English. And so just trying to order off the menu because the fucking waiter was a dick and didn't try to accommodate helping them. Like, what do you want?

It's like, just tell me. Like, yeah. Just learn English right now. Right now. Like they're fucking with him. Like she's trying to torture the staff. Just knock off your shit and tell me what you want. Well, I call Hennigan, because Hennigan is fluent in Japanese.

Hennigan is also retired. Since I'm retired fluent in japanese also retired since i'm retired he's retired until i unretire and he's drunk in vegas going i am on holiday why are you bothering me i go listen i'm we're sitting at dinner with japanese uh people and they they don't have english and the waiter's being a dick so if if they have any more problems, can I call you? And he's like, as he should. And I said, well, you just text me something in Japanese that I can show them that says if you have any. How fun would that be? No, no, it doesn't go the way you're saying it.

I know. I'm just thinking how fun would that be if we had that power? Best opportunity. God damn it. How come we don't know Japanese? So he. Wait, how is he going had that power? Best opportunity. God damn it. How come we don't know Japanese? So he... Wait, how is he going to type Japanese? He does.

He does all the time. Change your font. Well, why couldn't you just translate it on your phone? Google Translate does the same thing. That's what he's doing. You don't need Heineken. You've got Google Translate. You know, these retirees just throwing their money around.

Doug, Google Translate doesn't go on holiday. It's available 24-7. I don't need these things. Most of my life, I don't need to translate anything into Japanese, but he did. He translated the message, and I handed him the phone, all happy and proud of myself. And they go, oh, no, we're Chinese. Well, they look Japanese. Where's Fung when you need him?

Fung Shui. Our friend was out this week. It was a pleasure to have you, Fung Shui, if you're listening to this podcast. It's not his real name. His name is Feng Chao. Fang. But we call him Fung Shui because it's easier to... It's F-E-N-G.

I remember that guy a little bit. Yeah, he was a sweetheart. Yeah, nice kid. Stanhope's on the train helping Chinese people order food. He's stopping by to check on Gabby Hayes. Yeah. He's rescuing old people in hotels. I think for his retirement, he's just going to be a white trash knight.

Or a candy striper. Or a candy striper. Or a candy striper. There was one lady, I was in the bar car, and I was just getting shit to bring back to my room. It's morning. I need a fucking gin and tonic. I don't drink gin and tonic, but I'm going to change it up. You're known to mix it up.

It's morning. And I'm waiting for the bar. I'm still restocking. Hold on. It'll be just two minutes. Fifteen minutes later, I'm still standing there.. I'm still restocking. Hold on. It'll be just two minutes. 15 minutes later, I'm still standing there. The line is growing behind me. So he gets my order.

Then there's another infirmed old woman beside me. She's next. And he goes, I'll get you. Can you help her take this? Because it's obvious she's going to have a problem bringing her fucking hot dog and a Coke or whatever. She had coffee. She had a coffee, hot coffee. And he puts both of our orders in one of those boxes, like a baseball game box.

Can you help her take this to wherever she's going? And I'm like, yeah, but the fucking booze shakes. Are you drinking your drink while you're carrying it? No, but it's open. The tonic, he opens it to make it even more of a liability. Hot coffee, all the other shit. She has a water. It's an unwieldy box on a moving train, and she's walking at a snail's pace.

And the more I'm getting the booze shakes shakes it's just like when i had that fucking panic attack crossing the mississippi driving and i'm like take the wheel i'm fucking freaking out and i'm shaking this box and i'm gonna dump hot coffee all over this old woman's back and she just keeps going yeah car to car to car and i like, and each time she touches a headrest, I think this is her seat because she does it that slowly. She doesn't duck in. And the more I'm thinking I'm going to drop this box, the more I'm shaking, thinking I'm going to drop the box. I'm like, this is fucking crazy. We get to through the dining car and there's, and this is the other end of the train,

and there's only one more car left, and there's no dinner going on. So the waiters are just sitting around, and it's empty. She's in the sleeping car at the end, so I just give the waiter the box, and I go, please help her with this. I'm going to spill it on her. And I left. He took it. Took your drink? Oh, no. I'm going to spill it on her. And I left. He took your drink? Oh, no. I grabbed mine out, and then I just took my

can and my cup of ice and my little gin bottle back to my car going, oh, fuck. That was that close. And I saw him later on, and I go, hey, thanks for helping me out. I was fucking having a panic. Helping you? Well, no. The waiter helping me because I was going to spill fucking hot coffee.

Well, it became his responsibility as the white trash knight do you know how this works yeah meanwhile he's using an airline blanket as a cape oh no i was wearing a mcdonald's jersey and i'll get to that next but i said to him at lunch when i see him later i go thanks for helping me out i was having a panic attack and i thought i was going to spill hot coffee all over that woman. He said, she was going the wrong way. He had to take her down to those sleeping cars to figure out she's at the very other end of the train. And I go, if I had to do that.

This isn't the caboose. I think it's so funny because the train because it's the train's moving, things are lurching and everything and then you've got the shakes. I think it'd be like noise-canceling headphones. Yeah, it's like when Becker... He's walking a fucking straight line. It's like when Becker does coke

and doesn't say anything. Shano's walking like a sign spinner. I got the shit. I would have just told her, let's sit here and enjoy our cocktails. Just sit down. Hey, Irma, sit down. Gabby, let's take a load off and get to know each other.

Take a load off, Gabby. Put the load right on me. Well, before you left, you bought a bunch of vintage outfits yeah i bought us all vintage fast food outfits on the 70s yeah so i get this old mcdonald's uniform shirt on and that's one of the fuck with we we pulled a lot i was telling people that uh i'm uh to financially try to rescue amtrak, which is going down the tubes. At dinner. At dinner. We're going to be replacing all these diner cars with McDonald's cars.

And the stalwarts, most of the people that take Amtrak are train fans. They're like train spotter kids. That's pointing out different freight trains when they go past you. Before they crash. That's out you with. So to say that you're replacing Our life doesn't suck. Look at that.

Distraction. There's a distraction. No, they're not waving. They're trying to get the window open. And the other thing I was telling people is Richard Anderson, who I do know, he's the new CEO of Amtrak. It's always good to get your fucking bullshit down. Even his wife is Sue, and his daughter is Katie with a K-A-T-Y, no E. Little goes a long way.

This is getting a little creepy, though. What's their favorite color? So I was saying when I wasn't in a McDonald's outfit, I was saying that I was Richard Anderson's assistant or I was Richard Anderson. I know him because he was the Delta CEO. So as much as I fly Delta, you sit through the announcement on the TV screen. Hi, I'm Richard Anderson, CEO of Delta. Well, now he's the Amtrak CEO. So I'd be telling bartenders that I was a secret shopper.

That we were doing undercover boss. Yeah. And as weak as my drunken bullshit was, they're not always the brightest people. So they go, yeah. They couldn't remember which car they were in. I love it. I love it. Like the people sitting with you at dinner or lunch or a meal would actually think that the CEO would be sporting a McDonald's fucking polyester.

Separate gags. Okay. These are the same people that had to get off the train and take a seven hour bus ride because they had somewhere to be they don't give a fuck about stem those shenanigans what was the food on it too by the way i never heard what was the food was it normal or was it weird it was hot dogs and coffee he said it well that's the bar cars you can buy i actually i was started to go to the bar car for meals because the dining car was fucking miserable shit. I took some chances.

Fish? You didn't do fish on a train. No, I was going to. They had salmon. They had a steak. And it was a burger. It was all. You realize salmon is fish, right?

Yeah. Same as microwave bacon is bacon. It was pretty rough. And I'm not a big eater anyway. That might work out. I'd take a few bites of something. Breakfast is... You get scrambled eggs.

It's always fine. The train that we took in Canada, I remember... Well, we are talking about Canada. Go ahead. It's a little different than... It was always late, but the meals were good. We sat for like 14 hours on a sidetrack, remember?

We barely got to the gig in time. I had to go straight from the train station. Oh, the Halifax gig? No, I think it was Winnipeg. Oh, Winnipeg. That's right. We got to the station. We were supposed to be a day early. We got there an hour before doors. I went straight Where we got to the station. We were supposed to be a day early.

We got there an hour before doors. I went straight to the gig. Doug went to the hotel just to change and then came to the gig. That's twice in Canada that happened because that happened to me and Bingo in Halifax where they were waiting at the train to bring me right to stage. And, of course, I'm hammered. Not my usual stage hammered, but I'm train hammered. And I had to do two shows.

That's like the engineer, train hammered. But Portland, we had three nights off in Portland. So Andy comes up. It's a fucking party. It was a party immediately in Portland. Was it uneventful from Chicago to Portland? Well, I can't remember all of it. I know't remember all of... That's called uneventful. Gabby Hayes was...

If you don't have something to bitch about. Delivering meals and ordering people's drinks. Pulling a double. Shining shoes. Changing diapers. I was swamped the entire way. I don't remember. Work, work, work. This retirement's going to kill me. We did book signings.

We did a couple of random book signings. You did like a tweet up, right? I'd tweet, hey, next smoke stop is Haver, Montana. If you're in Haver in about 30 minutes, I'll be out there smoking for four minutes. That's cool. I don't think anyone showed up at Montana, but two people did show up. Portland. I'll get to that showed up at Montana, but two people did show up. Portland? I'll get to that.

Portland, we get there, and bingoes, so excited. We're spending three nights there because she's got her friend, Bob, that owns the High Dive. Great fucking bar in Portland. Oh, yeah. We had a blast with you. Is it Chelsea? I think it's Chelsea. And Joel Schulmeier, however you say his fucking name,

we get to the hotel, right from the train station, and drop our shit. We're going to go immediately to get sushi, and go through the bar to scope out the hotel bar, and I walk in, and this kid behind the bar says,

Mr. Stanhope, bingo! It's a pleasure to have you. I'm like, what? He's like, I was at your house for a Super Bowl one year. I don't remember. It was that year that I fucked up. And the year you had to drag out the fucking Mexican biker guy. Oh, Jesus.

We had no dress code back then i still i vividly remember that i didn't even know chad back then i remember that guy that it was like this is gonna be a problem and i don't know if i want to be a witness or i just want to be out of here about it later yeah that guy was not he had those wraparound shades and the poncho like he was in a fistful of dollars or something and he just sat there like stone face i had to talk that guy out of fighting he wanted to fight oh he he there was something gonna happen he he rode a motorcycle from tucson or phoenix to get here yeah he's andy says that guy still follows him on facebook uh anyway uh so and bingo the whole time. This is Portland, this is my town and I know all

these people. And we walk in there and then we go to the liquor store to reboot our sneaky bottles right around the corner and the guy there says, Oh my God, I can't believe you're in my shop. He's like, you're my

favorite comedian of all time oh i thought he's talking to bingo and then then we go to subway right uh half a block away and the guy from the bar next door walks in it's like one in the afternoon and uh he walks in and he goes hey i don't want to bother you but you're my favorite comedian of all time and if i could buy you a drink next door, I work next door. The Virginia Cafe, JJ. Oh, no, not JJ. JJ is the first guy.

That was Chris and Troy at the Virginia Cafe. I'm like, yeah, we were looking for a place to day drink anyway. I thought it was a diner when I saw the neon sign. I didn't know it was a bar. So I'm like, I just kept busting bingo's balls. Oh, this is your town? This is my town. This town is my town.

At some point, you'd have to go, is there a prank show going on? Because everywhere I've gone, I just... Ashton Freech, your guy goes, I'll polish your shoes for free. You're my favorite comedian. You're like, I don't... Three stops in 15 minutes. Yeah. So it was a fucking blast.

And then we went to the high dive. We saw Mike and Charlene. You remember Mike and Charlene from the party? Portland from the camping trip. You'd know them if you saw them. They actually hooked up. They became a couple at one of the death vows. Oh, you weren't at the Oregon one?

That's why it's weird when you're looking at me and go, you remember the camping trip? Well, I don't know who's there. It's never good when you're not the guy who remembers the camping trip. Charlene and someone. Charlene and Mike. Mike were there, yeah. All right.

I don't want to say he's the guy that always had blow, but that... They'd remember. There's a different Mike and Charlene if your boss is listening. Southside. Andrew? I have a question. Andrew? Our guy is be andrew oh yeah handyman andrew yeah he was up there we we we got drunk early at that event so we bailed out but yeah we saw all of them at the high dive and he's working up there right does annual work he knows

people up there i don't know how much work he does it's he i suspected that it seems like a good time to get the fuck out of dodge here yeah it's nice it's nice up nicer that's the reason he goes up there all right but like i'm sure he works like he works here enough to survive when he wants yeah uh but then leaving portland again the book signing last minute thing and this not kid probably 30s or maybe 40s who knows but he showed up with books on his bicycle that's portland and he's he's like yeah wow i can't believe you actually showed up and he he's like, yeah. And then he's got the tics and the twitches. And he's like, yeah. And I'm perfectly afternoon drinking where I'm social and I'm wearing my suit.

The Portland train station has this most brilliant Mad Men era bar attached to it. And it's fucking gorgeous. And our train's leaving on time and everything's great and this kid's sitting there and i'm talking to him and then he goes i i used to email you a lot but but i stopped as i i immediately said wow your mental illness like when i met him like it's so like branded into your face with the tics and the yeah i've been working through things and but not like dangerous crazy he's just obviously mental illness is part of his life and then i when he said he emails me a lot i go really what

what's your name oh no And he said the name. Don't say it. He's the number... He knows who I'm talking about. And I said, you're the number three most annoying... I've wanted to punch you in the face for so many

years because he's just... That's why he has the tics. He's afraid he's going to get hit again. He's racing. Those are all fl has the tics. He's afraid he's going to get hit again. He's racing. Those are all flinches. The emails weren't like... They were offensive on a level where he'd tell me how... He'd give me links to Tony Robbins stuff and these motivational speakers, how I can make my career better. Backhanded.

So it was offensive on that level. can make my career better backhanded offensive on that level it's like if chad if someone who's some fucking nerd was telling you hey you should watch this how to fight video like fuck you you don't even know anyway he was a sweetheart and i i fucking embraced him because it was just so nice to meet one of these fucking crazy people. Put a face with the shame. I said, please just stop emailing me. And he said, well, I stopped, and now I just email Chaley. And then I tell Chaley about Nate. Chaley had.

I bleep that. I'm not fucking putting it out there. Right now I have 444 unopened emails from this guy. Since March. When he gets 1, a thousand i'm making it spam i just want to see if he can hit it no my number one is about 1800 emails i got from that oh christmas morning we should open all of them i've not read one they just and and it's uh yeah it's i don't it's yeah it's part of my day it's part of my day putting those into a folder that I will never touch

that's my crazies folder I got my very first completely unintelligible email the other day and I think you were copied on it but it was the first one that somebody put me in there I got a new one so I'm going to write it down because I'm not going to say it.

None of that even makes sense. What is that? Yeah, is it that? I think so. Yeah, I get that fucking guy. Sometimes Johnny Depp just wants to reach out. Listen, it makes me feel better about my own... I'm not so bad. Well, I hide it better. I'm go i'm not so bad well i hide it better i'm

that bad i'm horrible i hide it better that's honestly that i'm not gonna fix shit at this point it was nice to meet that guy to know okay this is a mentally ill guy that's not a threat he's not trying to be a troll he's because when i read that like who the fuck do you think you are said oh yeah fucking anthony robbins and this is how like this is how you get healthy and i don't know like oh but that's why i don't engage but you're on his to-do list do you understand that he gets up and goes make my bed take my meds oh and get a hold of shaley i mean i i encouraged him what he told me i know yeah great now i go oh i i'm completely behind that please and i see what it's it might be cathartic for him in his day because some of these missives go for a while and then i get four or five

like just rapid cycling he's going through something i go you know what a bit of my day for a near the wild podcast listener i assume that's why because that's the email he's going through something i go you know what a bit of my day for a near the wild podcast listener i assume that's why because that's the email he's hitting uh i go if look it's just me hitting save i'm not reading them but i think he might be getting something out of being able to do that and we're that desperate for listeners hey a win's a win a win's a win uh yeah there's there's there's a couple others but we won't talk about doug i have a question yeah um good because i don't have there's a there's a thing now i call the stanhope rule uh when they read the pre-flight announcements the when they run the video or whatever where you're not allowed to bring your own. They just started doing this. They say it's illegal to bring your own liquor and to consume it on a plane.

I take credit for that. Yeah. I call it the Doug Stanoff rule. And it's because you've been so drunk, they figured out they didn't serve you. Well, I've been so forthcoming in how to do this. Even in the book, I have a, this is how to fly drunk, like, little page. You even said, I'm going to fuck this up, because I sang it. You did.

And they even, on one flight we were on, didn't do the smoking, no smoking announcement, but did do. Because I also have a bit about. I was on that flight. Yeah, it was a bit about, why do they still have this non-smoking announcement? Do you ever get on a city bus and they say, remember, according to federal regulations, colored people can sit wherever they want. Is that true? You've never been to San Antonio on a train.

Because then you'd know, you'd be on a bus. The question is, how do you find the sneaky bottles work on the train? Is there any mention? The last train from Portland, well, the third leg. The last leg. They said, oh, no, if you're in a sleeping car, you can do that. But they'd make fucking prison announcements. They even have what is the equivalent of an Amtrak Sky Club in Chicago, the Metropolitan Lounge. If you have a sleeper car, you can go in there, and they have basically nothing.

They have coffee and some soft drinks, and then they're making the announcement, All right, if you're going on the Portland train, it doesn't matter if you have a sleeping car. There's no food until dinner. I know it's a 2 o'clock train, but it won't be lunch. I don't care if the train's at 2 o'clock, 3 o'clock, 5 o'clock. There's no food until dinner. Just screaming at you. He didn't say 4 o'clock.

And then you get on the train. And then you're 4 o'clock. And then you get on the train. And then you're 4 o'clock. We get on the train at 2.30 and they go, okay, well now I'll be taking reservations for lunch after this B rating. When you first told me about this, my first response was, why do you want to do that?

That sounds horrible. And you said, well, but I'm getting a car. So? And then the first tweet I, but I'm getting a car. So? And then the first tweet I see, we're getting an airplane. We're not going to ride the bus for seven hours. And then you tweeted back. Well, because you told Amtrak and Amtrak tweeted you. We appreciate you being so patient with this situation.

They jeeped them. They jeeped them. Publicly they went, is there anything we can do and then privately they went go fuck yourself you're gonna fly fly well they said oh sorry mr stanham you had such an inconvenience what would you like to say and then they get on the thing wait that's when they tweeted they said uh get back to us at the end of your trip because i said i'm on a 10 day thing and they go well get back to us at the end of your trip. Cause I said, I'm on a 10 day thing and they go, well,

get back to us at the end of the trip. So after the bus, there'll be more problems coming up. Oh, I call one customer service. Why put a list? Motherfucker. Why put a list right now?

Wait, wait, wait. That's exactly. Cause when I'm on the 800 number, one 800 USA rail, feel free to call them. I said,

because I'm just going to charge this back on my card because I'm not taking this leg at least partially. And she goes, just get back to us at the end of your trip. And I go, so what you're saying basically is yeah, I'm probably going to have

more problems over the next eight days. Start a tab. And she laughed and said, yep. Oh, no. Because the leg from Portland to L.A., we have an hour between when we're supposed to get in L.A. and the train leaves from L.A. to Tucson. And I know Amtrak's never been that punctual.

So I'm like, we're not going to make this fucking train. And I'm talking to Cindy from Amtrak, fucking fantastic lady, and I said, there's no way we're making this LA train. She's like, probably not. I've never seen it.

My 23 years that was when you uh you might make it if you hit the other train you called me because we were we were in at the bretchels in la and you uh something you called me you were obviously there was another because you kept texting me, just stay in LA. Come on. That was on the way out. I was thinking maybe if you had a layover, we would go down to the train station and do an on-the-spot podcast, which would be funny. But then I thought, wait a minute.

We don't have to do that. He's going to miss it. They're going to fucking miss it, and then we'll go pick him up, and then he'll just spend the night here. Turns out it didn't work that way and you were you were worried that you weren't gonna make it and i figured you don't want to you don't want to book a hotel no no no you can't get a refund so we're like fuck it we'll just wing it and whatever happens happens that was the whole point of doing the train trip we We know we're going to get fucked. But on this trip, I was getting a little showy after meeting the email stalker guy and then having some afternoon cocktails.

And then I think it was Eugene, Oregon, where I did a book signing thing where a guy showed up. And I'm signing books. I'm wearing my weird suit again. And I'm signing books outside of wearing my weird suit again and i'm signing book books outside of the the train while i'm smoking and then you know people are asking questions and i got oh you have a book and can i look and then people are looking it up and by the next morning everyone on the fucking amtrak staff knows who the fuck i am and then yeah still no bingo are you rubbing that in her face no no well people knew bingo just kidding uh yeah but i i did rub everything in her face of course vacation she

stands out uh everyone loves her hair i bet you had a lot of opportunities to go there's your boyfriend on the amtrak here smell hey I always do that. Smell my fame. Smell my fame. I love that Becker did two fingers. Smell my fame. That's two fingers. So that afternoon,

evening, the guy two cars, sleeping cars, down from me with his wife and kid or kids. I don't know if he had more than one in there. He's going to Sierra Vista and he knows who I am and he stopped by my room. I still can't believe I'm on the same train!

Like, yeah! Get up for breakfast. Now I'm not so showy and I don't want to be known. Certainly. So I sit down. Another Asian mother-child thing. don't guess that would be could have been filipino and i'm a single so it's a four top so they're on one side and i'm on the

other side on the window and then the wife of that guy sits down and i'm gonna book in my face hey by the way let me plug the books I read on the train. Artie Lang's book. It's about fucking gambling. Want to Bet, I think it's called. A book I have to finish is called Insane about the mass incarceration of mentally ill people in prisons

and I stopped reading that because it was really not vacation material but I'll get back to it. It's fucking very important but that's a downer. And Justine Bateman's book, Fame, is fucking brilliant. Anyway. It's something...

It's called Fame. No, Fame and then something, there's a part of it. It's about the reality of being famous in this day and age, and Tracy's reading it right now. It's so good. But we'll plug... It doesn't come out until October. Pre-order it on Amazon. So, yeah, we'll plug the shit out of it then so hold on okay let me get back to this but look at this there's la station right that's la station look at portland yeah how fucking beautiful that that train station is well la la union station is fucking gorgeous it's in the

movies all the time i'm just saying look at how the regal portland station is i gorgeous too. It's in the movies all the time. I'm just saying, look at how regal Portland station is. I remember being at that station. I'm going Portland, LA. That's the only leg I'm doing. Non-stop. Well, you know, non-stop. That's a relative term. We've done that leg a bunch of times and I don't remember any of them. I remember once with cocaine

and like the family sleeper that it's the bottom floor where it goes so you have both windows you have the full we were going to a gig and we barely made the train in portland to and you left your fucking toothbrush at the at the uh hotel and they sent it you called and they sent it we're going to Fullerton I think that's the same trip with the ballroom show with the mat toy they drove

they beat us Costa Rica Kevin shows up we go to sushi before the show and we want blow and Costa Rica Kevin calls his friend and very loudly in the sushi bar at a table with like,

like eight, nine, 10 people at Kevin is like on the side somewhere. Of course he's using code words. Oh, he's using the most obvious code words. Hey, um,

uh, we want to go snow skiing tonight. We're looking for about eight inches of snow how are the slopes things everything open for business and as we're all collapsing under the table sliding down in our chairs he closes us by going okay i going to be a Doug Stanoff show at the Fullerton Theater, 835 West 9th Street. It starts at 8 p.m. Just go right to the green room. Anyway, the guy from, he's going to Sierra Vista. And that's also the same train connection you're going to need.

The wife sits down next to me. If you're listening to this, sir, Larry. Don't listen to this, Larry. My name is Larry. It was just an honest moment where the wife sat down next to me at breakfast, and I have my face in a book. I have don't talk to me and hangover reeking out of every pore. book i have don't talk to me and hang over reeking out of every pore and she immediately talks to the asian people across she goes oh uh we're on a train i think she said she was they were coming

from alaska and because my son is a make-a-wish foundation kid and he's afraid of flying which is like bait like yeah what's he afraid he's gonna die he's afraid of flying doesn't he know what's coming up the point is they did not know enough english to know what make a wish foundation is i do i'm not gonna get involved in this conversation at 8 30 in the fucking morning. Drunk, I would definitely be asking questions. You got a lot more food to deliver. But then we stop at a smoke break somewhere

halfway back to LA and I'm talking to Cindy, my train car lady, and I go, what's up with the Make-A-Wish? That's a maker. And she goes, yeah, I, God, if you're listening to this, it's going to be really fucking bad. But. For who?

The people that were on that train. Because, you know, that's when they'd listen to my podcast is because, hey, we're just on a train with that guy. Let's listen to his podcast about the train. Catch up. Yeah. What's this guy about like all due respect the our car lady says yeah at first i thought it was the mother oh my god and i go no make a wish is only up to 18 years old but then i had the epiphany if they have a make a wish foundation kid on the train they're gonna hold that other train because they're on my train that i have to make connection and they held that fucking train and i'm like oh my god it was one of those times where i like i fist pumped for all the wrong reasons. Oh, make a wish foundation.

We're going to make a train. And something about that kid. Yeah. Talk about missed connections. So, yeah, we made the train. Everybody won, though. That's a great story. It was like 10 o'clock at night, and some lovely lady was waiting at the L.A. train with a bottle of booze and stuff and mixers and grapefruit juice.

Like the Make-A-Wish Kid. I'm sorry. I wrote your name down somewhere, lady, but that was- Try to call the Make-A-Wish Kid's booze. CBD oil and bandages and a helmet. How do you not remember her name? That's the one you remember. That's the one you should remember.

You got Gabby Hayes. You had seven butlers on the train, and you remember all of them. Well, Gabby Hayes I remember because I fucking embarrassed myself by calling her a butthole surfer across the fucking giant viewing car full of Amish folks. All right. Amish folks. All right. Two times I tried to keep my phone off as much as I could. I turned it on to tweet the Haver Montana book signing. But for the most part, I wasn't fucking no Twitter, no news, or not reading it at least.

I'd post and then fucking bail. And it was so nice. And it was so nice. The two times my phone blew up once was someone put on a local Bisbee Facebook page, a Photoshopped Doug Stanhope for mayor signs because our elections are coming up. So the streets are loaded with signs and they photoshopped a giant one of mine in two different locations. So my phone, I turn it on, and then... Are you really? Is this true? Is it, like, what?

And then Chaley told me it was all Photoshopped, so I ignored that. And the other time was James Inman. Fucking call me! It's an emergency! We'll get into that after this break, because I gotta piss and have COCKTAILS! Hey, you fucking losers. Are you sitting

here on a Sunday morning drinking Bloody Marys like we are? Your Bloody Marys sucks because you're not using Teocetes. Bland food, hemorrhoids, erectile dysfunction, hangover, lonely, bored, allergies. Ask your server if Agua Chiltepin is right for you.

Agua Chiltepin is made by our friends Nurse Betty and Bartender Cedric. Right here in Bisbee. Cook with it. Use it as a mixer. Drink it straight. Clear out your fucking colon. It's fucking fire water that makes the perfect Bloody Mary. I don't drink a Bloody Mary unless it's got T-O-C-E-D-D-Y.com.

Write it down, asshole. I'll pause. T-I-O T-O, which means uncle in Spanish. Build the wall! SETI. S-E Oh, C-E C-E. C-E. Cedric!

It's fucking the... T-O SETI. It's T-I-O C-E D-D-Y dot com. And yeah, you're gonna be the only one on your block that has it. And you're going to be the only one on your block that can make a perfect Bloody Mary. Go eat shit. Did you just end that with go eat shit?

Yeah, I closed it with go eat shit because I was going to say go fuck yourself. But then fucking Bill Burr coined a term that everybody says. But then, oh, Bill Burr said that. No, everyone fucking said that. Bill Burr ever say T-O-C-T-E-S dot com? No, because he doesn't drink a Bloody Mary because he's worried about his liver and his kids. Fuck him. Go fuck Bill Burr.

That's my new catchphrase. him go fuck bill burr that's my new catchphrase all right some uh quick thank you someone uh sent bingo a whiskey girl bikini top says whiskey on one tit girl on the other no name she loves it she says thank you i'm sure there's a million other thank yous. What do you have? Well, when we were gone, Bill Nash from Nash Guitars sent some cash to Chad. Absolutely. Thank you, Bill. Some more stolen Bibles. Some Nash Guitar t-shirts and stickers. And he sent me a book called 72 Raisins by someone by the name of Nicky, N-I-K-K-I, Nash.

I don't know. I don't know anything about it. I haven't started reading it yet. But it might be. Oh, by the way. It might be his daughter. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, Nash.

What? I'm sorry. I just put that together. But it reminded me that the eBay yard sale, if you're listening to this when it comes out, it's midway through the eBay yard sale, if you're listening to this when it comes out, it's midway through the eBay yard sale, and we are selling books we've talked about on this podcast that people sent us ironically. I forget the exact title, but they stole my babies away from me.

Remember that one? Yes. It's so fucking good. Like, they stole my babies. The title is misspelled. It's a self-published. Oh, and while we were at the comedy store recently, someone brought up audiobooks, and Rabbit came up.

Oh, yeah. And Tracy and I were like, no, that's a great one. Fucking great. Miss Pat. We went through five. I couldn't remember who it was, but I'm like, we went through, because Eric's in the liquor store. We went through five chapters, couldn't remember who it was, but I'm like, we went through, because Eric said we got a liquor store. We went through five chapters, and then finally Doug goes, oh, liquor store means liquor store.

I tweeted that out, and then you guys told me that independent. I was like, I thought I was the only one. I'm glad that was funny. And that's why the author needs to read their own writing. They don't have a Chad Shank, they carry the bulk. Someone actually tweeted me today saying, yeah, our last podcast, the Brooks Brown, which I fucking knew was one of our best podcasts ever, was accused of being a third Columbine shooter. The third shooter that wasn't was the name of the title and i've got a lot of compliments and one tweet that said uh it was great but chaley's voice is so annoying oh you

save that for now while we're on the air to tell me of course thanks well i i know i can't listen i go all of our voices are annoying when you're sitting next to chad shank i i'm the only one that listens to this podcast out of this group in this room i'm the only one that listens to this podcast out of this group. In this room, I'm the only one that listens. And I have to listen to it with a critical ear and somehow still keep my voice in. So, fuck you. I commend you completely. Because to be fair, I've been listening to ones that I'm not on.

Yeah. To try to do the same thing, listen critically. But I won't listen to the ones I'm on, for sure. We were talking last night about taking this podcast on the road, doing it live. And when he says talking, he means he was pontificating while in a mushroom binge, drunk, and way past his bedtime. Was he awake or asleep for this conversation? I assume sleepwalking. I remember it because of the mushrooms. And I haven't done mushrooms in a long time.

And it was nice. Well, I assume Memento over here wrote it on his arm with a marker because he usually doesn't remember anything he says. I tell him to do that, and he goes, well, you're telling me now. Why don't you just write it on your arm? I'm like, but... Because I bathe. I will remember. You're the one who needs to remember so that we can pick up where we left off and not like, I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, look at your fucking arm or your toe or your thigh or wherever you fucking put it. We just had our tiny little bathroom remodeled and I don't want to spoil it by using it to shower. Yeah. Oh, check this out. by using it to shower. Yeah, oh, check this out. So yesterday, I'm in the back of the property from where Doug lives right now, where the fun house is and the main house.

Tell the stalkers. I start running. When you get tired of emailing and want to visit in person, he's right behind us. I'm cleaning up the yard. I got some more pea gravel. I'm going to get these leaves out of here, but I'm putting my headphones yard. I got some more pea gravel. I'm going to get these leaves out of here. But I'm putting my headphones in so I can listen to a podcast.

And I'm running the... Blowing all the leaves because I didn't get a rake. And we are just kicking in a mushroom. So the sound of a leaf blower is... Unbeknownst to me, they're day drugging, right? And I come back and like I'm just doing everything and I'm just I'm in my own little world right

hey we're in our 50s by the way I'm looking at where I had the like a pump sprayer to spray some weed killer in the yard and I'm going is that thing leaking it's like right where the the nozzle i go i didn't it doesn't have any pressure in it so it's one of those things like what's going on

here i just pick it up and i'm like looking at it open it fuck i don't how did this all leak out it's pointing uphill like nothing made sense well i Bingo, once the leaf blower started and I went down and made sure it was Chaley, I go, I'm going to pee from my property onto his property, which is one step. We have an adjoining through a common door. Somebody's bragging about their prostate right now. Oh, nothing loosens your prostate up like mushrooms. You can evacuate freely. You don't even have to push.

It just falls out of you like your water broke. I'm more impressed that he made a hand motion like he was holding a hose with his thumb over it. Like, goddamn. Like to get distance? Yeah. Wow. I'm going to wash their windows. So I go and I'm standing right in front of me, but face the other way with his earphones in.

So I'm just pissing like right at him. It could be hitting my leg and I wouldn't know it because I had long pants on. And I'm like, I'm trying. I'm still wondering as I'm spraying something like this thing must be broken, but it's working fine now. And then Doug finally calls me and goes like, what the fuck are you doing? And he starts giving me the whole jazz about it. Why are you doing a leaf blow around on my mushrooms? Well, fucking I guess I didn't read the paper today.

I didn't know it was mushroom day. Check your arm. And then he tells me he pissed. Check your arm. Then he tells me he pissed. And I'm like, oh, it's not broken. It works. And then I'm like, wait a minute.

This thing is covered in his piss. I think I hung up after that. But yeah. On the bright side, Stan hopes piss will still repel bugs probably or kill weeds. If anything kills the weeds. Where it goes, nothing grows. All right. Hold on goes, nothing grows. All right, let's...

Hold on, one more thing. Justine Bateman's book is called Fame, The Hijacking of Reality. It's not out yet, but it's out soon. Pre-order it. We'll put the pre-order link on the website. It's fucking fantastic. She's awesome.

I got an email. This guy, he says he'll come on the website it's fucking fantastic she's awesome uh uh i get an email this guy he says he'll come on the podcast he uh he used to be a bisbee police dispatcher uh fucking he's got a weird name like it's don't use his name yeah anyway but he he's fine he wants to be a guest and i said we're kind of slipshod with when we do podcasts, we, they come out on Wednesday, but when we taped them, he lives in Tucson now, but he said that he was a dispatcher from 2009 to 2014.

And because of our podcast, he would try to write up the reports in a funny way. So they would pick them up so that he could hear you read them, Chad Shank. And yeah, he's got some fun stories. So hopefully we'll get him on a podcast at some point. I said next time you're in Bisbee anyway. He lives in Tucson, but he says he comes back down. We'll get him on the podcast because we've always wanted to know the backstory to how the... He said he also

worked for the Bisbee Observer. I think he has relatives who live here, too. Yeah, he says he comes down. Frequently enough. So, yeah, hopefully he comes down. Just reach out and we'll figure something out. I told him that. Yanis Poppy for Justice of the Peace. If you're in Bisbee and you're voting

in the primaries, I think he's running unopposed now. I was going to say, because of equal time, we're going to let his opponent come on and say something? No, his opponent dropped out. I was going to do a whole commercial for him, but I'm not doing it now. Yanis Papi, for justice of the peace. He was a police officer and a police sergeant for a million years. Yanis Papi. He's come over and told us to turn our music down, and we did.

Vote Yanis Papi. A man with results. A man who got 100% of the vote. Yanis Papi. He beat me at arm wrestling once. And he's Chad Shang. So vote Yanis Papi. Wait a minute. That means you can do a write-in. So me or

Becker could get votes that are reported. Bingo already fucking texted him and saying, hey, I'm running against you. I just announced. As soon as Malenga dropped out, she goes, now I'm running. She has more experience with law. No, incarcerated. I just found this running she has more experience with law no incarcerated i just i just have a g1

i just found this note and it's nothing but if anyone is a fucking skilled entrepreneur and you want to make a million dollars because of the train prison announcements any smoking will not be allowed on the the leg from uh chicago to portland when you're going through north dakota you get all these fucking roughnecks the oil worker fucks and they're just like i stayed out of the viewing car they're just like hard party uh outside alcohol if we catch you drinking it we will the next stop will be your last stop. And any kind of smoking, whoever's smoking in the bathrooms, we will throw you off the train. E-cigarettes, any kind of cigarette.

If you could make an e-cigarette that is in the form of an asthma inhaler. Oh. You could smoke on planes. You could make also a vape thing. You could do smoke pot, do cocaine. It's an atomizer instead of being something that... You could do cocaine now without anybody else knowing. That's not a real mistake.

Put it in nasal spray. Right there, just looking at a cop going, I'm wheezing. It's a condition. There's my million dollar idea for you. People call me, hey, you need an assistant? Come build an asthma inhaler. The people who make those like... And also make one for alcohol.

They can't take it when you go into a venue, but you could have four asthma inhalers and you're bringing four shots into a concert where they charge you nine bucks for a beer. It seems like those people that make those Heidi places in an aerosol can, this would be right. They should have a team that is R&D in this already. Yeah, this should be a thing. They should always have ideas on how to sneak something somewhere in a spray and starch container.

Smoking a nicotine patch? Smoking a nicotine patch? Yeah, get your eyes a cut. The only thing I've ever smuggled places is weed. I would always need it. And I would take a little leather pouch, and I could put weed in a pipe in there, and then tie it on, and then put it underneath my balls. I thought you did that for fun.

So it winds up. Well, just now, I'm just imagining how much more weed I could smuggle somewhere. I'm beginning to think it doesn't smell like skunk at all. It smells like your balls. Someone just asked me about coming here with weed. And I go, no, that's not the problem. It's leaving Bisbee. How do you – I don't smoke weed, so I never got a problem.

The only time we're ever going to get pulled over is when we're smearing oil, weed oil on the car to try and get pulled over. How do you get through with the dog through the checkpoints? I think the dogs are looking for, one, people who aren't white, probably. I think those are Mexican sniffing dogs is what they are. I don't even think they're looking for drugs. You really should have a jacket. Oh, no, Andy got busted.

I've heard of people. Did he at the border? I've said this on the podcast before and people tell me not to but I usually will have weed with me you'll have it in one of those containers I tweeted one time with the hashtag white privilege because the dog started barking at me

and the guy smacked it on the head and told it to be nice I was like oh here's the time I'm going to be in trouble the only thing I do is I'll usually just take a couple of joints with me and I put them in those airtight snap containers. Like an old film container.

Well, they have specific joint holders now, Grandpa. That's right. Who would know what a film container is? What's film? It builds up on your teeth. An airtight sealed container. And then, again, I think they're looking for big quantities.

And then you keep it in your pocket because the only thing I've ever seen is them search a vehicle. They'll have you move off to the side. And, again, it doesn't happen to me. They don't usually do ball searches on the side of the road. Searching your person takes a different level of interrogation. And a smaller dog. And do you really want to... Chihuahua's got to work.

Who wants to be the guy that made the bust for the eighth of weed? You know what I mean? They're busting trunks full and taking pictures with their shotguns and dogs and stuff. What are you going to do? That's the equivalent of catching bait and trying to take a picture with it. Becky and I are new here, but what we've come up with is one of those potato guns. And what you do is you just open your sunroof right before you get to the checkpoint, shoot it in the air. And because we're white, they go, just go.

And we just go, and then we catch it back in the sunroof. Oh, the little army man with the parachute. Yeah, it just comes back down, lands right in. The trick is to get to land through the sunroof. Yeah, that's the game. They usually just call me sir when I drive through there, so it's not a problem. I'm more offended at the big apparatus of infrared cameras that scans your face when you go through it. Do you ever open an umbrella in the car right when you're done with it?

Every time I want to go to Tucson, I have to have all of my rights violated completely. I do a thing where I put my hand, like right when we get up to it, I put my hand on the steering wheel at the top, at the 12 position, and I'm looking at the cameras and I can't see them because my R4 arms are in the way. And that looks so much more suspicious than carrying a pound of weed. I've thought about doing things to fuck with it, but then I remember I have weed in my pocket and I'm just trying to get through. That's true.

I'm golden. I should just put on a fucking Ronald Reagan mask. What? Take it off when they ask me. Absolutely. There's nothing against wearing a ski mask when you go through that portion of the border patrol. What's your question? I'll take it off for the live guy up here.

Yeah, he's gone. Boy, it's chilly, right? Chilly, isn't it? Monsoons. The air is kicking my ass. All right, this is going to be a part. We're going to have to do a two-parter. You got one in you?

Yeah, yeah. We'll do the second because Chad has fucking amazing stories and this has already gone like an hour and fucking 20 minutes or something. I don't know. It's long. Well, I don't have an amazing story.

Don't intro me like that. Well, we... I didn't. We gotta get to the James Inman. I've already teased it. I'll intro that story, but I'm more intrigued, because you guys are gonna tell me what's going on there. This is the cliffhanger of all cliffhangers.

No, the next one will be, because we don't know what the fuck's going to happen. Oh, I know what's going to happen. Tell me. I'm tuning in. Chad fell apart. Oh. Yeah. Alright, I'll tell that story to you. Okay, hey, thank you for listening, and please support, buy

some merch, fuck up the eBay yard, no, don't fuck up the eBay yard sale sale you fucking drunk asshole don't be a lot of cool stuff yeah a lot of cool stuff and bingo's book is out on audible bingo yeah let me out on audible and thanks for listening all right we got thank yous is all I know of for right now. Oh, wait, are we going into a... We're at one podcast right now.

Do you want to throw it to a part two? We'll see how it goes. We're at the end of one podcast now. What's one podcast, an hour? 44 plus we had 25 before. So yeah, we're over an hour right now. All right. All right, what? 25 before. So yeah, we're over an hour right now. Alright. So if we throw to a part two,

or do you just want to do a long podcast? My idea was, on Wednesdays, put out two if it goes this long. What are you looking at me like that for? You're now asking me, I'm listening to you. I'm asking for a quorum. you're asking me now what my opinion is when last night you told me what we're gonna do so i'm a little confused well right now it was in between where i was talking in my sleep you were also on uh mushrooms did you hear about that he was telling me how to edit the podcast last night i was yelling at james inman and him in my sleep, and Bingo's just sitting there watching me yell at him about how to edit the podcast and yelling at James Inman. Once again, basically watching Doug get in a fistfight and not do anything.

She should have been recording. I go, just call me. I won't pick up and voicemail it. I want to hear how I should be doing better at this job. Listen, what we should do is come back and do thank yous and go, we got too much to talk about. Part two coming up. And then throw it. And then just save the throw.

No music unless it's someone licensed through us. Because I'm starting to see people because we put stuff on YouTube. I'm seeing people getting shut down for copyright. That's the first one that will happen. It's your channel that will get shut down. We can plug people that we found, though.

What? I found a cool band. Are you talking about killing someone? I found a cool band on YouTube. No, we can't do anything unless... No, no, not to play it. Just to say it. Yeah.

To recommend it. Yeah, sure. Thank you for writing a good song. Yeah. Several of them. I like them. Shall we? Yeah, we're ready