The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #275: Stanhope & Gump Both Lose Their Shit in a Toilet

Episode Date: September 5, 2018

Doug suffers a tragic accident while Gump sorta almost creates one. It's all in there. Plus, Chad Shank with another Bisbee Observer Police Beat. (Subscribe HERE - [http://www.thebisbeeobserver.com/bisbee-observer-subscribe.aspx](http://www.thebisbeeobserver.com/bisbee-observer-subscribe.aspx) ) Questions for the podcast – Send email to [e-mail] Recorded Sept. 1st, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Mr. Gump (@The**Gumps**), Mat Becker (@houdini357), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille. This episode is sponsored by [MyBookie.ag](MyBookie.ag) - Sign up today and MyBookie will match your deposit dollar for dollar. Use promo code STANHOPE when creating your account to claim the bonus. STANHOPE MERCH - NEW! Chad Shank T-Shirts, “Popov Vodka Presents” VHS Tapes and the NEW KILLER TERMITES T-Shirt now available at [http://www.DougStanhope.com/store](http://www.DougStanhope.com/store) Get on the Mailing List at [www.dougstanhope.com](www.dougstanhope.com). Cool shit is on the horizon and you don't want to miss out. You have been warned. Chad Shank Voice Over info at http://www.AudioShank.com Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org) Support The Florence Project - The Florence Immigrant and Refugee Rights Project is the only organization in Arizona that provides free legal and social services to detained men, women, and children under threat of deportation - [https://firrp.org/](https://firrp.org/) Closing song “Castle ColdCut Kenny Rap” by CastleRockKenny only on the Doug Stanhope Podcast.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Fire hazard. Fire hazard. Hey, Doug. Is the TV muted? I turned it off. I muted it. Well, that started out with a bang. I came in here and you guys are still listening to ukulele music and no one was talking.

I thought everyone was gone. It's a calming effect of ukuleles. But when I walk up, I can hear usually Chad tell a story of like a fight or a gonna be a fight or something. He told those stories. He went late. Okay. I said 3 p. something. He told those stories. You went late. Okay. I said 3 p.m. You showed up at like 3.40.

I had to get dressed. All of our stories were told. I shouted stories over ukulele music the whole time you were gone. Because you guys were wiped out by the time I got here? Poop dominated the conversation. Oh, man. Yeah. You know what?

I got to tell you. Hearts are funny, but poop's a close number two. Poop's a closer. When you kept telling me to check the tweets, I had my phone on me. And then you're like, well, just wait. And I go, no, I want to see this. And I didn't know what you had done. But then when I went and checked it, I'm not going to tip it right now.

When I went to check it, I played it out to tracy where she was like had like uh-oh what happened like it was like who who got hurt where's your suit he says why'd you change back into pajamas we're going to a party tonight where's your suit he goes check my tweet and i go oh this is gonna be good yeah but when i when tracy finally was like oh my god like what what i go i'm pulling it up i'm pulling it up i just'm pulling it up. I just waited. It was right in front of her. I flipped it. That sport coat is dry clean only.

That means it's shitty. I shit my entire clothes. Oh, it didn't hit the socks. Socks are good. Some actually made it onto the toilet then. Oh, yeah. A lot of it made it into the toilet. It was the stuff that didn't.

Modern clothing wouldn't have fared as well. The other a lot of it that didn't make it into the toilet. Fucking Morgan Murphy had the... I was at the car show and had the pacer down there. 75 pacer. So I had to dress up and use car salesman clothes to go hang around the Pacer. And then I realized I had a shotgun, violent diarrhea. And that's a good three blocks, four blocks away.

Yes. Uphill. Hop, skip, and a dump. Yeah. Turns out. So it was a very tentative walk. It's a slight incline, but for me, that's a fucking mountain. And I almost made it.

I was like four steps away. Once your brain is aware that you're that close to the toilet, it's time ahead of time. It's the time clock. Rocketing. When you know you're so far away, and then all of a sudden the door's locked because someone else is in there, that timer's going off.

It's done. At your luckiest, you fart and then sit immediately in it, or you fart in your own face. You weren't that lucky. To quote Otto and George, the late great Otto and George, I guess George is still alive, the dummy. Yes, my asshole was

rocketing yoo-hoo. So yeah, I shat all over the seat, the wall. It was just projectile vomit from your asshole. And so that dominated the conversation, waiting for Chaley, who was late. We started four. I read a bunch of the, I put it on Twitter, of course, the picture. Yeah.

Because you want to share these special moments with close friends. A lot of us disagree with that. I was wearing... The outfit I was wearing still had... The shirt and pants still had the thrift store tags on them. Oh, so you can take them back. I was going to say, I shat my brand new clothes. No questions asked. With tags. brand new clothes. No questions asked. New with tags.

Seven days return, no questions asked. Morgan Murphy had the best line. She goes, that might be the second time someone shit those pants. Bingo texted, because she was out front looking for her uh vape pen thing in the cars and i stopped just briefly on my hurried walk in going what are you looking for and uh oh just and i said uh yeah that that was the two seconds that was give me steps. Give me two steps, mister, to get to that toilet. Just stopping just for that brief moment. Tommy stopped and locked the door.

Yes. And so I sent her a picture of the violence, train spotting scene. Look what you did. It's your fault. You're vaping. She texted back and said, I'll be home soon to help you clean up.

And I go, that's the nicest thing ever. And then I said, don't worry. I already had Mrs. Gump do it, which I didn't really. It's still sitting there. Mrs. Gump tweeted me saying, I ain't cleaning that up, or texted me, typed at me. I'm not cleaning that up. I go, oh, no, I'm keeping that for all of football season.

I'm very superstitious. No, we should put names in a hat and everybody draw a name. And somebody gets one with a turd on it. I cleaned it up. The laundry, you can put the laundry in the dryer. Bingo. Is it one ply or two ply? Laundry.

I set it for the longer wash. You set it for extra shitty? Wait, you rinsed it out in the shower or something first, right? No. No. Why would you ruin the shower, too? Run some bleach through that washer. What are you talking about? That's where he peed. What are you talking about?

That's where he peed. I got, like, I went to wipe, and I go, oh, it's my whole ass. My cheeks, everything. Yeah, fortunately, it's just one step into the shower. You were technically brown-faced. Actually, you probably should have just gone in the shower. Hose me off like a baby in the yard. Yeah.

Remember, that was always the thing. You'd see the people hosing their kids off in the yard, and you never realized why. But that was a very small version of what you did. We might have sold the Pacer. I don't know. I don't know. I didn't win any awards. Don't get too ahead of yourself here.

It's a car show. People are very excited. There's a lot of fucking badass cars. God, there was one. And they're from Bis bisbee and i wrote their name down and everything and then when he dies hopefully the widow miss whatever his name is won't know what the vehicle is worth but no it's beautiful is that skylark like a 56 i'm like i'm numb to the names now. A big, long, red convertible, and it was just immaculate. It was an Eldorado. I could...

Might be the one you're talking about. The Eldorado long, red convertible with the white seats? Yeah, white seats. Yeah. That is Eldorado. But that's a Skylark Eldorado. Beggar's never wrong. A Skylark Eldorado.

Fine. Very limited edition. That's what the windshield said. So I assume the guy who wrote out his own ticket probably knew. There was a baby blue Dodge Dart in the 60s. It was gorgeous. But there was nothing like the fucking Pacers. Nothing from the 70s at all.

There was no Gremlins or Pintos or Vegas. They're actually really hard to find. I mean, obviously, like Gremlins and Pintos and Pacers. Well, that one is. No, but their prices have shot into the roof. I'm agreeing obviously, like Gremlins and Pintos and Pacers. Well, that one is. No, but their prices have shot into the roof. I'm agreeing with you. Just settle down. I'm agreeing with you.

That one's vetted because of the brochure, and it is such good condition. I mean, you can tell next to the other cars. But it's still not a Gremlin. I'm working you on the price now. That's what someone said. They turned this into a Gremlin. Well, I don't know if it really works like that. Yeah, I don't know if they have categories.

We actually registered for the car show. I personally, it was AJ that he's got the garage. He's storing it. And so he's the one, him and Gump, who is coming up on the podcast. We're doing the Adopt the Gumps. You don't know the Gump story yet, Chad. I do not. Yeah.

I don't know all of it. I think they really need to get the fuck out of this town. We'll get to that. Good teeth. But, yeah, Gump came down with AJ, and they polished it up. Well, Kenny helped us polish it up. AJ and I were having a good morning, taking our time, and Kenny showed up and made us actually work.

No shit, Kenny? He did. That's a weird pecking order. Was the golf course closed today, Kenny? I think it changes all the time. I'm not even sure what the pecking order is. It's kind of like when we went to Daytona, and it was Andy Andrus, Junior Stopka, and Sean Rouse.

And like, who's in charge of this? It's the same kind of pecking order where you go, who steps up into the management position? It was Junior, turns out. Which was, yeah, that was shocking. You're in charge? I'll wait in the car while you guys smoke crack management yeah

kill the headlights and put it in neutral I'd say there were about 100 cars there maybe but they were really good cars usually we're used to Bisbee events not really turning out that good this is warren

this we're in a subdivision but it's perfect because we have no businesses on arizona street so all those parking spots just go to waste until there's a car show well the chalice have a business down there selling merch that's where they store the merch in some leaky office on Arizona Street. With mice. Buy merch, please. One less mouse now. So I noticed a lot of really great cars that were fucked up. Like the first one I saw was that white and green striped station wagon. It was probably a 1961 or something. 64. 64. Sorry. Windows. But they made a 1961 or something. 64.

64. Sorry. Windows. But they made it a fucking lowrider. Yeah, and then they made it in pinstripes and a green metallic roof. I love the pay job. No, the green metallic roof was too much.

When I saw it, it sparkled. The roof was the only problem I had. But it's a fucking lowrider. You took a beautiful car and made it a piece of shit. That's what happens. That's why they don't keep their kids. They bought a beautiful car and made it a piece of shit. That's what happens.

That's why they don't keep their kids. It's this area that has that problem with other cars. I was trying to look for a four-wheel drive truck, like a 70s four-wheel drive truck. I can't tell you how many I found that were lowered. A four-wheel drive pickup truck that has turned into a low rider with low-profile tires. That's within my price range, but I'd have to spend another four grand to put it back to a truck.

It doesn't make sense. There was that one gray one. It was primer gray, and it was like you could not take a brochure and put it between the back bumper and the cement. They put it on hydraulics so they lift it up when they have to move it anywhere. Could you imagine, I think, just getting up Arizona Street? As low as it was, it would not have been able to make it down the block.

Want to go speed bumping? It'll be fun. Couldn't even get into the gas station. I've noticed myself trying to not step on the dog that's not here. Dog's gone. Anyway, so yeah, that was the car show.

And you'll find out. Hopefully you got a lead, but you don't know for the Pacer. Yeah, we could sell it on eBay. You know, I was thinking maybe next time, Gump, I don't know who's in charge of this, next time put a sign on it that says for sale. Oh, yeah. I don't know what happened then. Yeah, Kenny.

Kenny was in charge of this entire project. It really only takes, like, you jog it. I mean, you could have jogged up here and gotten a piece of paper. I think we talked about this last night, where if I thought about it ahead of time, I would have gotten a vintage 1975 for sale sign that didn't cheapen the look but kind of enhanced it. That was last night.

I did start the bidding at $20,000 if anybody's interested. I wonder why it was so close to what the paid out price was. There's no wiggle room. I bought this

drunk on eBay and I know I cannot fucking keep up. It's 45, not even 4,500 original miles. I'm scared to drive it. It's a cake and eat it to situation. You shouldn't drive it. You just sit in it. It needs someone who can care for it. Trailer it to those car shows.

Lord knows if you treat it like a toilet, you're not going to get a can care for it. Trailer it to those car shows. Well, Lord knows, if you treat it like a toilet, you're not going to get a dime out of it. Navajo, my ass. Where do we at time-wise? Well, that's close enough. Let's just... I don't want to get into the gumps and then have to take a break. So let's just i don't want to get into the gumps and then have to take a break

so let's just take the break now and we'll do our beautiful advertisements that we're so good at we're getting so so much better at them thank you for all the people who are tweet or emailing typing at me how much better the fucking podcast is now that I'm retired and we actually spend more time and we have a fucking nice Maybe it's from what Julie Sebaugh said on the last podcast. How like they were unlistenable. Oh yeah, that hurt.

Well, she's a critic. Yeah, she's a... I think everyone thinks maybe you felt bad about it or something. I don't give a shit. You wouldn't even know what she's talking about. I'm enjoying the podcast now. I don't give a shit. You wouldn't even know what she's talking about. I'm enjoying the podcast now. I'm really enjoying doing it. Becker is a fucking huge

asset. Now that he's in town and doing nothing like me, we're both retired, except he's actually doing stuff. Oh, yeah. It's good. It's 53 degrees at home right now. Technically.

And stabby. And Becky's on a cruise ship going through the Puget Sound where I hope she doesn't get attacked by whales or fall off the boat like three other people on Norwegian Sound. All right. Cocktails! What? I thought you were going to...

You kind of sprung that on us. Yeah. I know. I said I want to do it. You can't say we should go to a break. You just got to hold your finger up and we'll do cocktails. Yeah, yeah. We just yell cocktails.

Okay. I got to cut this part. You don't count to three. What are we, the fucking accountant on Sesame Street? Just do this. This is weird. Hold up your drink and shake it. I hate that Jay will cut all this out. No. Cocktails! Cocktails!

You guys take a count to three. Okay, my bookie. NFL time. I know my Twitter blows up by 50% with all you shit talkers who think that you know who's going to win. Well, put your money where your mouth is, at my bookie. Because when I'm betting, I'm actually betting.

I'm not just sitting around talking smack on Twitter. I have money on the game. So why don't you put your money on the game at my bookie? My advice is worth shit. But we have cold cut Kenny with his stale cold picks of the week this opening week week one in the nfl kenny's pick is exactly the opposite without me knowing it of my lock of the week which is the patriots minus six and a half at home against the texans which don't you mean he didn't know what you were picking?

Yeah. Because you would never pick what he's picking. No, you bet against Kenny and you win every time. My bookie should have some kind of bet against Kenny promotion. But remember, it's not who you're betting on. It's just as important as who you're betting with. That's why I always tell my people, bet with my bookie. Trust me, guys.

They're your best bet this season. That's why I'm urging you to make your way to my bookie. You win. They pay. Another fault of Kenny's. Not always good with paying. And we're really not good at collecting. If you're using some charlatan booker that's working out of the back of a meat factory,

yeah, maybe time to get with the times and progress to online gambling at MyBookie. Join now and MyBookie will match your deposit dollar for dollar. Use promo code Stanhope to activate the offer. Visit MyBookie online today. That's M-Y-B-O-O-K-I-E. And don't forget to use the promo code Stanhope when creating your account to claim the

bonus. MyBookie. You play, you win, you get paid. It's a stacking spot. A thousand pennies weighs the same as a thousand feathers. Huh? What?

Nothing. You mean a pound of pennies? I was high school drunk last night. A thousand pennies weigh the same as a thousand feathers. I don't think that's true. Ostrich feathers. See? You owe me a dollar.

What? Ostrich feathers weigh the same as a penny. Okay, we're going. Ostrich feathers. See? You owe me a dollar. Ostrich feathers wear the same as a penny. Okay, we're going. Ostrich feathers, yeah. They're like eight feet long and they have a lot of marrow in them. Ostrich feathers would be of varying lengths and therefore of different weights. You can't just say that ostrich feathers have a distinct weight in them. I'm going to call bullshit on that one.

I'm high-marking all my ostrich feathers. The average mean ostrich feather. If you're going to call bullshit on everything Becker says, you're going to have a big phone bill. I usually like his arguments, and even if I call bullshit, he can usually convince me that I'm wrong. The feather starts at the leg.

Here's some nice emails steve tinsley your podcast is the highlight of my week happy retirement doug your podcast makes my wednesday commute so much better you shank chaley becker so listen to both thanks a million for the free last blah blah blah catch you live on the road thank you jerome Jerome Johnson, who I met in Old Bisbee. This is Jerome. I'm the guy who brought you guys beef jerky Zima. Remember? It's still... Yeah, that's how...

Zima is still here somewhere. That's how much marketing worked back in the day. There's no commercials now, so no one will drink it. He brought the beef jerky that I think Andrew got some and Becker got some. Yeah. Oh, that was really good. Yeah.

Yeah. He's going to bring more by sometime. Do it, but don't do it there. Don't drop it here because it gets lost. People think, just drop it at someone. Letter D Lovegrove said he listens to the podcast on his five-hour drive to Alice Springs in Australia and the five-hour drive home. I hope that's not daily. But he sent a postcard. He tries to work five hours, punches a clock, and then goes home for another five hours?

It was a postcard. He didn't fill us in with a lot of details. Was it from Perth? Five hours, I would guess Melbourne or Sydney. I know why you're looking at me. Those are great lesbian names. Wow, don't Kenny it up. We have our new gal friend this Valentina

she's here and last night she's a woman of a certain proclivity smushka liquor I don't know what she does but she does great things... Nothing at all. She does great things.

She works with mentally ill immigrants. Who are detained in an immigration proceeding. Who are detained in an immigration proceeding. She does good work. And Kenny's here last night watching baseball. Valentina's a sports fan. Huge sports fan. And Kenny's like... Go Pats.

She's a Patriots fan. Has a tattoo of Pat the Patriot, the old logo on her arm. I thought it was Pat from Saturday Night Live. In a three-point stance. Point being, Kenny just kept saying the wrong thing all night last night, going,

what are you, a girl? She's like, dude. Yelling at the TV at players. You fucking throw like a girl. A million wrong things. But yeah, she takes it in stride. Let's get to the

fucking gump. The gump issue. The gumps, as you know, they've been almost a year now living out of a fucking camper around around the neighborhood or morgan murphy's house if she's out of town so you've been talking about moving mr gump yeah it it's pretty easy to do everything and there is to do in bisbee pretty quickly so mr gump is 21 years old mrs gump is now 25 so it's not a it's not a great town for very young people there's not shit to do here not really i don't we wake up and we're just like well let's just go drive around and see if there's something we haven't seen before.

You know? Yeah. It's a great place to end your life, but not start it. Most definitely. And the pressure built up on Mr. Gump, who is seemingly unflappable, until he's locked in a bathroom with a knife, writing fucking eulogies to his siblings. And he's a good speller, though. For a kid from Mississippi. No, and that's the part you gotta remember.

He spells knife with a K. I'm scanning the police beat to see if it's in there. I think it'll be next week. Next week. Mrs. Gump, guide us through what happened. Because there's a lot of breakdowns locally. A lot of people are, you know, a lot of our social circle are having problems. But you, when I first heard, I thought it was the wife.

Because, you know, women. When I first heard, I thought it was the wife because, you know, women. I thought it was Mrs. Gump that went tits up and was 51-50. What did you hear and how did you hear it, Doug? I was cleaning up over at the quiet house. Oh, no, their bathroom moved. Escapade. Yeah, Taco Tuesday. Bingo says, oh, Mrs. Gump's on the phone she's crying can she come over here i know you're

working and i like yeah i don't give a fuck i'm just in the office cleaning up shit i won't hear you and uh so then i hear from the kitchen i hear bingo very calm saying, well, it's probably going to be a 72 hour observation period, which is not a bad thing. So I think Mrs. Gump has gone tits up. And I figure it's a female thing, you know. But then I'm getting calls from the hospital and Bingo kept saying he. And I thought she was just talking real fast. Not Mr. Gump. Mr. Gump wouldn't go fucking tits a-blazin'.

What happened, Mr. Gump? I don't remember much. It was... The last couple weeks have been pretty stressful. And I woke up that morning with a feeling that the last couple weeks are all going to just compile into today. Let's back up, because there's not a lot of stress around here. I mean, people have issues, but what was stressful? Said the retiree.

Said the guy who doesn't have to clean the toilet. He's got the whole subscription subscription and it's renewing. Shit-talking high schoolers in front of the corner store. This is going to make Chad so fucking outraged. Some young

cuffs out in front of the gulping dough? I just watched that movie Step Brothers again and it's kind of like that where the high school bullies are still beating them up at 40 years old. Gump goes down to the corner store for cigarettes at night in the dangerous Warren District. Not really. It couldn't be much at night, because everything closes before it gets night here. Go ahead.

It was getting close. Yeah, 10, 11 o'clock they close. They turn the parking meters off at 8. We got to let Gump talk at some point, but he pauses way too much. That day in particular, Mrs. Gump and I had been at each other's throats all day.

And I was just like, fuck this, I'm going down to the camper. I get down to the camper and I'm just like, I don't have water or cigarettes and it's really two crucial things that i needed in this moment so i walk down there and uh that's on naked and afraid i would bring cigarettes and hope for water hope you brought a lighter maybe i can distill cigarettes go ahead cigarette tea there's no there's no way we're not gonna talk all over you but this is a

good story go ahead go so i'm walking down there and there's this kid wearing a yankees cap sitting in front of this i don't know what color it was but it was a darker color yeah unnecessary detail you can leave out yeah but he wasn't. No, it's necessary. Okay. But, uh, challenge.

Well, not for the podcast, but just very good then, but, uh, back down from the transcript. Yeah. So I don't,

he's sitting there with his two friends and there's three chicks with them. And I don't connect the facts that there's football practice going on across the street. There's just kids hanging out at the gas station. I'm pissed off. I just want a cigarette and a sip of water. I'm in a bad mood. And the kid in the Yankees cap asked me if I'd go in and buy him a pack of cigarettes. And I don't buy anyone that can't buy cigarettes for themselves. I don't do it. I'll go in and buy them a pack of cigarettes. And I don't buy anyone that can't buy cigarettes for themselves.

I don't do it. I'll go in and get someone a six-pack. Sorry. No, you won't do that. But I haven't. I haven't. You'd sooner do that than buy cigarettes even though you would never do that. It's a fucking podcast.

We're not in court. I do both of those things. Go ahead with your fucking story. Jesus Christ. So, and I assume it's just, he's trying to, you know, show off in front of his friends and part of the chicks who are there and he's sorry, what's your fucking problem? And I had a lot of problems that day. And he goes, somebody give you a true serum. You didn't tell him your real problem. I had a lot of problems that day.

Did somebody give you a true serum? You didn't tell them your real problems, did you? Because I would have said, she's my problem, the smallest girl. I beat the shit out of her. Go ahead. It's the opposite of what they tell you to do in prison. Go for the weakest link. And they go, man, that guy beat the shit out of her.

I'm glad he didn't do that to me. And then you go grab one of the gas handles because they have gas pumps. And you huff the gas and go, you never thought of that? Take a shot. Shots for everyone. I just bought a gallon for $2.94. You're underage? You didn't think about huffing the gas pumps? You're a fucking idiot.

Kick some condoms. We don't need more of this. Go ahead. Go ahead, Gump. So. So the kid shit talks you. He shit talks me. And I can deal with shit talking you know words well there's a saying about that i think but but he shoves me and that catches me off guard and i'm i try not beat the shit out of people

unless it's absolutely necessary and you look look up, it's about 125 pounds and 5'10 and spindly. The kid thought he was in high school as well, is what I'm thinking. He didn't think he was picking on an older dude. He thought he was picking on a fellow high school dude. Here's a real example. He didn't ask you to

buy him beer. He asked you to buy cigarettes because he didn't think you were 21. It's 18 and older. He thought you were 18. You just got out of high school and you got an ankle bracelet. That's what I'd ask. So the kid shoves you. So he shoves me and I'm just like,

hey, dude. And all of a sudden he just punches me. The way that I fight is in shit before it starts because i'm 125 pounds and 510 and if it lasts more than 20 seconds and i'm probably done for my same philosophy that's right but that's because he's fat and he'll get winded yeah exactly but i've had my ass kicked enough throughout my life where it's just like well if i would have just taken some precautionary measures beforehand like don't go by the football field on friday night or buy cigarettes before 8 a.m running the gauntlet is

is the main thing i mean you you walked right through the pack. Right? There were six people there. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you walked right through the middle of that. Well, no, he's sitting off on the driver's side, and the chicks are off over by the propane tanks, and his two friends are sitting next to the car.

Party town. Yeah, you know. It's a typical Bisbee. I want to hear the rest of the story. So he hits me, and he follows it up with another one, and he's pretty quick. Got to give him some credit. Called me twice in the left eye.

And that's when I'm just like, all right, maybe I need to do something about this. And I swung back. And I walked in and I got my cigarettes and my water and I left. So that wasn't the most pleasant night. You just glossed over the main part of the story that I wanted to hear. This is where, when he told me this story the other night, he said, I said, so what'd you do? And he goes, I knocked the motherfucker out.

Now, Mrs. Gump says, you never told me you hit him back. So we don't know how much history revisionist this story has. We don't know how much history revisionist this story is. So now you're just saying, I swung at him and then bought cigarettes. Yeah, I don't even know if you connected based on this story. You just threw a punch. What happened? He has a really weak chin.

Not everyone gets punched in the face that often. Even people that look like they can kick your ass. Like, odds are, they've probably... So you connected with this guy and knocked him down? Yes, sir. Okay. And none of his... And everybody else stayed where they were

and you just went in and got cigarettes? His friends didn't look like they were going to be able Stepped over him as he came out and lit a cigarette? Threw it in the gas pumps

while everyone was taking shots. Gump is not that far removed from high school. You have to... You're 21 years old. You still are in that mentality. I'm still in that mentality. He gets carded for lottery tickets.

I'm in my 40s. There's no one more fucking dangerous than fucking white kids at a fucking come and go on the corner after Friday night football. They're the worst. Come and go, you'll plan a scene. One of the reasons why I cultivated the to look the way i

do is to fuck so that other people will leave me alone and that includes people like that right i don't know if you've ever seen me in my asian drag you'll know that that's i just sit there and keep shuffling no sir your legs tucked underneath, pushing yourself along with a scooter like a handicapped guy. Fucking big fake wig. Bernie Dolly. Yeah, with my geisha girl stick sticking out. I'll stab you. I don't even remember this story, because that was not the only one.

The fucking schizo at Safeway. Oh, that was when we first moved here. Oh, okay. At the same corner store, but over by the crosswalk. Oh, the corner store. I thought it was Safeway. Oh, that was when we first moved here. Oh, okay. At the same corner store, but over by the crosswalk. Oh, the corner store. I thought it was Safeway. No. Well, we had seen him at Safeway.

He wears this big, long leather trench coat, or he was at the time. Oh, that's fucking, what's his name? The guy who has a, will know how to do lots of yard work, concrete, but I got a bad back. Will work for food. Brokey. I thought he had a duster.

You're thinking a weird Jim. Or Crazy Carl. What about Crazy Carl? He'll fix it. That's Crazy Carlos. He about Crazy Carl? He'll fix your antenna. Clive shot that guy. Remember? That's Crazy Carlos. Oh, he's an excellent guy.

That's right. Becker thinks he's making this up. No, he did the bullet-catching trick. One time too many. Yeah, that was our fucking town. Well, there's a million towns where cops shoot fucking homeless people. That's officer unfriendly. Yeah, the former officer, he got fired.

Thank God. Really? Yeah, no jail time. He had a lot of other problems. Anyway, so some schizo guy at the same corner store. He wasn't saying that he had a bad back and he was looking for work that day. The first time Mrs. Gump and I saw him,

he was standing out by the Burger King, screaming at nothing. And he was an interesting fellow to watch for a little while. But we drove off. And so I see him down at the corner store while I'm walking down there to get cigarettes. Locally, right over here.

Yeah. And there's three little high school girls. Couldn't be more than, like, in seventh, eighth grade. They beat you up, too? Nobody kicked their ass. They bought him beer. Go ahead. They bought him beer go ahead they bought him beer this leads into a

a Gump suicide attempt so we're making light don't blow the punchline did he do it or not go ahead Gump we can't tell Don't make it light. Don't blow the punchline. Did he do it or not? Go ahead, go. We can't tell. Wait till next week. Cliffhanger part two.

No, but... So he's standing there screaming at these chicks. And I'm just like, whoa. Because this dude's like you guys's age no offense 80 90 no offense he's your guys's age no offense well i don't never mind so i walk up and i'm just like hey what's going on you need to calm down and he goes to shove me and when there are certain occasions where shoving me is all it takes especially I don't really know what I was going

through when we first moved here but I was I don't know get to the fucking point you better never end up in a wheelchair because sometimes I go hey we should shut off the ceiling fan because Gump might fall over.

So when you're taking on Mad Men in leather trench coats, it seems like you just watched Mad Max that day and had a fantasy. It's just placement. So what do you say to this schizo guy in the leather? I tell him to calm down. And then he shoves me and I hit him. Gump gets in a... Have you ever witnessed... Mrs. Gump, I'm asking you.

Have you ever witnessed Gump get into a fight? Almost. He just whispered almost no almost almost I've seen aggravation but I've never actually seen

blows exchanged but does he come home with a lot of stories about fist fights that you didn't witness like Ralphie May got porn stars to blow him but no one was around

to verify it yeah does he come home with bruises sometimes They got porn stars to blow them, but no one was around to verify it? Yeah. Does he come home with bruises? Sometimes. Yeah, he did have a really big black eye. It wasn't that bad. It was dark.

Yeah, that's delivery. From the gum-chewing teenager. Does he ever have bloody knuckles? Gump, I'm sorry. I think this is court. I was mistaken earlier. I thought it was a podcast. All right, so you had... No empirical evidence.

Good work. Okay, well, we all know that this is true, that you were locked. This leads to you being locked in your own bathroom that's Morgan Murphy's. Yes. Mrs. Gump calls, says, oh, suicide attempt or threat. Bingo.

Fucking calm as a cucumber. I don't even know why that expression exists. Cool as a cucumber. Whatever. Calm like a bomb. I said to Bingo she comes back hey

I go hey no clean up on this one get this taken care of ouch you fucking asshole Chad the last suicide in one of our properties.

This is at Morgan Murphy's house. And, you know, it was nice that she lets you stay there, but you shouldn't kill yourself in her bathroom. You have a camper that's worth nothing. It's summertime. It's hot as fuck in there. You don't want to barricade yourself in a camper. I couldn't run a bath in the camper.

I couldn't run a bath in the camper. So now, try to get him a beer. And a shot. And a shot. I was going to say a shot. No, I don't want a shot. All right. He doesn't want a shot. No.

You're in a bathroom with a knife. Hey, can you give me a shot? I'm in a bathroom. And cigarettes? Oh, he just hit me no tequila no he doesn't want a shot no Becker wants a shot of tequila I'd do a shot of tequila with Becker so he's not doing my part

there you go thank you I'd like to get on with the story should we build cocktails I've never noticed that cocktails we're going to prime gump he was a talker the other night Do we build cocktails? I've never noticed that. Cocktails, cocktails. Nobody counted. We're going to prime Gump. Cocktails! He was a talker the other night.

I go, hey, the first time he was on the podcast. Yeah, got a lot of complaints, a lot of bad feedback about Mr. Gump not getting to the fucking point. So we're going to put alcohol in his head and we'll be right back after these messages. Cocktails! be right back after these messages cocktails great news kids the much neglected merch page on my much neglected website has been taken over by greg chaley so we have uh tour t-shirts podcast t-shirts we have pop-off vodka presents t-shirts, podcast t-shirts. We have Pop-Off Vodka Presents t-shirts. Get them before we get sued. Before we get the cease and desist. And a whole

shitload of CDs and DVDs that span a lifetime. A sad, tragic, bloated lifetime of my fucking horrible thoughts and pontifications. So help me get that shit out of my crawlspace. Thanks

for that. And now, back to the podcast previously recorded. Here we are. Gump's in the bathroom with a knife. This is not a game of Clue. That's actually very funny. We should make a Bisbee or Stan Hope compound game of Clue.

In the rake trailer with the lead pipe. Derek in the driveway with a yard sale. Oh, this game could sell. Oh, shit. I want one. Kenny on an empty stage with a beatbox. Okay, you're... Hey, Kenny, by the way, we could close on that.

Kenny has... Can we close on... He's got some rap. He's been working on some rap stuff Oh no, people will love it If there's an Easter egg at the end of this they're going to earn it sitting through Kenny's rapping We had a 35 minute Easter egg 38

at the end of the Julie Seaball I don't know if people listen if they notice. Sure they do. If it's 38 minutes left, you're going to notice. If it's a couple seconds, it might be the end of a song. The thing is, when I listen to a podcast, I play it until it's over. Well, some people play it until they hear the mattoid, Party Time or something.

But now I don't always play music at the end. Sometimes I'll put outtakes. Well, it was supposed to be a secret. All right. Well, now it's, yeah. Easter comes early. But if you hear Party Time, and then you see that there's 38 more minutes.

You know what I'll compare this to? It's not just a long version. I'll compare this to when I warn people about Napster. Remember Napster? People download music, and they go, oh, and they go, remember, based on your speed and you've downloaded music, it should not take 45 minutes

to download one Metallica song. So you're getting a virus right now. Or kiddie porn or something. This would be hilarious if we just kept doing this podcast and never get back to the Gump story. Which it seems like it's going down that road.

Just let him do little bits and jump all over him like we've been doing. Let's let Gump story, which it seems like it's going down that road. Just let him do little bits and jump all over him like we've been doing. Let's let Gump jump in. Hey, Gump, as we cut it up. You're in the bathroom with a knife. The only knife Morgan Murphy owns. Thanks.

I sold the rest on eBay. Please. Is it a big knife? This is a horse shack laugh from Morgan Murphy. I hope that bled through. Now it's evidence. I hope you weren't hoping to barbecue later. I just used it to get a burr out of my dog's fur. He wasn't worried about diseases or bacteria. It's ironically still being used for the same thing

come on gump gump it up and tell us what the fuck happened uh mrs gump and i got into it pretty heavy uh right off the bat about uh with our move coming up it uh

how do i say it well you're moving somewhere but you don't know where and that's why we want to do this adopt a gump start on a globe and that's with our camper which is what you at one point yeah it's fucking awful but a lot of places you can't have that part anywhere even rv parks won't accept it like i think it's 2002 is the median cutoff year for most RV parks. So you're talking about moving where? We've been thinking about Portland more so than anywhere else. And Miami.

Well, no. That was more of a, yeah, we should go to Miami. And then it got shot down pretty quick because it's Miami. Well, we're going to shoot down every idea that you have because we love your to Miami. And then it got shot down pretty quick because it's Miami. Well, we're going to shoot down every idea that you have because we love your free labor. True. But Portland is a better idea.

Yeah. So you're fighting. We're fighting. And I want Mrs. Gump in this. She's gone. I don't know where. I want her to fucking reanimate you. Hey, wait, there goes the camper.

Wait, so much for free labor. It's just pain. she's gone I don't know where I want her to fucking reanimate you hey wait there goes the camper wait wait so much for free labor it's just pains it says Walmart or bust in the sign I don't know what that means she's trying to leave you

hey you want to hear a car whiz I was like I know where you're going let's get off go go go go go so quick we get in I know where you're going. Let's get off. Go, go, go, go. Go.

So, quick. We get in. You're not in Arkansas anymore, son. Holy shit. Mississippi. That's why he's called Gump, because obviously he had the greatest quote the other night when he was hammered and telling me all this shit. And he said, the southern accent is like talking in cursive.

I thought that was a fucking brilliant quote. He's like the singing frog in that old cartoon. You get him on a podcast. Oh, the Warner Brothers? Here's another thing. Do what you did the other

night! Hello, my honey! Hello, my baby! Hello, my rock band! I can tell you right now, do what you did the other night hello my honey hello my baby hello my I can tell you right now you have to do what I do and you can't think about the fact that people are going to listen to this at all you're just talking just like you are here because I would

be the same thing if I thought about you know that anybody at all was going to listen to it then I would think more Mrs. Gump had to fucking call the police because you're fucking trying to kill yourself in Morgan Murphy's bathroom. Get to the fucking meat of it. In your head.

Where were you? Where was I? Where were you in your head? Oh, I don't know. Once it reached a boiling point, I don't have any fucking recollection of anything. I mean, I knew what I was doing, but as far as... You weren't

fucked up. You were mentally fucked. You weren't drunk, I don't remember. No. No, I was... Seeing red. Yeah, I smoked maybe two bowls that day. Hey, don't blame this on marijuana. It's a gateway, Chad. You need to acknowledge that. A gateway to suicide.

We don't need your retardedness affecting the limits of my medicine. Pass the savings on to him. It cures everything except suicide. Were you really going to kill yourself? For a minute there, I was. But I don't know.

At times here, it seems like you can't get any better anywhere else. You know? And I think that's, you know, I don't know. When you say here, do you mean in the funhouse? No, just in Bisbee in general. Like looking at us? No.

That's my future? He's peaked already. Yeah, essentially. You know, like anywhere else that I go that's not like, already. Yeah, essentially. Anywhere else that I go that's not... Bisbee is what I wanted my hometown to be, essentially. Not the shit-talking behind your

back, being your friend to your face. If someone has a problem with you here, they'll let you know. And that's one of the many things that I love about this town. And I'm not going to go into that list, but back to the story. I had suggested, I was just like,

maybe I might figure out how to stay here. I think I can figure some shit out. And Mrs. Gump didn't want any part of staying here? No, no. She was just like, well, I think that I need some time to myself up in Portland for a couple months. And looking back on it now I understand how she meant that the way my head took it was fuck you I'm leaving you here

goodbye which is not at all what she was saying so that might have been what she was saying a little bit I'm just trying to look over her you should date Bree. She tells you to your face, I want to leave you. And you get three months after that.

Still get a stay of execution. Governor's on the phone. It's for you. So she tells me that. And I start spiraling down and i have a problem with stepping back and looking at why i'm mad other than just coming up with reasons to be even more pissed off because once i'm just like in that state of mind i don't i don't want to blame your youth, but we've all been young. No, I get it.

I've always said. What was the first thing I told you when I met you guys on Halloween? I said, you're the most fucked generation I think I've ever met. Because you have no opportunity. You have no this, that, that. You can get an education. You still can't pay your student loans. You can do whatever. I mean, you're just fucked.

What's the first thing I told you and Mrs. Gump? Oh, fuck. I don't even remember. She dragged me out. Know this, know that. No apologizing. No? Yeah, I was.

I said, don't do... Oh, no meth, no porn. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, Mrs. Gump was talking about getting into adult businesses, and you were, I mentioned meth, and you go, I'm not against meth. No, no meth, no porn. You don't do those things.

No. I adopted you. And I said, as my kids, there's two rules. No meth, no porn. I don't do meth, for the record. I don't want that. Yeah, he was trying to ingratiate himself in case we did meth. Anyway, first of all, it's...

Just so you know, if you fucked anywhere in a three-mile radius, Doug has cameras. So you did porn. And you don't want to exclude yourself from drugs if you don't know what drugs are available. I mean, I'll give you that. My kids. You don't have kids either. We'll get that oh wow that's right we have an extra part yeah uh usually it's the the girl that locks

the bathroom door but it was you and you're sitting there with a knife and you you gave uh directives to your brother or something? My little brother, yeah. I started writing something for him. I don't even know what I wrote down. Who's fucking Mrs. Gump? I don't know. We sold her for magic beans. But those beans will get you as high as a kite.

She's doing porn. She's doing webcam in the front yard. Oh my god, $4.95 a minute. Hey, $4.95 a minute. Hey, $4.95 a minute. How much are you getting? I'm supposed to be getting paid for this? I'm going to speed through your story since you're not telling it

and we're stepping on you anyway. So you're threatening suicide. You're writing notes to your brother. She's yelling through the bathroom door, I assume. She's yelling through the door. If you don't open the door, I'm going to call the cops, which just makes me more pissed because I don't... The last people that I need to talk to in this situation

is the cops because that's just going to make it worse. So Mrs. Gump somehow kicks the door open. No damage to the door. There goes the deposit. No damage to the door. The lock slipped. Morgan Murphy's eyebrows just disappeared into her hat. There you go.

That's very good, Chad. Valentin is over here going, It's a visor. It's a visor. Always the attorney. Can't we get the facts straight? I'm having to sing fast to you, Valentina. Jesus.

So that's really her hair sticking out the top? Wow! I thought it was a hair hair. Thank you, SkyMallCatalog. R.I.P. Oh, shit. She calls the cops.

She calls the cops. Wait, calls the cops, then kicks in the door? No, she kicks over the door maybe a minute after I hear the cops banging on the door. And that's what I'm just like. She already called the cops and then kicks in the door because she's going rogue.

Can I treat this with a badge, Mrs. Gump? I'll handle this. You're too close to the case, Mrs. Gump. You can't be on this case. I'm on vacation starting now. You better get more body bags if you don't let me in there. Somebody is suicidal. So the cops show up.

The cops show up. Anyone we know? It wasn't Officer Bob Friendly. We know that. The one with the really, like, raspy bucket. Why did I ask? Anyway. They call him Smokey.

No, like, it's like. Was he cool? I don't. I wasn't cool with anyone in that situation. Because the minute they got there, they swarmed me. And I was just like, get the fuck away from me. Like, I can't. I need you all to just back up. I'm going to end this in 20 seconds.

I'm going to end it. I'm going to go move. We love you. So the cops show up and swarm you. They swarm me. Do you have the knife on you? They took that away immediately. I think. Wait, you have the knife on you? No, they took that away immediately. I think.

Wait, you didn't have it in your hand when they walked in? No. Or the swarm? Yeah, because they probably would have. No, he's white. Still, with a weapon, that's not good. They go, hey. Yeah, no, he's a white kid.

They'd go, hey, nice knife. Can I see that? That's in big cities. In small towns, they watch that and go, man, nice knife. Can I see that? That's in big cities. In small towns, they watch them and go, man, I never come up on anybody holding a knife that I'm allowed to shoot. They take you voluntarily

to the hospital. Not necessarily. One of the cops sat down next to me after the paramedic showed up and this was the point where i was like fuck this i'm just done with it give it in he was like look i don't mean to add on to your shit but you can either leave in the ambulance or you can leave in handcuffs and i was just like fuck how about both or i could get a 17-year-old to beat the shit out of you until you go to the hospital. I've sent two warning signals to you.

Listen, my son already told me he had trouble with you at the corner store. Why would you buy him cigarettes? I'm at work. I can't do it. It's a community How long have you been here? You can't be cool motherfucker So they take you down to the hospital

Which I've been in that situation With Bingo In a lockdown unit in the Copper Queen waiting for a 72 hour psych eval. Which never happened. Well, I don't know how you

get out of it. He doesn't have insurance. Bingo calmed me down quite a bit. She was speaking with me to a point where I could understand because everybody else is in that situation.

Us. The four of us ball busting you, but Bingo talks crazy. In that situation, it wasn't crazy to me. It was, this is the most logical thing I've ever fucking heard, which is just calm the fuck down. Don't take what

any of these people have to say serious. If you need help, we can get you help. You know, actual fucking help. I don't want to go too much into it, but she has... I think it was good in a crisis. I can vouch for that, for sure. No, and the other thing is she's been

in enough that she goes, listen, the world isn't what you think it is right this second. Tracy came into the funhouse that night and said, where's Bingo? And I said, oh, 5150, 72 hours, psych, suicide attempt issue. She goes, what? I go, oh, not her. She's just handling it.

And then Chaley came up. I told you the same thing. He's like, you guys get so calm under the weirdest fucking circumstances. Generally. But yeah, Bingo's a fuck. She knows the terrain. Bingo also knows the professional end of it, like what they're going to say. It's three-dimensional chess with her she knows what's gonna happen because she's been in enough situations so after being

in Costa Rica you know people who live on the beach they know seashells and to is the hospital staff that really was from when i got in the ambulance i was like okay maybe just back off a little bit just chill the fuck out and i get in there i don't know his fucking name and i really wish i did i believe it anyway so it wouldn't matter yeah it's god i gotta live here can you believe the part where he said he wishes he knew his name? To write him a letter. Traveling. He walks in and he goes, Hey, buddy.

Heard you had a bad day. Which I did. And he goes, I want you to listen to something that I listen to that kind of makes me feel better. And he sits down next to me and it's like eckhart toly whatever the fuck his name is really hey did you knock that guy out because that's the only way this story ends he was showing off his pretty new white teeth and i was just like explain that uh chad explain what he just said that you know like this guy just tried to come in while he's having a fucking mental crisis

and presume to fucking know the answers and give him a fucking dumbass inspirational fucking guy. All right, so I don't know the guy. It would enrage me. I've heard of the guy. I've read a book by the guy. It's presumptuous. Eckhart is a German-born resident of Canada,

best known as the author of The Power of Now and A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. Oh, the Germans are always good on awakening to your life's purpose. Here's some bullshit I bought because I'm dumb. You look dumb. I don't know what they're saying. I was trying to help, but it would have made me mad. I don't know what they're saying.

I was trying to help, but it would have made me mad. I was on par with how upset I was in the fucking bathroom about to just end shit. The minute that I sat down in the hospital, because I realized there was going to be no help at all. So I'm sitting there after this dude makes me watch an hour's worth of fucking live in the now videos dude not an hour for real no but it was a good thing to keep your eyes open and have a big penis thing there because you might be in clockwork orange i can see this happening this is bad yeah is bingo with you at this point no this is they won't let anybody back because they're just like you have people here is it okay if they come back and see you and i was like i don't give a fuck about anything right now do what you want and then no one came back for what i assume was a couple hours of it was a while you were there

for a long time but uh i was having cocktails here in the funhouse oh that sounds like a really good time i wish i could have been i thought it was gonna be your wife but anyway so uh I thought it was going to be your wife. But anyway, so you swallow your pride. You watch motivational speakers on fucking TED Talks. I imagine them wheeling in one of the 1970s AV units, the audiovisual units with a VHS player. Here, watch this. I picture they have one right next to it with a VHS player. Here, watch this. I picture they have one right next to it

with a fucking generator, one of those gas-powered generators. They're running indoors with two clamps and two earpieces. And you go, ready? Temples. Okay. Electrodes on the temples.

That didn't work. Shave his head. I picture it for what it probably was, some fucking overweight dude who can't figure out his own fucking life trying to hold his phone where you can fucking see it while he's fucking grinning about how proud he is that he helped someone. And tweeting the guy who did the inspirational fucking motivational thing going, hey, I use your stuff in my work and it really helps people.

And he gets a response of, I don't accept things from iPhone 4s. How did you talk your way out? Because generally, if cops have to swarm you because of a suicide attempt and take you to a hospital, there's no way out of a 72-hour psych eval. But did you bullshit your way out? Did bingo bullshit your way out did bingo bullshit i lay out for you the i think it was all because of that doctor not doing his job properly is the reason that i got out so quick you know i don't want to say that in under the circumstances that i should have been under a 72

hour watch just because i don't want to jinx myself. You should have, yeah. Yeah, you definitely should have. Well, maybe, but, you know, I was more concerned with getting out and smoking a fucking cigarette than I was, you know, the dude. You got the hooks in you. Just nicotine. I mean, you were in a camper. I mean, 72 hours is three squares and a warm bed and running water. No, they give you, like, gas station sandwiches.

No, that's weird. Hey, Kenny's coming in. Kenny's coming in. Kenny's been on the psyche, Val. I've been in your situation, except I held the Castle Rock hostage for a little longer. But they do not give little teeny tiny subs or anything of that nature. It's a damn good meal. And if you ask for doubles, you get doubles.

So you get a big old meal three times a day. And a nickname. And a nickname. What year are you talking about, Kenny? I was 24, so that's 16 years ago. What? Yeah, times have changed, Kenny. So it's back to green, balmy, and cheap.

I think the budget's been cut. Honestly, if you remember, Bingo, when we moved here, people would go to the Copper Queen Hospital for lunch because they had the cafeteria food, at least, was that good. They would go there for lunch. Go ahead, Kenny. They send you to Benson for your three days in the clean. The puff unit. Yeah, puff unit. i don't think that's around anymore bingo had to go all the way to phoenix they give you a cigarette valley arts and crafts hospital they gave you a free cigarette

every hour and three squares a day and i felt like a kingpin in that place because i wasn't crazy well regardless i didn't want to be there no matter how good the food was or how many cigarettes they gave me. Why didn't you just kill yourself? Well, after the fucking doctor started with these videos, I was like, maybe I would have been better off. But I realized that I can't be impolite to people that don't realize they're just completely oblivious to the situation. I don't like being rude to people. If you're an asshole, I'll... He's a very polite kid, and this is why you should adopt the gumps, and we'll get to that.

But I realized that he had no idea how to deal with the situation, and he was doing the only thing that he knew that he could do. So I'll give you credit for that, regardless of how bad he handled the situation. I'll give you credit for that, regardless of how bad he handled the situation. Bingo. And Chad, kings of manipulating. All right. My mental illness is way better than your ineptitude, if that's a word.

Sounds like a word. Okay. Listen, you don't know how to deal with this. I'm going to deal with this for you because I understand my mental illness and you are a fledgling fucking idiot. So I'm going to fix myself by making it okay for you to not know how to do your job, if that makes sense. Completely. I remember the lady you had.

Yes. Were you surprised to get let out? Most definitely. Bingo had convinced me that I was going to be put in 72-hour watch. And after Bingo left, the doctor walked in and was just like, is that your mom? No. No. No. No.

Payback for what you got asked. If you don't listen to all the podcasts, this happened when Bingo was in a coma and we jokingly at three in the morning when the one surgeon had to do their 12 hour rounds. We're out talking, me and Chaley and Chad

Shank and the doctor lady comes. She's going into the C. diff room, and I go, are you going into 227? And she said, yeah, are you the family? I said, yeah, and we're just talking now. We've decided to pull the plug very seriously, and she waited a few beats where I didn't change my facial expression and goes, there's no plug to pull.

And I go, yeah, we're just kidding. And she goes, are you her father? So now you know what it feels like. Are you Gump's mother? Me too. You got me too. I don't know if I even used that right. That means Doug is Gump's grandfather.

Grandpa. Yeah, well, the way they're fucking Mississippi, I could be his great-grandpa. Gump's Doug's own grandpa. So you got out. Have you been suicidal since? No. You spent overnight, right? Is that what it was? No, no, you get out. Have you been suicidal since? No. You spent overnight, right?

Is that what it was? No, no. You get out that night. Bingo offered for us to stay at the Hazard House, which was probably the best situation. It's quiet over there. Well, if you're going to have a change of heart and actually kill yourself, don't do it at Morgan's.

Do it at our house. And there's more nights. We had to vouch for you. Yeah, by the way, I just got new floors. You guys are getting rid of that pool anyways. I did just sharpen them all too. Oh, speaking of, hey, can you go kill the chicken in there

in the crock pot? That's probably overcooked by now. Just put it on off. Sorry. Speaking of knives, I don't know. Gump, you're with us. I'm glad you're with us, Gump. I'm glad I'm here too.

You still are going to move. We wanted to make this Adopt the Gumps because you don't know where you're going. Not really. We just kind of go where anything takes us. So we're trying to find someone with an RV space to let them park on?

Or a job opportunity. Sell the Gumps on moving to wherever you are. Who is? A non-pornographic. Mrs. Gump has a million skills. Yeah, I was going to say, not based on the stories we've heard here. No, no, you wouldn't know.

The Gumps are, like, invaluable. They're young. They're willing to do anything. They live out of a camper, and they don't complain. I like them. Mrs. Gump does art. She can do anything,

and you, not so much. He'll take out the garbage and not bitch about it. I would say that my whole takeaway is that I'm sorry to see you guys go. They ain't gone yet. Well, we're trying to sell them. Well, the Gumps on Twitter are the most fucked up Twitter. At underscore... It's not the most fucked up Twitter.

Well, tell them then. It's just so it can be the Gumps and not have the exclamation point. It's underscore, just tell them what the fuck. It's the Gumps. No. It's made by the word. No, it makes it more simple. You can have...

Still don't know what it is. Don't know what it is. You just got unfollowed seven times. I'll get it back. We'll put a link to what he was going to say. Underscore at underscore the... No, at the underscore underscore G, Gump's underscore, underscore. Two underscores.

Yeah. What the fuck? Because Twitter has weird shit. It's easier to get cigarettes when you're 17. I wonder if people punch you in the eye in dark parking lots. They don't follow me on Twitter. What's your email? I don't want to give out my actual name

Oh, okay I'll tell you what Send email If you want to talk to the Gump's Or if you want to say something about us If you can't figure out the Twitter handle Send it to stanhopepodcast at gmail That's a good way to get in touch with us here

You want to say anything? No underscores It doesn't go to me, which is great No underscores Because I've never heard that one before What was it again? It is What did I say? I don't remember Oh, stanhopepodcast And it doesn't go to me, which is great. No underscore. Because I never heard that one before. What was it again? It is, what did I say?

I don't remember. Oh, Stanhope Podcast at email. Stanhope Podcast. Now you got me thinking. Well, the thing is, is because I don't talk to you guys in person or either, so I figure it might be an easy way for me to get in touch with you. That's true. Call me on your cell phone, Chad.

Chad Shank did call me the other day, and I always panic when Chad Shank shows up on my phone because he never calls. I had to be... Diplomat? I spent three hours being the most diplomatic I've ever been. I had to

participate in an intervention. I tried to hide from the whole problem out in the studio. I had to do a participate in an intervention. I tried to hide from the whole problem out in the studio. I was working and I got drawn into the problem and I had to go participate in an intervention and it turned out that I was the

spokesman even though I was trying to be the most disinterested party. I ended up being the fucking spokesman of the entire intervention. I can't watch disinterested party. I ended up being the fucking spokesman of the entire intervention. I can't watch comedy without heckling. So I don't want to tell a whole story about an intervention, but I would have a couple of intervention tips that I learned from doing an intervention the first time,

or running an intervention, in short notice. I wrote it on the way over there. Instead of the family friend that you had to do this let's pretend that the person that you're intervening on is gump in a bathroom with a knife and a wasn't that kind because that that actually is one of my tips is if you're going to do an intervention for somebody who's on drugs time it for when they're on, not for when they're crashing and having a crisis because they can't find any drugs. Yeah, Jonesy knew that time. He did say he spoke two bowls. Nobody wants... I didn't say a word. That's not drugs. God damn it. I said this before.

Nobody ever wants to quit drugs when they're off drugs. All you want to do is find more drugs. But when you're on drugs, if somebody brings up to you that you should quit, it is more palatable. They're more agreeable. Absolutely. That's one tip, is time it for that. Another thing that I learned on the spot as a diplomat

was you don't want to leave the intervention with them still having drugs, knowing that you timed it while they were on drugs. So I made a side deal and said, what are you holding right now? And they said, well, we just got a little bit, but we were going to sell it to get rid of it.

And I said, sold. How going to sell it to get rid of it. And I said, likely story. Sold. How much were you hoping to get? Jeff Van Vonderen from the show Intervention would never buy your fucking surplus drugs. I would like to think that Dr. Drew even would be proud of me for

thinking of this. Because who wants to, if I just go, give me your fucking drugs that you have, you'd be like, no, dude, I'm about to crash. I'm out. I'm out. I lie to everybody.

Right, right. You don't know where I keep my fucking drugs, asshole. You have no leverage in this situation. So. I want to buy them. By the way, if you could, listeners,

if you could tweet at Dr. Drew and say, hey, you got name dropped at the seven and a half hour mark. I'm not dragging it down my throat. No, no, no. So you bought the guy's drugs? Yeah, yeah. Well, I didn't want to, you know, you don't want to, do you want to give away drugs you already paid for?

Nobody wants to give away drugs they already paid for. When we douched out the bar and we have like creamed fucking cacao or whatever. Remember, I had just shitty aperitif liquor. I'm like... Apricot vodka.

I'm crying when I'm dumping it into the... Yeah, this is alcohol. I'm dumping out cream de mint in the fucking urinal that's on the fence and not connected to anything. I was going to make a grasshopper. Yeah, it's tough. But you never did.

You did the right thing. It's probably bingo. Jerker. Take it or do something with it. Just shut it off. Yeah, that's all the tips that I have. By any means necessary, that would be the justification for that. But you came at them with a, that's a smart way to go.

Well, it's. Because they're not handing over something that they said they were going to sell. It's diplomatic. And the way that I actually, what I said was, I said, listen, I go, because my whole presentation was that I'm not judgmental, I just want to help. And so I said, to me, if you're going to sell that, then that puts you back at the dealer's house where it's easy to go,

sure, I'll hit that. So, you know, take that away. Remember that, Becker? So you don't have to deal with that anymore. Remember that night where we were just going to do a little bit of meth so we could drive to San Francisco and get there early? And we literally beat time travel? Yeah.

While we're waiting for the dealer, they're playing poker. So we'll play poker and then we'll do more meth. We made money, so we bought meth with it. Yeah. We made the gig. So yeah, to sum up, I would say that's my tip plan your intervention

while they're actively on drugs they're more active and your intervention worked well I don't know

it was recent arts and crafts hospital now no it was recent we'll see I don't give a fuck it's not my intervention I was forced to go there

in the first place yeah you don't have kids you don't have any fucking problems. You won the door prize. I wrote the intervention on the drive there. It was fucking stressful to me. I didn't like it. I told them that when I was there.

Were you on the bike? No, I didn't even get to take the bike. That's fucking horrible. Worst intervention ever. Yeah, it was bad. I've never had another one it's the only one I've ever been in

so I don't know anyway I always felt unloved because I haven't had one I got a ride home from Valentina last night that felt like

an intervention when I was high school drunk and yeah like you said that's when you go I'm never drinking again when you can't really

walk up three stairs yeah today i'm like yeah fuck podcast day let's drink yeah but the thing was the party ended when you left because they got you home safe and then we had no one else to put pennies on their head it took a village to get me home so i cleared out the party of people trying to carry me to the quiet house. I don't want that glossed over. I saw a picture of pennies stacked on top of Stanhope's passed out head. I don't know how many there was. Did you see the record of how many there was?

22, I think, was the record. Oh, that's why all the pennies were on the ground? Yeah. Yeah, and we came in this morning. Doug woke up. Oh, that's not what he woke up. Doug woke up. Oh, that must have been when he woke up. He woke up and ruined the game. The game was getting a little out of control.

Becker tried to light a napkin that was on Doug's head on fire. So I had to take the lighter and had to leave for a minute to deal with who knows what. And when I got back, they had an iPhone cord strapped around him and Gump had around his neck. No names. No names. I already said Mecker and Gump. Two people.

This is my cord. I'm so glad you're here. It's an intervention episode. So listen, they leave and it's just Gump and I and Doug, and we've been playing the penny stacking game, and they go, we'll give Doug our safe ride home. Like some weird ad you see on a poster,

but you never think people do it. And I found this very extended fucking phone charger cord with like cloth on it. I went, let's wrap it around his head, and Gump's on one side and I'm on the other and we're pulling as hard as we can just to see if we could choke Doug to death Doug had a drink in his hand

the entire time yeah so it was self inflicted I have to say I'm very jealous I've been here late a lot of times and we have never choked anybody to death you know this from burning anybody to death but Chad you know this

from burning people to death in their own home 17 pennies is close enough you can burn a napkin off their head hey

it's a more friendly prank copper is healing you were you were helping you were helping his brain heal from the alcohol poisoning.

It was built on copper. It was burned down with napkins and paper bags. I woke up and thought, hey, it's great I didn't drive. It's great you shaved your head. That's a podcast. Yeah, but one thing I got to add.

Gump was so into the fact we were choking you to death. But, you know, again, he had a knife in the bathroom. I'll do it myself. Nothing. Days ago. I do want to say at the top of the podcast we played Killing Strangers from the Pale Emperor, Marilyn Manson, who is currently on tour. Occasionally.

No, he's on tour right now. August 29th through the 31st. With Rob Zombie, I think. No, they're done. The Twins of Evil is over. But yeah, go check it out at MarilynManson.com. And that song is all I need to get Doug off the ukulele and into doing a podcast. So that. And don't forget Innocence Project, Doug.

And then Valentina, yours is, is it Florence? The Florence Immigrant and Refugee Rights Project. Wait, what's the- www.firp.org. That's catchy. You don't even want help, do you? No. We need it so badly. So give money to that. That's catchy. You don't even want help, do you? No. We need it so badly.

So give money to that. That's actually a real cause. www. It all goes to undersplash, gump, undersplash, duck, undersplash. We're going to have her on an upcoming podcast. Don't worry. She's got a fucking good story to tell you.

And one more thing, Doug, just really quick. Please, we've got like 15 or 16 reviews on iTunes, Apple Podcasts, for the podcast. So people have started to leave some more podcast reviews. Wait, 15 or 16? Something like that. That's weak. I know.

That's weak. But, I mean, we get a number of people that will probably go to it after this, now that we're browbeating them. But it will let other people enjoy or hate this as much as everyone else. Yeah, while you're sitting there driving to Alice Springs, five hours, middle of the fucking outback. There's probably one dude that made 15 accounts. Hey, that's a knife. This is a knife.

Here's a good spot for a quick segue. is the knife here's a good spot for a quick segue and now chad shank with the bisbee observer police beat what's going on in the dirty streets of bisbee now sierra vista pd asked for assistance with a shoplifter in a blue nissan frontier who took a donut, hamburger, and newspaper from a Sierra Vista Circle K. We need backup. We're a town of 40,000 people. What? Yeah. No, Sierra Vista called Bisbee to go, we need help with the hamburger newspaper thing.

He's killing us. I thought maybe it was a slow day in Bisbee and all they had to report was syrimistic crime. I didn't know. They probably needed some air support. Well, it's an easy, hey, there's a donut missing call. All available backup cops.

It's a donut missing. You know how many fat guys drive blue Nissan Frontiers? What else is going on chad a woman was trapped in the gore park bathroom for about half an hour oh doug was only trapped for 10 seconds but he knew where the cleaning supplies were maybe she was just nervous thank god the walls don't talk thank god she wasn't trapped in there with Doug. Go ahead, Chad. What other disturbing news do you have?

A man said someone was lying on the trampoline in his neighbor's yard, and he didn't think he was supposed to be there. It's not a laying down kind of sport. No, but that's a problem with circus folk. They just lay where they're familiar. It is a comfortable nap spot. As a grown man, every time I'm on a trampoline, I also feel like I'm not supposed to be there. Get a little nappy.

I kept these teeth for this long. This is not a good decision. I believe the Olympics had the same problem. Chad Shank, what else is going on in the cruel, cruel streets of Bisbee, Arizona? A woman asked for help removing an intoxicated man from her yard. He had come to offer condolences on the loss of her husband and then refused to leave. Derek!

Derek! Deep callback. Chad Shank, is there any good news in the Bisbee Police Beat or should we all just duck and cover? I in the Bisbee police beat or should we all just duck and cover? I don't

I don't even Cover Duck is available at ROCA this week only. Tweez! A woman said her ex-boyfriend had stolen her phone but agreed to give it back if she would meet him at Burger King

and she wanted an officer to meet her there. See, that's good news. That's diplomacy. That's what I was trying to decide. That was good news. That seems positive. Except for the Burger King part. Still a phone? If you have to use Burger King,

don't buy their fucking shitty food. Use that as a place to do a swap out. To meet in public. Yeah, and have a police presence so people are afraid to go there. I don't like Burger King. It's bad. It's a week of nacho

fries, so that's probably what it was. It's their only fast food place. Nobody likes Burger King. No, we don't have a fast food place because we only have burger king it's fucking swill and they're you know what to talk about guys hold on a second we got jimmy's hot dogs limited hours though yeah but you want the cops hanging out but one of my proudest accomplishments is passing burger king when i leave here early enough for Burger King to still be open because that's the only food place between there and home.

If I – I've never stopped there. Piece of shit. I hate Burger King too. When I shit myself, I would have been proud if I did it at Burger King. Once when I was in the Army, every military base has a Burger King on the military base. That's the problem. Burger King on the military base.

That's the problem! One time I bought food in the drive-thru and started eating it as I pulled away and I had to park in their parking lot to shit. That's a true fucking story. Burger King is a horrible fucking place. Pavlov's dog. It's the fucking worst.

Oh, we were doing police beat. Hey, let's get back to police beat. This is a serious shit goes down in this town. I hope she's all right. A caller asked... What the fuck was that? A caller asked for help removing a man who had shown up at a local school and was insisting that he was there to put up a new ceiling.

That's a different angle. He waltzed a cronkite trying not to laugh. I never touched them children. I'm just here to put up a ceiling. Raise the roof on this motherfucker. Another second floor man. He has high aspirations.

Go ahead, Kenny. Kenny wanted to chime in on this. Must be the guy that moved into our neighborhood. Local references usually don't work. Everyone on your street, or at least under your roof, will understand that. Never mind. Chad Shank. You know, under this new administration, with the same old mayor, it just doesn't get better.

How bad can it get, Chad? I just heard word that our police beat is being cut. A caller complained that one man was sleeping in the park and two others were smoking. What else do you fucking do in a park? Hey, wait, hang on. We, on this podcast, like to promote Bisbee as a town, and I want you to know

it's not as bad as that sounds. Not everyone is smoking in the park. I know it makes this sound like a degenerate place to live, but a lot of people don't smoke in the park. I know it makes this sound like a degenerate place to live, but a lot of people don't smoke in the park. In fact, a majority, I'd say. This is an anomaly. Park smokers.

Yeah, don't frame Bisbee. There's a name you'll find in Hong Kong more than you'll find in Bisbee. Actually, Korea would be the accurate park. Yeah, but they translate. They go over. I'm more concerned with the one sleeper than the two smokers, if we're going to be honest. He was out of smokes.

Listen. Who can sleep with cigarette smoke? Sell what you can't eat. Chad Shank, give us the brutal news. A woman with pink hair and wearing hot pink tights was reportedly walking down Bisbee Road and looking in people's mailboxes. I guess the only way to be inconspicuous

is to be spiculous? When in Rome? I'm not a prostitute. I'm a mailman. You're not even a man. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. I paid $15 to find out the hard truth.

I was going to, yeah. You can look at my box, but I can't look at yours, Dan. And finally, Chad Shank, risking his life. How do you know, and finally? No, he doesn't say, and finally. You say anything else, and you go, and finally, Doug. Oh, I did that, so he would do, and finally. I thought that was a part of the...

We've never done that. That was an improv part of the new, well-produced Doug Stenhold podcast. Floyd is here, so let's close this up. Chad Shank. And finally, a man said his mother sprayed him with bug poison while he was sleeping, and he was concerned about her state of mind. Hey, you know what? That's the thing.

Every kid fears that their mom thinks they're a little cockroach just living off of them. This mom followed through. Yeah, well, this kid was probably not the only kid with lice in school. Maybe she was looking out for his reputation. I'm thinking that he had a party planned for that weekend, and he was hoping for a 72-hour lockup. Boom! Callback! There's a goddamn police beat from this wretched, wretched town.

Don't move here. Stay out. We're full. Except for the car show. All right. As I said earlier, Kenny recorded some of his rapping styles, and he was going to play that through his phone. But then at the end, Kenny said,

Fuck it, we'll do it live. Here's Kenny live in action. Spit us some of those block rockin' beats. I'm the podcast wrecker. Yeah. Here we go. Betting that you thought it was the end, and it is. For that motherfucker Castle Rock can.

Here I be, slicing up the industry. He's the K to the O-L-D, K-U-T, K-E-N-N-Y. No offspring, but he pretty fly. For a white guy, never mind, never won the track. Remember way back, smoking on that whack, yikety yak, that's crack Yeah, see, Captain Sweet, I had my seat half announced And I bounced to the mountain, bend to me, now I'm clean, shit is mean Ten years later, haters see me as a fiend

But no, I cannot blame them, so I hope that they're listening To these words that they speak, no, ain't soft with the fables That I bring to the table, now I'm so unstable that I'm gone with the wind, never gonna be Clark Gable, oh well, be myself, the ship might sail, if it don't, oh well, guess it's back to the hotel, sweeping floors, looking

grand in the bar, that's all, thanks y'all, I'm out Castle Rock, Kenny Gutt Aesop's Fables and Clark Gable if it wasn't the end Castle Rock, Kenny got Aesop's Fables and Clark and Dable. If it wasn't the end of the podcast, I'd ask if you actually know what the fuck you're even talking about.

Castle Rock, Kenny, thanks for listening. Thanks, y'all. Woo! Third time's a charm. Yeah, he had to talk shit for you to fucking kick in. That was good. That was good. That was good.