The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #276: Free Money

Episode Date: September 12, 2018

Doug is nominated as one of the best and Chad introduces his new venture. Also, listener Adam puts it on Doug to make a friend's birthday wish come true.Email your questions for the podcast to [e-mail] Sept. 11th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Mat Becker (@houdini357), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by[Gametime.co](Gametime.co) - Gametime is the top destination for last-minute tickets to all live events. For $15 off your first purchase, visit [usegametime.com/STANHOPE](usegametime.com/STANHOPE) and use promo code STANHOPE.[MyBookie.ag](MyBookie.ag) - Sign up today and MyBookie will match your deposit dollar for dollar. Use promo code STANHOPE when creating your account to claim the bonus.  If you’re willing to deposit after 7 p.m. Eastern Time, they’ll give you an additional $25 free play on deposits over $100\. Use SPECIAL Promo Code STANHOPE25 for this exclusive offer.Get on the Mailing List at [www.dougstanhope.com](www.dougstanhope.com). STANHOPE MERCH - NEW! Chad Shank T-Shirts, “Popov Vodka Presents” VHS Tapes and the NEW KILLER TERMITES T-Shirt now available at [http://www.DougStanhope.com/store](http://www.DougStanhope.com/store)Carlos Valencia - [http://carlosvcomedy.com/](http://carlosvcomedy.com/)Chad Shank Voice Over info at [http://www.AudioShank.com](http://www.AudioShank.com)Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org)Closing track from Carlos Valencia's new comedy cd “A Temporary Solution to a Permanent Problem” available at [http://carlosvcomedy.com/merch](http://carlosvcomedy.com/merch)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night. I remember that too. And then after that, I was always trying to sneak beer. And the last time I went there, Jenny laughed at me because I'm trying to stuff tall boys in my pockets. She's like, look over there. There's a dude with just a 12-pack in his lap drinking beer. I had that megaphone, and I didn't know there was any controversy over that. And I whipped it out, 4th of July. I was like, hey, you ready? And the guy goes, no, Apple 5.

I'm like, is this a rule? And the guys are like, no, no, no. No megaphones. It was pretty crazy when we got kicked out that time. By this a rule? And the guys are like, no, no, no. No megaphones. It was pretty crazy when we got kicked out that time. By the sixth inning. By who, though? Fucking janitor. The janitor guy? Yeah, I told him to go fuck himself. Well, I mean... Alright, I'll leave,

but I'm taking my bathrooms with me. Yeah, how about that? You got something to clean now. We barely wanted to be there anyway. At that point, we were tired of doing it. And then, it all, I mean, from the fucking National Anthem. No one told us we needed the National Anthem. And then they come to us, how come you're not playing the National Anthem?

I don't know, I guess we're not prepared to not be prepared. Yeah. I don't know what the fuck. Just like you, we're fucking customers. How come you're not playing baseball? We're filling in't know what the fuck. Just like you. We're fucking customers. We're not playing baseball. We're filling in for the nobody that you usually have doing this. Yeah, there's policy should be. If you get kicked out of announcing the game, you should have to leave the premises because

it didn't help. Well, that's what I thought was funny is because we were louder after that than we were announcing. And no one knew what was going on. We used to get good baseball teams here. We had locals that were playing on the team. They were fun. Then they brought the team down from Tucson to just play one Sunday here, and they were fucking wicked unfun.

They did not appreciate our... I thought that made it more fun. I still had a good time going to the baseball games. Yeah. The fact that we'd get sideways looks the whole time I thought was the point. Yeah. Well, they're trying to get

baseball back to Bisbee. Yay! Which won't be till next May if it happens. Yeah. They're planning early. All the way, Aldrich, who was a baseball player that we put up before Chaley's moved into that house.

He was working Pecos League. He was playing in Tucson whenever I was leaving for the train. We stayed overnight. Okay, July. Yeah, and he texted me. He wanted to come down, but he didn't have a car, and he was going to try to get one of his teammates to come down during the day.

And I go, well, I'll be up there on Sunday if you're playing the weekend. Just wait until Sunday night. If you have Sunday night off, he goes, yeah, you never know with the Pecos League. I might not be here three days from now. Oh, on a hitting streak? You might get traded? No, they might not open because the popcorn didn't show up, so they can't make any money at the concession stand.

It's not worth opening. Nobody can afford a ball. Here's a shout-out to uh adam sauter's friend he uh he emailed me and asked if i'd do a 30 second or minute long video for his friend's birthday and he can tell me all the details about her and i can personalize it and how much would i charge and i'm not gonna do that so you're giving it away? You're giving away the milk? Yeah, he didn't give me her name.

I just emailed him. I go, all right, I'll mention her name on a podcast. How about that? But he didn't get back to me in the last eight minutes. So it's just Adam Sauter's friend. Happy birthday or whatever it is. In three days, he might not still be with her the pecos dating but we uh we mentioned that on a podcast there was a lady that was relentlessly emailing me

about we're a company and we do uh celebrity uh you know videos and you just make these videos for people that want them and you get a cut of the profits and I'm like well we could just do that we don't need a company just do that do you want a video? I mean we do

don't ask me directly there's a way to get in touch it's just weird to circumvent the company by going great idea idea, thanks. Yeah, thanks. Can we get your jingle so we can use it? You realize we all have phones with that capability? Oh, I thought you were old.

I checked your thing. You appear not to be able to use email. Yeah, you're going to put me on a list with other people? Yeah. Oh, wait, I could get Dennis Rodman for the same money? They're going to go with Rodman? I'll just advertise myself. I don't need your company.

I don't need... That would be the worst. You agree to do it, going, I should have just done it myself. And then they never call. And they go, fuck, this hurts so much worse. We can also set you up for bachelor parties where you would play cornhole with people. What the fuck?

Just for fun, not money. But you will have to wear logos. I actually bought one of those for you, Chad, years ago. It was that really hot chick UFC fighter, MMA fighter. I don't know if it's UFC. And we watched one fight of hers and then I was like drunk hitting on her on Twitter relentlessly.

And then someone found where you could get one of those personalized videos. So I bought it for like 39 bucks or something to have her drop your name so we could play it on the podcast. I don't know if they charged me or not, but they never sent me the video. That's probably how the business works.

Yeah. You only do a video when you get sued. Yeah, exactly. Or just refund them the money. They didn't want to call the business. Who are you going to tell, bitch? But that's how it works. I didn't get my video.

Hey, our bartender's here. Hello, Tracy. It's Adam Sauter's friend day on the podcast. I have been nominated in the Bisbee Review slash Sierra Vista Herald for the best of Bisbee in the philanthropist column. Ooh. I don't know how you get nominated

for that, but they sent me a thing. Hey, you've been nominated. You're in the top three. Will you fill out this questionnaire so when we put it in the paper, people, when it comes to the final votes i'm nominated for the top three but i i like later on in the month they'll pick a winner what's the

well they want you to fucking tell your friends to fucking sign up and vote like we did uh best small town with the usa today for bisbee yeah that works so great. So I fill out the questionnaire. I just fucked with it. I go, oh, what's your biggest accomplishment to date? And I go, oh, this nomination, because it's not even a matter of winning, just being nominated brands me as a guy who gives out money to people.

Thanks a lot for that. I go, what's your next upcoming project? I go, explaining to all my meathead friends what a philanthropist is. It's me and a guy who does homeless lunch and the Verhulst House fucking recovery rehab place. Actual philanthropists. Yeah, actual people that matter.

But I'm sure it has to. I'm sure because of that best of Bisbee thing, they just threw me in there. This will put some eyeballs on the print. Yeah, and so I fill out the questionnaire, just goof answers and sent it in. And then she emails me back. Okay, great. I really want to uh meet with you and tell you what the next uh what's next but i don't know if you're on tour and i go what

do you mean what's next like what what have i been roped into taking it on the road like uh like talent search you go out and throw money at people One of those t-shirt cannons full of dollars. Well, then the rub comes where she says, oh, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you. It's been a week. Here's the deadline for buying ads. Ah, that's it. Buying ads to say that you're a philanthropist. To say thank you.

You know why I can be a philanthropist? Because I don't buy ads for myself. What am I advertising? Me? It's an ego stroke. Yeah, but what would you do? I get it in any kind of business thing. But what would you do there?

You just put a picture of you going, hey. Yep, I'm great. With an empty wallet going, ah. It's good, right? Turned out pockets. It's good, yeah. No more. Gravy train's over.

Going out of business sale. So I just wrote back, thanks, but I don't have anything to advertise. And then passive aggressive, it comes back. Oh, I completely understand. Most people just use the ads to thank the voters. Well, first of all, you haven't voted yet. Your friends and family don't even know what philanthropy is. So who cast?

Is it like, I nominate, second, done, move on to the next thing? Who the fuck voted for you? Yeah, but thank your voters. This has all the feel of Hillary Clinton building up that big inaugural thing. And all of a sudden, you got to pop all those balloons by yourself. and all of a sudden you gotta pop all those balloons by yourself I looked at previous years

and yeah people have been roped into it yeah Redbone yeah but that's a business I get it I know

I mean I can see yeah it's probably a cheap ad because it's probably a quarter page it's not it's fucking like 700 bucks for the big one

well in Anchorage when they did it the whatever the fucking weekly press they would do this and it was run by a company out of for the big one. Well, in Anchorage when they did it, the whatever, the fucking weekly out there, the press, they would do this and it was run

by a company out of Arizona somewhere and you would buy either a small eighth of a page, a quarter page, half page, full page

and they would add pages to a regular weekly. They would have to add more because so many people would buy the ads and they would have to do it

in, you know, fours, right? And they would do that and that's just a big, huge revenue stream for them. So, I mean, I'm surprised they don't do a half yearly best of half the year

because it would be double the money. Every best of weekly, best of the city, it's, you know, best tacos and best, you know, dog grooming.

Yeah. Well, you can do best dog grooming. Yeah. Best band of Bisbee. They don't have any money to fucking advertise. They play on the streets for fuck's sake. You're in a category with two halfway houses. They have more bugs than drugs. Never in a weekly ever in my life have I seen the category of philanthropy. And you know, someone was high-fiving themselves in the writers

room when they came up with that listen no one in Bisbee has money to advertise let's start a category of people like best has money mr. expendable income that's didn't you ever get nominated for the letter when you get in high school you've been you've been published in who's who

magazine or book and it's like a giant book just filled with people's names and then they try to sell it to you for $40

it's yellow pages you can buy a star on Hollywood Boulevard yeah you buy your own star really yeah no you have to actually

it's like it's like owning an ATM machine. You have to have so much money in the bank to even operate an ATM machine. You need to have so much money in a bank somewhere because they have to have someone maintain your star every year. It's like paying association fees.

It's like a cemetery plot. Yeah, exactly. That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard. I don't think anybody can buy a star. I would doubt. But the people who have a star had to pay for it. Well, there's probably someone who says, well, I don't know. Buster Keaton. I don't know.

That sounds made up. Someone has to look it up. Larry Flint. All right, we have to have some standards. Okay. Larry Flint can't. No. Wait, does he?

I don't know. Yeah, but he's over on Sunset. Start his own. The thing is, you pull fucking names out of a hat, I don't know how you get nominated. You were on the short list of people with money in business.

They ask for utilities. You're the only one that's paid up. He's got no debt at all? What's this guy doing right? Who is this philanthropist? So they put you in the top three, and now you vote for the winner. Well, what you just did is you didn't make a best of. You made two losers.

I'm going to lose best philanthropist where I didn't make a best of. You made two losers. Like, I'm going to lose best philanthropist where I didn't care before. I've never been a philanthropist. I mean, I buy the $9 plastic jug vodka if that's what it's based on. But the point is, you're going to make two people feel like assholes. It's like CNN's Hero of the Year.

They fucking pull 10 names out of their ass and they say, vote for the Hero of the year at CNN.com, and you just made nine people that do really good things for society feel like they weren't up to snuff. Yeah, you lost out to a teacher who works as retards. Again. To be fair, Doug works with a lot of retards around here. Yeah, there's another category

if I'm going to nominate him Larry Flint does not have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame we should lobby for that why not but the Funk Brothers do I don't know how this works well don't vote for me for a...

I'm sure you have to register. It's a fucking pay site, too. Like, their news site. Like, I'm lonely on the road, and I look up Bisbee News, and, hey, there's an article about something fun that happened in Bisbee, and they give you the first paragraph, and then you can subscribe. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They write a dummy first paragraph that teases you.

Is that, does ADN do that? They give you a little bit or they just don't even let you know. Now they just go right to it. So yeah, I just screenshot it because they give you the article and then they go to paywall. So you just click on the ad or click on the thing and show the article and

then they'd block it. But I would just screenshot really quick and I get the article i go fuck you and then i heard me if you go what i do is just go from their website if i find one that i want to read go to the social media site excuse me somebody who has it will usually fucking have the whole thing in the comments of the article. People will hook it up. The post will say you have to pay for it and then somebody will comment and go here it is for free. No you don't.

Well the problem I have with the whole paywall thing on all those things is the fact that it'd be fine. Don't show me a single I will pay you. Don't show me a single ad. Oh no we're going to show you all the ads that we pay for the New York Times times i go yeah new york times is the worst do it and there's fucking still fucking ads yeah and i go that's how you're actually paying for it you're ripping me off because you're still charging these people charge more for the ads you're gonna have half as many

i don't like it i think the news business is pretty pretty sharp they know what's going on well newspapers have been dying for a long time. These are all just death throes for the newspapers. Love the newspaper. At least when I'm traveling. You and other 93-year-olds, that's why the fucking industry is dying.

Their eyes are going bad and the papers stay in the same. Bigger print, more pages. I can't see. New York Times usually has good stories. It's not... I buy a newspaper now, and I've already read everything on Newser or whatever.

And Terror Bang. They have great fucking silly news. But there's a lot of articles that you sit and read, like the Anchorage news. Half of it is goddamn national stories. I go, why would I pay you to read national stories? Wire service. A man shot in

gas station in New Orleans. I'm like, why the fuck am I on the ADN to read that? He's a pretty good shot if he shot him from Anchorage. How about you explain your current problems and stop trying to divert to other cities? So, yeah, I want to do that on the podcast. don't know how i want to start doing the uh uh the most prestigious award in the industry recognized worldwide just have some lengthy title like that for anything and that

way you could just put that on your business your poster poster, your sign. We were awarded the most prestigious award recognized worldwide for French fries. But that's the name of our award, is the most prestigious award. I was always going to do that with comedy. I was going to say I won the French whatever festival thing and just make up your own festival. All you do is register it, and it's real. And go i won they go how many other people go i don't know

i just know it cost me 241 dollars and you got a big trophy you bring to all your shows we'll just start with the podcast like podcast people like i i thought uh the best Derek would be, and we award it to Kenny. He's the best Derek of the Funhouse Doug Stanhope comedy podcast. Of all time, in perpetuity, in this universe, in any other. Superseding all Derek's future. than any other. Superseding all Derek's future. Yeah, and the best person on Twitter.

Best cashier at Safeway. I mean, things that hit home. Right. By the way, I've been going into Sherry's Lane every once in a while at Safeway. Just because it can't always be that bad. It always is. One day it wasn't. I think she was like, maybe she was working a double or something.

She had nothing to say. Never even met eyes. Like, are you okay? I was kind of worried. I go, Tracy, something must be wrong. Went the next day, went in again and gab fest. I mean, like five people in

front of me and it's forever. And people start peeling out. And I start cheating up. And she's always in the express lane. You see other people that came in shopping are leaving before me. I don't go there very often, but every time I stop there it's the same way. But the other lanes are open.

I think that other lonely people in Bisbee get in her lane on purpose so they can chat. Nobody else will talk to them. Don't put her on the express. That's the fucking irony of it, isn't it? That's not irony. That's corporate greed right there.

They assume you'll start eating things or buying things. A point of sale right there. You're using one of those wet wipes to clean yourself because it's been a day and a half. How long have I been here? Buy a shaver at the express lane because... I've had three coffees at Starbucks.

I see people, like the poor fucking meat guys and the produce guys, where they get cornered by lonely people that just fucking, they're trying to work and you can tell they don't want to have this conversation. Hey, Mike. Yeah, did you see the golf yesterday? And they just go on and on, and I'll go over,

and I'll say, hey, can you make me a special cut of get them where they have to work? And I go, I'm just saving your ass right here. I'm doing the right thing. Talk blocking. Talk blocking. Talk blocking. Hey, got any of those stuffed pork chops back there? Yes, I do.

Give me the monkey cuts. Take three. They're small. Yeah. I would just do the whole thing where I don't speak English. I'd have a sign that says no English. But what language do you speak? None.

I have my tongue cut out. My tongue was cut out by Indians. That'll get 90% of the people down here. Every time somebody asks you, what language do you speak? You just shrug. I don't know. I don't understand you.

You didn't guess the right one, I guess. But Becker and I, we were talking about this, where people abuse their... Like when Bingo had to go to speech therapy after the coma, and she had one therapist that would just, oh, do you take whatever fucking tincture? Oh, you know, I take that

because I have psoriasis. And like, she's stuck here. She has to spend an hour, and you're not going to be... Just because she's sitting there doesn't mean you can use her as this fucking social fucking sounding board. I had the same thing when I had to go to court here a while back.

Oh, it was us that was talking about it. I said this fucking judge had an ego problem and didn't get enough likes on Facebook. That's how I described her because she came in half hour late and then gave a PSA for what seemed like 10 minutes. late and then gave a psa for what seemed like 10 minutes i just wanted to tell everybody that the ozone layer is the worst it's ever been so you can't burn wood and she starts giving suggestions i'm like a lot of these people are in jail lady why are you trying to fucking tell me can't have campfires they're trying to make a knife out of a toothbrush yeah i don't understand you're fucking know your audience. You're abusing your authority.

She kept it up through the whole thing. I had to get out of, you know, it was like 8 in the morning we had to be there, and I needed to get checked out of the motel by noon. So I was like, yeah, I'll get out of there by noon. It's after 10 o'clock, and there's one dude comes up there and says, how are you feeling today, sir? And he's like, I'm cold. It is cold in here, but there's not really anything I can do about it.

I was so cold once. You reminded me of something about me. It was exactly that. Later on, she goes, you mentioned earlier that you were cold, and then I see that you take an injectable medicine. I myself am a type 1 diabetic, so being cold can sometimes be a symptom of low blood sugar i just want to make sure that the dude's lawyer was rolling her fucking eyes at this point like jesus could also be an absence of a jacket

it was it was not always a medical condition it was in phoenix in fucking august it's not cold there's a reason why they call it the cooler. Yeah, it's hot as fuck outside. We're going to the cooler. This bitch told everybody about how she bought a peddler for underneath her elliptical. I don't know if you guys can see it, but I'm trying to pedal under here. You got to keep up. And I'm like, well, somebody kill this fucking judge.

I don't want to judge you, but could you shut up? I wanted to disrespect her courtroom, but I couldn't because I would be in trouble. I tried the entire time to fart. That's the only thing I could think of is I'm like, I'm going to rip a fart on this wooden bench

that everybody is going to fucking hear. And then I'm going to say I'm cold. And then it'm going to say I'm cold. Are you okay, sir? I had diarrhea the other day and I'm afraid you might be developing symptoms. You're in court for what? Manslaughter? That reminds me of that song, Man Eater

by Hall & Oates. I love Hall & Oates. The 80s are underrated when it comes to music. Sing it with me. Whoa, here she comes. Do you think he used a lot of hair products? His hair was very high. What?

God, that was annoying. By the way, Chad Shank was in court for a friend. It wasn't him. I know you're all sitting back there going, hey, did I miss a podcast

or Chad Shank finally did the bad, bad thing? No, it was in court supporting a friend. No, if I do the bad, bad thing, I'll take it all the way. Court will not be necessary. You won't be on the podcast. We'll be doing the police beat with a new stringer.

We'll be nominating him for the bestest way to go out in front of a judge on her exercise bike under her robe. While farting. While farting. Also, Chad Shank was saying, will someone kill this judge in a metaphoric way? Not metaphoric. I don't know big words. Kill her talk.

Not her. Kill this line of dialogue. Can you just take me out of this entire podcast? I'm trying to grow a respectable thing here in town. Tease. Becker's got a project. Tease. We'll talk about it one day.

Soon. Oh, yeah, I do, too. I feel that tease. Well, let's take a break and do a little something to pay the light bills here. Cocktails! Game time. Game time is the top destination for last minute tickets to live events,

sports, music, and all kinds of shows, including my shows. When it says sold out, where are you going to go? You check game time because there's still some tickets out there. There's no list, but there's tickets. Over 8 million people across the U.S. and Canada, which is another country according to my map, are already using the app. Unlike traditional ticketing companies

who overwhelm you with so many choices and steps, the GameTime app shows you only the best values ticketing companies who overwhelm you with so many choices and steps. The GameTime app shows you only the best values and makes buying tickets incredibly fast and easy. You can check out in two taps, and tickets are sent directly to your phone. And then you have a printer on your phone to print them off. The printer is not yet. The printer option is not online yet. Couldn't you just show him your phone, too?

That's what you do. He doesn't know that that's what you do. I don't know how to use that. I was going to say, I think that was your standoff. I just give him my phone. You trade it to get it? Here's my phone. And then he rips your phone.

He's got a password written down. Can you find my ticket? He rips Doug's phone in half. Here you go, sir. Keep your stuff. This will get you back in. I'm sitting in the key of flip. Oh, that's way in the back, sir.

Remember how easy it used to be? We used to just have to flip phones in half. Now we got to fucking... Bingo's is angry because I didn't answer my phone and I traded it for Rok-K for the Foo Fighters. Good move. To make selecting tickets

even easier, could it get even easier? Let's see. Game time shows you an actual high res photo from the view from your seat. Does it show you that dickhead who's smoking a fucking spliff and then blames you when security shows up?

I think it was them. Yes, they do. Yes, they have actual footage. We do have tickets coming up for Colorado Rockies at Arizona Diamondbacks. Go Diamondbacks! I mean, you get tickets from $12 at Chase Field. That's ridiculous. This is the first time I'm on the site.

I'm checking it out. And yeah, we can actually go see... The Diamondbacks are so crazy, they're practically giving this playoff chance away. Well, if you go to see the Arizona Diamondbacks play in Colorado, it's only $9. They can't get anyone to go to the game. Everyone's all

stoned. Oh, because their weed's legal. Better entertainment options. Yeah, I think if we can get a weekend open, Trace, we should head out to see the Diamondbacks. We'll get it on game time. Only if I can check out my seat in advance. I'll get drunk and buy a party bus on eBay. Oh, you can actually buy...

Wow. There are World Series tickets. This is what I talked about. Game one, game two, game three. I said that. Why can't I buy a World Series tickets. This is what I talked about. Game 1, Game 2, Game 3. I said that. Why can't I buy a World Series ticket? Early birds. Well, where's your fucking website?

You got to go to Game Time. I'm going to. It's right here. Game Time. I already said somebody should have invented it. They reinvented it. You stole Becker's idea, Game Time. Read the call to action and put Becker in there somewhere.

Read the call to action and put Becker in there somewhere. For $15 off yours and Becker's first purchase, visit usegametime.com slash Stanhope and use promo code Stanhope. That's usegametime, U-S-E-G-A-M-E-T-I-M-E dot com slash Stanhope and promo code Stanhope. Which is probably redundant. But you know what? We read what they tell us to read. Let's get back to the

podcast. You forgot to spell dot. Let's get back to the low energy of the podcast. Note, offer only valid for first-time customers. Voidware prohibited. Must be taller than the flag. Sorry. Sorry about the over- over modulation when I ate the microphone. No, that sounded sweet.

I got a little twingle. Wait, how much are you charging him for this? He wants to know how much you're going to charge him. Get $100. Hello, this is Adam. Hey, Adam, it's Stan Hope. You want to know how much you're going to charge him? Get $100. Hello? This is Adam. Hey, Adam. It's Stan Hope.

You're on the podcast. Oh, Jesus. Okay. Hey, how's it going? Good. How are you? I'm doing all right. All right.

We're going into a break, allegedly, but we're recording the advertisements in the middle of the podcast is how it's going to be edited. So off the top, we said, hey, this is a shout out to Adam Sauter's gal pal friend for whatever reason, but I didn't have her name. have her name. So later on in the podcast, I'm still going to be talking about Adam Sauter's gal pal, and we won't know her name, but they will now, because the commercials go in the middle. It's a fucking long

story. So Presley, Adam, tell us about why do we have to record shit for your gal pal? Well, I mean, it's a really long story. Do you really want to get into it? No. No, we don't.

Tell us the short version. Is it her birthday? It's her birthday, yeah. It's her birthday coming up this month, and she's a huge fan of yours, and I was trying to think of things that would really impress her, and she would just love it,

and you were the first name off the list. Well, yeah yeah you get a whole podcast dedicated to adam sauter's gal pal unnamed unnamed presley yes presley okay so when i get back to the podcast already in progress that comes out tomorrow i'll still refer to her as adam sauter's gal friend so we just have to say happy birthday to Adam Sauter's friend? Yeah. I don't want this to be a trend, Adam. I don't want other people to go, hey, can you

do this for my girlfriend? But it fit what we were talking about anyway. I don't give a shit if anyone else gets as one as I give my girlfriend. That's the correct attitude. How very American. Hey, 701, that's North Dakota, right? That is.

All right. What part? I'm in middle Bismarck, the capital of North Dakota. Meridian? Bismarck. Love the town and hate the town.

Meridian's your sister city across the bridge. Mandan. Oh, Mandan. Fuck. I said Meridian. Sorry, I'm thinking idaho mandan fucking love north dakota

one of my favorite uh uh sisters credit for north dakota yeah yeah my one of my uh favorite uh bingo's sister lived in uh outside of dickinson in the oil fields. Oh, you got a connection. All right, I got to do commercials. Okay. How old is Presley going to be? She will be 29.

Tell her there's no fucking birthdays except for round numbers anymore. She gets 30, 40, 50. She's dead of AIDS. Now she has to skip 30. All right. Yeah to skip 30 alright yeah yeah skip 30 you got 40 next 29

having a birthday party Jesus bothering me on my email when I'm trying to retire alright alright well I appreciate it alright

send us pictures of Presley in a inordinate states during her birthday party because I know how you party in Mandan. Birthday party hat on, yeah. We'll fix it for you.

All right, will do. Be a nice person. Goodbye. Bye. I was as nervous as he was. I like that you finished with be a nice person. It's like a Mr. Rogers episode.

Well, you said a lot of bad words on this podcast. You never have been so close to the fucking mic. I told you don't be on the mic because you have to be back. So you're way over-modulated on that. This podcast has been like a courthouse lately, I'm telling you. I think it was because you were... We've had to apologize. I have to sell some fucking advertising here.

You're going to come down on me for over-modulating? I back off the mic. You have one job is to under-modulate me. My bookie. I bet I can get odds on your fucking one job going into overtime. Mybookie.ag. My bookie. My goodness.

My bookie. How did Kenny do this week? Kenny did exactly what I told you he'd do, is fail miserably. And I picked against him, and I won on my bookie. That's right. I took the Patriots less six and a half. They won by seven. In your motherfucking face, Kenny. Just bet against Kenny, and you win on mybookie.ag.

That's true. Your results may vary. I've done that in the funhouse and it works. Yes. I fucking, I nailed opening week. I told you, take the dogs. I took the biggest dog that wiped out everybody's survivor pool.

I took Tampa Bay on the money line. And I think it was plus 370. I was like, almost four to one. Where I, yeah, they were nine and a half point dogs in New Orleans. That's one of my favorite teams, the Saints. But yeah, I bet against them because I know they're going to fuck up. You know how I know? Because they're one of my favorite teams, the Saints. But yeah, I bet against them because I know they're going to fuck up. You know how I know? Because they're one of my favorite teams.

And my favorite teams fail, and that's why they're my favorites. That's why we have this whole sea of cohorts of failures at the microphones. Becker will say he's not one. Kenny should probably listen to your bets and then secretly make some... Bet against himself? Yeah. I don't think that works.

Well, I mean, he could tell us what he's going to bet, but I can see because he's on my account. And what I'm going to do is I'm going to give him an extra $25 because if you... My bookie has a thing right now. If you hold off until depositing money until after 7 p.m. Eastern time, they'll give you an extra $25 for free.

Yeah. That's easy. You got to use a promo code Stanhope and add 25 to the end of it. So it'll be Stanhope25 is the promo code. Becker lives part-time in a sub-Saharan continent. Wherever my bookie is located, Becker has a house there and he knows why it might be

beneficial for you to bet after 7 p.m. because they have one cord that goes to Lily Tomlin and she plugs it into a wall. One ringy dingy, two ringy dingys. So yeah, bet after 7 p.m.

Go to my bookie. They're slammed with new bettors because of our fantastic promotions, and now everyone has a system. Bet against Kenny. I have to do – Kenny, I had to get him on the phone to get his pick of the week, which is he thinks the Bengals on Thursday night tonight, which is when this comes or whatever this.

Yeah. The Thursday night game is Bengals against the Ravens. He's taking the Bengals. He's wrong. It's a, it's a pick them game. So I'm going heavy on the Ravens. Take the Ravens. Bet against Kenny.

If you want to bet with me, I, the LA Rams minus 12 against my Arizona Cardinals. My favorite team. I'm betting against my favorite team again. They are going to get fucking destroyed in LA against the filthy Rams who ruined their fucking helmet and they made the white stripes. I fucking hate the uniform. Oh, I haven't seen it this year yet.

Oh, it's awful. Becker and I watched that fucking Raiders-Rams game. Hence why I don't bet on football. MyBookie.ag. They've got in-game live betting over-unders on fantasy points scored and the most rewarding player perks in the business. Check it out. Join MyBookie and they'll match your deposit dollar for dollar. Use promo code StanHope to activate the offer.

Visit MyBookie online today. That's M-Y-M-Y-B-O-O-K-I-E. Who can't fucking spell MyBookie? Why is this in the goddamn... You act like my listeners are idiots. Don't underestimate the listeners. It's M-Y-B-O-O-K-I-E. Not my philanthropist.

Not? And don't forget to use the promo code S-T-A... You've got the fucking Stanhope promo code. Hey, Chad, wrap it up. If you're willing to hold out until after 7pm you can get an extra $25 in free play by using promo code

Stanhope and add 25 to the end of it I fucking paused too long so Stanhope 25 Stanhope and add 25 to the end of it Stanhope 25 is the promo code. I know. Let's do this fucking...

Let's fix this for them. I dare you to leave this in. If you're willing to hold out until after 7 p.m., you can get an extra $25 free play by using promo code Stanhope25. 7 p.m. Eastern. Yeah, that's two promo codes, and it's fucked up. Well, they're trying to get everyone to bet later in the evening. Wants to activate and wants to save $25.

That's worth $25. Thank you for spelling that out. MyBookie.ag. You play, you win, you get paid. It's a thank you story yeah okay let's uh let's do some uh some thank yous should do thank yous before it's too late i was on uh facebook a while back and i have a few people that i had messaged back and forth with mostly people that sent me things here and there uh guy that sent me like the jailhouse uh A guy that sent me the jailhouse lawyer's handbook and just different people that,

hey, did you get that? I did, thank you. And we'd message back and forth. I think three of them, I went to see on their profile on Facebook, three of them are dead. Like for real dead? Yeah, yeah.

Just not ghosted? Yeah, no, dead. Their page is in memoriam and there's people going, we miss you, Stone Cat. That was the guy that was the guy that sent me the thing he actually

one of his messages that he loved hearing his name that nickname on the fucking podcast and now he's dead so he can't hear it well I'm sure he turned all of his friends on to it so say thank you's well we should say thank you's while we can and try to stay alive out there, I guess.

Brad Sampson, you fucking nailed this jacket. Thank you, sir. It is nice. Brad Sampson's been around for a while. Remember Bangor, Maine, Chaley? Where we played that fucking sushi restaurant on a balcony? Yeah. Fucking weirdest.

Stop kills others? Most ridiculous gig. Yeah, it was a stripper that was fucking talking and yelling the whole time. And I'd throw her out. And then she still wanted to chat afterwards. I'm like, no, I don't like you. They usually do hip hop events there. Yeah.

Which I thought was as weird as doing comedy at a full on sushi bar. Yeah. They had the traditional pits that you would sit in. Someone went to some effort here. I'm assuming a Japanese person put this whole thing together, and now they're doing fucking hip-hop after parties and our little show. Yeah, I don't know why I remember Brad Sampson, except he emails me all the time now,

but he came from Canada for that Bangor main gig. He found this fucking jacket and emailed me, hey, does this look like anything you'd wear? And I'm like, fuck yeah. Does it look like a rug from the 70s? It fucking is.

It's the interior of a van. It actually fits perfect, too. And it's an email. He has a picture. And he says, I go, I don't know if it'll fit, but fuck yeah, it looks fucking great. And he goes, okay, I'll go back and see if it's still there. Like, he drove all the way back to it. He didn't buy it.

He just saw it in a thrift store. And by the time I emailed him back, he was already home. But yeah, he went back, he got it, and it fucking fits. Let me see the lining. Open her up. What does that say? It says Can someone else Someone have eyes? Lam Kasha?

He tried it with glasses and without glasses and it didn't work. By Sybil Rowe? Yeah, I took my contacts out so now I have to wear glasses. I don't like it. Lori Voigt sent me this tie. I saw this tie. I saw this tie. I thought of you.

Well, you thought right. Good fucking work, Lori Voigt. It's so rare when people can actually pigeonhole exactly what is cool and what is garbage. And Carlos Valencia has a new CD out. I have not listened to it, but it's called Temporary Solution to a Permanent Problem. I like the title. That's all I got. I just retweeted a thing.

JT Haversad is having that comedy festival that a whole bunch of our friends are in. Christine Levine and a bunch of people. In Austin? Yeah. I think they're like September 22nd. I don't know. I don't want to say the date.

Yeah. It's the punk alter September 22nd. I don't know. I don't want to say the date. Yeah. It's the punk altercation. It's usually what he... There's a whole bunch of cool people going to be there. It looks like fun. Yeah.

I think Eddie Pepitone is doing it. Eddie's fucking great. Yeah. Christine, Mishka, I don't remember those. A couple more people that... Oh, yeah.

That's just... This is the Barnabas Collins joke book. And this goes back to the Becker days and Captain Rowdy where I would open for Captain Rowdy was the world's most controversial comedian. He titled himself.

He was big in Lubbock. It's huge in Lubbock, actually. Other places, not so much. Tulsa, he was... Lubbock. It's huge in Lubbock, actually. Other places, not so much. Tulsa, he was... Lubbock and surrounding communities. Yeah. Tulsa backwards is a slut. But I remember finding this...

Barnabas Collins, who none of you would remember, listeners, people here, was a show in the 60s, and he's a vampire it's a soap opera though yeah like as the world turns yeah

but with a vampire theme all I know is a vampire I was gonna say yeah they do that now yeah no but they yeah they resold it to kids

I go I watched it when I was nine it was creepy because it was live and it was black and white and it was and it was when kids could watch it because it was in the afternoon was black and white and it was very... And it was when kids could watch it

because it was in the afternoon. So I found this back then in a thrift store. I found the Barnabas Collins joke book. It's Barnabas Collins in a funny vein. Vein spelled like an artery. Ironically, the cover had the best joke. You don't know that though. The worst fucking jokes ever.

All puns plays on, and some of them don't even make sense. What does Barnabas call insects which develop into butterflies? He calls them caterpillaries. There you go. Says it all right. Why won't Barnabas go to the dentist to have his fangs repaired he just thinks it would be a grind so i would go on stage opening for rowdy and if a joke didn't

work i'd pull this out i go okay you didn't like that here i found this in a thrift store and i'd start reading these jokes to dead air silence. And I'd go, okay, do you want more Barnabas Collins, or are you going to start laughing at the thrift store? You're threatening them with one. And then the next time something didn't work, I'd just fake for the pocket. Huh? You want the joke book again? And then Rowdy used to have a clunker.

He'd go, get Dougie back up here with that joke book. Go back up and start reading jokes. I love that. So I went on eBay and I found the Barnabas Collins joke book. Every time this fucking podcast is going to shit. When vampires get a rub down, what do they use? They always use witch hazel. Didn't see that coming.

That's actually a good suggestion. It's good. It's an astringent. So every time the podcast is going to shit, are we going to change the name of it to Barnabas Collins? Listen, this reminds me to plug merch, because I get a lot of actual snail mail, fan mail,

and it's always fun a lot of times it's from jails or mentally mental health facilities for the criminally insane and I don't know what to do with it so I give it to Chaley and he puts fan mail

from other people into merch orders so someone that orders merchandise from DougStanhope.com, go to the store or whatever the fuck you go to, someone's going to get the Barnabas Collins joke book along with your purchase or some of this other fan mail. Doug, you had these three, was it all three? Yeah, you had three National Lampoons.

Oh, yeah, I forget about that. These are all from the 70s. Yeah, you had three National Lampoons. Oh, yeah. I forget about that. Fuck, I don't remember. These are all from the 70s. Yeah, the 75. God damn it. I can't remember who sent that. Fuck, I had it. I don't know who that one is. They know who they are.

Yeah, whoever sent me three National Lampoons. This X-rated 3D entertainment National Lampoon with... It is pretty good. Stevie Wonder with 3D glasses on it on the cover. And it's got the 3D glasses in on the cover and it's got the it's got the glasses in there and i sat there looking at it was very funny because the only thing they don't have anymore hold on is all of those they're national lampoons from the 70s and they had the uh the tear out uh subscribe now for this other magazine that you know doesn't exist so i filled

all of those out and subscribed to three different magazines so that's the only thing that's missing from those but yeah i'll be re-gifting the national lampoons there's going to be some artwork i don't want to talk about that guy on the air that's because we're we're going to go out and uh hopefully podcast with him in uh on the east coast oh in the in the the talk to the... Let me get my fingerprints off that letter. One of the psychiatrists

said, yeah, I'm all for doing a live podcast from the criminally insane ward of an unnamed psych. Oh, speaking of

criminally insane, J.T. Havrisat and the Altercation Punk Comedy Tour is October 5th at the Wurst Biergarten. I guess, is that? He's got, there's venues all over. Just give him the web address.

This is on Eventbrite. All right, just Google search. Habersat is H-A-B-E-R-S-A-A-T. Or Altercation Punk Comedy. Yeah, he's advertising it. It's not hard to find. And there's a bunch of big names on there. Yes.

Well, I can't find Habersat alone is a big name. I didn't mean long names. Sorry, guys. We ran out of letters. Just social media, everyone. Just start spelling it and quit. I got a postcard that I can read from Alex from Arkansas. Dear Chad, thanks for telling your stories on the podcast.

I'm a fuck-up with mental issues, but you being surrounded by friends gives me hope for my future. I'll find my home one day. I read that and I thought it was pretty good because the last time when I was here... It'll be right next to Becker's house. When I was here fucked up last week when we were laying underneath the table

I was all fucked up and told you guys that I didn't think I would ever find a place where I fit in. I don't really fit in here, but it's just a place for people that don't fit in. You fit in underneath the table. To be fair, I immediately looked at the postcard and went,

why did he use a forever stamp? That's like a postcard is like 23 cents. He spent like 48 cents. He's not a philanthropist. Oh, I got some. Hey, grab my stamps over there. I'm going to start mailing shit with these stamps I got off of eBay. I was looking for.

What are you going to mail, though? You mail shit? Christmas cards? There's still a few things that you have to write a check for, and it makes me fucking crazy. It's not. One of them is my fucking accountant. He knows better than to take credit cards and lose 2.5%.

Tooth note. You can still find these on eBay. I don't know. They must be from the 70s. They're 10-cent stamps, so I'm going to have to use a lot. But when you use a lot, they're going to look at why you used a lot, and then they're going to read it. Retarded children can be helped.

10-cent stamp. And that girl doesn't even look retarded. No. Bad picture. It's that one angle on social media where everything looks right. They're blocking most of her face with a hand, to be fair. Nobody wants to look at a retarded kid. That's just un-aesthetic.

Is that a word? Where's her other hand? That's the handicap. That doesn't make sense. Yeah, she's short a hand. Maybe she found a hand. And she's just carrying it around. She's a zombie. Yeah, she's short a hand. Maybe she found a hand. And she's just carrying it around. Yeah, she's just rubbing.

Get a red marker. Let's get red eyes. She's just rubbing a severed hand on her face like a fucking retard. I'm against this whole podcast. Who wants a Tootsie Roll for a dollar? Look what I found. You ever remember that? When I was a kid, remember they went around selling Tootsie Rolls there?

The big ones, like the candy bar size. No, the kids were big, but yeah. But they would come up to you in the parking lot and go, do you want a Tootsie Roll? And you go, I do, but I don't know what the deal is here. And they go, it's donation. And you just give them like pocket lint and just run off with your candy. It's like the worst thing, 110 degrees.

I want a Tootsie Roll. I've never heard of this. No, that's what they did. I never knew that one. They'd send the kids out and they would come to you and approach you in a parking lot and sell like Girl Scout cookies, but these were not Girl Scouts.

You were scared at first and then you went, ooh, a treat. And then you went, don't get in the van. Don't get in the van. So it's the same mob that sent the deaf people out with pencils to make money? Yeah, exactly. Or the thing at the mall where it spins in a circle. You drop a quarter, and it spins in a circle.

And then you go, what's that for? They go, the blind. They go, they can only hear it. They can't even see it. It is pretty exciting to hear. You'll never see a quarter of that money. It goes faster until it gets to the middle and... Everyone can enjoy that, Becker.

Let's get to Chad's new project. You got a project? Oh, yeah, I do. I have a Twitch channel, HD underscore Fatty. Somebody took HD Fatty and Chad Shank. But it's a video game thing. It's like Periscope, but with a focal point where you don't have to just look at my dumb face and I don't have to try to come up with things to say.

But the whole thing about it is that it's easy to become what's called an affiliate. I'm going to start streaming on the 17th. Explain what it is to me. Okay, okay. That's what I said. It's like Periscope, but it's with a video game. I'm playing a video game. Against you.

Against other people. Yeah. And other people can tune in like a Periscope, hear us playing video games, live chat. We can respond back to live chat. Erickson does one in the Comedy Store. The Comedy Store has one comic. It's Fortnite, I believe she does.

The other night I watched it, they were playing a whole different game. It was just a bunch of chicks in there, bullshit, but it was funny. It's just a thing that people are doing with video games now. But my thing is that I discovered that everybody that has an Amazon Prime account has a subscription to this Twitch. Twitch is owned by Amazon. That nobody really probably ever uses. I didn't even know that I had it. So in a month, when I become an affiliate, I can take paid subscriptions. when I become an affiliate, I can take paid subscriptions.

Well, your free account, if you go in and subscribe to my account with your free account, that counts as a paid subscription to me. Even though it doesn't cost you anything. Even though it doesn't. It's the only way I feel comfortable. It's the only way I have confidence promoting myself is that would you help support me make money if it cost you absolutely nothing? You got my vote. Help support me make money if it costs you absolutely nothing.

You got my vote. So if I can get a couple hundred people to do that, it would literally be a lot of money in my pocket. It'll keep them off the watchtower for a minute. And the other thing is that I don't play video games really. So you just heckle when you're online. Well, I get frustrated with it it's fucking me so it'd be fun to watch you that's why i tune in basically we can watch chad lose his mind while he's safe at home i'm waiting to see if how long you can turn chad shank into

james inman yeah and it costs you nothing yeah exactly so i'm on amazon i'm gonna i'm gonna tune into your thing where do i find it okay here's the thing is on Amazon. I want to tune into your thing. Where do I find it? Okay, here's the thing. I didn't really want to get into this yet because I have to go 30 days. I'll start streaming on September 17th is when my internet gets an upgrade. After 30 days, I have to make minimal requirements. One of them is 50 followers.

I started tweeting it and Stan will retweet it. I got like 160. So I met that one. The next one is I have to get a real achievable number of views. Like an average of three views per stream. And I have to stream like 500 minutes in the first 30 days.

There's Well, yeah. So people do need to fucking get on it now and then we'll re-punch this in a month. And and next then we go to the next step which you have to buy an ad no no no we're nominating you as the number one my whole account my whole grip is that this is something you already paid for and that's it that's why he explained to me i go i'm in i already got it i'm not fucking watching somebody

else well all right i'll figure out how to do it, and then we'll detail it. We'll talk more, yeah. Until the 17th. Yeah, we'll talk more about it. I will, at least, until you guys tell me to shut up about it, because I could actually make money. Are you going to eventually, if you hit a certain number on the thermometer raising for charity,

how many will you do full nude? No. That would lose me followers. That would be like, who do you think I am, Nike? I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to go and talk. But I also talk to like,

Kenny and Derek can both join in and play games with me, and we can talk shit. That's fun. That's fun. Yeah. So, I mean, there's... There's like a chat feature that's in there on that,

so you can talk to people as they're chatting, popping things up. Wait, live or in type? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, if you're... Like we do with Discord. If you're playing the game with us, then you can chat in the

headset and the microphone, but we'd have to do that selectively. I don't know how to do it. I'm new to all this fucking shit. I never even had this gaming console until a week ago. Thank God for somebody leaving their car unlocked. It's going to be so much fun to watch

you go off the fucking rails. What I'm thinking is it'll be a race to see how long Twitch kicks me off. Yeah, yeah. Because one of the first things I was playing with Jason Furion is a zombie game that's like parkour and zombies, which you have to jump on buildings and shit and avoid zombies. And it's hard as fuck. It's fast, and you have to move. It's like Ellen DeGeneres.

Well, and he's jumping up on top of buildings going, come up here. And I'm trying to jump on a bale of hay and I keep falling off. And I'm like, two inches off the ground. That's exactly what was happening because I told him, I go, I think I made a mistake. And he goes, what do you mean?

And I go, when I was selecting my character, I think I might have picked faggot. And I think that'll probably get me kicked right off Twitch. So I have to watch that. Yeah, you're going to have to say, yeah, I picked me. No? I picked me. I can't jump on it, eh? I picked fat guy.

There you go. That's better. Faggot's his default. So here, up there is what we're looking at right now just so you know and you go to twitch.tv to to be able to log in and create an account trust me once once i can make money off of this i'm gonna be fucking throwing links out there like crazy to get people to help me because again you don't have to pay anything you just if you have amazon prime if you don't have to pay anything. You just, if you have Amazon Prime. If you don't have Amazon Prime, just fucking knuckle under. There's people that just hate things because, yeah, I'm sure it's some, they do horrible things to people in a warehouse or something.

But you know, at some point you have to go, Walmart, it's really fucking convenient. Well, if anything, if you're against all of the Amazon employees getting, you know, shit end of the deal, you can fuck Amazon over and get me. I can come out on top at Amazon's expense.

There you go. So... And then you get swizzle sticks in two days. I'm in. I love this. And this is kind of what we do with

the Near the Wild podcast Becker, John Norse and I we use that kind of technology with another software called Discord but it's the same thing and it's fucking sweet yeah

I've got a camera set up there'll be a small picture of my goofy face and then a video game that I'm playing and then me fucking yelling about you got a headset

anybody yeah oh look at you is this all set up in your studio? I am completely set up, yes. You got one of those harmonica holders for your cigar? That's the other thing. That's the other thing is I smoke a lot of weed.

I'm going to have to jump up and run in the other room to smoke weed because if I'm going to get kicked off for saying faggot, they'll kick me off for smoking weed. Yeah, have you looked at the rules and regulations? Well, one of the things that's ironic can you go to Shitterwell

is Alex Jones on this twitch.tv they're very much anti-violence that's the main thing is you can't be is it a video game and that's the thing

is the video game that I'm playing is nothing but murdering people Call of Duty Black Ops World of Warcraft I'm playing Far Cry 5

where you just the whole thing is where you murder people. I mean. They're bad guys. You're a good guy murdering bad guys. It's going to lead to violence when you smash your console. That'll happen.

As long as you don't smash the camera. People need to see you breaking shit. Yeah. It'll be fun. You should probably put some Plexi in front of your screen. Joby and I had a business idea of that where you can get a clear screen that

goes in front of your TV because every time Joby and I would watch TV we'd get pissed off at it and you can have like a slingshot with beanbags that you launch at it or like a little shotgun with beanbags and you can shoot but it doesn't destroy your TV. Yeah, put a little squib in there. The little blood shots you can see.

You got a marker. More accurate, right? Yeah. That's a little old school. Now that I've started playing video games, I realize that we need to probably do like a VR headset that you can put on and it looks like you're... Like you splatted it. Splatting it, yeah. They got retro gaming so I can do little asteroids.

Dude, if I was to actually make money on this to where I could pay off the fucking equipment I've already bought to do it, for like $40 I can get an adapter called an upscaler and play my old Nintendo on Twitch. The old Nintendo controller? My whole old Nintendo.

Yeah, with Mike Tyson punch out and Super Mario Bros. Missile Command? Uppercut. Yeah, with Mike Tyson punch out. Missile command. Uppercut. Right body blow. I don't want realistic. I want to go back to where it used to be,

where you go, clearly, it's a computer beating up another computer. Wow, there's a ton on here, man. This is great. I'm hoping it works out all right, because it'll be fun, and it'll be profitable for me, and my poor wife doesn't have to go back and get molested at the hospital anymore. Not on the clock. Not on the clock.

If she does, it'll be by choice. For funsies. She better not tell me about it. There's some badass stuff here. We'll talk offline about this. I'm fucking in. Right on. Great. I don't really have anything else. I get

football started. I've watched some of that. All of it. How'd you do on your bets over the weekend? I'm up. Yeah. I bet against Kenny, but we've already talked about that. Thank God

I didn't bet the raiders like i wanted to um yeah i'm up good that's all that counts kenny's down i looked at his account but he that he likes to scrape scrape back up into a winning position he hasn't done it yet ever but he likes to scrape into winning positions. He likes to set himself up for that drama. Look, I know what's happening now, but just wait until later on in the season. A $50 scratch ticket is so much more lucky

than a $10 one five times. God, he's the worst. Uh-oh, fucking shots are going around. This is forced drinking for this podcast. I am... I'm just drinking a beer. My whole sleep schedule has been so fucked where I go to bed. I get drunk.

I go to bed maybe 10 o'clock. I wake up at 1.30 in the morning. I'm up till 5.30 or 6. I take a Benadryl. Then I sleep till fucking noon or 2. And I just feel strokey all the time you think it could be the drugs because I just sleep naturally and it's very funny

I stay up until I fall down and then I get up four hours later yeah but you don't get drunk I think we can both debate that one I've been here for that I've had grandkids at my house sleeping in my bed so I've been here for that. I've had grandkids at my house sleeping in my bed,

so I've been sleeping on an air mattress in my studio. So I was actually hoping to get real drunk tonight so I could sleep in a bed here. I'm sorry, your grandkids are in the little house. We're going to surprise you. Guess who's here? I didn't know it was that kind of show. Yeah, I think the bed's

open tonight. It's been a lot of wayward drunks. It's like the old Super Bowl parties. Was the rape trailer open? I don't know. Go check it with a stick.

Just dive in there. Poke to see if it moves. Chaley always says he's afraid to go in there because there might be a body of someone that was over and crashed so they didn't have to drive. They left early. Yeah, nobody ever checks.

There's no follow through here. Well, you hear the fucking AC on and it's like that was like 40 hours ago someone went in there and the AC's still on. I turn the AC off when I leave first thing in the morning. I get some budget from the outside so in case there is someone in there.

I walk in there and I take a big whiff of fucking desert death, and then you can never eat pork chops again. It's like that lizard that was dead under my sheets. I walked in going, God, what's... Doug, did Meatwig the cat cat, drag something in here? Is there something? He's like laying in the bed, and he's like, I don't know. I mean, I guess I can kind of smell it.

He's like, maybe it's me. I'm like, I don't know, dude, but I smell something. And then like two days later, you're like, yeah, I was laying on a fucking. It was like five layers of fucking blankets and sheets and shit. It's easier to put them all on the bed than to find closet space. The funny part is that usually... He was laying on a toad is what it turned out. It was a lizard.

A dead one. It was a lizard. But the funny thing is that usually lizards are small. If the lizard dies in your house or whatever, it just dries up because they're little. There's big motherfucking lizards here that smell like decomposition. There's meat going on lizards here that smell like decomposition. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's meat going on, going bad there. Yeah, I was, again, day sleeping,

my second sleep of the day, and Chaley came in, and he's like, ah, fuck, meat wig has a thing. It's gnawing on it. So I got up. It was still alive. Like, have some, you know, pressure for urgency if the fucking thing is alive. I saw Meatwig walking through the door like he was a kid with all A's on a report card.

Just high-stepping, going in. I'm like, hey, hey, come back, come back. And then he went in, and then after it's in the bathroom, that's the killing floor. I don't go in there for that. Yeah, that's where you come home from the road, and there's just some blood stains and some feathers. Wow, you even ate the feet, you sick motherfucker. You probably ate the feet first. That's the best part.

Well, this one was alive and I saved it. This bird lived. Most of them aren't, it turns out. They either get away and then we find them in the house somewhere flitting around. I've got a hawk. You've got the picture. I've got a hawk you've got the picture i got a hawk a big hawk and he's devouring uh doves at a rate at which not as a pet hold on not as a pet outside in our hangs out above yeah in the alligator and he just looks at me and there's

feathers now all over my yard i have to go rake feathers because it just looks like a pillow fall. Is it snowing? It's snowing right out the window. And I have chihuahuas, so I'm concerned with him, but he just stares at me, and he knows I'm going to kill him now because he's like, and move over a limb and stares at me.

He's not going to kill a hawk because that's illegal. What he means is he's going to kill what the hawk is talking about. That judge is going to kill the hawk. Thanks, Jonathan, for the BB gun. i don't know if i told you guys about this but i actually took a video of it i went outside one day and my cat had a rabbit and he his whole guts were open it's eating its guts out of its belly with like a giant hole in it

and i walked down the stairs and the rabbit lifts its head and looks at me like, Dude, this is fucked up. And I was like, Holy shit. So I videoed it for a little while. World star! What's fucked up is I don't even show these things to anybody. It's just a video that I have like a weirdo. Just use it to jerk off? Yeah, I've never even looked at it.

The memory of me putting my heel on the rabbit's head is enough. I don't need to look at the minute. It was nice. The rabbit's got luck. It was a nice thing to do. Don't awe me. I'm the hero in this story. You could try to put him back together.

Not to the rabbit. Oh, trust me. He looked at me. He wanted the heel. He was getting his guts eaten while he was straight alive. Then he holds his little leg up and goes, These are lucky. These are lucky.

He was blinking kill me in voice code. There's a little Dalton Trumbo reference there. Oh, my God. There was a guy I remember in junior high. His name was Richie Finkel. Somehow he got the talons of a hawk. His parents read Mad Magazine a lot. And he was showing us,

I think this was one of the first times I got stoned, he was pulling the tendons and watching the hawks, like his claws go like this, and he was just like, and he was like pulling it down. That's like a redneck toddler toy. I did that as a youngster all the time. Some people give their kids a rattle.

Rednecks give their kids a bird foot with a tendon hanging out. God, I hope Adam Sauter's gal friend is really enjoying this podcast. Shout out to her. Dedicated to her special day. We hit all the topics I think you wanted us to hit, right? Yeah.

I got nothing else except a fan request show. Well, I wish we could play a Jack and Diane song because I told these guys earlier when I got here, on the way on my motorcycle, that song came on the radio. It's the first time i ever realized that he says that somebody was outside the tasty freeze sucking on a chili dog yeah what the fuck sucks on a chili dog well first you gotta find a tasty freeze that actually serves that was the other thing i said what kind of whore girlfriend did he have but it never said

that it was her it might have been him it. It was Jack and Diane. They were outside sucking on the chili dog. Maybe they're doing it like the Dalmatians with the spaghetti. They're sucking on each end. God, that's sexy. Yeah. As the chili mounts up like a mustache. The chili mustache. He dated Meg Ryan.

Rolls down their chins. For God's sake. They're ruining it. Alright. Alright, this is a feel-good podcast. Hey, I'm... Hold on. I'm one of the top three best philanthropists in Bisbee, so...

Hey, can I have a cigarette? No, that's what you open yourself up to. No longer philanthropist. I've been drinking free this whole time. I can attest to this. Hey, you want to play a clip from Carlos Valencia's? Oh, yeah, do that. Absolutely.

Yeah, let's go out on that. What's the name of it again? It's called Temporary Solution to a Permanent Problem. Love the title. Yeah, I'm going to order that. Ladies and gentlemen, Carlos Valencia. Wow. Wow, thank you. Thank you for that spontaneous ovation.

Can we just do that for 60 minutes? Can we just fucking... No, no, no, no, no. All right. Come on. I'm going to repeat this. I do have a negative outlook on life. But I do believe that while you're here, while you're alive, you should make the best out of it. Try to live your life to the fullest. Do anything that you can to enjoy it while you're here. And that's why I think we need to embrace things like stains and scars and scratches. Because those are things that usually are seen in a negative way, but I think they're positives. I think if you have any of those three things, that means that you've lived. You've done something worthwhile. If you got a scar or a scratch, that means that you've lived. You've done something worthwhile.

If you got a scar or a scratch, a stain, something fun happened. You did something worthwhile. Embrace that. The example that I give all the time is if you have a basketball that has no wear on it, then nobody ever had fun with that basketball. It's just a waste of a basketball because nobody ever had fun with it. And I didn't always have this philosophy. I learned it eventually.

I used to, like, this is actually what happened. I had a Guns N' Roses shirt as the appetite for a destruction shirt, which is one of my favorite bands. I loved that shirt. I was at a bar. It got a little clumsy. And I spilled my whiskey on this shirt. And I was like, ah, fuck, I just ruined this shirt. It's my favorite shirt.

But then I thought about it a little bit more. And I was like, nah, man. If you know anything about Guns N' Roses, it's that they were alcoholics. So if you spill alcohol on your Guns N' Roses shirt, that just makes it more legit. You just made that shirt more legit. That's kind of like having a Bob Marley shirt that has weed stains on it. It's kind of like having a Nirvana shirt with a shotgun hole through it.

That sort of thing. You didn't really think I was going to leave you on a positive. Well, speaking of guns, how do you guys feel about guns? You know what guns? Some of them? All right. This is how I feel about gun control. I think it's too late. I think it's too late. I'm not anti-gun because I think there's too many guns out there already.

There's no way to take them all back at this point. There's too many of them. I do think we should do a little bit more about it, like maybe just don't give retarded people guns. Is that too much to ask, maybe? At the very least, I think we should drop all these meaningless slogans that people throw around that do nothing to

forward anything. Like, people say, like, oh, you know what? Guns don't kill people. People kill people. Okay, well, then why don't we just kill all the people and let the guns live in peace? That all we need to do? Is it that easy? How about this?

How do you guys feel about school shooters? School shooters. I think they're jerks. I think they're jerks. Oh, I'm not afraid to say it. I think school shooters are jerks. Because they go to the school and shoot everybody. They just shoot absolutely every single person there.

And I'm like, no, don't do that. I mean, I've been angry enough that I wanted to shoot people. But don't shoot everybody. Shoot the bullies. Shoot the people that were mean to you. And then maybe you could argue, well, I couldn't find them. Okay, well, if you couldn't find them, then how about just shoot the kids that don't have much of a future anyway?

They're not that hard to spot. Really? It's like, what is that, pop collar? Bam! I'm pretty sure we didn't lose the cure for cancer. That one. Like, what, that affliction shirt? Bam! that one, like with that affliction shirt, bam!

I don't think that was going to be the next Secretary General of the United Nations. Like, what is that, you're 16 and you're pregnant for the second time? No, we'll keep you around because I love whores. I love whores.

Thank you, everybody. Good night. Thank you everybody, good night