The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #280: Mr. SoberOctober: Stanhope Owns Week 1! Find Out How.

Episode Date: October 10, 2018

It's the end of SoberOctober, Week 1 and Doug has an update. He also shares fun stories from back in his partying days 2 weeks ago with Mishka Shubaly and James Inman. Email your questions for the podcast to [e-mail] Recorded Oct. 9th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille. This episode is sponsored by The Best of the Bonfire. Subscribe now to “The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Dan Soder” on Apple Podcasts or your favorite podcast app. CW Hemp – CHARLOTTE’S WEB HEMP EXTRACT – either in oils or capsules is a simple way to upgrade your day. CHARLOTTE’S WEB is offering a unique offer to our listeners. Go to [CWHemp.com](CWHemp.com) and enter promo code STANHOPE at checkout to get 10% off your order. Some exclusions apply, see website for details. [MyBookie.ag](MyBookie.ag) - Log onto [MyBookie.ag](MyBookie.ag) right now and double your money. Use promo code STANHOPE and you’ll get your first deposit matched 100 percent. You must use promo code STANHOPE . You play, you win, you get paid. [PricelessPillow.com](www.PricelessPillows.com) – The most comfortable pillow you will ever sleep on. Log on to [www.PricelessPillows.com](www.PricelessPillows.com) and use the promo code STANHOPE for 30% off your purchase. Interact with Chad Shank while he tries to conquer video games. Go to [Twitch.tv](Twitch.tv), search @HD_Fatty and subscribe. If you have an Amazon Prime account it's free. Instructions are pinned up top on Chad's Twitch page. [Ghost Ride Productions](GhostRideProductions.com) - The Butcher of Black Knob only uses products from [GhostRideProductions.com](GhostRideProductions.com). Click on over and see why this is the best stuff out there.  Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org) Closing clip from 1962 Looney Tunes Bugs Bunny cartoon "Shishkabugs" features Yosemite Sam as the cook for a mean king. “Hasenpfeffer!” - [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4UWdlfH86s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4UWdlfH86s)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Hey, welcome to the Doug Stanhope podcast. This is the soberber October Lite version this is our first Sober October update our first podcast since the two legendary if you didn't hear the last two podcasts

do you know the number on those podcasts I think it's 278 and 279 alright so James Inman was the first one and the part two was mishka never saw it coming and uh arguably two of the best podcasts we've ever done a lot of trickery and skullduggery went into that work and i think it played out perfectly i still have uh that was back in my drinking days, Greg Chaley. It's just me and Greg Chaley here on the podcast today, which is plenty.

Plenty of people to deal with for me. Yeah. I stopped last week after I got shit-faced at the comedy store with the Bretchells. So you're sober Octobering as well? Cold turkey. Not that big for me. Yeah. I mean, I wasn't drinking.

You do this anyway. I was drinking. You just do sober Chaley days. It's tough to do, man. It's just the way it goes. You got shit-tanked? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. At the comedy store with the Bret uh the bretchels and tracy and i we we did the haunted house uh thing last week and a universal and not scary farm and reign of terror and thousand oaks our buddy out there that fucking thing is amazing if you don't recall chaley's a haunted house uh enthusiast a. He's in the industry with Ghost Ride Productions. They make Haunted House shit, and Chaley does his own Haunted House right here in Bisbee, Arizona. That's part of what's working by not drinking.

I can get up in the morning and start working on stuff. Yeah, we'll get to that. I just want to go back to, because I still have, from my drinking days back in the Inman and working on stuff. Yeah, we'll get to that. I just want to go back to, because I still have, from my drinking days back in the Inman and Mishka podcast era, I still have marks, my fingernails. I went out today

and had to buy new nail polish and nail polish remover because I wasn't against the nail polish so much that I woke up with. It was the colors, the color scheme. It's like a coral or something. It's gross.

Can you hold them up there? Yeah. Oh, look at that. Well, we all woke up with these. One of the days of the many days. Mine are fine. Well, you are a responsible person. I do a French manicure.

Well, yeah, we all woke up with these, and Chad came over. He's he's like yeah i went home and uh i guess someone had done his hair and in like a man bun and so he got home after just sleeping off as much as he could the alcohol and he's got those new grandkids at his house and he walks in and his hair has been either i think i don't do you know what french braided and his nails are done and the kids are all asking him a lot of questions and so he came back he goes he goes i don't remember this everyone puts their hands up we all have our nails painted weird colors and uh he goes oh great i feel like i'm in a gang and that gang is spelled g-a-y-n-g

but uh yeah there's a there's a lot of uh a lot of sleeper memories now that i'm sober i can look back and laugh but i realized uh yeah those two podcasts over that many days, I was a little out of control. The best one, the best memory is Inman was still here. It was the last night he was here, and he had just been shouting for Adderall, like, where's my Adderall? Like the old Bugs Bunny cartoon, where's my Hossenpfeffer?

Cook, bring me Hoss and pfeffer. You remember that one? I don't remember that one. Yeah. So he's just demanding Adderall from everyone. James, I don't know how to tell you that there is no more Adderall here. We gave you a couple when you were on the podcast, and that was it. No, bullshit.

You can get Adderall. Come on. You're Doug Stanhope. James, I'd give you Adderall just to shut you up. I don't know why you just keep hounding. If I don't get Adderall, I'm going to bed. And then he starts to march halfway to the little house and then turns around. I'm really going to do it.

No one's going to fight you to keep you awake and then turns around. I'm really going to do it. No one's going to fight you to keep you awake. So he did. He went and laid down finally. No, he didn't. Well, at one point he was asleep in there. And now I'm up on the patio,

but I see people coming in and out of the little house to use the bathroom. And I go, hey, and I see Becker coming out and i go becker come up here and he he goes what i go just tell people in the in the fun house to use the bathroom in the main house because inman's asleep in the little house and i we don't want to wake the sleeping

monster and becker turns ashen and sprints away from me becker had gone into the little house which is pitch dark except for the bathroom at the other end he went in the little house and told becky she could take a nap in there in a pitch black she put him into bed with a sleep put his wife into bed with a sleeping in and go, tell people not to use that. Inman's sleeping in there. What? Ah! Came racing out with Becky like he pulled her out of a burning house. Fucking Gump almost murdered

himself. What? I know the Fucking Gump almost murdered himself. What? What do you... I know the suicide thing, but... Oh, no, no, no. Accidentally. Like, he was so drunk, he... That's manslaughter, right? He came out of either the pink room or the bathroom

and took a spill. Like, I've moved all of the furniture out because those are the rooms that are being remodeled on that side of the house so i pulled all the shit out so there's a tv running perpendicular on a stand to where he fell he's trying to get someone's trying to get him onto the couch and he has to get around this he spilled went right into the corner of his tv with his lip fell over sideways with the tv coming down but he landed on the couch with the flat screen on top of him unscathed like he's like he's kissing the screen yeah that was me it was oh that was you he was coming out to get a snot rag to blow his nose and he just made like a he

started in the right direction and then just stumbled around. Serpentine. Serpentine over to the couch, grabbed the TV, and then just fell over with it. But he held on to it. And he woke up the next day with the cut lip. Had no idea how he got it until Tracy filled him in. That's what happened. We were talking. You and I were talking, Doug. And he didn't know how he had cut his lip.

And I said, yeah, Gump fell with the TV. And he looked up from his phone and goes, oh, that's how I got this. And he had like a bump on his face. He was fucking with Inman really hard. Because Inman was just the entire party. Inman's just one after another, stumbling up with his hands in his pockets. Who's going to add a roll? You guys going to add a roll?

And Gump's going, I'll get mine off Amazon. Really? How do you get it off Amazon? Just order off. I always get my adderall off Amazon. It's so believable. You guys were up here, and I was down at the house, and I just was not into it.

And I just started a movie a lot of horror movies on right now getting into it 11 o'clock there's a fucking knock at my front door i go first of all everyone just walks by and goes up to here where everything's happening up here it's fucking inman asking me for adderall that's what i'm saying he didn't stay down long because he got got up and then he was asking me and now we're arguing That's what I'm saying. He didn't stay down long because he got up and then he was asking me. And now we're arguing on my front porch like a scene from Cops, right?

And I'm going, there's no Adderall, James. I don't know what you want from me. I go, why don't you get a prescription? He goes, I could get it if I wanted. I'm like, then you do it and then I'll go knock on your fucking door.

All right? Because I don't know what you're bothering me for. And I had made bets with people while he was here for the course of days he was here i go i guarantee you he will not say thank you for this whole thing we flew him out first class pay for all his shit he'll never say thank you and on the that morning after he was knocking at your door he had a 6 a.m. pickup. Kenny had to drive him to the airport. And on the way to the airport, I woke up to a series of text messages from Inman that morning where I go, oh, five messages from James Inman.

I guess I'm wrong. He said, thank you. No. He complained repeatedly text after text about the lack of Adderall in this town. And this is bullshit. And I fucking hate you. And fuck this. Next time I come, I'm bringing my own Adderall.

So fuck you. Because we're dicks. Yeah. Because we couldn't. I'm bringing my own Adderall. We didn't handle every detail. Yeah. Didn't read the rider.

You know, it was one of those things where we left right away after that weekend. And then we went out to Hollywood. And he was contacting me about, like, the link was wrong that I had on the podcast that went up and all this. So I didn't take a computer with me or anything. I didn't take an iPad because I just didn't want to do anything. I just want to go out and have fun out in LA. And I'm like, James, I can't, I can't, I can't change any of these links right now. I don't have any of my passwords. I don't even have a computer. And he was really nice. And I thought, well, this is really weird because I'm not used to that from him. He's like,

thanks a lot, man. You guys really – it was really cool. You guys putting the links up and everything like that. But if you could just put this one up instead. I'm like, is this – what have you done with James Inman? Well, I did – after he sent me all those text messages, I just let it sit for a day or two. And then at one point I just texted him as though i had not gotten any of those text messages i just i gave him a glowing thank you yeah hey james i just wanted to say thanks for coming out here and doing a great podcast it's great to have you and uh blah blah blah just a glowing thank you

to him yeah and he's like oh a few hours oh, I don't know if you got my email. I sent you an email. He's wrote up this whole, you know, vomitous thank you back. Be careful what you wish for, Doug. Yeah, well, I was baiting him to say thank you. I'll say it first then. But the one time where it was really awkward was when the neighbor we have a neighbor uh mr complaints mr complains a lot he doesn't complain to the police he complains

to us and i think he does it because he wants to drink our beer i think he's a secret drinker and he's fooling no one he's so he he's he's kin to an old neighbor that we like and he's you know kin that's lived here for a few years uh and so yeah i think he thinks he's fooling his dad that he doesn't drink but he's absolutely a fucking roomy eyed rummy, and he comes over. Yeah, the flashing lights, they bother my father. Do you think you could take those down? Is that a beer? To be fair, the minute he's asked for us to do anything, I have either contacted Gump or I've done it myself.

Very important to keep good neighbors. It's totally important, and you're you are respectful of that but uh yeah the beer thing i didn't know that that was going on so uh well he came over during one of these parties and yeah the the noise it wasn't music or anything but a lot of people talking on a quiet street and so he came over and i was in here in the fun house but people out there i guess he went out and he picked up Becky's beer and just started drinking it. And she's like,

no, give me that. And he's like, uh, I was looking for Doug. And so they came and got me doing a Spalding. So yeah, pretty much.

He's just the, the, when he, especially when he's, I don't know what he's on or hammered. He just seems hammered to me. Uh, but with the, you know, the, the cakey white stuff in the corner of the mouth and the bleeding eyes.

He's probably, what, 45, but a rough 40, I'm guessing. What do you mean by bleeding eyes? Like the wet, like bloodshot, but like it's actually about to leak out. Yeah, that kind of bleeding eyes all right uh and he's just i know i probably i probably complain a lot but yeah it's kind of loud like i have to ask him at first all right are you upset i'm here having one of your beers. I'm like, no, is there a problem with the noise? He goes, it's a little loud. He's very passive aggressive and very awkward.

And this is not the first time we've dealt with him. But so I'm trying to talk to him and he's like, I'm complaining, but I'm not complaining. And then he's trying to tell me, yeah, well, you don't have to work anymore. I do. I have to get up in the morning. At one point, I said, I'm retired,

flippantly, like jokingly. And then he keeps bringing it up. Well, you're retired because you don't have to work, but I'm just trying to get on my feet and some of us have to get up. I saw some of your comedy. I don't get it. I don't think it's funny but i like what who asked you all right we'll fucking turn the down so as i'm talking to him and he thinks that yeah everyone probably is here hates me because i complain no one's even

listening to you and that's when inman comes up and starts barking for adderall and i'm like oh my god he's barking i go inman this is my neighbor can i can you just please leave me alone give me a minute he goes why why is he a cop or something and then so then the neighbor guys he's all fucking he's as bad as inman going oh okay i guess everyone's gonna make fun of me now i go no we're making fun of him and like i'm like i'm between two inmans now like between two ferns it's like dueling banjos yeah and they both think i'm fucking with them like no just good god right we had like we had officer bob friendly here one of the nights and i'll call him the judge, because for his position, he might as well be a judge. He's in a position like that.

These are respectable people. We walk both sides of the fucking railroad tracks here, all right? Derek is here. Derek is shit-faced, which he has been since him and Bree have fallen apart as a couple. And he starts crying at Officer Bob Friendly, who's fielded a lot of calls over there in the past for domestics. Really crying? Yeah, he came over and started crying to Officer Bob Friendly

for all the times that Bob Friendly was called to the house and why it was never his fault. And like, this is 730 at night. It's basically a cocktail mixer with the fucking upper crust of the people that you want to be on the i mean it's fun to watch chad shank you're talking to the fucking cop in uniform and the judge yeah it's all going swimmingly and then derrick comes in tears are falling down fuck i give kenny the high sign kenny's gonna physically remove derek from the building.

Sorry about that. Can I get you a coffee or a cocktail, your honor? Kenny's the bouncer? Yeah, he was staying up there while she was out of town, so they only had to walk him a couple of blocks

to get him in a safe crying zone. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. God, all right. Let's take a break. I don't know i have notes here from some of the shit but uh yeah as time has gone on oh yeah well i did that this is what i after with the neighbor uh i did uh the next day I sent him a box of Omaha Steaks and I go like what sponsor do we have that we could send him some

nothing that we have right now I'm not going to send him a dollar shave club or something that doesn't end so I sent him Omaha Steaks and right after I ordered a box of Omaha Steaks to him and his dad, I get a text message.

It's just like the most backhanded but insulting text messages from him because we swapped numbers. Oh, that's right. Yeah, we swapped numbers when he came to complain. And the next day, right as I order a box of Omaha Steaks with a note, sorry for the noise. You've been great neighbors for a lot of years, blah, blah, blah. You know, something, smiley face.

And he calls me, and I said. Like right away? Yeah, because we had swapped numbers the night before he called. I have the next day that he called. Yeah. It's the next day, the next evening. And I said, hey, I'm watching football. I'm watching baseball in the fun house all by myself.

So I know this can't be a noise complaint. And he said, all right, who is this? He goes, Doug Stanhope, your neighbor. And he goes doug stanhope your neighbor and he goes oh oh okay i'll put this number in my phone and then later on i get text messages like kind of telling me what a shitty neighbor i am you should meet bruce and you should meet i like you're acting like i don't know my neighbors you should you can hire people to weed whack, but I go out and I do that myself. Because I pay someone to weed whack around the neighborhood,

I'm not as good a neighbor as he is because he does it himself. He doesn't think that you strap on a weed whack. He's got a fucking huge issue because he's, you know, whatever. Rehab didn't pay as well as he thought it would, but they get their Omaha stakes. And that's why I am the third best philanthropist in Bisbee.

According to the Bisbee review and Sierra Vista, Harold Doug Stanhope is the third best philanthropist in Bisbee. I'll be right back with tales of going to the doctor during sober October to try to find out how to be sober for a month without dying. Please hold mocktails. Oh, shit, Chaley. Did you see The Bonfire, Big Jay Oakerson and Dan Soder? You just saw Dan Soder live up in Tucson.

Out in Tucson. He's great. Yeah. Tall guy. Tall guy. You don't say that. I'm going to be brief with this. You say very funny.

You don't say tall guy. Oh, he's great. Hey, he was great. Hey, you saw this. All right. Big Jay and Dan Soder, the tall guy. They did like three years. They had a SiriusXM Comedy Central radio show.

And now they're putting, and I want to steal this idea. They're releasing their favorite clips for their very own Comedy Central podcast. We should do best of if we ever start. All right, let's steal their idea off the air. They figured, hey, it's our show. If it's going to be bootlegged, we might as well make it official. So download the best of the bonfire wherever you find your podcast, Apple podcast, or I don't know.

I don't find podcasts. You do. And then you send me a link. They got Nick Foles and Michael Shea, Neil Brennan, Andrew Dice Clay on. So the best of it's called The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Dan Soder. I'm assuming all my listeners, they probably learned about me from Big Jay Oakerson and Dan Soder. So I'm probably telling you nothing. But if you don't know, don't

look like an idiot in front of your friends. Come join Big Jay and Dan as they let you into the life of two stand-up comics with dad issues. Actually a whole crew with dad issues, if I remember right. It's the best of the bonfire. Crackle, crackle. Jaylee, I am still waiting for my priceless pillow.

My priceless pillow completes the nest. I don't think I've mentioned the nest yet on this podcast, but you'll hear about it later. I've built the nest, and it's what kept Sober October going, is the nest. And the missing article is priceless pillows, priceless pillows. I don't have it yet,

but I've felt them. I've touched him. I've made love at it with my hands. Have you ever been to a luxury hotel and slept on a pillow that was so snugly, cuddly, squeezably soft, and so amazingly comfortable that you never wanted

to get out of bed, that you left a few 20s on the nightstand for it when you skipped out. That one pillow gave you the ultimate neck support and the reach around with no sagging. It was so smooth and comfy that you got your best night's sleep. We've stolen some of those pillows out of hotels. They notice and they charge you. I checked my credit sleep we've stolen some of those pillows out of hotels they notice and they charge you i checked my credit go well that's an awkward charge from that oh shit and then we stole the pillow again overcharged they're just charging you for the regular pillow yeah i go that's not a regular like a room service amount of money that's an even number and we usually leave one behind not that we're fooling

anyone we just don't want to travel with so many pillows yeah you know don't steal them from that luxury hotel get them from priceless pillow that's where half of these things come from anyway priceless pillow is the mastery of the world's top pillow engineers pillow designers pillow craftsmen pillow biters and pillow material experts have you ever been on a plane and ask someone what they do and they go oh i'm a top pillow engineer i have not either but it is the most i guess you'd make something up because if you said that it would lead to too many un unwanted questions like a phone like a foam engineer you wouldn't say a pillow. Do you like down or foam? Here we go.

Just say I sell Amway. Always feathers. It can't be tinsel? Something eco-friendly and sustainable? Oh, this is tinsel. I pre-read it. Wow. You know so much about priceless pillows. Now after some of these other reads, I think you're hoard much about priceless pillows now after some of these other reads i think you're hoarding the priceless pillows and all right it's softer smoother more cuddly

than cotton and other fabrics it's hypoallergenic because i have allergies are those pillows the ones in the store but they make me sneeze and i get snotty and my sinuses. Well, don't worry. They're hypoallergenic. Wix water better than cotton. That's for you. Hey, booze shakes and booze sweats in sober October. This will suck up a whole gallon of what your head is leaking as you stave off the pink elephants in that jug with the three X's in your dreams. More durable than cotton for easy machine washing and drying. Inner layer of super fine virgin gel fibers. They mimic down without the negative properties of down, like pulling that little chicken baby. Oh, yeah.

Inner layer super fine virgin gel fibers. How can that not sound like a pre-read you know what i'm gonna say inner layer super fine virgin gel fibers and i'm gonna make it sound natural like that's just what i say in any way hey can i uh can i get one more cocktail and do you have any of those pillows with the uh thelayer Supervine virgin gel fibers or peanuts or something? Maybe you should just talk about how it mimics down without the negative properties of down. The negative properties of down, which we've all been there, is the downside of down. It continuously holds their soft, fluffy shape and automatically adjusts to your head and neck, regardless of sleep position.

Even if you sleep like one of those 80s rappers who could spin on the cardboard on the top of his head, those break-in guys? Yeah, yeah. The B-Boys? Electric Boogaloo. Yeah, you could electric Boogaloo all over a priceless pillow, and it's still going to hold its shape.

It's still going to hold its shape. It will not clump. I have a tramp stamp now that says will not clump right around my spine. Oh God, I need this sponsor. So to complete your nest, log on to pricelesspillow.com and use the promo code Stanhope for 30% off your purchase. 30% off your purchase. 30%! And then when you've completed your nest with as many old dirty comforters

and your priceless pillows, tweet me, send me pictures of your priceless pillows nest. Yeah, do that. Hashtag priceless pillows. There you go. See, I did that. I came up with that for you, priceless pillows. pillows. There you go. See, I did that.

I came up with that for you, priceless pillows. I went to Big Lots right after sushi, and sushi always makes me have to poop. And I had to poop, so I was skipping a lot of the rows. And we're back.

Alright, I'll get back to Best Buy and pooping. Pooping. Before you start, I want to just tell you this. Someone named Todd sent us a picture. I guess it's from a family market in China. But you remember how you used to talk about, I think you were in the UK? You were out of mixers, so you used yogurt and vodka.

Yeah, that was Scandinavia, Norway or Sweden or something. That was what was inside the hospitality bar inside the thing. Well, they actually have – there's a picture here. Rio Light, 3% alcohol by volume, yogurt drink plus vodka it's a it's in a can yeah i uh i i remember the bit was i think it was in copenhagen was the bit whatever the bit was like that's the only mixture you have is yogurt you stole from the fucking breakfast continental breakfast whatever the bit was it was a bit i mean that wasn't the point of the story yeah that was it was a little bit of color in the setup to another bit and uh of course i did it and then i think uh where was i playing

we were playing in canada one of those awful places in canada one of the many failed venues in toronto i think anyway someone went out and bought yogurt after the show and made me vodka and blueberry yogurt. I think it was blueberry because I was thinking that and then you said it. I think Lumpy Sullivan was there. He might have even been the one that bought it for me, but I had to drink it because

I did the bit and it was really good. Vodka and yogurt. It's sugar. It's not to like thanks Todd for sending that all right here's uh it's day uh I didn't do day one of uh sober October October 1st I was still in Hawaii this is how this is our first update today is the 9th of October this uh will come out on the 10th you You'll be listening to this on the Wednesday. It's Tuesday for us. We show no signs of breaking, but I did miss the first day.

This is how Sober October went for me. First, I went to Hawaii, which we were going anyway to see her parents and her sister were over there. And I go, all right, that leads right up to the first day of Sober October. It'll be a good wind down for five days. I'll be drinking, of course. I'm with her fucking parents and her sister. I'm not going to play poo on your neighbor all night sober. It's a card game they play. Oh, really?

Yeah. Oh, I thought you were talking about the last segment. It's a lot of fun but yeah you still need maintenance drinking so i drank nominally just up until i could possibly sleep and then i'd sleep and it rained and i read books i read some great books insane by goddamn elisa roth i think is her name uh insane the criminalization of the mentally ill in america fucking fantastic book and what else did i read bingo oh i read uh uh uh la what's the fucking name of it it's the one johnny you just made the movie that they're not releasing i know God damn it.

Labyrinth. With a capital L-A. Labyrinth. Labyrinth. It's the investigation into Tupac and Biggie Smalls' murders and how they think the LAPD was complicit. Very good book.

Can't remember who wrote it. It's a good book? Yeah. I thought Labyrinth was a movie with David Bowie. Yeah, no. When you Google it, you're going to find all sorts of labyrinths. This one is put Labyrinth Tupac. You'll get it.

That's a good one. Okay, so that's what I did. And then I realized my flight out of Hawaii is not until the night of the 1st. So I'm not flying sober on the 1st. My sober October starts on the 2nd of October because of time zones. So this is how I've done. I've done fucking fantastically. I've had no problems except for the mania, the insomnia.

But if you don't fight it, I've gotten so much shit done. I stay awake for two days. Hold on. You are drinking maintenance drinks. Yes. Okay. This is why I went to the doctor. I told Rogan,

I'm going to the doctor and I'm going to see, like I've heard Ativan. I know you're going to send me a deluge of what I should be doing so I don't have seizures coming off. I counted how many drinks I drank on the three flights home from Hawaii.

I had to go from whatever that island is. Kauai to Honolulu. To Honolulu? Yeah. Then I get two and a half hour layover there. Then to LA, a three and a half hour layover to Tucson. So in that 12 hours, I drank 18 drinks. They were free.

And I was never really that drunk because it's, again, over 12 hours. You sleep a few hours on the plane, wake up, have a free cocktail, get off. You're in the Sky Club, free cocktails. All right, I could bang out three doubles in three hours. What was the layover in LA? Three and a half hours. Oh yeah, so just to maintain sanity. You don't want to sleep

in a Sky Club. I know, and that's normal drinking. Does that include any jello shots? Or whippets? Just normal drinking. It was never hammered. As opposed to where i probably have 15 drinks in a regular night without naps in between or flights sitting here at the funhouse for a football sunday i'm sure i drink 15 drinks and i'm shit-faced and i don't

remember the night game and that's a daily thing so to go from that to nothing i know that's dangerous and everyone has a oh take at aivan you can't just quit cold turkey or you know take xanax or don't take xanax or take this a pam or that a pam a pam yeah everyone has a fucking thing that's the generic ativan this a pan so i call i try to get my – we have a little clinic just two blocks down, a little corner clinic that we go to for all of our medical care. And we've gotten less than impressive diagnoses. I had one, that old colonel guy, he's a retired Vietnam colonel. And he – that's when i thought i had a torn

rotator cuff it was just a shoulder that hurt for about six months and it went away but he goes yeah it's probably a rotator cuff i have tore both of mine 20 years ago i just live with it not much they could do yeah so now what's your problem he goes look look what are you complaining about you see these pro quarterbacks they tear a rotator cuff, sometimes it ends their career. And they have millions and millions of dollars and the best doctors in the world. What are they going to do for you?

That was the same guy that said, oh, yeah, that's definitely a hernia. Yeah. Yeah, I have two hernias. I've lived with them for 20 years. All of a sudden you're comparing scars to Quint on the boat. Yeah. So I call the only, we have a really good, she's not even a doctor. She's a RN or LPN.

She's the highest of the N's. She's the biggest N word. Nancy? And she's great. But I knew she'd probably be out of her league for this. So again, the ninth was the closest I could get for my sober October. So I've been doing maintenance drinking two drinks a day at night before I go to bed. And then 0.5 Xanax, small dose of Xanax every two days.

On the off days, chase it down with either Benadryl or over-the-counter sleepers, or not at all. Just fucking ride it out and let's clear out the crawlspace! I'm gonna alphabetize my pants! Sounds like there's raccoons up in the, uh, upstairs in the compound,

Tracy. Maybe I'll go take a look. It's Doug and Gump, and everything from the crawlspace is out it's like it's 8 a.m gump gump just walked in gump we were telling him about how uh you were fucking with inman saying you got your adderall on amazon i don't know if you had anything to add to that but that's about it uh yeah, well, he did the heavy work clearing out the crawl space, but then we had to go through an entire crawl space worth of shit and seven runs to the thrift store and probably more to the dump.

I see there's stuff for the dump in the back of that truck now. But, yeah, we get shit done. We fucking all of the back of the funhouse the bar found stuff stuff we didn't i found i found a a thing of uh gummy rings peach rings gummy peach rings and i had all the other candy and i put now you know i put out little dishes of candy you need to like you wicked fan sweet tooth You are a fan of the gummy. Wicked fan. You get a sweet tooth, and that's one of the things. Chocolate-covered gummy bears, those are the best.

Muddy bears. Muddy bears. But that is one thing, is that you are a fan of the gummy. I just want to make that clear. Well, and for football, I'll set out little dishes, like some goldfish and peanuts and some candies and this and that, and malted milk balls or raisins, whatever I have. And there was like six or seven, eight gummy rings.

So I put them out in a little dish, the perfect amount, the three that didn't fit, I ate those. Because it's a little tiny bag anyway. Who sells gummy rings at fucking eight rings to a package oh the weed store does there goes my sober october i just ate three gummy i ate three of them and i didn't even know till later on because i i found some of the the little licorice balls that come in the bridge mix and no one eats the black licorice out of a bridge mix so i was filling the eye of the gummy rings with a black little it looked really cool it

looked like a sunflower the little black hole sun in the middle and i was i was fucking manic and i'm not drinking so i'm playing with candy to make it more appetizing and it was hours later a couple hours later that uh fucking valenzuela there comes in and she goes oh you can't you can't put those out those are weed i bought those for tracy i hate three of those things she goes how do you feel i go i've been smiling for half an hour i couldn't figure out why but yeah that's the first time I've done any kind of weed that did not affect me negatively. So I told her, yeah, next time you come down, bring me more of those weed rings. I remember seeing the packaging, too, because I didn't see it until you told me what had happened. But the packaging is like it's all Rastafarian.

It's like jamming rings or something. With a clear hole in the cellophane where you see gummy peach rings. Who reads the fucking wrapper on gummy? You see gummy fucking peach rings and they're very apparent what they are. If you read a real package, it's not weed. It'll say like fat free on it. Like it's a nutritional thing so you don't read that i didn't read till afterwards how many milligrams of gummy oh uh 10 milligram gummies

i still wouldn't have put it together i'm not a weed guy i wouldn't fucking recognize that i recognize what i see in front of me all right quick break and let's make it as quick as possible my bookie i took it in the shorts hard this week uh so did kenny i had the denver by the i think it was a pick'em by kickoff i got it denver minus two at the jets the jets suck shit there's no way it shouldn't have happened it shouldn't have happened but the you know what? With my bookie, I can get it back. I can always get it back. That's right. Mybookie.ag.

You want to have fun watching football? You have to have money on the game. It's not fun. Those weak-ass flags for roughing the passer because he gave him a stern look. Well, yeah, that matters. You can't just be outraged if you have money on the game sure it's a shitty call but it's a shitty call that went your way and my bookie has your money waiting when you win so my pick of the week this week is uh i'm gonna get back in there junior i

i gotta system you're gonna believe me packers minus nine and a half Monday night at home against San Francisco Packers are gonna put it back together and they are gonna mop up San Francisco at home Monday night football weather people hey don't forget Doug you can also bet on playoff baseball hockey primetime fights it is not just uh it's not just football that That's where, listen, there's sports where you can't watch the sport unless you have money on the game. Baseball, oh, my God, it's drudgery. MyBookie.ag makes it come alive with money spilling in or out of your pants. Hey, did you hit one of those parlays? Did you do one with me?

I have not. I'm going to start promoting my parlays. I have not done my wagering service just by doing a lock of the week. That's boring. I'm going to give you some of my all good dogs go to heaven money line parlays. And I'll tell you, you can bet like $1 on three, four, five underdogs on the money line in a parlay. for five underdogs on the money line in a parlay, and a dollar bet can pay like $350, or if you're going real long shots, way more.

And that's not one game. You're like the whole weekend. You're like, oh, I'm up three. Oh, yeah, you have a handful of dollars. You just spent six bucks. You have six different underdog parlays. Okay, who's winning on that screen? Tell me, who's winning on that screen? You're the most annoying guy at Buffalo Wild buffalo wild wings that's why there's five screens

in here log on to my bookie right now and double up your money use promo code stanhope and you'll get your first deposit matched 100 that's promo code stanhope my bookie.ag you play you win you get paid i have still not watched uh shank but everyone's saying it's fucking hilarious to chad shank is doing the twitch twitch.tv twitch.tv slash hd fatty this is how you can go to explain twitch to him quickly. You get to watch Chad because he's got a camera on him and a headset and a microphone. And he's talking as he's playing. So you're watching a heads up. You're watching his screen. And you can play video games with him against him.

I haven't done that. I actually I subscribed because I got to listen to him. Prisoner Mike and Jason Fury were telling him how to get through this game. And Chad kept dying. It was really funny because Chad him how to get through this game, and Chad kept dying. It was really funny. Because Chad's just drinking beers and playing this game, and he's trying to get through it, and people are commenting. He says he's having a fucking blast with it.

Occasionally he'll respond to a tweet or a Facebook message, but he's actually engaging with fans. No, but you get on there and you can message to everyone that's watching. So even if you're not talking, they're watching what's coming up on the thing. All right, here. Chad couldn't be here, but he sent me. He says, you guys can find all the info on how to subscribe in his pinned tweet at HDFatty and on his Twitch channel, which is twitch.tv slash HD underscore Fatty, F-A-T-T-Y.

And here's the thing. If you have Amazon Prime, you get to sign up for free for your first month. So go on. It doesn't cost you a dime. If you don't have anything to do with video games, still go on. Go to Amazon Prime and subscribe through amazon prime because that way hd fatty gets paid and then you just don't re-up yeah there you go and so it doesn't cost you a dime to support the podcast and support uh chad you just you get riled up because you give him shit because they're reading even if

you don't like uh even if you only just hate amazon so go to amazon prime and again subscribe to this and then don't re-up it uh there's more beats here but i'm gonna wait till chad is back chad had some shit to do last minute so i'm gonna going to wait until he's back on the podcast. But yeah, it's helping him out immensely that you're doing this. So we appreciate this more than anything. Please do that for us. And let's get back to whatever the fuck I was talking about. Son of a bitch. Get me a drink.

Well, in a few weeks. And then you got some good sleep out of it. Yeah, yeah. I've had a couple nights where I got really good sleep. Last night I got nine hours and I went fucking ballistic today. I went into the big city. It's the first time I've driven in a long time. Shit, that's right.

Yeah, I used to not be able to drive or not trust myself enough to drive because I'd get the fucking booze shakes. Just going over a small bridge, I'd fucking tremble. We were going over the Mississippi River when you freaked out and you were driving. I actually emailed Dr. Drew shortly after that. He said, go see your doctor, which is what I did. Today, nine days in, day nine of So sober October if you go by by October's days and I went down knowing that this is probably not gonna go anywhere but I told uh I said listen

I'm doing this sober October and I don't know if you're aware or if we talked about it but I drink far too much to just stop drinking cold turkey. It's dangerous, as you know. I've been maintenance drinking. You told her about the Xanax and two drinks a night until I saw you, but I know people have said Ativan and other people say this and that, and she goes immediately, you know. No, it's not her.

She said, well, the thing is, first of all, you shouldn't have Xanax and alcohol are very dangerous together. Oh, my God. No, don't. And then there's places you can go that Ativan is one of the things but we don't see she was weird because she said that she they don't do that they'll send me to a place that handles that kind of thing they won't prescribe that because it's not that kind of facility but at one point she said she would prescribe me some for the rest of the month and then and then she goes well well, there's places you can go for, like, you should be in, not in-house, but what do you, inpatient facility where they can watch you to make sure. All right, no.

And then she's going. Yeah. I go, well, I'm already, it's already eight days in where it can't be more than a couple of weeks where you're out of that danger zone. Well, you still have some alcohol that you're taking and you might have, you know, like if I just kept drinking two drinks a night and then stopped doing that, I'd fucking have a seizure from not having my two drinks a night. And your pee tanks. then stop doing that i'd fucking have a seizure from not having my two drinks a night and you could hear the gears in her head grinding as she's and then she goes to no uh it's not just two weeks it could be maybe a year people spend a lifetime battling this i go all right you're you're talking aa things that you overheard oh no yeah it's a lifelong disease addiction I know it's

a month it's sober October is what I'm doing here do you see this she went to get the other lady she goes let me get the other lady that deals with it's her another end she's like the life coach yeah she works with the It's her... Is she another N?

She's like the life coach. Yeah, she works with the social work kind of things. First they came in and they gave me this form to fill out, and it said controlled substance abuse something waiver, and I'm like, I'm not signing this, and I go to leave. Where are you going? I going i go i'm not signing this i don't want this shit on my permanent record what this is okay you promised to fucking you know it's just saying okay i'm a junkie and i promise i won't use any of your medicines the wrong way and we can share your records with anyone. I just read a few of these, and I go, sounds like bullshit to me. So she goes, well, can I tell Tony you're leaving?

I go, I'll wait to see her, but I'm not. It's obvious you have nothing. She's going to get her manager to be a closer? Well, Tony comes back, and the lady comes back and says, Tony said this is the one you filled out last year. It comes back and she, no, the lady comes back and says, uh, he said, this is, uh, the one you filled out last year.

We just have to do it every year. And I go, Oh, is that the one I need for my Xanax? She goes, yeah. I go, all right,

nevermind. Sorry. I didn't know I had to fill that out for Xanax, but I thought it was based on, yeah, I just told you that I fucking drink 15 drinks a night. And now I'm telling you how I have to be weaned off of that. No, I don't need to go to AA.

This is detox. This is not. So then she sends in the social worker gal that Tracy goes to. And she. Tracy, is this the one... Hold on a second. Is this the gal that you come back and go, man, I got to change places because of her?

No, she's the one. My nurse practitioner is... And after he sees me, she sends him in to talk to me about my situation. So she's the life coach of the place. And she's sweet. They're both really sweet. But you know, they both start going towards AA and rehab scenarios.

Like, don't need rehab. So you're saying you have no symptoms of withdrawal? I go, no, not at all. Except for happy mania. I'm getting a lot of shit done. I've never felt healthier. I know what people tell me. And I say, I even dropped your name, Dr. Drew. I said, even Dr. Drew said, okay, with as much as you drink,

you really should see a doctor. So I'm just doing that due diligence to say that I attempted to see a doctor. And I understand if you can't help me, I'm not going to an inpatient facility. She goes, I'm sorry that we don't have what you wanted like i can't just give you out of van i go i i have friends that have out of van i don't need that i just thought i could get out i'd call james inman yeah no shit out of hand yeah i don't i just wanted to i've been here in five minutes i wanted to show up and say i did what you told me to do and they they wanted to send me to a fucking, have you, here's a list of people you can reach out to when you decide it's time.

If you decide it's time, like I'm in denial. Or like you were on the edge of a 10-story building ready to jump. You go, I'll just try the clinic one last time and see if I can get that out of that. Otherwise, I'm just coming right back to the top here and jumping. But this is the thing where you're... It's their training. I understand that they don't live this life. They're trained to...

Oh, yeah. I said the only thing I go, I have this, you know, I feel fantastic physically. I've never felt better. I have this mania where i i just i you know i i'm up for a day and a half or two days but i i get a lot of shit done she said have you been diagnosed with mental illness at all and i go no she goes i'm curious why you'd use that word mania. I go, well, insomnia and extra energy, that's mania.

Well, it's just strange you'd use that word. I guess it's strange you have a patient with a vocabulary. I get word of the day on my podcast. I'm sorry. my podcast i'm sorry i felt really bad for him but i did the right thing by not sitting them down and schooling them when they started to go into aa shit you know how desperately i wanted to break out the vault of material and factual evidence and just just the same way you want to you know berate a jehovah's witness that comes to your door with science and fact but you got stuff to do yeah i just i can't i gotta i gotta this you won't even were you holding out under the fact that maybe they just had to go

through this before they gave you a script for adamant maybe there's like she was new to the area and uh so i talked to her on the way out when i was waiting to sign papers and so are you you said you're new here to the clinic and moving down the street and small talk and then officer bob friendly's wife works there she comes in hey how you doing hey how you doing so i bet i bet she's filling in the new girl on what the fuck is going on. Yeah, that's Doug Stanhope. He doesn't have a problem. He turned that problem into a career.

You're working at the corner. You have a problem. All right. So, yeah. What are your tips for sober October?ober what do you what are you doing differently health-wise what uh i wanted to ask because i don't think we've talked about it smoking have you what's what's the uh not a cigarette i had two that on the first before i left hawaii i had three full packs and i don't i'm not fucking throwing away three packs of

hawaii price cigarettes since you've been on the mainland, none. None. Not a thing. Well, there you go. Secondhand smoke at best. Can you put your mouth close to the microphone and take three deep breaths and blow out? All right. I'm surprised.

I'm a little snotty though before you left for hawaii there was a uh oh my god rattles happening that was the worst yeah it takes about three days off the smokes for that to mostly go away but uh not not even i had the three packs late in the afternoon before we left for the plane for the airport in Kauai. I smoked two of them and just threw them in my bag. So I have almost three packs of cigarettes sitting on the counter in there untouched. Always quit smoking with smokes right in front of your face. So you know you mean it. That was what you did last year.

Yeah. And there was someone else that said, but if you want to do something, just... in front of your face so you know you mean it that was what you did last year yeah and uh who there was someone else that said but if you want to do something just oh it was a bill burr it's like if you want to if you want something you do it maybe it's not bill burr sorry i know i was saying that you know yeah if you had a cigarette that doesn't mean you you oh yeah yeah all these fucking sober october listen i've been tweeting here and again, but I'm not reading your replies. Because when I try to, it's three people before some fucking wiener. Oh, is it really sober if you're taking Xanax?

Yeah, if it stops me from dying. Yeah. When you get pulled over for a fucking drinking and driving. Hey, you were weaving in between lanes, but you're not drunk. They make you take a breathalyzer and you blow legal do you go but it doesn't really count because i i had an adderall earlier so i'm not really sober officer yeah i'm fucking sober i have two drinks to fucking stop from having this uh an aneurysm and uh and a xanax yeah that's sober there's no party there it's not teetotaler

october it's not mormon monday i can have caffeine you fuck so that's why i don't read your fucking tweets because that that's a trigger for me yeah some shithead who i want to fight with that makes me want a cigarette and a cocktail and another cocktail and another cigarette. And six hours humped over a computer. Yeah. Just pecking away. Jabbing away like that fucking weighted woodpecker. Like the bird? Yeah.

The bird with the water in the ass. Wait. Dink. Are you having any caffeine at all? I don't anyway. I drink a lot of green tea. Yeah. Which has caffeine.

Wake up, have my smoothie with a lot of vegetables, beets and asparagus and spinach. And then I drink V8 juice. And then I'll drink – I don't drink nearly enough water. I should be. But I pound my fucking vitamins with water and then move on with my day. You drink water with your tea and the smoothie and stuff like that? You're still getting it. Hey, here's one that I just started doing in the

last three days is fucking mocktails. My usual cocktail, my go-to is vodka soda with a splash of grapefruit. So I'm just doing club soda, splash of grapefruit, and it's, yeah, as far as whatever that word is, my vocabulary's shot.

Mania? No, it's a placebo. Placebo. It's a as far as whatever that word is. My vocabulary's shot. Mania? No, it's a placebo. Placebo. It's a perfect placebo. And I can drink 10 of those just waiting to get hammered. Peripheral drinking. Think you could do 18?

Well, the thing is, that's water. Yeah, that's three cans of club soda. I built a nest. This is the best. This is what the key for me is staying the fuck away from people and people staying the fuck away from me. So I put because there's people been crashing here and everywhere. And Bingo's sister was here and she had that bedroom taken. Oh, I just want a fucking bed in front of a TV with cable.

So I moved the bed that I had pulled out of where we're remodeling. I put a bed in the middle of the fucking living room in the main house in front of the big TV, which otherwise, they only use the living room for dogs. The dogs stay in there. I put the bed right in front of the TV in there. I can lock both doors. No one comes in there. No dogs stay in there. I put the bed right in front of the TV in there. I can lock both doors. No one comes in there. No one lives in there.

Just me in front of the TV in a queen-size bed. I found two old comforters in the crawl space in one of those vacuum bags. I pulled those out, Febrezed them, and threw them in the dryer with some dryer sheets for about 10 minutes each. Get some of the stink and the dust out.

Fucking threw those on top of the Comforter that's already, it's three Comforters thick. Today at Big Lots, when I went fucking manic, I went crazy. When I was up here cleaning the Funhouse bar and just going through every bottle and throwing every, just, I went to the Big Lots. I spent $256 at Big Lots.

Did you buy the Big Lots? I bought fucking new nail polish. I bought cranberry juices. I bought fucking chips and snacks and another crock pot and a shaver and everything, including whatever the fuck I was just talking about. Oh, more blankets, more fuzzy blankets. I'm going to have that like nine. So I just sit in there with all my

cable shit i haven't tried netflix yet i don't know if it works but i have a bunch of shit on my dvr and i just sit in there so i'm either crazy working on dumb projects mindless projects if i had to think if i had to work on like writing a script try to think of a joke oh i'd be right into that pack of cigarettes but i have nothing to do but fucking stack pants or crawl into bed and stay there for 15 hours and watch horrible movies i thought it was weird that for the past week and a half you've been kind of bouncing around ichabod you've been bouncing around and you had those two mattresses like sitting up against the wall yeah and the one bedroom is there's nothing it's open to the outside and then the other one it just

wasn't convenient and uh you had you had everything you had it all there but it took like 10 days for you to realize why don't i just kick these two mattresses down yeah well there's a lot of shifting furniture i'm so goddamn lazy most of the time but then when i got energy i go hey just shift this couch around the fucking patio furniture i have in there for the dogs to sleep on because they ruin everything i'm talking about you you fucking monster yeah i get it all set up perfectly and uh so i get my i get a reading light like the bedrooms you couldn't read in those bedrooms there's no light for that. So yeah, everything.

I got my laptop. I got my reading light. I got my book. How to Change Your Mind. I'm just waiting to start that. It's about... The book you're reading. Yeah, hallucinogens and microdosing

and the history of hallucinogens and how, you you know for therapeutic reasons and i read the intro and i wanted to fucking trip so bad because it's been a long time since i've been a serious tripper of any kind and uh yeah just reading the intro you're going uh yeah i gotta fucking what's it called how to change your mind i I usually put any books you refer to in the show notes. And I know a lot of, I don't know if Kreischer, but that whole crew, the Sober October crew, I know a lot of people have talked about it. I think Walsh, I don't know if he, it's been mentioned a lot on Twitter.

I don't know if it's people asking about it or recommending it. So you can tell by the intro, it's going to be good. But I don't know if it's people asking about it or recommending it. So you can tell by the intro it's going to be good. But I don't know if I can do it here. I might have to go on holiday, walkabout. I'm going to get a fucking... I'll talk to you after. But I'm going to get a recorder. They don't make those mini tape recorders

like they used to. They have them, but the digital one. I'm going to find one at Best Buy. We've got them here from the road. That little one that I have from the road. Yeah, I might just start driving local, but I think he tried to record you and Bingo and Roseanne.

So we need to go through how to work it again because you fucked that up pretty well. Yeah, I need the simplest device. This is one button and you somehow, you said, alright, I'm going to start and you turned it off. If I could find a micro cassette recorder and micro cassettes that are working, I would go right back to that. It's perfect for me because I know how it works.

So you were asking about, well, I went to WikiHow on how to quit smoking. How to quit drinking alcohol. And I was curious if deciding to quit. This picture, this looks like you talking to your doctor. But that's the first thing is deciding to quit. Deciding to quit. That's like saying, how do you take stitches out of a wound first you have to decide that you want the stitches out as you're immediately step one makes you're a fucking punk this is a fucking uh you know what i'd rather

suffer the emails from idiots to get one guy that has some kind of good advice doug at doug stanhope.com if you've quit drinking like this or you've been through tell me the the dosages and what medications you used how often you did them because at the end of this i smiled like i was like i was i was pandering to a fucking retarded child with this social worker or whatever her name is. She was very nice. But at one point, I knew that I know more about what I'm doing than she will ever know about it. And I go, yeah, I think I'm just going to do the DIY. Thanks very much, though.

I'm sorry we let you down. You didn't. I just had to do this so I could say I did it before I did it myself anyway. Anyway, so what do you find after you decide to quit? Talk to the doctor and deciding to quit. And then there's the change your attitude about quitting. It doesn't say at a van anywhere. It just says keep a stiff upper lip.

Here's another really – Doug, this is a really important one. I know we're joking around and stuff right now, but this is really important. Try to pick some significant day to quit. It shows 9-11 on the alarm clock. Did you not notice that? No, I didn't. I saw Wednesday. I stopped reading after that.

September 11th. Get rid of all bottles and cans. But see, that goes against, you have a bar here, and you have cigarettes, three packs of cigarettes in there. And I think, I love that idea of like, if I can't walk into a bar and not drink when I've decided not to drink, then what the fuck you good is it? You're not a baby. No. And the same with the cigarettes. And that was very successful last time with the cigarettes, I remember.

What's this? Yeah, feel your feelings. Cry when you need to. Laugh when you can. Any crying yet? I don't think I've cried at all. I mean, a lot of times I cry without having any emotion just because I never change my contact lenses. So in the morning, a lot of times tears will just roll down my face and I'm not crying,

but it's just, I think it's like, you know, it's the same way your body will reject a foreign organ when you have a kidney transplant. Yeah, it's just tearing up. But yeah, I haven't. Well, Home Alone, we've talked about it. Home Alone will make you cry. But that's because it's a hangover. That's when your serotonin is spent on the night before and you feel shame.

And I haven't felt any of that shame. All right. That's a good sign. This is important. Number seven. Finally, on the wiki, how to do anything, how to quit drinking. Number seven, don't put yourself with people or in situations where you're likely to drink. For me, that meant don't hang around people that you have to be drunk to tolerate.

And I realize how many of those people are in my life. I can't listen to your fucking wall of sound. I don't want to hear this fucking bloviation fucking. Yeah, no. of sound i don't want to hear this fucking bloviation fucking yeah no if i haven't invited you don't come over if i haven't called you and asked you this is why people have to go to fucking rehab you can't just you know what i need to fucking just chill out for a while i'm going to take a month and just chill out i'm not really going to be around much. Well, he's talking about other people, not me. Yeah, I'm talking about you too.

You, are you a fucking person? Poke yourself in the chest. Is something thumping? That's a heartbeat. I don't want to be around it. It's annoying to me. Is that breath coming out? I don't like it.

When I'm alone, I don't fucking even think about cigarettes i don't think about alcohol i do think about uh how many more days of this to think about that it's not that simple but yeah and people go i yeah he's just doing some goofy sober october no i need to to do sober October so I can drive a car further than Safeway. So I can go more than 45 miles an hour without worrying if I'm going to get the booze shake so badly, I'm going to have to pull into the fucking breakdown lane. Yeah, so it's kind of necessary. But people will not fucking give you that kind of leeway. They'll just come over anyway he's doing

some goofy yeah sure you're gonna quit drinking you have to go to fucking rehab before someone takes you seriously you have to check into a long-term program sir um why don't you join us in group oh i'm not here for your rehab i'm here to get away from those fucking people that are in the fun house that don't take me seriously. Here, how much money do you need? I'm going to bring my nest from my house. I'm going to bring my 17 comforters. Do you have cable?

Do you have red zone in this facility? Hey, Malibu passageways. Do you have a room with red zone? Because I just want to watch football and be fucking left alone. We did do football Sunday, and I did come out. I did hang out at a small group. We don't do football parties anymore, but the core of the old days of fun football

when it didn't turn into just catering for fucking 12 hours. And I came out and hung out, and no one was really irritating. And I know that if I do get irritated or I feel like, ah, fuck, I'm going to just drink and smoke, I just go into my nest and curl up. The nest is right there. Yeah, take two fucking Benadryls and curl up in the nest and get a little snoozy, a little snuggly. Well, this was a two-parter on the WikiHow. If we go back to that, that was the end of part one.

Part two is understanding strategies for getting sober. Strategies. Yeah, stay the fuck away from people. This dovetails perfectly into what you were just talking about is not putting yourself into situations. And usually they're talking about don't be around liquor or don't be around a you know cigarettes who I associate cigarettes so heavily with work as far as writing creativity actually sitting down to you know put a set together I but I'm I'm retired I can

do that now look at what it says right here. Number one under part two, start by reducing your alcohol intake. I mean, you're kind of following this without knowing it. Okay, all right. Well, now that we're cherry picking, this is what you do with your astrology. It says you like to travel. Yeah, it's so true. You just look at the things

that apply to you. No one understands you, but you know you're right. That's another one here. Oh, this is eating. Oh, here it is. Have food before you drink. That's how to drink,

not how to quit drinking. Gonna be for both. Drink a lot quit drinking. Drink a lot of water? Drink a lot of water. Oh my god, this is telling you how to be a good drunk. Mocktails? Right? Don't try to explain quitting to people.

Don't try to explain quitting to people. You have to understand that what we're looking at on Wiki How to Do Anything, how to quit drinking alcohol. Anytime you're reading what should be medical information and it's illustrated with poorly drawn cartoons. Yeah, that's probably not a strong source for nose to the street advice it's kind of going along with what you've been talking about let's see uh don't try to explain okay we did that uh do goofus and gallant show up on this at

some point make changes to your routine. You talked earlier about being manic. Not manic. You said you had kind of a mania. I do agree that the sleeping and then having your own schedule I think is important. So you don't have to. I mean there's a luxury to that because what you – and to a lesser point me, having to be home and to be able to work what you and to a lesser point me having you know to be home and to

be able to work from home and stuff like that works because if i go to sleep and i only have a couple hours sleep i get up and then when i get tired again i fall back to sleep and i think that's one thing that yeah that's i at first i was trying to when okay i've been up for way too long i'm still awake but i'll like one time I took a Seroquel. I had gone to bed at 6 o'clock at night and woke up at, no, it was earlier. I'd slept for like three hours in the morning. I couldn't get to sleep till like 7 in the morning and woke up at 10.

And then I'm just doing projects till 6 at night. Hey, fuck this. I'm going to do my two maintenance cocktails and take a Seroquil and sleep for 16 hours because those will knock your dick in the dirt if you're tired already. But if you're not, I slept for four hours and then I was awake but too sluggish to do anything. So it's just miserable. I'm manic, but I've drugged myself. So I'm just sitting there in this pathetic curse

so now i just yeah if i'm manic let's keep going get more shit out of the crawl space let's tie my shoes together okay we got that one already um don't give up on yourself doug don't give up on yourself yeah are you reading it i'm reading it many people will find excuses like i've been drinking for so long it'll probably won't make any difference i've tried so many times i just can't do it quitting justifies itself all right so yeah don't give up. This is so fucking dumb. Don't let guilt consume you. You know what? If you drank properly during your drinking career, you forgot all the things that you should feel guilty about.

Not an issue. So it was a thing where you just didn't drink enough when you were drinking? Oh, my God. I see that in the faces of any celebrity or any person. That was back in my drinking days. It's like such a... It almost... If I was some elected official or about to get elected,

if this shit was about to come down on me publicly, I would keep drinking in the public eye sloppily until all that shit came out because then i could just go spend 90 days in a fucking rehab and just go hey you know what that was back in my drinking days as a different person back then you got that it's at that it's like playing that one car to get out of jail free car that you you go. Hey, you know, I did a lot of crazy shit back then when I was drinking, but I wish I could still be there. But all this shit came out publicly. I had to play the card.

Yeah, I had to turn in that chip. Utilizing coping strategies, blah, blah, blah. No, that's fucking, that's enough. Listen, how to quit drinking don't drink and uh to make it easier uh don't do things that make you want to drink more smoking that's a motherfucker because i know i'll start drinking again hopefully not to levels because they get to a place where like i was getting the booze shakes and that, and then, you know, I got to fucking,

I got to taper off. I got to settle down. And then you, like, go to check your email at one o'clock in the afternoon, and I'm trying to fucking type, and my hands are, like, all over fucking Michael J. Fox and the keyboard. I go, fuck it. I need four drinks just to fucking get the shakes to,

but then you're drinking. So, four more. Four more. And then, hey, baseball's on. Playoffs. And you never catch that good opportunity. But then someone provides it. Bert Kreischer, you're a savior to alcoholics everywhere.

Because I go, yeah, this is my moment. I have 30 days. I have my moment. I have 30 days. I have nothing to do with those 30 days. No obligations. No one I need to see. No place to be. And now I can drive a car again. My lungs don't hurl, gurgle

like a fucking Maxwell House coffee maker commercial. Percolator. Perc percolator and i feel good and the crawl space cleared out cleared out funhouse bar is fucking wiped down for the first time in three years pretty good john taffer was here he smiled our sales are up 10 after six weeks chip the manager is still fired. All right. Thank you guys for listening. That was after a week of a full week plus of sober October.

And I'll see you out there. Yeah, send me your recipes for how to avoid seizures during a detox and don't give me some shit. If you did it yourself, if you went through it, don't tell me what you looked up on the internet. I can do that. I have a lot of free time. Personal experience. Yeah.

Don't think I'll think that you're right, but yeah, email me. I'm not reading fucking tweets because it'll make me crazy. It'll make me want to punch you in the fucking head. And if you have questions for the podcast, anyone on the podcast, send it to StanHopePodcast at gmail.com. See you next week. Take it away.

Every day the same thing. Variety. I want something different. Fix me Hossenpfeffer right away. Hossenpfeffer? Yes, your gracious royal majesty. Hossenpfeffer coming right up. Yes, sir. Hossenpfeffer? What's Hossenpfeffer? Your most honorable, majestic majesty graciousness did you say yes continuously hold their soft fluffy shape and automatically adjust to your head and neck regardless of sleep position and these proprietary did you really need to send me proprietary

in a pillow fucking head? Come on. They will not clump. Guaranteed no beaks.