The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #281: Kristine Levine Finds Another Dead Body plus a SoberOctober Week 2 Update

Episode Date: October 17, 2018

Doug gets Kristine Levine to tell her brand new dead body story and our UK friend Hack Oddity takes a spin in the Champagne Room.Kristine Levine's new CD is “Hey Sailor” and available on Amazon.com - [https://amzn.to/2OsZvk5](https://amzn.to/2OsZvk5)Email your questions for the podcast to [e-mail] Oct. 14th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Kristine Levine (@kristinelevine), Hack Oddity, Mat Becker (@houdini357), Chad Shank (HDFatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored byCW Hemp – CHARLOTTE’S WEB HEMP EXTRACT – either in oils or capsules is a simple way to upgrade your day. CHARLOTTE’S WEB is offering a unique offer to our listeners. Go to [CWHemp.com](CWHemp.com) and enter promo code STANHOPE at checkout to get 10% off your order. Some exclusions apply, see website for details.MyBookie.ag - Log onto [MyBookie.ag](www.MyBookie.ag) right now and double your money. Use promo code STANHOPE and you’ll get your first deposit matched 100 percent. You must use promo code STANHOPE . You play, you win, you get paid. PricelessPillow.com – The most comfortable pillow you will ever sleep on. Log on to [www.PricelessPillows.com](www.PricelessPillows.com) and use the promo code STANHOPE for 30% off your purchase. Twitch.tv - Interact with Chad Shank while he tries to conquer video games. Go to [Twitch.tv](http://www.twitch.tv), search @HD_Fatty and subscribe. If you have an Amazon Prime account it's free. Instructions are pinned up top on Chad's Twitch page. We like what they are doing over at [FIRRP.org](http://www.FIRRP.org) - Check it out Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org)Closing Song , “Cat Scratch Fever”, Written by Ted Nugent, Performed by Jazzbanjorex - [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoXYQ8rBmsY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoXYQ8rBmsY)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. All right, this would be, I guess this is, well, when you hear this, it'll be like day 16. It's day 15, 14 of... It'll be day 16 for you. Yeah, I started a bit late. Just one day. I have an asterisk. 15, 14 of... It'll be day 16 for you. Yeah. I started a bit late. Just one day. I have an asterisk next to my standing since Sober October.

And I think I mentioned on the last podcast where I accidentally took some edibles, gummy peach ring edibles. Yep. And yeah, this time I took them on purpose not today but the other day i go oh i tried those wasn't half bad everyone's sober october is different i know like already gets sober and it just means i'm not doing heroin as much and then you can just sit there and just can beers all night long and they they go, no, he's just drinking beer. He's not doing smack at all. So, hey, we have some couple of podcasts we did back in my drinking days two weeks ago. They're very fun.

We cobbled two of them together. And we're going to play those. I'll be off on the East Coast somewhere in a hospital for the criminally insane, not guilty by reason of insanity. We're going to try to get a podcast, a Halloween podcast about people who murdered

their mothers in a psychotic... People? Yeah, people. Hoping to catch a couple interviews? Maybe stand at the intake area? Hey, before you go in. Or the hoping to catch a couple interviews, maybe stand at the intake area. Hey, before you go in. Or the people get released. I'll stand by the big prison doors.

That's how I imagine it. I don't know. Have you researched anything about where you're going? Or are you just flying by? Yeah, I did. I don't want to get into too many details. I'll see how many details I can get into when I get back. If I can't get him on tape, then I'll just take copious notes, and I'll tell you all about it all by myself.

But I am bringing the rig. Bingo and I are leaving on a jet plane. Before we get to that, a couple of thank yous. Mike, who sent us national lampoons earlier, sent me more national lampoons and then sent me a picture of this cigarette holder. Did you see the pictures? Oh, that's the email you sent me.

I thought it was that cigarette. I'm pointing to the big cigarette on the wall. No, no, this is a cigarette holder. I have not seen those. It's a Mad Men era. I don't know where the pictures are. Do you know where they are? Like Truman Capote would hold? Oh, no, it's like a holder that holds cigarettes individually.

You pull it out and it expands like a Christmas tree with cigarettes. Where is this thing? Joby took the pictures? He sent you a picture of something? He sent me like five different pictures saying, do you want this? Yeah, I want it. Thank you, Mike. Derek from somewhere in the UK sent me a Wolverhampton Wolves kit and a flag, a banner flag, big flag.

That's up on a wall that won't be a wall for very long if this construction ever gets underway. And Killer Termites. And Killer Termites, I had just one of the most proud moments where episode, I think it's episode 277. Valentina was promoting her organization where they help their lawyers that help mentally ill immigrants who are busted and detained and they're trying to deport and she helps those people in court and she came down on a working weekend and uh had a client uh they're trying to 78 year old guy with dementia that they're trying to send back to honduras where his whole family had been killed by one of those fucked up gangs and and uh i go uh she needed some case evidence of how shitty the mental health system is there. Like, she has to prove in court, like, he's facing imminent danger if you send him back to Honduras. And I just, I go, I have one fan that I know of in Honduras.

So I emailed him, searched him in my email found him emailed him saying hey here's the deal do you know anyone or have you yourself ever had to go through the mental health system in honduras do you have any fucking horror stories and he goes oh yeah a couple of my friends are doctors that they have to work in whatever the name of the place is. And so she immediately got doctors that have already been, what do you call them? Officer Bob. What do you, witness, professional witness. Is that what they're called?

In the court? Yeah. They've already done this. So she fucking, one guy, one killer termite I know honduras set the whole thing up thank you god damn it it's his fucking name expert witness thank you shit i don't even have his name in front of me well while you're those gallardo yeah carlos gallo you didn't just make that up no no that sounds like it well i sent you uh told him to send you his address oh he did i sent that to you oh yeah okay yeah i know what you're talking about now give him the big box

yeah of uh thank you very much i think i have to send it to his uh relative but yeah we'll get it to him yeah the lawyer was holy shitting the whole time i just sent off an email 30 minutes later boom the next day she had everything she needed from you so yeah you fucking yeah you helped holy shitting the whole time. I just sent off an email, 30 minutes later, boom. The next day, she had everything she needed from you. So yeah, you fucking, yeah, you helped save a life perhaps. And that was episode 277 and the organization

that Valentina works for is the Florence Immigrant and Refugee Rights Project, FERP.org. So thank you for that. Yeah, I got nothing else. Gump got a job at Subway. Subway?

I mean Subway, Safeway. Gump's going to be bagging in Sherry's lane. I think he's going to be doing overnight stuff, stalking when no one's there. All right, do you have anything, Greg Chaley? Yeah, I got something, but it's in front of you. You read it. Oh, yeah. This is the email. Hey, we always like to start out on a high note.

Easily the worst was his Twitter handle. And it was funny because the day we got this, you got this, earlier that day, I forwarded you an email where someone was asking why we're not on YouTube, why we're not uploading shit to YouTube. Well, we never did that.

A guy, easily the worst, did that. He asked if he could, and of course he can. Yeah, you can fucking paint the house and check the tires when you're done, too. Of course you can put it on YouTube. But I guess he was having some bad days because later that day, we got this email from the guy who puts stuff on YouTube from easily the worst. If you're reading this, I killed myself 24 hours ago. I scheduled this email so if it didn't work, I'd cancel it. Thanks for the laugh.

Last few years have been bearable thanks to everyone at the funhouse and stuff. It's a shame I never get to meet you guys, especially I was so close and you invited me to UFC that time. I did get to see Doug in New York City on his last night. It was the best time I had in the last five years. Stay gold, guys. You were the good ones. Kyle, parentheses, easily the worst. And his last tweet was paraphrasing an old bit of mine about suicide,

where I said, if life is like a movie, if it sucked, you know, if you're more than halfway through and it sucked every second so far, chances are it's not going to get great right at the very end. No one should blame you for walking out early. So he tweeted,

I never walked out of a movie early until now. At Doug Stanhope, at Greg Chaley, it was real stay gold. Cy, at Easily the Worst. Well, Cy, thanks for all the pro bono effort you put in, and I hope your last breaths were your best ones. I don't know. Here's to Easily the Worst. Mocktails for Sober October.

I forgot that we had these, and then we had two great stories. Christine Levine finds another body. And then, oh, Hack Oddity is never without a story. So let's get on with the progress already recorded from back in my drinking days. Hey, this podcast has uh christine levine is with us as well as hack oddity matt becker chad shank and uh greg chaley christine mamu you had a great story that we taped the other day that will be at the end of this podcast, but it ran short, so we didn't want to... It's like 20 minutes short, and then Hack Oddity shows up while you're here today,

and he's got a great story from back when he was touring with Mishka over here. And I go, well, since you're both here, we'll put it together, and then it will seem seamless. Like you're just the second half of the podcast, even though we already taped that one. Mm-hmm. See how that works out? Yeah. You tell them it's seamless.

Yeah. And that way, Chaley doesn't have to spend three days editing it to make it seem like it's all in the same shot, because who gives a fuck? But really, they're so stupid. They'll be like, yeah, he's right. Hack, have you been on the podcast before? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Okay, let's not talk about that. Yeah, we don't. Let's not talk about it. We just did talk about that. We just did. Yeah, let's just ignore that. We made lots of friends.

Yeah. We might have pulled that one. I don't know. It was nothing you listeners would care about, but... So... Oh, my God. What is it? Okay, off the air. Seamless.

Seamless, people. Seamless. I got it. Seamless. You said something not knowing that it was a friend of ours. Yeah. Oh, geez. Yeah.

Anyway. Okay, good job. Good job, buddy. Now this one's all about you. Yeah. Anyway. Okay, good job. Good job, buddy. Now this one's all about you. Yeah. You were touring with Mishka, playing a de facto part-time road manager. Mm-hmm. And on the first night of that tour, you're in Phoenix.

Yeah. We're in Phoenix, did a little gig. I only know this much of the story oh okay um you weren't acting like you did last night i don't know any of it yeah i'll be funny later okay oh just tell us the story yeah i just have to fill the first dig 15 so minutes the we were playing the uh place called plasma in phoenix um the day after, but we went to pregame there the night before. Had a few beers and stuff. Now, Plasma's a

gay club, which I just thought was the place where gay people go to drink beer. Yeah, isn't that right? Come on, don't act like you're a foreigner in a gay bar. We hear whispers about your past. What is this gay club?

I've never heard of that. Maybe I'll try it. It sounds happy. This one time. So we walk in, and it all looked fairly chill to start out with. A few guys kicking around, went outside for a cigarette and a drink. And then all of a sudden, stood next to me is one dude wearing nothing but Speedos. Ripped. Shredded.

That was the picture. And then there was another one. And then there was another one. And before you know it, there's like four or five guys. We get it. They were all over you. Of course they were. It's the accent. It gets them every time. I just wish I could sort of pick a target.

I remember seeing the picture i don't someone put a phone in my face it's like instagram and he goes uh oh so this is how this tour is gonna go and he's got three gay boys and fucking banana slingers all around him and you looked happy i was happy i was really drunk i just nailed like five Long Islands in half an hour. Is that what they're called? Trying to... It's a British term. So anyway, we were just chilling out and talking to these guys. You know, everything was nice and relaxed. And then Mishka threw one of them 20 bucks.

And apparently there was a champagne room that I wasn't aware of, which was basically a black curtain that was pulled around the vending machines that they don't use on stripper night. So this incredibly good-looking little brown boy came and grabbed me by the hand and took me back to the champagne room. Oh, my God. There's no champagne in there. Oh, God. I mean, it was moist.

There was a definite dampness to the air. You could probably get Gatorade out of the vending machine if you plugged it in. Yeah. Gatorade room. So I go back there. I sit down on the stool that they use to sit and play on the arcade machine that was back there I sit down on like the stool that they used to sit and play on the arcade machine that was back there

and he comes and wait he he arrives basically sits down on my lap you know

does the basic butt grind stuff turns around and then stops dancing comes down sort of like hands on my knees face right up to mine and then tells me he thinks I'm cute

which is obviously you know I'd take a compliment wherever the fuck I can get one and then just very very very softly brushed his lips up against mine and I was always taught to be polite so

when you have a hard time when you can't run I was a kid in the 80s and I was told that to be polite. When you have a hard-on. When you can't run. I was a kid in the 80s, and I was told that if a man kisses you, you should always kiss him back. So he brushed his lips on my lips, and I didn't.

There's two choices. There was run out screaming like I'm on fire, or go with it. Yes, of course. There's a third choice. Let's go. Power down. Just start singing wham. Are you uncircumcised?

Well, you wouldn't be able to tell now. Can I just state for the record that I was entirely, mostly flaccid for all of this. Entirely for part of this. I'm entirely straight. My penis is confused. So anyway, he does the brushing on my lips

thing with his lips and I don't pull away, which he takes to mean fucking green light. Right. I would. I also would. He's going to go for the next 20. A driverless car would take it as a green light. He went in a little bit harder and

I was making out with the stripper for a few minutes who then sort of was chatting to me like I was his girlfriend. And then asked me to come and watch him on stage after the dance and hang around for a while.

So I run out of there as quick as my fat little legs will carry me. Grab Mishka by the sleeve like a six-year-old. Daddy, take me home! I'm getting married, get me out of here! Daddy, I need an adult! Daddy, I need an adult! Take me home!

But, I mean, looking back on it, I, to be, you know, a ten's a ten. And a hole's a hole. It's 2018. I don't get tens. I got a ten. Holes were always holes. Yeah, but ten holes are hard to come by. So, yeah.

So, I guess the point is that I'm gay now. Yeah. Wait. We thought always you. That's what I was going to say. I thought you were gay since I met you. I'm trying. I said today when I just got the snippet of the story that I go,

I never knew of you being one to discriminate between men and women. It's not even bisexual. It's targets of opportunity. That's fine, but when they're fucking ugly like you people. Oh my god. No, no.

He has a point. Can you believe Trump can't go to London but this guy can come here and talk to him? Hey, I used to think I was gay, too, but then I realized I just have trouble saying no to people. One Nancy dancer tells him he's cute for $20, and he thinks we're ugly now. Before you switch teams, remember, that wasn't how the date ended. I honestly thought this was going to be a better story. I thought you were going to be fucking this dude.

I don't know what to do with my hard-on now. Wait, you thought he was a top? I thought he was going to get fucked by this dude. We're going back to Phoenix in like two days. Have you been FaceTiming? No, I've not got him on Facebook, but I do have his other friend on Facebook. Yeah, did you find him on Grindr? What's going on?

Who has messaged me to tell me that he likes me? You are totally going to fuck this boy. You and this boy are going to... No, I'm not going to fuck him. What would Joby think? What? You and Joby? Hold on.

You don't know. Oh, that makes sense. Okay, never mind mind i get it yeah all right yeah that's why he always has that look on his face all the awful things he's seen me naked he's fucking up there well that brings us to where uh we'll we'll do a break and when christine said I thought you had a better story and I was going to seamlessly blend these two podcasts

together that's why I made yours last because Christine's story that's coming up after this break starts with a dead body and then gets worse please hold hey cocktails have you heard about dead body and it gets worse. Please hold hey! Cocktails!

Woohoo! Have you heard about hemp for health? Cannabinoids are naturally occurring antioxidants and neuroprotectants found in hemp plants. These hemp plants and their products, by the way, can be shipped to all

50 states. So these cannabinoids from hemp and CBD in particular are pretty popular in health circles for their ability to help maintain wellness inside and out. The makers of Charlotte's Web Whole Plant Hemp Extract Oils and Capsules now make topical creams and balms. This isn't just a little bit of their premium whole plant hemp extracts added to a soothing botanical blend. This is 300 milligrams of hemp extract per ounce. That's three times more than other topical brands.

CW Topical Creams also feature oleosome technology to increase absorption of hemp and key botanical ingredients. Learn more at cwhemp.com and use promo code Stanhope for 10% off CW products, including their new creams and balm. Now go get fit and go to cwhemp.com and use promo code Stanhope for your 10% discount, valid until December 31st in this year of your Lord 2018. Priceless pillow. Still waiting for our priceless pillows. We got a king size and a regular. I didn't give them the address last week. I thought they already had it.

So now it's on the way. All right. Well, I've felt them. I know what this is worth. And I've told you about the nest that I built for Sober October, where I put a giant. Well, it's not a giant. It's a queen size bed in my living room, which now I've adorned with no less than seven comforters. There's at least 30 pounds of blankets on top of that mattress in front of my TV with Netflix and all the things, my laptop, everything's where I can reach it.

I got a cooler full of waters and soda, club sodas, little mocktails, cucumber melon club soda, no calories. Yeah, I'll sit there and have one of those underneath 30 pounds of blankets. And all I'm waiting for to make the nest complete is my priceless pillow. Priceless pillow. I want to tell you about a product that will change your life. Priceless pillow is a premium quality luxury pillow at an affordable price. Unless you're completely broke, then you can't afford it. No more tossing and turning, folding the pillow up and sweating through the night.

No more sweating through the night. A lot of that goes to sober October. But yeah, priceless pillow. And if you do sweat, it'll sop it up and it'll turn into a pearl in the middle. That's not true. Priceless pillow can solve all of these problems. See for yourself. Log on to pricelesspillow.com and put in the promo code Stanhope for 30% off your purchase of a Priceless Pillow.

Priceless Pillow is ideal for all types of sleepers. Backside stomach pillow biters. It's got a mouth guard, I think. No, it doesn't have that. They're working on that. Stomach sleepers are all in love with it. You deserve a good night's sleep and Priceless Pillow can give that to you. It has for me.

It will for me. It will. It will! Confound you, UPS. Log on to PricelessPillow.com and put in the promo code STANHOPE for 30% off your purchase. Whether you're looking for a king-queen standard, Priceless Pillow will work for you. Priceless Pillow has a five-year warranty, it's machine washable, and it has a 30-day money-back guarantee. Log on to PricelessPillow.com and put in the promo code Stanhope for 30% off.

My bookie, that's right. Football season, not just football season also baseball playoffs World Series coming up hockey is in play basketball if you're desperate do they still have UFC or did they break it? oh no

you can bet on everything mybookie.ag that's the website to go to you want to watch the games it's not nearly as much fun as when you have money on the games if you're the kind of guy that likes to bet a little and win a lot, well, who isn't? If you like to bet long shots, that's what they're saying.

Bet long shots. That's what I do. Yeah, I'll make a $2 bet with seven teams on it. And if it wins, pays a shitload. And if it doesn't, you lost two bucks. That way, every game is interesting. You sit there and just watch every TV. Oh, shit.

Oh, they scored. Oh, fuck. Oh, they went for two. I got fucked on half a point on two games yesterday. It hurts. It hurts a lot, but it gives you a story. That was Kenny's bet last week was a parlay. He lost in the first game.

I don't know. My actual bet of the week for last week happens tonight. It's the Monday night game. But for next week, my lock of the week is Broncos minus three at Arizona Thursday night. Thursday night football, usually unwatchable. Everyone knows it. They do have weird uniforms. Worth putting it on to see what the weird uniform is.

But Thursday night football, it's almost as bad as London games. They put the shittiest fucking teams but when you see broncos minus three fuck yeah they're gonna destroy arizona tracy's broncos and you're a cardinals yeah i bet against my team yeah yeah when it comes to money fuck yeah go to my bookie.ag baseball baseball, hockey, primetime fights, and more. You can bet on reality TV shows. It's crazy the amount of shit that you can put $2 on and make it interesting, or $100, or $1,000. So go to MyBookie. MyBookie is the one bet I know you'll be happy with all year round.

MyBookie's been in business for years, and they get great online reviews. Their mobile site is easy to use. So if you're on the sidelines, now's the time to get in the game. MyBookie will match your first deposit dollar for dollar, but you got to join now because they're going to be pulling that offer because I'm tired of giving away the house. All right. That might not be true. Log on to MyBookie right now and double your money. Use promo code Stanhope, and you'll get your first deposit match 100%.

That's promo code Stanhope. MyBookie.ag. You play, you win, you get paid. Guy coming to the left again. Oh, I got one of them. Oh, Kingslayer. We've taken the lead. I got a good view right here.

Oh, shit. The guy just ran past us. Yeah, I saw that. I just threw him. He didn't come back. I'm going to hide behind these computer screens. See if they... Oh, dead.

Behind you. Behind you. Got him. Yeah, I saw that right on. If anybody else wants to be like the wind Ian and subscribe using twitch prime Feel free. I'm using this time to do commercials for If you don't understand how to do it if you already have Amazon Prime go in my channel If you're on the app, it's an information, but there's a button that tells you how to do it

It is a little bit of a weird pain in the ass i will say i didn't think it was going to be such a weird pain in the ass but it's not hard to figure out and you already gave amazon the money and otherwise they're just going to keep it so if you already have it then link your twitch prime and give me your free subscription i would appreciate it and once you do, you don't have to do it again. All you have to do is come back in 30 days and push subscribe again. It's that simple. Yeah, you do have to

redo it every 30. But I think... No, you don't have to redo it. You just subscribe. You don't have to go through that fucked up process. I understand that. You have to resubscribe. That's a one-time rule. You have to resubscribe. There is more involved each month. It doesn't keep going.

I can send an email out once a month to say, you know, resubscribe. I do it once a week. Or whatever. No, fuck people. I don't feel they hate me already. No, people subscribe, fucking. Shut up, Fury. I'm talking.

Fuck. Shut up, Fury! I'm talking! Fuck! So, uh, what I was gonna say before Fury kept fucking running his mouth was that if you message me through Twitch, so I

can see that you're a subscriber on Twitch and just tell me that you want like a voice, uh, memo reminder, you can put it in your phone. I will do that too because I'm trying to show my appreciation for your guys' support. I'm not always just a yelling fucking asshole.

Only when provoked. Missed that motherfucker. Chad Shank is on Twitch.tv playing video games while he abuses you live on video. And it's interactive. And you get it free if you have Amazon Prime. If you don't, you're losing out anyway. You should have Amazon Prime. Chad says they can find all the info on how to subscribe in my pinned tweet,

at HDFatty on Twitter and on my Twitch channel, Twitch TV slash HD underscore fatty. It makes him money. And when he's happy, we're happy. All right, let's get back to this show. This tremendous show.

God damn it. Buckle up. Bucks of cups. Hey, here's a, here's a,'s a a forced but uh appropriate segue met the neighbors today uh the ones who bought the house next to the owls uh two doors down yeah and uh it's virgil and i can't remember his wife's name they're from from California, according to the plates, unless that's a rental. And I just pulled up because they were unloading shit into the house. And I pulled up and I just said, hey, I'm going a safe way. You want me to get you anything?

No, no, we're good. We get baby back ribs. And I go, well, I'm Doug. We're a 212. Welcome to the neighborhood. I mean, it's Virgil, and I can, well, I'm Doug. We're a 212. Welcome to the neighborhood. I mean, it's Virgil and I can't remember the wife's name. Karen?

Tracy's guessing. Why not? Speaking of neighbors, this is just a special short podcast or maybe it goes long. We don't know. But speaking of neighbors, our old pal Mamu, Christine Levine is here. Christine's here.

Yay, I made it. So Christine, I haven't seen you in a while. What's new? I missed the beginning. We're watching because there's no sports on at this hour. The Diamondbacks played and they won. Yeah, and then there was, well, copsops Live PD or whatever that on one screen, and then Discovery Health Channel, I think it is.

There's a Life Channel. It was the boy with giant hands, and he had these giant hands. Don't ruin the ending. Spoiler alert. Yeah, he never does the Rubik's Cube. He has slightly smaller hands at the end. After you watch for an hour and Kenny and Chaley all try not to puke. Actually, Mrs. Selena tried not to puke, too. At one point, I saw you pulling your shirt over your face.

Oh, when they pulled the spikes out of his fingers? Oh, God. He couldn't feel anything. They're ridiculously large. So this other girl has, it's called the girl with half a face, but she has a face and a half, as you accurately pointed out, Greg Chaley.

And that reminded you of a story, Christine Levine. Christine Levine walks in fresh without knowing what we've just been through. Yeah, I didn't, but I did know it was gross. And what she says is yeah i've been through worse which i'm like wait a minute we just told you we saw the guy with these huge hands

ridiculously and then the gal with a double face yeah and then you go oh i've seen worse oh i've been dying to talk to you guys like i've been i, in fact, when I walked in this woman's house, I was like, I can't wait to tell my crew. You have to hear, it's just, it's disgusting. And you're the only people I wanted to tell. You can't tweet something like this. No, and I didn't.

I didn't. Not from her phone, anyway. A Stan Hope Podcast Exclusive! Oh, God. Let me start by burying the lead. This is not your first dead body. No. But if you want to plug your CD, you can hear about the first most famous.

Yeah, I have a CD out called Hey Sailor. And you can find it on iTunes or buy it from me at Facebook. You can contact me. You have a legendary story when you worked as a porn clerk at Facebook. You can contact me. You have a legendary story when you worked as a porn clerk at a porn shop. Hold on. You can go to our show page.

Yeah. And I'll put a link up there for that. Okay, great. Yeah, that'll work. I don't care. Yeah. Just get it. It's funny.

And it happened. And you have a famous story about finding a dead body in a jack-off booth when you were at work. Yeah. Well, I mean, it was half a jack-off booth. you were at work. Yeah. Well, I mean, it was half a jack-off booth.

He was stiff. What I'm saying is it was actually a coffin. It turned into a coffin. What I'm saying is if the authorities are looking for motive. It's so weird. I keep finding these dead bodies everywhere. I feel like I'm the angela lansbury of lonely people i just keep murder she wrote all these pieces of shit that i find there we go put it

in the hamu file why would they leave their cat outside okay so oh my god you guys so you're living in tuc Tucson now for the last couple of years. This is recently? Yes. It just happened. I think, well, April, but it's still fresh to me. We're real fresh. As fresh as this podcast. Might be May. We put it out finally.

Oh, God. I didn't kill her. I didn't do anything. I don't think I would lead with that. But I didn't. But there's... Okay. I would lead with that. But I didn't. But there's, okay. Anyway, well, what happened was. This is your neighbor.

This is my neighbor. She was like crippled and kind of a pain in the ass, but I liked her, you know? I mean, when people are pissed off all the time because they can't get around, you know, you just, I'm nice to them because I get it. I know why they're assholes. So I just, like, I know I would be too. So, yeah. you know you just i'm nice to them because i i get it i know why they're assholes so i just i like i know i would be too so oh yeah so when she called me up and she's like i need you to give me five bottles of vodka i can't handle it anymore and i was like okay whatever i'll help you

but i didn't get her five bottles of vodka i got her uh two half gallons and And she made it through one half gallon that I know of. Because, okay, so then the landlord comes by. And the landlord, this is like two weeks. I thought that I had seen her on Facebook or something, but it turns out somebody else did. I just want to slow you up. When you say the landlord, her landlord? It's ours. She's in the casita behind us.

You know, like how Tucson looks like. Is it one big building? No, no, no. It's like two houses. It's like a little house in the main house. Yeah, it's a little house in the main house.

So you guys all share a parking lot kind of? Yeah, well, we share, her parking lot's the alley, we share a yard. Great. In the back, right? So you're neighborly.

It's a little house. She's a neighbor, yeah. That's why she asked you for five gallons of wine. Yes, and I... Yeah, instead of a cup of sugar. Exactly. Well, because she knows how i roll yeah

and that's why you would do that yeah exactly exactly so um so i did yeah we got her some vodka or whatever because she was not feeling very well and she thought somehow that would fix it i get it so uh then but then we don't hear from her for a while but i thought she would go through these phases where she would be a real pain in my ass and want a lot of stuff. And then all of a sudden, radio silence. Maybe she got her meds or something. And she's like, or maybe she knew I wasn't up for it. I only want to talk to you when I need you.

Exactly. Yeah. So I just say, all right. So she's cool. Anyway, then landlords, our landlord shows up and he's like, hey, have you guys heard from? We have. She's laid on a rent. She's never laid on a rent. And I was like, Oh my God. Now, now a few days earlier, um, my friend of mine had said, Hey, have you, have you heard from Jill or whatever?

You should go check on her. And I said, listen, I am on my way to the grocery store. I could go check on Jill and then I can't go to the grocery store. So how about I just check on later and I go to the grocery store right now? You know what I mean? Like you can, you can, you answered your phone. For somebody not you. Yeah,

I did. He's calling bullshit on the whole story. No, no, no. By this one detail. No, no,

no. It wasn't a phone. It actually wasn't a phone call it was in person anyway the point is is that i was like yeah you got me the point is is that it it is that i didn't check on her because i didn't want to ruin my day when it came down to it like three days earlier i was like i could have checked on her but then i thought listen if she's dead she is super dead because it's been like 10 days already so why you had to go to the grocery store but what but what's what good is it gonna do if i

find out now so why interrupt my my life because then it's gonna just throw everything all out of whack i'm busy right now i don't want to find out until I have to. Anyway, so then when Landlord shows up and is like, hey, I haven't seen Jen. She hasn't paid her rent. I'm like, ah, god damn it. This is the day. Okay. So I grab the key. I'll pay it.

All right. That's right. Yes. Becker knows. Okay. You get it. So I grab the key to her house. And what's weird is like two weeks earlier she had just said, hey, if something happens to me, I hope you find me.

I'm like, that's kind of fucked up. Whoa. Yeah. I said, that's fucked up. And she goes, well, you know, I'm not real in great health. And she goes, but I hope it's you that finds me, because I know that you won't judge me. And I was like, whatever. Judging her.

No. I knew she'd say something just like that So Jill But I But I did in a way know what she meant Because she knows that I would Like mostly care about her stuff And I would mostly do what she wanted

With her stuff and her cats and whatever And you're like a body sniffing dog No I just keep I am a cadaver dog and our cats and whatever. And you're like a body-sniffing dog. No, I just keep... I am a cadaver dog. After you talked about on a CD about rifling through a dead man's pockets. Okay, well, here's where that comes in. Okay.

Okay. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy. So she... Anyway, so the landlord says, I'm her from jail, I grab the key, I go into the house, and I immediately notice that it smells like cat poop or something. The cats have not been

taken care of. And then I look on the floor and there's blood on the floor. One of the half gallons of vodka is still there. And I'm like, okay, good. She didn't drink both of them. Awesome. And then a couple other things that I got her from the grocery store were still out. Awesome. And then a couple other things that I got her from the grocery store were still out. So that means that to me, I immediately like, oh shit, she has not moved since I got her this stuff at the grocery store. How many days has this been? 14.

Okay. It had been two weeks. And it was yogurt. So sorry. And then. It can't go bad. It is bad. It goes good.

It's born bad. You're uncultured. You're uncultured, yogurt. Well, so I am thinking maybe she's alive. Maybe she just forgot. Or she's just lazy. She doesn't want to put her stuff away. See, bingo. Yeah. So I go, Jill, Jill.

Oh, Jill. Okay. And I keep walking towards her bedroom, and I go into her bedroom, and I open the door. And, of course, she's purple and, you know, mottled is the word. And I'd never seen anybody at that stage decomp. I watched a lot of CSI. And she is just, she's decaying. And the cat, her cat, lifts his head up by her face.

And he's eating her fucking face. She only just retched. But what I found out later was that, yeah, cats will eat the face because that's the soft part. Like, it's cheeks. Well, they scratch fever, but they eat the face because that's the soft part. Like, it's cheeks. Well, they scratch fever, but they eat the face. They love it. It's so...

Ew, what the fuck is that? God damn it. Anyway, so the cat is, like, eating her and I'm like, okay, so they have food. You know what I mean? I'm, like, going to, like, okay, so Joel's dead. The cats have food. I go into, like, some kind of survival mode. And then I think, well, the

cops aren't going to let me back here for a minute, so let me give the cats some water, because they're obviously fine. When Meatwig brings live animals into the bedroom at six in the morning, I've taught Chaley this now, what you do is you shake the bag of cat treats,

and he'll put it down and go for the treats, and then you can let the thing out alive. So did you think, hey, if I get some cat treats, he'll drop the face and you can release it back into the wild? No, I just thought they're already eating her. So what's, you know, what's a few more hours of that? You had no hope that she still might be alive? No! Hey, you watch a lot of CSI. Did you check her polls?

No! You do it! Did you do the thing where you put your fingers on her neck? Did you take her jewelry? She's one of the parents who can never say no. If you want my eyelid. Oh my god. Go ahead.

Oh shit. So I go out and I call 911 If you want my eyelid. Oh, my God. Go ahead. Sorry. Oh, my God, you guys. Oh, shit. So I go out and I call 911. Oh, no, no, I didn't call 911. I called non-emergency. You talked to him in person. I hope you didn't talk to cops like this because this is when they start going, did you do this? No.

Yeah, we need a search warrant for a Mamu residence. You know what? Test her stool. She eats like a cat. Explain why her eyelashes are in your feces, Mamu. She is purple. I never had a grape before. You drank wine and it seems like 14 days would be a perfect fermentation process.

Oh, this is so gross. But it makes me feel, I want you to know something. To talk about this has been bothering me and I wanted to talk to you guys because I know that you are my family and I wanted to say. Chris Hardwick wouldn't have you on? No, not me. I would talk about this at the In-N-Out Burger drive-thru. Oh, one more thing. You gave me the right change, but you got to hear this.

What animal style? And God, have you ever seen a cat eat eyelids? I met my son's girlfriend for the first time, and I tried to tell her all of this. I was like, oh my God, Harley, let me tell you what happened. And I just blurted it. Oh, yeah. That's a good move.

Go ahead. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I'm sorry. So I go, I call, I call not 911.

I called the non-emergency because I, but then. No hurry now. Because I know that from the last time, right? You don't call 911 because they just want to give you shit. But they did say, well, how do you know she's dead? Which is to give you shit but they did say well how do you know she's dead which is like the last fucking time they were like how do you know he's dead like because they tickled him he didn't laugh what kind of fucking what shit is that why are you saying why how do i know he's dead but i said i said well she because she's she's purple and it's like been like it's been a couple weeks i think and she's really really dead and

don't even send like don't alarms please no lights no nothing you don't need it she's really, really dead. And don't even send, like, don't alarms, please. No lights, no nothing. You don't need it. She's super dead. So the cops come, and then I ask them. I go talk to the cops, and they're like, hey, what's going on there? Well, there's a female, 50-some-year-old female in there. She's deceased. I'm like, oh, no shit.

You're a genius. Hey, did she tell you that I need my vodka back? We're getting to that. Yeah. Okay. Hold on, buddy. Sorry. So I'm like, okay.

I know she's, I know. Super dead. Yeah, she's real dead. So they take their time and they do their little investigation and stuff. And I am not a suspect. I didn't do anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they leave and then they take her body away. And then, of course, then the hazmat guys are called and it's all a big deal. And then what are we going to do with their cats? Hazmat? Why hazmat? Okay, okay. a body it's a hazard a biohazard because she her blood had or

her i don't know what is it called there's a meat no there's a there's a word for when it just cat treats yeah like juice temptations if it's been a while then there's decomposition sets in yeah so there she's starting to liquefy yeah she's like yeah so that's that's why because they need to wrap her up no manma yeah and she's in the bed butfy. Yeah, she's liquefied. Yeah, so that's why, because they need to wrap her up. No manma? Yeah, and she's in the bed, but her hand was over on the side, and it's just drip, drip, drip, drip, drip. Yes.

Like a candle, and it's gross. In the wind. Someone rented that room. God damn it. And the smell. I mean, the smell of a putrefied human. It's outrageous. It shouldn't exist. We've done triple gigs. And the smell. I mean, the smell of a putrefied human. It's outrageous. It shouldn't exist.

We've done triple gigs. We know her. Yes. Okay, so. Kenny's back. He can throw up during this story. He just walked in. So then the hazmat guys, they come by the next day.

And I stop by and I offer them some iced tea because it's hot out and are you guys doing okay? And they're getting on their little outfits, you know, their little jumpers and stuff and then this one kid, Alex, you know, he starts talking to me and I tell him about Jill and I'm like, and then she had that she wanted vodka and I got her vodka

and she drank it all and I think she might have bucked her head and then she bounced out. Maybe I killed her. I don't know. And I'm crying like an idiot. Alex, he's 22 years old just doing this to get through college. Cleaning up dead body shit to get through college. And he

looks at me with all the kindness he can muster and wraps his arms around me. And I'm fat. If you can't see me, I'm a giant lady. And he's a little tiny boy and he just wraps his arm around me and i'm fat i if you can't see me i'm a giant lady and he he's a little tiny boy and he just wraps his arm around me and he gives me the biggest hug and i'm sobbing i'm like i don't know i just i i hated her but i loved her too and then for the listener when she says she's fat she's on the third episode after boy with giant hands thank Thank you. Lady with fucking giant face. You're on right now, I'm assuming.

As an outrageous, like, what the fuck? Yeah, I'm fat. So he's holding me. He's holding me. And I said, I'm sorry, I'm crying. I'm sure you get this a lot. And he pulls away from me and he looks at me and he goes no never you what are you fucking kidding me nobody ever cries to you and he goes no i've been doing this for three years and no

one's ever that's never happened before it's like well do they not hang around he goes well no they usually just start bawling like this oh god damn it so i said well all right i'm gonna go get you would you want more ice for your damn iced tea fucking alex okay and get your own ice alex i just dump off to my house and whatever and then they clean it up and then i go back in because now we have to get the cats out. And this is what I wanted to tell you guys. Because this is my favorite. You just said this. This is where I caught the story already in progress here in the fun house. And you go, no, this is the best part.

And Becker says, the cat eating the face was a pretty good part. I love this next part. I go, what? Let's record this. Yeah. Cat ate the. Okay. But this next part is my personal little gem because it is,

it is when you see a cat eating someone's, your friend's face or neighbor's face is traumatizing. And I, I didn't know what to do with that. So then, okay. So we're having that humane society. People come and pick up the cats. And they come and they set the cat traps out. And this humane society lady, she's so nice and loves cats.

Oh, I rescued 45 kittens this year and it's only April. Oh, you're an angel. Who fucking cares? Anyway. How many did you just spay and neuter? Yeah, right. How many eight faces? Okay, so she, yeah, yeah she is she's like and then i talked to her a little bit about what why the cats need to be rescued their mom

died and so and and oh she was oh they were locked in here with her and then she goes well they look pretty healthy they sure haven't she must they must not have been in here for very long with her. And I looked at her and I go, two weeks. And she goes, huh? Oh, my gosh. Oh, no. And I was so happy. I laughed.

I was just dying laughing because I thought, now you know. Somebody else has to know. The cats were eating her fucking face and i saw it i saw it cats are finicky no they usually no really they are very picky when they eat they usually they only eat nine wives but i had to like i wanted to share it with her it was killing me that i just was like no they were either i saw saw that. And would you adopt a fucking cat that you knew it had the taste of human flesh in its mouth? Not without a shark

cage. Becker is from Alaska, where if a bear or a moose kills a jogger, yeah, they hunt it down and kill it, but evidently not with cats. It's got a pattern.

Let's make these a pet. Let's rent them out to another old person. Yeah, you could take Alex's job or whatever. You could just let the cat finish up. Don't lick it clean. I've seen him do it. We don't want to call the hazmat guys. It's such a mess.

A big hairball of an old lady's wig. clean. I've seen them do it. We don't want to call the hazmat guys. It's such a mess. It's such a mess. A big hairball of an old lady's wig. Oh, anyway, so I did forget to tell. So what I did do, I did, I mean, you guys were teasing me about stealing stuff. Well, I did get my other bottle of vodka back, of course. And...

Plastic jug? Yes. You have to ask. us yeah of course it was so i got my vodka back and then i realized the cops didn't take her drugs and so one lady got her fentanyl patches and i got her what i thought were good drugs turns out they were just methadone like a fucking fucking common junkie. Gross. So that's all I got out of it. Is this the not judging her part?

Well, I thought she was all like, oh, I've been on opiates this whole time, and then I find out it's just methadone? Are you fucking kidding me? Jesus. We didn't even find a vibrator. She traded them all for magic beans.

But those beans will get you high as a kite. We actually did trade them. Wow. We keep unpeeling the onion. I traded them. I got 25 methadones and I got 10

Percocets. Good trade. Because the drug dealer goes, oh yeah, junkies love these. methadones and I got 10 Percocets. Good trade. Because the drug dealer goes, oh yeah, junkies love these. You were in a seller's market and you didn't even know it. I had no idea, but I was angry in the moment. The exchange rate since Trump has become president.

I was angry in the moment, yeah. And that's the end of that chapter. I mean, there's a little bit more where I finally realized that it's really not a big deal. I mean, just because I don't find a rotting body every day doesn't mean that it's not a normal process. We're all going to turn into cat meat, so who cares? Like, right?

Cat food. It doesn't matter. So that's how I quit having nightmares once I was like, you know what? They're going to eat me too. Who gives a fuck? Over your dead body. The new morticians, cats. I know, but my cats, if they saw me, they'd be like, which part do we get?

It's all juicy. That's amazing. There's no reason for us to fight. There's plenty to go around. That's why I thought you might be a suspect is because a woman of a certain size, they cast aspersions on you. Yes, that's right. And if there were no snacks in the refrigerator, they go, oh, really? You? You?

But you did clear that up by saying there was rotting food on the counter. You'd have gone for that first before a face. That's right. I've seen your work. And I was totally exonerated of any wrongdoing. Sean Rouse bit her first. Hey. Okay.

That's true. I was, after high school, we would be surfing out in Tower 5 in Huntington Beach. This is our spot. And this guy would come out. I didn't really know – his name was Craig Papereau. And I didn't know until that day that he paddled out that he worked as the guy who picked up the bodies. Oh, geez. As a coroner, he would pick up the bodies.

He paddled out into the surf in Huntington Beach, and out of his wetsuit, he pulled a Ziploc baggie. Took 10 guys that we all went to high school together, and these were the brains that he scraped off of a fucking crime scene the night before. And he's like, yeah, they don't check for everything kind of thing and it's like you you fucking psycho not all heroes wear capes but like your your guy your guy that shows up and put it on things like just another day you know punching the clock it's the same as uh you know pedophiles take jobs where they can work with kids psychos jobs where they

can scrape brains off. Yeah, but of course he had an easy out on that one because nobody checks the ceiling fan. He got this off the ceiling. Seriously, he's supposed to go in there and get everything he can, but no one fucking cares because when they're done, they just

leave and he's like, wait a minute, where'd you get the Ziploc? Did you raid the... I'll be right back, I'll take a leak. And he goes in the kitchen and it's like, wait a minute. Where did you get the Ziploc? Did you raid the... I'll be right back. I'll take a leak. And he goes in the kitchen and is like, right. Eat your boiled egg, grab the Ziploc. They're going to go to waste.

Make yourself at home. The dead body that you found, that you robbed the dead body. At the porn store. In the porn store. I always feel like I have to take something. Remember, get Christine Levine's CD called Hey Sailor. Just Google it and find it. It's Christine with a K.

I think I'm the victim here. Get that cat out of here! Get that cat out of here! Give me that cat. Bring that cat over. I'm feeling sleepy. Who put some in my drink? Okay, watch.

Will you get me vodka? I was thinking if this was on video, if we ever got that done. Here, come here. Watch. Will this cat eat me? Come here. You don't taste good when you're living, baby. You've got to get a little sauce on you.

Come on. You know you're going to bite it. Come on. You always do this. What are you? Are god damn it he just he gnaws on my fingers like it's a tit oh so he's already he licks my teeth but he's eats dead bodies too hey watch it this cat has the taste of plaque all right so uh i was saying uh you get your Hey Sailor CD. Oh, thanks. I was going to close by saying you stole how much from the dead body that you found first

when you stole from his wallet before you called the cops? $35. $35. And then I split it $17.50 for me and $17.50 with the other clerk that I was working with who was too chicken shit to come look at it. It pissed me off so bad, but I still gave him money. Hush money. We call it hush money.

When I worked at Real Networks, I was in this division. Why does Chaley keep trying to close on his own stories when I'm trying to get to a fucking closer? I'm done. He just shut up. I knew you were going to do that. Oh, no. He just got a nasty email that he forwarded to me about

how our podcast sucks and why does he even talk. Oh, that's stupid. It's just a whole load of nastiness. Well, now it's never going to get out because we've upset Greg. No, it's over. I know. Of course.

I do hand signals of, hey, I'm trying to wrap this up. $35 you got from the corpse. Yes. And then- His name was Andrew. And then a half gallon of vodka and 10 Percocets. Yes. And then... His name was Andrew. And then a half gallon of vodka and 10 Percocets. Yes. In today's money, do you think that you're progressing as a professional body finder?

Are you making more now? Let me see. How much is 10 Percocets? Is it 10, 5, huh? Yeah, I'm doing good. Yeah. I think I'm up with inflation. I'm doing great.

Alright, good. Yeah, like ten milligrams. Ten, ten. Yeah. That's good. Yeah, I'm doing great, babe. I don't know that, though. Where can they find you? Usually on Twitter. I like Twitter mostly.

Which is at? At Christine Levine with a K. Christine Levine. All right. Thank you, babe. It's a pleasure to have you back down here at the Funhouse. I miss you. I'm sorry.

Oh! You see that? The cat just bit her. God damn it! The cat just bit her. It's just because I'm juicy. Let's close on cat scratch fever just for fun. Because that just happened.

Don't know where to come from, but they sure do come. I hope they're coming for me. Don't know how to do it, but they sure do it good. I hope they're doing it for free. Got me cat scratch fever. got me cat scratch fever. I got a cat scratch fever. I got a cat scratch fever. I got a cat scratch fever.

Oh, I got a cat scratch fever. I got a dead scratch fever.