The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #283: Cocaine Fever and the Kids Need an XBox

Episode Date: October 31, 2018

The Butcher of Black Knob returns to Bisbee, Kristine Levine's drug war, Andy Andrist and Doug's plan for after SoberOctober.  The "30 Days in the Hole" ReHab Trailers are for sale, a 1963 Oasis ([https://sierravista.craigslist.org/tro/d/1963-oasis/6720450489.html](https://sierravista.craigslist.org/tro/d/1963-oasis/6720450489.html)) and 1964 Nomad ([https://sierravista.craigslist.org/tro/d/1964-nomad/6720450906.html](https://sierravista.craigslist.org/tro/d/1964-nomad/6720450906.html)).Email your questions for the podcast to [e-mail] Oct. 29th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Kristine Levine (@kristinelevine), Andy Andrist (@AndyAndrist), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille. This episode is sponsored by[MyBookie.ag](MyBookie.ag) - Log onto MyBookie.ag right now and double your money. Use promo code STANHOPE and you’ll get your first deposit matched 100 percent. You must use promo code STANHOPE . You play, you win, you get paid. [PricelessPillow.com](PricelessPillow.com) – The most comfortable pillow you will ever sleep on. Log on to www.PricelessPillows.com and use the promo code STANHOPE for 30% off your purchase. [LiftMode.com](LiftMode.com) – Liftmode L-Theanine capsules and dozens of other supplements are available on Amazon, Walmart and Liftmode.com. Use coupon code STANHOPE to save 20% off your first order. [Twitch.tv](Twitch.tv) - Interact with Chad Shank while he tries to conquer video games. Go to [Twitch.tv](Twitch.tv), search @HD_Fatty and subscribe. If you have an Amazon Prime account it's free. Instructions are pinned up top on Chad's Twitch page. We like what they are doing over at [FIRRP.org](FIRRP.org) - Check it out Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org)Closing song, “RISE”, by Wisdom Of Trees. Written and Performed by Scotty Conant and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - [https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant](https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast we on we're on we're here on and running chad shank is back i am the audience alone in their cars go crazy. Yeah. Some people pull over and, you know, have a cry. I don't listen to the podcast, so I don't know when I've been gone. I just know that sometimes I'm on and sometimes I'm not. Right. And I'm back, but I didn't really, you know, I didn't know I was gone either. I was just, was I gone?

Andy Andrist is here. I'm here. Christine Levine is here. And, of course Chaley, the king of Halloween. You know what? Remind me, Bingo,

remind me after we're done podcasting. I want to write a letter to the editor, to the observer, thanking the Chaley's and all who helped. Because Chaley, I don't know how much time cumulatively that you spent building that fucking haunted... This was more of a haunted house than...

It's still a haunted yard, but you basically built a house on the lot next to your place. You got three offers. It's actually one of the nicer freestanding buildings in town. That's actually true. He's actually, how many extra jobs did you pick up? People going, hey, build a house for me over here. A lean-to would be great.

Hey, when you're done with your house, build one over here. The old snow shoveling. Yeah, right, right, right. When you're done with your driveway, do mine. You should come out to Oskosh and do a driveway job. Well, you had, there's the lot has just been

there. We have a urinal attached to the fence here outside the funhouse, and the piss goes into that lot. I assumed at some point the monsoons, it's on a slope, and I assumed at some point this entire funhouse will collapse into that lot. So I wanted to own it rather than get sued.

Could you do an adult only after hour where the piss leaks down on the, that's part of the haunt? Oh, that's the German house. The German hostel. The urinal drain is right back from the shack that I hide in as the butcher of Black Knob. So every time somebody's taking a piss, I can hear it roaring down the side of the mountain. But also, what's the smell like? It's got to be amazing.

I have asparagus every morning in my smoothie. So I know I destroy a urinal. It's got to be gross. I didn't notice anything down there. There's been times though, when I've walked up to this urinal out here after whenever you would have the big party, especially the ones that would last for days.

And I couldn't even walk near it to take a piss. I'd go find and steal a bag of ice and throw a whole bag of ice. We should keep a gallon of bleach beside that. No, no, no, we don't. All right.

First of all, we should stop talking about this. Wait, I had something. Because we have, basically you're saying you have open. Suits. Yeah. People don't piss in the yard. It's not a sewage, it's urine. But if you needed clean urine for a task, could you dig down and cumulative, like if

it goes through the rocks and grit. Yeah, it's like coal. You think this is the place to obtain clean urine? Yeah. Digging in the wrong spot, sir. You're never going to strike anything there. I struck gold in this.

The busted claim. That's right. There's no employment in Gisby or anywhere near it. So why would they need clean urine other than just so they upgrade on the drinking water? Or they'd sell it somewhere online. Right, yeah, Inman. So how, I mean, I know you start the preliminary shit months in advance,

but just building that slab, I didn't even want to look over there. It makes me anxious when people are doing heavy labor. Well, the slab itself was an L shape. And then we had an idea for a project we could put on there. So when we had the construction here anyway, up in Van Dyke, wouldn't it be easy just to pour all the cement at the same time? Me not knowing that they're two separate jobs. So that's why the slab got squared off. Oh, that's right. You're putting another thing after you tear down the haunted house.

And as always, Chad, as the centerpiece, as the butcher of Black Knob. Yep. Chaley advertises, he puts out flyers around town for the butcher of Black Knob. This is the best poster. Haunted yard. This was a good poster, and we put it out a week in advance. Because last year, we were at the All Things Comedy Fest until the day before Halloween. So we had to come back here and set up in one day.

So that was last year, just in front of the house. This year... And you advertise on it, full-size candy bars, which sounds like a desperate pedophile. Yeah, yeah. Come on. Start with the snack size, dude. Strangely, it mostly attracts adults in Bisbee. I got the giant

size bars. Yeah, tweakers will walk a long way for sugar. Those are two for a dollar. Get over there. Hurry up. Yeah, but we had reselling them at the farmer's market on Saturday. Half stepped on. Well, we opened up on Saturday to do kind of a preview.

Well, that's when people celebrate because Halloween's on a Wednesday. Yeah, it's like when adults celebrate. You do Saturday night for Saturday night people and Halloween proper, you'll do it again. Why don't you give us some quick throw out some thank yous because i i know fury jason fury he was the lead gill putting it all together gill uh john norris john norris was helping i had no idea that he was uh handy i mean he talks a big game but he i he just really put shit together made me feel dumb after i was telling him some basic things like i was talking

to a girl or something then i I realized he's like, hey. That's why we kind of fled. Everyone's desperately trying to get this done at the last hour and I go, I'll go buy pizza for people. That was great. That was my skill. At some point you've got too many people and then it's me just constantly trying to make sure someone's got something

to do. Whereas when you've got just enough Too many goblins, not enough witches or something like that. So it worked out really well. I got here early to try to help out and I just felt worthless as fuck. I ended up hanging out with Dan Oakes. That's not my goal to make someone feel worthless.

It's just because you guys all know what you're doing. There's a rhythm going to it and you're trying to go, I'll help so I'll just sit there waiting for heavy stuff that needs to be moved. That is true. And then just go move it. You're the butcher, man. Let everybody else do the work.

Yeah, you're the star of the show. I came up to get cocktails to get into butcher mode. So, yeah, I was working, too. Did you scare the shit out of any little kids? Yeah. Yeah, there was. Any criers? Yes.

Yeah. There was some that were crying long before they got to my area. It's fucking scary. And so I was like, I'll go easy. I try to watch and see if it's little kids. Because what I do is they hit a certain point. Shaylee has it. I don't want to give anything away.

This won't go out until Wednesday. It's not like five years. Spoiler alert. They trip a signal. Well, yeah, because it's a good scare. They trip a signal and it alerts me where they are. And then I can throw the sliding door that's really loud that I can throw open and come out with like a severed head and a bloody axe screaming.

But if there's little kids, I'll keep an eye and then I'll just open the door slowly and just stand there and let them see me and do you hide the head or cradle it I'll definitely play to different audiences do you have a room where you open it up and it's like a white ringing stream

is putting a bomb together it's just a light on you. But these kids were crying already before they got to me, so I opened the door just quietly. And of course, the screams intensified. So I went to shut the door,

and that was enough. And two of them ran up, trying to scare me. Oh, nice. And I couldn't have that. Now you know how that is. Balls on some busy kids. So I flung the door open as hard as I could and just roared at him.

You almost fell down trying to run away. And the other one's just, Daddy! Screaming. I'll bet you'll cry if you watch The Elephant Man again. I feel kind of bad until I turned around and I saw Hennigan was dying laughing. I was like, all right, that was good enough. Then I don't feel bad anymore. You should re-watch The Elephant Man.

I'll bet you'll just cry like a baby. Oh, this is exactly what I go through. Yelling at me. How many pillows under your head, Patty? I'm not a butcher. I am a man. I'm just cutting meat. One of the funniest scares is I watched a grown woman that we all know go over to inspect.

Shaylee has like a kidnapped victim body that lays over as a focal point. Oh my god, it's so realistic. People are trying to figure out if it's real or not when I jump out at them. That's like what they're looked at when I come out, but you can't. It's the same one. People get up and touch it

and still don't know if it's a person. It's the same one we were talking about that we saw at the Tacoma. Yeah, Nightfall. Oh, yeah, Nightfall. There's a bunch of stuff in the infirmary. I was going to spoon her. Yeah. Now I know I can.

You could use it as a real doll if you were into Asian girl, underage Asian girls that had been eaten by javelinas to the point where their rib cage is showing. Well, put her in the rape trailer after you're done and maybe just black out. Drink. Maybe I am into that. We'll find out.

I watched a grown woman over there trying to bend down and look at it and inspect it and the fog machine went off. And buried her? Blah! Fucking ran, screaming. More scared of that than anything the whole time. Oh, that was Suzanne. And then.

I knew it was her. And then she turned around and did it again. Twice she was scared by the fog machine. So good job, Shaylee. You're scared. It took me off a woman we all know. I didn't want to call out Suzanne. I get know. I didn't want to call out Suzanne. I get it.

I didn't want to call her out. She knows. Yeah, I know. It was fun. She had a good time. We were up here, the few of us. I appreciate the amount of work they all put into that, but I don't like to be around fucking kids,

even if they're screaming and crying. So I go down and I check it out. And then the World Series was on. So I came up here. And there's a couple of us. But the people who know, they go through the haunted house. And then they go fucking right through the fucking sneaky entrance. So then all of a sudden, it's a Halloween party in here.

Oh, yeah. Didn't mean for that to happen but uh well he's sober honestly the the best costume i saw was jet lacy dressed up as tony clifton and i'm like holy shit this is a like a perfect and he could do tony clifton yeah oh my god yeah i missed a whole scare on a group of people because I was talking to Jet Lacy about his costume. I was like, holy shit. He was being crazy. But when he came up here, there's probably, I don't know, half a dozen, eight people up here, ten.

And only one out of ten people knew who Tony Clifton was. I was like, oh, this is such a waste of a fucking beautiful impression. Had the suit down, had the wig, just everything Tony Clifton was i'm like oh this is such a waste of a fucking beautiful impression had the suit down had the wig just everything tony clifton i could probably talk to jet longer if he was talking to me as tony clifton so it's like a makeover situation. Tony Clifton makeover? We like you better when you're not yourself. You have to come over as Tony Clifton any time of the year that you're coming over. He is listening to this. We've given him enough shit.

One of my favorite Facebook friends. We've given him enough shit about talking too much that he doesn't mind us talking behind his back for once. Hey, at least I'm not saying it to my face this time. I do want to say thanks to Jet. He got out the dog kennel panels. That was part of it up front. Backdoor Mike also. Oh, yeah.

Last minute, he helped us with the painting. I don't know if Andrew Nelson. Andrew Nelson's always helping with something. He's working up here. He's working up here at the thing. But yeah. Again, I tried to. And then Denise got us the fridge.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was a good score. Yeah, who was in the fridge? Gil. Gil. Gil. Yeah, yeah. And we're changing that one a little bit, too, because there's a way for him to scare

them forward towards you to go out the side and hit them with the horn again. Right on. Because they're looking forward at the Asian lady that's all mutilated. Yeah. So we're tweaking it. We've got some stuff going on. We'll be different. Mike, back door Mike in a ghillie suit at the very end of the exit was one of the greatest things for me to watch because everybody thought for sure it was over.

Like a military suit that's camouflaged with all the little strands of fabric. See, that's the thing is you never really know until people start rolling through to where you can place someone. So moving them here and there is what happens once you see people. And that's why it's great for Saturday because we had basically like only 20 candy bars went away. There was no kids. It was all adults that came out there

and it was just fine, you know, but the test drive, you know, you can figure out that way. Haven't most of the local kids been rounded up and taken over the border? I didn't even know

there were kids in town. I never see them riding a bike or anything. I see them. They're like little blonde kids with no shirt on, riding scooters around. Sometimes, yeah. That's Garrett's kid. Yeah.

There's some loose ones. I mean, Gump's the only new kid that's come to town in a while. 21? You must be popular at the high school, huh, Gump? They just call the older dudes seniors. They just call the older dudes seniors. I have another friend of mine that's super into Halloween, and I just don't, I can't quite get it.

It's so much work. You love it? The best haunted house I ever went to was, in my hometown, there was a family, and they were either good athletes or retarded. There was a lot of them in his family. And they go, hey, we're haunted house. They had signs up, and we went in there. And it was just them in a dark basement, and they robbed, and they beat my brother.

It was just a rob you unit. And then my brother got bit, I think, by the little retarded one, and that would have been the best fright ever. It's like rabies, and what the fuck fright ever. It's like, rabies? Are you taking notes for Wednesday? Some of this sounds pretty good. We need a little bitey retarded kid coming out of the refrigerator.

Yeah, you can probably find them easier than a school kid around here. Look behind people's places. If the hills have eyes, you just walk around with some bait dragging behind you on a rope. We both lost our candy. I the hills have eyes, you just walk around with some bait dragging behind you on a rope. But we both lost our candy. I dumped mine and ran, which I do in danger.

And then my brother got hit in the face a couple times. The other kid got punched, and then my brother got bit in a different room. So separate haunt. Different side of the haunt. You put your punchers in the punching room and your biters in the biting room. I've been learning about the haunted houses. They've got different rooms. The little biter, he was, what did you call him?

Scarector? He was a scarector at the bus stop every day of the week. Halloween was just another day. I was in Minneapolis once. It was in the knuckleheads days. It was Halloween. One of the staff, one of the bartenders, I was at his house, and they were all getting dressed up, and the kids are ringing the doorbell,

and the lights are off. They're just getting ready so we can all go to a party. So I went in the fridge, and I found whatever I could find. So I found a giant pot of macaroni and tomato sauce, like whatever you call that fucking goulash yeah yeah put out your bag and then i just take i just slop it into their bag and then shut the door and then invariably you know 90 seconds later the doorbell is furiously ringing by an angry parent. They don't open the door.

I don't have any more. It's too bad there's not Yelp reviews. Halloween Yelp reviews. Macaroni thrown in the bag. Not a fan. Skip this place. It's not even hot. Your friends are coming home later going, why is our house egged? What do we do?

I told them afterwards because they were all getting dressed in their bedrooms. I've been doing this. They go, I fucking live here, man. Yeah. Do you know you can get food poisoning? I wish there was. I love that. Was it maybe just a myth about the razor-bladed apples and stuff?

It's just fun. Well, the guy started doing it for real, like to make the myth a reality. I used to do a bit about that, that when I retire, I'm going to just fulfill everything that's been debunked by Snopes, and I'm going to put alligators in toilets, and I'm going to shove a gerbil in Richard Gere's ass.

That's actually happened. I'm going to kill a kid with enormous amounts of Coke and Pop Rocks until he actually does explode him. All right, let's take a quick break, and then we'll get to why Christine Levine's not at work. Oh, and Chad's daughter. We met Chad's daughter. All right, here's some... Oh, yeah, before I get into the proper ads,

the two trailers from the Shitty Dell, including the old Tin Can Rehab trailer, are for sale. Chaley will have links to them on this podcast, on Craigslist. And Bingo bought a recumbent three-wheel bike for, I think,

$167,000. Maybe I'm exaggerating. Oh, you got the gold rims. It's got a plug-in for your phone and everything. But she did use it once. It was a very long ride to the point where you were almost in

Mexico. I should call for a ride back. I'm pretty drunk. That would be a great DUI on a three-wheel. Did you know how to turn it or did you just keep pedaling and you ended up at the border? You accidentally went to Mexico

trying to go to the corner. It is kind of downhill so you could probably roll to Mexico trying to go to the corner. It is kind of downhill, so you could probably roll to Mexico most of the way. It's a nice bike. I got to understand. Yeah, we'll have links to all that stuff. Actually, I can put a page up on the website, so we'll just do that because then we can talk to other people as well. However, let's get to the copy.

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lead i got a good view right here oh Oh shit. The guy just ran past us He didn't come back I'm gonna hide behind these computer screens. Oh Dead behind you behind you If anybody else wants to be like the windy in and subscribe using twitch prime Feel free. I'm using this time to do commercials for you. If you don't understand how to do it, if you already have Amazon Prime, go into my channel.

If you're on the app, it's an information. But there's a button that tells you how to do it. It's not hard to figure out. And you already gave Amazon the money, and otherwise, they're just going to keep it. So if you already have it the money, and otherwise, they're just going to keep it. So, if you already have it, then link your Twitch Prime and give me your free subscription. I would appreciate it.

I'm not always just a yelling fucking asshole. Only when provoked. Oh! Missed that motherfucker! Chad Shank is on twitch.tv playing video games while he abuses you live on video, and it's interactive. And you get it free if you have Amazon Prime.

If you don't, you're losing out anyway. You should have Amazon Prime. All the info on how to subscribe in my pinned tweet, at HDFatty on Twitter, and on my Twitch channel, twitch.tv slash HD underscore Fatty. It makes him money, and when he's happy, we're happy. Have you met anyone you know on the Twitch, like in the feed? We got on it one night, and i was trying to talk shit it was uh that was uh it was one of the most horrible uh nights that uh you got on there too which i'm glad because you can see it was it was a little bit of a uh it can be a little bit of a pain in

the ass but it's uh it's not that bad uh do you have like regular tweeters yeah yeah definitely there's regular people that i know from Twitter and stuff. One of the stranger things that's happened is meeting people that don't have any idea about the podcast. That's great. And then they get on and play games. I played games with a couple people, and we didn't realize until halfway through that they had no idea. We thought we were playing with podcast listeners. No, it's a... Do the podcast people gang up on the fucking newbies no everybody uh but one of the things that

everybody says in the chat apparently these people are not usually nice to each other the chats are usually very volatile so i've been uh complimented that i have the nicest uh chat on twitch what yeah i think it's because people are afraid that I'll yell at them. Yeah, there has to be. Because I do do that sometimes. And locally, it's the opposite. Like, right outside of Twitch.

Do you have your stockpile of guns behind you in the camera shot? Yeah. More scary off-camera. Do a little butcher of black knob on Twitch. Strangely, you have to be very careful on Twitch not to promote violence while you're playing the most violent video game

that you can imagine. He's slaughterer at schoolhouse. Who do you like in the Packers game? I can say, oh, I just blew that fucking guy's brains all over the wall. Did you see that? But I can't say,

there's a guy I know and I'd really love to blow's brains all over the wall. Did you see that? But I can't say, there's a guy I know, and I'd really love to blow his brains all over the wall. It's just different contexts of violence, I guess. I notice there's a lot more, I'm going to go get a drink now. Yeah, that was part of my problem. I was sober and stuff watching it, and so I was getting irritated at my laptop. If I don't understand the smallest thing,

I'm ready to smash my laptop. Well, that's the way I was trying to get into it, but it's not that difficult once you get it. The night that you logged in, we started a new video game that I'd never played before, and I was fucking frustrated and screaming at everybody, and I was not having a good time at all. Was that the black ops one? It probably made it nice for everybody else to watch, I guess,

but I don't know exactly what people are looking for. I think that's the funny part is watching you get just completely just one after another because Fury and Prisoner Mike, they're playing with you and they're doing fine. You just keep getting killed. I suck so bad that's well that's the whole premise i i know i'm not good at this but again i'm not asking anybody to watch it really that's the whole grift is that if you have amazon prime you already gave them your money yeah and

you can either let them keep it or you can click a couple of buttons and let them give it to me. There you go. Last time I checked it was a few days back when I last streamed. I got like 220 subscribers. Oh, come on, Termites. You could do better than that. Followers, I have

almost a thousand followers. People are following it. But if everybody doesn't have Amazon Prime. Which is stupid to not have. But I even have some people who don't have Amazon Prime who have paid money to give me a subscription. Usually they're in the chat. And I'm like, I'm not asking you for that.

They can just gift you money. I remember someone gifted you like 50 bucks while I was watching it. That's cool as shit. They have a thing on Bits called Bits where people can just tip you like a stripper while you're streaming. While you're playing video games? Yeah, I think it's because a lot of chicks are on their show in Cleveland. That's who Twitch is meant for, not me.

You can show us some Cleveland. I showed some leg the other day. Are you one of those financial dominatrix? Send me your dough and I'll humiliate you? There's a lot of levels to this. Yeah, you could be a bear. You could fucking get some twink market. I don't have a lot of morals. I don't care

what I do. Online bear you wouldn't be. I need a lot more than 220 subscribers. Not if they're all paying. Not if they're all tipping. Like I said, there's some that pay, but just from Twitch, Amazon Prime subscriptions, $200 is like $500 a month. What am I doing? For playing video games.

I'm so stupid. It's also funny because my kids were teenagers. That's what they wanted to do. And I'm like, you've I'm so stupid. It's also funny because my kids were teenagers. They wanted to, that's what they wanted to do. And I'm like, you got to get a job. And they're like, I want to play video games for money. And I was like, you're fucking retarded. Nobody makes money playing video games. And then now I can sit back and-

Do you have a champagne room in your Twitch account where people can spend a lot of money to do one-on-ones and you get your fucking bare chested with a bandolier of bullets? When I was a kid, I had to go get jacked off by a crippled guy to get video game money. Is it similar? Maybe you've already got a skill you're not tapping into. Right, I know.

I just let it go. It's like you quit gymnastics for a while. Can you still do a flip over? Probably, but who wants to find out? I just let it go. It's like you quit gymnastics for a while. Can you still do a flip over? Probably. But who wants to find out? I did my, just like I did with the, I think 30 days in the hole, I actually bought two cars, 30 days, some kind of, you know, bonus to myself. Well, you know, I'm not spending that eight bucks a pack on cigarettes.

I'm saving all this money. Go buy a, so I did that. So a pack on cigarettes. I'm saving all this money. Go buy a. So I did that. So a shout out to the nice people. I went up to Tucson and Kevin Fee at Holmes Tuttle Ford. It's part of the Jim Click Auto Mall up there in Tucson. And this fucking salesman guy is I just I was walking around and every car looks exactly the fucking same. And I didn't even really want to trade in the car I had,

but I thought, well... I don't like the radio, when it... It's already got 31,000 miles. So you left it? I was road raging on the way up there a bit and I had that thing over a hundred miles an hour i'm like this fucking car moves i don't so i i'm walking around the lot so i walk i didn't even know i changed dealerships because that auto mall it's a whole fucking city of and i'm in a used car

area and i saw this fucking ridiculous we call it the shuttle bus now. It's the airport shuttle. And it's fucking weird. They call it a transit, Ford Transit. It's like a panel van, but it's like a small, like a six-seat airport shuttle bus. This is what it looks like. He pulled up down there

the other day and I thought a bus was dropping retarded kids off and then I realized it was Stan Hill bringing Gump over. Oh, that's Gump. Wait, can you get it to load up some kids and bring them to the haunted house? Retarded shuttle? How many seats does it have? Six. So that'll fit.

Yeah, it's ridiculous. Four of us. Wait, it seats eight though, right? Two up front. Two up front, two in the middle, two in the back. It's six petites. But they're like separated seats. Like, I mean, there's room. That's not crammed in there. But it looks ridiculous, and it's vulgar bright red.

We're getting... Oh, that's what I was going to... You guys, you love sending us shit. What I want is some ridiculous magnetic signs I can change, put on the side of it, and change them up all the time. So, yeah. Magnetic bumper stickers. It can't be vulgar unless it's double entendre. I'm not driving this around the

fucking local kids in the neighborhood. Kid grooming. None of that. But make it weird. You send me a weird magnetic sign, I will tweet them all on the side of... Baby plumbing company or something? I like Andy's and kid grooming and you get a picture of a guy going to go to haircut.

Yeah, yeah, kid grooming. I'm not... Yeah, that one's a good example of what to send. A priest gently brushing a child's hair. Illegal... That's's hair. Illegal. That's not subtle. Illegal safe room. Illegal alien safe house.

Uber. Illegal alien Uber. Illegal Uber. The salesman says, hey, can I help you? I go, if I could get the keys for this and he's telling me about it i go it's just ridiculous you don't have to tell me all its benefits no no i don't need to test drive it i said i'm but i'm looking around so i went to a bunch of other dealerships well actually i went to two other just driving through to look at what

they have and i go go, fuck it. I'm buying that weird van. So I went back. And the salesman is a behemoth. He's like six foot six. Their shoulders that go into the ears. Oh, yeah. Like whatever those are.

Those humps. Yeah. Like a skin ramp. Some. Muscle. They're impossible to massage. That's for sure. Trapezoids.

Yeah. Yeah. And he was just really cool. And he said, what do you do for work? You know how they groom you. Is this guy going to pass a fucking credit? I'm paying cash. Drug dealer. But I did say I'm a stand-up comic.

A drug dealer. And then when I came immediately back to buy the thing, he goes, yeah, I Googled you. Did you once try to buy a car from Lolli in Sierra Vista? And I said, well, I bought several. I go, what did you find when you Googled me? He goes, no, I used to work there. We did a podcast. One of the times, I wasn't even buying a car there.

We brought the Suburban in for like an oil change, and then they had like a $15 car wash. So I go, yeah, do the car wash. And then when we came back, the fucking maintenance guy said, hey, we have to charge you $35 for that, because it was a lot of dog hair, and that's an SUV anyway. And I go, well, you can't charge me now. You can't up the sale after the fact.

We didn't even want to car wash anyway. Put the dog hair back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. Bring that dog hair back. Put it in here. So, yeah, we took a giant shit all over Lolly on that podcast. Well, he was working down there at the time,

and he said it went through the office. What did you do to this fucking guy? Ask him for a $15 extra. Just what we always hoped for when we do that. I think he was a friendly, sweet guy anyway, but I think he was a little friendly. He's like, you're not going to do that to me, are you? He just went. No, no, no.

Don't fuck up. I will give you a giant plug. And Chaley, every time we bought it. Do you remember his name? Kevin Fee. I already said it. Every time Chaley, the last couple times we bought cars, Chaley went in with a stopwatch on his phone

to see how quickly we could go from, I want that, to out the door. I think the shortest was like two hours and 40 minutes. No, it was just over two hours the last one. And that's without doing all the financing shit. No, you still have to talk to them. Because they have to make you cash. Because it takes me six and a half

hours to buy a car. Did they make you do the test drive? No. Remember last time when he said, it's illegal for me not to have you at least drive this car down the parking lot and back. But that's what we were buying from Gil.

I refer to him as Gil from The Simpsons. Oh, I'm going to lose this job. Oh, everything. It's always a dark cloud over Gil. That's not true though, is it? No, apparently not. They probably had like a bonus program That they got an extra $10 if they got a test drive

Well, Christine, it's like Arizona has a law That you can't drink alcohol on stage During a performance What? Yeah, only the improv would enforce it Because the guy was an AA guy The old improv

Right, right, right But it's on the books Yeah, nobody, nobody enforces that improv right right but it's on the books nobody yeah so yeah that might be on the books that you have to drive it at least but he was just a new scared old guy he couldn't believe he got another job at 60 this time i timed for i didn't even know what i wanted i didn't know if i was trading my car in which i I didn't. I was picking up Hannigan at the airport anyway, so he could just fucking drive one car back. So I kept both cars. But what was my point? Oh, less than an hour from the time I walked onto the lot,

drove across the street, drove back, fucking done. Wow. So yes, big plug to Holmes Tuttle Ford in the Auto Mall in Tucson and Kevin Fee who's this fucking gigantic guy. He almost looks like Alex Jones if

Alex Jones had gigantism of something other than the ego. I hope he takes that the right way. He told me he said he was working in D.C. at a car lot, and after a snowstorm, they would move all the cars nose to nose in a big line so they could plow the lot, and then they'd move it back. And he said there was one car that was stuck in a snowbank,

and the kids spinning the wheels and spinning the wheels. And he said he went over to try to pull it out, and he pulled the entire side panel off the car. That's how big this fucking guy is. He said it was when he was younger and a lot bigger. And he still kept to an hour and something time frame on the thing and got anecdotes and everything. That's amazing. Story. Yeah.

Did he do any rapping in the test drive, like that stupid ad that pisses me off? White guy rapping. I have a question about buying a vehicle with cash versus buying it when you're waiting for them to run your credit through multiple banks. And find out it's not good. Nope, not that one.

Hold on. Nope, not that one. Well, keep working on it. Because it's difficult to negotiate the price of the car when you're basically begging for a car. Yeah. And that's what I suspected. Do you negotiate heavily since you have that leverage to pay cash, or do you just want no hassle and just buy the car? No, I just buy the car.

No wheeling and dealing. That's their game. It does come into play when you go, oh yeah, I'm a comedian and knowing they're going to fucking Google you. And then once that guy knew about Lolly, he'll probably give me a decent deal.

I never know until I get home and someone like Derek goes, I looked up the blue for the value on it. You really should have. Just don't tell me that. I just, I just, I've always wanted that. You know, I wondered, like, that would be nice to buy a vehicle when you had that leverage.

Because basically, poor people buy a vehicle on credit. You're begging to please let me buy this car. I need it, and I don't care. Here's what I can afford. Get a bank that will loan it to me for a longer amount of time for a high interest rate. And then your credit's bad, so the interest rate's high. So you pay more.

It's great. It's great. Christine, you work on radio radio terrestrial radio the frank show in tucson have you gotten any deals by being because you're a radio personality have you no and that it's so weird because like well i mean you know me not or not really but also aggressively yeah passive aggressively i'll like go on the air and I'll be like, man, I sure got crap sleep last night. Oh, who's our sponsor? Mattress firm.

Huh. Well, what do you know? And the salespeople don't even put this shit together. They could totally help. Or like my host, Frank, he lost his car. Some shit happened. And guess what? Or like my host Frank, he lost his car, some shit happened.

And guess what? There's all these Subaru, Tucson Subaru, and Jim Click, and all these local auto places. I don't know, they didn't even offer him a car for a plug deal or something. By the way, we're recording this on a day you should be on radio, and you weren't because you were here. Oh, no, no, no. I took it off.

I mean, okay, so there's some weird shit happening on the radio show. I don't know if I'm long for that show or what is going on. I am in it. I love radio. So I have no intention of leaving or whatever. From what I know about the show, it's owned by some fucking rich dick fucking golf course fucking caddy shack. Something, yeah. Okay, that makes sense.

I was offered a contract after I was on there Friday. I bet you were. So you're always in some kind of trouble. Well, I don't know. Yeah, right. Go ahead. No, no, no. I'm just telling you to tell me that story.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But wait, tell me how you're not long for this station. All right, so I don't know what's going on, but it just feels like every time I say, oh, maybe I could take a day off or something, and then they go, oh, please do. Oh, oh, can you please? Yes. That's not a good sign.

No. And I'm like, what is going on? And then last, what was it, like three weeks ago, we had another guy sit in who was Frank's old partner, and I'm like, what the fuck is this guy doing here? Yeah. Oh. Did they have it?

I don't know. I said, you know what? I've introduced my husband to my boyfriend. I know what the fuck's happening here, you guys. I get it. I'm not a dummy. Did they refer to you as the, you're going to sit in the Christine chair. Yeah.

Christine, can you go get us coffee? Yeah. You're going to sit over here. The men are talking. Let's back up for a second. Christine chair. Christine, can you go get us coffee? You're going to sit over here. The men are talking. Let's back up for a second. Tell me what's going on with your husband, ex-husband. Oh, God. The fucking magician. The wizard.

The warlock. Yeah, finally. Well, I just couldn't. I don't even know what it was. But when I got the job at the radio station, that piece of shit had a part-time job at walgreens and he quit it a week later and then and so and then that is when i walgreens yeah and that was like his first job in a million years yeah years i got him the last job he got at the porn store and anyway so he's never worked and he's quit every fucking job anytime i've tried got a little ahead or something good happened to me he would just bail and so we've

never been able to like move forward or do stuff anyway it's been a nightmare for like 10 years so um finally i just was i got sick of it i don't know what happened to me. I just, I can do better. Even if I'm alone, I'm fucking better. And I told him I wanted a divorce. And he kept going, babe, come on. You don't mean that. You love me. And then, I don't know, he got drunk and he pissed on some stuff.

And I flipped the fuck out. Yeah, I went nuts. And then I went and picked up the divorce papers at the courthouse. And when I did that, I snuggled them like they were kittens. I just, I touched them on my face. And the clerk looked at me and he goes, that bad, huh? Oh, yeah. You have no fucking idea.

Wait till you see pisses on stuff is part of the reason I have to get a divorce. Yeah, is that what you cited as uncleanable stains? Yes! Reconcilable stains. Oh, God, I'm just done, and it feels great. And you're playing the field a little bit. Yeah, playing the field a little bit.

Boy toys here and again. And he still lives there. Yeah, he still lives there. But he's there till the start of the month. And then I'm driving him over to his new place where he lives with another magician. And I told him, I said, I told him, I said, I will drive you over to that fucking little groupie magician love nest.

And you can, you're so lucky. I was going to tell her, you're going to produce the reality show too? Come on, we've got to see this. It's the even couple. How many magicians can't disappear themselves?

That's the easiest thing. No, they all need a woman to help them. He disappears and then he's like, babe, ride, I'm in the car,

I'm in the car, babe. Oh, yeah, I'll take you. No problem. Because he doesn't have a driver's license. He's never driven. So I told him, I said, then on November 1st, I will drive you. In his defense, he is 14.

No, no, no. I'm sorry. No, you're right, Annie. He's 41. I don't want him, Mom. He's 41. I don't want him, Mom! He's 41. Hannigan was asking on the drive down, you don't have any, all your kids are adults now, right? All my kids are gone, yeah.

Do any of them live with you? No, no, they're all gone. They're all gone. Yeah, everybody's gone. That's fucking wonderful. They're all doing great. They're all in college or graduated college or, yeah, all got significant others happy. Chad's daughter's about to go to a college of sorts a

scholarship yeah it's a job maybe less with good behavior i tried to get her to go into job course she didn't do it and ended up where i knew she would be going the penitentiary she's not she's not been sentenced but we did meet her. And if you're a longtime listener of this podcast, you've heard a million stories about how she's making Chad's hair fall out year by year. Not in the beard area. We finally met her after the haunted house. Jenny and the daughter showed up. And she was not at all what I expected.

She's a sweetheart. No, she is a hellion. But she giggles about it. I can't believe I'm inside your bed. But she's a sweet kid. She's just turned 21. Well, that's why he hasn't murdered her. That's why.

You didn't kill her. I expected some tweak marks. Well, she was a twin. There's only one left. No, she's a good kid. She's real pretty. The other day, I made a joke. I said, finally raising somebody else's brown kid paid off.

Because she went to a party the other night, a Halloween party. And she came back with a bottle of Tito's vodka. And I was like, where'd you get that? And she goes, I don't like vodka, Dad, but I know you like it, so I got this for you. She's like, I won third place in a Halloween costume. And I go, you're not wearing a fucking Halloween costume. She's like, oh, I just tell everybody I was a Mexican, which she is.

So she's just a brown chick dressed regularly, but she's cute. So she won third place, and I got free vodka. So finally, I get something out of this deal. Was her mother Mexican at all? Yeah, her mother's Mexican. Okay, so that's... You know how this works, right? I was going to say, you couldn't figure out it's not your real kid.

Her mother's Mexican, and I think her father is, too. Buenos. Si? Portuguese. Her mother's Mexican, and I think her father is, too. Buenos dias. Portuguese. Portuguese? Yeah, South American. Simplemente Maria. Not white. No.

Her DNA test came back and said not white at all, so I don't have to take one. No. Oh, yeah. It's not you. Yeah. Oh, wow. Pocahontas. Yeah, that was a fun night.

Yeah. Well, it's a shame she's going to prison. Maybe not. Who knows? Yeah, if she does, it won't be for very long and it'll actually do her good. Yeah, she had a real good head about it. She'll get a haircut. Three hots and a cot. That's what they say.

And all the pussy you can eat for a month. Yeah. Yeah. Nothing that. Man, get her a GoPro. She did. She did that. She did that.

It was just her birthday. You get her a GoPro. I'm not watching that shit. Well, put her on Twitch. Can't she do a Twitch for her? Get them numbers going. Pink is the new orange. Wait a minute.

Maybe I'll stream her from my Twitch. You may be on this stuff. I can't get tips. Wait a minute. Pink is the new orange? I don't want that to be lost. That was funny. Yeah, yeah.

I think I might get on this Twitch. I'd get kicked off immediately. Yeah, I Twitch when I jerk off. It'd be five seconds. Yeah, I don't need to broadcast that to nobody. I do, but I don't need to. Oh, but wait. Get to your radio story, Christine.

Oh, yeah. Well, we've had, okay, so there's this thing. We've had a couple threats to my life. Well, kind of. We had like a- Like a weight? Well, we've had some stalkers, and then we had this situation where, okay, so I tell the story on-

Listen, they're called listeners now. It's terrestrial radio. No, like psycho like we had a psycho guy and then we had this this other situation where i tell the story on the air this is maybe like two months ago so i stole a kilo of cocaine from uh somebody like in when i worked at the porn store and it was relevant a long time ago yeah this was a long time ago story so i told the story on the air like what's what happened um so i'm at the porn store. And it was relevant. Oh, a long time ago. Yeah, this was a long time ago. You told the story. So I told the story on the air. Like, this is what happened.

So I'm at the porn store, and I hear that there was this Mexican guy that would come in, and he's wearing a cowboy hat and a gold tooth and a big belt buckle, and he'd smile at me, you know? And then he'd go, and he'd get the bathroom key, and then he'd go in the bathroom, and I'd hear him clickety-clink, clink, clink. And then he'd walk out, but he's not washing his hands or peeing or nothing i can't

hear shit in there so i know he's up to something and then like five minutes later like this skinny weird looking white guy would come in like a sideways baseball hat and a tank top and jean shorts kenny yeah oh yeah basically so yeah. Basically. Younger and fresher. Kind of Kenny would come in and he would get the bathroom key and he would clankety clank and not pee or wash his hands too. So I was like, they're fucking, I drink dropping off drugs. So I, after the one time the Mexican guy comes in, I go in after him and I lift up the back of the toilet and in there is a brick of cocaine

and i was like whoa yeah so i take it and um i really just wanted to like try to mom them you know what i mean i was like you guys don't use my store as a drug drop my porn store is just for fucking and hookers don't you dirty dogs this is not okay george michael cocksucking yeah fine we have one rule here literally one rule so i was like senator craig what was the uh it's wide stance the wide stance yeah you do the wide stance so that is like i just i was gonna give it back him. But so then the white guy comes in and he starts looking for this cocaine. And then I hear clank, clank, clank, clank. And then he starts tearing up the bathroom.

I think panicking because he comes out and he goes, has somebody been in the bathroom? Has anybody? And I'm just sitting there calm as a cucumber. I go, oh nobody nobody's been there but somebody i mean somebody came in like a mexican guy came in with a cowboy hat and a gold tooth and big belt buckle and that's all i saw and he goes oh god are you sure nobody's been in there okay can i go back in and check again i go yeah no problem and he goes back in and he's freaking

out and you remember like in that scene in ghost where um the guy that patrick swayze is like the guy that killed patrick swayze and he's just fucking patrick so he's like fucking with him and he's like who's doing this who are you and he's got that flop sweat that is what this guy does he freaks out he's just pacing back and forth he's up pale sick to his stomach he goes oh my god oh my fucking god and then that as as more scared as he gets i start going oh my god i think i fucked up like i can't hand him this guy all over portland oh my god i thought yeah i'm in so big trouble now i can't give him back the cocaine so or nor can i get caught with it because i realized this is some big shit i did i was just for having some

fun i was just i was just like, hey, see what can happen if you leave your cocaine out? Some asshole takes it. I'm just going to say yes to everything this year. It's called cocaine fever. It happens to all of us when you see a large amount of cocaine. You're not thinking right.

It's like when you're playing a slot machine and you've lost a little bit, but you think you'll win. Marilyn Manson comes into that same toilet and comes out. Has anyone been in this bathroom? I've got a gig in four hours. I've got to go. Well, anyway, so then I call up. So the white guy leaves.

I call up one of my friends who deals in this kind of thing. And I said, can you please come to the store? Because I have an emergency. I've got to get this out of the store because if they come with a gun or I just thought maybe if they look behind the counter, it's just sitting right there. So I go, can you please come and pick this up? And he goes, yeah, okay.

So he comes and he looks at it and he goes, how much do you want for it? And I said, you know, it was close to Christmas. So I go, well, the kids need an Xbox. So if I just get a couple hundred dollars. Air Jordan size 12 and a half wide. Not even. You didn't even talk about doing a consignment deal? No.

I thought I was a sucker at a car lot. I know. I'm sitting here going, you don't even negotiate, idiot. Anyway, I lost $20,000. So I did. I just go, just get it out of here. Yeah, just give me a couple hundred dollars so I can get the kids an Xbox for Christmas, and then that's, fuck it, whatever.

Just get it away from me. And so he's like, no problem. Hands me the cash, leaves, whatever, cocaine's gone. No problem. And then, yeah, it's easy. And then, anyway, so then the guy... You didn't even taste your own supply? No, I didn't get any of it. I didn't get shit.

Well, you can always do the sour grapes thing. I mean, I think I bought some later. I'm pretty sure I got some. She gave the kids Xbox after Christmas. When she bought the Xbox. She bought the Xbox at a thrift store. Spent the rest on blow. Mom, this is last year the Xbox. She bought the Xbox at a thrift store and spent the rest on blow. Mom, this is last year's Xbox.

This isn't the one we wanted. I called the same guy. I called the same guy. No, I did. Like a month later, I was like, anyway, and then I paid for that.

You're right. I got fucked. Anyway. Yeah, you did. Okay, so anyway, so I tell the story on the air and I have told the story recently on a rail like two months ago i told it on tucson radio and then um and i've told the story before like on the mexican calls in okay don't get ahead of her this is so then all of a sudden the phones light up and it is every every dealer in town that goes oh my god that's the blah blah

blah cartel you are gonna die you you need to watch your car you are gonna die they are gonna kill you now that they know that you did that because and i've told this story before nobody's ever done that before but of course in fucking tucson this town i'm gonna get murdered. Well, you're here for a reason. I can't retire and still not have some kind of side business. Vicente! That's right, they're here for a reason. The exact same guy with the cowboy hat and the gold tooth. In comes Vicente, like, in the door.

That's what I mean. Every guy I see with a cowboy hat And there's everywhere I spend a lot of my time being paranoid You kind of got your guard down a little Because you are dating Presently a Hispanic fella And they would never infiltrate your world

Yeah, no Anyway I think that's a podcast Call it a podcast Where we are We're just switching from Anyway, I think that's a podcast. Call it a podcast. Yeah. Where we are, we're just switching from mimosas to, I want to a Bailey's whiskey coffee. Isn't it just like saying that's love or that's a podcast? I'm ready to transfer.

It's something you can't measure. And don't forget Christine Levine. You can hear Weekday Mornings on The Frank Show in Tucson, and she runs her own comedy show at The Mint in Tucson every Tuesday night at 8 o'clock. Stand-up comedy, Chad Shank. Don't forget to sign

up through Amazon Prime or just spend the money twitch.tv slash hd underscore fatty on twitch. tv and get fucking weird playing video games with chad and act like you have a friend and he's gonna act like he has a friend and greg chaley is selling my shitty dell trailers vintage 1964 nomad and something that is kind of like it. But the tin can rehab trailer is for sale. So you ask me, hey, how can I quit drinking and smoking and doing all these bad things to myself?

Buy my trailer, come down, pick it up, make sure you have a trailer hitch, and then spend 30 days in it. Far away from alcohol and cigarettes or meth or IUDs. I mean, 2C-B. You know what? Sober October. Worked out. Sober Octobert. Either way.

Yeah, you know what? It worked out for the most part for me. And I've fallen off here and again, but it's the healthiest I've been in 20 years. Good job. And so as this turns into November, we're going to continue this on to an extent, and we're going to do Remember November, where we drink a bit, but we try to not get blackout drunk, so we remember to not get blackout drunk so we remember what we did the night before.

Nice. So we got to buy Adderall. Half measures available. That's what I was just getting ready to say, so we're getting to do Adderall all through November, right on. I'm up for that. Which month rhymes with cocaine? I'll come around.

I'll come around a little more often. And with that We're out Thanks for listening Sometimes I wonder My friend Why I keep trying The ways I'm under Got me swimming

My heart tangled up In confusion, I've got a breakthrough, listen by. These days they roll on by, but they're all the same. The sun, it shines in a blue sky, but it feels like rain. The sun, it shines in a blue sky, but it feels like day. Tangled up in confusion, I've got a breakthrough, does it rhyme? It's the same old story, but a different day. If you could help me, I could find a way You've got something that keeps me coming back And I may feel I'm lost but I'm on the right track Things get processed till I keep holding on.

The varsity deep into my mouth. And found the strength it takes to rise. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Well, I was up early this morning It felt like death That shovel just tore right through me, I had to fight for breath Tangled up and through, yeah, I gotta break through this and rise Keep telling me this too will pass But I know that I'm Getting caught up in the same old business

I'm gonna move on by Tangled up in confusion I gotta break through the same lies If you could help me just a little bit please I'd find a reason and a way to believe You've got something that keeps me coming back And I may feel I'm wrong But I'm on the right track

Things make no sense till I keep holding on Cause I'm asking too deep into my mind And by mistake it takes To rise Take the days to rise again. Can you ask me who's been so good? Hey, Andy, move closer to the bar. Okay. Physically. Yeah. Hey, Andy, move closer to the bar. Okay. Physically.

Yeah. No, emotionally. Alright. Well, as opposed to dragging the mic out or something, maybe. Good point. Save it for the podcast, funny man.