The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #286: Remember November with Morgan Murphy

Episode Date: November 21, 2018

Doug, Morgan Murphy, Chad and Hennigan get fired up over deleting tweets and all the shit you ever said on Twitter. Email your questions for the podcast to [e-mail] Black Friday Merch Sale Starts Nov. 23rd and runs through Dec 17th to guarantee on time holiday delivery (Domestic orders only). THis year we are featuring a never before sold online item - **STOLEN HOTEL BIBLES, Signed and Personalized (while supplies last).**Also, we have a new Podcast Coffee Mug and the last of the VHS copies of “Popov Vodka presents Doug Stanhope in the Funhouse”. [http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/) Recorded Oct. 29th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Morgan Murphy (@morganmurphy), Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), Chad Shank (HDFatty), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille This episode is sponsored by [Robinhood.com](http://www.Stanhope.Robinhood.com) – Robin hood is the investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFS, options and Cryptos - all commission free. Robinhood is giving our podcast listeners a FREE stock like Apple, Ford, or Sprint to help build your portfolio just for signing up at **[Stanhope.Robinhood.com](http://www.Stanhope.Robinhood.com)**. [LiftMode.com](http://www.LiftMode.com) – Liftmode L-Theanine capsules and dozens of other supplements are available on Amazon, Walmart and Liftmode.com. Use coupon code **STANHOPE** to save 20% off your first order. [BlueApron.com](http://www.BlueApron.com) - Blue Apron guarantees the freshness of all your ingredients and delivers them in an insulated box right to your door. Check out this week’s menu and get your first 3 meals free at [www.BLUEAPRON.com/STANHOPE](http://www.BLUEAPRON.com/STANHOPE). [Twitch.tv](http://www.Twitch.tv) - Interact with Chad Shank while he tries to conquer video games. Go to [Twitch.tv](http://www.Twitch.tv), search **@HD_Fatty** and subscribe. If you have an Amazon Prime account it's free. Instructions are pinned up top on Chad's Twitch page. LINKS - Hennigan suggests picking up “Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder (Incerto)” by Nassim Nicholas Taleb - [https://www.amazon.com/Antifragile-Things-That-Disorder-Incerto/dp/0812979680](https://www.amazon.com/Antifragile-Things-That-Disorder-Incerto/dp/0812979680) We like what they are doing over at [FIRRP.org](http://www.firrp.org) - Check it out Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org) Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag" (Instrumental) Written and Performed by Scotty Conant - [www.soundcloud.com/scottyconant](http://www.soundcloud.com/scottyconant)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast click someone make this lady a drink what are you drinking morgan murphy no no it's not listen this is an evergreen. This might be coming out Thanksgiving week. When this comes out, it is Remember November, meaning we still drink, but we don't get blackout drunk. We remember. I remember. I didn't get that drunk. Remember November. So this will be airing, but I haven't seen you in a long time.

It's been like a month, over a month. Not here. Where did I see you? I don't know. I don't know either. You haven't been here when I was here in a month. I know. It's been a while.

You said over a month. I said it's been at least a month. Hold the mic towards you. You don't have to go too far. Okay. I forgot how things work. You're a porn director. Pull it towards your mouth.

I just got off the car. A little water would be amazing right now. Tell Gump, you know. That's off-brand. Yeah, I just got, Doug, I wanted to take a shower. I wanted to settle in. You had a hat on. That's why we didn't hug you when you came in. We wanted to, but we heard you didn't shower.

You got a hat? Wait, you just drove from the airport, not from LA? No, from Los Angeles. Oh, Jesus. I have left you two messages, and you didn't call me back, but you liked my tweet, so I knew you didn't hate my guts. I didn't hate your guts. Because I always worry I hate my guts.

I gave you a shout-out the other day on the old Twitter about your nationalism bit, and it's more relevant than ever. That's true. Thanks. I've been ignoring Twitter for sober times. Yeah. I mean, I'll tweet, but if I read more than three comments, there's someone who pisses me off where I want to drink and smoke and kill them.

I think I'm now only on Twitter to comment on Twitter. I think I'm only on Twitter because I feel like I know I shouldn't be on Twitter. My life isn't any better for it. That being said, I feel like I should be aware of things that are going on, even if they're awful, and that's one of them. Wait, he's supposed to be forcing yourself to live in the atrocities.

I'm forcing people to see, like, if the country is going to shit, I just want to see how and why, and like, I feel like it would be, I could live in a sort of ignorant way and not know, but I feel like I'm supposed to know. You know what I mean? It's like knowing what kids are listening to and stuff.

Everything you're describing is why I've muted almost everybody that I follow on Twitter. No, I follow people who hate me on purpose. It's so awful. I never on Twitter. No, I follow people who hate me on purpose. It's so awful. I never get to a place where I can figure out if it's okay to follow Trump until I realized

I don't watch him in the news so why would I care what he says? I've never followed him. I don't follow any big I don't follow the Kardashian, whoever's got the most people. I don't follow Trump and I have never wanted to, I see his tweets I don't want the Kardashian, whoever's got the most people. I don't follow Trump, and I have never wanted to. I see his tweets. I don't want to yell back except the World Series tweet, because I thought that's my thing, and you don't take it.

All right. Morgan, you haven't been down in quite a while. Right. And I really missed you. It was just your birthday. Yeah. And you went to was just your birthday. Yeah. And you went to Vegas, I heard. Uh-huh.

And I left you a message. I go, hey, it's Morgan Murphy's birthday because I saw someone tweet it. And then everyone from Gump to the ex, Mrs. Gump. And, oh, yeah, we already called. And then I left you a message, which is really even... Joby is here. Yeah. He sets his birthday on Facebook to April Fool's Day

because that's the day that a million people you haven't heard from in 20 years... Oh, I hope you have a happy... But then it's the Dodgers, and you're a Dodgers fan with a Dodgers tattoo. And we hate the Dodgers. No, I believe me. I was very not like Joby was kind enough. And for most games to send me some sort of fuck you text about the world

series. Yeah. Which one of my, you know, which one of the people on, on my team was going to be awful. You know, like one of the people on my team was going to be awful. Well, Puig is the worst.

He fucking licks his back. It's as disgusting as Steph Curry dangling his fucking mouthpiece out like he's a raver on fucking... It worked, though. It worked. It's not like you get up here and say, well, it's like Kenley Jansen, if he licked his ball, maybe it didn't. He did well.

I thought it was a metaphor for like, I'm going to stick this in your ass. Before I go on stage, I jerk off on the opener, but I kill every night. It works. You know what? Louis C.K. didn't kill every night. But I did because I jerked off on the opener. Point being, I missed you. And then I said,

the second night, when it wasn't your birthday, I contacted you again saying, I think your birthday in Vegas is kind of hurting our relationship, because I can't talk shit about the Dodgers in the World Series. Well, I'm sorry. I should have

called you back. If it was the bad news bears playing. I should have considered your feelings. I should have called you back. I should have thought about you. I forgot that you're in a place where... No, you've been calling fucking Gump and everyone else in my social circle. Full disclosure, I was like, I don't like to call you when I think you'll remember it and I thought you weren't drinking.

Fair enough. That's fair enough. Point being, I missed you. And at some point I thought... That's nice. Because I know. More than anyone, I bust your balls and I pick on you a lot. Not more than anyone.

More than anyone, really? Yeah. Well, I noticed that I hadn't picked on anyone more than you in a long time. And I realized I miss you. And I really did and do, even if it's just to pick on you. Aw, thank you. That's so sweet. So welcome home.

Thank you. How long are you here for, Barker? I don't know. I had an old gump over there and stuff. I had a bed. This is a fun story. I had this extra bed, so I thought I'd drive it out instead of buy one here. So I just thought, I'll get the

bed out, and then I'll, you know, see when I need to be back. Now the bed's here. Where's the dog? I didn't bring the dog because I didn't know what my trip was going to be like, And the dog is only registered as an emotional support animal on one airline right now because everyone needs

new paperwork. So I was worried I wouldn't be able to get him back. It was a whole thing. So you drove out your flying bag. Yeah, I drove out flying bag. You got a one-way rental? No, I have it in my truck that I keep in Arizona, but I drove it out last time so I could bring furniture

back and save money by not buying new stuff. You have a truck? Yeah, I got a truck. She has an Arizona truck. Are you not listening? I have a truck that I keep in Arizona because I love it. Rub it in his face. I didn't want to rent a car every single time I was

here and I didn't want to drive 10 hours every single time I wanted to be here. You are the perfect dominatrix for Hennigan right now. What? You own what? He wanted a truck. Only because I like trucks, and I want one. Look at my truck. Look at it.

Envy it, you filthy fucking uncut Scotchman. I just, like, shove my purchases in his face. Only if they're truck-based. It doesn't help that his chair is, like, a childlike level below us. I keep wanting to lift Hennigan up. Oh, no, they're truck based it doesn't help that his chair is like a childlike level below us I keep wanting to lift Hennigan out oh no they're

at the same they're at the same level they're at the same level his feet are swinging big woman and a short

short man Hennigan you cannot if uh if Doug has a um a couple phone books you could drive my truck and just try it out

oh that's kind of you. Thank you. Thanks very much, Scarecrow woman. I feel like Scarecrows have a very ideal body type, actually. I don't think we've talked to you on the podcast since I destroyed our careers. What would you do? I did Roseanne. Oh, yeah, you did Roseanne.

And you wrote for Roseanne. I did. So I did the final episode. You did the last ever episode of Roseanne. Oh, yeah, you did Roseanne. And you wrote for Roseanne. I did. So I did the final episode. You did the last ever episode of Roseanne. And you wrote the last ever episode of Roseanne. I wrote one like five before that. But, yeah, I wrote. Yeah, I wrote.

It's been a fun year. I wrote on Roseanne. I opened for Louis. I opened for Doug. They didn't invite you back to write for Killing Roseanne? No, I have a really... Honestly, everyone there was amazing. The people who moved on and did that show were great.

Did you have an opportunity to work on the new corners? Yeah, I did, but it was a very amicable... I had other things going on. And also, there was, you know, I... You're on with George Lopez. Oh, I did a pilot. I was doing a pilot when all the shit went. I hadn't been there.

I hadn't been there for three, four months when there was, like, K.I. Because we wrapped the last episode December of 2017. So people don't, I think, realize that we started writing, like, May, June of 2017. So it was just, it was, and the country changed. It was just, there was so much chaos around it that I was, you know, I had other things that were less chaotic. But it was unfortunate. It bummed me out, because, I don't know, you know why.

Yeah, you can't talk about it openly well it's not even the stuff i can't talk about openly doesn't even matter at this point the stuff that i you know for me like personally like when we were there it was a really positive experience and then it it's weird to be gone from something and then see chaos ensue and sort of not know what to do with it. And not be, I'm not, I wasn't, I was there part-time. As a woman who enjoys giant black basketball cock, you can attest to,

Roseanne is not a racist person. She's an insane person. Beautifully insane. Functionally insane. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know. I feel like I got... I'm speaking for you.

You just keep denying. I'm going to speak for you. I just feel like I was very... It was like every time something chaotic happened, I was adjacent to it. And it felt... There were a few months where I just didn't... I needed to kind of hide.

You're talking about her crazy. I'm talking about everything kind of going on and like comedy and feeling like I had, you know, uh, you know, the Roseanne thing was, everything was crazy. And then there's just also, um, you know, stupid things that just seem to be blowing up that where I see more of my friends getting sort of in trouble when I understand people who do sort of egregious stuff and being punished for it but

it's just a lot there's a lot right now on every spectrum yeah on every spectrum and there's no way to really talk about it other than in the sort of context of like a friendly conversation with friends or or not on the air or whatever but yeah green room conversations yeah not just green room conversations like not recorded conversations no you know like i feel like uh people you know just print interviews everything's reduced to uh clickbait now it just it kills me because i want i fucking hate Trump. I want us to win. It makes me mad from a

person on the side of, let's just fucking get him out. And then stop yelling at each other. Where I was going to write a thing when the Louis thing came out. And I had several incarnations of a Me Too bit, but then the Me Too thing

kept going. This is an over. It's like if 9-11 kept happening and another building dropped and another building and another. I gotta wait till it's over to write the bit. Well, the crazy thing is I wouldn't even know, and I feel like I can sleep at night knowing that the thoughts in my head

are of sort of some moral integrity. But I wouldn't know what I'd be allowed to say out loud that wouldn't offend some subsection, some group of loud people. I don't know who it would be. That's such a shitty position to be in when you're trying to work. It's hard because chances are if you think it's wrong, I also think it's wrong. And if you think it's good, I think it's good. Occasionally I disagree. But the stuff I just can't stand right now is that I'm –

They would take a piece out of the sentence and say she said this. Just like – No, exactly. That's – Political ads where they're, oh, yeah, you want to hire this for a governor? He said – and they give you three words out of context. Well, the problem, too, is, you know, I feel like I tweeted something.

I try to, it's hard because I don't want to be on Twitter, and yet when I'm on there, I sometimes feel like, oh, I have to say that even though I know it does me no good personally or professionally. Or otherwise. Or otherwise, but, like, there is stuff where I just go, I just think,

I think the one thing that people really need to do is be like, everyone needs to be just, first of all, the, the far right white nationalist fringe. I'm not even including that in like the everybody. I just mean like regular people, a little smarter about what information you sort of regurgitate back into the

world. Because like, I think journalists are kind of doing a great, I've read a lot of articles that are great. little smarter about what information you sort of regurgitate back into the world because like i think journalists are kind of doing a great i've read a lot of articles that are great and then the headline is sort of as sort of tells you what the article is and then the tweet about the article is so completely not remote remotely reflective of the article. And I just, I feel, like, I feel bad for, I feel really bad for, like, reporters and journalists because it's, I always, like, I was thinking about it. Like, if I wrote a great show, maybe one day that'll happen.

If I wrote, like, a great script and then I handed it in, they were like, love it, it's going to go on the air. We're going to call it, you know, like, you know, Fart Nazi or something. And I'm like, please don't call it Fart Nazi. I worked really hard. It's about a doctor. I please don't call it fart nazi i worked really hard about a doctor i just don't think that would be like it would just and then everyone would go don't watch fart nazi it looked if fart nazi that's a terrible thing i go no no no no please

read the script like please please and that's how i feel about like i've read i have been tricked by clickbait into reading some great articles where i click on it and i go oh this is going to be bad and then i oh, that was a very kind of philosophical take on that issue that I didn't think. I thought that was just going to be I think that's just called being tricked by clickbait.

The problem is clickbait used to be kind of reserved a little bit more for trash subject matter. Salacious. You wouldn't understand how this child star looks now. Now it's all trash subject matter.

Right, but now it's like legitimate stories are sort of reduced to that. And I understand the financial motivation behind it, but it's like I'm just trying to get a story. You and I would have conversations throughout, even at the beginning of Me Too, and Me Too encompasses a lot of stuff. Someone said something racist, someone said something

shitty, someone was caught on, you know, fucking TM shit. But we would talk where you would say Well, don't say what I would say. Well, I'm saying where you go, I could never go public with this, especially on Twitter where you can't make it a succinct argument.

But I think you learn with certain people who've gone public just with their stories. And it's just there's no right way to say anything. And I don't think any of my life stories are personally that fascinating or important no no no we don't have a lot of requests for you what you guys are talking about just happened right now I don't know if you guys are like veiled referencing it but I've been listening to a lot of Howard Stern this week and Sarah Silverman did an interview with Howard Stern and then they took a sound but they took a sound bite of whatite of what she said and not in context. I tweeted about that.

And it's like, I know it's funny because I know the friends of mine or maybe former. I don't know if they, it's weird when you write something and you go, I know that somebody I care about is going to not like me for this but i also feel like if anytime i've tweeted something like hey guys x y or z is not the enemy something along those lines it's been a broad spectrum of people from kathy griffin to kurt metz whoever it is like who i feel like if if i see something happening to somebody and their words taken out of context in a situation all all I think is, okay, I could definitely be in their position, and I'm only doing what I hope to God another person, a peer, would do for me. And it's almost like OCD guilt. It's not like being a good person.

It's like if I don't say something, then no one's going to stand up for me when something's being misinterpreted. Well, two things. One, you talked me out i was going to write an op-ed piece right at one point with the louis ck i think it was yeah and you told me you complained about all these people that are writing op-ed pieces just to get their name involved in the movement no i think, I also think people genuinely think that their op is important.

That being said, it's often... Sarah Silverman is important. Sarah is important, but... She's not committal as much as she should. But what she was talking about was... The problem with all this stuff is that female comedians, especially, can't avoid being asked about it. Specifically, like, I guess my generation, a little bit older, like anyone who's worked with anybody who's been sort of like me too to whatever.

And at some point it's like, I don't know what you want me to say anymore. Like I if I said I that what I literally I was about to say if I said something hypothetically and even that I feel like you know what I mean? Like hypothetically

Let me make this about me because it's the Doug Stano podcast being pigeonholed at all where I fucking Hennigan has to shake his head when I have to do and you're very controversial and is there any step you won't where I, fucking Hennigan, has to shake his head when I have to do,

and you're very controversial. And is there any step you won't, is there any subject you won't talk about? I'm not, you find, so getting pigeonholed at all. You're controversial, but you're not. You're answering the same questions. Right. What does it feel like to be a female comic is my, is there any line in the sand?

I've been getting the what's it like being the female writer, the female comedian. Haven't you always got that, though? I have, but I also had the sort of fortune, misfortune of starting. This was 18 years. I i started and then for a while and i'm not defending this i i mean it certainly wasn't in my power but i was for many shows the only female on the staff so i got asked about that a lot and i just like i don't i don't know what it's always the same questions right so no matter how you're pigeonholed, you get the Ralphie May talking about,

oh, hey, you're a really fat comic. What's it like to steal everybody's jokes? Okay. Yeah, no, it's fine. I'll talk about it, but I don't know what, I don't know how to,

I don't know what people want. Well, again, the problem is, I think it might come down to the audience is always wrong because, uh, worst part of comedy, but yeah, but in the sense that,

I mean, uh, inside baseball in the last week, was it five days? Jen Friedman's little, uh, Twitter screen where she talked about a review of a show she did. Oh, Kirkman, yeah, where they brought up him

in her review. Jen Kirkman, basically. And the review was basically she didn't talk about the subjects I wanted her to talk about. Well, no, it was, she got pissed because it was that she's been, you know, it's funny because I had Kirkman and Sasha Leggero and Meryl Marko and

Bonnie McFarlane over the other night. We had like a ladies' comedian day. Hang on. We have an over-under name-dropping, but you have to name-drop people our listeners. Well, no. I was kidding. It was like a great women in comedy hang, and Kirkman is, you know, we've had very different experience in the past, but she's's, she's gotten in trouble for not saying enough, for saying too much, for not doing, you know, and, and they won't stop

asking her. It's like, it's, you're only giving opportunities to make people other people's enemies who aren't the enemy. Like, I don't know what. This is what I need to know as much as my listeners. This is what I need to know as much as my listeners. When you say gut into trouble and people are asking, who are the people and what is the trouble? It's so funny because I always, now when everyone says, yeah, everyone's saying this or people are saying this, I'm like, who?

And now I'm guilty of doing that. Good. I just mean, well, for the most part, if I say people, then it usually refers to social media. Right, which is not representative of people. No, it's not representative. Who was the coach yesterday? They were asking him about, what do you feel about people on Twitter? And he was like, Twitter, I don't give a Twitter.

He just goes, ah, people sitting at home with bills unpaid. That's true. Twitter. Twitter. Like the playoffs. This is what I wish. They are who we thought we were. I wish I could talk about Twitter with the attitude of like a 70-year-old football coach

who just like is like, I ignore it. I don't care. I move on with my life. But yeah, no, I felt awful for Jen because it's the same thing. Kind of a similar way. It's just like stop making other people responsible for somebody else's choice and don't give them, don't put them in a corner where they have to, where they have to somehow think of the magical four words

that will please everybody. No one will right now. Things are too contentious and, when everybody's allowed to voice their opinion. I felt awful the other day for Stan Hope because I listened to that Howard Stern interview and she, Sarah Silverman was I listened to that Howard Stern interview. And Sarah Silverman was talking about this.

And Howard Stern says, have any other comedians ever pulled their dick out in front of you? And she said, um, no. And I went, oh, that is so disrespectful. For the listener that's not on Twitter, when that came out, I have a picture of me pulling my dick out in front of Sarah Silverman, P. Waits, Hennigan's neighbor, my old flame for a minute. Yeah. I thought for sure it was going to be the next sentence

going to be, Doug Stanholm has done that. That's what we would refer to as green room comedy which really was a mental conflict when trump said uh that's just locker room talk and you go well you know what any honest comedian would go we're way worse in a green room except that there's the funny thing is i always felt like i could kind of say for the most part what i've seen what i've witnessed what i've experienced like tell my story

because in my head i go well nothing i've never done anything egregious or awful or evil or even kind of been a part of it i mean i've been part of stuff that's like edgy or dirty or whatever that's like yeah in the context of a party setting and now i look back and i go i guess you don't like i was 22 and somebody was like naked in the bathroom I'm just talking about the explicit level of completely inappropriate jokes. Right. Retard, faggot. Everything goes in a green room

because we're all comics and we're jaded. So I'm not talking about finger-fucking you in a green room. You haven't said it in a long time, but you said it before on a podcast and I always thought it was funny. It's comedians are better people. Oh, no, I've said that on stage. I've recorded

that. We're better fucking people. I don't listen to your podcast about working at UPS Graveyard. That's the thing is that a lot of, also a lot of people have been like, oh, that person does this and that person does this. I go, you're talking about some of the best human beings I know.

Like, that's, I think, why I got a little mad about the Sarah thing is I go, this is not just a person who, like, didn't commit a crime. This is a person who is, for most of the people who are upset, an ally to them on a daily basis, politically and socially, and trying to do something good. And that's where it kills me. That's where, coming from, I'm like, I'm such a borderline socialist, and people are yelling at me, like, don't say that word, and I'm like, I'm on your side! The problem is that

we, when we repeat this, give credibility to whatever media outlet is saying, the world is angry at Sarah. No. Two people on Twitter were angry and they can create this problem.

There's no one fucking angry. Show me the person that's fucking angry. Well, the people that were angry were some comics and the people I was talking to were kind of the same comics and I know it's like a bit of a subtweet to a group, but, you know, and there were people who didn't know who I was talking about when I said Sarah's not the enemy. I just don't think there's any way to win right now. We talked about it a lot as we age, a lot of our friends get.

We used to just be partying, fucked up on ecstasy. What was in your ass? I don't know. Was that yours? And then as we get older, people are professional. So you can't talk. So the same way you can't talk about some things that might lose you a job, you can't take a stand. Yeah, I can take, yeah.

But I'm saying on a personal level, we also run into those problems, like just podcasting. Yeah, that's our neighbor. Yeah. Last month I was talking shit about some lady who used to run a restaurant in town and I saw her living as a hoarder and she was a dick to us just as a restaurateur she was a dick to us and i was happy and i like i have to obfuscate this story so much because i don't want someone local knowing i'm

shitting on a lady who's probably really down on her luck. I was just, for a minute, I had schadenfreude. But when it gets to a place where you go, I can't say that out loud. It's also not just saying things out loud for the now. I think that people, I think even five years ago, I don't think there was an immediate awareness of how things last on the Internet. And I think that people now are aware in the moment that it's happening, that it will exist forever. And that's why it's hard to have a wildly concise,

articulate thought, an improvised thought that makes sense, that makes people happy. Yeah, it's... I don't know. an improvised thought that makes sense, that makes people happy. I, yeah, it's, uh, I don't know. I hope that in the future people take all that shit with the grain of salt that it should be taken with. Is it? Well,

that's the thing too, is that the place, the place of the countries in right now is like, that's the reason that you, that's everyone is, you know, everyone's on edge and everyone's waiting. Because everybody has an outlet to say something.

They do, but. And they never have before. And also, my daughter was asking me, we were talking about politics the other day, and I said, politics has become like sports. Wrestling. But for people who are too dumb to understand sports. And they just want to look at memes and then claim that their side is winning based on the memes because that's that's the only outlet they have to learn stuff so it's

nobody voted for trump they voted for someone they hated in the office or voted against yeah but the reason they but the big thing is nobody voted look at the percentage of people that actually voted it doesn't matter Let's take a break. Let's get a cocktail on this. I need a cocktail. This poor woman just drove in, and we put her immediately on the microphone, because we're done with it. We have sports to watch. She has a shower to take, and we're all going to shower her in my brand new shower.

So we'll be right back after these messages. Please hold. Chaley, before we get to the sponsors this week, let's hump some merch. It's Black Friday. It's holiday season. And it's time for you to buy some Doug Stanhope shit for your friends and your relatives

for the Christmas and the Hanukkah and the Kwanzaa and whatever you do. What a great white elephant gift. No shit. Yeah. Yeah. First of all, we got the stolen hotel Bibles that we've been stocking up on while I haven't been on the road, but I have been traveling.

Those are personalized, autographed and personalized and sent to you. This Bible stolen exclusively for your name here by my name here. So those while supplies last. We have new podcast coffee mugs, which I haven't even seen. They're new. Oh, okay. They're white. Okay, good.

Yeah. And of course, I have my books at the DougStanhope.com store. I've got Chad Shank t-shirts. We still have some of the VHS of my last throwaway special, Papa Vodka Presents. That would be a great White Elephant gift. That would be the fucking one. Oh, that's wicked good.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's cheap, too. It's only available. It's under $20. So that's most offices. They've got those stupid rules. Also, we've got the abortion is green.

We've got that back in. We've got those white and in the banana cream. I like the banana cream. And we've got a couple of podcast shirts, the pop-up vodka shirt, bingo's book, stickers, gadgets, knickknacks. Oh, Death of a Salesman, the Christ on a cross with death of a salesman t-shirt. That'll make you a lot of friends at Christmas. I'm sure those will be going out the door. Fuck yes.

Dude, those sell year round. I know. It's great. It's a great shirt. And tis the season, right? Let's never forget.

And of course, CDs and DVDs and all that shit. So go to Doug, stand up.com and go to the store and load up your Black Friday, Cyber Monday, whatever the fuck that nonsense is. And I hope you're doing it for yourself and not someone else because you have to. And remember, anything that you buy from the Doug Stanhope store, I will autograph. But understand, my autograph is illegible. Buyer beware. And I got three letters all in one envelope from the UK. And the first

letter is completely indecipherable. The next one is a little less indecipherable, but still indecipherable. Then the third letter, in perfect printing, this guy writes a full fucking letter complaining about how my signature sucks. So to make a point, he sent three letters. I thought it was from three different people. And I was like, I can't fucking read this. He sent three letters. I thought it was from three different people.

And I was like, I can't fucking read this. And then I get to the second one. I can't fucking read this either. And then the third one that I can read, he wrote this same exact letter, word for word, three different times to make a point about how shitty my signature is. In ad nauseum. He goes into detail about, yeah, it's, that's even like the layout on that third one signed by Doug Stanhope. No fucking way.

Is that real? Or who's dubs, which is pretty much, you can pick out the D and the S. So, uh, yeah, that second one,

if it was on parchment, it would be like Thomas Jefferson manuscript or something. Yeah. Well done. So that was Ukulele something. What's his name? I can't tell. I got to get to the third.

Go to the legendary one. Will, Ukulele 1. Which is not his Twitter. I looked him up on Twitter. But very creative. You put a lot of fucking time and effort into that just to be a fucking dick. His script reminds me of Hedberg's. Yeah. When Hedberg had that. Bingo.

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you could not repeat one thing that he said. No, I'd put him on speakerphone, and no one had any idea what he was talking about, and I'd just go, yep, okay, go ahead. No idea. Now I know what the fuck I'm doing, to an extent, as much as I know anything. Robinhood makes it easy.

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Liftmode.com. Don't take pills if you don't know what's in them. The people at Liftmode are sick of all the bullshit health supplements being sold today. Liftmode doesn't sell useless products that don't work or hide behind secret formulas with made-up names so you don't know what you're putting in your body. Lift Mode sells only the purest supplements they can find, and they have a full array of screamers, zingers, bombers, and even bonarial aids. They do.

They have libido enhancing pills. Those were names you came up with. Those aren't on the website i've been to the website the website is is stunning the navigation at the top is calming energizing mood lifting aphrodisiac health promoting yeah and i renamed them boomers zingers blasters all right i just want to know that that's your uh your interpretation all right well if you don't like my uhphemisms, I'll tell you. The libido-enhancing one I saw is, I don't know how to pronounce this, icarin.

I-C-A-R-I-I-N. Icarin. It's a chemical compound classified as prenalated flavanol glycoside, a type of flavonoid. It's an 8-prenal derivative of camphorol 3-7-0 diglucicide. Yeah. How about boner-related? I like that better. It's a compound that's isolated from several species of plant belonging to the genus Epimedium,

which are commonly known as horny goat weed and yin-yang-hu. Which yin-yang-hu, that's as good as it gets. Yin-yang-hu. Anyway, they also have a new line of the L-theanine capsules. These are the ones that you brought up, right? No, Chad and I have been using those ever since they got in touch with us over a year ago. That's right. The L-theanine with the caffeine is a nice little pick-me-up.

I talked to Chad today. He was up late last night with his Twitch.tv. And part of his routine every day is before he gets on Twitch.tv, he'll take one of those. And it'll help him get a little energy, a little burst of energy before he gets on the TV in front of the kids playing the games. It says it helps moderate the side effects of caffeine. It's like taking a shot of espresso. The L-theanine helps like mellow playing the games. It says it helps moderate the side effects of caffeine. It's like taking a shot of espresso. The L-theanine helps mellow out the caffeine so you don't get that jittery feel. You don't get the jitters and the sweats and the bed shits and the-

Well, that might be something else in your diet, Doug. I think maybe you need to back up a little bit. Maybe too much beets in your smoothies. Try it risk-free. If you don't like a Lift Mode product, you can return it within 90 days for a full refund. Use coupon code Stanhope to save 20% off your first order. Lift Mode L-theanine capsules and dozens of other supplements are available at Amazon, Walmart, and liftmode.com. Free shipping on all U.S. orders over $25.

So that's automatic right there. Go to liftmode.com and use promo code Stanhope. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Liftmode is proud to sponsor the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Blue apron. That's too Podcast. Blue apron. That's too loud. Blue apron.

There we go. Blue apron. What did we eat? We ate cheesy chipotle black bean quesadillas with caramelized onions. And I found out you didn't like onions. Yeah. Didn't I? Caramelized.

It's not like eating an onion like an apple. Sometimes I like onions. That's the beauty of Blue Apron. Next time, I know not to put onions in. It's no big deal. I can control. You don't have to eat everything that Blue Apron sends directly to your door. Farm fresh ingredients, step-by-step recipes to your door.

You don't have to use them all. You can pick out the shit you don't like. Exactly. It wasn't the onions use them all. You can pick out the shit you don't like. Exactly. It wasn't the onions as much as the radishes. I don't think I've ever eaten a radish in my life. It's just something that you look at and you don't want to eat. I eat them like grapes. Gross.

Just the whole bowl. No, I don't. Terribly gross. I have not eaten. The first time I ate a radish that I prepared was Blue Apron. Because they use that as a salad on the side a lot. And that was what we had this time, which you didn't. I knew I wasn't going to even try you with the vegetables.

I enjoy the Blue Apron, and I have taken chances on things that I would never eat. And most of the time, I was pleasantly surprised. Radish is where I draw the line. You draw your own lines. Hey, Blue Apron, you choose chef-designed recipes. You decide each week. You cook incredible meals in as little as 20 minutes. Drunk-friendly, all the instructions, all the ingredients, proportioned.

You don't have to figure out what an eighth of a tablespoon is. They just give you that much. You don't have to fucking think. Gump can make these meals, and they're fantastic. It gets down to if you want to put all of the chili powder in or a little bit. There's no measuring. You just do it. So skip meal planning and get straight to cooking with Blue Apron.

Choose your recipes based on our schedule. Our schedule, not ours, not the podcast schedule. No. Though you could. You could time, because now we're consistently out on Wednesdays, you could time your blue apron to eat with the Doug Stanhope podcast. That is when we get ours

delivered, by the way, every Wednesday. Is it? Boy, I'm always hungry. On Wednesday. When I do my podcast. Because you haven't cooked yet. Coming up, it's that smoky chicken and sweet potato bake with cheesy cornbread biscuits. Not flicking any of that off the plate.

No. And then a hot Italian sausage pizza. Love it. Yeah. You can pick any of the meals every week. And when you don't want it, like Thanksgiving this week, put it on hold if you want. I bought things that were side-friendly so that everything we prepare will be out on the Thanksgiving table as well. That'll get ate.

Yep. All right. So check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash Stanhope. That's blueapron.com slash Stanhope to get your first three meals free. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. All right. Let's get back to the podcast. Nothing.

I didn't personally find anything that was bad. I just was like, I don't know what I said when I was 28 in a bar in New York. I didn't find anything that was bad. No. Hang on. Henneken, get on that fucking open mic.

Go ahead. Talk some shit. We're talking about deleting tweets and shit you said on Twitter. Again, I am a... What's the word? It's not sacrosanct. I love that word, but it's not right. But I'm impenetrable to an extent. You're fireproof.

Fireproof is good. I stole that, by the way, from Nassim Taleb, the book Anti-Fragile. Everyone should read it. Wow, good plug. Smartfuck Magazine here. It's funny because I was going to delete. I was going to see if there was anything bad and then delete it, and I couldn't find anything.

So I just pressed some delete all button. I almost didn't think it would work. It was very impulsive. And then all of a sudden I had no tweets, and it felt good. But also because at the end of the day, I almost didn't think it would work. It was very impulsive. And then all of a sudden I had no tweets and it felt good. But also because like at the end of the day, I never made a nickel off Twitter. I don't particularly care. I don't find it to be art per se.

It wasn't like, it wasn't like, oh my God, I'm burning down evidence. I just was like, ah, it's not, it's not worth it to me. If I said something at 28, 29 that I don't remember that could be misconstrued because I feel like I can again, I can like morally defend, like I go, oh, well I clearly didn't mean anything awful because I don't know if I've ever

really meant anything awful. That being said is it worth it at the end of the day? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I said that. But you always have the fallback of you can say, oh, I did tweet that, but I'm just a girl. Here's the worst thing about that is that still exists somewhere. So that at some point, if somebody wants to bring it against you, what they'll also bring against you is that she even tried to delete it.

Well, that's why. I have it, and she deleted it. I could also say, hey, I deleted links to t-shirts, and I deleted a picture of me at a concert. I deleted everything. But they wouldn't print that. They would just print, yeah, I deleted it, and they would skip the butt.

You would be reduced to that sound bite you talked about earlier. But it would also be like keeping clips. If I had a website and if I had clips of myself doing stand-up, it would be like keeping old clips where I go, I didn't really like that material and it's not me anymore. Why would I leave it on there? The people who, let's call them judges, the people who are judging on the internet

are treating every thought you've ever had and put out there as if you had it tattooed on your forehead. It's like these are just ephemeral throwaway moments that I just went, and that was it. Yeah, I mean, I gotta say, there's stuff that I tweeted

that I didn't want out there that was very benign, but it was just like, there were a handful of years, or a few years probably, at the beginning of Twitter where it was just like a live watching,

even making fun of like celebrities on the red carpet, which I gotta say, like, it's funny because we always say like the maturity of comedy is like, I used to do this, which I got to say, like, it's funny because we always say like the maturity of comedy is like, I used to do this and I used to, I don't do this anymore. Like, I don't find that to be that interesting anymore.

I don't like, I used to be like, oh, that person looks stupid going to the Grammys. I don't, I'm just like, oh, it's a real person. Like I can't do it anymore. So even that kind of benign bullshit, I was just like, who cares? Yeah, I did. I did. But if I love the stuff, I wouldn't delete it anymore. So even that kind of benign bullshit, I was just like, who cares? Yeah, I did. I did. But if I loved the stuff, I wouldn't delete it. Well, you know why people don't do minstrel shows anymore?

They don't sell tickets. If minstrel shows and blackface were fucking huge ticket sellers on Broadway, yeah, people would still be doing blackface. They don't do it anymore, not because they're racially sensitive. They just go, that's stupid. Oh, really? I think racial sensitivity has a significant piece in it. But I don't know.

No, that's just a different audience. If you could sell out a theater doing a minstrel show, someone would do it. You could sell out a Trump rally. No one would go to it. Because Vaughnville was awful. You go back and watch it as a... Hey, that's a kitsch. Is kitsch the word?

I don't know. Do you find at all, though, that these new kind of rules or whatever they are, I do find the only silver lining to me is it makes me think 10 times over, is this smart enough to be better than it is edgy or offensive? Good point. I find myself going, yeah, no, that's not worth posting or just finding a smarter version of it in the

attempt to not offend but also that tends to lead me to a more unique place. Beautiful point. I have a fan base that tries to mimic what they think is my comedy. So I will get email

subject, nigger cunt retard baby and then i open it now that i got your attention and then it's just some i want to do comedy yeah well people you know point being yeah do you have if you're going to say something that you know people will find offensive, yeah, you better back it up with substance. You can't just subject line nigger, cunt, retard, baby. What's the joke? So, yeah, it does make you. All right. Again, I don't use the word faggot on stage.

But in the fun house, we still, just like a green room use every offensive term and we try to find more offensive terms because that's what we do as a comedy culture but when it's on stage yeah you have to I can defend I mean there's some bits

just like everyone when you said Morgan when you're a kid you said I wouldn't say it the same way now, but I can defend the point. Right. I can't defend it yet. That's it. If you can bitch about the language or...

Well, that's what it's about. If it's obviously a joke, then it's obviously a joke. And it depends on how the crowd feels about you, but there's a reason, and I think you hit it on the head. You can defend... You have jokes about raving a dude on a football field and you have jokes about finger-fucking the Duggar daughters, but where are you most prominent right now in social media

is plastered all over memes about nationalism. That's a long time ago. It's random. I don't think there's a rhyme or reason to why people will pick the target that they pick. They just want to feel better by bringing somebody else down is all it is. It's random. Go ahead, Brian. The one area that I do think that I think, I know Doug, I think, does well, I think,

and somebody like, I always hate to invoke her because it often comes across as like a fucking love fest because I think she's great. But Laurie Kilmartin is, they will always remember their comedians first and foremost. And when they're making a point, they make it funny. And I don't like when comedians are just like everyone else and make a tweet like this is wrong no make it funny yeah or i mean i think also make things there's so much of the same noise now that like to find the origin that's what i mean by like kind of this this new place of what can i say and what can't i say is like is actually i'm writing less but i think the stuff that's coming out might might be a little better because i you know there's when someone yelled at me about uh

i think we were having like a james gunn discuss those ages yeah you know was yelling at me about that like it i don't know i i don't even get into that. But like... We started... What was the impetus for what became my Me Too material was Andy. After we got done with Andy and tracking down this pedophile and then we got sued

and we had to fly back and then we had to go to court in ill-fitting suits and then the next night we did a gig and I did a bit about Andy's whole thing. He had already talked

about it but I talked about people who are capitalizing on this. It was before Me Too even came out, and I've just retooled that bit over and over because Me Too is now kind of in the same family with the Black Lives Matter.

They're all the same, and you can't. They've co-mingled coagulated into the same fucking argument on some level I forget what my point was I was following you until you said you forgot what your point was

it's like a distraction of the month I find validity in like every cause that tends to stem from the left and sort of against things that are bad but

I also it's weird to be kind of what I think is at least like in many ways and in many parts of my life to be like sort of a feminist and to be a very far left to be all these things and then also go yeah i think also this and recognize bullshit right but then also then then people scream at me and i'm like no no i'm saying that like why are you screaming at the person who disagrees with you the least like why are you

taking that little sliver where we disagree and deciding that I'm the enemy? Because you have the biggest voice. That's why. If you call bullshit, I call bullshit, oh, yeah, he did the man show, which was derogatory to women,

and he's got a whole fucking career of being... If you say it, oh, now it has weight, but everyone's fucking afraid to say shit because yeah, it's fucking everyone's career when it is bullshit. And bullshit

draws... Go ahead. I was going to say that in terms of fucking everyone's career, I mean, I don't know, I mean, A, it's quite clear that Louis C.K., if he wanted to, could be touring theaters right now. I said that on stage. I know you did.

It happened. Yeah. I go, yeah. Yeah. His career is over. Yeah. Unless he decided to do stand up and it played across the street and you wouldn't be here because you'd be at Louis C.K.'s show. T.J. Miller has a very active touring.

His calendar is filled for the rest of the year. No one gives a fuck. Well, the problem is people, it's, we're listening. I mean, you can't even have now the conversation about, you can't have the who did what. There is no sort of like nuance, but I also understand where that comes from because people are so upset because this is something that's been sort of ingrained in society for so long.

I mean, Meryl Mark, do you know Meryl Marko? I think she's a genius. She's a deaf lady? No, she was like the original. She's a deaf lady, I'm thinking of. She was like the original. Marlee Maitland. She was the original letterman.

She came up... She invented the top ten list. She's brilliant. And she wrote a book recently that just came out as an audio book. I'm going to plug it, which is... It's just the story of women

from the beginning of women till now. Like Eve? I think it's like the beginning of people who had homes, maybe. I don't know i think it's like the beginning of like people who had homes maybe i don't know but uh but it's it's you know she's been telling me a lot of stuff where you just go yeah people are rightfully mad like that being said we we are in such a horrific place right now that picking your battles has never been more important and correct i don't you know i'm still upset there are like kids in cages and in shelters in this state.

That was a couple weeks ago. And no one's talking about it. It's like, you guys, like, that was so much worse than Sarah saying anything on Howard's. That was 17 distracting news stories away. It really kills me because I feel like I try to be a good person and maybe I just get so upset when someone comes at me and tells me that what I'm saying is

not something a good person would say. I don't care about anything else but being mischaracterized as a person who's evil or unkind or anything like that. That's what upsets me. Let me ask you a question. Why do you read replies to your tweets? That's my problem.

That's my problem. And that is why I could never, ever, I think, ever be any more known than I am now, which is like 10 people consistently telling me to go away. But like, I don't, I don't think I could handle, I don't think I could handle any kind of even like the attention on roseanne the show and the attention on things around me i realized how anxious that stuff made me and i was like oh i will never try to get more attention in that way if that makes sense sense. It actually is kind of a good lesson

because I can't handle it. I'm under tables. I can't. I have a sincere question too. Okay, so as far as your career and promoting yourself, which is really what Twitter is about to anybody that has to do...

You know that your career is more writing than stand-up. Yeah. Just making sure you know that. That's why I'm going to ask. So like being beneficial, because I understand it's beneficial to certain people's careers, but as far as being beneficial to your career,

is there a percentage you'd say, besides just making you miserable and benefiting your career? Not really at all. Yeah, you should bail on it. No, no, no, but it's not because I don't think, whatever, it's not because people hate me. It's just that I started on Twitter. It was just a dump for stupid jokes.

I mean, I was writing monologue jokes at the time, so it was a lot of stuff that I wasn't getting on shows. I have a follow-up question to you. Silly, silly, silly stuff. But I don't tour for a living, so it's not like having a bunch of Twitter followers is going to help me get more money for my script.

Do you know what I mean? It just doesn't work in that way. In the current climate, it could actually lose you the job because, oh, that's that girl that said this. Who's vocal about something. It's kind of like, why am I there to see what's happening? You guys keep talking. Okay, my follow-up question would be...

I'm calling Roseanne to see if she answers. No. Once you get... What? I'm calling Roseanne to see if she answers. Oh, sorry. Once you get a certain amount of people who are following you on Twitter, as insignificant as that really may be in real life,

do you feel like you kind of have an obligation to say something positive when there's things going on? Because you do have, you know, like you reach a lot of people. Is that one of the things that would hold you there maybe? I'm trying to think about, because if it's not beneficial to your career and it's only making you miserable, you should bail out on it. I should soon. I'm getting there. But I also like, you know, I do my dumb little podcast and that stuff.

Hi, Roseanne. This is Doug Stanhope. I love you. I was trying to get you on a podcast on speakerphone for a minute, but we were just talking about how much we love you. Bye. That'll go in, like, variety

as a... Roseanne Ryder loves Roseanne. No, I said it, not you. No, you know, it's all so fucked. I'm so, like, it's been a weird year. You should move. Sound bite. No, you know, it's all so fucked. I'm so, like, it's been a weird year. You should move to Bisbee. Oh, wait, you have a place here.

You just don't show up. You wait on purpose until I miss you. Wherever she walks her dog, that's her home. I miss you so much that I go, if you come back, I won't make fun of you. It's funny. You know, Pete, there are people who, there are people like, what do you do there? You gotta die, die,

you gotta drink in. He's the mayor of Bisbee, I heard. He can do anything. It's funny what people think is here and then I kind of explain like, I don't know,

if you like the vibe, like you can be, it's, I don't, I don't, I do one, I do smoke pot. That's my one drug.

I smoke a little pot. People really think I'm like, oh, you do mushrooms and you get ecstasy. And I'm like, no, I wrote 20 pages. Is your asshole okay? I like to talk to people at the coffee place. We're all like 90, and I bought an old brooch, and it was lovely. Like, what do you want me to say? I got some noodles.

I don't go other places in Bisbee, but I describe this, the Funhouse, as a... Imagine if you like to go to a bar, but you don't want to go to a real bar, so you can go to a bar where whoever sucks, everybody will collectively know it and push them out immediately. That's like a fantasy bar that doesn't exist is where we hang out in Bisbee. All right, we're We gotta wrap this up.

Don't rape women. Don't pretend that you got raped if you didn't. Don't try to jump on bandwagons. It doesn't matter because we're comics and we're gonna keep talking about the shit we talk about. Fuck you.

Let me ask you a question. Fuck you! And me ask you a question. Fuck you! And be a nice person. Yeah, be a good person. Can we go back to the plot? If I can do it, you can. Can we go back to the plot of Fart Nazi? No, we're going to take her into a shower and shower her.

I get a new shower. Us too. It's a new hashtag he's working on. I love you, Morgan. Welcome home. I feel your love, and I'm going to return it soon. That's unsexual, and I'm going to take it as that. Everyone heard it.

You heard it, people. You heard it here first. She came on to me. Okay, let's get in the shower everyone get in the shower we'll see you next week vote that was fun thank you

that was really fun you're great Thank you.