The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #288: Tears and Laughter on Our Way to Vegas

Episode Date: December 6, 2018

The aftermath of the “Pain Hurts” podcast, a Special 'Globe Strong' Report and the funny thing that happened on the way to Vegas with Doug, Chad, Jobi and Chaille. Email your questions for the podcast to [e-mail] Nov 29th, 2018 at the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas, NV with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Jobi (@Stanhopescdp), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by ChailleThis episode is sponsored by[Harrys.com](https://www.harrys.com/stanhope) – Get a close comfortable shave, honest prices and No Gimmicks. New and current customers receive $5 off any holiday gift set just by going to [https://www.harrys.com/stanhope](https://www.harrys.com/stanhope). New to Harry's? You are eligible for Harry's FREE trial set.  [ButcherBox.com](https://www.butcherbox.com/stanhope) – ButcherBox offers 100% grass-fed and grass-finished beef, free range organic chicken, and heritage breed pork, raised free from antibiotic and hormones delivered to your door. Get FREE BACON and $20 off your first box, just go to [https://www.butcherbox.com/stanhope](https://www.butcherbox.com/stanhope) to claim this offer.[CWHemp.com](https://www.cwhemp.com) – Charlotte's Web, The World's Most Trusted Hemp Extract – 30 Day risk free guarantee. Go to [https://www.cwhemp.com](https://www.cwhemp.com) and enter promo code **STANHOPE** to receive 10% off your Charlotte's Web Hemp Extract purchase, which ships to ALL 50 States. Stanhope Store Merch - STOLEN HOTEL BIBLES, Signed and Personalized (while supplies last). Also, we have a new Podcast Coffee Mug and the last of the VHS copies of “Popov Vodka presents Doug Stanhope in the Funhouse”. http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/LINKS -Delta Sky Club - [https://www.delta.com/us/en/delta-sky-club/overview](https://www.delta.com/us/en/delta-sky-club/overview) Comedian Matt Braunger – [http://www.mattbraunger.com/](http://www.mattbraunger.com/)We like what they are doing over at [http://www.FIRRP.org](http://www.FIRRP.org) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org)Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag” (Acoustic), Written and Performed by Scotty Conant - [http://www.soundcloud.com/scottyconant](http://www.soundcloud.com/scottyconant)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Are we starting? We're rolling. All right. Check. Check. We finally got here to Vegas. I'm here with Chad Shank, Joby, Chaley.

I'm ready to go home. Just get in the room. We could have driven here. In the last time. About the same time. Maybe. But we wouldn't have the stories that we have. We landed. We just raced into our room at the Luxor.

That's a quick check-in, I've got to say, for getting here at night. For as long as the line was. It took you exactly as long as it took me to smoke a joint outside. And now it's not long because I was sucking on it. Yeah, unpacked the booze and got

ice in record time. And while Shaley was setting all this up... Set up before the drink got here. It's like a professional operation around here. We'll ruin that. We have to do just a few beats for what you missed from the last podcast. The aftermath of Kenny trying to eat all that fucking dumb burger. Pain hurts.

Pain hurts. Pain hurts. Kenny goes into. Don't worry. We have a full just one day of travel. We have a full podcast before Vegas has even started. We just got here. We just got in the room and we go, let's get this fucking one day of travel podcast out of the way. Let's get this fucking one day of travel podcast out of the way. But just to back up to the aftermath of Kenny,

Joby was there for it, where the next day Kenny came in and he was whining. Hold on. He sat down. He wanted to eat an entire family meal from Burger King, and he said he could do it in under an hour. He said it repeatedly for months. Yeah.

Why would you want to do that? I could do it. Yeah, you could. Maybe you could. Maybe. Why would you try? I was against it for a while because that could be. It seemed too gratuitous.

It was like, oh, why is he plugging for this? Well, he always does. I know. He always says, I can do it. I'll do it. Yeah, he wants the spotlight. Eat, dog, do is what Doug said. He wants to gamble is what he wants to do.

No, he forgets to gamble, and then he does something stupid, and then he's, oh. He paid for it. He paid for his own Burger King. It all started with a coupon, with a family meal. Every week you get a coupon for Burger King. The all started with a coupon with a family meal. Every week you get a coupon for Burger King. The circular that comes in. Yeah.

They're dumping their burgers. I could eat that. I could eat the whole thing. And he ended up buying it without the coupons. He spent twice the money. $24. And he could have got

the whole thing for under $12 if he just grabbed the piece of paper that's sitting on the bar uh this is why we love him all right well so so the after after that podcast ended he looked really bad and we had that random kid butternut that was there and he was also an emt he says and we believed him i still believe him and he says well he should have a probiotic backdoor mike says well my dog is on probiotics and he goes it's the same thing so he gave him probiotics for a dog and then asked to take pictures so one of the pictures of the many we took was butternut holding up probiotics in front of a very rancid looking kenny well the next day kenny shows up

said he threw up all night and he said it was because of the probiotic, not the 90% of three Whoppers, three cheeseburgers, and three large fries and two sodas, the buffalo wing and the bacon and chocolate. No, it was the next night he did, too. That night he only just did the buffalo wing soda. Did he drink all of it? He drank all his soda. He got really close to eating all the food.

And then when he looked like he was dying, the next day, Kenny comes in angry. Everyone's drinking mimosas. It's a day after thing where everyone's kind of a little logy. Yeah, it's a beautiful morning. Waiting for football or something. Some morning. Yeah. Jonathan was there, too. Yeah. And and kenny's no is that probiotic they fucked with me taking pictures of me with

animal and we're like it's a no he's an emt he no, I didn't give anyone permission to take my photo. You guys made me look ridiculous. And then we're just dying laughing. He did not say that. He said over and over. You guys made me look ridiculous? By taking a picture of him with animal probiotics. I'm like, no, that guy was trying to help you.

And then we just kept laughing. And he got steamed and finally stormed out go ahead laugh it up and raced out threw a drink down and stormed out

he was sure that not fucking three whoppers and a half a cheeseburger made him puke no and two fries

three two and a half rodeo burgers and two and a half who burgers and two and a half Whoppers. And two fries. Three, he definitely ate two total fries. Definitely.

Yeah. He was so close that he could have just stuffed everything in his mouth and made a victorious end to the whole thing. swearing it was the one pill

of animal probiotic and Mitchell. It pill of animal probiotic. That's actually a human probiotic. Yeah, it's the same thing. Turns out they both don't do anything, animal or human. They're both ineffective. You're going to have to excuse his behavior. He clearly had Burger King poisoning. That was not his normal behavior.

Someone said that. Oh, it's the Burger King talking. Yeah, yeah. Burger King encephalitis. Yeah, he's had some sort of slight mad cow disease. That was Joby that said he had mad king disease. And then

after Kerry Mitchell looked it up online and read aloud to Kenny that animal probiotics and people probiotics are the same thing. One does not harm the other, blah, blah, blah. And read it aloud from the medical website. He's like, it's not the point. It's the point. You took pictures of me with it.

Like, you're trying to make fun of me. I go, really? You were going to eat a family pack of Whoppers that we never suggested. You kept saying you wanted to do it. We kept forgetting about it, and you reminded us. But it was the one probiotic for a dog that made you sick. A placebo pill. Let me get this straight. A sugar pill

made you sick. That's what Brett Erickson said. It's like St. John's. Yeah, he said both of them do nothing for either species. That's like, oh, eat all the St. John's warts you like. It's not going to do anything to you.

It won't kill me. No, it won't do anything. You just ate a bunch of flour. If you think it'll do something, it might. Meanwhile, that same weekend. That was that. There was a I know we have international listeners, so you probably all know the story about Globe, Arizona. Had yet another shooting.

Wasn't as big as the other ones. Some guy got pissed off after a bar conversation and went out and shot a few people outside of a bar. Yeah, killed three people. Globe is up near Phoenix, right? It's up towards Phoenix? It's in the triangle between Bisbee and Phoenix. Not far from the ranch I grew up on. It's just a little town.

It's the same size as Bisbee. It's like 5,000, 6,000 people. A guy shot a bar fight that turned into a gunfight and he shot three people that died it's very sad it was a horrible thing was never good one of them was the bartender everybody knew her wow she wasn't working her night she was off duty but she was just hanging out when it came when it came on the news i bet bet Chad Shank knows someone involved. I went to high school with that bartender chick. But I forgot

what I was going to say. Never shit what you eat. Just a regular I don't know how to differentiate between murders and mass murders and giant shootings, but they adopted

I think it started with the marathon boston strong yeah yeah and then they did vegas strong after there was a shooting in vegas so immediately the whole town started 5 000 people yeah and again everybody kind of knows everybody so i get it But they started selling merchandise. Oh, merch. Like fucking a lot. Like they had coffee mugs. So there's a screen printing business in Globe.

But it was not just that. There was somebody custom built a skateboard and custom painted it to say globe miami strong yeah yeah showing some of the texts that uh you sent me some of those are coffee tumbler commuter mugs yeah oh yeah they had some if you wanted your drinks hot they had some if you like your drinks cold uh t-shirts of all varieties um for the listener globe miami are like sister city twin cities like Minneapolis St. Paul of 3000 people each memorial tattoos

oh yes that was the other one that was crazy memorial tattoos they were advertising if there was if somebody had a business they were dog somehow tying it dog treats they made I'm not gonna read those things I'm not gonna read those things I sent to you guys they were somehow tying it. Dog treats. Did you mention dog treats? They made... I'm not going to read those.

You're not going to say that? I'm not going to read those things I sent to you guys. That's why I sent them to you. They're horrible. We're not shitting on the tragedy. No. It was just the response of people making money. Like back with the never forget 9-11 ribbons

where someone's just cashing in on a tragedy well and they all said like 50 of the proceeds go to this oh yeah but you're selling one to everybody in town you're making more money than you've ever made at your business usually you'd only get 20 now you're getting 50 somebody who makes dog homemade dog treats made Globe Miami Strong dog treats and was selling them. But Chad, knowing that he should not do this, a point of restraint of being a diplomat, I should not do this on social media because I still know a lot of people. Well, like Shaylee said, people will think I'm shitting on what happened and not the way people responded to it. And people you know. Yeah.

And instead of going on social media, he just sent, did a group text to Stan Hope and I and blasted us with all of this shit that was coming out of his head. Like, I can't put this out. I got to put it out to someone. I can't put it on Twitter. I don't know what to do. So it's going to you guys. It's going to you guys. He did apologize. Sorry, I can't put this on Twitter. I don't know what to do, so it's going to you guys. It's going to you guys. He did apologize. Sorry, I can't put this

on social media, but someone has to hear this. At one point, Stan Hope texted me back and said, you're two drinks away from tweeting that shit, which was why I was sending it to you guys, because I wanted to put that shit, because I was... No, that's the thing. When you get something horrible in your head, until you tell someone else,

it just festers like a boil. So that was good, Chad. That was a pressure relief. And that's a good setup for the next. We're going to take a break. And then, because we still don't know what happened on this flight. I'm in the dark. I'm in the dark. I'm in the dark.

Yeah. Yeah. He's going to have to tell someone. Yeah, and I made it worse. I'm sorry about that. We could have gone either way because we could talk about the Bibles in our merch store. Oh, there you go.

That's a good plug. It's coming up on the break. Sorry. I didn't know where you were going with it. Let's take the break. We haven't done 20 minutes. We've got enough. Let's take good plug. It's coming up on the break. I didn't know where you were going with it. Let's take the break. We haven't done 20 minutes. We've got enough. Let's take the break.

Everyone needs a drink. Yeah. Get a drink and we'll... We're still exhausted. We'll be back. Cocktails. Oh, and speaking of cocktails, I did bring a very substantial bar for this room.

How much... Doug, how much did your bag weigh, your checked bag? My checked bag weighed 27 pounds. Okay. What was in that 27-pound bag? There's, look, four small pairs of socks, two pairs of underwear, and some pajamas. That's one pound yeah the rest is booze that was less than a pound of clothing in that thing i i repacked and packed all this booze i bought i'm like well what is uh what are you drinking you go well i i drink vodka but i've

been doing a lot of tequila joe he's like yeah i've been drinking tequila with chad and i know what we drank and i like fuck it i just went to big joe's out there on highway 92 and i just stocked up on everything i got kalua i got bailey's i get godiva white chocolate for oh morning coffee yeah that's a good looking bar so uh when i say uh when i break with cocktails the plural is capitalized cocktails i love harry's it shaves everything uh were we rolling. Tracy, thinking she was off mic, started this commercial by going, I love Harry's. They shave everything. And she was obviously talking about her mustache.

And I've never seen her mustache. And that means she was talking about her mustache. She might have been talking about Shaley. It's funny because the read starts with the way I have it. Why Harry's is the perfect gift for guys. And she's already talking about shaving with your razor, J. No, no. I got her a set.

Oh, she's got her own? They have different colored handles. So I know which handles hers, which is mine. And it doesn't really matter. The handle doesn't really do anything. I have to be honest but it helps to shave. I have to be honest. I trim.

That's why you're going to love these, because you flip it over 180 degrees, and there's one thin blade that gets right under your nose. That was always the problem with all the fucking, it's a five-blade razor. Well, five blades doesn't, that gives you a little tiny like Hitler chaplain stash right under your nose. Or you gouge in,

you gouge into that soft flesh up there, yeah. Yeah, you try your best to reach, but yeah, five blades don't get that. Yeah, this has a flip over single blade on the back. You go, okay, I get it now. Hey, right now is a great time to get Harry's because they've got a gift set that they're featuring.

The Winter Winston gift set. That comes with a weighted razor handle, three German engineered blade cartridges with a flex hinge and lubricating strip, foaming shave gel, and a travel cover to protect the blades. He'll actually use it, meaning she and he. I don't know why

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So you'd know, oh, she used that on her dirty, shameful places. I'm glad she has her name on it so we don't mix them up. Gift sets at every price point, starting at $15. So like we've said on other things, yeah, for your Christmas company gift party, $20 or under, give them some Harry's. There you go. Your really hairy girlfriend. Send her it as a gift and a subtle hint. $5 off any shave set.

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Nope. Harry cares about the she, and she cares about her man. You almost have to say he. Okay, so go to harrys.com slash Stanhope. Use promo code Stanhope, and then you get how much off? It's $5 off each gift set. That's crazy! Or I'm drunk.

Hey, December 12th is a cutoff for free shipping, so get that order in now for Harry's. Thank you, Jaylee. This is a new sponsor that sent me product weeks ago. I don't promote anything that I don't like or at least one of you guys on the podcast use religiously. This one I almost started promoting

before they even sent ad copy or agreed to it. They sent me ButcherBox, which is meat delivered to your door. ButcherBox delivers healthy 100% grass-fed and grass-finished beef, free-range organic chicken, and heritage breed pork. The incredible quality of ButcherBox meat

starts with the commitment to raising animals humanely and free of antibiotics and hormones. Each box contains at least 9 to 11 pounds of meat, which is enough for 24 individual-sized meals. You can choose from five different box types, all beef, beef and chicken, beef and pork, mixed box, custom box. Choose your own cuts. That's what they told me to say. They sent me this shit.

They sent you the box? They sent me the box. Don't you dare cut that out. I have to know who. I have never been more excited because I started making this meat, and it's when most of you Nancys started going vegan or vegetarian. So now it was so good. I was delivering it to our friends.

Just Jen. She can't take the stairs. I was delivering it to our friends. Just Jen. She can't take the stairs. I'm bringing her burgers down. I'm bringing pork over to Gump. The meat is so good. And it wasn't until then I knew that there's a difference with the quality of meat. Because I just buy the shit from my local supermarket, which I've complained about several times. And I don't mention the name because they're my friends.

I was making burgers for the first time in my life, Chad. I was eating burgers from Butcher Box with no condiments. What? I'll explain to you how to make the perfect burger, but I'll save that. That's a bombshell. With no condiments. I mean, no liquid condiments. It was so incredible.

I ate burgers for three days in a row until I was out of burgers. I started with burgers. Steak tips is all I have left. I called Bingo from Vegas saying, take the steak tips out of the freezer and put them in the fridge. Everything that they gave me was absolutely incredible.

And I'm never going to eat shitty discount. I'll get discount meat from the supermarket for football stooges, but I'm only eating this. supermarket for football stooges but i i'm only eating this i'm sold because i know that you will eat food only for the condiments so for you to say that you ate a burger with no condiments is a huge statement i'm sold i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna belabor this ad because i like them so much and i know we're tired and in a hurry to go to bed. But this is how you make the burger. It's chopped up

green onions and peppers, chopped fine, mixed in with the ground beef. And then you... Oh, sorry. Bingo's getting a call. They're ordering ButcherBox right now. ButcherBox burgers. Send me the link, Bingo. I put taco seasoning

in it. The powdered, and then I mix it up with Worcestershire sauce. That's kind of a condiment, but this is before you cook it. I do this anyway, but the quality of this beef, usually I put A1 sauce or mayonnaise or something.

No. This was so good. Thin cut cheddar cheese on the top and then put a layer of green chilies, hatch green chilies and if you put ketchup on that burger, I'll punch you in the face. And when I say I'll punch

you in the face, I mean I'll have Chad Shank punch you in the face. It was honestly it's incredible. There was an old service like this. Are you talking about those guys with the freezer in the back of their Toyota Tundra? Because I know those guys too. I remember when Russ Dunn fell for the knock at your door,

and they have, we have Kansas City strips. I go, I don't think that's a... I know New York strip, but you're selling Kansas City strips? And Russ Dunn, God rest his soul, he's dead now, probably from the aneurysm, but might have been caused by Kansas City door-to-door strips. But he bought a whole ton and he's bragging about his...

I gotta... Honestly, ButcherBox is so fucking good. I think what you're trying to say, Doug, is ButcherBox carefully curates the finest selections and makes it a breeze to customize your own delivery. Build your own box to get exactly what you and your

family love. And remember, this meat is frozen at the peak of freshness in individual vacuum-packed, biodegradable packaging. Nobody gives a fuck. Talk to our listeners. I made Cuban sandwiches with the pork. I forget what I did with the chicken.

We did something great with the chicken, and I think that was Thanksgiving weekend or something. Did you get chicken breasts? Is that what they sent you? Yeah, they sent me the full package. Yeah, you got a variety pack. It says here, think of Butcher Box as your neighborhood butcher, which is exactly what we don't have. That's why I have to buy that fucking shit meat from our chain grocery store.

I always think it's all the same. And 50% off, it's all the same. And 50% off, it's all the same, except it's a little more brown. No, no. It makes a big fucking difference. And we don't have a local butcher, and you shouldn't have to go there. First of all, your local butcher,

you know your housekeeper's fucking them, if you ever watched the Brady Bunch. Go to the callback. Free shipping anywhere in 48 states. So they're not completely all American, but they're 48 out of 50 all American. Yeah, the meat is packed in dry ice, and it's delivered right to your door. Which you can huff. And it doesn't really give you a high. You can't huff it.

Okay. Clean your windows, streak free windows. Yeah, I shouldn't huff it. Okay. Clean your windows. Streak free windows. Yeah, I shouldn't have mixed it with bleach when I did the floors. I did get dizzy then. Hey, do the call to action, Doug. For free bacon? Wait. Free bacon?

Oh, shit. They did send me bacon. I forgot about the bacon. All right. So for free bacon. Free bacon. All right, so for free bacon. Free bacon!

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That shit's good. Shay's going to cut that off. I know. He's a fucking dick. All right, we're back. And while you're away, Chad was filling us in with more of the globe. Miami.

Joby hasn't slept in two days because yet again, I'm not going to get into it. But another tragedy where you had to stay up for two days with a friend with fucking cancer. Through the surgery. Yeah, so I stayed up all night. Yeah, yeah, so I haven't slept in a while. It just keeps falling down on you.

Don't gamble at the same table as me. No, it was actually due. No, it was great. Why not? He's due. He's due. It was great. We were planning something.

I'm like, oh, listen, the day before, I can't drive up with you guys to the airport because I've got this thing at the hospital. A friend of mine has cancer. I'm going to be there, you know, surgery through the whole night, and I'll meet you at the airport later on. And he said, oh, so just typical Joby stuff. Oh, so just typical Joby stuff. So we all meet up at the airport, fortuitously all at the same time. At the same time.

Within 30 seconds. We all drove separate cars. We were all curbside at the same time. It was really fucking weird. It was very strange. And you guys are all at the thing. I go, no, come with me. And I'm fucking, I'm sorry.

I love having status when I'm with friends. Because I go, no, come with me to the first class line. And then we all got TSA pre-checked because we're all in the same itinerary. I have the global entry. My bag. The handle on Joby's bag wouldn't fucking close. Wouldn't retract. So Joby went all Chad Shank on his own.

Just ripped it off. Chad Shank watched Joby go Chad Shank. That was really very meta. It was a good sight to see the Delta guy's like, I've never seen that before. Michael. He just wrenched it. I know. I love that all those people know me.

Michael's like, I've never seen that before. Here, you throw it away. Chad Shank watched Joby go apoplectic the same way I like when, like Gump. I watch Gump as my kid. Oh, Gump did the right thing. Chad's watching Joby smash it. Good work. This is when Joby, this is when, I mean, Chad was in a good mood.

And it changed. And here we go. Well, I do have to say that when you guys went out to smoke one last time before we went through TSA, I look at Chad and I go, you know, it might seem like this is normal, but us just walking up and then getting passed through and all these things

is because we're with you. And it makes you think about the time when you were running late and you go, could I just please? And it's like, sir, that's not the way we do things here. And yet with us, we've got a green light to fucking do whatever. And it's like, sir, that's not the way we do things here. And yet with us, we've got a green light to fucking do whatever. And it just kept going. That was the

theme of our entire trip to right here, right now. And that was a conversation Chad and I had. And then it just kept blossoming from then on. We had beautiful cocktails at the Tucson airport is the best. It's's wonderful when we got through like

in like 90 seconds we got through security oh yeah there was no line when we went through pre-checked and they're like yeah no take off your shoes no light jacket is fine nothing chet i'd take off his hat i had to take my hat, which I never thought my receding hairline would be my identifying factor. Oh, yeah, that's you. The TSA guy goes, because we're in pre-check, so we go through, because we're not animals, and he looks at the picture, and he looks at Chad, and he goes, remove your hat. Chad takes off the hat, and then he looks at my picture. I go, look, I'm not taking off 10 pounds.

But he was already unamused with us because whenever we walked up, I don't know any sort of airport protocol. So I just walked up with Shaley when we walk up. And I think I was supposed to wait behind. No, he said, are you two together? And we're like, yeah. Not in the eyes of God. That's exactly what i say i waited a couple beats and i go well wait not like in the biblical sense but we're here together nothing

nothing he didn't even look up for what he was doing that's uh i'll give becker credit he's the first uh are you two together like at a restaurant and becker would say not in the eyes of god and i've used that ever since so we get in and we have nice uh cocktails at the tucson airport bar remodeled yep and uh boarded the flight they upgraded us to economy comfort not first class. Economy comfort, which means it's three inches of leg room. And then Shank sat down next to you, Joby, and went, fuck, I'm not built for airplanes. Yeah, but we're both big guys, so we should have swapped immediately. Tall and lanky and gangly. All I know is the next flight, because we had to fly from Tucson to

LAX and then I go the next flight you're not going to have that three inches of leg growth which will come into play later in the story. Hey, hold on a second. Wait. Someone's getting a fucking weird sound.

Hello, hello. Oh, it's this. Oh, what are you... Yeah, you're stressing the cable. He's my cable stressor. Hey, look, it's all fixed. Go ahead. Do you need a drink?

There was no... No, I'll get it. I'll get it. All right. I don't think there was any issues. No, on the first leg, Shank and I were making a lot of jokes about the female pilot, and we were just busting balls constantly about a bunch of different stuff and just having fun and laughing and giggling and talking a lot.

And the lady behind us, you remember her? Yeah. She said, like, as we landed, you remember her? She said, as we landed, everyone's kind of standing up and getting ready to file out. She says, where are you guys performing? What?

By the way, the female pilot thing is something. On Delta, when you have a real flight, we took these kind of mini flights, two seats and two seats, no middle seats, little jumper flights. But when you're on a real flight, they have the in-flight safety announcement that we'll do on a screen, not live. And they'll have always a female pilot. And I always wanted to do either a prank call or a letter to Delta saying,

I see how you try to make, because they always try to make them a little bit funny. I see how you try to make, because they always try to make them a little bit funny. And I see why you try to make it lighthearted by putting a female pilot in the video. But my kids were on this flight, and they were terrified, and I had to assure them that could never happen. I just think that is a hilarious thing to do, but I wouldn't do it because I'm a Delta fan and they treat us well. Hey, Doug, do you remember

that inane conversation that happened from wheels up to wheels down behind us on that first flight? Doug has this thing where when he hears something either front row or two rows out he will make comments loud enough

that you know maybe they didn't hear it but they probably did there were two business guys behind us you were on C and D the husband of the gal that talked to them at the end of the oh yeah they thought we were dancers or whatever.

They were fucking talking the most inane shit, just cliched. Well, you know, in L.A., when there's an eighth of an inch of rain, everyone acts like it's... And they go, you're so right. Well, yes, everyone says that. They're talking about drivers

and different... I heard the one guy tell three different people that he'd been away from his daughters for three weeks. Oh, I heard that. And they were 14 and 15 years old. I know all of that because I heard him tell three motherfuckers. And the wife is like, oh, I understand. It's a long time to be away from...

And I'm beside Chaley. With earplugs in i got the silicone i'm sealing my ears from a noise and i can hear him above everything yeah maybe you shouldn't have had them if you couldn't be around them the whole shit i had noise canceling headphones on i missed all of that three of you had fucking gadgets you're all watching you had a laptop you had a phone you're i'm listening to a podcast a flat top i don't even know what you call those things a tablet tablet no there's i was i had a book that i didn't understand that was was on page four with a bookmark

and upside down by the time we took off. So, yeah. I finished at the end. Because I'm listening to these cocksuckers and I put in earplugs, like the rubber earplugs, and I leaned in between the seats where they could see me

after I'm mocking their conversation where like it's a screaming baby. This is so hard. And I put the ear plug in my ear going, there's nothing worse than these dumb conversations. I'm yelling this and they're not listening. So loud. This happens all the time. I just have to pretend like when you're with bingo and

she's doing something you pretend you're not with her although you're both dressed the same there's there's no you know disguising it but it is one of those things where the the the ear that's why i have uh headphones that are red so you can see i have headphones in he is so loud about this shit so as the flight lands uh they ask you to on the other side of the aisle joe b and chad where are you performing you must do something yeah because we were talking about uh like the airplane crashing and making jokes because we just wanted it to crash and die and and so i don't know what they thought we were, but... I don't know. I was confused by that whole exchange at the end, for sure. I didn't know what...

Well, I overheard that, because now we're on the tarmac at LAX, and I waited until we were getting up, and I said, hey, the choreographer just called. We have to learn these dance steps before 6.30. And someone chimed back before 6.30. And someone chimed back, 6.30? I got all indignant and stormed off the air.

6.30? 6.30? It's ridiculous. We're marching down the fucking, to leave and I'm like, they keep changing the music on us? They can't expect us? They can't expect us to learn these things. I assume they must think we're a band first or something. The last thing they think when they look at us is dancers.

I just went with that. And we were all still having a good old time. That was a fun flight. Yeah, that first leg was great. I had a phone charger in there. Is that upgrade? So comfort class was the negligible leg room. Who the fuck knows?

But there's a 110 outlet and USB chargers and free drinks. And that's the red lining piping on the headrest. It tells you you're in comfort class. They did upgrade us, Delta. We're going to get to Delta soon. Go ahead. No, that was it. That was what comfort class means.

So at LAX, we have a two-and-a-half-hour layover. But we have the Sky Club. And when you asked me, oh, I forgot to look up how long our layover is in LAX. And I said, oh, it's two and a half hours. And you looked at me and said, we can burn that up in the Sky Club real quick. Well, I couldn't remember if I had my diamond medallion status.

I know I have at least one guest, and I think two I can bring in. And the extras are $29. $29 is two drinks. In two hours, Tracy can drink $40

worth of... No, in one hour, Tracy can drink $40 worth of wine. I do the math. Without tip. Without tip. And I'm not saying she's a lush. It's so expensive, and you always get the extra, and it's geared that way.

Absolutely. But it's one of those things where it's like, do you want to be an animal and sit there with the masses at Johnny Rockets getting a fucking adult fucking beverage? Or do you want to go upstairs, pay $35 maybe? With the American Express, I can get anyone in for $29. I hate saying this

because it is the biggest secret that there are other ways to do an airport. There are correct ways to do an airport and that's one of them. Is a Sky Club or any kind of a way

that you can get into something? Let's get to Roxy. Oh, Roxy. Roxy, love Roxy. Let's get to the Sky Club or any kind of a way that you can get into something. Let's get to Roxy. Oh, Roxy. Roxy, love Roxy. We get to the Sky Club. Oh, my God. It turns out I can get two of my three friends in. Yeah.

There's four of us. And there's four of us, and then she wasn't counting heads, and she goes, oh, no. No, no, I was back behind. She saw the three of you, and she said, oh, Mr. Stanhope, yes, you guys are all in. And then Goofy Shaley comes out with his goofy tie, and they're like, oh, this motherfucker's with these guys. She goes, wait. I go, oh, I thought you meant all four of us could get in.

Doesn't my, I always wear my vintage Delta tie clip pin. Yeah, just lapel pin. And she says, I go, oh, I thought you were just letting an extra one in because I'm representing. And she goes, okay, go ahead. My guests. My guests. After she admired your pin.

Yeah, but she looked at it. She's like, oh, my God. Look at that thing. That's gorgeous. Listen, Chaley and I dress for success when it comes to flying. We dress in very colorful, stupid outfits, suits that we dress for the seats we want, not the ones we paid for. the seats we want, not the ones we paid for. When Bingo and I fly,

we usually go through Atlanta, which is a very black urban... And between my fucking ridiculous suits and Bingo's turquoise hair, black people stop us all the time and go,

man, that's a good goddamn suit. How'd you do that hair? How'd you do... How do you color that hair? I love your hair, baby. So, Roxy admired my suit and then my pin and says,

okay, I'll let y'all in, but here, tell my boss and gave me a business card of her boss. And I go, we're going to take a picture. Oh, it's on at that point. Well, we do this all the time. We took a picture, tweeted it to Delta. Delta immediately tweeted back, Roxy does.

You're a fucking superstar. And then I emailed her boss from the business card with a very you know white businessman sounding you know you could just say businessman sounding why i had to explain it to they already know your diamond medallion well saying uh too often uh you get customer service complaints but not often enough beautifully written I did and he emailed me back then I emailed him back

and then the Twitter was blowing up and then someone else saw me talking to her and gave her one of those diamond medallion comment cards that you get at the beginning of the year and she's like you're making me famous. It was fucking great. I do want to say two things right now.

One, 100% true. Roxy was very accommodating, and everything she did was from the heart. She's a good employee. Stellar. And the other thing is she made that snap decision like i said earlier where someone can go i'm sorry we don't do that here or she goes your third person my guest she made that she looked at your pin and said no this is uh what you're gonna do this here so she's an executive she doesn't know it's always situations. I used the word effervescent.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Accommodating. She's great. I hope to her boss, I hope that this compliment comes back because she made what was otherwise a horrific day of travel. I just made up some bullshit about how our show in Vegas. I actually shit on all you guys. I go on the third email to the boss. You're dancers?

I go This crew can't fucking dance out of a tin can. Are these motherfuckers? So this is all going swimmingly. Oh. Our flight was delayed an hour. Our flight's delayed an hour, so we even had more time. Three hours in the Delta Sky Club.

I don't know if it comes from Tim Fields, the boss, that I was emailing back and forth about how thank you for appreciating good employees. So nice. Many of them, but it got back to them. I go into the bathroom. Sky Club bathroom.

I gotta take a piss. And I'm taking a piss and it's a small bathroom, but there's about five people in there, but one of them's in a toilet. Like a stall?

Yeah, a stall. And then starts making horrifically loud sounds that no one can ignore. So, after, at that point I'm at seven or eight drinks over the course of the day, I said,

oh, it looks like the horn section is here for the band of the day. I said, oh, it looks like the horn section is here for the band really loud. And the guy pissing next to me titters as no one laughs in a Sky Club. Especially not in the shitter.

Well, the guy in the shitter says something to the... Wait, the guy in the shitter heard you and then responded? Oh, no, I yelled it loud. Well, I know you... Please, I know you did. You don't have to convince me of that, Mr. Stanhope. He starts responding, and then he's saying something about,

I get a backpack full of Bud Lights. And I go, if you have a backpack full of Bud Lights in the shitter, you're even more impressive. And then he comes back with more shit about something about, I have ecstasy if you want to join me. The

trumpet guy saying this? In a goofy way. And I go, alright, George and Michael, I'll be in there. So now we're having this loud back and forth like Dave Attell and fucking, what's his name? The Roastmaster. Jeffrey Ross. Jeff Ross, their new show.

Bump mics. Check it out. In a Delta Sky Club of uptight fucking people who can't wait to leave. With a closed store doll between you. Yeah. And so I leave and I come back and I tell you guys at the table

I go, I'm going to see who comes out of there because that guy was fucking funny. And then I see him and I go, it's that guy in the green shirt. And he goes up to the buffet. Which, how did you know it was a guy in a green shirt? Right. All you could see was maybe the cuff of his pants.

Oh, he was the one guy that you didn't recognize. Yeah. I thought maybe you recognized his shoes. But you could swing around. You would have recognized my shoes. You could swing around from the way you enter the sky club. Yeah. You nailed it. I just didn't know how

you did it. And then when he's at the buffet, I go, oh, fuck. I know that guy. So we all go up to get a drink. Why not? And I'm like, you weren't totally sure, but you were like, I think we know that guy.

I think that's a comic. And I walked up to him and I go, that was Mickey in the bathroom. He's like, hey, Stan Hope. I'm like, oh, fuck. I do know this guy, but I couldn't remember his name or how I know him. But I know he's a comic. And then you guys are there. So I don't know.

Was it you? It was fucking immediate. I asked one of you. I go, ask him his name. No, I asked him what his name was. I tried first, but he only gave me his first name, and it didn't help. So Shaylee came in and saved the day. They said Matt, and then I'm like, oh, these Joeys.

They don't fucking know. I go, and your name? And I put my hand out. Someone said, what's your last name? That's what I said. He goes, Matt. And I go, what's your last name? Because I knew that would work.

Veronica. Yeah. And yeah,, what's your last name? Because I knew that would work. Veronica. Yeah. And yeah, Mad TV. It was Mad TV. It was a bunch of stuff. I think I know him from Twitter. That's what Chad said. He goes, oh, I know you.

I follow you. I follow you on Twitter. Yeah. I recognize you from your tweets and your shoes. Jokes. And your ass blasting. We say, where are you going? He says, Vegas.

I go, so are we. He goes, where are you playing? I said, I'm not playing. We're just doing some fucked up things here just for fun. And I said, where are you playing? And he says, oh, no, I'm with my mother-in-law. It's her 70th birthday. I go, oh, where is she?

I went over and introduced myself. And I go, make sure he tells you about the toilet. Which completely confused his wife, I think, who was sitting at the next table. Wait, what? Is that why you brought a paper bag? This story is so fucking good. It's really good.

So, after we do all that, and, like, just the whole idea of a guy making the loudest shit sounds ever, and I had the balls in a sky club to make make light of it just the reveal of you telling us the story and then us

belling up to the bar and you finally looking at his face I know he never saw his face dead on until he was humped over the hummus and he figured out what was happening and he goes hey dude and then and he knew doug immediately he goes oh it's so much better and then okay so at this point because we're back at our table yeah because of roxy because our flight has been delayed an hour, and I had enough time to continue talking to Roxy's boss via email and tweeting. Well, the entire staff of the Sky Club, and estimate no more than 30 people are in the Sky Club. It's a small Sky Club. Spread out. A little more than 30 people are in the Sky Club. It's a small Sky Club.

Spread out? A little more than that. I think if you counted everyone in there, it would be about 45 to 50 because they have an overflow open that was on the other side of the staircase. So, I mean, they definitely – In our wing. It was in our wing, yes. It's a small room.

Yeah. So, three – In our wing. It was in our wing, yes. Yeah, yeah. It's a small room. Yeah. So three... Wait, wait, wait. Where we're at, our table is over in kind of a side section, and where we had met Matt and you had introduced yourself, they're just around the corner from the buffet out of sight from us. And then overlooking the entire runway. Yeah.

That was the preferred area. We're kind of in the same large room, but we're in around the corner from the buffet. It's still a small room total. But where we're sitting is out of sight of Matt and his wife

and in-laws. His mother-in-law, Jean. So right after this happens... Oh, is that her name? Yeah. Nicely done. Good work. I asked her twice and I couldn't remember.

Right after this happens, where I introduce myself to the family and then we go back, retreat to our table, Roxy and two other employees come out with a tray of champagne and four glasses and a tray of cupcakes. Cupcakes. Dessert.

Dessert. Yeah, there was a whole presentation. Chocolate-covered strawberries. Yeah, yeah. To thank us for promoting their decent customer service over the top. Good customer service. There was a card with an envelope that said Doug on the outside. And immediately, immediately, Doug said, hold on.

He already knew. I got to tell you, it was impressive how quick you fucking flipped that yeah yeah it was it was within a second like maybe a second can you do me a favor he said and roxy had the tray and then what did you what'd you tell bridget and roxy were the two leads on that i said i'll i'll I said, I'll explain this later, but I just ran into a friend randomly. I think I said, I'm a comedian. He's a comedian, and he's here celebrating his mother-in-law's 70th birthday. We have to get our late flight. Can we make this about her?

Can you please make this about her? Can you please make this be her celebration? It was basically what he was saying. And these ladies melted. Oh my god. Yeah. Their pupils dilated.

Melted me too. It was beautiful to watch. It was so fucking seamless. There was no hiccup in the whole fucking thing. One of them immediately turned around and went over and got extra glasses. Glasses. So we could all have, yeah. And I'm like, no, no, our flight leaves in like 20 minutes.

We got to leave. We couldn't even drink this anyway. And Doug's like, no, no. And they're like, here, you keep the card. And they're like, we got to get another card. What's her name? He's like, we don't know her name. Just say happy birthday.

So we all brought this tray from our secret corner location to their secret table. It's not secret. I'm just saying it's the way it's the landscape of this small sky club. And we went over and we all sang happy birthday you started it because no one was gonna do it and i'm i'm like i was trailing behind because i didn't take pictures and i'm like hearing this like like everyone's walking over there and there's not dead silence no one fucking talks in these things there's no no music i i said that about first class is the same as a

Sky Club. No one ever talks to you. It's a benefit. He sold it to me. Isn't this great? Nobody's talking. Unlike Coach. And then Chad and I are like, alright, we'll go over there and I hear this. Happy birthday.

And then everyone starts going in on it. It was fucking great. No, it was great. everyone starts going in on it. It was fucking great. Sky Club went in on it. No, it was great. I didn't know her name. I had to. You threw in mom a half a beat. You threw mom in half a beat before.

Because no one knew who it was for. But after the second happy birthday to you, I leaned into the dad-in-law, and I went theme quick. And he didn't get it quick enough, so I just went. You woke him up he was unimpressed with us for sure oh he was definitely unimpressed fuck that frying pan I got

he's probably unimpressed with his son in law too this is what comedians do wait a guy you met in the shitter bought a champagne explain this well dad in law I was making Queef sounds

You see I have celiac disease And what happens The serendipity the whole thing is the fact That my loud flatulence Resulted in the free champagne And beautiful dessert tray Listen Carl

If you're gonna eat the fucking cupcake, eat the cupcake, but don't fucking give me shit because now my comedy has got us right here to right now. To be fair, as a guy who doesn't do shit for his wife on her birthday, you made him look like an asshole probably. He didn't do a fucking thing. Or comedy has finally paid off for her. Finally something substantial has paid off.

That was nice. Oh, we're not done. We're not done. Not by a long shot. Not done. I think we might be done with this part. I never saw them on the plane. No, no.

We don't need to. They probably had first class. So I saw them on the plane. No, no. They probably had first class. I'll tell you what happened. We came back and Chad and I are looking at each other just shaking our heads going, what the fuck? Hold on. I'm going to cleave

that. And then Bridget, I went over there because I know Roxy's name, but I'm like, I got to get these other people. Bridget was awesome too because I felt she there because I know Roxy's name, but I'm like, I got to get these other people. Bridget was awesome too because I felt she was a tier above Roxy. I'm going to go over there. And Joby's chatting her up, and I'm like, I'm trying to look, but the name tag is so close to the tits that it's tough in this Me Too era.

But I'm like, I'm trying to get your name to do something, but I want my eyes. I'm feeling weird. So I finally go, darling'm trying to get your name to do something, but I want my eyes. I'm feeling weird. So I finally go, darling, what's your name? Thank you so much for doing this. She goes, Bridget. I go, thank you, Bridget. I wrote her my little book.

And we go back over there. And then Chad and I are standing next to each other. And Doug goes, I have to tell you how this happened to Bridget and Roxy. And he starts in... Wait, whose eyes are glistening with tears from the beautiful moment that Stanhope just created. They're glistening. She cries later. Yeah, yeah.

At this point, they were just glistening, which Stanhope took the opportunity. So Bridget and Roxy are standing there. Everyone is basking in this, like, this was such a special thing. That was so great for her. And Doug goes, I have to tell you how I ran into this guy. And I go, Chad, not on my fucking best day in my existence

could I tell a shitty fart story to two black ladies and have them, like, at the very least least get me kicked out of the sky club at the most it's like just some kind of charges right he's telling them and as we're listening to doug relay the story they're going oh honey i know i know i know they're they're like they're like right in sync they're lockstep with every step of the way. It's like, oh, but you know what? That's how you... And I'm like, what the fuck?

You're telling them about a guy fucking almost shitting his pants. Blowing up the shitter. Blowing. Yeah, and they've heard it on... And they're like, they're not fucking offended by it. They are like, you are the sweetest fucking cherubic muffin we've ever had in here. Oh, my God. And then we got to leave.

It's time to go. So what does Doug do? Well, the Delta pin. That started the whole thing. That started the whole thing. I go, I have to give this to Roxy. She just gave us the best story. I love the whole thing. I go, I have to give this to Roxy. She just gave us the best story. I love the pin.

And I got another one at home, I hope. But I can find another one on eBay. But she deserved. And I go around to the desk where she's working. And I go, I want to put this on you but I'm afraid I'd stab you because I'm real clumsy so will you put this on? And she went, oh, I'm gonna

cry. I go, I'm gonna cry too. I walked around the corner. It's football weather and I get misty. Doug's got his half a hand into her lapel and I walk around the corner and I'm like, oh my god. They're fucking both crying. She's wiping her eyes, but they're doing

this extended hug. Like, hey. Hello. You're in public. We got a board here. She was so sweet. So sweet. She was great. I remember when Hannigan first was coming to Bisbee,

and I was talking about how sweet the Safely people are. He goes, hey, they have to be because they work for corporate. I go, no, this is a small town where they see the same people every day, and they actually like you. It's not fucking LA where you live where they have to say, it's a pleasure to be here.

How can I help you? No, they actually know the people. He understood after a while. Chad and I also were talking about this. It's like, how shitty the caliber of people that come through Delta on a regular basis, that you just being nice. I know their names. Listen, nothing you wrote in that tweet

was incorrect there was no hyperbole it was completely honest what you said and yet they gave us a bottle of champagne you are a medallion I get it but at the same time it's like they must run into so many stupid people that must be

fun for them this is the thing that they'll talk about at the Christmas party you know what i mean it's like this was that i talked to not i mean we'll talk about it our christmas party manager of the bar but the guy that runs the lax sky clubs is the one i was tweeting with and i i was when i say i'm writing it like a white business person, I was. Like, he doesn't know that we're dressed like buffoons. He doesn't know who we are. But he did. He said, I saw your tweet. Because I put my medallion number, my name, my medallion number,

my diamond medallion, and my Twitter. And he wrote back, I saw your tweet. We will make sure that Roxy gets the appreciation for this. But there's no, you're not flowering up anything to happen. She was so fucking nice when we walked in. And that snap decision with my guest, that was a corporate decision that she made as not a corporate person.

She's working the front desk. That was one of those things that changes. It's a butterfly effect. It changed the whole fucking thing. And this is where the worm turns. where the worm turns. Because I, when I wrote to Tim Fields,

the boss, exchanged emails, I said you made a shitty day, which wasn't a shitty day. Not yet. Yeah. Into a great thing, and then I made fun of you guys.

I made you guys look like i i go i said uh i travel with buffoons who don't deserve to be in here i go when you're really telling the truth you truth teller that don't know how to travel and you're trying to you know i my point was that it wasn't... When I said it was a hellish day, it wasn't Delta that made it a hellish day. Yeah. It was me traveling with people who don't know how to...

I shit on you guys. He doesn't know you or me. So if you don't care, then... It's reasonable. Then the next flight. Let's take a break. I get a piss. Please hold. then the next flight let's take a break i gotta i gotta piss please hold chaley let's hump some merch it's holiday season and it's time for you to buy some

doug stanhope shit for your friends and your relatives for the christmas and the hanukkah and the kwanzaa and whatever you do uh we have new podcast coffee mugs, which I haven't even seen. They're new. Oh, okay. They're white. Okay, good. Good. I have my books at the DougStanhope.com store.

Got Chad Shank t-shirts. We still have some of the VHS of my last throwaway special, Pop-Off Vodka Presents. Also, we've got the Abortion is Green, White, and in the Banana Cream. I like the Banana Cream. And we've got a couple of podcast shirts, the Pop-Off Vodka shirt, Bingo's book, stickers, gadgets, knickknacks, and of course, CDs and DVDs and all that shit. So go to DougStanup.com and go to the store and load up your Black Friday, Cyber Monday, whatever the fuck that nonsense is. And I hope you're doing it for yourself and not someone else because you have to.

C.W. Hemp. C.W. Hemp. Am I just stealing from Bill Burr by making up jingles? C.W. H hemp, CBD oil. Chad, tell me about it. CBD oil is fucking not like THC. If you smoke weed, it's anti-inflammatory. It can help you relieve stress, sleep.

That's the main thing. If I was going to use CBD, I can get some capsules with CBD oil in it. I think they probably have those. To help shut off stuff in place of over-the-counter sleep, so you can use CBD oil capsules, that kind of stuff. It's good for. It's funny you bring this up because this episode is brought to you by Charlotte's Web CBD Oil, the world's most trusted hemp extract. funny you bring this up because this episode is brought to you by uh charlotte's web cbd oil the

world's most trusted hemp extract so it's almost like uh this is kismet that this comes up organically they have a lot of uh of of of uh varieties of of uh extracts that I've never even heard of. Cream-infused soothing balms, it says on here. That's what Bingo uses. That's crazy. It does say pain-reducing. Bingo uses it for her singing voice and her trach, and she swears by it. Oh, I have heard of that because I helped Bingo get some. I just lied on an ad.

I didn't mean to. I thought I had never heard of it but i did hey customers trust charlotte's web because they grow and hand tan more than 250 000 hemp plants in the u.s their hemp is responsibly farmed without any pesticides herbicides or fungicides and the extract is filtered five times for quality and consistency. Shaley's right. That's what it says. Charlotte's Web is offering a unique discount to our listeners.

Jump over to cwhemp.com and enter code STANHOPE at checkout for 10% off your Charlotte's Web Hemp Extract purchase, which ships to all 50 states. They have a 30-day risk-free guarantee, so you have nothing to lose if you give it a shot. That's cwhemp.com and enter code Stan Hope at checkout for 10% off your Charlotte's Web Hemp

Extract purchase. Some exclusions apply. See website for details. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Alright, we're back. And this is where the worm turns. We get on that

delayed flight. We're ecstatic. We get on that delayed flight. We're ecstatic. What just happened? We've been drinking heavily. Three hours in a Sky Club. Stuff happened. Yeah, we had that whole story.

Like, yeah, just for that whole, all that. Oh, we're walking, going down this. We're 150 paces from our gate. That was a beauty. And then I said, I turned to Doug, and I go, we're podcasting podcasting right when we get to the room he goes yes we are so i thought oh we're all all happy positive oh this is so good what could go wrong let's talk about roxy and bridget and like i know though i know the like when colin the the the on-site manager, came by, does anyone need drinks?

I go, where's Jeff? He says, oh, he's in Jordan. I know the fucking bartenders there, and they were not familiar bartenders. It's a... Again, it's weird when you're a regular at a Sky Club in LAX just because you pass through there a lot.

And for all that to happen, fortuitously, I've said that twice, hate using a big word twice, we're in a good mood and we get on the plane. On the shortest leg of the trip. Yeah. Easy, easy, all downhill now. LAX to Vegas. Four across in coach. But it's been delayed and there's storms coming in.

And it seemed like we were riding on the runway for as long as it would drive. The drive from Bisbee, just, we're still taxiing. Anyway, there's a fucking screaming baby behind us. We're like four or five rows back. Back row. Last row. Are you shitting me? I could have swore it was two rows behind me.

It was three because I looked. And I put in earplugs again. Didn't help. And then I was doing my loud announcements over all of your earbuds about, like, oh, really? Where does that baby have to be in Vegas? Why does a baby have to be in Vegas? Strippers.

Strippers, dude. Strippers. I have my earplugs in, so I don't think I'm being that loud, even though I know and hope I'm being that loud. I heard you through my noise-canceling headphones on that time, so I held one off so I could listen. And we're both on opposite window seats. No, you're on the opposite aisle.

We're on opposite aisles. That'll come into play. So I'm doing that. I went to take a piss just because not only did I have to piss, but I was so curious what was going on back there. And it was a kid in the back row with a very young mom, and this kid was definitely special needs. And I was like, what the fuck?

And all she did was yell, stupid! She just kept yelling. I could tell by the sound of the cries, she was also covering that kid's mouth very honestly. I thought the same thing! No, it was muffled. It was totally muffled.

After she would get frustrated and yell, she would... It's sad because I heard the people behind me going like, that kid's in distress. I mean, the jackasses talking about it. I could hear them and they're like, that kid's in pain. And then when I went back to take a leak and I came back, there's a little flap that the flight attendants can look out

without having to look down the galleyway. There's a flap down. So it's like a it's like a portrait with the eyes cut out i'm there and i'm looking at this kid and he's he's got this like weird looking face and stuff and i'm seeing him he's like playing with the light right and there and he's standing up in his seat and being all cool but he's like super like red faced and like just i I'm feeling so bad. I thought it was a baby.

No, no, no, no. It was screaming before we moved. Well, it screamed the entire time, to be fair. Yeah, it was. It used to do a bit about the fucking baby that that's why they scream is because they can't when the pressure builds up. Well, see that that's why they scream is because they can't when the pressure.

Just there. Just that. Well, see, that's the only thing that you guys were all pissed off at the baby. It was funny shit, but I actually feel all right for kids because they don't know any better. They don't have. No, I feel the same way. The motherfucker in front of me who pushed his fucking button and leaned back on me, that's the motherfucker that I wanted to murder immediately.

Yeah, now we're going to go into the dark. We're going into the next part. This is where Chad went dark before we even landed. No, no, it was on taxi. What? It was before we took off. yeah yeah chad went fucking dark quick i know because of that fucker well joey had told me before okay i should just tell the story let me explain i'm just yelling with earplugs in i I'm drunk now, and I'm yelling about the baby where I pretend no one can hear me

because I have earplugs in, and it sounds muffled to me because I have earplugs in when I'm yelling about, why would you fucking put a baby on a plane? Why does a baby need to be in Vegas? Babies don't need to be in Vegas. It wasn't until the end. I'll tell you at the end. So what happened on your side of the aisle with this?

I'm going to say Beaner. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle looking motherfucker with his hat fucking on with his ears tucked in. Yeah, tucked in. His fucking ass just for tucking his ears in his hat. I hate all of those guys. Yeah. If you have your ears tucked in your hat right now, I want to fucking kick your ass.

And if you've ever leaned your seat back in an airplane. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me rescind the beaner into Raiders fan. Yeah, Raiders fan is way better. Okay. He's a Raiders fan. So don't change fan is way better. Okay, he's a Raiders fan. So don't change the image you already had in your head one bit. Just change the hat he's wearing. I don't want fucking Trump fucking anti-immigration people

to think I'm being racist. I'm talking about Raiders fans that happen to be Mexican and wear hats with their ears tucked in. Baseball hats with their ears tucked in. And after I looked at his eyes, he might have also been a little special needs-y. Well, that's what I thought when he was talking about the special needs kids.

I thought he was talking about the guy. Yeah, like, no, he was sitting in front of us. I'm talking about the crybaby in the back. He's like, no, it was four rows back from us. I'm like, no, it was the guy in front of us. I'm talking about the crybaby in the back. No, he's like, no, it was four rows back from us. I'm like, no, it was the guy in front of us. God. I didn't even realize this was a problem until later because I was focused on trying to get maybe 30 minutes of sleep and that fucking crying baby.

I didn't know. But, Joby, tell me how it started. No, no. So we're not even taxing yet. We just sat down and I told Chad a story. I was taking a flight to Kansas City and there was this fucking dumbass cunt of a kid, 19 years old, going into boot camp and did that shit. He's like, oh, yeah, just recline his seat back like listen i'm i'm six two could you not do that he's like no no i can do that i'm going to boot camp and i'm

going to be a marine and uh yeah there's a button i can do this the whole flight through i'm like just be a good guy just don't do this he's like no we're gonna have a disagreement go ahead yeah so like i hope you get your ass beaten boot camp you little cunt because did you say that yeah because uh guess what uh just because you can do something doesn't mean you should he'll learn that in boot camp yeah so uh so i was telling the story to chad you know fucking cunt he leans his seat back anyone leans their seat back and on a flight is a dick but uh so yeah and then uh we sit you know we've sit down then other people file in then these two fuckers come in in front of us sit down in the aisle in front and then what happens the fucker leaned his seat

all the way back on me so i just pushed my knees against the fucking back of it and pushed up, and then he went to push the button to adjust it again, and when he did, I shoved that motherfucker all the way forward. What? Yeah. Oh, and I helped him, too. I was like...

We went through it multiple times of him pushing. At one point, I wanted to buy internet on my phone so I could Google what happens if I get in a fucking fistfight on an airplane. I'm like, I need to know the consequences of this because this motherfucker is about to get beat on this fucking airplane. And this was taxing and taking off through the flight. That was the longest taxi. I downloaded an entire episode of Frontier from when we started moving the plane until we finally took off.

It was forever. The whole fight seemed to take forever to me because I was fighting this dude with his seat. I'm putting my forearms on it and my fist on the back of it. And I'm helping him, too. So every time he would fucking push it back, as soon as he pushed that button on the back, I'd show forward. Yeah, yeah.

And so every time Doug would say something like, oh, we'll hit the... Yelling about the baby? No, no, no. When we get to Vegas, we'll hit the smoking lounge in Vegas. I'm like, oh, well, they don't want to have dickheads there that recline their seats. And I'm just... I'm trying to be not... I'm egging this motherfucker on.

I'm trying to be not aggressive at all because I don't have a middle ground. I can't go, hey, dude, I'm a big dude. Maybe can you not do that? I can't do that because I'll put him in a chokehold halfway through. Oh, you weren't being a diplomat. No, I was being a dick about it. On the way back,

we're going to... Either I sit with Chad... Yeah, we need to separate chad and i because i was being that asshole about it it's like oh no i'm just like agonizing about like anything that came up it's like oh well they don't have reclining seats there that people can fuck us up so we should be good he antagonized him to the point i think when you guys saw it that's when he slammed no no no that me. That's when you guys probably noticed. I didn't see any of this. Here's how it went down when he finally

flipped. I just said out of nowhere, I'm like, hey, do you follow passenger shaming? That's right. This is where I chime in. No, and I said... Wait, wait, wait. For the listener, if you don't follow passenger shaming on Twitter,

please do. They call out people who are dicks. Bingo is everyone that they call out. She puts her feet on everything. In the magazine rack and then puts the... I love passenger shaming. The tray table down and sleeps on it and then jerks it so the person in front of her is being jerked back

and forth and... But I've met her. She's come to shows. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a chick that runs passenger shaming. She's great. Really? I love her. I like her. She's fantastic. She used to be a flight attendant. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I didn't see any of this. This whole time, I shoved my...

Well, that's what set him off, because I said, hey, do you follow passenger shaming? And I just said, yes or no, it doesn't matter what Chad's going to say. And they're like, oh, yeah, then... I heard it through my earplugs. I didn't hear a thingugs I thought you were talking about the fucking baby in the back and I said oh

did you just say passenger shaming and then I see the guy in front of Chad and he said something you missed what I said immediately afterwards of that was oh yeah it's a great site

like snap pictures of assholes that do stupid shit on planes like recline their fucking seats you know when they're you know when they're landing and you know so I'm just egging this guy on and he does that

then he starts jerking his seat and then I saw Chad's countenance fall sour. Oh, it had been sour the entire fucking time. I'm trying to figure out how.

I ruined everything. I wanted to. I just pictured myself standing up and choking him out from the back right there. I thought maybe while I was hoping the plane would crash,

I go, if this plane starts to crash, I'm beating the fuck out of this guy all the way down. There's no way because this motherfucker's not going without it. That would be my last action. Oh, I felt bad because I egged him on. But then when he slammed it back, everyone was like, what the fuck? And he had to shove it.

And that's when I thought you guys knew because I yelled, what the fuck? This is where I disagree with both of you tall guys and we're going to fucking sit on the way back. We're going to... Chaley and I are short guys. You're tall guys. When you book the seats and I

made sure we're all in the same row, we're all together and they have an asterisk when you select seats for seats that don't recline. I need seats that

recline so I can maybe take a nap. And if some stupid, fat, tall motherfucker is behind me, it's your fault. I'll shove your seat forward. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You bought the seat.

Yeah, I'm not saying... You bought the seat that they gave you. I'm not saying you're wrong and I'm right. I'm just saying this is what happened. Yeah, exactly. Seats recline for a reason because you want a reclining seat. Just because you got a fucked up seat... Wait, there's no law that says you can't fart in someone's face, but it's not proper.

Actually, there are laws. Strippers are, it's illegal for flatulence from a stripper into a customer's face. God damn it, Shaylee, you fucked me up there. Sorry. Really? You just ruined everything. Yes, and. I hate you.

Yes, and. There's a lot of things that you can do on an airplane that you shouldn't do. Yes. Recline your seat is not one thing. No, okay, here's the deal. That was not even a real fucking airplane. He couldn't recline. My knees were already against the seat when he reclined it.

Yes, here's the thing. The reclining seats only work if everyone reclines. If someone doesn't, like, no. No, you should sit behind your seat. You should sit right behind me. You're not an asshole. There's people behind me. Exactly.

Then they recline their seat. No. I'm just happy. We all have to get on the same page and talk about that. I do not recline my seat. I'm willing to be a team player. I understand that being on a plane, you're uncomfortable. I do not recline my seat because I don't want to get any amount of comfort.

I want to be uncomfortable until I fucking get off that plane. You should only be behind the emergency exit rows because they cannot recline. So that's where you should sit. I just don't want to fucking sit wherever I want. If they did that, I'd sit in first class. So we're all in the fucking same row. Listen, I was fine with it. The fucking guy kept, he wanted to fight and i wanted to fight

and we were on an airplane so we had to just push chair back and forth between us we're landing and doug i've got my earplugs jammed so fucking wait before this i'm sorry uh there was a storm coming you know when we were landing they there was a really, really good storm. Lots of turbulence. The plane was just bucking and fucking whipping. It was fucking great. That was the only time in the flight the fucking kid was not screaming.

Stan Hope yells out, oh, we're all going to die. It's about time you start screaming now. I said that? Yeah. I think you said something to the effect of, start crying now, baby, because we're going down. I was talking to the baby in the bag, not the guy in front of me.

No, no, no. We didn't know about this guy. No, no, that was the same. That wasn't until you noticed something was up. Then you said something smart-ass to that guy. So when we landed in vegas i see this fucking look on chad shanks we we were landing and there was something going on and i kept like my ear my headphones were so plugged like the earbuds were so jammed into my head because of the kid

i didn't know any of this was going on and then doug starts saying like hey there's a thing here and he's pointing over there and i pull one out so i can hear what he's saying clearly and i'm like oh fuck and i shoved it right back in i want nothing i want nothing i want to be so surprised as the guy you're gonna throttle because i don't want to know what's going to happen because I know what's going to happen. Because I see Chad. He's got his hand in this uncomfortable position. That's not a normal position for a hand. And to be up against, you're pushing against the back of his seat.

And I'm like, if this goes down, I want to be as like, no, that guy had nothing to do with it. I'm the guy that had nothing to do with it. But I told Chaley, we're stopped, but everyone's standing up to unload. We're back far enough that you can see everyone deplaning. But we're not getting up yet. I noticed you guys got up and made a barrier in yeah i did i did i said he goes shaley get up and move back let me get between that guy because that guy's in front of you let me just stand there prematurely because we don't get up that early but then i started doing those like stretching like i'm like isometrics like oh nothing to see here

we're not trying to break up a fight you know this 40 minute flight I need to stretch so Chaley moves back lets me stand between you and that guy I noticed I felt a lot like

a pimp that didn't come to fruition. I was just trying to sell a fight. Well, go ahead. Oh, go ahead. I was going to say, Chad, medicinal marijuana is medicinal for you. Absolutely. Oh, yeah.

And you hadn't had your medicine all the time. But in Vegas, it's now recreation. Jesus Christ, you were five hours dry. I smoked it at like 9.30 in the morning. Fries, yeah. Ten hours? Yeah, so that was a whole day. But again, I'm a fucking lunatic, but I know how to be a diplomat, too.

And it's a lot easier. I didn't fucking pay for this flight. I'm not on a thing by myself. I'm fucking here with you guys. I feel like I kind of represent you guys right. I don't want to fucking be that guy. But I didn't help either. It was kind of my fault.

No, you didn't help at all, you dick. Hey, Joby, you did your job. You attacking this motherfucker. You gotta put the bear. It's still the bear's fault for attacking. Joby and I, now we desperately need a cigarette. Yes. So we get down to baggage claim.

You're still... I just want to be home. I still didn't know the severity of the situation at that point. We saved it for the podcast. Yeah. So our bags come up very quickly vegas is a fucking terrible it's a nice airport but it's terribly long so far to walk to the yes you'd be if your bags aren't there by the time you get there they're not coming there they they were there

especially damaged bags we smoked jo Joby and I smoked outside. Where's the taxi stand? I go, we're getting the first car so we get a fucking limo. Not a limo. It was a limo service. It was a Cadillac Escalade. From Croatia.

So Joby clued me into we need to get to a dispensary. As soon as possible. And the guy brought us right to the dispensary next to the dive bar. For listeners who know, this is the bar that I started comedy in. We did my 25th anniversary at that bar. comedy and we did my 25th anniversary at that bar he just happened to go to a dispensary in the same strip mall as the dive bar and so we went and got a beer to take the edge off of chad shank

while he's in the dispensary getting his weed to take the edge off of him we get to the fucking to take the edge off of him. We get to the fucking Luxor and we got here and we're smoking in the room with a wet towel under the door and Chaley just sprayed Axe body spray in the hallway in case any cigarettes smoke.

The podcasts I love best are the podcasts you learn from. And what? What? I don't know the podcasts you learn from. And what? What? I don't know. Don't ask for an explanation. Axe Body Spray, I do not agree with their formula.

But I cannot. I cannot. What the fuck does that mean? Listen, it works. It fucking works people text me and email me that the fucking that is

that's the fucking smoke killer I would be surprised I would be very surprised if we get charged I think it just smells so bad that people run away Chad got

Chad got weed we're drinking alcohol and we just got here so this is we got a big weekend we got Frank Mir Richard Hunter it's all over by the time this goes out

hey Chad do some thank yous for the people that sent you money here's this guy here's that guy letters here this is Chad Shank sent you money. Here's this guy. Here's that guy. Letters here. This is Chad Shank. Thanks for your Monday motivations and your fantastic contributions

to the podcast. Here's $30 in weed money for you to not kill yourself the next couple of days. Espen from Norway. Oh, nice. You just bought me a pre-roll at the most expensive dispensary in Las Vegas. And I thank you so much because you've not only saved my life, but probably somebody else's.

Go down to the last two lines. All right. Jeremy. Oh, God. Jeremy from Minneapolis. Thank you very much. I appreciate the cash, Jeremy. Oh, God. Jeremy from Minneapolis. Thank you very much. I appreciate the cash, Jeremy. You guys are great.

Yep. All right. There's going to be more of these podcasts, obviously, because we just got here. God damn it. That was a good one. Let's play some roulette. Let's podcast at Tommy Rocker's during football. Well, we'll talk about that.

We'll see how we feel. That'll be fun. Listen, we have a full fucking four days here. We just landed. And it's a good. Yeah. So he was. I'm going to bed.

No, you're going down to the floor with us. I'm going down to smoke one more time, and then I'm going to bed. No, you're going down to the floor with us. I'm going down to smoke one more time, and then I'm going to bed. I've been up for two days. Let's go to the floor, and then we'll be done. All right. Hey, thanks for following along. The Vegas thing has just begun. It's already gross. What's that?

Hour 20? I am so happy. Is that hour 20? Dude, I am so... No. I like to guess. I'm so happy just seeing you and Roxy hug has made my month. That was the sweetest...

Tears in your eyes. That was the sweetest thing. It in your eyes. That was the sweetest thing. It was natural. Hey, you know what? If you, the listeners, retweet this podcast when it comes out at Delta. Yes. And hashtag Roxy. Hashtag Roxy.

And hashtag Timxy. Hashtag Roxy. And hashtag Tim Fields. You'll never see that, but I wrote, she's like, you gotta write down, I'm not on Twitter. You gotta write down your Twitter. Yeah. It's so nice when you can do something

that takes no skin off your nose and yet it is, it's genuine. Yeah, she was nice. I'm getting emotional again. I know. All right. You claimed you didn't cry, but motherfucker, you and Roxy mixed tears.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Your eyes are a little glassy. It's football weather. Yeah. All right. I got to go. And football emotions. Yep.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. I don't want to hear what you were talking about Before the first drink you're like a thorn in my fall And once I get that lubricant, can't work it wrong I don't burn trees, I like the bears that are coming I was feeling sort of bumpy, now I kind of feel funny Don't expect me to be civil when I'm sober Your news is nothing, I can't feel funny. Don't expect me to be civil when I'm sober.

Your news is nothing. I can't stand to hear. You make the pounding worse when I start thinking. And I don't even like you when I'm drinking. No, I don't even like you when I'm drinking. The ride gets rocky and I just need a bump So I can walk the risk of such a night one of chalk Oh, there's maybe something that you can't understand But mine is not a way that's meant for any other man

People make me crazy and it's worth to be honest. When I'm sober, make a mental note and try to stay gone. Flame proof, test my name immune to your ends. Just leave me with my good friends, my booze and some pills. Don't expect me to be civil when I'm sober Your news is nothin' I can say to you You make the poundin' worse when I start thinkin' And I don't even like you when I'm drinkin' No, I don't even like you when I'm drinkin' So don't you worry why I chose the route that I'll fly I prefer it when it's crazy cause I feel more alive

I never knew exactly what I wanted to be But I found that making laughter is a way to stay free Don't expect me to be civil when I'm sober Your news is nothing I can stand to hear You make the family worse when I start thinking And I don't even like you when I'm drinking No I don't even like you when I'm drinking No I don't even like you when I'm drinking

No I don't even like it when I'm drinking No, I don't even like you when I'm drinking Hey! If you want free bacon, I can't do that old Jewish dilemma joke from the 80s. What's a Jewish dilemma? Free pork. Back then it was funny. Now I get my whole podcast shut down and lose a sponsor.

Now I know I want to apologize to my listening community. Alright, I'll start over, Chaley.