The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #290: What Happened in Vegas ...

Episode Date: December 19, 2018

Doug, Chad, Jobi and Chaille return from Vegas and decompress by reviewing the weekend over cocktails in the FunHouse.  Email your questions for the podcast to [e-mail] Recorded Dec 4th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Jobi (@StanhopesCDP), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille  This episode is sponsored by [Robinhood.com](http://Stanhope.Robinhood.com) – Robin hood is the investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFS, options and Cryptos - all commission free. Robinhood is giving our podcast listeners a FREE stock like Apple, Ford, or Sprint to help build your portfolio just for signing up at [Stanhope.Robinhood.com](http://Stanhope.Robinhood.com). [PricelessPillow.com](www.PricelessPillows.com) – The most comfortable pillow you will ever sleep on. Log on to [**www.PricelessPillows.com**](www.PricelessPillows.com) and use the promo code **STANHOPE** for 30% off your purchase.  Stanhope Store Merch - New Podcast Coffee Mug and the last of the VHS copies of “Popov Vodka presents Doug Stanhope in the Funhouse”. [http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/) LINKS - Matt Markman - @MattMarkman Andrew Sleighter - @AndrewSleighter ‏ WeedMaps - [https://weedmaps.com/](https://weedmaps.com/) The Dispensary NV - [https://thedispensarynv.com/](https://thedispensarynv.com/) Build-A-Luge - [https://www.build-a-luge.com/](https://www.build-a-luge.com/) Phone Booth Fightin' Podcast - @phoneboothfight - [http://phoneboothfighting.com/](http://phoneboothfighting.com/) Syndicate MMA, Las Vegas, NV - [https://syndicatemmavegas.com/](https://syndicatemmavegas.com/) We like what they are doing over at [http://www.FIRRP.org](http://www.FIRRP.org) - Check it out Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org) Closing song, “Doug Stanhope is so Neat”, sung to the tune of “Don't Stand So Close To Me” (by The Police). Sent to us by Trevor Jones. Available on Bandcamp - [https://dougstanhopeissoneat.bandcamp.com/track/doug-stanhope-is-so-neat](https://dougstanhopeissoneat.bandcamp.com/track/doug-stanhope-is-so-neat)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. I can't wait to be reminded of all the stuff that happened this weekend when Shaley tells us about his notes. his notes. You guys got to fill in your stuff. I was walking around downtown and going to Tommy Rocker's. That's the stuff you wrote down? Jesus, Shaley. The things I saw.

You're bringing the podcast down. Here's a story. I went to Tommy Rocker's by myself. Well, that was the night I had to pour it. Yeah, let's go. Let's do it. Are we rolling? Yeah, we're good.

This is the last Doug Stanhope podcast you're listening to. Or so it feels. Just drug ass back into the fun house from four or five days in Vegas. Is that all it was? Yeah. It seemed like the second night we were there, we were like, we've been here for a week already. I thought it was time to go home on Saturday.

Yeah, Saturday was the good night where we all went to bed around 10 and I took a Seroquel and slept for 11 straight hours. Didn't even get up to piss. And then stayed in bed for all the early games. But, yeah, by now you've already heard the Swapcast, so you know about the fight. Phone booth fighting with Frank Mirren.

Dick Hunter. Dick Hunter. We got to meet Roxy. All that was in the other one, I think, right? No, no. No. Well, you talked about it, but we're kind of recapping. The Swapcast?

Did we talk about Roxy? Yeah, we did. A little bit. I couldn't hear a fucking thing on that podcast. I thought all those people were there to be guests of the podcast. No, we were just in a fucking really loud restaurant. Bar, restaurant. I was pretty drunk, but I do remember at one point suggesting it might be quieter if we moved

the podcast to the middle of the street. I'm sure I stepped on a thousand jokes because I couldn't hear who's talking at the end of the table. I think that's what we all did the whole time. But yeah, we stayed at the Luxor, which I've never stayed in before that I remember. That was my first time, too.

I've never even been in there. It's the pyramid. So the rooms are all like just when you have a hotel where all the balconies face inwards and you can look down into the atrium or whatever. But now you're looking at the whole casino, and it's the inside of a pyramid. And I remember when we got off the plane, we were fucking tanked. And if you have any kind of vertigo, any fear of heights, fortunately, I was drunk.

I remember once going, we used to stop at that place. It's not Gene, Nevada, but when you're coming from L.A., the first state line between L.A. and Nevada. With the roller coaster going through the casino? So, yeah, we would occasionally stop there on a drive from L.A. and just go in and ride this roller coaster because it's fucking terrifying, and it's really, really high. You can almost see fucking Vegas from 40 miles away.

Except for the smog. And we'd stop there just for the adrenaline rush to wake us up from driving that long. And then ditch out. And I remember once I stayed there with Renee. And we did the roller coaster right away. And I fucking woke up full of adrenaline. And then I hit let it ride and gambled for like eight hours, losing

my ass and drinking free drinks. And then we rode the roller coaster again and I basically had my arms crossed, yawning in the roller coaster. But we were that... That was the Desperado roller coaster at Buffalo Bills in Prim.

Prim. But that was one of those things where I would have been terrified. Joby, when we got on the 20th floor looking down, I measured the railing with my waist where, okay, I'm short enough that if I hit this railing drunk, I wouldn't go over. But Chad and Joby, you're going fucking 20 floors down, which I don't want to cut to later in the weekend when you were both plotting where you wanted to land,

contemplating the jump. Yeah, you know what? You're right, because those fake buildings could actually, like, Dar Robinson break your fall because it's about halfway up. Those tissue paper building. Jesus. But Joby, when we first got there,

was literally dragging his shoulder against the inside wall to not be close to the edge. And of course we smoked in the room, but Chaley packs the Axe body spray that will get rid of any smell of a cadaver. Chaley also realized and pointed out that smoking is allowed all down on the casino floor. It's all floating up. It's all in the whole building. The thickness of the pyramid is as thick as a room.

Everything else is open air. And down below, everyone smokes. Smoke rises. So, yeah, it's like, what could their defense be? It's not a hall. Because we've been in them before, Doug, where just your jacket smelled like smoke. To where just walking in to the room, the hallway has a little bit of hang time of that smoke. Joby figured out, just go outside the room and just smoke on the railing.

And at one point later in the weekend, we're smoking and we leaned on that railing where it was midway through at its weakest point and it gave. It was giving. When you guys showed me that, Joby grabbed it and shook it, and the whole thing moved like a wave down. I got scared for the night before when Joby and I were drunk as fuck, literally hanging over it, talking about how we're going to die. Yeah, we can let people gamble on which of the spots we land on. I wanted to try to push further out to hit the carpet so it wasn't an easy mop.

They had to actually do some work. Joby and Chad were talking about, they were debating whether they wanted to die in the plane crash coming in or going out. And I go, no, that's already bingo. And I already have that. We can't die in a plane crash without bingo. We plotted that.

Well, we didn't plan it, but we're hoping for it. It's like seeing a movie without your boyfriend or girlfriend. You promised! I had the opposite problem. Every other time I fly, I have Jenny with me, and she doesn't want to die in a plane crash, so I can't actively hope that when she's with me. You guys could Leonard Skinner-ed it.

Take different planes. We did that podcast because it was such a high, that whole podcast with the Delta Sky Club and Matt Bronger. Roxy and the Sky Club? Roxy and the Sky Club. Different Roxy. There was two Roxys on this trip. Don't worry, honey. Neither of them were hookers.

We didn't get the hookers' names. They didn't bring a champagne. And so, again, we were tanked, but we wanted to do that podcast right away when we landed before we forgot all the details. And then I curled up in a bed and I on top of the bed in my full suit with one of those dumb like roller pillows. It's like a body pillow thing. It's a decorative.

It's taken off the bed to go. Wait, those aren't motel sex pillows? They're like styrofoam things you wave around in a pool but thicker and uncomfortable. A noodle. A pool, but thicker and uncomfortable. A noodle. Pool noodle. Pool noodle.

And I remember going, I could pass out so hard right now, but it's so uncomfortable. And if I just get up to take off my shoes and get under the covers and get a real pillow, well, then I'm going to be up anyway. So I should go gamble with you guys. to be up anyway, so I should go gamble with you guys. And that was probably, I don't know, 1130 at night, and I didn't know where you guys were gambling, so I just hit roulette, and I was there until 6, 630 in the morning, losing, taking that March of Shame to the ATM. You didn't remember where we were gambling.

We all agreed we were all going up to bed was the last time when we saw you. Yeah, but you weren't in bed. Were you, Chaley? No, I went to Tommy Rocker's to get some food. But isn't that when you went out with Hennigan? No, no. That was by myself that night

because then you called me and you'd left your key somewhere and you had to wait in that big, long, fucking Disneyland Space Mountain line at fuck check it was the check-in line was like trying to get through airport security right after 9-11 outside the airport it was taking their belts off it was that long uh you did that at about one in the morning because you called me and i said well i'm not there because i couldn't get you in he goes ah fuck i i gotta go get in line to get a key like wait you were going to bed it probably

saved me like 400 just the amount of time i was in line and not gambling uh but then when i did come home at 3 30 after having some food at rockers me, meandering around. I think I went and got an egg sandwich, too. And I went back to the room, and you were not there. You still weren't there. And then at about 5.30, 5.40 in the morning, you come walking in and tell me that – I go, oh, wait, you were gambling? Yeah. And he goes, how'd you do?

And you go, the house is holding some of my money. He texted me the next morning. He's like, I lost $1,400. Can you go down and find it for me? Go to the lost and found? I did that when we went to Tommy Rocker's on Sunday night. I asked the worst waitress in the world. I said, is there a lost and found here?

She goes, a lost and found? I go, yeah, it's been several years since I've been here, but I swear I left a bunch of Coke on the top of the toilet tank in the men's room. I believe that's where Bingo got thrown out on her 30th birthday. Yeah, that's when Tommy comes up to me and he's like, you've got to get her the fuck out of here. You've got to get her out. Oh, yeah. You were doing coke. I mean, you weren't caught, but they knew you were fucked up.

Anyway, you get thrown out. I remember that. Yeah, you took off your clothes in the bathroom. And Tommy's like, she's got to go, man. Well, he was gun shy since we had the wedding there with Renee, the fake wedding. Yeah. I'm going gonna lose my license he's pacing like a panther in the back of the room turn the lights down turn the lights down there's a naked elvis teabagging a midget putting cocktail olives up his ass and then hurling him at the crowd

oh tommy by the way that's not beer he's drinking. As you can tell, by the way, he pissed into a pint glass and then chugged it. He was Inman before Inman. Cheers, everyone. We're all drinking that same dishwater. I'm really glad I didn't start hanging out with you guys until you got old. Well, it's funny. Extreme Elvis.

You know this. He stopped doing the Extreme Elvis act. No, he's just Elvis. Well, no. He moved to Amsterdam to go to college, and that's where he met AJ randomly. And they had a conversation. Oh, really? What comics do you like?

Doug Stano? I know Doug Stano. That's funny. Oh, I? What comics do you like? Doug Stano? I know Doug Stano. That's funny. Oh, I performed his wedding and walked the room. Oh, I threw up gin all over his driveway. And then they became fast friends. But yeah, you went out with a Hennigan. Well, the next day we met Big Dick Hunter and his gal, Jennifer, at the pizza place. Oh, my God.

That was a fucking nightmare. I don't know who picked that place, but it was like a mall. And it was like a pizza place. It was a fancier restaurant next to the food court. That's basically what it was. There was a place that sold bath bombs across the way and the luggage tag wouldn't pour in. It was like 6pm

and we sit down and it's very loud. It's a Friday night. So, you know, it's just douchebag central. Never go to Vegas on a weekend. It's the fucking worst. And they had a magician there as soon as we sat down. And yeah, it's 6pm. We're still hungover hungover from, I will gamble till 6.30 a.m.

A fire-eating magician. I never made eye contact. And we're at the closest table. It's just like a fucking pizza place. And the guy's got a headset. The next show starts in 10 minutes. I go, we're ordering now. What can I get in nine minutes or less?

I can just hoon down my head. I could hear that guy talking at another table before we knew that there was entertainment here and that guy was already annoying the shit out of me without a microphone. Yeah. He's doing all that magician patter even though he's used to doing

to a larger group. He's doing it to a group of six people and it just doesn't always scale exactly right. But when he was up there and made the announcement, putting on his headset, I'm like, why is there a fire extinguisher where the PA is set up? That's a weird code. I mean, because it's where the busboy station would be. They clear it out for him.

And there's a fire extinguisher there. And I'm like, they can't put fire in here. What's going on? But the din was perfect for what was to come. It was a short show. Yeah. Fortunately. Three acts.

Three tricks. Hey, come on. I want to hear some more. I'm not even going to fucking look at you. I'm going to check texts that don't exist. I'm going to look at my phone. I clapped as loud as possible, so he wouldn't say that we weren't loud again, hopefully, even though I knew that was just part of the shtick. Yeah, that's always too bad.

Yeah, for the listeners, next time you go to a comedy show and the emcee says, or the off-mic announcement says, hey, how's everyone doing? And then everyone claps and they say, you can do better than that. Don't clap at all. Oh, shut down. Yeah, just don't fucking nothing. In great. Yeah, I could do better than that, but take what you get the first time, fuckhead.

Give you what you deserve. Take what you get the first time, fuckhead. Give you what you deserve. I don't even know if this show is good and you want me to fucking act like I'm fucking happier. This podcast is going to go like that. No one's very happy. Well, that day that we did go to Slice, earlier the day I took that one Lyft out to Ikea and on the way back

it was that the gal who used to work for the cab company oh yeah this is good I have a thing I talk sometimes I get chatty with the

with the driver especially Lyft and Uber because I always like to hear him talk smack about taxi drivers well being in Vegas I took advantage

that she was chatty and a horrible fucking driver. She would make no... I saw her blow a stop sign right in front of me, and then she told me why. She goes, these are private property stop signs. I don't pay attention. It's like, wait a minute. You just can't choose

to follow some of the rules of the road. I do the same thing. Well, I mean, if it's a dumb stop sign in a fucking half empty Walmart parking lot that you can see everything, I'm not going to stop. If the cops can't do shit about an accident in a private parking lot, which I now know that they can't, they can't do shit about a stop sign either. That's fine. It's just weird that that's how you make a living. She was a cabbie for 30 years.

for 30 years? The last company she worked for was 10 years. And like a couple, like two weeks or a couple days before her 10-year anniversary, they shit-canned her. And I go, why? She goes, because I wouldn't lie. And I'm like, here we go. Take the long way.

And I asked her, so like, I get that you don't probably like cabbages. They're all thieves and whatever. So what are ways they rip us off? She goes, long haul. What? Long haul.

You know when you get in the cab at the airport and you get on the freeway? I go, yeah, I've never been here. And they didn't take the freeway. She goes, that adds about $12 to $13 on every trip. There's no reason to take that. And they do that because they're ripping you off. And they call it the golden triangle. Was it Tommy's you were saying?

They could never get a cab? We used to try and get cabs from Tommy's, and it would take a long time, and Tommy would end up giving us a ride. And the reason is because they don't want to leave the strip. Downtown. Downtown where the— And the airport. Fremont Street and the airport

and just getting off of Tropicana or something down there to get on that little side road to get to Tommy's. Tommy's right across from the Rio.

It's not that far. But it's like Frogger. Yeah. If you went as the crow flies, you'd fucking die a million times. There's a million highways and spaghetti

fucking off ramps. So the long haul is basically, that's their way of padding their tips. And you said they even will go take streets they know the lights are fucked up and not synchronized. And they'll slow off the line. Oh, go.

And then they just know. But the long haul thing was funny because she said they'd write her up for not taking the way that they want you to take them, for not ripping off the tourists. And then after they write you up, then they'll just go, yeah, we're letting you go. And it's because she wouldn't do the unscrupulous practices,

which is all of us figure that's what's going on anyway. I just didn't know they had cute names for it. Like the long haul and the fucking... What was the one time we took a cab, what was the tactic he used? The confused guy? Dumb. The guy that wouldn't use the GPS when we were going to the fights. Kept insisting, we passed it!

He does a U-turn. He did two U-turns. I'll just pull in here and figure it out. He pulls halfway into the driveway of a shopping mall. The apron. With the ass still sticking out into the road and just starts typing into his phone or yelling into his phone where he wanted to go.

I say that too. I go, look, I don't even take cabs, but every once in a while we'll take one just to see, and it never disappoints. It's exactly the reason why you don't fucking take cabs. I told him, I go, just let me out here, and I'll get an Uber the rest of the way. Well, your night out with Hennigan,

when he was trying to get a lift, Hennigan, you said that night was the drunkest you'd seen him, I'll say in a long time, because I heard a couple comedy story stories where he was. His tell is he starts hitting. He gets punchy. Yeah, he gets kind of punchy. But we went to go to see Buddy Sal.

He's the sound man up at Coots for years and years, and he works at the third stage down there Coots for years and years and he works at the third stage down there on Fremont Street and he can't leave so we split and we go to this

little downtown bar, the little secret sneaky bar. It's fucking Friday night. We get right in. It's great. Sit down, have a couple of

Oh yeah, it's like a speakeasy. Yeah, so we had a couple of martinis. Oh, first time with a gin martini. Pretty good.

But it's the deft hand that makes them that's probably I've never had a gin martini before Pretty good. But it's the deft hand that makes them that's probably... I've never had a gin martini before. It was fucking great. I like gin. Yeah, but I didn't know how it was going to taste with a dirty martini. Dirty gin martini.

Anyway, we sat there and had a cup, two drinks. And then we're having a nice conversation. And then he leans over and goes, I believe it's time to go. But he... Something happened. I mean, I believe it's time to go. But he... Something happened. I mean, he just fucking switched turn really quickly. And I drank the same amount while we were sitting

there. You got roofied? I don't know. Maybe. There's no way. Well, he said... Chaley said that he was trying to get him into a lift and Hennigan couldn't put his own address into the lift, but he was pointing at the map towards the neighborhood. I can't make this work, is what he said. And then the next day he told me, because I basically put him into a cab and hoped for the best.

Not a cab, but a lift. Basically, I put him into a cab and hoped for the best. Not a cab, but a Lyft. And the next day he said, it was really interesting. The driver was telling a very interesting story. And I remember him telling the story. And it even got to, I was at my destination. And he stopped and finished the story.

And I remember that. And I don't remember a thing he said from what i like the uber driver was insistent on him hearing the end of the story and made him sit in front of his own place wherever he stays with his squeeze out there which she was not brian followed the rules on boys weekend i go you know it's boys weekend you can't be bringing your girlfriend out with us because someone's going to tweet a picture. And then our wives are going to give a shit. It's really boys weekend because I don't need people staring at me, gambling, losing, and judging me. Well, it is odd that Hennigan had some kind of politeness to sit and listen to the story. He'd usually just fucking just break the window out with his elbow and crawl out and go, fuck off.

I'm not fucking listening to this shit. Enough! Four stars. But yeah, he was fun. I kept forgetting he was there because he wasn't with us at the Luxor. Yeah. He'd show up like when he showed up at tommy rocker's tommy rocker is a friend of ours he owns a couple places in vegas

just great you know a fucking drinker's bar a service industry bar like where you know bartenders go to drink and we saw them we saw him last at uh up in winnipeg he's like kind of the mascot of the las vegas golden knights hockey team unofficial unofficial but he dresses up in Winnipeg. He's like kind of the mascot of the Las Vegas Golden Knights hockey team. Unofficial. Unofficial. But he dresses up in gold lame with a giant stupid top hat. And he's always got front row. But he's a fucking great guy.

He's been around forever. I sat down with him. He's fucking 70 years old now. Like, I gave him the half hug where I felt his fucking ribs. I'm like, I'm not giving him a whole hug because I might break this guy. But they look great. Him and his wife, Donna, they look great. And they're living the fucking life.

And I sat down with him. I said, you realize when I first met you, I was living here doing fraud telemarketing, trying to be a stand-up comic, doing open mic. first met you, I was living here doing fraud telemarketing, trying to be a stand-up comic, doing open mic, and he had his old bar, his first bar on Decatur or whatever it was on. Yeah, Decatur.

And I was in love with his ex-girlfriend who still played there, but I was afraid of not, because he's your comic, you should do a show here. And I'm like, if he finds out I'm kind of not because he's your comic yeah you should do a show here and I'm like oh if he finds out I'm kind of dating his ex I might not get

work and I said that and I said back then I was doing fraud telemarketing and now that guy that was my boss that fired me for customer abuse is your new governor you're the fucking unofficial mascot

and fucking vegas renowned tommy rocker and uh here we sit it was it was nice it was a nice uh fuck how many years has this been almost 30 years, he sent me a nice text after we left just saying it's kind of crazy how, you know, a couple crazy years back in Alaska and here we are still good friends and, you know, just it's nice to see him. Yeah, he was around for the hardcore oil days up in Anchorage. He was up there during the pipeline years and that's where where he... Yeah. That's how he built his bars, basically, in Vegas. But after that... See...

Which night was that? No, we went to... Well, what we were in town for, originally. Yeah, the fight. To the fight. I missed. And then the podcast that... We all missed.

Yeah. Yeah. Couldn't hear a fucking thing. So Syndicate MMA is where the fight was. Great joint. It wasn't UFC. UFC has a huge facility out there, I found out. Right, but it's a training camp for UFC fighters. UFC fighters are... And you guys get

to meet your favorite chick fighter. Roxanne Montefiore. Favorite all-around fighter. I just love her to death. She's just great. And we tortured her on Twitter to come to the After Party podcast. She was sweet about it, but yeah. But then they had the comedy show.

Frank Mir and Dick Hunter also do comedy. So we went to the show at the Stratosphere. On Sunday, right? On Sunday. Sunday. So we went to the show at the Stratosphere. On Sunday, right? On Sunday.

I sat in that fucking sports book after getting a good night's sleep Saturday night, missing most of the early games, just watching the one that's on network in the room before I went to the sports book to get money on the Patriots, put $100 on the Patriots in the sports book minus five and a half against the Vikings. And then I just stared at my video poker machine at the sports book bar and occasionally would look up at the game. And I lost probably $300 to win the $100 on the game I never watched. But I drank. Chad was fucking great because, you know, is Chad good?

Chad, we found that bar that was away from people. No one's at the fucking sports book on a Friday night. They're out fucking raving or some shit. It's crazy kids nowadays. Yeah, fucking making pretty babies that are going to be dumb as shit. There's a couple of old black guys. They weren't quite Sanford and Son and Lamont. That's right.

Yeah, the other black guys. Tobias and Junior. I remember their names. Junior was the old one. Gray hair. He was the one that was drunk and talking a lot. And Lamont was trying to get him out of there. I remember joking with you guys,

because they said they're going to some fucking booty place, and I go, oh, they're going to the Lookahouse. Miss Pat's audio book took us four chapters to realize she was saying liquor. They're going to the Lookahouse, and they just started giving... Chaley had to leave. He's like, this is just a screaming over each other.

You guys were drunk yell talking. And so I said, well, let me go to the Hooters bar and hotel and get some wings. But fucking Chad was a complete diplomat till Tobias could get Junior in a car and get him out of there and that's when our great bartender bill was the fucking best bartender ever at the luxor sports book he's like i i'm out uh bob is coming in and bob came in and bill says these guys are great wait now wait a minute let me set it up better than that. Not just these guys are great. This is Stan Hope, like you said, sitting. This was our bar.

We knew all the names of the bartenders and everybody. But Stan Hope over-tips a lot of times on this stuff. And I'm playing. And we're all playing, so we're drinking for free. But Stan Hope's tipping for the whole everybody. I mean, he's just. Well, you guys learned the fucking Vegas trick. If you don't have a lot

of money, you play a fucking quarter at a time when they're looking. Yeah. And then just keep drinking free drinks. But so these guys, Bill was... And not just Bill, there was actually a couple of them that reached the point where they were just constantly looking

at us to see. They'd just bring drinks over and they were like, dude, like Tracy does here. You just don't even realize you needed a drink and you're like, oh shit, I did need a drink. I thought this was empty. It's full. It's magic. So it was to that point. And he made

it a huge point to tell I just had to over tip Tracy. I just shamed you into it. So it was to that point. And he made it a huge point to tell. I just had to overtip Tracy. I just shamed you into it. Thanks, Chad. Right on. I'm going to find more ways to do that. Spread the wealth around.

He told Bob when he came up specifically, like one bartender or another, I watched the whole thing. He pulled them around because I was blackout in and out at that point. And this one part I was in. But he gave them He said, these guys are great. Hook these guys up. And gave us, gave them the He drinks vodka soda,

splash of crayon soda. This guy's doing vodka soda, splash ofon soda. This guy's doing vodka soda splash of grapefruit. And Bob fucking turned his head away and said, I'm busy and walked away. So after Chad is complete diplomat with his fucking Fred Sanford and Lamont, he goes apoplectic on it. Fuck Bob. Fuck Bob. Fuck Bob. That's bullshit.

Trying to tell this guy that we're good customers and he doesn't even have the fucking time. Fuck Bob. Yeah, it was a pretty quick light switch that got turned there real fast. The next day, Stan Hope told me about this, and I remembered it. I didn't remember it until you told me, and then it all came back. But then I said, well, I'll apologize to Bob when we're back over there later.

He says, no, you should apologize to Bill. So as soon as we got down there, Bill was down there, and I told him, hey, Bill, I'm sorry. I lost my shit at Bob. Bill goes, Bob, fuck Bob. I'm going to stand up and see! But then there was a third bartender, Bruce,

who had the worst hair club for men to pay that I could ever describe. Not to pay, but hair transplants where he's old now, so he has where they took the original hair out of the back of his head perfect line he has a perfect bald spot on the back of the neck and just like you you

can't stop staring at it i think you might have had drawn on facial hair as well i'm not sure there was something weird about his facial hair everything was weird about him. Fuck that guy. And then that was Hangover Sunday, and Joby and Chad were down. Chad goes out to smoke weed, which is legal there, but you can't smoke it anywhere. You still have to go to a fucking dark parking lot like you're skipping school. And Joby was down and played a bit and got a few drinks. And then you both left and Bruce came up to me and goes,

what's that guy's problem about Joby? You know, every time I bring him a drink, I say good luck and he doesn't say anything back. He doesn't say thank you or anything. I go, no, we're just all really hung over he goes no i've had to deal with that guy he's he's been here for three days i had to deal with

that guy i like what are you putting this shit on me for i think everything is a fucking jinx in vegas that's why i like to gamble alone video pokers but like now you're queering my game. Somehow your negative energy is going into my fucking machine, you fuck. First time drinking with the guy who tried to order drinks. We sat there for 10 minutes, and he looked at us and kept walking by. More than once, he kept looking at us. I was like, is he mad? That was when Joby was trying to teach me how to do it, so we were sitting there gambling for a while.

Yeah, he didn't like us from the beginning. Well, it turns out that last night we were there, we came back Sunday night when Bill was there, and there was an off-duty bartender, Curtis, who was sitting next to me, and I was telling Bill about what a fucking Bruce is. He goes, oh, you're telling me? Hey, he says, hey, Curtis, you're talking about a guy that's a bag of shit give me one name he said bruce yeah it wasn't like he tried to hide the fact that unless you're dumping money into a machine

he did you are fucking more than invisible you don't exist on this planet as much as you like over tipped him as much as you like uh hearing uh cabbies and uber drivers talk shit each other we love the same thing with bartenders like bartenders talking shit but but but a cabbie's not giving me something i'm gonna drink you started tipping bruce i think you tipped him ten dollars for two or three drinks. Yeah, fuck that guy. Fuck him. Put it up your fucking ass sideways, Bruce.

No, you tipped him fucking $10 for two drinks. Yeah, fuck you. I tipped him fucking $10 for three and a half hours of sitting there drinking his drinks. But the thing was, I woke up and i got a booze shaky i didn't want to start drinking at fucking one o'clock in the afternoon i had to just to uh you know take the fucking edge off and usually i know how many after a fucking or midway into a bender when i have that kind of morning i know how many drinks it's going to take to make me even. I drank at that bar during football for at least three and a half hours,

and I must have drank at least six or seven drinks, and then we had to go to Tommy Rocker's for dinner, and I still had the booze shakes. So there's no fucking... When you're cheating them out of a fucking free drink for playing a quarter an hour you're not getting shit for your money i think it depended on who who was bartending the whole time as well because the the amount i know is different but i also noticed they still give you the ticket in your cup and uh when bill was serving us drinks it

always said sky on it and uh when bruce would serve us drinks it always said well yeah so i knew one of them was hooking us up and one wasn't that's interesting yeah reading the paperwork do we have to break for a commercial we're way past that now ah Ah, fuck it. Let's not do a commercial this week. Well, that's not the way this works, so. Oh, okay. So what do we do? We go back and take a break later? Yeah, I can do that. All right.

Because I'm not done. I still have notes. Oh, yeah. Let's take a break now. We've still got quite a bit of stuff. Yeah, because I want to get to you. I didn't even think of this because you're. Well, let me finish this.

I'll just tease it. You're the mark that will tip the worst bartender, which I'm guilty of a lot, too. Like, I want to buy their love. So I will over-tip a bar... Like, the fucking horrible waitress. I didn't over-tip her. I would have over-tipped her. I'm sure she got fired that night. I gave her Rockers. Yeah, Tommy Rockers. I didn't overtip her. I would have overtipped her.

I'm sure she got fired that night. I gave her Rockers. Yeah, Tommy Rockers. I thought the same thing. Yeah. I only gave her 25% where at Tommy's I'd have to fucking man up and give at least 50%. But that's not the first time. You were a mark in Vegas.

So when we come back, chaley will tell you about the buddhists please hold all right before we get to the sponsors uh a big thank you for the second magnetic sign we got for that stupid ford transit van that bought. The first one was a Bluatranny Auto Parts a fan sent us. This one comes from Wally Glenn, who's a friend of ours. I don't think he ever did comedy. He was always around it. He was a scorekeeper. Oh, no, he does pirate techniques, big shit for Burning Man.

He'd strap cuts of meat on his body and then some fireworks, and his friend would light them up, and he'd dance around like he had fireworks attached to your head. Kind of like a Kenny that's good at what he does, where Kenny will just, hey, I'm going to slide down the stairs in a fucking laundry basket.

Dare me? I'm going to eat a bunch of Burger King. But Wally Glenn is good at what he does. So he sent a magnetic sign for the side of the shuttle bus. It says, Inman's Mortuary and Barbecue, with a very high-definition photograph of fries and ribs. And then it says funeral special $899 includes casket, meats, and sides. We cater.

And then it has James Inman's actual phone number on it. So that's why I'm going to get a burner phone that if you're going to send more signs, I'll get it before the next podcast. I'll have a number. If you're going to send us a magnetic sign that we'll drive around Bisbee with, I'll have a burner phone number so we can play you the messages that we get from all your goofy signs. Thank you very much, Wally Glenn and the guy who sent the other one. We're trying to come up with ideas

ourselves, but our brains aren't that creative after this last five days. We also have a thank you from our not-dead friend. Oh, a thank you of sorts. Oh, yes. Easily

the worst. Atily the worst. At easily the worst. He, uh... He blocked Tracy. Well, he does have a mental illness, it turns out. He, well, he writes... Hang on,

for people who don't know, they always tweet us, hey, how come it's not on YouTube anymore? Well, our friend, at easily the worst, was doing this gratis. He was putting all of our podcasts on YouTube. And then, if you recall, he emailed us saying, hey, if you're reading this, I'm dead. I committed suicide and i sent this email out on a delay so i was sure to be dead when you get this so everyone who bitched on twitter

going hey why is it not on youtube anymore i go the guy killed himself don't you listen to the podcast our listeners do that time to time he killed, you selfish prick. Find it on Audioboom. Well, it turns out he had planned to kill himself, but got caught and had to do a long-term fucking psych stay. So he didn't kill himself. He just wasn't allowed on email or Twitter to tell us, hey, they caught me before it could happen. That's the short version and if at any point we know the longer version we'll tell you but he ain't dead

but he did sent us a package it's the letter says dear doug shaley and company these are my friends companies build a luge and holiday nightps. I've been telling them to send them to the Funhouse for years. Today, I just grabbed them and put them on their way. Be careful with the luge. It will sneak up on you faster than a Negroni. Anyway, these should get a lot of use at the Funhouse. Enjoy. As for me, not dead, unfortunately.

Still checked out. Keep it real and stay gold. At easily the worst. P.S. Tell Chad Shank he's the man. Hey, thanks. The luge is, if you've ever been in one of those fucking nitwit bars, fucking dance clubby places where they have a giant ice sculpture and you sit at the end of it and they pour vodka down it

and you fucking, whoo. Yeah, that's not going to get a lot of play around here. We try to drink less and not quickly. Yeah. But I can see a Kenny Gump thing. Oh, Kenny Gump. Yes, this is right up there. I think there'd be some use for it, definitely.

Super Bowl party. Yeah, yeah. There's some wagering involved. I think it could be fun. Oh, you mean the piss luge? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. There's some wagering involved. I think it could be fun. Oh, you mean the piss luge? Yeah. Oh, shit. He said it.

Blindfold piss luge. It's a thing. Pick a number between one and five. Yeah, there's five chicks and me after an asparagus smoothie. It's like piss roulette through an ice luge. So thank you for that. Thank you. Easily the worst.

Awesome. Hopefully you get back to YouTube soon, but I think we're going in a different direction. We have a company that contacted us about something.

We might go that way because I've never had a company call me and go, oh, we can do your YouTube stuff, but we might kill ourselves. Alright, thank you. Easily the worst. Thank you for all the people on

Twitter who said, are you serious? He killed himself? I'm like, yeah. Well, no, you didn't. I'm not saying you should have. I just kind of feel a little bit burned. Let's hit the sponsors. Robinhood. Chaley, this one's become a lot of fun.

Robinhood, I've gotten a lot of emails now because people are paying attention and talking to me about stocks they're doing with Robinhood. Oh, listeners are hitting you up on Twitter and email. And either giving me advice on stocks or asking for advice. I'm not a mad money guy. I'm just learning this too. Robinhood is an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFs. I haven't learned that one yet.

Options and cryptos, all commission-free. They strive to make financial services work for everyone, not just the wealthy. Wealthy like me. What does that mean? I'm fucking with it because I want to do better than my stockbroker and then eventually let my stockbroker go. Oh, give him a tip.

Oh, this is what we're doing? No, this is what we're doing. I don't have to just listen to you talk gibberish at me. I'm learning stuff. Oh, this is what we're doing? No, this is what we're doing. I don't have to just listen to you talk gibberish at me. I'm learning stuff. That's what I'm doing in my retirement phase before I un-retire, which I'm working on, by the way. This is Robinhood. It's a non-intimidating way for stock market newcomers to invest for the first time with true confidence. And it does.

Doug, I pulled the site up. Here it is right here. This is my account. And you can see anything that you want to track is on one side. Stocks that you own are in the middle. There's news feeds. You can follow other index funds and all that stuff.

You just put it in there. You customize it. Super simple. You're not bombarded with a lot of data and pie charts and widget logics. And you can drop in a conversation how your stocks are doing or mentioned. Yeah, I guess the NASDAQ was down today.

Really? You own stocks? You don't own shoes. Yes, I don't own shoes, but I own stocks. And then you pull out your phone and right there on your app, yeah, you're on Robinhood. Yeah, they got an app for the phone as well as you get your account going. Then the beauty of this is there's no commission fees. Other brokerages charge up to $10 for every trade, but with Robinhood, they don't charge a commission fee ever on trades, stocks, anything. And it's fun. It's actually fun. When I first got a stockbroker, I thought

that was fun to say, but now when I'm figuring out how to do it myself, it's more fun. And then I can throw in some gibberish and nomenclature like my stockbroker does, and I sound smarter. And then I leave before they can question me to a point where I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about yet. But I will, thanks to Robinhood. Robinhood is giving listeners a free stock like Apple, Ford, or Sprint to help build your portfolio. Sign up at stanhope.robinhood.com. That's stanhope.robinhood.com. Robinhood.

They don't have a catchphrase, so I'm going to make one up. Robinhood. Get stocks and have fun. Robinhood. Stock up on this motherfucker. Trying to think of something Sherwood Forest. Robinhood, see the forest for the trees. There we go.

We gave them three. Welcome to Sherwood. Yeah, you want to be part of the writer's room? Well, here you are. The first three sucked. Priceless pillow. Priceless pillow. I've been talking about it for weeks, and it made my nest complete.

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So if you're not satisfied, they'll take care of it. Perfect. Log on to pricelesspillow.com and put in the promo code Stanhope for 30% off. pricelesspillow.com All right, let's get back to this. Shaley, the biggest mark in Vegas,

and the guy that's the most sober. He would be the guy that wouldn't fall for this shit, but you go out on some sojourn probably to get me a breakfast sandwich, so I eat one thing. No, I got you a charger and stuff.

When you're down there in the thick of it, you go, oh, yeah, that's right. Stan needed a charger, and another cable wouldn't hurt. But you're there. They got everything right down there. He can't go on vacation. He has to go out and do fucking tour managing. So he's getting you sandwiches. He's getting you fucking things.

Don't worry. Eventually, he gets drunk in this. But when I was walking back from New York, New York. They're all connected, like Minneapolis is. Parts of them are where you can actually go over the road. With that part. The lunch hour is pretty isolated from it. You have to do a little walk to get down, and then you're into the strip.

But I was coming back, and people block up some of those bridges with taking pictures and just standing there 10 people deep, and you're like, you're fucking almost blocking this whole thing. And then- And their hands are across America. Yeah. I always say that, even though the reference is dated. I think they run off like

you can't have Spider-Man or Venom up there taking pictures. I think they keep them on the Las Vegas Boulevard. I noticed it was homeless usually just at the book ending the corners of the bridges.

So they can turn around real quick and leave. Yeah. And then some as I'm walking halfway across some guy and I'm walking with a little purpose.

I'm not dilly-dallying. I'm trying to get back. And this guy this asian fellow i mean he looks like a monk without a rope yeah yeah monk without a rope but in a simple clothing simple very basic and he hands me this like very fancy looking card and uh and says uh thin tin and gold love and love and peace love and peace and i'm like what no i don't want any Love and peace. Love and peace. And I'm like, no, I don't want any. Peace and love. And he keeps saying this. And then he hands me the card.

And I go, all right, all right. And he goes, no, will you sign? Oh, the beads. Yeah. No, he hadn't done that yet. Okay. And then he goes, will you sign? Will you sign?

And then I go, what? And he goes, sign, sign. So I sign this thing bernard you forged my indecipherable signature and he gives me some beads too now i'm holding these beads and this like fancy looking card and then as as the signature tells me this he goes now i know he's closed the deal like i you teleed the fact that you're falling for this shit. I'm holding this stuff. And then he points down right by where my signature was.

Donate? And I'm all, no. And he goes, just donate, please. Love and peace. Love and peace. And I'm all, all right, I'll take out my wad. And I had a $10 bill on the outside. And he goes, the 10, the 10 and he was the ten the ten to hide the

ones peace and love the ten i go no i'll give you a dollar he goes then give me five give me now we're dealing with my money where i'm haggling it's a reverse haggle i'm trying to get it down low so i can that's how much and then he finally he goes just the five the five i go look i'm giving you two and And I understand. Peace and love needs the cash. I get it. These aren't cheap. These beads, I mean, this is a business at this point. But that guy could not.

I mean, when I walked away, it's more like, motherfucker. You know, it is the biggest fucking scam. And you're right. I don't know how I get roped into things. It is the biggest fucking scam, and you're right. I don't know how I get roped into things, but I know that 98% chance if you accept the card, you're probably going to fucking pay him money. I bet you I saw.

Joby came up one night and brought us two bottles of water, and he had paid $11 so that we could have a bottle of water. $11 so that we could have a bottle of water. So the next day, I walked to the strip and walked down to Walgreens and humped back two gallons of water. And weed. No, no, I took an Uber to the weed store. I'll tell you about that. But I bet I saw 10 of those guys.

Yeah. And they were the most – well, the whole strip is very sad to me. There was just homeless people of all sorts. And then there's the women who are like almost 98% naked. And they're just... They're not advertising for a show. They're the same as the Spider-Man and the Transformer. The showgirls with that big headdress.

All they want... You want to get your picture taken for a tip and nobody's doing it and it's just sad. The whole thing is pathetic. But those guys were the most unassuming and they would almost sneak up to you

like a ninja and I'm not trying to be racist but I had two of them almost slip a bead on my wrist before I even knew what was happening. I'm like, hey, no, I don't want that. Get away from me. I got a brief interjection because you said ninja, and I go, well, it's not like there's American ninjas,

which reminded me of a quick story. Chaley was saying, you were taking an Uber somewhere to fucking get cords? Oh, right next to the Luxor is the Mandalay Bay and there's a big open lot there and there's these two pillars that are probably going up

70 feet, but they're not finished at the top. I go, hey, what are they doing over there? And the guys all, oh, they did that's a big open lot where they did American Ninja. And then they had that shooting 10-1. I go, wow, that's where they did American Ninja? I watched that on TV.

There was a shooting at American Ninja? No, I took an Uber to get weed. I wanted to tell people, too. I forgot. Okay, when the first night we got off, I mentioned it the first night of the podcast, but I didn't know exactly what had happened. We got rooked into this fucking tourist trap called PISOS, P-I-S-O-S, Las Vegas. Don't go there. If you're traveling to Las Vegas and you're looking to get weed, stay the fuck away from PISOS LV.

I do believe we talked about this on the first podcast when we landed, but you didn't know the name. I didn't know the name, and I didn't know the extent until I talked to some Uber drivers, same as Shaley does, and I talked to the one good dispensary guy. I wasn't for sure because we were pretty drunk, but I thought I had told that limo guy from the airport, airport no don't because you're just trying to get weed in me you're like get i'll tip you get my friend weed and i was like no no don't go to a weed store just take us

to the luxor because i'll research where to get weed and then he just straight ignored me and i wasn't sure i said it but shaley later said no you clearly said let's go there so we were i was surprised he said he was surprised as i was when we pulled in the drivers all get a kickback from there yeah they fucking rip you off i paid 57 for an eighth of weed and 16 for a pre-roll just to have something to smoke immediately so i didn't murder somebody uh the next day i went on weed maps and found a place a couple miles from the luxor it's not far down from the strip from the Uber. I was like an $8 Uber ride called the Dispensary Envy. And that place, I went in there and got an eighth of really good,

or not an eighth, a quarter of really good weed for $45. They gave me 20% off for being a veteran. They gave me $10 off for being a first-time customer. I told them what had happened with the Pizzo scene. He goes, yeah, you got roped into the fucking tourist fucking trap. He goes, here, you stumbled

into a local establishment. This is where the locals come. So shout out to the dispensary. I went back the second time. I smoked that whole quarter on accident. What, did you trip and fall into it well i just thought that i i could pace it out a lot better and i wasn't able to so i went back and i got another quarter and uh smoked all of that one too um but i was i forgot to get raw cones so after i left i had to go back in which is the rolling papers basically i had to go back in and show my the rolling papers, basically. I had to go back in and show them

my ID. I go, I forgot to get cones. I went back in. The guy goes, what'd you forget? I go, you guys give me such a good deal on weed. I got excited and I forgot to get cones. I told him, I need two of these things. And they're regularly $3 to $4 a package. I can't imagine what they cost in Las Vegas. That dude just grabbed

two packages of them, handed them to me, and fist bumped me. Nice. I was like, you gotta be shitting me, dude. This is great. My ex, when I lived there, Pandora, was she was like the hostess at a swingers club, and the cabbies would get a kickback

for dropping off tourists there. And it was like a fucking S&M place, too. Oh, where do I get some girls and this guy's some fucking Asian guy's probably getting beaten with a cane this is not what I wanted so yeah they do

fuck you over it's a rigged town but you know that going in hopefully you don't always know and you kind of suspect it I like it when we find out especially the cabbie thing I've always suspected that but you don't really you don't always know and you kind of well most people don't i like it when we find out because especially the cabbie thing i've always suspected that but you don't really have any proof but yeah well i i know but i don't know if i was thinking that on the fucking drive up i'm like about something completely different but i hang around with you guys and i have almost no interaction with real general people.

So you don't know if you're smart anymore. Hold on. I don't like where this is going. I'm sorry. You guys all know. I understand completely. But you have no one to gauge yourself in general society. Am I smarter than other people?

Are people that fucking dumb that they would give $2 to a fucking fake Buddhist who can't even afford a robe or get burned? Yeah, you know there's going to be some grift everywhere. You look for it. Sometimes you accept it. In that kind of town, I really do. I am a rube there. I will be the first to admit it that's probably the maybe third or fourth time i've been to las vegas and the first time i've

ever gambled that way like you guys showed me how to play the video poker and stuff i usually stay away from it the uh the horses horses were great we uh okay well this is uh first let's get to saturday night okay To the comedy show. You guys know which days were which? Yeah, because Saturday night. Oh, no, it was Sunday night. Oh, no, you don't? No, I know, right? I feel better.

Yeah, Sunday night we go to the comedy show. Frank Mir, he didn't show up, but him and Dick Hunter do stand-up comedy as well as fighting, but Dick Hunter was opening the show after his six-second bout that he lost, and he does way better at stand-up comedy. He's really funny. That's the first thing I told him after the show, is you're a way better comedian than a fighter.

I have to tell you this. I told Dick Hunter that, and I go, hey, my girlfriend had the best line on how long you lasted in the ring. I told her about it, and she's all, he didn't even make a rodeo ride. Hennigan came and took pictures with his giant fucking Nikon camera, and he says, my camera takes nine images per second, and I couldn't get more than 20 pictures out of that fight.

He has some good pictures. I saw them. I'm like, you know what? You should give these to him because there's a lot of people who don't know about this fight, and he can actually show them that picture, and it looks like he's not getting beat up. It looks like he's ready to throw a good punch, although that kid was, there's no way that wasn't going to go that way. Yeah, but we didn't think six seconds. No. I certainly didn't as a smoker.

But we went to that show, and I'm sorry to the comics, Butch Bradley and all the other guys that were there. I went to watch Dick because I missed his fight. I can't bail out of the comedy. It was great. Great club. It's at the Stratosphere. It's a box.

L.A. Comedy Club. Yeah. By the way, Hennigan and I talked in a sober moment after I left watching Dick Hunter, and we're pretty definite that we're filming the new special in Vegas at two, possibly three locations.

Right on. I don't know how we're going to do it, but it's definitely going to be in Vegas. Very cool. I did feel bad that everybody was so excited that Stan Hope was going to be there. We all got ushered in like VIPs because we're falling behind Stan Hope and we moved to this special section and then Stan Hope bails

out after the host. I think it was Dick was up first. Yeah, he was the host. I was just thinking of the other two comments. You got the text saying, hey, just so you know, Dick Hunter's up first, so don't go out for a fucking cigarette. I was thinking more, too, of the other

two comics that were probably told that Doug Stanhope was out. I know, I felt really bad, but I couldn't be there. And I go, if I'm too drunk, I'll probably heckle and look like a fucking dildo. We stayed. Joby and

Ayn Shaley stayed and watched it, and it was... Trying to pull up who was there. It was... Yeah, I'm trying to remember. It was Matt Markham. Yeah, good work. Oh, and here's the other guy.

Andrew Slider. You guys came down telling me about a Matt Markham joke that I'm not going to burn it, but you were quoting him when you came back down to the bar where Brian and I finally had a minute

to talk business on some level. Those guys were fun. Are you going to do anything with the rest of your... Yeah, I'm going to have to fucking come back. Probably not until after Super Bowl. They really did take care of us. I think it was Joaquin who was the manager.

Oh, they were fucking great. The only thing that was driving me nuts was that stage. Right? And then I did the fucking dumb thing. I said something, and then now that's all Chad and I were listening. They walked across the stage stage and you could hear it creak. Oh. And it was like a creak like an old

chef. Oh, you should say something. I'm saying it now, but I said something to Chad and then I realized that now that I've said it, we're both listening for the creaks. Because, I mean, it's a comedy club and you expect those things. It's not like a rock band where they're playing all the time. There's a

part where it's really quiet and then you hear this creak. I was mostly listening for the end but I was listening for the creaks too. I had a gal, I'll keep it nebulous, but I've actually been quoting one of her

bits. She sent me a, hey, if you ever need an opening act in this part of the country, I met you once. She said, when I met you at this show we did, I had a black eye, and the first thing you said was, oh, I guess he did ask you twice. But I watched one of her clips clips and she's very funny uh but she between slow pacing and between punch lines she'd go so blah blah blah blah and i i could not do do that on the road but if you're listening you're very funny and not everyone has my weird thing about mouth sounds.

So you'll do fine. But I want to kill you every night. Like Norm Wilkerson used to do that. Between jokes. Remember Norm Wilkerson? I remember Norm. He would do that. Yeah.

So. No. No more Norm. So. There we are now. We do the comedy show. Then we get back. That's right.

Now I'm liquored up because I was drinking real drinks at Tommy Rocker's. And then drinks at the Stratosphere. It's called the L.A. Comedy Club LA Comedy Club. LA Comedy Club, yeah. Big plugs. We get back home to the Luxor and we're gambling again. Well, the kids

found what used to be called the Sigma Derby. It's this ridiculous, now it's a little upgraded, but it's the same fucking game. It's this ridiculous, now it's a little upgraded, but it's the same fucking game. It's this horse race game that you'd think you'd see on a small town carnival.

Fucking, you know. Yeah, it's these actual plastic horses. It reminds me of something that they would have like a kids game in like the 60s or something. It's been around since I moved to Vegas in the 80s. I didn't know there was still one around.

When we first walked through the casino, I saw it and I was like, oh, I want to play that. Not knowing anything at all what it was and I forgot all about it until these guys came and told me. So it gives you odds just like a regular horse track would give you a win, place,

quinoa. Oh, it does? I just took a 20 horse track? Yeah, yeah. Win, place, quinoa. Oh, it does? I just took a 20 and told me when to leave. I just randomly pushed buttons. So I go to roulette, because I have to bet big to win my

money back. And they go to the... And I can see them at the horses. It's like a big, it looks like table hockey with a dome over it. It's huge. It's huge. It's bigger than a 12-foot pool table. You can either watch the actual plastic horses run around in a circle,

which is what we did because it's fun, or you can watch a video of it on the screen in front of you or on a giant big screen at the head of the table. It's a real elaborate thing. That is still like a quarter machine. I put in $5. I would randomly pick one on each row. I don't know what that means.

And I would consistently, every single time, you won $3. You won $2. Enough that I could bet and play again. So I'm at a roulette wheel about, what do you say, 40 yards away? If that. I mean, I could see it. There's nothing.

Straight line of sight. And you guys are going ape shit like you actually own the horse. We did. Go $5. To win $3. But you were making up names. No, those are the names. Those were real names.

They gave the horses. That was part of how we would pick on how goofy the name was so we could yell it. I thought you were telling me you were making up these goofy names, which is funnier. Tootie Lootie! Tootie Lootie! Come on! Be Boppa Looter!

I was fucking screaming. The whole casino could hear me screaming. So at the same time, I'm crushing finally on roulette. I'm fucking hitting a stride, and there's people that are watching me. The blackjack table, they're turning around because I'm fucking hitting a stride, and there's people that are watching me. The blackjack table, they're turning around because I'm finally hitting some numbers, and I'm doing good, and there's people around me, and they keep looking back at you going, isn't that a horse race machine?

They're that excited. I go, they're my friends, and I try to explain the joke, and I see blank faces, and I'm like, fuck it. I'm just going back to roulette. And that's when Chaley shows up. Finally, he's drunk and having fun, not going out and fucking getting fucking computer chips and fucking all the things he does. Now he's hammered, and he comes over to my table where I'm on a fucking roll and tries to put fucking Singapore money on a fucking number and I'm like get the fuck out of here

get the fuck away from me you're not doing this to me I did pull the Singapore back and then I threw down a 20 Canadian and she's like we don't take the funny money basically and that was it.

She was not going to talk to me anymore. Oh, I know. But you kept talking. I know. You kept trying. I'm like, seriously, Jaylee, just get the fuck. Finally, it's the last night. I might win some of this back.

And then Joby later comes over. And I'm just going to keep an eye on you. So the same thing that happened Thursday doesn't happen tonight. I go, no, I'm winning. Look, I opened up my fucking pocket. These are the black chips. Yes, I'm doing it. Get out of here.

We get out of there. Oh, man. I'll tell you what. I wish we would have found those horses earlier. You wouldn't have got me off there. I would have been there screaming the entire time while people stared. We had crowds of people gathering around us to figure out what the fuck was going on. There was people winning thousands of dollars that weren't making a sound.

And I was going ape shit when I won $3.60. All of you. That's what you could hear across the entire casino. We inspired other players to start. We still have to get to... We're not close to done because we still have to get to, we're not close to done, because we still have to get to. The flight out. Your hookers and then the flight out.

So many hookers. The first night when I had to take my second shame walk to the ATM, I went through the bar in the middle, and now it's like 3 or 4 in the morning. So guess which one's a hooker? And it's usually – that's a real problem with prostitutes. If you see a woman sitting alone at a fucking regular casino like that at that hour, you assume she's a hooker. And that's wrong, but that's how hookers work.

Is that – Profiling, they count on it. hour, you assume she's a hooker. And that's wrong, but that's how hookers work. Profiling, they count on it. That's weird that that's your perspective, because I was just telling Jenny earlier, I said, I never would have guessed that this was a hooker, because she was just a pretty girl, dressed up sexy, which is 90%

of the women walking around with their friends. So you go, they're not a gaggle of hookers. They travel alone. I guess the way to tell is if you stare at their tits and they don't talk to you, they're not hookers. This was my move because I saw a chick sitting there alone as I'm coming back debating if I should go back to the roulette wheel or just stop. And there's a chick sitting there alone and I decided to play some video poker because it's been working better than this whole fucking roulette thing I've been dying at all night. And the girl's sitting next to me and she's got a full drink

and not looking at me. I'm wearing that fucking lemon yellow suit with my bad posture and my bloated fucking alcoholic hungover drunken head. She had a full drink and I go, hey,

can you hurry up and finish that drink so I can ask you if I can buy you a drink? Which in hindsight, I think is a very funny pickup line, but it was obvious. I was just this drunken fucking idiot. And I think she smiled, but she didn't respond. Then I lost my poker money and went back to roulette. but she didn't respond that I lost my poker money and went back to roulette. When I was walking to Walgreens,

I had some of the pasty, nippled showgirls walking towards me, and one of them came over and scratched upon my arm and goes, Hey, cutie, are you looking for us? And I go, Oh, no, I'm sorry. I was just looking at you. I didn't even have any friends with me. I was just trying to be funny for myself. I remember running into Joby one of those mornings where I just went down to have a cigarette.

I was going to go have breakfast, and then I had a cigarette, still probably drunk in the morning, standing like in the middle of the traffic area of the casino. And I'm smoking, and immediately that kills my appetite. And I go, and I'm staring at a roulette wheel, and I'm like, no, I'm not going back. Not yet. And then I walk towards breakfast, even though I'm not hungry. And then I see Joby doing the same walking dead shuffle as bloated as I was.

I go, do you want to just split a sandwich at that deli by that sportsbook bar? Yeah. Let's have some fucking morning. Yeah. Cocktails and screwdrivers. Mikey, that was a morning bartender. Mikey was great. That deli was great as well.

It was expensive, but as everything was. That's what the employees tell you to go eat there. The food was really good and it was no more expensive than whenever Joby bought us dinner the first night and it was a $60 Johnny Rocket cheeseburger. Oh my God.

It used to be when when I lived there, it's so unrecognizable from when I moved there and lived there in the late 80s, early 90s. It's just, it looks like fucking Japan in some places. Tokyo, you know how it's just- Crowded, vertical. There's just a bunch of fucking lights and fucking corporate and shit.

Yeah, that's what we were watching out of the Luxor. I don't remember at what time it was. I don't know what day we were on. But we were standing up and you guys were smoking on the counter and we were just watching the people across. We were commenting about watching the people. Ant farm. It's a sophisticated ant farm. We're just watching.

And then we realized, no, ants are far more sophisticated than people who go to the Luxor. So we fly out. Wait a minute. Oh, wait. Sorry. I got hooker stories.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. For God's sakes. The first time. Tracy's over-serving me. The first time I've ever been solicited by a hooker in my life, and you're going to fucking overlook it. Yeah. All I got was solicited by a couple of gay guys. That's right going to fucking overlook it. Yeah, all I got was solicited by

a couple of gay guys. Oh yes! This was early on. Jonathan Short sent me a text, please try your best to get Joe belayed. He needs it. Well, he turned it down because

we were in the gift shop buying a lighter early on and there was these two gay guys to stop by and they were drunk as shit they asked the gals behind the counter they were like where's the men's restroom because we want to go fool around and the the chick responds with no use the family restroom that's what everybody uses that's what everybody goes there for and I was like well let's learn something right now in Las Vegas so I'm laughing at that and

buying a lighter and I walk out and Joby comes over and tells me yeah I can't remember what I said but it was what did they say to you because I wasn't there I missed it they were yelling and I made some comment to them and they're like, oh, well, yeah.

Hey, you want to come back up the room with us? Like out of nowhere. It's like, no, I don't. Zero to 60, huh? Then later on you asked Joby. Well, at one point we were just walking around the casino and of course all the middle-aged women are just eyeballing Joby like we're all eyeballing the hooker's tits at 3 a.m and uh i asked joey i was like hey so have you been hit on by any of these uh you know

middle-aged women out here on a girl's trip or just the gay guys joey's like no just the gay guys but you well i was walking back over to meet you. You guys were at the roulette table, and I was walking back over to meet you guys. And this woman with her boobs out, and she's very young and beautiful, but she definitely had, like, opioid eyes. It's a little sad. And she said something to me as I walked by,

and of course, being a rube, I didn't immediately know what was going on. So I'm like, I'm sorry, what? And then she was like, where are you going? And I was like, oh, I know what's happening. But I didn't know how to respond because that's never happened to me before. So I treated it the same way I treated the Buddhist bead guys. I'm like, no, no, I'm good. Thanks.

I'm good. They're like, you're going to gamble? And I'm like, no, no, I'm good. Thanks. I'm good. They're like, you're going to gamble? And I'm like, no, no, I'm going. You want my number for later? I'm good. Thank you. Thank you. I have to go.

Here's $2. Donate. Donate. I'm just, I was taken off guard because most, I tweeted about it, but I think most of the time when I was walking around, people left me alone because they thought I was a local just because I look the way I do. Say your tweet. I don't remember what it was.

Most people think I'm a local here because I don't really gamble and I look like I'm homeless. No, I look like a scumbag. That's what it was. Either way, same thing. So I didn't get harassed about it a lot. The people trying to sell you the shows in and out of the hotel didn't bother me. Most people didn't bother me. So I should have known when the beautiful woman wanted to talk to me

what was happening, but I didn't know immediately. Chad, who always tells you, yeah, all the pussy I ever get was because of my personality and my charm. And then he realized, I haven't been charming this guy at all. Yeah, I didn't say anything. This just doesn't add up at all. So then, just before that, I had a fellow in the same area. They might have been a team.

I'm not sure now that I think about it. fellow in the same area. They might have been a team. I'm not sure now that I think about it, but it was earlier in the night. Wanted to sell me party favors for the night and I was like, I guess I'll tell that. I'll say it on the last one. The hooker, I was outside

smoking a joint by the parking area. Yeah, like the high school kids. I hear by myself, you'd be surprised how lonely places are. You can just find so many places in Vegas where nobody even will look at you. Like the family bathroom? Smoke giant joints.

That's going to be my new weed smoking place next time we go. Can't do anything but improve that smell. Fuck walking outside, yeah. Got to lock the door. But I heard this woman walking out and talking on the phone, and I heard her say that she needed money. And by now, I'm already, she's like, I got to get that money, she said on the phone.

And by now, I'm already wise to hookers because I've been hit on one already. And I still didn't recognize it when she came out with her big pendulous boobs, almost exposed and walking. And I felt like an asshole, like a trap of looking at him for half a second. She looked like Lou Nell from the Borat movie, the hookery brace. To the table? The dinner party? She saw me looking at her exposed breasts in the split second

that I tried to look and then look away like a gentleman. She's a professional and caught me. She didn't even get off the phone, and she says, you going to let me suck your cocky? I'm trying to remember his cocky. Which has got to be the weirdest thing in the world. Did she make that up just for me? She works in daycare generally.

I was confused, and I had already been thinking earlier. I was like, man, I should have talked to that hooker for free for a couple of minutes because she's trying to sell something, not me. I can bullshit with her for a couple of minutes and look at her boobs without looking away. So now I'm already wise to it, but I'm confused by, are you going to let me suck your cocky? And I'm like, what? And she repeated it again in the same way. You're going to let me suck your cocky?

I'm like, I don't. No, I'm good. I'd do that before I fucked you because if my dick's in your mouth, you can't do unflattering words like cocky. I didn't know if she had an upsell. Fucky sucky? Fucky sucky cocky? Fucky sucky cocky walky?

That's her lead is the cocky. Then she goes, she was still trying to sell me, but she's still talking on her cell phone conversation. Always a strong move. She says, my car's right here. Beep, beep. And unlocks this badass fucking expensive Lexus Mercedes with big rims.

And I was like, holy shit. That's a real hooker with a car in it. Well, you said she was in a reserved space. Well, I noticed the next day that that's a reserved space, so maybe she has a residency at the Luxor. I don't know how it works. Works just like that shitty fucking weed dispensary. They pay a kickback. So that was my hooker experiences that I had.

That's as far as it went. That was right before we got massages at the bar. A lady comes up. Oh, yeah. That was, fuck. First of all, it was a badass massage. Neva the Massage Diva. All right. Come to the fucking bar where you're

playing video poker. 25 bucks for 15 minute chair massage. You don't get out of your chair. She just climbs up on a chair because she's 4'6". And then throwing elbows. It was worse than the Dick Hunter

fight. We got beaten up more than Dick Hunter. i'm still hurting today fuck you the one on the the tendon on the forearm like she goes tell me if it hurts too much and i at some point i said oh my uh yeah i i guess i made a mistake by uh i don't need a safe word using that as a safe word you You're fucking hurting me bad. I didn't tap out because Stanhope didn't tap out and I didn't want to appear weak at the

bar, but I was done. You tapped on one of her moves. You go, okay, that's enough of that. Did I? Yeah, because I go, ah, Chad's doing it. I'm not that much of a pussy yeah okay that's good whatever whatever she's working on at that point gristle sound

she really picked a spot and dug in yeah i didn't know what was going on i thought she just walked up to you and that was her pitch to as aer. Because I'm like, why is she touching my friend? That was Shaylee's drunk night. She definitely would have had to go with something other than look at my tits. I would have to say that. I was like, why did security let her walk around with this pillow?

My tits are roll number one. If you count down, there's two more. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Well, she shouldn't have said that and said her name. But she is a great massage therapist. Sorry if we made it. But it is interesting because it seems like that's a reason to get kicked out of there because it keeps you from gambling.

We talked about that. There's a big cutout in the massage cushion, but you're not playing video poker or even drinking while you're doing it. I think Stan Hope accidentally cashed out while he was just flopping around. Because at one point I looked over and I was like, not only are you not playing, you don't have money in this machine. Yeah, that's even worse. They get kicked out for that. Maybe that's their gimmick.

Yeah, get them to let their hands go limp and slap the button that keeps betting without picking the right cards. All right, let's get to the plane. Because we got there early enough to get into the Sky Club. They don't have a Sky Club. But we had a fancier one. Yeah, it was fancier Club. They don't have a Sky Club. But we had a fancier one. Yeah, it was fancier, but I don't like it as much. I know.

I didn't either. The Centurion Lounge. Yeah. Hennigan talked me into getting this fucking platinum card because you get all this shit that I'll forget to use. Oh, you get $200 of free Uber credit. Yeah, but that means I have to go to our website and figure it out. How come I paid for Lyft all fucking weekend

if you got a $200 credit on Uber because I was paying for everything else I said you get to Uber so I'll get everything else I did Lyft whatever Lyft if the people in Sky Club are afraid of me in there the people in the Centurion Club were terrified

we weren't there for too long Joby and I went out to smoke. Because in Vegas, the smoking cubicle has a dozen slot machines. So you can smoke in there. And we went in there. We would have smoked more, but we sat down. We couldn't wait to get the fuck out of here. We sit down.

There's this black lady that comes up and she says all right can i have a cigarette like all right no no she's crying crying she has one broken like eve 120 cigarette and she's trying to put it back together as she weeps what's what's she doing with her mouth trying to put it back together no she's just trying and trying to roll the brake. They called you a mark. I know. She's been using that same cigarette to con guys out of cigarettes for days in that same smoke and air. And then she's crying and went into my boyfriend, left me here, and someone stole my shoes. She had like cheap flip flops on.

I know your flip flops are comfortable. I'm being Mr. Positive. Like, don't worry about it. You got flip flops. They're comfortable. They ain't flip flops. They ain't comfortable. And then he goes into the whole story about,

the story wound up to be, she was shit-faced at the airport bar, and the guy that she had just met two weeks before had said, fuck you, I'm getting on the plane, you're too drunk. Which she... Jessica, and nobody tells me what to do. Getting a little bit of the backstory there. Yeah, so we get out of there very quickly

and on the way out just like the Buddhist can I get one more cigarette and Joby goes back of course you can that was before you went to TSA or after no that was after we went through TSA that was when you guys were in the Centurion Lounge the smoking area was right around the corner we went through TSA. Yeah, that was when you guys were in the Centurion Lounge. The smoking area was right around

the corner. Because we were TSA pre-check and it was a fucking It was goofy for us when we went through. Just because there was a way longer line that we had to wait in for TSA pre-check than if we would have just went through the regular. There was nobody

at all. But it was just because of like, there was like this rich white lady who refused to push her bag onto the thing. And the people kept telling her, you have to push it forward, man. And she goes, I'm trying. And then she just stared at it again. And like, no, you're not trying at all.

You're just staring at it. Push it in. And then somebody put their suitcase in sideways, and it jammed up the whole conveyor belt. It was like a fucking Three Stooges show. Yeah, that's a fucking pre-check. It's supposed to be people who know how to travel. Then I got randomly selected.

I made it through without beeping. Weird. Yeah. Well, I made it through without beeping, and then all of a sudden i got an extra beep and she's like hold on we gotta check out so i go over the only thing i had was my uh like a laptop bag but it had my playstation and the the control and the headphones and all the chords in there uh probably look like a bomb yeah i mean i could see that and and uh

we took it in case we wanted to play the you know thing on there we never even took it out of the bag um it was going through i get through and i go what do i need to do and she goes oh i just need to see your electronics uh for a minute i go okay what do you need to see oh anything i picked up my phone out of the little bucket that was there and handed it to him and i'm'm like, all right, here's my phone. All right. And then I go, you just let people choose what you can look at? I have a whole bag that looks like a bomb right here.

Don't look at this. You can look at anything but what's in this bag. How's that sound? Will that work? Joby and I came through shortly after you. We were probably outside smoking. And everyone at TSA PreCheck was happy. They're not the fucking grueling, fuck you.

They were smiling and making jokes. And then Joby's bag gets pulled out to secondary search. And they said, she said, all right, who's the troublemaker it looks like you have a book in here and i think she's kidding like well yeah i have a book in there of course i do she goes through she said do you have a book and he's like yeah we had made jokes on the other side going through the metal detector. And she went in and she goes, yep, it's a book. And he goes, yeah, it's Star Wars.

And then she goes, okay, you're good then. And then we walked away going, oh, just if your book is stupid, it's okay. I told Joby they were profiling nerds. It harkens back to the Bill Hicks bit about what are you reading for? Not what are you reading? What are you reading for? So I don't become a fucking 48-year-old Waffle House waitress is the punchline. But that was the weirdest.

It still doesn't make sense. We were walking down the hall. I don't know what it's called. Big, gigantic hallway. I looked at the guy and Joe Get down on the floor, reader! There was a thing where TSA was back in 2017.

I just pulled it up. Where they had a testing of making people pull out books and scanning paper. Wow. So I don't know. We haven't been traveling that much. We did the international one in 2017. But other than that, it's... I fly all the time.

That's true. Even if I'm not working. But nothing. I've never heard about this. Passengers to remove books and other paper items from their carry-on luggage during security screening. Wow. Fucking crazy, right? Hey, now that I think about it, they swabbed my hands when we left Tucson.

Why am I always getting looked at separately? Oh, I know why. Never mind. I should be. Good job, TSA. Good job. Well, Big Dick Hunter said this on stage, and I hope you're listening,

where he's talking about... Big Dick Hunter, he's got... He looks like he's still in poison. He's got long rocker hair and a headband, and then he's on stage, and that's when I said I have to leave, because I won't heckle Big Dick Hunter in here after we've got VIP fucking service. But he goes, yeah, I get pulled over a lot because of how I look.

And then he points to a black guy in the front row. I'm with you, brother. Well, no, you could just cut your fucking hair. A black guy can't do that. How dare you? I wanted to say that. Yes. I mean, I did that bit on my, I think it's my

highest received album of all time. Papa Vodka Presents. Yeah. Don't look like a criminal if you don't want to people profile. It's fucking natural. Don't, you know. Well, I'm not going to give it away

because I still think we have some VHS tapes left of Pop-Up Folk Vodka Presents. DougStanup.com slash store. Yeah, there you go. All your Christmas shopping needs are there. It's going somewhere with this.

Wait, I get bumped up to first class. We have two flights. We're going to Las Vegas to Los Angeles. We have a small layover, and then we're going to Los Angeles to Tucson. So during that, you were drunk but manageable in that first flight.

Well, I moved up to first class. There was at least five open seats up front. All of us could have gotten bumped up. Yeah. I just said something like, as I'm checking in, I go, because we are using frequent flyer miles, which doesn't make you eligible for upgrades. But I said, I'm a billion miler and a triple medallion member of making up things that don't exist. And the guy goes, oh, yeah, you're moved up to 4D.

But they usually give you a different boarding pass. Because you tried to give it to me. You were like, you're in first class now. But it was not clear. And I'm uncomfortable in first class anyway. And I was even more uncomfortable having a ticket that didn't say first class. I'm like, I'm not doing

that, Stan. I hope you take it. Eventually, we ended up rock, paper, scissoring for who had the greatest dependency on alcohol and could get free drinks. I think that was more of a discussion. I don't think we actually had to throw hands. None of us wanted to go up there.

We had no desire to, because you were going up there. So I went up there, and I sit next to a guy. Right by him. He was a business guy. No one talks in first class, which is a great thing. But you never meet anyone. And this guy, i was drunk so i i i i i fired the opening salvo of asking him a dumb question and then we're talking the entire flight and he just and this is vegas to lax is

like 50 minutes or something he's telling me about the fucking two girls that he has as girlfriends and sometimes they'll meet for swingers parties. He was 57 because I guessed his age within a year. You know how he can fucking nail those.

And his one West Coast gal is a sheriff's deputy in LA and his East Coast gal is a sheriff's deputy in L.A. And his East Coast gal is a doctor. And then by the end, he's showing me pictures of, like, they're hot chicks, but, like, with a butt plug in her ass. And I'm like, this is first class. And this is a fucking old, like, professional business guy.

One of those boring businesses when you go, what do you do? He tells you I'm in fucking stuffling or fibrocasms. I don't know what the fuck you're saying. The guy in the middle seat was the most offended of all because he had to keep getting leaned across. No, there was only two seats. Chad Shank doesn't realize there's no middle seats in first class.

That was a funny joke. I was about to say there was only two seats. People didn't picture it yet. What sucked the most is because when they told me what my seat was without it on paper, this is the first class. It's a two-by-two in coach. And first class is just only one seat on one side and two on the other. Because it's not a real airplane.

The empty seat, I could have sat by myself beside him and not ever talk to him. And that seat remained fucking empty. Well, I'm going, oh, that's great. She's got a butt plug. And he's got his logo of his fucking company on his shirt. That was Eric. Always be Brandy. got his logo of his fucking company on his shirt that was eric always and then the best part was on the way then we land in lax we have just an hour to spend but we go back if you remember the couple podcasts ago where roxy cried where i gave her my Delta, vintage Delta pin.

We had to go back, and she was working. She was walking out the door. She was just getting off, wearing her Delta pin. And it was a very sweet moment. You guys may be famous. She took us back in and made sure she guested one of us again so Stanhope didn't have to pay extra for his Rube friends to hang out in the fucking weird club that we don't belong in. And Jeff, our bartender, you, bingo.

Oh, he says hi to bingo. Yeah, he was asking about you. Yeah, it's fucking great to be a regular. You were pretty hammered at that point. Yeah, I guess it got worse because all I know is towards the end of the flight, you guys are telling me, and I don't think Ied at that point. Yeah, I guess it got worse because all I know is towards the end of the flight, you guys are telling me, and I don't think I'm being that bad. Do you remember in the Sky Club kneeling down next to the other man peeing

so that you could pee in the urinal? They have the urinals, and then they have the urinals and then they have the kids urinals like dumped low it is really low I could not keep I knelt down like I was standing up into the kids urinal

in a sky club and there's no barrier that's how drunk you were there was no barrier between the two urinals no you drunk you were. There was no barrier between the two urinals. No, you're touching shoulders while you're peeing in these urinals. I forgot about that. I tried to keep a straight face, but I could not. And I started laughing like this.

Oh, God damn it. You remember going and smoking? You and I went down. Oh, cerebral palsy. Fucking forget about that. He put the cerebral palsy on me. Here comes all the memories. We just start smoking in the airport, but trying to keep it discreet.

When you're leaving that terminal, I think it was D Terminal in LAX, there's a long underground hallway to get to baggage claim before you leave security right so i just i go fuck it let's just start smoking and i i can do a very good cerebral palsy impression yeah so good you want to leave the area because well you also don't want to stare at the person long enough to notice they're openly smoking a cigarette. Keep in mind that the dude who hooks you up at the Sky Club bar told you where to go, and his last words were, just don't draw attention to yourself. So we're passing the cigarette back and forth between each other. It would be like having a fucking will work for food sign where no one makes eye contact with you on the median.

No, I was watching people. They just look for a quick second and then look away, like avert their eyes as much as they could. I forgot cerebral palsy completely. Yeah, that was funny. Oh, my God. But I remember when we landed, there was some chick the ladies wait i i that redheaded old fucking pig that was sitting right in front of in front of me and i couldn't tell if she was the same woman that was a shithead for some other reason in my eyes

that was eyeballing you and joey for walking hand in hand down the fucking hallway. That's what it was. I remember it. We were walking. We had to interlock fingers. Her and her friend were both cunts in front of us. Yeah. She got her own seat because she told the, I don't know, the waitress.

Flight attendant. Flight attendant. F-A if you want to be on the inside. All right. Sorry for the waitress thing. She told her, she's like, my friend is going to have to use the restroom a lot, so she needs to sit on the outside. That bitch didn't use the restroom at all.

She did annoy the fuck out of the dude she went up and sat by who fucking caused a ruckus with the flight attendant, and they got kicked out. And I was watching the whole thing, and this lady in front of me is watching the whole thing because it's her friend, and Stan Hope is loudly calling her fucking Gladys Kravitz. Because I'm telling him what's going on.

She kept turning around and frowning. Because I'm loudly telling him. I'm like, that fucking annoying lady up there got in a fight with that guy. That's my friend. We made it home. Yeah, we made it home. We did. We didn't go to jail. We didn't do anything morally corrupt, illegal. Yeah, we were saying

next time we should not leave our wives at home because we'd probably get in more trouble if they were there because we didn't get in no trouble. We're good, good guys. Yeah, it was fun. It was fun. Maybe we're just too old to get into trouble.

Chaley, you're out peeing, but we're going to wrap this up. Unless you have something to add. Quick death pool. Oh, death pool update. We've got a new pricing structure. Instead of tiers, $20, $30, $40, depending on how many people you want in your funeral home, straight $30, $40, depending on how many people you want in your funeral home. Straight $30 for unlimited. Now you can get $30 buys

you unlimited members. Hit our new store at DougStanhopeCelebrityDeathPool.com Hit the store. We got some good merch and coasters and whatnot for sale. Christmas is coming up. Fantastic. George H.W. was

maybe my only hit this year because I didn't try hard enough, evidently. Next year you said you're just going to do all spite? Next year I'm just going to do research spite. Like Warren Jeffs, fucking Joe Francis,

a lot of people. Rob Durdick is the one I keep forgetting, but I never see him. But yeah, just people you want to die that might die. Fuck it. I'd rather really be able to celebrate. I think it's since Ralphie May won me the fucking thing last year. I'd rather not celebrate. I'd rather celebrate well and lose than win and have to go,

thanks, Ralphie. Do you feel like you doubled down on that thought now that Artie is fighting his ass off to make it the rest of the year? I don't know if you've been seeing Artie on Twitter. You told me about it, but how many times? I'm sober again. So am I. He's doing good.

In the morning. He's doing real good right now. He's actually in a rehab facility. He leaves to go do shows and goes back to the rehab facility. I know Maggie did that, where they'd let her out to do shows with a handler. Even though I have Artie picked, I'm rooting for Artie to make it the rest of the year. Good. Nice.

Because I'll fake him next year, too. Hell yeah. All right. We thank you for listening and buying merch. Yeah. Thanks to Frank Mir and Dick Hunter for having us. Absolutely. Yeah.

Thanks to all of you guys. Thank you, St Hope, for everything. Yeah, thank you. It was fun. Also, don't forget, check out on Twitch, HD underscore Fatty. Joby's on there now. We're going to be playing poker a lot, probably.

I think that's what's going to be happening now. Kind of a game changer, the poker game. I had so much fun on Twitch with you. Everyone's going, that's not really Doug Stan Hope. Your handle is what? Sober Stan Hope? Because I made it during Sober October. Shayla can change it for you if you want to change it.

You can change once. Once every 30 or 60 days. Because now mine's One Job Shayla. I don't care how often you change your name. Just remember to hit resubscribe and give me your free Amazon Prime Twitch subscription. Because it adds up and I appreciate it. And we'll close out on...

You can't pick songs anymore. On something that we have the rights to. Which means everyone does. Alright, see you next week. Is that a miscarriage? Or are you just happy to see me? Jack off boots on acid, shaking the baby.

Blown speakers in the car, fucking up all the banks. Impulse buys number 28, that linebackers have his age. Duck stand, duck stand, hope, duck stand, hope is so neat. Duck stand, duck stand, hope, duck stand, hope is so neat. Night finger in your ass Assisted suicide And China's vaginas Like a beast on Asian eye Go fund me for bullets

That are used for killing cops Let me ask you a question Who's sponsored by pop off dust and dust and hope dust and hope is so neat dust and

dust and hope dust and hope is so neat find a grip in the system And then kick like you kick Strengthen up your shit pussy Jim Jeffrey steals his business He's anti-Semitic

If I'm loving to hate him way And after he calls him Stop punching you in the face Dog stand, dog stand hope Dog stand hope is so neat Dog stand, dog stand hope Dog stand hope is so neat. For only $2 a month, you can keep this kid alive long enough to produce more people that have nothing to eat.

Tell me about that one time you kick-fucked a girl with cerebral palsy. Or it's... Bye.